# Anxiety Disorders > Social Anxiety Disorder >  >  Do you push people away?

## Frogger

I'm not a big people person. Every time someone tries to get close to me, I push them away. I assume that I should be the one to do the leaving before they get a chance to, but now I realize that this is really destructive. How do I become more "people friendly"  ::  ?

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## Firefly09

The fact you realize this is the first step in moving forward, many people go through their whole lives without realizing it. We as human beings tend to push ppl away because we are scared of getting hurt. We are scared of allowing that one person that knows us completely giving them the ability to completely tear us apart. Now, you have to stare your fear in the face and "take the risk" of overcoming it by opening up to someone and trusting them. You just have to dive in, and hopefully, once you're in, it won't be so scary anymore... Maybe a good first step is to open up to a counselor or a therapist and practice trusting with that person first, as a stepping stone.

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## Chantellabella

> The fact you realize this is the first step in moving forward, many people go through their whole lives without realizing it. We as human beings tend to push ppl away because we are scared of getting hurt. We are scared of allowing that one person that knows us completely giving them the ability to completely tear us apart. Now, you have to stare your fear in the face and "take the risk" of overcoming it by opening up to someone and trusting them. You just have to dive in, and hopefully, once you're in, it won't be so scary anymore... Maybe a good first step is to open up to a counselor or a therapist and practice trusting with that person first, as a stepping stone.



I agree. I've pushed people away practically my whole life. Not intentionally.........just subconsciously when they got close. My therapist told me though that if I push them away, I guarantee loneliness, but if I at least make an effort to not do that, there's a chance they won't abandon me.

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## SmileyFace

I'm a people person actually, but when my (general) anxiety kicks in as well as paranoia and a bunch of other fun things (mehhh...), I start to really push away people by complaining a whole lot and getting all crazy. I hate it. It's not me... but this esp happens a week before my period. Hormones  going all crazy and making all my anxiety + paranoia issues shoot up 10000x higher. It's awful... and as much as I like to be around people during that particular time of month, I've recently decided it's best I'm not because I'd get all crazy out of nowhere  ::\:

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## fetisha

I do the same, but I think its for their own good

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## Grand Jete

I push people away because I'm afraid they'll reject me if they know the "real" me.

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## WineKitty

Yes.  It's quite amazing that I have the handful of friends that I do and a husband considering how much I push people away.

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## WintersTale

Now that I think about it, I do tend to push people away, a lot. I've lost friendships over it.

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## onawheel

> [...]My therapist told me though that if I push them away, I guarantee loneliness, but if I at least make an effort to not do that, there's a chance they won't abandon me.



i think this is what happened at my meeting today, they ended up saying they felt they couldn't help me based on what I said yet I feel like I really need help and the feeling of rejection both freaked me out and surprised me. I thought they would try and help me anyway. now I feel like I have to go back and be more honest with them and express that I do want help. all that I've been through the past few weeks it's pretty clear that I'm depressed and in need of help.. the pad the lady had to today had "risk" at the top underlined.. why would they turn me away with that? it's confusing.

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## est

Yes, invited places last weak-end (x-mas? party) and tonight, but opted to be alone and not communicate with anyone.

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## IllusionOfHappiness

It's apparently one of my favourite things to unintentionally do.

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## Yellow

All the time. I've been betrayed way more times than I can count so I have trouble getting emotionally invested with anyone

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## WineKitty

> All the time. I've been betrayed way more times than I can count so I have trouble getting emotionally invested with anyone




That is a problem with me too, I have a great deal of trouble trusting people due to being burned before.  It's hard to trust people because most people are disingenuous.

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## jsgt

> All the time. I've been betrayed way more times than I can count so I have trouble getting emotionally invested with anyone



Same here, but I'm making an effort to toughen up and turn my heart to stone when needed...so I don't have so much trouble dealing with their BS. This is better for me, rather than assuming everyone's out to get me. I don't want to be completely isolated from people.

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## Apocalyptic

Someone has to first approach me before I push them away. I don't go out much so as to meet new people anyway.:-x

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## Rawr

> I'm not a big people person. Every time someone tries to get close to me, I push them away. I assume that I should be the one to do the leaving before they get a chance to, but now I realize that this is really destructive. How do I become more "people friendly"  ?



OMG I'm the exact same way! Plus I become bored of certain people easily & start wanting nothing to do with em'.

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## Becky

> I understand what your going though :/
> 
> I always push people away. Even people I'm close with. I don't mean to either, and I'm not annoyed with the person. I just get socially overwhelmed for some reason, and isolate. A few people who I stay in contact with, have called me out on it. I don't realize I'm upsetting people, either. I've been trying to keep in contact with a few people as I really do care a lot and love them, it's hard though. I'm worried I will 'wear out my welcome', or even bore the person. idk, but I guess what has helped with the process, was having people to keep encouraging  me, and on me to keep socializing with them.



That sounds a lot like how I am.

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## Nelly

> I always push people away. Even people I'm close with. I don't mean to either, and I'm not annoyed with the person. I just get socially overwhelmed for some reason, and isolate. A few people who I stay in contact with, have called me out on it. I don't realize I'm upsetting people, either. I've been trying to keep in contact with a few people as I really do care a lot and love them, it's hard though. I'm worried I will 'wear out my welcome', or even bore the person. idk, but I guess what has helped with the process, was having people to keep encouraging  me, and on me to keep socializing with them.



I'm exactly the same too.

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## orange

> Yes, invited places last weak-end (x-mas? party) and tonight, but opted to be alone and not communicate with anyone.



I do this as well, I was invited to a X-mas party and I didn't go, I also just wanted to be alone and rest.  It was at a co-worker's house and I was stressed out about going.  In the end, I was glad I didn't go but I guess when I do this, it doesn't help me when I want to make more friends, but it is hard to fight the anxiety, that's for sure.

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## Borophyll

Yeah its a horrible habit I'm trying to break. Its like a defense mechanism I guess whenever someone reaches a certain level of closeness I push them away harshly. If I ever do have the opportunity to make good friends again I'm determined to break this pattern.

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## Cam

Unfortunately yes. I was starting to make a good friend from a summer job this past year and he'd ask me to hangout or do things and of course I would avoid doing so. I wanted so badly to hang out or whatever, but I would always make up some lame excuse. He was a very easy person to talk to at work, and very friendly. I regret pushing away, would have been a good friend.

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## FireIsTheCleanser

I think I do. I start acting like an asshole to push them away before they can push me away.

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## nemmm3

I don't push my friends away but whenever I get close with a boy and it looks like it will turn into a relationship, I freak out and push them away even though I like them and what to date them! I don't know what's wrong with me *sigh*

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## Misssy

eh people just don't like me

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## Inscrutable Banana

Not actively, but I suppose people end up pushing themselves away if they aren't interested enough in interacting with me to try and get past my barrier of indifference. Extroverted people have a particularly hard time with it and sometimes take it as a sign that I'm arrogant or have a mental disability, possibly both. Â¬_Â¬

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## James

Yeah, I do, more so now than ever before.  I had serious issues with trust and abandonment before my girlfriend's suicide....it's a million times worse now.  I've got keeping people at a distance and pushing people away down to a fine art.  I do it without even being conscious of it sometimes.  I'm convinced I'll never have another group of friends to hang out with.  And I know I'll never have another gf.

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## Skippy

I never push people away. I'm quite friendly and welcoming.

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## merc

I actually think that I'm kind of nice however, upon first meeting someone I seldom initiate conversation. Sometimes I force myself to. If the person seems hostile, overly pompous to me or anyone I most likely never unless I absolutely have to speak to them again.  Also sometimes when someone is super successful I don't feel comfortable around them and feel too intimidated to reciprocate their friendship so these people regardless of how much I actually like them I'm afraid of and keep my distance.
Sometimes despite all my efforts people I'm afraid of continually speak to me and attempt to be my friend and I eventually get calm enough to just accept it. I'm really not sure why my shyness goes beyond shyness. I did have a traumatic high school experience in which I lost most of my friends and I don't want to re-experience anything like that again.

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## Tinkerbell

I can be very friendly, outgoing and don't have a problem dropping in and out of friendships.  However, I don't make close friends easily because I won't be totally open, I don't see much value in that.  Everyone has their own cross to bear and they don't need to hear about mine.    I lost a friend because she felt like I wasn't being as open with her and she was with me.  She was right and it  wasn't in me to change that.  Only two people know everything there is to know about me, my current and my therapist, and even that can send me into a panic attack fearing that they will break that trust, and it will be like the mask I so manically preserve will have fallen off and there I am naked to the world.    So in a long roundabout way I guess I do push people away and that's okay with me.

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## Koalafan

I naturally push people away. Im far more comfortable being in my own little world then risking being in someone else's. Not a whole lot of people actually push through that "wall" and try to get to know me...not a whole lot of people get past that wall  :Tongue:

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## Koalafan

I naturally push people away. Im far more comfortable being in my own little world then risking being in someone else's. Not a whole lot of people actually push through that "wall" and try to get to know me...not a whole lot of people get past that wall  :Tongue:  I can be VERY cold and distant in real life

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## Misssy

I don't need to push people away to be honest. They stay away on their own.

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## enfield

well of course i push strangers away because those are strangers. friends i also push away. i don't mean to do it when i do that. some i might want space from and others might want space from me but the end result is i push them away. this is all for online friends because i don't have any of the other type.

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## Scarlet

Im the same. If people get too close i tend to shut them out and push them away. I dont like getting close to people because I feel as though you will be betrayed a bit too easily...Even though I dont want to it happens. Solitude, while being around others feel good. Well I dont know if that made sence(sp?)..Just thought I'd share it.

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## Chieve

I feel like I do all the time, well for the most part.

99% of the people I tried hard to know, ended up just not really wanting to be my friend...

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## Heelsbythebridge

Usually when I'm feeling bad, yeah. It's hard to find energy to reach out when I'm in a bad place mentally... I turn down every invite to do anything. I've been in the darkest place I've ever been the past few months (I think I'm getting better) and I relied on others to not give up on me. Only our dear kesker here, and my IRL best friend Ali, continued to reach out to me when I've gone completely despondent. 

I've ruined relationships a lot when in that headspace.. which is okay I guess, I mean it helps me see more clearly who my friends are, who thinks I am worth the effort to keep in their lives.

A lot more common is when I "push" people away more passively by just not responding to emails or letting the relationship fizz out.

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## Misssy

I just want to push people over.

Most people just want to waste my time they really don't want to be a real friend.

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## Chieve

> I just want to push people over.
> 
> Most people just want to waste my time they really don't want to be a real friend.



I sometimes feel the same way.

It kind of got to the point for me, if we don't hit off well in the beginning (or they don't really seen to care to get to know me) I'll just say [BEEP] it and not even bother with them because we won't be friends, or at least chances are so I won't waste my time...there is no middle ground for me either, it's black and white, were great friends, or we just stay as strangers with a little knowledge of one another...

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## Chieve

> Usually when I'm feeling bad, yeah. It's hard to find energy to reach out when I'm in a bad place mentally... I turn down every invite to do anything. I've been in the darkest place I've ever been the past few months (I think I'm getting better) and I relied on others to not give up on me. Only our dear kesker here, and my IRL best friend Ali, continued to reach out to me when I've gone completely despondent. 
> 
> I've ruined relationships a lot when in that headspace.. which is okay I guess, I mean it helps me see more clearly who my friends are, who thinks I am worth the effort to keep in their lives.
> 
> A lot more common is when I "push" people away more passively by just not responding to emails or letting the relationship fizz out.



Yeah this is real common, I can relate pretty well.

I would have to reach out to people online and at the same time reject everyone else in order to get alone time...

I mean, I guess in a sense I have plenty of alone time, but I mean, time alone without having to stress over someone I want to be friends with.

I turn off my phone, I don't go on Facebook, don't read emails(I mean in all honesty no one will send me an email, fb me, or text me, except this one guy who is the only person I can't reject) and even though no one won't message me it will let me feel more relaxed I won't have to feel like I will talk to someone and it makes me feel distant and it makes me sadder not having someone want to talk to me when I'm always available...

So in that sense I just need to gain distance since the online world keeps me so close with everyone.

Sorry I got a little off topic lol but yeah I wouldn't say I ruined relationships but you really do figure out who really cares for you and who doesn't....

Unfortunately I ignored that and I continued to message people who didn't care about me, and when I was in high school I would take it out on those who did genuinely care for me...

I mean this one guy was hard to read because whenever I hung out with him he was awkward with me when he's not like that in real life, or this girl who would message me, I started to reject them when this guy I really tried to know rejected me, but as I type this I'm realizing who did care for me...

I wish you luck with everything, I hope you get better  ::):

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## Heelsbythebridge

Thankyou Chieve, you as well  ::):  I think it's the ones who _push for a response_, at the risk of upsetting/annoying you, who are the ones who genuinely care. Most people take the "don't ask, don't tell" route, which is heartbreaking. Admittedly, I pushed away some of my friends, but I didn't expect them to _stay_ there on their own volition, you know? It's a selfish thing to ask of someone- it's exhausting to worry about someone else when you already have things going on in your life- which is what makes what the few friends did for me so much more heartfelt.

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## Chieve

> Thankyou Chieve, you as well  I think it's the ones who _push for a response_, at the risk of upsetting/annoying you, who are the ones who genuinely care. Most people take the "don't ask, don't tell" route, which is heartbreaking. Admittedly, I pushed away some of my friends, but I didn't expect them to _stay_ there on their own volition, you know? It's a selfish thing to ask of someone- it's exhausting to worry about someone else when you already have things going on in your life- which is what makes what the few friends did for me so much more heartfelt.



True! I would push for a response but I feel sometimes people are ignoring me or acting like they didn't hear it or I feel weird after a second time...so I guess I should feel it out

You know I guess when I give a short response to people and no one questions it I guess that's it and sometimes when I do it to others I try by to so I don't come off creepy or weird...

It's hard, I definitely agree with you, I guess it depends on the person and you gotta feel it out?

I do wish people cared though, most don't though since they have a social life and don't really care for any more friends...

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## Member11

I don't think I do unintentionally, although, I have pushed people away before to "test" to see if they actually want to talk to me and not just being nice, if that makes sense. :Ninja:

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## Sagan

I do. especially when I drink. All of my hatred, anger, and rage comes up and gets misdirected

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## Keddy

I never mean to push people away. I honestly don't have a rude bone in my body. I just know I have issues with my social skills and I can come across as awkward and weird, but I mean well.

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## FreshDaily

yes  ::(:

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## FreshDaily

I wish I didn't..

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## nemmm3

when I get close to people who are a possible boyfriend I freak out and stop talking to them
not really sure why

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## TheCARS1979

sometimes i will

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## Chloe

I'm a big people person most of the time but there are the odd times where I'll either push people away or be that terrified of them (generally after an attack) that I just become a complete introvert reduced to one worded answers or traditionally "I don't minds"

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## minted

I push people away indirectly. As in, I might just stop talking to someone because I don't know how to deal with getting any closer or any more vulnerable with them because im scared to. This happens a lot with guys. If I feel like I'm actually getting somewhere with someone I freak out and isolate myself until they get the hint :/

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## Kirsebaer

Not anymore. I even enjoy getting to know new people now and I try to initiate friendships.. I guess getting positive feedback made me feel more and more confident about approaching people and letting people approach me. I never thought I'd get to this point. I've pushed people away most of my life because I knew I wouldn't be able to be a good friend to them. I used to be quite reserved, I hated talking on the phone (had phone phobia) so I never called anyone and never picked up the phone when people called me.. and I never felt like hanging out with most people because it was exhausting to try to be social. I just wanted to be left alone.

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## Kesky

lately i've lost hope and push the whole world away except online where I've made an effort to stay active.

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## I Punt Puppies

Too much. It's still the biggest  reason I can't maintain friendships and friends.

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## Ladybell

I am in a relationship with someone who is now showing STRONG avoidant issues.  I am looking for support from others who have dealt with this.  I am 45, my partner is 50, we have been dating for 5 years, which have been wonderful until about the last 6 mths, this avoidant/depressed personality has popped out.    In beginning he was so attentive, talkative, put me on a pedestal etc etc etc.... Almost overnight he has flipped completely opposite.  Avoid avoid avoid.   Used to want to spend every minute with me, now avoids seeing me.   We have a long distance relationship.   He has put himself in thearpy and has asked me for '''time''' .  Not sure what this means.    He cannot answer any question I ask,  says he doesnt want to break up, says he loves me, says he's in love with me, says hes attracted to me, but is avoiding me like the plague
will not say anything nice and will not say anything bad, just keeps saying he is a bad person, I deserve better, I am a good person.   He thinks he lied through our relationship.  Thinks he's born to be single and alone, he is retreating into his cave.    Should I give up or keep pushing for our relationship I love him dearly.   But he cant answer any question I ask..  cannot say yes he wants to see me or no he doesnt... says it's up to me...   whatever is best for me...  acting as though he does not care at all for me, but I can see deep in his eyes he does.   HELP !!!

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## Snoopy

I am very much the same way. Recently Ive had a habit of creating closeness between me and another person, then for some reason I grow complacent and I realise that I have ignored that person. I think it stems from a fear of connecting with someone emotionally when you know that this can be thrown back in your face. I have spent a lot of my life experiencing a feeling of rejection and a heavy heart. I think that it makes people like us emotionally tough, so we crave the company of others, while subconciously we are being told that we can get hurt. I am trying to work my way around this by answering peoples questions on their emotional upsets via the internet, its a good exercise for communication. But in the end I believe the best way to get around it is to let go of the barriers you build around yourself and let someone in. Dont rush around and forget your emotions, remember that feeling of loneliness when you feel like you might be pushing that certain someone away from you. This is one of the most prominent issues in my life at the moment.

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## SummerRae

:Rain:

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## lovetornadoes

For the past few years on and off I have unintentionally pushed those closest to me away, and shut myself away in my room with the curtains shut, with the main comforts I need, my bed and laptop......it's crazy cos one side of me just wants to be alone, and yet I feel down cos I am alone....it's really confusing, however, these past few months have been horrible, I have uncontrollably pushed everyone away and feel I have lost a big chunk of who I used to be, and cannot get that part of me back, and I feel like I can no longer connect with anyone around me, and feel whatever small part of me that is left is going to vanish as well. I don't know what will happen then...and where I'll end up....

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## Hexagon

For some inexplicable reason, the closer I get to someone, the more prone I am to pushing them away. I've had this happen recently actually, as I've gotten to know some people better over the past couple of days but now all I desire is to retreat to my room and stay here. I ignore all texts, phone calls, emails etc. And then I being to feel regret because the loneliness sinks in. It's an annoying, vicious cycle.

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## Skippy

.

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## TheCARS1979

Sometimes i steer clear before that

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