# Struggles and Support > Frustration and Struggles >  >  I feel like a failure

## RayOfLight123

So I've been cutting on and off since I was about 14 and recently was in therapy for it and my depression. After the therapy I felt really good and didn't cut for about 4 or 5 months..even some of my scars started to fade which I was really happy about (they are on my legs)..I can honestly say I didnt really have a bad day for months until last night. I don't even know how it all started, it might be because this time of year (christmas/new years) I feel extremely lonely or maybe I was just due a bad day..well anyways I cut myself on my legs again  ::(:  and now I feel like a complete failure and like I've let my therapist down because we spent so long talking about everything..I don't know what to do, I don't want to completely relapse and have to go back on medication and therapy again but I'm terrified that I will...sigh sorry for moaning

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## Coffee

I'm sorry things are so rough right now. I just want to say that you aren't a failure and you definitely aren't 'moaning'. These are real, painful things that you're experiencing. I've struggled with self harm for about 8 years now. It's been a while since my last relapse and to be honest I'm not entirely sure how I did it. I think I just replaced the cutting with other behaviours and I 'urge surfed' a lot, which is basically just delaying the action. I know that when you feel like you want to cut, it's almost impossible not to act on it. But it's important to recognise that one can exist without the other. You don't need to act on it. 

I don't think that your therapist will feel let down. He/she knows how difficult this issue is for you, and I'm sure they've had clients in the past who also have slipped before. All they want from you is to try your hardest. It's ok to fall down every now and then, as long as you are willing to pick yourself up. The fact that you wrote this thread suggests that you are willing to pick yourself up and fight for yourself. That's awesome. I think it would be good to discuss these feelings with your therapist as well, because you need to be reassured that if you do relapse again, it's safe to talk about. Really, I promise you, he/she wont be angry. Maybe concerned or worried, but not disappointed in you. 

How bad was the cutting this time? Was it less intense than before or about the same? How long did you manage to delay it for and what other things did you try instead of cutting? 

I hope you feel better soon. I've been where you are before and I have no doubt that I'm going to be there again. I still have a lot of urges and they're probably going to be there for a while. It's just vital to keep an eye on it and identify any triggers so you can catch it early. I know you can do it.

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## RayOfLight123

It was about the same..Its like everything bad thats happened to me is suddenly in my head..then I get really paranoid and I feel worthless..I haven't felt like this for a while so it came as a shock and felt a lot worse..I delayed it for a bit..I bathed, read a book, listened to some music which is what I usually do..I have nobody who I can speak to this about...it got to the stage where I could not get the thought of cutting out of my head and I ended up giving in...Im going to leave it for a bit to see how I feel then if im still just as bad Im going to go to the doctors again

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## L

We all have set backs, learn from it, use it to learn about yourself and grow stronger. Think about your progress and why you and how that makes you feel. 

You are not a failure, your human.

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## Coffee

> It was about the same..Its like everything bad thats happened to me is suddenly in my head..then I get really paranoid and I feel worthless..I haven't felt like this for a while so it came as a shock and felt a lot worse..I delayed it for a bit..I bathed, read a book, listened to some music which is what I usually do..I have nobody who I can speak to this about...it got to the stage where I could not get the thought of cutting out of my head and I ended up giving in...Im going to leave it for a bit to see how I feel then if im still just as bad Im going to go to the doctors again



I know what you mean. It can be really difficult and strange when feelings you thought had gone away just come rushing back. I think it's great that you managed to delay it and you used your other coping mechanisms to help you along. You said you have no one to talk to about it, but you have us. You also have a lot of online resources (there's a thread somewhere around here with links for self-harm) which you can use next time. How are you feeling now?

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## Chantellabella

First off I want to tell you that you're not a failure, even though you may feel that way. That's the cycle that happens when you succumb to any urge that in your heart you think may not be the healthiest approach. Kind of like a reforming alcoholic who takes that drink in an impulse. It doesn't mean failure. It means you are aware of it now. And as crazy as it sounds, that's progress. Maybe look at the length of time you were able to go between episodes to see if you have gotten stronger. That's how I started beating self harm. 

I wanted to answer you right away, but I find I am still triggered by the thought of self harm..... not to do it, but I do get strong emotions from the thought. I did it  over a 20 year period. It had me trapped. I now have scars on my arms that I have to explain every time I give blood or are seen by a new doctor. Talk about living the consequences. But it's a good reminder that I have come a long way. I still feel bad that my kids knew when they got older, but we've talked and they understand that it was an unhealthy way to cope.

Coffee posted a great sticky post on ways to avoid self harm. I went the route she posted. I was able to calm myself down enough to say, "do this, not that" in times of crisis. But that took years of talking to a therapist as well as anyone who would listen. I found that when I began talking about it rather than doing in secret, I was able to understand some of my triggers. Not only my therapist, but people who never self harmed was able to ask me questions like "what's going through your head?" I found that they may not have been able to understand that particular urge, but they over ate, or shopped. In other words, they understood compulsion and so I got lots of ideas on how to distract from the urge. I think what helped the most was that by talking about it, the shame started to fade away. When I saw others struggle with compulsions during stress, depression or self recrimination, I realized that self harm is in the category of unhealthy - and most people have unhealthy ways to cope under duress. When the shame started fading, I was able to break the cycle of punishing myself again. Shame was a big trigger for me. When I stopped going round and round, creating my own need to cut, I was able to divert to healthier ways to cope during stress, depression, and what I called, "the negative self talk moments."

My hope for you is that you will find others to talk with. My pm box is open also. Read Coffee's sticky on self harm to get ideas on alternative coping. And actually fill out the contract. I've filled those out in therapy and while hospitalized. The purpose of the contract is to make the commitment more a reality. That's why people don't buy houses by just saying "here, you can have it" and "ok, thanks, now I own it." They sign 400 pieces of paper to make it binding. It just seems to stick better and to serve as a more binding reminder.

Hang in there,

Cindy

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## Alexis1213

You need a hug!

-sigh- I have a hair plucking disorder and I pluck the hair on my legs so I have a bunch of scars... It's kind of like the same thing in a way... it's just... addictive and helps me release stress.

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## NoromyxO

> So I've been cutting on and off since I was about 14 and recently was in therapy for it and my depression. After the therapy I felt really good and didn't cut for about 4 or 5 months..even some of my scars started to fade which I was really happy about (they are on my legs)..I can honestly say I didnt really have a bad day for months until last night. I don't even know how it all started, it might be because this time of year (christmas/new years) I feel extremely lonely or maybe I was just due a bad day..well anyways I cut myself on my legs again  and now I feel like a complete failure and like I've let my therapist down because we spent so long talking about everything..I don't know what to do, I don't want to completely relapse and have to go back on medication and therapy again but I'm terrified that I will...sigh sorry for moaning



Don't ever call yourself or even feel like a failure. It's actually very common, people who are on a good recovery will crash down at times. And not because they are failures, it can be down to motivation, and the way you feel, going through stressful times and sometimes it is unexplainable. Im sure your therapist isn't expecting you to be fully recovered. And things just don't disappear. 
The good thing is that at least you are aware of this, because you will learn from it and become stronger then ever before.

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## rapidfox1

I'm sorry. Just don't cut yourself. I know, life can be tough. Just try to read and listen to music. You're not a failure. We human beings are flawed. 

Look at me. It's winter and I still don't have a locker because I'm too shy and embarrassed to ask for one. I may tspend my winter without my coat so I'm going to be cold.

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## RayOfLight123

> I know what you mean. It can be really difficult and strange when feelings you thought had gone away just come rushing back. I think it's great that you managed to delay it and you used your other coping mechanisms to help you along. You said you have no one to talk to about it, but you have us. You also have a lot of online resources (there's a thread somewhere around here with links for self-harm) which you can use next time. How are you feeling now?



Hi Im feeling good now, the cuts are healing fine so hopefully no scars..Im going to read the thread about avoiding self harm..Im just terrified of feeling down again..thankyou for the support guys  ::):

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## WintersTale

You are not a failure. We all fall, and we pick ourselves up again. That is part of being human. 

Do you have a therapist? Can you talk to him/her about this?

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## Coffee

> Hi Im feeling good now, the cuts are healing fine so hopefully no scars..Im going to read the thread about avoiding self harm..Im just terrified of feeling down again..thankyou for the support guys



Good to hear things are better and please don't beat yourself up about this. As winterstale said, everyone falls down sometimes and you're showing remarkable strength in picking yourself up. I know that you feel terrified but I have absolute faith that if these feelings arise again, you will be able to cope even better than you did this time. Give yourself a break and take care of yourself  ::):

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