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Thread: Weekly upbeats!

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    Weekly upbeats!

    Congrats Anxiety Space we've all made it to Saturday!

    Whether you made it out of bed today, spoke up in a meeting or class, rode the bus, or just stepped outside please share with us what went well for you in the past week.Any accomplishment, victory, positive thought or action no matter how big or small is welcome here!

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    rabidfoxes's Avatar
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    My great achievement of the last week has been to recover from Covid. I still can't do vigorous exercise and my sense of smell is gone but I stepped outside for the first time in two weeks. It wasn't the greatest of days - wet, passers-by looking forlorn and coughing, Christmas lights cold and pointless in daylight - but it felt so good to finally move on.

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    @rabidfoxes

    I'm glad you've recovered! It must have been awful. I hope the residual symptoms fade off eventually.

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    @Heelsbythebridge thank you! Luckily it was not as bad as it could have been. But I am sure happy it's over. Now probably will go into deep isolation to avoid Omicron as I can't get a booster for another month.

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    @rabidfoxes
    Few! Good to hear you beat that! Is everybody around you okay?
    The best book I read about trauma since '97 is Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving

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    I'm feeling strangely happy. Life used to be nothing but pain and misery. An ever growing sense of wonder fills its place. I wish I could bottle this and offer it to you.
    The best book I read about trauma since '97 is Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving

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    Quote TuanJie View Post
    I'm feeling strangely happy. Life used to be nothing but pain and misery. An ever growing sense of wonder fills its place. I wish I could bottle this and offer it to you.
    How does that happen ??? Teach me

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    Quote TuanJie View Post
    I'm feeling strangely happy. Life used to be nothing but pain and misery. An ever growing sense of wonder fills its place. I wish I could bottle this and offer it to you.
    I'm very happy for you but be honest... does it involve substances? :') Did you become financially independent (not needing to work)?

    -

    I passed an exam this week which means I keep a certification another year. We have to accumulate professional development points or we are kicked out and have to redo the entire program... which I was totally nooot willing to do.

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    @TuanJie yes, my partner and two members of my immediate family caught it at the same time (in different cities!) and yet it looks like we're all okay. If/when my sense of smell returns, I'll be over the moon.

    And congratulations @Heelsbythebridge . Nice to have that out of the way!

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    @CloudMaker
    It's my wish to be able to translate this into some sort of road map. Frankly, I'm not sure if I'm capable of that or if such a thing is even possible. I'd love it if people in great pain could have a taste of what life can be like despite challenging circumstances. I can tell you about what happened in my case. Perhaps you can find something of use there. It's a very long process, which continues till this day. I've had an insane amount of therapy, which hasn't helped me on a fundamental level. In the summer of 2018 life took a dramatic turn when I drank ayahuasca in a final attempt to avoid suicide. I ended up in hell. Also the next day, when I drank again. Life remained extremely hard after this, but a seed of some sort had been planted. Friends tell me I was different in a good way. The real magic happened when I drank aya again the next year. I had experiences after which I never was the same. I'd be happy to share more about that if you'd wish to hear.

    These experiences catapulted me into a totally different direction. I started a meditation practice to cultivate identification with the witness of thoughts and emotions. And I dove headfirst into spirituality in an attempt to make sense of what had happened. My skeptical agnostic [BEEP] learned that what had happened is called a mystical experience, which people have tried to describe throughout history and cultures. Recent research into psychedelic therapy indicates that this is the aspect that correlates most with a beneficial outcome. Most people whom you inquire about this rank it's impact in the top five or so of their life. Mine was the most profound experience of my life. I can barely talk about it without tearing up. I feel an incredible gratitude for what has happened and I'd love to have some of it spill over into the life of others who could use it. Not sure how to do that though. Words can't convey.

    I don't go out telling people to go drink aya, take another psychedelic or go and have a mystical experience. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been around without it though. But that was only the beginning. I've worked very hard to change my way of being in the world and continue to do so. Meditation, exercise, nutrition, challenging beliefs and behavior. I've spent an insane amount of time undermining my own internal chatter by listening to endless constructive podcasts and audio books. I think this has helped a lot to replace a lot of the unhelpful programs running in my mind (certainly not all!). The first thing I do in the morning is listen to a (nondual) talk every day. For many years already. I meditate 4 times a day, 2+ hours in total. I exercise often. Eat well, don't drink and expose myself to new information every day. It all adds up. Gradually, a lot of suffering has been replaced with a sense of wonder and joy. The past years have been by far the best thus far. So for me it hasn't been a magic trick, but rather a few initial experiences followed with a dedication to change my mind and life. Life forced me on my knees. It was because of this that I was ready to surrender, which allowed for these transformative experiences. It couldn't have happened any sooner. I wasn't ready before.
    The best book I read about trauma since '97 is Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving

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    @Heelsbythebridge
    Outwardly and financially I'm in the same position I was in when I was suicidal. No job, no career, no partner, no car, very limited social life, etc. Retired on disability. A complete failure in the eyes of many, I'm sure. The essence of what is changed is a shift in identity and my relationship with what is. I'm not on any substance in a futile attempt to escape reality. Rather the other way around. Three years ago I started to cultivate an attitude of "yes to life" as it is. Much less shouldism. Not because I wanted to, but because I was forced to. I try to welcome every experience that presents itself. I don't always succeed. Life is still very hard from time to time. Do I need to make a problem out of that? Should it be something else? Life is now fundamentally different from the torture chamber it was for at least 21 years. What initiated this, much to my own surprise, were a couple of experiences with ayahuasca in 2018 and 2019. Much of it was horrific. A whole lot has happened since. It's been a very confusing and often extremely painful process, but I've been walking out of hell ever since and I've slowly started to feel another type of ground underneath my feet. It's wonderful to get up and not be depressed. To see beauty and to appreciate life. The only life that I'm actually living. The shift that has occurred is all internal and it's continuing. Everything stayed the same, yet everything changed.

    There are many people far worse of than I, who are happy. The idea that you'd have to be somewhere- or have something else for that often leads to a lot of suffering. That thought itself is the obstacle for happiness. It reduces each moment, the only thing we ever have, to a stepping stone for something else. Life delivers pleasure and pain regardless. I echo much of what the Buddhists say about attachment and suffering. Human beings are capable of suffering nearly anything. Never "there" yet. It's resisting what is. Denying life. That's the struggle we'll never win. Illusion. Pain x resistance = suffering. Pain is a part of life. There's great freedom in relating differently to what happens to be so. I'd almost say that the more granular I get with it, the more wondrous it becomes. Also pain to an extent. I resist too, I'm only human.

    The irony is that by accepting life as it is, space opens up for change. From time to time I even catch myself aspiring to help others who are in a position I used to be in most of my life. I don't know if I want to go there and if I'd be stable enough, but the thought of perhaps, maybe one day, attempting to see if I'd be able to contribute something and earn a living is quite something. It's a good indicator that life has gotten much better overall. I'm curious to see how the story unfolds. It's been one hell of a ride so far, of which I've come to appreciate the depth and intensity very much. It's a brutal and a beautiful life. Very rich. All inclusive. Not away from, but deeper into what seems unbearable. That's where the magic is. The one who suffers cannot go there. Only who you really are can. It's called the gateless gate for a reason.

    I can't blame you for being skeptical. I'd never have believed this if it weren't my experience either. Not in a million years. In fact, I'm still adjusting to this new reality. It isn't completely stable either, but after such a long time, it looks like it's here to stay. I came to all of this from a scientific materialistic, nihilistic, anti spiritual worldview. That framework turned out to be the walls of the prison I was in. The walls that made up the "I" I thought I was. I'm sorry I have to resort to such mystical language. The nature of the transition just can't be captured in words. Words are pointers at best. They are not reality.
    The best book I read about trauma since '97 is Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving

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    @rabidfoxes
    How did you guys orchestrate that to happen at the same time in different places? Hope all will beat the bug soon.
    No smell sucks. Wasn't there some sort of therapy developed to help speed up getting your sense of smell back? I thought I saw an item about that a while ago.
    The best book I read about trauma since '97 is Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving

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    @TuanJie No one would call you a failure. But yeah I am very skeptical, I don't think the feeling you describe is possible for those still mired in the rat race like I am (unless very temporarily and with the help of substances). I could see myself feeling this happy and freed if I were on vacation/traveling but the other 50 weeks of the year.... yeah....

    Keep being happy for those of us that can't be though.

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    @TuanJie thanks, I've looked into it as a result of you mentioning it and they do suggest smelling things a few times a day to retrain your nose. I will do that! I can smell some things but my nose is like a blunt instrument whereas previously it was very sensitive. On the other hand, I hear my neighbour coughing brutally next door and remind myself that I got off lightly. I've no idea how my family all caught it at the same time, most likely I infected everyone through our phone conversations : P

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    @rabidfoxes
    There used to be a bit of a buffer with the wires, but these smart phones transmit all kinds of [BEEP] through the air. Stuff goes viral before you know it.

    You've probably been lucky there indeed. Good thing you can see it that way. Hope you'll manage to get your sense of smell back.
    The best book I read about trauma since '97 is Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving

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