I killed my mom

[Sagan]

I gave the authorization to end life support, ending my mothers life. What if I had waited a few days. Maybe she would have turned around. What have I done!? I will punish myself for this. My mom. My best friend in this whole world and I gave up on her. To hell with me and shall I be damned.

[Chantellabella]

I gave the authorization to end life support, ending my mothers life. What if I had waited a few days. Maybe she would have turned around. What have I done!? I will punish myself for this. My mom. My best friend in this whole world and I gave up on her. To hell with me and shall I be damned.

Josh, she was already gone. Just like my father was. And my cat.

I was telling my therapist today that it was my fault that Gumbeaux died and maybe I could have saved him. Do you know what she told me? She said that blaming myself is a distraction from the pain.

It hurts. It hurts like hell that they're gone. I miss those I love and your miss you mom. It just hurts. And it feels really bad. And our hearts are broken. And nothing we do can bring them back now.

So all we can do is sit with the grief until it subsides again.

It hurts like hell. I know. I truly know.

You didn't kill her. And I didn't kill my father.

They had gone already.

Please just hang on.

Sadness sucks.

Pain sucks.

I wish I could give you a better answer.

I'm sitting here with tears also.

[merc]

No, you did not. It was just her time to go. Everything and everyone on this planet eventually will die. I hope when I do die that I get some answers to all the questions about why are we here? I also hope to see family members and some friends who have died before me. I also think that maybe a nice big rest would be good. I also believe that dead people are really not that far away. This could be because I grew up in a house that I consider haunted, not by anything evil. It was just people who were once alive, their energy or spirit. Try to do one or two things she would want for you to do.

When I first moved into this house, I beleive Mrs. Kouzka was still here. She kept shutting the folding door at the top of the stairs. This is a folding accordion pleat door. I would leave it open I wold be in another room and hear it rattling and when I would go check it would be shut. I think she was worried about my kids falling. I talked to her niece and she said well that sure sounds like her.

My friend is also having a very hard time with the death of her mother. She had a bird, one that talked and it also died. She doesn't understand why we have to die. It doesn't make any sense to her at all. She has a grandchild. Oh she almost died herself. She had a brain tumor which caused her to have seizures and she was in a coma for a while. She seems so sad most of the time and I can never think of anything to say to her either. Both my parents are still alive, my Dad is 85and my Mom is 81. They could die any minute. My Aunt Stell lived to 102 and everyone she knew knew and loved died before her. I really don't want to live that long. My Aunt Anna died at 106.

[Sagan]

Thank you both for your replies. I apologize for being overly dramatic. The grief of her loss seems to be increasing instead of lessening. I know it will never fully go away. While I know in my heart I followed her wishes, and ended her pain and suffering. We gave her a fighting chance, but she was just too weak and too ill to recover. I try to remind myself of this, but the irrational feeling of guilt comes in. It's a had feeling to fight. I feel like, well maybe a couple more days and she would have responded better. But really that would just be a couple more days of suffering for her, and she wouldn't deserve that. That choice will remain the hardest decision I will ever make. But in my heart, rationally and morally, I know I did the right thing.

I will not "punish" myself or hurt myself. My mom would deffinatly not want me to do that. I was just very emotional at the time of that posting.

[Chantellabella]

Thank you both for your replies. I apologize for being overly dramatic. The grief of her loss seems to be increasing instead of lessening. I know it will never fully go away. While I know in my heart I followed her wishes, and ended her pain and suffering. We gave her a fighting chance, but she was just too weak and too ill to recover. I try to remind myself of this, but the irrational feeling of guilt comes in. It's a had feeling to fight. I feel like, well maybe a couple more days and she would have responded better. But really that would just be a couple more days of suffering for her, and she wouldn't deserve that. That choice will remain the hardest decision I will ever make. But in my heart, rationally and morally, I know I did the right thing.

I will not "punish" myself or hurt myself. My mom would deffinatly not want me to do that. I was just very emotional at the time of that posting.

My dad had lung cancer. His oxygen was being cut off and we didn't know it until he suffered a heart attack. So his vegetative state was immediate. We didn't have time to say goodbye.

The doctors said he was there because the machines were keeping him alive. I don't know if he was aware of our voices. I hear that the sense of hearing is both the first and last for people, but I guess I'll know when my time comes.

The doctor said something that made the decision to shut off the machines easier. He said that we could keep him alive on machine support and maybe by some slim chance he would come back to us. His brain lost so much oxygen that he wouldn't be the same though.

But the main thing would be that even if he lived for a year or two more, the cancer would only be more and more painful for him. His life would be just pain. That's it. Pain and pain control techniques.

I didn't want my dad to exist with just pain. My brothers and mother couldn't make the decision. They looked to me to decide. I thought about him living in constant pain, being hooked to machines, possibly not even having the ability to speak or even open his eyes.

So I decided to let him rest. I would hope that somebody will love me enough to let me rest too.

Do I second guess myself sometimes? Yes. What if he got better. What if there was a cure found.

But I have no control over the what ifs. I only knew that at that moment, I could only give my father the gift of no pain.

Life's hard and it sucks big time sometimes. I don't have any answers about life or death because I don't know anything about it.

I just know that spending time on what ifs just prolongs pain, stops feelings, and keeps us stuck. So I keep moving, knowing that one day I'll know maybe a few things about this life. Maybe that will happen when I die too. I don't know.