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  1. #1
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    Reverting to Old Behavior

    Hi, I'm new to this support group and am just looking for insights, suggestions, empathy on my current situation. Apologies if this is the wrong "room" and I can move this to another one if you give me guidance.

    In a nutshell, I've lived with depression/anxiety my entire life. Last year I decided to leave my husband of 12 years because I was no longer happy and I felt that I could not truly be the "me" I wanted to be. It was heartbreaking but also a mutual decision.

    Around that same time, I became attracted to a guy about 17 years older than me (I'm 35). We became incredibly close friends but over the past six months it's become an obsessive behavior of mine to continually ask him if he wants more than a friendship. His response was always that he wasn't sure, and it eventually became that "it had to be no" because I wanted a final answer. I went back and forth trying to say uncertainty was okay and that I would wait....but it wasn't true. We ended up kissing one night about a month ago and from that point it just got worse for me as I tried to navigate these waters. A few weeks ago he asked for space.

    I've never had someone ask for space and did not know how to handle it. I repeatedly asked for guidance, which he did not provide. It got to a boiling point a few nights ago when I blew up on him via text, telling him that he led me on and that I was tired of being in a one-sided friendship, etc. This wasn't the first time I had blown up on him, either. I did it back in January, too.

    After talking to my counselor, I realized that the medication I'm taking (125 mg Effexor) had stopped working, probably around the January timeframe. I'm two days into taking Effexor with 25 mg of amitriptyline which I'm praying to God helps in a couple weeks.

    My friend/crush has blocked me on social media and I'm pretty sure he blocked me on email/phone, though there's no way to really tell. I was dumbstruck and hurt. I am obsessing over this and it's driving me absolutely bonkers.

    I left my husband because I was relying too much on him for my happiness. Here I am none months later doing the exact same thing with another guy. I keep wanting to hear his forgiveness, to hear him say it's okay and that he's my friend still. But I think I lost his friendship for good. And maybe it needed to happen.

    I'm having a hard time believing that I've changed at all, that I will be able to express my anxiety in healthier ways in the future (vs blind rage or obsessive thoughts)...it's been a really rough time lately and as I wait to see if these new meds help, I'm just going through life in five-minute segments. I just can't seem to stop obsessing over what he's doing, why he blocked me, and why he won't talk. Please someone tell me I'm not going crazy.

    Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk

  2. #2
    Cuchculan's Avatar
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    No expert on relationships or anything like that. But as you had split from your husband and lost what was always there for you, by way of a person you once loved, trusted and could depend on, you then almost replaced him, with what you hoped, would be the exact same thing. Another man you hoped could simply step into the role you husband used to fill. But relationships are always different. This is something we have to try and understand. What we expect from a relationship doesn't always appear. This new man maybe thought things were moving a bit too fast. We heard nothing of his past. So he might have been in a bad relationship in the past. Just didn't want to commit to anything too quickly.

    Fair to say that nobody ever wants to get hurt in a relationship. But life been what it is means anything can happen. Things go bad when we least expect it. Then somebody ends up getting hurt. Right now you sound confused as much as anything else. Confused about how you handle relationships. Is a small matter of not jumping in too fast. Allowing space when it is needed. Both people in a relationship have lives. Not talking married couples here. You meet a new person, you have to accept they have a life. Friends. Things that might have always done on certain nights before they met you. So you have to work around certain things. Not expecting them to give everything up for a new relationship. They can maybe invite you along to some things. Just like you would have had a life before the new relationship. Each person has to be willing to give and take. You should not have to give up things you done before you met the new person. Same goes for them. This is the bit of space I mentioned earlier.

    Relationships can be hard at times. They can be cruel at times. But they are things that those involved in them are always working on. Talking is always important. To find out what each other likes. To find out what each other expects from a relationships. What each other dislikes too. Is the only way people can get to know each other. You start at the start and learn only by talking and sharing with each other.

    But don't let this put you off trying again. Learn from it. Takes things a little bit slower next time around. Learn what you can about the person. Get to know each other through words. Then build on things from there.
    The Lovable Irish Rogue

  3. #3
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    Hi Katmom,
    I was told years ago ( and I believe it to be true) is after a divorce you need approx 4 years to heal, to learn to be on your own, to eventually date, to make mistakes, etc etc.,
    I think you know that you were just replacing one person, your husband, with another person.
    I’m thinking this new guy was trying to tell you gently that he wasn’t interested. Period. You kept on him till he had no choice to block you.
    The question I’d ask myself if I were you is this...
    What were your early years like. Did your father withhold love from you? Trace your behavior (seems to be a pattern of neediness) back to your younger years.
    You’ve got work to do on yourself but the great news is if you put in the work you will reap the benefits of not needing anyone.
    And when that happens you’ll be ready for a healthy relationship!!
    It’s up to you to decide how much you’re willing to learn so you can ultimately change and grow.
    I speak from experience-I took a good hard look at myself years ago and realized the only person I could change was me. And I did.
    Also, welcome to the site.

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