I?m struggling how bad I am not even sure the want to ask for help but feel even that help would be pointless questioning does anybody care to help am I worth helping am I worth listening to I don?t think so which is why I don?t think I ask hardly if I try I don?t know how the hospitals don?t help I?m not sure if therapy is I feel trapped everyday my life will never go anywhere I lost the ability to attend college my career is done i will never be anything successful marriage I sit there and think who would love me I have meltdowns I lack social ability to understand what?s acceptable what isn?t I am basically retarded Let?s face it it?s like I know I want to be loved but I don?t feel as people including family love me I mean they say they love me but what does it even mean my mind is constantly running I get headaches because it seems I never allow my self a break I sometimes just want to disappear some of my thoughts are not ?normal? so I don?t share because they aren?t things I hear others say

Sometimes I?m worried about my own self

Everyday is a struggle to wake up once I?ve fallen asleep

The other day I had to be put under for a medical exam I told my mom it felt as if I no longer was alive I told her is that how death feels because it was peaceful to no I was able to not feel to not even know anything my brain had felt as it shut down something I wish for everyday

I worry about my future I guess that?s everybody but I worry about it in different ways I feel whatever I?m going to get my self into a drastic situation because of my poor decisions will I end up in sex trafficking dead drugged although in recent years my choices have improved it?s still a worry


I mean my life is basic at this point I really just have this dream of becoming a homeless person in LA why I have no idea it seems as so much happens in LA I know this isn?t logical thinking

My self esteem is so low

The whole I lost 45 pounds I need to starve my self to lose the rest so the last 3 days I?ve ate hardly a thing but yet I have been eating fast food because I gave up effort to even cook myself a meal

I stopped drinking water everybody says this is why I am weak and ill constantly but our body is made up of 70% of water so why would I drink more it?s disgusting plus the flint water crisis destroyed my ability to drink from a faucet so I drink water bottles but then I read about the parasites in them so now I just drink pop everyday and for some form of nutrition a vitamin water or sparkling water here and there


I hate my meds so I completely stopped them what?s the point they made me feel stupid to have to rely on something for my brain to be normal they did not make me normal i still was impulsive hyper manic depressed dreaming about my death as well as joking about it plus everybody still hates me

It?s so easy to hide my thoughts feelings everyday I learned from a early age to fake it so you can make it type thing fake want you have to so you can be released from a hospital as soon as posssible fake behaviors to get the SSI check or to fake behaving so you can manipulate to get what you want


I am sick of the whole sharing my problems being told I need help but let?s face it I?ve lived in high secure homes for minor children therapy 3 times a week a hour long group therapy the DBT CBT everything so many therapist so many families I?ve lived with the whole shelters as a child I have received help my whole life partially I blame my entire childhood to why I?m this fucked up adult whom society hates I mean am I that liberal snowflake who needs that safe spot am I that free loader because I receive SSI like am I that whole threat to society

I?m sick of feeling labeled every day of my life not ?normal? retarded Ill whatever you want to call it


Then it?s like I never asked to be a female to want to live to want to do any of this but because my mom thought it would be wise to have a baby in her already screwed up life it?s okay that I have to deal with the cards I?ve been delt

I shouldn?t

Everyday I want people to care for me in ways they can?t why? Because I want people to care because I can?t I want to just stop caring I already feel as I had I stopped my meds I refuse to see my primary care because I need a new one I?ve deemed my life it is where it is and it will stay this way for as long as whenever can?t sit there and put a day on the day you pass nobody knows

I want someone to come along and show me life is worth living it?s worth moving on it?s worth fighting for that something can happen that because things do get better

Because currently they just get worse in worse in my head my mind tells me to give up but I tell myself to push forward it?s a constant battle of just my mind consuming me


I hate people feel I manipulate I do things because I want attention because I whatever

That?s the thing is I feel this way everyday no matter what pills no matter how my day is going some days worse then others


I just think I keep mentally giving up


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