I hate it. I don't mind initiating hangouts, I don't get anxious over that alone... but when you have to do this 99.9% of the time it gets so frustrating and I end up thinking I'm being a nuisance. I think this is how it's always been ever since I started to hang out with people outside of school. I've always been the one to ask "Hey you wanna go ____ this weekend?" "Hey you wanna go eat at ____ this week?" etc etc. I bought up this frustration of mine to someone very close to me and I told them I often feel I am annoying them every single time I ask them to hang out. Clearly I was taking this personally, and they told me it's nothing personal and that they're so busy taking care of their siblings and whatnot (they have plenty), and I believe them. But still.. I don't know.. it sometimes sucks having more free time than a lot of people. I just have school.. I don't work (I don't have time to since I'm almost done with school so it's a lot of work to deal with already)... and my family doesn't do anything so I'm always just by myself in my room or I go places by myself. It's so frustrating. I don't mind doing things in solitude either but I do it so much and I almost never see anyone.

I've also experimented or whatever by not asking people to hang out at all for 3 months. Within those 3 months, they never ask me to hang out or anything. Some in the past have been all "Hey how come we don't hang out anymore!" Well gee, wtf... if YOU want to hang out with me, the least you coulda done was simply ask me! How freakin hard is that???

Nowadays, when I ask people to hang out, I don't just simply go "Hey you wanna go ____ this weekend?" I also add "But if you don't want to, then that's okay... I understand." Or "if you have too much going on or if it's too much work driving to _____, then it's ok, I understand." Most of the time people end up going and hanging out with me but then I feel they're doing it because they probably think I'm forcing them to hang out.

Right now I feel like I'm being awfully rude because this person close to me (same person I mentioned earlier whom I told I was frustrated with always having to ask them to hang out)... they told me the other day that they haven't done much at all so far this winter break because they just don't feel like doing anything and that they're just trying to take it easy at home. But I just sent out a msg to them asking if they wanna go mini golfing next week, that is..if they are able to. I thought about adding "If you still don't feel like doing anything by next week then that's ok..." but then I suppose that would make it seem like I find it ridiculous that they haven't done anything this break even though I seriously do not think this at all. I had been feeling that way as well.. I been home a lot, but for me personally..it's gotten to the point where I feel like going nuts if I'm alone in my room any longer and not communicating with anyone.

*deep sigh* I just want to get over this frustration. I know some people who always do the asking and initiating too and they don't seem to have a problem with it at all. I guess some people are just naturally planners? I don't know... I just can't help but feel so annoyed over me always being the one to ask people if they want to hang out I've told people this bothers me but it just seems like it's just them... they're just not the type of people to initiate hangouts? I don't know anymore. It's not like they act bored when we hang out either..they always look like they're having fun...