I don't know if I should cancel my appointment...

[nothing]

My therapist appointment, that is. I've only been to her twice, I know that's not a long time, but it's just so damn hokey; I can't stand it. I've developed a genuine contempt for the woman, telling me to check out some moronic self-help book from the library and chart my "irrational automatic thoughts" and replace them with rational ones. I can't do it, the thoughts are just as described; AUTOMATIC!

I know the next appointment will be more of the same nonsense, then I'll be furious about wasting more money. I also know that if I call and cancel, I'll feel like such a failure that I doubt I'll live another month.

It's about 2:12PM at the time I'm writing this and I'd have to call by 5 to give sufficient notice since I'd be cancelling an 11AM Monday morning appointment, so by the time anyone reads this I'll have made up my useless, diseased mind. Ohh well, I didn't have anything better to do anyway.

[Total Eclipse]

Each person is different... therapists need more then two visits to fully understand someone and try to help to see what works best for the patient. Some self help books can be useful... what one is she telling you the check out?

[nothing]

Each person is different... therapists need more then two visits to fully understand someone and try to help to see what works best for the patient. Some self help books can be useful... what one is she telling you the check out?

Yeah, I know, I'm just really worried about how frustrated and angry I'll be if I continue to pour my finite amount of resources into this likely ill-fated experiment into more therapy. It's always the same, I always get even worse when I actually try to improve. It doesn't matter what it is, SSRIs, psychotherapy, CBT, hypnosis, bla bla bla. I honestly don't know how a therapist has ever helped anyone, but I guess they have and the people who feel they were helped deserve to feel better.

I already checked out and read the book, I did the pointless little tasks in it, obviously they didn't help because I'm still shaking and hyperventilating trying to decide whether or not to cancel the appointment.

Ohh, the book is titled 'The Feeling Good Handbook' and I found it to be just as useless as any of the others in its genre, but everyone is different.

[nothing]

Well, I got drunk on cherry moonshine and diazepam, then called and left a message cancelling my appointment. Now I'm using the money I saved on that useless bullshit to buy substances to medicate myself into the void; where I belong.

[nothing]

I've done it now, I've medicated myself to the point where I'll be passing out pretty soon, lol, this is all so hopeless; I'll be a complete failure living with his mother until she dies, then I'll probably off myself soon after. Therapy is a complete waste of money and a sick joke, nothing will ever help. Why would a woman EVER want to be with me, I'm a failure at everything and have nothing but insanity to offer.

Screw this, it's full-on self-destruction now.

[nothing]

I'm all over the place with this. Now I feel so horrible for cancelling my appointment I just want to die. What the hell am I going to do, live as a shut-in forever? I guess so, I don't know how much longer I can take it though.

[nothing]

I'm insane about this, look how many times I post in this thread. Anyway, I decided that I'd probably end up killing myself if I gave up on trying to get better, so I left another message saying I wanted to keep the appointment. I'll also call as soon as they open tomorrow morning to make sure there's no confusion.

I'm terrified of what I'll do if I waste more money on this with no results, but I KNOW what I'll do if I just give up; this is making me hyperventilate and making my eye twitch.

[Inscrutable Banana]

Well, I'm sure I'm not the only around here who's glad you changed your mind. Keep reminding yourself that you can't expect anyone to become familiar with you if you don't give them enough time to, nor will they be able to if you aren't willing to talk about anything.

Good luck, I hope you get something out of it this time.

[nothing]

I don't think I'm getting anything out of it, she wants me to write about my idea of a positive future and attempting that was so depressing and hopeless that I ended up drinking and taking pills for three days straight.

I really just can't see any hope for the future at all, I'll never be able to open up to anyone. It's ridiculous, I want to die because I feel so lonely, but I just can't communicate with anyone.

[Inscrutable Banana]

Did you tell her that you tried, couldn't do it (as well as how that made you feel), and don't feel that approach is going to work for you?

[nothing]

No, that'll have to wait until my next appointment on the 20th; I can only afford to go twice/month.

I really don't think I can make it through this anymore.

[Inscrutable Banana]

You've got some time before the 20th so perhaps you should see if you can make a few more attempts at the assignment before you have to go back. Who knows, maybe you'll come up with something, even if it's just something small/simple--don't just focus on big changes, also consider small changes that could make for a more positive future.

[nothing]

She has made similar suggestions, my mind just doesn't work that way. I've tried to make small changes before, I always end up in worse shape than when I began.

Even she has said that I'm hanging on by a thread here, that she wants to weave that thread into a rope. I'm absolutely terrified that my thread is going to break, even before the 20th.

[Inscrutable Banana]

Well, binge drinking and downing handfuls of pills certainly isn't going to make your thread any stronger. I know you're hurting, but you're creating a self-fulfilling prophecy by willfully engaging in such behavior. You are not powerless even if it may feel like you are right now, don't allow yourself to be a slave to substance abuse and continually fall into self-destructive behavior that will only serve to make you even more miserable than you are now.

[nothing]

I've tried abstaining from said substances; I just get non-stop panic attacks. All hokey recommendations suggested to stop the attacks have failed. maybe it's just me being the useless sack of [BEEP] I am, but all this positive thinking nonsense is just frustrating me.

I'm not going back to useless therapy; I've tried it off and on for so many years now to no avail and I'm 100% done with it.

I'll never meet this woman I'm supposed to be visualizing. I'll never have a future of any importance, it's all bleak and hopeless and I'm sick of torturing myself dwelling on it.

Hopefully I'll die tonight from the combo of pills and alcohol, the world would be better off. If not the world, at least me, I would be better off dead, bloated and blue.

Time to finish another bottle of wine and down the rest of my pills.