A Second Chance

[TheDarkness]

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[Misssy]

One girl that I went to school with was some-what mean to me. Though I had experienced that kind of thing before much worse.

She sort of apologized to me at one point, I think it's because she became best friends with one of my friends or it could be because her father shot her mother to death...and that made her grow up a bit.

Not sure. I never really held a grudge against her to be honest though....it just goes to show that people know when they are doing something wrong.

[Chieve]

An abuser, unless he gets serious improvements and seriously changes, Nope. And if he have tried to change and we got together, the second he even attempts to attack me no.

Now about your situation

If I was your brother I would forgive you. But at the same time, if I try to put myself in your brothers shoes, since your older your kind of someone he would go to, and abandoning him is like a parent abandoning his child. I understand why you did it, and I think your situation is actually really complicated.

I think you should try to get your brother to understand you side, or at least thinking it, and open his mind and think about it a little and have him put himself in your shoes....

At least try to compromise, because it seems like neither of you had a great upbringing and it seems like both of you have understandable feelings about your actions and thoughts...

I would just try my best to compromise.

I am always willing to give a second chance though.

[Chantellabella]

Okay, here goes:

If someone hurts me and shows clear evidence that they do actually care about me, I will more often than not meet them halfway. A genuine "sorry" goes a long way in my book too but I've learned a lot about guilt these past few months and I'm no less inclined to want another person to feel guilty

So, I guess, the healthy point for me would be when I've seen evidence that the person cares about me and cares about making things up with me. Not that it all has to come from them. But that there is some sort of movement on their side to heal things.

Now, I am aware that this can be a bad strategy. For starters, it relies on other people having to do things before I feel I can heal hurts that are affecting me as well as affecting other people. And some people are just not going to be interested in healing things. People react to conflict in many different ways and some people just want to move on and not deal with it.

That's why I took the decision to forgive people regardless of how they responded. If they want to heal the hurt that was caused then I'm happy to be an active party in that healing process. But I won't intrude into a person's life when I'm not wanted or demand that another person change how they feel. Pain from the past eats. That's all it does. It eats you and it eats your social groups and it eats your life if you let it. Each case is obviously different depending on what actually happened. But keeping hold of that stuff is like hurting yourself over and over again. Life kicked you in the stomach once or twice or whatever and so you keep remembering it, keep going over the bad memories, the anger etc and you keep kicking yourself in the stomach.

Thanks takethebiscuit, for writing all this. It makes a lot of sense. And yes, pain from the past or bitterness and hanging on can eat away at you because it's just replaying the scenario over and over when in reality the past can't be changed. It sounds like you have a healthy viewpoint here. Thanks for the comment.

[Chantellabella]

Okay, I've been thinking about this for a while. My answer is no, I'm not sure about it, really. I guess it kinda depends on what they did and why they did it.

The people who bullied me throughout primary...No. I want nothing to do with any of them.

There's also someone I know, an apparent friend, who ditched me and pretended I didn't exist throughout most of last year when I had pretty bad bipolar disorder. Her reasoning? Her parents told her not to talk to me and she herself was having a [BEEP] time. She knew I was suicidal at the time, I also stupidly told her I OD'd. We supposedly agreed to be civil. We made up. I saw her today. She blanked me. But then I guess I didn't exactly talk to her either. But heck, SA. It's awkward enough with her, and I'm not sure I want to talk to her. Something did happen in December, something serious. Her acting as if I didn't exist was one of the factors that led to it in December. I'm not sure what I want to do, whether I'm supposed to forgive her for that.I don't ditch people just become I'm having a [BEEP] time and so are they. I had bipolar, I was suicidal and I was having a really [BEEP] time. She knew that.

I'm not sure if I can give her a second chance. Not after when happened in December.

But, I have said this before on another post, and I'll say it again. I'm not going to talk about what happened. Please don't ask me if you do talk to me. Please respect that.

I'm sorry that happened to you Otherside. It sounds like it's still raw and hurts. It takes me a long time to process the hurt when somebody does something. That second chance I was talking about was after years or decades of getting over the hurt and anger.

[Chantellabella]

I guess I don't actually choose to forgive, but i do choose to control my behavior and I don't try to get revenge, lol....I daydream abut it, but choose not to do it.

Abusers never say they are sorry, at least not in my experience.

I've handed out second and millionth chances, but to people who didn't even ask for them! That was kind of stupid....

Maybe it all comes down to a person just simply saying "Will you give me a second chance?" Honestly, if anyone, and I mean anyone--even my a-hole family, ever said that to me, I'd definitely say yes.

Unfortunately that seems to be the case...............that people who hurt others don't seem to know they should apologize and therefore we don't get that much needed "I'm sorry." That would go a long way, huh? I know in my past, once I got a sincere apology, no matter what the degree of hurt was, it was easier to forgive and give a second chance. I've had to learn though to even forgive when I know I'll never get an apology. That's the hardest thing to do and I stink at that.

[Chantellabella]

Usually i`m not too big on forgiveness, myself, nor do I really excpect it from others. But if that does somehow happens its great. As for forgiving abusers, though, I don`t think I could do that. Even if that person has truly changed, it doesn't make up for what they have done. Cliches and good intentions are great and all, and i`m sure that giving that person my "approval" or forgiveness would grant me the illusion that I was the bigger man. But, all and all, I don`t like to lie. An ex abuser or whatnot is not someone I would like to befriend, as they were probably not really my friend to begin with. If they wanna change and develop as a person that's great for them. But I aint their shrink. That`s about that.

So do I believe a taunter can change? of course. Yes. But only if they put their entire being into it.
Though in most cases, change is something that can takes years, and how we are at our core (some of our repetitive nature) will always play a part in everything we do.
For example. You and your brother. Despite your best intentions, he can`t forgive you. If the circumstances are bad enough, the how and why has all but become irrelevant.
In his eyes, you abandoned him. Insulted him. Betrayed his trust. All he sees in the one person he wanted to believe in, go away time and time again. Probably when he thought that he needed you the most.

The reality of the situation of course is somewhat different. Nothing in life is ever really black and white, and you probably did what you had to do to survive. Which is understandable. But in his eyes, everything you say is probably something that he considers as an insult. I know that I should tell you something in the line of "don`t give up on him!", but, to be honest, i`m not an optimist. I don`t think that whats happening between you is ever really going to change. True, as the years go by, things may appear to settle. After all, the busier we are, the less time we have to dwell on things. But some things will stay with us forever. And I believe that there is in fact a part in him that knows that you didn't mean to hurt him, and that you were young. He probably knows that his pain is now irrational, and that him thinking about you as if you were more then just a sister, was a mistake. I`m sure he knows that. After all, he`s not a little boy anymore. He`s a grown man. But... maybe there`s a part in him that needs to be upset with you. Maybe that`s the only way for him to remember you as his big sister. Maybe he`s afraid to realize that, without resenting you, he may have to face an even more terrifying truth about himself. Maybe he`s afraid that, even if he could put all this bad blood behind him, it wont change the fact that doesn't know you anymore. I dunno anything real about this situation apart from what your willing to share here, but I do know that you cant be upset with someone for years, without liking or loving something about them. Maybe he afraid to realize that blood truly is thicker then water. Maybe a part in him needs something symbolic, maybe he needs a villain.

So to answer your final question. People are people, and no two are alike. Depends on the person. Not everyone can change, and sometimes even a positive change can develop into a different type of destructive behavior. You never know, until you know. Even a changed person doesn't really get "born again", he simply adjusts his attitude. But as for faith. That I believe is something which can truly change at any given day. I hope you enjoyed my rely and can forgive my somewhat direct input on your situation. You guys are way older then me, and i`m sure that you are much wiser then I am. You know whats best for you, better then anyone here.

Thanks for commenting. You speak and have sparked me to do some serious thinking about what I should do with my brother. Thanks for your advice. I think I'm going to send him a letter apologizing one more time and if he chooses not to give me a second chance, then it's time to let him go in my heart. He may one day come around, but I have to let go of the guilt. At some point, it's no longer my fault if he refuses to come around.

[Chantellabella]

One girl that I went to school with was some-what mean to me. Though I had experienced that kind of thing before much worse.

She sort of apologized to me at one point, I think it's because she became best friends with one of my friends or it could be because her father shot her mother to death...and that made her grow up a bit.

Not sure. I never really held a grudge against her to be honest though....it just goes to show that people know when they are doing something wrong.

I totally agree that some people are aware of their behavior. I'm wondering if those are the ones who can eventually change. It's the ones who are unaware that they've done anything wrong and who fight for their right to be right. Those are the hardest to give a second chance to in my case.

[Chantellabella]

An abuser, unless he gets serious improvements and seriously changes, Nope. And if he have tried to change and we got together, the second he even attempts to attack me no.

Now about your situation

If I was your brother I would forgive you. But at the same time, if I try to put myself in your brothers shoes, since your older your kind of someone he would go to, and abandoning him is like a parent abandoning his child. I understand why you did it, and I think your situation is actually really complicated.

I think you should try to get your brother to understand you side, or at least thinking it, and open his mind and think about it a little and have him put himself in your shoes....

At least try to compromise, because it seems like neither of you had a great upbringing and it seems like both of you have understandable feelings about your actions and thoughts...

I would just try my best to compromise.

I am always willing to give a second chance though.

I agree that abusers are really a high risk for second chances. It's hard to tell if they are truly reformed. I think it's wise to be leery and guard your safety. And your comment of neither of us having a great upbringing sparked some thought in me. I started thinking about how horrible it had to have been for him. Not knowing where I was for 3 years had to eat him alive. He was only 10 when I left. Then to top that, he became the scapegoat when I left. Maybe we both just need to heal before any true relationship can be built. I need to be patient. it's just very hard to know that so many years are being wasted. Thanks for offering your comments.

[WintersTale]

Sometimes I really can't give someone a second chance, if they have hurt me enough.

I know this is bad. I've made plenty of mistakes myself, and I'm not perfect, so I'd hope that people would give me a second chance. But sometimes it is just impossible.