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  1. #1
    stuck1nhead's Avatar
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    The mere utter of suicide

    So im going through an obsession of suicide, or a fear of suicide to be more precise. Basically I get severely depressed and anxious by hearing someone speak or write of suicide. My biggest fear is that I will attempt someday in my depressive state and be unable to come out of it in time. It has gotten to the point where I don't even know if these thoughts are merely intrusive of an over active mind or genuinely want to kill myself.

    I want to beleive I don't because I haven't attempted or have the severe urge to try. I have not even made plans or made attempts that were designed fail. Well, people have told me I haven't made plans. But guns also gins trigger these bouts of depression and obsession. I know from my time studying in college (criminal justice major) that a gun is the quickest and pain free way out.

    But dam, The only thing wrong in my life is I have no job yet and im not even in financial distress by any standard. I owe a lot of these thoughts, I beleive to my idleness and I was forced by external forces(mom) to quit my job, move, go to trade school, and look for a new job in a not so pleasant city (im agrophobic).

    But I have moved back to my medium sized town and too my dad & bros house. Where I had my old man lock up all the guns. But since he carries I see a gun everyday and I cannot ask him to not carry.

    I have eliminated most external stress excluding the search for a job.

    Also today I got back from my GP and he prescribed me 30mg of lexapro to take daily.

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  2. #2
    L's Avatar
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    Hey hun - wow it sounds like things are pretty scary at the moment. From what you are saying it sounds like you are afraid that your mood will drop low enough that you might use a gun or other method to end your life, I also gather that right now you don't feel like this? Correct me if I am wrong.

    Did you tell this to your doctor today? Have you shared it with any of your family or a friend? I would maybe suggest that you make yourself what I would call a first aid kit, but it is for your mental health. You go to it when you are feeling really low and/or scared of harming yourself. It could consist of things like
    *A list of phone numbers of people you could call or text, even if you don't talk about how you feel
    *A plan/list of what you could do - call a help line, come on here, contact your GP, present to the emergency department
    * Write a letter to yourself of how you do not want to end your life, maybe use a favorite poem or quotes
    * some foods you like, music, film, a blanket - list them or have at hand
    * write out the things you like to do - go for a walk, play video games, read

    I know you are waiting on seeing someone, maybe the above could help until you get to see them. It can be quiet on here but talk to us. I have been in a scary situation somewhat like this. If you do feel that you are losing control or become to scared you can present to your emergency department. I think you are being very brave talking about it and seeking help, well done for that
    life---> <---me

  3. #3
    UndercoverAngel's Avatar
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    Hi Pat.

    I am glad to hear that your dad locked up the guns. Being he carries, and you know he carries, try not to focus on or look at where he carries. Your dad sounds like he cares and loves you and is willing to help you, so if you notice that it is visible, asking him to just cover it up, is not asking him not to carry. You could also make your main time with him to have conversation, or just hang out, when he takes it off.

    I am very sorry that you are having these terrible thoughts. Everything you went through, till you got back to your dads house was a lot. But, I am glad to see that you are back in a more comfortable area, and are eliminating stress. Not an easy task, so congratulations to you. Keep up the good work. Very good luck to you in the job finding area. Don't give up, the right job is out there for you

    You should be proud of yourself for talking with your doctor, and seeking out help. That is not an easy thing to do. Even writing on these posts is not an easy thing to do, so again, keep up the good work.

    There is much hope for you, although at times like these it is hard for you to see. You are on the right track. I wish you all the best and stay strong, you can do this.

  4. #4
    stuck1nhead's Avatar
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    Quote L View Post
    Hey hun - wow it sounds like things are pretty scary at the moment. From what you are saying it sounds like you are afraid that your mood will drop low enough that you might use a gun or other method to end your life, I also gather that right now you don't feel like this? Correct me if I am wrong.

    Did you tell this to your doctor today? Have you shared it with any of your family or a friend? I would maybe suggest that you make yourself what I would call a first aid kit, but it is for your mental health. You go to it when you are feeling really low and/or scared of harming yourself. It could consist of things like
    *A list of phone numbers of people you could call or text, even if you don't talk about how you feel
    *A plan/list of what you could do - call a help line, come on here, contact your GP, present to the emergency department
    * Write a letter to yourself of how you do not want to end your life, maybe use a favorite poem or quotes
    * some foods you like, music, film, a blanket - list them or have at hand
    * write out the things you like to do - go for a walk, play video games, read

    I know you are waiting on seeing someone, maybe the above could help until you get to see them. It can be quiet on here but talk to us. I have been in a scary situation somewhat like this. If you do feel that you are losing control or become to scared you can present to your emergency department. I think you are being very brave talking about it and seeking help, well done for that
    My doc knows and genuinely has sympathy. He also knows that the mental help in this town are severely lacking in customer service. But he's a old school doc that owns his own practice. So he doesn't like too tread into areas he knows little about. But I like him, and unlike the other doc's in this area he will spend as much time as needed with a patient. He told me today that I have high blood pressure and when he took blood to check my liver the nurse commented on "my good veins" and I just told myself "I wonder why". But its nice to post my worries upon worries. Better then keeping it bottled up.

    Most of my close family knows about my mental state and understands that when im acting unlike my old self they should not leave me alone. Not because I'll attempt anything, but because I go deeper into my mind. Which at one point I thought isolation was a good thing so I could go so deep into my head I could find the cause and fix it. That was a terrible idea in hindsight.

    I do fear that I have now become afraid of being alone and fear that im relying so much on others. My logical self knows that I need to get out of the house, meditate, workout, eat right, and begin a new routine. But some part of me will not allow that. Lack of will and dedication has always been something I lacked in my entire life. May be adhd or bipolar as well. My brother use to take meds to help concentration through high school. Of course it may be that my attention is elsewhere.

    But, these depressive bouts come and gi throughout the day and they only last for a few minutes, but feel like hours. It just really feel like that their is a wall that I've thickening for 13 years because I went through this exact thing when I was ten. But wasn't able to comprehend my feelings as well as I do now. Wish I couldn't actually. Hell maybe I repressed this crap



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  5. #5
    TyeDyedButterfly's Avatar
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    How are you doing now I seen your post and read it and was wondering are you doing better and if so what helped you and if not what else can be done? Good Luck hope you are better!!!

  6. #6
    Ironman's Avatar
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    Quote stuck1nhead View Post
    My doc knows and genuinely has sympathy. He also knows that the mental help in this town are severely lacking in customer service. But he's a old school doc that owns his own practice. So he doesn't like too tread into areas he knows little about. But I like him, and unlike the other doc's in this area he will spend as much time as needed with a patient. He told me today that I have high blood pressure and when he took blood to check my liver the nurse commented on "my good veins" and I just told myself "I wonder why". But its nice to post my worries upon worries. Better then keeping it bottled up.

    Most of my close family knows about my mental state and understands that when im acting unlike my old self they should not leave me alone. Not because I'll attempt anything, but because I go deeper into my mind. Which at one point I thought isolation was a good thing so I could go so deep into my head I could find the cause and fix it. That was a terrible idea in hindsight.

    I do fear that I have now become afraid of being alone and fear that im relying so much on others. My logical self knows that I need to get out of the house, meditate, workout, eat right, and begin a new routine. But some part of me will not allow that. Lack of will and dedication has always been something I lacked in my entire life. May be adhd or bipolar as well. My brother use to take meds to help concentration through high school. Of course it may be that my attention is elsewhere.

    But, these depressive bouts come and gi throughout the day and they only last for a few minutes, but feel like hours. It just really feel like that their is a wall that I've thickening for 13 years because I went through this exact thing when I was ten. But wasn't able to comprehend my feelings as well as I do now. Wish I couldn't actually. Hell maybe I repressed this crap



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    Quote TyeDyedButterfly View Post
    How are you doing now I seen your post and read it and was wondering are you doing better and if so what helped you and if not what else can be done? Good Luck hope you are better!!!
    I am also interested - this was almost eight months ago. How are you doing with this?

  7. #7
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    Don't ever commit suicide, this is not solution at all. What happened if you are dead? Do you think you go heaven with God or you suffer your soul in hell?

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