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  1. #2026
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    I'm feeling good. Feeling blessed. I had a really good weekend with my kids and parents.

    I'm starting to feel somewhat more rested now, finally....this past week just left me fucking exhausted. Might sound strange but the first appointment with my new psychiatrist Friday just wore me out. I had a lot of anticipatory anxiety, a lot of stress during and even after the appointment but overall it went really well, aside from leaving me tired mentally, physically, all over lol. I got into some really deep stuff that I don't hardly ever talk about to anyone anymore, ever. Even not much on here anyway. Mostly was about my ex-gf's suicide. I have a very difficult time going into that with anyone I trust because I still have an incredible amount of guilt and it brings up some feelings that are truly just overwhelming. It's a devastating trauma that I can't hardly get into anymore. I think my psychiatrist could see it in my face, my demeanor....I was trying but I was very uncomfortable talking about it. I feel like I could've, should've done something else to stop her. I don't know what, but something. I really felt like she was OK when we went to bed that night. She fell asleep first, I made sure of it. I thought she was fine. I knew she was hurting but I also knew, was convinced that she was OK. Dear God we talked for a loooong time before she went to sleep.

    I know I was visibly upset. It's the first time I've talked about the suicide without losing it to some extent. I know, I know he could tell I was trying really hard to keep my composure. I can't go into it in any more detail than I have in this post without having flashbacks, and well, I have had some already. It changed me, forever and I think my new shrink knows that....he just wasn't willing to push me on it anymore in our first appointment. And I'm glad he didn't, if he had I most likely would never go back. I've done that before.

    Anyways I'm glad I have tomorrow off. I need another day. Not want, but need. I need to pick up my car from the shop tomorrow. Run errands. Take care of some things. Just get back to normal, or some sense of normal. It might be quite a while before I can even bring up my ex again, Idk. I feel....shaken up, even still. But at the same time feel like I'm getting back to a somewhat normal state of mind.
    You're going to lose people in your life, and realize that no matter how much time you spent with them or how often you told them you loved them, it will never seem like it was enough.

    Hug the ones you love.

  2. #2027
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    Feeling good.

    My dad is enjoying his retirement and that makes me really happy. He has zero debt. He and my mom live in a very nice home in a nice part of town and it's all paid off, he has a $400K RV that is paid off, he has tons of disposable income. He also just qualified for VA disability. He was drafted in Vietnam, while my mom was pregnant with me. He is one of the very, very few men from his platoon to come home alive. Almost all of his buddies have names on the Memorial Wall. Anyway he just qualified for disability, which he should have, and that will help them out a little every month. My paternal grandfather was a gunner on one of the biggest ships in WWII and he qualified for disability for hearing loss.

    I have the utmost respect for anyone that has served. They're the reason I'm even here and able to type this.

    Anyway he's at a ballgame right now. In good seats. Having a beer. With his friends. Enjoying retirement. I really do not know of anyone more deserving. This man worked 12 hour days to get where he was, and he did it for years.
    You're going to lose people in your life, and realize that no matter how much time you spent with them or how often you told them you loved them, it will never seem like it was enough.

    Hug the ones you love.

  3. #2028
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    Pretty good.

  4. #2029
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    Somewhat annoyed. I think the soap I'm using is making me itch so much, especially on my face.

  5. #2030
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    confused, worried, somewhat relieved, and depressed

  6. #2031
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    Anxious as heck. Heading back to work tomorrow for the first time since I got sick, and it's making me nervous.
    I'M GONNA FIGHT 'EM ALL
    A SEVEN NATION ARMY COULDN'T HOLD ME BACK.......


  7. #2032
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    Week three of a down. I thought this had lifted but I'm guessing not given by the shite I'm going through tonight.

    I'm in pain, I can't eat, I spend half the time freezing cold and I can barely move. I'm going to work, I'm coming home. I'm isolated here. My mood is just fabulous. I can't figure out what's going on anymore. This stupid social experiment whereby I get together with a bunch of people, bond, make friends for life and somehow they become an epic support network where my mental health and life improves as a result has backfired dramatically. And I'm just, failing.

    I can't see what's even happening anymore. It's just...me and everything around me makes no sense. I don't know what's even happening I just want this to all stop.

    I just can't keep doing this. Dipping every now and then and knowing that these dips will just happen again and again and again. Because there's absolutely no cure and I'm stuck with this for life. I can't deal with this for the rest of my life.

    Something honestly just feels as though it has to give.

    Sent from my FIG-LX1 using Tapatalk
    I'M GONNA FIGHT 'EM ALL
    A SEVEN NATION ARMY COULDN'T HOLD ME BACK.......


  8. #2033
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    There are times when we try too hard. I am guilty of that one. Is like we know what is expected of us and that is were we must end up or we fail. Or so we can tell ourselves. Reality we will never end up at that place we think we are meant to end up at. So no matter what we are always going to feel like we failed. Forget were you think others expect you to be at and the heights you think they expect you to reach. Never set any goals like that at all. Ones that will never be reached. Is like me saying I am going to head out next month and go to a concert. That would never happen. Some might say it can if I work towards that goal. That is adding pressure. Pressure we don't need. Spur of the moment things are better. I seriously never make any plans to do anything at all. So if I do something I feel good about it. If I do nothing I have not failed myself or anybody else around me. Because I never said I was going to do anything. I am one for just taken off on the spur of the moment. That way I have no time to think about anything in advance. Which is another thing that always sets us up to fail. We have this major goal, we think about it. Not in a good way. More like ' what if I don't meet expectations '. The anxiety starts to build up. It fecks us up bad and we end up much worse.

    As for living the life we have? Same thoughts have crossed my mind many times. Is this it for the rest of my life? Again the kind of thinking that brings us further down. Yes this is our life. It sucks big time. When we stop and think about it. Or when we fail at doing something. Hence I say feck goals and feck thinking. I never know what tomorrow will hold. Will I be in pain? I will only know tomorrow. I get a lot of pain from acid reflux. What it does to my insides. Do have something I can take if I need it. But I hate taken it. It can help with any pains. Once in pain I all but stop eating. One fecked up life when things are going bad. Always wondered how I ever ended up this bad? Then I say FECK IT. I am here now. How I got here will not solve anything at all. So I get on with my little ways in my fecked up days. Good days are good. Bad ones can run into weeks. Easier to fall downwards than it is to climb back up. It can seem like all we are ever doing is climbing back up only to fall back downwards again. But continue to climb we will. Because that is who we are.
    The Lovable Irish Rogue

  9. #2034
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    weird

  10. #2035
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    Like a dick for having vanished out of the blue from here a couple years ago despite meeting a few cool folks here.

    Also feeling quite lonely and plan on once again frequenting various SA communities in hopes of building up a bit of a support network to give and receive support. I've made improvements in the last few years, but there's more to be done.

  11. #2036
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    No need to apologize, come and go as you need/want

    Glad to feel you've made some improvements. Hope that continues for you.

    Sent from my SM-G960F using Tapatalk
    I'M GONNA FIGHT 'EM ALL
    A SEVEN NATION ARMY COULDN'T HOLD ME BACK.......


  12. #2037
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    Sleepy and irritable (I just woke up)

  13. #2038
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    Really good. Finally got around to filing my taxes. The first time I actually don't owe due to not having insurance. For 2017 I was only partially covered for the year and wasn't at all for the previous year. Today is also supposed to be on the okay side and spring is just around the corner.
    "When I know that I am nothing, that is wisdom. When I know that I am everything, that is love. Between the two my life moves." - Nisargadatta Maharaj

  14. #2039
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    Angry

  15. #2040
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    It's w/e

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