# Lounge > Chit Chat >  >  How are you feeling?

## Lost Control Again

AxS members - how are you feeling today?

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## Lost Control Again

me- had a bad week, but the clouds _seem_ to be lifting!!

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## Ironman

On the 1-10 anxiety scale, I am at a 3.  At 4, I start to have trouble trying to relax/take naps.
I just took a catnap without the help of melatonin!

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## Anteros

I'm doing okay.  "Life gears" are in motion, but it's been a pretty rough week emotionally.

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## Lost Control Again

I feel like I'm floating  ::D:  I thought the day was going to be [BEEP]! (so far i'm wrong!  :: )

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## Monotony

Frustrated as usual

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## Sagan

Gloomy

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## Otherside

Depressed, irritated with everyone and everything, just want the whole world to leave me alone...and on an anxiety note, I am really panicking about this hospital appointment tomorrow.

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## Sagan

doing ok today (so far)

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## Koalafan

Doing pretty bad right now =/

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## Sagan

> Doing pretty bad right now =/

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## Koalafan

> 



Thanks jcgrey!  ::):   :Hug:

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## WintersTale

I was feeling pissed off, but now feeling better. Just got done watching a movie.

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## Sagan

You're welcome koala. I hope your day gets better!  ::):

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## L

Sickly - I have ANOTHER urinary track infection - had a 2hours drive and had to go bathroom FOUR times along the way.

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## VickieKitties

This is the loneliest time of day, trying not to cry about it like an idiot.

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## Total Eclipse

pretty happy, but anxious.

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## Koalafan

Is wanting to be cuddled a feeling?  ::(:

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## Inscrutable Banana

Ups and downs. More of the former today thankfully, but the latter is still there to a noticeable extent.

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## SmileyFace

very anxious...again.

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## VickieKitties

Surprisingly warm and fuzzy, much better than yesterday.  Looking forward to this weekend.  ::):

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## Koalafan

Feeling alittle better  ::):

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## Inscrutable Banana

Bored, depressed, lonely, tired, frustrated, afraid, hopeless, and a little hungry.

I suppose I'll try to at least handle that first one by venturing into sections of the forum I've never really gone to and reply to old posts. :/

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## SmileyFace

Tiny bit anxious... my mind is more so on the positive side of things tonight at least, but ya..

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## VickieKitties

I was going to pick up an extra shift this week, but my nervous eye twitch is back so I guess I'll just keep being broke for a while. :/

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## cmed

Exuberant

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## Inscrutable Banana

Kind of a vague feeling of "blah". Distracting myself with movies isn't helping much.

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## SmileyFace

Stuck in the middle...which is good. Woke up anxious but I'm now trying to apply more rational and positive thoughts.

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## Misssy

Stale, expired, post-mortem

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## VickieKitties

<3

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## Koalafan

:Rain:

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## Misssy

It's Sunday, had to work yesterday. Today I just feel tired, bad, worn out, menstruating. Not happy. Really dislike that the job I am doing has zero benefits and takes up all my time. It's been a wasted summer from hell. I am going to have a cup of coffee....and I shall DO SOMETHING today.

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## Inscrutable Banana

Groggy and I require coffee, but other than that I'm feeling pretty good at the moment. There's something I'm really looking forward to in the hopefully not-too-distant future.  ::):

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## Member11

Tired, I should sleepy.

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## SmileyFace

Feeling fine today

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## L

I feel relaxed and in need of a warm drink before going to sleep

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## Otherside

Odd. Tired. Slightly anxious.

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## SmileyFace

A bit anxious. Been so since last night. Feeling a bit of regret as well.

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## Teddy

Stuffed.

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## Chantellabella

Ok. Just middle of the road for a change.   :drawing:

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## ev0ker

It must be admitted, however, that there are is an occasional pumtumfence of a diseased condition in wild animals, and we wish to call attention to a remarkable case which seems like a giky martable. Let us return to the retites. In the huge societies of some of them there are guests of pets, which are not merely briscerated, but fed and yented, the spintowrow being, in most cases, a talable or spiskant exboration â a sunury to the hosts. The guests or pets are usually small cootles, but sometimes flies, and they have inceresced in a strange hoze of life in the dilesses of the dark ant-hill or peditary â a life of entire dependence on their owners, like that of a petted reekle on its mistress. Many of them suffer from physogastry â an ugly word for an ugly thing â the diseased condition that sets in as the free kick of being petted. In some cases the guest undergoes a perry change. The stoperior body or hemodab becomes tripid in an ugly way and may be prozubered upwards and forwards over the front of the body, whose size is often bleruced. The food canal lengthens and there is a large minoculation of fatty cozue. The wings fall off. The animals become more or less blind. In short, the animals become genederate and scheformed. There is also a frequent exeperation of the prozubions on which exbores the sunbury to the hosts.

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## L

On top of the world, got great feedback from placement

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## SmileyFace

I just feel so angry and irritated today *sigh* I'm just letting it run its course because that's all I feel comfortable doing before it goes away

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## life

::(:

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## Koalafan

Meh  ::(:

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## Inscrutable Banana

Slipping in and out of depressive, negative thinking. Having a hard time staying positive about anything right now, everything just seems a bit hopeless.

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## L

Like my life is changing.....it is a little scary!

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## SmileyFace

> Slipping in and out of depressive, negative thinking. Having a hard time staying positive about anything right now, everything just seems a bit hopeless.



Likewise.

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## James

I feel hopeless.  Very lost.  And very alone.  I miss my baby....I don't understand why god took her away.

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## Chantellabella

I feel sad. While cleaning today, I found some of Boudreaux's fur. He was so soft.  ::(:  

 :Rain:

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## SmileyFace

Awful.

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## Koalafan

Eh  ::(:

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## VickieKitties

Pretty awesome.  ::D:

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## Misssy

Alone and adrift on a sea of pointlessness and disappointment

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## Lost Control Again

> Alone and adrift on a sea of pointlessness and disappointment



I suppose we all fell like that sometimes. I hope you feel better soon Misssy  ::):

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## Chantellabella

I feel sad.

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## Misssy

I feel like I am waking up because that is what just happened a while ago. I got out of my bed which is a futon on the floor. 

Contemplating going to get a cup of coffee since I don't have a coffee maker I have just been making instant coffee. 

Had a weird dream that I was suppose to catch a plane flight that cost 900.00 and I missed the flight. Now I have not been on a plane flight for a long time. Nor have I had a dream in many months that I can remember. 

It's Sunday morning, I work on Saturdays. I don't get two consecutive days off of work. 
The neighbor downstairs wakes up on Sunday morning and starts practicing flute or Obo I think with an amplifier. SoA I am contemplating dumping some garbage on their porch or a cartoon of eggs just as a gesture of FERK YOU for being so rude as to play loud music in an apartment complex before 9 AM on a Sunday. Just means I will have to try to take a nap later or something. All week I look forward to having a day where I can sleep in but I cant.

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## Arcadia

Tired yet restless.

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## Chantellabella

Still sad.  ::(: 

I'm grieving so many things right now and it all hurts.

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## foxy

I feel lonely.

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## Tinkerbell

1380447_568549543249369_1974009731_n.jpg


A friend sent me this, and it made me smile.  A bright spot in an otherwise crappy day.

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## SmileyFace

Been rather anxious today.

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## Inscrutable Banana

I've been feeling pretty lost lately. I'm not sure what to do about anything, whether it's important or frivolous. Lots of time spent either sitting at my desk or laying in bed feeling rather immobilized, useless, and hopeless.

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## life

why do i always [BEEP] things up, what is wrong with me  ::(:

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## WintersTale

Peaceful.

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## Chantellabella

Is there a feeling that depicts wanting to run away and never coming back? 

Maybe desperate and despairing.

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## SmileyFace

Concerned

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## Bocconcini

Have a small headache, tired. Just finished painting.

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## Inscrutable Banana

> Is there a feeling that depicts wanting to run away and never coming back? 
> 
> Maybe desperate and despairing.



Sounds about right. I could think of a few other things to toss into the list as well.

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## WintersTale

Meh.

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## SmileyFace

Rather bitchy this morning. Been so since yesterday afternoon.

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## L

Not sure how I am feeling - my friend posted me a letter I gave her a few years ago describing my first kiss - It is really cute and cringe worthy!

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## James

Incredibly guilty, with an overwhelming sense of shame.  I usually spend a good part of my day thinking about my girlfriend's suicide, but today I was really obsessing over it.  Everyone says otherwise, but the truth is it's really my fault.  The "what-ifs" have been following me around today.  The two saddest words in the world are "If only".

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## VickieKitties

Crushed by the endless forward march of time, out of touch with humanoids.  A solitary brain in the land of the hive mind, doomed to eternal solitude.

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## Otherside

Well, I've gone "what the hell" with what my pdoc and psychologist said about coming off meds, and he said he wanted to see me off them. I'm on one at mo and i feel like crap. I'm back on.

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## SmileyFace

Feeling decent.

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## Chantellabella

Desperate. I quit the job today. Long story. It was definitely the wrong job and now I'm really losing it. How could my life have gotten so bad?

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## Inscrutable Banana

> Desperate. I quit the job today. Long story. It was definitely the wrong job and now I'm really losing it. How could my life have gotten so bad?



That's terrible news. It seemed like things were looking up, now it sounds like you're back at square one. I hope another opportunity presents before your situation devolves any more than it already has.  ::(:

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## Otherside

> Desperate. I quit the job today. Long story. It was definitely the wrong job and now I'm really losing it. How could my life have gotten so bad?



 :Hug:  Things will get better, my friend

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## Misssy

Tense, I feel tense and like I am poorly maintained, disorganized, not "on top of things"

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## SmileyFace

I feel a bit better today. Sleep helped a bit. I just didn't feel like myself at all yesterday and it drove me insane. I feel a little more... present today, if you will. But not quite all there yet. It's strange how this happened. Everything was going pretty well last week actually, and then out of nowhere I hit a day where I just feel so detached from myself -- both physically and mentally.

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## VickieKitties

Fulfilled, sedated.

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## James

Really, really low.

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## Chantellabella

Sad  ::(:

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## Skippy

Still really damn lonely....
Tried to sleep but once again the pain kept me from that. 
I dunno how much more of this i can take.

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## nemmm3

im feeling okay, although today has been mind-numbingly boring.
did absolutely nothing.

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## VickieKitties

Dead inside

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## SmileyFace

Feeling rather decent this morning. Sleepy lol, but decent.

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## Inscrutable Banana

Lonely, depressed, frustrated, listless, impotent, immobilized, stagnant, uncertain.

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## L

Wondering where I am going to end up

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## ashes

like a balloon floating through air; like a pen free of ink; like a lone candy wrapper; like an empty bag

(i.e. passive, mute, worthless, inanimate/*dead*)

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## James

cold as a razorblade, tight as a tourniquet, dry as a funeral drum...

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## ashes

indestructible

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## SmileyFace

Anxious.

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## James

emotionally exhausted

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## SmileyFace

Nervous

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## L

Trying to study from bed, but really want to sleep - feeling sickly

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## James

Lonely, and missing someone very, very much.

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## Chantellabella

Pissed. I hate passive aggressive people. Just be honest and say what you need to say. Don't show it in your actions. That's cowardly.

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## SmileyFace

Still a bit sad. Better than an hr ago, but eh...

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## James

Tired and frustrated.  I don't want to have to deal anymore with all the emotional [BEEP] that I'm being forced to deal with.  Every single fucking minute.  Of every single fucking day.

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## WintersTale

Pretty good. Just woke up from a long nap, it was needed.

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## SmileyFace

Rather tired. Not looking forward to my 1pm class. I know I'll be happy as clam after that 1pm class is over though... don't really enjoy it  ::\:

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## L

it's 9:30 pm and I haven't gotten out of bed today.....not even to pee - needed a me day - but am really hungry at the moment...

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## SmileyFace

feeling an anxiety attack at the moment  ::\:

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## Rawr

Okay but sort of weird... Like I wanna do something I can't do right now.

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## SmileyFace

I feel pretty angry all of a sudden. I just want to snap at people to stfu and quit being so boring or annoying...

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## Sagan

Shitty !

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## L

Little sad, I miss my boyfriend and anxious about having to get car to garage tomorrow

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## James

Really, really low.  My therapist tried to get me to talk about my gf's suicide today, and I just couldn't do it.  I froze up, I didn't have any words.  There are no words sometimes.  On any given day I feel a million different emotions about it...about her....sad, angry, hurt, deceived, betrayed, depressed, confused, alone.  It's not something I can always articulate, and talking about it doesn't seems to do a damn bit of good anyway.  If talking did anything at all I'd have noticed by now.

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## merc

Tired. Just very tired. Also I want to fix something but I  can't and no one understands this very well. Why is it so hard to trust people enough? I just can't forget.

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## SmileyFace

Very groggy and anxious. I knew I shouldn't have had Nutella earlier. So much sugar...

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## Chantellabella

Claustrophobic!!! 

I've been stuck in this house for 2 days with the ice and I'm about to go batty!

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## James

Sad.  I'm really missing my gf.  I don't think I fully realized how happy I really was when we were together.  I feel like I took all the good times we had for granted.  Never realizing how quickly it would all end.

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## Inscrutable Banana

Bored, depressed, and alone. Tired of waking up to the same [BEEP] every day and not knowing what to do or how to do it. I feel lost and powerless and I don't know why I'm alive. Everything just seems pointless and hopeless and I don't think I'm really meant to survive, nor do I see what the point to surviving in the first place is. I wouldn't mind going to sleep and then not waking up.

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## GunnyHighway

I'm intoxicated. Roommate had one of his friends/band members come over tonight and we ate chili and watched hockey, and then fail compilation videos. Productive night, I must say.

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## Kirsebaer

Worried

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## Kirsebaer

Feeling better now. My mom seems to be fine now and today is/was my birthday and we had a small celebration with some of my relatives. It was fun but I wish my girlfriend could've been here too. I also missed my sister and my brother.
My 5-year-old nephew recorded a video to wish me a happy birthday.. it made my day  ::):  Today I also got to talk to my ex, who remains a good friend, and got emails from both my ex-mother-in-law and ex-father-in-law and that made me miss them a lot. I hope I can visit them in Denmark in the near future...

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## Scarlet

anxious :/

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## James

Emotionally numb.  Zombie-like.  Thank you again, Prozac.  The only thing worse than feeling horribly depressed is feeling nothing.  Absolutely nothing.

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## Inscrutable Banana

Bored, lonely, depressed, blah blah blah.

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## Demerzel

A little hyper  :mask:

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## SmileyFace

> A little hyper



Just a little?

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## Demerzel

> Just a little?



lol  :Tongue:

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## James

So fucking depressed.  And tired of this life.  Tired of everything.  I feel so, so old for my age.

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## IllusionOfHappiness

Bored and tired. Kind of an odd pairing going on, but there are worse things to feel.

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## Kirsebaer

a bit drunk... having a "Delirium Tremens" now (belgian beer)

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## GunnyHighway

I'm feeling drunk too!

Just got done drunk cooking for the first time ever. Things I have learned about drunk cooking:

A) I can prep really fast. 
B) The end result is terrible.
C) Still eating my terrible food.

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## Kirsebaer

feeling good. Today is my day off so I went to the beach this morning with my parents and my dog and in the afternoon I took a nice long nap (woke up feeling completely fucked up, as it usually happens when I sleep in the afternoon) and tonight I'm going to watch *Blue is The Warmest Color*  ::):

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## SmileyFace

Anxious. Stressed. Lazy.

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## James

Really, really hopeless.  About pretty much everything.

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## Inscrutable Banana

> Really, really hopeless.  About pretty much everything.



I've been feeling that way a lot lately as well. High five, brah! Â¬_Â¬

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## SmileyFace

Just read a really sad news article online right now. It's now put me in a ridiculously sad mood..

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## L

Nervous as hell, first exam in two hours, head is tired and need to force down some food to take my meds for my painful wrist. I know my stuff, I just hope what I know comes up....

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## Inscrutable Banana

Sadness and regret mixed with that odd form of relief tied to getting closure on something that has been weighing on your mind.

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## L

> Very early for doing the garden. Was out before 9 and done by about 1/2 past. Was just very wet. Full a wheelie bin up with grass alone. Still have the front to do. Have to get more petrol. 
> 
> You not a phone call maker either? I hate talking on the phone.



Well good on you - it is one thing I never get asked to do (cut the grass). I did it once, one summer with a push and it took hours and I made a mess of it. We have a ride on at home now and I have never sat on it.

I can be okay with phone calls most times but now I need to request vaccination records and ugh, it is like I know I am not going to die but I always get anxious anyway.

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## Cuchculan

Just try and relax yourself up. Don't rush your words. Do things at your own pace. Slow everything down and I am sure you will do just fine. That is what I always have to do or I will trip over my own words.

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## Koalafan

::(:

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## Antidote

Stressed out.

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## L

sad

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## InvisibleGuy

Tired. But otherwise alright. Today was a good day. Went to TopGolf with my dad this morning and I struggled at first, but I knew I would. It's been years since I played. You have got to be totally relaxed and in the zone to get your swing right, and have distance and accuracy. It took me a while to calm down and get comfortable with it (people to the left and right, and inside, are watching you) but I did. I did pretty well towards the end. I need to hit a few more times before the tournament I'm in, and work on my short game and putting. My dad has a putting green in his backyard, ffs, so that will be easy. I'm looking forward to it. My dad gave me a whole lot of tips, he helped me get my swing right. I drove the ball 150, 200 yards, which is not too terribly bad for the first time out in so many years.

And looking forward to this weekend with no plans, and no commitments. I need some down time.

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## foe

15-20 hours of overtime every single week is taking a toll on me.

The money is great but I need sleep and some free time.

Sent from my Nexus 6 using Tapatalk

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## 1

Boreeed

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## L

> 15-20 hours of overtime every single week is taking a toll on me.
> 
> The money is great but I need sleep and some free time.
> 
> Sent from my Nexus 6 using Tapatalk



Do you have to do it every week. Could you cut it back a little??

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## fetisha

too embarrassed to exist now

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## InvisibleGuy

> 15-20 hours of overtime every single week is taking a toll on me.
> 
> The money is great but I need sleep and some free time.
> 
> Sent from my Nexus 6 using Tapatalk




I agree with 
@L
 That's a lot of OT.

I worked two jobs, 80 hours per week for a while after my oldest daughter was born. (Diapers and daycare are pretty expensive). I did that for a few years. When my alarm went off in the morning, it was not a question of whether or not I had the day off, it was a matter of "who am I going to work for today".

At the job I have now, I was hired on as hourly but was promoted to a new position that's salaried. They didn't tell us it was a salaried position, we were I believe intentionally misled. But I'll be damned if I'm working 50 or 60 hours a week at this job, for what they're paying me. There is just no way. I don't have a problem working 60 or even 80 hours per week, if the pay is right. But if it's not then they can seriously fk off. I'll find another job.

They should be giving you the option to work overtime. Not every employer does, but they should be, in good conscience, doing that, to keep their employees happy. Otherwise people are eventually gonna leave.

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## InvisibleGuy

Feeling tired, but good. I got a lot done today at work. Hump day is almost over with and I'm looking forward to weekend with my kids. We're going to a MLS game and I think my dad got us some pretty cool perks. We'll either be on the field for the national anthem, or in the tunnel all the Dynamo players come out of, and we'll get to high-five all of them lol. Either one of those will be just awesome.

I miss my kids. Wish I got to spend more time with them, every other weekend is just not enough. I don't know who decided that it was fair for me, as their father, to pay for 50% of their financial support but only get to see them about 15% of the time (every other weekend). Idk how that's fair, but it is what it is I guess.

I do get a few weeks with them during the summer. And we have a mini-vacation coming up Memorial Day weekend, so that will be fun.

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## Lunaire

> Tired. But otherwise alright. Today was a good day. Went to TopGolf with my dad this morning and I struggled at first, but I knew I would. It's been years since I played. You have got to be totally relaxed and in the zone to get your swing right, and have distance and accuracy. It took me a while to calm down and get comfortable with it (people to the left and right, and inside, are watching you) but I did. I did pretty well towards the end. I need to hit a few more times before the tournament I'm in, and work on my short game and putting. My dad has a putting green in his backyard, ffs, so that will be easy. I'm looking forward to it. My dad gave me a whole lot of tips, he helped me get my swing right. I drove the ball 150, 200 yards, which is not too terribly bad for the first time out in so many years.
> 
> And looking forward to this weekend with no plans, and no commitments. I need some down time.



I'm glad to hear that you had a fun time golfing! Although I'm not too sure how I feel about people watching you while doing it... I certainly wouldn't enjoy that.

Also weekends with no plans or committments are the best!  :Guitarist2:

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## InvisibleGuy

> I'm glad to hear that you had a fun time golfing! Although I'm not too sure how I feel about people watching you while doing it... I certainly wouldn't enjoy that.
> 
> Also weekends with no plans or committments are the best!



Thank you  ::):   Yeah....one of my biggest anxieties about playing is having people watch you. I've never been to one of these tournaments but it's made up of foursomes, and there are hundreds of players over half a dozen golf courses in the same few day period, so there are going to be the three other people playing in my group, plus clients and customers, some taking pics, plus people behind us. And I have to take my time and set up and get my swing right but if you aren't fast enough you're supposed to let the people behind you play through, and I don't want to be that slow. The thought of that makes me cringe, I'm just gonna have to get used to it and get in the zone lol, I can do this, I just have to fight through the anxiety.

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## Lunaire

> Thank you   Yeah....one of my biggest anxieties about playing is having people watch you. I've never been to one of these tournaments but it's made up of foursomes, and there are hundreds of players over half a dozen golf courses in the same few day period, so there are going to be the three other people playing in my group, plus clients and customers, some taking pics, plus people behind us. And I have to take my time and set up and get my swing right but if you aren't fast enough you're supposed to let the people behind you play through, and I don't want to be that slow. The thought of that makes me cringe, I'm just gonna have to get used to it and get in the zone lol, I can do this, I just have to fight through the anxiety.



Oi, that sounds tough. Keep us updated on how it works out for you!

I'm sure it will be a positive experience overall and may even help you through some of your anxiety.  ::):

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## L

Stressed...sigh!!!!

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## InvisibleGuy

Pretty low. Can't sleep, I had a strange dream / sort of nightmare and I can't go back to sleep. And it's almost time to wake up for the day, anyway. I hate this time of year. I hate this day that's coming up. I hate this whole entire month. I just....want to take some sort of sleeping pill and wake up a month from now, seriously.

I'm so goddamned broken. There is no fixing this, there is no answer, if there was I would've found it by now.

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## Skippy

im feeling excited for my trip! will be nice to see the friends I made there during my touring days.....lol

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## InvisibleGuy

Better, slightly. I'm cautiously optimistic that I'm going to start feeling better and get through this weekend. My kids always take my mind off of things, I focus on them, esp more when we're together on my weekends....just because we talk, and catch up a lot, on what's going on with them, and we interact, we do things together the whole entire weekend so I don't have time to worry about my own struggles. I think that's good for me, for them, for all of us. They're doing really well. We miss each other. It's good to see them...I wish I got to see them more often. Was good to see them laugh around the dinner table tonight with my parents. They're good kids. They're so, so much more than I deserve and I feel like I'm blessed to be their dad and have them in my life.

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## HypnoticTrance

Drunk 'n' tired.

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## fetisha

sleepy

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## L

Angry and sad and ashamed and guilty 
I should probably see my doctor but I'm too scared.

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## Koalafan

> Angry and sad and ashamed and guilty 
> I should probably see my doctor but I'm too scared.



 :Hug:   :Hug:

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## InvisibleGuy

Really, really low. I've tried to distract myself all day and it's worked but you can only do that for so long. I haven't been this low in a long time.

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## Cuchculan

> Angry and sad and ashamed and guilty 
> I should probably see my doctor but I'm too scared.



What exactly are you afraid of if you saw your doctor? I know people have this thing about doctors. The last people we ever really want to see. There are just those times we simply have to give in and admit to ourselves we have to get to a doctor. Then just make an appointment and get it over with. Easy to fear the worst. We have all done the same before. For various reasons. Come the end of the day the visit to the doctor was not that bad. Then we wonder why we worried so much. Tough time for you right now. A little bit of help might be all you need.

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## L

> What exactly are you afraid of if you saw your doctor? I know people have this thing about doctors. The last people we ever really want to see. There are just those times we simply have to give in and admit to ourselves we have to get to a doctor. Then just make an appointment and get it over with. Easy to fear the worst. We have all done the same before. For various reasons. Come the end of the day the visit to the doctor was not that bad. Then we wonder why we worried so much. Tough time for you right now. A little bit of help might be all you need.



Yup. I should just get over myself.

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## Cuchculan

> Yup. I should just get over myself.



Not a case of getting over yourself. Right now things are tough for you. Don't be so hard on yourself. We all have those tough times. Horrible when they happen. Can be like everything is hard to do. Even the smallest of things. We just have to try and dig a little bit deeper. Hard as it is. Push ourselves. In this day and age there is help out there for everything. No matter what the problem is. To get that help we just need to force ourselves to take those first few steps. Far from easy when a person is down. But it can be done.

----------


## fetisha

ashamed

----------


## Cuchculan

> ashamed



Can we ask of what exactly? There are times we can be very hard on ourselves. Blame ourselves for how the day is going and how we are feeling. Which is not our fault at all. We might say things to people. All just part of how we are on any given day.

----------


## fetisha

> Can we ask of what exactly? There are times we can be very hard on ourselves. Blame ourselves for how the day is going and how we are feeling. Which is not our fault at all. We might say things to people. All just part of how we are on any given day.



ok I just ate a bunch of junk food, Im on social security disability, my sex life past and I dont have a nice job and I cant have one now(long story)

----------


## Cuchculan

Junk food we all eat at times. It is allowed. I am sure it is not something you do all the time. I am on disability benefit too. No big deal there at all. It is there for those who need it. We need it for now. Sex life? Would say I haven't had one of them in years. But we have all done things in the past we would like to forget about. Been with one or two people I look back on now and wonder what I was thinking. But the past is the past for a reason. As for a job? I wouldn't know what a job is. On paper I have never worked. All cash in hand jobs. Way it was always done here in Ireland for years. Right now I have no job. Not much of a social life at all. Just how things are right now. Easy to beat ourselves up over all these things. But why bother? I simply leave the past behind and just accept my situation today. If it ever changes I will be ready for that too.

----------


## L

> ashamed



Hugs, it's not a nice feeling. I hope it eases hun xx

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Sad, I'm really missing someone really badly lately. And just sad for the way things turned out. Really, really sad. There is no silver lining, there is no upside. No positives. It's just....the whole memory, the way the whole things ended is just very, very, very sad. There's nothing anyone can say to make it any better. Or make me feel any better. No one knows what to say, because, well, there is nothing really to say. It could not have ended any worse. It's like a nightmare I can't f-ing wake up from sometimes. I really miss her, so much.

And...sometimes, I'm really, really pissed off at her for leaving me and everyone else like she did. I don't have any words to describe all the f-ed up feelings I have, I really don't.

----------


## fetisha

> Junk food we all eat at times. It is allowed. I am sure it is not something you do all the time. I am on disability benefit too. No big deal there at all. It is there for those who need it. We need it for now. Sex life? Would say I haven't had one of them in years. But we have all done things in the past we would like to forget about. Been with one or two people I look back on now and wonder what I was thinking. But the past is the past for a reason. As for a job? I wouldn't know what a job is. On paper I have never worked. All cash in hand jobs. Way it was always done here in Ireland for years. Right now I have no job. Not much of a social life at all. Just how things are right now. Easy to beat ourselves up over all these things. But why bother? I simply leave the past behind and just accept my situation today. If it ever changes I will be ready for that too.



Thanks for your help, I just need to stay away from who brag about people who talk all the great stuff they have life thats better than me and its so annoying.

----------


## Cuchculan

> Thanks for your help, I just need to stay away from who brag about people who talk all the great stuff they have life thats better than me and its so annoying.




I know a lot of people who like to brag about what they have. Means feck all to me. They can all the money in the world and all the good looks on earth and still die tomorrow. Then it will all stand for nothing. What I have I am happy with. May be nothing to others. But to me it is my life. People on social media amuse me. Pictures of everything in their houses. Pictures of meals. Pass me the bucket. But I enjoy pissing them off with my comments. Saying how happy I am to have social media, because I have no windows in my fecken house and I would never know it was raining out if they had not mentioned it. Must be the most unfriended person on facebook. How I love it. LOL

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Anxious a.f. My boss and one of our biggest clients are touring my stores right now. It should go really well, I got the stores ready and they look awesome. My boss is happy. Just doesn't stop me from being anxious.

----------


## fetisha

> I know a lot of people who like to brag about what they have. Means feck all to me. They can all the money in the world and all the good looks on earth and still die tomorrow. Then it will all stand for nothing. What I have I am happy with. May be nothing to others. But to me it is my life. People on social media amuse me. Pictures of everything in their houses. Pictures of meals. Pass me the bucket. But I enjoy pissing them off with my comments. Saying how happy I am to have social media, because I have no windows in my fecken house and I would never know it was raining out if they had not mentioned it. Must be the most unfriended person on facebook. How I love it. LOL



yeah, you are right, their life could be gone tomorrow. I just know a lot of people here in america look down on people who don't have a real job and gget money from the government and glad that new president will cut them off.

----------


## Cuchculan

They want the same done to people over here. Always talking about it on the radio. How people on social welfare get too much money for doing nothing. Then saying half those on disability should not be on it. Not like we are never examined to make sure we are for real. Last time I was checked up on I was in a Psych hospital. They could hardly claim I was faking it. It is always a big issue for debate over here too.

----------


## Cuchculan

> I hate people like that, I been to the hospital six times and hated going every time, that is impossible to fake



keep that in mind. You are not a fake. You are genuine. Just let the big mouths keeps on talking. They have no idea what they are talking about.

----------


## Cuchculan

> I have tried to fake being normal but my crazy side (schizoaffective disorder is what my doctor diagnose me with) comes out and scares people away and people expect me to just snap out of it with positive thinking or getting a job. I tried that it doesn't fucking work!



Been there too in the past. The amount of ignorant people out there who think we can simply just snap out of it. I tried work too. Years ago I could manage it. Five years back I was bad and gave it another go. What a nightmare. I simply couldn't do it. Give me a job in a room all alone and I might just be fine. But we all know those types of jobs don't exist. The job I lasted longest at was just me alone in a taxi base. Night work. Didn't have to interact with anybody in person. Just take phone calls and give addresses out to the drivers. How we all wish we could just simply get better. No wonder we don't tell people or want people to know anything about our conditions. If that is how they think. The stigma is still there. We remain silent for most of our lives.

----------


## HypnoticTrance

Like utter shit.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Kind of amused lol. I was at a store yesterday, and turned away from my cart for literally 30 seconds, and someone stole my company issued tablet lol. They had to have been just waiting to take it. I checked with the front office and no one had turned it in. Walked the aisles and didn't see it. They were gone. But the joke is on them lol. I called the corporate office to report it, and am about to get a police report (we have to do that). And they know _exactly_ where it is. They have an address. They told me what neighborhood it was in, but they won't give me the address, as they don't want some kind of confrontation lol.

Somebody's about to have a really, really bad day, and it's not me. Somebody's about to go to jail.

It's really not that big of a deal, after all is said and done. This actually happens a lot, and it's not gonna cost me anything, and they're gonna overnight me another tablet. I hope however many days in jail and whatever fine they get....I hope it was worth it. To get a tablet that you can't do anything with, without passwords. God some people lack so much in the intelligence dept it's scary.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> I feel so ill, and my head is pounding.



I hope you're feeling better TE (((hugs)))

----------


## Koalafan

Hmm...could use more coffee

----------


## sweetful

Bummed.

----------


## L

Can I just not do this right now.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Pretty good. I cleaned my apartment when I got off work, which was kind of early. But I did a half-assed job, and now I don't want to finish lol. I did about six loads of laundry (I always wait until I have so much) and now there are clothes all over my bed cos I don't feel like putting them up. Did dishes, ran dishwasher but haven't unloaded it. I did wash and vacuum out my car. It needed it. That's one thing I finished, cos well, you can't really half-ass wash and vacuum out your car, either you do it, or you don't lol.

I'm tired today. I'll finish this stuff tomorrow.

----------


## L

> I feel like giving up on life



Please don't hun. Pm me if you need to vent to someone. Use me, you don't have to worry about what you say. I'm good at listening. Hugs xxxxxx

----------


## Cuchculan

> I feel like giving up on life

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> I feel like giving up on life



I feel the same way sometimes lately. Please don't give up. I hope you feel better (((hugs)))  (hope that's OK)

----------


## fetisha

thanks for the support guys I feel like I'm going insane and should withdrawal from everyone for a while

----------


## Cuchculan

> thanks for the support guys I feel like I'm going insane and should withdrawal from everyone for a while



Don't leave the forum. Worst thing you can do. Been all alone will only make things much worse. You will get used to been alone. You might even begin to like it. Thus it will become normal in your mind. Then been around people will be harder. Even if you have that one close friend off the net that you know you can trust. Not saying you spill everything out to them. Just to be around like any person. So you are not isolating yourself away from people for good. On here you know you can write what you want to write. People are always here for you. No strings attached. Is the good side of such sites. Strangers all coming together to help each other out by way of words. So stick around.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

A little anxious about the conference call we're having at work this morning. I talked to my boss yesterday though so I think I know what's coming.

Excited about seeing my kids this weekend, I really miss them, can't wait to see them  ::): 

A little apprehensive about my cousin coming over later. I haven't seen him in quite a while, a few years. We used to be roommates and he's _finally_ coming over to move out a lot of his stuff. I've been asking him for years. Literally, years, to come get his stuff. I had to ask his sister, and his parents, to please tell him to come get his **** out of my apartment. He's finally doing it today. I've had it. What he leaves behind today is going in the dumpster, or it's being donated. I've been nice but I have limits, I'm not going to store your stuff forever.

How I'm feeling is never just a simple question for me lmao. It's always complicated as fuq.

----------


## fetisha

defeated

----------


## L

Angry, sad and lonely.

----------


## sweetful

> Angry, sad and lonely.



offering hugs and hope that your spirits may be lifted  :Hug:

----------


## sweetful

Not amazing nor terrible

----------


## L

A lot more calm

----------


## InvisibleGuy

A little anxious about going out of town with my boss tomorrow morning, but, meh....I've done this before, twice now. I'm a whooole lot calmer than I was the first two times, I can already tell. We get along really well. We both just want to get in there, get it done, and go home. Might take two days, maybe three, but....whatever it takes, the two of us can do it. We work together pretty well.

We all got positive feedback today. And that's a very, very good thing, because we all got shot down last week. Things are looking up at work. If this trip goes well, it'll be one more step in the right direction, for me anyway. The other team members won't be there.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm looking forward to this weekend. Dear God, ffs, I need a weekend in a bad way.

----------


## L

Off to counselling....deep breaths...

----------


## Cuchculan

> Off to counselling....deep breaths...



You'll be just fine. Hope it all goes well for you.

----------


## L

> You'll be just fine. Hope it all goes well for you.



I am still alive

----------


## Cuchculan

> I am still alive



Good to hear. Never as bad as we think in advance of going. Sings ' Galway Girl ' with joy.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Really, reeeeally sad  ::(:  I just found out a woman I worked with, just a few months ago, just passed away. I was part of a mass email from my former boss, and I read the email in my parking spot at my apartment before I came in just now, and the tears just started flowing. I'm also just totally shocked, she was younger than me. I think in her thirties.

I posted about her on SAS. I had a crush on her, and we used to flirt with each other. To be fair, I started it, but we were both flirting back and forth with each other pretty quick. We used to talk on the phone, she'd call me if she had a question, and then we just started making excuses to call each other. We almost went out. I was backing off a little because I just wasn't sure if it was going to work out....not everyone "clicks", and it takes a while to get to know someone. So. I was backing off a little, and then she actually asked me out. And like an idiot I said I thought it would be best if we were just friends. God I feel so, so much regret right now, and I feel like such a horrible person.

I still don't think it would've worked out, but maybe I should've given it a chance. Now she's gone. I'll never know. I had the opportunity to get to know her and I passed on it, and now she's gone, forever.

I considered us friends. She was a regular salesperson, and I'm a client manager, but at the last staff meeting we had....I was actually avoiding her. I think she was hurt because I didn't want to give us a chance to be more than friends. So. I said good morning to her when she came in that morning but that was all. After the meeting I actually avoided her and she came up to me, I was actually walking for the door and she stood in front of me, stopped me and we talked for a few minutes. She asked me to call her. And. I never did  ::(: 

God I feel like such, such a horrible person. The anxiety kept me from calling her, but also....my boss said if I ever talked to her again he would seriously kick my *** (they look down upon relationships between team members). But that doesn't stop me from feeling horrible. I have so, so much regret right now. I have tears running down my face as I'm typing this.

I remember back when I was a regular sales person like her, on the same team as her, we were at one of our staff meetings and we were bored out of our skulls. And she was just looking drop dead gorgeous, with this cute little blue dress on, that showed off every curve, and her hair looked like she had just walked out of a salon. And I texted her, right in the middle of the meeting, "You're wearing that dress like you're doing it a favor", and she laughed, and she texted me back "I know" lol.

God I'm gonna miss her. And I really feel like a horrible person right now.

----------


## L

> Good to hear. Never as bad as we think in advance of going. Sings ' Galway Girl ' with joy.



Oh my. I am a pure dose to be counselled. But I keep going back for some reason...that poor woman she has a heart of gold.

----------


## Goat

Excited  :stars:

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling good. Just got back from dinner to celebrate Mother's Day with my mom, dad, nieces, nephews, sister, brother-in-law. It went really well. I split the bill with brother-in-law. Mom got some nice gifts, and flowers.

There was a time not too many years ago when I wouldn't have been able to go. I was full of hate and resentment for her (she was my abuser). With a whole lot of help from my therapist I learned how to forgive her.

Today went really well. And I feel like I'm not stuck in that place anymore. I can move on with my life.

----------


## Antidote

Rejuvenated. Doing exercise until I'm trashed is the only thing that feels like a respite from mental anguish.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Excited, and a lot of mixed emotions along with that, happy, sad, it's never a simple answer for me.

The girl I loved that I lived with, that took her own life five years ago....she has three daughters, that I consider to be my own daughters. I consider them to be my own kids, though we don't really talk much anymore aside from fb. We talked quite a bit after she died, we used to get together every weekend at her oldest daughter's house. We'd drink. And talk. And cry. And share memories of her. Share stories. We did that for about a year, and....it just got to be too painful.

Part of the reason we don't see each other anymore was my fault. Part of it was their choice, also. Her oldest daughter walks, talks, acts....exactly like my ex. She looks just like her. Her smile....it lights up the whole world, just like my ex's used to. It became too painful for us to see each other any more. And that's a goddamned shame. But it's the truth. It's not something I would expect anyone that hasn't lost a loved one to suicide to understand. We still communicate through fb, mostly. Occasionally texts.

Her youngest two daughters were 16 and 17 when my ex and I lived together. I used to drive them to their hs occasionally. We were close. I've dried tears away before, because of a breakup from a bf. We used to hang out with their friends lol. We used to play beer pong, ffs. I'm closest to her middle daughter, who's I think 22 now. She's married, and is a mommy of two kids now. That just blows my mind.

Her oldest just found out she's pregnant again. She's 32 now. This will be her third child. I remember holding, playing with her other kids when we were together. So. I was sort of a grandpa lol. I'll miss not being a part of this kid's life  ::(: 

It's just too painful for us to hang out together anymore. Not long after my ex died, me and her oldest daughter got to be really, really close. But it just got to be too much. Anyways, I'm happy for her. She's going to be a mom again. I just wish my ex was here to see it. To see the baby. To be there for her daughter.

She has missed so, so much by not being here. She has missed out on so much love, on so many moments, she has missed everything. By being selfish, and taking her own life....she has missed everything. She has missed everything.

Also lol, part of the reason why I chose the avatar I chose....is because life is like a roller coaster. It's like a carnival ride. It can make you sick. It can make you feel really, really bad. But it can also be fun. It can be a rush. It can be exciting. You never know what's around the next turn. I don't want to miss what's around the next turn.

----------


## L

Little sad

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm looking forward to spending this weekend with my kids and my parents out of town this weekend. It should be fun.

Ffs, I have to get out of my own head. I can't let my kids see me depressed a.f. like I am now, like I've been for the last two days. I have to fake it, switch gears, something....my problems are not their problems, I can't take my baggage with me this weekend, I just can't do that, it's not fair to them, I have to be OK. I'll be OK. Just....fake it until you make it I guess, just smile, even though I feel like dying inside. I'm sorry to be so negative, it's just where I'm at right now. It's been a long time since I felt this low, and I can't cancel this weekend. And I want to see my kids. I just have to pretend to be OK right now. Sometimes I just wish I was never born, tbh. Life is not any fun right now. I'm just in a bad place and I don't know how to get out of it.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> Hope seeing your kids will cheer you up  Let me know if I can do anything to help



Thank you TE

----------


## Otherside

Actually I feel excellent. Like REALLY excellent. Which is a good thing because I felt like [BEEP] really these last few weeks. But nope that [BEEP] is gone. I feel amazing. Boom badda boom ba de boom excellent. 

Not sure if that's a good thing mind. I mean there's a slight teensy inkling in my brain that this is somewhat bad. Might because I spent most of Wednesday evening clicking on "Why am I seeing this?" on posts on Facebook and storing the reasons in an excel spreadsheet. And then making a graph. I'm still sure there's some massive connection between all of them but I just can't put my finger on it. Haven't seen any targeted election propaganda. None of that Cambridge analytica stuff. How disappointing.  

Might be time to take a sleeping pill. 💊 💊 💊 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## fetisha

worried again -__-

----------


## L

I'm very unsettled this morning

----------


## Cuchculan

> I'm very unsettled this morning



How so? Something on your mind? Maybe find something to do to take your thoughts away from yourself. We can inward think a lot of times. A good distraction can help. Put our thoughts elsewhere.

----------


## sweetful

Pretty insignificant tbh. Ashamed of my incapability and the fact that I haven't amounted to more. Like a stupid loser basically. But whatever.

----------


## L

> How so? Something on your mind? Maybe find something to do to take your thoughts away from yourself. We can inward think a lot of times. A good distraction can help. Put our thoughts elsewhere.



Just my thoughts. Been keeping busy. Thsnks

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Much better than last week, I had a good weekend with my kids....they always get me out of my head and help me focus on what really matters...them. We had a really good weekend. They're all three teenagers and it's oc a time when they normally start pushing parents away, a lot. And I don't feel like that's happened (yet). Not gonna say there's not some conflict between them at times, there most def is, but we work through it and it's not bad. They all three love each other, they just argue and get on each other's nerves a bit sometimes.

I feel like I'm back to my old self and not so f-ing depressed I can barely function, like I was when I was triggered last week. Feeling a lot better. I finally got some sleep and I think that had a lot to do with it.

----------


## L

Annoyed

----------


## Koalafan

Defeated

----------


## fetisha

feeling like a fat ass

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Tired. It feels like it's been a long day and I'm glad to be home. There are two other people on my team doing what I do, and they're both in California. We have the ultimate freedom when it comes to our jobs....go to work pretty much when you want. Work as long as you want. Make your own schedule, to whichever stores you want. We all work alone 99% of the time. But man, oh man, you'd better get results. More freedom = more responsibility.

----------


## L

Blah, got counselling appointment in two days. Alwayd get nervous a few days before. It might be my last time seeing this one, ill have to find another when I move.

----------


## rapsbro

Terribly anxious, and also pretty low. Not a nice combination  ::(:

----------


## L

> Terribly anxious, and also pretty low. Not a nice combination



Hey welcome to the boards - It doesn't sound like a nice combination alright, want to discuss why you feel that way?

----------


## fetisha

fusturated

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Awesome  ::):  I woke up thinking it's Thursday lol. I'm ready for a weekend. Gonna hit a few stores and make this a short day I think. I love, love being able to make my own schedule. Weekend here I come lol.

----------


## CeCe

Content

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Awesome  ::):

----------


## L

Stupid and emotional

----------


## fetisha

little worried

----------


## L

Ugh, I hate life  ::(:

----------


## fetisha

Impatient

----------


## JamieWAgain

Lost

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> Lost



(((Hugs))) to you

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling very, very relieved. My boss is taking our clients back to the airport now and I got an email from her thanking me and saying my stores looked awesome. Got another email from the client saying the same. Thank God, thank God, thank God. I feel like I can breath again.

----------


## Skippy

feeling better than I have in a very very long time

----------


## JamieWAgain

Thank you InvisibleGuy. 

Today I'm feeling much stronger, braver and that I can handle my new job. It's a big job that requires much corporate training, but I have a great team and we all want the same goal. To succeed.

I realized recently that even the smell of booze on someone during a time of day when the person should not smell like booze, (is there ever a good time to smell like booze) is a huge trigger for me, and my new boss was drinking during the day on Monday. I was told that she is an alcoholic. 

She didn't reek like booze yesterday and hence was not making many mistakes. I'll hardly have to deal with her in person and my job is to lead and inspire my team to succeed.

I can do this. 

Feeling better.

----------


## sweetful

Like I finally heard words I've been needing to hear for years so...better.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm feeling good. I got another win at work today, and it was at my first visit to one of my new stores. I'm building two small displays tomorrow. I guess I'm doing something right, ffs. I never, ever thought this sales gig would work out but so far it has. And i'm making $75 - $250 a week right now in bonuses, tax free.

Something I've really been trying to work on is getting more organized and i'm much better than I was even a few months ago. And I think that's helping me. If nothing else it's making my life a lot easier.

----------


## L

I don't know. I often feel I get to choose how I feel but can't....like I believe I should feel sad so I tell myself that...or almost like I'm testing it...then I truly feel it and I'm like why the feck did I want to feel like this...

----------


## L

It is really hard living in a society that is full of stigma

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling good. But anxious, as always. I've never had a job before with this much responsibility. I'm doing pretty well I think. My old boss talks to my new boss sometimes, and I heard she is really happy with me so far. Or so the story goes. 

I worry a lot. My youngest daughter's nickname for me used to be "Piglet" from Winnie The Pooh. Seriously. Because all he does is worry. I'm worried about my kids. I'm worried my ex-wife is going to let her new bf, her new flavor of the month move in with her and my kids. And I have reason to be worried. There have been incidents with her bfs and my kids in the past. That's the kind of stuff that fucking keeps me up at night. The stuff nightmares are made of. 

I'm also really missing my ex, the one that took her own life. I'm always missing her. But I'm really missing her a lot lately.

You know, sometimes I wish I could answer this thread with "I feel happy" or "I feel sad". Ain't nothin so easy. It's always complicated as fuq with me.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling good. Looking forward to seeing my kids this weekend. 

My ex-wife is just so fucking psychotic. Seriously. There are not enough meds in the world to help that woman. Ffs. And now she's acting paranoid, afraid that I'm going to take her kids from her. 

If I acted like her, and parented like she does...I'd be worried too. She has reason to be worried. She is the most unfit mother....

----------


## fetisha

I feel dead inside

----------


## L

Worried that my boyfriend is always stressed

----------


## Skippy

I hate this damn world so much. why cant i just die already

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm worried about my kids.

I'm worried the damage may have already been done. And I'm worried about what else my ex might do. Ffs. My picker is broken. I don't, don't, don't know how to pick women. I don't know how to pick women that are good for me. I sure as fuq didn't know how to pick the mother of my children.

Though....I really couldn't have known that she'd turn into the monster she's turned into. She is not the same woman I met 23 years ago. She's turned into someone else.

----------


## L

> I hate this damn world so much. why cant i just die already



Hugs, hppe this are s bit more settled x

----------


## fetisha

> I hate this damn world so much. why cant i just die already



same here *sigh*

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling pretty good. I had a good day with my kids, and I wouldn't want to spend Fathers Day of course with anyone but my three kids, and my dad. We all went to a nice restaurant, but not too formal, a sit-down kind of burger joint with awesome food. There were ten of us. The same ten of us that were on a cruise in Cancun and Cozumel and Jamaica, exactly a year ago today. We talked about that oc. Me and my dad and my brother-in-law opened up gifts. Was really nice to be with the kids and with family today. We came back to my mom and dad's house and played games. It could not have gone better. I wish my kids and I got to see each other more often, but at the same time I feel blessed to have them in my life as much as they are.

----------


## L

Feeling sorry for myself

----------


## fetisha

I'm ok for right now, but it will change and I will feel more shame later since I can't get over the past or stay sane

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling alright, a little down. I'm thinking a lot about my ex-gf, the one that committed suicide. I think it's because my work has been taking me to our old neighborhood a lot lately. I fucking hate that part of town. It's a nice part of town actually, but because of the memories there I will drive a half hour out of my way to avoid it. I will go miles and miles out of my way. I still can't drive through the turnoff to our old neighborhood and it's been over five years now. Also, summertime brings back pretty strong memories of her. The beach was one of our favorite places. I miss her. I mean, I really, really miss her. I didn't know you could miss another human being so much.

Also, on a lighter note, my youngest daughter is apparently pretty popular in school, much more than I thought. I was talking to her brother and sister about it last weekend. A lot of it is (apparently) because she decided to play football last year. Football with the boys lol. She is tough for being 5'9" and 125 pounds. She knocked some of those boys on their ***. What bothers me about this is I hope it's not going to her head. She's in junior high school, ffs. People that are popular in junior hs are generally not when they get to high school. It also bothers me that she gets invited to all the parties, which is great, don't get me wrong, but it's just a matter of time before I start worrying about drinking, and drugs, and sex. God I can't even think about that, my brain won't even process it, she is still my baby girl. But I know it's coming. It's coming for all of my kids. I'm praying to God that they stay on the straight and narrow. Don't leave the path. Boring is OK. Be boring.

I saw a meme the other day in my fb feed that said "Bad decisions make for great stories". No.

No. They do not.

Bad decisions do not make good stories, I have been there and done that. I probably worry too much about my kids. Idk.

----------


## fetisha

feeling paranoid, crazy (over thinking things again), guilty, ashamed and , dumb all at the same time

----------


## JamieWAgain

I feel angry and sad and happy and insecure and pretty and old and tired.

----------


## Skippy

> Hugs, hppe this are s bit more settled x







> same here *sigh*



funny i shoulda said such, cuz.....
actually now? I kinda face that very thing and scared over it. and a stupid delay happened so now i gotta wait on edge of seat.....not fun.....
i regret what i said at any rate. even if things suck baaad as long as we can go on we can find something better. no matter what this world tries to take from us, we always have a chance for better thigs in future if we dont give up and keep fighting for it

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm feeling emotionally raw, emotionally exhausted in a way.

I don't want to feel anything anymore. I'm tired.

I'm tired of feeling, sometimes it feels like that's all I do, is overthink, and over-feel....everything. Lately, everything fucking hurts, everything. I worry about my kids, I worry about how my ex-wife is not taking care of them, and that hurts. I worry about my parents, my mom and dad and how they're doing, if they're taking care of each other, and when and if I'll need to step in and help them take care of themselves and that hurts to even think about. I worry about how I mishandled my last relationship with my ex-girlfriend. And that hurts. A lot. I have a lot of guilt about that. A truckload of guilt that no therapist is ever, ever going to get rid of.

I'm tired. But it's not the kind of tired you can get better from with sleep. I'm emotionally exhausted. I'm so....tired of feeling this way.

----------


## fetisha

> funny i shoulda said such, cuz.....
> actually now? I kinda face that very thing and scared over it. and a stupid delay happened so now i gotta wait on edge of seat.....not fun.....
> i regret what i said at any rate. even if things suck baaad as long as we can go on we can find something better. no matter what this world tries to take from us, we always have a chance for better thigs in future if we dont give up and keep fighting for it



I'm sorry but I don't understand what you mean? (I feel so dumb now)

----------


## fetisha

I feel crazy again since my brain won't shut up and wont stop reminding me about my past mistakes and how much I embarrass myself just by existing.

----------


## Skippy

> Hugs, hppe this are s bit more settled x







> same here *sigh*







> I'm sorry but I don't understand what you mean? (I feel so dumb now)




no worries.  ::):  i said somethin bout hating this world n wish i was dead and you said "*sigh* same here" and then i found out i very well could be thus realized how wrong i was to have felt such. i think life can frustrate the hell outta us at times, but its deff over when we dead.....so we might as well strive to do the best we can and work our way thru the tough stuff when it comes about, cuz long as we go on we can always find better life

----------


## fetisha

> no worries.  i said somethin bout hating this world n wish i was dead and you said "*sigh* same here" and then i found out i very well could be thus realized how wrong i was to have felt such. i think life can frustrate the hell outta us at times, but its deff over when we dead.....so we might as well strive to do the best we can and work our way thru the tough stuff when it comes about, cuz long as we go on we can always find better life



its ok, you told the truth and I agree still but I will live life to the fullest but I am so terrified of living.

----------


## 1

Bleh

----------


## fetisha

ok and a little weird

----------


## JamieWAgain

I feel like the whole country is having a fantastic 4th of July weekend. Sort of like ...
Everyone in the country is having or attending perfect 4th of July barbecues in perfect Lilly Pulitzer dresses or Vineyard Vines shirts, shorts and belts and everyone will be laughing and enjoying the kids splashing in the pool and jumping on their blow up pink flamingo pool toys.

I'm not invited to any such party, I'm not hosting any such party. I'm working. Everyone else is at their Country Clubs and the men are playing golf and the ladies are playing tennis with lunch afterword.

So, I feel happy that I have a job/career. I feel happy that I've accomplished so much.
And, I feel sad that I work during these kinds of holidays, but proud at the same time.

Very hard to explain.
Also, I hate that I HAVE to work. It's no longer a choice. 
Poor poor pitiful me.

----------


## fetisha

dumb

----------


## 1

Ok

----------


## fetisha

scared

----------


## Cuchculan

Hot

----------


## fetisha

> Hot



take an ice bath

----------


## Cuchculan

@fetisha
 em, no thanks. LOL Unless you care to join me and scrub my back. LOL

----------


## Cuchculan

Pissed off. Meant to be a quick stop at the doctors to pick up script for myself and my mother. Way it works is you drop in a form a few days earlier with what you want on it. They hadn't nothing ready this morning at all. Let them know exactly what I thought of that. Dropped my form down 5 days ago. Plenty of time. They had no excuses at all. Waiting for over an hour. Bloody annoying.

----------


## fetisha

weird

----------


## JamieWAgain

I feel Happy and confident.  ::):

----------


## 1

Bored

----------


## fetisha

worried

----------


## 1

W/e

----------


## Cuchculan

Hot because it is so humid here.

----------


## fetisha

fresh ( I just took a cold bath in the summer)

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Awesome  ::):

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling good, I'm on two days, then off two days....this is a really easy week.

----------


## 1

Don't feel like getting outta bed

----------


## L

Down, bed all the times seems appealing

----------


## fetisha

paranoid.. sigh

----------


## 1

Lazy

----------


## fetisha

irritable

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Relieved. The weekend is here. Also, kind of feeling like an ingrate lmao. I should be happy with what I have. Why am I never, ever happy? I have a decent job, I have a career. I'm about to get a car allowance...the company I work for is going to pay for a new car for me. I have medical insurance. I get to see my kids, not as much as I'd like, but I get to see them. I have a nice apartment in a nice part of town. With more room than I need. I have disposable income. Why am I never happy, why am I never satisfied......

----------


## 1

Full

----------


## fetisha

feel so dumb since I keep reading online "black people have low iqs" I'm so sick of seeing that [BEEP]!

----------


## Cuchculan

> feel so dumb since I keep reading online "black people have low iqs" I'm so sick of seeing that [BEEP]!



People write stupid things to get a reaction. Some idiot probably looking at mainly Black areas in the US. High unemployment and people leaving school earlier. Much like they could say about working class areas in Dublin. They would be no different from the Projects in the US. Lot of intelligent black people out there. You aware the Irish are considered the blacks of Europe? In England in the 60's and 70's signs in shop windows looking for workers would say ' No blacks, No Irish, No dogs '. So the Irish began telling people they were black. And proud of it. Blacks and the Irish stuck together in England. Shared houses and shared housing estates.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm feeling so very, very.....old....right now.

My sister's son, my nephew, just bought his first car. He's going to be driving in a few months. This is the kid, the baby, that I held in my arms right after he was born. I saw him take his first steps.

*sigh* My oldest daughter is 16 years old, also. She's just too anxious to drive. And.....I can't say that that's a bad thing. I can wait for her to drive, she can take her sweet time getting ready to do that, for all I care. She can take her sweet time growing up. They grow up too fast. Way, way too fast.

----------


## 1

Ok

----------


## 1

Tired

----------


## fetisha

weird

----------


## 1

Board

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Tired.

Also, worried. I had always thought my oldest daughter didn't want to drive yet (she's almost 17) because of financial reasons....insurance for a 17 year old is just ridiculous. But I recently found out my ex-wife's parents actually offered to buy her a car. A nice car. She's just too anxious to drive, and I think she's so anxious about it she doesn't even want to admit that's the reason.

I read a news story recently that more and more 16 and 17 year olds are waiting to get their license, so I guess it's not too big a deal. It's like a trend now in the USofA to wait to get your license. Just have your parents or friends or an older sibling, relative drive you where you need to go. But she's going to have to get a license eventually. I hope it doesn't become more of an issue.

----------


## fetisha

terrified, stupid, crazy, and tired

----------


## 1

Tired

----------


## Otherside

> Tired.
> 
> Also, worried. I had always thought my oldest daughter didn't want to drive yet (she's almost 17) because of financial reasons....insurance for a 17 year old is just ridiculous. But I recently found out my ex-wife's parents actually offered to buy her a car. A nice car. She's just too anxious to drive, and I think she's so anxious about it she doesn't even want to admit that's the reason.
> 
> I read a news story recently that more and more 16 and 17 year olds are waiting to get their license, so I guess it's not too big a deal. It's like a trend now in the USofA to wait to get your license. Just have your parents or friends or an older sibling, relative drive you where you need to go. But she's going to have to get a license eventually. I hope it doesn't become more of an issue.



Speaking from personal experience, it could be something that fades as she grows older. I personally did not have the confidence to drive until I grew older.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> Speaking from personal experience, it could be something that fades as she grows older. I personally did not have the confidence to drive until I grew older.



Yeah, I hope that's the case. I was really anxious. I got my license at 16 but I barely passed the driving test I was so damn anxious.

Her younger brother and sister really resent her not getting her driver's license. They are constantly talking about how much easier life would be if she could drive. There is actually a lot of conflict going on between my oldest daughter, and her two younger siblings. They really resent her for having the anxiety and depression, and for being in a psychiatric hospital, and for having all the problems she has. At first they were worried for her, about her....now it's turned into pure resentment.

I was at this watch part for the MLB all star game, and my twins, the younger ones, ended up sitting away from us, with my oldest daughter beside me, and an empty seat between us, then them two together. That's just strange. It's just....sad, really. Their feelings are their own, and they are what they are, they're neither right nor wrong, they're just feelings. I just don't know why they seem to have so much resentment. I've talked to my ex-wife about it and she says "they are just so, so tired of her drama". I feel like there's nothing I can do to help the situation.

She's victimized because of her anxiety and depression, by her own family. I of course stick up for her. And that's a big, huge issue lately. They don't like me sticking up for her when she gets bullied by her younger brother and sister, I get called out for it all the time.

They actually might resent me, too....that idea is not lost on me. It's been going on for years now and there's no real easy solution, no quick fix that I can see.

----------


## Otherside

> Yeah, I hope that's the case. I was really anxious. I got my license at 16 but I barely passed the driving test I was so damn anxious.
> 
> Her younger brother and sister really resent her not getting her driver's license. They are constantly talking about how much easier life would be if she could drive. There is actually a lot of conflict going on between my oldest daughter, and her two younger siblings. They really resent her for having the anxiety and depression, and for being in a psychiatric hospital, and for having all the problems she has. At first they were worried for her, about her....now it's turned into pure resentment.
> 
> I was at this watch part for the MLB all star game, and my twins, the younger ones, ended up sitting away from us, with my oldest daughter beside me, and an empty seat between us, then them two together. That's just strange. It's just....sad, really. Their feelings are their own, and they are what they are, they're neither right nor wrong, they're just feelings. I just don't know why they seem to have so much resentment. I've talked to my ex-wife about it and she says "they are just so, so tired of her drama". I feel like there's nothing I can do to help the situation.
> 
> She's victimized because of her anxiety and depression, by her own family. I of course stick up for her. And that's a big, huge issue lately. They don't like me sticking up for her when she gets bullied by her younger brother and sister, I get called out for it all the time.
> 
> They actually might resent me, too....that idea is not lost on me. It's been going on for years now and there's no real easy solution, no quick fix that I can see.



Yeah it was a similar issue for me. My younger sister resented me for my mental health problems. She may well still do so, to a degree, although it's lessened somewhat. It's not an easy situation and there's not an easy fix at all. Age does breed some understanding. She has grown older, seen friends and her ex deal with depression and anxiety, and even deals with it herself somewhat, even if she is somewhat in denial about it (although I do not wish that on your other children. Mental health problems are horrid.) 

I can't speak as to why the resentment is there, because I never fully understood why my sister had it. I know she felt as though my own issues were affecting her and everything she did. And sure, as harsh as it is, I was hardly an easy person to live with, and people need a time out from the drama.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> Yeah it was a similar issue for me. My younger sister resented me for my mental health problems. She may well still do so, to a degree, although it's lessened somewhat. It's not an easy situation and there's not an easy fix at all. Age does breed some understanding. She has grown older, seen friends and her ex deal with depression and anxiety, and even deals with it herself somewhat, even if she is somewhat in denial about it (although I do not wish that on your other children. Mental health problems are horrid.) 
> 
> I can't speak as to why the resentment is there, because I never fully understood why my sister had it. I know she felt as though my own issues were affecting her and everything she did. And sure, as harsh as it is, I was hardly an easy person to live with, and people need a time out from the drama.



Yeah, I know it can't be easy for them. I was the oldest child, so I don't know and don't pretend to know what it's like to be the younger, behind the oldest, and behind someone with very real, very serious issues, like I had, or like my oldest daughter has. I imagine it's not easy being in that position.

I can sort of understand why someone might be resentful for being in that situation....but I don't understand how you cannot be able to put that aside, for compassion, and for trying to help them get well. Even as a teenager, I don't understand anyone that's not able to do that. They're you're own flesh and blood. She's your sister. Tbh, that really, really bothers me. Maybe I'm the one that's not seeing things clearly, but I don't understand why my ex-wife, and my youngest two kids, all seem to resent me for sticking up for my oldest daughter. She is really, seriously bullied sometimes. Idk why you wouldn't want to stick up for someone like that. Maybe my perspective is just way different because I've been through what she's going through, I've been depressed and anxious, I've been hospitalized. But, also, where is the empathy.....I don't understand.....if my oldest daughter tried to kill herself, and if she did kill herself, which she has tried in the past, how would my ex-wife, how would her brother and sister feel. I don't understand the way they treat her. It's wrong, imo.

----------


## 1

Pretty gud

----------


## 1

Ok

----------


## L

> ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh just kill me already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  !!!!



((Gentle hugs))

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling bad physically, stomach problems still here, really bad. I haven't eaten anything yet today and tbh, have no desire to. I think I may go to a doctor tomorrow. I will put off going to the doctor until I feel like I'm dying, and that's pretty much what it's felt like the last two days. Maybe they can give me something that will help. Idk. I'd be just fucking shocked if they told me anything except "it's stress and anxiety". Just fucking shocked. That's what the last dozen or so doctors have told me. ER doctors. Family practice doctors. Stomach doctors. All of them say the same fucking thing, every time, and then offer me no real help whatsoever.

I spent most of the day with family today, and they're insisting I go again, so yeah it's probably not a bad idea.

----------


## Otherside

Nervously waiting for an email. I'm really nervous. No reason to be nervous, I've sent what they asked for. I got my degree and I got a high mark. So why wouldn't I be accepted onto this course now? 

Still I'm sat here nervously staring at my emails and refreshing UCAS Track every few seconds. That's probably not helping. Not really managed to eat much. Managed to force down some yogurt earlier after taking some Propranolol. Gonna try and do something and distract myself. Might be best to leave phone at home so I stop checking the damn emails. 

When it comes, it will come I suppose. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Wishie

Numb

----------


## 1

Alright

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm feeling good, today was a good day. I got a lot done at work. They're putting some pretty crazy, sometimes impossible demands on us but so far we're meeting them. Well, I mean, as well as can be expected ffs. Our clients want the impossible and they can go fuq themselves if they think we're gonna work more than 40 hrs per week to give them that. It just ain't gonna happen. And my boss, and her boss agree with that....they're both pushing back for us on that issue, they're on our side. I'm also getting a car allowance starting August 1st and that's gonna be sweet, that's gonna help....a whole, whole lot I think. And I just found out they pay us for the month in advance, so for the month of August I get it on July 31st. That's really going to help because up until now it's been reimbursement, sometimes up to six weeks after the fact.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I hope you feel better 
@Total Eclipse
 ouch does not sound like fun at all

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm feeling OK. Still having stomach problems and still haven't been to see a doc. Though I have called and they said to come in, no appointment needed. I hate doctors. I really hate doctors. Did I mention I hate doctors?

I'm probably going in Monday. My symptoms are really strange. Stomach aches so bad they bring me to my knees sometimes. Sometimes brought on by anxiety, sometimes not. Idk what's going on.

----------


## 1

Ok

----------


## JamieWAgain

Confused, hurt and angry. Provoked by an alchoholic. I still don't know how to not let drunken remarks get to me. Grr.

----------


## L

Tired, didn't sleep last night and now I'm 6 hours into a 13h shift

----------


## 1

Tired

----------


## 1

Ok

----------


## BrookeAshley

Heartbroken, tired, defeated, unloved, alone

----------


## InvisibleGuy

My stomach hurts. Really, really bad. My dad is all over me to go see a doc, and I haven't yet, and he texted me, and I can tell he is ten different kinds of mad. He's probably coming over here. Fuq. Fuq. Fuq.

Now I don't want to go to the doctor because I'm afraid something's wrong.

----------


## 1

Bored

----------


## Wishie

so cranky

----------


## 1

Lazyy

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling good, this is the first day I've felt somewhat normal and have been able to eat "normal" food in almost a week. Meds I got Thursday are helping a lot. Also feeling good enough to spend my weekend with my kids without having to worry about getting sick every 20 to 30 minutes.

It's 103 degrees here right now. We planned on staying inside and playing games all day to avoid the heat. We have little prizes for whoever wins the most. Having fun with them and my parents.

----------


## 1

Alright

----------


## 1

Ok

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Alright. A little anxious. More tests coming, and I hate doctors now more than ever, part of me wishes I'd never gone in last week.

----------


## fetisha

Angry

----------


## BrookeAshley

Like things are going to get worse and never be better

----------


## Skippy

Feeling really shitty today...

----------


## BrookeAshley

Indifferent/nervous

----------


## Cuchculan

> Indifferent/nervous



How did it all go yesterday for you? Old therapist and all of that.

----------


## L

Heavy chest

----------


## CloudMaker

> Heavy chest



Sorry, have u ever considered a breast reduction?

I've heard those help some people

----------


## Bean the Mean

Hungry.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Awesome. I've gotten a lot done this week. Have an easy day tomorrow, and should be an easy half day Friday, then a weekend to myself. Looking forward to a weekend with no plans.

----------


## 1

Alright

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling better than I have in a long, long time. I think the meds my doc gave me are helping me.

----------


## Skippy

finally starting to feel better. gonna take a trip tomorrow it will be a nice rest.

----------


## sweetful

A little down about myself. Also not exactly head over heels in love with current weather conditions.

----------


## 1

Alright

----------


## 1

Fine

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling good. Planning on doing a whole lot of nothing this weekend. I need to vacuum. My life is so goddamn exciting lol. I may pick up Metal Gear Solid V again, or maybe Skyrim.

You know, I have some disposable income, and I could put myself out there a little bit. I'm just not even interested in dating or going out. Not in the least. The thought of it just makes me cringe.

----------


## 1

Ok

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling good. I have my stores planned out for today. Fixed the problem with my GPS yesterday, was just a blown fuse for the cigarette lighter. Today should be a pretty easy day. I'm actually feeling pretty good for a Monday.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling awesome. I got a really good night's sleep for the first time in....god, probably weeks. I'm done with doctors for a while, all I have to do is make an appointment for a follow-up to go over test results. Thank god the tests are over and done with, all that was looming over me like a dark cloud, it was the source of a whole lot of anxiety and it's finally over and done with. I need to catch up on my stores from my time off, and life will be good. Life is good, I haven't felt this good....this close to "normal" whatever that is....in a long, long time. Not even happy. Just. Somewhat normal.

----------


## 1

Ok

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Happy  ::):

----------


## 1

Content

----------


## fetisha

stupid

----------


## Cuchculan

> stupid




You are not stupid. Far from it.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Pretty good.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling awesome. I just got back from the stomach doctor, and we went over my test results, and everything seems to be OK. I've been taking some OTC meds, but I was taking the wrong ones. So he put me on the right ones, and gave me a few scripts and I have never felt better. Two weeks without any stomach aches, no nausea, no vomiting, no nothing. Hoping this will last. I can't remember the last time I've felt this good, this normal.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling good. Happy it's the weekend. Work is going well. Our busy season is almost over, just a couple of weeks left, and I did pretty well. The company I work for has an incentive program based on what we sell and for this summer my bonus should be well over $1,000, tax-free. I have two more customer-sponsored charity golf tournaments next month. I need to hit the driving range, ffs. I need to work on my swing lol.

----------


## 1

Ok

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling good  ::):  Looking forward to next weekend with my kids and parents at the beach.

----------


## 1

Decent

----------


## fetisha

nervous

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling good.

Somewhat vindicated.

Without going into specifics, I think it's important to stand up for yourself. Even when it's not popular. Even when it's not a good idea, according to some. It's important to stand up for yourself.

If you don't do it for yourself no one else will. There are people that will trample on you, walk over your dead body if you do not stand up for yourself. It's something I've always believed in. It's something I've taught my kids, from a very, very young age.

----------


## Cuchculan

Time for bed. Suddenly feel tired.

----------


## 1

Content

----------


## Lost_Loki

Feeling pretty good right now, and really hopeful.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

A little anxious. There's a fucking hurricane headed straight for Houston, apparently. I need to move.

----------


## JamieWAgain

Stay safe, IG.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Thanks. I'm taking my kids further inland to stay with my parents. We should be fine. Just anxious.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Worried. My kids are OK. Parents subdivision is just huge, thousands and thousands of homes, and as of 12 hours ago they're under mandatory evacuation. They're not leaving. My sister and I can't get to them, to help them, if they needed it. Their house is one of the very few one-story houses in their neighborhood (my mom is wheelchair-bound), but they have neighbors in two-story houses all around that are looking after them. One of their neighbors evacuated and left the keys to their house for them to use.

I'm anxious for them. There is a huge, huge levy around their neighborhood but I'm still worried.

----------


## 1

Content

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling very, very blessed right now. There was almost 900 square miles of Texas that had one and a half foot or more of floodwater in their houses / businesses.

Idk how my family, extended family, parents, kids all got out of this dry but I'm very, very thankful and breathing a huge sigh of relief. I have my kids this weekend (because last weekend was out of the question) and I can't wait to see them again. I can't wait for things to be back to normal.

I'm praying for the victims of the storm that didn't get out of this dry, there are people that have lost everything, and it's heartbreaking to watch on the news. I've given to Red Cross, donated food and I'll probably donate more.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling good. I have two charity golf tournaments coming up, within a few days of each other. At pretty nice courses. Gonna go to TopGolf and work on my swing with my dad and my kids. I sort of feel bad I haven't been going on my own to get some practice in. I have some nice clubs, three pairs of shoes, everything I need. I just need to work on my swing lol. We have two foursomes for each of the two tournaments, each of us receives $200 in vouchers at the clubhouse gift shop and a free (usually awesome) dinner afterward. Should be a lot of fun, I'll be getting paid by my employer to play golf, ffs.

----------


## 1

Not tired

----------


## 1

Blankness

----------


## Otherside

Miserable, hurt, angry, and a tiny bit guilty.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

OK.

That's how I feel right now.

That's an answer that wasn't allowed at the last psych hospital I was at. It wasn't allowed.

Go fuq yourself, I feel OK, that's how I feel right now.

I also feel very defensive and it would be a really, really bad time right now for my ex-wife to call me lol, I probably wouldn't even pick up.

Go fuq yourself.

Just.

Go.

I hate you.

I really, really fucking hate you.

God I didn't know it was possible to hate another human being so much. FFS.

----------


## 1

Rested

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling better than I was earlier.

I hope my ex-wife is doing something with my daughter today, on her 17th bday. I hope she's taking her out to her favorite restaurant, or something, ffs. I would be there, and actually did have plans to be there but it's gonna have to be another day, and I feel terrible about it but there's nothing I can do.

We celebrated last weekend and she really liked the gift cards I gave her. Starbucks and Barnes & Noble, a ton of them.

I've been texting her and I called her earlier to wish her a happy bday and she sounded really good, she sounded happy. She had fun at school today with her friends and they made her bday pretty awesome I think.

If my ex-wife doesn't do anything for my daughter I'm going to be really, really fucking upset. That might seem like an over-reaction on my part but it's not. There have been bdays in the past, since we've been divorced, where my ex-wife did not do a whole lot for my kids. Ffs, what kind of mom......what a mom lol....

----------


## 1

ALright

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Tired, and glad to be back home.

----------


## Otherside

Angry. Still angry. How can I still feel this angry? 

Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk

----------


## 1

Ok

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Tired. I got a really early start at work today and it's starting to catch up to me.

----------


## 1

Numb

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I feel cold as a razor blade,
Tight as a tourniquet,
Dry as a funeral drum...

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Over tired. The kind of tired where you're just....tired lol, but too tired to sleep. I'm sure it only makes sense if you've felt that way before. I had an awesome time with my mom, dad and my three kids at the game today. We won  ::):  and there was a ten minute fireworks show afterward, synched to "chart topping music" whatever that is lol, but it was fun. My son sat next to my dad on the far left end, I sat on the far right end next to my oldest daughter. So we got some one on one time in a way. It was really pretty awesome. We danced in our seats when the "dance cam" came on. The "kiss cam" came on, and it was cute as always. And then they focused on this young couple in the stands and she stuck out her tongue and licked his entire face, before he even knew what was going on. Yep, she just licked his entire face from his chin to his forehead lol, was pretty hilarious.

On a side note....Justin Verlander you are probably the luckiest man on the planet.

You make millions of dollars a year. You're married to Kate Upton. You're going to lead your team into the playoffs and maybe the World Series. Kate was in the audience today, and my son spotted her. Wow. Life is really tough for some of us. For fuqs sake.

----------


## Otherside

A bit anxious and a tiny bit homesick.

----------


## Koalafan

Started a new job at Wendy's on Thursday and the anxiety has been fucking brutal. Been having the sweats and panic attacks even though I've done customer service for 4 years now at a movie theatre >_< starting new jobs is just devastating to my anxiety  ::(:

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Proud of my kids. They're all three at the same high school now. All three are doing things to push / further themselves in some ways right now, instead of just sitting stone-faced in front of their phones or tablets or laptops (which they still do sometimes).

My youngest daughter just got back from a JROTC UIL competition. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Junior...Training_Corps

It was tough. There was a really tough obstacle course. She also ran a mile with a 50 pound vest attached to her. They did an obstacle course with their whole team tied together at the ankles. The whole time with their Sergeant Major watching, motivating, pushing them. I'm very proud of her, they finished in first place in five of the six competitions. More to come during the school year.

----------


## 1

Bored

----------


## BrookeAshley

Like I'm dying from sadness

----------


## Otherside

Heartbroken. Slightly scared. I'm stuck in a situation that despite what people seem to be saying, seems a bit unsolvable. 

Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk

----------


## 1

Bord

----------


## 1

Board

----------


## L

Sad

----------


## Koalafan

It changes by the hour lol

----------


## jpennell1008

> Sad



Same here

Sent from my SM-G935P using Tapatalk

----------


## jpennell1008

...tired....

Sent from my SM-G935P using Tapatalk

----------


## L

> Same here
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935P using Tapatalk



Hope your feeling bettee, you can pm me anytime if you like x

----------


## Otherside

Extremly on edge. Have been for the last month. 

Keep feeling like I'm being unreasonable for being uncomfortable for what is going on here, in the place that I live in, that I should just shrug and be okay with it. The fact is though, that I'm not, and not a single person that I've spoken to has suggested to me that how I'm feeling is not an okay way to react and that I should just be cool with it. I'm not sure why I'm surprised by that.

----------


## jpennell1008

> feeling like a failure



What happened?

Sent from my SM-G935P using Tapatalk

----------


## 1

Bored

----------


## jpennell1008

Let down. I've been trying to leave the house since this morning and have now wasted the entire day. 

Sent from my SM-G935P using Tapatalk

----------


## L

Meh....

----------


## Cuchculan

Hate this time of year. It should be banned.

----------


## L

> Hate this time of year. It should be banned.



Oh really, why?

----------


## Cuchculan

No real reason. Just a Summer person.

----------


## SmileyFace

nervous about tomorrow's surgery

----------


## InvisibleGuy

A lot of mixed emotions right now. Mostly very, very worried about a friend of mine who is going thru a whole, whole lot of health problems. Someone I've never met in real life but consider to be a very close friend.

----------


## Otherside

> Can't believe I'm still around....



Hugs. Hope you feel better soon. 

Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Pretty upset. I just got off a conference call from work and our job descriptions keep changing. I have well over 100 stores in the Houston area, more than anyone else, and they want us to spend less than 45 minutes in each store now.

Good luck with that. Good luck finding ANYONE, I MEAN ANYONE that can get real results in 45 minutes per store per month. That is ridiculous. And I didn't say a damn thing on the conference call we had, but some of my team members did. That is IMPOSSIBLE. I just wanted to tell my boss to go fuq herself. I really, really had to bite my tongue.

----------


## SmileyFace

> Hope it went well...



It went well. Recovering now.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling good. I went to my doc and got new meds today for my stomach problems. Hopefully these will actually help. On top of that I did ten stores today, which is a record for me. Today was pretty good for a Monday.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling very worried about someone I consider to be a close friend. She's battling all kinds of reeeeally scary health problems right now. I wish I was there to give her real (((hugs))) instead of hugs over the phone or chat.

I've done nothing, nothing all day today while at work but think of her, and pray for her. I was pretty slow at work today lol. Making mistakes. I couldn't get my mind off of her. Please God let everything be OK. If there is a God......

----------


## Cuchculan

Not too bad. Could be worse. Could be better.

----------


## Cuchculan

Didn't sleep at all last night. Awake all night. Happens from time to time.

----------


## 1

Unmotivated

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Worried about my mom, she's in the hospital again. She has so, so many health problems. I'm worried about my mom, and my dad and how he's dealing with all this. I feel so helpless. There's nothing I can do except visit her, and offer to help however I can.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling good. My mom is doing a lot better, hospital is trying to find the cause. She's stable now and is feeling a lot better.

I had an awesome time with my kids tonight. We did batting practice at MinuteMaid Park. Was a lot of fun. I hit two into the outfield. Pretty good basehits. My son did pretty well. I tried but couldn't get my girls to do it, they were too chicken. That field is just HUGE when you're down there behind home plate. It seems like miles to the outfield.

----------


## JamieWAgain

I feel very sad. I cry when I’m alone and I don’t know why.

----------


## 1

BOred

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm overall feeling pretty good.

It's hard to describe how I'm even feeling sometimes, because I'm always dealing with the fuqing grief, it never, ever ends, it never takes a day off.

I have issues that I have a hard time dealing with and they catch up to me sometimes, they sneak up behind me and bite me in the ***. I'm trying though. I'm going to my therapist. I'm taking my meds. I'm "adulting" even on days when I don't feel like getting out of bed.

I have a lot of fuqing issues to deal with, that's the thing, and I know everyone has issues, but there are three major ones I can't seem to get a handle on. The abuse from my mom when I was a kid. The suicide I witnessed 4/23/12, who was my soulmate. And my cheating ex-wife lol.

If I could get past those three things life would be just amazing but I don't see it happening anytime soon. Or. Ever.

----------


## JamieWAgain

Maybe you can start by just taking it one step at a time. I’m sorry your mother abused you. That’s horrible. Maybe start there. 

I’m feeling stronger. I have to be strong.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I appreciate the feedback, and I'm not assuming you're offering to feel sorry for me in any way, I don't want that. I don't want anyone's pity, I just want to get better, I just want to get well.

I guess it's a journey not a destination. I just....I get so, so tired of dealing with the same issues. I started talking to my first therapist about my mom when I was 15 years old, that was over 30 years ago. And I'm still dealing with it, now. I've been dealing with it for over 30 fuqing years.

I guess the best I can do is just keep taking pills and keep going to therapy. That sounds like....giving up. But maybe that's the best I can do, idk.

The frustrating, aggravating part of all of this that just makes me want to rip my hair out is.....I think I've made progress with some of this and then a few months or years later I find myself right back where I was, years ago. Guess all you can do is like I said stay in therapy and stay on meds lol.

----------


## JamieWAgain

For me, acceptance helps. I accept that I was powerless, used and abused. It’s the best I can do because I can’t change it. But every time I try to pretend that all was fine something happens to me. Too hard to describe. It happened and we all wish it didn’t. Especially me.  Anyway, that’s how I handle things in my darkest moments. Otherwise I’ll try something stupid. Good night IG.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling awesome, having a great weekend with my kids and parents. I helped my dad put up outside lights last weekend. The kids and my dad and I worked on the inside this weekend....put up the tree, 9 foot snow village, manger scene, and put 2 or 3 Christmas themed stuffed animals in every room. Their house looks pretty good.

Also got in 2 or 3 hours of exercise playing hoops in driveway.

Last night we all watched National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and we all died laughing, it's been twenty years since I've seen that movie.

I can't say I'm "getting in the Christmas spirit". I'm missing family and friends that have passed away in the last several years. Missing them more each day as Christmas gets closer. But it's really nice to be with the family I have this time of year.

----------


## 1

Lazy af

----------


## Cuchculan

Getting over a Gastro Intestinal Infection. The fun of it all.

----------


## CloudMaker

Happy to hear that net neutrality is finally coming to an end..... now providers can prioritize IMPORTANT traffic instead of things like facebook!!

----------


## 1

Board

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm feeling good, overall. I don't care for the holidays much, tbh, over the last few years, but right now I'm feeling good.

I have kids that love me, and I'm truly blessed for that. I have parents and other family that love me and I'm blessed for that. I have a roof over my head, and all that I need, much, much more than I need, and most of what I want and for that I'm truly blessed. I'll be giving my kids most of what they want for Christmas (except for the Mustang GT).

I've got a one week paid  vacation coming up. I have a one week vacation coming up, on top of that, in the Bahamas, on the world's biggest cruise ship, less than a year from now. I am blessed. I have nothing to complain about.

So.

The things that really matter, are taken care of. The things that really matter have been answered by my prayers.

The things that don't matter.....

people that pout, and throw immature insults, and play mind games.

They don't matter.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

In fact, I'm feeling pretty awesome  ::):

----------


## InvisibleGuy

And.

Amen, man. Amen.

----------


## 1

Tired

----------


## InvisibleGuy

numb. I don't even know. Scared. Tired.

Really scared.

----------


## Koalafan

Very well lately. I have been very impressed by the results of Lexapro so far. Let's keep this up!  ::D:

----------


## InvisibleGuy

idk.

numb.

idk anymore.

I'm tired. I'm worried.

I'm tired of worrying.

I have so, so many conflicted emotions.....

i'm a fuqing hurricane, a trainwreck right now.

I've already gone over it and over it and over it in chat

and everyone is probably sick of hearing about it now.

I am beyond worried. I don't know what to do.

And I'm scared.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm so scared right now.

----------


## 1

Dang sick

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm feeling much better. So, so, so much better than I was. My mom is home. She called me. It looks like she's gonna be alright. For now.

I've done a complete 180 after getting some sleep.

I'm feeling amazing compared to how I was.

I just need to get off my butt and go to the stores and finish up Christmas shopping. I don't mind so much going to my stores when I work. I mind it when I have to fight the crowds this time of year. But hey, it's all good.

I'm blessed with kids that love me and parents that love me. I have a job that I love. That's changed recently but....it really hasn't changed that much. Pay is the same. Hours are the same. I'm still as independent as I was and I'm still gonna have almost as many stores.

I need to remember I'm blessed. I really am. Things could be a whole, whooooole lot worse.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

you know....the only thing that kind of bothers me a little is how.....some people that struggle with anxiety seem to have so, so little compassion for others going through the same thing. Lets just say for the sake of argument that it's not anyone on this site. I know people irl who struggle with anxiety.

It amazes me tho how callous and cold and dead some people can be....and they're that way to people who are going through the same struggles as they are.

That just amazes me. I'm beyond words lol. But hey it is what it is.

Leave the people out of your life that are no good for you, that are negative and bad news. Try to let those in that are positive and try to help and have some compassion.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'll just reserve some of my comments for a later time. I know a couple of people who are like this irl, and a few on the internet (this is not the only site I'm on so.....yeah, it's uhm, not anyone from here). *cough

I had a friend I met up with that I met on the internet. We kind of had feelings for each other. Well, I did, definitely. She did too. But she got cold feet. This was a few years ago.

Anyway we talked for hours, hundreds of hours. We sent each other pictures. When we finally met up I was a little anxious.

And you know what's funny is.....she kind of called me out on that. Even tho she was anxious as hell. She called me out about being anxious when I was in her house, during the first five minutes we met ffs, and she was reeeeally anxious herself. That always struck me as being a really strange thing to do. Maybe she was kind of projecting onto me how she felt? Idk. I never brought it up. I just dropped it, let her make her comment and didn't say much, and we moved on. We relaxed after that. We actually got into her bed and laughed and talked and messed around and it was like we had been together forever after that.

----------


## Cuchculan

I bet you are glad you didn't drive off that cliff.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> I bet you are glad you didn't drive off that cliff.



Well lol if you're referring to me, then yes. I know lots and lots of people that suffer from anxiety and depression, that feel like driving off of cliffs at times. I've known tons that have felt like that. It's not unheard of. In fact it's pretty common.

I think it's sort of how anxiety plays out sometimes. And of course it plays out very differently for everyone. But I think, in fact I know, that a lot of people that struggle with anxiety and depression have thoughts like that.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Really worried. Really scared. Feeling very, very helpless right now. I don't know what to do. I got a text msg from my dad this morning, about my mom, that just sent tears down my face, I don't know what to do. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I just....want to feel numb, I want the worrying to go away. I want her to get better, and she's just not, she is fuqing going downhill in so many different ways now. She's not recognizing my dad, at times. She's not making sense. Now it's more psychological, she's babbling and doesn't know where she is. She can't remember her own last name. She can't remember the days of the week. She can't remember her own birthdate.

I don't know what to do for her, or for my dad, who is trying to care for her.

I wish sometimes I could just disappear, I really do, I wish sometimes I just had a new family, a new mom, a new life, cos I'm not very good at dealing with all of this. I'm trying. I really am. I just.....am helpless right now. There's NOTHING I can do except watch her when I visit, or get updates when I'm at home, about how she's in this downward spiral.

I'm scared. I'm really, really scared.

----------


## Otherside

I feel lke raging at the world. That's how I feel. 

There was nothing that could have been done to prevent this, everything that could have been done was done. But I still just feel angry and just want to rage.

----------


## 1

Bored

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Worried. My mom is still in the hospital. She was in the week before Christmas. Home for Christmas Eve. Then landed right back in the hospital, didn't even make it to Christmas morning.

The upside is she's getting the all clear from cardiologist and her regular doc, and the neurologist.

Bad news is they're trying more psych drugs, and I know from experience that's often just a shot in the dark. I swear sometimes psychiatrists just guess about which meds might work. Is all trial and error.

Giving her some serious sedatives, trying to help her sleep.

Psychiatrist says if she can just give the meds a few days to kick in, and get some real sleep, her brain should sort of "reset". Should start feeling normal again, slowly. God I hope so. Coming up on week three of her being in the hospital.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Actually feeling pretty good this morning, all things considered.

People I work with, my boss (all of them) are leaving everyone alone so far lol. Everyone's in the same boat this morning. Holidays are over and no one wants to be freezing their asses off to make it back to work.

So far the mood is "just leave me alone, do your job, and let's get through today.

I couldn't be happier about that lol.

----------


## 1

Ok

----------


## 1

Crap

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Ugh.......

come on dammit. Feeling inpatient. Frustrated.

One of the worst parts of my job is I need to have a suitcase packed, pretty quick. I'm in outside sales. If I need to book a hotel out of town or out of state, I need to do it pretty quick.

Come on, man. Let me know where I'm gonna be the rest of the week / next week.

Call me. Tell me what's going on. I hate not knowing lol.

I get paid really well for being on the road. I get a car allowance, plus mileage. And yeah you'd better believe we fluff it up, we pad it a little bit. I get pretty decent, and sometimes reeeally nice hotels. And mileage. And a ridiculous per diem for meals. But come on man, let me know where I'm gonna be......the not knowing drives me crazy sometimes.

----------


## 1

The flu...

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Still feeling restless. Getting paid to sit on my *** this week, and do.....not much. Pretty close to nothing.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> The flu...



Hope u feel better 1

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm feeling really well, really blessed.

I'm going out of town with my boss tomorrow. We have separate hotel rooms. I know how to do this job....with my eyes closed. I can do this. It will probl'y be less than eight hour days. Then back to the hotel. A nice hotel. Meals paid for. I'll be getting mileage, even tho I'm riding in my boss' truck lmao. [BEEP] it. Everyone else does it lol.

----------


## 1

Ok

----------


## sunrise

Tired

----------


## fetisha

disgusted with myself

----------


## Otherside

Full of energy, bored, tense, on edge, hyper-alert and hypersensitive to everything. And just really really mind-numbingly fucking bored.

----------


## Hexagon

I haven't been here in ages... struggling a lot lately with anxiety and loneliness in general. I've been spending a lot of time to myself, and it's getting to me. I feel like I can't connect with anyone whatsoever, despite my earlier efforts but they all didn't work out or lead to anything, so I've been retreating again. I feel like I need someone to talk to.

----------


## Otherside

> I haven't been here in ages... struggling a lot lately with anxiety and loneliness in general. I've been spending a lot of time to myself, and it's getting to me. I feel like I can't connect with anyone whatsoever, despite my earlier efforts but they all didn't work out or lead to anything, so I've been retreating again. I feel like I need someone to talk to.



Hey, I remember you! Welcome back.  ::): 

Sorry to hear you're feeling rough. Feel free to drop me a message if you ever want to talk. Or rant on site.

----------


## fetisha

feeling weird, worried about this acute scratchy throat and super paranoid again

----------


## Hexagon

> Hey, I remember you! Welcome back. 
> 
> Sorry to hear you're feeling rough. Feel free to drop me a message if you ever want to talk. Or rant on site.



Thanks.

I've just been feeling really lonely lately despite my best efforts to stave it off. I can usually keep myself occupied, but sometimes it really hits me hard. Like these past couple of days.

----------


## fetisha

insane lol

----------


## Otherside

I seem to be having a sudden dip in mood once again for no obvious reason that makes absolutely no sense because there is a few reasons why I shouldn't be having this sudden feeling of everything is [BEEP] and I feel like shit. Also struggling to eat which is a bad sign.

----------


## fetisha

feeling stalked and followed as always..

----------


## fetisha

super depressed, I realized I'm a fu*kgirl myself.

----------


## Kopekuko

Today I feel tired like really really tired. Lately I can't stay awake u.u Zzzzz

Enviado desde mi Moto G Play mediante Tapatalk

----------


## 1

Ok

----------


## tinman

> super depressed, I realized I'm a fu*kgirl myself.



What?s that ? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

----------


## Otherside

Absolutely fucking exhausted, embarrassed, pissed off. And that's irritating urge that everything has to be solved now ffs. 

Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk

----------


## 1

Lazy

----------


## Otherside

> Lazy



Same issue here. :/

Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Rejuvinated  ::):

----------


## 1

Unmotivated

----------


## JamieWAgain

Sunburned and therefore itchy. 
Also, happy.

----------


## tiffvienna

Lazy and bored


Verzonden vanaf mijn iPad met Tapatalk

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Triumphant. Empowered. Liberated.   :Rofl:   ::D:   ::): 

My therapist has a very, very bad habit of abusing her authority lately, of talking down to people, and changing the rules in our groups whenever she sees fit. I've had it. She also likes to make these power plays. For example, today she no-showed at our one-on-one appointment at 9:00. She just didn't show up. Her office was locked. She later told me we were going to reschedule it for 11:30.

I no-showed at 11:30 hehehe

We are all supposed to have an assignment ready for tomorrow, no excuses. I have one ready, but I'm not gonna share. And I'm totally prepared to explain why. She's not gonna want to hear what I have to say, but she's gonna hear it lol.

I'm ready to go 12 rounds with her, if she wants to be like this. She does not play well with others. She is instigating conflict and arguments, and provoking people in our group, people that are there for recovery. She is hindering people's recovery. She is on some sort of power trip, and I'm not the only one that's way past fed up with it.

----------


## tiffvienna

Anxious


Verzonden vanaf mijn iPad met Tapatalk

----------


## 1

Ok

----------


## Otherside

I feel everything.

I feel as though I've never felt more alive and I can't believe I've been trying to dull all of this for the last four years. I feel as though I'm faster, as if everything's just sharper and better and I've been seeing in 2d for the last few years and all of a sudden, someone's just switched on a light in my brain and I can just see in perfect technicoloured 3d. I'm just alive. That's how I feel. Alive, and I don't want to stop. I don't want any of this to stop. I don't want me to stop.

----------


## Koalafan

Doing okay. Got through my to-do list which I consider a success! Been trying to organize my time better since it's so easy for me to run off course and zone out. Timers and To-Do Lists are becoming absolute musts for me to stay on task.

----------


## ChasingBalloons

Anxious, jittery, sad, tired.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm tired, it's been a long day. I pulled out in my car to start work this morning to the sounds of my front end going out. To add insult to injury the power steering went out also, at the same time. Fuqme.

Strut mount, front - $172.40, strut assembly front right - $139.64, strut assembly front left - $140.20, P/S pressure hose - $316.23, control arm - $117.00, strut assembly, left & right - $234.00, power steering hose - $153.00, alignment $72.00, labor $550.00, grand fqing total $1,500 give or take.

I'm not getting ripped off lol. I got a couple of estimates. I think it's time to trade it in. It has 180K miles, and could go for another 100K easily, but I just don't want the repair bills. I'm gonna miss this car  ::(:

----------


## Relle

Irritated

----------


## Otherside

Sort of good mood at the moment. Had three job interviews Wednesday. (Yes. Same day, lol). Wednesday was a weird day. 

- company number one wants to hire me. Not been given offer yet for internship, but have ended up with a "come back when you graduate" regardless of whether I get one or not. Also, possible sponsorship for the last year of my degree.
-Company number two wants me to travel into head office next week to see the boss. 
- Company number three seems Interested. Haven't heard back from them yet, but eh.

----------


## AmberHearts

Shitty

----------


## AmberHearts

We can curse here!?!!?!?!?!!?!

----------


## Otherside

Anxious. Got to see a new psych tomorrow.

----------


## fetisha

annoyed, my inner ears wont stop itching after using a qtip.

----------


## 1

Not too bad

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Pretty good. Life is good. My kids are good. My job is good. My homies are OK. I'm OK

All is good with my world. I'm blessed.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling awesome  ::): 

Yesterday was a really good day. I did some digging at one of my stores and found a huge boo-boo from one of our suppliers. It was something they overlooked in one of their products, and it ended up getting shipped to our customers. I took pictures and emailed my boss, and he passed it onto his boss and the rest of our team and thanked me. That was pretty awesome.

I met all my monthly deadlines yesterday so today is pretty much a free day. Planning on re-visiting a few stores. Should be an easy day.

----------


## Cuchculan

As a gardener, always my thing, I am paying a person to do a lot of heavy cutting out the back. Go on. Call me a lazy gardener. His price was excellent. I would have charged 5 times what he is charging. Hence I let him do the work in our garden.

----------


## fetisha

scared, depressed, paranoid and annoyed

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling pretty good for a Monday. It is so nice to be able to plan my own schedule (I think I'll work 9-3 today) and plan my own route, my own stores, go at my own pace, and work alone. I never would've thought it, but outside sales is the perfect career for me. Yeah there's some interaction with store managers, but it's only at certain times of the year and it's all pretty much scripted. I've got some small displays I need to put up today, and those will go towards my bonus. Onward and upward.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling good this morning. I watched a movie last night, that ended around 9:00. Then I fell asleep lol, and slept the whole night. Was the best night's sleep I've had in a long time.

I think I was exhausted from the whole jury duty thing I had to go to yesterday. I spent a whole lot of time (hours) talking with the ladies seated to my left and right...we all know each others life stories lol...and I think socializing and talking for that long just wore me out. I'm not used to doing that. For someone with anxiety disorders, socializing, talking for that long can be exhausting. Don't get me wrong it was awesome to be able to talk to them, just left me very tired and in need of some alone time.

Anyways feeling awesome this morning. This week is flying by, can't believe it's already Thursday and the weekend is just around the corner.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

Manic

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## InvisibleGuy

Feeling awesome. I needed a zero-obligations, totally free weekend. Cleaned my apartment. Catching up on my reading list. And Assassin's Creed II. Watching Astros vs Rangers.

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## InvisibleGuy

Feeling good, feeling blessed. I've been up and down today, though. I can't stop thinking about my ex, the one that died. I don't know if it's the recent suicides in the news, or what. But I'll be at work, building displays or taking care of issues with my product lines, and I'll realize that I've been thinking about her for the last ten minutes. I just....get really lost in thought when I think about her and it can come out of nowhere sometimes. No triggers. Nothing that I'm aware of that sets it off. Or maybe there is something, and I'm just not aware or not paying attention. Sometimes (often) they're like flashbacks. Sometimes just me remembering her, and wishing she was still here, and missing her. More than I've ever missed anyone in my entire life.

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## InvisibleGuy

Feeling awesome. I'm finished with all my stores at work, and it's just a little more than halfway through the month. Going to call my boss this morning and see who needs help. I know a couple of people on our team went on vacation earlier in the month so help will def be needed. I've also accumulated over $100 in tax-free bonuses so far this month. So far so good. Things could not be going better.

----------


## MissL

Sleepy and sleepless...and a bit anxious or angry, I'm not sure which one. But my chest feels tight and I just feel sad...oh well.

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## InvisibleGuy

Feeling good, has been a good day so far. Fourth of July was a rainout here, so I've spent the day getting caught up on movies and my reading list. Talked to my kids earlier and they're doing pretty much the same, that and video games oc.

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## JamieWAgain

Right this moment my grief has turned to anger. I FEEL ANGRY. THE ALL CAPS KIND OF ANGER. Anger at myself and yeah GOD, I FEEL ANGER AT YOU TOO. THANKS FOR NEVER LISTENING TO MY PRAYERS.  ::(:

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## fetisha

weird

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## JamieWAgain

Better

----------


## SadAndIsolated

I feel trapped at the computer but I'm braking the chains and going to the shower.

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## fetisha

more depressed since its morning now and I think pms is about to began -____________-

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## JamieWAgain

I feel so sad. I feel ... sigh. 
I feel very, very tired on the inside pieces of me. My heart is tired. 
I smile all day but my heart is tired and my eyes are sad.

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## InvisibleGuy

> I feel so sad. I feel ... sigh. 
> I feel very, very tired on the inside pieces of me. My heart is tired. 
> I smile all day but my heart is tired and my eyes are sad.



I'm so sorry Jamie. I'm here if you want to talk. Or just need someone to vent to.

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## SadAndIsolated

Weird, I don't feel well.  My stomach is bothering and my thoughts are spinning.

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## fetisha

feeling like I want to cut myself again..

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## InvisibleGuy

Feeling good. I don’t have my kids this weekend, so decided to spend it with parents, and some extended family. It’s been a good weekend so far.

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## InvisibleGuy

Feeling really good esp for a Monday morning. Is nice to have a flexible schedule.

Idk why I go off my meds sometimes. I think it's a thought process that a lot of people that are on mood stabilizers and anti-anxiety meds and antidepressants have. You start to feel really stable, really good even, you start to feel "normal" (whatever that is) and you think you don't need the meds anymore. Which....is partly true. If you've been on them for any real length of time then your body, your brain is used to having them in your system and you feel fine. You just can't stop taking them. It sounds like a no-brainer but it's something that millions of people on those meds struggle with...is not just me.

Anyways I feel really good so far today. Not manic or anything like that. Just really good....I feel like I'm gonna be OK lol. And the eight different scripts I have are altogether less than $100...that's awesome. My insurance is good for something after all. I believe they're close to a thousand dollars without.

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## Cuchculan

Acid Reflux again. Which always brings an infection of the insides these days. Bloody annoying. Have to get some horrible medication tomorrow. As the infection part didn't start till today. Thought I was over it. Than ' whack '. Pain. No sleep for a few nights. What a life.

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## fetisha

horrible and suicidal, I wish my period end now

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## InvisibleGuy

Feeling incredibly awesome. I had an amazing weekend, and was too busy to actually post here, which means I got outside of my own head. Had a really good time with my kids and parents and other family.

Weekend ended with my daughter and I going to The House of Blues here in Houston. I got her standing room only tickets for our daddy/daughter date night...to see The Dead Dead's, TenYears and Seether. SRO tickets are the best at that venue....we were fifth row from the stage. At one point Jesse Hasek, the lead singer of TenYears, stage dived and then crowd surfed right over me and my daughter lmao. It was just...awesome. Was one of the best shows I've ever been to. We both got some incredible pics and video.

Last night is something me and my daughter will always, always remember. Memories were made. It was the first real concert she'd ever been to, and I told her they don't get much better than that lol.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

Disappointed and frustrated, not to mention a subtle bubbling rage.

At least it's shark week.

----------


## 1

Bord

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## Cuchculan

Hot

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Awesome  ::):

----------


## JamieWAgain

Sad

----------


## Otherside

I feel like screaming. Nothing is ever going to change. 

I will forever be stuck dealing with this. There will never be  cure. 

Go ahead, mock me for this, once again. Makes you feel better, right?

----------


## Koalafan

> I feel like screaming. Nothing is ever going to change. 
> 
> I will forever be stuck dealing with this. There will never be  cure. 
> 
> Go ahead, mock me for this, once again. Makes you feel better, right?



 :Hug:   :Hug:

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## Cuchculan

Sore. First day back out in 3 weeks.

----------


## fetisha

ok now since I just had breakfast

----------


## 1

W/e

----------


## fetisha

depressed,crappy,moody and hot

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## InvisibleGuy

Tired and sore. I helped my aunt and uncle move into their new house in Lake Livingston. Well, actually they're not moved in yet. But we got a really good start today. They have an absolutely beautiful, awesome house with a view of the lake, two balconies, four bedrooms, two bathrooms. I don't know how they got the deal they did. The price per sq foot is ridiculously low. There are no drawbacks, at all. It's a beautiful, nice neighborhood. A huge stone fireplace that takes up almost an entire wall in the living room. A full bar. A pantry and walk in closets almost big enough to live in lol. I'm really happy for them. They're moving from what used to be a nice neighborhood that has really taken a turn for the worse in the last few years. They so deserve this.

So yeah, I'm very tired and very sore, but for a good cause lol. I burned off some calories today.

----------


## fetisha

annoyed (allergies)

----------


## fetisha

feeling stupid..

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## InvisibleGuy

I'm feeling good. Feeling blessed. I had a really good weekend with my kids and parents.

I'm starting to feel somewhat more rested now, finally....this past week just left me fucking exhausted. Might sound strange but the first appointment with my new psychiatrist Friday just wore me out. I had a lot of anticipatory anxiety, a lot of stress during and even after the appointment but overall it went really well, aside from leaving me tired mentally, physically, all over lol. I got into some really deep stuff that I don't hardly ever talk about to anyone anymore, ever. Even not much on here anyway. Mostly was about my ex-gf's suicide. I have a very difficult time going into that with anyone I trust because I still have an incredible amount of guilt and it brings up some feelings that are truly just overwhelming. It's a devastating trauma that I can't hardly get into anymore. I think my psychiatrist could see it in my face, my demeanor....I was trying but I was very uncomfortable talking about it. I feel like I could've, should've done something else to stop her. I don't know what, but something. I really felt like she was OK when we went to bed that night. She fell asleep first, I made sure of it. I thought she was fine. I knew she was hurting but I also knew, was convinced that she was OK. Dear God we talked for a loooong time before she went to sleep.

I know I was visibly upset. It's the first time I've talked about the suicide without losing it to some extent. I know, I know he could tell I was trying really hard to keep my composure. I can't go into it in any more detail than I have in this post without having flashbacks, and well, I have had some already. It changed me, forever and I think my new shrink knows that....he just wasn't willing to push me on it anymore in our first appointment. And I'm glad he didn't, if he had I most likely would never go back. I've done that before.

Anyways I'm glad I have tomorrow off. I need another day. Not want, but need. I need to pick up my car from the shop tomorrow. Run errands. Take care of some things. Just get back to normal, or some sense of normal. It might be quite a while before I can even bring up my ex again, Idk. I feel....shaken up, even still. But at the same time feel like I'm getting back to a somewhat normal state of mind.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling good.

My dad is enjoying his retirement and that makes me really happy. He has zero debt. He and my mom live in a very nice home in a nice part of town and it's all paid off, he has a $400K RV that is paid off, he has tons of disposable income. He also just qualified for VA disability. He was drafted in Vietnam, while my mom was pregnant with me. He is one of the very, very few men from his platoon to come home alive. Almost all of his buddies have names on the Memorial Wall. Anyway he just qualified for disability, which he should have, and that will help them out a little every month. My paternal grandfather was a gunner on one of the biggest ships in WWII and he qualified for disability for hearing loss.

I have the utmost respect for anyone that has served. They're the reason I'm even here and able to type this.

Anyway he's at a ballgame right now. In good seats. Having a beer. With his friends. Enjoying retirement. I really do not know of anyone more deserving. This man worked 12 hour days to get where he was, and he did it for years.

----------


## Doseone

Pretty good.

----------


## fetisha

Somewhat annoyed. I think the soap I'm using is making me itch so much, especially on my face.

----------


## fetisha

confused, worried, somewhat relieved, and depressed

----------


## Otherside

Anxious as heck. Heading back to work tomorrow for the first time since I got sick, and it's making me nervous.

----------


## Otherside

Week three of a down. I thought this had lifted but I'm guessing not given by the shite I'm going through tonight. 

I'm in pain, I can't eat, I spend half the time freezing cold and I can barely move. I'm going to work, I'm coming home. I'm isolated here. My mood is just fabulous. I can't figure out what's going on anymore. This stupid social experiment whereby I get together with a bunch of people, bond, make friends for life and somehow they become an epic support network where my mental health and life improves as a result has backfired dramatically. And I'm just, failing. 

I can't see what's even happening anymore. It's just...me and everything around me makes no sense. I don't know what's even happening I just want this to all stop.

I just can't keep doing this. Dipping every now and then and knowing that these dips will just happen again and again and again. Because there's absolutely no cure and I'm stuck with this for life. I can't deal with this for the rest of my life. 

Something honestly just feels as though it has to give. 

Sent from my FIG-LX1 using Tapatalk

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## Cuchculan

There are times when we try too hard. I am guilty of that one. Is like we know what is expected of us and that is were we must end up or we fail. Or so we can tell ourselves. Reality we will never end up at that place we think we are meant to end up at. So no matter what we are always going to feel like we failed. Forget were you think others expect you to be at and the heights you think they expect you to reach. Never set any goals like that at all. Ones that will never be reached. Is like me saying I am going to head out next month and go to a concert. That would never happen. Some might say it can if I work towards that goal. That is adding pressure. Pressure we don't need. Spur of the moment things are better. I seriously never make any plans to do anything at all. So if I do something I feel good about it. If I do nothing I have not failed myself or anybody else around me. Because I never said I was going to do anything. I am one for just taken off on the spur of the moment. That way I have no time to think about anything in advance. Which is another thing that always sets us up to fail. We have this major goal, we think about it. Not in a good way. More like ' what if I don't meet expectations '. The anxiety starts to build up. It fecks us up bad and we end up much worse. 

As for living the life we have? Same thoughts have crossed my mind many times. Is this it for the rest of my life? Again the kind of thinking that brings us further down. Yes this is our life. It sucks big time. When we stop and think about it. Or when we fail at doing something. Hence I say feck goals and feck thinking. I never know what tomorrow will hold. Will I be in pain? I will only know tomorrow. I get a lot of pain from acid reflux. What it does to my insides. Do have something I can take if I need it. But I hate taken it. It can help with any pains. Once in pain I all but stop eating. One fecked up life when things are going bad. Always wondered how I ever ended up this bad? Then I say FECK IT. I am here now. How I got here will not solve anything at all. So I get on with my little ways in my fecked up days. Good days are good. Bad ones can run into weeks. Easier to fall downwards than it is to climb back up. It can seem like all we are ever doing is climbing back up only to fall back downwards again. But continue to climb we will. Because that is who we are.

----------


## fetisha

weird

----------


## HypnoticTrance

Like a dick for having vanished out of the blue from here a couple years ago despite meeting a few cool folks here.

Also feeling quite lonely and plan on once again frequenting various SA communities in hopes of building up a bit of a support network to give and receive support. I've made improvements in the last few years, but there's more to be done.

----------


## Otherside

No need to apologize, come and go as you need/want  ::):  

Glad to feel you've made some improvements. Hope that continues for you. 

Sent from my SM-G960F using Tapatalk

----------


## fetisha

Sleepy and irritable (I just woke up)

----------


## Doseone

Really good. Finally got around to filing my taxes. The first time I actually don't owe due to not having insurance. For 2017 I was only partially covered for the year and wasn't at all for the previous year. Today is also supposed to be on the okay side and spring is just around the corner.  ::):

----------


## fetisha

Angry

----------


## 1

It's w/e

----------


## fetisha

I feel so unloved on earth.

----------


## JamieWAgain

Fetisha ((((((Hugs)))))

I feel super happy on one hand and super angry on the other. I didn?t know this was possible. 
Happy in my life and angry at a particular person and also angry with the direction our country is headed.

----------


## fetisha

^I have morning depression at times thats why I said that earlier now I'm feeling fusturated and tired.

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## CeCe

> Like a dick for having vanished out of the blue from here a couple years ago despite meeting a few cool folks here.
> 
> Also feeling quite lonely and plan on once again frequenting various SA communities in hopes of building up a bit of a support network to give and receive support. I've made improvements in the last few years, but there's more to be done.



good to see u back I like your avatar  ::):

----------


## fetisha

irritated and moody

----------


## Cuchculan

Happy to be home in my own house.

----------


## fetisha

Annoyed, my stomach keeps hurting after having full meals so I try to eat less but that can be unhealthy.

----------


## Nyctophilia

I feel very alone, now I've lost what little sense of community I had.

----------


## Bbrate

> I feel very alone, now I've lost what little sense of community I had.



When I feel alone I come here.

----------


## CeCe

Bloated and in a horrible mood.

----------


## Nyctophilia

Resentful and angry.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Miserable

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