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  1. #5866
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    Mood rise, then mood dip. I never learn, do I? Sigh...

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    I'M GONNA FIGHT 'EM ALL
    A SEVEN NATION ARMY COULDN'T HOLD ME BACK.......


  2. #5867
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    It's hard to counter the thoughts of complete and utter uselessness, the feeling that everything I do just isn't good enough. Or even remotely good. It almost seems to hard to try somedays, I just want to give up.

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    I'M GONNA FIGHT 'EM ALL
    A SEVEN NATION ARMY COULDN'T HOLD ME BACK.......


  3. #5868
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    My past keeps coming back to torment me

  4. #5869
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    my massive headache and rip stephen hawking

  5. #5870
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    I've been out of commission, fallen off the face of the earth for last 30 days or so. I'm going through 30 days worth of mail. I'm sure the post office worker is good and pissed off at me now, I have a month's worth of mail crammed into my box, with all the fury and determination he could muster up, cursing me the whole time, I'm sure. Cable and internet were cut off, had to restore that. Cell phone was cut off, had to restore that. My car started right away, I was kinda surprised at that. I prepaid my rent, but they forgot the utilities, so I had a bunch of notices taped to my door, in angry red marker, demanding payment. "For real this time, we're dead serious"! lol. Took care of that.

    I just want to feel normal, get back into a normal routine. Is good to be back at my place.
    You're going to lose people in your life, and realize that no matter how much time you spent with them or how often you told them you loved them, it will never seem like it was enough.

    Hug the ones you love.

  6. #5871
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    My new therapist (and my grief counselor) are trying to get me to be more sociable. Hehehe. Good luck with that, ladies. You're gonna need it. They want me to get more involved with my church, which, I have to admit is not a bad idea. I'll admit it's about the only way to get me to be around people more. But it's not gonna work. I'm isolating a lot lately, and that's not about to change anytime soon. Being around people = socializing, and just because it's at church doesn't change that lol.

    Except for that, they both say I've made a lot of progress lately. My grief counselor had a group therapy session today and she kept playfully punching me in the arm and going to me for answers on what we were discussing. And that's not like her, she's usually kind of a cold fish. I'll take the wins when I can get 'em.
    You're going to lose people in your life, and realize that no matter how much time you spent with them or how often you told them you loved them, it will never seem like it was enough.

    Hug the ones you love.

  7. #5872
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    My grief group was....really difficult to sit through today. Three different women in the group talked about (and relived, had flashbacks of) the rape and molestation and abuse they went through as children. I gave feedback to all three of them, as did most of the rest of the group. My message was mostly "it's not your fault", said in several different ways to try to get the message through to them, in a loving and caring and understanding and empathetic way. There were lots of tears today, shed by just about everyone. Their stories were very, very difficult to hear....just gut-wrenching....almost hard to believe that anyone could endure that kind of abuse and live to tell about it. And all these women are incredibly strong, resilient, loving, giving, just....powerful human beings, partly for having gone through what they did, and surviving it all.

    I was in awe of them, of their strength, and their determination, and courage today, to tell their stories. And I told them as much.

    Hugs were shared by all. And like I said, there were lots of tears. We actually ran out of Kleenex.

    At the end of the marathon session, our grief counselor said she had one last thing. She said, in front of everyone, that she hoped I would take the advice I gave today, and that I'd learn to love myself enough to believe I deserved to heal also.

    That was hard to hear. I didn't say anything back to her. We just ended the group in the usual way, and left. I think she's probably right, I probably need to. I just don't know how to lol.
    You're going to lose people in your life, and realize that no matter how much time you spent with them or how often you told them you loved them, it will never seem like it was enough.

    Hug the ones you love.

  8. #5873
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    Struggling with health anxiety and other life issues

  9. #5874
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    Hell of a lot of job anxiety. Feel useless really when it comes to thinking about the future.

    Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk
    I'M GONNA FIGHT 'EM ALL
    A SEVEN NATION ARMY COULDN'T HOLD ME BACK.......


  10. #5875
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    Social anxiety, a complete lack of self-confidence and absolutely no belief in myself all appear to be screwing me over a lot lately. And I just feel like an absolute massive failure.

    There. I even know what the problem is, I just don't see any way out of this rut.

    Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk
    I'M GONNA FIGHT 'EM ALL
    A SEVEN NATION ARMY COULDN'T HOLD ME BACK.......


  11. #5876
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    I ditched my last trauma, loss and grief class. I've decided I'm not going back. I have mixed feelings about doing that. It was group therapy, and I was pretty close to our therapist, the one that ran the group. I'm sure she's totally, completely pissed off at me for ditching. For one thing, when we leave, we're supposed to say goodbye to the group....it's a big, huge deal, a ceremony of sorts. And I just left and didn't come back.

    I've never been very good at goodbyes.

    Part of my reasoning was that the group had just run it's course for me. I talked about (relived, in a way) my girlfriend's suicide. I completely broke down, in front of everyone. Which, is not uncommon. Almost everyone in that group has a scary, dark place, the place that nightmares are made of. I saw some of the women in that group talk about being raped, molested. I saw some of my buddies in that group talk about losing friends, watching their best friends die, at their own hands, or from drug overdoses.

    I just don't think I can re-hash the suicide any more....even though my therapist wants me to. I just can't go through that, I can't relive it again. It was hard enough for me to be that vulnerable once in front of a huge group like that. I don't think I can do it again. In a way, I kind of have some regrets about making myself that vulnerable. There's a side of me that builds walls around myself, that doesn't let anyone in, it's a sick form of self-preservation. And there's a part of me that feels like....now that they've seen me that vulnerable, they see me in a different light now. Almost....weak, I guess.

    I know it doesn't make sense to anyone that doesn't come from where I do. It just is what it is lol. I let my walls down once, it feels like a mistake, and I don't think I can do it again. Besides, I really don't see the point anymore. *shrug*
    You're going to lose people in your life, and realize that no matter how much time you spent with them or how often you told them you loved them, it will never seem like it was enough.

    Hug the ones you love.

  12. #5877
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    The other day when a customer was praising me for being a great employee and my manager agreed stating I was a doll. For a split second I felt sorta looked down on, as if I were a child. That quickly was brushed to the side b/c it's not uncommon for me to hear and I didn't take it as anything bad...I took it more as "she's so sweet" old ladies at diners have called me doll before and given our age difference I didn't find it that odd. Hell I've even been called worse I've had customers call me "baby" while I grit my teeth. So it's not like I was particularly bothered. However two weeks later he comes up to me and is super apologetic about it....initially I thought I was in trouble that I did something wrong he was so serious and he sorta B-lined straight to me. He went on about how he didn't know what he was thinking, that it's been bothering him ever since, and that I was a grown woman and he didn't mean any offense, and if he ever says anything like that again that I should slap him. It's odd b/c up until that point I wasn't uncomfortable. It was only after the fact that I felt really uneasy and kinda sad.....I told him it was fine that I knew what he meant and he thanked me. But it sorta put a damper on my day. Because I clearly don't know what he meant and I just felt bad.

  13. #5878
    Skippy's Avatar Pickin' and Grinnin'!
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    I have some nights where I miss so many things of days gone by. This is on of them nights, so I feel rather sad and bothered.

  14. #5879
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    Watching all this stuff come into the news recently about CAMHS (Child Adolescent Mental Health Service) is making me angry. This has been going on for at least eight years now. Don't get wrong, I'm glad that it's finally coming out. I'm angry that it's taken this long.

    It's all very well that they spread the narrative of "ask for help, there's another option". Well, what the hell do you do when you ask for help, go in and tell them that you are literaly at your wits end, only to be told that there's absolutley nothing wrong, that all your problems are down to "Worries about the transition into adulthood", and that they'll deny any requests you make for help? And then when you later find out that there's nothing they can do because you're three month's off your eighteenth birthday, and you're just to much of a massive inconvinience for them to deal with because they'll have to put effort into moving you across to the adult system before you turn nineteen, which they really, really cannot be done with. Unless of course, it's an absolute crisis, and apparently, overdosing on your meds does not consitute a "crisis", so who knows what actually does based on there criteria.
    I'M GONNA FIGHT 'EM ALL
    A SEVEN NATION ARMY COULDN'T HOLD ME BACK.......


  15. #5880
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    I go through highs and lows...but my lows are never just sadness and my highs are never just happiness. I know when I'm not feeling right. I'm old enough to know when I'm feeling sicker. Yet I'll never get used to the lows. The disappointment....the pain in having the familiar constant heavy feeling in my chest. I've been getting panic attacks more often at work....to the point where I've had two breakdowns in the span of not even a week. I hold it together somewhat, but I need to walk away to compose myself from completely just losing it in public. Which is embarrassing, but hey if doing deep breathing while folding pants works. Whatever. However it's becoming too much, I've not been able to focus on important tasks b/c I've felt too flustered and as a result have neglected responsibilities.

    It's not even like I want to die, especially not that way having had some very close calls. It's just about not wanting to feel it anymore...not wanting to be me. While I'll know I have a family, and I'm young-ish, and still want to experience so much a voice in the back of my mind tells me I'll never amount to anything, never be good enough, and that I'm living on false hope and foolish daydreams. It all feels dark, bleak, and for nothing.

    I once lost it & drove nothing but straight for like an hour trying to distract myself from driving to a railroad and hopping on the tracks, or from pulling my steering wheel going 100mph. I got lost. Decided to go home, but before that broke down into tears in a empty parking lot. It sucked. And it feels like everyday....more of those familiar thoughts seep through and plant small seeds in my mind.

    I want to talk to someone but I'm scared...like I don't even know where to begin with what help I need, and I literally can't be hospitalized again.... that's one of my biggest fears.

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