I just had....the strangest deja vu all over again moment. Omfg.
I swear to god I just bumped into one of my exes. No, it gets worse. If it's her, which I'm 99% sure it is, she lives in my apartment complex.
I saw her. And she saw me. And we both froze. I lived with this woman when I was 18 years old. I lost my virginity to her.
No. No. No. Nooooooooooooooooo this isn't happening. Maybe she just looks like my ex??? Oh ffs please dear god don't let this be happening. No.
She looked at me like she knew me. No. No. No. No. No.
I'm in denial. This isn't happening. No. No. No. I don't even want to leave my apartment now.
Should've known this day would be bad when it started a bizarre dream about someone flushing themselves down the toilet. I either need to win the lottery or get a personality transplant.
This is so, so unbelievably shocking and sad....the Sante Fe high school shooting this morning, which resulted in at least ten fatalities, scared me to death. It's not that far from where my kids go to high school. These monster(s) could very well have gone to my kids' school. I really don't understand. I get that some of these alleged shooters in the past have been bullied. I don't get how that can lead someone to snap like this, and essentially become a serial killer. They've interviewed a lot of the students and parents this morning and it's truly f-ing heartbreaking, some of these kids are beyond traumatized. They understandably don't feel safe in their school anymore, many have said they're not going back, many have said they don't feel safe in their own community anymore. Wtf.
I'm not really sure what's bothering me. I just feel bothered all the time, like something is out of place. I told my therapist that, and they said it could be just anxiety. What also bothers me is not knowing things, I always feel like I have to know things or it makes me nervous.
I wish I didn't have truman show syndrome and wish my inner ears would stop itching.
Procrastination! So much to be done and I'm just sitting on my ass
Envoy? de mon iPhone en utilisant Tapatalk
It kinda feels like no one ever believes me on what I say. I try not to lie about anything and I catch people thinking im a liar a lot, its just so annoying and about petty things too, I feel like people are so untrustworthy and if they don't trust me they shouldn't even try to ask things.
I am trying not to feel bad cause I haven't got over certain things like terrible social anxiety and other things. I wish most people would understand that it will take me a while and I have tried ways to overcome but I am still the same somewhat for [BEEP] sake! I wish they would realize why I push most people away so they won't deal but whatever I am always wrong when it comes to dealing with people -___-
Last few days have been horrible. I mean, really fucking horrible. Bad enough that I've made plans to leave here as soon as I can.
I thought that I'd gotten stable, but the events of last Wednesday have just thrown all that out the window, and I feel anything but right now. I don't know what's going to happen now. This probably won't end when I leave. I wish it would.
And I just don't feel able to talk about this. Barely anything seems to understand quite what this is like. I guess... I guess all of here should feel like we're coping with this, like we're all unphased by what's happened. Heck, by what's still happening.
And hell, what is the point of talking? Why would. I want to wake up to passive aggression central and "look at how much I have it so much worse!"
I'M GONNA FIGHT 'EM ALL
A SEVEN NATION ARMY COULDN'T HOLD ME BACK.......
Well, that went....OK, I guess. As OK as I could ever expect it to go. The downside is, I expect the worst, and if it doesn't go just terrible then I'm OK with it. How fucking sad is that. Just "OK" is a good thing, a really awesome thing.
I had my kids last weekend, so I took them to pick out a card, and a gift card for my mom whose bday is today, since I knew we wouldn't see her today. We all signed the card, left it at their house when we all went back home last night. I called her today, wished her a happy bday of course.
It went OK. You have to understand I don't talk to my mom (my abuser) very much one-on-one, at all, ever. It hardly ever, ever happens.
I wished her a happy bday of course, and told her I loved her, twice. Got nothing back lmao. Wow, big surprise there. I think it's hard for her to say the words. Words she's not sure she means. My therapist told me she never, ever, ever should have had kids. Anyway, my dad was coaching her on what to say on the other end, after all was said and done. You know, I can only do so much. If I'm the child she hates then, well, I'm the child she hates. All I can do is my best to try to have something that resembles a shadow of a normal relationship with her. The rest is up to her, and I know what she's gonna bring.
C'est la vie.
I'm really kind of torn here.
I'm gonna be the fifth wheel, seriously, on an 8 day cruise not long from now. I'm going with two other couples. I had just given up on the whole idea of meeting anyone. I mean ffs I'm 48 yrs old, I don't drink, I don't party anymore, I've been divorced twice and I have three kids from a broken marriage. No woman, no woman, NO woman on the face of this earth is gonna be interested in me, let's be realistic....those facts alone would send any women running and screaming in the other direction. If you want to debate this I'd be happy to. PM me. Let's hook up.
I'm being sarcastic to make a point. But yeah, no one is gonna be interested just based on those facts alone.
There is a role call for this ship that I'm gonna be on. It's the largest cruise ship in the world, there are gonna be over six thousand people on board. There's an (informal of course) role call, and there are lots of singles. Some divorcees. There's a singles bar on board.
I'm debating whether to even put my profile up on the singles role call. I may just want to sit this out. Just stay in my cabin by myself, spend time with family. Go on my excursions. Is trying to hook up, or even just meet a nice young lady on a trip like this a waste of time?
Nope. Not a waste of time. I think youve been on a journey in the past few years. A long journey and dare i say, you are starting to heal?!
You are mending your heart.
This cruise is another step along your healing journey.
I know you will meet someone when you’re ready.
Thank you. I'm not sure you're right tho. I'm starting to "feel' this expectation among family and friends that I'm ready to move on.
I don't think I know how to, tbh, Jamie. I haven't really dated since hs. I was married for 18 years. I'd be so fucking, so, so lost lol. It's ok tho, I have my kids and they are my whole world, they really are. I don't know if i'm meant to find anyone else or not. And if I am meant to, but don't, well, I guess that's ok too lol. It's not really OK with me but it is what it is. I'm a pretty broken person. It's hard enough for healthy people to find a match, and well I am a very, very broken person.
I have issues. The upside I guess is that I admit that I have issues, a lot of people don't. But, yeah, the downside is I have issues. Wait? Wut? I have issues? Why am I on this site lol..........