# Struggles and Support > Frustration and Struggles >  >  Dad?? What do I do ??

## PinkButterfly

My Dad is in the Hospital a few days ago he had a Mild Stroke after more testing his brain showed more than 1 stroke it showed multiple strokes well I am not able to go up and see him due to my own physical health and mental health mostly physical thanks to a bad back and a messed up head from brain surgery . I do feel guilty, sad, agitated and more because I was always there with him through everything in life I am 52 and he will soon be 73 he had a massive heart attack back in 2002 I stuck with him but he treated me like crap! he made me cry and shut the tv off the lights off which took me back to younger years with him we didn't have running water so we used an outhouse and we live in a small trailer I had to wash off in the sink carry the water from the spring and do laundry on a wringer washer and more because it was on my grandparents farm which was okay I didn't mind working I do think it made me OCD and more but it did make me one awesome worker..  

Later on down the road I had been in an abusive marriage so I left and needed a place to stay so me and my son went to dads and yes he did have running water and everything which he got as soon as I left home after I graduated ...anyway while me and my son where there HE SHUT THE PHONE OFF THE ELECTRIC OFF AND TREATED US HORRIBLE.. I was suffering bad but I do know by what he done made me get up and find a job and make sure my son was taken care of so I did just that but man did it hurt once again!!!

So here is the problem Dad doesn't listen he does what he wants and then gets mad at me over his own health its his fault that he abuses meds and doesn't see his doctors and lies non stop but I love him with all my heart and soul but I am not well at all myself and he will say JUST WAIT YOU WILL UNDERSTAND  I do Understand very well but he keeps acting like I haven't I have had several surgeries and I have been through a lot myself but what am I suppose to do?? I can NOT WIN!! I Watched my Mom die my Step Dad die and My brother died and then I have been with dad so many times HE NEVER ONCE CAME TO SEE ME WHEN I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL He did show up when I was in a car wreck and then said he had to go visit someone else and left ! He dropped my mom off when I was born he didn't even go in and mom was only 17!! He wasn't there when my brother was born when mom was 16 she was alone ..  I forgive Him I do but why does he want to keep me upset and start things and then act like a child and drive me crazier than I am lol... ughhhh 

I am not young and healthy and he just doesn't seem to get that and he tells people he liked to get me agitated! why?? why would you keep your child at any age upset??

I want to go back in time and change a lot of things but cant I want to bust my dads butt and tell him to grow up and stop being so bratty! I am scared of losing him and I will freaking lose it like I did losing my other family members..  ::(:  

GOD HOLDS ME UP PRAISE HIM !!! I AM TELLING ANYONE WHO READS THIS IF YOU NEED A CRUTCH A LIEFLINE ITS GOD!! ALL THE WAY!!  

I don't proof read and I don't worry about grammar lol as most know. .

God Bless you all , VENT OVER! lol

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## Cuchculan

My own late father had his odd ways. He too had a heart condition which would finally kill him. It was what he done in the years leading up to his death to help himself that is the mystery. NOTHING. He was a drinker. On lots of medication. Had a pace maker. Had heart surgery a few times. But drinking he just had to do. No talking sense into the man. We stopped trying long before that. In his own words, he was going to die some day. May as well go the way he likes. This is how some people can be. They think about themselves. Others around them can be invisible to them. We try and say anything we are doing wrong. The best you can do is ask him what he wants from life? He has had his warnings. Heart attack and a few strokes. He is getting no younger. Now only he can make his own mind up on life. That is exactly what he has to do. Make it clear you are a married woman with a family of your own now. In other words you are an adult. No longer a kid. You do love him. You want what is best for him. But he has to want the same things. Or else you or anybody else can not help him. It is as simple as that. 

You do have your bible. You do have your God. You have your prayers too. Let them be your guide. Sit down with your bible and pray / meditate. See what you see. What comes into your mind. Follow the path you know is best. In life we are always tested. Only last night on the radio I head a woman talking about conflicts and suffering in the world. Explaining them as the exact same feeling Jesus had on the cross. As he suffered and bled. What did he say? He asked God why he had forsaken him. This is what a lot of people can feel like at times. They would ask the exact same question. If you asked that question, remember Jesus asked it too. But it didn't stop him believing. It is a life you know so well. One that is the bible. One that is prayer. Stick to that path. The one you have always walked. As much as you might suffer, like Jesus, at times, I am sure you find comfort in your bible and in prayer too. 

Your father is the only person who can really help himself. You have done much for him in life. Of that you can take comfort. But he has ignored the many signs that were thrown his way. That is not your fault. Like my own father. They ignore the truth. Ignore what is in front of their eyes. Maybe in the next life they will both learn. Learn to see what was there in front of them. The people they were mean to. Those who wanted to help them. So rest easy. You have your own pains to deal with. Do you think if you ran to your dad he would change his ways? I don't. You can talk to him on the phone. Tell him how you feel. See what he has to say back. I am assuming he might frightened about now. Few strokes at his age. That would scare anybody. But ask him how he feels? Tell him how you feel. If you are frightened let him know. Nice heart to heart over the phone.

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## InvisibleGuy

(((hugs))) to you. You seem like a very strong woman TyeDyed. You seem to have more faith than I'll ever have in my lifetime.

Fwiw, I can't control manipulative, irrational, abusive people. All I can do is control, think about my reaction to them. Online that's very easy to do imo, I mostly just ignore, they're not worth the effort of engaging in the first place, usually.

In real life it can be more complicated of course, especially if they're a loved one or a family member. I've talked a lot here about how abusive and manipulative my mom can be. Without getting into details, she was...fucking mean, evil, just very, very cruel to me. I've never had a real relationship with her. I haven't had a real conversation with her since I was 12 years old. I mean, anything deeper than "hi how are you", or about the weather lol. I keep her at a distance. She's like a slippery snake. I hate to say that about my own mom, I'm very well aware of how that sounds. I love her very, very much because she's my mom, but I have to keep her at a distance. She has health problems and I always visit her in the hospital. If you can't visit your dad because of your own health problems, don't beat yourself up over it TyeDyed. You can only do what you can do.

*Learning how to love my abuser has got to be one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do in my entire life.* There is no instruction manual for how to do that. Even my therapists have struggled with how I should go about it. Imo it's not something that anyone who has never been abused will ever, ever understand. (((hugs))) again. Don't beat yourself up over this. At the same time, don't try to be someone you're not. You don't owe him anything. It's not up to you to MAKE him understand anything. You can't control his behavior. All you can do is control your reaction to it.

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## PinkButterfly

Thanks so much for the replies I am doing the best I can and listening to him which I have all my life and there is no getting through to him because he lies so much and knows he does and I don't know what is real and what isn't until I find out myself by asking the nurses and the doctors that he doesn't block me from asking . I can not fix him I can not fix anyone not even myself I have worked hard on doing better with my own anxiety and depression now I am working on getting what I need to for my Physical Health sadly my Dad doesn't think about me not being well or anyone else if you tell him you have something going then he has it also so I am waiting for him to have a total hysterectomy lol because I had one and his gallbladder removed lol.. then he will be caught up with me and yes he did go see if he had a Brain Tumor which he didn't and there were no TIA's on his brain but I am doubting he even did the MRI.. 

Right now he is getting the TEE done on his heart it will show if he needs the open heart surgery but he was all worked up so mad about no pain pills for his back which he says he doesn't take so why be mad??  I know he is lying and they did not do a drug screen of any kind which is odd because most do these days .

He is saying he is going home today and he doesn't care and if he has to have heart surgery they will need to move him because he doesn't want to stay where he is they are being mean to him which isn't true!! I CAN not go where he is because I am not well myself and he knows this but he wants someone there to argue with and to convince that he can go home and get him out . I refuse to do that even if I were well !!! I been down this road with him many times he thinks its everyone being mean to him and not him.. lol

I know my dad all to well and he knows that I wont be pushed to far before I break and lose my cool well I don't want to do that it stresses me out and him and he doesn't need and I don't need it. Dad has always been about Dad , he has done things like build beautiful wood crafts for me and others but the thing is he throws it up in your face year after year after year I have said take the crap back I don't need it Please because I do not want to hear it anymore and every party  I had he has to show his [BEEP] and make it hard on everyone he doesn't care it has to be about him or no one.. 

I love him and always will !! I believe in Loving and Forgiving but I do have to set boundaries with people now.  

I am so sorry you guys have went through what you have it isn't easy that is for sure. 
Thanks again and yes God will get me through any and all obstacles I face!! 

Jesus dies for me and shed his blood for me and I am so grateful but when I do think about it or when I have watched The Passion Of The Christ I lose it and say I am so sorry Jesus I so wish you had not been treated how you were and that so many do not realize exactly how much you did go through.  

God Bless you guys thanks!!

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## JamieWAgain

Hi Tye. I’m just reading this now and I’m so in awe over your responses. I was going to say DON’T GO. PROTECT YOURSELF. HE HAS BEEN HORRIBLE TO YOU. But than I read Cuch’s response and IG’s response and both responses have true, humbling words of wisdom. I do not like your father. Not one bit. ((((Hugs))))

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## PinkButterfly

Dad had his test done and No Open Heart Surgery Needed Thank God!!!

Dad is a character and he always has been and yes he stresses me out and doesn't care at all he has done it all my life so it is nothing new really but sure it bothers me and I would still be right there with him in the hospital but I am just not able to be. I go by what God says Honor thy Father and thy Mother so I have always done the very best I could and I still am with dad to a certain degree because of my own health . I love him very much but some days I just wanna run away from everyone and everything but I am not able to do that.

I have spent a lifetime of being a parent to my parents and to my friends and to our nephew when he needed a home . I got beat down worn out and drained by so many people through out my life. 

Dad is dad and I don't ever want to have him die and us be mad at each other so I do my best to get over being agitated and just pray and do self talk and vent lol... But I would LOVE to be able to pick a belt up like he did me when I was a kid and Bust his [BEEP]! lol but then I would feel horrible. 

Forgiveness is the only way to make yourself feel better and learn how to control our own thoughts and actions which is hard to do but more people need to try .  I wont change dad he will go to his grave upset with someone for no reason at all. I have never been the IT child those  were my brothers the druggies but I am the one who has done all I could for dad and mom and many others and I would do it all again because that is who I am. 

Thanks for the reply Jamie, Hope you are having a good day.

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## PinkButterfly

DAD is now on Oxygen he isn't doing so good he has the TIA's and now a Heart attack his vitals and labs are all out of whack and he is now saying He knows he is dying..  ::(:  I don't know what to do?? I have called and called the Nurses and they honestly have no clue what the Doc will do next , they have gave him more meds to help with things but they need to do a Angiogram to see if he is now having heart attacks this started right after the TEE test and early this morning he said he felt like he was dying and he is now saying he needs to stay so I know he is not good..  

My step sister is up there now and going to find out just exactly what they are doing I want him moved to a Bigger Better Hospital where he went when he had his massive heart attack in 2002 . I will not give up on making sure they check him out and do what they can to correct what they can before they actually send him home. 

Dad is rotten and can be down right mean but I love him and I forgive him and if I lose my Dad I will be so broken hearted I have lost way to many people I love already . I know my dad lived a very hard childhood and he never got over how his dad did him.  

Praying that My Dad pulls through this and comes home not to a Nursing Home that will put him in his grave he will not go too one and I don't want him too it was horrible for my Mom but I couldn't lift on her anymore my back was so bad I ended up in the floor crawling . I feel helpless .

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## TwerkinForTalos

I wish I knew how to help but I can only say what worked for me when I was in a similar situation. My mom was in the hospital for around 4 months a few years back, in a coma for three of them while on an ECMO machine due to necrotic pneumonia. The only thing that really helped me was to stay busy. Busy with the house, busy with my job at the time, busy taking care of the pets, busy with anything I could get my hands on. It took some of the pressure off. I know your situation is different but distraction in a situation where you can't really do much but stress over it is a life saver, imo.

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## Cuchculan

There comes a time when things are out of our hands. There is nothing we can do. Nature now takes its course. Which will mean you father will get better and end up in a nursing home till the end of his days. Or it won't reach that far. Only takes one stroke / heart attack to end a life. He has gotten this far after having a massive heart attack and a few strokes. Dare I use the words ' borrowed time '. Since his first heart attack, everything has been a bonus for him. Now you can only sit back and see what happens from here. I always say to expect the worst. That way if things work out good, it is a bonus for you. If things turn bad, you would have been expecting it. Toss of a coin from here. Come the end of the day he still your father. You only want what is best for him. No matter what has gone on in the past. The stronger person forgives. I know you don't hate him. Just ask the Lord to do what He thinks is best. If his time is up, then so be it. But we may get a few more years out of him just yet.

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## PinkButterfly

Thank for the replies I appreciate them on Tuesday I had talked to him many times and I knew it was time for him to go and after talking to the Doctor I was correct and Dad did know he didn't say it to me but he did too his sisters .. I talked to him everyday multiple times each day I could hear in his voice and I knew in my Heart he was not going back Home he made the comment to my Aunt he said I am so tired and just don't feel good and that he was ready to go....  When I got the call at 9:30 pm telling me that they had been coding him for 23 mins they asked if I wanted them to stop I screamed and threw the phone at my step sister and I just screamed and cried I LOST it I heard the nurse say we need to know if she wants us to stop I screamed YES! Stop .. they hung up I thought he was gone but no they still were doing CPR when they called and said he had passed as they had taken him to ICU... His heart would start beating again and then stop , Dad was stubborn so his heart went back and forth I do believe in my Heart and Soul he wasn't sure if he wanted to stay or go and finally he went at 9:45 pm.   

Lifeline Organ donation WOULD NOT release my Dads body to the Funeral Home the nurse in ICU said we can not release him until we hear from Lifeline I said WHAT are you talking about that is my Dad he has been now deceased for over 4 hours and you are telling me they have the rights to him not me !!! The guy said yes the Laws now are that even if you do not have it on your drivers license or a will or anything THEY still are in control these days I said THEY TOUCH ONE THING ON MY DADS BODY I WILL COME AFTER THEM AND YOU!! I was so mad because I had never discussed organ donation with dad and I didn't know what he would have wanted but with Dads body they could not have taken really anything because of his many health issues and I found many things I didn't even know about going through his papers so at 2am I get a call from Lifeline asking I Cut her off and Said NO several times then I asked just what exactly are you wanting??? I said he has laid there since 9:45 and it is now 2 am she said HIS EYES!! I said why he had bad vision she couldn't give me a real reason I said YOU do not remove my Dads eyes! or anything else ,if he had organs that could have been used YOU ARE  LITTLE LATE NOW AREN'T YOU! I then hung up on her . I believe in Organ Donation but they are now taking over your rights to donate or not.. so wrong!!

I made the arrangements and it is now done , tomorrow will be very hard on me and many others but I did not want my dad to live in a nursing home or have one side paralyzed from more strokes because he was already depressed from not living the life he was used too which was wood work and fishing, hunting, mowing grass , working on his cars, putting out a garden and so much more he couldn't do those anymore and his mental and physical health had been declining for years now . I am so glad he didn't have to go through what my MOM did.. Life goes on for him In Heaven and I will see him again and I do love him even when I couldn't stand him I still loved him.. 

His home... I had no clue how bad he had let things get over the years due to my agoraphobia and my own physical health I knew it was bad but after seeing the photos of outside and inside I am so hurt and sad and more because if I were well maybe I could have pushed harder and worked to make sure he didn't live in filth I watch the show Hoarders and it is exactly how he lived ,piles of trash everywhere inside and out the inside is sooooooooo horrible with mice, rats, bugs, mold and more I now know his mental health was even worse than I ever imagined .... My husband my step sister my son my dil have been working to get what needs to be sold out and removed from outside and its so bad they are having a hard time even breathing inside.. Mounds of coke cans I MEAN HUGE mounds inside and out he wasn't suppose to be drinking that and pills everywhere also some beer and whiskey which was shocking. 

I am still in a daze and I will be and then it will hit me hard next week when my husband is back at work and my step sister goes home and then I am all alone and not getting the daily phone calls from Dad, I forgave him over the years for things he had done and I will miss the Stinker and his stories and lies and just the craziness..

Dad is now out of pain mentally and Physically and I know so much better in Heaven than here in misery I also know he is up there chasing every woman he possibly can!! lol

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## TwerkinForTalos

I'm sorry for your loss.

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## Cuchculan

Finally at peace. But still a sad time for family and friends. My thoughts are with you all.

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## JamieWAgain

I’m so sorry tyedyedbutterfly. Gentle, gentle hugs.

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## PinkButterfly

Thanks everyone , God bless you !

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## InvisibleGuy

I'm so sorry for your loss TieDyed. (((hugs))) to you.

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## PinkButterfly

Thanks so much it means a lot . 

I am doing okay but it is starting to sink in and I am starting to cry more but I have no choice but to accept he is gone and now finally at peace and in a better place then here on Earth in pain. I will miss him even if he did drive me crazy most of my life but for the majority he did try and be as good as he could be he may have been selfish and childish and cruel at times but he also did have many good qualities and I do love him.  

I am glad the service is over I did really good leaving the house and going to the cemetery except on the way there my anxiety kicked in little bit and I had to get my Hubby to pull over and let me poop lol at a gas station so he gets me out in my wheelchair and he is agitated already because he just is lol anyway he lets go of my wheelchair and I go rolling down the incline and turn sideways and I gasp lol grabbed the wheels and pulled myself back up straight then we get inside and he ran me into the rack that holds bottles of booze hahahaa and my feet hit 3 bottles and I thankfully catch them with my feet set them back up right  and make it to the bathroom in time shewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... lol 
The service was very nice and very hot my cousin did the eulogy and my friends sang two songs they did amazing .. I sat there and right next to me were my Moms and my Brothers Headstones I then thought wow this spot is feeling up and I will be next...  

Standing near me was my younger brother who is just one nasty person he stood there with his arms crossed and his shades on and his two bandanas and people tried talking to him and all he would do is grunt he is mad at everyone he decided a long time ago that Dad was not his dad anymore and called him horrible vulgar names and said he hoped dad died well he got his wish and I didn't bother trying to get in touch with him he told me several months back to F OFF and yelled at me and then deleted me from facebook because I told him to stop yelling at me I am not well so that made him mad at me... Dad did all he could for my brother and as we all know you can give and give to someone on drugs and they keep taking so dad stopped giving and my brother was done with dad.. he blames everyone for his issues . I was scared he would say something with everyone there and I knew I would say something back but he didn't thankfully. 

Now to learn to live life with out my Dad.....

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## PinkButterfly

Thank you very much it means a lot ..

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