# Anxiety Disorders > Hypochondria (Health Anxiety) >  >  Always fearing the worst

## Tanya

Hello everyone, my name is Tanya and I am new here. I have suffered from health anxiety for many many years. It all started when I about 19 or 20 years old
 I started having weird things going on with my heart. I was later diagnosed with 3 different heart arrhythmias but the road to get that diagnosis was very long because no one would listen to me, the drs kept telling me I just had anxiety. Unfortunately it wasn't just anxiety but anxiety and panic attacks were born in me when I lost faith in them.

After I was diagnosed and accepted things with my heart I moved on to other things. Everytime I had a pain, a weird feeling, a headache, I would google my symptoms and whatever horrible illness matched I convinced myself I had. I would run back and forth to the ER and to the Drs office demanding every test known. Once something was ruled out, a week sometimes even just a few days later I was suffering from something else. This went on for a very long time and one day I realized everything was in my head and I needed to figure out how to deal with it. I did and I have been. I got real good at pushing things out of my mind, ignoring it and that is how I made it through.

There is one fear that takes a lot of ignoring. It is always in the back of my mind. Cancer.... because I have had sooooo many x rays and cat scans I worry about cancer. It really bothers me because my brain tells me that I ruined my body even though for the most part I was perfectly healthy. I beat myself up over it. My brain says one day your gonna get it and its your own fault because you pushed for all those tests. Plus I smoked up until 5 months ago and barley eat let alone eating healthy things. 

All this brings me to what I have going on. I have to get it out because I am so worried that I am making myself sick. 
About a lil over 2 months ago I noticed I was starting to get really SOB. Making the bed, picking up my 2 year old, sweeping the floor, walking to the mail box etc. It worried me cause its not something normal for me so I called the DRS office to make an appt. I was told my insurance changed my primary to a different practice. I called them up, got the info I needed and called the new DR for an appt. Unfortunately they had no new patient spots open until May 1st and they don't have a cancel list. I booked the appointment and have just been trying my best to ignore the being SOB best I can till I can see the DR. I was doing a good job until a few weeks ago. I was taking a shower and when I was washing I noticed a lump under my left breast kind of on my rib or right under it. I went into panic mode but I told myself I would wait for my DR appt. I waited as long as I could. Last night after my shower when I was drying off and had to go over the area it seemed like it was moving... I freaked out and went to the ER. I literally cried the whole way there, told my husband I was gonna die, leave my kids behind and its all my own fault. So I get to the ER and it ended up being in and out. Not even 30 mins from start to finish. The DR came in, asked me what was going on and felt the area. She told me she could feel something there but that it was a lipoma not life threatening and to follow up with my primary. I told the nurse I was relieved to hear that but that I only noticed it a few weeks ago, I shower everyday so I am sure I would have felt it before. She says they grow really slow, gave me my papers and wished me a goodnight. I felt relived for all of 15 mins. 

My paper work says a lipoma is a benign tumor made of fat on the skin. The places on the body it lists where you would find them is not where mine is or even close. Mine is not skin its in my body. I refuse to google it and I am trying to keep it out of my mind but I am having a very hard time. I feel dread, my brain keeps telling me I have cancer and that im gonna die. I dont know if this thing is getting bigger because I try my best to ignore it but I can feel it there even if im not touching it. It feels like something is there in that area that shouldn't be there, its uncomfortable. I can feel it there even when im just sitting down. I am literally going out of my mind with worry. Whatever it is, its very close to my heart. I know im not imagining it. It feels weird when I sit, when I walk, when I law down etc. I am scared out of my mind  and I feel like I am going to loose my mind. I am losing the little bit of control that I earned. I wish I could trust the DRS.

Thank you for allowing me to share and taking the time to read my post and im sorry that it so long  ::):

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## Jae

This HA thing is miserable isn't it? 
I am sorry you're suffering so bad. 
In regard to the lump, I had the exact same thing in the exact same area. 
Found it long, long ago. After freaking out over it my dr removed it. 
She was right.. it was a lipoma. 
I am certain yours is too. :-)

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