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  1. #61
    BrookeAshley's Avatar
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    I just keep thinking about how happy I would be right now... instead I feel terrible. I feel like the life I fought so hard for, was taken from me.
    Your wings were ready, my heart was not.

  2. #62
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    I feel the same way a lot of the time. I know my loss is very different from yours. I can't imagine what it must feel like, and I'm really sorry for your loss.

    I have a lot of guilt. I also really feel like, I know I loved her, I put my whole heart into our relationship and she decided to end it, she broke up with me in the cruelest, meanest way you could ever break up with someone.

    I feel like I'd be so happy if she was still here, also. I miss her.

    I'm sorry she was taken from you. I really am. I think the hardest part about losing someone is....you're losing someone you love. If you didn't love them then there wouldn't be any real loss, or grief. I miss my ex so much, even more than I miss my ex-wife, who I was married to for 18 years, because we were so, so very close. We were best friends, along with being lovers. She "got" me, she understood me in a way that my ex-wife never, ever did.

    I think grief is....a really personal journey. And one that probably never ends. It changes and evolves and moves on in different directions but I don't think you ever stop grieving. Or, at least I don't think I will.
    You're going to lose people in your life, and realize that no matter how much time you spent with them or how often you told them you loved them, it will never seem like it was enough.

    Hug the ones you love.

  3. #63
    BrookeAshley's Avatar
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    I guess right now I'm in the anger stage of my grief. For me, when I'm angry, I don't act out or yell... it just makes me more sad than I already am.

    I feel like I got married young, went through divorce, because I felt I wanted to be with someone I really loved. Found someone I really loved, got engaged....
    got pregnant and was so happy. I finally had what I fought for... and then in the blink of an eye it was gone.

    He's now depressed and says a wedding doesn't sound like something he wants right now... so wedding plans are also on hold.

    I don't know how to handle it all. I feel like I'm grieving the baby, my relationship, and I'm being punished for losing her, by losing my engagement too.
    Your wings were ready, my heart was not.

  4. #64
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    I think I know how you feel, but also, that does mean you should feel that way....I mean, you shouldn't. I hope you realize that. Guilt is just something I'm still struggling with. I have a ton of it. This is going to sound crazy but sometimes I don't feel like I deserve happiness after what she did. I don't talk about this much but it was actually supposed to be both of us. She wanted me to do it with her. And I was shocked, I said no and I thought I had talked her out of doing it. Anyway. So I have survivor's guilt. It's something I've spent hundreds of hours talking about in therapy.

    And sometimes I feel like I'm being punished for not saving her. I was right there when she died, I actually found her lying on the bedroom floor at 5:00am on a Monday. I tried to save her and I failed. She literally died in my arms.

    It's got to be incredibly difficult going through what you are. I hope you can lean on each other, and be there for each other, and somehow learn to grieve together, and then find some peace together.

    He obviously loves you. And he wanted to get married. Those feelings haven't just disappeared. I know this might not be any consolation but I think he feels the same way, it just might take some time. In my experience, guys seem to drag their feet when it comes to dealing with emotions. I was taught at a very, very young age to not show emotion, to just move on. I don't know your bf at all of course but that's just been my experience with most of the male friends I've had. You don't show emotion, it's seen as weak. Of course, it's not, that's all b.s. but a lot of guys seem to think it is.
    You're going to lose people in your life, and realize that no matter how much time you spent with them or how often you told them you loved them, it will never seem like it was enough.

    Hug the ones you love.

  5. #65
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    Watched a sad real life story in the TV and that makes me cry.

  6. #66
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    Thinking about this weekend, with my kids, with my parents.

    My anxiety is mostly over picking up my kids, from my ex-wife's house. Ffs.

    Woman, you just do not have a clue as to how to raise three kids. You really don't. Have. A. Clue.

    You are all about boyfriends and clubbing and getting drunk and drinking beer by the outside fireplace and letting the kids roam free to do whatever they want.

    You have had Child Protective Services called on you twice now. Twice.

    Ffs.

    I should have custody of my kids.
    You're going to lose people in your life, and realize that no matter how much time you spent with them or how often you told them you loved them, it will never seem like it was enough.

    Hug the ones you love.

  7. #67
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    I really do not have a fucking clue as to what triggers a flashback for me sometimes. They just come out of nowhere, and I have no clue. They're very strange for me (as I think they are for anyone who has them). I think I was dreaming about her, about my ex whose suicide I witnessed five and a half years ago. It was one of those cases where you can't quite remember what you were dreaming about, you can't remember the exact details, I'm just sure I was dreaming about her. Ffs. Every time I think the dreams / nightmares have stopped they come back.

    My therapist would tell me if I'm dreaming about her it might be because I'm not dealing with something....dreams are your subconscious mind trying to deal with the **** that you refuse to deal with when you're awake, according to her. Sometimes I hate it when she's right. She's probably right.

    It's not even anywhere near the anniversary date of the suicide. It's not anywhere close to her birthday. Maybe it's because it's close to the date we met, maybe that's what's bringing it on lately, idk. I have all of these dates, many more, that are just f-ing burned into my brain for all of eternity, all having to do with her or our relationship in some way. Every month, every season brings me back in some way to the relationship we had and memories of where we were or what we were doing. Some memories are happy of course, some not so much, and some are just so f-ing horrifying and unbelievable that I'm just never, ever going to truly get over them or get well, it's just not gonna happen.
    You're going to lose people in your life, and realize that no matter how much time you spent with them or how often you told them you loved them, it will never seem like it was enough.

    Hug the ones you love.

  8. #68
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    I miss her.

    I miss her so, sooooooo, sooooooo much.

    I miss everything about her. I miss the way she smelled and the way she held me and the way she smiled at me and the way I would wake up on Saturday mornings and I'd find her in her nightgown doing the dishes and the way her cute little bootie poked out of her nightgown lol, and I miss the way she'd hug me when I came home from work and I miss tht woman.....soooooo, soooooo much ffs.
    You're going to lose people in your life, and realize that no matter how much time you spent with them or how often you told them you loved them, it will never seem like it was enough.

    Hug the ones you love.

  9. #69
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    I miss her, and I hate myself. I hate myself for losing her.
    You're going to lose people in your life, and realize that no matter how much time you spent with them or how often you told them you loved them, it will never seem like it was enough.

    Hug the ones you love.

  10. #70
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    I know I've posted this before but I miss the way we'd sit on the swing in the front yard, and watch the sunset. Then, sometimes we'd sit on the chairs on the back porch and watch the sun rise, sometimes without even going to sleep. And it wasn't just about sex, we were really and truly best friends. Although, I've never, ever been more comfortable with anyone, and never felt like I was made for anyone in the bedroom, and everywhere else, like I did with her. I've never felt like I've "gotten" someone, you know how when you have friends, or you have lovers that just seem to "get" you right away, you get each other, there doesn't have to be any explanations, your weird quirks, your strange habits are just accepted and you accept theirs also, and it doesn't have to be a chore, it's not like that at all....you just accept them because it seems like you were made for each other.

    I really can't explain that to anyone that hasn't been in that kind of relationship but if you have, then you know exactly what I mean.

    My fear of relationships of course is just a billion times worse than it was. I thought getting to know someone who struggled with some of the same anxiety and depression issues that I had would be good in a way. I mean, we'd have so, so much common ground, so much to talk about and we'd understand each other in ways that other couples might not. And we did.

    But it was just all so, so wrong in some ways. Obviously.

    I hope my flashbacks stop soon because they are really, reeeeally bad lately and I don't know how much longer I can take this, I really don't.
    You're going to lose people in your life, and realize that no matter how much time you spent with them or how often you told them you loved them, it will never seem like it was enough.

    Hug the ones you love.

  11. #71
    Kimbra's Avatar
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    Seeing my good for nothing ex. BAH!
    Beating anxiety this year

  12. #72
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    I woke up tangled in my sheets and for a moment thought I was being restrained.
    *Fart noises*

  13. #73
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    Woke up late and missed my chance to take care of something that I have to do in order to not be arrested...
    *Fart noises*

  14. #74
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    Just waking up!

    This morning, I wasn't even thinking of anything. The alarm woke me up and I was having a panic attack. I know it's the panic attack that jars us out of sleep, but this was beyond that! I wasn't even nervous about the day!

  15. #75
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    knowing that I have to get out of the house today..

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