I know its bad to compare myself to others, but sometimes I simply can't help it. I look at other women I went to school with and how they graduated and one went on to be a doctor. I feel bad about myself. I dropped out of college when I was younger, cause I had a good job then that paid well. But life happened, I got married, had a baby, left that job, got divorced... and now I'm at a low paying job and can't make it by. I feel like I have no motivation. I'm lucky if I make it to work and don't quit over anxiety/depression. I wish I did better. I wish I could do better. Its not about believing in myself, its about being real. I know that once the anxiety/depression hits, I'm not going to continue school... I'll end up dropping out and quitting because I will feel I can't handle it.
I see people at work and how they work so hard, and feel ambitious. I have none of that. I'm basically here, watching the time, waiting to go home. Why am I like this? I don't want to be this way. I want to be driven and successful. I want to have a good job and feel good about what I do. I sit here each day, wishing the day away, waiting to go home and get in bed and hide there. I love sleeping cause I feel its my time where I can not think and just feel at ease. Sleeping shouldn't be my favorite part of life. I should be able to wake up and not be late because I don't want to face the day. I'm so over myself and my mind.