# Struggles and Support > Frustration and Struggles >  >  Detonation

## CeltAngel

Feeling extremely angry and betrayed. Doing all I can to hold on and not backslide the way my instincts are telling me to. Isolation seems powerfully enticing right now, but I don't want to go back to it because I could feel myself withering into nothingness when I was there. It's taking the last elements of trust I have in me to express this frustration into the void.... It all just feels so fucking futile.

Oh God, I just want to go further down that that line of thought, but I can't, I can't, I can't.... but it doesn't feel like there's any fucking alternative left on this planet. I'm so tired, I'm so sore.... I just want peace. I want a final fucking break from this never-ending cavalcade of bullshit perpetrated by the most rancid [BEEP] to walk the Earth masquerading as human.

I should stop now. I'm sorry.

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## Flavor

:Hug:

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## CeltAngel

Thanks, Jeannie.  :Hug:

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## Total Eclipse

I understand this a lot. Like too much  ::'(:  For me to feel safe someplace, I have to totally trust it. Which is HARD. The person dating me must have the patients of a saint. I am so avoidant at times that I need to be pulled out and reminded there are safe places, and people DO CARE, sometimes we find shitty situations on the way.  :Hug:  If you want to talk about it in more detail we are all here to listen  :group hug:

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## Lunaire

I’m sorry that you’re going through this struggle.  ::(: 

Let us know if you want to open up at all on it or vent a bit. We can act as your complaints department.  :stars:

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## CeltAngel

Thank you for being understanding... I also vented a little on my blog, but I'm not being very direct and right now I don't want to. I'll just accept your kind words and cry for a little bit.

Edit:

In recent times, I've suffered a series of betrayals which have left me with very, very little trust in anyone. The most notable of those was the breaking of a friendship with someone who had been close with me for most of my adult life.

I'm also feeling a touch over-emotional because I'm overtired and I'm still in the postdrome phase of the migraine I had yesterday, which just adds to my fragility.

Like with anyone, there are a lot of other factors that come into it, but I guess those are the most pressing matters right now.

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## Flavor

When I get a moment of time I will read your blog Celt.

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## Ironman

> Thank you for being understanding... I also vented a little on my blog, but I'm not being very direct and right now I don't want to. I'll just accept your kind words and cry for a little bit.
> 
> Edit:
> 
> In recent times, I've suffered a series of betrayals which have left me with very, very little trust in anyone. The most notable of those was the breaking of a friendship with someone who had been close with me for most of my adult life.
> 
> I'm also feeling a touch over-emotional because I'm overtired and I'm still in the postdrome phase of the migraine I had yesterday, which just adds to my fragility.
> 
> Like with anyone, there are a lot of other factors that come into it, but I guess those are the most pressing matters right now.



It sounds like you need a mind and nerve reset,  I'd take some time to release.  We'll be here  ::):

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## CeCe

> It sounds like you need a mind and nerve reset,  I'd take some time to release.  We'll be here



 ::  Agreed!

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## CeltAngel

How would I best go about that? I'm truly open to any advice.

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## Total Eclipse

> I'm overtired and I'm still in the postdrome phase of the migraine I had yesterday, which just adds to my fragility.



Migraines really suck badly. I get them a lot and often need to do self care. Sometimes the phase after the migraine is the worst. Have you tried a nice bubble bath, some mint tea, some breathing exercises? Take sometime to treat yourself to something good.

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## CeltAngel

I ended up taking a lengthy nap and feel quite a bit better. My partner's on the way home now for the long weekend together, so that should be extremely helpful.  ::):

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## Shredder

I'm glad to hear you are feeling better. I hope you manage to have a restful weekend  :Hug:

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## Total Eclipse

> I ended up taking a lengthy nap and feel quite a bit better. My partner's on the way home now for the long weekend together, so that should be extremely helpful.



Glad you have your partner there to be supportive and that your feeling better!

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## CeltAngel

> Glad you have your partner there to be supportive and that your feeling better!



I'm feeling SO much better. That anger feels like a storm in a teacup now.  ::):

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## Ironman

> I'm feeling SO much better. That anger feels like a storm in a teacup now.



The rest is doing wonders.  I always take Good Friday off - my first vacation day of the year.  I slept  ::

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## CeltAngel

> The rest is doing wonders.  I always take Good Friday off - my first vacation day of the year.  I slept



It can be so easy to forget how valuable and important sleep is for us all.

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## Flavor

> It can be so easy to forget how valuable and important sleep is for us all.



Yes it can!

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## Ironman

> It can be so easy to forget how valuable and important sleep is for us all.







> Yes it can!



It was so bad this week, that I would only sleep for about 5 hours....get up to get to a virtual meeting, and suddenly, it's two hours later.  I missed the meeting, overslept, and still only got 7 hours.  That was more than any other day this week!

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## CeltAngel

I'm feeling kinda like I did in the OP right now. I'm starting to feel like I'm the resident psycho of the forum. It doesn't feel very good.

But I'm just so angry I could smash some stuff and then cry.  :so mad:

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## Ironman

> I'm feeling kinda like I did in the OP right now. I'm starting to feel like I'm the resident psycho of the forum. It doesn't feel very good.
> 
> But I'm just so angry I could smash some stuff and then cry.



That's when exercise might work.  We know that feeling, too.  Nothing new.   You're not psycho.

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## CeltAngel

> That's when exercise might work.  We know that feeling, too.  Nothing new.   You're not psycho.



I had a good hard scream, did some angry cleaning and wrote a pretty intense blog entry that I half want to delete out of embarrassment, half want to keep up as testament to that feeling and to let others know that if they feel that way, they're not alone.

Then, I had a big deflate and a cry on my bed with my partner holding me. I'm pretty sure the trigger for my anger was misophonia, which I was diagnosed with a couple of years ago.

Thank you for your understanding message. It truly helps. I'm struggling with feelings of wanting to abandon this board and giving up on making social contact on the internet. It wouldn't be good for me, I really feel that this board and SAS (before what happened with the board change made me too uncomfortable to continue with that place) have helped me a lot even in just the short time I've been on either board, but well.... it's pretty on-brand for someone with social anxiety and agoraphobia taking their first nervous steps back into the virtual world, I guess.

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## Ironman

> I had a good hard scream, did some angry cleaning and wrote a pretty intense blog entry that I half want to delete out of embarrassment, half want to keep up as testament to that feeling and to let others know that if they feel that way, they're not alone.
> 
> Then, I had a big deflate and a cry on my bed with my partner holding me. I'm pretty sure the trigger for my anger was misophonia, which I was diagnosed with a couple of years ago.
> 
> Thank you for your understanding message. It truly helps. I'm struggling with feelings of wanting to abandon this board and giving up on making social contact on the internet. It wouldn't be good for me, I really feel that this board and SAS (before what happened with the board change made me too uncomfortable to continue with that place) have helped me a lot even in just the short time I've been on either board, but well.... it's pretty on-brand for someone with social anxiety and agoraphobia taking their first nervous steps back into the virtual world, I guess.



It takes time and adjustment.  I remember when I first started on SAS, I entered the chat room and flipped out when I saw someone post this:

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH

I thought he was shouting and berating me.  I was ready to quit the site and chat.  It turned out that he liked movies and quoted them all the time  :: .
It was that one movie with Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson - obviously, I had never seen it.  Still haven't, but I know the line.

My point is - it is important to talk to people physically, and virtually - but not all of one and none of the other.  We need interpersonal relationships because that is the way we are built, whether we want to admit it or not.

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## Total Eclipse

> I'm feeling kinda like I did in the OP right now. I'm starting to feel like I'm the resident psycho of the forum. It doesn't feel very good.
> 
> But I'm just so angry I could smash some stuff and then cry.



Nope you're not a psycho. Your bravery and posts are likely going to help other members open up about similar feelings they are keeping locked up.

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## Shredder

> Nope you're not a psycho. Your bravery and posts are likely going to help other members open up about similar feelings they are keeping locked up.



 :Agreed: 

Agreed! I know it's helped me.

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## CeltAngel

> It takes time and adjustment.  I remember when I first started on SAS, I entered the chat room and flipped out when I saw someone post this:
> 
> YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH
> 
> I thought he was shouting and berating me.  I was ready to quit the site and chat.  It turned out that he liked movies and quoted them all the time .
> It was that one movie with Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson - obviously, I had never seen it.  Still haven't, but I know the line.
> 
> My point is - it is important to talk to people physically, and virtually - but not all of one and none of the other.  We need interpersonal relationships because that is the way we are built, whether we want to admit it or not.



I'm aware of that. I'm a people person, I'm an emotional extrovert - I am not a loner by nature in the least. I talk to my partner frequently, I mean, we do live together after all. My partner just works a lot, and so it leaves me alone a lot. I don't really have anyone I can speak to frequently outside of her. I speak to my mother roughly once a week, I have a good friend whom I have infrequent, inconsistent contact with (though we have a deep connection when we do talk) and my brother whom I speak with every couple of months or so. These situations are largely dictated by their schedules, not mine. I'd be in more frequent contact otherwise, but it just isn't that way. The rest of my family is dead. Not much I can do about that. I can talk to them all I want, but for some reason, they never seem to talk back.

If it weren't for the current global situation I might not be bothering to talk to people virtually at all. I've been fine without virtual communication for the seven-ish years since I closed my Facebook account and ceased speaking to people on the internet. However, falling out with a close friend recently has caused me problems in regards to this. On top of that, the ongoing global situation has made us all more isolated in the real world, so I've turned to the internet for a little additional assistance.

I was actually making decent inroads into my agoraphobia before this crap came along and derailed everything. I guess what I am saying is that I don't really think it is particularly necessary to have virtual communication. Maybe it's just because I'm old enough to have grown up before the internet was ubiquitous, but I see it as an additional option, rather than something that must be part of one's life. In an ideal situation, I'd probably forgo the internet completely, but my life is far from ideal, so I'm here to use it to try to help me cope with how things are, and try to find a way to get myself to a situation that is closer to my ideal situation.

Btw - the quote is from "A Few Good Men", it's not bad for a Hollywood film. 6/10 for me and I'm a pretty hard marker.  ::): 





> Nope you're not a psycho. Your bravery and posts are likely going to help other members open up about similar feelings they are keeping locked up.



I hope so. I really want be a force for good in this life. Some of my blogs and posts scare me a little to leave up. I have to resist the temptation to delete it all and run, but I truly want to help people, even if it means putting myself through a little discomfort in order to do so. There is no true courage without discomfort. I'm trying to be brave.





> Agreed! I know it's helped me.



 ::):  I do what I can.  :Hug:

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## Ironman

> I'm aware of that. I'm a people person, I'm an emotional extrovert - I am not a loner by nature in the least. I talk to my partner frequently, I mean, we do live together after all. My partner just works a lot, and so it leaves me alone a lot. I don't really have anyone I can speak to frequently outside of her. I speak to my mother roughly once a week, I have a good friend whom I have infrequent, inconsistent contact with (though we have a deep connection when we do talk) and my brother whom I speak with every couple of months or so. These situations are largely dictated by their schedules, not mine. I'd be in more frequent contact otherwise, but it just isn't that way. The rest of my family is dead. Not much I can do about that. I can talk to them all I want, but for some reason, they never seem to talk back.
> 
> If it weren't for the current global situation I might not be bothering to talk to people virtually at all. I've been fine without virtual communication for the seven-ish years since I closed my Facebook account and ceased speaking to people on the internet. However, falling out with a close friend recently has caused me problems in regards to this. On top of that, the ongoing global situation has made us all more isolated in the real world, so I've turned to the internet for a little additional assistance.
> 
> I was actually making decent inroads into my agoraphobia before this crap came along and derailed everything. I guess what I am saying is that I don't really think it is particularly necessary to have virtual communication. Maybe it's just because I'm old enough to have grown up before the internet was ubiquitous, but I see it as an additional option, rather than something that must be part of one's life. In an ideal situation, I'd probably forgo the internet completely, but my life is far from ideal, so I'm here to use it to try to help me cope with how things are, and try to find a way to get myself to a situation that is closer to my ideal situation.
> 
> Btw - the quote is from "A Few Good Men", it's not bad for a Hollywood film. 6/10 for me and I'm a pretty hard marker. 
> 
> 
> ...



The Corona derailed everybody.  Remember that!  
Given our backgrounds, we are actually at an advantage because we go through this crap daily.  Most people don't and aren't adjusting well.

Psycho?  No.  Upset? A little.  How we think determines how we feel, though.  That was the very first thing I learned about this disorder.

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## CeltAngel

> The Corona derailed everybody.  Remember that!  
> Given our backgrounds, we are actually at an advantage because we go through this crap daily.  Most people don't and aren't adjusting well.
> 
> Psycho?  No.  Upset? A little.  How we think determines how we feel, though.  That was the very first thing I learned about this disorder.



Too true, my friend, too true.

When the lockdowns initially happened, I admit to having a bitter laugh and saying to a friend "Welcome to my world!"  ::

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## Ironman

> Too true, my friend, too true.
> 
> When the lockdowns initially happened, I admit to having a bitter laugh and saying to a friend "Welcome to my world!"



I said the same thing.  I actually get more work done at home and I don't have to drive 80miles a day!

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