# Anxiety Disorders > Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) >  >  Memories and Feelings

## Chantellabella

Anybody bombarded with memories that really hurt? 

Just plain hurt?

Anyone want to share?




I remember how much it hurt to have my mother call me worthless.
That hurt.


It still does.  ::(:

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## IllusionOfHappiness

There several that I think about all the time. I know one in particular shaped how I felt about myself at a young age, and it's why I often still have no self-esteem today. It just makes me wonder how some people can be so cruel. I don't want to hear the "kids will be kids" excuse. That's such bullshit. I knew right from wrong very early on, and so did the person I'm referring to. I don't want to get into it though, so that's basically all I have to say on the subject. I don't want to trigger my body issues. Summer does enough of that for me already. 

I'm sorry your mother said that to you, Chanty.  :Hug: 
I hope now that you're grown you realize how wrong she was. You're the last person who deserves to hear that from somebody.

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## Koalafan

Too many  ::(: ....probably one of the worst that really shaped my social anxiety was when I was about 12/13 and in the 7th grade. I was literally in a class where everyone (not just one person) bullied/made fun of me on a daily basis and going to school became mental torture. I remember everyday asking the teacher if I could go to the bathroom and just hide in the stalls for 20-30minutes or whatever time deemed reasonable without getting in trouble. I was always shy before that but that really took my SA to a whole nother level and really shut me off mentally from ever trusting people/getting to know people. It was my inevitable downward spiral and really too this day fucks me up emotionally thinking about it.

And yes it still hurts  ::(:

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## Keddy

When I was in sixth grade and a girl in my class told me to kill myself and I tried to. I stabbed myself with a kitchen knife and my mother found me 80% dead on the floor. I'm still fucked up from that. I have flashbacks  ::(: 
I was very triggered last night when, about nine years later, my mom told me I should just kill myself. What a thing to say, after she saved my life that time. I have a big issue with that memory from sixth grade and with the flashbacks I have because of it.
And any memory I have from being bullied- which has gone on basically my entire life- is a real shitty one.
Seeing my ex, Dominic, in the hospital after a suicide attempt is another one that comes to mind.
Actually, my life is full of bad memories. And that's why I have PTSD.

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## Chantellabella

Thank you guys for sharing. Yeah these things still hurt, huh?

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## QuietCalamity

I'm sorry people did that to you guys.  :Hug: 

My coworker asked me about my family while we were talking yesterday. I told her I don't know what my older brother is up to because I don't really talk to him. She said, "Oh..." Like that was really weird. 

So now I can't stop thinking of all the bad memories and feelings. Terror, anger, but mostly heartache. Sometimes I look back and wonder if it was really so bad, like maybe I just want to feel victimized or something. But then I have days like these where I really remember. Between that guy and my parents, it was constant and it hurt. I'm so glad I made it out.

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## Chantellabella

> I'm sorry people did that to you guys. 
> 
> My coworker asked me about my family while we were talking yesterday. I told her I don't know what my older brother is up to because I don't really talk to him. She said, "Oh..." Like that was really weird. 
> 
> So now I can't stop thinking of all the bad memories and feelings. Terror, anger, but mostly heartache. Sometimes I look back and wonder if it was really so bad, like maybe I just want to feel victimized or something. But then I have days like these where I really remember. Between that guy and my parents, it was constant and it hurt. I'm so glad I made it out.



Sorry to hear you're struggling with this. It's no fun.  ::(:

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## Skippy

It's so sad to me to hear you guys having to hurt thru crap like that. But to get over SA and also to keep building a better life, esteem has to start somewhere.
I see tho a pattern in all this. The sorta people being cruel pattern, sometimes in very disturbing ways.

You guys are not those ppl who who are cruel to others n' stuff. I know it can make you feel like yer [BEEP] n stuff but the truth is, these ppl who hurt you are the fucked up ones. I personally don't understand how cruel and or abusive ppl could ever really even be worth [BEEP] all until the day comes they realize the mistake and understand that hurting others is wrong.

Yeah it hurts a lot...but why think [BEEP] of yerself as a result?? THEY are the fucked up ones. Seriously! It also doesn't help that our rather insane society seems to force a lot on what THEY think we should all be and that furthur makes it hard for some to have esteem in themselves. I still think self esteem is the 1st step, so look at yerself and say: "Do I hurt people because I enjoy it?" "Do I try to be kind and friendly to others??" 
If you're not those ppl who would hurt you so much, then you have to be doing something right, yeah?
Surely even that is a start??

If as well you fear these ppl hurting you then you're giving them power. What I found when I stopped being afraid of ppl or what they could do is
as SOON as you stand up and kick their ****ing asses for being piss poor examples of the human race, (because that they are) 
it's amazing how they back off so easily. it's like you take your power back and the sad truth is it seems in this world ether u take it from them or they take it from you... ::(:  
I'm not saying to become a confrontational ass, but don't let ppl mess with you that way. 

We all count for something, no matter what anyone says, and our time is best spent enjoying life as we can....if one is afraid or stuck with low self esteem, then they can't enjoy this short life we have easily.

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## Monowheat

Skippy, I want to give you the biggest, squishyist hug in the world right now because what you said was so amazing!  :Hug: 

I have memories that hurt too, I'd rather not talk about them though.

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## Harpuia

> It's so sad to me to hear you guys having to hurt thru crap like that. But to get over SA and also to keep building a better life, esteem has to start somewhere.
> I see tho a pattern in all this. The sorta people being cruel pattern, sometimes in very disturbing ways.
> 
> You guys are not those ppl who who are cruel to others n' stuff. I know it can make you feel like yer [BEEP] n stuff but the truth is, these ppl who hurt you are the fucked up ones. I personally don't understand how cruel and or abusive ppl could ever really even be worth [BEEP] all until the day comes they realize the mistake and understand that hurting others is wrong.
> 
> Yeah it hurts a lot...but why think [BEEP] of yerself as a result?? THEY are the fucked up ones. Seriously! It also doesn't help that our rather insane society seems to force a lot on what THEY think we should all be and that furthur makes it hard for some to have esteem in themselves. I still think self esteem is the 1st step, so look at yerself and say: "Do I hurt people because I enjoy it?" "Do I try to be kind and friendly to others??" 
> If you're not those ppl who would hurt you so much, then you have to be doing something right, yeah?
> Surely even that is a start??
> 
> ...



For me, it's not just anxiety that's the issue.  I also have a diagnosed illness that makes meeting people a near impossiblity... and apparently in order to get better, I have to not only not fight back, but keep taking their crap or I'm in a load of trouble.

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## QuietCalamity

> It's so sad to me to hear you guys having to hurt thru crap like that. But to get over SA and also to keep building a better life, esteem has to start somewhere.
> I see tho a pattern in all this. The sorta people being cruel pattern, sometimes in very disturbing ways.
> 
> You guys are not those ppl who who are cruel to others n' stuff. I know it can make you feel like yer [BEEP] n stuff but the truth is, these ppl who hurt you are the fucked up ones. I personally don't understand how cruel and or abusive ppl could ever really even be worth [BEEP] all until the day comes they realize the mistake and understand that hurting others is wrong.
> 
> Yeah it hurts a lot...but why think [BEEP] of yerself as a result?? THEY are the fucked up ones. Seriously! It also doesn't help that our rather insane society seems to force a lot on what THEY think we should all be and that furthur makes it hard for some to have esteem in themselves. I still think self esteem is the 1st step, so look at yerself and say: "Do I hurt people because I enjoy it?" "Do I try to be kind and friendly to others??" 
> If you're not those ppl who would hurt you so much, then you have to be doing something right, yeah?
> Surely even that is a start??
> 
> ...



I like what you're saying overall and I really appreciate what you wrote, Skippy. My experience was different, though. Standing up for myself only made it worse, although I always fought back anyway cuz I'm feisty. But they never backed down. They always got angrier. For example, the day I laughed at my older brother in defiance of his scare tactics was the day he beat me up the worst. 


My SA and low self-esteem does not come from any belief that they were right and it will not be solved by an epiphany. I have had others tell me that's how their SA healed, and that's awesome for them. But I have to entirely reprogram myself thought-by-thought.

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## merc

> I have memories that hurt too, I'd rather not talk about them though.



Skippy, I understand what you are saying, but execution is so very difficult. I honestly can say that my trust of people is very low.In my case I don't think my self esteem is as good as it should be, but it's also complicated by the fact that I am so very cautious of people and really don't let them close enough to hurt me, so while I don't have friends I don't really have enemies either.

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## Chantellabella

I hear you guys about how we deal with people who have hurt us. It's really difficult to know how to deal with them because there is definitely a mistrust.

I'm like you merc................ I will forgive, but I am very cautious after that. I find that although I have friends, I keep them at an arm's distance to avoid getting hurt. 

Then I get mad at myself for doing that because in essence I'm still giving my bullies and abusers power over me. 

People can really [BEEP] up other people, huh?  ::(:

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## Harpuia

Every few years or so I have a mass losing of friends because something earth-shattering in my life happened that is usually out of my control, or gets to a point where it is out of my control.  This year it's my illness.  Three years ago it was issues over finding a job and that my personality was slowly changing.  I find it hard to forgive at times because the people who do me wrong don't have to live the life that I live.  They usually live far happier lives after doing much worse to others than I could ever dream of doing.

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## Chantellabella

> Every few years or so I have a mass losing of friends because something earth-shattering in my life happened that is usually out of my control, or gets to a point where it is out of my control.  This year it's my illness.  Three years ago it was issues over finding a job and that my personality was slowly changing.  I find it hard to forgive at times because the people who do me wrong don't have to live the life that I live.  They usually live far happier lives after doing much worse to others than I could ever dream of doing.



I've had to convince myself that those who hurt me, will get their due. I won't ever know it, but I have to have faith that it will happen. I guess because it's out of my control. I can't seek revenge. So I just have to believe what they did will happen to them. 

And I really also have to believe that they are miserable human beings because of their cold black heartless acts. The fact that you wouldn't dream of hurting people is because you're a good person. Those who seek to hurt others have got to be utterly miserable with themselves and the only way they can feel better about themselves is to put others down. 

I just have to believe it. that's the only way I am able to even consider letting the hurt go.

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## IllusionOfHappiness

> I've had to convince myself that those who hurt me, will get their due. I won't ever know it, but I have to have faith that it will happen. I guess because it's out of my control. I can't seek revenge. So I just have to believe what they did will happen to them. 
> 
> *And I really also have to believe that they are miserable human beings because of their cold black heartless acts. The fact that you wouldn't dream of hurting people is because you're a good person. Those who seek to hurt others have got to be utterly miserable with themselves and the only way they can feel better about themselves is to put others down.* 
> 
> I just have to believe it. that's the only way I am able to even consider letting the hurt go.



I believed this about someone I used to work alongside. She had something awful to say about absolutely everybody. I think she was extremely insecure and probably stuck in a bad marriage. There's just no way she went home at the end of each day to a happy life. It was either that or she had some serious mental issues that were going untreated.

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## L

I think my most hurtful memory was when I wrote a suicide note, my mum found it, asked what it was, I told her it was just a story and she never asked me about it again. I felt such a relief when she asked me about it but I was also really scared, I was 15 I needed help. I didn't get as much as a hug and to this day I am so afraid of reaching out as this is the type of reaction she has shown me all my life. 

In a way I have forgiven her because now I don't try to reach out or share anything about my life or struggles with her. It hurts a lot but what can I do eh.

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## merc

I live next door to a woman who has nothing good to say about anyone. At first I thought I was somehow causing her to hate me, but then I realized she is the most unhappy person I've ever met. She has alienated family members, her daughter-in-law refuses to have anything to do with her. She is just plain mean. I would occasionally greet her pleasantly and chat etc. Than one day, she, in her super loud voice yelled "Here she comes, hide in the garage." 

The people she was with looked embarrassed. I was mortified. 

This is very bad for a person with social anxiety, and with avoidant personality traits to have happen. It took me several years and an incident that occurred on 911 for me to get over the fact that my neighbor hates me.

From that point on I've kept my distance, but if she is out I will nod hello at her. I refuse to let her ruin my day or even worry one minute about her. She is irrelevant to me. I really don't care.

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## Chantellabella

> I believed this about someone I used to work alongside. She had something awful to say about absolutely everybody. I think she was extremely insecure and probably stuck in a bad marriage. There's just no way she went home at the end of each day to a happy life. It was either that or she had some serious mental issues that were going untreated.



You have to wonder why people like this never see their unhappiness. They're so busy fighting the world, that they never sit back and ask themselves why.

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## Chantellabella

> I think my most hurtful memory was when I wrote a suicide note, my mum found it, asked what it was, I told her it was just a story and she never asked me about it again. I felt such a relief when she asked me about it but I was also really scared, I was 15 I needed help. I didn't get as much as a hug and to this day I am so afraid of reaching out as this is the type of reaction she has shown me all my life. 
> 
> In a way I have forgiven her because now I don't try to reach out or share anything about my life or struggles with her. It hurts a lot but what can I do eh.



Yeah, ouch. To have her not even care that you would write a story about suicide? Or even ask. That had to have been a lonely feeling. Thank you for sharing your story  :Hug:

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## Chantellabella

> I refuse to let her ruin my day or even worry one minute about her. She is irrelevant to me. I really don't care.



That's really healthy, so good for you! 

And yes, she sounds like she's very miserable if her family doesn't even want to be around her. 

I'm glad you can put the blame on her and not you. I know that's difficult for us due to thinking we're the one who is always the blame for awkwardness. 

I'm proud of you!

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## Skippy

Share some hurt? Well, ok...
I'm going to share something rare for me.
Since my accident especially I've felt strange, like I just realized how empty my life has become and I don't know where to go from here. I think of anytime past and I all get is a sad nostalgia. Does it keep getting worse?
I'm often bombarded by hurtful memories that are actually good ones, because I miss sooooo much. I've always been a sorta wanderer in life. Moving from place to place, nothing and no one staying the same. (quite literally nothing) It's like a TV show that ran for 34 years and all the original cast, plots and stuff have long left.....cept me. It's lonely.  :Rain: 
I think I've always wanted a place to finally belong, where everything I know isn't always temporary.
These memories are sad and painful but they also give me a lil bit of joy because even if it wasn't the best at times, it was quite a life.

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## Chantellabella

> Share some hurt? Well, ok...
> I'm going to share something rare for me.
> Since my accident especially I've felt strange, like I just realized how empty my life has become and I don't know where to go from here. I think of anytime past and I all get is a sad nostalgia. Does it keep getting worse?
> I'm often bombarded by hurtful memories that are actually good ones, because I miss sooooo much. I've always been a sorta wanderer in life. Moving from place to place, nothing and no one staying the same. (quite literally nothing) It's like a TV show that ran for 34 years and all the original cast, plots and stuff have long left.....cept me. It's lonely. 
> I think I've always wanted a place to finally belong, where everything I know isn't always temporary.
> These memories are sad and painful but they also give me a lil bit of joy because even if it wasn't the best at times, it was quite a life.



Thank you for sharing, Skippy. Yes, not feeling like you belong is definitely painful. I hear ya.

I find that when I look at the past, too many regrets come up. I also find that when I look too far ahead in the future, I get anxious. So I try to do what my grandmother taught me. She said if you have one foot in the past and one in the future, you piss on the present. I just know that staying in the present helps me keep going. 

 :Hug:

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## QuietCalamity

> I try to do what my grandmother taught me. She said if you have one foot in the past and one in the future, you piss on the present.



I LOVE that.  ::):

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## Skippy

> Thank you for sharing, Skippy. Yes, not feeling like you belong is definitely painful. I hear ya.
> 
> I find that when I look at the past, too many regrets come up. I also find that when I look too far ahead in the future, I get anxious. So I try to do what my grandmother taught me. She said if you have one foot in the past and one in the future, you piss on the present. I just know that staying in the present helps me keep going.



Haaaaaa! LOL  :XD:  piss on the present. I'd kinda like right right now. x.x
What i thought in my post tho is if i have so many nostalgic memories that make me wanna cry, I at least had something good in life. 
Just wish I could'a done better. I wanna make it better, somehow... ether way it teaches ya to make the very best of life whenever possible and especially almost being killed recently I feel that now. I wanna start here with something better.

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## Member11

Many. What's worst is the triggers they create, for me, even something as minor as a word can send me to a really bad place which can be hard to recover from.

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## Chantellabella

> Many. What's worst is the triggers they create, for me, even something as minor as a word can send me to a really bad place which can be hard to recover from.



I hear ya about triggers. Then people wonder why you all of a sudden have trouble breathing or why you just started crying, huh?

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## Monowheat

> I hear ya about triggers. Then people wonder why you all of a sudden have trouble breathing or why you just started crying, huh?



I hear that! They wonder why you suddenly rush off to the bathroom even though you've not long been or (for me) why you're "jumping at shadows".

I've found a new trigger lately. A particular type of car. Not helpful when I'm in the city, it's a fairly popular style of car and I can't tell the difference between it and similar looking models.

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## GunnyHighway

My parents were terrible at not showing their favourite kid. I mean, it happens, but most parents seem to be able to hide it pretty well. Nope. Not mine. My brother plays sports so my dad has always been more invested in him. He has a learning disability (called being fucking lazy) so my mom was always more interested in him. I've been shunned my whole damn life. Parents, friends, everything. I've been so short on feeling loved in my life.

Then it changed for a few months...a few months of feeling like I actually existed. Not only to my then girlfriend, but everyone around me. It just seemed like everyone was more open to being around me and listening to what I had to say.



I regret it completely. Now I know what I'm missing every day. It's absolutely insane how much comfort comes from something as simple as holding hands, or just having someone to talk to. I think I was better off when I didn't how it all felt. I'd rather have just been forever numb.

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## Chloe

All through high school I struggled to fit in with anyone group and get away from the bullying. I have moments where I hear what they said to me almost like an echo things like no one likes you, your weird, go away Chloe, you can't even do that stop trying, such a freak and I know they don't sound like much compared to the horrible stuff that you guys had to go through but it really did a number on me especially 7 years of it. I've never thought of myself as pretty, I look in the mirror and think I'm fat ugly and misshapen despite other people saying otherwise. Because all i can hear is those bullies (the majority of my year) saying the same thing your not normal your ugly and your a freak I don't believe anyone actually likes me in real life I always think they just feel sorry for me or because I know things and can do school work (not for them).

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## Chantellabella

> I hear that! They wonder why you suddenly rush off to the bathroom even though you've not long been or (for me) why you're "jumping at shadows".
> 
> I've found a new trigger lately. A particular type of car. Not helpful when I'm in the city, it's a fairly popular style of car and I can't tell the difference between it and similar looking models.



Yikes! That has to have you on edge constantly. Is it because you think it might be someone you know in it? (sorry for being nosy)

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## Chantellabella

> This describes the sentiments about my life so well.



Sorry about that, fluke.  ::(: 

Thank you for sharing that.

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## Chantellabella

> My parents were terrible at not showing their favourite kid. I mean, it happens, but most parents seem to be able to hide it pretty well. Nope. Not mine. My brother plays sports so my dad has always been more invested in him. He has a learning disability (called being fucking lazy) so my mom was always more interested in him. I've been shunned my whole damn life. Parents, friends, everything. I've been so short on feeling loved in my life.
> 
> Then it changed for a few months...a few months of feeling like I actually existed. Not only to my then girlfriend, but everyone around me. It just seemed like everyone was more open to being around me and listening to what I had to say.
> 
> 
> 
> I regret it completely. Now I know what I'm missing every day. It's absolutely insane how much comfort comes from something as simple as holding hands, or just having someone to talk to. I think I was better off when I didn't how it all felt. I'd rather have just been forever numb.



I'm sorry that your parents treated you that way. I was a scapegoat, so I know the unfair treatment thing. And I get feeling invisible. Not fun, huh?

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## Chantellabella

> All through high school I struggled to fit in with anyone group and get away from the bullying. I have moments where I hear what they said to me almost like an echo things like no one likes you, your weird, go away Chloe, you can't even do that stop trying, such a freak and I know they don't sound like much compared to the horrible stuff that you guys had to go through but it really did a number on me especially 7 years of it. I've never thought of myself as pretty, I look in the mirror and think I'm fat ugly and misshapen despite other people saying otherwise. Because all i can hear is those bullies (the majority of my year) saying the same thing your not normal your ugly and your a freak I don't believe anyone actually likes me in real life I always think they just feel sorry for me or because I know things and can do school work (not for them).



Sweetie, don't ever compare your pain with the pain of others. You were bullied and it hurt you tremendously. There is no degree of hurt. And their words stayed with you to the point of you believing it. 

I'm sorry they did that to you. You didn't deserve it.  ::(:

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## Skippy

> All through high school I struggled to fit in with anyone group and get away from the bullying. I have moments where I hear what they said to me almost like an echo things like no one likes you, your weird, go away Chloe, you can't even do that stop trying, such a freak and I know they don't sound like much compared to the horrible stuff that you guys had to go through but it really did a number on me especially 7 years of it. I've never thought of myself as pretty, I look in the mirror and think I'm fat ugly and misshapen despite other people saying otherwise. Because all i can hear is those bullies (the majority of my year) saying the same thing your not normal your ugly and your a freak I don't believe anyone actually likes me in real life I always think they just feel sorry for me or because I know things and can do school work (not for them).



That's horrible. There's something seriously wrong with people who do that, but we all know that, right?
there's long been a problem with people and that's how they hurt others, something that one day needs to change.
Way I see it, why would ya believe the [BEEP] they say when they are the ones with the problem?
Someone who talks like them surely wouldn't earn my respect in the least. High school tho is an awful place, because it's like people there haven't even learned [BEEP] yet at that age. As a result some people stay assholes no matter what the age.
 Don't believe what they say, because they're not even at a point where what they say even matters;I don't really get why such kids act the way they do. I think even people need to stop taking having kids for granted if they ain't gonna teach em to be anythin' respectable.
Bet ya as well that's 95% of the problem.

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## Chloe

The way I saw it and see is they were smart, they had friends they fit in they were good at things and there was that many of them saying the same thing they must have had a point. I know now some of the stuff they said was off or over Exadurated  but they weren't all wrong I'm not Achaemenid, I am different, I am weird but it's just finding the right people who like your weird and different. One good thing about it as the bullies got more distracted with gcses and left me alone I gained my confidence a bit more and actually stopped some bullying that I saw happen so at least one good thing came out of it and I could help other people 

They didn't have my respect, there was just that many people all saying the same thing that many times it kind of wore me down 

I just think they couldn't handle someone who had been exposed to the world who had taken on different countries cultures and mannerisms with different accents , wanted to do nothing but be everyone's friend, take college work seriously. I was too naive and had been brought up  to be too nice to people.

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## Chantellabella

> Hey thanks for showing sympathy, even though I have no reason to complain and nothing to blame for how I turned out.



It didn't sound like you were complaining. Talking about hurts is a very human and needed thing. 

Also I see a distinction between reason and excuse. When one says they are the way they are because something happened, then it's not blaming. It's giving a reason. 
When they say they can't do anything because someone did something to them and therefore they are powerless to fix it, then that's an excuse. In other words, they "use" the past experience as an excuse for not taking responsibility. I'm not sure if I'm making this clearer or more confusing. 

It's ok to talk about things that happened and also to see a connection of what happened to your behavior now. So don't negate your hurt. It's very real and it hurts, doesn't it?

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## Nightingale

> It didn't sound like you were complaining. Talking about hurts is a very human and needed thing. 
> 
> Also I see a distinction between reason and excuse. When one says they are the way they are because something happened, then it's not blaming. It's giving a reason. 
> When they say they can't do anything because someone did something to them and therefore they are powerless to fix it, then that's an excuse. In other words, they "use" the past experience as an excuse for not taking responsibility. I'm not sure if I'm making this clearer or more confusing. 
> 
> It's ok to talk about things that happened and also to see a connection of what happened to your behavior now. So don't negate your hurt. It's very real and it hurts, doesn't it?



Chantellabella, you're the best. Truly.

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## Chantellabella

> Chantellabella, you're the best. Truly.



I'm blushing. Thank you for that compliment.   :Hug:

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## Total Eclipse

I'm feeling a lot of memories/ flashbacks lately. I've had several traumatizing experiences (and due to being traumatized even little things tore the issues worse). Last night was one of the days I hit-my-brick, and for the past 15 hours have been having terrible intrusive images and thoughts of a few things; and then anxiety attack that lasted the whole 15 hours; and every hour a panic attack would set in and last for 2-5 minutes (per hyperventilating). Even going into detail is too much to go into x.x  

I realize vague.

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