Feeling good. I went to my doc and got new meds today for my stomach problems. Hopefully these will actually help. On top of that I did ten stores today, which is a record for me. Today was pretty good for a Monday.
Feeling very worried about someone I consider to be a close friend. She's battling all kinds of reeeeally scary health problems right now. I wish I was there to give her real (((hugs))) instead of hugs over the phone or chat.
I've done nothing, nothing all day today while at work but think of her, and pray for her. I was pretty slow at work today lol. Making mistakes. I couldn't get my mind off of her. Please God let everything be OK. If there is a God......
Worried about my mom, she's in the hospital again. She has so, so many health problems. I'm worried about my mom, and my dad and how he's dealing with all this. I feel so helpless. There's nothing I can do except visit her, and offer to help however I can.
Feeling good. My mom is doing a lot better, hospital is trying to find the cause. She's stable now and is feeling a lot better.
I had an awesome time with my kids tonight. We did batting practice at MinuteMaid Park. Was a lot of fun. I hit two into the outfield. Pretty good basehits. My son did pretty well. I tried but couldn't get my girls to do it, they were too chicken. That field is just HUGE when you're down there behind home plate. It seems like miles to the outfield.
It's hard to describe how I'm even feeling sometimes, because I'm always dealing with the fuqing grief, it never, ever ends, it never takes a day off.
I have issues that I have a hard time dealing with and they catch up to me sometimes, they sneak up behind me and bite me in the ***. I'm trying though. I'm going to my therapist. I'm taking my meds. I'm "adulting" even on days when I don't feel like getting out of bed.
I have a lot of fuqing issues to deal with, that's the thing, and I know everyone has issues, but there are three major ones I can't seem to get a handle on. The abuse from my mom when I was a kid. The suicide I witnessed 4/23/12, who was my soulmate. And my cheating ex-wife lol.
If I could get past those three things life would be just amazing but I don't see it happening anytime soon. Or. Ever.
I appreciate the feedback, and I'm not assuming you're offering to feel sorry for me in any way, I don't want that. I don't want anyone's pity, I just want to get better, I just want to get well.
I guess it's a journey not a destination. I just....I get so, so tired of dealing with the same issues. I started talking to my first therapist about my mom when I was 15 years old, that was over 30 years ago. And I'm still dealing with it, now. I've been dealing with it for over 30 fuqing years.
I guess the best I can do is just keep taking pills and keep going to therapy. That sounds like....giving up. But maybe that's the best I can do, idk.
The frustrating, aggravating part of all of this that just makes me want to rip my hair out is.....I think I've made progress with some of this and then a few months or years later I find myself right back where I was, years ago. Guess all you can do is like I said stay in therapy and stay on meds lol.
For me, acceptance helps. I accept that I was powerless, used and abused. It’s the best I can do because I can’t change it. But every time I try to pretend that all was fine something happens to me. Too hard to describe. It happened and we all wish it didn’t. Especially me. Anyway, that’s how I handle things in my darkest moments. Otherwise I’ll try something stupid. Good night IG.
Feeling awesome, having a great weekend with my kids and parents. I helped my dad put up outside lights last weekend. The kids and my dad and I worked on the inside this weekend....put up the tree, 9 foot snow village, manger scene, and put 2 or 3 Christmas themed stuffed animals in every room. Their house looks pretty good.
Also got in 2 or 3 hours of exercise playing hoops in driveway.
Last night we all watched National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and we all died laughing, it's been twenty years since I've seen that movie.
I can't say I'm "getting in the Christmas spirit". I'm missing family and friends that have passed away in the last several years. Missing them more each day as Christmas gets closer. But it's really nice to be with the family I have this time of year.