# Anxiety Disorders > Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia >  >  safe person

## Chloe

i've heard some things about people with anxiety developing a safe person. and recently i've had my boyfriend go on holiday for 3 weeks and this for me has created a lot of anxiety over trivial things although no panic attacks. i've been so much better with my panic attacks and cant remember the last time i had one although it easily has to be the beginning of September or something like which is amazing. but now my possible safe person has gone away im really scared about what things will be like when he gets back as well as things which i deal with on a normal basis. i was just wondering if anyone else had any experience with having a 'Safe person' or knowing how to identify one ??

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## sanspants

Well, I think we all should have a 'safe person,' or several. It sounds as though it's difficult for you to transition from being with someone to being alone, then back again. I can definitely relate. If I haven't seen my gf in a while, I will become apprehensive about hanging out with her. Immediately upon seeing her, things will be normal again, and I will wonder why I had been afraid. I think you and your boyfriend will be able to "pick up where you left off," and that you'll be surprised at how easy it is (when he returns home). Things will be normal between you because you are the same people you were three weeks ago, even though that feels like an Ice Age.

 I have always needed a 'safe person,' even if they were just a friend or a roommate. A safe person is someone who accepts you for who you are, doesn't try to change you, and is there for you. In return, you can do the same for them. I've learned that friendships sort of ebb and flow, so the 'safe people' in my life, apart from my girlfriend, sometimes change. For me that's the difficult part. What I've had to learn is that drifting apart doesn't have to mean losing faith in one another, or losing the friendship as well. I don't mean to get OT there.

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## Chloe

glad im not just being the clingy other half theres someone else who doesn't like it as much as me. unfortunately it's never really been the case of being able to pick up from where we were. i know its him and i know hes exactly the same person but for some reason i can never relax around him like i could before. but i've always noticed a trend of whenever he went away or i didnt see him or i didnt expose myself to triggers with him i would become sensitised to them and go back to square 1 all over again. fingers crossed though

i'd imagine it would be bad loosing someone that means that much to you, i've lost friendships that have just ebbed like you say i can accept that and just go well they're going in that direction in like and im going in this one so oh well. that for me isn't too traumatic. but i've yet to loose a safe person  (and hopefully i wont loose this one) 

for me the biggest comfort and person who has always helped me with anxiety and just through a rocky period in life that is being a teenager was my boyfriend. but hes been there through all of the anxiety junk despite the fact that he's also been my trigger. i can handle people getting angry to a degree but because he's not an angry person any shouting or even annoyance to me is terrifying mainly because i know its what hes not like. any attention i can handle but if he puts me on the spot sometimes i freeze and can't talk any more (or it feels that way) and the idea of making eye contact is almost offensive. he is my biggest triggers to a lot of things and always has been despite 0 reason for this.  so its a weird one to say the least.

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## L

I always called my safe person my "go to" . This person changes depending on where I am and who I am with. Like I will ask my best friend to come places with me or I will not go, I feel comfortable in their presence even if I am not talking to them but am with another person. It is almost like a child having their parent close by. My best friend also causes me so much hurt, makes me feel angry, hurt and lonely, sometimes I feel really forgotten or worthless to her - sometimes this is me over thinking things and sometimes I know it is not. The thing though is when I am with her everything is great and I feel completely me around her, safe, carefree and happy but often when away from her I get jealous and compare her life to when I am there to when I am not. My safe person make me feel free but also hurts me!! I don't know if that is what you were looking for x

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## Chloe

> I always called my safe person my "go to" . This person changes depending on where I am and who I am with. Like I will ask my best friend to come places with me or I will not go, I feel comfortable in their presence even if I am not talking to them but am with another person. It is almost like a child having their parent close by. My best friend also causes me so much hurt, makes me feel angry, hurt and lonely, sometimes I feel really forgotten or worthless to her - sometimes this is me over thinking things and sometimes I know it is not. The thing though is when I am with her everything is great and I feel completely me around her, safe, carefree and happy but often when away from her I get jealous and compare her life to when I am there to when I am not. My safe person make me feel free but also hurts me!! I don't know if that is what you were looking for x



hmmm sounds like a tough friendship, i get what you mean of being almost jealous of that person and what they have as well as all those thoughts that float in your head while they're busy ignoring you or off doing something you can't do and you almost feel left behind defiantly not a fun feeling. to be fair i'm not sure what im looking for answer wise since i know someone will have to relate, i know that not many people will be able to advise best since very few people know exactly the best way to handle someone elses problems they can only suggest. tricky not fun times i guess  ::\: 
i know one thing that won't be helping is a break down in communication which should be resolved when he gets back but in the mean time its not going to really help me try and relax about the idea of him coming home in about 15 days time

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## merc

I have people I really like and trust. I love them because with these few people I can relax and be myself. Unfortunately, I can't trust or relax around most people. I'm always goofing around with a co-worker,  I like. We are friends and I can laugh and joke freely with him and on occasion I've seen one or two people that I struggle to even look or smile at, look up in bewilderment. 

I don't mean to be rude by judging so many people to be hostile jerks that want to be mean to others on purpose. I've  met so many that are though.

I used to have people that I would beg to go with me to do stuff that I was anxious about, but now I do everything all alone and I get more antsy if some one is with me.

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## Chloe

I get what you mean there are some people I just get a bad feeling around certian people, ive had to explain that I just don't like my boyfriends dad I just get stupidly scared around him and go quiet. And I'll know full well they're lovely friendly people I just can't stand to be around them it just makes me anxious. I had it for a while around my manager and deputy manager but after a while the deputy manager moved just as I was relaxing around him and the manager I'm okay around 90% of the time. Probably doesn't help that he winds me up saying I don't like human contact (he doesn't know so it's all a joke to him)

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## merc

I think most of us have good friends who are "safe."  There are people that I completely relaxed around, family, good friends people who I know like me. At work I can be very reserved, quiet and shy, but occasionally a good friend of mine shows up and I get loud rowdy and funny and you should see some of the bewildered looks I get from people I don't act that way around.

I guess it would be better if I felt sure of myself and comfortable enough to act that way around anyone but I can't. It's as though there are two of me. Shy girl and Donna.

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## merc

Weird I already posted to this.

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## Chantellabella

I have a couple of safe people in my life. They are the ones that will listen and just let me [BEEP] if I need to. Oh and I don't think that's clinging or anything. I just think it's finding someone you truly trust.

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## Misssy

I've not even heard to the term "safe person". I do my own thing. No person is safe. Well that is my opinion only.

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## Suuly Ruuz

My mom and my boyfriend are my two safe people. Mom saves the day almost on a daily basis and shares some great wisdom. There was a week in August when they were both going to be out of town at the same time. He went to Washington to be the best man in his brother's wedding, and mom went on her yearly California trip. He was only gone a week and it went pretty well for me. I only got a weird feeling on the day he was coming home because I just kind of thought he might regret coming back here when he'd rather be in Washington with his family. Things were better than when he left and he was actually excited to be home.

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## Otherside

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Um...Okay?

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## Fincake

My sister.

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## Chantellabella

> Um...Okay?



LOL!

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## Wanda

My parents and my husband are my "safe" people though I really try to be my own safe person first and foremost. Thats a lot of pressure to put on someone, ya know?  I think the fact that you survived nearly a month with your safe person gone, managed your anxiety, and didn't have any panic attacks is a hugely positive sign! Yay you!

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## millielaura

My mum and fiance are my safe people. Mainly my mum- I think shes the only one who can fully calm me down from a panic attack!xx

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## cathering

I think most people who are honest with themselves and others have a "safe person" or "trusted person" they confide their true anxiety and feelings with... Good on you ... !!!! and keep up the good work.  There are some other website like this and also programs/support groups etc at some community centers or local hospitals etc... I'm rather clinging with my mother since i have been sick.... there has been times she has had to help hold me up in hospital or we walk and I had to lean on her i was so ill.... and I had a panic attack one day on the bus after going through a subway tunnel and we went to the emergency at the nearby hospital which worked out really well in the end the doctor gave me a small amount of Valium 2,5mg... (-I was so grateful for that indian/arab doctor i cant remember his name at the mater Brisbane but it started with a H... - he said to me ""you can be proud of yourself for taking this and it will make you feel better its not a vice its a medical condition, and another psychiatrist said to me alprazalam- its supposed to be the top street drug but i don't know why it does little for me- it just helps calm me a little) in small dozes is not a big deal being used longer then usual - the addictive levels are not a big deal really in low doses and its still better then alcohol or other things) and the nurse Stephanie was so good and got me a doctor quickly- I am so scared of hospitals)  and it got me through into the city to see my psychiatrist i was so stressed and i was able to tell my mum she was angry at me but it worked out for the better in the end. 

and a lady at the hospital told me there used to be a research panic and anxiety group at one of the hospitals... check out what is in your area - when you safe person is not around you must set up a strategy in place for when they are away i did with with my mum a few times but i find it hard lately since i have been sick.


also "safe place" is a factor for me... since my illness I think of things that i never used to before like "what if i collapse and i need an ambulance to get in there, or if I collapse and lose memory and get lost etc" ....??? getting an ambulance in a area if i was collapsed or ill having a seizure or heart issue or brain issue ... is my greatest worry or getting lost and memory loss ... so "safe place and safe person" tend to go hand in hand for me...

i often follow my mother around like a shaddow since my illness last year i did this also after the car accident in 1990 ... when i was getting chest pain and always thinking I was going to die and emotional and depressed and i was having anxiety and panic attacks then ... but i was having them in childhood as well with guys shooting guns out windows when were coming home from school we could not go out and play that caused panic in me to go outside or other things like the house fire... when i was 4, 1976.


i spent most of spring sleeping on the sofa... cuz it was further away from the flowering vines that were making me sicker ... with my head and ears and sinuses etc ... I thought i was going to die and the paramedics came regularly each time i thought "well this is it..."". I has weird dreams of being down under the sea and octopuses on my ceiling and grim reapers chains and sounds like i was underground in a coal mine... hearing strange noises often and a mans voice who said "silly girl" how i got sick by accident...  but maybe it was my imagination... i was in bad way... thinking weird things were going on in the neighborhood that spooked me.  songs and voices of spirits saying things in my sub-conscious... like they were sending the animals or other things to tell me stories about things from the past i needed to know or something... it was strange... a delirium of fear and doom and death.

i even made up songs and sang them and put hand movements to them the song was called The Kookaburra Queen... something like... "look at me .... look at me ... look at me I am the kookaburra queen...."for children and its really about a boat but a mix of things... i was so crappy and sick i just thought death was going to happen ... i got sicker and sicker... very very sick that i needed the GPS help every day for 4 weeks... to get better...

i am dead scared of canulars and needles and i even put up with them often...


a safe pill... at the end of the day i worry that i am blissfully ignorant of what is really wrong with me and just taking pills that are masking a serious infection or virus etc...

safe food ... and fluids... i was that way drinking 23 or more glasses of water and nothing else at one stage and very sick... with sodium level problems and heaps of other things...


i cried a lot in October i was in a  lot of pain and i was having crying fits over my cat Sabi who had died a year or two beforehand..... i still miss her terribly but feel she is with me always....because I felt her spirit with me often... very very often... i could hear her spirit song... i heard her so much... keeping me going... and i feel that spirits of loved ones pasted are around me often... some more holding then others...

i keep praying to god for god is the safest being of all... being in gods hands and like a friend said you got to to say "god does not want me yet... and I 'm gonna fight this... I have a baby to look after... I have 4 cats who need me and my mum" ... I want to live. i want to get better...

i am still afraid that i have some disease of the brain stem or middle ear or brain and because my back has been worse lately and i had extremely bad period pain again the worst in absolute ages... i have been ill lately and don't feel great ... i just keep praying to the lord he will save my life.

safe activities... i got that way i would not go too far without my mum even to hospital in the end and i was afraid all the time... if i did certain things certain ways and i did a lot of glazing meditations and that is where some ocd set in more as well... writing down everything in a diary for months when i took meds and how i felt, sleep, how much i drank for the day what i ate and how i was coping etc...

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## Otherside

My partner, I guess. He seems to get most of my crap vented at him. 

Used to attend a support group for that was designed for people my age suffering from mental illness, but I managed to get kicked out when I got into a relationship with said person, who had also been in the support group.

Apparently I was "breaking confidentiality". Fuckers. Everyone in that group was aware and okay with me dating said person.

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## Chloe

> My partner, I guess. He seems to get most of my crap vented at him. 
> 
> Used to attend a support group for that was designed for people my age suffering from mental illness, but I managed to get kicked out when I got into a relationship with said person, who had also been in the support group.
> 
> Apparently I was "breaking confidentiality". Fuckers. Everyone in that group was aware and okay with me dating said person.



i wouldn't say its breaking confidentiality. unless it was the coordinator if he/she was the counsellor/psychologist which would be a breach of professional relationships. sounds a bit pathetic to me, if anything it could cause issues if it would prevent either of you progressing/getting better but you could confide in each other and relate so it may not be a bad thing

i do wonder though as much of a help that having a safe person is, while it lets you explore your thoughts and feelings as well as push yourself knowing theres someone there to tell you how well you're doing or as has happened in the past with me given you a shoulder to hide in and talk you down. it also means that you become dependant on them to push yourself only when they're there and it can limit your social circle

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## Otherside

> i wouldn't say its breaking confidentiality. unless it was the coordinator if he/she was the counsellor/psychologist which would be a breach of professional relationships. sounds a bit pathetic to me, if anything it could cause issues if it would prevent either of you progressing/getting better but you could confide in each other and relate so it may not be a bad thing
> 
> i do wonder though as much of a help that having a safe person is, while it lets you explore your thoughts and feelings as well as push yourself knowing theres someone there to tell you how well you're doing or as has happened in the past with me given you a shoulder to hide in and talk you down. it also means that you become dependant on them to push yourself only when they're there and it can limit your social circle



Nah, it wasn't the co-ordinator, it was just another member.

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## Chloe

Then unless it is specificly covered I wouldn't see what the problem would be. I get that alcoholics or people recoving from drugs need to avoid relationships because of the risk of relapse but they're told that

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## Ironman

The goal is to also be a safe person for other people.  Trust is big and is a two-way street.

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