# Healing and Wellbeing > Study, Work and Welfare >  >  caught in the middle workplace stress

## merc

This is an on-going issue that is bugging me to death. It makes my job so much more stressful. I have two co-workers who constantly watch everyone and everything. They think that their way to do things is the only way to do it. They will take the time to reorganize a cart that I've sorted to suit my needs to the way they think is best. I usually just laugh this off as I am faster than they will ever be. 

This is the problem they constantly watch everyone and complain she has more hours than me. She isn't finished yet. She wasting time doing blah blah blah!!! I just mostly worry about getting my own work done. I hate gossip although occasionally everyone including me does gossip. I'm usually the last person on earth who hears the good gossip. Yet, they, both of are so involved in grudges and vendettas and own private agendas and keep trying to drag me into it. Oh, I forgot to mention that they hate each other and most of what I hear is disparaging comments on each other. I find them both oddly similar. Anyway I'm so sick of the pettiness I've asked to be removed from this department, but no one is willing to work with them.

How do I get them to stop? I've tried I don't want to hear this right now to no avail? Also, why do they do this? Most of the time the gossip is petty and really silly in the grand scheme of things.

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## Chantellabella

> This is an on-going issue that is bugging me to death. It makes my job so much more stressful. I have two co-workers who constantly watch everyone and everything. They think that their way to do things is the only way to do it. They will take the time to reorganize a cart that I've sorted to suit my needs to the way they think is best. I usually just laugh this off as I am faster than they will ever be. 
> 
> This is the problem they constantly watch everyone and complain she has more hours than me. She isn't finished yet. She wasting time doing blah blah blah!!! I just mostly worry about getting my own work done. I hate gossip although occasionally everyone including me does gossip. I'm usually the last person on earth who hears the good gossip. Yet, they, both of are so involved in grudges and vendettas and own private agendas and keep trying to drag me into it. Oh, I forgot to mention that they hate each other and most of what I hear is disparaging comments on each other. I find them both oddly similar. Anyway I'm so sick of the pettiness I've asked to be removed from this department, but no one is willing to work with them.
> 
> How do I get them to stop? I've tried I don't want to hear this right now to no avail? Also, why do they do this? Most of the time the gossip is petty and really silly in the grand scheme of things.



I just broke a workplace dysfunctional cycle about 6 months ago by finally going to HR and spilling my guts about it. Do you have an HR that you can talk with? One of the things I did though before I went to HR was to assess my 50% of the problem. Yes, relationships are 50%. Even if we don't think we are adding fuel to the fire, we are if we listen. So after going to people who could stop the abuse (from a supervisor), I made up my mind to set boundaries. I never listen to gossip at all. If people start to talk to me, I just stare blankly with no response. It took about a month, but I am no longer in anybody's business but my own. I don't socialize about any personal problems. This particular person was in some sick co-dependent relationship with us all and would get us all to feel sorry for her right after she degraded us, spoke sarcastically to us or yelled at us inappropriately. It was a sick victim/rescuer/perpetrator role. So I don't even ask her how was her day or anything. I have a brick wall up on social. I do all of my correspondence with her and other co-workers via email to have a paper trail in case I need to forward it to a higher up. 

So just my behavior of refusing to listen, refusing to get into any social conversation and doing my job via email only has completely stopped the mess in the entire department. The atmosphere there is a hundred times better. Yes, some of my co-workers have fallen into it again. Why? Because they refuse to change. They keep wondering why this supervisor doesn't change. Reality? You can't change someone else. The only person you can change is yourself and therefore the behavior change has to be you. In other words, don't listen. Walk away. Don't engage in gossip yourself. Do only your job and leave friendships for people outside of the workplace. Ignore their comments. Change the subject. If they organize your cart, go to a superior and let them know what's happening. Go to your HR. 

Just don't put up with it for 5 years like I did and then hate your job so much that you want to quit. I have the support of HR, and my supervisor's "higher ups." But the biggest change was within me. I set boundaries and my boss knows what she can and can not say to me. It's been a great atmosphere in the last 6 months because I no longer let anyone bully me into being miserable in the workplace.

I know doing all this is hard, but believe me, it was worth it.

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## merc

Thanks, this person about whom I'm speaking sounds a lot like the person you describe. It's gotten to the point where I can judge in about  5 seconds whether or not she is in a good mood. At her worst she is so controlling we can't use the rest room without her consent. I think someone did complain about that, because she doesn't do that any more. I once complained about her being manipulating and she gets a giant great team card from management the very next day.

She can be very nice and charming mostly with management.  I can be with managers very shy and awkward, yeah!! SA. 

I have been trying when either of them start up by saying, "No, I don't want to hear this." The problem with saving friendships for out of work is,  that outside of work I don't socialize and I also really like some of my co-workers.  The one person I'm talking about does have good days, but because of her irrational behavior I don't consider her a friend.  Many others have told me that they could not work with her.

I  complained about her once before along with another co-worker, what had happened was management sort of promoted her. Power went to her head and she was bullying us and ordering us about like a drill sergeant. There were two new hires and my co-worker and me. I had been off the two days prior and learned of her promotion when I came in. 
I have never been so angry there. After my co-worker complained they pulled the days tape to watch her. I know they cracked down on her pretty hard she was caught not working and goofing around and stalling on work that could have been finished on time so she wouldn't be pulled for another department. I actually felt sorry for her.

When I finally complained to a manager about it, I just told them you created this monster. You fix it. I said I know that you gave her supervisory power over us and that was her idea of doing a good job. Also another co-worker in the department is better at diffusing her ugly traits and she had an injury and was off for months.

I think that I need to choose my battles with her and the advice on not listening or participating in gossip is best. I was happiest back when i worked with a good crew on the line and we talked about our kids, gardens, gas drilling, ufos, current events and the good old days. I've asked to be moved but they don't have anyone eager to do my job.

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## Chantellabella

> Thanks, this person about whom I'm speaking sounds a lot like the person you describe. It's gotten to the point where I can judge in about  5 seconds whether or not she is in a good mood. At her worst she is so controlling we can't use the rest room without her consent. I think someone did complain about that, because she doesn't do that any more. I once complained about her being manipulating and she gets a giant great team card from management the very next day.
> 
> She can be very nice and charming mostly with management.  I can be with managers very shy and awkward, yeah!! SA. 
> 
> I have been trying when either of them start up by saying, "No, I don't want to hear this." The problem with saving friendships for out of work is,  that outside of work I don't socialize and I also really like some of my co-workers.  The one person I'm talking about does have good days, but because of her irrational behavior I don't consider her a friend.  Many others have told me that they could not work with her.
> 
> I  complained about her once before along with another co-worker, what had happened was management sort of promoted her. Power went to her head and she was bullying us and ordering us about like a drill sergeant. There were two new hires and my co-worker and me. I had been off the two days prior and learned of her promotion when I came in. 
> I have never been so angry there. After my co-worker complained they pulled the days tape to watch her. I know they cracked down on her pretty hard she was caught not working and goofing around and stalling on work that could have been finished on time so she wouldn't be pulled for another department. I actually felt sorry for her.
> 
> ...



Yeah, it definitely sounds like you have one like the one I have. What tipped me off was the "I felt sorry for her" that you said. Co-dependent people like my boss are masters at bullying. First they bully you, abuse you with passive aggressiveness, and are generally rotten. Then when they have you crushed, they swoop in and act so nice (rescuer). Then after rescuing you, they start to feel sorry for themselves and act like a victim, making you feel sorry for them. It's all a game. 

Google co-dependent triangles or drama triangles to see if she falls into that. Because I was raised in a co-dependent home, and then was in a co-dependent marriage, I got sucked into her game easily. When I went to HR I admitted that I allowed that [BEEP] to happen for 5 years, but I wasn't going to put up with it anymore. 

You have rights as a worker. Since I reported my boss, she has been made to go seminars on how to be a nicer person. 

But the difference is that your boss seems to be able to manipulate her higher ups, while my higher ups don't really like my boss. But they have been working with her, which is good. In your case, I don't see much hope if she is pulling the wool over her supervisors eyes. 

I have a friend who had the same situation and she ended up quitting. Sometimes that's the best thing if work stresses you out so much that you hate being there. But in today's economy you need to get another job before quitting one. I secured another job (it paid a little less), but I set it up before going to HR, just in case the complaint didn't go well. I ended up staying where I am because I was promised protection and I really didn't want to take a pay cut at the other place. 

And yeah, I have friendships at work too. But I don't have friendships with my bosses. Boundaries get muddy when someone has superiority over you and friendships are supposed to be on equal ground. That's why I never had friendships with the clients I used to counsel and why I only stick to people on my level.

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