# Struggles and Support > Frustration and Struggles >  >  Anything bothering you right now?

## Ironman

Paxil fat!

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## Marleywhite

School  ::(:

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## BananaExpress

I don't even know.. but something sure is..

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## Total Eclipse

^ Hope you feel better.

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## fetisha

the pain in my thigh has came again -__-

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## Marleywhite

My eyes are burning from putting on mascara.  ::D:

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## CityofAngels

My sleep schedule is so messed up. I keep trying to change it and nothing works. Something about being isolated makes you nocturnal.

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## fetisha

I dont know why I keep having crappy days on fridays its suppose to be the best day of the week

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## fetisha

I dont know why I keep having crappy days on fridays, its suppose to be the best day of the week.

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## rachelchloe

The fact that my dad is trying to get me to lose weight but all I do is eat...even after he gives me something to help get rid of my hunger./:

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## Skippy

Ya see I have this itch.... 
naw,just kiddin'!
But...nuthin's really botherin' me right now.  8-|

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## huppypuppy

At the moment, a lot is bothering me.... priority bother is a specialist appointment to see if I need an operation on the torn meniscus in my right knee....

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## Skippy

I forgot to put the garbage out for collection.... >,<

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## CityofAngels

> May the road rise up to meet you



Doesn't that mean your always walking uphill?

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## fetisha

I feel like cutting myself but Im trying not to do it.

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## Cheesecake

Too much school work.

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## BananaExpress

Mentally burned out.. I don't see a way out anymore.

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## PHD in Ebonics

everything yet nothing

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## fetisha

> Ya see I have this itch.... 
> naw,just kiddin'!
> But...nuthin's really botherin' me right now.  8-|



-__-

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## CityofAngels

I think I slept for just 3 hours last night.

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## fetisha

I cant wait to have my own place, its so awkward still living at home.

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## fetisha

I can't wait until I'm dead then I wont have to worry so much about the future and the present. I feel like nothing is getting any better and seroquel is doing anything but making me sleepy.

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## Skippy

I'm totally stir crazy at the moment. >_<

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## fetisha

I have been so sick and its scaring me  ::(:

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## Ironman

...that I am back in the pattern of drinking too much caffeine to offset the Paxil and six hour a night sleep.

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## Total Eclipse

everything!!!!!!!!!!!

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## Skippy

> ...that I am back in the pattern of drinking too much caffeine to offset the Paxil and six hour a night sleep.



Achh, MM! That's gonna kill ya if ya keep gettin so little sleep. Here's to hoping ya can get more in the near future! *hug*





> everything!!!!!!!!!!!



Aww, Sis I'm sorry to hear that....hugs to ya! Smile! =]

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## WintersTale

My arms, legs, and back and shoulders hurt. In fact, my whole body aches, and I don't know why?

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## Ironman

> Achh, MM! That's gonna kill ya if ya keep gettin so little sleep. Here's to hoping ya can get more in the near future! *hug*
> 
> 
> Aww, Sis I'm sorry to hear that....hugs to ya! Smile! =]



I crash on Saturdays.  :Rofl:   I also took a two hour nap Sunday, so I do make up the sleep.  The problem is that if I do not sleep in on a Saturday, then the next week is a mess.  That is what happened before I took a day off last Monday.  The week of October 8th, I had to be up at 5:45am instead of my usual 8:45am to 9:00am on two mornings.

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## WintersTale

I just got an email from one of my professors. I am flunking out of the class.

I just emailed my adviser, and asked him for help. I am meeting with him tomorrow, so hopefully I will get some clarification on what to do here.

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## Koalafan

Anxiety!!!!!!!!!!!!  ::(:

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## L

I am really cosy in bed, nice and warm but I really need to pee - also my car broke down today!

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## Sparrow

> I just got an email from one of my professors. I am flunking out of the class.
> 
> I just emailed my adviser, and asked him for help. I am meeting with him tomorrow, so hopefully I will get some clarification on what to do here.




Hope you were able to get some help?

I'm sick of the stress I've been dealing with for the last week.  I was starting to have less anxiety, but all the craziness really affected me, I guess.  I need to just get over it!

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## WintersTale

> Hope you were able to get some help?
> 
> I'm sick of the stress I've been dealing with for the last week.  I was starting to have less anxiety, but all the craziness really affected me, I guess.  I need to just get over it!



Yes, although he was sort of a jerk about it. If I could only change advisers!

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## Antidote

Sore throat is back. I am so sick and tired of this. I want a new throat.

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## L

Head hurts, stress levels up,awake half the night, knot in my tummy 
Sight - get today over with please

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## Equinox

Feeling constantly tired these days  ::s: .

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## WineKitty

Have to get up in six hours and not even close to being tired.....grrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!

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## Skippy

I want....chocolate! But we're stoned, so I can't drive. <=[

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## CaduceusGUILT

A package I sent out seems to have been misplaced, and the courier service is being uncooperative.

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## Sparrow

I have one less vacation day due to a rule I was unaware of.  And, I can't believe it's a big deal when I put in so much time and effort here.  Goes to show that caring too much about your co-workers and the company is just dumb.

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## Skippy

Good lord, NES Development is freakin' hard! It's such a confused mess I've often no idea how to proceed without headaches... ><

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## L

In the process of losing my best friend - what is the worst thing, not being friends with her outweighs staying friends. Sad after 9 years  ::(:

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## Marleywhite

My father is depressed and he keeps drinking sleeping pills with alcohol. Ugh  ::'(:

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## Total Eclipse

> In the process of losing my best friend - what is the worst thing, not being friends with her outweighs staying friends. Sad after 9 years



(((( J )))))

I'm here if you want to talk in private  :Hug:

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## Yellow

Hate the bus  ::

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## fetisha

I wish I was home alone, even my family gives me anxiety

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## L

Thank you hun x

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## L

Watching a program in bullying - so so so angry, people complete suicide because of this - I think more focus needs to be put on the bully themselves and why why why....

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## Sparrow

My new chiropractor had an Australian accent last week and now he doesn't.  ::

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## Total Eclipse

> My new chiropractor had an Australian accent last week and now he doesn't.




Sorry this made me laugh  :Hug:

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## L

I would love to be able to stay in bed today

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## Total Eclipse

> I would love to be able to stay in bed today



 :Hug:

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## Sparrow

> Sorry this made me laugh



Haha, I was so excited to see him yesterday.  And, then I couldn't focus on anything he was saying to me because I was so confused about the loss of the accent or if I imagined it!   ::

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## ThatOneQuietGuy

Dreading work today, because I know I am just gonna get more bad news.

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## Total Eclipse

> Dreading work today, because I know I am just gonna get more bad news.



 :Hug:

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## L

Granted I have another 2-2 1/2 months to do my assignment and I'm interested in the topic - but the research base is SO big

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## Koalafan

Very upset stomach  ::(:

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## Total Eclipse

> Very upset stomach



(((((((hugs)))))))))0

feel better soon!!

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## Anteros

Meh, stupid computer.  Meh.

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## Antidote

Worst cramps today. Ate ice-cream to feel better but now I feel vaguely like barfing. *Sigh*

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## Koalafan

> (((((((hugs)))))))))0
> 
> feel better soon!!



Thank you!!!! Im feeling alitte betta this morning  ::):

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## Koalafan

Bad anxiety right now  ::(:

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## Total Eclipse

> Bad anxiety right now



 :Hug: * /me sprinkles anti anxiety over koala :yay : *

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## Coffee

I hate when other people waste my time.

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## Total Eclipse

> I hate when other people waste my time.



 :Hug:

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## JustAShadow

This day has flow by.

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## Anteros

^ That it has!!!!  

And my sleep schedule is messed up again.  Too much coffee today!

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## Monroe

I'm feeling quite misunderstood at the moment.  Feel like my online "friends" aren't seeing my situation correctly and seem to be belittling things. Maybe that's just my perception, but I hate when others underestimate the issues I'm dealing with.

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## L

I have my e-mail ready to send but I am too afraid to sent it

Also my brother has only been in college 2 months and he has had more nights out than my 2 and a bit years.

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## Member11

> I hate when other people waste my time.



Yeah, I know the feeling. :Hug:

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## Skippy

I'm soooo hungry! Dinner can't be done fast enough.

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## Denise

> I'm soooo hungry! Dinner can't be done fast enough.



Ditto

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## Coffee

> 







> Yeah, I know the feeling.



 ::):  thanks 





> ^ That it has!!!!  
> 
> And my sleep schedule is messed up again.  *Too much coffee today!*



 :;):

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## Anteros

How some people can be so insensitive.

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## Chocolate

Do not want to be awake right now. Do not want to work either

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## Sparrow

My neck is killing me!

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## Total Eclipse

> My neck is killing me!



 :Hug:  feel better soon :/

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## WintersTale

My whole body aches.

And I don't need to bring up all the drama from the other forum, but that kind of freaked me out yesterday. I am ready to delete all of my 10,000 posts over there.

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## L

> Do not want to be awake right now. Do not want to work either



Hugs. Pm me if you ever want someone to chat with x

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## fetisha

I highly doubt my sa will ever go away, its way to strong  ::(:

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## Parthenia

It's turning cold. I want to hide under the covers and never come out.

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## Coffee

I hate it when dreams remind you of things that you just want to forget about. Then you wake up completely disappointed that it isn't real.

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## Anteros

Bad muscle cramps in my ribs tonight.

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## Koalafan

Achy back  ::(:

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## WintersTale

Worried about my classes.

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## L

It is Monday morming....

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## Sparrow

So upset.  I really need to find a new job.

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## Dan

Lonely. I wish more people would use the tinychat here.

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## Total Eclipse

> So upset.  I really need to find a new job.




 :Hug:

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## Total Eclipse

> Lonely. I wish more people would use the tinychat here.



 :Hug:  I wish more people would use it too, hopefully when we get the Flashcroms, it's more used.

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## Chocolate

I'm a cow :/

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## Total Eclipse

> I'm a cow :/



*bopa* nooo you aren't.

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## L

Bored....very bored

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## CityofAngels

I sent an email to a guy selling rare fish asking how much the shipping would be on some fish I was interested in and he said he needed my full address, just saying Los Angeles wasn't enough. I send him my full address and today I get an email saying the fish have been sent and here's the bill. And the price is absurdly high. I wonder if the guy did it on purpose.

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## fetisha

my f**king tooth  ::(:

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## Coffee

So its either a) you don't care, b) you don't care enough to notice, or c) you care but not enough to talk to me about it. 

All roads lead back to A, and I hate that you take up space and time in my mind despite this. I can't believe I fell for you. I should have known better.

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## CityofAngels

> So its either a) you don't care, b) you don't care enough to notice, or c) you care but not enough to talk to me about it.



It might be d) he's a man.

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## Coffee

> It might be d) he's a man.



But it's a woman! 

.. actually that's an explanation in itself. We women are craaazy.

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## CityofAngels

> *But it's a woman!* 
> 
> .. actually that's an explanation in itself. We women are craaazy.



Then you might be in trouble here.

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## Coffee

> Then you might be in trouble here.



Hahaha you know it  :Razz:

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## foe

I'm so disappointed in myself. I hate being lazy but sometimes I just don't have it in me to try.

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## Chocolate

> *bopa* nooo you aren't.



A heifer then  ::):

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## Antidote

Health issues again.

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## Parthenia

My daughter is having a baby today, this is going to be her 3ed child. This means that I'm going to be babysitting her other 2 children for the next 2 or 3 days. I'm so nervous that I feel like throwing up. Normally, I can watch small kids okay, but the oldest one is really a handful because he blind and has several other issues and medications he needs to take, and the other grandchild is two years old, and shes a handful too. Its sounds like I'm gonna have my hands full. I'm so not good with little kids, especially those kids.  ::(:  

It makes me so mad that she keeps having babies with that dirty rat man. Every time shes given birth he's not there for her. He's off having an affair, living with some other woman, doing drugs, and drinking. Yet, I bet she takes him right back, like she does every time. Then he'll smack her around and abuse her some more. Arghhh!! The stupidity of it all!!! She never listens to me. I don't want to babysit! I have a busy week planned at work. Its biggest day of the year on Thursday, and preparations start today. 

I so want to be happy for her. Most grandparents are thrilled to receive more grand babies, but I am not. Its so selfish of her to keep having babies when the blind child needs so much attention. Part of feels that she got herself into this mess. Soon she will have nowhere to live because she's getting evicted and I certainly don't want them to move here. She's never had a job, just stays home making babies. What a big mess!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Edit.... I'm gonna be there for her though, I have to be. Everything's gonna be alright.

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## L

Sitting in a cafe on my own, to early to leave for training. Why am u always so early..

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## Koalafan

Too much anxiety right now!!! My body is simply rejecting any thought of going to school or classes =/

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## Total Eclipse

::(:

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## Koalafan

> 



 ::(:   :Hug:

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## Anteros

I have a bit of a headache.

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## Koalafan

My throats been annoying me for awhile! ><

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## Skippy

I'm really bored, I have to go back to my job at HBC soon.

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## Anteros

Just to feel content... to not worry so much.   If only.

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## SweetsoulSister

Just horribly depressed tonight. I can barely move it's ridiculous. It feels like a depression coma. Took extra sleep meds just to hope to doze off into a better place and wake up better.

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## Anteros

> Just horribly depressed tonight. I can barely move it's ridiculous. It feels like a depression coma. Took extra sleep meds just to hope to doze off into a better place and wake up better.



 :Hug:

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## L

Butterflies in my tummy, have a meeting this morning I seen to never be prepared

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## Coffee

It's crazy how life can go from pretty alright to disastrous in a couple of minutes. [BEEP] this, this is way too much for me and I don't want to do this anymore.

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## Chocolate

My stomach  ::(:  I really want to just stab it so the air will leave and it won't feel bloated anymore.

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## Sparrow

I had one of the worst migraines ever last night, and now I am thoroughly exhausted and feel drugged  ::(: .  I don't know how I'm going to make it through today.

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## L

> I had one of the worst migraines ever last night, and now I am thoroughly exhausted and feel drugged .  I don't know how I'm going to make it through today.



 :Hug:

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## L

Putting stress on myself that I don't need to be stress about yet. 

I mean who in there right mind starts preparing for summer exams when Christmas has not even come yet, this year has me freaked out - I can't bare look at my assignment as it is driving me mad now so taking a break from it for a few days and looking at brain stuff - I understand it and all but I just don't know when I have too much information of too little....

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## fetisha

I'm so horny and i cant do anything about it  ::(:

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## RawrJessiRawr

He keeps messing with my emotions now, mocking things i dont find funny. Making fb status' about the things he knows would bother him -.- im starting to get frustrated

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## cmed

I ate before going to bed. Probably the worst thing you can do. I was too damn hungry though.

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## Sparrow

Rebound migraines and an upper respiratory infection thanks to this Texas weather.  I want to die  ::(: .

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## Skippy

So I go back to my job tomorrow...
Uggh, I really dun wanna work there again. >_< 
Least after Jan 15th, I shall leave there for good. I would prefer doin' somethin'
else now.

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## Antidote

I just ate something which makes me think I'm about to get some serious food poisoning.

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## Chocolate

I am gaining the "freshman fifteen" and I'm not even in college x_x

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## Monroe

I have to venture up to my college today to take a test  in person for an online course. I'm not confident _at all_ about this.. I understand everything and can do the problems perfectly when I have my notebook to guide me. But during the test? I forget and do everything wrong. Also nervous because of social anxiety, I hate having to go to the testing center and filling out all the forms and talking with the people..

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## Sagan

My roommate stomping up and down the stairs ahhh

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## Koalafan

Depressed  ::(:

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## jsgt

The neighbors dog is making so much noise. Not barking, more like eerie howling. I want to go over there and dognap it and bring it over here. Also need sleep so bad, but feel like I should be awake doing things...

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## foe

I hope I find my motivation this weekend. Or tomorrow. Soon anyway.

I only have 5 weeks of school left, so it's pointless to dropout now.

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## IllusionOfHappiness

Whatever the hell is up with my sinuses.

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## Total Eclipse

My dad and I got in a fight, not sure if this can be fixed :/

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## jsgt

> My dad and I got in a fight, not sure if this can be fixed :/



Sorry to hear...give it time and everything will work out.

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## L

I like talking with people on here - I am just no good at starting or holding up conversations

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## L

> My dad and I got in a fight, not sure if this can be fixed :/



I hope it can be worked out hun, as said give it time xxx

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## Denise

Want to open the windows in my caravan but don't want neighbours staring at me

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## fetisha

pms, my tooth ache and since I'm on ssi and cant see my therapist cause my insurance wont cover me anymore now I have to switch my insurance again  :-_-:

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## Chocolate

I can't stop eating candy. I can't stop eating in general.

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## rachelchloe

Myself. 

Seriously. I'm upset because of the way I am.

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## FracturedMoonlight

Sometimes I have trouble making sense between what's really going on, and what my mind is telling me is going on. Today is one of those days =/

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## Monroe

I'm frustrated that I can't seem to make friends online.

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## Total Eclipse

> I'm frustrated that I can't seem to make friends online.




 :Hug:

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## RawrJessiRawr

Im nervous o.o im going bowling for the first time today. i want to cancel -.- and avoid it but im not.

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## Total Eclipse

> Im nervous o.o im going bowling for the first time today. i want to cancel -.- and avoid it but im not.



Well,  once your done you will fee relief, and should be proud that you got it done!!  ::):

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## SweetsoulSister

Men. Just OMG.

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## Total Eclipse

> Men. Just OMG.




 :Hug:

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## L

> Sometimes I have trouble making sense between what's really going on, and what my mind is telling me is going on. Today is one of those days =/



I find writing down my thoughts and being able to see them helps make sense.

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## L

No reply  ::(:

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## jsgt

> I'm frustrated that I can't seem to make friends online.



Here's a  :Hug: . Don't think that it's because of you...some people are fickle and it may take a while to find someone who you "mesh" with. Try not to feel bad.

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## Chocolate

My stomach. Oh god I just need it removed or something.

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## IllusionOfHappiness

I have this stupid cold and it would be perfectly fine if it weren't for the constant dry/itchy you/re-going-to-gag cough. Halls coat my throat but the second they wear off it comes back. Hope I don't run out before tomorrow! More importantly I hope I sleep tonight.

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## Chieve

i cant figure out why i cant get out the first hello to someone.

no matter what i study, it doesnt seem to work...

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## Fool

unwarranted jealousy.

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## FracturedMoonlight

I can't escape this nauseating feeling of vulnerability, and going through this horrible silence. I'm left with my thoughts for too long and I end up feeling alone. I wish I could stop falling for people, it's too intense for me haha..

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## Coffee

> I can't escape this nauseating feeling of vulnerability, and going through this horrible silence. I'm left with my thoughts for too long and I end up feeling alone. I wish I could stop falling for people, it's too intense for me haha..



Same!

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## Denise

Neighbours blasting the same songs for 1 month now and mixing tupac with chris brown and nickel back wtf

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## Koalafan

My friend keeps bailing and bailing and bailing on me...what a nice combination to have with an already disturbingly low self-esteem!

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## jsgt

Freaking migraine! I just ran my head under the faucet, so hopefully it will start to go away now that my hairs soaked. _hopefully_

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## fetisha

ouch, sorry for your suffering

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## L

Trying to be part of a conversation is hard enough without the feeling of needing to clear your throat every 5mins

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## Sagan

What is the policy of suicidal subjects here on AS?

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## JustGaara

Panic attack woke me out of my sleep. Now I'm afraid to go back to bed  :Sleep:   :Crossed Arms:

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## Chieve

this kid i recommended for work. i got him a job, and now his work ethic is terrible. I could go on this huge rant but I'm not feeling it right now...

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## Coffee

please leave my head. i don't want you here anymore. get out. it's mine. take your words with you. all of the beautiful words that you spoke. while you're at it, maybe you could mail my heart back? it's the one that's stuck to the bottom of your hammer. i don't know whether i can fix it anymore, but it's worth a shot. if not, i'll just shoot it.

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## L

All I have is jeans - I don't want to wear jeans I  - I also got an email that I am scared to read!

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## kc1895

I RSVP'd for a meetup, but didn't show up.  I even promised my therapist i would go to a meetup once a week.  I always keep my promises without letting anyone down.  My energy level has been really low and i've been using it as an excuse.

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## Anteros

Still too much chaos...

I'm tired of it.

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## Chocolate

i kinda want to die

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## Ont Mon

> i kinda want to die



 :Hug:  ::s: ad:

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## RawrJessiRawr

A wave of insecurities are hitting me atm :/ im feeling terrible about myself

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## Prodigy

Try to have a serious conversation and end up leaving. Explain to me how you were worth my time again? Yea, thought so. Dumb bitch.

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## Anteros

Too much crap making me sad lately.

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## L

Do I really have to face college today. God Dammit Im a freak

----------


## anonymid

This stupid cough won't go away.

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## Antidote

Sometimes I wonder if I have jaundice.

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## CrysCringle

I'm really anxious about telling my boyfriend about my older half-brother... again. I told him about my half-brother when we first met, but then I told him again when I added my half-brother on fb... but that time he said that I never told him about this guy before and I'm afraid that he thinks I'm a liar and that that guy isn't really my brother at all. =/ It's frustrating.

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## IllusionOfHappiness

Exhausted, as usual. And I'm sure sometime around 8 or 9pm I'll get my second wind and want to stay up all night again. This isn't healthy but at least I re-thought the energy drink idea. Yikes! It's tempting, I'm sure those little 5-hr things would to the trick, but I don't wanna get hooked.

I should have known this course wasn't going to pan out. At all. I'm just not there, not where I need to be to accomplish anything other than the bare minimum. It's frustrating. If I worked really, really hard maybe I could catch up. But I can't bring myself to work _at all._ I'm so angry with myself.

 ::

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## Denise

I barely ever talk to my real life friends. It's my online friends who seem to care more about what I post on Facebook, how I'm doing today, etc. How could I possibly invite anyone to my birthday party without boring the [BEEP] out of them?

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## FracturedMoonlight

> please leave my head. i don't want you here anymore. get out. it's mine. take your words with you. all of the beautiful words that you spoke. while you're at it, maybe you could mail my heart back? it's the one that's stuck to the bottom of your hammer. i don't know whether i can fix it anymore, but it's worth a shot. if not, i'll just shoot it.



I feel like we're in a similar place, Coffee =/

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## Total Eclipse

::(:

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## SmileyFace

Telemarketers been blowing up my mobile phone a lot o_o

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## Sparrow

I need to find a way to deal with stress better b/c this freaking out and making myself sick isn't working anymore  ::(: .  I can't handle things anymore.

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## Coffee

> I feel like we're in a similar place, Coffee =/



Yeah I've noticed that too! The worst thing is when you wake up and that person is literally the first thing on your mind. Or in your dreams. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's going to get better and eventually I'm going to wake up thinking about something else. Hang in there. Heartbreak sucks but the pain will lessen over time.

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## Prodigy

Sluts gon be sluts.

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## fetisha

I still haven't got my book for my computer class in the mail yet  and I need it so I can pass the class  :-_-:

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## Secretly Pretentious

Grrrrrrr! How many posts do I have to have until I'm able to edit? I keep making little typos here and there. I feel stupid just leaving them there for everyone to see.

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## Secretly Pretentious

Postity-post. Wasteful post to up my post count so I can edit sooner. :razz:

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## ScottishWarrior

I feel more depressed today than I have in years need to get stronger meds from the doctor I really couldnt care less about being alive at the moment death would release me from my sadness ::

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## CrysCringle

I'm frustrated at myself for being such a perfectionist! Like, today, I got my grade for my writing exam back and I got a freaking B. You would think, "Isn't that awesome?", but no... it's not... to me. I wanted a perfect score, lol. I mean, it's the first B that I earned, which made me feel even worse. I feel like a failure, but I know that I shouldn't because I got a B... not a C, D, or F.... a B. Why can't I just be happy with that? Ugh!

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## L

Two more assignments O_o I try not to freak out and just get on with it

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## ScottishWarrior

Cryscringle If got a B in an exam I would be delighted best result I ever had was a C.

----------


## The Wanderer

I can't seem to get out of bed in the morning. It's been getting worse this year. I have no desire to get up, even though I have work very early.  And I have no energy in the morning.  I've been getting to work late every, trying so hard to change that

----------


## SweetsoulSister

Could really use a man in my life but on the other hand the stress would probably do me in. I think I just need a solid hug from one. Not in the *I want to [BEEP] you* kind of way... just from one human being to another, like a beautiful gesture.

----------


## Sparrow

I've developed restless leg syndrome, and it's driving me craaaaaazy.  Why can't I just be still!

----------


## Koalafan

I feel like a failure

----------


## Katie

> I feel more depressed today than I have in years need to get stronger meds from the doctor I really couldnt care less about being alive at the moment death would release me from my sadness



I hope you feel better soon.

----------


## Monotony

I should get some sleep but I cant sleep  ::

----------


## Fallen18

My arms are so sore from carrying all those boxes yesterday. But on a positive note its the last day before thanksgiving break  ::):

----------


## Fallen18

Gahhh 40 degrees out and I have no hot water. Nothing like waking up to arctic water at 5 in the morning.

----------


## Maliblue

.

----------


## L

> Could really use a man in my life but on the other hand the stress would probably do me in. I think I just need a solid hug from one. Not in the *I want to [BEEP] you* kind of way... just from one human being to another, like a beautiful gesture.



 :Hug:  Hope you feel better soon hun x





> I feel like a failure



What happened hun?





> My emotions are totally messed up because of a guy online, wtf i can't believe i've been so naive and i just want to kill myself...



Is it worth feeling bad over him?

----------


## Maliblue

.

----------


## L

> Yes, things went really crazy and it's may fault it all happened



Your saying it is your fault that things went wrong? Is there something that could be done about it?

----------


## cmed

one of those days  ::

----------


## Monotony

I'm cold but it's not cold in my house.

----------


## Koalafan

> What happened hun?



Just feel like Im never going to be able to connect to anybody =/

----------


## Fallen18

My parents are so annoying when it comes to me on the computer they're so noisy. Like gezz what the hell do you think I'm doing that you feel the need to grill me about what sites I'm on. I'm a good citizen I swear x'(

----------


## Coffee

Months and months after my grandpa dies, he finally makes an appearance in my dream. I don't really know if that's good or bad. It's good because it's about damn time I think of him in my dreams, but it's bad because it made me a little upset that I'm never really going to see his face again.

----------


## Coffee

fuuuuuuuucccckkk wtf is happening right now.

----------


## Anteros

Feeling pretty lonely today.

----------


## Koalafan

> Feeling pretty lonely today.



Same here  ::(:  

 :Hug:

----------


## Fallen18

In the car before Christmas songs where playing........and I couldn't help but think about last Christmas it made me teary. I hope it isn't like this with every Christmas now. I just couldn't help but remember coming home from the hospital to a little pile of presents under the tree for me unopened and waiting b/c I missed Christmas I missed the dinner, I missed putting up the tree, I missed opening the presents with my family, staying up with my sisters all night. I only got a phone call & 30 minutes with my parents that day and I wasn't even able to hug my sisters on the other side of a door just wave through a small window and that was it. I just sat there and opened them by myself as my mom watched cautiously everyone treated me like I was a bomb ready to go off......it felt so lonely :c god I was such a idiot. (Sorry for depressing up the forum just had a moment & needed to vent)

----------


## Anteros

> Same here



Aw, sorry to hear that.  :Hug: 

Thanks for the huggers.  ::):

----------


## Anteros

> In the car before Christmas songs where playing........and I couldn't help but think about last Christmas it made me teary. I hope it isn't like this with every Christmas now. I just couldn't help but remember coming home from the hospital to a little pile of presents under the tree for me unopened and waiting b/c I missed Christmas I missed the dinner, I missed putting up the tree, I missed opening the presents with my family, staying up with my sisters all night. I only got a phone call & 30 minutes with my parents that day and I wasn't even able to hug my sisters on the other side of a door just wave through a small window and that was it. I just sat there and opened them by myself as my mom watched cautiously everyone treated me like I was a bomb ready to go off......it felt so lonely :c god I was such a idiot. (Sorry for depressing up the forum just had a moment & needed to vent)



  :Hug:

----------


## Koalafan

> Aw, sorry to hear that. 
> 
> Thanks for the huggers.



Your welcome! And thank you for the huggers as well!!  :Hug:

----------


## Fallen18

> 



Thanks for the supportive hug hon (hugs back) xx. I needed one and it cheered me up a bit  ::):

----------


## Anteros

> Thanks for the supportive hug hon (hugs back) xx. I needed one and it cheered me up a bit



You're welcome!  Glad I could make you feel better.  ::): 






> Your welcome! And thank you for the huggers as well!!



 :Celebrate:

----------


## jsgt

I was invited to have dinner at a friends place...and all I can think about is how glad I am that I'm not going. Here I am thinking this way, and he just sent me a text wishing me happy turkey day. ugh
A couple weeks ago, I did explain to him a little about why I act the way I do...but I'm not sure if he understood or not. I guess it's not so bad when he knows the type of person I am. I tried to let him know that it's nothing personal.

----------


## L

Im stressing again - if I do nothing I don't stress, if I try doing some work I STRESS to the last!

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Daylight and the fact that it happens.

----------


## rachelchloe

Its thanksgiving, and about 20 something people are here. I was sitting at the table, and no one talked to me. I got one hug, out of the whole family, and then i sat there at the table for about half an hour staring at things on the table. I got up, and went into the back bedroom. Sorta sat there for about 25 minutes, with people passing by, and when someone did come in, they asked about my dogs clothes.

I feel really unwanted, and like a complete outsider in my family. I feel like no one cares, or even gives a second thought about my exsistince. Yeah, yeah. It sounds really self absorbed to say this...I just wish someone would care. 

You know? Happy thanksgiving, everyone.

----------


## Fallen18

^ that's what happened to me accept with less people so they did notice me just choose not go say hi or talk to me after 10 minutes of stealing food and just sitting there being ignored I went up to my room again. Lol like uh happy thanksgiving? You're in my house eating the food I made for you I'm your niece/cousin we've met before ..... I feel loved & wanted x) *sigh* whatever. I still get food so I'm thankful for that I suppose *hugs if okay* cheer up Girly don't let that bring your day down. Happy thanksgiving!

----------


## rachelchloe

> ^ that's what happened to me accept with less people so they did notice me just choose not go say hi or talk to me after 10 minutes of stealing food and just sitting there being ignored I went up to my room again. Lol like uh happy thanksgiving? You're in my house eating the food I made for you I'm your niece/cousin we've met before ..... I feel loved & wanted x) *sigh* whatever. I still get food so I'm thankful for that I suppose *hugs if okay* cheer up Girly don't let that bring your day down. Happy thanksgiving!



Thanks, I am thankful. It's just I wish my family liked me enough to say hello or talk to me. I dunno, maybe its just cause i'm depressed,  but it's always been like this. I had my cousin to be 'alone' with me, but now shes even got them talking to her. We're the same age, and we were even sitting next to each other, but I was just ignored. Sorry. Its just a super shitty feeling.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Its thanksgiving, and about 20 something people are here. I was sitting at the table, and no one talked to me. I got one hug, out of the whole family, and then i sat there at the table for about half an hour staring at things on the table. I got up, and went into the back bedroom. Sorta sat there for about 25 minutes, with people passing by, and when someone did come in, they asked about my dogs clothes.
> 
> I feel really unwanted, and like a complete outsider in my family. I feel like no one cares, or even gives a second thought about my exsistince. Yeah, yeah. It sounds really self absorbed to say this...I just wish someone would care. 
> 
> You know? Happy thanksgiving, everyone.



Happy Thanksgiving! First off...20 something people? I do not envy you. 

Secondly, that doesn't sound self absorbed at all. They could have made an effort to talk to you. Sometimes when there's a group of people at my house, the conversation will form into two really distinct subjects. It's like okay...I would jump in somewhere but I can't talk about sports cars with the guys, and my aunt's personal matters don't concern me. That's okay though, I'll just sit here bored in awkward silence.  :-_-: 

I hope you feel better soon. Did you have a good meal, at least?

----------


## rachelchloe

> Happy Thanksgiving! First off...20 something people? I do not envy you. 
> 
> Secondly, that doesn't sound self absorbed at all. They could have made an effort to talk to you. Sometimes when there's a group of people at my house, the conversation will form into two really distinct subjects. It's like okay...I would jump in somewhere but I can't talk about sports cars with the guys, and my aunt's personal matters don't concern me. That's okay though, I'll just sit here bored in awkward silence. 
> 
> I hope you feel better soon. Did you have a good meal, at least?



Yeah, I have a big family. And this is all on my dads side. Thanks, by the way. And yeah, they were talking about video games, (which i can relate to.) and they were talking about my cousins boyfriend and school and stuff. Atleast, that was what they were talking about on my side of the table. 

And yeah, the meal was pretty good. But i'm sorry your thanksgiving was as awkward as mine./:

----------


## FracturedMoonlight

Going over to my aunt's. There's always something that happens, it's hard to keep myself composed. I don't like Holidays mostly for the reason of gathering family members that don't really care much about each other  :Razz:  I have a feeling my aunt doesn't like me, since two years ago at a party at her house, I had something to drink and drove myself home. She's very against drinking anything and driving, even though I barely had a thing and was completely ok to drive. 

It's not just that incident, I have a feeling she misunderstands my anxiety as rudeness, and sees me as this inconsiderate, self-absorbed person for barely speaking or wanting to be left alone. It's just tense all around. But I'm thankful there won't be many people there, so I shouldn't complain haha.

----------


## Fallen18

> Thanks, I am thankful. It's just I wish my family liked me enough to say hello or talk to me. I dunno, maybe its just cause i'm depressed,  but it's always been like this. I had my cousin to be 'alone' with me, but now shes even got them talking to her. We're the same age, and we were even sitting next to each other, but I was just ignored. Sorry. Its just a super shitty feeling.



Hey no need to be sorry I've been there *BIG hugs* being depressed sucks. My family was the same way with me when I was depressed maybe just sit next to someone you know even if its your cousin that way your not alone in your room?? Sorry I know I'm not the best advice giver and I remember my empty room being way more comforting than a downstairs room full of family but I think it would just try to talk to a few of them even if they didn't say hi. Your family loves you they are just to absorbed in what they are doing/thinking/talking to its not that they don't like you. Maybe try to join in you might have fun who knows  ::):  maybe try to say hi to someone who didn't say hi to you I'm sure they'll smile and say hi back.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Yeah, I have a big family. And this is all on my dads side. Thanks, by the way. And yeah, they were talking about video games, (which i can relate to.) and they were talking about my cousins boyfriend and school and stuff. Atleast, that was what they were talking about on my side of the table. 
> 
> And yeah, the meal was pretty good. But i'm sorry your thanksgiving was as awkward as mine./:



Oh, I'm in Canada we had our thanksgiving last month.  :Tongue: 
That's just what tends to happen when enough of the family gathers - the split conversations. 

Well, cheers to a good meal.  :: 

There's a bit of a break between now and the next big family meal, anyway.

----------


## Fallen18

Oh god people freak me the f*** out some are so scary.

----------


## Coffee

you better have a reaaaaaallly good excuse for this.

----------


## Chieve

i dont think i'll ever be smart enough to get an A in school...i just have too much going on...

----------


## Fallen18

The heater is making my room like the Sahara desert can't. Breathe.

----------


## Monotony

I'm feeling very lethargic when it comes to doing things I used to love,

----------


## CityofAngels

Mark Sanchez I hate you so much.

----------


## cmed

^ Seconded. The team is an absolute mess. I think it may be time to tear it all down and start over.

----------


## Fallen18

That panicky moment where someone adds you as a friend a day ago & when you go to their page they have no posts, no visitor messages, no additional info, and it shows you're the only person that visited their page and you think to yourself.....holy [BEEP] who does this person know me?  :Mega Shock:  idk I just think its odd that adding me was the first thing they did when they got to a new site....*singing* suspiciousssss.

----------


## Monotony

I'm so fucking tired of not being able to just be my self.

----------


## Fallen18

Bad thoughts idk why even when healthy I think of suicide....it makes no sense?? I don't want to do anything stupid but at the same time I think what's the point of trying when I'll never succeed or be where I want to be in life. My own mom doesn't think I'm going to be anything she told me she doesn't think I should go to college b/c she thinks I'll probably just get dropped.....I'm always a failure if not in my own eyes in others. I love trying new things but at the same time I don't. I judge myself too harshly at times but I can't help my thought process of being critical even I think of myself as a failure I never do anything right always something I did wrong. I can't stand it. I also can't stand my whining   :-_-:

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

> Bad thoughts idk why even when healthy I think of suicide....it makes no sense?? I don't want to do anything stupid but at the same time I think what's the point of trying when I'll never succeed or be where I want to be in life. My own mom doesn't think I'm going to be anything she told me she doesn't think I should go to college b/c she thinks I'll probably just get dropped.....I'm always a failure if not in my own eyes in others. I love trying new things but at the same time I don't. I judge myself too harshly at times but I can't help my thought process of being critical even I think of myself as a failure I never do anything right always something I did wrong. I can't stand it. I also can't stand my whining




I'm not good with support so this is all I can think of.

Aw mija, don't be sad. You shouldn't be thinking about suicide and you shouldn't be thinking you'll never succeed or you'll never try to.  :Hug: 

That was all I could think of. I came up with something more humorous but I wasn't sure if it was appropriate or if you would get it.

----------


## Monotony

> I'm not good with support so this is all I can think of.
> 
> Aw mija, don't be sad. You shouldn't be thinking about suicide and you shouldn't be thinking you'll never succeed or you'll never try to. 
> 
> That was all I could think of. I came up with something more humorous but I wasn't sure if it was appropriate or if you would get it.



Even if you think you cant succeeded in the world even if you try, then try anyways because f*ck the world.

----------


## Fallen18

Haha aw thanks for the awkward hug fireistheclenser it got a smile out of me and even though you think otherwise I believe you're very good at being supportive since you make a lot of people laugh  ::):  that's a great way to be and wise words monotony.

----------


## Total Eclipse

.

----------


## rachelchloe

My suicidal thoughts are back. And they've been back for a while. It just hurts to admit that I can't control myself anymore.

----------


## Koalafan

> My suicidal thoughts are back. And they've been back for a while. It just hurts to admit that I can't control myself anymore.



Hugs!  :Hug:

----------


## rachelchloe

> Hugs!



Thanks.  ::

----------


## Fallen18

Bad memories of past events that I don't want to remember but never seem to go away.  I feel so gross all the time u_u

----------


## Anteros

Career problems.  The economy isn't helping.

----------


## Arcadia

I get grief for not putting myself out there, yet when I do, those same people shoot me down.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Truthfully, dropping this course doesn't bother me at all. In reality it's only half the course anyway. Lost a couple hundred dollars. Oh well, earned them back today & last Monday working OT. It's telling everyone else that's the shitty part. Then I have to get into "it's complicated". Why was it complicated? Why did you give up? That's not how it happened at all. In fact I didn't give up I went back and I tried again but it went nowhere. It wasn't happening. End of. I went through a rough depressive episode and there's just so much more to it than that. I don't want pity. I don't want to hear how I lost money. And I don't want to hear how this is going to effect my future school plans, because I can't fathom the idea of any of that at the moment. I need to focus on the here and now so I can get the hell over this. I need to be able to wake up and not feel like I'm constantly avoiding the inevitable emotional/psychological storms that brew all too often.

----------


## Antidote

I'm feeling very irritable and apathetic today. On the brink of a rage I think. Possibly hormonal issues. Better be careful and avoid triggers and eat something before something bad happens.

----------


## Meadowlark

I didn't get the job... big surprise.

----------


## Total Eclipse

The change of weather so fast, has made me sick :[

----------


## RawrJessiRawr

He literally just told me he wanted to ask me out but needed to know metaphorically first so he could decide if he wanted to sleep with this hot girl or not -.- i hate my love life.

----------


## Chocolate

I feel anxious. At night, that's weird. Whyyyy

No sleep tonight  :O_O:

----------


## Anteros

Touch of depression.  Meh!

----------


## Arcadia

Tension with someone else.  I wasn't able to sleep, because I keep going over our conversations in my head.  I don't get how or where things went wrong, but I feel terrible that things are like this now.

----------


## fetisha

my favorite show icarly is going to be canceled  ::(:

----------


## Marleywhite

I am sick. My throat is sore and I feel lethargic

----------


## Fallen18

I just feel weak and stressed out I need a long break from everything....than again my life has been on hold for so long with depression I suppose I've never lived it. Maybe I don't need a break but just try to live??....but doing things out of my comfort zone makes me even more stressed and I can't handle stress well and I'm so confused about what to do. What direction to go in life. Plus I've been feeling really sad lately I just haven't been enjoying things u_u I want to have fun.

----------


## Sagan

Depression. But trying to fight it and stay positive.

----------


## Monotony

> I just feel weak and stressed out I need a long break from everything....than again my life has been on hold for so long with depression I suppose I've never lived it. Maybe I don't need a break but just try to live??....*but doing things out of my comfort zone makes me even more stressed and I can't handle stress well and I'm so confused about what to do. What direction to go in life. Plus I've been feeling really sad lately I just haven't been enjoying things u_u I want to have fun*.



 I know that feel  :Hug:

----------


## Fallen18

^ sending you hugs than *virtual hugssss*

----------


## Total Eclipse

/

----------


## rachelchloe

I'm upset because my life now focuses on the fact that I want to die.

I can't think of anything else.

----------


## WintersTale

My stomach is all messed up. I think it's from the homemade tacos I had tonight, or maybe just anxiety.

----------


## WineKitty

I am depressed tonight and feel alone.  I have a few health issues that I know are contributing to this and making it much worse.  I cannot even trust my own judgement right now.

----------


## SweetsoulSister

Triggers for depression are everywhere.

 And nighttime its impossible to escape the sick feeling in my stomach that reminds me, no matter how my day has gone or who has made my day good, how lonely I feel. Days are different. Filled with energy. Nights I drift away in a haze to not feel anything.

----------


## WintersTale

God, I feel sick right now.

----------


## Monotony

My throat is killing me it better not be tonsillitis.

----------


## Chantellabella

My DVD player died.
My cat just barfed up more than she weighs
My other cat presently is walking across my keyboard putting his tail in my face
I guess I have to deal with life today, huh?

I can do it.
I can do it.
It will be hard, but I can do it.
I have to do it. 
I have no other options.
And I will force myself to enjoy today.
Somehow.

----------


## The Wanderer

I've had an annoying cold for a week now and it doesn't seem to be going away yet

----------


## L

Stress levels maxed. Knocked my drink over the keyboard of my laptop I cannot afford to be without it, its been there days and  its really messed up  ::'(:

----------


## gilt

Something that happened many years ago...damned memories.

----------


## Sagan

My moms cancer has re emerged. I was only continuing to live and keeping myself together for her only. when she goes, so shall I. There is no word in the human lexicon that can describe how I feel. But it can only be described as Bad. and that is like saying Yeah my arm got seared off but I feel great.

----------


## MrQuiet76

> My moms cancer has re emerged. I was only continuing to live and keeping myself together for her only. when she goes, so shall I. There is no word in the human lexicon that can describe how I feel. But it can only be described as Bad. and that is like saying Yeah my arm got seared off but I feel great.



I'm so sorry to hear this  ::(:  ... my mom also had a recurrence of cancer a few months ago and the day that I found out was one of the worst days of my life.  Stay strong for both her and yourself and our thoughts and prayers will be with your mom

----------


## Sagan

Thanks. She went through the hell of chemo and radiation therapy for years. Her recent CAT scans showed a re emergence of the cancer. SHe has decided to not undergo  treatment a second time. That's her choice and I respect that. But it's severely painful to accept. I am always strong in her pretense and try to never show any sadness. But after a visit with her, I fall apart when I get home and have to accept what is going on, and that I'm powerless to do anything about it.

----------


## Chantellabella

I'm sorry to hear about both of your mothers. I just wanted to tell you both that. I went through that with my father. It's just hard. I'm sorry.

----------


## WintersTale

I feel incredibly lonely right now, and wish I could hold someone special. But I've never had anybody special to hold, so I think I'll be perpetually lonely.

----------


## Monotony

It's going to be a long lonely winter =(

----------


## Chocolate

I'm sorry to the people (two people, well three if you count the other forum..) I haven't responded to yet  ::(:  I don't know what wrong with me. Things aren't good.

----------


## WintersTale

It's 3 am, and I can't sleep. 

And I have to be up in 7 hours, to get my braces tightened. I wish I could postpone the appointment, but I don't think I can.

----------


## Ont Mon

> I'm sorry to the people (two people, well three if you count the other forum..) I haven't responded to yet  I don't know what wrong with me. Things aren't good.



  Hope you feel better soon.

----------


## Arcadia

Only slept an hour last night.  I'm tired and my head cold is getting worse.

----------


## Chantellabella

I'm annoyed by a hell of a lot of things and people. 

Oh well. Whatever.

----------


## WintersTale

The writing for my book is going badly. I keep getting distracted by things, and I feel like a failure.

----------


## Dan

I've let myself fall into another depression and I don't care to do anything about it. 

Also irritated that certain people have made the switch to this forum.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I've let myself fall into another depression and I don't care to do anything about it. 
> 
> Also irritated that certain people have made the switch to this forum.




 :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

What's bothering me? I'm sick of drama queens in my life. Some co-worker bent the truth all around and because she is a ********whiner about everything, she complained to my boss. I asked her if she would do something and she said yes. Yes, means yes, doesn't it????!!!!!! If she would have said no then I would have found a way to get the rest of these ******** ornaments done (as per the damned asst director telling me to get it done). I had more that needed to get done and asked her if the teens could come back yesterday. She said yes. They did. Then this morning she had some twisted story about how I "dumped" them on her and she was in one big *******whine mode about how the teens made it soooooooooooooooooo hard for her and the staff yesterday. Hello!!!!??? Do I have the power to control teens when I'm not there? So instead of using common sense (God forbid) she whined to the boss and I got my ***chewed off. What a ********* liar!!!!!!!

I HATE drama queens!!!!! I HATE whiners!!!!! 

This world is so ******* stupid. 

I'm annoyed and frustrated. I knew this chick was going to have drama when she got here. Nobody wanted her in the adult department. Now we're stuck with her and her negative vibes, her gossip and her whining drama. 

God! My life is pretty much sucking now in so many ways.

----------


## CaduceusGUILT

I can't help but feel lonely all the time. I'm only close to a small number of people and am a failure romantically. I spend my day offs in bed moping all day. I feel pretty useless.

----------


## Koalafan

> I can't help but feel lonely all the time. I'm only close to a small number of people and am a failure romantically. I spend my day offs in bed moping all day. I feel pretty useless.



I know this feeling all too well  ::(: 

 :Hug:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I'm annoyed and frustrated. I knew this chick was going to have drama when she got here. Nobody wanted her in the adult department. Now we're stuck with her and her negative vibes, her gossip and her whining drama. 
> 
> God! My life is pretty much sucking now in so many ways.



Sounds like the department I work in. Only takes one person sometimes to squash any chance of a mediocre time you might have there. Wish I could get certain people fired. Everyone else is pleasant, or can at least pretend to be. One person fired. It would make my year. The things you learn about people once you work alongside them...disturbing.  :Hug:

----------


## WintersTale

Everyone was in a bad mood tonight, and I don't know if it was me or not?

----------


## Fallen18

God dammit u_u this is not cool

----------


## rachelchloe

I'm being bothered by the fact that the people haven't called my father back.
I need help, and its been a few days. I don't trust myself to not do anything stupid, and I know this takes time, but these moods and thoughts of mine are getting worse. I don't know...

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I'm so upset. I have no idea how this is supposed to work. Three people were laid off at the lab today - two from my department. We're not sure if the lay-offs are over. They're wonderful people and I miss them already. It couldn't be the woman everybody hates that got the boot. No, of course not. Now I have to be even CLOSER to her. All the interaction I want with this woman is pushing her down a flight of fucking stairs. We had a meeting and they're going to change how we do everything in the new year. Everything is different now. It's not for the better. And it's the worst time to do this to people. Happy fucking holidays enjoy being jobless. 

I'm out of prescription refills. They *just* stopped giving monthly supplies for people. I really don't know when I can see my doctor now because we're going to be so busy missing two people in my department. And next week including the week after that, we'll be missing fucking three while one goes on vacation.
I have some extras I saved up but I'm not sure how long they'll last me. Also it's likely they're expired. Meanwhile my anxiety is through the roof. Guess I'll have a high liquor bill. 

Oh -and please, if anyone has any more bombs to drop on me could you maybe just not...ever? Thanks. I can't deal with it.

----------


## WintersTale

My professor was really mean to me two nights ago, and it is just starting to sink in.

I sent her two emails, one telling her that I got half of the assignments turned in, and the other one saying that I had all of them turned in. Both were returned. 

So I wait a few days, and then send her another email, asking "did you get my emails?" It was a courtesy email, because I wasn't sure she had gotten them. She sent back a really sharp email, saying that she had and that she would email me every time she graded one of my assignments.

Cue Monday night. She approaches me, and tells me that she will get everything graded soon, and that I should "stop complaining about my grades." She points out that I have a 93% in the class, and that it's nothing to complain about. I get really insecure, and start apologizing.

I feel terrible, mostly because I couldn't stand up for myself. And I know she is under stress; the class is 3 weeks behind, and we only have two weeks left in the semester. But that was no reason to have a go at me, because I was never complaining about my grades!

It says in the syllabus to email the professor, once you turn in a late assignment, so that they know how to grade it. I was just going by the syllabus.  ::(: 

And now I have the problem of having to email her again tonight, and ask her where the homework assignments for this week to do are, because they sure aren't up on Blackboard!

----------


## Anteros

^ Hmmm, maybe she got you confused with someone else?  Sounds like she's behind and stressed - it was unprofessional of her to take it out on you, though.

As for your homework assignment, is there another student you can ask, or do you all have to wait for her to post it on Blackboard?   If the latter is the case, then I'd hold off.  She can't penalize you for something that's her fault.   But if you have to email her, then I'd apologize again and cite the syllabus for your last emails.  Even though you did nothing wrong, if she's reasonable, that should smooth things over.  

 Good luck!

----------


## T-Bone

I have to replace the brakes on my moms car tomorrow. The rotors and a brake caliper too. I find it hard to get motivated to do this type of [BEEP] when i'm not being paid. Although, it's mama, and it's a rent free environment. I gotta do it! It's gonna be cold, and i have little time to do it after she gets home before it gets dark. Not looking forward to it.
I'm this way with everything, but it's not because i'm lazy. I'm truly not. This isn't even a hard job. I don't know what the hell my problem is.

----------


## Anteros

Damn muscle cramps are acting up again.  I feel like I'm wearing a corset!

----------


## MrQuiet76

I don't really fit in anywhere in the world... not in real life, not here... I'm just wasting everybody else's oxygen and time

----------


## Antidote

Feel tired and ill nearly all the time. Though I have an unhealthy lifestyle so it's not entirely inexplicable.

----------


## JustGaara

3.5 pages left on this stupid paper and my brain is not working because I haven't slept. I had a nice foray into writing for money but I think I'll just get a real job once I'm done with this.

----------


## takethebiscuit

> My professor was really mean to me two nights ago, and it is just starting to sink in.
> 
> I sent her two emails, one telling her that I got half of the assignments turned in, and the other one saying that I had all of them turned in. Both were returned. 
> 
> So I wait a few days, and then send her another email, asking "did you get my emails?" It was a courtesy email, because I wasn't sure she had gotten them. She sent back a really sharp email, saying that she had and that she would email me every time she graded one of my assignments.
> 
> Cue Monday night. She approaches me, and tells me that she will get everything graded soon, and that I should "stop complaining about my grades." She points out that I have a 93% in the class, and that it's nothing to complain about. I get really insecure, and start apologizing.
> 
> I feel terrible, mostly because I couldn't stand up for myself. And I know she is under stress; the class is 3 weeks behind, and we only have two weeks left in the semester. But that was no reason to have a go at me, because I was never complaining about my grades!
> ...



A former partner of mine was an academic to do with marine biology. Academics get very stressed and can be under tight deadlines from their immediate superiors. 

I know you felt terrible and the thing is you did stand up for yourself. Maybe not in the way you thought you had to but you still did. You did what you needed to do and that is standing up for yourself.

A 93% in class is amazing. We have a different way of doing things in the UK but I wish I'd got that kind of percent in my studies. How she spoke to you probably was a little bit off but I'm sure as someone who has felt anxiety and stress in the past that things can occasionally get on top of people and make them say things they don't really mean to say.

Good advice already given. Take a deep breath, do what you have to do and trust yourself.

----------


## Equinox

I'm tired of dreaming intensely and vividly for what feels like all night every night.

----------


## cmed

This is the second time I've bought groceries and forgot to bring them in from the car. To the cow whose milk was pumped for that gallon: I'm sorry your sacrifice was in vain.

----------


## Grand Jete

I know you can hide your Facebook friend count from others, but I wish there was some way to hide it from myself. I always feel bad when I see it go down, even when I know it probably has nothing to do with me.

----------


## gilt

My company just announced they sold our site to another company. Anxiety levels are high right now.

----------


## Anteros

> My company just announced they sold our site to another company. Anxiety levels are high right now.



 ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## gilt

Insomnia tonight...Going through a lot of negative emotions right now. How sometimes I wish that I could just walk away. 

I'm sure I'll find the light switch here eventually, I just need to vent.

----------


## Anteros

I just pulled a "Chicken Little" over something, and was completely wrong.   

*facepalm* 

How embarrassing!

----------


## Chocolate

Just cleaned the bathroom and now my face skin is burning from the fumes. Darn shower gets me evertim

----------


## JustGaara

I'm so tired but these sharp stabbing pains in my temple keep waking me up when I drift off to sleep. I feel like I'm dying. Crazy anxious right now.

----------


## supersky

I've gotta go out tomorrow night. Ehhhh.
It's too hot here at the moment, and being uncomfortable makes me sweatier, so that's going to be delightful. How many levels of uncomfortability will I be able to stack up?

----------


## Ont Mon

> Just cleaned the bathroom and now my face skin is burning from the fumes. Darn shower gets me *evertim*



I cryn evertim  ::'(:

----------


## WintersTale

I couldn't sleep. I don't know why.

----------


## Coffee

All I seem to want to do lately is sleep. Everything else seems like a huge chore. I think I'm in a really deep slump and I'm not sure how to get out this time.

----------


## Chantellabella

Darn life!!! Why does it have to be so complicated?

----------


## rachelchloe

I want to go back to public school. I'm lonely and I don't do anything with my time. I don't know how to tell my dad, i'm afraid he'll say no.

----------


## fetisha

I want someone to strangle me, I'm tired of living.

----------


## Dark

anxiety

----------


## RawrJessiRawr

You said we would still be friends but i should have known better, we are just strangers now.

----------


## Nelly

Why do I hate being around people but at the same time hate being lonely? Nothing ever makes me happy

----------


## L

Windows 8 AAAHhhhh.......

----------


## Member11

> Why do I hate being around people but at the same time hate being lonely? Nothing ever makes me happy



I know what you mean ::(:

----------


## CaduceusGUILT

Everything. I'm very irritable right now. :/

----------


## KelseyLeann

I wish I knew whats wrong with my brain. Seriously. My counselor thinks I have anxiety the worst, my doctor thinks depression is my major issue, and my psychiatrist thinks my biggest problem is ADD.

----------


## Cam

The fact that I don't let anyone meet the real me.

Also, static on my clothes and getting shocked by everything I touch is pretty bothersome as well >.>





> I wish I knew whats wrong with my brain. Seriously. My counselor thinks I have anxiety the worst, my doctor thinks depression is my major issue, and my psychiatrist thinks my biggest problem is ADD.



Maybe focus less on what all of these people thing is wrong, and instead focus on what you think is wrong. No one can no better than yourself. Hope you feel better.

----------


## Anteros

Bad muscle cramps again.

----------


## CeCe

Mood swings

----------


## FracturedMoonlight

I don't know what to do, without you. Wish I could be a little stronger sometimes. I'm just pushing everyone away.

----------


## JustAShadow

Insomnia.

----------


## Arcadia

Landscapers with their leaf blowers out at 7am..or maybe it was since 8am.  Either way it feels like it's been hours.  They're so loud.  I just wanted one day to sleep late.

----------


## RawrJessiRawr

Yes, im stupid, wrote my ex expressing missing him and he didn't write back -.- yup im stupid, slap in my face so ita bothering my emotions and my thought About myself.

----------


## L

> Yes, im stupid, wrote my ex expressing missing him and he didn't write back -.- yup im stupid, slap in my face so ita bothering my emotions and my thought About myself.



Your not stupid for being honest and open - your brave as hell and what he does with that is his choice. Maybe he hasn't got it yet, doesn't know how to reply, is in a place where things are complicated for him - or maybe he doesn't want to be with you in that case he is a coward for not replying.

I'm really tired and I still have 2 and a half hours left at work.

----------


## RawrJessiRawr

> Your not stupid for being honest and open - your brave as hell and what he does with that is his choice. Maybe he hasn't got it yet, doesn't know how to reply, is in a place where things are complicated for him - or maybe he doesn't want to be with you in that case he is a coward for not replying.
> 
> I'm really tired and I still have 2 and a half hours left at work.



Makes me feel terrible but thank you, work sucks when your tired

----------


## jsgt

I'm about to go to a sports bar type place with a friend, and am hoping there aren't too many people there. Or...NO people would be nice!  ::

----------


## Cage

Anxiousness

----------


## Arcadia

I squandered another opportunity and I'm not sure if I'll get another chance.  Really upset with myself.  Sometimes I think I'm doing better, but when it comes to the real risks, insecurity has such a tight grip on me.  I let it win every time.

----------


## Chocolate

I suck at life. Parties suck. Any social gathering can suck a big one. Gdo I feel like a loser.

----------


## ev0ker

The seemingly endless self-destructive thoughts and how I hate myself for not being stronger.

----------


## rachelchloe

I feel like my friends don't want me around. I have 2 of the best friends I could ask for, but they just...

Don't want me around, I guess.:-(


I dunno...

----------


## CaduceusGUILT

> I feel like my friends don't want me around. I have 2 of the best friends I could ask for, but they just...
> 
> Don't want me around, I guess.:-(
> 
> 
> I dunno...



I never not want you around. If I could spend every waking our with you, I would.  ::

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> The seemingly endless self-destructive thoughts and how I hate myself for not being stronger.



 :Hug: 
I understand. I'm there right now.

Also, long time no talk.

----------


## Anteros

I could really use some huggers right now.

----------


## L

> I could really use some huggers right now.



 :Hug: 

Best friends gran died ....not sure what to do....

----------


## RawrJessiRawr

Literally had someone post a fb status after we hung out saying how boring their night was :/ then delete it today so i wouldn't see but i seen the post -.- i was on fb right after we hung out. Now they are hardly saying anything to me.

----------


## takethebiscuit

> Literally had someone post a fb status after we hung out saying how boring their night was :/ then delete it today so i wouldn't see but i seen the post -.- i was on fb right after we hung out. Now they are hardly saying anything to me.



Totally understand why that bothers you. And you're just feeling your thinking here. "Boring night" could mean anything. The person could have stuff going on their life which meant they couldn't enjoy the night out as much as they might have liked. Your thinking has been trying to link "boring night" with you and your thinking has been trying to tell you that you caused this person's night to be boring. 

Therefore, the power to hurt you is not in what was said. The power to hurt you is in your thinking. You're feeling your thinking. You know you're a valuable, good person no matter what anyone says about you. Your validation comes not from what others say about you but from the expression of you really are.

----------


## takethebiscuit

> Best friends gran died ....not sure what to do....



Let your best friend know you're there for them if they need you. Your best friend may need some private family time but just them know you're there for them if they need you.

----------


## WintersTale

I am avoiding everyone, because I feel they hate me. I don't think they would even miss me, if I was permanently gone.

----------


## CeCe

> I could really use some huggers right now.



 :Hug: 





> I am avoiding everyone, because I feel they hate me. I don't think they would even miss me, if I was permanently gone.



You are pretty well liked around here from the looks of it. SA might be getting to you.

----------


## L

> Let your best friend know you're there for them if they need you. Your best friend may need some private family time but just them know you're there for them if they need you.



Yeah thanks - I let her know I was at the funeral and that I will come see her later in the week - just hoping that is enough with regular texts just to see if things are okay!

----------


## JustGaara

Feel so slow and dead. I have no energy to do anything anymore except watch shows on Netflix or JustDubs/AnimeFlavor. No matter how much I sleep, I feel tired when I wake up. I really *want* to be able to get stuff done, but I feel like I just can't.

----------


## CeCe

> Feel so slow and dead. I have no energy to do anything anymore except watch shows on Netflix or JustDubs/AnimeFlavor. No matter how much I sleep, I feel tired when I wake up. I really *want* to be able to get stuff done, but I feel like I just can't.



 :Hug:

----------


## CaduceusGUILT

> I could really use some huggers right now.



 :Hug:

----------


## JustGaara

> 



Thanks!  ::):  I managed to write ~2 pages (of 7-11) and clean my room. Small victories!  :: 

----

What's bothering me now is that my friend is becoming increasingly anxious and paranoid talking about stuff like chem trails and the whole Dec. 21st end of the world thing... And I have no idea how to help him. Or even what to say that doesn't sound dismissive.

----------


## RawrJessiRawr

I have jury duty tomorrow :/ im kinda nervous...anxious. Actually really anxious.

----------


## CaduceusGUILT

I really ought to learn how to shut up. I think I'm alienating too many people around me.

----------


## Anteros

> 







> 







> 



Much appreciated!  ::):   :Hug:

----------


## Dane

> I could really use some huggers right now.



 :Hug:

----------


## Anteros

> 



Thanks so much, Dane!  :Hug:

----------


## Nelly

Can't seem to sleep

----------


## CaduceusGUILT

Feeling empty inside :/

----------


## gilt

> I could really use some huggers right now.



 :Hug: 




I'm most likely meeting my new supervisor today, certainly this week. Some insomnia & nervousness about it.

----------


## Coffee

I can't decide whether I don't care anymore because (a) you've worn me out, I'm tired and fed up and I don't give a [BEEP] what you do with me now, or (b) I'm tricking myself into thinking I don't care so that I wont get hurt again, but I actually do care a lot.

----------


## JustAShadow

The usual - insomnia.

----------


## Frogger

I'm starvingg.

----------


## Ont Mon

So many thoughts, all of them negative. I wish I could turn off my brain, I don't want to endure this mental torture anymore.

----------


## WintersTale

Yes. I went to bed at 3am, and was woken up at 8:49 by my idiot neighbors, who are noisily whacking weeds or something.

I want to go back to bed, but I can't sleep now.

----------


## SmileyFace

I am so fuckin irritated so easily for no freakin reason today. I don't even know why...

----------


## Antidote

Those little birds outside my window are cute and all, and their tweeting is very song like and sweet. But I wish they'd just shut the f.ck up so I can go to sleep.

----------


## ev0ker

> Those little birds outside my window are cute and all, and their tweeting is very song like and sweet. But I wish they'd just shut the [BEEP] up so I can go to sleep.



lol you were all  ::$:  and then in just a second it goes  :: 
i hope the birds did shut up to let you sleep!

----------


## L

Oh MY GOD - stressed is an understatement - why am I in college, I cannot do this

----------


## Grand Jete

Fight with my dad. It's times like these when I really want to move out...and then I remember how badly things went last time I moved out and I get scared all over again.

----------


## CityofAngels

TBH your problems suck. Your are all children.

----------


## CaduceusGUILT

There are way too many cowards over at SAS who take pleasure in tormenting others. And it works. I feel absolutely miserable right now. Looks like it's going to be another bad week again.

----------


## Marleywhite

I am freaking out  ::o:  I have a 30 minute presentation that will be recorded on Monday and I don't know If I can do it. ::

----------


## fetisha

I'm a terrible person and I don't deserve to live

----------


## jsgt

> I'm a terrible person and I don't deserve to live



 :Hug:  I hope you feel better...

----------


## Anteros

> 



Thanks, Gilt!  ::): 








> I'm most likely meeting my new supervisor today, certainly this week. Some insomnia & nervousness about it.



 :Hug:   Hang in there!

------------------------------

Today is one of those emotionally taxing days.

And the sound is messed up on my computer.  I reinstalled the driver, updated my Adobe flash, and it worked for a little while, but now it's back to being garbled and slow when I watch Youtube videos; yet the speed of the video remains unaffected.   

I use my computer to listen to music a lot, and this is just another aggravation I don't need right now.  ::(:

----------


## takethebiscuit

> There are way too many cowards over at SAS who take pleasure in tormenting others. And it works. I feel absolutely miserable right now. Looks like it's going to be another bad week again.



Ventura tells me you are a cool person and have done heaps of positive stuff to make this site the great resource it is. I am sorry to hear you have been feeling absolutely miserable. 

Any cowards who take pleasure tormenting others do not deserve to have power over how you feel. It does not have to look like it's going to be another bad week again. How your week looks is up to you and not up to whoever the idiots are who bothered you.

----------


## Grand Jete

I'm a bad person. My dad is verbally abusive. But if I move out I'll f*** up again, be thrown out again and wind up where I always do...at home, with my abusive dad. What's the point of even trying anymore?

----------


## rachelchloe

Yeah. I came into chat for some friendly conversation and they're all talking about sexual things.

----------


## FracturedMoonlight

I get hurt too easily, and can't seem to express my feelings properly

----------


## JustGaara

Edited: I have the power to turn my life around and be better but I'm scared to mess up. That's why I feel worthless. Things are changing and I feel like I'm not ready to meet the challenges, I guess.

----------


## Coffee

I'm either going through Xanax withdrawal from a pretty small dose detox, or I'm just not well. idk which. 

anyone that has cut out Xanax cold turkey is encouraged to message me to tell me what dose they were on so i can figure out what's happening.

----------


## Anteros

*sigh*   

 :Penguin:

----------


## Anteros

> And the sound is messed up on my computer.  I reinstalled the driver, updated my Adobe flash, and it worked for a little while, but now it's back to being garbled and slow when I watch Youtube videos; yet the speed of the video remains unaffected.   
> 
> I use my computer to listen to music a lot, and this is just another aggravation I don't need right now.



  I tried a different browser and the sound works fine.   I knew it had to be something simple, it always is!!!!!   :Celebrate:

----------


## gilt

> Hang in there!



Thank you, Neptunus  ::):  Still haven't met the boss yet, but every day I feel a little bit better about this new company. 
Great job on getting around your Youtube problem!

----------


## Antidote

> lol you were all  and then in just a second it goes 
> i hope the birds did shut up to let you sleep!



Well, they didn't but I managed to get exhausted enough that I fell asleep anyway. :-/

----------


## Sparrow

I hired this lady 4 months ago, and she is now trying to get me fired.  I've never been in a situation like this, and everything she is saying has no basis.  But, it is stressing me out...so much that I'm taking klonopin again.  I don't know why she hates me so much.  I'm her manager.  I have 7 accountants under me, and I've never had anyone complain about me. She simply hates me.  This is awful, so awful  ::(: .

----------


## Coffee

Ok so I'm just ill. But I'm too scared to go to a doctor. Even though I know I probably cant cure this myself like all of the other stuff I've fixed and if it gets worse then i'm super screwed. ugh. I guess I'll give it a few days and see if I start to die, or something less dramatic and exaggerated.

edit: fixed myself. woohoo. who needs a medical degree?

----------


## gilt

> I hired this lady 4 months ago, and she is now trying to get me fired.  I've never been in a situation like this, and everything she is saying has no basis.  But, it is stressing me out...so much that I'm taking klonopin again.  I don't know why she hates me so much.  I'm her manager.  I have 7 accountants under me, and I've never had anyone complain about me. She simply hates me.  This is awful, so awful .



I'm sorry to hear this, Sparrow. Some people dislike their Manager no matter how well-treated they are. If you can't settle this with her directly then maybe your HR representative can help to resolve this problem.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I hate this already. I was so lost today. Why was their timing so ridiculously horrible? Now I'm exhausted all the time. Irritable. Very irritable. This must be my problem when I try to share my feelings with people - I don't want a discussion, I want to cuss people out. My boss gets a D+ for effort. "After watching you do stock billing eventually I'll learn." Wow. Okay, so I've done about four of those in the couple of years I've been in this godawful department. I had two days to ask what's-her-face questions before she went on vacation, and that time was squeezed into a little ten-minute time frame somewhere because we were all going batshit crazy trying to pick up the pieces after two people in our department got the boot. WHY DO YOU THINK I CAN MAGICALLY DO THEM. See, the coworker who would have helped me with those while what's-her-face was on vacation...was laid off. Standing ovation. Every time he explained something to me I was like oh that's so easy when you say it that way etc.. Gone are the days of that. 

And whoever typed up the notes in that frame book...I don't even. Why? It answered maybe two of my dozen questions.

I know the basics. I usually work half days so I don't bother with things that don't apply to me. And I can't learn them in ten minutes.

I don't even want to mention quitting. I'd have to have another job lined up. It's a big decision. All I know is I've never felt worse entering that building every morning than I have lately.

----------


## MrQuiet76

I can't remember what it feels like to have a full night's sleep

----------


## L

My books look disturbed...someone has been snooping

----------


## Anteros

Just physically and emotionally uncomfortable today.   Meh!

----------


## Arcadia

Terrible day at work.  Definitely not looking forward to going back tomorrow.

----------


## Antidote

Forced to go to some kind of job interview tomorrow by the job agency I'm at. They're in touch with some employers who want to recruit sales assistants or telemarketers or something. I don't want the job because it's irrelevant to my area / the degree I have. And I told the agency this including that I'm not even sure I can perform at a job like this due to the anxiety issues I have. And how am supposed to 'sell' myself at an interview when I have 0 interest in the job, have 0 experience in the area, do not want experience in the area, feel that I am an inappropriate candidate, and am being forced to attend due to some quota requirement the agency has? I don't know how to even act or what to say. I feel like I might be humiliated tomorrow.

----------


## Antidote

Also, I don't have proper attire for the interview and don't have time to go shopping.

----------


## L

Helped a friend with a job interview, he got the job - I don't think he is happy with it....

----------


## gilt

> Helped a friend with a job interview, he got the job - I don't think he is happy with it....



You did a great favor for your friend, lasair! Whether your friend likes the job or not your responsibility.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This job situation is making me super sensitive to how the new owners perceive my work performance. They seem to have a talented group of people working for them, I hope that I can find my niche.

----------


## JustGaara

I failed a class already. I suck. I think I'm the only one who failed the class, too. All because I didn't show up to do my presentation.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Everything was fine (well, I use that term VERY loosely as of late) and then suddenly...depression. Hello again.

And I'm worried about my varicose veins. I don't remember them looking this bad, but the back of my knee felt sore/strained so I lifted my pant leg and ugh that was a big mistake. I don't know what can be done that isn't going to cost thousands of dollars. And even then, how well would the treatment work? I'm too young to have these, especially this many, and this many different types. It's all kinds of awful and I'm not showing my legs again till I deal with it. Perhaps stockings would cover them. Black ones likely would. They're supposed to be good for varicose veins anyway, but I sweat like a motherfucker so...no. At least not year-round. My medical issues are fucking gross. I don't remember the last time I felt remotely attractive. Can't I just go crawl into a hole? & not die,, but just...exist. And not have t think about this [BEEP] anymore.

----------


## InvisibleLynn

Still upset and feel awful for that poor man who died in NYC when he was pushed onto the subway tracks.  My heart is hurting for his family.  Just awful.





> This job situation is making me super sensitive to how the new owners perceive my work performance. They seem to have a talented group of people working for them, I hope that I can find my niche.



I hope you do too!

----------


## JustGaara

> *Still upset and feel awful for that poor man who died in NYC when he was pushed onto the subway tracks.  My heart is hurting for his family.  Just awful.
> *
> 
> 
> I hope you do too!



Yeah that was terrible. All those people on the platform, too and everyone's just watching  ::(:  I feel so bad for him and his family.

----------


## Grand Jete

My digestive system is so screwed up these days that just eating a small snack turns me into this bloated freak. Ugggh.

----------


## JustAShadow

Ugh, it seems like the worst people get away with the worst!

----------


## Brownzerg

My head is absolutely killing me  ::(:  I've got some sinus pressure, stuffy/runny nose, and these horrible headaches.

Not sure what sort of bug I've caught but I wish it would go away soon! three days so far and counting  ::(:  I don't often get sick but I guess when I finally do its a doozy

----------


## gilt

> I hope you do too!



Thank you, Lynn!  :Hug: 





> Still upset and feel awful for that poor man who died in NYC when he was pushed onto the subway tracks.  My heart is hurting for his family.  Just awful



This poor man & his family. It's terrible what people will do to others.

----------


## fetisha

*sigh* why do you people insits on bothering me after I told them to leave me alone?

----------


## Trendsetter

I need to rant.

First of all, I HATE dogs. I just walked outside to feed the pigs, and I see my cousin making bark sounds or something like that as an intent to scare or make fun of me. I walked by, never looking back at him, and ignored him. I really was so angry that I felt like punching that fool in his face. I hate when people act so immature like that. I have a huge problem with dogs and I DO NOT want that held against me. They are such scary creatures. It's already bad enough when someone has a fear of something, but making fun of them with childish acts do not help matters.

----------


## L

I'm such a bad person - I forgot I was meant to be going to a concert this weekend and now I am down to work so I have to pull out of it. 

The person I was meant to be going with is my best friend who I have been kind of fighting with and then her gran died last week so we never resolved things - SHIT, but now I am unable to go and if I did it would be horrible awkward - I don't know which is worse....I feel like an idiot....

----------


## Marleywhite

I can't feel anything.

----------


## Apocalyptic

Some stuff related to my workplace. Injustice.

----------


## Coffee

Every month for a few days I simultaneously hate everything in the world, love chocolate a weird amount and complain non-stop about how much pain I am in. Oh the joys of being female.

----------


## Chocolate

> love chocolate a weird amount.



Oh you :3

----------


## Coffee

> Oh you :3



 :;):

----------


## Antidote

Nobody cares.

----------


## L

that nurse completed suicide  ::(:

----------


## Wicked

I fucking hate my life and I want to die.

----------


## Fallen18

My mom called me a "follower" like I had no individuality and than praised my sister about how she's totally awesome. I'll always be nothing in her eyes I guess  ::  I used to be told i'm going far all that, but than when I ended up sick in the hospital that praise went down the drain with my depression. Now my mom thinks I'm never going to get a good bf, get married, or stay in college she's always on my case or scolding me  :-_-:  none of that matters though since I'll show her, who is she too assume my future.
 But anywho that aside I'm struggling on deciding if I should tell my parents about taking the train into NYC for my friends birthday? I really want to go it seems like it would be fun but I don't want them to say no....I'm 17 I should be able to be independent, they should trust me. But I get this nagging feeling they'll tell me no it's too dangerous blah blah blah. They suffocate me all the time and I need to live!...... I may have to lie to go but than that sucks since I most likely won't fully enjoy my day in the city, b/c I'll feel guilty the whole time and wonder if my parents will find out somehow. Just ughhhh

----------


## Dane

Yeah, I feel for her.

Idiotic DJs.

----------


## Dane

> that nurse completed suicide



Yeah, I feel for her.

Idiotic DJs.

----------


## Grand Jete

I need to stay away from Facebook. Every time I log in, I see that someone else from high school has gotten married or engaged. And I haven't had a boyfriend since I graduated 6 years ago.

----------


## transcending

I have so much stuff to do, but I can't get myself to do it  ::s: ad:

----------


## Katie

> Nobody cares.



 :Hug:

----------


## WintersTale

I hate the way my life is going right now. I wish I could change it.

----------


## L

Really sick tummy  ::(:

----------


## JustGaara

> Really sick tummy



Feel better!  ::):  Taken anything for it?

----------


## L

> Feel better!  Taken anything for it?



Lets just say my stomach is empty now...

----------


## Coffee

i wish people would just... stick to their word. stick to what they have said. i know that things change, but really when your words and decisions have an impact on other people, you should just stick to it and deal with the consequences yourself. it's really unkind to keep flip flopping between two extremes. one day, you tell me that i'm a mess. you tell me that you don't know if you want me back in your life. you say you would've never contacted me if your ex didn't break up with you. you don't even tell me that you're leaving the country. all of this after YOU betrayed ME. and then a year later you come back and tell me that you miss me. it doesn't make any sense. 

and i'm trying so hard to just be okay with all of this, but all i want to do is tell you what a dickhead you were. luckily (or not?) i've been fucked over so many times that i'm definitely not letting myself be tricked this time. i don't particularly want you, but i'm okay with you being around. but if you hurt me or [BEEP] up, you're gone. and there will be no hesitation. i'm so tired of being tossed around. 

and regarding a different situation - i still wish people would stick to their word(s). please don't try to sweep me off my feet and as soon as you see that you are successful, drop me and don't talk to me again for weeks. you've done this before and i keep letting you back in because i'm so stupidly crazy about you. just tell me what you want. tell me you want me and we can make this work. stop going away. i'm so tired of this too. 

all i want is a tiny tiny amount of stability. it really isn't that much to ask but you're totally overreacting and making it seem like i'm asking for the moon. i felt bad for a while but the longer you leave it, and the longer you leave me, the more i realise how reasonably i handled this situation. you push me away more every day. if you're ok with leaving me and leaving this, then okay. if not, then hurry up because i'm not waiting forever. 

fuck, i have some really weird things going on in my life right now.

i wish people would just make a decision and stick by it. and if they change their minds, they suck it up and deal with it like a good human being instead of disrupting someone else's life as well. i think that's just the nice thing to do. 

i don't know. maybe i'm asking for too much.

----------


## T-Bone

SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT ZOMBIES! That's really all i have to say. It's lame. Childish. Corny. Prepubescent. 40 years before your time etc......Knock it off, seriously.

----------


## JustGaara

> Lets just say my stomach is empty now...



Ugh, sorry to hear that. Feeling any better now?

----------


## Antidote

I walked past a construction site with asbestos warnings all over it. Badly triggered.

----------


## Equinox

Mum gloating about her supposed 'disposable income'.. thanks for giving me practically nothing for the past 7 years then.

----------


## Chocolate

Not gonna be a good day. I'm exhausted and we're supposed to decorate and put up lights today. I'm going to kill someone. I think I'll go buy an energy drink

----------


## Harpuia

Bad night followed by an even worse early morning and now my stomach hurts for the first time in days.  ::(:

----------


## Katie

school

----------


## Ironman

> My moms cancer has re emerged. I was only continuing to live and keeping myself together for her only. when she goes, so shall I. There is no word in the human lexicon that can describe how I feel. But it can only be described as Bad. and that is like saying Yeah my arm got seared off but I feel great.



My dad's passing was far more sudden and a shock.  He died of a heart attack while at work having just returned from eating lunch with his coworkers.  We had dinner the night before he died, and he left for work the next morning like usual and never returned home - I got the call that he was being taken to the hospital while I was at work myself.  The anniversary of that day is in January.

The moral of the story - don't give up living because of your parents' situations.  Continue living and fight for your own legacy - that is what they would want for us.  Do NOT be afraid to reach out for help.  It'll be rough, but the self discovery is too awesome to miss out on.

----------


## CaduceusGUILT

It feels like everyone is against me. Starting to hate people right now.  ::(:

----------


## Coffee

Ok well that's it. Done. [BEEP] you all (not AxS people).

----------


## Meadowlark

I'm self-sabotaging again, and it's making me physically ill.

----------


## Chantellabella

My mental problems have now turned to acid reflux and headaches. I hate when that happens.

And I have some critter(s) in my attic and so I guess I'll have to pay for an exterminator. I put up sonars but it's not helping. It(they) kept me up all night running around and scratching. I would put up poison or traps in my attic, but then I would be too upset if I actually trapped or killed something.

----------


## Marleywhite

I just want this day to be over already :-o

----------


## Chocolate

My damn stomach hurts still  ::(:  hurry up, Wednesday

----------


## WineKitty

I have to go to work today.  Although I only work part time it's become rather difficult for me to work, I know it's good for me but I am just dealing with too many physical problems to feel like I am truly doing my best.   ::(:

----------


## Frogger

:/

----------


## gilt

> And I have some critter(s) in my attic and so I guess I'll have to pay for an exterminator. I put up sonars but it's not helping. It(they) kept me up all night running around and scratching. I would put up poison or traps in my attic, but then I would be too upset if I actually trapped or killed something.



Are you squeamish around the little guys? If not, you could try the have-a-heart traps. Or find someone to bring them away for you.

----------


## anonymid

I'm 33 years old and I still share a room with my brother. That's insane. I try not to think about it--and I know that I have no right to complain about it, since I'm making no effort to work on my problems and achieve independence--but sometimes the lack of privacy just drives me up a wall.

----------


## Frogger

Tired

----------


## rachelchloe

I feel like I stress my father out to no end, with my problems and the fact that things are like a roller coaster. I wish I wasn't like this, and I wish his life was easier. Things just stress him out a lot, and i feel like they're mostly my fault....

I dunno./:

----------


## Chantellabella

Grrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so pissed at my therapist I can't see straight!!!! I fired her again. This is about the 20th time. She makes me so angry!!!!!!

----------


## JustGaara

I am mentally exhausted. I feel like stabbing myself. I hate academia.

----------


## Equinox

Depression, feeling pretty low today, sometimes I feel like I'm inadequate at handling life tasks and so I feel stuck. 
Also it's hard to sleep when the sun comes up at 4 am  ::

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Totally and completely done with all the workplace drama and nonsense. Thankfully, I only have until the 21st to put up with it. Quitting was by far the best decision I've probably ever made.

----------


## gilt

I talked to my new boss for the first time on the phone today, and emailed back & forth a few times. Trying hard not to find fault in my first impression on him.

----------


## RawrJessiRawr

::(:  my new bf already thinks im boring and that its causing problems -.- i suck.

----------


## Chantellabella

I woke up terrified. Just terrified of the world. then the rats moved in the wall and I almost died of terror. I want Friday to come now so the exterminators will get the rats. I dont' remember ever feeling this scared of the world. It's like I can't trust anything. I know it's a part that scared. I just hate that I feel this. I don't know how I survived in a world that scary.

----------


## Antidote

My hair is a fcukign disgrace.

----------


## transcending

Had a meeting with this person to discuss my dissertation and I couldn't get a sentence off :-(. I hate myself, wish I could just go there and talk to people. I kinda feel done.

----------


## Grand Jete

BDD is bad again today. This time, I'm focused on my face shape...too wide, jaw too prominent. And when I smile it's worse, for not only do I have bad teeth, but smiling makes my face look fat and my eyes look squinty. 

It shouldn't bother me so much but it does. I feel like a monstrosity.

----------


## L

> my new bf already thinks im boring and that its causing problems -.- i suck.



Has he said this to you?

____________________________

I stress about college and even though I spend a lot of time complaining about that here I don't in real life - I agreed to help a friend out with an assignment even though I don't have time - how could I say no, I am worried I will not be of help to her....

----------


## JustAShadow

This day has gone by so fast.   And I've gotten absolutely nothing done!

----------


## Yossarian

People not taking their laundry out on time. If it's in the dryer I can take it out, but I can't really take it out of the washer.

----------


## fetisha

I feel like everyone hates me now, pms is killing me, and i decided to be friends with my bf I met on sas.com cause I have trust issues and not ready for anything serious but still think of him alot fml *sigh*

----------


## Sagan

http://lanetoday.com/2012/12/12/man-...ain-in-eugene/

What my nieces father decided to do monday. My heart goes out to her and her brother and sister. This has been a terrible year. I'll be glad when it's over!  ::(:

----------


## L

WHY would you kill children - you sick fuck

----------


## Anteros

Just been feeling... meh.  *sigh*

----------


## Sagan

My Nieces dad committed suicide on Monday by train. 
http://lanetoday.com/2012/12/12/man-...ain-in-eugene/
This holiday season sucks. JUst full of depression and sadness.

----------


## Coffee

> My Nieces dad committed suicide on Monday by train. 
> http://lanetoday.com/2012/12/12/man-...ain-in-eugene/
> This holiday season sucks. JUst full of depression and sadness.



I'm sorry to hear about this. Let me know if you need to talk or anything. Sending hugs your way x

----------


## anonymid

> My Nieces dad committed suicide on Monday by train. 
> http://lanetoday.com/2012/12/12/man-...ain-in-eugene/
> This holiday season sucks. JUst full of depression and sadness.



Oh my, that's horrible; I'm so sorry, Josh.

----------


## Denise

> My Nieces dad committed suicide on Monday by train. 
> http://lanetoday.com/2012/12/12/man-...ain-in-eugene/
> This holiday season sucks. JUst full of depression and sadness.



Really sorry to hear that, Jcgrey. Everything sounds so unreal when you hear it on the news. You don't want to believe it. Leaves you feeling helpless, lacking control.

I'm in a crisis myself.

----------


## WintersTale

I'm just really, really tired

----------


## ShyOne



----------


## Coffee

It's always a weird feeling when someone you kiinddd of know dies and you don't know whether you are 'allowed' to feel sadness or grieve. Because it would be weird to grieve for someone you didn't really know, yet on the other hand she's my sister's age, and I know her sister, so I feel the ache. I don't know. 

So I guess I'll just do this here. Rest in peace TE. Your family loved you insane amounts and I'm pretty sure their bonds will be strengthened during this time of unspeakable grief. I'm seeing photographs of you everywhere all over Facebook and it is obvious that your inner beauty radiated and touched everyone around you. I wish I knew you properly, instead of fleeting appearances. I'll be there for your sister. You seemed like a really warm person who made other people laugh and smile. You will be missed and remembered xo

----------


## Chantellabella

I'm sorry to hear that JcGrey. And it's so hard when someone takes their own life. Too many questions go unanswered.

----------


## WineKitty

Oh my....I am so sorry to hear this.  You have really been given more than your fair share to deal with.

----------


## Coffee

Still feeling weird about the death of T.E. Way too sudden. She was almost out of her coma and then... dead. I don't know if I'm allowed to feel sad or cry. 

In other news, I just typed out part of my life story. The reason isn't important. What's important is that when I finished typing 2593 words, I realised how messed up I am. That really wasn't a good idea. I mean, I always knew I wasn't 'right', but man... I was literally just being lifted from my spiral and I've sent myself back again. I'm so fucking young but writing all of that out has made me feel so fucking old. That's usually a lifetime of experience. I would expect that kind of depth from a 40 y/o, not at all from a person of my age. Ugh. I wish I could just go somewhere. I guess it could be worse. It definitely could be worse. That doesn't make me feel better, though. 

Whatever.

----------


## SmileyFace

Someone took something I said the wrong way and just isn't believing that I meant no harm whatsoever. THAT pisses me off. I don't even KNOW this person well at all yet this still got to me. And it always brings back memories of how my parents always thought I was a bad kid (and they still think so) even though I don't do anything bad!  ::(:  I'm a bit more calm about all this right now but earlier I was so mad that I wanted to cry. I'm still agitated though but ugh... *sigh*

Plus my anxiety's been going berserk these past few days... always does during PMS. Which leaves me not being able to focus on studying for my final exams whatsoever. I just cannot concentrate.

----------


## JustGaara

I think my friend thinks I'm mad at her. She hasn't spoken to me in like two days. In a way, I'm glad because sometimes the [BEEP] she says is just *so* fucking ignorant. On the other hand, she's the only one I talk to on a daily basis so I miss her a bit. Funny how just the other day before she made that comment, I was thinking she's so perfect and feeling all  :Heart: _ :Heart:  towards her, now I just feel like she's kinda meh and annoying.

----------


## Chocolate

Waking up sucks

----------


## Chantellabella

The reason I'm avoiding anything Christmas this year and going down to New Orleans and abandoning my grown kids and grandkids, is because last year I got hurt very badly by my ex-husband and oldest son. My ex for the last 5 years has literally sabotaged every Christmas, but forcing my kids to chose between him or me. Or when I invite them, he insists they come to his house the same day so they have to eat and leave. Last year, my oldest son said he would cook the meal and bring it to my daughter's house and we could all open presents on Christmas Eve. They told me to come at 6pm. 

My ex didn't want to come when I was there, so he went during the day and had a fit that my son wasn't cooking dinner till that evening. So he insisted everyone open presents while he was there. When I got there, everyone was full, presents were already open and I got handed a hard cold piece of meat as my Christmas dinner. Because my ex got mad and my son caved in. I was so hurt, I couldn't even take a bite. As soon as I got there, my oldest son said he and his wife had to go visit her family and left. After about 15 minutes I could no longer hold back the tears. I told my daughter I didn't feel well, and left. I was hurting so bad. I ended up stopping at a church that was just going to start a service. I didn't even know what religion. I just sat there and cried. I didn't here from anyone on Christmas Day. Then my kids went to their dad's for a New Year's party and then for his birthday party on January 14. My kids didn't even call me for my birthday. 

I was the one who made everybody's birthday and Christmas special. Their father never even remembered their birthdays. It's fine that he's getting back in their lives with his wife, but does he still have to sabotage my happiness? Last year on Christmas, I was hurt so bad I finally poured out my hurt to my daughter and youngest son. I told them I was going down to New Orleans this Christmas to be with my mother. No tree. No decorations. No presents. I just needed a year to get over the hurt I had last year. It had just triggered the pain of being alone while living on the streets. He knew forcing the kids to celebrate early with him so that I had nothing when I got there would be just the thing to hurt me. It crushed me. 

I went to see Batman Live with my daughter, youngest son and grandson yesterday. I had invited them for several months that I'm going to be cooking dinner for them the Sunday after Christmas. Just a family get together at 1pm. No presents. Just dinner and family time. I asked them if they were going to their dad's for Christmas. They said no. They said he told them he was spending the holidays with his wife's family and thought maybe they could come the weekend after Christmas. Really???!!!! So it was so important for him to be with my children when it was my time to see them last year and he's actually going to force them to leave my house again to go to his house? Again!!?? Why??? Why does he feel he needs to ruin everything? I don't know what day they will see him. Maybe it will be the day before. But now my son who is single will do Christmas with his friends. My daughter will do Christmas just with her kids and my oldest son will do Christmas with this girl he just met. If I had known he was going to tell them he didn't want to do Christmas with them, I would have flown my mother here and had the family together. 

So what is it? He's married (yes, to a gold digging alcoholic who is 10 years older than him). He has gobs of money. He goes on 8 vacations a year. What could I possibly have that he's jealous of? The only thing that is obvious is that I'm happy and he seems to not be. Or maybe he's jealous that I don't have to bribe my kids to love me. But what hurts is the more birthday parties and parties he gives himself for them to come over and the more money he showers on them, the more they tend to forget me. They all three forgot my birthday. I was sad. 

I know I"m being petty. I tried this whole holiday season to ignore that it was Christmas because I didn't want the hurt to come up again. But finding out he is going to try and screw up this year again, has me hurting again. I think if my kids tell me their dad said to come over after being at my house, I will say something to them.  I know I'm the safer parent, meaning if they did anything vengeful to their dad they would get bad results while I seem to be a doormat and forgive. But I have to stop taking it. Enough is enough. I will not let my kids and ex husband hurt me anymore.

----------


## Koalafan

My dog hasnt been doing too well  ::(:

----------


## InvisibleLynn

I don't know how to tell my husband or anyone else that I'm not okay.

----------


## JustGaara

I have to go downtown to my school to turn in a paper later. I don't really want to go and I don't want to see any of my schoolmates there either because then I'll have to do this whole "LIFE IS SO AWESOME AMIRITE GUISE!!!" thing that I hate doing.

----------


## Sagan

Thanks all for your support during these hard times.

----------


## Arcadia

My job.  I need to move on, it's just not the right place for me any more.

----------


## MrQuiet76

i just don't wanna live this stupid joke of a life anymore :-(

----------


## RawrJessiRawr

In two days im meeting my new bfs family, im nervous, really nervous

----------


## Monotony

Once my doctor stops being able to give me a months worth of cymbalta samples I'm completely fucked neither I or my dad can afford to spend $300 a month on it. :-o

----------


## Chocolate

I feel very sad and can't get out of bed. I think I need to talk to my mom or something

----------


## JustGaara

Can't sleep. Heart palpitations and stomach knots.

----------


## Anteros

Feeling kind of lonely tonight.  Meh!

----------


## L

Been awake and kept active for over 24 hours straight, now I am in bed and don't feel tired.....doesn't help that it is the morning time either

----------


## Member11

> Feeling kind of lonely tonight.  Meh!



 :Hug:

----------


## Anteros

> 



Thanks, my friend!  :Hug:

----------


## L

Work knows I'm not comfortable cooking in the kitchen.....yet put me down to cook in the kitchen

----------


## fetisha

my mouth still hurts from having my tooth pulled and Im trying not to think of him but its hard *sigh*

----------


## gilt

My new boss is returning to my site tomorrow, this time with the three-person lab crew, all of them PhDs. I'm feeling anxious about it & I'm hoping I can make a good impression. 

Beating back the feelings of inferiority with a stick, heh.

----------


## Chocolate

My new phone is broken already. Piece of junk

----------


## Ont Mon

> My new phone is broken already. Piece of junk



 ::(:  fuuuuu

----------


## Marleywhite

One of my friends got arrested today :/

----------


## Anteros

Meh.

----------


## L

new nurses are being treated like crap here in Ireland

----------


## Total Eclipse

fkjfskjlkdfsjlkjldfsjfklkljfklfdsklskfdjlfdfsjlfdk  fsffklfkdadaskjdiasieeddsnlzcxkddjldfjklasfiodfkud  fjvdffvdfiafkafjfklvjkdsjvsk;ljklj;avkjfsk;ljdfsla  dfskjfsadfskk;aldfsjjjjjjjjjjjj;fdkjljldfjdfkllfss  kjdfsaklskfkjlfkjldfgsgghfhfskfsalkfskskfkdfsfskl;  fkaglgjklajfdkljdfklfakldfsjdfsk;ladfskldfsjadfsk;  lafsdkfdddddddddddddlkd;kdfsljdkljfioruiouvvbfdjdf  kuatiohbfkalueiulk;jadslkfjiautdshfstugiueiqqipdjv  sklklfjklaj;fiurptiotutgs

----------


## Koalafan

God this internet signal is crappy :-x

----------


## Monotony

My entire body is stiff I feel light headed I'm really thirsty even though I just drank like 4 litres of water and milk.

----------


## Coffee

feelin' lonesome, stressed and sad. not a great mix.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> feelin' lonesome, stressed and sad. not a great mix.



 :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

someone's taking ages to get back to me about stuff. now i have an anxiety attack going  :-_-:

----------


## Anteros

Insomnia, anxiety... a multitude of other things.   Oh brain, I wish you had an off switch!

----------


## Member11

Voice, will you shut up for a second?

----------


## Koalafan

Overwhelming depression and anxiety  ::(:

----------


## Duke Silver

Cant sleep. Clown wont eat me, I know. Still cant sleep.

----------


## Chocolate

Left foot hurts like a beech

----------


## ev0ker

Tired of thinking about what I could've done in the past. Tired of thinking about the two of them. Tired of making scenarios in my head. Why do I do this to myself?

----------


## JustGaara

Not really in the Christmas spirit even though this used to be my favorite holiday. Can't shake the feeling of being an unimportant bother to people, so I don't want to see them. Tired of these rapid changes in mood and outlook.

----------


## L

Oh dear - I hate these moments when I feel like a pure loser

----------


## Firefly09

It's cold.

----------


## Anteros

> Oh dear - I hate these moments when I feel like a pure loser



 ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## The Wanderer

I'm rather upset that I have to work on Christmas :/

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Overwhelming depression and anxiety



I know there's nothing I can say, so here's an e-hug  :Hug:  and a little kid being cute.

----------


## Koalafan

> I know there's nothing I can say, so here's an e-hug  and a little kid being cute.



Aww thank you!!  :Celebrate:  Adorable pic is adorable!!  :Hug:

----------


## Chocolate

So tired. Wish I would have checked the work schedule yesterday  :-_-:  oh well. In the words of Phoebe Buffay: Happy Christmas Eve Eve  ::):

----------


## Hannahstrange

I'm frustrated by how difficult it is for me to get where I would prefer to be at this moment instead of having a really boring rerun of the same boring crap I have been doing for years.

----------


## njodis

Northern winters are so miserable. This is going to be a long few months.

----------


## Total Eclipse

Family are being a pain, they don't understand how hard this effects me kjaklfj;aklfj;lksfdkla;dsj kladfsj;kldjk


dslds;laj;lfkdsjfalkjakldfj;lkfjdkl fjdf;klafjkfld;ja k;ljklfjklad;jfldk;jk klfjaklfj;kfljiuiosjkjklfkl

----------


## Ironman

Holiday stress.
I still have to buy candy for eight people, and then gifts for my mom.  Her birthday is Christmas Day.  ::):

----------


## gilt

> Holiday stress.
> I still have to buy candy for eight people, and then gifts for my mom.  Her birthday is Christmas Day.



Wow, what a Christmas gift for your mother's parents that year :-)





> Family are being a pain, they don't understand how hard this effects me kjaklfj;aklfj;lksfdkla;dsj kladfsj;kldjk
> 
> 
> dslds;laj;lfkdsjfalkjakldfj;lkfjdkl fjdf;klafjkfld;ja k;ljklfjklad;jfldk;jk klfjaklfj;kfljiuiosjkjklfkl



 :Hug:

----------


## Anteros

> Family are being a pain, they don't understand how hard this effects me kjaklfj;aklfj;lksfdkla;dsj kladfsj;kldjk
> 
> 
> dslds;laj;lfkdsjfalkjakldfj;lkfjdkl fjdf;klafjkfld;ja k;ljklfjklad;jfldk;jk klfjaklfj;kfljiuiosjkjklfkl



*Doubles*

 :Hug:

----------


## Total Eclipse

Thank you @ Neptunus and Gilt  :Hug:

----------


## Coffee

lol @ how you said i could trust you. shame on you for feeding me lies and shame on me for believing in you. you really fucked me up. i hope you are happy. and i actually mean that in a non-sarcastic way. i genuinely hope you are happy.

----------


## sanspants

Trying to figure out who my friends are, on this site vs. the other one, is really fucking me up. I'm sitting here unable to figure out who to message where, and if those particular people really care in the first place. 

The other problem is trying to figure out who is inviting me where, and if they really want me to go with them to a Christmas Eve party or a New Year's party--of if either of those parties *are actually going to exist* It's like the blind leading the blind.

----------


## Hannahstrange

I am getting really sick of having to deal with people who are constantly trying to hurt others by being rude for no reason especially in a place like this. I understand they're trolls and I understand they may be hurting as well but in a community like this where it's about being supportive for Anxiety and knowing how many other issues there may be with that person why is it okay for them to stick around when they continue to be the opposite of supportive but rather a whole new thorn in your side?! This isn't a matter of personalities that don't mesh well. 

I can't bring myself to report them because I feel like it'd be pointless.. My blocking option doesn't seem to be sticking and I'm always reminded whenever they're back again saying something rude AGAIN and I have to block them.. AGAIN.

I've reread what I wrote over and over again and I continue feel even more stupid the more I reread it. I just am not able to deal with people.

----------


## Anteros

I'm running out of time to complete my Christmas craft projects. It's going to be close!


--------------- 





> I am getting really sick of having to deal with people who are constantly trying to hurt others by being rude for no reason especially in a place like this. I understand they're trolls and I understand they may be hurting as well but in a community like this where it's about being supportive for Anxiety and knowing how many other issues there may be with that person why is it okay for them to stick around when they continue to be the opposite of supportive but rather a whole new thorn in your side?! This isn't a matter of personalities that don't mesh well. 
> 
> I can't bring myself to report them because I feel like it'd be pointless.. My blocking option doesn't seem to be sticking and I'm always reminded whenever they're back again saying something rude AGAIN and I have to block them.. AGAIN.
> 
> I've reread what I wrote over and over again and I continue feel even more stupid the more I reread it. I just am not able to deal with people.



 ::(:  

Hannahstrange, I'm sending you a PM.

----------


## L

It's almost 3am Christmas morning and mum flipped off to to bed will not let her spoil my Christmas now matter how much she disapproves

----------


## est

Feeling lonely and worthless/suicidal. Another night, but more time to think about things. I should get back to reading that book.

----------


## Chocolate

My dog just farted x_x

----------


## Ont Mon

> My dog just farted x_x



Goddamn rat dogs.

----------


## Trendsetter

Wow, it's raining outside on Christmas.....this is bullshit.  ::   :Crossed Arms:

----------


## Yellow

Alone on Christmas. No presents either today

----------


## gilt

> Alone on Christmas. No presents either today



Sorry to hear, Yellow  :Hug:

----------


## Hannahstrange

Dealing with a lot of people brings out a whole lot of frustration. It doesn't even seem worth it but I couldn't run away and hide from it all again just because it's hard. It's all a learning process..

I just wish people would stop trying to tell me how I should or shouldn't feel about certain things. It's not their job to and I'm not them and I will never be them. What I feel is important to me or offensive is my business and none of theirs. If I feel that I may need to rethink the situation I will in my own time but not because you call me names and yell at me. You can say all that crap you want to say though and I won't stop you it's not my job to.. I can just simply remove you from my life.

----------


## njodis

I'm bored as all hell. Nothing sounds fun or appealing. Grr.

----------


## Anteros

I have a headache.

----------


## Coffee

sudden overwhelming sadness and i don't even know the trigger. i hate it when this happens.

----------


## Anteros

> sudden overwhelming sadness and i don't even know the trigger. i hate it when this happens.



 :Hug: 

----------


 My bedroom looks like a craft store exploded in it!   What a mess!!!!

----------


## Member11

> sudden overwhelming sadness and i don't even know the trigger. i hate it when this happens.



 :Hug:

----------


## Anteros

I don't know why I bother, I really shouldn't!   I need to just move on... like I planned.

----------


## JustGaara

I was so bored that I slept for 15 hours today. Probably will go back to sleep in 2-3 hours.

----------


## Koalafan

My doggy probably doesn't have much longer  ::(:

----------


## Coffee

> My doggy probably doesn't have much longer



 ::(:  sending a big squishy hug your way x





> 







> 



Thank you cutie pies

----------


## Koalafan

> sending a big squishy hug your way x
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you cutie pies



thank you very much!!!  :Hug:

----------


## gilt

> My doggy probably doesn't have much longer



Sorry to hear, Koalafan  :Hug:

----------


## Member11

> Thank you cutie pies



 ::

----------


## Koalafan

> Sorry to hear, Koalafan



Thank you!!  :Hug:

----------


## Member11

Sick ::

----------


## Anteros

My snow blower broke and I have to go out several times tonight to shovel our long-ass driveway because I have to work tomorrow.  Meh!!!!!!!!

Well, at least the power didn't go out.

----------


## kc1895

7th day with bronchitis, doc wont give me antibiotics yet.  missing a lot of work, boss will be upset.

----------


## Trendsetter

> My snow blower broke and I have to go out several times tonight to shovel our long-ass driveway because I have to work tomorrow.  Meh!!!!!!!!
> 
> Well, at least the power didn't go out.



We have tridents, so that should fix those problems!  ::

----------


## Anteros

> We have tridents, so that should fix those problems!



Mine only freezes things and so does yours!  We need an upgrade.

But, alas, Vulcan is out on vacation for the week. *sigh*

Looks like I'll only be wielding a shovel tonight.   

 *sighs again*

8 inches of snow...

----------


## Trendsetter

> Mine only freezes things and so does yours!  We need an upgrade.
> 
> But, alas, Vulcan is out on vacation for the week. *sigh*
> 
> Looks like I'll only be wielding a shovel tonight.   
> 
>  *sighs again*
> 
> 8 inches of snow...



If that's the case, I should zap these storm clouds we have around here with arctic energy blasts...and finally get some snow!  :Celebrate: 

Though that shoveling is a lot of work, wish I could clean it up for you. :grin:

----------


## Anteros

> If that's the case, I should zap these storm clouds we have around here with arctic energy blasts...and finally get some snow!



Oh wait, I gave you the double-headed one - it only does lightening bolts.  But since you're not here, that's not going to do me any good.  ::(: 





> Though that shoveling is a lot of work, wish I could clean it up for you. :grin:



Awwww, thanks anyway.  :Hug:   I wouldn't want you suffer like me, lol!

----------


## Skippy

I hope today's crap has/will have blown over. We have over 1000$+ to pay in bills, so I'm a little stressed right now.

----------


## rachelchloe

Feelin'....poopy.

----------


## Chantellabella

Grr!!! 3 weeks ago, I got my pest control to come put up poison to the damned rats that got into my attic from my neighbor's house. Rather than put the bait where the rats are, the guy put it on the freaking other side of the house where they don't even go and on the outside. It's been 3 weeks and they are STILL in my attic in the SAME place where they freaking were 3 weeks ago and still alive and scratching. I'll be lucky if I have any wood or wires left. I called and told them the rats are still there and asked them to put it in the eaves where I told them to put it the first time. The guy just told me they were busy. Busy??!!! Oh but their bill came to me 3 days after the guy came. I told them tonight that I wasn't paying anything and if they couldn't come out in the next few days I would get somebody who could actually do the job! Grrrr!!!!!

----------


## CaduceusGUILT

Impossible to trust anyone.

----------


## rachelchloe

> Impossible to trust anyone.



Even me?:c

----------


## WintersTale

My sister said last night that her ex is more of a man than me, because 

A.) He's into cars, sports, and the typical guy stuff
B.) He doesn't like Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber
C.) He's not shy around girls

This offended me, because her ex was physically and mentally abusive to her, and is now physically and mentally abusive to her children. I'm sorry, but no real man abuses women and children.

She got really offended when I brought up that argument. I don't understand her, I really don't. He is NOT a nice guy!

----------


## Trendsetter

I guess she wasn't the right girl for me, oh well.

----------


## WintersTale

I don't feel like swimming later. I hate my body.

But I might do it, since my sister's kids want to go swimming, and they want me to go. Don't want to disappoint them.

----------


## Fallen18

Feeling blue lately. I feel like I need to go back to my Therapist again. :c I'm such a weak person.

----------


## Sagan

I'm about to loose it. Everything has to go,

----------


## gilt

> Feeling blue lately. I feel like I need to go back to my Therapist again. :c I'm such a weak person.



 :Hug:  No, you're not, Fallen18. You should see your therapist if you feel that it would help.

----------


## Fallen18

> No, you're not, Fallen18. You should see your therapist if you feel that it would help.



Aw thanks for thinking otherwise  :Hug: . Many people would beg to differ espicially with the whole Therapist thing......but wheather I'm weak or not I'm still going back to get help.

----------


## gilt

> Aw thanks for thinking otherwise . Many people would beg to differ espicially with the whole Therapist thing......but wheather I'm weak or not I'm still going back to get help.



Good for you! :-) You're the one who knows what's best for yourself, don't worry what others think.

----------


## CaduceusGUILT

I'm broken.

----------


## Chantellabella

> I'm broken.



*big hug* I don't think you're broken. I think you're awesome.





> I guess she wasn't the right girl for me, oh well.



sorry.  ::(:

----------


## Fallen18

i can't sleep.

----------


## Anteros

> I'm broken.




No you're not, you're human.   Live and learn, right? 





> I guess she wasn't the right girl for me, oh well.



But you didn't settle for less, and that takes strength.   You did good!





> i can't sleep.



Me either!   :Hug:

----------


## Coffee

i really need to get the hell out of here. fuck. i'm trying to protect myself and stand up for myself but, nah, that's just being selfish and rude. but i did it anyway so now i will prepare for an onslaught of guilt, criticism and scolding. so much fun.

----------


## sanspants

> My sleep schedule is so messed up. I keep trying to change it and nothing works. Something about being isolated makes you nocturnal.



x 2. Only this time, I spent 18 hours in bed! I guess I uh, feel rested...





> i really need to get the hell out of here. fuck. i'm trying to protect myself and stand up for myself but, nah, that's just being selfish and rude. but i did it anyway so now i will prepare for an onslaught of guilt, criticism and scolding. so much fun.



You seem cool. Where are you stuck, and what's keep you there?

----------


## Fallen18

I finally thought I was getting better and now I have a fever. God why must you hate me! >_< this whole winter break I've just been sick and icky.

----------


## Antidote

^ I'm sick too. I feel and look like hell.

----------


## SmileyFace

Person I'm trying to avoid still somehow finds ways to contact me. Rather creepy if you ask me...

----------


## L

blah why do friendships have to be complicated...

----------


## fetisha

I dont deserve to be alive right now

----------


## L

> I dont deserve to be alive right now



Yes you do!

----------


## Fallen18

> I dont deserve to be alive right now



no one deserves to die especially you  :Hug:  if okay. I hope you feel better!

----------


## Koalafan

> I dont deserve to be alive right now



 ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Monotony

I think I have a fever I'm boiling and it's like -10C my windows wide open I'm eating a bowl of icecream and just drank an icecold drink and im still boiling  :Mega Shock: :

----------


## JustGaara

I'm invisible.

----------


## Ont Mon

So a 'friend' of mine just randomly cut off all forms of contact with me. I have no idea why he did it or what I did wrong. Wtf is with people..fucking untrustworthy douchebags.

----------


## Hannahstrange

I get that there is no point in investing anything in anyone so far away from me but I can't help that I enjoy being with you far more then people closer to me. It's too late now though. I feel stupid and lame for even feeling that way. 

It's probably for the best anyways and the frustration and hurt will pass.

----------


## Coffee

I want a real life hug so much. Damn you, anxiety, taking all of this [BEEP] away from me. I used to get hugs every single day. Now I don't even remember the last time I had a hug. Whatever, I'll hug my dog. It's practice for when I'm a crazy dog lady.

----------


## Fallen18

> I want a real life hug so much. Damn you, anxiety, taking all of this [BEEP] away from me. I used to get hugs every single day. Now I don't even remember the last time I had a hug. Whatever, I'll hug my dog. It's practice for when I'm a crazy dog lady.



Well it's not real but  :Hug:  :Hug:  :Hug:

----------


## Coffee

> Well it's not real but



That's so sweet, thank you  ::):  





> I dont really, I tried to kill myself last night and Im still here *sigh* I dont belong on this earth Im a terrible person I tried to be happy and things fall apart everytime, but thanks :/



I'm sorry to hear things are so bad at the moment. Send a PM my way if you ever want someone to talk to, and i'm sure you know of all the crisis lines out there. I think there's a few links on this website as well. Use them. You're worth fighting for so please don't give up. I believe in you.

----------


## Fallen18

> I dont really, I tried to kill myself last night and Im still here *sigh* I dont belong on this earth Im a terrible person I tried to be happy and things fall apart everytime, but thanks :/



Well that's not good :c I'm sorry to hear you're in so much pain I know that feeling. I know it sounds cliche and you're most likely want to slap me for saying this, but things DO get better. You just have to keep fighting Girly  :Hug:  you can talk to me if you ever need help as well. I'm not so good with advice but I just try to be there.

----------


## Monotony

Once my doctor is unable to keep giving me boxes of samples for my medication I wont be able to afford it but I really don't want to try applying for welfare.

----------


## Fallen18

I'm feeling highly irrational at the moment and it's not a good feeling at all having reckless thinking. Where's my therapist when I need her *curls up in ball*

----------


## Monotony

> I'm feeling highly irrational at the moment and it's not a good feeling at all having reckless thinking. Where's my therapist when I need her *curls up in ball*

----------


## JustAShadow

Tomorrow is Monday.  ::(:

----------


## JustGaara

> Once my doctor is unable to keep giving me boxes of samples for my medication I wont be able to afford it but I really don't want to try applying for welfare.



It's not my place to suggest anything, really, but I think you should do whatever it takes to keep yourself well. If the medication is working for you, don't let yourself get pushed off of it by this if you could stay on by applying for welfare. It might suck, but it's a lot better than the alternative. Either way you decide, though, I wish you the best.  ::):

----------


## Monotony

> It's not my place to suggest anything, really, but I think you should do whatever it takes to keep yourself well. If the medication is working for you, don't let yourself get pushed off of it by this if you could stay on by applying for welfare. It might suck, but it's a lot better than the alternative. Either way you decide, though, I wish you the best.



Ya I kind of have no choice $300 a month is bloody ridiculous and we have no benefits.

----------


## JustGaara

> Ya I kind of have no choice $300 a month is bloody ridiculous and we have no benefits.



Damn, the meds cost $300 a month??? I second gilt... Is there no generic version?

----------


## Monotony

> Damn, the meds cost $300 a month??? I second gilt... Is there no generic version?



Nope >.< just prices in Canada being bullshit like usual.

----------


## JustGaara

> Nope >.< just prices in Canada being bullshit like usual.



Yeah that's insane man. I hope you get that sorted  ::):

----------


## Hannahstrange

I cancelled plans with someone. I couldnât do it.. I canât bring myself to leave my house. My anxiety is too much and I couldnât tell them that so I tried to make something else happen instead so I could have an excuse.. Explaining the real reason why wouldâve been pointless. Not many people understand and they just think telling me over and over again to do it will help. IT DOESNâT BY THE WAY. 

I feel horrible because I disappointed them a lot and they are probably upset.

----------


## Grand Jete

Argh. It's amazing how up and down I've been the last week. After feeling pretty good yesterday, I'm back in the dumps. And all that it took to trigger my current bad mood was looking at a full-body picture of myself. Short, dumpy legs, no waist, fat arms...ugh. No wonder I don't get any attention from men. I'm sure they all find me repulsive.

/end narcissistic rant

----------


## Fallen18

I feel hideous. sometimes I look in the mirror and feel good but not today and pictures always make me feel like crap. I wish I looked like other girls without freckles or bad acne and bad hair :c but nope unattractive mess here. Even my mom makes fun of the way I look it's just hard.

----------


## Grand Jete

My dad is screaming at me once again. Apparently I'm a dirty pig, a f***ing mental retard, someone who deserves to live under a bridge. I already began the day feeling like s*** and now I feel ten times worse.

----------


## Monotony

> I feel hideous. sometimes I look in the mirror and feel good but not today and pictures always make me feel like crap. I wish I looked like other girls without freckles or bad acne and bad hair :c but nope unattractive mess here. Even my mom makes fun of the way I look it's just hard.



I thinks your mirrors broken better ask for a new one for your birthday.

----------


## L

_"The woman was raped for nearly an hour before the men pushed a metal rod inside her, severely damaging her internal organs, and then dumped both her and her friend on the roadside"_  Made me cry, then throw up - words escape me, but being female is very scary

----------


## Monotony

> _"The woman was raped for nearly an hour before the men pushed a metal rod inside her, severely damaging her internal organs, and then dumped both her and her friend on the roadside"_  Made me cry, then throw up - words escape me, but being female is very scary



I say they impale em on a log ala vlad the impaler once they catch them. Seems like a fitting sentence to me. 

Edit: Oh looks like they've already been arrested they should impale them in the city square and leave them there until they die. That should send a strong message to the rest of them.

----------


## Koalafan

Bah this being new years just highlights the fact of how much i miss her  ::(:

----------


## Anteros

> Bah this being new years just highlights the fact of how much i miss her



 :Hug:

----------


## Anteros

> _"The woman was raped for nearly an hour before the men pushed a metal rod inside her, severely damaging her internal organs, and then dumped both her and her friend on the roadside"_  Made me cry, then throw up - words escape me, but being female is very scary



Oh, I was horrified when I first heard about this - that poor woman!   

Depressing... very depressing.

----------


## Koalafan

> 



Thank you Neptunus!  :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

Waiting for ages for someone to get back to a msg of mine *sigh* the joy of really liking someone. They have a life while I do not...

----------


## fetisha

my head is pounding and hurting from all the stress and drama thats been going on lately

----------


## transcending

I have an exam in seven days  :Mega Shock:

----------


## grimmnaux

People from my school and college days are getting in relationships, getting married, doing well at their jobs, living a happy life, achieving their goals, while I am doing nothing....

----------


## Chantellabella

> People from my school and college days are getting in relationships, getting married, doing well at their jobs, living a happy life, achieving their goals, while I am doing nothing....



I'm sorry. :-(

----------


## Chantellabella

I think I have the flu. Running around my yard in my pajamas hitting rats with hose water didn't help (see my blog for the gory details). My temperature keeps getting higher and higher. Time to give in and go lie down. I hate being sick on my days off. If I'm going to be sick I should do it on days I can get sick pay. This sucks.

----------


## JustAShadow

The post holiday blues.

----------


## JustGaara

Nervous about going out with an acquaintance tomorrow. I've never hung out with her before without _doing_ something... I hope I don't turn into an awkward mess.

----------


## Koalafan

Wow....am I really that much on unlikable person? =/

----------


## jsgt

Someone might have shared something with someone I didn't want them to. If I share something with you, that's because I want to let YOU know...not anyone else. Why do you have so much trouble doing that? I should have known better than to trust a blabber mouth. :rolleyes:

----------


## Meadowlark

I hate this time of year, after the holidays.  I've got to keep from falling into a deep depression again.

----------


## njodis

Never been so depressed. Even things that should be good end up being twisted and horrid. Life sucks.

----------


## Ironman

Yep - she was born on Christmas morning.

People are surprised when I tell them that.  One lady said "Oh, that's so cool.  What's her name?  Holly?".  I was like "Nope.  Mary."  :Rofl:

----------


## Ironman

What is bothering me?

Going back to work after a nearly three week vacation.......and I have three days unused that carried over into 2013.  With an extra holiday day given to us, that makes four-plus vacation days before I even start my year  :Rofl: .

----------


## Trendsetter

"Be a man" has to be one of the dumbest phrases I've ever heard.  ::

----------


## Koalafan

my dog is having trouble getting up and walking around...I think he's getting worse :-(

----------


## Frogger

I haz a cold.

----------


## Chocolate

Some idiot stole my ipod on new years  :-_-:  i pray to god that my password was on the "after ten tries it erases everything" setting or i am fucking going to die.

----------


## L

Crying and close to having a panic attack, it is really not that bad but I am panicking

----------


## peace

^ :Hug: You will be alright.

----------


## Kesky

> Crying and close to having a panic attack, it is really not that bad but I am panicking



*hugs*

----------


## Grand Jete

My editor can be such a b**** sometimes. And yet I put up with her because I need the work.

----------


## SmileyFace

slowly going into a relapse. currently trying to reinforce better and more positive thoughts to pull out of this hellhole..

----------


## Hannahstrange

I feel off. My brain has given up on me for today.

----------


## Monotony

Bought a new case for my computer every things going great and then.... [BEEP] you power supply and your short cords >.< Back to store I go tomorrow to get one with longer cords so I don't have the cords all over the damn place and so I can actually screw it in without leaving it half sitting half dangling on the bottom of the case. I hate electronics >.<

----------


## Coffee

I complain about the most ridiculous things in my head. Actually ridiculous.

----------


## RawrJessiRawr

I have a fear of never being good enough, i cant seem to shake it -.-

----------


## JustAShadow

I'm tired of things not working out.  And drama.

----------


## Coffee

> oh you :3



IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN. I LOVE YOU CHOCOLATE x

----------


## Ont Mon

I don't want to wake up from my sleep. I want it to end, and this is the best way for it to happen.

----------


## L

I arrived at the nct place 40 minutes early....now I have to wait...

----------


## JustGaara

My false confidence and how it can be shattered by the harsh words of a stranger. I'm worthless.

----------


## jsgt

A UPS package delivered at 2:30pm yesterday was suppose to be waiting at my door when I got home today...but it's nowhere to be found and I don't want to go ask the neighbors about it.

----------


## SmileyFace

Can't stand it when I'm uber impatient about things I should not be impatient about whatsoever. Of course, there's lots of things you shouldn't be impatient about but I can't help but get that way anyway *sigh*

----------


## Fallen18

Spent over a hour trying to rationalize sui*** reassuring myself people would be okay. Cried about it now I'm being a lonely freakin loser and doing the thing I hate most in the world which is drinking straight up vodka and this [BEEP] burns. I'm the definition of a pathetic mess someone should just punch me.

----------


## Monotony

> Spent over a hour trying to rationalize sui*** reassuring myself people would be okay. Cried about it now I'm being a lonely freakin loser and doing the thing I hate most in the world which is drinking straight up vodka and this [BEEP] burns. I'm the definition of a pathetic mess someone should just punch me.






Are those baby alligators?  :Confused:

----------


## WintersTale

I should have said something to that girl today. I am such an idiot!

----------


## Marleywhite

I'm not looking forward to Monday because I am going to be spending time with people.  ::

----------


## compulsive

I feel sick. I cant sleep. I cant play the game I like without resenting it. I cant study. I think this could be a headache actually. I have had it for the past few days. Pain killer time.

----------


## L

Stupid sa has me feeling sick over stupid things

----------


## SmileyFace

Woke up on the wrong side of the bed today....

----------


## Anteros

Meh.

----------


## JustGaara

Trying to balance between pushing toward being more social and a better friend and nagging thoughts of suicide that always linger in the back of my mind.

----------


## L

One of the nurses complained about me to another staff member - that staff member told me, I wouldn't mind but what was said was untrue so it really upset me

----------


## FraidyCat

work

----------


## rachelchloe

I'm sick, and in pain. But hey, at least i'm not throwing up anymore.(: 

But my head is still really heavy and its hard to keep my eyes open. Plus they put a needle in my hand for the first time and it sucked.:c

----------


## rapidfox1

Coming back to school; my Christmas vacation is over. And doing this assignment which involves having a partner; I don't have a partner.

----------


## compulsive

vomit mouth.

----------


## Leary

I feel so boring. Like I lost whatever charm I used to have that made people want to talk to me. Now I just ask inane questions and hope that whoever I'm talking to will lead me through the conversation. >.<

----------


## FracturedMoonlight

He's drunk...again. How do you tell an alcoholic they can't just have ONE? I really try...but it's getting harder.

----------


## JustGaara

Made a fool out of myself at the meetup in front of my friend. Why do I even bother anymore? Staying inside for the rest of my vacation, I think.

----------


## Ont Mon

I can be a real dick to people I care about deeply sometimes..I'm an idiot.  ::

----------


## Monotony

School tomorrow   :Crossed Arms:

----------


## SmileyFace

i hate asking people to hang out. I mean, I don't mind initiating hangouts but I just get so easily frustrated and sad when someone isn't able to hang out or they simply do not feel like it (even when it's nothing personal). I just always feel so guilty afterwards when asking someone to hang out, like I'm bothering them  ::\:

----------


## Chocolate

I've been feeling miserable for 2+ weeks. I want to not exist

----------


## WintersTale

I want out of this house. I am tired of trying to be responsible for someone else's kids.

----------


## WeAreStars

Anxiety  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

Talking to someone I fell out with several months ago and trying to sort things. =/

----------


## Monotony

It's march break already?  ::o:

----------


## GunnyHighway

Having such a ridiculously hard time making a decision. I am so bad with change, but it may be necessary. 

I'm currently employed at a place that I don't find terribly stressful, but the pay is small for a computer technician. ($13.50/h, I basically run the store alongside my boss since I put 40 hours a week in and everyone else is 20 hours or less) I got an offer from a friend/moderator at a website a frequent, which may net me a slightly better paying job, with high chances of moving up from the starting position. The issue being it's a much longer commute, and the whole anxiety thing having to deal with new people and places. That and it's a field in which I'm not terribly familiar with, telecom.

Argh.

----------


## Koalafan

I miss cindy already  ::(:

----------


## JustGaara

Torn between being in love and the dreadful feeling that this can't last and I'm just setting myself up to be hurt. Feeling stuff is scary.

----------


## Anteros

Despite being bone-tired, I still can't sleep.

----------


## WintersTale

The fact that I am so sensitive.

----------


## Chocolate

Bad sleep.

----------


## Anteros

> The fact that I am so sensitive.



I struggle with that as well.  :Hug:

----------


## WintersTale

Lotsa snow. Fun fun.

Not.

----------


## WintersTale

I can't edit my post! I wish I hadn't said that.  ::(:

----------


## Coffee

oops. 

at least that mistake has been made now, so it's one less thing to worry about, ha.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Sigh...had a really long dream about my ex last night. It's been a long time since that's happened. It wasn't a terrible dream persay, it's just that I woke up from it.

----------


## SmileyFace

Feeling rather bitchy this morning...

----------


## James

Feeling very, very lonely. But too anxious and depressed to be around anyone.

I really hate my life.

----------


## Koalafan

I am not digging this not being able to edit my posts after 5 minutes thing =/

----------


## Arthur Dent

My own inability to stop making my happiness depend on if others want to talk with me or not.

----------


## Member11

No new episodes and no sleep makes me go something something...

----------


## Twelve Keyz

I'm contemplating dropping a course again because I've fallen too far behind. I'll only be taking 2 courses if I do that. In two years, I've managed to earn 5.5 credits... everyone else has at least 8. I feel so fucking pathetic. I don't even know what to do anymore.  Maybe if I had something of a social life, I wouldn't feel compelled to waste so many hours doing nothing on the internet and I'd actually get my work done

----------


## Chocolate

I don't know what to dooooo. Life is so boring when your one friend is away D: how did I survive before, seriously...

----------


## Antidote

Allergies. FFS what is this? Hay fever season ended months ago.

----------


## WintersTale

My cat just attacked me.  ::(: 

I'm not letting her back into my room. She can just stew outside.

----------


## L

To warm to be drinking tea.

----------


## WintersTale

I feel so despondent. It feels like things will never get better.

This year has sucked so far. 2012 had a lot of ups and downs, but not these constant downs like this.

----------


## James

It's really beautiful outside. I woke up feeling so, so bummed this morning, because I know I'm not gonna leave my apartment this weekend. I wish I could get out there, make some friends, at least be with other people....doing....something, anything. But I can't. It's physically impossible. I would be a complete trainwreck if I tried to make myself.

I have so much self-hate because of that.

----------


## JustGaara

Just not feeling good about a lot of things.

----------


## Monotony

> To warm to be drinking tea.



It's never not a time to drink tea!

----------


## SmileyFace

I feel so ignored and lonely today..

----------


## Ont Mon

> I feel so ignored and lonely today..

----------


## Sagan

I feel so isolated and withdrawn. I feel that I am loosing my social skills. As each passing day goes by I am becoming more withdrawn and going inward, and folding in on my self. if that makes sense.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I removed my one and only friend from all my chat programs today, as well as shutting off the Ventrilo server we used to talk on. She found a boyfriend as of December and basically has ignored me since. It's absolutely horrible trying to talk to someone and feel like you aren't worthy of their attention. Her justification to me has been, "If you were in my shoes you'd do the same thing." Bull. Fucking. Shit. I flew to the middle of nowhere in Saskatchewan to meet my then girlfriend and still managed to talk to my friend every single night before I went to sleep. It's not hard to have a 10 minute conversation with someone you've known for 4 years and considered your best friend.

But now here I sit, crying to a forum of people who probably couldn't care less about the guy behind this screen. I tried so hard recently to get my life back on track and to better myself. I lost 55 pounds, I got a whole new wardrobe, and I cut off the 2+ feet of hair I had been growing for 5 years. I've changed all of that after losing the girl I loved so much, I changed all that because I knew I needed to do it for myself. Now I just get to sit here wondering what was the point. I went from being a fat slob with a girlfriend and a best friend, to being sightly less fat and changing my looks, without those two great people in my life. I wish I could just go back to the time when I felt like I existed.

----------


## Antidote

This heatwave will be the death of me.

----------


## Chopin12

completely bored.. nothing to do.. nothing sounds enticing to me

all the reguar stuff ive been doing lately seems dull and grey

----------


## GunnyHighway

A follow up to my most recent post in this thread. Her boyfriend is gone away for a while and of course *now* she wants to talk to me. I haven't replied to either of her emails or her text. It feels terrible to ignore the person I consider my best friend, but she needs to realize what it's like to be treated like a ghost.

----------


## Sarahann

my panic attacks and migraines ugh

----------


## Matty

Had average food for lunch. Should have had good food to fuel me for the rest of this fun filled day.

----------


## Teddy

> my panic attacks and migraines ugh



 :Hug:

----------


## compulsive

Huge exposure tomorrow I might die. Not so much the SA, but the fear of failure is making me vomit.

----------


## WintersTale

I don't know how to pull myself out of this depression. For the past three weeks, I've had the attitude of "Why bother?" I basically sleep too much and don't feel like doing what I used to do. Even music isn't that interesting to me, anymore.

The kids have noticed. My niece told my mom that she's worried about me, because I sleep too much. And now they're all acting like they're walking on eggshells around me, even my nephew who has mental issues...I think they're all afraid that I'm going to off myself or something.

I don't have suicidal idealizations, but I definitely feel like I don't know how to pull myself out of this funk. I am struggling in one of my classes, to the point where I am failing and not understanding anything that comes out of the teachers mouth...and trying to hide this from my mom and not worry her (she is 62, has diabetes, and is stressing out over other things) is making it frustrating for me. On the other hand, I have a running B in the other class I'm taking, and the professor there has said that he's very proud of me...so I don't know.

I am also at the point where I want to make new music, but I don't feel like recording it. I jam away on my guitar, and I've written some things that sound really, really good, but I can't be bothered to record it and throw bass and keyboards on it. I definitely know I'm suffering from depression, because it's a loss of interest...I love being in the studio and recording and mixing, and it's worrisome.

----------


## Member11

> Huge exposure tomorrow I might die. Not so much the SA, but the fear of failure is making me vomit.



 :Hug:

----------


## compulsive

Thanks  ::

----------


## L

I hit a wall

----------


## WintersTale

Worrying about worrying is worrisome.

----------


## takethebiscuit

> I don't know how to pull myself out of this depression. For the past three weeks, I've had the attitude of "Why bother?" I basically sleep too much and don't feel like doing what I used to do. Even music isn't that interesting to me, anymore.
> 
> The kids have noticed. My niece told my mom that she's worried about me, because I sleep too much. And now they're all acting like they're walking on eggshells around me, even my nephew who has mental issues...I think they're all afraid that I'm going to off myself or something.
> 
> I don't have suicidal idealizations, but I definitely feel like I don't know how to pull myself out of this funk. I am struggling in one of my classes, to the point where I am failing and not understanding anything that comes out of the teachers mouth...and trying to hide this from my mom and not worry her (she is 62, has diabetes, and is stressing out over other things) is making it frustrating for me. On the other hand, I have a running B in the other class I'm taking, and the professor there has said that he's very proud of me...so I don't know.
> 
> I am also at the point where I want to make new music, but I don't feel like recording it. I jam away on my guitar, and I've written some things that sound really, really good, but I can't be bothered to record it and throw bass and keyboards on it. I definitely know I'm suffering from depression, because it's a loss of interest...I love being in the studio and recording and mixing, and it's worrisome.



Yes, from what you've said here I'd guess you might well be suffering from depression. The loss of interest, the over sleeping (unless there's actually something physical going on which is causing that. Always worth checking with a doctor anyway).

Depression also has a numbing effect and the power to mess with your memory (especially if there's a change in your sleeping patterns too) which could explain the difficulties in taking in things from one of your class teachers.

I know depression well but you know your situation well. If you think you can handle thing as they are then fair enough. But I would recommend talking to someone about the depression if you are not already doing so.

----------


## The Wanderer

Work making me miserable, the usual

----------


## James

My therapist. I had a really bad session with her today...I got emotional, had a complete breakdown. Her answer was that I'm being lazy. If I really wanted to be happy, I would make an effort to be happy. If I really wanted to get out of my apartment more, I would just get off my [BEEP] and do it. If I really was tired of being anxious and depressed, I would get out more, make friends, stop isolating. Unbelievable. I give up on her. I'm finding a new therapist (yet again).

----------


## WintersTale

> My therapist. I had a really bad session with her today...I got emotional, had a complete breakdown. Her answer was that I'm being lazy. If I really wanted to be happy, I would make an effort to be happy. If I really wanted to get out of my apartment more, I would just get off my [BEEP] and do it. If I really was tired of being anxious and depressed, I would get out more, make friends, stop isolating. Unbelievable. I give up on her. I'm finding a new therapist (yet again).



Yikes, that isn't a good therapist, at all!

----------


## takethebiscuit

> My therapist. I had a really bad session with her today...I got emotional, had a complete breakdown. Her answer was that I'm being lazy. If I really wanted to be happy, I would make an effort to be happy. If I really wanted to get out of my apartment more, I would just get off my [BEEP] and do it. If I really was tired of being anxious and depressed, I would get out more, make friends, stop isolating. Unbelievable. I give up on her. I'm finding a new therapist (yet again).



"Lazy" was the actual words she used? Wow, that sucks. I don't know what she was doing saying that. Hope you find a better therapist.

----------


## James

^^ Thanks. Yeah, she actually used the word lazy. I'm ten different kinds of pissed off, and hurt, and confused right now. I really thought she could help me. I think she was probably really frustrated with me, she doesn't know what to do with me. She's only seen me three times, and she's changed my meds twice already. Anyway I should meet with a new one tomorrow morning. Got my fingers crossed.

----------


## Sagan

Having anxiety attack! Feel like the world is closing in on me. I can't handle this  ::(:

----------


## meeps

parents will divorce and my dad probably thinks i'm a burden and I feel like one. I am lagging behind

----------


## L

Girl in my year is having high amounts of anxiety over an assignment we need to do, I have not spoken to her proper in about a year and now I have offered to help her. 

I don't mind helping her but she leaves everything to the last minute and I still have my own work to finish off. My plan if she wants my help will be to keep her settled and do my work while in her presence - maybe help her come up with a plan or what ever....

I can't say no....

----------


## JustGaara

Got involved in some shady [BEEP] at my school. Now that I'm trying to do the right thing, I feel like an awful person. I feel boxed in, like my life is coming to an end now and it's terrifying. I don't think I've ever been this anxious before.

----------


## Fallen18

And my mood's shot to sh** once again. Horray for suicidal urges. <------sarcasm.  So tired and emotionally drained right now.

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

Grahhhh I hate this project. I needed to do stuff with other people and I didn't so now I have diddly-squat and we have to present tomorrow and it's gonna be so damn awkward when I have to say "I didn't do it" because then the teacher will be all like "You had a week to do it and whole class periods, what were you doing?" and I hate this.

----------


## Fallen18

Like a idiot in the beginning of the year I signed up for "writing lab" 3rd and 4th quarter thinking it would be a chill class unaware of the fact that every week we would constantly be getting into groups discussing what we have written and than actually having to present them in front of the class EVERY. WEEK. And my counseler made up some BS story as to why I "couldn't drop the class" meanwhile it's a elective and my schedule is full. Imijubhbiminhvgvbu!!

----------


## James

Feeling very much alone. I'm pretty sure that if I disappeared tonight no one would notice. Life would go on, no one would miss a beat.  I really wonder sometimes why I bother to stick around.

----------


## Koalafan

I feel like a total douche. When I was in the school cafe I accidentally bumped into a girl that made her chicken wrap fall to the floor and instead of saying Im sorry like a normal person and helping her out I just stood there awkwardly for a minute and then left. Thank you social anxiety for another awkward encounter in my life! =/

----------


## kc1895

Fallen18, I know group discussion + class presentations = ninth circle of hell
im feelin for you  ::(:  on the bright side, your other bad school experiences should be better compared to that.

----------


## kc1895

> I feel like a total douche. When I was in the school cafe I accidentally bumped into a girl that made her chicken wrap fall to the floor and instead of saying Im sorry like a normal person and helping her out I just stood there awkwardly for a minute and then left. Thank you social anxiety for another awkward encounter in my life! =/



bad koala!  :bopa:  lol im sorry but that made me laugh. SA can make us do some crazy things.

----------


## Fallen18

^^They really are this class is going to kill me  :hide:

----------


## Arthur Dent

I'm chatting with several people right now, and still feeling very lonely. First (and I _really_ hope last) time it happens  ::(:

----------


## Koalafan

I feel like Im on the verge on a breakdown

----------


## Antidote

Sometimes I can't believe I'm human, and how alien and despicable humans seem to me.

----------


## Otherside

Not just that place then...

Attachment 1122

----------


## Monotony

I'm out of doctor  pepper and it's Friday >.<  ::

----------


## Otherside

> I'm out of doctor  pepper and it's Friday >.<



Here you go!


I'm out of Coca Cola. Somebody drank the rest of it. I was looking forward to drinking it. When I find out who finished it...not happy.  ::

----------


## WintersTale

My mom is depressed, and I don't know how to make her feel better.

----------


## SmileyFace

a bit anxious...worried, etc. not too bad... it's manageable, but it's still rather annoying.

----------


## Monotony

> Here you go!
> I'm out of Coca Cola. Somebody drank the rest of it. I was looking forward to drinking it. When I find out who finished it...not happy.



>.< I'm suffering withdrawal I need sugar my body runs on sugar I cant brain without sugar  :argh:

----------


## Teddy

> Feeling very much alone. I'm pretty sure that if I disappeared tonight no one would notice. Life would go on, no one would miss a beat.  I really wonder sometimes why I bother to stick around.



 :Hug: 

Teddy would notice  ::(:

----------


## WintersTale

My eyes are burning and red and puffy, and I don't know what I did to them?

----------


## mooncake

I have a job interview tomorrow, and I'm terrified.  :shake:

----------


## Ont Mon

> I have a job interview tomorrow, and I'm terrified.



Good luck!  ::

----------


## mooncake

> Good luck!



Thank you!  ::):

----------


## Monotony

Zit's zits all over the back of my damn shoulders  :damn kids:

----------


## JustGaara

> I have a job interview tomorrow, and I'm terrified.



Best of luck tomorrow!

----------


## Lost Control Again

recent visitors - has that been turned off?

----------


## Arthur Dent

Impatience, hopelessness, low self esteem.

----------


## WintersTale

Stomach is upset ugh! And I have to be at the college all day today.

----------


## Antidote

Appalling visit to a vocational counselor who patronised me for an hour, and kept suggesting I may have SA due to having been possibly ''sexually interfered with''. I haven't, I think I'd know. If she asked once, then fine. But she kept bringing it up and watching me. GD, this woman is ignorant. I bet she's never picked up an article in her life on the etiology of SA. I feel kind of disgusted and tainted now from her treatment.

----------


## claire74

anxious - always feel like this when my boss is in at work, hope he's out for the afternoon or I'm hiding in the basement.

----------


## kc1895

> Appalling visit to a vocational counselor who patronised me for an hour, and kept suggesting I may have SA due to having been possibly ''sexually interfered with''. I haven't, I think I'd know. If she asked once, then fine. But she kept bringing it up and watching me. GD, this woman is ignorant. I bet she's never picked up an article in her life on the etiology of SA. I feel kind of disgusted and tainted now from her treatment.



wow, I'm with you on that one. What an ignorant thing to say.  it's not even any of her business, shes not your therapist.

----------


## SmileyFace

feeling ignored these past few days..

----------


## claire74

> feeling ignored these past few days..



sorry you feel like this grumpycat, not a nice feeling.

----------


## Koalafan

Just got dropped from my writing lab which means I am one credit hour short of graduating, isnt life awesome???

----------


## L

Passport out of date and I a, flying to London on Friday fml

----------


## compulsive

Improving. But seriously worried that its too late to make it. Also pretty sure I have an auditory processing disorder. I have had bad hearing countless number of times because I hear ie "bat" instead of "hat" which confuses my brain. Then I cant understand what someone is saying because its not what I expect. Also I really cant understand what anyone is saying when everyone is talking at once. But I of course still hear the jumbled mess of sounds.

----------


## Monotony

Really bad acne that refuses to go away, especially along my jaw  :hit wall:

----------


## Sagan

The fact that I don't have a time machine. I want a fucking time machine!! Is that too much to ask???

----------


## Arthur Dent

Myself.

----------


## L

So tomorrow I need to go to that passport office and tell them I need an emergency passport to travail to London on Friday - This is going to test my anxiety, I could hardly go to the Garda station to get the form signed

----------


## SmileyFace

Feeling rather used lately... well I always do, but the feelings are esp ehhh these past few days.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Waiting for someone to respond (again). It's been so long I don't even remember what the email was about. Also kinda wondering if they still give an eff about me at all for this reason, or if I'm just the last resort friend when there's nobody else to talk to.  ::\: 
I don't understand.

----------


## Coffee

hate it when you're writing an essay and you're almost done and then you realise it's all [BEEP] and illogical and unclear and you're probably going to fail and so you have to change it all around.

----------


## L

This is the worst anxiety iv had in ages, goes to throw up

----------


## Anteros

> This is the worst anxiety iv had in ages, goes to throw up



 :Hug:   I hope whatever it is that's causing it passes quickly.

----------


## claire74

worried, my nan is very ill in hospital  ::(:

----------


## Ont Mon

> worried, my nan is very ill in hospital



 :Hug:  Hope she gets better!

----------


## WintersTale

I don't feel like going to class tonight, but I have to. I just feel like sleeping.

----------


## L

> I hope whatever it is that's causing it passes quickly.



Thanks - the direct situation is now over but so much more to follow - I am all over the place!

----------


## whiteman

I still haven't figured out why someone would get on an SA site who doesn't have SA and make a snide remark about someones SA. I had a right to be angry.

----------


## WintersTale

How sexist misogynistic pigs can get married and have babies, and I'm here all alone, all because I am quiet and socially anxious.

----------


## SmileyFace

really, really close friend of mine seems sad or something all of a sudden... and they haven't been all that talkative and such for the past few days. It's really worrying me  ::\:  sent them a text earlier today to ask what's up since I saw them on campus for a lil bit and they looked rather down, but they never replied  ::(:

----------


## James

I'm tired. I don't mean just phsyically tired. I mean I'm *tired*.

There's a huge part of me that wants to go to sleep and never wake up again.

----------


## Otherside

Instantly regret going back onto _that_ place. I suppose this may have been a bit overboard, but what the hell. They can ban me or whatever. I took a screenshot of the report so I can laugh the heck away and know they got the message. Wonder if they'll ignore me because I said "the site has no sense" and "no decent mods" left???

----------


## L

I need rest from this anxiety - when it passes from situation something else comes up - I didn't throw up the last day, I might shortly.

----------


## Monotony

Tomorrows going to be stressful  :Mega Shock:

----------


## kc1895

> How sexist misogynistic pigs can get married and have babies, and I'm here all alone, all because I am quiet and socially anxious.



 :Hug:   :Heart:

----------


## takethebiscuit

> really, really close friend of mine seems sad or something all of a sudden... and they haven't been all that talkative and such for the past few days. It's really worrying me  sent them a text earlier today to ask what's up since I saw them on campus for a lil bit and they looked rather down, but they never replied



Understandable that it's really worrying you. That shows you care. Your really, really close friend may be overwhelmed by something going on in their life or feel they should be able to handle it by themselves. Or anything could be going on. You've sent a text to see if they are okay so they know you care. They may just need time to work out how to proceed and solve their problem.

----------


## billius

So tired and so scared, always so tired and scared. So many whys. I think I might be broken

----------


## James

You know it's not the fact that I will die miserable and all alone that bothers me...I've more or less come to accept that it's just going to happen.

What bugs at me is how long it might take.

It could very well take years, and years.

I don't know if I can wait that long.

----------


## Misssy

I will be starting a new minimum wage job for the summer in an area that isn't very much fun. So I am not very happy about that really. I mean if I have to work a crap job at least it should be somewhere I want to be. Any who. I am stressed out yes. Stress is a sign that something is going wrong. For sure. I mean it's not just MY anxiety...it is partly my anxiety but stress is a sign to me....that I feel out of control, that I am making the wrong decisions. etc. ....lets see here comes my weirdo relatives....a-holes. Breathe.....it is sunny outside it is really a nice day, but I have so much on my mind, it's like I can't get away, I don't even have a car. I am still sitting on my butt I need to take a shower. I am just so drained right now. Living with alcoholic relatives....I guess I can try not to respond to them. So couple of nights ago my mother was drinking and started arguing with me then she called her husband over to yell at me....because I was defending myself.....I really hate her. ...................   then the next night she was sitting in the same seat with more wine and she tried to start the same routine all over again....and I said, we already had this exact argument yesterday. ....it's a pattern of behavior that I have experienced from my mother my whole life....the pattern never changes.........they are ASSHOLES.............I am feeling very aimless.

----------


## takethebiscuit

> I will be starting a new minimum wage job for the summer in an area that isn't very much fun. So I am not very happy about that really. I mean if I have to work a crap job at least it should be somewhere I want to be. Any who. I am stressed out yes. Stress is a sign that something is going wrong. For sure. I mean it's not just MY anxiety...it is partly my anxiety but stress is a sign to me....that I feel out of control, that I am making the wrong decisions. etc. ....lets see here comes my weirdo relatives....a-holes. Breathe.....it is sunny outside it is really a nice day, but I have so much on my mind, it's like I can't get away, I don't even have a car. I am still sitting on my butt I need to take a shower. I am just so drained right now. Living with alcoholic relatives....I guess I can try not to respond to them. So couple of nights ago my mother was drinking and started arguing with me then she called her husband over to yell at me....because I was defending myself.....I really hate her. ...................   then the next night she was sitting in the same seat with more wine and she tried to start the same routine all over again....and I said, we already had this exact argument yesterday. ....it's a pattern of behavior that I have experienced from my mother my whole life....the pattern never changes.........they are ASSHOLES.............I am feeling very aimless.



With all that going on it's now wonder you've been feeling stressed. Being stressed is a sign, yes. But not necessarily a sign that anything is wrong. Be kind to yourself. Perhaps take a bit of time for yourself to do something you enjoy. I know what it's like to be stressed. I don't know what your situation is like but I do trust that you're someone capable of dealing with a lot of things. So be kind to yourself.

----------


## SmileyFace

havent heard from my friend for a week now.. *sigh*

----------


## Chopin12

everyone randomly quits talking to me. I dont know if its normal or if Im saying the wrong things. It makes me feel like in every conversation making one mistake ruins everything.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I don't even know what to do with myself today. Depressed and I don't know why. I have plenty of reasons to be depressed, but it just sorta came out of nowhere. My day was going fine. Now all I want to do is sleep. Nothing else tends to help. Sleep until ya feel better, or at least good enough to roll out of bed. I want so badly to be somebody else. I can't tell if I have built up emotions or my mind blows things out of proportion. Or both. Either way, it'll be an early night for me. I am so sick of feeling shitty.

----------


## Arthur Dent

I don't know what's worst, if being so clingy or feeling so guilty about it.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

My mom just told me she can't sleep because she is so worried about me...  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

> My mom just told me she can't sleep because she is so worried about me...



Yeah, my parents told me that too a while ago. Now I just feel guilty.

----------


## L

came home from London. Missed my bus. Car is playing up. Have to get it to a garage. get another assignment. not slept in 27 hours. Was meant to see my boyfriend tonight but no car.

----------


## Coffee

get out
of my mind

----------


## Otherside

> get out
> of my mind



Are you allright?

Probably a stupid question since you're on this thread.

----------


## Otherside

Day nine on Prozac and Im agitated as hell, just like I was on Celexa. Some kid was staring at me today and I lashed out before I could stop myself, screaming "What the [BEEP] do you think you're looking at, [BEEP]?" Not me. I generally don't say that to adults, let alone kids. Everything seems all the more vivid and real today and louder, thoughts are beginning to scream at me again. I'm depressed as heck again and I'm still waiting for CMHT to call me back. Nobody to talk to right now, MIND sessions have finished and psychology can't do anything until I get through the waiting list...

Why can one pill not fucking work?!?!?

----------


## Monotony

I can talk to her fine via email but my mind blanks on me in person =/ Maybe it's because there's other people around.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

My space heater broke and it is freeeeezing.

----------


## claire74

confused, why cant I get some straight, honest answers, I'm now ready to hear them even if I wont like them, its better than going round and round in circles

----------


## mightypillow

I hate reading specifications, because they make me feel stupid. Every few times I'll find a word and have to look up the definition. Then, that definition will have another word I've never heard of. And, this cycle continues. Sometimes I'll even get a word I tried defined earlier in a later definition. Screw this.

----------


## Marleywhite

I received 4 shots yesterday and been having a fever ever since  ::(:

----------


## Koalafan

Holy bejebus! Its never a good thing when its MY responsibility to actually take charge and create most of the material for our group project because everyone else is too lazy too =/

----------


## Monotony

I have to get up in 5 hours to go get my doctor to fill out an ODSP form at 8 which will take around 2 hours then go to school come home for a little while and then go back to school. And all I've had is 3 hours of sleep because either the Mc Donalds I had earlier or the kraft dinner decided to give me bad cramps and wake me up at 1 In the morning to spend my night in the wash room.  :argue:

----------


## SmileyFace

Hate it when someone relies on me way way way way too much for help on every damn thing all the damn time.

And when you need help? You don't get it in return.

----------


## Leary

sometimes I feel like I may as well be dead. no one ever acknowledges me when I need someone to talk to. I feel like I give and get nothing back. 

/melodrama

----------


## Leary

> Hate it when someone relies on me way way way way too much for help on every damn thing all the damn time.
> 
> And when you need help? You don't get it in return.



Ha. I didn't even see this post before I posted the exaaaaact same thing right below it.

*offers you a fist bump*

people are just lame that way.

----------


## SmileyFace

> Ha. I didn't even see this post before I posted the exaaaaact same thing right below it.
> 
> *offers you a fist bump*
> 
> people are just lame that way.



Glad I'm not the only one... but either way -- it really sucks to be in our position  ::\:

----------


## Air Caterpillar

My neck is unbelievably sore

----------


## Equinox

Too much anxiety today, I loathe driving more and more lately.

----------


## VickieKitties

> Too much anxiety today, I loathe driving more and more lately.



I'm super scared of driving!  How does anybody do it?  You must be brave to do it in the first place, keep it up!  ::):

----------


## L

Right now is a moment I wish I had told my boyfriend about how my moods drops easily. Some situations really effect me and bring me close to tears for reasons and no real reasons. I really want a cuddle  ::(:

----------


## Misssy

After feeling my hair, it feels thinner and I think even looks thinner. It fell out after staying over at my mother's house.  ::(:

----------


## Equinox

> I'm super scared of driving!  How does anybody do it?  You must be brave to do it in the first place, keep it up!



I'm not sure how I do it lol, I think I drive way less than I used too though, I avoid peak hour congestion like the plague!

----------


## VickieKitties

Peak congestion must be the worst!  Do you live in a big city?  My city isn't too big, but I still think I'll have to move to a smaller town before attempting to learn to drive. :/

----------


## L

feeling sickly and lost

----------


## Air Caterpillar

so lonely  ::(:

----------


## whiteman

> I'm not sure how I do it lol, I think I drive way less than I used too though, I avoid peak hour congestion like the plague!



Fortunately, I live in the country. I have no problem driving in the country. Freeways and big cities, on the other hand, freak me out. I can do it, but not that well.

----------


## GunnyHighway

That feeling of wanting to give up. There's nothing worse in this world than that feeling.

----------


## Equinox

> Peak congestion must be the worst!  Do you live in a big city?  My city isn't too big, but I still think I'll have to move to a smaller town before attempting to learn to drive. :/



Yeah about 2 million people in my city, though I guess that's nothing compared to new york.

----------


## WintersTale

> 



I was talking about my professor...but hopefully he won't fail me, and I won't ever have to see him again. 

What's bothering me right now? Those of you that are on my Facebook probably saw that I posted a status about taking a tumble...I fell over an amp cord and hit the side of my head against a wood table edge before landing pretty hard on a carpet floor. My left hand hurts like hell, and my cheek got cut up pretty badly...but I think I'm okay.

----------


## Monotony

I'm hungry and thirsty but there's a bunch of random neighbours and other people downstairs. gtfo of my house god damn it so I can eat  :damn kids:

----------


## Adrift

goddamn headache, again. it's got to be due to my inconsistent xanax usage. I took a lot during the past week and now am in withdrawal.

----------


## Sagan

Yes. Rude assholes on another science forum.

----------


## Anteros

> Yeah about 2 million people in my city, though I guess that's nothing compared to new york.



Holy crap, that's twice the population of my state! 

Yeah, city-driving gives me anxiety too.   I live about an hour from Boston, which has some of the most congested driving in the US - and I absolutely refuse to drive there.  I would get in an accident for sure!

----------


## Coffee

This assignment makes no sense, man. It's supposed to be easier than an essay but it isn't because the structure is ALL OVER THE PLACE and for some reason I'm suddenly allowed to use first person BUT ONLY in the first part of the assignment.

----------


## Equinox

> Holy crap, that's twice the population of my state! 
> 
> Yeah, city-driving gives me anxiety too.   I live about an hour from Boston, which has some of the most congested driving in the US - and I absolutely refuse to drive there.  I would get in an accident for sure!



It's even worse on heavy rain/thunderstorm days such as today, roads are slippery, visibility is poor, ergh!

----------


## falling down

that i can't be on sas

----------


## Otherside

Seems that my friend has turned against me, is refusing to tell me what the heck someone else said, and is avoding things. What does she think I am, an idiot?! No, I'm not in the mood for this BS. I wanna know what was said.

Great, something else to be paranoid about,,,  :hide:

----------


## WintersTale

My head is ping ponging back and forth. I am so tired of depression and feeling this way.

----------


## GunnyHighway

April fool's day is gonna be hell. A day of complete uncertainty. Already nearly stopped my heart once and it's been less than an hour since April 1st.

----------


## Coffee

wtf is wrong with me. I'm completely off my game and anxiety is just weirdly high with no real trigger. i'm doubting every decision i've made in the last few months and beating myself up about things that MIGHT NOT even exist.

----------


## compulsive

ugh the stuff I have to do tomorrow is so anxiety inducing.  ::(:

----------


## Antidote

People sucking up to each other makes me want to barf.

----------


## L

> People sucking up to each other makes me want to barf.



Ugh this goes on at work all the time and it makes me sick!

----------


## L

Very sick tummy today and meant to be going for a few drinks with my parents and boyfriend tonight  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

I feel like going on a rant and I can't think of a better place to put it, so...

What is with this problem with Windows 8??? It is not that hard to use, I mean, jeez, it's not rocket science. You move the "apps" (Although I have to admit that is stupid) that you don't want to the end of the start screen and put the ones you do at the start. You click the desktop button to get to the desktop, or just press the windows key. There's no start button but if you drag your mouse right where the start button would be on an XP/7 then something comes up, and you get the start screen instead of a menu with all the programmes listed. You click on a program to start it. Simple...

Half the apps are stupid, yes. That's why I don't use them, because I don't see anything that I couldn't do with Chrome, and so therefore, it's pointless. I also don't see why I'd want angrybirds or temple run on my computer. I really don't get Windows RT at all. Why would I buy something that means I can't get programmes for anywhere but the app store???

Also, the reason I scan every single program and file I download is cos I downloaded some program called JZip. Looked legit, was on a website called CNet, which I thought was pretty legit. End up with a redirect virus that changes my homepage to search.jzip that sends me to pages filled to the brim with malware, spyware, virus's. When my computer stopped functioning, I scanned it and found 28 virus's...and no less than that. Even when I took jzip off, I was still having problems with it. I couldn't find out what was allowing my computer to keep getting virus's and windows defender was useless. So hell, never downloading anything again without scanning it through a decent antivirus program. And checking it myself. Despite how I come across to people, I'm actaully quite good with computers. I know what all the things mean, and I know what they do. I'm not so great at code, actually, I'm crap, I don't know a thing! But heck, we'll work it out. 

So yer...rant over, I just felt like venting.

----------


## L

> I feel like going on a rant and I can't think of a better place to put it, so...
> 
> What is with this problem with Windows 8??? It is not that hard to use, I mean, jeez, it's not rocket science. You move the "apps" (Although I have to admit that is stupid) that you don't want to the end of the start screen and put the ones you do at the start. You click the desktop button to get to the desktop, or just press the windows key. There's no start button but if you drag your mouse right where the start button would be on an XP/7 then something comes up, and you get the start screen instead of a menu with all the programmes listed. You click on a program to start it. Simple...
> 
> Half the apps are stupid, yes. That's why I don't use them, because I don't see anything that I couldn't do with Chrome, and so therefore, it's pointless. I also don't see why I'd want angrybirds or temple run on my computer. I really don't get Windows RT at all. Why would I buy something that means I can't get programmes for anywhere but the app store???
> 
> Also, the reason I scan every single program and file I download is cos I downloaded some program called JZip. Looked legit, was on a website called CNet, which I thought was pretty legit. End up with a redirect virus that changes my homepage to search.jzip that sends me to pages filled to the brim with malware, spyware, virus's. When my computer stopped functioning, I scanned it and found 28 virus's...and no less than that. Even when I took jzip off, I was still having problems with it. I couldn't find out what was allowing my computer to keep getting virus's and windows defender was useless. So hell, never downloading anything again without scanning it through a decent antivirus program. And checking it myself. Despite how I come across to people, I'm actaully quite good with computers. I know what all the things mean, and I know what they do. I'm not so great at code, actually, I'm crap, I don't know a thing! But heck, we'll work it out. 
> 
> So yer...rant over, I just felt like venting.



Hey - I know I don't get the deal with windows 8 being annoying or anything. At first I didn't want to get it but I think it looks fun and it really easy to use. I have everything I use daily pinned to the bar on my desktop and I don't use the aps as they are annoying - so for me it is pretty much the same as normal windows but it starts up so so so much faster which I LOVE

----------


## Arthur Dent

Loneliness and bad memories.

----------


## Koalafan

My room mate has friends over which means time to hide until they disappear =/

----------


## Otherside

Where did I put the remote for the stereo system...?

Pet annoyances. =/

----------


## Air Caterpillar

My phone is broken, and my contacts didn't transfer from that phone to this temporary phone  ::(:  why am I so upset about a phone... Almost cried, sheesh. I've always been too obsessed with my cell phones.

----------


## James

I'm like, very worried about the future....I mean about everything.  I've never felt so out-of-control in my entire life.  I don't know where I'm going to be, or who I'm going to be, a few months from now.  Or even one month from now.

----------


## Monotony

Cant sleep and I have test I'm going to fail in the morning  :Mega Shock:

----------


## compulsive

When I think its 7.30/8 and suddenly realize its past 10... :O_O:

----------


## Koalafan

I feel like Im stuck in a never ending hell that's never going to fucking stop

----------


## compulsive

I cant even understand myself, while it seems like everyone else knows why they feel certain ways or even just knows their actual feelings. I cant even solve the puzzle, its quite sad really. 

Also I feel bad for forcing a person irl to read something so bad and having disappointed them again.

----------


## Chopin12

are you writing or you talking about this post?

----------


## compulsive

> are you writing or you talking about this post?



no irl means in real life :b

----------


## Chopin12

haha yeaa.. i thought u meant they were reading something though

----------


## compulsive

> haha yeaa.. i thought u meant they were reading something though



im keeping it vague cause im paranoid, so it wont make much sense  :XD:

----------


## Chopin12

lol xD well  i hope whatever youre writing is good!

----------


## Antidote

I need to stop eating all over my damn laptop.

----------


## L

Another assignment to get started and my research is all over the place - I need a shower

----------


## Otherside

> Another assignment to get started and my research is all over the place - I need a shower



Dude, tell me about it, I'm there too. So many college assignments...so little time to do them in...  :drawing: 

I should actually be doing them instead of looking at the internet aimlessly. Thanks for your post, you prompted me to get back to them.

----------


## L

> Dude, tell me about it, I'm there too. So many college assignments...



I wouldn't mind but I started this one months ago to be told it was all wrong and had to start again - due date MONDAY but I got an extension! Another assignment to get done by the 26th and exams - I am banning myself from here!

----------


## Otherside

> I wouldn't mind but I started this one months ago to be told it was all wrong and had to start again - due date MONDAY but I got an extension! Another assignment to get done by the 26th and exams - I am banning myself from here!



I have two weeks, but since I'm going on holiday with the family next week, I'm gonna make an effort to NOT have to do work on holiday. Which means get this thing done...

Good luck with your exams.  ::):

----------


## creasy

One thing, a fucking important person didn't show up so I have to sit here yet another night feeling like shit, and UPS fails to deliver my goddamn headphone just because I'm at work. LEAVE IT ON THE DOORSTEP YOU FUCKING IDIOTS I don't care no one is going to steal the shit. Everything...it sounds so petty, but I'm really in a fucking bad mood right now. I just wanna beat every single person I see to death.

----------


## Anteros

I have an obligatory continuing education seminar that's going to last the whole weekend.   12 hours of blah, blah, blah on stuff that I already know.

----------


## Misssy

> I feel like Im stuck in a never ending hell that's never going to fucking stop



yeah pretty much I agree.....it is hell

----------


## James

My ex refuses, flat-out REFUSES to give me a divorce.  God, as much as the woman claims to hate my guts, you'd think that she would be more than happy to.  But no.

I'm paying for it.  I've printed out the papers.  I've explained them to her, paragraph by paragraph, line by line.  All I want is a divorce.  I don't want any of the property (which I'm entitled to).  I don't even want joint custody of the children (which I'm entitled to).

I. just. want. a. fucking. divorce.

I hate the woman and I don't want to be married to her.  Is that so hard to understand?  Is that too much to ask for????  I guess so, because now I'm going to have to get ugly, and pay more money to an attorney, to file anyway, without her cooperation.

It's like I can't wait for the day when I no longer have to even think about her.

And all she wants to do is hang on.  I don't get it.  I don't know what she's hanging on to, there's nothing there.  I ask her why she's doing this, and she comes up with a different excuse every time.  First it was the money.  Then she didn't have the time to read through the papers.  Then she accused me of trying to [BEEP] her over in the divorce papers.  Then she goes off-topic, changes the subject, and tells me how badly I'm treating her.

I'm sorry, but we're not together anymore.  Hello?!?!?!  You decided you thought it would be fun to pretend like you were 16 again, and go fucking other 16 year olds, and come home from the bar every night at 3:00 in the morning.

I left you.  It's over.  Wake up.  If you're not happy with the life you've chosen, I can't help you now sweetheart.  Fucking wake up!  Snap out of it!

----------


## compulsive

Drowning in school work..

----------


## Monotony

> *snips*



Sounds almost exactly like my mother  ::

----------


## James

> Sounds almost exactly like my mother



Sorry.  I really wouldn't wish that on anyone.

----------


## Anteros

> Yeah, city-driving gives me anxiety too.   I live about an hour from Boston, which has some of the most congested driving in the US - and I absolutely refuse to drive there.  I would get in an accident for sure!



I SO jinxed myself with this comment.  I ended up having to attend a continuing ed seminar for my job in a suburb of Boston today, and I almost got in an accident 3 times.  It's just crazy down there!!!!!   The worst roads, construction everywhere, pebbles flying at my windshield, accidents EVERYWHERE, cops pulling people over left and right, stop and go, exit ramps that throw you right into the middle of the highway, tailgating, people playing chickin!  Oh ye gods!!!!!!  I nearly had a heart attack on the way home tonight!

And to make matters worse, I have to go back tomorrow, bright and early.   My only saving grace is that it's Sunday, so there *should* be a lot less traffic.  I'm not worried about the morning, it's the afternoon, when I get out that I'm terrified of.   If you guys don't hear from me in a week, then odds are, I'll be bandaged up in a hospital somewhere, lol!   Give me country living any day!!!!!  






> It's even worse on heavy rain/thunderstorm days such as today, roads are slippery, visibility is poor, ergh!



I HATE driving in the rain, too!   I'm so glad it's going to be sunny tomorrow!!!!

----------


## Chantellabella

> I SO jinxed myself with this comment.  I ended up having to attend a continuing ed seminar for my job in a suburb of Boston today, and I almost got in an accident 3 times.  It's just crazy down there!!!!!   The worst roads, construction everywhere, pebbles flying at my windshield, accidents EVERYWHERE, cops pulling people over left and right, stop and go, exit ramps that throw you right into the middle of the highway, tailgating, people playing chickin!  Oh ye gods!!!!!!  I nearly had a heart attack on the way home tonight!
> 
> And to make matters worse, I have to go back tomorrow, bright and early.   My only saving grace is that it's Sunday, so there *should* be a lot less traffic.  I'm not worried about the morning, it's the afternoon, when I get out that I'm terrified of.   If you guys don't hear from me in a week, then odds are, I'll be bandaged up in a hospital somewhere, lol!   Give me country living any day!!!!!  
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I HATE driving in the rain, too!   I'm so glad it's going to be sunny tomorrow!!!!



We'll definitely send out a search party.

----------


## Meadowlark

I hate what I am becoming.

----------


## WineKitty

I had a "friend" I have known for years and confided several things in get mad at me for no apparent reason, delete and block me on FB and won't answer texts.  So much for friendship.  If you are going to turn your back on someone you should at least tell them why.  I have gone over and over the conversations which are saved in my FB messages and cannot figure it out.  People suck, this is just further proof.

----------


## Equinox

> I SO jinxed myself with this comment.  I ended up having to attend a continuing ed seminar for my job in a suburb of Boston today, and I almost got in an accident 3 times.  It's just crazy down there!!!!!   The worst roads, construction everywhere, pebbles flying at my windshield, accidents EVERYWHERE, cops pulling people over left and right, stop and go, exit ramps that throw you right into the middle of the highway, tailgating, people playing chickin!  Oh ye gods!!!!!!  I nearly had a heart attack on the way home tonight!
> 
> And to make matters worse, I have to go back tomorrow, bright and early.   My only saving grace is that it's Sunday, so there *should* be a lot less traffic.  I'm not worried about the morning, it's the afternoon, when I get out that I'm terrified of.   If you guys don't hear from me in a week, then odds are, I'll be bandaged up in a hospital somewhere, lol!   Give me country living any day!!!!!  
> 
> I HATE driving in the rain, too!   I'm so glad it's going to be sunny tomorrow!!!!



That sucks  ::(:  Damn city driving with all the congestion and confusing/poor roads! Hopefully you atleast have a decent GPS system in your car, I don't even have one of those lol. 
Does the US have highspeed rail (like the europeans have) yet? That would make getting to a city an hour away more convenient!

----------


## Otherside

SAS mod posted on my blog? Are you kidding me? The SAS mods decided to follow me over here and see what I was posting?! Am I being spied on or what? Okay, so I asked _why_ I'd recieved a message telling me I was spamming, and my Otherside account had been banned so I used a proxy to post and ask (Not that I made any point of hiding it, I even admitted it was me, so yeah...) but still, why did they come over here and see what I'm posting. Now I just feel paranoid!

Ugh, thank god Joker  banned him.

(Seriously though, if you are from SAS, I'd appreciate it if you DIDN'T check up on what I'm posting on here. Seriously, just cos I have a ban over there doesn't give you the right to see what I'm posting ON ANOTHER SITE!!! Even if it is a, what you called a "rival site".)

----------


## compulsive

ugh. Just ruined another assignment. I had to finish poorly because I wasnt going to make it right anyway.

----------


## SmileyFace

I've got SO MUCH homework to deal with right now, and a buttload of people who always ask for help on every damn thing that they could easily figure out themselves have been bugging me like crazy, demanding a piece of my time.

Uh no, not going to happen.

----------


## life

> Mod from SAS  posted on my blog? Are you kidding me? The SAS mods decided to follow me over here and see what I was posting?! Am I being spied on or what? Okay, so I asked _why_ I'd recieved a message telling me I was spamming, and my Otherside account had been banned so I used a proxy to post and ask (Not that I made any point of hiding it, I even admitted it was me, so yeah...) but still, why did they come over here and see what I'm posting. Now I just feel paranoid!
> 
> Ugh, thank god Joker  banned him.
> 
> (Seriously though, if you are from SAS, I'd appreciate it if you DIDN'T check up on what I'm posting on here. Seriously, just cos I have a ban over there doesn't give you the right to see what I'm posting ON ANOTHER SITE!!! Even if it is a, what you called a "rival site".)



  seriously= that's scarey

----------


## Frogger

> SAS mod posted on my blog? Are you kidding me? The SAS mods decided to follow me over here and see what I was posting?! Am I being spied on or what? Okay, so I asked _why_ I'd recieved a message telling me I was spamming, and my Otherside account had been banned so I used a proxy to post and ask (Not that I made any point of hiding it, I even admitted it was me, so yeah...) but still, why did they come over here and see what I'm posting. Now I just feel paranoid!
> 
> Ugh, thank god Joker  banned him.
> 
> (Seriously though, if you are from SAS, I'd appreciate it if you DIDN'T check up on what I'm posting on here. Seriously, just cos I have a ban over there doesn't give you the right to see what I'm posting ON ANOTHER SITE!!! Even if it is a, what you called a "rival site".)



Why do they call it a  "rivery site". i have 0 use for SAS because I don't have Social Anxiety Disorder. This isn't a Social Anxiety Forum but range of anxiety and mental health forum.  i dont think they like others need more support for more then Social anxiety which is sad.

----------


## Otherside

> seriously= that's scarey



Yeah, it is. And I do not like the mods over there deciding to ban me, and then thinking it's okay to post why they did it in my blog.





> Why do they call it a  "rivery site". i have 0 use for SAS because I don't have Social Anxiety Disorder. This isn't a Social Anxiety Forum but range of anxiety and mental health forum.  i dont think they like others need more support for more then Social anxiety which is sad.



I dunno, that's what I'm banned for..."promoting a rivalry site." Okay, so I know about the whole mod changes and the olds mods pissing the admins off by helping creating this place and all...but seriously???

And since my main problem ATM isn't Social anxiety, more Panic Disorder and depression, I prefer to use this place.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

I want to crawl in a hole and die  ::(:  Everything is awful

----------


## L

I got several calls from people looking for advise on an assignment due tomorrow....thing is mine is not due tomorrow as I made such a balls of it, when I handed up a draft I was told to start again. BUT I never told anyone.....

----------


## creasy

I'm totally turned off of people again for what are probably stupid reasons. A few weeks ago I was naive enough to believe if I just starting talking to people that it'd all go nice and smooth and I'd make some friends. Yeah, it's not that easy, I guess...but why not? I really don't understand what it takes for someone to like me...or anyone for that matter. 

I'm down in the shithole of hopeless and heartless thinking again. [BEEP] everyone on earth besides me. I don't even care anymore. 

I think I'll start drinking again. It's better than nothing.

----------


## kc1895

> I want to crawl in a hole and die  Everything is awful



 :Hug:  Cheer up butterfly.

----------


## Chantellabella

Every once in awhile, my friend count goes down. I have to wonder what I said or did. I wish when people decided to hit that "I don't want to be your friend" button, they would at least leave a note to say why. I realize that it's probably not even about me and they just wanted to leave the forum or something. I just tend to immediately blame myself in situations like that. 

I suppose I should stop taking the blame for other people's behavior. 

Hm. Maybe that's the part that has me bothered. 

Dunno.

----------


## James

I'm locked out of my apartment.  Again.  My roommate has another, different girl over.  Again.

Hrmmmmm....
I dunno what bothers me more:

* that he has a different girl over almost every night...he has girls fighting over him....seriously
* the fact that he makes it seem so easy.  Effortless, really. 
 * he complains about having to choose which woman he's going to be with.  He acts like it's such a pain to be wanted by all these women
* the fact that I may die alone. Yeah, it's looking very likely that I'll never have another girlfriend again.  As in never.

God I would give anything to be him FOR ONE DAY

FOR ONE 24 HOUR PERIOD....I WOULD SELL MY SOUL....

GRRRRRRRRRRR....SOMEBODY JUST SHOOT ME ALREADY

----------


## WineKitty

> SAS mod posted on my blog? Are you kidding me? The SAS mods decided to follow me over here and see what I was posting?! Am I being spied on or what? Okay, so I asked why I'd recieved a message telling me I was spamming, and my Otherside account had been banned so I used a proxy to post and ask (Not that I made any point of hiding it, I even admitted it was me, so yeah...) but still, why did they come over here and see what I'm posting. Now I just feel paranoid!
> 
> Ugh, thank god Joker banned him.
> 
> (Seriously though, if you are from SAS, I'd appreciate it if you DIDN'T check up on what I'm posting on here. Seriously, just cos I have a ban over there doesn't give you the right to see what I'm posting ON ANOTHER SITE!!! Even if it is a, what you called a "rival site".)



A mod or the admin?  Either way, weak, uncalled for, and lame.  Glad they were banned. > ::(:

----------


## compulsive

I made an improvement today i think. However i still have stuff tomorrow I'm worried about. Ugh I hate myself for not doing things right an obsessing over assignments causing me to lose time for other things I should be doing. The whole if I could turn back time? yeah ive got it bad. 

Also  I wanted  ::'(: .

----------


## Otherside

@winekitty cos I can't seem to quote you, it was a mod, and I'm really not okay with them commenting on my stuff here telling me why I was banned , or deciding they're gonna check out what I'm posting here the day I was banned. I'm gonna ban myself for good when the bans up, can't believe ill have to ask them NOT to comment on my stuff here.

----------


## Antidote

The idea of doing a Master's degree makes me want to blow my brains out.

----------


## Anteros

> We'll definitely send out a search party.



I survived, thanks to other drivers avoiding me!   Yes, Boston is glad to be rid of me and my "granny driving."  ::D: 





> That sucks  Damn city driving with all the congestion and confusing/poor roads! Hopefully you atleast have a decent GPS system in your car, I don't even have one of those lol.



Nope, I don't have a fancy phone with GPS.  I have the bare minimum when it comes to cellphones, because the reception is so bad where I live (the boonies), my phone sometimes freezes up! And I can't see spending more for extra services, or even getting a separate device, as I rarely go anywhere new. I ended up printing the directions from Google maps.  I also brought an old-school map as a back up. 

The second day wasn't that bad, though - it being a Sunday, the amount of congestion was down to "busy" by country standards.  At least I didn't have to deal with any accidents taking up several lanes, or bumper to bumper!  





> Does the US have highspeed rail (like the europeans have) yet? That would make getting to a city an hour away more convenient!



Not to my knowledge.  We actually do have a regular train that leaves from this area to Boston, but its shedule isn't that great, and it would have been more of a hassle to catch.  There's also a bus system, but it didn't stop in the area I was going.   

Ah well, it's over and done with!  I not only survived the driving, but having to smooze, and work in groups.  I did well! *Pats self on back.*  :Tongue:

----------


## life

why cant i sleep  ::(:

----------


## Tinkerbell

> I had a "friend" I have known for years and confided several things in get mad at me for no apparent reason, delete and block me on FB and won't answer texts.  So much for friendship.  If you are going to turn your back on someone you should at least tell them why.  I have gone over and over the conversations which are saved in my FB messages and cannot figure it out.  People suck, this is just further proof.



  Several years ago I had a friend from work just quit talking to me. She probably knew more about me than anyone in my life, except my SO.  She moved to a different section and would occasionally come to my area, the first time I said hi, what's up and didn't get a response, I thought WTF, but when it happened on two other occasions - duh - I got the point.  Never asked her why, didn't care at that point.  I won't beg anyone to be my friend nor will I own their behavior.  People like that I can do without in my life.  They are not worth worrying over, people come and go in your life and you'll survive.

----------


## Equinox

> Nope, I don't have a fancy phone with GPS.  I have the bare minimum when it comes to cellphones, because the reception is so bad where I live (the boonies), my phone sometimes freezes up! And I can't see spending more for extra services, or even getting a separate device, as I rarely go anywhere new. I ended up printing the directions from Google maps.  I also brought an old-school map as a back up.



Oh most GPS systems run on space based satellite navigation so they have a wider range than cellphone towers thankfully! That said I think I'd rather get a dedicated device for my car rather than relying on my phones one which isn't that great!

----------


## Anteros

> Oh most GPS systems run on space based satellite navigation so they have a wider range than cellphone towers thankfully! That said I think I'd rather get a dedicated device for my car rather than relying on my phones one which isn't that great!



Yeah, I knew that, actually.   ::):    I rarely go anywhere new, so I can't see getting a separate device at this point. 

But our cell reception is beyond pathetic out here, though.  In fact, my town didn't even have cable access until about 4 years ago.  I may live out in the country, but I'm not that far off the beaten path!   But "progress" is slow out here.

----------


## Equinox

> Yeah, I knew that, actually.     I rarely go anywhere new, so I can't see getting a separate device at this point. 
> 
> But our cell reception is beyond pathetic out here, though.  In fact, my town didn't even have cable access until about 4 years ago.  I may live out in the country, but I'm not that far off the beaten path!   But "progress" is slow out here.



And here I was thinking America was in the distant technological future! Lol nah, but I think we usually get things a bit later down here too.

----------


## Arthur Dent

Another day without internet since Friday night, and now they say that I'll have to wait until Thursday to get it installed. This is starting to piss me off.

----------


## mightypillow

If we both are able to complete something in the same amount of time and both before the deadline, why should it matter exactly when we start and finish the task? If you wanted something done early, then say that. I hate when people expect things to be implied. Either be clear or get the [BEEP] out.

----------


## Misssy

I simply am not feeling well.--------I want to write a plan down like a to-do list to remind myself to stay focused--------but I have this feeling of dread and stress------------because I'm fearing--------and again I just don't feel well and don't even want to articulate the details of it.........but then again what is new-----and yet I know that it would help me to sort of make reminders to myself so I Stay on track----a positive track and I shall somehow do this

----------


## SmileyFace

More annoyed as ever with people.

----------


## life

03.42 and still cant sleep  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

Found out a good friend of mine was in town this week...and she didn't even bother to try to visit me.

----------


## Otherside

> I keep putting off what can't be put off



Tell me about it. Same here. =/

----------


## life

> Found out a good friend of mine was in town this week...and she didn't even bother to try to visit me.



sorry to hear that, hope you confronted her  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

> sorry to hear that, hope you confronted her



Kind of no point in trying to get a hold of her. She almost never responds to my texts and such.

----------


## Otherside

> Kind of no point in trying to get a hold of her. She almost never responds to my texts and such.



I have this problem with someone as well. She also denies a lot of things when I do confront her and ignored me for several months on end when I was having a mega [BEEP] time with my bipolar disorder (and she knew that, and still decided to act as if I didn't exist.) We recently "made up" or have at least agreed to be civil, but heck, I dunno...it's kinda awkward and I dunno whether I wanna talk to her or not. Still hurts though, still is hard, and I just wish things could be the same way they used to be...but they just can't.

----------


## life

For me friendship is special, something that i rarely offer and to be treated by someone you think of as a Friend eg not visiting and communicating is shitty, i feel for you  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

> I have this problem with someone as well. She also denies a lot of things when I do confront her and ignored me for several months on end when I was having a mega [BEEP] time with my bipolar disorder (and she knew that, and still decided to act as if I didn't exist.) We recently "made up" or have at least agreed to be civil, but heck, I dunno...it's kinda awkward and I dunno whether I wanna talk to her or not. Still hurts though, still is hard, and I just wish things could be the same way they used to be...but they just can't.



That is so messed up of them  ::\:  I'm sorry to hear that. Personally, I probably wouldn't have bothered to "make up" with a person like that. I had done that so many times throughout my life, and it never really amounted to anything worthwhile. I hope things work out b/t you two though *hug*





> For me friendship is special, something that i rarely offer and to be treated by someone you think of as a Friend eg not visiting and communicating is shitty, i feel for you



Agreed. Good friendships overall are rather rare these days...

----------


## compulsive

Still waking up afraid. Going to places and back, still afraid. Don't even want to get up in the morning.

----------


## Chantellabella

It's really hard to get things done when you never get time to get them done.

----------


## Antidote

Just googled something and found a very offensive bodybuilding forum thread which made me think the posters must be the dregs of society. 





> Don't even want to get up in the morning.



Tell me about it.

----------


## meeps

I don't fit in anywhere

----------


## Otherside

> For me friendship is special, something that i rarely offer and to be treated by someone you think of as a Friend eg not visiting and communicating is shitty, i feel for you







> That is so messed up of them  I'm sorry to hear that. Personally, I probably wouldn't have bothered to "make up" with a person like that. I had done that so many times throughout my life, and it never really amounted to anything worthwhile. I hope things work out b/t you two though *hug*
> 
> Agreed. Good friendships overall are rather rare these days...



Thanks guys...she is a bit of an...interesting person. I'm not really talking to her, and I don't think we're friends...more...we've agreed to be polite to each other, and accepted that both of us are having a bit of a [BEEP] time. She tried to tell me the reason she wasn't talking to me was because her parents told her not to talk to me, but heck, she's an adult, I don't see what her parents have to do with any of this. 

And yeah, good friendships are so rare. I can think of one person though who has pretty much stood by my throughout the whole time, especially when my bipolar was really playing up a bit last year, and doesn't mention it or act as if it makes me any different. I'm lucky to know her, really, can't think of anyone else though...a lot of the people I know, "friends", I guess...I'm not really that open about my life with.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

FUCKING HELL. In the past 2 days, 8 people who I do not know at all with 0 mutual friends, have added me on fb. It's creeping me out. 

.... And just got another :/

----------


## L

My dad - I may see him three times a week tops but every time he tries to communicate with me it is through a sarcastic remark "did you drown yourself in the shower yet", "What kind of a mess is your room in now" and [BEEP] like "ha I see you did your own washing" - I am starting to resent him a lot

----------


## SmileyFace

Everything and everyone easily pisses me off today...

----------


## Tinkerbell

The more I try to get ahead, the further behind I get.  Arrrrgh

----------


## kc1895

> Everything and everyone easily pisses me off today...



Aww grumps  :Hug:

----------


## compulsive

Now im afraid of going to uni. Great.

----------


## Antidote

For the past two weeks I've been sleeping more poorly than usual, and everytime I wake up in the morning I feel physically so weak and tired. The feeling lingers for half the day. I just want this to end already.

----------


## compulsive

No interest in anything

----------


## compulsive

...did some exercise and yoga and stretching. Now my suicidal thoughts are gone.. :O_O: .Not sure whether lack of energy and depression is due to lack of stretching (hopeful, but incredibly unrealistic) or I have a major mood disorder and get random mood swing triggers. Lol going to exercise everyday now..

Also if reading this, actually serious as strange as it sounds. Im actually using improper language without obsessing  ::D: .

----------


## Ont Mon

Forgot how annoying stuffed noses were without nasal spray.

----------


## Otherside

What the heck is a driver irqls (or whatevr) is not less than or equal error that caused my computer to put up the blue screen of death with a stupid =( smiley????????????????????????

----------


## Otherside

No really, what the [BEEP] is up with my laptop today. Spotify refuses to work, it comes up with blue screen of death due to something ebing up with my driver, and I've had to delete and restore all the documents in the library. Thank god I haven't lost that history essay, otherwise I would be screaming. Why do I get the feeling my computer once again has a virus? The scans are coming up clean so far, but I dunno...

Or was the update it spent three hours doing this morning the thing that caused it to go BOOM?!?!?!?!?

Dear me, seems to be overheating a bit too. And it was new. Damn, do I have to return this thing or get it repaired? Maybe I should try system restore...might get it going...

----------


## life

imho try eset  and norton power eraser, restoring system may not delete a virus, core temp program will tell you if your laptop is overheating (there all free) http://www.howtogeek.com/126911/what...your-computer/

----------


## compulsive

> No really, what the [BEEP] is up with my laptop today. Spotify refuses to work, it comes up with blue screen of death due to something ebing up with my driver, and I've had to delete and restore all the documents in the library. Thank god I haven't lost that history essay, otherwise I would be screaming. Why do I get the feeling my computer once again has a virus? The scans are coming up clean so far, but I dunno...
> 
> Or was the update it spent three hours doing this morning the thing that caused it to go BOOM?!?!?!?!?
> 
> 
> 
> Dear me, seems to be overheating a bit too. And it was new. Damn, do I have to return this thing or get it repaired? Maybe I should try system restore...might get it going...



Were you using flash player at the time? Turn off hardware acceleration on all of your browsers. check to make sure you have turned off properly. http://helpx.adobe.com/flash-player/...velopers_only_

Before you do anything get that essay on a memory stick or if you dont have one, then send it to yourself or save it as a draft via email!

----------


## Otherside

> Were you using flash player at the time? Turn off hardware acceleration on all of your browsers. check to make sure you have turned off properly. http://helpx.adobe.com/flash-player/...velopers_only_
> 
> Before you do anything get that essay on a memory stick or if you dont have one, then send it to yourself or save it as a draft via email!



Seemed to just be a graphic driver issue, just updated it and seems to working okay for now, anyway. Scanned it, no virus's, no malware or anything, seems to be going okay.

----------


## compulsive

I have serious trouble talking to people on a personal level.

----------


## compulsive

I spend minutes figuring out which smiley face to use because someone might get hurt if I accidentally use one that looks mean or is inappropriate for the situation.. :O_O:

----------


## Otherside

> I spend minutes figuring out which smiley face to use because someone might get hurt if I accidentally use one that looks mean or is inappropriate for the situation..



Tell me about it. I have one person on my text list who sends me x's everytime she texts me. About six of them on each text. And at one point, I got a text back saying "YOU PUT LESS X's THAN ME!!! Do you hate me?" And it was just like whaatttttttt?????????

Not the same, sorry.

----------


## life

> I spend minutes figuring out which smiley face to use because someone might get hurt if I accidentally use one that looks mean or is inappropriate for the situation..



 i thought i was the only person who did that, a lot can be read into which emoticon you use and thus misunderstandings can happen  ::(:

----------


## takethebiscuit

> I spend minutes figuring out which smiley face to use because someone might get hurt if I accidentally use one that looks mean or is inappropriate for the situation..



I used the wrong emoticon in a chat on here once. The other person told me and I sorted it out and we moved on. The important thing is not which smiley face you use. You could spend forever trying to figure out which smiley face to use and what the other person's reaction might be depending on which smiley face you use when. The important thing is how you handle things in the unlikely even that someone does feel hurt because you accidentally used a smiley face that looked mean or was inappropriate for the situation.

----------


## VickieKitties

Who cares about anything at all, nothing matters and then you die.

----------


## Otherside

Fucking depressed again. Why can't I just be stable?

----------


## Otherside

> Fucking depressed again. Why can't I just be stable?



And now I'm just gonna log off because I'm in such a funny mood that I just wanna scream the hell at someone at no, I don't give a toss about the consequences, I'm convinced they're in my mind anyway and they know everything, I'm convinced they're together and they've turned against me, and I just don't know what the [BEEP] to do, or why the heck I put up with them or anybody, really. So I don't want much to do with them. But hey, it's all okay for them to act that way, apparently they understand bipolar, apparently she has fucking bipolar and knows all about hypomania. And she probably thinks that I'm not trying hold to control it and I'm supposed to somewhat be in control and I'm just taking it out on people. Don't know where that came from. I just don't give a damn about the consequences.

So yeah...I'm a nutcase. And I'm trying hard to stay in control, but it's probably best I don't deal with people right now, and I don't know what to do!

----------


## Ont Mon

I finished my work at 4.30 am and I have to get up in 3 hours for class. Ugh. I hate uni with such a passion.

----------


## orb

Less than 5 hours sleep, and golf/drinking tonight. Oh dear...

----------


## Misssy

I've injured by feet, took a job I knew was going to physically mess up my body and here I am it's been more than a week since I quit and my feet still have the same problem. Honestly I think I really harmed myself, don't think the damage is going to go away. And feet are important all the time, I used to like exercising now I haven't done anything but sit on my rear this is not helping my depression at all.(((Ha, I just read that I typed above that I've injured by feet.....I mean have injured my feet)))

----------


## kc1895

> Who cares about anything at all, nothing matters and then you die.

----------


## Misssy

Only got 2 hours of sleep last night (downside), Woke up before 8 AM (upside), Put wrong kind of soap in dishmachine (downside), cleaned up the seeping foam on the floor before it became too huge of a problem (upside). Exhausted (downside), will sleep well tonight (upside). Cancelled doctors appointment (Bad) because I still need to find paper documentation before I go. Having a cup of tea (upside). Hopefully will locate the papers sometime this morning.   If I had found the paperwork I needed earlier than I would have been ready to go to my doctor's appointment. Something is wrong with me, I guess I don't look forward to going because they probably can't do anything to help anyways.   IF

----------


## life

never again will i let you treat me like that again, ive had enough,y do this 2 me, had enough, not a fucking mug, you are one selfish bitch, words are cheap, never again, got enough going on in my fucking  life, without you fucking going on = dont deserve this, id have done anything for you= and you knew it, y= because you could, just stop it

----------


## James

I'm not sure how I feel about this....the Prozac I've started taking.  I'm on day 11, and I realize it's way too early for the drug to be having any noticeable effect, but....I swear I feel something.  And it's not a placebo effect.  The last couple of days I've been feeling very....numb.

I guess if I have a choice between feeling crippling, overwhelming anxiety and feeling numb, well the choice is obvious.  I just wonder if everyone feels this way on it.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

> I'm not sure how I feel about this....the Prozac I've started taking.  I'm on day 11, and I realize it's way too early for the drug to be having any noticeable effect, but....I swear I feel something.  And it's not a placebo effect.  The last couple of days I've been feeling very....numb.
> 
> I guess if I have a choice between feeling crippling, overwhelming anxiety and feeling numb, well the choice is obvious.  I just wonder if everyone feels this way on it.



I was on Prozac for about a month, and I have to say that I experienced this as too (well, something similar, might not be exactly the same...) Wasn't happy, wasn't sad, I just felt nothing.

----------


## Antidote

I really don't understand how people with BDD can spray their photos all over the internet including forums. How can they bring themselves to do that? I know that the most severe BDD cases will not even leave the house or at least not until they've spent an hour or more applying makeup / arranging their hair. And I know not everyone has such a severe case, and therefore are more comfortable with being seen. But I still find it unfathomable how many of them go out of their way to bring attention to their looks with this compulsive need to put up photos of themselves. I guess they're addicted to scoring compliments because they want reassurance, but if you really hate your looks that much why would you want anyone to see you? Why would you seek attention and judgement for your appearance? I'm really troubled by this. I just don't understand their behaviour. Do they really have BDD or are they just insecure/attention seekers throwing that word around? I just don't get it.

----------


## Otherside

I'm trying to deal with things and stay calm, but I can't. I've had several people now telling me that I wasn't in control when I did the things I did, that I need to forget the past and not blame myself for it. But people keep bringing it up. I've tried explaining, but they just look at it too simply. They're having a [BEEP] time and they didn't do what I did, and so I could have been in control and I'm responsible. So you don't have what I have, never had a mood swing the way I have, never been paranoid like me to the point of...well, definatley paranoia...and I'm in control? Pis off. Don't tell me I could have worked out the difference between my paranoia and reality. You have no. Fucking. Idea.

You're not the one who got signed off sick in January. No, you chose to leave because you having a [BEEP] time and the social rules were different or something, not because you swallowed a whole load of your propranolol pills, attempted to leave home, and was seen by a doctor from the crisis team who debated whether he needed to hospitalize you or not, and then who decides you're to unstable to be back at school, which, BTW, you acting as if I didn't exist contributed to (Not the full reason, but a contribution to) and you're saying that's okay because I was "throwing it all back in your face" and you "tried to help". And you've never said anything mean to me? What was it, "I'm having a [BEEP] time right now, but apparently you have it far worse?". What was up with that? Maybe I do have it worse than you. But heck, I'd never think to say that to anyone. I don't even think I have it the worst out of everyone I know. How dare you suggest that you do!!!

Man, I really need to get with it and tell this person to stay the hell away from me, and pis off out of my life. This is only gonna turn nasty again. I don't know why I'm even bothering. I need to stop talking to her, I need to stop replying.

----------


## VickieKitties

Get along awesomely with the new guy on two occasions before he leaves to a better job, sounds about right.

----------


## James

> I was on Prozac for about a month, and I have to say that I experienced this as too (well, something similar, might not be exactly the same...) Wasn't happy, wasn't sad, I just felt nothing.



Hrmmmm.......I dunno, maybe I should ask for a different SSRI.  Prozac is making me more stable, but I don't wanta go through the rest of my life like a zombie....feeling nothing.  I hate changing my meds up (again).  I hate playing russian roulette with my sanity.

----------


## Misssy

Woke up early today, went to doctor's appointment. Yesterday I was supposed to go but cancelled it because I didn't have the documentation paperwork I was TOLD BY THE RECEPTIONIST to bring with me. So Yesterday evening I went down to the library and printed out the paperwork. Today when I got to the doctor's office I was told that I didn't even need the paperwork, actually they barely glanced at it and handed it back to me saying it wasn't useful to them. So went into the exam room the person was a nurse not a doctor, she told me there was nothing wrong with my feet, even though they LOOK VISABLY different only two weeks after I was working at that job. I told her that when I walked to the grocery store last night I got one block away from home and my feet were already hurting. I told her it was unusual for me. She gave me a print out on exercises to do for sprain ankles. I DON'T HAVE A FERKING SPRAIN IN MY ANKLES. It was a long bus ride to the doctor's office and back. 2) I wanted to talk to somebody at the medical clinic about anxiety/depression because I'm sure mine is out of control, it's impacting my life. The person I talked had a list of old medications I used to take, antidepressants being one of them and I told her I was taking the anti-depressant any longer. The chick didn't spend any time at all addressing the anxiety/depression thing. So I could make a second appointment, take another bus there, spend the fee again, fill out the paperwork again, and then are they going to do anything? C) I feel like I am not only "socially isolated" in my life style but that the burden to understand and prevent/solve my physical health problems/mental problems is all on me. --- To sum it up the receptionist gave me bad information, then the nurse didn't really bother to listen to me or even answer my questions. Today I cried on the way to the appointment I am not feeling well and stressed out, and then I cried twice after the appointment, once while I was walking in the ferking rain trying to find the bus stop for the return bus. All in all, I pretty much accomplished nothing today. Besides the fact that I made appointment, located the paperwork, commuted there and back, filled out more paperwork, paid for it..and NOTHING. V65.5 "Worried Well" is the diagnosis, it's a way for the nurse to say she spent time telling me that there is no diagnosis. Means NOTHING.

----------


## L

I asked my boyfriend to come to the ball with me.....now he gets to see what a loser I am when he realises I know no one else there even though it is MY college ball

----------


## whiteman

My mom is sick and I've been taking care of her. She is in a lot of pain. She had bloodwork today, and they are going to do a bone biopsy. 

My car broke down so she had to go to town with me. She was in pain the whole way, and we ran over a muffler, and it got stuck underneath her car. The only place close by was a bar and we didn't have a cell phone, so I had to go to the bar and ask if I could use their phone(SA nightmare). I thought I was going to be pitched [BEEP] in the bar, but surprisingly everyone was really nice even though I was really nervous, until this one tall guy came in the bar. He said, "what the [BEEP] is your problem" I told him "my mom ran over a muffler on the road and it's stuck underneath her car" and the tall guy said, "Just keep fucking driving". Later my mom had to go to the bathroom so she went to the bar. She came back and said everyone was really nice especially a tall guy in his thirties-lol

Later that week I had to ride the bus to pick up my car that the shop couldn't fix, so it means I'm driving a car that can just quit running like it did before, anytime. Riding the bus was kind of an SA nightmare. I had no idea what I was doing, and I ended up walking a long way to the shop because I didn't want to ask the bus driver anymore questions.

----------


## orb

'Anything bothering me right now'. Perhaps the quicker to answer question would be 'anything not bothering me right now'  :bricks:

----------


## Coffee

Why am i sick again?! I was ill just a few months ago. This should only happen like twice a year. I need to start actually taking care of myself.

----------


## compulsive

Im pretty sure I have sensory processing disorder. I  cant deal with is people speaking in crowds. I cant even hear what  someone is saying even though I can hear at high and low frequencies. It  comes out as mumbles. Also I have trouble distinguishing between like  sounds. My ability to use the context to fill in the gaps makes it not  so bad though. I often have to ask people to repeat things because I did  not understand what they said. Its not that I didnt hear anything, I  did. But what I heard was like "hello djhbf jfhbvdjhbf jdhfbvdfjhbvjhb"  and I could only pick out a few words..

It gets embarrassing  when I keep asking to repeat and I dont understand. It makes me look like im not listening. But I am listening! Its especially bad when people dont talk loud enough. Your voice needs to be > environment noise else how could I hear you?

I also find it  difficult to learn orally and solve things without writing stuff down  especially math problems which people for some reason expect you to be  able to do in your head when the math is easy.  :O_O: 

Last night I got to hear my memories  ::D: . But then it stopped which sucked.

----------


## kc1895

> Woke up early today, went to doctor's appointment. Yesterday I was supposed to go but cancelled it because I didn't have the documentation paperwork I was TOLD BY THE RECEPTIONIST to bring with me. So Yesterday evening I went down to the library and printed out the paperwork. Today when I got to the doctor's office I was told that I didn't even need the paperwork, actually they barely glanced at it and handed it back to me saying it wasn't useful to them. So went into the exam room the person was a nurse not a doctor, she told me there was nothing wrong with my feet, even though they LOOK VISABLY different only two weeks after I was working at that job. I told her that when I walked to the grocery store last night I got one block away from home and my feet were already hurting. I told her it was unusual for me. She gave me a print out on exercises to do for sprain ankles. I DON'T HAVE A FERKING SPRAIN IN MY ANKLES. It was a long bus ride to the doctor's office and back. 2) I wanted to talk to somebody at the medical clinic about anxiety/depression because I'm sure mine is out of control, it's impacting my life. The person I talked had a list of old medications I used to take, antidepressants being one of them and I told her I was taking the anti-depressant any longer. The chick didn't spend any time at all addressing the anxiety/depression thing. So I could make a second appointment, take another bus there, spend the fee again, fill out the paperwork again, and then are they going to do anything? C) I feel like I am not only "socially isolated" in my life style but that the burden to understand and prevent/solve my physical health problems/mental problems is all on me. --- To sum it up the receptionist gave me bad information, then the nurse didn't really bother to listen to me or even answer my questions. Today I cried on the way to the appointment I am not feeling well and stressed out, and then I cried twice after the appointment, once while I was walking in the ferking rain trying to find the bus stop for the return bus. All in all, I pretty much accomplished nothing today. Besides the fact that I made appointment, located the paperwork, commuted there and back, filled out more paperwork, paid for it..and NOTHING. V65.5 "Worried Well" is the diagnosis, it's a way for the nurse to say she spent time telling me that there is no diagnosis. Means NOTHING.



 :Hug:

----------


## RJ1003

Probably the only ones that will understand my frustration are my fellow video game addicts but the only way i can play is when im home alone, everyone is asleep, i stay up till about 3:30 in the morning,or i wake up at five
So i started waking up at five but now my parents are getting mad at me for doing that so basically no coping mechanism or me 
Which results in the following mood: kooooooong maaaaaaaaaad
any one else have that problem or see my dilema :argh:

----------


## compulsive

Theres nothing I enjoy. Everything seems so pointless. Why should I even try when Ill never been good enough?

----------


## compulsive

People online ( websites such as youtube ) who massively overestimate their "anxiety" or "depression" , self diagnose without even understanding what they are reading and then whine and moan about how its not so bad and how others are so negative.

----------


## compulsive

All I want to do is to talk about being depressed and suicidal, but all of the depression and suicide chat rooms are all fluffy and normal chats. FML

----------


## Antidote

Godammit. There are triggers everywhere. Sometimes it feels like the universe is conspiring to ravage my mental health.

----------


## Coffee

This is my life, if you replace 'masonry' with 'life'.

----------


## Chantellabella

> This is my life, if you replace 'masonry' with 'life'.



 :Hug:  Hang in there.

----------


## Chantellabella

> I asked my boyfriend to come to the ball with me.....now he gets to see what a loser I am when he realises I know no one else there even though it is MY college ball



You're not a loser.  :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

> Hrmmmm.......I dunno, maybe I should ask for a different SSRI.  Prozac is making me more stable, but I don't wanta go through the rest of my life like a zombie....feeling nothing.  I hate changing my meds up (again).  I hate playing russian roulette with my sanity.



Sorry about that. I hope you are able to get it adjusted so you don't feel that way.

----------


## takethebiscuit

> I asked my boyfriend to come to the ball with me.....now he gets to see what a loser I am when he realises I know no one else there even though it is MY college ball



Other people don't always see us the way we see ourselves. For example: your boyfriend might be far too preoccupied with being with you to even care or notice that you know no one else there. And if you know no one else there then a formal occasion like a ball might be a good place to chat to one or two new people if you feel okay to do it. After all, you've got your boyfriend there for support.

----------


## takethebiscuit

> Godammit. There are triggers everywhere. Sometimes it feels like the universe is conspiring to ravage my mental health.



You're right. There are triggers everywhere. And sometimes it feels like the universe is conspiring to ravage your mental health. What has to happen for the triggers to lose their power?

----------


## Member11

> This is my life, if you replace 'masonry' with 'life'.



 :Hug:

----------


## Coffee

> Hang in there.







> 



Thanks you two  ::):

----------


## Ont Mon

> This is my life, if you replace 'masonry' with 'life'.



lern2lyf nub

----------


## L

> You're not a loser.



Thanks sweety x 





> Other people don't always see us the way we see ourselves. For example: your boyfriend might be far too preoccupied with being with you to even care or notice that you know no one else there. And if you know no one else there then a formal occasion like a ball might be a good place to chat to one or two new people if you feel okay to do it. After all, you've got your boyfriend there for support.



I know, I almost want to tell him though but its really stupid - I mean where do we sit.....shit now that's going to be on my mind. - now I regret going

----------


## Otherside

> Hrmmmm.......I dunno, maybe I should ask for a different SSRI.  Prozac is making me more stable, but I don't wanta go through the rest of my life like a zombie....feeling nothing.  I hate changing my meds up (again).  I hate playing russian roulette with my sanity.



I go through this too. Why can they not just invent the perfect med with no side effects already?  :: 

Na, I'm on Prozac at the moment, amongst other things. It was working but I'm once again beginning to feel the same old irritation that I got with the only other SSRI med I've tried-Celexa. Irritation, suicidal thoughts and really bad paranoia seem to be the only side effects I've ever had with them. I've never had the dry throat one thats common, or the zombie feeling, or the lack of sex drive. 

I've felt as though I've had some sort of a chemical lobotomy on other meds though, felt like a total zombie, so I feel for you. It faded though, after a few months or so.





> People online ( websites such as youtube ) who massively overestimate their "anxiety" or "depression" , self diagnose without even understanding what they are reading and then whine and moan about how its not so bad and how others are so negative.



To the people that self-DX things that don't understand:  :bopa: 

Self DX'ers annoy the heck out of me. I'm sure some of them do have anx/dep/issues but a lot of them out there don't seem to. It's pretty easy to tell who they are, half the time-the ones that make it obvious on Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, inform there friends, enemies, everyone they know and make a shrine to  how [BEEP] there life apparently is. Drives me nuts. Doesn't help that these are the people that label the people with real mental health issues as "Emos". I've once had someone post "go slit your wrists you fucking goth wearing emo you dont have real issues you're just a whining kid" or something along those lines. Which got a reply that I'm an adult and I don't look like a goth, I'm not a goth, and I don't "slit my wrists". Meh, he was probably just a twelve year old troll. Not really that fussed.

Sorry. That's gone off topic again.





> Godammit. There are triggers everywhere. Sometimes it feels like the universe is conspiring to ravage my mental health.



Yeah, I know, my problem to, half the time. Triggers on the TV, Triggers on the web, triggers on the street, triggers everywhere =/

Like your avatar, BTW.

----------


## takethebiscuit

> I know, I almost want to tell him though but its really stupid - I mean where do we sit.....shit now that's going to be on my mind. - now I regret going



You regret going. But you've not been yet. The ball hasn't happened yet. It's in the future. You regret going because you're worrying about the ball. The ball has most likely happened over and over again in your mind with you imagining the things that could go wrong, the things you need to worry about etc. And I understand that. I really do. But it's not fair to do this to yourself. It's not fair on you. You deserve to have a wonderful time with your boyfriend. You deserve a happy time out with people you care about and who care about you. You don't deserve all this worry about something that has not actually happened. 

You don't know how this ball is going to go or what's going to happen. That's okay. You've dealt with things before and you can deal with things again. I know it's not simple and I know it's not easy. And I know I don't know your experiences or life circumstances. I just trust that you're a wonderful person who can handle yourself. A wonderful person who deserves to have a great time with her boyfriend.

----------


## Misssy

My relatives are gun freaks....it's just guns guns guns guns shoot em up crap on tv.

It's all male arrogance. Kill your enemies!!! Hate everybody!!! blah blah blah.... kill kill kill.....

great stuff....it's just the sound of guns firing over and over...and men talking about killing people

----------


## Misssy

I feel stuck in my life...the options are

A) Change your life---some of us can't obviously 

B) Fake positivity ---- I dislike this approach it dismisses the fact that there is any problem 

C) Complain....and vent and maybe go to support groups where there is complaining and venting

D) Take pills 

E) Take alcohol or drugs 

F) Become a dead zombie 




I always thought therapists would help me do A yet they don't seem to get it. They jump to pills but even after trying 5 types of pills the problems are still there.

----------


## Chantellabella

> I feel stuck in my life...the options are
> 
> A) Change your life---some of us can't obviously 
> 
> B) Fake positivity ---- I dislike this approach it dismisses the fact that there is any problem 
> 
> C) Complain....and vent and maybe go to support groups where there is complaining and venting
> 
> D) Take pills 
> ...



Sorry you're struggling. I hate being stuck also. It's not a good feeling.  :Hug:

----------


## pam

> My relatives are gun freaks....it's just guns guns guns guns shoot em up crap on tv.
> 
> It's all male arrogance. Kill your enemies!!! Hate everybody!!! blah blah blah.... kill kill kill.....
> 
> great stuff....it's just the sound of guns firing over and over...and men talking about killing people



Sorry, this made me laugh. "Gun freaks"--I use that phrase too to refer to them, but not to their face. 

One day recently I went to the library to get tax booklets for my boyfriend, and the parking lot was overflowing with cars. I was like what's going on? (This is quite a small town) I went in and heard someone on a loud speaker talking about guns. I went to the librarian and asked what's going on? He said the groups name that was having a meeting and I said--they are _against_ the proposed gun control law? And he said yes. And I said Oh, lemme outta here! I was scared if someone saw my Obama bumper-sticker, I'd get shot lol......No, just joking.....I think.

----------


## pam

> I feel stuck in my life...the options are
> 
> A) Change your life---some of us can't obviously 
> 
> B) Fake positivity ---- I dislike this approach it dismisses the fact that there is any problem 
> 
> C) Complain....and vent and maybe go to support groups where there is complaining and venting
> 
> D) Take pills 
> ...



I'd say B is even worse than E. 

Do you see a therapist now? They always try to get me to take meds even before they get to know me. The place I go now is the first place where the waiting room isn't full of drug pamphlets! They don't push them on you there. Which is nice. I myself am against them because I prefer other approaches. I'm not really looking to cover up symptoms (altho that's ok for anyone else who wants to) just to function. I want to change and grow through experience and effort, etc. I believe the right therapy can do that. 

One thing you didn't list was "feeling your feelings" (not just "talking about" them) and that's what i believe heals. Not suppressing them , or controlling them, Instead expressing them in a safe way with someone safe (or alone) to lessen their effect. I believe they are always just under the surface anyway, so may as well let them out. Maybe it's not everyone. Like I see a lot of people online who have bipolar, which I can't relate to at all and so IDK if that would be good for them or not. I've heard medication works with that. But maybe for trauma related stuff, the expressing buried feelings (especially hurt) works. Also instead of trying to control your thoughts and beliefs, maybe focussing on feelings can lead to change too. But the popular things to do these days are to control and suppress, either with sheer will or drugs.

----------


## James

> I go through this too. Why can they not just invent the perfect med with no side effects already? 
> 
> Na, I'm on Prozac at the moment, amongst other things. It was working but I'm once again beginning to feel the same old irritation that I got with the only other SSRI med I've tried-Celexa. Irritation, suicidal thoughts and really bad paranoia seem to be the only side effects I've ever had with them. I've never had the dry throat one thats common, or the zombie feeling, or the lack of sex drive. 
> 
> I've felt as though I've had some sort of a chemical lobotomy on other meds though, felt like a total zombie, so I feel for you. It faded though, after a few months or so.



What really, really gets me is the way that every single therapist I've ever been to seems to pull the name of the antidepressant I'm going to take out of a f*cking hat.  Either that, or it's whatever big pharma is pushing that month.  I can tell you now, without a doubt, that my psychiatrist doesn't give two shits about whether or not Prozac is really working for me or not.  As long as I don't call her or make an emergency appt, she's fine.  

Whatever.  I guess I will try to ride this out for another few weeks, to see if it becomes any more tolerable.  The "zombie" feeling was actually worse today.  I'm keeping pretty good tabs on my sleep habits, my diet, so I don't think it's either of those.  A couple other side effects are showing up, too.  Beautiful, just beautiful.

Maybe it will all fade within a few months, like you said happened with you.

----------


## James

> Sorry about that. I hope you are able to get it adjusted so you don't feel that way.




Thanks, me too.  I don't know what's worse the "zombie" effect or the not feeling anything.

----------


## Coffee

> lern2lyf nub



i lyf all the time dude! maybe i should pick up masonry.

----------


## Antidote

> You're right. There are triggers everywhere. And sometimes it feels like the universe is conspiring to ravage your mental health. What has to happen for the triggers to lose their power?



I need to be neurobiologically rewired, followed by a dramatic lifestyle change were most triggers are banished. I don't know. This gives me a headache. If it were simple I'd have recovered a decade ago. :/






> Like your avatar, BTW.



Thank you. It's from the Double Life of Veronique. I like how wistful and delicate she seems.

----------


## compulsive

Some of the things I have recently wanted to say to other people when Im having an up mood make me very uncomfortable.

----------


## Coffee

I CANT DO THIS ESSAY. WHAT THE HELL AM I EVEN DOING. I've been lazy as [BEEP] this last week and no matter how hard I try, I get such a little amount of work done. I need to stop being such a dick and just work. I'm never going to get anywhere in life like this. I'm going to fail everything.

----------


## Koalafan

> I CANT DO THIS ESSAY. WHAT THE HELL AM I EVEN DOING. I've been lazy as [BEEP] this last week and no matter how hard I try, I get such a little amount of work done. I need to stop being such a dick and just work. I'm never going to get anywhere in life like this. I'm going to fail everything.



Papers and essays can burn a horrible fiery death =/. Im having trouble finishing up my own 10 page essay as well. We'll get through it somehow!!  :Hug:

----------


## Coffee

> Papers and essays can burn a horrible fiery death =/. Im having trouble finishing up my own 10 page essay as well. We'll get through it somehow!!



I gave up! I'm just going to super work tomorrow. I keep telling myself this though and it never happens. idk what the [BEEP] is wrong with me. I hope you get yours done soon!

----------


## SmileyFace

Mom just told me that if I don't lose weight, I'm never going to get a job...

----------


## Chantellabella

I didn't get the job that I went for which would have saved my home and cats. It was a promotion in another library system. I just can't afford to live here with my salary. I took a huge pay cut to work where I am now because I loved the job. But that was 5 years ago and I haven't recouped the loss. 

Now I'm in danger of losing my home because I can't afford the payments and my bills. That means I have to put my 7 cats to sleep because I can't bring them into an apartment. Now I'm going for a second job and applied at a local college. It's either this or delivering pizzas to keep my home and cats. 

Sigh.  ::(:  

This sucks. 

And it hurts to think I've worked for practically my whole life to finally have a place I call home.............and I might lose it. Lose the treehouse my grandchildren and children helped build and paint. Lose my gardens. Lose my cats. 

I'm trying to be positive about this, but I'm just so disappointed. When you're 55, you're supposed to be enjoying your money, going on trips and splurging on your grandkids. You're not supposed to be struggling from paycheck to paycheck and possibly losing your house. I don't mind not going on vacations. 

I just want to one day relax. To enjoy the rewards of my hard work. 

I suppose that's life and life is hard. 

Sigh. 

I know.  ::(:  

I know. 

I'll muddle through this too. 

I always do. 

Sorry for whining. 

Cindy

----------


## Coffee

> I didn't get the job that I went for which would have saved my home and cats. ..



 :Hug:  xx

----------


## L

> I didn't get the job that I went for which would have saved my home and cats. It was a promotion in another library system. I just can't afford to live here with my salary. I took a huge pay cut to work where I am now because I loved the job. But that was 5 years ago and I haven't recouped the loss.



 :Hug:

----------


## L

I can't seem to do anything right by my mother or if I do I am not made aware of it. I get her tickets for her birthday to a concert she said she wanted to go and now she is complaining that she has to go, that I paid to much money - well sorry for trying to do something nice, just because you wouldn't spend that kind of money on me doesn't mean I wouldn't.

----------


## Chantellabella

> xx







> 



Thanks guys. I needed that big time. I even had dreams again all night that I keep messing up.

My head tells me I'm going to be fine and it's for the best.

My heart is a bit broken. 

But hey, my head and my  heart are never connected so all's status quo.  ::):  

 :Hug:  

Hang in there Coffee..........we're going to sink or swim together.
Lasair girlfriend..................... We need to get together to discuss mothers bigtime!

----------


## SmileyFace

> I can't seem to do anything right by my mother or if I do I am not made aware of it. I get her tickets for her birthday to a concert she said she wanted to go and now she is complaining that she has to go, that I paid to much money - well sorry for trying to do something nice, just because you wouldn't spend that kind of money on me doesn't mean I wouldn't.



Join the club. Is she a huge complainer about everything and anything? My mom is like that  ::\:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

New meds. Well, old meds really. I haven't been on them since 2009 or so. Maybe '08. And for good reason, because they're chock full of unpleasant side effects and when they wear off at the end of the day, it feels like I'm hungover. They're meant to help ease hyperhidrosis. I feel so awful. I don't want to think about what these are doing to my body. It's like when you squeeze a sponge dry. That's how my head feels. Tight chest, can't breathe through my nose, headaches, super dry mouth, blurred vision, etc. The best part is that it's still only a partial fix. This is such a joke. And there's NOTHING else that even remotely works this is all I've got if I want to survive the summer months and maybe think one or two less depressing, morbid, damaging thoughts.

----------


## James

God I feel old.  My oldest daughter is posting pics of half-naked guys on her fb...team Edward I think is what it says.  What happened to that little baby girl I used to rock to sleep every night.  What happened to Hello Kitty?  Or Big Time Rush?  ICarly?

----------


## Coffee

Just submitted the shittiest essay ever in the world. God dammit I'm going to fail everything. And my intro sucks balls so as soon as the marker starts to read it, they're going to know how bad the rest of it will be.

----------


## Antidote

Just found someone at that other place who looks like they're copying my style of writing / terms I use. I'm really creeped out. I don't believe they'd do it deliberately but somehow indirectly they were influenced? I think it must be that they've been talking to someone I used to talk to who I influenced with the way I write. Like a domino effect. But I don't know...

----------


## compulsive

I feel like i'm being suffocated all the time. Other people expecting more of me than other people. But they dont know how hard it is for me to even get out of my room every day.

----------


## Chantellabella

I get annoyed at people who don't bother to say goodbye. 

Yeah, I get it. 

But geesh, would it have hurt to just say goodbye? 

Leaves you with a feeling of "I just don't care if you feel hurt." 

I'm guilty of doing that too. But I've done it in the past. I've not done it in awhile. You know why? Because it hurts when somebody does it to me. 

Forget it. 

I guess it doesn't matter. 

Oh wait. I *know* it doesn't matter. 

What the hell was I thinking even bringing it up?

----------


## Tinkerbell

> God I feel old.  My oldest daughter is posting pics of half-naked guys on her fb...team Edward I think is what it says.  What happened to that little baby girl I used to rock to sleep every night.  What happened to Hello Kitty?  Or Big Time Rush?  ICarly?



You know I think the kids growing up is harder for the parent.  My son is 35 and I wonder the same things.  It is so hard to change the relationship as they grow, I want him to be that little [BEEP] that ran away when he was two - to the car in the driveway.  Deep breath and carry on.

----------


## Tinkerbell

@ Chantabella  Wow I could on forever, but just know that I know how you feel.  I'm going through some similar issues and was just wondering how hard do I have to work to never get ahead.  BUT I know that this feeling will pass and I'll be fine.  Just as you will.  Keep the faith and keep moving forward.   :Hug:

----------


## L

The vomiting bug has taken over the nursing home because the stupid hospital send someone out to us with it with out informing anyone. I am here for a full day and again tomorrow, really hope I don't pick up anything as I have a concert to go to on Monday

----------


## kc1895

Went to the dentist and did some "light scaling".  It was the worst pain I've felt, like cutting off my gums with a razor blade.  The dentist said he didn't want to give me anesthesia (which you're supposed to) because it would be "easier" without it.  Of course it was because patients were overbooked and appts were backed up for an hour.

----------


## Anteros

This was brought to my attention:





> I get annoyed at people who don't bother to say goodbye. 
> I guess it doesn't matter. 
> 
> Oh wait. I *know* it doesn't matter. 
> 
> What the hell was I thinking even bringing it up?



I assume this is about me?  I just needed a few days to recover from some personal issues before approaching my friends -  I am sorry that I lead you to believe otherwise.   Believe me, I DO care, and I'm sorry if I damaged our friendship.   But considering how I handled things, I deserved that comment.   ::(:  

I sincerely apologize to all that I've hurt though my actions... and lack there of.  

ETA:

And I'm sorry I didn't make an official goodbye thread, I really don't like to be under the spotlight, I figured my profile message would be enough.  But that backfired big time!

----------


## Chantellabella

> This was brought to my attention:
> 
> 
> 
> I assume this is about me?  I just needed a few days to recover from some personal issues before approaching my friends -  I am sorry that I lead you to believe otherwise.   Believe me, I DO care, and I'm sorry if I damaged our friendship.   But considering how I handled things, I deserved this comment.   
> 
> I sincerely apologize to all that I've hurt though my actions... and lack there of.  
> 
> ETA:
> ...



No, my friend. It was about my brother. Yes, when you left I was rattled and I was confused. It may have triggered the anger I have right now for my brother. You have nothing to apologize for, ok? I am angry that he has gotten me back by abandoning me just as I abandoned him. The difference was I was being sexually abused at home, almost knifed to death by my mother and I was 15. He is now 50 and he could have apologized for keeping me out of his life for the past 30 years. He just left and because of his stuff, he didn't even bother to tell me goodbye. Your quick departure may have triggered me, but my post wasn't toward you. I promise.  :Hug: 

And I apologize for being all over the place with emotions and thoughts here lately. Not handling integration well at all.  ::):

----------


## Anteros

> No, my friend. It was about my brother. Yes, when you left I was rattled and I was confused. It may have triggered the anger I have right now for my brother. You have nothing to apologize for, ok? I am angry that he has gotten me back by abandoning me just as I abandoned him. The difference was I was being sexually abused at home, almost knifed to death by my mother and I was 15. He is now 50 and he could have apologized for keeping me out of his life for the past 30 years. He just left and because of his stuff, he didn't even bother to tell me goodbye. Your quick departure may have triggered me, but my post wasn't toward you. I promise.



Oh, okay.  I am very sorry about your brother.... and for triggering you.   ::(:   :Hug:   :Hug:   :Hug:  





> And I apologize for being all over the place with emotions and thoughts here lately. Not handling integration well at all.



No worries!   :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

> Oh, okay.  I am very sorry about your brother.... and for triggering you.      
> 
> 
> 
> No worries!



But this was a good thing that I was triggered (if you really did............the jury is still out on that one.  ::): 

See, I took 100% blame for his behavior all these years. Just took the guilt and said I deserved it. Now I'm mad because I've already apologized (back in 2005), sent him birthday cards...........really tried and he still wants no part of my life. 

I just decided that enough is enough. I'm not taking the blame for this anymore. He hurt me by leaving, never saying goodbye, and continues to hurt me by ignoring my efforts to get back in his life. 

So it's good...............I got pissed. And I needed to. 

And thanks for understanding about the crazy. Integration is daunting. I'm serious when I say I have no idea how you guys have lived with this mesh of mess in your brains for so long? 

 :Hug:  

I have to admit, I was very confused with the name change. Remember, I'm old. I can't keep up with things like name change. I was busy wondering where your posts went and how I got this new friend named Anteros. I'm slow on the uptake.

----------


## Anteros

> But this was a good thing that I was triggered (if you really did............the jury is still out on that one. 
> 
> See, I took 100% blame for his behavior all these years. Just took the guilt and said I deserved it. Now I'm mad because I've already apologized (back in 2005), sent him birthday cards...........really tried and he still wants no part of my life.
> 
> I just decided that enough is enough. I'm not taking the blame for this anymore. He hurt me by leaving, never saying goodbye, and continues to hurt me by ignoring my efforts to get back in his life. 
> 
> So it's good...............I got pissed. And I needed to.



Indeed - you did the gracious, thoughtful and caring thing and he was unable to appreciate it.  I agree in that you have every right to be angry, and can walk away with a clean conscience knowing you tried your best.   Perhaps he'll realize all the chances you gave him someday, and come around, and give you the apology you deserve.   Sometimes they do see the light.  Let's hope!





> And thanks for understanding about the crazy. Integration is daunting. I'm serious when I say I have no idea how you guys have lived with this mesh of mess in your brains for so long?



Oh, and I understand about emotions taking over.  Believe me, I am very temperamental.  It is something I struggle with a lot, especially after getting off of Paxil. 






> I have to admit, I was very confused with the name change. Remember, I'm old. I can't keep up with things like name change. I was busy wondering where your posts went and how I got this new friend named Anteros. I'm slow on the uptake.



I don't know, at the time, I felt if I changed my name that it would help cut down on me being brought up by new arrivals from the other forum, or even by regulars.  I guess I just wanted to be forgotten so I wouldn't feel even more compelled to come back.  A silly notion, now that I think about it. :/

----------


## Chantellabella

> I don't know, at the time, I felt if I changed my name that it would help cut down on me being brought up by new arrivals from the other forum, or even by regulars.  I guess I just wanted to be forgotten so I wouldn't feel even more compelled to come back.  A silly notion, now that I think about it. :/



You will never be forgotten. Even if you want to be.  ::):  You're too important in the lives of so many of us. 

Do what's right and healthy for you, ok? Just like you told me above. It's ok to finally let go. It hurts, but letting go is part of life.  :Hug: 

Oh hey.................if you're not going to be using that fork, can I have it? That will come in handy at work. Rather than shoot rubber bands at my teens from my desk when they act the fool, I could just reach that thing into the teen room and grab them around the neck.  ::):

----------


## The Wanderer

Just annoyed.
I work 60 hours a week, I only have every other weekend off.  And on my weekends off, my mom always wakes me up early.  During the week I get 4 hours of sleep a night, I deserve extra rest when I'm off.  It pisses me off..

----------


## Anteros

> Do what's right and healthy for you, ok? Just like you told me above. It's ok to finally let go. It hurts, but letting go is part of life.



Thank you.  :Hug: 





> Oh hey.................if you're not going to be using that fork, can I have it? That will come in handy at work. Rather than shoot rubber bands at my teens from my desk when they act the fool, I could just reach that thing into the teen room and grab them around the neck.



Sure, why not!  I'll be sure to email it to you.  ::): 

Okay, I'd better head on out - I've spent too much time on here already.   I'll see you around peeps.   :Hug:   :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## Denise

I noticed the distinctive negativity of SAS upon my casual return . . 

Probably consistent with the theory of More people . . Greater chances of conflict

----------


## kc1895

> I noticed the distinctive negativity of SAS upon my casual return . . 
> 
> Probably consistent with the theory of More people . . Greater chances of conflict



 where do you see the negativity coming from?  I'm sure we can go there to give it some  :Hug:  and make it better  ::):  That's what this forum is about.

----------


## Denise

> where do you see the negativity coming from?  I'm sure we can go there to give it some  and make it better  That's what this forum is about.



sounds good  . lol

What I mean is that . . some people there are pretty aggressive, and somehow condescend . I try my best to stay in the Middle, so to say . . not so Narcissistic , not so Self-loathing . . .rrr

----------


## compulsive

Im tired of being told that other people have it worse by "positivity" (actually means I dont care about your feelings at all, I will attack you if you make me feel a little bit sad) tyrants on other websites. I dont care what others have. Im scared of living. Isnt that enough? No one can tell me that most people are brave. We are all the same.  Why am I supposed to run through fire when others dont want to face their own phobias? The answer is no one who has not jumped through fire can tell me to get over it because they are cowards too. 

Why do I need an excuse to be depressed? Why do I have to shut up and hide my feelings because other people have it worse? Why do people who have visible problems, even just a broken leg get treated with such kindness , but im supposed to shut up and get over it? Unless you treat everyone equally , you have no right to say that.

If society wanted me to not have a mental illness and pretend to be happy, they should have eradicated bullying. But they didn't, and they do nothing about it. The truth is if society was better and people cared I would not have these disorders.  I have nothing to be guilty about and its not my shame, its societies shame. Im tired of carrying the burden of guilt for other peoples inability to empathize with things they dont understand. I will not shut up so that others can feel slightly happier for 5 seconds. 

If my feelings offend others simply because they are too raw to handle, that has nothing to do with me. If they are free to be judgmental, inconsiderate, and empathetic , I am free to express my feelings and I should not feel remorseful at all. My mental illness is not my fault.

----------


## Antidote

So anxious today. Health triggers again. And I've got dozens of things to do but can't seem to get started. Everything feels daunting. I just want to be unconscious for a while.

----------


## Denise

> Im tired of being told that other people have it worse by "positivity" (actually means I dont care about your feelings at all, I will attack you if you make me feel a little bit sad) tyrants on other websites. I dont care what others have. Im scared of living. Isnt that enough? No one can tell me that most people are brave. We are all the same.  Why am I supposed to run through fire when others dont want to face their own phobias? The answer is no one who has not jumped through fire can tell me to get over it because they are cowards too. 
> 
> Why do I need an excuse to be depressed? Why do I have to shut up and hide my feelings because other people have it worse? Why do people who have visible problems, even just a broken leg get treated with such kindness , but im supposed to shut up and get over it? Unless you treat everyone equally , you have no right to say that.
> 
> If society wanted me to not have a mental illness and pretend to be happy, they should have eradicated bullying. But they didn't, and they do nothing about it. The truth is if society was better and people cared I would not have these disorders.  I have nothing to be guilty about and its not my shame, its societies shame. Im tired of carrying the burden of guilt for other peoples inability to empathize with things they dont understand. I will not shut up so that others can feel slightly happier for 5 seconds. 
> 
> If my feelings offend others simply because they are too raw to handle, that has nothing to do with me. If they are free to be judgmental, inconsiderate, and empathetic , I am free to express my feelings and I should not feel remorseful at all. My mental illness is not my fault.



It's a matter of relativity. Belittling other people's misery only leads to further misery, it is wrong.

Someone could be lying in hospital with a broken leg. . . 

but 70 years ago, a few people had broken legs . . out in the cold mud . . destined to be prisoners of war inside of one of the greatest concentrations of human suffering ever achieved.

Don't let people belittle you. It's freedom of speech, just let it out. Complete yourself as a human being

----------


## Otherside

> Im tired of being told that other people have it worse by "positivity" (actually means I dont care about your feelings at all, I will attack you if you make me feel a little bit sad) tyrants on other websites. I dont care what others have. Im scared of living. Isnt that enough? No one can tell me that most people are brave. We are all the same.  Why am I supposed to run through fire when others dont want to face their own phobias? The answer is no one who has not jumped through fire can tell me to get over it because they are cowards too. 
> 
> Why do I need an excuse to be depressed? Why do I have to shut up and hide my feelings because other people have it worse? Why do people who have visible problems, even just a broken leg get treated with such kindness , but im supposed to shut up and get over it? Unless you treat everyone equally , you have no right to say that.
> 
> If society wanted me to not have a mental illness and pretend to be happy, they should have eradicated bullying. But they didn't, and they do nothing about it. The truth is if society was better and people cared I would not have these disorders.  I have nothing to be guilty about and its not my shame, its societies shame. Im tired of carrying the burden of guilt for other peoples inability to empathize with things they dont understand. I will not shut up so that others can feel slightly happier for 5 seconds. 
> 
> If my feelings offend others simply because they are too raw to handle, that has nothing to do with me. If they are free to be judgmental, inconsiderate, and empathetic , I am free to express my feelings and I should not feel remorseful at all. My mental illness is not my fault.



Ah, so true. I think the one no-say when it comes to mental illness is "I have it worse". Unfortunatley, this gets said to me a lot. People don't seem to understand my mental illness or that it's not my fault and I can't just accept responsibilty for what it made me do. Why do I need an excuse when I'm depressed? I'm depressed because...well...um...

I suppose we'll turn it around. "Hey epileptic, why are you having seizures? Grow up and get a grip...you have two legs, don't you. You can handle it! Stop attention seeking!"

Now t_hat_ wouldn't be okay, but apparently, this is:

"Hey bipolar, why are you so depressed half the time? And what's with those anrgy manic episodes? You just need to calm down, okay? You're attention seeking! Grow up and accept responsibility for your mood swings! They're your fault!"

Now whilst it's not okay to tell someone with Epilepsy that there seizures are there fault, or someone with diabetes that it's there fault they don't produce insulin, it is okay to tell someone with depression, anxiety, bipolar, any sort of mental illness to get on with it. 

If only it was that easy.

----------


## L

I need a second job....applied to sooooo many but nothing back..

----------


## James

Lately it feels like everything I'm dealing with has to do with loss and death and dying.I just got back from Houston National Cemetery, where I visited my grandfather's and grandmother's graves for the first time.  It was a very surreal, very sad experience, but also very cool in a way.  His gravestone has his name obviously, dates of birth and death, and then "WAR HERO" at the bottom.  He fought in WWII and the Korean War.  The other side of the gravestone is my grandmother.I really miss them.  I think in a lot of ways I was closer to them than I ever was to my own parents.

----------


## Antidote

1) I finally contacted my supervisors after putting it off for more than a month. It took me 2 weeks just to write an email to them and I also got three people to edit my email. 
2) They responded, I thought they might hate me but it seems they're really chill and happy to hear from me again. This is good but now..
3) I need to write back. I'm all anxious again. If it were up to me I'd take another 2 weeks at the rate I'm going. Ffffuuuuuuu...

----------


## Antidote

And now the self-doubt kicks in. They actually hate me, and are lying / being polite.

----------


## life

why cant i get started on my work, why cant i be more motivated  ::(:

----------


## Coffee

::(:

----------


## compulsive

> 1) I finally contacted my supervisors after putting it off for more than a month. It took me 2 weeks just to write an email to them and I also got three people to edit my email. 
> 2) They responded, I thought they might hate me but it seems they're really chill and happy to hear from me again. This is good but now..
> 3) I need to write back. I'm all anxious again. If it were up to me I'd take another 2 weeks at the rate I'm going. Ffffuuuuuuu...



Why do you think they hate you?

----------


## compulsive

I really hope I can get my old personality back.

----------


## Antidote

> Why do you think they hate you?



Because my research project with them was intensive and tricky... and kind of ended with antagonism between us. I don't really want to go into detail because it's long and complicated, and I'd prefer to delete it from my memory.

----------


## Evo1114

I got therapy in about 45 minutes.  *Sigh*  One of these days I will have something to talk about.  Since the weather has been so nice here, I suppose that will be the main topic of conversation.  I did have somebody from my yoga class who I was trying to establish a friendship with flake out on me...so we'll talk about that.  She'll make it into a bigger deal than it is.

----------


## Ironman

Just when things calm down, a curve ball.

At least I am back down to 20mg with no melatonin at night.

----------


## Evo1114

The therapist office had no working air conditioning and it was hot in there.  So not only do I come back to work with sweaty anxiety pits, but also sweaty overheated pits.   ::(:

----------


## Koalafan

So many awkward social situations in the last 5 hours  ::(:

----------


## Air Caterpillar

So sad.  ::(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> So many awkward social situations in the last 5 hours



 :Hug: 

Sometimes I feel like I'm incapable of _not_ being awkward. Like that's just how I was meant to be or something. How do other people socialize with such ease?

----------


## James

I want to go to this support group.  Everyone has been encouraging me to go for months now.  It's called Survivors Of Suicide.  I think maybe it will help me somehow deal with the loss of my ex-girlfriend, and all the trauma that went with me having watched her kill herself.

I'm really, really afraid to go, though.  I can't imagine talking about something so personal like that to a group of complete strangers.  I don't know if I can do that.

I don't know if I can do that without breaking down and turning into a complete mess.

----------


## Tinkerbell

James, other people there have been where you are.  Do you have to talk or can you go and just listen?  Sometimes it helps to know that other people have been through what you are going through, can relate to you.  That is a horrible event to try to deal with on your own.  You will find the strength to do what is right for you. Take care.

----------


## Evo1114

Yeah, you should go man.  If you break down, you break down...nobody will judge you there.  Everybody there will know exactly what you're feeling and your story could potentially help others in their grief as well!  It will probably be very therapeutic.  Could you go and just listen for a bit?  Maybe even that could be therapeutic?

----------


## Ironman

> I want to go to this support group.  Everyone has been encouraging me to go for months now.  It's called Survivors Of Suicide.  I think maybe it will help me somehow deal with the loss of my ex-girlfriend, and all the trauma that went with me having watched her kill herself.
> 
> I'm really, really afraid to go, though.  I can't imagine talking about something so personal like that to a group of complete strangers.  I don't know if I can do that.
> 
> I don't know if I can do that without breaking down and turning into a complete mess.







> James, other people there have been where you are.  Do you have to talk or can you go and just listen?  Sometimes it helps to know that other people have been through what you are going through, can relate to you.  That is a horrible event to try to deal with on your own.  You will find the strength to do what is right for you. Take care.







> Yeah, you should go man.  If you break down, you break down...nobody will judge you there.  Everybody there will know exactly what you're feeling and your story could potentially help others in their grief as well!  It will probably be very therapeutic.  Could you go and just listen for a bit?  Maybe even that could be therapeutic?



James - they went through similar stuff as you.  They know what you are dealing with and can help you put things in order.  It is a safe environment where people can share and not be judged.  You have nothing to lose and so much to gain.  You may even make a friend while you are there.

----------


## Misssy

First of all I don't understand the commands on this new laptop I have. So I just erased everything I just wrote....

----------


## Misssy

Could come here everyday and post something on the "What's bothering you" thread....because I have anxiety and in theory the stupid doctors say I am depressed. Though they never diagnose me we with anxiety. The counselors say I have anxiety. But doctors only ever use the word depression. Because Depression is so popular. POPULAR. 

Wish it wasn't so in style to diagnose somebody with Depression, in the past doctors probably would have tried to give me a lobotomy, they probably would have tried to diagnose me with hysteria or some ridiculous thing. 

Amazingly the dumb doctors can't diagnose the most obvious problems.....because in truth life itself can cause health issues. 

When people go to the doctor they are suppose to go there for being SICK. 

But when a person has anxiety or depression it is as if LIFE itself has made the person sick. 

I think I was a perfectly happy person and one point, that I was naturally okay. But then LIFE made me sick. And there is no PILL that changes life......

----------


## Antidote

Back pain and front pain.

----------


## Evo1114

> Back pain and front pain.



No left or right pain at least?  J/k.  Hope the pain goes away!

I hate when my fellow IT guy (supervisor, I guess) is on vacation.  People rely on me for EVERYTHING as is, but then I get all his calls as well...many times it's from people who are pissed off that he never called them back.  Yesterday I got called up to our 3rd floor to move a camera that was attached to a tripod 5 feet out of the way so they could have a board meeting (like it wasn't possible to have the meeting with the camera there). One time I was called about a clogged toilet in one of the WOMEN'S bathrooms.  I was like 'ummm...well, it wasn't me!'  Ha.  Anything that needs to be plugged into a power outlet, people call me about.  People transfer calls from customers to me who are having PERSONAL computer problems.  It's maddening, MADDENING!!!

----------


## VickieKitties

Only 8 pounds down since January, makes me sick.  What an embarrassment.

----------


## Misssy

I feel like throwing up today, probably I should be taking pain medication with coffee first thing when I wake up it can't possibly be helping the way my stomach feels at all. 

Feel like crap and have no way to feel any better. there ya go.

----------


## Antidote

I got a drop of boiling oil in my eye last night. Worried about my vision now.

----------


## Coffee

> I want to go to this support group.  Everyone has been encouraging me to go for months now.  It's called Survivors Of Suicide.  I think maybe it will help me somehow deal with the loss of my ex-girlfriend, and all the trauma that went with me having watched her kill herself.
> 
> I'm really, really afraid to go, though.  I can't imagine talking about something so personal like that to a group of complete strangers.  I don't know if I can do that.
> 
> I don't know if I can do that without breaking down and turning into a complete mess.



James it's okay if you break down and turn into a complete mess, because the people there will understand your pain. When I went to rehab and AA I never imagined opening up about my deepest darkest secrets, but I did it because the people were so supportive and they had all been where I had been. I think you should go. It's worth a try.

----------


## WintersTale

Once again I feel like shit, because people tell me I'm too picky, and then insult me by saying I'm unattractive...WTF?

Not here, but on a different site.

----------


## Antidote

My fucking eyeball D:

----------


## takethebiscuit

> I want to go to this support group.  Everyone has been encouraging me to go for months now.  It's called Survivors Of Suicide.  I think maybe it will help me somehow deal with the loss of my ex-girlfriend, and all the trauma that went with me having watched her kill herself.
> 
> I'm really, really afraid to go, though.  I can't imagine talking about something so personal like that to a group of complete strangers.  I don't know if I can do that.
> 
> I don't know if I can do that without breaking down and turning into a complete mess.




I get that you're really, really afraid to go. And you don't know if you do that (talk about something so personal) without breaking down and turning into a complete mess. And the issue is not whether you can talk about something so personal without breaking down. The issue is how close are you to breaking down about all of this right now?

What you've been through sounds horrific. I really feel for you. The fact that going to a support group scares you this much suggest that what's happened to you still has a powerful affect on you and your quality of life. 

You've got the chance to go to a support group and be with people who understand and can help. Worst case scenario is it's a load of rubbish and does nothing for you. In that case, you're no worse off than you are now. You break down? Well, who says you have to see any of the people in the support group again and anyone whose got a problem with your breaking down about something this bad is a total moron anyway.

Best case scenario: things start to change for you.

If you were to go to the support group and it helped you, how would that make you feel?

----------


## WintersTale

I'm so tired of being depressed, feeling like I'm worthless, and wanting to change. Why can't I change already? Why does life have to be this hard?

----------


## Misssy

"*Same ol' Rat in the drain Ditch*"---Jerry Garcia

----------


## Member11

::(:

----------


## L

> 



 :Hug:

----------


## L

So tired feel my eyes are going cross eyed. 

Also I may have gotten myself a second job, in agency care work - but I feel bad telling my boyfriend as he is in line for losing his job as the company is in going bust

----------


## compulsive

Where ever this feeling has come from I dont want it to end! It will stop when I have to talk to people today of course but come back after feelings!

----------


## Misssy

Congrats!!

----------


## compulsive

Cant concentrate

----------


## James

> James, other people there have been where you are.  Do you have to talk or can you go and just listen?  Sometimes it helps to know that other people have been through what you are going through, can relate to you.  That is a horrible event to try to deal with on your own.  You will find the strength to do what is right for you. Take care.







> Yeah, you should go man.  If you break down, you break down...nobody will judge you there.  Everybody there will know exactly what you're feeling and your story could potentially help others in their grief as well!  It will probably be very therapeutic.  Could you go and just listen for a bit?  Maybe even that could be therapeutic?







> James - they went through similar stuff as you.  They know what you are dealing with and can help you put things in order.  It is a safe environment where people can share and not be judged.  You have nothing to lose and so much to gain.  You may even make a friend while you are there.







> James it's okay if you break down and turn into a complete mess, because the people there will understand your pain. When I went to rehab and AA I never imagined opening up about my deepest darkest secrets, but I did it because the people were so supportive and they had all been where I had been. I think you should go. It's worth a try.







> I get that you're really, really afraid to go. And you don't know if you do that (talk about something so personal) without breaking down and turning into a complete mess. And the issue is not whether you can talk about something so personal without breaking down. The issue is how close are you to breaking down about all of this right now?
> 
> What you've been through sounds horrific. I really feel for you. The fact that going to a support group scares you this much suggest that what's happened to you still has a powerful affect on you and your quality of life. 
> 
> You've got the chance to go to a support group and be with people who understand and can help. Worst case scenario is it's a load of rubbish and does nothing for you. In that case, you're no worse off than you are now. You break down? Well, who says you have to see any of the people in the support group again and anyone whose got a problem with your breaking down about something this bad is a total moron anyway.
> 
> Best case scenario: things start to change for you.
> 
> If you were to go to the support group and it helped you, how would that make you feel?




Thank you for all the replies.  It really means a lot.  I read each of them 2 - 3 times.  I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and I think I'm going to give it a chance.  I don't know that I'll be able to get much out of it.  When I get cornered (when I'm forced or feel pressured to talk about something I don't want to talk about or show any kind of emotion) I completely shut down.  I totally make myself invisible, make myself as "un-approachable" as possible.  That's actually how I am everyday, lol.

I called the group leader almost a year ago, right after it happened, and talked to her for a bit.  I was way too chicken to go.  And I think it was too soon...I'm kind of glad I didn't go.  She said there was one other person there that had lost their spouse to suicide.  That doesn't make me feel much better...makes me feel worse actually.

I've found that people generally just don't even know what to say to me, in response to the suicide.  Everyone here has been real supportive.  It's just....it's hard to know what to say.  There's nothing that anyone can say or do really that can make it any better, or make what happened go away.  I don't know that a support group will be much better.  On the one hand, I imagine it being like everyone there has put their lives back together, and is moving on, and I will be the only one really struggling.  And the other scenario I imagine is kind of the opposite, with a bunch of people sitting around in a huge circle and no one talking and no one knowing what to say.  I'll try to give it a chance.  I don't have anything to lose.  If I'm too uncomfortable, I'll just decide that it's OK to leave.

----------


## Tinkerbell

James,  I'm glad that you have decided to give it a try.  Please let us know how things went.  I wish you the best as you move forward with this.

----------


## Koalafan

> Sometimes I feel like I'm incapable of _not_ being awkward. Like that's just how I was meant to be or something. How do other people socialize with such ease?



I would seriously like to know that secret =/...it really feels like Im incapable of talking to people.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I would seriously like to know that secret =/...it really feels like Im incapable of talking to people.



Same here. I can sometimes carry on a conversation, but not without discomfort. My mannerisms scream _this is_ _the worst moment of my whole entire life_ and we'll be talking about the weather or something so pathetically insignificant. And still, I won't know how to act. It's bizarre. When I actually stop to think about it, I realize how much of a head case I must look like. How weird social anxiety must seem to people. How ridiculous it is that I am afraid of what most people love - social interaction.

----------


## Coffee

ugghh this is really, really inconvenient. i really don't have time to deal with this [BEEP] right now.

----------


## Antidote

Getting older and uglier by the day.

----------


## L

that moments=, 5 seconds ago I though about giving my mum a hug but seeing, even though she is twisted drunk, that she had no thought of giving me one made me retract - I want to cry - I don't know how to handle these feelings

----------


## WintersTale

Loneliness, as usual. I wish I could get through this.

----------


## Coffee

I've legitimately reached new lows in my thinking patterns. daymn.

----------


## Monotony

Now's one of those times I wish I had a time machine to redo things =/

----------


## Misssy

Well, I was feelin so bad, asked my family doctor bout what I had,
I said, doctor, doctor, mister m.d., can you tell me, what's ailing me? 

He said, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
All you need, all you really need: good DRUGS!!
Because you got to have drugin (good drugin)
Everybody got to have drugin (good drugin)
A little good drug now baby, good drug

So come on baby, squeeze me tight
Don't you want your daddy to be all right? 
I said baby, now it's for sure,
Ive got the fever, you got the cure.

He said, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
All you need, all you really need: good prozac
Because you got to have zoloft (good zoloft)
Everybody got to have paxil (good paxil)
A little good scripts now baby, good scripts.

Hey, got to have pills ya (good pills)
Well, you got to have pills ya (good pills)
Come on now and give me big bottles (of pills now).

Well, I was feelin sort of bad now,
Asked my family doctor bout what I had,
I said, doctor, doctor, mister m.d.,
Can you tell me, what's ailing me? 

He said, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
All you need, all you really need: good shove 
Hey, now you got to have shovin (good shovin)
Everybody got to have shovin (good shovin)
Give me, give me, give me some shovin (good shovin).

Come on now, everybody get right, (got to have drugin)
You may be weak or you may be blind (got to have drugin)
But even a blind man knows when the sun is shining (got to have drugin)
So turn it on now (got to have drugin)
Turn on, turn on your light (got to have drugin).

Gimme, gimme, gimme some drugin (good drugin)
Hey, now you got to have lovin (good lovin)
You need it, I need it, well you got to have lovin (good lovin)
Say it again now, good lovin.

Well turn on your light, you wont regret it (good drugin)
You got to go for the good and get it (good drugin)
Everybody, they got to have drugin (good drugin)
Hey, now you got to have shovin.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Anybody ever had a dream...where you wake up next to your best friend...clothesless...shit.  ::

----------


## mightypillow

I had that dream again. I hate that I am like this.

----------


## Evo1114

So I had plans to go to the zoo on Saturday with a girl I met on the other anxiety website, but she got sick and cancelled late Friday night.  So this weekend was filled with loneliness.  The weather was absolutely perfect too.  Hopefully I'll get another opportunity to do something next weekend...or at least sometime soon.  I want to do something to enjoy the nice Spring weather!

----------


## Koalafan

Thank you back tire on bike for turning what should a 10-15 minute ride back and forth to the bank into a sprawling 2 and a half hour journey that almost killed me

----------


## Koalafan

Bah just feels like one of those days where every conversation I have is an awkward awful mess =/

----------


## Otherside

It's three in the morning, and am I asleep? No, no, that would be to much to ask. I'm just going to lie awake too buzzed to actually sleep. Brilliant. Just brilliant.

----------


## WintersTale

I'm worried for my sister.

She just got her two kids back, and they've been staying with us. So there are 8 people living here, 5 of them children.

The day care where she takes her two year old called CPS on her, and they're showing up here. There really is nothing to worry about, because the kids are safe, clean, and well taken care of and loved, but I still worry, because I know how twisted CPA are. They will take away kids for no other reason than to get credit for doing it. 

I'll just be thankful when it's all said and done. They're not even my kids, and I'm having trouble sleeping at night!

----------


## Air Caterpillar

Not as dire as these other posts (hugs to you all  :Hug: ) but... My dog just farted and it smells really bad  ::(:

----------


## Total Eclipse

Today was awful (really awful).

I stayed up all night drinking coffee knowing I had a doctors appointment (physical) then a therapist right after. I was an anxious wreck before I even left the house, to the point of feeling sick.   

* Doctors, my aunt dropped me off, went Okay, I suppose. He talked to me and asked me how I was doing, giving me all sorts of support. 

The therapist wanted me to walk from their to downtown (11 blocks) and meet her at a cafe' to speak. (She wanted to see how I reacted to social situations. I took 5 bites before I went and ran out of the cafe' and barfing in a trash can. 

Lack of sleep? To much coffee? Or just anxiety?? I don't know. 

She doggie bagged the food up and bought me a lemon pop. (She knew I wasn't going to go back into the cafe').  she told me she wanted me to "reach outside my comfort zone, even more so", and take the bus home. I was in total panic state. i felt so much nausea on the bus and I kept praying it would just dye down. I felt everyone was looking at me, and things just started spinning. I started to have a panic attack, then my stop came and  I got off the bus. The breeze made it feel a bit better, I'm so mentally and physically worn out from anxiety, though.

----------


## Evo1114

> Not as dire as these other posts (hugs to you all ) but... My dog just farted and it smells really bad



 :Giggle:

----------


## VickieKitties

Stupid roommate has one chore around the apartment, doesn't do it.  Sure, I'll bust my [BEEP] at work all night, come home and do somebody else's chores.  Whatever.

----------


## Misssy

Getting read to go to work, living in somebody else's home, paying rent to feel like I am an intruder in their life. 

Tired, feeling old and worn out, lucky if a break even. 

Summer is starting and I am obligated for a whole summer filled with doing a low paying job. 

Missing a concert that I wanted to see due to lack of funds and transportation, and don't want to go by myself anyhow, 

Running behind the schedule that I am now obligated to live by.

Feel like my life is never going to exist that I will only ever live to be some sort of slave.

----------


## WintersTale

I don't know what to talk about in therapy anymore. I know I'm going through issues, but I don't know how to bring them up?

----------


## mightypillow

Sometimes I will lie to others when I am asked a question I am afraid to answer or one where I am ashamed of my answer.

----------


## L

> I don't know what to talk about in therapy anymore. I know I'm going through issues, but I don't know how to bring them up?



Write it down - I had to do that!

----------


## L

We got out grade for an assignment posted today - I was so panicky going to look at it - my number wasn't up - I half expected it not to be there as I got an extension but now I am extra anxious as to when I will get my result and have to ignore everyone else if they ask me how I did!

----------


## RJ1003

Fuckin life :Rain:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Forget restless leg syndrome, I've got restless entire body syndrome. Every time i get comfortable, my body would rather flop around like a fish out of water. Typical, because whenever I plan to wake up at a decent time I can't sleep for whatever reason. I don't even think ill bother trying to go back to sleep. What is the point?

----------


## WintersTale

When I Co op I'm not sure if I'll be able to get a job. I dread the interviews.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

::(:  just had a conversation with a telemarketer. I didn't want to but I hate hanging up on them and now I'm sweating and even more nervous than before.  :Rain:

----------


## L

My knee pain - oh holy crap!

----------


## GunnyHighway

I'm in such a horrible feeling mood right now. Should be eating dinner right now, I don't know if I'm gonna starve myself or just gorge myself on a whole calorie and fat ridden pizza.

----------


## Antidote

Chronic sore throat has returned. I can't fucking believe this is still going on. I got it checked out by a specialist and he never found anything wrong. No treatments.

----------


## WintersTale

Will I always be judged for the posts I made on the other forum? Why can't I let go of that? 

People suck.

----------


## James

> Will I always be judged for the posts I made on the other forum? Why can't I let go of that? 
> 
> People suck.



Yeah, I know what you mean, that "other place" sucks.  A lot of the people on there suck.  I don't know why I even go there anymore.  To get my fair share of abuse I guess.

I had a chance to go out tonight (to an Astros/Rangers game) completely paid for, good seats.  I'm in one of those moods where I feel like isolating.  And now....I'll spend the rest of tonight wondering why I'm so lonely and depressed.  Sometimes I think there really is no help, no hope for me.

----------


## Koalafan

Just had a very serious panic attack

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Just had a very serious panic attack



 ::(:  hang in there!  :Hug:

----------


## Koalafan

> hang in there!



Thanks Illusion!  :Hug:

----------


## Member11

[BEEP]  ::(:

----------


## Antidote

I'm starting to think a disproportionate number of people from my city are trolls. It's like there's some kind of online Australian subculture to troll and disparage people because they think it's funny / smart alecky / cool to be a headfuck.  :Confused:

----------


## Dust_in_the_wind

Panic attack and lonely days.

----------


## Sagan

My drinking problem  ::(:

----------


## life

Why can’t I understand people like ‘normal’ people, i always seem to annoy people?  ::(:

----------


## Antidote

F*ck everything.

----------


## Coffee

I don't really think things through properly. I need to start planning ahead.

----------


## WintersTale

I woke up after 4 hours sleep, and can't get back to sleep. Oh joy.

----------


## Equinox

Why do I always feel exhausted as if I haven't slept in days  :shake:

----------


## WintersTale

Still awake. I just grabbed lots of coffee, and prepared to settle in.

I'm going to skip church this morning. It's Mother's Day, so it's really a day for my mom and my sister (who's a mother of 5 kids.)

----------


## Hamster

I should be studying.

----------


## WintersTale

I don't understand people, and probably never will

----------


## L

I am stuck

----------


## meeps

Treated like shit, and don't understand why.

----------


## WintersTale

I'm worried about the future.

----------


## Frogger

leg cramps.

----------


## life

why do i let myself be so vulnerable to someone who obviously doesn't feel the same way  ::(:

----------


## James

Very lonely.  I likely won't be speaking to another human being until Friday.  God, I never thought I would end up this lonely and isolated from the rest of the world.

----------


## Chantellabella

Very anxious. I keep running things over and over in my head. Why do I do that?

----------


## minted

I'm very disappointed with myself at the moment because I cant bring myself to do my assignment that is due tomorrow and have to PRESENT. I'm so worried. I'll probably end up starting it at 9pm and will only end up with two hours sleep.

----------


## Antidote

I feel like my life is over and there's no point in even trying anymore.

*Edit*
That makes me sound suicidal. I'm not, but definitely feel like it's too late for me to catch up to where I should / could have been if I weren't ill.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

> I'm worried about the future.



Same  ::(:  all the damn time.

----------


## Monotony

God damn why does depression have to constantly escape it's God damn cell? Shove it back in an it just escapes again sooner or later  :hit wall:

----------


## L

Two weeks without my car - who HATES me - I need to get back to my college place, I could have gotten the bus thousands of times but I was being told the car will be done, wait until tomorrow and I'll look at it, the part was't right I get it tomorrow, something else needs to be changed it will be done at 2. two comes ring me at 3, 3 comes the part hasn't come in - I'm going to FUCKING kill someone

----------


## L

> God damn why does depression have to constantly escape it's God damn cell? Shove it back in an it just escapes again sooner or later



 :Hug:

----------


## whiteman

I couldn't sleep the night before I had an appointment to look at a truck, and I couldn't sleep the night after I looked at the truck. I haven't slept in two nights. Why can't I be normal, and not get so worked up about things. The more important something is to me, the more anxious I am about it, and the worse I do.


Even worse I did not buy the truck. It needed new ball joints and it had an oil leak despite being a newer truck. I really need a truck for my business, and I want something I actually like rather than all the other cars I bought just because they were good deals. I'll probably have to wait a year to save money to buy something I want, but it means I'll have to put off a lot of work until then.

----------


## compulsive

People who don't try at school and blame it on their genes. Talk like it takes you 5 seconds to finish everything (when it took hours and hours).  Excuses never ending. I still went to lecturers even when I had panic attacks in them. I still studied and did exams and course work when I was suicidal. 

At least use a reasonable excuse! Not : "im just not smart" AKA: 'I want to socialize and have lots of free time'. 

I cant even pass without working hard and yet the same people talking about not studying much and passing. Yet they are the ones with learning disabilities? nope!

----------


## Antidote

I'm going bald.

----------


## Koalafan

Too much anxiety lately...I feel like its impossible for me to ever relax and be calm

----------


## whiteman

> People who don't try at school and blame it on their genes. Talk like it takes you 5 seconds to finish everything (when it took hours and hours).  Excuses never ending. I still went to lecturers even when I had panic attacks in them. I still studied and did exams and course work when I was suicidal. 
> 
> At least use a reasonable excuse! Not : "im just not smart" AKA: 'I want to socialize and have lots of free time'. 
> 
> I cant even pass without working hard and yet the same people talking about not studying much and passing. Yet they are the ones with learning disabilities? nope!



I know. I went to class even though I have a herniated disk and sitting is excruciatind, and I still went to class even though I have SA and sitting around people makes me anxious and gives me headaches. When I was in school, school was more important than anything. My life revolved around school. All I did was study, work, and workout an hour a day. I don't get how the people in school have the time to post in forums. There are people in school that have thousands and thousands of posts. Maybe they're smarter than I am and they don't have to study IDK...

----------


## Ironman

> I know. I went to class even though I have a herniated disk and sitting is excruciatind, and I still went to class even though I have SA and sitting around people makes me anxious and gives me headaches. When I was in school, school was more important than anything. My life revolved around school. All I did was study, work, and workout an hour a day. I don't get how the people in school have the time to post in forums. There are people in school that have thousands and thousands of posts. Maybe they're smarter than I am and they don't have to study IDK...



Negative thinking - nix it!  That can cause panic attacks.

----------


## Ironman

I have had another false belief collapse today.  I have been feeling confident - all from prayers.  I am getting sick of this one situation causing me SA.  There are times when it makes me want to cuss....hard, loud, and long time.

----------


## SmileyFace

People still talk to me only when they have problems to share... really tired of it.

----------


## compulsive

> I know. I went to class even though I have a herniated disk and sitting is excruciatind, and I still went to class even though I have SA and sitting around people makes me anxious and gives me headaches. When I was in school, school was more important than anything. My life revolved around school. All I did was study, work, and workout an hour a day. I don't get how the people in school have the time to post in forums. There are people in school that have thousands and thousands of posts. Maybe they're smarter than I am and they don't have to study IDK...



edit: nvm actually, you can think what you like. not wasting time on this.

----------


## L

I failed an assignment - stupid stupid stupid - I have a massive exam tomorrow and now I cannot concentrate.

----------


## James

My new job is bothering me.  It requires nothing more than a hs education and the ability to follow simple instructions.  It pays almost nothing.  I'll have almost nothing in the way of responsibilities.  Not much stress.  No decision-making.  No deadlines to speak of.  Only one supervisor to answer to.

Not what I'm used to.  But I think it's all that I can handle right now.  It's way, way different from any job I've ever had.  But I'm a completely different person now...I'm a shell of the person I was a year ago.

----------


## Ironman

> My new job is bothering me.  It requires nothing more than a hs education and the ability to follow simple instructions.  It pays almost nothing.  I'll have almost nothing in the way of responsibilities.  Not much stress.  No decision-making.  No deadlines to speak of.  Only one supervisor to answer to.
> 
> Not what I'm used to.  But I think it's all that I can handle right now.  It's way, way different from any job I've ever had.  But I'm a completely different person now...I'm a shell of the person I was a year ago.



On the contrary, I think you are MUCH further along than you were or could have been.
Sometimes, we need to look at things day to day or week to week.....not year to year.

----------


## WintersTale

My head is ping ponging back and forth.

----------


## whiteman

> edit: nvm actually, you can think what you like. not wasting time on this.



That's right, I'll think what I like, but thanks for your permission anyways-lol.

----------


## berlingot

thinking i forgot to do something. checking over to-do lists, writing down ideas so they won't slip away.

----------


## Antidote

My skin. Urgh.

----------


## compulsive

I didn't want to admit it but I know why why people use me and mistreat me with a smile. Its not because they want to use. Its because they hate me and want to get back at me. 


Even when I had a different personality, people still hate me,I'm not sure what it is , but there's something inherently dis likable about myself. Even when I was a doormat, people still hate me. 

Shit, I even impose on people that are nice to me and fail them. f I can feel myself suffocating them with my failure. 

Even doggy hates me  ::'(:

----------


## compulsive

ugh why cant you just hate me? I need to be punished  ::(:

----------


## Antidote

Someone needs to buy my shoes from ebay. I cbf'd listing them again.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

All phone numbers gone on my phone D: first it took them over a month to get it back to me and it looks like all they did was reset it... grrrrrr

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> *online friends and potential online friends*. 
> a selection of people i get to know online are _way_ cooler than half of the people i know 'offline'. i lament the fact that it's nearly impossible to hang out with these people offline.



I know the feeling. I don't have the luxury IRL of being selective with who I become "friends" with.

----------


## Misssy

Phew....just having a long day and a long week. 

I'm tired. Had some manager being crappy to me while I'm training for a new job.
The person training me told that snarky manager that I'm doing exactly what I have been instructed to do by the trainer. 

It's too on in a job to already be dealing with this crap. 

I need to apply for some other jobs over the weekend.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

Rash on my tummy D:

----------


## WintersTale

I should stop getting upset. It really serves no purpose.

----------


## compulsive

Lots of really anxiety provoking events happening at once. I might drown..

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Sometimes you eat your feelings, and sometimes those feelings taste like far too much strawberry cheesecake. D:
Sorry, stomach. We'll get through this. You know where the exercise mat is.

----------


## Koalafan

I feel like a failure, even the most basic things are flaring up my anxiety to the point to where I can barely function on a daily basis and the little things kills all my energy and motivation =/

----------


## Antidote

I think I must have vitamin deficiencies.

----------


## Chantellabella

Why do these feelings of hopelessness, sadness, and worthlessness keep coming back? I'm struggling so much to overcome it. I need to laugh again. It's just really hard to do when I feel this low.

----------


## Koalafan

> Why do these feelings of hopelessness, sadness, and worthlessness keep coming back? I'm struggling so much to overcome it. I need to laugh again. It's just really hard to do when I feel this low.



Ive been struggling really bad with my depression/anxiety too lately  ::(: 

Hugs for Cindy!  :Hug:

----------


## Arthur Dent

Why do I feel about not having anyone to talk to, if nothing anyone could say would make me feel better anyway.

----------


## compulsive

Definitely have avoidant personality disorder. Out of the 15 or so pages description, most things are exactly the same to a T. on the bright side, reading the long description is helpful in terms of grounding, since science doesn't lie.

----------


## L

Just had to ask someone to stop making comments about and friend and I .....scared to see her response

----------


## Koalafan

Jesus christ...its like every "assesstment" I take for these jobs, half the questions are about how social you are and how much you like being around people. How is it even possible for me to be honest when there is zero chance of me getting a job if I told them how anti-social I was? Oh the joys of living in an extroverted world  ::(:

----------


## L

Exam in an hour, it not one to worry about but I feel like throwing up.

----------


## Fallen18

It's way to hot in this house I'm dying and my hair is a proof ball. I am not a happy panda.  :-_-:

----------


## compulsive

Everything I did is worth nothing

----------


## Air Caterpillar

I was feeling really good for a long time. I did so much and was really enjoying life. Now since last night I can't bring myself to do anything and feel very depressed. I don't know why.

----------


## Misssy

> I feel like I've been on a long, arduous journey, only to find myself exactly where I started.



Well heck, will pick up where you left off Dizzy. 

Can relate to this because now, here I am living in the SAME condominium building and same town that I lived in when I was in highschool, I walk past the foot ball stadium that I only went to one single football game at when I was in high 
school. Literally I am back where I was in 1995....only because I got a job here in this area. Wow man I am tired I don't feel like I can even spell this out really....it's the wine and the antihistamine that I just took. I wanted to write something about how I have probably lived 12 places after I moved out of this condo and now I am back here all these years later. But too tired now my fingers barely type this out

----------


## kc1895

> I was feeling really good for a long time. I did so much and was really enjoying life. Now since last night I can't bring myself to do anything and feel very depressed. I don't know why.



 :Hug:

----------


## compulsive

So I can suddenly remember my daydream from 1 year ago (now memory gone lol) , but cant remember how i wasted so many hours today? Even though i was studying all blury and seem to have not done much  :O_O:

----------


## whiteman

I was attacked on another forum by a moderator for merely asking about a surfboard. It was totally unprovoked. I became evil whiteman, and I went after this guy with everything I have. He said he was going to crack my skull, and I told him where I live. He's in a bike gang and he's a gun nut, but I'm happy. He's a gift from Odin. Hopefully something comes of it. I really need an assault rifle but my roomate is against guns. I have a feeling he's going to be armed. If he shoots me I Hope I'm not afraid I hope I'm heroic so I can impress Odin and therefore be allowed to spend eternity in Valhalla because I'm not backing down, especially if he has a gun I just wish I had one too I guess what I have will just have to do-sad face

----------


## VickieKitties

> I was attacked on another forum by a moderator for merely asking about a surfboard. It was totally unprovoked. I became evil whiteman, and I went after this guy with everything I have. He said he was going to crack my skull, and I told him where I live. He's in a bike gang and he's a gun nut, but I'm happy. He's a gift from Odin. Hopefully something comes of it. I really need an assault rifle but my roomate is against guns. I have a feeling he's going to be armed. If he shoots me I Hope I'm not afraid I hope I'm heroic so I can impress Odin and therefore be allowed to spend eternity in Valhalla because I'm not backing down, especially if he has a gun I just wish I had one too I guess what I have will just have to do-sad face



He's gonna shoot you over a surfboard question?  What a dick, eff that guy.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

> 



Thank you  ::):

----------


## Koalafan

I think Im starting to go crazy from filling out so many applications

----------


## Monotony

This rain is annoying me mostly because it's been like all week and my cat spends all day hogging my bed or knocking my door open every couple of minute or climbing all over my desk >.<

I'm using my computer F off you damn lightning  :damn kids:

----------


## Chantellabella

> This rain is annoying me mostly because it's been like all week and my cat spends all day hogging my bed or knocking my door open every couple of minute or climbing all over my desk >.<
> 
> I'm using my computer F off you damn lightning



Would it help for me to tell you I have a cat sitting on the back of my chair (and head), one on my lap, one draped across my desk touching my keyboard, one rubbing his head on my monitor and two sitting above me on the ledge continuously meowing for attention? Hey, I'm missing one. Oh, he's using the litterbox and the fumes are headed this way. Abandon ship!

----------


## L

Work messing with my timetable and not telling me that it is changed.  I'm sick of this happening.

----------


## Fallen18

Just feeling sad, I had a anxiety attack before so I'm tired as well, plus it's crappy out so I'm just  :Rain:

----------


## Total Eclipse

Having "lady issues" suck, bad..

----------


## Chantellabella

Just really tired. It seems like there's always work at work and work at home. I mean I'm blessed to have both. I just think that sometimes it would be nice to stop awhile and just veg.

----------


## compulsive

I want to die again

----------


## Air Caterpillar

I feel really depressed

----------


## fordgurl_87

How its been months and I thought I figured out how to deal.... until I seen him the other day and it's like starting from square 1 all over again...

----------


## L

I hate being so awkward - I hate anxiety

----------


## Misssy

Today is beautiful outside but I am exhausted. My stomach is bothering me a little bit, just not feeling 100% great. There was a "linked-in" request in my in-box in my email. I wasn't sure if this person that I was friends with for about 10 years was trying to contact me or not. I sent her an e-mail. 

She responded to my email, though in the email she concluded it by saying that her "Linked-In" Automatically generated the request. So now I don't think I want to respond back to her email because it is not very friendly exactly.

----------


## Member11

Headache ::(:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Headache



 :Hug:

----------


## compulsive

really anxious again. its difficult to cope with all this stuff comming up

----------


## Chantellabella

Something's wrong with mouth. Lot of pain for a few days. I think my crown has lifted or something because I'm living with shooting pain up my jaw and mouth. Living on Advil. I have a dentist appt in 2 weeks. I wonder if I can last that long.

----------


## Misssy

Ouch man we all are having aches and pains it seems like. 

Headaches and toothaches etc.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

What a fuckin day

----------


## Air Caterpillar

Dear parents,

Taking away my driving privileges will absolutely not motivate me to get a new job and/or ask for more hours at work. It will do several other things, but not that. Here is a list:

1. It will make it very difficult to see my best and only friend, which will be devastating (not an exaggeration) because we've been hanging out almost every weekend for over a year.
2. It will make me even more isolated than before.
3. It will make me even more depressed than before.
4. It will make me spend all my money to buy a [BEEP] car.

So go ahead, take that away. You're not only taking the vehicles though. You're taking my only friend and the only ounce of happiness I have left. 

Sincerely, 
Air Caterpillar

P.S. I'm really sad  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

> Dear parents,
> 
> Taking away my driving privileges will absolutely not motivate me to get a new job and/or ask for more hours at work. It will do several other things, but not that. Here is a list:
> 
> 1. It will make it very difficult to see my best and only friend, which will be devastating (not an exaggeration) because we've been hanging out almost every weekend for over a year.
> 2. It will make me even more isolated than before.
> 3. It will make me even more depressed than before.
> 4. It will make me spend all my money to buy a [BEEP] car.
> 
> ...



 :Hug:  Sorry if I'm being naive here, but have you tried talking to your parents about your depression, do they know about it?

----------


## Air Caterpillar

> Sorry if I'm being naive here, but have you tried talking to your parents about your depression, do they know about it?



They do know about it, yes, maybe not to the full extent... This is supposed to "get me out of it and get you out there" I don't think they know how hard it is and how nervous I get  ::(:  thank you for the virtual hug.

----------


## Otherside

> They do know about it, yes, maybe not to the full extent... This is supposed to "get me out of it and get you out there" I don't think they know how hard it is and how nervous I get  thank you for the virtual hug.



I've been there and it's horrible. Whilst I can agree with the "getting out there" part kind, I'm not so sure about the "get you out of it". Variety does help depression somewhat, getting out of the house, doing other things...I don't know if getting more work hours or changing the job would help though. Some people it might, some people it probably won't.

And the anxiety? Yes, I've been there with my parents, trying to explain that I was literally too terrified to apply for the jobs. I ended up calling my mother a hypocrite before they began to see...I don't recommend starting a major argument with them, or saying anything really hurtful.

Try talking to them again. Sometimes, it needs a lot of explanation. I know it's frustrating, but a second time might help.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

> I've been there and it's horrible. Whilst I can agree with the "getting out there" part kind, I'm not so sure about the "get you out of it". Variety does help depression somewhat, getting out of the house, doing other things...I don't know if getting more work hours or changing the job would help though. Some people it might, some people it probably won't.
> 
> And the anxiety? Yes, I've been there with my parents, trying to explain that I was literally too terrified to apply for the jobs. I ended up calling my mother a hypocrite before they began to see...I don't recommend starting a major argument with them, or saying anything really hurtful.
> 
> Try talking to them again. Sometimes, it needs a lot of explanation. I know it's frustrating, but a second time might help.



Yeah, I think I'll have to talk to them again.. And maybe again after that. 

The job that I have currently hasn't helped with anxiety at all. I can talk to the customers much better than when I first started, but in any other situation I'm even worse than before, so you're right when you say getting more hours wouldn't help, and getting a new job would be even worse. I guess they just don't want me sitting around all day, which I don't do but they wouldn't know because they're gone all day and don't even notice when I do things around the house or yard. It IS frustrating. Sorry for going on and on. But yes I will talk to them soon. 
Thank you  :Hug:

----------


## L

I have to do some complaining at work, but as I cannot stick up for myself this could go really wrong....

----------


## Misssy

Yeah Lasair, 

Complaining at work is high-stress sometimes. 

There are some people who say it in such a way that they get away with it. My co-worker complains and almost always gets away with it.

----------


## Ont Mon

Semi erupted wisdom tooth, hurts like a mofo. Also a headache which is probably due to the tooth, once again hurts like a mofo.

----------


## Sagan

Worried about something I should care nothing about.

----------


## Koalafan

God trying to get a job with Social anxiety is a fucking nightmare

----------


## Sagan

I hear you! From being a General Manager of a popular department store to bring underemployed for 3 years has been miserable!

----------


## Koalafan

Bah tell me about it! It gets very depressing when even mcdonalds doesnt even call you back for an interview =/

----------


## James

I really, really miss my girl, a lot today for some reason.  And that is just more depressing than I can put into words.

I wish I could drink on my meds.  I just want to.....disappear for a while.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> oh where's the pause button



I would like a reset button.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> oh where's the pause button



I would like a reset button.

----------


## VickieKitties

Some people are annoying every chance they get.

----------


## compulsive

I want to see these positivity movement people on a bad week act positive all through out. I bet 99% cant do it.

----------


## L

Night shift almost finished but it's sunny out and its never sunny, don't want to go to bed

----------


## Air Caterpillar

This week was extremely bad. Many tears have been shed. I just want to get really drunk and happy.

----------


## Antidote

I need to unsee something.

----------


## Fallen18

I kind of just want to die.

----------


## compulsive

I dont want to do it. Because of scared of the images that I get in my head and the feelings.

----------


## VickieKitties

Unintelligent people misusing high-brow language; if you can't hack it, stick to monosyllabics.  Maybe I just need to start wearing headphones all the time.

----------


## sunrise

> I kind of just want to die.



 :Hug:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

zero self esteem

----------


## Coffee

A buddy of mine from rehab contacted me because he relapsed. I don't feel strong or capable enough to support him effectively at the moment. We share the same addiction so I know it isn't easy, but all I can think of to say at the moment is to go to a meeting or go back to rehab. I can't do much when we're in different countries and that makes me feel like shit. I wish I could do more.

----------


## Antidote

My skin is fucked.
My hypochondria fears at the moment are melanomas and mouth cancer. But I don't want to go to the doctor, because then I'll have to do this other test which is overdue and I don't want to do it. 
My procrastination has long been out of control and I'm not sure if I can ever get it back under control.
I've been craving junk food ever since I started eating less meat. Either going to have arteries clogged with animal fats or diabetes from all the carbs I shovel into my mouth when I can't eat my animal fats. Can't win.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

I am hungover and it sucks. Gonna eat chicken nuggets and possibly throw them up shortly after.

----------


## Antidote

My laptop screen appears to be starting to fall off.

----------


## James

Everything today reminds me of my girl.  Lots of memories are flooding back today for some reason.  It seems like every song on the radio has a memory of us attached to it.  I really, really miss you.  I wish you were here.  I need you.  God....forever is a really, really long time.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

It's too early x_x

----------


## Brasilia

my life is crap

----------


## mightypillow

There are things I want to do, but my fears are preventing me from doing them. So, I am sitting at my desk in a deadlock. I don't know what to do with myself anymore.





> my life is crap



Hear, hear.

----------


## L

I don't know if it is my age or the fact that I am studying to be a psychiatric nurse and not a "real" nurse that people don't trust what I say. Had was having trouble with his ears so I told him to use some wax clearing drops but he didn't listen and went to the doctor to pay 50euro to be told the same thing.

----------


## Koalafan

I really hate myself

----------


## Sagan

Yes my smoking addiction.

----------


## WintersTale

I'm worried that I'll never be able to make another album. This is a fear that I have after each album is through, that I've bled completely dry, and that the muse will escape me.

I wrote a song, but I don't know if it's any good. It seems kind of weak. The 20 second snippet I recorded three weeks ago seems much better.

----------


## compulsive

I feel like Brooks from the shaw shank redemption

----------


## Air Caterpillar

Bad dream. Sad ending.

----------


## VickieKitties

Why am I always punishing myself?

----------


## James

I think my relationship with my oldest daughter is going south, quick.

Is there not anything I cannot screw up?

----------


## compulsive

Had this random heart mumur or whatever its called. Its strange ive had around 4 in the past month or two but never before. Need to excersise more lol.

----------


## Otherside

Writers block. Its not as though I care about my novels been published or anything, and I've always written for me and for...well, me...but I hate it when my mind can't pop up ideas like it usually does.

Seriously. Maybe I've been playing Skyrim too much lately. Why is that I get so obsessed with something when I get it new? That's probably dumbed down my creativity lately. Man, I hate being off sick.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

My vision. It's a bit silly for me to be avoiding having my eyes checked again. I can't very well go around only being half able to see.

Also, wasps. We may have a problem again. At least I've since switched bedrooms. I've got my phone in the bedroom we suspect they're coming from, filming the window and the closet (our assumed points of entry). Only thing about that is it means I'll have to review hours of footage looking for wasps, which aren't very big, and what if no wasps even come inside today? It will be a waste.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

Very unhappy tonight

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Just the general feeling of stagnancy an helpless/hopelessness I feel on a daily basis as I waste away in the prison I've created for myself. Herp derp.

----------


## insigniff

Not being able to draw a line between friendship and manipulation.

----------


## L

It is amazing how something so so so small can mess up how you feel  ::(:

----------


## waldeinsamkeit

I just hate people. Becoming the pigeon man from Hey Arnold is looking really appealing right now.

----------


## sanspants

Slept through the whole time I was supposed to be hanging out with my new friends at the pub :/ I woke up on time, thought nope, I'm not up for being around people, and went back to sleep again  ::

----------


## L

I'm so hot, oh my gosh....need shower or I'll die....

----------


## Misssy

Yeah, I just feel exhausted.

----------


## whiteman

I didn't eat all day then I binged now I feel like shit.

----------


## WintersTale

I can't talk to my mom about anything without it turning into an argument. I give up trying to communicate with her.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

What a [BEEP] night.

----------


## Misssy

Just having a lame morning. My stomach hurts. Woke up at about 5:00 AM, layed in bed until about 6:30. Tried to go back to sleep.

----------


## L

Have the house to myself - now if I only had friends to have a party lol

----------


## Misssy

I just threw away like 3 or 4 bags of stuff, trying to clean up paperwork, I own barely anything already. I'm going to go for a walk. I just feel crappy.

----------


## kc1895

whats bothering me? why im not dead yet

----------


## Chantellabella

> whats bothering me? why im not dead yet



That would bother me if you were dead.  :Hug:

----------


## *Swept Under The Rug*

Head hurts. bad.

----------


## Chantellabella

I've had a project staring me in the face for over 8 years and today was the first day I attempted it. I worked on it for 15 minutes, then couldn't take the pain. Why?

----------


## Koalafan

> whats bothering me? why im not dead yet



 ::(:   :Hug:   :Hug:   :koala:

----------


## L

Clearing out my stuff as I should be moving on in life come September - decided to move into my brothers room which means I have to go through all my stuff....there are bad memories storied away, this may produce tears  ::(:

----------


## Misssy

> I've had a project staring me in the face for over 8 years and today was the first day I attempted it. I worked on it for 15 minutes, then couldn't take the pain. Why?



What project was that?

----------


## Misssy

Ya Lasair there are bad memories in old stuff.

----------


## Misssy

I was debating about throwing a book away. I thought it was out of print and rare. Well, it is. On Amazon.com they sell for about $200.00..Oh no, mine is on ebay for $80.00 because it is a second edition. It is the only book I own. I feel so sad at the moment.

----------


## whiteman

California transplant scumbags who think they own the place. My family has lived on the beach as long as there have been people on this beach, and these guys think they own the place because they have money, or they can surf, or... A California developer moved here and told the community that building his development would result in hundreds of new jobs, in return the community passed a bond to upgrade the infrastructure to support the new development, then the develper hired a construction crew from California. As a result the locals couldn't afford to pay the bond, and they were forced to sell their property, and guess who bought the properties??? That's right, the California transplant scumbag who told the community that building his development would result in hundreds of new jobs.

Wasn't there some talk about building a fence in Southern California in order to keep the Mexican immigrants out??? Well I think it's a great idea. However, I don't think it's going to be enough. Rather than just building a fence on it's border with Mexico, I think they should build a fence around the entire border of California, not so much to keep the immigrants out, but to keep the Californians in-lol.

Scumbags.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

We found some pictures in the attic while cleaning it out. A _lot_ of pictures. Lots of old class photos from elementary school and such. Going through them, I realized that I remembered each of those years by one or several unpleasant memories. They overshadowed the positive ones, even when I was that young and oblivious to my issues. The memories of being afraid are the ones that stuck with me. I know that I had fond memories from ALL of those years. All of them. But hell if I can remember. :/

----------


## compulsive

grrr this feeling ruins everything. Its the feelings of anxiety and then my brain "needs" to put images into my head and trains of thought to explain the feeling  :O_O: . stupid ocd

----------


## takethebiscuit

The bad memories are not in old stuff. Show the old stuff to a complete stranger and the complete stranger does not experience the bad memories. The bad memories were in your head and the old stuff just acts as a trigger for them. If I broke into your house and bombarded you with recollections of your bad experiences and memories you'd rightfully kick me in my private bits and call the police. But you're willing to give yourself that kind of pain? 

By all means sort through stuff and if there's things you can deal with, deal with them. And give yourself a sense of closure. I know this is unsolicited advice and you probably won't like me for giving it but you don't have to put yourself through pain. If stuff you've got to sort through bothers you, put it away where you can't find it again or destroy it/get rid of it. Not easy. But sometimes the past can repeat itself and sometimes a person needs to break those playback loops so they stop having power in their lives.

----------


## takethebiscuit

> We found some pictures in the attic while cleaning it out. A _lot_ of pictures. Lots of old class photos from elementary school and such. Going through them, I realized that I remembered each of those years by one or several unpleasant memories. They overshadowed the positive ones, even when I was that young and oblivious to my issues. The memories of being afraid are the ones that stuck with me. I know that I had fond memories from ALL of those years. All of them. But hell if I can remember. :/



The memories of being afraid are the ones that stuck with you. And you know you have fond memories from ALL of those years. All of them. Those fond memories are yours. Have you ever had the experience of suddenly remembering a positive memory that you thought you'd forgotten? We all have things we forget only to find and delight in later.

If you want some help finding those fond memories, drop me a PM.

----------


## Antidote

Tomorrow.

----------


## Evo1114

I still have to try and meet people before my therapy appointment next Tuesday.  Ugh.  I'm thinking about volunteering at a local garden...but I highly doubt I'd meet anybody anywhere near my own age there.  Which is probably fine, but if I'm doing something like this for the first time ever, I'd prefer that I'd be able to meet people close to my age.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

Sore throat  ::(:

----------


## Fallen18

Just bawled my eyes out by myself in a parking lot over how lonely I am. I missed the last day of HS with all the people I've grown up with, missed the last bus ride months ago, I'm missing graduation, prom and at the end of today I had to go when everyone left to take a final by myself in a school that was empty accept for the occasional teacher. Gosh why am I so messed up. X)

----------


## kc1895

> I still have to try and meet people before my therapy appointment next Tuesday.  Ugh.  I'm thinking about volunteering at a local garden...but I highly doubt I'd meet anybody anywhere near my own age there.  Which is probably fine, but if I'm doing something like this for the first time ever, I'd prefer that I'd be able to meet people close to my age.



it sounds like you have assignments from your therapist too? I didn't do mine this week either and I see her in a few days :/ I always hate disappointing her.

----------


## James

Fear and anxiety are once again holding me hostage.  There are so many things I need to, want to be doing.  And as usual I'm talking myself out of them all.  I'm really never going to change.  I'm going to die this way.  Totally, and completely alone.

----------


## L

So my boyfriend said something about E3, trying to show an interest I googled it, gaming stuff now he is trying to talk about it with me.....I don't know the difference between an Xbox and a PlayStation....

----------


## VickieKitties

It sucks to be too negative to have positive interactions with other humans.   Why do I even bother trying to make friends?

----------


## Air Caterpillar

I don't ever want to leave my bed again  ::(:

----------


## Antidote

Tomorrow.

----------


## Evo1114

> Just bawled my eyes out by myself in a parking lot over how lonely I am. I missed the last day of HS with all the people I've grown up with, missed the last bus ride months ago, I'm missing graduation, prom and at the end of today I had to go when everyone left to take a final by myself in a school that was empty accept for the occasional teacher. Gosh why am I so messed up. X)



 ::(: 

That's too bad.  Just remember that in a few short years (maybe even sooner), this will be a distant memory and you may even forget all about all of this.  I hope you feel better.   :Hug:

----------


## Evo1114

> it sounds like you have assignments from your therapist too? I didn't do mine this week either and I see her in a few days :/ I always hate disappointing her.



Yeah, kind of.  Not really 'assignments' per se, but I know if I don't do them, I'll have to hear about how I need to 'get myself out there, find some groups to join, and be around people'.   ::):   So it is kind of like homework in that we can't move on from me being a hermit to continue addressing other aspects of my social anxiety.

----------


## Ironman

There is always homework somewhere.

 I spent over three hours on the phone yesterday (2 1/2 hours of precious daytime minutes) and an hour free, talking to the DSL people about my connection after a storm yesterday.  Both implied that I need a new modem.  I went to WalMart (Kmart closed at 10pm) to buy new cables and installed them.....then the second call after noting that I had no Internet at all.  They reset some settings and I am still connected, but not so well.  They plan on sending a guy on Friday (my request)...while I see if my connection holds.  So far so good 0- but EXHAUSTING.

You know it's a triumph when an extrovert says that he couldn't have done it.

----------


## Otherside

And I am in a depressive downward spiral, for the eighhundreth time, and I just want to hide away in bed and never get whilst, and yet I feel enough of a lazy good for nothing as it is.

----------


## whiteman

My back hurts worse than usual-lol. I hope the surf sucks because I'm not going to be surfing, and it's going to be torture if it actually gets good. Fortunately, the forecast sucks...

----------


## Air Caterpillar

I ate a lot today. Feeling depressed, lonely, shitty, ugly, nervous, used, stupid, alone, fat, lazy, tired and upset. Not because I ate a lot, that was a separate statement. Well it has a little to do with that. Anyways I just feel like fuckingshitballs

----------


## berlingot

i think i pissed off someone online, but i'm too afraid to ask if it was really me.

----------


## Koalafan

Feeling incredibly depressed and awful...just one of those days where Im amazed anyone would want to be friends with someone like me.

----------


## L

Insect bites on my legs ICKY AS [BEEP]  ::(:

----------


## Koalafan

Bah! Got a heat rash =/

----------


## L

Dad decided to tell me that he loves me, he is drunk and has never done that before, hewas trying to apolagise for making me wait an hour and a half while he was in the pub. I want to sleep not be up at 2am

----------


## VickieKitties

Depressed times a million, I can't believe you would call this vanity.  So tired of everything.

----------


## kc1895

> Feeling incredibly depressed and awful...just one of those days where Im amazed anyone would want to be friends with someone like me.



You sound like a wonderful person.  I would not question why anybody would want to be friends with you!

----------


## L

meeting people about my new job - ek!

----------


## compulsive

Its controlling me again  :bricks:

----------


## Otherside

This kid on my Facebook who I get the feeling is faking schizophrenia is really beginning to pis me off. I feel really guilty for having this feeling. I never tell anyone to there face there a faker. But some things just don't add up. Why did she tell me it was not okay to joke about "mental disorders"? I do. I don't take the pis and I don't joke about anything I don't have, but how is joking about bipolar or anxiety undermining it when I have it and sometimes laughing about it is the only thing that somewhat keeps me sane about the whole thing. What she was doing on my Tumblr, I'll never know. But I'm not replying to her. But thats my tumblr account, wrecked. Time to block her, time to get a new one. And there was only one person in real life who knew my Tumblr name and obviously, she's got through to mine through there.

Okay, so I guess if you knew me in real life, you _might_ be able to tell that that was my Tumblr. But its bugging me that I'm gonna have to get a new one. All because of this person I suspect is faking Schizophrenia, posting day in day out excessivly about it on Facebook, posting about how she's going to kill everyone, posting the "voices" on Facebook...and then posting sucesses such as getting a new job and going out to sixty three million parties and doing exams.

And here I am, stuck at home, not doing much. I've heard voices before. That's a fact. I've been psychotic. Sometimes during my depressive state, I am psychotic. I was in December last year. I have bipolar disorder, I hate it, it's more an "illness" than a "mental disorder", I can't hold down a job, I can't even leave the house for more than a few hours at a time without being irritated, and...it's pissing. me. off. I'm on six meds at the momment. For some people, that's a small amount to be on, I know. For me, it's a lot and it's making me feel like shit. And this person is taking sanity for granted? How dare she!!!

----------


## Chantellabella

I obviously have a lot of rage built up in me because one little thing today made me so angry I wanted to snap somebody's neck. That kind of anger isn't good. 

I think it's a delayed reaction to feeling something the other day. Remembering a rape and feeling the terror. 

Now I've moved into the realm of being overly sensitive to anything my ex-bullying boss does. 

I have to get rid of my anger.

----------


## Monotony

I cant even get a proper nights sleep anymore I just wake up as tired as I was when I went to sleep.  :hit wall:

----------


## James

I'm really, really worried about my oldest daughter.  She's been cutting herself. 

Fuck.  I don't know what to do.  I'm trying to find a psychiatrist that will see her tomorrow.

I feel so....incredibly....guilty.

For not being able to really help her.  Because this feels like it's my fault.

----------


## whiteman

> Why did she tell me it was not okay to joke about "mental disorders"? I do. I don't take the pis and I don't joke about anything I don't have, but how is joking about bipolar or anxiety undermining it when I have it* and sometimes laughing about it is the only thing that somewhat keeps me sane about the whole thing*.



Hey me too. I joke about my mental illness all the time and I was just thinking today, joking about my mental illness is the only reason I'm still alive today. The only time I've ever been somewhat upset about someone joking about my mental illness is when someone, who is not mentally ill, said on another mental health website that what I believe doesn't matter because I don't know what reality is in general because I'm mentally ill even though my facts were solid, 15 of the 16 editors of vogue are indeed female. Other than that, I've never really cared. 

Although, I cared when christians told me to grow up, man up, be a man, and get a job after I lost my job because I got hurt and I couldn't even sit in chair for any legth of time and I graduated with honors with a degree in chemistry and biology and I earned one of two high distinctions in applied molecular biology and I paid for my first two years of college by volunteering for a job where I earned a stipend that amounted to three dollars an hour and most of my co-workers were using drugs, I was bullied, and it was misereable, but I stuck it out anyways to earn the scholarship because I wanted that bad to be successful. I cared about that-lol.

----------


## Meadowlark

Two of my worlds collided today... it was not good.

----------


## Still Waters

A member on another site who constantly tells little stories and asides to ensure that everyone knows how attractive she is -All done inadvertently(because naturally she would never stoop that low)  IF someone's lovely,I'm sure they'll get sufficient attention for it -but TELLING everyone that you're beautiful only makes you come across as ugly and pathetic.  ESPECIALLY,when the person is no kid and should have understood that bit of common sense a loooooong time ago.  People seem to endlessly pine for three things-pity,compliments and complete agreement from others that their opinions are sheer perfection.

----------


## whiteman

> A member on another site who constantly tells little stories and asides to ensure that everyone knows how attractive she is -All done inadvertently(because naturally she would never stoop that low)  IF someone's lovely,I'm sure they'll get sufficient attention for it -but TELLING everyone that you're beautiful only makes you come across as ugly and pathetic.  ESPECIALLY,when the person is no kid and should have understood that bit of common sense a loooooong time ago.  People seem to endlessly pine for three things-pity,compliments and complete agreement from others that their opinions are sheer perfection.



Maybe forums aren't for you because people generally talk about their problems on sites like this and it seems like you lack empathy?

I've never, "pined" for pity. I don't want anything to do with anyone-including their pity or their condemnation, and I don't give a flying [BEEP] if people agree with me or not, but I agree my opinions are sheer perfection.  ::D:

----------


## whiteman

I ate too much pizza now I feel like shit.

----------


## Daveyboy

Just got back from 7-11 (convenience store) and realized my pocket t-shirt was on backwards.. 
What is wrong with me not to notice that...

Actually now that I think of it it's kind of funny....

----------


## compulsive

As soon as it gets a bit better it all comes back to drag me down. [BEEP] you OCD.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

I feel depressed and I'm not sure if i should work or not. Half an hour to decide.
...and now I'm really nervous to call
...well that was painfully awkward. Ha. At least its done though. Back to sleep.

----------


## L

Very busy day at work....legs are sore

----------


## kc1895

Heteronormity: "Do you have a boyfriend? ... I'm sure you'll find one soon."

----------


## L

> Very busy day at work....legs are sore



Heals, ankles and knees hurt so much - I need better shoes even though I paid 80euro for my current work shoes.

----------


## compulsive

Images making me really depressed  :O_O:

----------


## Chantellabella

> A member on another site who constantly tells little stories and asides to ensure that everyone knows how attractive she is -All done inadvertently(because naturally she would never stoop that low)  IF someone's lovely,I'm sure they'll get sufficient attention for it -but TELLING everyone that you're beautiful only makes you come across as ugly and pathetic.  ESPECIALLY,when the person is no kid and should have understood that bit of common sense a loooooong time ago.  People seem to endlessly pine for three things-pity,compliments and complete agreement from others that their opinions are sheer perfection.



I'm surprised that someone would tell others that they are beautiful. Makes me wonder if they're having self esteem problems and need assurance of their worth. 

Anyway, it sounds like you're pretty frustrated, my friend.  :Hug:   It's good to see you around. I haven't seen you in awhile.

----------


## Koalafan

> You sound like a wonderful person.  I would not question why anybody would want to be friends with you!



Aww thank you kc!!  :Celebrate:   :Hug:

----------


## Air Caterpillar

My ankle is hurting and I can't think of what I did to make it feel that way

----------


## Sharpies

I really wish I hadn't shut out all of my friends. I thought I had a chance this way, but now I'm just completely alone, and I still can't leave my house.

----------


## kc1895

> I really wish I hadn't shut out all of my friends. I thought I had a chance this way, but now I'm just completely alone, and I still can't leave my house.



 :Hug:

----------


## compulsive

Flashbacks inducing fear of future situation. Its like some kind of conspiracy going on in my brain.  :argue:   ::     Please die. Tired of having conversations several years back ( TIME TRAVEL Is NOT FUN..) with people I no longer speak to and fighting with them  :Gun:  :Crossed Arms:  . About minor things.

----------


## Still Waters

> Maybe forums aren't for you because people generally talk about their problems on sites like this and it seems like you lack empathy?
> 
> I've never, "pined" for pity. I don't want anything to do with anyone-including their pity or their condemnation, and I don't give a flying [BEEP] if people agree with me or not, but I agree my opinions are sheer perfection.



My comment was about what was bothering ME-I didn't start a thread asking for opinions/input -Should I require any though -I'll be sure to ask you,as you seem overly generous in that department.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

Lonely

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> Lonely



I was feeling an inordinate amount of that today myself, among other things. High five! Â¬_Â¬

----------


## Chantellabella

I'm beginning to think that there is no such thing as nice people. Is it that people are all self-centered and therefore don't even hear what they say to others? Or are they just vengeful? All I know is I'm ready to just hide away from the world again and not ever bother to try anymore.

----------


## whiteman

> My comment was about what was bothering ME-I didn't start a thread asking for opinions/input -Should I require any though -I'll be sure to ask you,as you seem overly generous in that department.



Thanks! You're right. I am very generous. You're welcome!  :Kiss: 



Anytime you need an opinion, you know where to come  :Wave: 

And just because someone is attractive doesn't mean they can't have social anxiety, and sometimes being good looking isn't a good thing when you have SA because people who are prejudiced and are in positions of authority can and do take advantage of their authority to bully attractive people with SA.  :Birthday:

----------


## compulsive

:Gun:  :: 

Tired of not understanding what is appropriate and what is not appropriate.

Am I getting better at comping with this, or is it another mood swing?

----------


## GunnyHighway

Dreams about my ex are starting to get to me...I can't fathom why either, I don't know what's triggering them.

----------


## Still Waters

> Thanks! You're right. I am very generous. You're welcome! 
> 
> 
> 
> Anytime you need an opinion, you know where to come 
> 
> And just because someone is attractive doesn't mean they can't have social anxiety, and sometimes being good looking isn't a good thing when you have SA because people who are prejudiced and are in positions of authority can and do take advantage of their authority to bully attractive people with SA.



I'm fully aware that SA can affect anyone and doesn't simply affect those with particular characteristics.  You seem like an exhausting "know it all" type.  I can relate,as I'm mostly always right too -It annoys people,but what can you do?!?  Thanks for the birthday wishes,Comrade!

----------


## VickieKitties

Is this the most depressed I've ever been? Feels like I'm getting good at it.

----------


## whiteman

> Thanks for the birthday wishes,Comrade!



It's never too early or too late to wish someone a happy birthday!  ::D:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

An old work buddy texted me earlier and we chatted back and forth for a bit. While I'm not _always_ a terrible conversationalist, I'm pretty sure that I was today. And I'm not sure if I was supposed to ask her to hang out or something, but I didn't. I think my larger issue is not knowing what to tell people when they ask how you've been. Long time, no talk. How've you been holding up? You can't very well tell them the truth. Not how you really feel. I've developed a major dislike for these questions from people IRL. I know it's only a social norm, but it annoys me nonetheless. You aren't allowed to say: today was terrible. You can't say: I got out of bed two hours late, not because I was tired, but because I figured sleep would be the best part of my day and I wanted to prolong that. You can't say: I forced my way through a half-assed workout routine all the while figuring it was pointless. All the while mentally insulting every aspect of my body. You can't say: I spent the rest of the day fighting off negative thoughts ping-ponging around in my stupid head. You can't say: I'm really, really sick of doing all of this.

What you can say is: I've been good, how about you.

It's the biggest lie I've ever told.

----------


## whiteman

Coke. I keep drinking coke. I'm fat, but I've had a coke everyday for the last four days.

----------


## Monotony

Another crappy summer  :Sleep:

----------


## Air Caterpillar

> Coke. I keep drinking coke. I'm fat, but I've had a coke everyday for the last four days.



Could you drink diet coke?

----------


## compulsive

> I'm beginning to think that there is no such thing as nice people. Is it that people are all self-centered and therefore don't even hear what they say to others? Or are they just vengeful? All I know is I'm ready to just hide away from the world again and not ever bother to try anymore.



Well is it possible that they just make mistakes? Because even trying to be careful I still hurt other people when saying things. Its not really worth it to have SA to stop from saying offensive things sometimes. 

Theres a problem in society where we cant express emotions so we dont know when others are hurt and they cant tell that we are hurt. So we have to express our hurt using words.

lots of people are self centered, but they do have good qualities too. And there are people who are genuinely nice around   ::):

----------


## compulsive

Flashbacks and present situations. Tired of feeling scared and alone all of the time.

----------


## Otherside

Everybodies finished exams and it's the end of college. And here I am, sat am home, with bipolar disorder and anxiety playing up, wondering why the [BEEP] this had to happen to me, and with a letter sitting next to me informing me that I have to see my psychiatrist next week. Fucking brilliant. And what am I doing next year? No idea. Absolutley no idea. And I'm almost to scared to research incase I fail. Incase things go downhill again. 

Facebook is just making me want to cry this morning. I'm sure there's people out there that have it worse, but I don't want to hear that. My own situation is currently hell, and it's not so great, whether it's "the worst or not". Why did it have to be me???

----------


## Chantellabella

> Well is it possible that they just make mistakes? Because even trying to be careful I still hurt other people when saying things. Its not really worth it to have SA to stop from saying offensive things sometimes. 
> 
> Theres a problem in society where we cant express emotions so we dont know when others are hurt and they cant tell that we are hurt. So we have to express our hurt using words.
> 
> lots of people are self centered, but they do have good qualities too. And there are people who are genuinely nice around



These people don't have SA. They're petty and jealous and rather than take the responsibility for their own actions, they would rather blame others for their "excuse" to be a bully. I'm not accepting any more excuses for people's bad behavior.

----------


## Otherside

^
Excuses? No. Understanding? yes, but that's about as far as I can go really. I've never tried to excuse my behavior, but sometimes, I wouldn't mind a little understanding from people. That's all I ask for. A lot of people don't let me have it, it seems. As if I don't feel [BEEP] about it afterwards. 

That's one thing I've noticed. The majority of "mentally ill" people apologize. We don't just say "Fuck it, I'm Bipolar, deal with it, I'm not apologizing". I try and apologize, but I hate it when I have to apologize again and again and again to people for things I don't even remember doing in the first place, then told I don't seem "sincere" or it "doesn't seem like I mean it".

I stupidly made a thread on the othersite. One response was "shut the [BEEP] up" from a guy that said "he was totally mentally ill" and that proceeded to use the thread to moan about how [BEEP] people were and then used the "well other people are rude" excuse that a five year old would use. Another was "you don't have it the worst" and I was just like "christ, I don't suggest that I _do."_ I've almost given up apologizing to people when I do something when I'm in a mood swing and I don't/barely remember doing it, because honestly, I don't seem to be getting any understanding, and it's only making me depressed when people do.

Sorry, that's probably not what you were expecting. Just thought I'd go for a whole mental type out there. Just had to think a lot lately about whether it's even worth apologizing to a lot of people lately, especially if it's just making me feel like absolute crap after I try and sort things and they decide I'm not "trying hard enough".

----------


## compulsive

[BEEP] it! I only remember important things after I need them and I dont know if its a real memory or not. [BEEP]!!!

----------


## Antidote

The amount of stupidity that spews forth from the keyboards of people online. I honestly wonder what they'd do it they had the vaguest semblance of insight into how stupefying and idiotic they are. If I were them I'd be ashamed and disgusted with myself. Then I'd never have offspring, to ensure that my imbecility died with me and wasn't propagated into the world to contribute to the downfall of the human race.

----------


## TheDarkness

> The amount of stupidity that spews forth from the keyboards of people online. I honestly wonder what they'd do it they had the vaguest semblance of insight into how stupefying and idiotic they are. If I were them I'd be ashamed and disgusted with myself. Then I'd never have offspring, to ensure that my imbecility died with me and wasn't propagated into the world to contribute to the downfall of the human race.



I hear you on that one. You know I often entertain myself with the idea that if they ever somehow understood just how stupid they are, they would spontaneously combust. But not right away. Only when they reach the climax of their idiocy, when then say the stupidest thing you ever heard. That`s when they should explode. At the apex of their ignorance. For it is that moment.. that.. point in their "evolution".. is when I think nature should own up to its mistake, and make their heads go * splat *. For if they exploded sooner, there may be a sense of doubt left after them. Because you see, if they exploded -before- saying their stupidest remark to date, someone out there may mistake them for a real person which has emotions, family, friends, a name and a history. They may be regarded as an equally valued intelligent lifeform which is cared for. And therefore, they may be mourned. And if that happens, it may even reach the point where people will start blaming each other, and start questioning themselves and their actions. There could be tears. However, if they "disappeared" at the point where everyone hates them, all that will be left is some minor confusion and a sense of shock. "how did he explode?", "why did he explode?", "isn't it ironic that he just exploded? wow that was crazy!", "hey I wonder when True-Blood comes on!". And if this was something that happened to all stupid people on a global basis, it would become just another aspect of life. An.. "idiot-cancer", if you will. You know, something that would probably scare kids into staying is school. Thus, contributing to humanity.

Simplicity incarnate, if you will. A simple end, to a simple person.
Grated this is a bit morbid. But wouldn't it be a funny thought? I think it is.
 :popcorn:

----------


## Dreamer

stressed.

----------


## whiteman

::D:

----------


## Koalafan

Just found out my uncle passed away  ::(: . Even though I never really knew him that much he's still family and it's still a punch to the gut =/

----------


## Chantellabella

> Just found out my uncle passed away . Even though I never really knew him that much he's still family and it's still a punch to the gut =/



Sorry to hear that.  :Hug:

----------


## compulsive

Due to nothing less than my own laziness and ignorance I have not done a daily mood diary and now I cannot pin point where my mood swings are coming from. I have now accepted there is some cyclical element. Is it even the anxiety disorder though? Or am I just triggering myself? Is my inability to self sooth the reason I am having these mood swings?

Bad memory is back. The same time maladaptive daydreaming and anxiety comes back. Anxiety -->Daydreaming --> bad memory.

----------


## compulsive

The real world doesnt feel real

----------


## VickieKitties

Family function today, yuck.

----------


## Member11

> Family function today, yuck.



 :Hug:

----------


## TheDarkness

> If it wasn't for, "the amount of stupidity that spews forth from the keyboards of people online," where would you and Caleb go to feel superior to people?



Oh id go anywhere if it meant being closer to you! are you... sure you wanna do this?  :Giggle:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Daily doses of paranoia.

----------


## whiteman

> Daily doses of paranoia.



I had my daily dose today to: It started with fear of being judged by other surfers, then it was fear one was going to run me over when I was paddling back out, then I was all alone 200 meters from shore and I was paranoid if my leash broke I would have to swim, then a seal popped up and I thought it was a shark at first, so I had shark paranoia, then some people showed up and I was paranoid about being judged, then I guy almost ran me over with a big huge longboard and then he said something to me I couldn't make out

longboarders are so annoying they thinh their awsome surfers, but longboarding is easy compared to shortboarding, but they have attitudes like they're awsome surfers. Yeah you can catch more waves than me. yeah you can out paddle me and yeah it's because your board is 4 feet longer than my board-scumbags

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> The memories of being afraid are the ones that stuck with you. And you know you have fond memories from ALL of those years. All of them. Those fond memories are yours. Have you ever had the experience of suddenly remembering a positive memory that you thought you'd forgotten? We all have things we forget only to find and delight in later.
> 
> If you want some help finding those fond memories, drop me a PM.



Oops, I meant to reply to this a lot sooner but I deleted the notification email and it never crossed my mind again. Please accept this cute smiley:  :: 

I'll have moments of remembering fond experiences, but they sorta pale in comparison. You might be glad to hear that I wracked my brain for at least one positive memory from each of those years and tried to hold onto that instead. The pictures are in the basement now. Usually those positive memories surface from objects - I guess I get attached to things. Pictures not so much, so I'm quite okay with storing them away.

----------


## Otherside

So I finally snapped...again, breaking down after the college thought to send the end-of-year photo that was taken after I was unwell and signed off sick. And I borke down, and told my Mum I couldn't stand leaving the house much at the mo and dealing with going into town and picking up my meds because everyone is irritating me...and I really don't want to punch some random person the street. It's scary when I think about how much Propranolol I was on, and much I've cut down, it what, two months? I'm down to two a day now, and that's the one I'm running out of. I suppose coming off it wouldn't be so bad...but heck, since the anxiety is beginning to return, probably best to try and get them at some point...

How, I don't know. 

I guess I'm setting my PDoc again, can never pronounce his name...I suppose called him Batty probably is a bit rude, but I have no idea how I'm supposed to pronounce it and get it wrong anyway.

----------


## James

I've been having a lot of flashbacks lately.  Mostly of the night before and morning that she died.  Really, really vivid memories...a lot of the time I end up feeling the way that I felt that day, all over again.  It's like I'm reliving it all, over and over again.  At least the nightmares have stopped, for now.  I can't believe how different my life is now that she's gone.  I'm not even the same person.  I have the next few days off, & no idea what I'm going to do with myself.  Lots of time alone.  To think.  To remember.  Remembering some things better off forgotten I guess.  Somehow I think time alone to think is NOT what I need right now.  I'm thinking about seeing a movie (by myself of course) though I know I'll end up wishing that she was with me the whole time.  Anyways maybe it's worth a try....something to pass some time and keep my mind busy.  It's inevitable though, no matter how I try to distract, at some point over the next few days I will end up thinking too much, about things that I cannot do anything about.  It's impossible to try NOT to think about something.

----------


## whiteman

The amount of [BEEP] you have to endure when you're a civil and equal rights activist

----------


## compulsive

Reallllly anxiousssssssssss

----------


## Member11

Got boo-boos  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

Right...I actually have to go into town. Here comes the anxiety, fun fun fun...

I suppose it's better than sitting on my [BEEP] all day long on my laptop.  :Mega Shock:

----------


## WintersTale

Why do I feel like I haven't slept at all?

----------


## Antidote

I have the really weird allergy thing going on in the back of my nose. Also, I feel like I have a strained muscle in my abdomen. It's been there for months. Won't get better.

----------


## Otherside

^Wouldn't have been that long ago that many of us here would have told we were possesed by demons, outcasted, tortured, and probably killed in a pretty painful way. Wait...still happens today.

Well I'm mentally ill and I'm still...me. There's no demons in my head. Just me.

----------


## whiteman

^ wasn't it just like around 50 years ago psychiatrists were giving mentally ill people labotamies

----------


## Arthur Dent

Loneliness and hopelessness of course.

----------


## James

I'm beyond depressed.  I left depressed in the rear view mirror miles ago.  And feeling very lonely.  And hopeless.  The kind of hopelessness that suggests that my situation is never going to get better, and the only way out is death.  This is the kind of hopelessness that is wearing my soul thin.

----------


## whiteman

My business partner got pissed for something that doesn't even matter. I forgot to pick up printer ink so I can send my biography to an art gallery that's displaying my art, but the gallery doesn't even open for like two weeks, and I can pick up the ink anytime until then. eye:roll

----------


## Sadeyes

Anxiety.panic.anxiety

----------


## Monotony

Summers bad enough with out this horrible heat.  :damn kids: 

My back is like bonded to the leather of my chair.

----------


## WintersTale

My air conditioner and Roland piano keyboard collided. Dents on both, I am so pissed.

----------


## compulsive

I hate my life. Even applying for jobs online makes me extremely anxious and fearful. I start getting images and flashbacks as well. Why does this of all things have to be one of my biggest fears ? FML!!!

----------


## VickieKitties

I give up.

----------


## Antidote

Have a horrible flu. And my ocd traits are getting worse.

----------


## meeps

pleeeeease don't be siiick!  : (  : (  : (

----------


## Antidote

My lamp burnt a black spot into the wall. I also smelled a plastic / burning smell coming from it which triggered by contamination ocd.

----------


## kc1895

> My lamp burnt a black spot into the wall. I also smelled a plastic / burning smell coming from it which triggered by contamination ocd.



 ::  That sounds quite out of the ordinary.

----------


## compulsive

The mood swings now happening several times in one day. I feel sick of doing anything.

----------


## compulsive

Im shaking right now. My mood bank is in a recession.

----------


## Chantellabella

I get so annoyed with haters. In my opinion, they hate others because they hate themselves. This world would be so much nicer if all the haters got a big heaping dose of therapy.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

I woke up feeling really depressed, hopeless, and helpless for various reasons. Hopefully it'll fade so I can try to enjoy the rest of my day.

----------


## merc

I feel like I totally wasted years and years of my life and am still so uncertain and scared of what I should do.

----------


## Chantellabella

It's so hectic at work. I have trouble calming down when I get home. I truly don't know why people think librarians sit there all day in quiet and read. Maybe adult librarians can do that, but not a child/teen librarian. I can't even find time to read at home much less read even an email at work.

----------


## Antidote

My god that place has become pathetic.

----------


## mightypillow

I can't get anything organized.

----------


## Sparrow

My neck.  Shoulder stand yoga pose somehow hurt it...I won't be doing that anymore.

----------


## whiteman

My roomate freaked out on me because my studio and room aren't perfectly tidy. She has OCD. This is a picture of a bush she, "trimmed"

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I think if I have to fake another emotion my head's going to explode.

----------


## whiteman

I should've just said I would pick things up, but it really wasn't that bad. Everything is where I want it, but it didn't matter. She wanted things done, and she wanted them done right now-lol. Eventually, I just said I would pick things up, but I wasn't going to do it tonight. Then I smoked a cigar-lol. It's kind of funny. When she sees me smoke a cigar(outside) she says she can smell it everywhere, in the house, on my clothes, everywhere, but when she doesn't see me, she doesn't say a thing-lol.

----------


## whiteman

I took care of her after she had back surgery, and she was just brutal, and she's never apologized for that, and her backs been hurting again, so I guess she can do whatever she wants when she's hurting even though I've had a bad back for over twenty years and I've never taken it out on anyone???

----------


## Air Caterpillar

I ate way too much today :/

----------


## compulsive

I keep seeing angry faces of people I know glaring at me  ::(: .

----------


## Antidote

I woke up feeling really spaced out. I hate days like today.

----------


## mackemdezzy

i want to die and that blue screen of death i got a short time ago thats really bothering me  :Mega Shock:

----------


## kc1895

"Because death is so full and man so small".

----------


## compulsive

Its been an entire week and im still afraid to check one of my email accounts.

----------


## kc1895

> Its been an entire week and im still afraid to check one of my email accounts.



Why are you afraid to check it?

----------


## compulsive

> Why are you afraid to check it?



Certain emails I don't want to see, reponses from people. Plus I don't want to respond to them either..

----------


## compulsive

I started writing down some of my anxiety experiences and my heart started racing like I was in the situation.  :O_O: 

I am however kind of glad that anxiety and self suppression of memories to reduce anxiety is the reason behind my really bad memory. Im glad its not something that cant be fixed.

----------


## Monotony

Oh your in a good mood? I'm going to act like a fucking [BEEP] and then say your acting like a prick when I'm the one being a cunt. Oh gtfo faggot.

----------


## Meadowlark

Things that I did and said four years ago still mortify me as if they happened yesterday.

----------


## Antidote

> my appearance, my demeanor.  If I could, I'd walk around with a sheet over me.



Yes, I was thinking the other day I wouldn't actually mind wearing a burka.





> Its been an entire week and im still afraid to check one of my email accounts.



I'm currently dealing with the same issue.





> Things that I did and said four years ago still mortify me as if they happened yesterday.



I know that feeling.


In other news, I went for a jog and got triggered when I went past a pile of debris in front of a house. Have to clean my hair and my clothes again and they were already clean. Also got triggered earlier today when I dropped some stuff on the floor. Can't tell if OCD is getting worse.

----------


## merc

I'm just having such a sucky kind of day. I'm trying hard to pretend it's just one day, but it's kind of just like my entire life is this way. Time to go out and cut some grass.

----------


## Still Waters

Groceries are getting low -I won't be starving,or anything like that-but it's getting a little depressing to see certain items running out or low.  I've got a family member who's struggling right now,so I'm trying to give them every dollar I can-never had quite so much room in the freezer and pantry.  I'm trying not to let it get to me,but it ain't easy.  By next weekend,I can hopefully restock.

----------


## Koalafan

4 hours of grueling yard work! Time to take a koala nap

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Oral fixation. Bit all the nails off my left hand to the point where my fingers are sore. What the hell is wrong with me that it's so hard to stop doing this? It's bad enough I bite the insides of my cheeks. I remember the look I got from the dentist last visit. The "you've got a problem, don't you?" look. Guess I should buy more gum.

----------


## Antidote

I feel so nauseous. And I'm procrastinating again.

----------


## compulsive

Fake memories and that OCD creating fear in my head. Also poor memory is back. I cant remember a lot of important things I should.

Ugh this is bullshit! Why does this have to be the compulsion? I would need to monitor my own thoughts constantly to pick up on it  :O_O:  And why the [BEEP] does it make me extremely depressed rather than anxious?

----------


## Total Eclipse

I feel very nauseous and HORRID head ache... please.go.away.or.kill.me.now.

----------


## Noca

^ Huggsss

----------


## James

I miss someone so much, so badly right now that it hurts.

----------


## Chantellabella

I feel very stupid. Extremely stupid.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

being ditched 3 nights in a row by your best friend when she said she'd watch your favourite movies with you..... hurts.

----------


## Antidote

OMG why is my computer so slow.  :argh:

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

The usual stuff. Lonely, jobless, hopeless, blah blah blah.

----------


## Otherside

On a letter, my father was referred to as my step father. I am sure that I said he was my actual, biological father...where did they get stepfather from???

----------


## compulsive

the thoughts I keep getting are scaring me

----------


## DarenA38

Feeling kind of pressure into letting my 18 year old nephew move in with me, and to be honest I'm not really liking the idea.

His mum and sisters are living 100 miles away and he wants to stay in Leicester to be close to his girlfriend, so in a word he has made himself homeless.

My benefits have just been sorted out after moving to a new property and this would open up all kinds of issues due to him looking for work and paying me to stay and I just want a simple life and with him being 18 and wanting his girlfriend over to stay and all that!!  :: 


I need to find a way of telling him No! without it sounding bad!!  :Ninja:

----------


## Still Waters

I went on Facebook and snooped on an old boyfriend.- Brought up lots of sadness and longing -painful "what ifs".  Now all I want to do is log back in and stare at his pictures some more! -Facebook has never been kind to me,I think the devil himself designed that site.

----------


## compulsive

I wish I didn't have an anxiety disorder  ::(: . Just thinking about how other people spend so much time with their friends having fun, makes me sad because I want it too  ::(:

----------


## compulsive

Bad thoughts, seeing people say bad things to me  ::(:

----------


## Sagan

I am hungry and have no food. too afraid to go out to get something  ::(:

----------


## L

Allergies, I can't breath through my nose

----------


## Chantellabella

Mgftgrr..............mother frackin.........mdfrggrrrr........................  people..................ffttteppphehfgfrrrrrr.....  ..................stupid...................just no smiley mad enough
.............................frgddddgrr...........  ........................................parents...  ..................grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr  rrrrrrrrr..................................AHHHHHH  HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Seriously.....................if any of you ever become like the parents I've encountered of a certain teen today, I will personally travel to your country and beat you with a stop sign. 


I mean it. 

So don't ever do that!!!!!!!!!!!!


When your teen makes a mistake, encourage him to apologize and fix said mistake. 

Do not encourage him to instead whine to you that he was told he made a mistake and then get up into the teen librarian's face and scream loudly at her for 20 minutes in front of small children!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Your child will be a failure for the rest of his life because of you two parents. No, I mean seriously.  

He will never take responsibility for his actions and you will have to bail him out of jail weekly. And of course somebody on this planet will have killed you both with blunt objects and mounted your heads on flag poles. 

Believe me, if that was allowed, you would be reading this from the flag pole at this very moment.

----------


## Chantellabella

And........................

My stupid cat just barfed on my desk chair!!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------


## Koalafan

^  :Hug:  huggggsss!!!!!

Bah...just spent a horribly awkward 4 hours at my friends bbq....when he mentioned there would free food he left out the part that I would have to "mingle" for 3 painfully awkward hours with other people Ive never seen before the food was even done =/

----------


## kc1895

> ^  huggggsss!!!!!
> 
> Bah...just spent a horribly awkward 4 hours at my friends bbq....when he mentioned there would free food he left out the part that I would have to "mingle" for 3 painfully awkward hours with other people Ive never seen before the food was even done =/



Aww I feel ya.  I'm still glad you went though.

----------


## Still Waters

> Mgftgrr..............mother frackin.........mdfrggrrrr........................  people..................ffttteppphehfgfrrrrrr.....  ..................stupid...................just no smiley mad enough
> .............................frgddddgrr...........  ........................................parents...  ..................grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr  rrrrrrrrr..................................AHHHHHH  HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
> 
> Seriously.....................if any of you ever become like the parents I've encountered of a certain teen today, I will personally travel to your country and beat you with a stop sign. 
> 
> 
> I mean it. 
> 
> So don't ever do that!!!!!!!!!!!!
> ...



That IS horrible -I know it comes as a shocker,to realize your kid isn't perfect -but looking the other way and/or encouraging the jerkish behavior does him NO favors.  I pity the people that will have to deal with this entitled little punk.

----------


## Chantellabella

> That IS horrible -I know it comes as a shocker,to realize your kid isn't perfect -but looking the other way and/or encouraging the jerkish behavior does him NO favors.  I pity the people that will have to deal with this entitled little punk.



But it wasn't the kid who talked to me this way. It was the parents! Right in front of every kid in our youth library. The teen just sat there with a smug look like "see? you were wrong to tell me I made that mistake." I fired him from our teen staff with the blessing of our library director.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Here I am...awake 4 hours before I need to be. I'm having recurring dreams of my ex as of lately and it's starting to scare me. I was doing fine for many months and now this. Why is my brain so weird  :Crossed Arms:

----------


## Otherside

^ :Hug:

----------


## Koalafan

I feel like Im all alone and terribly isolated

----------


## Chantellabella

> I feel like Im all alone and terribly isolated



 :Hug:  my koala friend.

----------


## Koalafan

Thanks cindy  :Hug:

----------


## Coffee

Sometimes you can be such a fucking [BEEP] it isn't even funny. The word [BEEP] doesn't even begin to explain your behaviour. Age is no excuse.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Sometimes you can be such a fucking [BEEP] it isn't even funny. The word [BEEP] doesn't even begin to explain your behaviour. Age is no excuse.



 :Hug: 


Wanna know what happened? The music library that I have compiled for 5 years (bought) for my story times, got locked by some new software program. I can't get to my songs and so I will have to find every dang song again, put it on the laptop at work and burn new cds. The IT person doesn't care and even laughed at the situation. My boss is having a cow that I want to create a library on the laptop and my co-worker who uses the same stuff over and over doesn't get why I'm upset about it. 

So I informed all of them that I would now take the next two weeks of company time, trying to find my songs again. I spent 3 hours last night ripping and burning my songs off my bought cds, so I can bring them to work and upload them on the laptop. 

Some days, I feel like nobody has a clue what I do at that place. Oh wait! I know they have no clue. I told the IT person that if this change affected other people in the city she would do something about it or at least help me find a solution. Her response. "Well, you're just special, Cindy." My response? "Yes, in this case I am. Nobody else in this whole city does a toddler story time. If they did they would know that there needs to be songs between each book. (We have one library and I'm the only teen and toddler librarian). 

It's very frustrating working with people who just don't give a damn what you do or how you do it.

----------


## James

Big changes are coming.  I hate changes....I realize that worrying does no good, but it still doesn't keep me from worrying.  I have a hard enough time dealing with day-to-day life, without huge life-altering changes thrown into the mix.  FML.

----------


## Monotony

Durr you need to renew your Health card it expires in september. What the [BEEP] I did that just last year.

Oh and stop mailing me Organ donor consent forms you aren't getting my damn organs [BEEP] off.

----------


## Otherside

> Durr you need to renew your Health card it expires in september. What the [BEEP] I did that just last year.
> 
> Oh and stop mailing me Organ donor consent forms you aren't getting my damn organs [BEEP] off.



Let me guess. You reached adulthood, started celebrating because you could drink alchohol and you were, well...an adult, before realizing that all it really means is that you have to fill in a load of forms.

----------


## SmileyFace

Been going through an extremely tough period in life for the past 2 months or so. Most depressed I've felt in a long time. My guts tell me everything will work out in the end, but as someone who isn't the most patient person in the world, I desperately want things to be fine and dandy all of a sudden already... like, right this second. And the more I crave for that, the more I feel like crap cuz it's not going to happen... it never does for anyone, but still..  ::\:  This is all too painful.

----------


## compulsive

Its great to know how easily I changed from being your friend to being an ends to a mean. You should have known better. I am going to stop being a doormat to you and everyone else. I am going to stop giving a [BEEP] what others think of me, because even when im being nice, people still don't like me. And I was really afraid of hurting or disappointing others, but ive realized that despite all of my faults, im not worth nothing and I deserve to put me before others. Everyone else does that, so I should too. And why should I give a [BEEP] what others think of me? I dont need them. What can they do to me except make others dislike me? Nothing. I need to become satisfied being alone. 

Ive also realized that most people are liars and don't deserve to be trusted. I know why I don't trust people.

----------


## WintersTale

I know I probably shouldn't care, but after I trust people online and they then [BEEP] all over me, how am I supposed to react? Am I supposed to be happy?

Man, I really don't understand people. I get defensive because you treat me badly. Then you say you treat me badly, because I get defensive...what came first, the chicken or the egg?

I probably shouldn't care anymore. Humans suck. I'd rather spend time with my cats and my dogs, they treat me better than most humans.

----------


## compulsive

> I know I probably shouldn't care, but after I trust people online and they then [BEEP] all over me, how am I supposed to react? Am I supposed to be happy?
> 
> Man, I really don't understand people. I get defensive because you treat me badly. Then you say you treat me badly, because I get defensive...what came first, the chicken or the egg?



Yep! A lot of people are up themselves and think they deserve respect when they don't give it.

The key is to show them that you wont take any crap early on.

----------


## WintersTale

> Yep! A lot of people are up themselves and think they deserve respect when they don't give it.
> 
> The key is to show them that you wont take any crap early on.



I'm done. I'm avoiding that place. 

It's a shame people showed their true colors.

----------


## Otherside

> Its great to know how easily I changed from being your friend to being an ends to a mean. You should have known better. I am going to stop being a doormat to you and everyone else. I am going to stop giving a [BEEP] what others think of me, because even when im being nice, people still don't like me. And I was really afraid of hurting or disappointing others, but ive realized that despite all of my faults, im not worth nothing and I deserve to put me before others. Everyone else does that, so I should too. And why should I give a [BEEP] what others think of me? I dont need them. What can they do to me except make others dislike me? Nothing. I need to become satisfied being alone. 
> 
> Ive also realized that most people are liars and don't deserve to be trusted. I know why I don't trust people.




 :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

Felt great during the last half of yesterday. And today I feel so anxious and panicky again, like I'm going to go mad..

----------


## WintersTale

It bothers me that coffee is the only thing that ever cheers me up.

----------


## Antidote

So tired. I feel like someone clobbered me in the head with a brick.

----------


## WintersTale

What did we ever do before computers and technology? Seriously?

----------


## Air Caterpillar

I'm lonely  ::(:  so fucking lonely

----------


## WintersTale

Got into a fight on the internet, and now feel terrible.

----------


## Chantellabella

> I'm lonely  so fucking lonely



 :Hug:  Hang in there.

----------


## Koalafan

> What did we ever do before computers and technology? Seriously?



Rolling a tire with a stick I think?  :Tongue:  lol

----------


## Chantellabella

I've been feeding a few stray cats (besides my 7 cats). I hadn't seen a couple in a while. One little long haired stray started coming over. He was so sweet. Very timid, but eventually he let me pet him. I felt a lump on him and figured the poor thing had a tumor. He was starting to look really good and healthy with the food. Poor thing, he was on his last leg when I started feeding him.

Something ate him.  ::(:  

I had pieces of him on my lawn.  ::(:  

I guess it's coyotes again. 

I know they're hungry too.  ::(:  

I'm going to have to tell myself that the poor thing may have already been dying with the tumor and maybe this was better.  ::(:

----------


## compulsive

i wish i didnt have to live

----------


## WintersTale

That's awful, chant.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

> Hang in there.



thank youuu  :Panda:

----------


## kc1895

> i wish i didnt have to live



Nooo  :bopa:  We want you to live!  :Hug:

----------


## Antidote

Left leg. Please heal.

----------


## compulsive

> Nooo  We want you to live!




Do I get free chicken bucket?  :Pirate:

----------


## insigniff

Just received an automated message from this place, wishing to "tempt you back" to AxS. Kinda cute in a creepy way.

----------


## Chantellabella

> That's awful, chant.



I found out that the kitty (Abby) belonged to a neighbor who just moved in a few months ago. Abby was very old and sickly. There was a cat door where she could go in and out as she pleased. She ate at her house, but must have liked the extra meal with me. She would look in my window every day and meow like "where's the food?" So Abby was loved. It's terrible that she had to die that way. I've lost 4 cats to a coyote, one to an owl, one to a hawk and two to being hit. I now keep my cats inside with an outdoor screened patio. They do get to go out for about an hour a day with me. I herd them outside and they sit right there with me in the front or back yard and I watch for predators while they much on grass, chase bugs and roll in the mud. I'm having to watch the sky for hawks, and worry that the coyotes are so hungry that they will hunt during the day time. I put out an eagle head again, so hopefully that keeps the hawks away. It worked when I had bunnies. A wildlife guy told me to do that. I know these wild animals are hungry. It's just so horrible to think about it. It's so sad.

----------


## compulsive

It used to be way easier to get a job. And having to deal with the current situation on top of my own problems...fucking sucks. People don't even look at you if you don't have years of experience.

----------


## Otherside

I stupidly posted on Facebook that I suffered from a mental illness. Some say it's brave. I just feel really stupid. I deleted it as soon as I saw it the next morning.

I'm telling myself this. it's a fresh start. What happened last year with ending up in hospital and overdoses and the Crisis Team and having no choice but to drop out of college for the year does not have to happen this year. I'm seeing a new psychologist on Wednesday. Whether that will help or not I don't know. The events of Friday are still running through my head, how tempting it was to simply walk from the waiting room and towards the bypass, how my Mother decided I should walk home instead of drive because "the sun will do you good" whilst not really getting that thats the last thing I want to do on a day when the panic is right there, centre of the chest, building up.

Thank god I was seeing Ellie Friday. She didn't know what to do though.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

I really need to stop obsessing over things I've said or written. So much brainpower wasted and so much anxiety generated by thinking about whether or not I should have said something differently or not at all. It happens with everybody to some extent, but the more I value my interaction with a particular person the more severe it gets. My brain usually doesn't calm down until the person in question comes into contact with me again and I can make a judgement as to whether or not the thing I was driving myself nuts about mattered even in the slightest (hint: it rarely, if ever does).

----------


## GunnyHighway

I thought that a person I knew had finally changed, that she had finally started to have a little bit of truthfulness to the people in her life. Holy [BEEP] was I ever wrong. I can't talk to her anymore after what I've seen tonight...

----------


## Koalafan

Well back to square fucking zero when it comes to getting a job!

----------


## compulsive

Why can't I enjoy one day?

----------


## kc1895

:Hug:  Unemployed peeps don't let the man keep you down.

----------


## compulsive

> Unemployed peeps don't let the man keep you down.



 :Hug:

----------


## Air Caterpillar

Every time I drink I get very depressed after. It feels so good during, but the sadness is hitting me now. Also I broke a cup last night and cried... It was an important cup  ::(:  It's very upsetting.

----------


## Koalafan

> Unemployed peeps don't let the man keep you down.



 :Hug:   ::):

----------


## compulsive

I feel so incapable compared to others

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

I'm a bit tired of over-thinking everything. I wish I could turn my brain off for a while.

----------


## Member11

My headphones broke.  ::(:

----------


## Kirsebaer

I'm stuck in a downward spiral of self-loathing and don't know how to get out of it...

----------


## kc1895

Feeling so lonely, emotionally and physically from the depths of my soul.  Until I come to this forum and find my connection with others in the world who are feeling the same.

----------


## Koalafan

> Feeling so lonely, emotionally and physically from the depths of my soul.  Until I come to this forum and find my connection with others in the world who are feeling the same.



 :Hug:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> My headphones broke.



 ::(:  I would give you a pair of mine if I could. I've built up a bit of a collection. Music is one of my few (healthy) escapes from anxiety/depression and I'm something of an audiophile, so it's a big deal to me if they break.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Came down with a cold today.. funny thing is that just a few days back I mentioned to my mom that my immune system must be pretty good at the moment, since I haven't been sick in over a year  :Tongue:  I feel awful.. hope I'll manage to sleep tonight.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Parents are most likely separating. [BEEP] me sideways. All I needed was one more month without drama...then I was free...

----------


## meeps

Having little motivation and dreading the future. Realizing that you are most likely just bothering everyone by being yourself, even people you don't particularly dislike. I don't think I'll ever be able to connect to anyone on the level I connect to my boyfriend or even a fraction of that. The people I like don't even notice me because I'm just not good enough. I want friends but I don't put in the effort when others do or am too scared to be myself, and I don't know how to snap out of that cycle. Being too emotional and bothered by the shitty things people say, and then being blamed for reacting the way I do.

----------


## Prodigy

Why do people always gotta make [BEEP] so fucking complicated. We both want the same thing just stop with the bs, damn.

----------


## meeps

> Parents are most likely separating. [BEEP] me sideways. All I needed was one more month without drama...then I was free...



My parents will do that eventually. It was kind of surreal when I found out.

----------


## Antidote

I think I have narcolepsy.

----------


## VickieKitties

Still can't sleep, wtf. @___@

----------


## Chantellabella

I'm panicking because I think I'm going to be fired before I even get a chance to get a new job. Ever feel like you're in so much trouble that you can't breathe? I'm doing a split shift today and I have to go back in 30 minutes. Why do I screw up my life so much? I'm losing it big time. Seriously losing it.

----------


## Kirsebaer

I wish this forum was more active  ::(:

----------


## Member11

life  ::(:

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> life



What he said.

----------


## L

I vomited 8 times this week from anxiety.....I have never done this before.....

----------


## Chantellabella

> I vomited 8 times this week from anxiety.....I have never done this before.....



Sorry your week was that rough.  :Hug:

----------


## Koalafan

> I wish this forum was more active



Me too  ::(: , seems to be slowing down more recently  :Rain:

----------


## L

I may vomit again soon

----------


## Chantellabella

> I may vomit again soon



Could it be a virus or do you think it's nerves? I also toss my cookies when I'm anxious, so I understand if it's nerves.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Me too , seems to be slowing down more recently



I'll bet it will pick up around October though. When we're forced to do holidays and stay indoors more, I know I'm online more often.

----------


## L

> Could it be a virus or do you think it's nerves? I also toss my cookies when I'm anxious, so I understand if it's nerves.



Im not sick any other way and I had to stand up to the nurse this morning which wasn't fun....i think I had a stomach flu last month unless I'm getting a touch of ibs. I thought I was getting stronger with anxiety

----------


## Chantellabella

> Im not sick any other way and I had to stand up to the nurse this morning which wasn't fun....i think I had a stomach flu last month unless I'm getting a touch of ibs. I thought I was getting stronger with anxiety



Hey, don't beat yourself up on it. I thought I was past all that too until this past week. I guess our bodies aren't quite synced with our brains yet. I knew I had nothing to worry about but my body sure did a number on me with a panic attack and puking. So yes, I'm sure you're getting stronger. It may just be a reflex like mine was and will take time to get that under control too. 

Hang in there.  :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

People lately been feeling like it's totally okay to call me rude names in joking manners. I don't see how it is funny to be called a ("female dog") after almost every sentence. What the hell did I do for this to even happen...

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

General lamentation over the state of my life and how I can't seem to make any real change for the better. Tired of having no source of income and sitting alone in my room in front of my computer all day. Tired of living in this gigantic, ridiculously hot city. Blargh.

----------


## Kirsebaer

My self esteem hit a new low today. Why can't I ever be happy with who I am and what I have? Why can't I stop comparing myself to others? It's like everywhere I look, people seem to be smarter, happier, more successful in everything they do, more well liked, etc etc. I always feel inferior to everyone, even people who are way younger than me have achieved a lot more in life than me. 
And I sound like a whiny brat; but I have nowhere else to vent.

----------


## WintersTale

I hate the fact that I care so much about what other people think about me.

----------


## Nammio

I'm having stomach issues today. My stomach keeps bubbling?

----------


## VickieKitties

:argh: 
Too anxious

----------


## L

I feel like such a selfish, bad, uncaring person. I am unable to feel empathy for my mum, for the past few days I have found her crying at least once a day if not more (I know why) but it is so hard to support her when she never support me emotionally. I don't know when I last got a hug from her, had her sat next to me for a heart to heart or just share secrets. I just cannot do it and I feel awful.

----------


## Misssy

@lasair----- I also have a lame relationship with my mother. For a long time I did feel bad and even sometimes I still do if I don't do things for her or whatever. Though I know that the best thing for me to do is to try to fill my life with people who can participate in life the way I need them to. I never have heart to hearts with my mother and there is no such thing as sharing secrets with her, she tells the most private things to every body and she even ridicules me while she does it...so I don't share with her. There are quite a lot of people that do not feel that close to their mother's you are not alone....Though I guess people can have a sense of guilt or feel bad for not being a "good daughter".

----------


## Antidote

One of the worst photos of my life is on my ID card.  :argh:

----------


## Member11

::(:  need cuddles

----------


## Kirsebaer

> need cuddles



 :Hug:  :Kiss:

----------


## WintersTale

I'm so tired of worrying. I just want it to quit.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

I feel like I should have made a different decision earlier today.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Feeling lethargic as hell today

----------


## WintersTale

I hate flies.

----------


## FiestyAnxiety

> I'm so tired of worrying. I just want it to quit.



worrying sucks  ::(:

----------


## Prodigy

Have plans for October hopefully [BEEP] doesn't fall apart.

----------


## Antidote

[BEEP] you forever google. First you deliberately coerce and bamboozle us into creating account pages we don't want. Then you scare and bamboozle us out of deleting them. I know you're trying to expand and all (because google isn't big enough already right?). But being sly pricks isn't the way to conduct yourselves.

----------


## WintersTale

> [BEEP] you forever google. First you deliberately coerce and bamboozle us into creating account pages we don't want. Then you scare and bamboozle us out of deleting them. I know you're trying to expand and all (because google isn't big enough already right?). But being sly pricks isn't the way to conduct yourselves.



Google scares me a bit with all the information they archive. I'm a bit worried about what they're doing with that information?

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

My alarm was set for 7AM and I didn't wake up until 9:45AM. So hard to drag my [BEEP] out of bed when I'm feeling depressed.

----------


## L

Slightly off this evening, feeling lingering in my tummy, don't like it.

----------


## Koalafan

Just coming down from a bad panic attack  ::(:

----------


## WintersTale

I should probably call somebody. I'm so lonely.

----------


## Misssy

> worrying sucks



   Yah I 3rd that!!!

----------


## WintersTale

I'm still so lonely.

----------


## Antidote

I just want Thursday and Friday to go as quickly and uneventfully as possible.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

I can't make coffee this morning because I don't have anything to put in it. I dislike black coffee.

Somebody call me a whambulance. Â¬_Â¬

----------


## Otherside

I want to cry, kick and punch something right now. Seriously. Fucking. Do. Can't. Fucking. Stand. This.

Wish I could feel safe.

----------


## Kirsebaer

The fact that the title of forum section "Friendships, Dating and Relatoinships" has a typo  :shrug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

All the people I care about the most are spread all around the world, so I always feel kinda incomplete no matter where I am.

----------


## Otherside

To take Zopiclone or not to take Zopiclone...

On one hand, the paranoia is back. So if I take Zopiclone, I might get some sleep. Otherwise, gonna be stuck awake half the night. And I honestly am beginning to not see the point of sleeping.

On the other hand, I fucking hate my meds. And I know I'll spend the whole day doped out the next morning. And it wasn't as though the Zopiclone really worked the last time I took it.

Whatever. I need to get some goddamn sleep.

----------


## L

Got this energy, anger and sadness, and I don't know what to throw it at.....

----------


## Misssy

Having a poor memory, got to write every little thing down, just don't remember anything at work. Feeling BLAH

----------


## Coffee

I'm so insecure about everything that I do, it's unbelievable. I don't know how people put up with me.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Hyperhidrosis. I try so hard with this [BEEP] and I get basically nowhere. Treating this is so much more complicated than it needs to be. Try, fail, try, fail. I'm so sick of this adding to my anxiety and making me twice as insecure.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

I've had a slight headache for the past few hours. Not too bad, but just bad enough to be annoying and a bit distracting.

----------


## L

People are right fuckers

----------


## Fallen18

Seriously you've got to be shi*ting me  :argh:

----------


## Member11

I'm overly excited and ridiculously nervous, can't sleep as a result.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I'm overly excited and ridiculously nervous, can't sleep as a result.



At least if you're tired once you get on the plane, it will be easier to fall asleep during the flight  :;):  Sleeping is the best way to pass time on a plane!

----------


## L

People keep waking me up even though I am working nights....why people

----------


## Kirsebaer

Mosquitoes had a feast on my legs and now I have some huge red bumps all over them and I'm dying with the itch! Grrrr

----------


## Coffee

I messed up.  ::(:

----------


## L

I want to get away from my family  so bad. At my age dad still scars me when he is angery and he is down stairs shouting at my brother. I'm not long awake because I was working night duty so I'm pretty much hiding in my bed waiting got either my brother or dad to leave

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

This city is too big and hot. Luckily, I can tell the weather will start to change soon. Even though we're still hitting triple digits here, there has been a change in the intensity of the sun lately and the color temperature is cooler than it was last month—a cooler blueish white hue now compared to the warmer yellow/orange hue it has during the worst part of the summer.

Temps are only a part of the problem, though. Even after it cools off here this stupid city is way too big for someone like me who has trouble convincing himself to even go for a walk around the neighborhood. I should really be living in a much smaller city or a town. :/

----------


## Kirsebaer

I'm procrastinating again...

----------


## Koalafan

Both of our admin are on leave.... ::(:   :Rain:

----------


## VickieKitties

> Both of our admin are on leave....



Does that mean it's time to act out?  :Evil Banana: Ruckus time.

----------


## Misssy

!! Amok!! Amok!! Amok!!    Run Amok!!

----------


## Misssy

Lots of sheet is on the bottom of my mind, don't think about it too much. My brother's death of course. Thinking about the path his life took and why it went the way it. Don't really have a lot of verbage to ascribe to it. Thinking about if suicide is sad or not. Kind of going through the whole thing of "What is the point of life"....but not in the context of my life experience as in feeling bad for myself....instead the whole unfolding of generations and the problems that people have and the minimal glimpses of good times. There is so much I need to take care of, get together, I never get it together though. I had it together long time ago....now it's all free-form living, make shift. Wondering if it's arrogant of me to say things to myself like "at least he is at peace"... it's not comforting. Feels like a slight rip off. I'm also wondering what in my life is going to take the place of the things I loose. And also I guess I do have to remind myself to be thankful and as corny as it is "make the most of today"...and I realize most of us here struggle with making the most of our days.

----------


## Kirsebaer

I'm so grumpy today.. somebody please hit me with a stick and tell me to get a grip!

----------


## Kirsebaer

Just had to clean a clogged drain in my bathroom... jesus effing christ, I almost died

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Feeling exceptionally frustrated by my lack of money. I need to stop being such a coward and fill out some job applications.

----------


## VickieKitties

Depressed, lonely.  The usual.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Waiting for my flight at Brasilia Airport right now.. it's delayed and they've changed my gate 3 times, making me walk from one end of the airport to the other.. super annoying when I have a migraine and i'm carrying a heavy backpack...

----------


## meeps

hate myself

----------


## life

meeps  :Hug:

----------


## Misssy

my beer belly

----------


## Arthur Dent

Some people's luck it's just f***ing ridiculous.

----------


## L

> Some people's luck it's just f***ing ridiculous.



I know right x

----------


## Chantellabella

If you call me a liar one more time I'm going to [BEEP] slap you so hard you'll have to go looking for your face across the ocean.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Feeling like [BEEP] again today.. low self esteem is a b*tch! One of my cousins who's my age dropped by tonight, impeccably dressed and looking gorgeous (even after a day of work) and being her fun, extroverted self and it just reminded me that my life sucks and probably always will because of my introvertness, depression and anxiety issues. I'll always lag behind my peers. This cousin and I went to high school together and later on took the same University course as well, and now she has a good high paying job and she's buying an appartment. I'm really happy for her, no jealousy there! She's always had a great/fun personality so everyone loves her, she's smart, beautiful and is always well dressed (not that it's important, but I wish I had good fashion sense too  :Tongue: ). I just wonder how different my life could have been if I didn't have all these psychological issues that have robbed me of a normal functioning life...

----------


## Misssy

Schedules are going to change at my job I am very worried that I will not get a schedule that I want. Oh but the cute manager kind of flirted with me a little, and I figured out that he is a little older than I thought he was. Still....he is too young for me but at least I don't feel like a weirdo for liking him now.

----------


## Antidote

Think I'm getting sick again.  :hit wall:

----------


## meeps

Need to work on standing up for myself instead of toning down my opinions and apologizing because I am afraid of offending people who have offended and disrespected me in the first place.

----------


## L

It doesn't bother me that one of the nurses at work doesn't like me, but she keeps complaining about petty things to other people about me. This is because I stood up to her about something she was doing wrong that I was involved in  ::(:

----------


## Kirsebaer

my internet is being a bitch

----------


## Total Eclipse

one of my bird's passed away a few hours ago and im not handing it well.  ::(:

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

I thought I was given a bag of regular banana chips, but it turns out these are roasted plantain chips. I like fried plantains, but these chips just taste like baked potato chips. I'd much rather have the sweetness of a normal banana chip. Somebody call me a whambulance. Â¬_Â¬

----------


## Total Eclipse

and my 3 1/2 yr old pet mouse died ... today is terrible

----------


## Kirsebaer

My internet is still extremely slow, but only on my laptop! It's working fine on the iPad and on my phone.. wtf?? I already restarted both the laptop and the router but nothing changed  ::(:

----------


## L

Some people are so selfish...

----------


## Chantellabella

Honesty is obviously not what people want to hear. 

I get annoyed at people who can't bear to hear that they've hurt you. 


Rather than apologize they get defensive and verbally abusive. 

It must be nice to be perfect. 

I wish I knew what that felt like.

----------


## nemmm3

At the moment I have a cold and I have sooo many assignments to do! Not a good combination..

Annnnnnd I am about to go to my bestfriend's little brother's birthday party and her boyfriend is going to be there. He is a lovely person but I hate third wheeling, they always leave me out and make me feel awkward..

----------


## L

Why is life throwing me so many [BEEP] balls, it is not fair.

----------


## Otherside

Well, I am officially broke and have a grand total of 41p in my bank account, as well as a couple of coppers that are pretty much useless.

----------


## Sagan

Bowel problems related to meds. tmi?

----------


## Kirsebaer

I accidentally kicked a wall while playing with my dog and it hurt like f***!!!!!!  :argh:  I'm surprised I didn't break any toes!! They're a bit swollen even after I put an ice bag on them...

----------


## L

Listening to sad music as to try and make myself cry, so much sad feelings pent up I need to release it, so much of the past being brought up it is not easy.

----------


## Arcadia

Sinking back into the void of depression.  It's hard to scrounge up the energy to do anything.  I want to work on improving different facets of life, but I'm having trouble pushing myself.  I feel sadder and more pathetic today, and there isn't much to take my mind off things.

----------


## Chantellabella

I hate when people just decide not to be your friend and feel the need to hurt you in their exit.

----------


## Still Waters

I can't relate to -in fact can't even understand about a third of the stuff I read on forums anymore.  It's almost like I speak an entirely different language.  Maybe so much regurgitation of the same old stuff eventually leads to the leeching out of any emotion??  Perhaps it's similar to the way they say kids get desensitized to violence,forums make people desensitized to complaints?!!?  I was a much more sympathetic person before I ever joined any forums.

----------


## Kirsebaer

My User Requested Temporary Ban on SAS ( hope it's okay to mention it here) was lifted this morning, so I checked out the sections I usually go to and it immediately ruined my mood.. I don't know what exactly bothers me so much about that forum..  maybe the fact that it's too cliquey and I feel like a fish out of water there, and also cause it has a bit of a toxic environment IMO... Spending time there never fails to make me feel more depressed than I already am. I don't really want to request a permanent ban so I need to do my best to stay away from it..

----------


## L

Im dizzy and light-headed with a sick tummy

----------


## Arcadia

More bad news, feel real bad.  Wish I had someone to go to, I want to be held.

----------


## L

> More bad news, feel real bad.  Wish I had someone to go to, I want to be held.



**hugs** I really hope the news can improve in some way. If you need someone to talk with pm me if you like I am on here alot and have a good listening ear. 
Take Care
L.x

----------


## Arcadia

> **hugs** I really hope the news can improve in some way. If you need someone to talk with pm me if you like I am on here alot and have a good listening ear. 
> Take Care
> L.x



Thank you, it's much appreciated.

----------


## Chantellabella

God, my life has gone from bad to worse.  :Rain:

----------


## Misssy

I still don't know my work schedule...my job is so lame customers can get pissed off for any reason and then a manager comes and chews me out

----------


## life

> God, my life has gone from bad to worse.



 :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

> 



thank you. im glad you guys are here when i need a hug. i wish all of you lived down the street here. you guys are so great   :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

> I still don't know my work schedule...my job is so lame customers can get pissed off for any reason and then a manager comes and chews me 
> 
> out



  sorry you got a manager like that. i think maybe its legal to drop them in swamps back in louisiana. alligators eat them no evidence

----------


## Misssy

> It doesn't bother me that one of the nurses at work doesn't like me, but she keeps complaining about petty things to other people about me. This is because I stood up to her about something she was doing wrong that I was involved in



Well you can tell that nurse that I told her to go shove her head in a dirty toilet. So there.  She is jealous of you because you are young and up and coming and she is old and going....and someday you will be old and going....the weird cycle of life. Just the way it is. Has nothing to do with you. If she doesn't like you it's her problem, lean on your friends hon.

----------


## Otherside

Someone I know just died. Turns out it was of Grandpas friends, and it came as a shock to him. I don't really know if he was hearing me properly on the phone, he was acting a bit odd.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Randomly burst into tears earlier. If I were smart I would stop letting things build up to the point where I can't handle them. 
I'm not very smart.  ::\: 

I don't know if there's anything that *doesn't* trigger my anxiety at this point.

----------


## Koalafan

> Randomly burst into tears earlier. If I were smart I would stop letting things build up to the point where I can't handle them. 
> I'm not very smart. 
> 
> I don't know if there's anything that *doesn't* trigger my anxiety at this point.



Koala hugs!  ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Koala hugs!



 :Hug: 

koala hugs are the best kind

----------


## Chantellabella

People who prey on the weak or unknowing

----------


## life

1 am, why cant i sleep  ::(:

----------


## meeps

relationship with dad is nearly non-existent. It's not like it used to be. Often comparing how he treats me to how he treats my sister. It's making me very sad, and right now I am very susceptible to being sad. I wish I didn't care.

----------


## Chantellabella

I took off days from work due to my sleep deprivation. Was getting paranoid thinking everyone was trying to kill me. Got a doctor's note to take off. I can't shake the paranoia. I wish I could. I keep thinking they're going to fire me or hurt me. I hate paranoia

----------


## Coffee

I haven't heard from a good friend of mine who lives overseas in many months. He might be in jail, but I think he would write to me if he was, like he did last time. He has never gone this long without contacting me or replying to me. Or, he might be dead because he was pretty depressed the last time we spoke, but I'm too scared to message his friend or sister to find out what happened because I'm so scared he is dead and I don't want to know the answer. I wonder how long I can keep this up. I love him to bits and I just want him to be safe.

----------


## James

I'm really missing my gf today.....lots of memories coming to the surface.   I miss her family too.  It's been months since we got together.   I hope they're holding up OK.  Better than I am.

----------


## Arcadia

Avoidance is destroying my life.

----------


## Member11

Can't sleep, scary dreams, need cuddles  ::(:

----------


## compulsive

I knew it all along. I'm just a nuisance to everyone.

----------


## Arcadia

I'm afraid to listen to a voicemail from a friend.  I think she may be mad at me.

----------


## VickieKitties

I didn't end up hearing what I wanted to hear, but that was selfish anyway.  In the end I'll always be alone.

*edit* thanks for reading my mind eventually, maybe someday I'll learn to ask for what I need. :/

----------


## invisible12

I'm so upset about us I'm *TW* cutting again.  ::\: 

I miss you.  ::'(:

----------


## Still Waters

Everyday starts out the same-once I force myself out of bed (grudgingly)-I fix the coffee and sit for a bit to mentally pull myself together.  The awful thoughts start tumbling in like bricks piling one on top of another.  All my fears,worries,regrets -then I try to balance it all out somewhat -I start listing the positives-even the smallest things that are going right or that I'm grateful for (there's always something).- I remind myself of projects that need doing (so I feel a sense of real purpose). -Sometimes all this works,but sometimes I see it merely for what it truly is -just mental games to distract me from how much I generally hate my life.

----------


## Misssy

I here ya StillWaters....I am right there with you.

----------


## Misssy

Feeling lonely and stressed out of course

----------


## ev0ker

hiding your [BEEP]?! [BEEP] this. i'm out of here.

----------


## Member11

In pain  ::(:

----------


## Chantellabella

(tried to quote ya but it's being persnickety)

Joker,  :Hug:  sorry you're in pain.

----------


## Chantellabella

(tried to quote ya but it's being persnickety)

Joker,  :Hug:  sorry you're in pain.

----------


## Chantellabella

Well, due to the persnicketiness, you got two hugs

----------


## Chantellabella

Misssy, sorry you're feeling lonely.  :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

Everything and everyone pisses me off this morning *sigh*

----------


## GunnyHighway

Getting ready for my move and cleared out my nightstand. Found the picture of my ex that I had stashed away. That's some instant depression right there....

----------


## life

why cant i get motivated ive got a lot to do  ::(:

----------


## VickieKitties

Screw everything, with very limited exceptions.

----------


## Coffee

I'm so tired all the time I don't know wtf is happening. I think I need a day off.

----------


## Misssy

Me too Coffee, I think that is why we drink so much coffee...in fact I want a cup of coffee right now please.

----------


## James

I hate having no friends.  It's really depressing.  No, it's beyond depressing.   And I'm missing the one friend that I lost, forever.  The thought that I will always miss her like this, forever, drives me into the depths of despair and hopelessness.  It will never get better, and I will never stop blaming myself for not saving her.  The end.

----------


## Misssy

Yeah, not having friends or family or something does suck. It is totally lonely and boring. and pretty pointless really. I am hungry. I want French toast or some thing. I might even have French toast with icecream. But I don't have French toast nor do I have icecream

----------


## L

I was meant to leave at 10 but it is after 10 and I am still in bed???

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Doubting myself in a myriad of ways and thinking about how I need to stop being afraid to do things I know I need to do to get myself into a better situation.

----------


## Misssy

frequently I come here and will actually say things like I am lonely and it sounds pathetic and it's like we are all a bunch of complainers or something but....then I think about how I tell nobody at work that I am lonely and how crappy I feel etc. There are not very few places where I do just say what I really feel like.

----------


## Misssy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vqIDYkkJl_E

----------


## Misssy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yn_homK-hds

----------


## Misssy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PxRm1u9703o

----------


## Total Eclipse

Things still aren't well.

My parakeet has been getting sick for 2+ weeks and vet's can't do anything to fix her, 2night she took a turn for the worse. I will either witness a mercurial and watch her recover, or she wiill pass away from anytime time, given, and the next 24 hours with nothing I can do but watch.

My cousin committed suicide 2 days ago. A lot of people from his church who he has on his Facebook Page are saying he's going to hell for the sin of killing himself, upsetting a lot of people in our family =/ 

I found out my grandmother has cancer and only weighs 90 pounds now (she is 70 and trying to give reinsurance to the family she isn't dying....)

----------


## L

Really bad cramps  ::(:

----------


## Misssy

Ouch, Ibuprofen

----------


## Air Caterpillar

nno internet in my room = sadness

----------


## GunnyHighway

5 AM, half drunken lonely thoughts. Fuck.

----------


## VickieKitties

-1000, *nobody* cares

----------


## Kirsebaer

So tired of being broke. I want a job  ::(:

----------


## L

Just moved into my new apartment - not meet my house mates yet......little scary

----------


## Lad

Been waiting a week for an email which is basically going to decide what I'm going to be doing for the next year.. It's getting frustrating.

----------


## SmileyFace

My anxiety levels have been ridiculous lately, especially today.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I've become a stupid mess recently. I know exactly what's making me sad, but I know it's bloody fucking stupid and shouldn't bother me.

----------


## VickieKitties

I give up

----------


## GunnyHighway

Literally all that's in my possession right now is my phone, 3DS, camera, and laptop. Laptop died on me yesterday, and all of my spare parts are on a truck somewhere else in Canada.

----------


## L

Going back to college, don't want to deal with my class mates.

----------


## Meadowlark

I manage to make an [BEEP] of myself at work at least once a week now, and it whittles away at the little confidence I do have.

----------


## Koalafan

I feel all alone

----------


## Member11

Internet is playing up. :Rain:

----------


## Still Waters

I just hate how when I want to know specifics about how a VERY important issue will be handled -I'm treated like a hysterical nut and brushed off with vague crap that amounts to nothing more than dreamy non-answers.  Then the time comes where the situation must be resolved and OF COURSE there's no resolution to be found!  Why?!?  Oh yeah,because taking pen to paper and figuring it all out AHEAD of time was deemed illogical and those dreamy,vague solutions aren't magically floating down from the sky!!

----------


## life

why cant i sleep  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

Everything and everyone's bothering me tonight, esp my mom.

----------


## Misssy

Always I have a headache.

----------


## SmileyFace

I feel so, so, so angry lately... I just feel like crying tonight.

----------


## Koalafan

I feel so insecure right now...

----------


## GunnyHighway

Everybody. Right now. Group hug.  :group hug:

----------


## Coffee

Can't find my phone charger and it's out of battery, Facebook wont work, and I have too much work and no guidance from one my lecturers who disappears for weeks.

Also, I wish I could help other people. I had such high hopes when I was 17/18 and really thought I could make a difference in the world. Now I know I can't. It sucks.

----------


## L

No car for the week

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Lots of stuff. I want to run away and hide.

----------


## SmileyFace

It's been depressing me so much that nobody in the house likes me (parents and brother). They have been constantly berating me for the most stupid stuff, making it such a big deal... calling me a failure in life. My weight has also been a hot topic in the house as well, which depresses me even more.

----------


## life

> It's been depressing me so much that nobody in the house likes me (parents and brother). They have been constantly berating me for the most stupid stuff, making it such a big deal... calling me a failure in life. My weight has also been a hot topic in the house as well, which depresses me even more.




 :Hug:

----------


## life

why am i so tired and yet cant sleep  ::(:

----------


## nemmm3

I'm so tired but can never fall asleep.

----------


## James

I'm missing someone really badly.  Having lots of memories flooding back, and flashbacks.  I wish I could go back in time, back to when she was still alive.  Back when everything was normal.

----------


## SmileyFace

I feel like I'm annoying just about everyone today. People are hardly responding to me... or if they do, I take it as a bit condescending. It's hard to tell when it's just made up of texts, but I don't know... I just get this feeling I am annoying people like hell.

With that said, I just feel like it's best I back off from everyone... or take centuries to respond to them. Pretend I'm busy (I should be busy, I have tons of homework to do).

----------


## Antidote

Suddenly feel tremendously sad.

----------


## SmileyFace

Everyone throwing their problems on me tonight... I was in a decent mood until this happened. Now I feel so fuckin angry again...

----------


## Koalafan

"Anything bothering you right now?" Very much so!  ::(:

----------


## Member11

The power cable for my MacBook broke  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

Hung out with someone special today... I feel I was boring  ::\:

----------


## GunnyHighway

Tried getting a hold of a couple people today to no avail. I wish I had friends.

----------


## VickieKitties

Tomorrow is my brothers birthday, not that I'll have the guts to call him or anything.

----------


## SmileyFace

Gonna go see a psychologist this morning. The anxiety and feelings of depression have been almost unbearable lately.. I can't even focus on anything at all.

----------


## Hadron

I'm used to rejecting people who try to befriend me. Now, though, I got rejected and it's a pretty depressing experience. Especially as I almost never reach out to people.

----------


## SmileyFace

I shouldnt have had that Pepsi... I'm getting a ridiculous anxiety attack. Doesn't help that I already been super anxious today.

----------


## SmileyFace

sudden anxiety attacks *sigh*

----------


## Chantellabella

I have to endure abuse. That's not fun.

----------


## SmileyFace

Experiencing feelings of guilt again *sigh* Can't wait to see a psychologist already. Tried seeing one this past week but for whatever reason, there was no space for me... gotta wait til Wednesday to see one. I'm doing a bit better than earlier this past week, but still.. any feelings of guilt I experience tends to be so unbearable. I can't stop beating myself up for not doing this and that...tiny things... but I feel those tiny things would make a huge difference as well, so now I feel like I shot myself in the foot.

*sigh* this anxiety is so draining.

Now I just feel so freakin angry over a lot of things. I'm sure it's anxiety alone, not anger... or maybe the anxiety is causing anger. I'm anxious as [BEEP] because someone isn't getting back to my texts, but I see them posting online. It's like.. wow are you ignoring me or something? I feel like I did something wrong. Something tells me I did. Must have been something I said... or didn't say (mainly the latter).

I hate how I stress myself out so much... most everything is going relatively well in my life (in a way... sorta.. I guess.. I don't know anymore), and yet.. I always find something to stress out over like crazy. My anxiety is so damn high right now, I could feel it physically. I don't know what to do right now  ::(:  I have homework to do, but now I can't focus at all. I just want to fuckin cry right now... fuck.

----------


## Member11

High anxiety for no apparent reason.  ::(:   :argh:

----------


## Misssy

hum, I am just reading other people's comments now....I am too tired to complain

----------


## Member11

> High anxiety for no apparent reason.



Brain won't shut up. Need cuddles  ::(:

----------


## VickieKitties

Hungover, headache.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

I'm trying not to think about having to start working soon and all of the extra stuff that goes along with it, but I'm having a hard time doing that and the anticipation is turning into negative thinking, anxiety, and depression. I feel like a wuss for having it bother me so much at all, everybody has to deal with this crap and the only reason I've been able to avoid it is because my mother is an enabler. Now after so long of doing nothing and having no experience dealing with this stuff I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed.

The only thing that seems to distract me from it is when I'm actively interacting with people I know. Any time I'm alone with my own thoughts it seems to drift back over to worry.

----------


## L

I keep dreaming about failing college

----------


## SmileyFace

Been trying to treat myself better, but then a little (stupid) voice inside my head tells me I'm nothing but a failure.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

shitty day. was hungover as shiiiiit

----------


## SmileyFace

Still no response from this one person. I hate it when someone takes forever to text me back. Makes me feel like I did something wrong.

----------


## Misssy

I feel old like I am dead

----------


## GunnyHighway

My super long and depressing dreams are coming back again. There is no worse feeling than waking up completely bummed out with no desire to do anything.

----------


## Chantellabella

> My super long and depressing dreams are coming back again. There is no worse feeling than waking up completely bummed out with no desire to do anything.



I hear ya. Sometimes dreams are worse than being awake, huh?  :Hug:

----------


## Coffee

APA referencing. 

If anyone is fluent in APA referencing of online reports, please message me and help me and I will love you forever.

----------


## L

I have a new placement in a few minutes, I am really nervous ans sick. I didn't sleep last night so I have puffy eyes and stuffy head

----------


## Member11

Hiding under my pillow. The world is too scary.  ::(:

----------


## rapidfox1

I want to have my own driver's license so that I can just drive to a forest; I want to be away from humanity sometimes.

----------


## James

I'm feeling very, very, very old.  My daughter's 13th birthday was Saturday, which means I have a teenager.  It always seems to feel like the best years are behind me, that I've somehow missed out, that it all went by in a blur and all I'm left with are memories.  God I feel old.

----------


## VickieKitties

> I want to have my own driver's license so that I can just drive to a forest; I want to be away from humanity sometimes.



I want that so bad. @_@ let's go hide out in the woods, I'll bring cupcakes.

----------


## Koalafan

I hate myself.

----------


## meeps

hard to walk because of injuries so am already behind in all classes in my first semester here. dad hates me.

----------


## nemmm3

I just feel so lonely ALL the time.

----------


## Misssy

I am becoming fat and old and tired. I never thought this was going to happen,  I have tried so hard to do everything right but I screwed up, the few mistakes and screw ups I have made seem to never go away and haunt me.

----------


## VickieKitties

The new Ethiopian guy is sitting next to me eating something that smells like rotten fish. :/

----------


## SmileyFace

anxious to the point of wanting to throw up =\

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Oh boy, I get to spend an hour walking in 105Â° heat.

----------


## Chantellabella

I've been told by work that I have to just suck it up about the abuse and harassment. They said nobody (all the way up to HR) will help or protect me. 

Anybody want to hire me? I am a great worker and I need to leave that place fast.

----------


## Still Waters

> I've been told by work that I have to just suck it up about the abuse and harassment. They said nobody (all the way up to HR) will help or protect me. 
> 
> Anybody want to hire me? I am a great worker and I need to leave that place fast.



Abuse and harassment,yet no help from HR?  Sounds like it might just be Lawyer Time!!

----------


## Chantellabella

I really need to stop posting after I take either an Ambien, an Advil PM, or a muscle relaxer. Sigh.  ::(:

----------


## VickieKitties

Too many compliments make me really uncomfortable.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Time always feels like it's moving extra slow when you're waiting for something, and the more you want what you're waiting for the slower it feels. I need to find a good way to distract myself from that rather lame phenomenon.

I kind of want to just sleep all day.

----------


## SmileyFace

Felt fine throughout today, but tonight I am anxious again. At least I can identify the triggers...and go from there, but still..

----------


## nemmm3

I keep having nightmares and I had a bad anxiety day today.

----------


## SmileyFace

I'm too hard on myself  ::\:

----------


## VickieKitties

It would be cool if the guy at work that follows me around like a puppy dog was less than ten years younger than me.

----------


## Otherside

I'm depressed. Again. And I don't know why, don't care why, don't even care about doing things to help me be not depressed.

----------


## SmileyFace

This fear of coming off as clingy is driving me nuts.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

i get drunk... and then want to die. It's like, getting drunk should feel good. Not sad. This is not what I want right now.

----------


## nemmm3

I get so anxious about just talking to people...
I just want to be able to have a normal, anxiety-free conversation with someone dammit!

----------


## Chantellabella

I hate that I'm the one leaving. It's a shame that stupid people who blame others and never take responsibility for their own behavior will win this time. I really hate that.

----------


## SmileyFace

Had an awful nightmare, and now I've woken up anxious about a situation I was feeling perfectly fine over last night before going to bed.

Now I know what not to believe -- whatever my mind tells me when I am experiencing anxiety and fear.

Hate how I can't seem to allow myself to be happy.

----------


## Misssy

I don't know. Just feel bad

----------


## cmed

Feeling extremely exploited. I have to put a stop to this today. This is not a situation where I'm in the right though. I promise all of my clients unlimited revisions until the project is completed to their liking. That sounds like a serious flaw in my approach to the business, but I've done this for over 300 clients, and within the short time I've been doing this it's always worked out fine. All of them have a goal in mind and want to reach it. They don't want to be dragging it out for months. This one in particular is really taking the "unlimited revisions" thing to heart though, and asking to see every possible arrangement of pixels humanly possible, and has been dragging this out for 3 months now. It's gone far beyond the point of reason.

It's sort of like the buffet owner who has to tell the fat guy "Alright, you've eaten too much. Please leave."

----------


## Misssy

Tell the client you are having a family emergency etc. so you are reducing your working hours etc. Just tell them you need them to make a final decision now. And don't respond to them any longer.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

My nose has been a bit runny this morning. I guess that means there are allergens flying around today, which is great because I also have to cut the weeds in the front yard at some point. Oh boy!

Still waiting on something I need to start working. Anticipation is not good for my brain as it just wants to be negative and think about all the ways that I can potentially make a fool of myself on the job or about whatever hassles I might encounter while on the job regardless of how remote the possibility of them happening are. I need to be able to start working so I can stop anticipating and just start doing it, eventually establish a routine and become comfortable enough to not be on edge about it constantly.

I also need to start studying to get my GED again. I waste far too much time just surfing the internet and visiting the same dozen or so websites in an endless loop and occasionally playing a video game or watching a movie or TV show. So hard for me to get the motivation to do things I know I need to do. :/

----------


## cmed

> Tell the client you are having a family emergency etc. so you are reducing your working hours etc. Just tell them you need them to make a final decision now. And don't respond to them any longer.



Haha, I'd love to just stop replying. I'd like to get paid for the work I've done though. Thankfully we settled it today. He was really understanding about it.

----------


## nemmm3

I keep having recurring nightmares.
I can't remember the last time I had a good dream.

----------


## Koalafan

Such a mental wreck right now

----------


## VickieKitties

Not at the moment, which I can't often say.

----------


## compulsive

Getting OCD false memories. Cant forgive my own mistakes at all and keep inventing more whenever possible..

----------


## L

In the Library trying to write a summary of the assignment I failed last year for this years assignment lol

----------


## VickieKitties

Shut up, brain!  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

Ridiculously stressed out and anxious over how often I should hang out with this one person. We had been hanging out 3 wks in a row now...1-2x a wk. Now I feel like I should scale back... give them space and not take them away from whatever free time they have throughout the week/day. But... I can't handle that, I want to hang out with them all the damn time now. If I could be with them everyday, I would.

----------


## Misssy

Yes, so you know when there are disturbing "news" images and stuff like that where people are injured. That kind of stuff really bother's me I am sensitive to it.

----------


## Member11

Sleepy, but can't sleep.  ::(:

----------


## Total Eclipse

Nausea =/

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Anticipation induced anxiety and negative thinking.

----------


## VickieKitties

> Anticipation induced anxiety and negative thinking.



You got this!  ::):  go for it!

----------


## Koalafan

I need to stop going to sleep with the thought of never wanting to wake up again

----------


## Chantellabella

> I need to stop going to sleep with the thought of never wanting to wake up again



I would be very sad if you never woke up again.  ::(: 

 :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

My brain is bothering me. I have too many thoughts and presently I'm trying to push my feelings down so those thoughts and reality don't hurt so much.

----------


## Koalafan

> I would be very sad if you never woke up again.



Thank you!  :Hug:  Just been having some bad depression/anxiety episodes lately.

----------


## Member11

> Nausea =/



*gives get-better cuddles*

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

My legs and feet are telling me I'm a jerk for walking around for the majority of a six-hour shift. I should have taken a few more short breaks.

----------


## VickieKitties

> My legs and feet are telling me I'm a jerk for walking around for the majority of a six-hour shift. I should have taken a few more short breaks.



Great job, you're such a hard a worker. :}

----------


## Sagan

> I need to stop going to sleep with the thought of never wanting to wake up again



Hang in there buddy. I hope you feel better soon I don't know what I would do without them Koala hugs!  :Hug:

----------


## Member11

Coughs, lots of them  ::\:

----------


## Koalafan

> Hang in there buddy. I hope you feel better soon I don't know what I would do without them Koala hugs!



That pic just made my day!! Thank you Sagan!  :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

Scared of asking someone to hang out again...

----------


## Air Caterpillar

Freaking starving omgggggg

----------


## L

legs are so tired and I am working in the morning

----------


## SmileyFace

I feel so ignored today...

----------


## Chantellabella

> I feel so ignored today...



I see you, hear you, and care about you, my friend.  :Hug: 

The rest of the world is truly missing out if they ignore you.

----------


## SmileyFace

> I see you, hear you, and care about you, my friend. 
> 
> The rest of the world is truly missing out if they ignore you.



Thank you, dear... *hugs back*

----------


## cmed

I don't trust people, and to a very toxic and self-destroying extent. I find myself judging others before I even really know them; mentally accusing them of being the type to eventually disappear from my life like most others have done. At that point I shut them out before they have a chance to shut me out in some weak attempt to preserve dignity. It's kind of hard not to considering how many times history has repeated itself throughout my life, but if that's how I'm going to look at it then technically I _shouldn't_ trust anyone. What the [BEEP] do I do then? Embrace loneliness until the isolation has turned me into an evil sociopath? I already feel it happening. That's what's bothering me, as I tap away at the keyboard in a drunken stupor.

----------


## VickieKitties

> I don't trust people, and to a very toxic and self-destroying extent. I find myself judging others before I even really know them; mentally accusing them of being the type to eventually disappear from my life like most others have done. At that point I shut them out before they have a chance to shut me out in some weak attempt to preserve dignity. It's kind of hard not to considering how many times history has repeated itself throughout my life, but if that's how I'm going to look at it then technically I _shouldn't_ trust anyone. What the [BEEP] do I do then? Embrace loneliness until the isolation has turned me into an evil sociopath? I already feel it happening. That's what's bothering me, as I tap away at the keyboard in a drunken stupor.



Oh man, I feel you on that.
 :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

Feeling anxious and depressed again, and I know it's all a result of overthinking a situation. I know I'm creating a problem that wasn't there in the first place. Things have been going well lately and I just can't seem to allow myself to be happy. It always feels like there's a 'catch' to everything when I know for a fact there isn't. I've gotten so used to experiencing terrible situations for the past 20something years that I can't seem to handle happiness  ::(:  It's so hard, I wish it wasn't. You would think I'd welcome it with open arms... and well, I do, but to a certain extent. Once that happiness comes to me, all sorts of worries come with it too. It's pretty damn depressing.

So I'm trying to keep my emotions in check today and from here on out. Trying to look at the big picture more *sigh* before I feel like going insane again like I did much of yesterday...

----------


## L

Cramps - so glad to be back on the pill

----------


## VickieKitties

Trying to think of people that are worth my time, very short list.

----------


## Otherside

People who spend a lot of time trying to convince me why something that isn't free, should be. And it makes me want to slam my head against the table. I mean, really. If I walked into a shop and _demanded_ they give me an IPad free of charge because the cost of it is beyond my salary, they won't be very impressed. I can get when it's essentials. But luxaries? Things that won't kill you if you don't have them? I just...don't get it.

----------


## SmileyFace

sinus issues this morning. well.. that's been the case for a few days now actually. Claritin D isn't helping  ::'(:

----------


## VickieKitties

A knock on the door gives me a heart attack, when it's my mother- I wanna die.  I lied, said I was about to get in the bath.  :Mega Shock: 
If I didn't answer her phone call, why would she come knocking? This makes me want to get fucked up.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

My internet connection has been disconnecting intermittently all this afternoon and nightâmore than two dozen times already. It's rather vexing.

----------


## Koalafan

Government shut down...that means my dad no longer gets paid until the government passes something...goody.

----------


## SmileyFace

special someone told me tonight he has stuff to tell me but decided to tell me tomorrow instead... now it's driving me nuts. What is he gonna tell me?? He was acting like it's really nothing bad, and said he isn't surprised that I am already anxious over what he's going to say... I don't even know what to expect. Something tells me it really isn't anything bad... he told me he's unsure of how to say things because I will twist it in a way that comes off negative and bad anyway... so I guess it won't be anything bad? I dunno anymore...

----------


## Antidote

I'm convinced my referees will give me shitty reviews.

----------


## VickieKitties

The guy that killed my friend in a drunk driving accident is listed right before some creep I dated on the sex offender registry.  Not that I had a ton of faith in humanity to begin with.

----------


## Member11

High anxiety  ::(: 

ahhh... rrrr.... aahhh.. boooo....

----------


## VickieKitties

Muscular, sweaty neighbor is power washing his patio @_@ please put a shirt on, it's been ages.

----------


## Chantellabella

Liar!! Liar!!! Liar!!!! I can't believe you think I'll put up with your bold faced lies. It's laughable.

----------


## kc1895

> High anxiety 
> 
> ahhh... rrrr.... aahhh.. boooo....



 :Hug:  Thanks for setting up chat last night.

----------


## Member11

> Thanks for setting up chat last night.



No worries  ::):  but Skippy did the heavy lifting.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Thanks for setting up chat last night.



I'm sorry I missed it guys. My day yesterday was horrendous and I could no longer go on.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Liar!! Liar!!! Liar!!!! I can't believe you think I'll put up with your bold faced lies. It's laughable.




I thought I needed to add that I'm not talking about anybody here at all. This is in my real life and you guys have heard me complain enough about my work situation to know I'm not talking about anyone here, right?

----------


## Misssy

My alarm clock didn't go off this morning I broke it yesterday I guess, it was dropped on the ground, the music was still working, I just assumed it was fine. But today I didn't wake up in time for work, which is kind of a mixed blessing. 

I'm stressed out and anxious about going into work late and think maybe I should just call in sick. I don't get paid sick days etc. and I could lose my job whenever they feel like just firing me. This job sucks. 

There are things I could do if I just called in sick, I could apply for jobs elsewhere.

----------


## VickieKitties

> My alarm clock didn't go off this morning I broke it yesterday I guess, it was dropped on the ground, the music was still working, I just assumed it was fine. But today I didn't wake up in time for work, which is kind of a mixed blessing. 
> 
> I'm stressed out and anxious about going into work late and think maybe I should just call in sick. I don't get paid sick days etc. and I could lose my job whenever they feel like just firing me. This job sucks. 
> 
> There are things I could do if I just called in sick, I could apply for jobs elsewhere.



I've missed the past few nights of work and am still feverish :/ Gotta miss another night.
I hope you get an awesome new job, perhaps as a professionally adorable snail :3

----------


## Coffee

I have to conduct interviews for a research project. I HAVE TO CONDUCT THE INTERVIEWS. I. I AM CONDUCTING INTERVIEWS. I feel like I'm going to die. I don't know when it's happening or if I even have participants yet, but the thought of doing it makes me uneasy. I don't have any training in the interview method and for some reason my uni trusts second year students with conducting independent projects (wtf) and I'm worried I'm going to break my participants.

----------


## SmileyFace

I'm feeling extremely bitchy and moody and easily pissed off over the stupidest things today. I had the right to be angry at this idiot who almost rammed into my car this morning though. He was supposed to yield at green light... how do some people even get their driver's license, man... sheesh.

----------


## Koalafan

Had a panic attack at work....what a fun ride that was

----------


## VickieKitties

> Had a panic attack at work....what a fun ride that was



 :Hug: You're ok now, everything's alright.

----------


## Koalafan

> You're ok now, everything's alright.



A much needed hug  :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

I'm never honking at asshole drivers ever again.

Oxymoron? Maybe. But I’d like to still be alive after I’ve honked at them, you know?

So I’m driving in the parking lot trying to find parking so I can go into Barnes & Noble in peace. I’m driving and this idiot couple is driving towards me in the opposition direction. Hello?? There are TWO lanes! I couldn’t swerve over either since there were 2 other cars in the other lane or whatever you want to call it. So I honk like mad at this couple because they seemed to not be stopping.

I’d really like to go a year or (more…. or forever) without a dent and all that on my car, you know…

So they stop abruptly… and I had to move over to the next “lane” after the 2 cars have gone.

Now, this idiot couple. Instead of just moving the hell on, the husband parks and then waits for me to park somewhere nearby… then goes up asking “What the [BEEP]?!” I’m sorry — are you blind? There are arrows on the fuckin ground for a reason! He pretty much went on and on saying I should watch who I honk at.

Look, buddy, if you don’t want to be honked at, at least drive properly and not put others in danger. It’s that easy. Clearly you’re one of those people who I don’t understand how they got their damn driver’s license.

This couple is inside Barnes & Noble with me at the moment too, I find that a bit odd. Sure, it’s cool if they were planning on going to B&N already anyway, but this is an uncomfortable coincidence.

I’m going to raise hell if I go back out to my car later to see it damaged in any way. If it is, I’ll at least know who did that…

*sigh* Driving is awesome, but man it makes me stressed out.

----------


## SmileyFace

And this [BEEP] inside Barnes and Noble needs to fuckin control her fuckin child. I'm trying to work on stuff here and she's letting her kid screaming their damn head off and everything.

This is not my fuckin day today. I just want to work in peace and I can't even get that in a damn library.

----------


## VickieKitties

> And this [BEEP] inside Barnes and Noble needs to fuckin control her fuckin child. I'm trying to work on stuff here and she's letting her kid screaming their damn head off and everything.
> 
> This is not my fuckin day today. I just want to work in peace and I can't even get that in a damn library.



Ah, this and the honking thing sounds pretty awful. :/ Surely your day will only improve from here on out.  :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

> Ah, this and the honking thing sounds pretty awful. :/ Surely your day will only improve from here on out.



Thank you, dear. I know it will. I just need to freakin breathe and let some things go. I'm having trouble atm letting go the car situation. It just really pissed me off like no other today.

----------


## VickieKitties

> Thank you, dear. I know it will. I just need to freakin breathe and let some things go. I'm having trouble atm letting go the car situation. It just really pissed me off like no other today.



It's ok, you're doing great!  ::):  I'm too anxious to drive at all, you're brave in my eyes.
Try not to let the car thing stick in your craw, they don't know you.

----------


## SmileyFace

I'm over the car thing now, thankfully.

Now another thing to be irritated about. Was telling an acquaintance of mine that I passed my geology lab exam with a C+. I'm rather happy, to be honest lol.. science is definitely not my forte... not even CLOSE. So I'm rather content that I got a C+ and not a D or F. That would have sucked big time. Anyone who can't stand science classes would be happy to have passed with at least a C on an exam. Well, this acquaintance of mine... he apparently LOVES geology, so he thought it was acceptable of him to tell me "You could do better than that."

Wtf. Really? I feel like I shouldn't get my panties up in a bunch over that remark, but it's like... come on now. I notice they like to make snide remarks whenever I get anything below an A or B on an exam or as a final class grade. It's not like they did any better when they went to school, so this just irks me. I can't stand people like that.

I tried to "go along" with what they said and told them "Well... ya.. there were questions i blanked out on that I could have easily gotten right if I my mind didn't slip."

Their response: Well don't talk about it. Be about it. You about it?"

...

smfh. This automatically makes me not want to talk to them anymore. I've already been annoyed with them a bit this past week or so, so I've been talking to them a lot less.

----------


## Koalafan

Owie...back really hurts  ::(:  I swear I have the back of a 70 year old  :Tongue:

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Ugh... I am not a "morning person".

----------


## VickieKitties

> Ugh... I am not a "morning person".



 :Hug:   :Coffee:

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Kind of want to hang myself, but I think I'll make eggs and toast instead. Â¬_Â¬

----------


## cmed

When did October become June? I'm pretty sure I've never felt the urge to have a poolside barbecue right before Halloween. If I remember correctly, it's supposed to start getting cold this time of year.

----------


## Chantellabella

> I'm over the car thing now, thankfully.
> 
> Now another thing to be irritated about. Was telling an acquaintance of mine that I passed my geology lab exam with a C+. I'm rather happy, to be honest lol.. science is definitely not my forte... not even CLOSE. So I'm rather content that I got a C+ and not a D or F. That would have sucked big time. Anyone who can't stand science classes would be happy to have passed with at least a C on an exam. Well, this acquaintance of mine... he apparently LOVES geology, so he thought it was acceptable of him to tell me "You could do better than that."
> 
> Wtf. Really? I feel like I shouldn't get my panties up in a bunch over that remark, but it's like... come on now. I notice they like to make snide remarks whenever I get anything below an A or B on an exam or as a final class grade. It's not like they did any better when they went to school, so this just irks me. I can't stand people like that.
> 
> I tried to "go along" with what they said and told them "Well... ya.. there were questions i blanked out on that I could have easily gotten right if I my mind didn't slip."
> 
> Their response: Well don't talk about it. Be about it. You about it?"
> ...



It sounds like you had a tremendously sucking day. Yeah, the world has produced many an a-hole in the driving realm. I often wondered why the DMV doesn't give a personality test rather than a driving test. The test could detect who's going to go ape [BEEP] over lane changes and such. Then they could ban these people to a life of taking the bus with the rest of the people who talk to themselves and wet the seat. 

As for your friend's response? Have you ever seen Caddyshack? 


Ty: I like you, Betty.
Danny: It's Danny, sir.
Ty: Danny. Danny, I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen; all you have to do is get in touch with it. Stop thinking...let things happen...and be...the ball.



http://www.tcm.com/mediaroom/video/3...-The-Ball.html

----------


## SmileyFace

> It sounds like you had a tremendously sucking day. Yeah, the world has produced many an a-hole in the driving realm. I often wondered why the DMV doesn't give a personality test rather than a driving test. The test could detect who's going to go ape [BEEP] over lane changes and such. Then they could ban these people to a life of taking the bus with the rest of the people who talk to themselves and wet the seat. 
> 
> As for your friend's response? Have you ever seen Caddyshack? 
> 
> 
> Ty: I like you, Betty.
> Danny: It's Danny, sir.
> Ty: Danny. Danny, I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen; all you have to do is get in touch with it. Stop thinking...let things happen...and be...the ball.
> 
> ...



My day yesterday was good overall, but just those major annoyances were so ugh. I still thought about the geology thing today... and felt pissed off again. Since I stopped responding to their texts last night, they're now emailing me, acting like nothing is wrong  ::\:  I'm just not going to talk to them much (or at all) now... It's hard for me to forgive people who act like my parents. Rude, condescending, and often raining on other people's parades.

Agreed with the DMV thing though. There really are people out there who shouldn't be driving at all. Period.

I don't understand the Caddy Shack thing.

----------


## Chantellabella

> My day yesterday was good overall, but just those major annoyances were so ugh. I still thought about the geology thing today... and felt pissed off again. Since I stopped responding to their texts last night, they're now emailing me, acting like nothing is wrong  I'm just not going to talk to them much (or at all) now... It's hard for me to forgive people who act like my parents. Rude, condescending, and often raining on other people's parades.
> 
> Agreed with the DMV thing though. There really are people out there who shouldn't be driving at all. Period.
> 
> I don't understand the Caddy Shack thing.



 ::):  

Be the ball................ be about it. 

I might be losing it. That scene just came to mind when they said "be" about it. 

Don't worry. I have a very strange sense of humor. I laughed for days when the dark knight got his arms and legs cut off in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The more the blood squirted out, the more I laughed.

----------


## SmileyFace

Get the ball rolling, basically? Oh  my goodness I feel so slow lmao sorry. I feel like I should watch this movie to get it... and yes, I've never seen that film o_o Have heard nothing but good stuff about it too lol

----------


## Member11

Go away, mosquito.  ::(:

----------


## Chantellabella

> Get the ball rolling, basically? Oh  my goodness I feel so slow lmao sorry. I feel like I should watch this movie to get it... and yes, I've never seen that film o_o Have heard nothing but good stuff about it too lol



Actually the point was that the guy, Ty, was waaaayyyy off base in the realm of reality and life struggles. He had no idea what the kid Danny was dealing with, yet when he talked to him, he sounded very philosophical and wise.  In other words, my response to your friends would be, "huh?" because they obviously have no clue what you were saying to them, but they wanted to sound like a zen master anyway.  ::):   In slang terms............they was bullshitting ya on their smarts, baby.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Alarm was set for 7AM, I apparently turned it off and slept until 9AM. Now I only have an hour and a half to get ready to go. Derp.

----------


## Otherside

My godamn mood. Is so out of control today. In public.

----------


## SmileyFace

Feeling ugly even on the inside tonight. I'm trying to overcome this before I let it consume me like it has for the past few yrs  ::\:

----------


## Koalafan

Is anybody as bad at "small talk" as I am? Seriously...it's almost speaking a foreign language I just NEVER know what to say =/

----------


## VickieKitties

> Is anybody as bad at "small talk" as I am? Seriously...it's almost speaking a foreign language I just NEVER know what to say =/



That's the point at which I monologue about serial killers.  They're either into it, or they leave you alone, it's a win win.  Just yammer about whatever, it doesn't matter. :b

----------


## Koalafan

> That's the point at which I monologue about serial killers.  They're either into it, or they leave you alone, it's a win win.  Just yammer about whatever, it doesn't matter. :b



I might have to take you up on this advice!  ::D:

----------


## SmileyFace

I feel a bit anti-social this week. I mean, I'm totally cool with small talk with people... but as far as hanging out for a little while, I just don't feel like it this week. Because I still need to stay in my "Jen Cave" (like, you know... man cave.. but it's Jen Cave..cuz Jen is my name lol). For some reason though, I'm having a bit of a hard time accepting it and allowing myself to enjoy this Jen Cave of mine in peace. I feel like there's something wrong with me because most of the time I want to interact with people regularly even though... with the most outgoing people, sometimes even they have to have some time to themselves to refuel, so to speak. And I know I'm in need of refueling and whatnot for another few days or so. I want to hang out with my special someone, I was going to do so tomorrow... but right now at this moment, I don't have a desire to because I just don't feel like it. A part of me feels bad *sigh* even though it's nothing against him to begin with lol

I'm just going to give myself some more space. I've been enjoying the Jen Cave quite a bit lately, especially this weekend. Was kind of shocked to see how less anxious I've been as well as being able to get some things done that I always wanted to do but never had the time due to school and internship. I'm in for a relatively easier week this week too, plenty of downtime, thankfully. That's just what I've been needing.

I guess this isn't exactly something that's BOTHERING me. Well, it is.... but it sure as hell isn't anywhere as bad as the other [BEEP] that's bothered me for the past few weeks that I'd rant about on here.

----------


## kc1895

Here's my turn to feel a bit suicidal.  I know some of you have these thoughts, as they circle and come around to everybody.  Awareness was not with me today.  I wish I can go to sleep and never wake up again.  I want to drive the car with the lowest safety rating and I want to not wear a seat belt when I crash violently.  I want the occasional pain in my chest to be congential heart failure.  As sick as it may sound, I want to take away your cancer and make it mine.  Mine to suffer and mine to end.  Good night world that stays forever the same, with or without me. <3<3<3

----------


## Chantellabella

> Here's my turn to feel a bit suicidal.  I know some of you have these thoughts, as they circle and come around to everybody.  Awareness was not with me today.  I wish I can go to sleep and never wake up again.  I want to drive the car with the lowest safety rating and I want to not wear a seat belt when I crash violently.  I want the occasional pain in my chest to be congential heart failure.  As sick as it may sound, I want to take away your cancer and make it mine.  Mine to suffer and mine to end.  Good night world that stays forever the same, with or without me. <3<3<3



I would miss you terribly.  ::(:  


 :Hug:

----------


## Koalafan

> Here's my turn to feel a bit suicidal.  I know some of you have these thoughts, as they circle and come around to everybody.  Awareness was not with me today.  I wish I can go to sleep and never wake up again.  I want to drive the car with the lowest safety rating and I want to not wear a seat belt when I crash violently.  I want the occasional pain in my chest to be congential heart failure.  As sick as it may sound, I want to take away your cancer and make it mine.  Mine to suffer and mine to end.  Good night world that stays forever the same, with or without me. <3<3<3



 :Hug:   :Hug:   :Hug:   :Hug:   :Hug:   :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

Why is it that the worse people on the planet win? 

What about the good guys? You know........the ones fighting for children's rights. The ones asking to be treated with decency? The ones only trying to not be bullied and abused every day? 

Don't they ever get a turn?

----------


## SmileyFace

Now I see why some people get annoyed when I'm oversensitive or can't take a joke. Someone I know can never take my jokes well, especially when my intentions are FAR from trying to offend or hurt them. Now I don't even know what to do with them. Feels like I can't say anything without them taking what I just said too seriously *sigh* And I *hate* offending people, especially without meaning to.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Buh bye forums.

----------


## Koalafan

Well...that interview didnt go very well ><

----------


## SmileyFace

Almost everything and everybody pisses me off today.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Well...that interview didnt go very well ><



I'm sorry, my friend.  ::(:

----------


## Chantellabella

> Almost everything and everybody pisses me off today.



Sounds like you've been having a rough time lately. Sorry.  :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

> Sounds like you've been having a rough time lately. Sorry.



I know much of it has to do with me. I vowed to myself to be more positive...esp since I know my life really isn't all that bad at all. But.. I let people and things piss me off so easily, and I'm definitely not the confrontational type of person..but I know I should be so pricks can get off my back. I feel like I'm still allowing myself to be walked all over a bit  ::\: 

And...some things that piss me off today normally doesn't bother me on my good days.

*sigh*

----------


## Chantellabella

> I know much of it has to do with me.



It's good to have self awareness, but make sure you're not taking responsibility for somebody else's bad behavior. There are people out there who love to place blame on others, so remember that all relationships and interactions are 50% responsibility for both parties. 





> I vowed to myself to be more positive...esp since I know my life really isn't all that bad at all.



You know, positive outlooks are linked to how you feel. If you feel hurt, then it's hard to be hopeful. If that hurt is from someone else and you're stuck in a situation where you can't do much about it, well, that makes being positive doubly harder. I know for me, it's a natural progression to think and feel positively when my needs are being met - needs of acceptance, respect, compassion towards me. 






> ...esp since I know my life really isn't all that bad at all.



Hurt is hurt. Pain is pain. So don't negate your hurts, ok? 

 :Hug:

----------


## Coffee

Well my house caught on fire, lol. So that's kind of annoying. All of my uni work is damaged, all of my textbooks are drenched, I've had to email all of my lecturers asking for extensions, I've had to deal with a whole bunch of people, and everything is just such a mess right now. 

On that note, apologies to everyone I've not been able to get back to on anxietyspace. See above for the reason why haha.

----------


## Otherside

So my ear is throbbing. _Again_. Like there's pressure in it. Just like it felt before in ruptured last year. I seriously hope this isn't the start of it deciding to rerupture.

----------


## Antidote

Passive smoke.  ::

----------


## func

Life

----------


## SmileyFace

> Well my house caught on fire, lol. So that's kind of annoying. All of my uni work is damaged, all of my textbooks are drenched, I've had to email all of my lecturers asking for extensions, I've had to deal with a whole bunch of people, and everything is just such a mess right now. 
> 
> On that note, apologies to everyone I've not been able to get back to on anxietyspace. See above for the reason why haha.



Holy crap... how did that happen?  :O_O:  I hope everyone in the house is okay (physically and all).

----------


## Koalafan

> Well my house caught on fire, lol. So that's kind of annoying. All of my uni work is damaged, all of my textbooks are drenched, I've had to email all of my lecturers asking for extensions, I've had to deal with a whole bunch of people, and everything is just such a mess right now. 
> 
> On that note, apologies to everyone I've not been able to get back to on anxietyspace. See above for the reason why haha.



Oh..my..god! Emergency koala hug!  :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

I was going over my personal essay earlier this morning. I'm getting the final opportunity to re-do it, so the final draft will be due this upcoming Wednesday (thank goodness, because I didn't feel all too satisfied with it just yet lol). As I read it over, I got so emotional. I wrote about some traumatic events I never really thought of sharing with a lot of people, especially people I don't really talk to. As a whole, I feel okay about sharing it with people, I really am. I'm okay with letting others know what I've gone through... but I'm scared of sharing the nitty gritty details with my someone special. I'm totally okay with telling him, I want him to know, and he wants to know too. But I have this fear again that I will look bad... to this day, after being abused by my parents and my ex in the past, I still feel guilty over it -- esp the abuse by my ex. I feel... dirty. Not dirty in like... I feel like I'm slutty or something (it was sexual abuse), but I don't know how else to explain it. I just don't feel "pure" or whatever. I feel like something's gone forever and ever, but I can't put my finger on what that is. I just know I feel so dirty, and I feel guilty. I've been feeling that way A LOT today.

I had the urge to cry after reading over my essay, and I knew I couldn't hold it in any longer so I went to the restroom to do that. I was at Barnes and Noble by the way, so it would have been weird trying to hide myself crying in the cafe area... so I sat in a restroom stall for a good 30 minutes or so crying like hell. It's still not enough though, I feel there's tons more crying I need to do. I just felt so awful. I was thinking about all these things I had gone through, and although I'm doing a lot better now (I don't have to put up with my ex anymore), I still feel like complete shit. I dunno if this is a relapse or that I never truly "moved on" (or both?), but I just felt so awful and I still do right now. And I desperately want to tell my special someone, but I just feel so ashamed. I know I shouldn't feel this way, I didn't do anything wrong, but I can't help it. I feel like a horrible person. I don't feel like a "clean" person because of what had happened 4 years ago. I had been doing totally fine for the past few years pushing all that behind like it never happened... but as of recently, as I take the time to dig deep into my emotions and everything surrounding the sexual, physical, and verbal abuse, I just been having little breakdowns here and there.

Maybe I never properly thought about things, allowing myself to just feel the pain that came with this experience. Once I broke up with him, I immediately tried pushing everything behind me... pretend none of that ever happened. I guess that wasn't the way to do things... because now, all these emotions are rushing in recently and it feels a bit too much to handle. It feels painful to experience the same emotions I have right now that I had 4 years ago...  ::\:

----------


## Chantellabella

> Well my house caught on fire, lol. So that's kind of annoying. All of my uni work is damaged, all of my textbooks are drenched, I've had to email all of my lecturers asking for extensions, I've had to deal with a whole bunch of people, and everything is just such a mess right now. 
> 
> On that note, apologies to everyone I've not been able to get back to on anxietyspace. See above for the reason why haha.



OMGosh! What happened? Is everybody ok? I'm so sorry to hear that this happened. Was everything damaged or was it partial damage? I'm glad you're ok.  Well, except your school work and everything. But I mean physically. Were you in the house when it happened?

----------


## Chantellabella

I brought Boudreaux to the shelter today.  ::(:  

How could I be so cruel?  ::(:  

Poor Boudreaux  ::(:  

I'm so sorry.  ::(:  


 ::

----------


## Coffee

Thanks everyone - everyone is safe and ok  ::

----------


## SmileyFace

> Thanks everyone - everyone is safe and ok



That's good to hear!!!!!




I just got home right now from covering an event for the newspaper I intern for. I'm so tired... and that's probably a huge reason as to why I feel so anxious. I felt so anxious driving home, it was awful. I suppose it is possible for fatigue to cause anxiety -- and it can be the other way around as well. I'm sleepy too of course... and I know that when I'm sleepy and tired altogether, it's a bit of a mess. Should go to sleep in a bit. It's about 12:30am here.

----------


## SmileyFace

Starting to think I may have PTSD.

----------


## L

Some people need to learn how to human

----------


## VickieKitties

> Starting to think I may have PTSD.



 :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

> 



 :Hug: 





> Some people need to learn how to human



This made me laugh, but it couldn't be any more true.

----------


## ashes

I'm without an identity. A mere amalgamation of others, a cheap knockoff, a fake. Why do I feel like others _own_ certain traits, behaviours, likes and if it's theirs, then it can't be mine and if I want it, then I'm not myself: I am them.

----------


## Misssy

A lack of vascular hearts is what is bothering me

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Looks like I'll be spending a few hours fixing some computer issues. Oh boy.

----------


## L

Was meant to be doing my assignment all day today but instead met a friend and took the day off planning to get it done tomorrow (haven't seen said friend in ages). Not long ago I got a text asking it 9am tomorrow is okay to met for learning support ie. to look over my assignment......going to be a long night....

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> Looks like I'll be spending a few hours fixing some computer issues. Oh boy.



Ugh, this is taking forever.

----------


## SmileyFace

I'm stressed to the point where I'm having some memory problems, forgetting things I never, ever fail to remember.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Well, I don't think it's my SSD that's failing, but unless swapping in a new SATA cable fixes the problem that means my motherboards SATA controller is pooping all over itself. Seems to only be on port 0 though, so I could just not use that port. I'm not a huge fan of side-stepping an issue and waiting for it to get worse, though—if either the drive or the mobo turns out to be the culprit they're both still under warranty. Regardless, I'm tired of troubleshooting this nonsense for today.

----------


## Misssy

My feet hurt

----------


## L

Why is academic writing so hard for me - I feel so stupid  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

This personal essay I have been working on for class for the past 3 weeks is driving me insane.

----------


## Sagan

I'm 29 with heart disease. Left valve is enlarged. I'm on more meds now than my mother. Who has COPD, Osteoporosis, asthma, and other serious issues. ugh from metoprol, to propranol,  to attenolol. Not to mention the psyche meds. deary me.  Effexor, Risperidone, Serequel, Klonopin, Mirtazapine. enough already.

----------


## VickieKitties

Need to change my phone number.  Evil exes are evil.

----------


## L

I need to poop but too cosy in bed to move

----------


## Coffee

> I have to conduct interviews for a research project. I HAVE TO CONDUCT THE INTERVIEWS. I. I AM CONDUCTING INTERVIEWS. I feel like I'm going to die. I don't know when it's happening or if I even have participants yet, but the thought of doing it makes me uneasy. I don't have any training in the interview method and for some reason my uni trusts second year students with conducting independent projects (wtf) and I'm worried I'm going to break my participants.



bam. did it. didn't break them.

----------


## Member11

> bam. did it. didn't break them.



Congrats  ::):

----------


## L

> bam. did it. didn't break them.



Go you - I am conducting a research proposal at the moment but don't have to carry out the research. I would die, like my heart would stop. So go you!!!

----------


## Coffee

> Congrats







> Go you - I am conducting a research proposal at the moment but don't have to carry out the research. I would die, like my heart would stop. So go you!!!



Thank you! I'm also doing another research proposal for a different subject and so thankful I don't actually have to do it haha.

----------


## SmileyFace

I hate it when people give weird responses when I ask if they want to hang out. I told my special someone if I can see them tomorrow.. they kept asking why... and what I want to talk about (I told them I wanted to talk about some things). After a series of questions, they said ok. That just left me thinking I must be bothering them... I know they're busy too, so I told them I didnt wanna take away time for them to work on a project etc... but they said well you asked me if I wanna hang out and I said yes which is still the answer, so whatever  you wanna do is cool.

Why can't people give simple responses? What the hell. If I didn't want to hang out (whether or not I'm busy), I'll make it clear to someone. If I want to hang out with someone when they ask, I'll make it clear to them too.

I even told this person what I wanted to talk about but apparently my response was not clear enough to them.

This is one more thing for me to talk to them about tomorrow. Now I feel more anxious than I already have been.

I asked a friend if we can meet up the other day and even she was beating around the bush. I don't know what was so hard about telling me she had to work on some things and that we can hang out the next day (which we did).

I know I can sometimes be all upset or feel a bit down when someone can't hang out, but in the end.. I'd rather someone be clear with me rather than beat around the bush. Good grief.

----------


## Misssy

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMETHING IS BOTHERING MEEEEEE AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay I just had to say that, when is something not bothering 

bothering 

bothering

----------


## Coffee

I was too optimistic initially when assessing the fire damage to my work. It's much worse than I thought.

I have no notes and my exams are soon.

----------


## merc

Today, I felt like curling up in a little ball and screaming. I didn't do that of course because I'd have probably disturbed people, but I really felt like it.

----------


## Otherside

So companies have decided its okay to take random amounts of money out of my account when they so please. So pissed off right now. And now I'm going to have to spend a lot more money calling the 090 bank number and customer service. Which also just so happens to be in America. So I have to now make an overseas call on a Premium rate number.

----------


## Koalafan

I feel like Im going to loose one of my closest friends over this shitty situation  ::(:

----------


## L

I care about people too much

----------


## SmileyFace

I think I made a mistake telling my special someone about the time I was sexually assaulted years ago  ::\:  Either that, or he just doesn't know how to react...

----------


## Koalafan

Haven't left my house in three days...should probably atleast drive somewhere  :Confused:

----------


## SmileyFace

I can't even tell anymore whether or not I have the right to be angry about something.

----------


## Misssy

> I think I made a mistake telling my special someone about the time I was sexually assaulted years ago  Either that, or he just doesn't know how to react...



I would say maybe give it some time. It is a LOT to hear and assimilate that information and make sense out of it. He probably doesn't know how to react.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> I think I made a mistake telling my special someone about the time I was sexually assaulted years ago  Either that, or he just doesn't know how to react...



I'm in agreement with Misssy. Some people don't process information like that as quickly as others, it may take him a little time for it to settle in his mind.

----------


## L

Dropped my laptop on my foot - it REALLY hurts  ::(:

----------


## Chantellabella

I'm sorry ya'll for being a [BEEP] today.  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

> I'm sorry ya'll for being a [BEEP] today.



*hugs*

----------


## L

To tired and sore to face the world today - I call a sick bad day but I have to get up in 30 mins

----------


## SmileyFace

I feel so angry at myself...

----------


## meeps

all righty then...will never friend anyone first again.

----------


## SmileyFace

I should probably stop telling people if I feel I didn't do too well on a test. I should just lie and think I did fantastic. Or if I failed, I'll just not share it all.

Why? Because more and more people think they can just call me a damn slacker when it's not like I'm the only one in the world who flunks a damn test or gets a C. Or feels they didn't do as well.

Why does it always have to be me that people throw such comments at... if someone told me they felt they didn't do too well on a test, I'd simply say "I'm sorry to hear, hope you did well.. if not, just do your best next time." Not "WOW, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED! YOU SLACKER! YOU DUMBASS! YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT!"

ugh.

----------


## Koalafan

Bad thoughts are coming  ::(:

----------


## James

I'm grieving.  I really don't think I'm ever going to be able to move on from this.  It's been a year and a half, and not much has changed.  I'm beyond depressed.

----------


## SmileyFace

Feeling rather ignored since yesterday. Sent someone a text last night... and still no response from them. And yet, they are posting here and there online. Something tells me there's nothing wrong going on... but it's making me so fuckin anxious like crazy tonight seeing that they just posted but still no response to my text.

It feels so awkward when this happens with them.. even when they do eventually get back to me. No matter how I deal with this, it just feels so awkward.

I want to stop getting my panties up in a bunch over things like this too. I don't always respond to texts quickly either... esp when I'm busy or I'm going through that odd period of wanting to be alone etc.... but bleh

Maybe I just need sleep. When I'm tired and lacking sleep, I def get anxious over strange things such as this.

----------


## L

I advised one of the people I look after in the nursing home to stop talking about other people and giving out private information. She got so angry, spat and almost hit me.

----------


## SmileyFace

> I advised one of the people I look after in the nursing home to stop talking about other people and giving out private information. She got so angry, spat and almost hit me.



Wow, do other employees have the same issue with her too? Has she done that to other staff members as well? That really sucks. Sounds like this sort of thing happens often when it comes to this lady.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Life has never looked so bleak. Exhausted, sad, lonely. Desperate for this to change.

----------


## Misssy

I just moved, I move a lot by the way and it kind of stresses me out. The place I moved to I am not super excited about. Kind of having a high anxiety evening. Going to sleep if I can.

----------


## nemmm3

extremely stressed, i just seem to have so much stuff to do in such little time.

----------


## L

> Wow, do other employees have the same issue with her too? Has she done that to other staff members as well? That really sucks. Sounds like this sort of thing happens often when it comes to this lady.



I don't think other people care if someone was talking about someone else. I have had a few run ins with her. One day I was giving out lunch and she reached across the table to grab off the try I was dispensing from, I had to ask her to wait her turn and she lost it at me. I stay my distance, but if someone was giving out her private information I would have acted the same way.

----------


## Bocconcini

Feeling so tired all the time. Anytime I sit down I feel like I could easily fall asleep. But keep myself from doing it because I won't sleep at night.

----------


## L

Angry and ashamed at myself for feeling shellfish. I can't wait to run away from my family  ::(:

----------


## L

There are a lot of reasons someone could feels tired a lot, have you explored any thing?

----------


## Sagan

Angiogram tomorrow with Cardiologist. Bad heart valve ugh

----------


## L

My hands are shaking like mad

----------


## nemmm3

I had an anxious moment today where I could feel an anxiety attack coming.
I was stick in a room with a lot of people and suddenly got super nervous.
Also, I have soooooo many assignments and tests to study for and its all due within about 2 weeks. I'm so stressed that I keep getting constant migraines and feel sick a lot of the time.

----------


## VickieKitties

Sick of coworkers comments about how pale I am, stupid sisters got all the pigmentation.   Sucks.

----------


## Koalafan

^
Pshhh their just jelly of us pale people  :Tongue:  Haters gonna hate  :Smoke: 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Man does going to the dentist suck. Had to get my teeth scraped into for what felt like hours  :Tongue: . But atleast my teeth are all nice and pretty  ::):

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I'm putting every part of me into something that I know will result in failure and even worse pain. I've sacrificed time with my family and friends, my health, my entire life... to do this. Every single day. To be belittled, made to feel worthless, have the anxiety choke me, feel less than nothing, and not even have time to find comfort with the ones I love. And in the end it'll be all for nothing- "I'm sorry, you tried but you still suck." 

[BEEP] me, seriously.

----------


## CeCe

> I'm putting every part of me into something that I know will result in failure and even worse pain. I've sacrificed time with my family and friends, my health, my entire life... to do this. Every single day. To be belittled, made to feel worthless, have the anxiety choke me, feel less than nothing, and not even have time to find comfort with the ones I love. And in the end it'll be all for nothing- "I'm sorry, you tried but you still suck." 
> 
> [BEEP] me, seriously.



 ::(:

----------


## L

> Sick of coworkers comments about how pale I am, stupid sisters got all the pigmentation.   Sucks.



Aw, I love being pale, I bet it really suit you!

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Lots of stuff. Maybe I should just sleep all day. Â¬_Â¬

----------


## James

I'm really missing someone. I like to sleep, because there's always a chance I might dream of her.  And I have this overwhelming hopeless feeling of impending doom.  Lately with every passing day it becomes more and more clear that I'm going to die totally friendless and completely alone.

----------


## Misssy

Today I had a full-on panic attack at work. I ended up leaving early and feel very very bad about leaving work earlier due to being under a lot of pressure to have a regular income and to keep a job.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Being in a state where you're not depressed enough to go through with killing yourself, but not well enough to function otherwise.

The meaning in death is that you're leaving behind something of worth. If you had nothing to leave behind, then death would have no meaning. Would it.

Life is falling apart. I wish for once I was brave enough to give myself the peace I need for so long. Away from people, from the anxiety that chokes me, the blankness that fills my mind. The emptiness I feel, the pain that comes from how much I love my family but don't deserve. 

I've been living on borrowed time for so long.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Being in a state where you're not depressed enough to go through with killing yourself, but not well enough to function otherwise.
> 
> The meaning in death is that you're leaving behind something of worth. If you had nothing to leave behind, then death would have no meaning. Would it.
> 
> Life is falling apart. I wish for once I was brave enough to give myself the peace I need for so long. Away from people, from the anxiety that chokes me, the blankness that fills my mind. The emptiness I feel, the pain that comes from how much I love my family but don't deserve. 
> 
> I've been living on borrowed time for so long.



I'm sorry that you're struggling right now. It sound like you're in a lot of pain.  ::(:

----------


## Chantellabella

> Today I had a full-on panic attack at work. I ended up leaving early and feel very very bad about leaving work earlier due to being under a lot of pressure to have a regular income and to keep a job.



Panic attacks are awful, huh? I'm sorry that this happened. I've been there and well, it just sucks. Give yourself some slack about it happening. You're human, my friend.  :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

> I'm really missing someone. I like to sleep, because there's always a chance I might dream of her.  And I have this overwhelming hopeless feeling of impending doom.  Lately with every passing day it becomes more and more clear that I'm going to die totally friendless and completely alone.



James, although we're not right down the street, you're not friendless around us ok? We can listen and support you. I know how alone it can feel sometimes. Please reach out to us. We're great listeners here. It may take us a few days to get to you, but that doesn't mean we don't care.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Lots of stuff. Maybe I should just sleep all day. Â¬_Â¬



Move over, we can both find that cave and put the blanket over our heads until the stuff passes. There should be a smiley where it puts a bag over it's head. That sounds like what you and I could use, huh? At least for a little while. I know I'd like to hide too for about a month.  :Hug:

----------


## James

> James, although we're not right down the street, you're not friendless around us ok? We can listen and support you. I know how alone it can feel sometimes. Please reach out to us. We're great listeners here. It may take us a few days to get to you, but that doesn't mean we don't care.



Thanks, Chanty

----------


## Chantellabella

> Thanks, Chanty



 :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

I find it a bit strange that people haven't been talking to me much. We'd chat so often for the past few weeks, then suddenly..this week, they're dead quiet. Responses to texts are very short and vague. Or I don't get responses at all. Same goes to Skype chats.. They'd message me first, but there's really not much of a conversation going on, like right now. It doesn't make sense to me. It's like, if you aren't even bothering to talk much, then why contact me in the first place? I guess I'd rather have that happen than nobody contact me at all, but still. I was texting with a friend of mine this morning and she just totally disappeared after I asked her for help on something... it's a bit irritating having to help your friends all the time, that's almost the only time they'd even talk to you... but anything else, not a peep from them.

----------


## Misssy

Thanks Chanti, Hi Grumpy Cat, Hi James 

I am tired and overwhelmed so going to sleep early. And lonely

----------


## Koalafan

Bah...feeling incredibly anti-social and just plain shitty

----------


## minted

I get really scared when I'm home alone I don't know what to do

----------


## L

I am a social retard and I need to stop trusting people. I asked my friend to join my at a party that I was going to because everyone was kind of paired off so it would be odd not having a buddy - I spend about an hour and a half on my own in the club - I almost started crying and she didn't give a dam, gave some lame excuse about getting separated - I don't want to see her for a very long time again!

----------


## L

> I get really scared when I'm home alone I don't know what to do



I find it is easy to creep yourself out - if you keep busy and take your mind off the fact you might feel better xxx When I am alone at night I get the dog to sleep in my room and the dog is not aloud upstairs usually

----------


## Misssy

> I am a social retard and I need to stop trusting people. I asked my friend to join my at a party that I was going to because everyone was kind of paired off so it would be odd not having a buddy - I spend about an hour and a half on my own in the club - I almost started crying and she didn't give a dam, gave some lame excuse about getting separated - I don't want to see her for a very long time again!



That Friend sucks

----------


## SmileyFace

I feel so angry about a lot of people...

----------


## Misssy

Tired and becoming old.

----------


## Bocconcini

Woke up because of a bad dream? Woke up feeling shook up and a racing heart beat. Tried to get back to sleep but got that sinking stomach feeling and ended up just getting up and making breakfast. Now I have that feeling where i'm just "out of myself". I have to work today and don't want this feeling all day... blahh.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

There's still so much I miss. But I feel like there's more and more people telling me there's no hope. I see scorn, disdain, and pity in every glance. 

Even a friend who had long supported me suggested that I shouldn't become a nurse anymore. That hurt more than anything my instructor could have said to me.

Everyone secretly thinks this about me, don't they? 

I wish I were dead. Brave the cold and never hurt this way again. I just wanted to spend some time with my dad, my best friend. One more time. Tell them I love them, I love them so much. Memories are what makes it so hard to let go.

----------


## Chantellabella

Can I just scream and run away? I can't even describe stuff right now. I just don't want to relive a minute of it by talking about it. 

I'm definitely walking uphill in the snow barefoot. Now I get it.

----------


## L

I have had sore eyes the last few days - now I wake and they are really puffy, not looked in the mirror yet but I guess I look a sight. I am meant to be meeting my brother's girlfirend's family today!

----------


## SmileyFace

^Is that pinkeye you have?  ::(: 

I'm feeling rather irritated and on-edge today. I know much of it has to do with PMS... but it's just worse when you have anxiety issues already. I feel like snapping at people today.

----------


## Misssy

Could be allergies Lasair, I wake up with puffy eyes or like Grumpy says conjunctivitis 

For allergies, I put cold water on my face and take half of a little allergy pill when I go to sleep at night otherwise they make me tired.

----------


## SmileyFace

*sigh* I'm trying to focus on some assignments, but the kids next door keep screaming and crying.

----------


## L

My crazy house mate is here - I have lived here over a month and still not met her (the other two are lovely). From the stories I have heard I am sleeping with my door locked tonight

----------


## SmileyFace

> My crazy house mate is here - I have lived here over a month and still not met her (the other two are lovely). From the stories I have heard *I am sleeping with my door locked tonight*



Why is that  ::o:

----------


## James

I'm really missing someone, so much it hurts.

----------


## Misssy

Missing something is the worst    ::(:

----------


## Misssy

> Can I just scream and run away? I can't even describe stuff right now. I just don't want to relive a minute of it by talking about it. 
> 
> I'm definitely walking uphill in the snow barefoot. Now I get it.



Hi Chanti

----------


## VickieKitties

Cutting to preempt the despair associated with Monday mornings.  Maybe this isn't the best day for a fast, wish there was anything I could eat that wouldn't make me feel like a cow.

----------


## Otherside

The internet. I need to stop taking it so seriously and letting it get to me.

----------


## James

I fucking hate my life.  The only thing I look forward to anymore is sleep.

----------


## VickieKitties

How many times, in how many ways, do I have to tell this creep "No"?

----------


## SmileyFace

This person only talks to me when they have problems. I don't ever hear from them unless they want to load all their BS on me. Plus, when they ask me how things are on my end and I proceed to explain, they just don't care. It's like I'm not even there. And once more, they just disappear for another month or 2 before coming back again with more drama and  made-up BS, trying to gain sympathy.

----------


## Misssy

I feel lonely.

----------


## Misssy

> I fucking hate my life.  The only thing I look forward to anymore is sleep.



Yah I know what you mean man. Sometimes life is hard.

----------


## toaster little

People who give unsolicited advice and opinions.  I just had someone do that in a different chat room.  Sooooo annoying.  Unfortunately, I am not a mod, so I can't kick or ban him.  It's frustrating that my only options are to put up with it (and ignore) or leave.

For example, you can talk about how you're interviewing for jobs and talking about how you can't decide among your choices, and some jackass comes in saying "LOL you think you're their only option of a new employee?"

----------


## Misssy

Everything is bothering me that is what

----------


## SmileyFace

supposed friend comes to me for help. I try my best to help her... but she keeps acting like my advice is pathetic, tells me it's too late at night to listen to questions and "deep solutions." So I stopped giving her advice, and just simply told her "Sorry you're having a rough time." And she gets mad because I'm "not helping her like a friend should."

What the [BEEP] do you want me to do???

Wow, some people...

----------


## Koalafan

Oh the usual...panic attacks, on the verge of tears, wanting to sleep and never wake up...the usual I guess.

----------


## Misssy

My daily complaint: That I am living within somebody else's home and I am way too old to be living like this. 

My room is too small and there are no good common areas. There is a whole room taken up my dogs and a drum set that just sits there. An uncomfortable dining room with personal belongings strewn about. A "living" room where somebody sleeps.

----------


## SmileyFace

Really irritated about everything. Everything easily irritates me right now.

----------


## James

I'm really missing someone.

----------


## SmileyFace

I'm so tired of being everyone's therapist... and when I try to unleash what's bothering me, hardly anyone listens. They suddenly have to go somewhere, they suddenly have to go sleep... they suddenly have to do something other than hearing me out.

Dreading a phone call I'm supposed to get in 10 mins from a "friend." Only time I hear from her now is when she is trying to leech off me to get ahead... nobody really helps me jumpstart my career, so why should I hold someone else's hand during the ordeal...

----------


## toaster little

> I'm so tired of being everyone's therapist... and when I try to unleash what's bothering me, hardly anyone listens. They suddenly have to go somewhere, they suddenly have to go sleep... they suddenly have to do something other than hearing me out.
> 
> Dreading a phone call I'm supposed to get in 10 mins from a "friend." Only time I hear from her now is when she is trying to leech off me to get ahead... nobody really helps me jumpstart my career, so why should I hold someone else's hand during the ordeal...



I've had the same concerns recently.  One of the people at work who talked about my evaluations and such mentioned things I should work on, but if people don't seem very responsive and they always stare at you like they don't want to talk to you, how can you be more outgoing and speak up about stuff?

Speaking of phone calls, I end up dreading that awkward silence or having the "I have to go" speech when I want to hear them talk about what they've been up to.

----------


## SmileyFace

> I've had the same concerns recently.  One of the people at work who talked about my evaluations and such mentioned things I should work on, but *if people don't seem very responsive and they always stare at you like they don't want to talk to you, how can you be more outgoing and speak up about stuff?*
> 
> Speaking of phone calls, I end up dreading that awkward silence or having the "I have to go" speech when I want to hear them talk about what they've been up to.



I have this issue a lot, and I used to think it was fueled by my social anxiety and awkwardness. But the more I observe those I interact with and the relationships that took awful turns (where I'm being taken advantage of), I've come to the realization that in many cases, people just don't want to talk to me unless there's totally something in it for them that would really benefit them and not do much for me. There's something about me that screams out "HEY! USE ME!" even when I am trying to aim to be useless to some because I'm so tired of being taken advantage of. Maybe I'm too nice, so people find it easy to sneak in their pretend niceness to where it'd be hard for me not to help them.

*sigh* I really don't wanna walk around being so suspicious of people, but I deal with this with almost every person I come across. I know much of it has to do with me, but ugh. And people wonder why I never really ask for help. Whenever I do, people don't give me adequate help..they just blow their way through... or they don't help at all. I often feel so behind on this career path of mine... I don't even know what to do sometimes, and I usually don't see a point in asking for help if people just aren't going to help me. I went to some school administrators asking for help on some things regarding graduation and what else I need to do (since I'm a fall grade, which isn't all too common... things are different for me lol), but nobody knew. How could you not know?? You're a school administrator. And I know I'm not the only person throughout this school's history who graduated in the fall instead of the spring.

*sigh*

That "I have to go" speech is just awful. It's awful when YOU need to get things off your chest. And it's awful when YOU actually want to hear what else they've been up to aside from the oh-so-terrible stuff going on in their lives.

Seriously feel like a dumpster sometimes.

----------


## toaster little

> I have this issue a lot, and I used to think it was fueled by my social anxiety and awkwardness. But the more I observe those I interact with and the relationships that took awful turns (where I'm being taken advantage of), I've come to the realization that in many cases, people just don't want to talk to me unless there's totally something in it for them that would really benefit them and not do much for me. There's something about me that screams out "HEY! USE ME!" even when I am trying to aim to be useless to some because I'm so tired of being taken advantage of. Maybe I'm too nice, so people find it easy to sneak in their pretend niceness to where it'd be hard for me not to help them.
> 
> *sigh* I really don't wanna walk around being so suspicious of people, but I deal with this with almost every person I come across. I know much of it has to do with me, but ugh. And people wonder why I never really ask for help. Whenever I do, people don't give me adequate help..they just blow their way through... or they don't help at all. I often feel so behind on this career path of mine... I don't even know what to do sometimes, and I usually don't see a point in asking for help if people just aren't going to help me. I went to some school administrators asking for help on some things regarding graduation and what else I need to do (since I'm a fall grade, which isn't all too common... things are different for me lol), but nobody knew. How could you not know?? You're a school administrator. And I know I'm not the only person throughout this school's history who graduated in the fall instead of the spring.
> 
> *sigh*
> 
> That "I have to go" speech is just awful. It's awful when YOU need to get things off your chest. And it's awful when YOU actually want to hear what else they've been up to aside from the oh-so-terrible stuff going on in their lives.
> 
> Seriously feel like a dumpster sometimes.



It's frustrating when people can't help with questions you have.  Sometimes when I explain exactly what's going on without including too many personal details, everyone always says it's either a tough call or that they don't know what to say.

I've had times in school when I would ask some of the most outgoing and social people about advice with friends and ex-girlfriends, and they didn't say anything.  Later on when I asked them what they thought when we were alone, they were like "I just didn't know what to say."  But the weird thing is that they love telling people what to do and what to think when it comes to things going on at school.  If you were mean to some girl who had been friends with them since high school and you were leading her on or something, they would give you a lecture on why that was rude and how you were a terrible person for not considering that girl's feelings before playing with her feelings like that.

I guess it also applies to where they don't care unless the people you bring up have something to do with them personally.

Speaking of adequate help, I often find that most employees can't help me as much as I want when I'm shopping or calling customer service lines.  I usually have to get a manager to explain things to me so they'll get down to enough details to figure out what I'm looking at.

It's frustrating when people don't know things they should for their jobs.  Did you ever get the feeling that they don't take their jobs seriously or anything like that?  I've known too many people who would just ignore things at work or not care about how their company or organization worked because they would "rather spend time doing something else" because partying was more important or something.  I hear something alone those lines when people talk about how they get frustrated with phones and computers that don't work well or are not as secure as they want them to be.  It doesn't take that long to figure out how to make sure you don't have problems and protect your privacy, but it's like they think it makes you a loser to learn about how your electronics work and take an interest in what to do in situations where you want to protect yourself and be more efficient with your devices.  

If that's how little people care in general about privacy and proper functioning, I'm not sure if I would even want to ask them for help or rely on them to get things done.

----------


## SmileyFace

The thing about people not taking their jobs seriously, it's weird you bring that up... because that's something I've been thinking about a lot lately as well^. I often feel I take my field and career of choice "too seriously." It's not extreme or anything LOL, as in.. I do have other cool stuff going on in my life other than journalism, but in terms of taking things seriously and putting myself out there... doing all the work that's needed to get to where I want to be -- I feel like I'm the only person sometimes among my fellow journalism majors who actually takes stuff seriously. I know it's not just the fact that I am desperate for a job. So many people I know don't even like reading the news or watching the news, yet they're majoring in journalism. They find the news boring yet they are majoring in journalism and want to work in this field. It makes no sense.

And then when they are completely lost when doing the same work I am, they come to me crying like it's the end of the world. And I always want to tell them that maybe if they took their [BEEP] more seriously and paid attention to their field more, they wouldn't be having these problems. My "friend" I mentioned a few posts up... said to me a few times she's glad we're interning at the same place so she isn't "alone" in the struggles.

That pissed me off. It shouldn't be that way. I see what she's saying, but considering I seem to know everything that's going on and she doesn't, that's just unfair and pathetic to feel the way she does. I'm tired of people always sitting back and expecting others to hold their hand in the workfield. If you think partying is more important, then don't come crying to ME about all the things that are going wrong at work.

When I feel like I'm not good enough for this career I'm going into, I think of the people like her who don't even try to begin with... and it makes me feel better that I do have a better chance at getting work than she does. Sounds pretty messed up, but that's just how it is...

I think you and I would make great employers one day in terms of taking things seriously and expecting the same out of our employees  ::D:   ::D:   ::D:   ::D:  lol

Sorry for all this ranting, peeps  ::(:  It's just been something I've been noticing as I'm nearing the very end of my college years and the beginning of the 'real world.' Makes no sense to me that I grew up being told (by everyone, really) that hard work and determination is uber importante. But then now I'm surrounded by people (my age, of course) who think they can really land a super awesome job by being a huge freakin slacker. And I sometimes feel I'm expected to be just the same. That if you actually put in some sort of effort, you are an absolute "loser."

*rolls eyes* my, how times have changed.

----------


## toaster little

> They find the news boring yet they are majoring in journalism and want to work in this field. It makes no sense.
> 
> If you think partying is more important, then don't come crying to ME about all the things that are going wrong at work.
> 
> I think you and I would make great employers one day in terms of taking things seriously and expecting the same out of our employees     lol
> 
> But then now I'm surrounded by people (my age, of course) who think they can really land a super awesome job by being a huge freakin slacker.



I know many people in school who absolutely hate what they study, but they just look at the paycheck and that's one of the only reasons they do it.  The only way they get through their jobs every day is by pretending to be someone they think their coworkers want them to be and by putting on a face every day.  Unfortunately, I've had to work with people like this where they pretend we're BFFs in front of their coworkers, but as soon as we leave work, they're awful with all kinds of insults.  Either that or they ignore you to the point that they won't even call EMS for you if you were having a seizure or bleeding out of control (I'm exaggerating of course, but that's how bad it seems to be).

There's one person I know who will complain about anything and everything.  You could hand her a very stable job in Southern California, but she will still complain about how she hates traffic and the higher cost of living when there are plenty of people who would be happy to take her position and work in Los Angeles.  You could buy her a sports car as a present, but she will complain that it's not a coupe or a convertible.  Someone could invite her to a mansion for a party, but she'll complain that the house is way too big.  I could go on and on.

When I was in school, I always had teachers remind students that there's always someone else out there who would be happy to take our place.  They wanted us to not take this opportunity for granted and that it was a privilege to be on this path working towards our careers.

I think we'd work well together too  ::D: 

I've also heard from people who have been working for a while that students who have graduated recently tend to expect promotions within a couple of years, and some even wonder why they're not the VP in 2-3 years.  I also heard about how students in college tend to feel a little awkward when they have to have a face-to-face conversation in person since they prefer to text, email, or IM.

----------


## SmileyFace

> I've also heard from people who have been working for a while that students who have graduated recently tend to expect promotions within a couple of years, and some even wonder why they're not the VP in 2-3 years.  I also heard about how students in college tend to feel a little awkward when they have to have a face-to-face conversation in person since they prefer to text, email, or IM.



Did I read this right? VP in 2-3 years? o_o It even took folks from the generations before us a lot longer than 2-3 years to get to be a VP of something. *scratches head*

----------


## toaster little

> Did I read this right? VP in 2-3 years? o_o It even took folks from the generations before us a lot longer than 2-3 years to get to be a VP of something. *scratches head*



That's what I've heard.  From two people in two different parts of the state.

----------


## SmileyFace

lol I guess I shouldn't be surprised some recent graduates feel that way.

I feel so disconnected from myself today. I don't feel like myself at all today, and it's driving me insane. I know part of it has to do with PMS (yay aunt flow!) but whatever the cause may truly be, it feels... scary. I hope sleep helps later tonight. I can't go on like this for another day at all.

----------


## kc1895

> Oh the usual...panic attacks, on the verge of tears, wanting to sleep and never wake up...the usual I guess.



 :bopa:  Oh you stop it right now!

----------


## L

I cheated on my boyfriend in my dreams and I feel guilty now

----------


## meeps

^It happens. You can't control what your mind thinks up while dreaming (unless you're lucid)

----------


## meeps

everyone hates me

----------


## SmileyFace

> everyone hates me



 ::(:  *huge hug and a huge cup of hot chocolate*

(I hope you like hot chocolate... I mean, who doesn't... but I've met people who don't like chocolate at all. Pure blasphemy.)

----------


## toaster little

> You can't control what your mind thinks up while dreaming



Some people are obsessed with saying that it's what your subconscious secretly wants for you.  That may be true, but the way they say it gets on my nerves.

----------


## Koalafan

> Oh you stop it right now!



I actually quite needed that boppa!  :Tongue:   :Hug:

----------


## toaster little

> I actually quite needed that boppa!



I didn't know what a boppa was, so I looked it up on Urban Dictionary, but that confused me even more  ::(:   That's what's bothering me right now lol

----------


## L

> Some people are obsessed with saying that it's what your subconscious secretly wants for you.  That may be true, but the way they say it gets on my nerves.



I have no desires to cheat, I never even thought of the guy from my dream in that way.

----------


## toaster little

> I have no desires to cheat, I never even thought of the guy from my dream in that way.



Yeah I have dreams about things that I never think about or never want.

Last night, I had a dream about going to a party with a girl I'm not interested in dating, just because we were in a serious, committed relationship.

----------


## Otherside

Right. So lets see...

HSBC account...apparently I use it anymore. Funds denied.

Savings account...you have been locked out.

[BEEP] off. Not happy.

----------


## James

I'm really feeling low.  Every day is the same....I play over and over in my head our last few days together, over and over again, all day long.  The shock and unrealness of it all is still as fresh as it was the day that she killed herself.  The guilt gets worse though.  I'm never going to be able to forgive myself.

----------


## Chantellabella

I got the job at the preschool. 
I'm going to be making 20,000 less than what I made 
I feel like my career is over
My house is gone
I'll buy a dive joint if I'm lucky
Don't even know how I'll survive
Talk about hitting the bottom

 ::(:  

I know I have to be grateful for getting the job
I know I have to be grateful for selling my house
I know I have to be grateful for being able to buy a place of my own

I really wish I would stop being so pathetically depressed about all this
I know this is a lesson in humility
I know I'm just feeling sorry for myself

Yeah, I know all that
It's just really hard to have lost so much
I don't know whether to cry
Or be mad at myself
Or to be mad at the bullies who caused me to leave my job
Or be mad at the world
Or to just cry

I probably need to hold my head up high and say, "La la la, whatever. La la la, oh well. La la la, it doesn't matter. La la la. Tonight. Tonight. Party on the rooftop, top of the world. Tonight. Tonight. Dancing on the edge of the Hollywood sign." 

Sigh.

----------


## peace

> I got the job at the preschool. 
> I'm going to be making 20,000 less than what I made 
> I feel like my career is over
> My house is gone
> I'll buy a dive joint if I'm lucky
> Don't even know how I'll survive
> Talk about hitting the bottom
> 
>  
> ...



Sorry to hear that you left  your job on account of bullying.  :Hug:

----------


## nemmm3

I'm graduating from high school tomorrow and I don't know whether to be excited or scared.

----------


## toaster little

> I'm graduating from high school tomorrow and I don't know whether to be excited or scared.



I feel like I'm gonna go through the same feeling when my graduation gets here in the spring.

----------


## Otherside

I know  I should be grateful for fraud detection...but its hard to not feel frustrated when you cant pay. Sigh. 

Fucking on hold music. Cant they put nirvana on or somethong? this is driving ne insane,

----------


## L

Im a miserable [BEEP] today, sigh.....

----------


## L

> I'm graduating from high school tomorrow and I don't know whether to be excited or scared.



Well done xxx

----------


## Koalafan

> Im a miserable [BEEP] today, sigh.....



 :Hug:

----------


## orb

The person that had at least 50 items at the 20 items or less checkout is still bothering me like you wouldn't believe...

----------


## James

Today my psychiatrist convinced me to start a second group therapy, for borderlines.  He thinks it might help in dealing with the feelings surrounding my girlfriend's suicide, also (guilt, grief, loss).  I think he's way, way too optimistic.  I've been in therapy most of my life, since I was 16.  I'm not going to hear anything that I haven't heard already.  I'll go through the motions I guess.

----------


## Chantellabella

I'm bothered by me. 

I'm annoying myself and I need to stop that! 

I have to focus on other things and other people. 

Snap out of it, Cindy!

----------


## toaster little

Today I talked to a girl working at a place where I want to work later on.  The thing I have to decide now is if I want to be with the girl more or if I want that job a lot more.  Dating someone in the work place is not allowed in most businesses  ::(: 

That's what's bothering me.

----------


## SmileyFace

Crying my eyes out right now. I'm so stressed and overwhelmed with work, I can't even keep up with much unless I didn't sleep at all. But I'm already lacking sleep to begin with, so I don't know anymore. And people have been pissing me off like mad lately, and they never care to hear me out when I want to get things off my chest, but when they want to [BEEP] and moan about their stupid drama, I'm expected to be all ears.

I need a better balance of things in my life, but I literally cannot find the time to balance things ok.

----------


## SmileyFace

Was just called a wuss for not liking the idea of getting Lasik eye surgery. It was meant to be as a joke, and I totally understood so. But I just didn't like it. Normally, I wouldn't get all sensitive over this, but I'm just not in a good mood today. Now I feel so anxious, worrying to death that now the whole world will view me as a sensitive prick, weak, etc.

----------


## ashes

This is really trivial but the (white)flower (black)pants I paid $40(idiocy) for have a loose string on the upper left pant leg and because there's a design, you can see black where there should be white and vice versa in only that row and it's SO IRRITATING to look at. I literally can't stop thinking about it and it's been an hour since I noticed it. I wonder if I can get it exchanged(they don't do refunds--twits) despite having taken off the tag already. EFFFF.

----------


## L

Everything is annoying me today.....can people please leave me alone

I also found out some really sad news today, people are so nasty, I just want to cuddle her so tightly and protect her from the this [BEEP] hole of a world we live in

----------


## Sagan

Hives. The damned bastards!!

----------


## Chantellabella

I can't afford to go to therapy anymore.

----------


## Skippy

I'm failing....I know this....and I just dun have anything I can really do about it.  :Rain:

----------


## toaster little

> I can't afford to go to therapy anymore.



That's a bummer  ::(:   When I made appointments at school, everything was "free" after already paying tuition for the school.  The only things I paid for were prescriptions.

----------


## Otherside

I can't sleep. I don't want to. I don't care to. I haven't done any work in a long time. I'm just...ERGHHHH!!!!

----------


## James

I'm really missing someone, all day long today, since my eyes opened this morning.  And I'm really anxious about starting the new BPD group therapy.  I wonder if I made a mistake when I agreed to do it.

----------


## Misssy

Yeah, complaints here. If I am alone and things are not good then it makes me want to complain more. I almost don't even feel like I have the energy to complain and people get tired of listening to me anyways. Oh well. WTF can I do anyhow. So screw it. 

My goal list is too long, and it's all just daily chores and trying to keep my life in order that kind of stuff.

----------


## Liam

I realised, over the course of this weekend, that I want (need) to move away. I have now idea how I can make this a reality, not any time soon.

----------


## Bocconcini

I'm so tired of feeling like crap all the time. I feel like I've done so so much to help myself feel better mentally and physically, and I still feel like shit. Sinus headaches, bad ankle, bad shoulder/arm, now my knee is starting to hurt too. I always feel so tired, like I could just take a nap whenever. Or even when I just do a little something around the house I am exhausted. The more I sleep, the more depressed I get, and the less I sleep the more tired and anxious I get. 

I feel like I am never going to win.

----------


## SmileyFace

People tell me all the time to have my own opinions about things. It's weird to people when I don't have an opinion on something, or that I do but do not share it. But the moment I share my opinion on something (either positive or negative), it's almost as if suddenly... I can't have my own opinion on something. If I do not like something, I am told I am too hard to please and have high standards. Yet, if someone else had the same negative opinion as me, hardly anyone would tell them they have high standards and are hard to please.

People are sometimes a joke.

----------


## Misssy

I just want to complain because I am not comfortable. 

The house I live in stinks like meat all the time. IT's gross the smell vent's up into my room. It doesn't go away when I open the window. 

I needed to do laundry today and couldn't. My roommate who doesn't work and is always home decided she needed to do laundry today. 

The rent in this area is so ferking expensive. I saw a room for rent with 1970's dÃ©cor for $1,000 that is just a room in a house. And it wasn't a super nice house or super big room. Hell

----------


## SmileyFace

"Friend" I intern with seems to think I can just drop everything and help out with something so petty. I had already made it clear I'll be busy for the whole entire day and night, but she still thinks it's okay to freak out over some work she has to do and wanting me to call ASAP. I haven't responded to her texts urging me to call her. I don't think I will. I'm so tired of dealing with people like this. Since ignoring her doesn't send the message across, I guess I'll do the whole subtle messages thing. This is getting so ridiculous.

----------


## VickieKitties

Monday is too lonely, already planning on some SI later.

----------


## SmileyFace

The workload stress is slowly killing me here. And it's leaving me so drained and easily angry all the time lately. I've been making time to exercise and such, but it's just not enough. It makes matters worse when some people keep demanding me to drop everything I am doing and help them with their stupid petty problems that they could easily fix themselves.

----------


## James

My heart is broken.  I have never missed or wanted someone so badly in my entire life.  God I miss her.  I go to sleep not so that I'll get rest, but in the hope that I might dream of her.

----------


## ashes

I really need to talk to someone in person about stuff and really want someone to just support me and be there and [BEEP] but I don't trust anyone enough to let them know the extent to which I'm hurting and wonder if I even have anyone who cares, anyway.

----------


## GalaxyGal78

I'm depressed and anxious about several things going on. I have some other medical problems and had injured myself at work Dec 2012. I'm still supposed to be receiving workers comp checks every week and they owe me for 3 weeks. I'm late on rent and other bills and I'm overwhelmed. All of this is just sending me over the edge. 

Sent from my Samsung Galaxy Tab 3

----------


## SmileyFace

Feeling rather sad and anxious today. I know for sure I need a break from the busy-ness of each day for the past weeks. Seriously need to do something that's not part of a darn routine I've had for a while now. I've got plans in place for that... but I don't know... in the meantime, I just been feeling so down. I know half of it has to do with me being so tired, and the other half is being so fed up with some of the people around me.

----------


## L

Can't stop crying, I feel so unwanted at home. I'm really scared about the future and what to do, no one knows how worried I am at home because they haven't bothered to ask. When I told mum my good news and wanted to share the excitement she didnt seem to care. My last day at work tomorrow and then I'm finished coming home at the weekend

----------


## Otherside

My grandfather just died.

----------


## Member11

> My grandfather just died.



I'm sorry to hear that.  ::(: 

 :Hug:  :Hug:  :Hug:  :Hug:

----------


## Antidote

My head. Still dizzy.

----------


## Chantellabella

> My grandfather just died.



Oh no, sweetie. That's awful. I just got finished giving you a birthday cake on another thread. I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather. Not a very happy birthday at all.  ::(:  I'm sorry.

----------


## kc1895

> My grandfather just died.



Im sorry to hear that.  Warm wishes for you and your family.  Peace be with you.

----------


## SmileyFace

> My grandfather just died.



 ::(:  I'm very sorry to hear.

----------


## Misssy

Roommate's dog knocked a whole bucket of saliva water onto my foot and into my expensive work shoe. Need to get new shoes now. Fuck. I think I've got a lead for a better place to live crossing my fingers.

----------


## James

> My grandfather just died.



   I'm so sorry.  Sorry for your loss.   :Hug:

----------


## nemmm3

> My grandfather just died.



 :Hug:   :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## L

Hurts to swallow

----------


## James

I'm so, so tired of grieving.  I wish I could feel something else....anything else.  It's like that's the only emotion I have left.

----------


## Koalafan

Feeling just completely drained emotionally. I really need some time to withdrawl from everyone completely.

----------


## Skippy

> Feeling just completely drained emotionally. I really need some time to withdrawl from everyone completely.



 :Hug: 


I can't sleep. If I don't start sleeping right I'll have SERIOUS problems on my trip back to Alberta.

----------


## Misssy

I have to figure out better living arrangements, living with messy leeches for room mates just isn't working for me. What the heck am I going to do? I've got to get my business together for real. This is ridiculous. Life is demanding. Feel like I can never relax because I've always got to figure something out Busy all the time, every second of every day just trying to LIVE A LIFE. When the heck am I suppose to have fun? WTF I swear. OKAY now I have to go to work. Where I spend all my time so that I can pay rent to live someplace I hate living in.

----------


## Member11

Almost got my hand ripped off, a lot of love in my family ::

----------


## Antidote

Feeling shame and guilt.

----------


## Misssy

yeah lonely, tired and half drunk

----------


## Member11

Had a bad dream. ::(:

----------


## Misssy

awake at almost 3 AM feel restless and tired but having a hard times sleeping, stomach ache, stressed out, unhappy and sad

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My passport is expired. My only real option to escape the city in December is to go to Toronto, and I don't even know what I'd do there alone.

----------


## SmileyFace

Extremely bitchy this morning. Everything is annoying to me. I keep feeling the need to just make sarcastic, rude remarks on everything... but I'm keeping my mouth shut because I know I'll regret it later.

----------


## James

I hate my life.  I absolutely fucking hate it.  I wish I could just disappear.

----------


## Koalafan

Having a real hard time coming out of my shell at my new job. Just feel like I can't really relate to anyone. That everyone is poppy and happy and socialable...and there's me who is quiet and reserved. I hate being the awkward quiet kid...it feels like I'm in fucking high school.

----------


## L

So people in my class have taken a dislike to me....it's not my fault and I can't confront them as I shouldn't know. I trusted the wrong person....if I wanted to I could destroy her marriage with what really happened that night

----------


## GunnyHighway

Managed to stay away for a while...but I need to rant. 

I've been living with my aunt for the past three months. It was her idea for me to stay here instead of with my uncle in another town. She said I could stay as long as I'd need. I've just felt so unwelcome lately here lately and I don't understand. I help around as much as possible, watch the four dogs while everybody's out having a life, clean up after myself, etc. Now that I've told my aunt that I found a place to live she's been gathering my stuff together and telling me to move it.

I just wish I knew what I did/am doing wrong. I wish I could deal with normal [BEEP] without going full stupid depressed mode.

----------


## SmileyFace

I think I reached my breaking pt with people today. I woke up crying and feeling awfully depressed. I was thinking about all the shitty people I talk to nowadays and how drained they leave me. I'm so tired of trying to impress people, but when I am myself, people seem to automatically not take me seriously. I'm tired of people telling me I can't do something. And when I try to prove them wrong, they stop talking to me. I'm tired of feeling like I have to prove all sorts of [BEEP] about myself all the time. More and more I come across people who ask me to prove things..

"How do you know though?"
"Are you sure?"
"Are you lying?"

I feel  like I cannot do anything anymore without most people around me being so against me.

Recently, I told someone how I was upset that my 'friend' was pulling me down to her problems and trying to get me to lose my internship...and how I was doing everything I can to stop it from getting worse. The person told me I should play nicely and be nice. This pissed me off. I'm sure if I had a victim mentality over this, they would have told me to grow some balls and fight back.

I don't know anymore. I know I might as well go on with life without listening to people at all, but it hurts to have very little support for anything you do. It just makes me feel like I'm doing everything wrong. At the same time, I'm also tired of trying to put on a show for everyone. I always feel I have to entertain people..and when I don't, they just don't talk to me at all.

I really don't understand people at all.

----------


## L

> I really don't understand people at all.



 :Hug:  I know what you mean

----------


## SmileyFace

I've been feeling so damn angry all day today. There are legit reasons for me to be, but it's still ridiculous that I am letting things get to me. I normally avoid stuff just fine, or work through it in a healthy manner, but today is just so awful... I feel like snapping at most everyone.

----------


## James

I worked an extra 10 hour shift on my day off today.  I'm tired.  Don't feel good.

----------


## life

why cant you let me go and why cant i let you go, its been 6 months of this shit, were going round in circles, nothing changes were stuck  ::(:

----------


## Misssy

This morning I heard my room mate telling the other room mate about being noisy. This bothers me because I was peacefully asleep before I heard my room mates voice. I'm too old for this

okay so I am not suppose to take a shower in the morning but I have to work today. My room mate who is making all these dumb self-centered rules is taking a shower though she does not work on the weekends such as today. 

clearly this is an over-priced rental situation

----------


## SmileyFace

Sucks when someone very close to you feels you cannot achieve weight loss... only because you still stuffed your face after realizing you do need to lose weight. I can say it was a lack of self control but I am so tired of being lectured on something I don't do anymore...

This reminds me why I always feel like I have to prove all sorts of [BEEP] about myself.

----------


## James

Someone I know is feeling suicidal, and could really use some advice.  The last suicidal person I talked to was my girlfriend, and she killed herself the very next morning.  Dear god, I'm clearly not cut out for this.  Is this some kind of a sick joke?  Fuuuuuuuuuck!!!

----------


## Misssy

being alone is bothering me.

----------


## Member11

My laptop's trackpad is playing up  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

I really don't want to go back to school today. Was so hard waking at 6am. I'm having trouble staying awake as we speak. And I'm mad at myself for waiting til the last minute to do my history essay. Now I have to cram it in between doing some articles for my internship.

Ugh.

----------


## L

All this study is making me want to cry.....I'm losing my mind

----------


## SmileyFace

> All this study is making me want to cry.....I'm losing my mind



I feel ya  ::\:

----------


## L

IT just never ends - I want muncies but there is nothing in this house - is it possible to write more than 6 pages in an hours???

----------


## SmileyFace

I feel like I can't do this anymore. I am so glad I'm almost done with school because these last few weeks.. I have been extremely lazy and have had almost no motivation to do homework and major papers.

----------


## Kirsebaer

I think I'm coming down with the flu ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

Going through that time again where I cannot stand people and pretty much hate myself. I feel like I'm not taken seriously whatsoever. Someone told me it's because I do not take myself seriously... but when I do take myself seriously, people say I am taking  myself too seriously.

What the fuck. Make up your fuckin minds. People are so confusing... I feel so behind and lost on everything, and I'm going to be 23 next month. I feel like a child all the time.

----------


## enfield

our family unit broke down a bit tonight which wasn't so good. to explain it i have to first go back to the circumstances of my conception. its not really as bad as that but i do have to go back to a weather forecast which was made like a week ago. it all seems to have started because the weatherman or weatherpeople decided to say it was going to get 10 degrees colder at night. he predicted it and then like he said it would, it happened. the temperatures dropped all around us. the bedrooms were colder, the bathroom was colder, everywhere was colder. and all of a sudden i was very cold at night. even with a blanket and sweatshirt the cold would reach me. i was forced into the kitchen. the kitchens not all bad but its not my favorite place to be. the good thing about the kitchen is it has an oven that can keep it really warm however cold it is in the rest of the house. it also has a coffee machine that can make you coffee. i like that about it too. but the bad thing and the thing i hate about it is the only light in it is super bright. my mom buys the super bright lights. to her everything looks dimmer so she doesn't really know how bright the lights are to her kids but they're really bright. so bright that it really irritates me when im in the kitchen at night. usually i only come into the kitchen for the night when i have to go to school the next morning early. then i stay up all night in the kitchen and the light helps keep me awake. if i tried to do that in the living room where i normally am i would fall asleep on the couch before the sun came up.

but now since i've had to be in here for many nights in a row because the temperatures are staying really low my patience with the light has been wearing thin. last night i took the 6 foot tall lamp from our living room and hauled it into the kitchen. the lamp has three settings. the dimmest one is absolutely perfect for me. i felt a lot better last night with it in here and the bright light off. i think it was the relief from not being assaulted by the really bright light continuously anymore more but i was feeling unusually good last night. i had waited until my mom went to bed to bring the lamp in because i asked earlier in the night if i could do it and she was like no no no, no! i didn't want to cause a scene and i could tell there would be a fight if i put my hands on the lamp, so i waited until she was sound asleep to move the house lamp around. 

fast forward to tonight. since it was such a success last night i wanted to bring it in here when it got dark. i had told her how much it helped me but she thinks im being silly and its like something extravagant im asking for. like i want the whole world to accommodate for my sensitivity to the the light. as she reminded me, she's the one that gets up at 5:30am everyday. if she does that, then i can deal with the kitchen light. one thing that makes it hard to win her sympathy on this is she doesn't understand how the light could bother me since to her its not so glaring and bright like it is to me. i tried to explain this to her. you have old eyes that don't see things properly like mine do i said. that wasn't good idea. then i tried to say that im just moving a lamp for christ sake and i'll put it right back when im done like i did last night. that was my attempt to put things into perspective. but her perspective is ill swing it into something as im moving it and break it. then she gave me a speech about how its irreplaceable. she wasn't letting in. well i eventually went for the lamp. oh how i regret that. i had it unplugged and firmly in my hands when my mom caught up to me. she got out of her chair sensing the danger to her precious lamp and was eye level to me within a few seconds. my brother, also sensing brewing commotion, got out of _his_ chair in our bedroom and stormed into the living room where we were. it was a face off. a staredown. 

my mom broke the silence first. she started to say things as we stood there around the lamp which stood taller than any of us illuminating each of our faces. as her first words sunk in and her anger and frustration flared it was then that i regretted what i had done. i shouldn't have touched the lamp but now everything was falling apart and i had to watch the chaos unfold. there was a good amount of insults and namecalling and lots of exasperation. i don't remember what i said but i think i kept mostly silent. in the end i let go of it and she went downstairs and found a lamp for me in the garage. 

i would have found it myself but im really bad at solving my own problems. i just want to do the simplest thing to fix what's wrong. i don't want to think. and if there's a simple solution in front of me like the living room lamp sitting there tantalizing before my eyes, then its going to be really hard to get me to consider other solutions. i planned to find the lamp in the garage which i'd learned existed from my mom the day before, but another day. today i wanted to just use the same lamp that worked good for me the night before. 

now the lamp she got from the garage is in the kitchen with me. because we only have those super bright 100 watt light bulbs that's what i had to put in it. its under the table but it's still awfully bright. my mom was crying and is probably not going to speak to me pleasantly for awhile. its hard for my mom to let go of things so there's going to be lingering resentment that lingers and lingers and lingers. this is not all that bad, but i just wish we could get along and be friendly and supportive. of course she wishes that too. the odd thing is, as long as my life circumstances are what they are, my mom sees me as someone who has issues, so she can't really see me like another person fully. that's also what makes her say things like who even are you when things are not going well. all the confusion and questions. where things went wrong and what happened to me, its because of a confusion. im not worried about anything. i act normal. we get along good. yet things are very wrong she knows. so my mom is often looking for evidence for how the things that are wrong are damaging me. like signs of social stagnation and maladjustment. but this evidence is usually misidentified i think. because i don't acknowledge my problems she has to. if she doesn't remind everyone how we're not normal then no one will. then things will continue the same way they are and no one will care. but every now and again, maybe a lot more than i know, she will think how bad this is the way things are. i think shes pretty tired of both the way things are and trying to fight  it by bringing awareness to it. i just want her to like rest easy and be okay. but there's nothing that will give her solace except for actual results. but im not a results oriented person so there's been an absence of those for a long long time.

----------


## SmileyFace

> our family unit broke down a bit tonight which wasn't so good. to explain it i have to first go back to the circumstances of my conception. its not really as bad as that but i do have to go back to a weather forecast which was made like a week ago. it all seems to have started because the weatherman or weatherpeople decided to say it was going to get 10 degrees colder at night. he predicted it and then like he said it would, it happened. the temperatures dropped all around us. the bedrooms were colder, the bathroom was colder, everywhere was colder. and all of a sudden i was very cold at night. even with a blanket and sweatshirt the cold would reach me. i was forced into the kitchen. the kitchens not all bad but its not my favorite place to be. the good thing about the kitchen is it has an oven that can keep it really warm however cold it is in the rest of the house. it also has a coffee machine that can make you coffee. i like that about it too. but the bad thing and the thing i hate about it is the only light in it is super bright. my mom buys the super bright lights. to her everything looks dimmer so she doesn't really know how bright the lights are to her kids but they're really bright. so bright that it really irritates me when im in the kitchen at night. usually i only come into the kitchen for the night when i have to go to school the next morning early. then i stay up all night in the kitchen and the light helps keep me awake. if i tried to do that in the living room where i normally am i would fall asleep on the couch before the sun came up.
> 
> but now since i've had to be in here for many nights in a row because the temperatures are staying really low my patience with the light has been wearing thin. last night i took the 6 foot tall lamp from our living room and hauled it into the kitchen. the lamp has three settings. the dimmest one is absolutely perfect for me. i felt a lot better last night with it in here and the bright light off. i think it was the relief from not being assaulted by the really bright light continuously anymore more but i was feeling unusually good last night. i had waited until my mom went to bed to bring the lamp in because i asked earlier in the night if i could do it and she was like no no no, no! i didn't want to cause a scene and i could tell there would be a fight if i put my hands on the lamp, so i waited until she was sound asleep to move the house lamp around. 
> 
> fast forward to tonight. since it was such a success last night i wanted to bring it in here when it got dark. i had told her how much it helped me but she thinks im being silly and its like something extravagant im asking for. like i want the whole world to accommodate for my sensitivity to the the light. as she reminded me, she's the one that gets up at 5:30am everyday. if she does that, then i can deal with the kitchen light. one thing that makes it hard to win her sympathy on this is she doesn't understand how the light could bother me since to her its not so glaring and bright like it is to me. i tried to explain this to her. you have old eyes that don't see things properly like mine do i said. that wasn't good idea. then i tried to say that im just moving a lamp for christ sake and i'll put it right back when im done like i did last night. that was my attempt to put things into perspective. but her perspective is ill swing it into something as im moving it and break it. then she gave me a speech about how its irreplaceable. she wasn't letting in. well i eventually went for the lamp. oh how i regret that. i had it unplugged and firmly in my hands when my mom caught up to me. she got out of her chair sensing the danger to her precious lamp and was eye level to me within a few seconds. my brother, also sensing brewing commotion, got out of _his_ chair in our bedroom and stormed into the living room where we were. it was a face off. a staredown. 
> 
> my mom broke the silence first. she started to say things as we stood there around the lamp which stood taller than any of us illuminating each of our faces. as her first words sunk in and her anger and frustration flared it was then that i regretted what i had done. i shouldn't have touched the lamp but now everything was falling apart and i had to watch the chaos unfold. there was a good amount of insults and namecalling and lots of exasperation. i don't remember what i said but i think i kept mostly silent. in the end i let go of it and she went downstairs and found a lamp for me in the garage. 
> 
> i would have found it myself but im really bad at solving my own problems. i just want to do the simplest thing to fix what's wrong. i don't want to think. and if there's a simple solution in front of me like the living room lamp sitting there tantalizing before my eyes, then its going to be really hard to get me to consider other solutions. i planned to find the lamp in the garage which i'd learned existed from my mom the day before, but another day. today i wanted to just use the same lamp that worked good for me the night before. 
> ...



 ::(:   ::(:   ::(:   ::(:  *big hug*

On a side note: I must say, you're an excellent writer. It was a sad read  ::(:  But it was a great read as well as far as description and structure goes (sorry, journalism side of me going crazy over your post lol)

----------


## Misssy

This morning I feel very tired. I'm mainly tired of my room mates. There are too many people living here. 5  As far as I can tell only 3 of us actually pay rent. The house has no common areas at all because the two living rooms are inhabited entirely by dogs and a person who has made a bedroom out of the other room. I hate this. 

I don't want this. I need to find something else.

There is not a lot of room in the fridge so my room mate was all like "we can share the milk" etc.......so I put some in my coffee this morning and it was SOUR milk. So I haven't been feeling will (illin) and on top of that I just put sour milk in my stomach this is gross man. 

Rotten milk in the fridge, not flushing the toilets. I have to get the ferk out of here.

----------


## SmileyFace

Everything's annoying me right now, despite the fact that I'm taking a break from work right now, which was very much needed.

----------


## ashes

...

----------


## Chantellabella

:group hug:   to all of you in this thread. It sounds like rough stuff is happening a lot for some of you. I'm so sorry and I hope it gets better. Just hang in there.

 :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

> to all of you in this thread. It sounds like rough stuff is happening a lot for some of you. I'm so sorry and I hope it gets better. Just hang in there.



Thank you, dear. I really appreciate it. I feel like my lack of sleep's been the culprit. I randomly woke up at 3:30am today..and couldn't go back to sleep until 5am.. didn't wanna wake up at all when the alarm went off at 6. Now I'm all crabby again. Gonna be seeing my psychologist today at 8am. I'm too lazy, but I know I'll need to get all sorts of stuff off my chest.

----------


## Misssy

Waking up it is 7 AM where I am AND my day feels like it is already going to be a waste of my life. I have a dead end job that doesn't allow me to do sheet with my life and I am just waiting to go to work now.

I don't feel good today

----------


## James

There is no fixing me, I'm never going to get better, I'm never going to be normal.  That's what's bothering me.  No amount of therapy, or pills, or meditation, or self-help books are going to do it.  I'm the most dysfunctional, craziest person I know, and every year I get worse.  Not even my psychiatrist knows what to do with me, that's pretty obvious.  All I seem to do is hurt people.  I'm a waste of skin.  I really wish I had never been born.

----------


## SmileyFace

I am trying to get some work done tonight for my internship.. and this person keeps wanting me to listen to some BS crap they're going through that they brought upon themselves. If I do not respond to them, they may hurt themselves (supposedly). And if I do respond to them, I'm going to feel so drained and pissed off in the end... and not get any work done.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Just had the worst panic attack I've ever had, over pretty much the smallest thing possible. I want to die right now.

----------


## SmileyFace

Mom's been spending much of my money... all while she's blowing her earnings on booking stuff for an upcoming vacation.

----------


## Misssy

Yah, it's morning time again. And I am sitting here being quiet waiting for my coffee to kick in. What I really want to do is turn my radio up, take a shower and then fuss with my hair. Instead I am trying not to wake other people up and I am really tired of it.

----------


## Otherside

Yes.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Just had the worst panic attack I've ever had, over pretty much the smallest thing possible. I want to die right now.



Hang in there, my friend. It'll pass.  :Hug:

----------


## GunnyHighway

> Hang in there, my friend. It'll pass.



Thank you greatly. Luckily I had a friend to help me get back to thinking a bit more rationally last night. I guess I just felt like a failure since it was such a little thing that made me freeze.

----------


## Misssy

Always all the time. At the moment I am drinking by myself that is what is bothering my sad arse.

----------


## SmileyFace

Some people are a total waste of my time and energy...

----------


## Misssy

Yah what she said ^

----------


## SmileyFace

> Yah what she said ^



 ::(:  How are the roommates today?

----------


## Misssy

I have a hangover AND

I have a cold/flu   AND

I am menstruating     Therefore I do not feel well.

----------


## SmileyFace

I don't know if it's because I haven't eaten all day (it's 2:30pm right now).. but I feel so pissed off and easily angered//irritated again.

----------


## GunnyHighway

What's a man gotta do to get some cuddles round here?

----------


## Kirsebaer

I'm so worried about my mom's health  ::(:  she's started showing signs of some serious memory loss today.. I really hope that's something temporary, due to stress, and not a symptom of some serious illness.. I feel like crying right now.. I don't want my mom to suffer even more..she already suffers from two chronic diseases.. she really doesn't need another one..  ::(:

----------


## James

Sometimes I think it would be better if my memory were erased, like the last two years or so.  Like in that movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind".  Sometimes I think that's the only way possible I'd ever recover from all this...the only way I'd ever get better.  To just completely forget.  I have so many fucking issues to work through, I could live to be a thousand years old, and I would still never get to them all.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Laying in bed in my dark room watching whatever I find to distract me while wishing I had an alcoholic beverage of some sort. It's a good thing I don't have anything else to do or else I might actually feel better about being alive, and we can't have that now can we? Â¬_Â¬

----------


## VickieKitties

It would be nice to be able to sleep for more than like four hours at a time, ever.
Guess I'll make waffles.

----------


## SmileyFace

I hate the fact that I'm constantly angry as of lately. I've tried everything I could to calm down and see the good side to things... but everything and everyone has  been pissing me off this past week or so. I think I'm just as bad this morning. Kept getting frustrated in the kitchen and dropping things.. and mom kept questioning me about it which irritated me some more. I hate hearing her talk in the morning. It's 6 in the fuckin morning. Nobody wants to talk to you that early.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

My existence.

----------


## James

I really, really don't want to get up and go to group in the morning.  Two and a half hours in the same room with the same people again, and no breaks.  Probably the same topic.  The same people trying to get me to talk.

----------


## SmileyFace

> I really, really don't want to get up and go to group in the morning.  Two and a half hours in the same room with the same people again, and no breaks.  Probably the same topic.  The same people trying to get me to talk.



I haven't really read your other posts, but... are you describing group therapy here?

----------


## GunnyHighway

Been tossing and turning in bed for an hour and I had the same issue last night. I'm sure coughing all night isn't helping. It's been a while since I've had real trouble getting to sleep, but two days in a row is scaring me.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I want a family like my friends' families. 

I'll never, ever get to have that.

----------


## Otherside

The day that social justice tumblr turns a few of getting pissed that a page posts something promoting suicide (that isn't even about mental health) and turns it into the issue of societies racism and homophobia.

Okay. Fine. It's an issue. Now can we please deal with the issue that THERES SOMETHING FUCKING TRIGGERING UP THERE THAT COULD CAUSE SOMEONE TO RELAPSE AND IS SAYING THAT PEOPLE WHO COMITTED SUICIDE HAVE PRACTICALYY BECOME SOME SORT OF ENLIGHTENED SAINT AND THAT IF YOU HAVE A [BEEP] LIFE THE BEST THING TO DO IS TO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF BECAUSE IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER UNLESS YOU DO THAT

Some people make me sick.

----------


## SmileyFace

Hate how I am very oversensitive about the littlest things...

In fact, I hate how I'm oversensitive about things. Period.

----------


## James

> I haven't really read your other posts, but... are you describing group therapy here?



Yes.  There were only five of us this morning, which meant more participation from everyone.  I had to make myself go...I don't think there's anything more anxiety-provoking for me than sitting in a tight little circle sharing stuff with people that you really barely know.  Oh well maybe I'll get something out of it one of these days. :shrug:

----------


## SmileyFace

> Yes.  There were only five of us this morning, which meant more participation from everyone.  I had to make myself go...I don't think there's anything more anxiety-provoking for me than sitting in a tight little circle sharing stuff with people that you really barely know.  Oh well maybe I'll get something out of it one of these days.



I feel your pain. I attended group therapy last semester. I liked it... but I rarely talked. And people pointed out the issue towards the end of the semester... so I started talking  more (willingly) and I kinda wish I had talked more towards the beginning... but it was just so nerve-racking. I felt like people were a bit judgmental when they truly truly truly weren't. Even though I rarely talked, I do feel I did get something out of it at least...

And I hope you do as well, whether or not you choose to talk more. *hugs*

----------


## GunnyHighway

Nearly had two lead acid batteries explode under my desk. Stupid UPS, y u no work right? 

New ones are gonna cost me like $100...

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Life told me to get lost and stop trying to have an existence worth acknowledging.

----------


## Misssy

My weirdo freaking room mates got me flustered and I crunched my finger in a door and now it is bleeding. Assholes

Today is a week day Wednesday. I was hoping I would have the place to myself but one of my fucking room mates is here. Like I CAN NEVER HAVE QUIET TIME MYSELF HERE I HATE THIS fucking place. 

The stupid fucking dogs live in a room that is twice the size of my room. 

HATE, HATE, HATE, HATE this place. I am going to leave in a little while.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Another dilemma. Work sent out an email asking for people to work the hockey game this Friday night. I could use the extra cash but I haven't worked there in years and don't know if I can go through that right now. To make it worse, they say they're going to start calling us as well later today. GOD DAMMIT.

Edit: 'Kay just sent out an email turning it down, ten minutes before the deadline, to spare myself the phone call. I know I'm the worst [BEEP] for turning down work in times like this, but I just don't feel ready to face society again quite yet  ::(:

----------


## Koalafan

Im an asshole

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Im an asshole



no you're not! take that back  :damn kids:

----------


## James

> I feel your pain. I attended group therapy last semester. I liked it... but I rarely talked. And people pointed out the issue towards the end of the semester... so I started talking  more (willingly) and I kinda wish I had talked more towards the beginning... but it was just so nerve-racking. I felt like people were a bit judgmental when they truly truly truly weren't. Even though I rarely talked, I do feel I did get something out of it at least...
> 
> And I hope you do as well, whether or not you choose to talk more. *hugs*



Thank you.  Yeah, I have this fear that people are always thinking the worst, or that they won't be able to relate to what I'm saying at all.  I know it's probably just in my head most of the time, but it seems like I can't help but think that way.  I'm starting another group therapy (for borderlines) next week.  Maybe it'll be a group I can be comfortable in.

----------


## Koalafan

> no you're not! take that back



 :Hug:

----------


## L

2:30 am, cannot sleep, anxiety over exams....ugh....

----------


## SmileyFace

> Thank you.  Yeah, I have this fear that people are always thinking the worst, or that they won't be able to relate to what I'm saying at all.  I know it's probably just in my head most of the time, but it seems like I can't help but think that way.  I'm starting another group therapy (for borderlines) next week.  Maybe it'll be a group I can be comfortable in.



Do you end up thinking they'll see you as 10x worse than them? Whether or not you do, I was always the opposite of that. From what I heard every week from people's stories, I always felt like I did not belong because my problems weren't exactly as bad as theirs. Whatever depression and anxiety I've experienced were nowhere near as bad as them... so sometimes, I felt "cocky" or whatever. I was scared they'd wonder why I'm even there in the first place if my problems aren't as bad. But of course, we each have our own challenges... so I guess that was my anxiety going haywire there in itself lol

----------


## Rawr

No longer working where I enjoyed working & my exes. I don't need the both of them telling me they have new girls & that I'm an immature asshole.

----------


## L

hand is now in a wrist support

----------


## GunnyHighway

Networking headaches. Stuffed my router in after my roommate's, and set up my own subnet so that I'd be isolated from his stuff. I of course now need to print something off with his printer...

----------


## SmileyFace

The end-of-semester stress is getting to me. I have a headache at the moment. I feel nauseated. I feel mentally tired. Cranky. Moody. I just feel so weird today. I was fine during the earlier half of the day though, then right before I went home around 4pm, I just felt so bleh.

I don't feel like doing anything right now, yet at the same time... I don't want to NOT do anything right now. Maybe it's a sign I need a break from schoolwork and need to do something that's not school-related for the night. I don't have anything due asap anyway, so... ya...

*sigh*

----------


## Chieve

> The end-of-semester stress is getting to me. I have a headache at the moment. I feel nauseated. I feel mentally tired. Cranky. Moody. I just feel so weird today. I was fine during the earlier half of the day though, then right before I went home around 4pm, I just felt so bleh.
> 
> I don't feel like doing anything right now, yet at the same time... I don't want to NOT do anything right now. Maybe it's a sign I need a break from schoolwork and need to do something that's not school-related for the night. I don't have anything due asap anyway, so... ya...
> 
> *sigh*



Yeah it's because your real tired :/ maybe take a nap, go for a run maybe if you can get yourself to do so, or drink an energy drink, all will help...

----------


## Koalafan

Freezing rain today. Whoopie! Why must it do that ON the day the hobbit comes out and our theatre is going to be psychotically packed? I would have no problem calling off but it's the fact that the one of biggest movies is coming out and I know their going to want everyone there...but I refuse to die for 7.75 an hour lol

----------


## SmileyFace

> Yeah it's because your real tired :/ maybe take a nap, go for a run maybe if you can get yourself to do so, or drink an energy drink, all will help...



Yeah.. I feel a bit better physically since I finally slept. I was going to work on things this morning after my psych appt., but I'm gonna save that for much later in the day. I'm gonna go to the mall instead to buy new jeans and look at some cute puppies. I need a break for much of today *rubs eyes*

----------


## Misssy

It's my morning and I am feeling bad, I wake up angry. I am going to make another cup of coffee.

----------


## L

Now I'm on pain meds and gel for my exams - poop

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I'm seeing a pulsating blob again, which I can only assume isn't all that indicative of healthy eyes. This happened sometime in the summer, roughly four months ago. No idea what it means. Just gonna sit here and hope I don't go blind. I'll have learned how to properly wrap presents for nothing, and that's just sad.

It changed direction. It's now mostly in the corner of my right eye. Flippin' weird.

I feel dizzy. Blah.

*resisting urge to diagnose via google*

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> hand is now in a wrist support



 ::(: 

what happened?

----------


## James

> Do you end up thinking they'll see you as 10x worse than them? Whether or not you do, I was always the opposite of that. From what I heard every week from people's stories, I always felt like I did not belong because my problems weren't exactly as bad as theirs. Whatever depression and anxiety I've experienced were nowhere near as bad as them... so sometimes, I felt "cocky" or whatever. I was scared they'd wonder why I'm even there in the first place if my problems aren't as bad. But of course, we each have our own challenges... so I guess that was my anxiety going haywire there in itself lol



     Yeah, I definitely have a fear of being seen by everyone else as a complete mess lol.  My life is a trainwreck...I'm so, so far from where anyone would want to be at 43 years old....I have so, so many issues.  I'm worried that I'll be seen as someone who can't be helped.  I was actually supposed to start this group over a month ago, but I keep putting it off.  I'm really anxious about it.  I think about it all the time.  I've been in group therapy before, so I know what to expect, and I know my feelings about it are irrational, but that doesn't stop them from coming.  Anyway it's good to hear you had a really positive experience with yours.  I guess it really doesn't matter if we think our problems are not as bad, or worse, like you said we all have our own challenges.

----------


## SmileyFace

> Yeah, I definitely have a fear of being seen by everyone else as a complete mess lol.  My life is a trainwreck...I'm so, so far from where anyone would want to be at 43 years old....I have so, so many issues.  I'm worried that I'll be seen as someone who can't be helped.  I was actually supposed to start this group over a month ago, but I keep putting it off.  I'm really anxious about it.  I think about it all the time.  I've been in group therapy before, so I know what to expect, and I know my feelings about it are irrational, but that doesn't stop them from coming.  Anyway it's good to hear you had a really positive experience with yours.  I guess it really doesn't matter if we think our problems are not as bad, or worse, like you said we all have our own challenges.



As cliche as this may sound, I'm sure everyone else in the group feels the same way as you about themselves even. Who knows, maybe some have put it off as well. Just keep it up and do what you can  ::):  I hope things work out ok for ya

----------


## WintersTale

I'm frustrated that I'm still so far away from my goal. It seems like I'll never reach it.

----------


## Misssy

> I'm seeing a pulsating blob again, which I can only assume isn't all that indicative of healthy eyes. This happened sometime in the summer, roughly four months ago. No idea what it means. Just gonna sit here and hope I don't go blind. I'll have learned how to properly wrap presents for nothing, and that's just sad.
> 
> It changed direction. It's now mostly in the corner of my right eye. Flippin' weird.
> 
> I feel dizzy. Blah.
> 
> *resisting urge to diagnose via google*



Go to doctor if you can. Anything that could be a detached retina is bad.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I need more friends. People I can grab to go for a dinner and not fear awkwardness.
-

I'm dry and flaking and cracking everywhere. My lips, my face, my hands. Gahh.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Go to doctor if you can. Anything that could be a detached retina is bad.



I've got an appointment in a couple of hours here. Hopefully it's fixable, if something is wrong. I did google diagnose, after my mother said the exact same thing you did.

----------


## Koalafan

> I've got an appointment in a couple of hours here. Hopefully it's fixable, if something is wrong. I did google diagnose, after my mother said the exact same thing you did.



Dont go blind!  ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

I wish it was easier to turn down invitations to go out. A couple of customers from the shop I work at keep asking me out and all I can say is "maybe another time, I can't make it today" when I actually don't want to hang out with them at all  :Tongue:  They are nice guys and I enjoy chatting with them but it's pretty obvious that they're not interested in being friends only (aka want to get into my pants.) .. one of them convinced me to give him my phone number yesterday (I just can't be anything but nice to people  ::s:  ) and kept texting me the whole evening.. I ended up telling him I have a girlfriend but apparently he thinks it's a turn on. FML . Leave me the hell alone, dude!  :argh:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I've got an appointment in a couple of hours here. Hopefully it's fixable, if something is wrong. I did google diagnose, after my mother said the exact same thing you did.



I hope it's nothing and the damn blob will go away! Let us know what the doc said...

----------


## Member11

> I wish it was easier to turn down invitations to go out. A couple of customers from the shop I work at keep asking me out and all I can say is "maybe another time, I can't make it today" when I actually don't want to hang out with them at all  They are nice guys and I enjoy chatting with them but it's pretty obvious that they're not interested in being friends only (aka want to get into my pants.) .. one of them convinced me to give him my phone number yesterday (I just can't be anything but nice to people  ) and kept texting me the whole evening.. I ended up telling him I have a girlfriend but apparently he thinks it's a turn on. FML . Leave me the hell alone, dude!



 :Hug:  Just give him one of these  :bopa:

----------


## Member11

> I've got an appointment in a couple of hours here. Hopefully it's fixable, if something is wrong. I did google diagnose, after my mother said the exact same thing you did.



 :Hug:  I hope it's nothing serious.

----------


## Misssy

> I wish it was easier to turn down invitations to go out. A couple of customers from the shop I work at keep asking me out and all I can say is "maybe another time, I can't make it today" when I actually don't want to hang out with them at all  They are nice guys and I enjoy chatting with them but it's pretty obvious that they're not interested in being friends only (aka want to get into my pants.) .. one of them convinced me to give him my phone number yesterday (I just can't be anything but nice to people  ) and kept texting me the whole evening.. I ended up telling him I have a girlfriend but apparently he thinks it's a turn on. FML . Leave me the hell alone, dude!



Yah, you will grow out of the niceness eventually because it isn't practical. Most chicks get called "bitches" eventually. There is a plethora of horny obnoxious dudes out there that will bother and waste your time if you let them. People are really casual these days about dating but once upon a time guys didn't just walk up to chicks and be like hey babe can I get your number. 

Of course they are trying to score, you are cute. And if you tell them "soy lesbian" they don't even care if you don't go that way. 

Just tell them from the very beginning that you can't because you are "taken". "engaged". etc. 

Tell them, "my business doesn't allow me to have personal discussions at work...and besides I am in a serious relationship right now"

----------


## Misssy

I have to work today, it is the weekend. I really need to go to the doctor and dentist but it is a major pain in the [BEEP] because I don't have health insurance. 

I am not happy living where I am. There is only one shower here and too many people and I can not use it in the morning. I don't like that.

I'm frustrated that most of the sharing housing I See is for shared male room mates. When I moved in where I am it was supposed to just be females not dudes. Then the woman who said it's ladies only let a dude move in. It's just not for me.

----------


## SmileyFace

> I have to work today, it is the weekend. I really need to go to the doctor and dentist but it is a major pain in the [BEEP] because I don't have health insurance. 
> 
> I am not happy living where I am. There is only one shower here and too many people and I can not use it in the morning. I don't like that.
> 
> I'm frustrated that most of the sharing housing I See is for shared male room mates. When I moved in where I am it was supposed to just be females not dudes. Then the woman who said it's ladies only let a dude move in. It's just not for me.



 ::(:  *hug*

----------


## L

My college finals start on Monday - [BEEP] fuck [BEEP] fuck [BEEP]!!!!

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Dont go blind!



Not yet! There are still ornaments to be painted. =o
I was totally joking with my blind comment, but apparently if you don't treat these things you *can* lose your vision. Yikes. 




> I hope it's nothing and the damn blob will go away! Let us know what the doc said...



It went away in the same amount of time it did last time it happened, I just hope I don't start seeing it more frequently since this is the second time it's happened. 




> I hope it's nothing serious.



Thanks Jerry  :Hug: 
The optometrist didn't see tears or anything else suspicious. Her conclusion was my retina is fairly thin, so she's sending me to a specialist who _may_ want to mend that via laser treatment.

----------


## Misssy

always something but recently I feel really on edge and angry

----------


## GunnyHighway

I need to seriously reconsider my choice in who I invest my emotions in, always end up feeling like a helpless derp in the end. Reciprocation? Pfft, what's that?

----------


## SmileyFace

It's my last week of college, and I really no longer have motivation to keep on pushing and doing my work for this week *sigh*

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My uterus hurts.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Just give him one of these



lol!





> Yah, you will grow out of the niceness eventually because it isn't practical. Most chicks get called "bitches" eventually. There is a plethora of horny obnoxious dudes out there that will bother and waste your time if you let them. People are really casual these days about dating but once upon a time guys didn't just walk up to chicks and be like hey babe can I get your number. 
> 
> Of course they are trying to score, you are cute. And if you tell them "soy lesbian" they don't even care if you don't go that way. 
> 
> Just tell them from the very beginning that you can't because you are "taken". "engaged". etc. 
> 
> Tell them, "my business doesn't allow me to have personal discussions at work...and besides I am in a serious relationship right now"



Thanks for your reply  ::):  you're right, I do need to grow out of the niceness.. this is definitely not the first time my niceness with people gets me into annoying situations.. as for that customer, he texted me again last night and I never answered him .. ain't nobody got time for that!  :Tongue:  I hope he'll get the hint ..

----------


## Kirsebaer

Today is my day off and my boss tried to call me on my mobile.. I was pretty convinced that he'd probably ask me to go help them out since today is a busy day at the mall... but I thought no wayyyy I'm gonna go to work on my day off, he can dream on! so I ignored the call.. If he asks me tomorrow why I didn't pick up my phone I'll have to make up a story... grrr! I hate having to lie like that cause I think I'm bad at it and people can see through my bullshit

----------


## James

Life.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

This author has great ideas, but her writing is so _thick_. Not enough patience and effort to read it even though I'm seriously lacking entertainment material..

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Caring too much about things that don't and will never ever matter. It's exhausting. Also I've been going easy on the benzos lately and my upper back/neck is really sore as a result.

----------


## Member11

> Caring too much about things that don't and will never ever matter. It's exhausting. Also I've been going easy on the benzos lately and my upper back/neck is really sore as a result.







> Life.



 :Hug:

----------


## Member11

> The optometrist didn't see tears or anything else suspicious. Her conclusion was my retina is fairly thin, so she's sending me to a specialist who _may_ want to mend that via laser treatment.



Keep us updated.  :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

I feel REALLY anxious and upset today... and there were really hardly any reasons at the start of the day to be so. I don't even understand what's going on. Suddenly... a rush of negative thoughts invaded my mind, and I ended up crying for a bit earlier in the school bathroom. I started to have this awful woe-is-me mindset, it's so unbearable. I hope I feel a lot better later today *sigh* This is so puzzling to me. It's been so draining today with all the negative thoughts I've had over just about everything.

----------


## L

Heartburn from eating a fucking banana

----------


## Member11

> Heartburn from eating a fucking banana



 :Hug:   :Hug:   :Hug: 

Heartburns sucks  ::\:

----------


## Kirsebaer

The day is soooooo slow today... It's only 20h50 and I'm going to work til midnight... Can't wait to be cozy in bed

----------


## Koalafan

Bad thoughts swirling around in my head...trying desperately to shake them but failing miserably.

----------


## L

I made what was meant to be a nice breakfast but it is mank.....going to be a bad day I can feel it. I want my exam to go okay  ::(:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My period, ugh just [BEEP] off already. 

And my mom's complete lack of tact saying _loudly_ how she wants me to dispose of old pads, knowing I had gone to the bathroom to change it. Oh my god.

I don't even care if it's TMI, I'm just irritated. Thankfully I only get my period like once every third month.

----------


## infamous

No motivation to do anything. This is something i struggle with a lot and is the reason for most of my undoings. School ,friends, hobbies, me overall as a person. If it hasn't hit 'to live' yet, it should soon. But of course i have no motivation to do anything about it...

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

It would be nice if I could actually fucking fall asleep. I feel tired but after an hour of laying in bed I'm still awake. (ノಠ益ಠ)ノ彡┻━┻





> No motivation to do anything. This is something i struggle with a lot and is the reason for most of my undoings. School ,friends, hobbies, me overall as a person. If it hasn't hit 'to live' yet, it should soon. But of course i have no motivation to do anything about it...



I'm very familiar with this as well.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Holy [BEEP] my throat hurts so much. Also, for the first time ever in the history of showering, I didn't enjoy having a hot shower this morning. I must be transforming into someone else because hot showers are what make me wake up.

----------


## SmileyFace

anxious and angry this morning.

----------


## Otherside

I cannot decide what disgusts me more. That these hate blogs exist and deny that they are "hate blogs" and "bully blogs" ("Oh no, we're just spreading the unfortunate truth about someone and making sure no one else gets harmed by them") or that people agree and actually support these blogs.

I guess it's the later. Take down a bullies power base and you take out the bully. They're nothing without support.

----------


## James

I'm really upset with myself.  I just don't deal with...anything.  It's been a year and a half since my gf died, and I haven't dealt with that, at all...I'm not even taking baby steps.  I mean, I do have a lot to deal with, but I just don't confront any of my issues head-on.  I run.  I avoid.  I drink.  Or self harm.  Or distract myself.  Or try to sleep it away.  I don't think I even know how to deal with things effectively anymore.  I just run away from everything.  That's all I know how to do anymore.

----------


## SmileyFace

Some people need to calm the [BEEP] down. I made an appointment at the bank for my mom. They couldn't do 9am, so they said 10 or 10:30 would do. I said um ok whatever. My mom then later told me she can't do those times because of work. So I saw you could reschedule online. They had all these other times available. I chose 5:30pm so she can go to the bank with me after work. 30 minutes later, the chic from the bank called asking why I rescheduled. I told her nonchalantly that my mom wasn't able to do the other times so 5:30 works best. And this chic got all upset, saying "Well, the times on the site doesn't reflect our hours, and I'm not available at 5:30pm." I was like... well, I'm sure someone else can take care of the service we're asking for. And she said "No, I'm the only one. Please change back to 10:30 please." I said well my mom can't do that time, so she can't just call her workplace about this. They're not gonna allow her.

This girl still didn't give a crap. She apparently clocks in at 9:30am. I said can we do 9:45 then... and she said no. In my head, I was like.. ok, you're going to sit around an hr after arriving to work doing nothing?

Bitch.

Me and my mom got pissed and just canceled everything altogether. This girl was so not friendly or professional at all. I didn't appreciate her demanding tone. You work at a fuckin bank and it's our fuckin money. You really have no choice but to be a good employee and work with us here instead of spewing all this bullshit about what hours you clock in and clock out. If you can't do, then have someone else do it. You're not the only one working at this fuckin bank. Bitch.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Can't tell if feeling better, or calm before the storm. Hoping for feeling better! Sure everyone in my office is hoping that too  ::D:

----------


## SmileyFace

Funny how hardly any of my friends care that I've graduated from college. I know they will definitely want people to care about theirs in May though..

I'm constantly asked if I'm celebrating mine with people. I did have plans but everyone canceled...

----------


## James

Feeling really, really anxious about Christmas Eve at my parents'.  Going to be way too many people there.  I wish I could think of a way out of going.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Hellooooo stupidly strong depressed thoughts, it's been a little while. Guess it's good timing since I'm completely alone again. Nothing says fun like dead silence to a shitty running mind  ::\:

----------


## James

I've been trying not to think about it, but it's nagging at me.  I still haven't gone to group therapy.  I think I was supposed to have started like six weeks ago now.  I remembered that I had it, I just chickened out again at the very last minute.  It's absolutely terrifying to me.  A group of strangers sitting around in a circle, sharing their deepest, darkest secrets.  The last group therapy I was in was when I was 16 years old...that was 27 years ago.  I remember I got picked on a lot, even though I hardly ever talked.  Or, maybe that's why I got picked on, because I never talked.  Anyway I keep saying I'm going to make myself go next week.  And when Friday afternoon comes around, I'm like "fuck this, no way".  I've GOT to go this week.  I think it'll do me some good.

----------


## Rawr

The fact that my ex fiance is doing so much better without me when I never meant to be a crutch in his life... I feel 2 feet tall right now.

----------


## L

Im sitting on my bed and my allergies have flared up so much that my nose cannot drain so I have a piece of tissue held under it while it drips like a leaky tap. I have no meds to help and my face hurts because my nose lining is so inflamed.  ::(:

----------


## GunnyHighway

Stepped off the bus and onto a sheet of ice. My elbow is in quite the pain right now. Managed to not smack my head off the ground which is better than most times.

----------


## Koalafan

Got the stomach flu...AND decided to keep working for some stupid reason. Now I know to never ever ever do that again.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My Twitter account has been hacked, the password/email changed, and what I'm assuming is a bot has began to send out Russian tweets on it.

----------


## L

This my allergies have turned into a sinusitis infection - did not sleep very well last night

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> This my allergies have turned into a sinusitis infection - did not sleep very well last night



Ah, good times. It's always nice to feel like there's a balloon being inflated inside your head. Â¬_Â¬

----------


## GunnyHighway

Button on the inside of my pea coat is holding on by one thread, and the top right button just flew off on the bus. I thought I picked it up out of the soupy mess...turns out I picked up some random person's button. Had to make an eBay order because these buttons aren't gonna be something I just find sitting around. This all reminds me I need to learn how to sew.

----------


## L

> Button on the inside of my pea coat is holding on by one thread, and the top right button just flew off on the bus. I thought I picked it up out of the soupy mess...turns out I picked up some random person's button. Had to make an eBay order because these buttons aren't gonna be something I just find sitting around. This all reminds me I need to learn how to sew.



It is a pretty cool button and sewing is not all that difficult

----------


## James

Yes...I'm done with Christmas....I just got back from my parents' house, and declined an invitation from my sister and my parents to get together tomorrow, so I'm done.  I guess it went OK.  I'm not really sure.  I mean, the kids had a blast and loved everything I got them, so that's all that really matters.  I was just so anxious and nervous around everyone.  I couldn't be myself at all.  I could tell that everyone could tell, too...I was so uncomfortable that it was that noticeable.  I stayed in the gameroom, playing pool with my son for quite a while, to get away from everyone.  God I hate myself.  I hate how uncomfortable I am around people.  I hate how I can't relax.  If I was someone else, I wouldn't want to have anything to do with me.  I'm really, really hating myself right now.  This was the first Christmas ever without my paternal grandparents.  They both passed away last year, within three months of each other.  I was closer to my grandmother than I've ever been to my own mother.  I haven't talked about them because I'm guessing everyone has had enough with me talking about my gf dying.  I've had enough of grief, and death in the last couple of years.  Anyway it was not the same at all without them.  I really miss them.  Christmas was their favorite day of the year.  They used to have all the presents bought and wrapped by June or July.  It's never going to be the same again.  Half the family didn't even show up this year.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

The sadistic ringmaster of life is pointing at me again. 

Well, not _quite_ at me yet. The stick thing is still in the air, and will gradually land in my direction as the next few weeks progress.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Today is going to be a long and lonely day...

----------


## Koalafan

Erm...massive spam aside Im working way too much and making way too little -______-

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Today is going to be a long and lonely day...



*big hugs*!! I hope it went better than expected. If not, spoil yourself silly for Boxing Day  ::D:

----------


## GunnyHighway

> *big hugs*!! I hope it went better than expected. If not, spoil yourself silly for Boxing Day



It kinda went better than expected. My uncle's fiancee asked me if I wanted to have dinner with her family last night, so I figured why not. Better than the leftovers I had planned to eat. 

With that said I've been trying to spoil myself to no avail. Not having a car blows, can't go driving around the city looking for stuff.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> It kinda went better than expected. My uncle's fiancee asked me if I wanted to have dinner with her family last night, so I figured why not. Better than the leftovers I had planned to eat. 
> 
> With that said I've been trying to spoil myself to no avail. Not having a car blows, can't go driving around the city looking for stuff.



Liquor store?  :;):  Haha I'm on my way there tonight, if I can convince myself to get out of bed today..

----------


## GunnyHighway

> Liquor store?  Haha I'm on my way there tonight, if I can convince myself to get out of bed today..



That's pretty much the end result. Can't find what I wanted? BOOZE ALL THE THINGS!

*kicks you out of bed*

----------


## James

Too much idle time over the last few days.  I can't stop thinking about her.  Trying to distract myself with movies and tv, but it's not working....everything I watch only reminds me of her.  I'm really, really missing her.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Lonely as fuck.

----------


## GunnyHighway

> Lonely as fuck.




 :Hug: 

Wish I could help, sadly my ability to hold conversation is about as nonexistent as unicorns.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Wish I could help, sadly my ability to hold conversation is about as nonexistent as unicorns.



Thanks, Gunny.  :Hug: 
Wait wait wait...you mean to tell me that unicorns don't exist? =o
Yeeeaah forgot to properly suppress all of the crap I usually do for like ONE moment and it's like oh...that's how I really feel. I should probably suck it up and go to bed.

----------


## GunnyHighway

> Wait wait wait...you mean to tell me that unicorns don't exist? =o



I..uh...errr...Look, a unicorn! 




Sadly it seems around this time of the year that at least once, all the [BEEP] hits the fan. Sleep on it and hopefully by the time morning comes around you'll be feeling better. Usually I find the overthinking causes the most damage. 

You know where to find me if you need someone to talk to. I can try at least.  :mask:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I..uh...errr...Look, a unicorn! 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Sadly it seems around this time of the year that at least once, all the [BEEP] hits the fan. Sleep on it and hopefully by the time morning comes around you'll be feeling better. Usually I find the overthinking causes the most damage. 
> 
> You know where to find me if you need someone to talk to. I can try at least.



Aww it's a unikitty! Because who doesn't want onea these?
Attachment 1796

I was doing so well. Suspiciously well, which should have been my first clue. O_o
Yeah I am going to sleep on it I think. 

Shanks.  :mask: 
& Likewise, as I've been spending more time on here lately.  ::):

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I always get heartburn for the rest of the day when I eat spicy beef jerky, and I just had to do it once again. Ugh.

----------


## Demerzel

U guys are silly. That's not a unicorn; it's a dragon.

----------


## life

hate my life, maybe i just wasn't meant to be happy  ::(:

----------


## NikNik

The [BEEP] in the other room.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Worried about my poor mother.

----------


## L

I don't know if I am crying because of the movie I just watched or if I am freaking out over tomorrow morning

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Sitting here knowing I need to find some ways to try and improve my life but I'm drawing a blank aside from a few "obvious" things. On top of that I know I'd be too much of a coward to pursue anything I thought of anyways.

----------


## L

I need to be up at 6:30 am it is 3am.....I can't sleep

----------


## James

> I need to be up at 6:30 am it is 3am.....I can't sleep



Do you have any melatonin?  That stuff knocks me out, within 20 min for sure.  Or....could try tea (non-caffeinated)

----------


## Keddy

Woke up late today and have been putting off work assignments for hours. It is now 10:30 PM  ::@: 
FML.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Sad and lonely.

And still annoyed at the Twitter hacking. Like WTF was the point of that, you asshole?

----------


## GunnyHighway

> Sad and lonely.
> 
> And still annoyed at the Twitter hacking. Like WTF was the point of that, you asshole?



I have that happen to me a lot as well. It's really weird, considering I never use Twitter.


I guess what's bothering me is my inability to grow a pair and message this girl on POF that seems really cool. (Yet out of my league...of course)

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> I have that happen to me a lot as well. It's really weird, considering I never use Twitter.
> 
> 
> I guess what's bothering me is my inability to grow a pair and message this girl on POF that seems really cool. (Yet out of my league...of course)



It annoys me because I've been collecting people/places to follow for years now, till I practically have all of Vancouver mapped into my timeline like a virtual civic living room. It's cool during hockey playoffs and you can get in real time reactions.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I've basically slept two hours since going to bed, and woken up twice by this incredible pain on my tailbone area. I know what causes it...but I have no idea how to deal with it. It hurts so friggin bad that I can't fall back asleep until it's gone.

----------


## GunnyHighway

As expected, finally grew a pair and messaged someone on POF. They looked at my profile and NOPE'd the [BEEP] out.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> As expected, finally grew a pair and messaged someone on POF. They looked at my profile and NOPE'd the [BEEP] out.



Ugh, that's why I've been too chicken to message anyone on OkCupid since I reactivated my account recently.  ::\:

----------


## Kirsebaer

I thought that being off work for 2 consecutive days (yesterday and today) would be a good thing but it had the opposite effect on me.. I'm physically exhausted for no reason and I feel kinda grumpy.. it feels like the past two days were a complete waste of time. New Year's eve was nice but today I woke up feeling quite empty. And I miss my girlfriend really badly.
Looking forward to going to work tomorrow, as weird as that sounds.

----------


## James

I need to go to the grocery store, there's nothing here at all, and I haven't eaten all day.  I really hate going, makes my anxiety go crazy.  Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck.   Maybe I'll go tomorrow.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> As expected, finally grew a pair and messaged someone on POF. They looked at my profile and NOPE'd the [BEEP] out.



Props for actually messaging said person! Damn, don't they know that you cook?  :Tongue: 




> I need to go to the grocery store, there's nothing here at all, and I haven't eaten all day.  I really hate going, makes my anxiety go crazy.  Fuck.  Fuck.  Fuck.   Maybe I'll go tomorrow.



I always make sure I go somewhere that has those self check-outs. God those are a life saver. Still gotta stand in line, but you don't have to talk to anybody.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

The decisions I make, which all tend to be wrong and increasingly make my life worse. So many wrong turns.

Also, that feeling of "WHOA" and "I'm not even mad.. that's amazing" when looking at the drop in your bank account funds after not checking your spending for a while. How the hell did I do that much damage?

----------


## GunnyHighway

> Props for actually messaging said person! Damn, don't they know that you cook?



Kinda regretting it now but oh well. Just gotta hope she doesn't recognize me the next time I go to where she works to buy ammo  ::\:  (It's the only store close enough to get to for that sorta stuff)






> The decisions I make, which all tend to be wrong and increasingly make my life worse. So many wrong turns.
> 
> Also, that feeling of "WHOA" and "I'm not even mad.. that's amazing" when looking at the drop in your bank account funds after not checking your spending for a while. How the hell did I do that much damage?



Yeah, that was me last week. Probably the first time I've ever gone "holy [BEEP] how'd I do that?!" when paying off my credit card. Then paid rent and my phone, looked at my bank account, and cried a little on the inside.

----------


## Keddy

Sick and tired of Harlem Shake videos coming up in my "recommended" feed on YouTube  ::@: 
God I hate those things.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Stuck my index finger in boiling water... i's smrt.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> Stuck my index finger in boiling water... i's smrt.



Ah, burns. The gift that keeps on giving. Enjoy having that sting for a while. Â¬_Â¬

----------


## James

I'm so tired of being a disappointment to the few people I still have left in my life.  But it seems I can't stop.  It's one of the talents I was born with.  To disappoint.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> I'm so tired of being a disappointment to the few people I still have left in my life.  But it seems I can't stop.  It's one of the talents I was born with.  To disappoint.



Hey, I have that talent too. High five!

----------


## James

Back atchya!

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I have to shovel snow in like 4 hours. Sometime in those 4 hours I should probably try to sleep. Grahhh [BEEP] it with a hot stick. >.<

----------


## GunnyHighway

> I have to shovel snow in like 4 hours. Sometime in those 4 hours I should probably try to sleep. Grahhh [BEEP] it with a hot stick. >.<



If the stick is hot enough you could just melt the snow away  ::D:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> If the stick is hot enough you could just melt the snow away



I'm gonna go to bed with visions of snow-melting sticks dancing in my head. They're the best kinda sticks around.

Wow. My face has pretty much become one with the keyboard. No more contact lensless posts for me!

----------


## GunnyHighway

> Wow. My face has pretty much become one with the keyboard. No more contact lensless posts for me!



This is all I could imagine right now.

----------


## Keddy

Insomnia  :Coffee: 
No more caffeine after 1 AM :/

----------


## Otherside

1) You were a [BEEP] to her. I can't believe you're now parading around Facebook about how terrible it all is. Fuck. You. 

2) You weren't "there for her and her fanily through it". Who in hell was it that looked after her sister when she was airlifted in, made sure she could get visits to and from hospital, and woke up New Year's Day knowing how sick she was and hearing that she was brain dead. You heard on Facebook. More than 24 hours later. Who was it thats still looking after the family?
hey guess what. It was us. 

3)Stop saying God took her to be a fucking angel!!! This makes little sense. And it was hardly fair.

----------


## toaster little

so one of the answers I gave to a question on Yahoo Answers got like 5 thumbs up, but  got reported and they deducted 10 ponits from my account  ::(:  lol.  I've gotten in trouble so many times on that website.

----------


## James

I'm really missing having friends today, and really missing my gf.  People in the apartment upstairs are throwing what sounds like a huuuge party, really loud.  [BEEP] that noise I'm not even opening my door.  God when did I become so fucking antisocial?  And how did it happen?  I can remember a time when I would have met them by now.  And probably would be partying with them.  Not anymore.  Not a chance.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Sleepy already. Guess having absolutely nobody to talk to and nothing to do does that.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My makeup was horribly stubborn today for some reason, and difficult to get off. I used cleanser, which usually is enough, but there was STILL makeup rubbing off on my cotton balls afterwards. I can't be assed to do another cleanse so will have to hope I don't break out from it. Bah.

----------


## Member11

It is 9:50pm and is 28c/82.4f, no sleep tonight I guess  ::\:

----------


## GunnyHighway

Day three of having every single person (all 3 of em...) I normally talk to not exist to me. Going a bit crazy  ::\:

----------


## James

I'm really tired and sleepy, but my brain won't slow down.

----------


## Member11

> It is 9:50pm and is 28c/82.4f, no sleep tonight I guess



It is 10:30pm and is 30.4c/86.72f with the air full of smoke from a bushfire nearby, got to love Australia  ::\:

----------


## Koalafan

A wave of depression just hit me. I feel like I'm a walking giant black hole.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I feel like a shitty person. Probably why I have no friends. Probably why I can't get a girlfriend. I'm just inherently shitty and people see it like a giant neon sign above my head.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

The instructor I have been assigned to has no reviews whatsoever online, and I haven't heard of her before. I'm so terrified.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I feel like a shitty person. Probably why I have no friends. Probably why I can't get a girlfriend. I'm just inherently shitty and people see it like a giant neon sign above my head.



You're not a shitty person. Not even _kinda_ shitty. You're just not.  :Hug:

----------


## James

I hate being alone.  But I'm afraid of people.  Fml.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

All too familiar feelings of terror, anxiety, and loneliness.

----------


## GunnyHighway

> You're not a shitty person. Not even _kinda_ shitty. You're just not.



Thanks I guess. Hard to not feel that way some days though.


Spent all night getting bugged about the fact that I've only had one girlfriend that completely blueballed me so I've never _really_ been with a woman. All of their great suggestions involve messaging random girls online for pictures and "fun" and blahblahblah.  I get it, they're "joking", but that still sucks to have to hear. Not really something I've had a choice in and it's not looking like that'll change anytime soon. Great guys for the most part but sometimes they need to partake in a bit of shutting-the-fuck-up.

----------


## Kirsebaer

My parents keep blowing hot and cold about the kitten we've adopted a few months ago (I found her in the streets along with 2 other kittens, brought them home but only two of them got new homes so we decided to keep the third one, Nina). My parents are affectionate towards her but as soon as she does something wrong, like damage one of their plants, they say nasty things about her and blame me for bringing her home. My mom even told me a couple times that I should try to find a new home for her. That's pretty insensitive and selfish and it pisses me off. Unfortunately I can't keep an eye on her 24/7, but I think it's fucked up that they expect perfect behavior from a young animal... I really hate it when people see pets as something disposable that you can just get rid of as soon as they become an inconvenience in any way...

----------


## L

I made surprise plans for my boyfriend for Thursday but he is now sickly, I may need to cancel

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I wish I could settle on a mood. I hate when they're everywhere like this. Yay mood swings. Right now I feel alright, but I've got that sinking feeling that it's not going to last if my mind wanders at all.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

I feel like I'm on the verge of some sort of nervous breakdown.  ::\:

----------


## GunnyHighway

Certain features of this site are blocked at work. Fufufufufu COC lemme chat.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Life is looking really bleak.

And the Team Canada roster announced for Sochi is bothering me a whole lot more than I ever expected. I'm going in with rock bottom expectations.

----------


## James

I'm so isolated from the rest of the world these days.  I mean, there's alone, and then there's...ALONE.  I went to my other group therapy this morning, and came home right after, and haven't said a word to anyone all day.  Everyone in that group must really think I'm a freak.  I've never said a word, ever.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> I'm so isolated from the rest of the world these days.  I mean, there's alone, and then there's...ALONE.  I went to my other group therapy this morning, and came home right after, and haven't said a word to anyone all day.  Everyone in that group must really think I'm a freak.  I've never said a word, ever.



I doubt you're the only one who has gone to group therapy and not been able to say anything for a while. Even if the other participants don't have experience with it, I'm sure the head of the group has encountered it in the past and knows to wait to let you speak up on your own time.

----------


## James

> I doubt you're the only one who has gone to group therapy and not been able to say anything for a while. Even if the other participants don't have experience with it, I'm sure the head of the group has encountered it in the past and knows to wait to let you speak up on your own time.



Thanks.  Yeah there's one other guy there that's real quiet, but he'll talk when they put the spotlight on him.  I won't.  And I think the therapist knows it, no amount of prodding or poking me is going to do it.  I think she gave up on me.  I guess it's kind of funny, in a way.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> Thanks.  Yeah there's one other guy there that's real quiet, but he'll talk when they put the spotlight on him.  I won't.  And I think the therapist knows it, no amount of prodding or poking me is going to do it.  I think she gave up on me.  I guess it's kind of funny, in a way.



I'm not sure I'd see it as giving up on you so much as knowing that if you're going to say something eventually it'll be because you want to, not because you're expected to.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My sore throat. AGAIN. Damn it!

----------


## Koalafan

Bah...my GAD is definitely getting worse I've noticed. I always feel extremely tensed up during the day and it's impossible to relax. The only time I EVER get any comfort is when I'm knocked out....maybe that's why I've been sleeping 12 hours a day for the past couple of years  :Tongue:

----------


## SmileyFace

Someone being nosy with me... trying to pretend they actually care what I think. Doesn't help that they creep me out as well...

----------


## NikNik

I'm starting to hallucinate.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

What is this bullshit!? Can't sleep one night, sleep for 10-hours the next night, and now tonight I can't fall asleep again!  :argh:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

It's a quarter to six, I slept for less than five hours, and I'm due for a long day (by my standards).

----------


## Keddy

A lot of things are bothering me.
I have not heard back from any of the places where I put in a job application last week. I swear to God they took one look at me and were like "Umm, nope."
My mom has my car because hers got a flat yesterday and is in the shop, so I can't go anywhere until she's done with it for the day and I have no idea when she's coming home.
I need to go to the gym but I can't because I don't have my car.
I want to lock up every speck of unhealthy food in this house so I'm not tempted.
Apparently I'm dead to the few friends I still had, because no one has responded to my texts in over 24 hours.
My dog got bored/anxious earlier and started destroying the sheets on my bed because I had to put him in my room while the vacuum was going.
I have not had coffee yet and therefore I'm exhausted and cranky. I got 2 hours of sleep last night.
I really want to adopt this German shepherd I saw on Petfinder.com but my mom says absolutely not, at least not until I'm living on my own, which is likely no less than 5 or 6 years from now considering my financial situation.
Yeah, it's gonna be one of those days...  ::(:

----------


## GunnyHighway

Wish I wasn't so quick at the data entry portion of this job. I get stuck with more than I should just because my boss knows I can do it quickly. It's tedious and boring and bleh,

----------


## VickieKitties

Sore throat, can't sleep.  Worried about my bf's emotional wellbeing in his current living situation, wish we could get a place together but afraid to suggest it.

----------


## Koalafan

Why are all my pics too large for this site?  :drawing:

----------


## James

It looked like the daughter of my gf was doing really well but now I'm worried.  I always thought she dealt with the feelings from her mom's suicide, instead of burying them, but now I'm not so sure.  She's just really, really fucking depressed...beyond depressed.  I'm there for her as much as she needs me, but we're not as close as we once were.  I'm really worried about her.  I'm worried about her sisters, too.  I lost my gf, but they lost their mom.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Looks like I'm in for a hell of a few weeks. I've come to learn that I'm basically the only one of the guys who work this room (we have a rotation going on) that is competent enough to do it completely and properly. Due to such, I am stuck fixing a month and a half of work that failed to be done. Not my [BEEP] up, yet I'm stuck fixing it. 

This position is far from hard. It's just involves a lot of record keeping through Excel, a ticketing system, and a few IE based tools. If my disorganized and forgetful [BEEP] can handle it, anybody else should. 

 :bricks:  <- Bricks = stuff to do

----------


## Chantellabella

Just started to get very anxious before I came here. I feel a little better now.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Someone is going to the liquor store today and stocking up. Feels like it's gonna be one of *those* nights.

----------


## L

Strained a muscle in my back, I feel crippled with pain and I am working tomorrow   ::(:

----------


## GunnyHighway

> Strained a muscle in my back, I feel crippled with pain and I am working tomorrow



I did that earlier this week, at work. I decided to go above and beyond what I'm supposed to do by vacuuming the company car that I usually drive, and ended up killin my back. Still went out and did all of my assigned work, but got laughed at by my boss and buddy when I told them why I was hobbling around.

Best of luck to you and your back  ::

----------


## L

> I did that earlier this week, at work. I decided to go above and beyond what I'm supposed to do by vacuuming the company car that I usually drive, and ended up killin my back. Still went out and did all of my assigned work, but got laughed at by my boss and buddy when I told them why I was hobbling around.
> 
> Best of luck to you and your back



Aw gosh - it really hurts when I am sleeping and I turn - I was in a shop putting something into my bag and moved my upper body to fast or improper. You shouldn't have been laughed at, it is painful and I have just taken difene so sleep shouldn't be too painful tonight.

----------


## SmileyFace

Been rather bitchy and such today. Easily irritated. Good ol PMS cycle..

----------


## Koalafan

Great day. 40 minutes late for work, cold and rainy, melting snow is leaking inside my car so my seat is all wet, got written up for being 40 minutes late, and I have to work in a couple of hours overnight for inventory. Universe can you hear me? You can throw me a bone right?

----------


## James

I'm trying to figure out why my anxiety has been so, so high today.  On a scale of 1 to 10 it was about an 8 or 9.  There has to be a reason behind it but I'll be damned if I can I figure it out.  It started in my apartment a few hours before I was going to pick up my kids...it's my weekend with them.  I have this overwhelming feeling that something really bad is going to happen, I'm sweating, my breathing is really fast like I can't catch my breath and my mind is racing about a million different things at the same time.  When I left to go get them it was 4:30 on a Friday in one of the busiest parts of Houston, so of course I sat in traffic for an hour.  Maybe that was part of it.  When I go to work there's no traffic at all, coming and going.  But it had started before that.  I was really anxious when my kids and I got back to my apartment.  I kept telling myself to calm down but it wasn't helping.  It wasn't my kids.  I'm totally, completely comfortable around them.  Then we drove to my parents house because they've really been missing their grandkids, and I was still anxious and nervous.  [BEEP]!!!  I still don't know why.  I'm going to bring it up at my next therapy session.  My anxiety has been worse over the last couple of weeks for seemingly no reason.  I haven't been thinking about or dwelling on my girlfriend's suicide any more than I usually do every day.  I haven't changed my diet, or caffeine intake.  I'm not drinking, at all.  I'm taking all my meds exactly as prescribed.  I've been sleeping OK, although I've had a little trouble getting to sleep.  I have no fucking idea, I'm at a total loss as to what's going on, and it feels like I'm losing my mind.  I can understand when I get anxious in situations that normally trigger anxiety.  This seems to happen for no reason.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

I feel like the popularity of mobile devices and twitter has ruined peoples ability to communicate in anything other than inane, bite-sized chunks. There are exceptions, but the past two weeks have made me feel a little bitter about it. I write a short paragraph, I get a single sentence in return that is written in a way which gives me very little to grasp on to so I can formulate a response.

 :damn kids:

----------


## Kirsebaer

My bad habit of overanalizing my social interactions seems to be back.  :hit wall:  I truly hate it how my brain manages to somehow find "evidence" that persons A and B secretly hate me. fack this sh1t. I wanna be normal!

----------


## Koalafan

> My bad habit of overanalizing my social interactions seems to be back.  I truly hate it how my brain manages to somehow find "evidence" that persons A and B secretly hate me. fack this sh1t. I wanna be normal!



I know that feeling all too well  :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

Ridiculously anxious as of 1-2 days ago. This PMS thing seriously sucks. I don't remember being this bad last month. It's been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster overall. I had been feeling pretty good and everything the past couple weeks, and then suddenly... this week, it's been a complete 180.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I know that feeling all too well



Ditto, I get it on here, IRL, even with my family. It never really leaves me.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Sad, despaired.

----------


## GunnyHighway

> Sad, despaired.



Awe...hopefully that passes quick  :Hug: 

My tea gets cold too quick. My old mug was great, now my new mug is just too wide to stay warm for more than ten minutes. Never gonna be able to get another one of those mugs, unless I go completely insane and make my way up to middle of nowhere northern Saskatchewan.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Awe...hopefully that passes quick



Thanks.. Depends on your definition of "passes" though. I spent the past two days realizing that I have made a terrible, terrible misjudgment and mistake.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Even felt so shitty you started shaking? That's what...

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I woke up today feeling worse than I've felt in months, which I think might have something to do with the change in weather. It's certainly not hot or anything yet, but it must have struck a chord in my brain somewhere and reminded me too much of summer? The season when all my problems are magnified and I'm forced to deal with things that don't have proper solutions. I'm not sure depression is even the right word, it's more of an empty/hollow feeling that things are very wrong and there's nothing you can do about it, followed by a lot of anger. Anyway, I seem to have shaken most of that mood but there's still some residual badness and this time it's making my physical anxiety act up, mainly my racing heart. 
I don't wanna take meds. I took meds yesterday because we had like 20 people over. Gotta keep the tolerance down.  ::\: 
That rule can kindly [BEEP] off if I still feel the same come bedtime, however.

----------


## Koalafan

> I woke up today feeling worse than I've felt in months, which I think might have something to do with the change in weather. It's certainly not hot or anything yet, but it must have struck a chord in my brain somewhere and reminded me too much of summer? The season when all my problems are magnified and I'm forced to deal with things that don't have proper solutions. I'm not sure depression is even the right word, it's more of an empty/hollow feeling that things are very wrong and there's nothing you can do about it, followed by a lot of anger. Anyway, I seem to have shaken most of that mood but there's still some residual badness and this time it's making my physical anxiety act up, mainly my racing heart. 
> I don't wanna take meds. I took meds yesterday because we had like 20 people over. Gotta keep the tolerance down. 
> That rule can kindly [BEEP] off if I still feel the same come bedtime, however.



 ::(: ...*smothers illusion with koala hugs*  :Hug:   :koala:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> ...*smothers illusion with koala hugs*



awww shanks, koala :3

 :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I woke up today feeling worse than I've felt in months, which I think might have something to do with the change in weather. It's certainly not hot or anything yet, but it must have struck a chord in my brain somewhere and reminded me too much of summer? The season when all my problems are magnified and I'm forced to deal with things that don't have proper solutions. I'm not sure depression is even the right word, it's more of an empty/hollow feeling that things are very wrong and there's nothing you can do about it, followed by a lot of anger. Anyway, I seem to have shaken most of that mood but there's still some residual badness and this time it's making my physical anxiety act up, mainly my racing heart. 
> I don't wanna take meds. I took meds yesterday because we had like 20 people over. Gotta keep the tolerance down. 
> That rule can kindly [BEEP] off if I still feel the same come bedtime, however.



awww  ::(:  I know that feeling all too well (emptiness) and for some reason it always seems to strike us harder in the morning... I hope it won't persist  :Hug:  As for the physical symptoms and racing heart, avoid caffeine like the plague.. it makes a huge difference. If you need someone to talk to, you know how to find me  ::):

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> awww  I know that feeling all too well (emptiness) and for some reason it always seems to strike us harder in the morning... I hope it won't persist  As for the physical symptoms and racing heart, avoid caffeine like the plague.. it makes a huge difference. If you need someone to talk to, you know how to find me



Thanks, I appreciate it, though I'm sorry to hear that you know the feeling because it's goddamn awful. For me it's far worse than any sort of sadness I get from depression. Still not sure what to call it, but emptiness definitely fits. 

I have a love-hate relationship with caffeine. Last time I had two coffees in the same hour my anxiety was through the roof. Any more than one and I'm certainly awake but it's not worth the extra anxiety. D:
I'm gonna call it a night soon I think. Sleep seems to be the only thing that drags me *completely* out of these moods. 

 :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Thanks, I appreciate it, though I'm sorry to hear that you know the feeling because it's goddamn awful. For me it's far worse than any sort of sadness I get from depression. Still not sure what to call it, but emptiness definitely fits. 
> 
> I have a love-hate relationship with caffeine. Last time I had two coffees in the same hour my anxiety was through the roof. Any more than one and I'm certainly awake but it's not worth the extra anxiety. D:
> I'm gonna call it a night soon I think. Sleep seems to be the only thing that drags me *completely* out of these moods.



Well, I'm the same, I love coffee but it's really bad for my anxiety. I try to drink decaf instead. Sometimes I relapse and immediately get reminded of why I should avoid it. Anyway, I'm off to bed too.. Sleep tight, Illusion! I hope you'll wake up feeling refreshed tomorrow  ::):

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Well, I'm the same, I love coffee but it's really bad for my anxiety. I try to drink decaf instead. Sometimes I relapse and immediately get reminded of why I should avoid it. Anyway, I'm off to bed too.. Sleep tight, Illusion! I hope you'll wake up feeling refreshed tomorrow



I quit drinking coffee twice before, but I guess it didn't last long huh. Need that one morning coffee.

Well, I hope you sleep well too. :3
I've really got to stop talking about sleeping and just try to already.

----------


## James

I'm really missing my gf.  I was really tired and fell asleep earlier, and when I woke up I had this feeling that I was dreaming about her.  I know I was.  But I can't remember the dream.  I hate it when that happens.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I couldn't sleep all night, I'm due at the hospital soon, I feel like absolute shit, I just want to be dead. The terror just never ends.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Paranoia

----------


## James

I have an appointment tomorrow that I do not want to go to.  In fact I would do just about anything to avoid going.  I'd rather have a root canal.  I'd rather have major surgery.  I'd rather walk barefoot on a field of broken glass.  But there's no getting out of it.  Fuck.

----------


## SmileyFace

Been having flashbacks all of today of the sexual abuse I went through years ago  ::\:

----------


## Kirsebaer

It was sooo hard to get out of bed this morning... I'm on my way to work now but still half asleep...

----------


## Kirsebaer

my internet is really unstable tonight... I keep getting disconnected.. pffff

----------


## Keddy

Anxiety about nothing; it has no excuse to be pestering me right now  ::\: 
It always amazes me how my brain seems to think it's alright to get anxious for no @#$% reason.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My new classmate made me laugh a lot today, so I'm in a bit of a lighter mood.

----------


## James

Life.  Everything.  My mind won't slow down, again.

----------


## SmileyFace

Feeling incredibly anxious and lonely today. Been feeling this way since last night.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Not necessarily still bothering me, but I had good old fashion nightmareâfirst one I've had in a while. Crappy way to wake up.  ::\:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

My "no really, I'm happy" smile kinda resembles the face you'd make after biting into a lemon.
Mental note: work on that.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> My "no really, I'm happy" smile kinda resembles the face you'd make after biting into a lemon.
> Mental note: work on that.



Man, I can't fake a smile at all. My muscles twitch and [BEEP] because my brain knows it's not real and it looks awkward and probably creepy, so I've just stopped trying. Only genuine smiles for this cowboy. Â¬_Â¬

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Man, I can't fake a smile at all. My muscles twitch and [BEEP] because my brain knows it's not real and it looks awkward and probably creepy, so I've just stopped trying. Only genuine smiles for this cowboy. Â¬_Â¬



I used to be so good at it. Guess I lost my touch.  ::\: 
Maybe I was never any good at it anyway. 

I like this btw: Â¬_Â¬
Though I've not figured out how to make it so c&p it is! What kind of an internet addict am I?

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> I used to be so good at it. Guess I lost my touch. 
> Maybe I was never any good at it anyway. 
> 
> I like this btw: Â¬_Â¬
> Though I've not figured out how to make it so c&p it is! What kind of an internet addict am I?



ALT+0172. On windows, at least.

----------


## GunnyHighway

The annual reminder of loneliness is approaching, and the commercials have begun playing quite regularly. Somebody please put me into a coma until about February 20th.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Â¬_Â¬

we have a wiener.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I wish it wasn't so easy for my mood to plummet like it does.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I sliced my palm open with my never used before, superridiculousholyfuckinshit sharp bread knife. I made the oh so easily avoidable mistake of not cutting towards yourself. Now I sit here, palm glued shut with crazy glue, feeling like a dipshit.

The only good news of that story is that I bought that tube of crazy glue not even half an hour before I cut myself. It was for something else completely different. (I've gotta seal the end of some leather cord, since I'm turning it into laces for my boots.)

----------


## Keddy

> I sliced my palm open with my never used before, superridiculousholyfuckinshit sharp bread knife. I made the oh so easily avoidable mistake of not cutting towards yourself. Now I sit here, palm glued shut with crazy glue, feeling like a dipshit.



Jeez, I hope you're OK!  :O_O: 
That crap is scary. A few months ago I cut myself shaving and literally thought I was going to die. First (and freakin' last) time using an electric razor. 
Sharp objects are frightening  :hide:

----------


## James

Thoughts in my head are bothering me.  Way too many and way too depressing.  The really sad thing is, if I could drink, I would probably be drunk 24/7  just to numb everything out.  I'd probably (and might one day) drink myself to death.

----------


## GunnyHighway

> Jeez, I hope you're OK! 
> That crap is scary. A few months ago I cut myself shaving and literally thought I was going to die. First (and freakin' last) time using an electric razor. 
> Sharp objects are frightening



Electric razors are horrid, I'm never using one again. I'm actually looking at getting a nice straight razor and shaving with that (Yes...me...the guy who just sliced his palm open. Except now it'll be a retarded sharp blade on my face!)


To give you an idea, this is what my knife set looks like. I can cut  less than 1mm thick slices of onion with the chef's knife at the top. My  fancy Japanese knife on the left used to, but it's a bit dull and I'm  still a bit new at whetstone sharpening as you can tell by the scratches.




I don't like using serrated knives as they're unpredictable sometimes,  but a baguette kinda requires it. As I said though it's my own damn  fault. Broke the cardinal rule.

----------


## SmileyFace

Felt ok earlier after a long bout of anxiety. Now I'm anxious again.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I fail at every damn thing in life. Fuck. I can't even compete in a freaking game of chess.

It's such a perfect metaphor for life! A brief moment of pride as I claim a bishop, only to have my Queen taken by a damn pawn, and then it's checkmate in three more moves.

ARGH. [BEEP] I'm sorry I'm so frustrated. It's like everything wrong with my life and me is being shown back to me in these checkered squares.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Chess frustrates the everliving [BEEP] out of me. I'm decent at it, but it's just every time I lose something important I go back twenty minutes and thing "WHAT DID I DO WRONG?! THEY DIDN'T DESERVE THAT DEATH."

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Can you go play against Claire here http://www.sparkchess.com/ and tell me how you do? If this were in real life I'd have thrown the board against the wall already.

----------


## GunnyHighway

> Can you go play against Claire here http://www.sparkchess.com/ and tell me how you do? If this were in real life I'd have thrown the board against the wall already.



Well then ma'am, you sure know how to make a man rage uncontrollably on his Friday nights. This is the best I could manage so far, and one game included me losing in 4 turns. You should face me, I'm sure you'd probably kick my [BEEP] as I'm pretty rusty at all of this.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

We're in the same boat- I played my first game in over ten years three nights ago.  I'll go sign in, tell me your user ID! I'll be black  ::):

----------


## GunnyHighway

> We're in the same boat- I played my first game in over ten years three nights ago.  I'll go sign in, tell me your user ID! I'll be black



Tis' GunnyHighway. Find meeeee. I need about 5 though, gonna make a drink and stuffs.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Already got myself a cider.. I also can't find you!

----------


## Koalafan

So much weird energy I have. Feel like I can go and run a 500k right now  :Tongue:

----------


## GunnyHighway

I'm bad and I should feel bad  ::'(:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> I'm bad an I should feel bad



 :cheers:  Aw hey, _I_ had fun! When I was down to pawns I almost wanted to forfeit..

*hugs*!!! Thanks for the game! I like you more than Claire.

----------


## GunnyHighway

> Aw hey, _I_ had fun! When I was down to pawns I almost wanted to forfeit..
> 
> *hugs*!!! Thanks for the game! I like you more than Claire.



I honestly thought I had you when you got down to pawns. I didn't know you could diagonally get your pawn to a queen though  ::s:  Oh well! It was fun nonetheless. I got beaten by a girl though. Life as I know it is over, how can I live with myself  :Tongue:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> I honestly thought I had you when you got down to pawns. I didn't know you could diagonally get your pawn to a queen though  Oh well! It was fun nonetheless. I got beaten by a girl though. Life as I know it is over, how can I live with myself



Yeah, that's a rule I initially forgot. You can also get a piece from your opponent's graveyard, hence my second Queen summoning.

 :Hug: ?

----------


## GunnyHighway

> Yeah, that's a rule I initially forgot. You can also get a piece from your opponent's graveyard, hence my second Queen summoning.
> 
> ?



 :Hug:  indeed!  I knew about the opponent's graveyard thing however, so at least I haven't forgotten *everything.*

----------


## Koalafan

I can feel a really bad wave of depression coming on

----------


## Keddy

I was prescribed a new medication and didn't exactly credit the warning that it "may cause drowsiness" and "may cause dizziness."
I feel like I've been tranquilized  :dazed:

----------


## Arcadia

I wish I mattered more and had more to offer.

----------


## L

I am so far behind on an assignment and I just spend too much time researching something that I think is not real

----------


## Keddy

> I just spend too much time researching something that I think is not real



Like a conspiracy theory, you mean? Or those "medical breakthrough articles" I find all the time online that turn out to be total quackery?
Those things can be kind of scary.
Sorry if I was being nosy, I was just curious because I tend to research "not real" stuff quite often too. And generally find that the thing is, indeed, not real... but it still bothers the crap out of me and I worry nonetheless.

----------


## SmileyFace

Family is back home.. and it's made me wish I had the house to myself even longer. I've already found them to be an annoyance, especially my brother.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I don't want to stay awake much longer, but my mind started wandering and I feel like I need to get my head straight before I try to sleep. 
Now, just how in the hell is that supposed to happen? Mood swings are so exhausting.  :hit wall: 
C'mon brain, we had an alright day. Not spectacular, but it wasn't a disaster either. What's with the sudden influx of negative thoughts?
I'm running out of ways to distract myself.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I keep poking and picking at the super glue that's holding my palm together. I know if I rip the glue off it'll go back to bleeding like crazy, but it's tempting.

----------


## James

Really thinking about and missing my gf a lot today.  One of those days where ever song on the radio reminds me of her, or us, or something we were doing.  God I miss her.  It's never going to go away.

----------


## Chantellabella

Being in nomad mode, I've been doing my therapy sessions over Skype from whatever city I'm in. The little square in the corner that shows me, has been creating a ton of inner conflict for me.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Welcome back to my feeling of extreme lonely. If I had a nickle for every time I was reminded by someone that I'm a virgin and/or have only had a single girlfriend in my lifetime, I'd be rich.

----------


## Keddy

> Welcome back to my feeling of extreme lonely. If I had a nickle for every time I was reminded by someone that I'm a virgin and/or have only had a single girlfriend in my lifetime, I'd be rich.



I hear you on that one  ::(: 
Oh God, I'd be a millionaire... And if you added a nickel to that for every time someone reminded me I've never actually had a legitimate girlfriend...
Hmm, maybe I should start investing myself in that. I'm broke.  :hit wall:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I'm so tired of feeling so despaired everyday. Will things ever be okay again?

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> I'm so tired of feeling so despaired everyday. Will things ever be okay again?



I've been feeling that way as well.

----------


## Rawr

Tired of my thoughts haunting me.

----------


## L

> Like a conspiracy theory, you mean? Or those "medical breakthrough articles" I find all the time online that turn out to be total quackery?
> Those things can be kind of scary.
> Sorry if I was being nosy, I was just curious because I tend to research "not real" stuff quite often too. And generally find that the thing is, indeed, not real... but it still bothers the crap out of me and I worry nonetheless.



Hey,

No, I am doing research for a college assignment that requires me to do a teaching plan - I was looking up something in relation to educational levels and academic standards and what I was looking up I think just applies to my college and not all of them in Ireland so I couldn't find the information.

----------


## Keddy

> No, I am doing research for a college assignment that requires me to do a teaching plan - I was looking up something in relation to educational levels and academic standards and what I was looking up I think just applies to my college and not all of them in Ireland so I couldn't find the information.



Ah, I see. Once again, sorry if I was nosy LOL. But that sounds like quite a frustrating situation too. Hope you find the information soon though!  ::):

----------


## SmileyFace

Feeling depressed and lonely this morning...

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

This is pretty low on my complaint scale, but the girls I'm going out with today don't drink.

----------


## GunnyHighway

So ronery. 

What a miserable Sunday. Back pain, [BEEP] pain (both from my bike ride), left palm still hurting, and a cut on my right middle finger from my pocket knife from playing with it too much. Missed a Skype call from my mom because my internet's been all wonky and now she's mad at me again because "I'm avoiding her". 

Sigh.

----------


## GunnyHighway

And another hour spent in bed without being able to fall asleep. I've never really had much issue in terms of sleeping, but this past week has just been toss and turn and toss and turn...

----------


## Koalafan

Everything  ::(:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Just feel depressed. Everyone in my family is depressed.

----------


## James

Tired of everything, I have too much going on, way too many issues.  I want to avoid and escape.  If I had a fifth of Stoli here in my apartment right now I would drink the whole. fucking. bottle.  Fast.  In fact I think I just made my plans for tomorrow.

----------


## SmileyFace

headache

----------


## Chantellabella

I'm really tired of being jobless and homeless!!!! I wish the city who said they are hiring me would go faster. I want to get back to work. I want to find a home. I want to go get my cats and live with them again. I want to get my life back on track!!! 

And..........I went to my past job's website and they changed the teen program to an old movie they have already seen at the library on a Sunday afternoon which means none of them will go and they don't even seem to have the programs that I already planned and organized! Are they just going to let the teen programming die? Grrrrr!

----------


## GunnyHighway

The woman upstairs that plays piano...it's gorgeous and I love hearing it most days. Today though, it's just kinda been bothering me and making me sad. Roommate has been going on dates every few days, keeps telling me I need to go on dates too and this and that. It's been three days since I've had a decent conversation with anybody outside of work. 

I'm like the sun. Everything's going on around me, but if someone gets near to me they melt away.

----------


## Rawr

> The woman upstairs that plays piano...it's gorgeous and I love hearing it most days. Today though, it's just kinda been bothering me and making me sad. Roommate has been going on dates every few days, keeps telling me I need to go on dates too and this and that. It's been three days since I've had a decent conversation with anybody outside of work. 
> 
> I'm like the sun. Everything's going on around me, but if someone gets near to me they melt away.




I know the feeling :/ I'm like the sun as well. Everyone tells me to go on a date too but I can't seem to get one. I was about to go on one with this guy until I found out he had a girlfriend he didn't want to tell me about. So yeah... Reckon I'll be forever alone or some shit.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

I really thought that 11 hours of sleep would make me not want to wake up and think "damn I'm tired, more sleep it is then" but no. Still exhausted and wanting to crawl back into bed all day. y u do dis body.

----------


## L

> I really thought that 11 hours of sleep would make me not want to wake up and think "damn I'm tired, more sleep it is then" but no. Still exhausted and wanting to crawl back into bed all day. y u do dis body.



Too much sleep is bad for you too

----------


## GunnyHighway

> I was about to go on one with this guy until I found out he had a girlfriend he didn't want to tell me about.



All I can really comment on that is try to look at it as a bullet dodged. My only relationship was 8 months of her having a boyfriend already...

We can be foreveralone buddies  :Hug:

----------


## Air Caterpillar

> Too much sleep is bad for you too



Yeah. I can't seem to find a balance though!

----------


## SmileyFace

I wish finding a job was easy...

----------


## L

> Yeah. I can't seem to find a balance though!



Have you ever looked at rem cycles

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I feel so awful. I hate how intensely stressful these are for me.

My stomach is twisting, ugh.

----------


## Still Waters

I have had a crazy stressful day and just wanted some peace and calm.  I'm sitting in the living room,tv intentionally off.  A family member marches in and literally rushes to turn on the tv.  Obviously I'm capable of turning it on and have chosen not to do so. I mention I'd rather have it off and all heck breaks loose!  WHY is it considered rude if I turn OFF a tv someone's watching but not the inverse?!?  We do have other tvs in other rooms. -Of course I get screamed at,as if it's simply incomprehensible that a human being wouldn't need/want tv blasting every waking moment!!

----------


## Still Waters

> I keep poking and picking at the super glue that's holding my palm together. I know if I rip the glue off it'll go back to bleeding like crazy, but it's tempting.



Super Glue?!?  That can't be good,it would trap bacteria and likely cause an infection -not to mention super glue isn't sterile.

----------


## Koalafan

> I wish finding a job was easy...



You and me both ::\:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

An unnerving talk with my instructor, one where it almost felt like she had read my personal blog and saw through me, every part of my words and my lies. "Is nursing really what you want to do?"

----------


## SmileyFace

Mom getting on my nerves about where I should work and what I should do to get a job. It's driving me up the wall.

----------


## Leary

I don't think my anti-depressants are working anymore. I've been horribly depressed all week and as anti-social as ever.

----------


## Rawr

> All I can really comment on that is try to look at it as a bullet dodged. My only relationship was 8 months of her having a boyfriend already...
> 
> We can be foreveralone buddies



Yeah... & sorry to hear that. I was engaged almost 2 years with a guy that was on dating sites & hitting on random facebook women :/.

:3  :Hug:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

It would take too long to explain what's bothering me in a way that is complete and comprehensible. 

So I'll just say I'm out of booze, and I kind of really need it.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Very minimal level of complaint here, but holy crap my cut is itchy as all fuck. It's almost healed but not enough to the point where scratching it wouldn't open it up again. Nobody likes a randomly bloody work space.

----------


## meeps

I asked for layers and she gave me a very specific 80's-esque hairstyle. the only way I can hide these short [BEEP] layers is with that half hair in ponytail thing..fuuuckkkingggAAAA. Not worth the $50 and i pretended i liked it because the last time i didnt like a haircut they made me feel guilty by acting all depressed and then another stylist saw the girl that cut my hair was sad and blamed me and said "you're welcome" snarkily when i walked out the door as if i was an evil [BEEP] for saying I didnt like my too shrot bangs..If i had said i didnt like it this time maybe they would have given me a discount or something..ughhh

----------


## Kirsebaer

I hate my dad's explosive temper! He can be so fucking rude to me (or anyone) for no fucking reason!

----------


## SmileyFace

EDIT: Hate how I freak out over things and not be patient about stuff...

----------


## GunnyHighway

With my sleep problems as of late, I broke down and bought some sleep aid tea. I don't really want to have to, but if it's gonna help then I guess I'll soldier on...

----------


## James

I'm so, so fucking anxious.  I don't think I'm going to go to group therapy tomorrow.  I want to, but I don't think I can do it.  I've been trying to get myself to go since November of last year.  And every time I flake out at the last minute.  I haven't had a really good experience with it in the past.  I'm very, very quiet, and I think because of that I end up getting a lot of attention.  And no one there is going to be as screwed up as me, have as many disorders as me.  I won't fit in.  I'm a twice-divorced 43 year old with a list of disorders as long as my arm, and so much emotional baggage they won't know what to do with me.  I'm so screwed up over my girlfriend's suicide.  No one's going to be able to relate to me, at all.  Why did I even agree to go?  The last time I saw my psychiatrist he told me that everyone has the same thoughts I'm having, and I just need to get out the front door and go.  I wish it was that easy.

----------


## SmileyFace

I feel ugly on the outside and inside today. I just feel like I'm not worth anything. And I'm so tired of people telling me what to do and how to do things, especially how to dress. Their suggestions are great and I'd agree with them, but at the same time.. it bugs me when they just give suggestions when I didn't even tell them too. And I don't like the feeling I get when I follow their advice, because then I feel like I can't make my own decisions. It's a lose-lose type of situation.

----------


## L

I want to exam results.....it has been over a month now!!!!!!!!!!

----------


## GunnyHighway

Canada Revenue Agency sent me a letter saying my taxes were adjusted and I owe them $104.  ::\:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Canada Revenue Agency sent me a letter saying my taxes were adjusted and I owe them $104.



Is it tax season already? Hm I haven't gotten my T4 or T3s yet.

----------


## GunnyHighway

No, this is for taxes from a year ago. It's stupid.

----------


## Keddy

I had a few drinks last night and I haven't slept and now I'm feeling pretty strange but not tired, and I keep thinking about how I'm never going to have a girlfriend. Because it came up in conversation with my roommate who's in a very serious relationship with a very pretty girl and it makes me feel like a pile of crap. I personally don't understand what makes me so unattractive or un-dateable.  ::(:

----------


## GunnyHighway

What the [BEEP] Netflix. I was watching Weeds, started season 6, and now a few days later everything Season 6 to 8 is no longer there.

----------


## Total Eclipse

I just did that thing where I spend 20 minutes at someone's house and  leave because I just can't stand social interaction and I'm afraid of  saying something for fear of my awkwardness and offending someone.  Fantastic.

----------


## Koalafan

I really need to stop talking to you...it's obviously starting to take a serious toll on my mental health =/

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I really need to stop talking to you...it's obviously starting to take a serious toll on my mental health =/



 :Hug:

----------


## L

I hate not being able to spell well

----------


## SmileyFace

Having a hard time finding work in my field  ::(:

----------


## L

> I had a few drinks last night and I haven't slept and now I'm feeling pretty strange but not tired, and I keep thinking about how I'm never going to have a girlfriend. Because it came up in conversation with my roommate who's in a very serious relationship with a very pretty girl and it makes me feel like a pile of crap. I personally don't understand what makes me so unattractive or un-dateable.



Hugs - but ehy do you say you'll never have a girlfriend? Are you a fortune teller?

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

A friggen ton of things are bothering me right now. I am more or less just trying to ignore them.

----------


## SmileyFace

This idiot I know was able to save up for a trip to NYC. She's been there for a couple days and is already complaining about having nothing to do. There's plenty of things to do... she's just too lazy to go anywhere. And then she moans and groans about not wanting to leave NYC.. how she'll feel depressed once she leaves. I told her to make the most of her days there then.. and she was all I know but I don't know where to go. Her other complaint is.. she knows where to go but can't decide where to go. Hell, I'd just... go, if I were her.. knowing that things will be far from being a disappoint.

She always finds something to [BEEP] and complain about. She needs to realize that millions of people in this world would LOVE to be in her place right now.. to be in NYC and explore, despite the weather conditions lately. I can't stand people like her... always so fuckin ungrateful about everything. She complains about everything... even when it comes to things she knows makes her feel good deep down.. but still. ugh.

----------


## Koalafan

> 



Thanks Kay!  :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

Overall, I feel cranky and impatient tonight. I guess it's due to lack of sleep. I only had 5 hours of sleep last night. Although I functioned okay today and managed to get things done, my mood still felt a bit off..

----------


## Member11

Pains in my stomach.  ::(:

----------


## L

Why does doing something normal that is out of my routine make me really anxious - I have to go call a taxi to get to the bus station and I am so over thinking this - I would walk the 20 minutes to the bus stop to avoid it but it is raining really badly.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> Hugs - but ehy do you say you'll never have a girlfriend? Are you a fortune teller?



Pretty common fear among us mopey forever alone types. :b

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Besides the bigger problem... ennui. 

Perhaps I should get a weekend job.

----------


## SmileyFace

Gets so boring and depressing at home. Hardly anyone talks to each other here. When I try to talk to my parents or brother, they get irritated and want to be left alone. I should have took the car to go somewhere today, but I didn't know where to really go...

----------


## Member11

Head hurts  ::(:

----------


## Keddy

> Hugs - but ehy do you say you'll never have a girlfriend? Are you a fortune teller?



Awh, thanks for pointing that out, Lasair. Hugs to you too  :Hug: 
True, I am not a fortune teller, so I don't know that for a fact. Maybe I'll start looking again now that I've found a new job with new females around who aren't mean to me  ::D: 
It's hopeless at my college, though. They all go for athletic guys. My fellow nerds tend to go overlooked just as much as I do  ::(: 

Something bothering me right now is that I have to wear a suit to my business management class tomorrow morning, I have a presentation, ugh >.<

----------


## Koalafan

Trying to structure this screenplay...why can't it just come perfectly the first time!  :bopa:

----------


## SmileyFace

Feeling a bit oversensitive tonight...

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I need help.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

There isn't a single thing that happens in my life that I can handle. I've got hives all over my forearms and the backs of my hands from stressing too much.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I need help.



What's going on? What do u need help with?





> There isn't a single thing that happens in my life that I can handle. I've got hives all over my forearms and the backs of my hands from stressing too much.



ouch! that doesn't sound good  ::s:  I was going to suggest taking a long walk to release the stress.. but then I remembered that it's probably way too cold for that in Canada right now ...

----------


## Kirsebaer

My niece had a surgery this morning and is now recovering in the hospital... it breaks my heart to think that she's in pain

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> ouch! that doesn't sound good  I was going to suggest taking a long walk to release the stress.. but then I remembered that it's probably way too cold for that in Canada right now ...



I think you mean _itch_.  :Tongue: 
They're quite small but they're definitely there. Hours later, they've faded quite a bit thankfully. They're only really noticeable if I scratch the hell outta them, then the whole surrounding area turns red and it looks like some sort of rash. It's not that cold here today, but still cold enough that I'd rather be inside with a cup of tea.

Speaking of which.

*tea break*

----------


## L

> Awh, thanks for pointing that out, Lasair. Hugs to you too 
> True, I am not a fortune teller, so I don't know that for a fact. Maybe I'll start looking again now that I've found a new job with new females around who aren't mean to me 
> It's hopeless at my college, though. They all go for athletic guys. My fellow nerds tend to go overlooked just as much as I do 
> 
> Something bothering me right now is that I have to wear a suit to my business management class tomorrow morning, I have a presentation, ugh >.<



That's what my support worker used to ask me all the time when I tried to predict the future and I thought it was a fair point. Yeah I didn't met my boyfriend in college or work - he came from completely outside of my "social circles" (I don't have a social but you know what I mean) and guess what he is a total nerd and I love it  :Razz:  - How did you presentation go?

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> What's going on? What do u need help with?



Things are getting worse.. I'm seeing a counsellor at the end of the week, but I don't think that will be any real help besides being a catharsis outlet. Once the session is over, things will still be the same, nothing will have improved or changed. Thanks for asking.

----------


## enfield

i missed the bus. can you believe it, i missed it. i looked on my phone and there was no way i'd be ready in time. the next bus wasn't coming for another twenty minutes after that one. then i'd have to come into class late and there'd be eyes on me and i'd have to find a seat and make these noises as i was sitting things down and interrupt the class. so i didn't go. and all because i was too determined to finish some _stupid_ episodes of some _stupid_ show that im _stupidly_ watching. does it sound like im mad? im not, i secretly love it when i miss school like this, when things get in the way of me making it to school. i can't really say i like it. i've got to pretend these were inconveniences but it's really not. its only an "inconvenience" when i have talk about it. in my mind it's like YESSSSSSSSSS, what a convenience! i thought i had things timed well but then it took me too long to print an essential document. i had to use this other computer to print and it took like ten minutes to start up and by that time i was already late.

----------


## L

I'm starting a new placement in the morning......I'm on the normal side of anxious for this kind of situation at the moment but my food is digesting really loudly

----------


## Keddy

> How did you presentation go?



It went well, thank you  ::): 
Although I was a bit anxious and I was shaking, I only had to present for 5 minutes and it was decent.
Hope you feel better once you've started the new placement, by the way.  ::):

----------


## SmileyFace

job search getting just as frustrated..

----------


## Kirsebaer

I miss her so bad it hurts... ::'(: 

I should go to sleep now and stop dwelling on sad thoughts

----------


## James

I'm missing my gf, wishing I had her in my arms right now.  Wishing I had more than her nightgowns and a few pictures to remind me of her.  Wishing she hadn't left like she did.  Wishing she had talked to me.  Wishing I had made her talk to me.  And trying not let the guilt eat me alive.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Good thing my credit card payment didn't go through. Ordered this but got declined. [BEEP] these kinds of nights.

----------


## Koalafan

Myself

----------


## Kirsebaer

Still feeling down today. Why did I have to start worrying about the future again?

----------


## Keddy

I'm feeling ill  ::(: 
Didn't really sleep much at all, my allergies are weirdly acting up, someone shut off the central heating in my dorm last night and I'm wearing like 3 layers just to sit around my stupid kitchen right now, I've been really dehydrated and just had to suffer through a cup of gross tea that tasted like vomit, I think I forgot to take my pills this morning, and I have a board meeting tonight at 6 that I can't blow off on account of a minor ailment like this. I forgot to run to the store and buy Tylenol earlier so I'm going to have to stand out in the cold and catch the city bus. I don't mean to be a whiner but I feel like crap!  ::(: 
On the positive side, at least, I went to all my classes today and I'm finished with those until tomorrow... *Sigh* *Bangs head off of table* Time for a hot shower and a coffee. Urgh  :dazed:

----------


## SmileyFace

I think I had too much sugar for this first half of the day. I'm having an anxiety attack right now. I feel a bit queasy too. Ah... that homemade brownie was good at least. I just don't like this feeling right now  :-_-:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My instructor hasn't set our midterm date so I don't know when to book my trip to Toronto. I want to go in two weeks.. ugh.

----------


## SmileyFace

Ugh, got all oversensitive about something mins ago, and now I regret it like crazy. I feel so stupid.

----------


## Keddy

Really bad sinus congestion  ::(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I don't know how I'm going to handle this at all. I guess with heaps of meds. Better stock up. :/

----------


## L

> It went well, thank you 
> Although I was a bit anxious and I was shaking, I only had to present for 5 minutes and it was decent.
> Hope you feel better once you've started the new placement, by the way.



Day two have been better than day one so heres to hoping it gets better each day

----------


## GunnyHighway

Fighting so hard to not doze off. I need sleep, but work is not the place.

----------


## SmileyFace

I seriously hate sharing things in this house. I feel like I don't get anything much out of living here. Later on, it's expected I share my future salary earnings with everyone in the house. It's just not fair. It always seems like people here take more for themselves and hardly leave me with anything.

As of lately, I hate sharing my car with my dad. Without the car, I can't really go anywhere a bit far.. so I'm stuck in this house doing nothing. Been experiencing cabin fever a whole lot.

----------


## James

Having flashbacks.  I fucking cried for the first time in months.  I'm such a fucking baby.  I just need to get over this.  Over her.  But I can't.

----------


## L

I feel so thick and stupid when it comes to writing assignments

----------


## James

I'm self-harming again. [BEEP] I don't need any more scars.  FML FML FML

----------


## Kirsebaer

colonel meow passed away  ::'(:

----------


## Air Caterpillar

i'm having a fucking breakdown. i might get evicted. this is a god damn nightmare and i just need to scream but OH NO, I MIGHT GET ANOTHER FUCKING WARNING AND BE KICKED OUT FOR SURE. this is such bullshit. i pay way too fucking much for this piece of [BEEP] room, for their shitty [BEEP] overpriced food, just to be close to school that i'm failing at anyways. so i fucking smoke in my room, [BEEP] you. it's a stupid rule. how about you go bother half of the other tenants who are baked out of their minds from smoking weed in their room?! [BEEP] RESIDENCE, [BEEP] YOUR RULES, FUCKFUCKFUCKINGFUCK EVERYTHING

----------


## James

And now I'm self-medicating.  I just can't take anymore, I don't care anymore.  FML.  It's a long, downward spiral.  I can see the earth rushing up to crush my skull into a million pieces.  And I can't wait.

----------


## Keddy

I had Chinese food without checking the calories first :/

----------


## SmileyFace

Experiencing flashbacks again today (2nd time this week). They're so unbearable  ::(:  I can't focus on anything at all...

----------


## L

I still haven't learnt, after 23 years, not to believe a single world that comes out of my mothers mouth - I don't understand why I still let all her stupid broken promises upset me - why, when she does this, do I still look to please her. *I'm such an idiot.*

----------


## Keddy

My parents hate me all of a sudden because I decided living at college was too much for me. I'm still going to school during the day but I dropped a business class and my parents are furious. I moved home today and they lost their crap on me. They even said they don't want me living here. My brother can get away with whatever the hell he wants just because they are SO SURE he's going to get accepted to Harvard and MIT and Brown etc. next year and his sorry [BEEP] NEVER gets into any kind of trouble, the fucking shithead. He sat there at the dinner table and laughed at me and my parents didn't even say anything. 
So what are they going to do? Throw me out? Where am I going to live?!
They can't make me drop out of school and they can't hide every set of car keys on me and they can't lock me in my room, so I'm still going to fucking school. 
My mom wouldn't even help me unpack my clothes.
They are not speaking to me.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Bailed out of shopping and dinner with a close friend, and she's pissed. But I'm so fatigued and bloated I just don't want to leave the house again. And Yahoo Mail is giving me a fucking aneurysm.

----------


## Keddy

I'm tired and I can't sleep  :O_O:

----------


## Skippy

I'm a sickly, pretty bird trapped in the cage he made for me. I just wanna be free. :Rain:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Deep breaths. It's just a mood swing. You don't actually want to rip anyone's head off. Why do I get like this?

----------


## Keddy

I have to work today at 5:30. It's Super Bowl Sunday. Not that I care but all the guys at the office are going to step out frequently to check the score.
I hate sports. Unless gaming counts as a sport.
And these Photoshop/Illustrator tutorials are driving me mad.

----------


## SmileyFace

I just graduated from college with a BA, and my parents were asking if I could just go back to school and extend my graduation date. That makes no fuckin sense. I already graduated. How do you extend something you already completed...

----------


## Keddy

*Don't panic, I'm furious right now, so, before you read, this does not pertain to anyone on this forum, only some of my coworkers. I really like all of you here so no worries  ::):  This is a personal matter that just needs to be vented.

Lovely people at work, you assholes need to stop pretending I'm not sitting there in the board meeting with you, and referring to me as "HIM" and "THAT GUY" because HELLO, my name is KEDDY and you need to address me as such! This does NOT include specifically addressing the two people sitting on either side of me and deliberately leaving me out of the conversation, CHRISTINE. 
All of you, no more crap-talking, either. And I don't just mean about me. I mean about all your coworkers. This industry is not the place for drama!
FYI, I supervise some of you, so you WILL be hearing from me. And you WILL be written up tomorrow. Tonight's meeting was unproductive and HIGHLY unprofessional. And yes, I WILL be running meetings, along with Chris and Simon, from now on. Just because Cassie switched departments does not give you guys the excuse to screw around. We ARE your managers. So pay attention to us instead of your Instagram feed or you WILL be written up.
No more bashing your managers, and no more rumors, and no more lies, and for the lovely young lady named ALLISON who called me a fat [BEEP] the other day, I'm not deaf thanks, and I'll have you know that I'm trying EXTREMELY hard to lose weight and I'm down 5 pounds from last week. So there.
THANK YOU!!! And f*** all of you!
And, as I said, many of you WILL BE WRITTEN UP. Just you wait!

I know none of my coworkers will ever see this but I had to get it off my chest because... because Grrr. x( I hate this. I might start job hunting AGAIN.
I NEVER get angry enough that I drop names or curse at people, but this is... enough is enough is enough.

----------


## Keddy

AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHH, I'm so done. I'm so done with this all.
My mom just told me she thinks I'm going overboard with the weight loss thing and accused me of intentionally "starving myself."
She was like, "Keddy, you look like you've lost 3 pounds in one day." And then went on and on and on about how if I wasn't overweight in the first place and I'd done something to stay in shape, I wouldn't be going crazy to lose it all now. As if it was really my fault that my former medications made me pack on a crapload of weight.
Someone shoot me please. This is not my day.  ::(:

----------


## James

God that game really sucked.  Not sure what was worse the Broncs defense or offense.  Got to spend time with my parents with no kids for once though, that was nice.

----------


## minted

My work hours are so unreasonable for a person with depress/anxiety I'm going to implode. I can't pretend to be ok anymore at work. And my psychologist is going on leave  ::(:

----------


## GunnyHighway

Basically have been starving myself since I ate chicken wings and pizza last night, along with a fuckload of booze. Gotta counteract getting stupid fat again somehow I guess...

----------


## SmileyFace

experiencing a bit of separation anxiety  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

Mom is so stupid when it comes to the real world. She just doesn't understand anything... like, at all.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I'm running around like a chicken without a head. The amount of busy I am is not something that is physically possible to deal with.

----------


## Imaloner

Life  ::(:

----------


## James

Missing her.  Wishing I had more pictures of her.  Hoping I dream about her tonight.

----------


## Keddy

> I'm running around like a chicken without a head. The amount of busy I am is not something that is physically possible to deal with.



I feel you on that one, Gunny. Work + College + Overtime this week + Managing a project at work by myself = My head is about to explode  :Tongue:

----------


## SmileyFace

Seemed like BF was ignoring me today  ::\:  He didn't really talk at all on Skype today.. responded to a question of mine with like..3 words. He just signed off right now without even saying bye...

I'm trying to tell myself nothing is wrong because he talked to me okay the other day when he had me help him edit things in Photoshop, but still...

----------


## GunnyHighway

No matter how much weight I lose, no matter how much I've started taking care of myself, I still exist to nobody. Hope for a friend, let alone a significant other, is useless it seems. It's really difficult to give a [BEEP] about yourself everybody else doesn't either. Over the last few weeks there's literally been more days than not that not even a single person I normally talk to replies to me. Trying to keep myself occupied is costing way too much money...

----------


## Keddy

> No matter how much weight I lose, no matter how much I've started taking care of myself, I still exist to nobody. Hope for a friend, let alone a significant other, is useless it seems. It's really difficult to give a [BEEP] about yourself everybody else doesn't either. Over the last few weeks there's literally been more days than not that not even a single person I normally talk to replies to me. Trying to keep myself occupied is costing way too much money...



I feel exactly the same way right now  ::(: 
 :Hug: 
PM me if you want to talk about it with someone who's going through the same thing  ::):  I don't bite much.

----------


## Chantellabella

> No matter how much weight I lose, no matter how much I've started taking care of myself, I still exist to nobody. Hope for a friend, let alone a significant other, is useless it seems. It's really difficult to give a [BEEP] about yourself everybody else doesn't either. Over the last few weeks there's literally been more days than not that not even a single person I normally talk to replies to me. Trying to keep myself occupied is costing way too much money...



Feeling invisible like that hurts doesn't it? I've been there and it really hurts. I'm sorry you're being treated that way.

----------


## Koalafan

I've been really hating myself lately. Been feeling really jittery and anxious too. Not sure why =/

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Where in the hell do people find motivation? Like, to do _anything._  I just want to go back to bed and hide from everything and everyone.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Among them- the fact that it's the coldest February in like seventy years or something here. My entire face is coming off in flakes from the cold. Also the fact that my instructor lives WAY WAY out in the suburbs (farmland area) and she's coming all the way to the college to do mine and another classmate's midterm appraisal. Methinks this is not going to be the quick 10-minute in-and-out meetings I am more used to.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> Where in the hell do people find motivation? Like, to do _anything._  I just want to go back to bed and hide from everything and everyone.



Yep, I'm having a hard time figuring that one out myself.

----------


## minted

I'm jealous of the relationship my brother has with his sister-in-law (his wife's sister). I feel like she's the kind of sister he would prefer to have. They have inside jokes and probably see each other a lot more. It makes me feel really sad because I look up to him but we aren't even close because of the age difference and probably differences in personality/my depression  ::(: 


I feel like I'm an only child when I have two older brothers.

----------


## James

I'm paying for my procrastination now, I've gotta go out, right at rush hour.  Fuck.  At least it's just one quick stop.  Need to do laundry, too but I'm gonna put that off until tomorrow lol.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Where in the hell do people find motivation? Like, to do _anything._  *I just want to go back to bed and hide from everything and everyone*.



I guess we all know that feeling..maybe when you start college you'll feel more motivated, since that course is something you really wanted to do. I'm crossing my fingers for you  :Hug:   :Kiss:

----------


## Kirsebaer

I've had a headache since this morning and it wont go away  ::\:

----------


## GunnyHighway

Back to feeling like I don't belong. Despite being surrounded here by people with the same issues, I'm the weird one it seems. 

I think it's about time to stay away for a bit... :yield:

----------


## SmileyFace

Dad constantly acting like I'm in the way. A lot of times, I know I'm in the way because he'd be so vocal about it. And yet.. when I'm not around helping around the house, he bitches and moans about it too.

My parents make me feel uncomfortable here. It's like I don't even live here. It's like I'm not considered a member of the household.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Back to feeling like I don't belong. Despite being surrounded here by people with the same issues, I'm the weird one it seems. 
> 
> I think it's about time to stay away for a bit...



Hey sweetie what's the matter? Sorry I just noticed your post above my own a bit further up... We still need to coordinate ourselves better so we can play our tie-breaker game  :Razz: 

Don't leave, a lot of us would miss you if you did.

----------


## Keddy

I'm having surgery tomorrow  ::(: 
This was totally unexpected and I could be out of work and school for up to 5 weeks and laid up for at least two weeks  ::(: 
I won't be feeling great for the next few days so if I disappear for a while this is why.
I'm so scared  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

> I'm having surgery tomorrow 
> This was totally unexpected and I could be out of work and school for up to 5 weeks and laid up for at least two weeks 
> I won't be feeling great for the next few days so if I disappear for a while this is why.
> I'm so scared



Hope all goes well!

----------


## minted

I don't know what to do when my friends ask me to go out in a big group. I just don't know how to tell them that a large group makes me feel left out and uncomfortable. I don't know how to tell them that I've grown apart from most of the people that will be there and will have nothing to say because they are really close. I feel really guilty saying no, but it's just I can't handle seeing so many people that haven't seen or heard from me in months. I can't handle all the looks I'll get and the awkward conversation that leads to no where.

Most of all I can't handle hearing everyone talk about all the amazing times they've had together coz I'll have nothing to contribute. Probably doesn't help that I'm resistant to drinking seeing as that seems to be the common link my friends have :/

----------


## Member11

Headache. ::(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I guess we all know that feeling..maybe when you start college you'll feel more motivated, since that course is something you really wanted to do. I'm crossing my fingers for you



Thanks, Kirse  ::):   :Hug: 
I'm hoping it will make me feel normal. Whatever normal is. 




> Back to feeling like I don't belong. Despite being surrounded here by people with the same issues, I'm the weird one it seems. 
> 
> I think it's about time to stay away for a bit...



I'm not sure why you're feeling this way, but I wish you would stay with us.  ::(:   :dont go: 




> Yep, I'm having a hard time figuring that one out myself.



You'll have to let me know if you find out. >.<

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My stomach has been hurting all morning. And unkind thoughts are in my head.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

It's Saturday and all I've done today is eat, sleep, and listen to the radio.

----------


## Koalafan

Intense anxiety and depression  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

> Intense anxiety and depression



 ::(:  *big hug*

----------


## Koalafan

> *big hug*



Thank you Grumpy!!  :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

Feeling short of breath and having heart palpitations after drinking a cup of macchiato.. Why do I keep doing this to myself? I love coffee but it's totally not worth it

----------


## Keddy

It's only a matter of time before I go stir-crazy and feel like getting out of the house.
Damn you, post-surgery recovery time!  :Crossed Arms:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I miss my personality. I feel like depression is making me dull and boring. In the process of trying to shut out all the negative emotions, I block the positive ones too, and then it's just...this. And it doesn't feel right. I don't feel like myself anymore.

----------


## SmileyFace

PMS.

----------


## James

Six people did a no call, no show at work.  So we had twice the normal workload, and it got busy.  Time went by really fast today though lol.  I'm tired, feet hurt.

----------


## Keddy

I really, really don't feel well. I've been sleeping all day. Just woke up and I'm nauseous and shaking, and I've been crying off and on. I think my anxiety is confused because of the anesthesia wearing off and I've been put on some funky antibiotics. I hope everything is alright  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

Angry about random things. Constantly worrying about what other people think. I feel like I hadn't been self-reliant at all either.

----------


## Otherside

It's my fucking time of the month and I feel like absolute shit. I've spent the last few hours hiding away in bed with oatmeal, fruit tea and a crappy film on my laptop. I get the feeling I should get on and do this essay though. I'm also gonna have to do an amazon shop for books relating to WW1 era Palestine. Why do some people feel the need to charge over a Â£1000 for them? That price is just insane.

----------


## Kirsebaer

My cat's favorite activity is to hunt and kill geckos  ::(:  poor little things.. I've managed to save a few of them before too much damage was done but I wonder how many of them she kills when she's out roaming for hours..

----------


## infamous

I dont know whats bothering me but I just have this huge urge to say something and this place is the only safe place i can think of. I don't talk about myself, ever, not about my day, my thoughts, or my feelings. I don't have anyone to talk to even if I wanted to and 99.9% of the time, I wouldn't want to anyways. I've always felt that it was strange that I choose to hold it all in, bottle it up instead of letting it out. I already have no friends or acquaintances and for some reason, I have no desire to make any, to have a support or a shoulder to cry on as an outlet.
I'm extremely indifferent with the thought of being dead and alive. This isn't a cry for help, my emotions are too weak to allow my issues to go past my coping abilities. I just have no motivation to continue, this is not reason to. I never had dreams and ambitions when I was a kid, feels like i never had a purpose when i was born. I can accept that i'm just living to live however that's not good enough to prevent myself from being in situations where I end up disappearing forever. I highly doubt my hand will be the main culprits that ends it, but i'm also not afraid of death. I don't know what's bothering me.

----------


## Koalafan

Meh bleh and eh  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

I hate how I sit in my room and do nothing all day. Thing is, I can't seem to develop the motivation to do things unless things in my life are going perfect, which isn't often..

----------


## life

had to put my cat (meowi) down, did i make the right decision, could i have done anything differently, was there any other treatment options, i miss you, our home is not home without you, i wish i had walked out of the vets and brought u home alive, you will never be forgotten, i am so sorry, please forgive me, my friend  ::(:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> had to put my cat (meowi) down, did i make the right decision, could i have done anything differently, was there any other treatment options, i miss you, our home is not home without you, i wish i had walked out of the vets and brought u home alive, you will never be forgotten, i am so sorry, please forgive me, my friend



That's heartbreaking  ::(:  i'm so sorry for your loss

----------


## life

kirsebaer and marine, thankyou for yr thoughts  ::):

----------


## Keddy

My dog is getting old and I'm really worried about him  ::(: 
He's my best friend...

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

The fact that I'll only be free from my family in death.

Death solves a lot of goddamn things. I wish it weren't so against human nature, and that I were braver.

----------


## SmileyFace

super anxious about what happened tuesday... and also anxious about tomorrow. Something tells me things will be okay, but... gah, this anxiety is eating me up a bit today. It's not as bad as yday though.. but any bit of anxiety to me is unbearable.

----------


## Member11

Sick :#

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Wish I had a more positive outlook. Not sure how to fix that, everything just seems so...shitty.

----------


## SmileyFace

Didn't sleep well. Had trouble falling asleep. I kept waking up middle of the night.

With that said, I woke up feeling really bitchy. I still feel angry. Angry with everyone. Angry with myself, especially. I feel like... I might as well not talk to people AT ALL ever again, because no matter what I do, I somehow always manage to piss people off.. even over the littlest things. I don't feel good enough for anyone or anything. Sometimes I feel it's just me who expects me to be perfect, but as time goes by... a lot of times it seems like everyone else wants me to be perfect as well.

----------


## L

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh people, you can't win with  most people, they expect you to agree with them and kiss their feet....fuck that, [BEEP] people.

----------


## Koalafan

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what an awful feeling day  ::(:

----------


## Keddy

Feeling very anxious right now  ::(:

----------


## L

Feeling physically and mentally sick, feeling like a freak and a failure as a person - I bet people are having a great laugh at how pathic I am, I dont feel good enough to have nice.people in my life and I just want to run away and be on my own.

----------


## L

> Feeling very anxious right now



For any reason? Sending hugs  ::):

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Everything has gone wrong.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Thinking about how much longer it'll be before I finally just give up completely.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I chock everything up to paranoia, but then I miss signs that things might actually be wrong. All because I can't trust my own judgement.

----------


## Kirsebaer

my head is about to explode

----------


## Keddy

I can't stay on this damn diet anymore because all I've been doing since I had my surgery is laying around the house and wanting food.
Thanks a lot, appendicitis. Thanks a lot, surgery.
I guess I'll have to settle for being fat.

----------


## Kirsebaer

I can't put my finger on it but I feel so weird tonight... I feel empty and lonely

----------


## toaster little

> I can't put my finger on it but I feel so weird tonight... I feel empty and lonely



Do you wanna come to the chat?  I'll be there.  ::):

----------


## SmileyFace

Some people annoying me quite a bit today...

----------


## Koalafan

> I can't put my finger on it but I feel so weird tonight... I feel empty and lonely



I know the feeling all to well  :Hug:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I just want to go through one day where I can be out in public, and don't literally feel like I'm going to pee myself.

----------


## Keddy

I have a very strong urge to harm myself but I'm just going to try and ignore it... I really should be asleep right now anyway but I've been staying up waiting for an email from a co-worker that I never got and I cannot STAND my life at the moment. I'm confused about myself, confused about where I stand with all my interpersonal relationships, confused about my sexuality, confused about who my friends are or could potentially be, confused about my sanity and well-being, confused about recovering from my surgery, confused about thinking I'm going completely bat-sh**t NUTS... [BEEP] IT ALL. My head is about to implode.
And why should people be demanding that I "work on an assignment" when I'm on medical leave? How insensitive is that?! How do they know I'm not confined to my bed?! And then to not respond to my emails about it?!
[BEEP] FUCK [BEEP] FUCK...
I think I'm actually going to lose my mind. I should go straight to the psych hospital tomorrow morning. I'm DONE.

----------


## merc

Keddy, your thoughts seem to be all over the place. I get this way from time to time. Racing thoughts can't sleep etc. For me it's just an anxiety attack, time to practice breathing. I'm not sure what will work for you. 
You have dealt with a whole lot of major issues of late, quit a job, move home, back to school, unplanned surgery, finding friends (this has gotten harder for me as I've gotten older) The stress meter for you is on overdrive...In your case I think everything is going be ok

I let you know what I did I got my car stuck in the snow, I'm good and stuck in the driveway. I never made it into work. So her I sit. I hate this winter.

----------


## merc

Ok. I'm now unstuck from the snow bank. yeah! I've got a few errands to run before the next snowstorm tomorrow. I'm sick of shoveling.

----------


## SmileyFace

I seem to always manage to upset/annoy my BF somehow... or so it seems that way this time as of last night.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

My new doctor is giving me less benzos. From what I understood, she doesn't want me to be on them at all. I'm not sure if I'm more angry or more depressed about the whole thing. I guess that depends on the outcome of my future doctor visits. My hopes aren't very high though. They're the only thing that gets me through social situations. If they're taken away, I'm basically fucked. She thinks I should be on something else entirely. Kinda want to slam her head against a wall repeatedly. I've been on thin ice lately with my anxiety, depression, and anger. This made things so much worse.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Just really sad, depressed.

----------


## Koalafan

I have no idea why Im feeling so shitty and depressed tonight

----------


## WintersTale

I'm so depressed over how that other forum has treated me recently. I suppose I shouldn't have gone back on it. People there are just so not nice.

----------


## L

> I have a very strong urge to harm myself but I'm just going to try and ignore it... I really should be asleep right now anyway but I've been staying up waiting for an email from a co-worker that I never got and I cannot STAND my life at the moment. I'm confused about myself, confused about where I stand with all my interpersonal relationships, confused about my sexuality, confused about who my friends are or could potentially be, confused about my sanity and well-being, confused about recovering from my surgery, confused about thinking I'm going completely bat-sh**t NUTS... [BEEP] IT ALL. My head is about to implode.
> And why should people be demanding that I "work on an assignment" when I'm on medical leave? How insensitive is that?! How do they know I'm not confined to my bed?! And then to not respond to my emails about it?!
> [BEEP] FUCK [BEEP] FUCK...
> I think I'm actually going to lose my mind. I should go straight to the psych hospital tomorrow morning. I'm DONE.



*** Hugs ***
Pm me if you want

----------


## L

I feel invisible  (not here, I dont care what happens here)) in real life, my family, boyfriend and friends all seem to have more important stuff happening  ::(:

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

I am in the process of troubleshooting a hardware failure so I can figure out which computer part I need to spend the tiny amount of money my perpetually unemployed [BEEP] has on replacing. I'm feeling rather annoyed by it.

----------


## SmileyFace

I hate how I'm so attached to my bf  ::\:  I always feel "rejected" when he is busy with schoolwork or spending time with his family...

----------


## Air Caterpillar

not a good day at all  ::(:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I feel like I'm walking along an edge.

----------


## Chloe

I've got 13 assignments (both resubs and actual assignments) to do and that's not including the fact that I don't have a placement organised which I have to do to pass my course


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I wish I could stop having so much bother me, but everything is bothering me. Everything.

My poor mother. Both my present and future.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

I hate vague, intermittent computer problems. Makes it a pain in track them to the source. Wanted to test something this morning, but the system didn't exhibit any issues when I powered it on like it had the previous two days. :/

----------


## Chantellabella

I'm sick. Ugh.  ::(:  

That makes me tired, not able to think straight. Mad. 

And yes, anxious.

----------


## L

I keep needing to pee

----------


## Keddy

I'm feeling anxious and self-conscious. I really feel ugly and fat.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I'm feeling anxious and self-conscious. I really feel ugly and fat.



I've seen your photos and you are neither of those things, trust me.  :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

> I've seen your photos and you are neither of those things, trust me.



Aww, thank you  ::):  I'm just being hard on myself, I suppose.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Aww, thank you  I'm just being hard on myself, I suppose.



We're our own worst critics, after all.

----------


## Keddy

> I feel invisible  (not here, I dont care what happens here)) in real life, my family, boyfriend and friends all seem to have more important stuff happening



I'm sorry you feel that way  ::(: 
PM me if you need anything  :Hug:

----------


## Skippy

AAAHHHHH!! I'm really upset because It's going to take a few months of work and spending huge amounts of $$$ till I can get settled...
I want my new guitar soooo badly and almost thinking of just going for it even if it leaves me totally broke...I dun wanna go to any events without it, cuz now that I know what an L-5 type feels like to play, I won't settle for anything else.

----------


## Keddy

These antibiotics make me feel gross :/

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Aaaargh, my navel barbel is very much stuck, but it has to come out because my body has been rejecting it for at least a week now. Maybe I can get someone at a piercing shop to have a go at it tomorrow. It's gotta come out somehow!

----------


## Koalafan

Threw out my back at work yesterday...damn my 80 year old back!!!!  :damn kids:

----------


## Chantellabella

I'm bothered about still feeling hurt.  ::(: 

Why can't I let my old job go?


they don't deserve the time I waste being hurt.

I just want to let it go. 


I thought I grieved already.


I guess I still have some hurt left.  ::(:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I can't spend time with my dad anymore because everytime I do, he tells me "I'm depending only on you"... reminders that I'm his retirement plan. The guilt just grows and grows because I'm failing. "If you fail out of this program, we're fucked."- my dad. He doesn't know that's exactly what's happening.

And mom as well for their impending divorce. She can't afford to be on her own.

I wish I were dead. Fucking Americans, you have no idea how jealous I am of you for your liberal gun laws. Suicide would be so easy and painless.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

i'm so tired i can barely walk. damn monday

----------


## peace

Depressed again I just wish my life was over or better still had never happened.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I wish I were dead. Hope and despair have become the same thing.

----------


## L

Im on a college class trip.....I want to go home, I want to go home, I WANT  TO GO HOME NOW. I will not have to see any of these two faced, bitchy group of children again until graduation and then hopefully never again. Tomorrow should be interesting....sigh...this is bullying

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Disgusted with my body. Why did I eat so much? Guess I'll be making up for that tomorrow.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Nice of my landlord to give me two whole days notice that the lease needs to be renewed by Friday or they'll send a 30-day notice to vacate. I don't recall being notified before now.And the person has the audacity to end the call with "have a nice day." Sure, I'll have a great day despite you saying I need to suddenly drop everything and go to your office on absurdly short notice or else I get evicted. [BEEP] you very much, you shitbirds.

----------


## Kirsebaer

My body looks like shit... It's just so hard to lose weight when i'm on lexapro  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

Feeling a bit sick to my stomach and I do not know why  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

Feel so ignored and disliked today..

----------


## L

Staring my diet this morning and I am finding some fruits are too sweet in the morning

----------


## Chantellabella

> Feel so ignored and disliked today..



I'm sorry, my friend.  ::(:  

 :Hug: 

We like you here.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Staring my diet this morning and I am finding some fruits are too sweet in the morning



And definitely don't eat an orange right after brushing your teeth. Quite the shocking experience.  ::):

----------


## Chantellabella

> Depressed again I just wish my life was over or better still had never happened.



Please don't think that way. You have a beautiful heart and I just know it's going to get better.

Hang in there, my friend.  :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

> I wish I were dead. Hope and despair have become the same thing.



Please don't think that way. It's got to get better. Just hang on, ok? 

You can always pm me if you want.  :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

> Im on a college class trip.....I want to go home, I want to go home, I WANT  TO GO HOME NOW. I will not have to see any of these two faced, bitchy group of children again until graduation and then hopefully never again. Tomorrow should be interesting....sigh...this is bullying



Hopefully it worked out ok. If you're still on the trip, I can help you kick some bully butt. I loovvveeee, making bitches cry.  ::):

----------


## Chantellabella

> My body looks like shit... It's just so hard to lose weight when i'm on lexapro



Don't be so hard on yourself, my friend. I know it's frustrating, but it's only temporary. I knew the years I took medication were important. They helped me function. And I probably would've been eating donuts because I was depressed or manic. So use the medicine to get stablilized. But I hear you........it's frustrating.

----------


## L

> Hopefully it worked out ok. If you're still on the trip, I can help you kick some bully butt. I loovvveeee, making bitches cry.



That night I wanted to cry, being forced to be with people who look down on you is hard and even worse when someone you respect gets along with them. Now I am away from them never to have to spend that amount of time with them again!

----------


## Chantellabella

> That night I wanted to cry, being forced to be with people who look down on you is hard and even worse when someone you respect gets along with them. Now I am away from them never to have to spend that amount of time with them again!



That sucked that they looked down on you. When I encounter people like that, I force myself to feel sorry for them. I know that sounds crazy, but my thoughts are this:

1) They have to be in a crowd because they are too afraid to deal with life alone
2) They need others for reassurance
3) They have a judgmental personality that keeps them away from people who are in depth and wonderful
4) Karma is a [BEEP] and so they will end up on the "being bullied" side one day

When I think that way, I pity them because they are setting themselves up for a miserable life. 

But yeah, it still hurts to be on the receiving end of a bully/mob encounter. 

 :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

> I'm sorry, my friend.  
> 
> 
> 
> We like you here.



Thank you, dear.

I was hoping I'd wake up in a better mood, but I haven't. I did when I woke up randomly at 4am though to use the restroom, and when I got back into bed, I felt truly happy again. But I went back to sleep since I wasn't wide awake yet, and I woke up in a foul mood. Laid in bed for over an hour... forced myself to get out. Not even 2 minutes into my day and my mom was already snapping at me for something I didn't even do. Now she is talking crap about me with my dad.

*deep sigh*

----------


## Chantellabella

> Thank you, dear.
> 
> I was hoping I'd wake up in a better mood, but I haven't. I did when I woke up randomly at 4am though to use the restroom, and when I got back into bed, I felt truly happy again. But I went back to sleep since I wasn't wide awake yet, and I woke up in a foul mood. Laid in bed for over an hour... forced myself to get out. Not even 2 minutes into my day and my mom was already snapping at me for something I didn't even do. Now she is talking crap about me with my dad.
> 
> *deep sigh*



Parents can be so juvenile. Especially when they put you in the middle of "their" fight. Know that your mom is the one with the problem if she's putting you in the middle, so don't take on her bad day. 

Maybe go do something really good for yourself and fun. It's amazing what a little "me" time can do for you. Let your mom cause herself to have a bad day and you try to have a better one in spite of her wanting to share or burden you with her problems.

 :Hug:

----------


## L

I really want chocolate ice cream

----------


## SmileyFace

> Parents can be so juvenile. Especially when they put you in the middle of "their" fight. Know that your mom is the one with the problem if she's putting you in the middle, so don't take on her bad day. 
> 
> Maybe go do something really good for yourself and fun. It's amazing what a little "me" time can do for you. Let your mom cause herself to have a bad day and you try to have a better one in spite of her wanting to share or burden you with her problems.



Thanks. Agreed... she does this so much, but it's to the point where she really resents me for like, everything. That's just how she is I guess. I'm used to it overall, really... but on days where I am already in a foul mood, it just makes me feel so ugh.

I did end up going to the gym hours later to take out my anger and all that. Was there for about 2 hrs. I feel a lot better now, fortunately. Just gotta try to keep up with the more rational thinking right now rather than drowning myself in a pool of pity like I have been for the past 1-2 days.





> I really want chocolate ice cream



Omnomnom.

----------


## peace

> Please don't think that way. You have a beautiful heart and I just know it's going to get better.
> 
> Hang in there, my friend.



  :Hug:  Thanks Chanty

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Okay operation Look Good In A Bridesmaid Dress isn't going so well, but when your brother has three different cakes for his birthday...

I am not strong enough!

----------


## Chantellabella

> Thanks. Agreed... she does this so much, but it's to the point where she really resents me for like, everything. That's just how she is I guess. I'm used to it overall, really... but on days where I am already in a foul mood, it just makes me feel so ugh.
> 
> I did end up going to the gym hours later to take out my anger and all that. Was there for about 2 hrs. I feel a lot better now, fortunately. Just gotta try to keep up with the more rational thinking right now rather than drowning myself in a pool of pity like I have been for the past 1-2 days.
> 
> 
> 
> Omnomnom.



For the record, I didn't see that as pitying yourself. You have a right to voice your frustration.  :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

Feeling bitchy again. I don't know what's going on. Just the presence of my parents, especially my mom, is ticking me off right now. At least they're in a good mood at the moment, but it's just not enough for me. I was so irritated by my mom's presence in the kitchen when I was doing the dishes *sigh* I just wanted her to go away.

I want to go away. I don't know where, but I just don't want to be home right now  ::(:  But I can't leave to go anywhere because my parents will be all "What the fuck." I can't wait for tomorrow so I can just leave to the gym and maybe be out for a while... I need some solitude.

----------


## Keddy

Feeling ill and just wanting everything to get over with already. My grandparents want to see me this weekend and by then I'll already be in the hospital  ::(: 
I just hope the surgery is done by then and I'm feeling well enough to interact with my family.

----------


## SmileyFace

Now realizing that I have been experiencing extreme mood swings throughout today. This is.. a no-no. I'd be extremely pissed off, like earlier^ then in between, I'm all happy, sunshine and rainbows. Then I'm quickly pissed off minutes later.

This is ridiculous.

----------


## Lizard

Four-year crush.  Too old for this.   ::(:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Looked at a picture of myself and realized how much I resemble my dad. 

Damn it, I really got fucked over in terms of genes. (I don't think Dad's ugly, but for a girl, [BEEP] my life).

----------


## L

Agreed to go swimming with a friend - now we are going running, gym and swimming - I am going to die....

----------


## Kirsebaer

We currently have 17 guests in our house. Yes, 17. It's impossible to get even five minutes alone. I have to lock myself in one of the bathrooms whenever I want to talk to my girlfriend on the phone.  :hit wall:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> We currently have 17 guests in our house. Yes, 17. It's impossible to get even five minutes alone. I have to lock myself in one of the bathrooms whenever I want to talk to my girlfriend on the phone.



...Now this is worthy of a complaint if there ever was one. I can feel my blood pressure go up if even just one or two guests are in the house.
-

Right now- the feeling that I'm not being treated right by someone who can decide my entire future/fate. But my medication is working so I'm not actually depressed, it just bothers me.

----------


## SmileyFace

My mom needs to shut up about my job searches. She is asking every single day if I did so, and she is telling me every single day how I should fill out my applications (i.e., be sure to list all of your employment history). Well... no shit. I know what I'm doing. Relax. And the more she talks about it, the more it stresses me out. This is something I'd rather deal with on my own here.. *sigh*

----------


## L

need sleep, cant sleep

----------


## WintersTale

I can't find my wallet, which is a problem. I need my driver's license to transfer money into a new account.

----------


## L

Sigh...still awake

----------


## SmileyFace

Things were going ok in this house for the past couple months. And now, my mom's starting to be back to her old ways. Woke me up this morning by calling me. I was like "I was sleeping." And she said "Why are you even still asleep? It's the afternoon! Wake up!" Um.. this was shortly before 9am. How is that the afternoon? Somebody needs to go back to elementary school and learn their hours.

And just because you're a mom doesn't mean it gives you permission to be a fuckin controlling freak.

----------


## L

Beyond tired

----------


## Kirsebaer

I wish I didn't have to wake up so early tomorrow!! faaaak dis sh111t!

----------


## toaster little

I wish I didn't always have a crush on someone I'm never going to meet  ::(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

My own stupidity. It's a wonder it doesn't bother me more often.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

It's so hard to find someone you "click" with enough to have solid, consistent conversation with even within the context of being friends, let alone anything more than that. It's rather discouraging.

----------


## L

This assignment is difficult and making me feel sick

----------


## SmileyFace

So hard not to take jokes seriously...

----------


## Kirsebaer

My mom's side of the family are such freeloaders. They come spend their vacation at my parents' house (they invite themselves), sometimes they even bring along people we don't know, they stay here for several days and don't pay for food and don't clean after themselves.. they treat our house as if it was a hotel and they think my parents are rich so it doesn't matter if they spend a shitload of money to feed over a dozen people who eat like pigs. f*cking freeloaders from hell!

----------


## WintersTale

I slept all day out of depression, and now I'm going to be wide awake again tonight. Sigh.

----------


## toaster little

I think I end up having a crush on a lot of girls I see online.  IRL I feel like I'm way too picky so I rarely meet someone I want to date.

But online, I see plenty of girls I'd want to date.  Is there some psychological thing going on that I don't understand?

----------


## SmileyFace

I have been ridiculously oversensitive the past 2-3 days. I don't know wtf is going on. I'd get that something someone said it's a freakin' joke, but I start going deep about it and feel there must be some legit reason for them to make such a condescending joke. Plus, I know I wouldn't make such weird jokes with people either, especially if they have gone through a lot, so I know that plays a role as well.

Either way, I'm so tired of being so damn serious all the time. No matter what, I'm always looking for some serious aspect to something... it's so draining. I can't believe I cried this morning after thinking about things. I was hoping all would be fine and dandy today, but... so far, it's full of anxiety and low self-esteem.

----------


## L

this is shitty ice cream

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Kesker is talking strangely and he's not replying to my emails. Worried.

----------


## WintersTale

I'm wondering if I should limit my computer time? I'm starting to get shoulder and arm pains, and I can't attribute it to anything except that.

I'm also a bit worried over Monday. I'll be performing one of my songs for a class, and I'm very, very nervous. I'm trying not to overprepare, because I think 'some' anxiety will lead to some good vibes...and I've often felt that the best takes have been when I've been under-rehearsed...but I still am afraid of the class laughing at me.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I have not heard from kesker yet today and he still sounded strange in last night's emails.

My labile mood is also kind of messing with me, but at least it's better than being completely in the pits.

----------


## Kirsebaer

too many people in this house!!! It"s driving me nuts!!! :hit wall:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

It's like being in a vortex of pain and misery. A friend is helplessly in the pits of depression. A girl who has been wronged so badly by the world wants to jump off the Golden Gate bridge. Every damn member of my immediate family has thought of suicide.
-

I'm so lonely right now. I just wish she'd reply.

----------


## Koalafan

Javascript you need such a boppa!  :bopa:  ::@:

----------


## Kirsebaer

that's it, I can't take any more socializing today. There are about 35 relatives in my house today and everyone talks at the same time. I'm exhausted..I'm gonna stay in bed with my computer and relax now and I don't care if I come off as antisocial

----------


## SmileyFace

anxiety

----------


## SmileyFace

Mom is more and more controlling as days go by. This is only motivating me to work hard at trying to land a job somewhere to start up my career already. I'm getting so tired of her. I was awake and on the computer working on my portfolio at 10:30ish last night, and she was getting all irritated, asking why I couldn't do this earlier in the day... said it's getting too late and I need to sleep. It's like... ok, I can do whatever I want when I want, man. I'm not hurting anyone in the process either, so you have no reason to be concerned and upset with me.

I'm going to the gym later today and she's not happy that I haven't left yet. It's about to be 10am. She said people only go to the gym in the morning, so what am I waiting for? Um... people go to the gym at all sorts of times of the day. Get over it. I can go when I want.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Mom is more and more controlling as days go by. This is only motivating me to work hard at trying to land a job somewhere to start up my career already. I'm getting so tired of her. I was awake and on the computer working on my portfolio at 10:30ish last night, and she was getting all irritated, asking why I couldn't do this earlier in the day... said it's getting too late and I need to sleep. It's like... ok, I can do whatever I want when I want, man. I'm not hurting anyone in the process either, so you have no reason to be concerned and upset with me.
> 
> I'm going to the gym later today and she's not happy that I haven't left yet. It's about to be 10am. She said people only go to the gym in the morning, so what am I waiting for? Um... people go to the gym at all sorts of times of the day. Get over it. I can go when I want.



I feel ya. Your mom sounds just like my gf's mom. I hope you'll be able to get your own place soon  :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

> I feel ya. Your mom sounds just like my gf's mom. I hope you'll be able to get your own place soon



Thank you, dear. I sure hope so as well. She is always talking about helping me find a place and paying for it though, but I know she wants to do that just so I'd have to pay her back by getting her a home one day for retirement. Not fair. It's always about her. There's no such thing as unconditional love when it comes to her. I'd rather deal with everything on my own without her "help."

She's been trying to get people to hook me up with jobs as well, which I don't want. She's doing everything she can to get me to work at this one newspaper here in Orange County. She acts like it's the only publication in the world that I can apply to. I don't even want to work there because they lay off its employees every now and then. And... it's not that great of a publication anymore either compared to how it was back then.

I want to make my own decisions, and as I do.. it's pissing her off more and more because I'm not living up to any of the expectations and plans she had in place for me. She needs to get over it and live her own life... because this is getting ridiculous.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Thank you, dear. I sure hope so as well. She is always talking about helping me find a place and paying for it though, but I know she wants to do that just so I'd have to pay her back by getting her a home one day for retirement. Not fair. It's always about her. There's no such thing as unconditional love when it comes to her. I'd rather deal with everything on my own without her "help."
> 
> She's been trying to get people to hook me up with jobs as well, which I don't want. She's doing everything she can to get me to work at this one newspaper here in Orange County. She acts like it's the only publication in the world that I can apply to. I don't even want to work there because they lay off its employees every now and then. And... it's not that great of a publication anymore either compared to how it was back then.
> 
> I want to make my own decisions, and as I do.. it's pissing her off more and more because I'm not living up to any of the expectations and plans she had in place for me. She needs to get over it and live her own life... because this is getting ridiculous.



Sounds like this:

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/e...cle/000942.htm

----------


## SmileyFace

I know she's got to have something like this as well... http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-c...n/con-20025568

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

^ That sounds about right, from the posts of yours I've read.

----------


## SmileyFace

Hate how I'm all worried about nothing. I'm creating problems that weren't even there. I'm trying to fix stuff that's not even broken. I'm wearing myself out for no reason.

It also sucks that when I am not talking to my BF, I feel extremely anxious.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I'm too easily stimulated. My heart feels like figuratively bursting.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Omg it's extremelly hot and humid here in Natal this morning!! I'm gonna go nuts!

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I'm too easily stimulated. My heart feels like figuratively bursting.



I've got the opposite problem.

----------


## Sagan

My mother's health. She's not doing too well  ::(:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> My mother's health. She's not doing too well



 ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

I don't feel like making small talk this morning and people insist on starting convos with me about random stuff I'm not interested in... I just wish I was still in bed... I'm sooo tired

----------


## L

I want to go for a drive but I need to get out of bed first and do my eyebrows

----------


## Koalafan

> I don't feel like making small talk this morning and people insist on starting convos with me about random stuff I'm not interested in... I just wish I was still in bed... I'm sooo tired



Haha...welcome to almost everyday of my life it feels like  :Tongue:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Leg pain. Hopefully it just goes away like it did last time. Getting dressed this morning was rather inventive because I can't bend certain ways. Â¬_Â¬

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I'm hungover. I wasn't even tipsy last night. How did this happen? [BEEP] my life.

----------


## Kirsebaer

I can't find my Vicks Vaporub.. it disappeared 3 days ago.. guess I'll have to buy a new one since I can't live without that crap

----------


## Chantellabella

> My mother's health. She's not doing too well



I'm sorry to hear that, Josh.  ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Oh god. I feel like puking. I'm so unhealthy.. I'm going to wake up looking like a raisin tomorrow.

----------


## SmileyFace

> Oh god. I feel like puking. I'm so unhealthy.. I'm going to wake up looking like a raisin tomorrow.



Bad diet? Are you sick? What's going on?  ::(:

----------


## L

Crippling pain in my sides

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Okay, leg pain is now massive.  :O_O: 
By the time I finally managed to hoist myself out of bed I was in tears. I'm gonna have to go to the doctor for this.

----------


## L

> Okay, leg pain is now massive. 
> By the time I finally managed to hoist myself out of bed I was in tears. I'm gonna have to go to the doctor for this.



What happened  ::(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> What happened



I wish I knew. It came outta nowhere. A couple of mornings ago it was mildly sore and I still did some exercises but nothing I wasn't used to and I certainly didn't over-exert myself. I've had pain in the same area several times before, but nothing this bad. It always just went away. I can walk on it if I take tiny, careful steps but otherwise most movements result in a sharp burning pain that brings me to my knees. Sitting down is pretty much out of the question as well (it's my upper thigh). 

What's the matter with your sides?  :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Okay, leg pain is now massive. 
> By the time I finally managed to hoist myself out of bed I was in tears. I'm gonna have to go to the doctor for this.



Awwww  ::(:   :Hug:  don't wait any longer, go to the doc.. I hope the pain will go away quickly

----------


## Kirsebaer

My gf was was all dressed up and about to leave for work ( she has an airport job) and the following dialogue happened:
(Her grandma): wow you look beautiful, you're gonna end up meeting a nice, handsome pilot..
(My gf): errrmm.. No I'm not
(Grandma): why not??
(My gf): are you kidding me? I already have Dani!
(Grandma): but you can still keep her as a friend..
(My gf): well no! I love her and I'm not into men!
(Grandma): ah...
(My gf's mother in a condescending tone): yeah, she managed to convince herself that she doesnt like men...

WTF is wrong with people??
The things we have to put up with when we're gay...  ::(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Awwww   don't wait any longer, go to the doc.. I hope the pain will go away quickly



Shanks  :Hug: I can't go till tonight, but it's okay because it feels quite a bit better after some ibuprofen and keeping my legs moving seems to help. Right now it feels like it did most of yesterday (sore, but not debilitating). Guess I just can't sleep on it because it seizes up or something. I'll probably be prescribed an anti-inflammatory med. I haven't sat down in five hours. I should attempt that shortly.  :: 




> WTF is wrong with people??
> The things we have to put up with when we're gay...



Awww  ::(: 
I couldn't imagine saying anything like that to my grandparents. They've openly expressed their disapproval of gay marriage. Love is love. Wish people would stop with the hate.

----------


## L

> I wish I knew. It came outta nowhere. A couple of mornings ago it was mildly sore and I still did some exercises but nothing I wasn't used to and I certainly didn't over-exert myself. I've had pain in the same area several times before, but nothing this bad. It always just went away. I can walk on it if I take tiny, careful steps but otherwise most movements result in a sharp burning pain that brings me to my knees. Sitting down is pretty much out of the question as well (it's my upper thigh). 
> 
> What's the matter with your sides?



Oh dear, are you going to get it looked at, doesn't sound nice.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Oh dear, are you going to get it looked at, doesn't sound nice.



They're sending me for x-rays. Hopefully that will shed some light on the issue, because I really have no clue what it is or why it's happening.

----------


## Koalafan

> My gf was was all dressed up and about to leave for work ( she has an airport job) and the following dialogue happened:
> (Her grandma): wow you look beautiful, you're gonna end up meeting a nice, handsome pilot..
> (My gf): errrmm.. No I'm not
> (Grandma): why not??
> (My gf): are you kidding me? I already have Dani!
> (Grandma): but you can still keep her as a friend..
> (My gf): well no! I love her and I'm not into men!
> (Grandma): ah...
> (My gf's mother in a condescending tone): yeah, she managed to convince herself that she doesnt like men...
> ...



Ugh...so sorry you have to put up with people like that...that's got to be unbelievably frustrating  ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Koalafan

> They're sending me for x-rays. Hopefully that will shed some light on the issue, because I really have no clue what it is or why it's happening.



hope that leg of yours stops causing you problem over there!  :bopa:

----------


## enfield

im happier than i've been in awhile (not just relieved that im not feeling bad, but actually happy for its own sake, or for no apparent reason at) and yet im bothered by how infrequent to feel this way is for me. but it's lasted for hours this afternoon.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Bad diet? Are you sick? What's going on?



Sorry just had too much to drink last night, along with loading up on sugar and fatty stuff. I took some Gravol and felt better >.>

----------


## L

Why do my friends not keep in touch. I feel really lonely.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

This is a ridiculously redundant thing to be bothered by.

But my social retardedness. Why am I so much more behind than everyone around me? I always feel like I'm the alien in the room.

----------


## Chantellabella

Talking about past trauma sucks.  ::(:  

I hate therapy

There's a reason I split. I didn't want to deal with it.

I still don't want to deal with it.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I feel like I'm forgetting something important, but I can't figure out what.

Two writing assignments.
Re-register for another season at work.
Pay credit card bill.
Figure out Dad's dental billings, etc.
Obtain and organize all my various tax forms to send to the accountant. 
Apply for new passport.

What the hell else?

----------


## minted

I feel really bad about myself because I'm not doing my assignments... I have so much piling on and my way of dealing with it is not to...

----------


## Kirsebaer

Having to run errands on a saturday morning  ::(:  I can't wait to get back in bed

----------


## GunnyHighway

Bets on how many days it'll take for my roommate to clean up the mess  that he and his girlfriend made in the kitchen? I'm gonna guess 4, but  that's because it's how long it took for me to break down and wipe up  the gigantic pile of bacon grease from last weekend.

----------


## Koalafan

I would like to hide in my room and never come out  :hide:

----------


## L

People bother me so much

----------


## ev0ker

Because I am a dick.

Once again I find myself coming back to a place where I thought I wouldn't go back to. There's a lot in my head that really doesn't matter but it's there and I just can't ignore it anymore. I don't really know what to write exactly. There's so much unnecessary thoughts, self-inflicted shit. I feel like I'm going to drown. My brain is telling me to write something. Anything. In hopes that the thoughts would go away and that I'll be at peace after. This isn't a good place for me to be in. Anywhere online is not a good place for me to be in but here I am anyway because I don't make sense. Sense has left me years ago. I don't remember the last time I had it, if I even had it... I may have glimpse of it from time to time but it hasn't really stayed with me.

I feel like I'm running away from reality. Ingratitude. Neurotic. Nonsensical questions. I feel guilty for not seeing the world clearly. Ungrateful. It has been pointed to me several times how lucky I am. That if asked, there are people I know who would trade places with me. I do know this fact, which is why I'm more displeased with myself. I mean, I do understand it. I _recognise_ that what they're saying is true. But I don't know why I still allow myself to feel like everything is [BEEP] even though it really isn't. I'm creating a mess. I can't seem to improve my way of thinking. What the [BEEP] happened to me? Some people have tried to give me advice but I never do follow them. What am I doing? Why do I not listen? What am I really doing to myself? The fucking drama is there because my head is making it. Because I am thinking about it. It's like, I _have_ to think this way because if I don't, then something's wrong. Why do I do this? There's absolutely no fucking need for it but I create drama in my head. Floods of shame and regret. Anger. Hate. Unable to forget. Unable to let go. What am I even holding on to? Why do I even _think_ about these things?! There has to be a way out. Why do I continue to gravitate to this shitty mental state? I speak as if I have no control of what I think. An addiction? I'm so used to thinking this way that it's so hard to get out of it? That anything good is now perceived bad because it's a change to the usual? Do I _want_ to be miserable? I'm so confused. I shouldn't even be having this... whatever this is. Any healthy individual wouldn't have to write stuff like this. I don't even know if I'll get better. I don't know how to address these problems correctly. Or maybe I do know. Perhaps I do recognise how to address it. But nothing happens because I keep purposely doing it wrong.

----------


## SmileyFace

Mom called me a [BEEP] and a stripper earlier.  ::\:

----------


## L

Almost had a break down at work today - there was an incident between two residents and I thought one was going to end up dead - I don't think the other staff understood how upset I was

----------


## Chloe

College work is drowning me, boyfriends been a dick over something I thought was resolved so for now I don't have my rock, 
the amount of times I've nearly panicked at work is becoming more and more apparent this is really worrying me because I don't want them to know. I need the money so I can't leave but it's customers yelling and raising their voices randomly which I can't mentally prepare myself for so it stresses me out more if/when it happens so I have to placate them as quickly as possible and run to the warehouse so that if I do panic no customers see me and I can lock myself in the toilet away from everyone else until I calm down or wake up.
My grandad is home alone (grandmas on holiday) so the diabetic heart attack and stroke prone overweight 60 year old  man is eating take aways and drinking every night and most likely not bothering to dress himself because it takes too much effort and yet both my parents got a call last night to go and help him up after he fell from getting up from the chair because he missed reaching the arm. Oh and going back to work I'm pretty sure that one of the girls who doesn't like me (a joke taken the wrong way already apologised but obviously not enough) is turning people at work against me as her bf (one of the bosses), his mate, and another two people weren't talking to me when I went into work for the meeting and was stood trying to join into the conversation. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

----------


## Koalafan

> Mom called me a [BEEP] and a stripper earlier.



What the effff??  ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

> What the effff??



I had been working out a lot and I'm seeing great results. I even feel healthier. But.. she pretty much shot my accomplishments down and asked why I'm looking "weird".. said I'm looking like a [BEEP] and stripper. She sees I slimmed down but I supposedly do not look the way she wants me to  ::\:  I don't have a thin frame. I more so have curves all over, but she just keeps telling me I need to get rid of the butt, hips and boobs *sigh* It's like... dude, you do realize it's partially genetics.

Most everyone around me have had good things to say about my weight loss progress. It's infuriating when your own mother is the only person who doesn't see anything good about the change.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I always feel worse after talking to people. I think my expectations are unrealistic.

----------


## Kirsebaer

I just ate a whole bag of Doritos and I regret it so much now  :shake:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> I had been working out a lot and I'm seeing great results. I even feel healthier. But.. she pretty much shot my accomplishments down and asked why I'm looking "weird".. said I'm looking like a [BEEP] and stripper. She sees I slimmed down but I supposedly do not look the way she wants me to  I don't have a thin frame. I more so have curves all over, but she just keeps telling me I need to get rid of the butt, hips and boobs *sigh* It's like... dude, you do realize it's partially genetics.
> 
> Most everyone around me have had good things to say about my weight loss progress. It's infuriating when your own mother is the only person who doesn't see anything good about the change.



I bet you look gorgeous. Don't listen to her and keep doing what you're doing, girl  ::): 

My mother called me a [BEEP] when I was 13, and even going on to say I might as well go [BEEP] a bunch of men if I'm going to dress so "slutty", or something else. I don't remember what it was about, just what she said... I'm sure she regrets it now  :Razz:

----------


## SmileyFace

> I bet you look gorgeous. Don't listen to her and keep doing what you're doing, girl 
> 
> My mother called me a [BEEP] when I was 13, and even going on to say I might as well go [BEEP] a bunch of men if I'm going to dress so "slutty", or something else. I don't remember what it was about, just what she said... I'm sure she regrets it now



That sucks your mother said that to you years ago. Such comments can really [BEEP] someone up. I've heard these sorts of comments from her for years now, and she thinks she's so awesome and badass for making such remarks. She reminds me of snotty girls from school back in the day who feel they're better than everyone else and just put people down all the time...

----------


## L

no sleep late night  ::(:  13h shift starting in 30 minutes - I need paracetamol!!!!

----------


## Member11

Fuuuuucccccckkkkkkkkk

----------


## SmileyFace

Woke up to see a health and fitness magazine on my desk this morning. Obviously came from my mom. I know she's trying to help, but she isn't doing a very good job shoving all this stuff down my throat and expecting me to lose 943085904353 pounds in a week. I'd rather deal with this on my own... thank you very much, especially when she thinks my improved body looks "disgusting" and "whorish."

I guess she'll be getting the cold shoulder from me again today. I don't care if that causes her to blow up. It's not my fault she's a fuckin prick.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Pretty sure I have a fractured, if not broken, toe. The cart I use to haul around heavy stuff decided to fall out of the trunk when I opened it and of course it landed right on my foot. Cart weighs a good 30 pounds...

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Pretty sure I have a fractured, if not broken, toe. The cart I use to haul around heavy stuff decided to fall out of the trunk when I opened it and of course it landed right on my foot. Cart weighs a good 30 pounds...



Ouch. >.<
You should get that checked out. Definitely more than a stubbed toe!


This whole day is bothering me. Too much happened today for me to calm down enough to get any decent rest. I must be out of my mind to think I can handle this course.

----------


## Keddy

I want fucking pizza

----------


## SmileyFace

Anxiety is coming back tonight after having disappeared for several hours.

----------


## Kirsebaer

I'm on the bus right now and it's way too hot!

----------


## GunnyHighway

After all of yesterday's good news, I have a pile of [BEEP] for today. Forgot to give security back my temp access card since my card is borked, that was a crappy phone call to have to make. Secondly, I forgot my work phone strapped to my belt instead of sitting on my boss' desk. Thirdly. my boss wants to hire me on 1 of 2 full time positions. Problem now is that his boss asked him today if I had my A+ certification, which I don't, and have been putting off for months now. It's a lot of money and I absolutely haaaaate written tests.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

My leg is bothering me more today for whatever reason. Since late this afternoon I've had a hard time walking on it. It's like the muscles there forgot how to work. It's the same burning pain from before but it also feels like my leg just wants to give out every time I take a step. I've got a doctor appointment Monday and I'm really hoping for some answers.

----------


## SmileyFace

anxiety that i was probably not helpful enough or seem caring enough in my email to the bf about his frustrations with school. it'd just be easier for me to see him to give him a huge hug, but that's not possible right at the moment. I spent forever trying to make the email perfect, even after saying everything i had wanted to say. but then i worried much of wht i said made it seem like i was trying too hard..when it's really just what i wanted to say.

gah anxiety.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Being told that basically, *who I am* is not good enough. It's upsetting because I'm never going to be able to change, no matter how hard I try. Ten years of therapy perhaps, maybe two or three additional meds?

There's basically no place in society for me, no place in life. I'm being told that left, right, and centre that my anxiety is just too much. It's not all that funny that my anxiety is ultimately what ends me... but it is kind of funny in a weird way. 

Life's come full circle... It begins with a memory of being the only kid never picked for anything, and ends with the world's rejection at the finish line.

Man it's been a weird [BEEP] life. I have a weird mind, but I like my mind... I don't care what you guys say. It's a good one to die with.

----------


## Keddy

> Being told that basically, *who I am* is not good enough. It's upsetting because I'm never going to be able to change, no matter how hard I try. Ten years of therapy perhaps, maybe two or three additional meds?
> 
> There's basically no place in society for me, no place in life. I'm being told that left, right, and centre that my anxiety is just too much. It's not all that funny that my anxiety is ultimately what ends me... but it is kind of funny in a weird way. 
> 
> Life's come full circle... It begins with a memory of being the only kid never picked for anything, and ends with the world's rejection at the finish line.
> 
> Man it's been a weird [BEEP] life. I have a weird mind, but I like my mind... I don't care what you guys say. It's a good one to die with.



Please don't do anything to hurt yourself, Inane... I know sometimes it really feels like it's not worth it, but we really do care about you here. PM me if you need any extra support. Just please be safe and take care of yourself.
 :Hug: 
/Keddy

----------


## Koalafan

> Being told that basically, *who I am* is not good enough. It's upsetting because I'm never going to be able to change, no matter how hard I try. Ten years of therapy perhaps, maybe two or three additional meds?
> 
> There's basically no place in society for me, no place in life. I'm being told that left, right, and centre that my anxiety is just too much. It's not all that funny that my anxiety is ultimately what ends me... but it is kind of funny in a weird way. 
> 
> Life's come full circle... It begins with a memory of being the only kid never picked for anything, and ends with the world's rejection at the finish line.
> 
> Man it's been a weird [BEEP] life. I have a weird mind, but I like my mind... I don't care what you guys say. It's a good one to die with.



*hugs tightly*  :Hug:   :Hug:   :Hug:   :Hug:   :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

> Being told that basically, *who I am* is not good enough. It's upsetting because I'm never going to be able to change, no matter how hard I try. Ten years of therapy perhaps, maybe two or three additional meds?
> 
> There's basically no place in society for me, no place in life. I'm being told that left, right, and centre that my anxiety is just too much. It's not all that funny that my anxiety is ultimately what ends me... but it is kind of funny in a weird way. 
> 
> Life's come full circle... It begins with a memory of being the only kid never picked for anything, and ends with the world's rejection at the finish line.
> 
> Man it's been a weird [BEEP] life. I have a weird mind, but I like my mind... I don't care what you guys say. It's a good one to die with.



Whoever is giving you the impression that you're not good enough, isn't worth the air they use to breath. Nobody has a right to determine anyone's personal worth. Our work can be judged, our talent, our Math skills, our penmanship and other things we do can be measured. But each one of us have worth. So my friend, please don't give that person any power over who you are and how you feel about yourself. All that matters is accepting your own self worth. Ignore judgmental peeps.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> Whoever is giving you the impression that you're not good enough, isn't worth the air they use to breath. Nobody has a right to determine anyone's personal worth. Our work can be judged, our talent, our Math skills, our penmanship and other things we do can be measured. But each one of us have worth. So my friend, please don't give that person any power over who you are and how you feel about yourself. All that matters is accepting your own self worth. Ignore judgmental peeps.



I'm sure everyone here agrees, but I'm also equally sure we all know that it's often a lot easier said than done.

I don't really have anything to say that hasn't already been said but I hope you feel better soon, Inane.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Please don't do anything to hurt yourself, Inane... I know sometimes it really feels like it's not worth it, but we really do care about you here. PM me if you need any extra support. Just please be safe and take care of yourself.
> 
> /Keddy



Thankyou Keddy  :Hug:  I care about you guys too.





> *hugs tightly*



*hugs back harder*  :Hug: 





> Whoever is giving you the impression that you're not good enough, isn't worth the air they use to breath. Nobody has a right to determine anyone's personal worth. Our work can be judged, our talent, our Math skills, our penmanship and other things we do can be measured. But each one of us have worth. So my friend, please don't give that person any power over who you are and how you feel about yourself. All that matters is accepting your own self worth. Ignore judgmental peeps.



Thanks Cindy. It's a bit more complicated than that. I'm not ashamed of the person I am, but it's also just not the kind of person that is compatible with society. I can't change my personality or who I am; there's nothing left to do.

I missed your post.. thankyou Banana *hugs*

----------


## SmileyFace

Irritated over as to where I could possibly meet new people and make new friends. I got a MeetUp.com account... but after reading reviews of the site and looking closely at some groups, it seems like the perfect pool for creeps and stalkers. So ... I deleted my account. Second time I've done that.

I guess I could make new friends at the gym or something by attending more classes there. I just never wake up early enough to attend the fun ones though *shrug* I've looked into volunteer work but I don't want to take up so much right now in case I land a job somewhere and have to ditch the volunteer efforts due to conflicting times.

I can't wait to start doing work at this museum I applied to. It's volunteer work, but it's something. Plus, nearby.. there is the downtown area of the city, and I'm planning on heading over there when I have time. Maybe I can meet people there, especially since there's plenty of small mom n pop businesses there.

*sigh*

----------


## GunnyHighway

I am a piece of shit. Yaaay.

----------


## SmileyFace

Feeling super anxious at the moment.. worrying about things going wrong in every possible aspect of my life, especially my relationship. *sigh* Thanks to some quote I saw on Tumblr about how even someone who comes into your life may seem like they're there forever, they may not be.. that it's not meant to be.

I hate seeing quotes like that, no matter what mood I am. From my experiences, things didn't work out because of lack of effort from one party or the other (personally, it was from my end). It just doesn't... end out of nowhere.

I'm trying to get out of this weird mood. It's so negative and uncomfortable... I hate it. I was feeling so positive about everything (positively realistic, that is)... and now I'm in this weird hole. I know a big part of it is due to my PMDD, but.. ugh.

I sure hope I feel a lot better by the time I get to sleep.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

I don't know why I bother having an account on a dating website, I'm too deathly afraid of rejection to bother trying to message anyone. Even if I did message someone and ended up getting into a situation where it seemed like it could go somewhere, I'm sure I'd hit a brick wall when they realize how useless I am when it comes to being a functional adult. Le sigh.

----------


## Keddy

> I don't know why I bother having an account on a dating website, I'm too deathly afraid of rejection to bother trying to message anyone. Even if I did message someone and ended up getting into a situation where it seemed like it could go somewhere, I'm sure I'd hit a brick wall when they realize how useless I am when it comes to being a functional adult. Le sigh.



Dating is tough, Banana. I feel your pain  ::(:  
Do you think you could start by trying to message someone and seeing where it goes, then making up your mind about whether it would work or not? I know it's absolutely easier said than done and I'd be afraid of rejection myself, but just trying to be helpful. Dating sites have always scared the [BEEP] out of me though.
Good luck!  ::):

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Nothing has changed. I'm just as anxious as I always was. If anything I've gotten worse.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Feels like it's gonna be another bad night with my leg. I woke up in pain last night but I just tried not to move much, took a lot of deep breaths, slept on my back, and it's been fairly invisible today. Right now it feels like it's about to flare up again, though. I keep saying leg (upper thigh) but I guess it's really part of my hip as well  ::\: . I don't want to go to bed because I have a hard time getting out when it flares up. Well, I could always try to sleep on the couch. My bed may as well be a hammock and it would be easier for me to try to roll off a flat surface.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Feels like it's gonna be another bad night with my leg. I woke up in pain last night but I just tried not to move much, took a lot of deep breaths, slept on my back, and it's been fairly invisible today. Right now it feels like it's about to flare up again, though. I keep saying leg (upper thigh) but I guess it's really part of my hip as well . I don't want to go to bed because I have a hard time getting out when it flares up. Well, I could always try to sleep on the couch. My bed may as well be a hammock and it would be easier for me to try to roll off a flat surface.



 ::(:   :Hug:  it's good that you're gonna see a doctor on Monday. I hope they'll fix whatever is wrong with your leg/hip. Can't you take a painkiller to ease the pain so that you can go to sleep?

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> it's good that you're gonna see a doctor on Monday. I hope they'll fix whatever is wrong with your leg/hip. Can't you take a painkiller to ease the pain so that you can go to sleep?



Thanks, Kirse - I certainly hope so too! I was going to take ibuprofen before bed. For whatever reason it's worse at night and I don't want to wake up and be unable to get out of bed. I'm sure I'll find some answers soon.  :Hug: 

What bothers me more than anything is not being able to get into any sort of exercise routine (since last fall).

----------


## Captain Lawrence Oates

I used my computer too much today and my eyes are knackered. One hurts badly. I need to listen to an audiobook.

----------


## L

runny nose, stuffy head, sore eyes and an assignment to get done

----------


## Keddy

> runny nose, stuffy head, sore eyes and an assignment to get done



Feel better  :Hug:

----------


## Otherside

Biology coursework, History coursework, will I get funding from SCL for a honors degree after this foundation degree, will I have enough money to pay off the installment come Friday cos the bank has decided to be a cock again and I can't get any out, so am I going to have to beg Dad for a loan, and Mum seems to be spiralling down in mood and pissed with everyone, and I sort of managed to loose it, walked out, throw a load of logs in the canal and debated jumping in after them.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

This is a new problem. I'm physically hungry but have no appetite to eat. I'm trying to get ramen down, but all I can stomach the past week have been liquids. I'm trying to make them calorie-dense liquids like Iced cappuccinos, juice, and alcohol... not the healthiest, but it seems to be the only things my body wants.

Edit: Ugh [BEEP] it, the ramen's going in the trash. I just don't want anything.

Edit: I'm hungry. But it's like my brain is telling my GI system to [BEEP] off.

----------


## SmileyFace

So tired of living with my parents. I can't make my own decisions without feeling guilty all the time.

----------


## Kirsebaer

came down with a stomach bug... I'm in bed feeling awful  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

My college diploma just came in the mail... and my parents were still not happy for me.

My dad asked, "That's all you got? It's just a piece of paper? Were you not that great a student or something?"

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> came down with a stomach bug... I'm in bed feeling awful



*sending you soup and tea and hugs* ^_^




> My college diploma just came in the mail... and my parents were still not happy for me.
> 
> My dad asked, "That's all you got? It's just a piece of paper? Were you not that great a student or something?"



Wow...just...wow. That's how your parents treat you for being successful? You need your own place ASAP.

----------


## SmileyFace

> Wow...just...wow. That's how your parents treat you for being successful? You need your own place ASAP.



Today's just not a good day. I just feel like an absolute failure in life right now. Everyone else looking in say I've done quite well in life, but my parents believe otherwise... and that's only bringing me down more and more. I know I shouldn't listen to them, but considering I still live with them, I have to constantly deal with their bullshit.

Even if I was a millionaire, I'd still be a loser to them.

I have trouble being a self-starter because I'm so used to thinking I won't be successful in anything anyway. It doesn't help that my mom would always doubt me in anything I choose to do and tries to get me to do things her way.

I just can't take it anymore. I'm dying to move out of this shithole. I wish I could be like my brother, who's ignored my parents' bitching just fine somehow and does his own thing and he's barely 18 now. I don't know how he does it.

----------


## Keddy

> came down with a stomach bug... I'm in bed feeling awful



 :Hug: 
I hope you get better soon!

----------


## Kirsebaer

> *sending you soup and tea and hugs* ^_^



aww thank you, Illusion!  :Kiss:  Soup would be nice although I don't have an appetite... I had a banana for dinner and now I'm having a cup of tea, which is making me gag but I'm forcing myself to drink it  ::s:  
How's your leg today, btw?  :Hug: 





> I hope you get better soon!



Thank you dear Keddy!  :Hug:

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> My college diploma just came in the mail... and my parents were still not happy for me.
> 
> My dad asked, "That's all you got? It's just a piece of paper? Were you not that great a student or something?"



Wow. What, were they expecting you to get a parade in your honor and immediately become the CEO of a large corporation? All anyone gets is a piece of paper, that's not the point of it. Such a disheartening display of apathy toward your accomplishment.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Today's just not a good day. I just feel like an absolute failure in life right now. Everyone else looking in say I've done quite well in life, but my parents believe otherwise... and that's only bringing me down more and more. I know I shouldn't listen to them, but considering I still live with them, I have to constantly deal with their bullshit.
> 
> Even if I was a millionaire, I'd still be a loser to them.
> 
> I have trouble being a self-starter because I'm so used to thinking I won't be successful in anything anyway. It doesn't help that my mom would always doubt me in anything I choose to do and tries to get me to do things her way.
> 
> I just can't take it anymore. I'm dying to move out of this shithole. I wish I could be like my brother, who's ignored my parents' bitching just fine somehow and does his own thing and he's barely 18 now. I don't know how he does it.



Well, it's good that you realize how wrong they are. It's nonsensical what they're saying, so it's nothing that you can argue with. I don't blame you for being affected by their words - they're your parents. It's just the opposite of what people want to hear from their parents so no matter how wrong you know they are, it's got to have some impact on you. Maybe your brother just internalizes it? 




> aww thank you, Illusion!  Soup would be nice although I don't have an appetite... I had a banana for dinner and now I'm having a cup of tea, which is making me gag but I'm forcing myself to drink it  
> How's your leg today, btw?



Soup's probably a bad idea actually. More suitable for colds I suppose. I usually eat crackers when my stomach is upset - just seems like the least likely thing to upset my stomach further. That and toast. Bagels, maybe. Foods that will keep you full longer. I hope you start to feel better soon!  :Hug: 

The leg is sore, but this is a good thing. Whatever it is I've got tends to fade away for long periods of time. This way when I see the doctor I won't have an invisible problem.

----------


## SmileyFace

> Wow. What, were they expecting you to get a parade in your honor and immediately become the CEO of a large corporation? All anyone gets is a piece of paper, that's not the point of it. Such a disheartening display of apathy toward your accomplishment.



Yes (that was a serious answer). My mom always makes up all this bullshit, claiming so-and-so graduated from college and immediately landed a CEO position at such and such a company a week later. She also claimed so-and-so made $80,000 as a writer right after college -- nobody makes that much in starting salary in an entry level position. Only way they would is if they held some sort of management position higher up, which would take time; not right after college.

It's all so false, so it's just as frustrating. All my life I've been made to feel like a failure, even when I was a straight A kid for a little while back in elementary school. Even that was not enough. Nothing I ever done was good enough, no matter how much people praised me in front of my parents. I remember one time... a teacher told my mom (with me present) that I do so well in her class or whatever, and my mom came home saying that was a load of bullshit and my dad agreed.





> Well, it's good that you realize how wrong they are. It's nonsensical what they're saying, so it's nothing that you can argue with. I don't blame you for being affected by their words - they're your parents. It's just the opposite of what people want to hear from their parents so no matter how wrong you know they are, it's got to have some impact on you. Maybe your brother just internalizes it?



Maybe he does. I wouldn't be surprised. He's doing more in college than I did. He makes new friends so much easier than I do. I had trouble because I always purposely avoided it because I knew my mom wouldn't let me out the house as much. He, on the other hand, ignores what she says... and just goes out anyway. I wish I had done that. I can just do that now though. It's not too late. But now that I'm done with school, it's harder to do meet new people  ::\: 

This household fucked me up so bad. I'm not even well-equipped for the real world and I don't even know where to start, especially when I often feel I'm not good enough.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Maybe he does. I wouldn't be surprised. He's doing more in college than I did. He makes new friends so much easier than I do. I had trouble because I always purposely avoided it because I knew my mom wouldn't let me out the house as much. He, on the other hand, ignores what she says... and just goes out anyway. I wish I had done that. I can just do that now though. It's not too late. But now that I'm done with school, it's harder to do meet new people 
> 
> This household fucked me up so bad. I'm not even well-equipped for the real world and I don't even know where to start, especially when I often feel I'm not good enough.



It's possible that he's just not as affected by it as you are, but I doubt that he's not hurting. Everybody wants to be accepted by their parents. 

For what it's worth, I think you've done massively well given the sorts of things you have to deal with. Like hell you're not good enough. You made it through college! I'm scared out of my mind to start a one-year course. Knowing that other people with problems similar to my own can do these sorts of things is what gives me hope for my future.

----------


## Keddy

Since my first surgery I've gone from 173 to 182 pounds... ugh  ::(: 
That means I've gained nine pounds in a little over a month... [BEEP] it.
I should be about 160 but I gained weight like crazy on meds. I lost weight but I've been sitting on my [BEEP] and lying in bed and eating like crazy so I gained it back. My goal is 165 and now I don't think I can do it by the summer like I wanted to. That means I have to lose 17 pounds!!! D:
I only had to lose eight more and now I ruined it for myself  ::(:

----------


## Koalafan

> aww thank you, Illusion!  Soup would be nice although I don't have an appetite... I had a banana for dinner and now I'm having a cup of tea, which is making me gag but I'm forcing myself to drink it  
> How's your leg today, btw? 
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you dear Keddy!



Kirse!!!! How ya feeling?  ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Koalafan

> Well, it's good that you realize how wrong they are. It's nonsensical what they're saying, so it's nothing that you can argue with. I don't blame you for being affected by their words - they're your parents. It's just the opposite of what people want to hear from their parents so no matter how wrong you know they are, it's got to have some impact on you. Maybe your brother just internalizes it? 
> 
> Soup's probably a bad idea actually. More suitable for colds I suppose. I usually eat crackers when my stomach is upset - just seems like the least likely thing to upset my stomach further. That and toast. Bagels, maybe. Foods that will keep you full longer. I hope you start to feel better soon! 
> 
> The leg is sore, but this is a good thing. Whatever it is I've got tends to fade away for long periods of time. This way when I see the doctor I won't have an invisible problem.



You just need a koala hug for your leg!!  :Celebrate:   :koala:   :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

My new computer is being a dick

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> You just need a koala hug for your leg!!



Aww koala hugs make everything better ^_^  :Hug:

----------


## L

> My college diploma just came in the mail... and my parents were still not happy for me.
> 
> My dad asked, "That's all you got? It's just a piece of paper? Were you not that great a student or something?"



Congratulations - really well done - it was for you you did it for, not them!

----------


## L

> Since my first surgery I've gone from 173 to 182 pounds... ugh 
> That means I've gained nine pounds in a little over a month... [BEEP] it.
> I should be about 160 but I gained weight like crazy on meds. I lost weight but I've been sitting on my [BEEP] and lying in bed and eating like crazy so I gained it back. My goal is 165 and now I don't think I can do it by the summer like I wanted to. That means I have to lose 17 pounds!!! D:
> I only had to lose eight more and now I ruined it for myself



When you get back on your feet  you can look at losing it again - for now you should just focus on recovering  ::):

----------


## Koalafan

My social anxiety is through the freaking roof right now

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Kirse!!!! How ya feeling?



I'm feeling a lot better tonight, thank you hun  :Hug: 





> My social anxiety is through the freaking roof right now



awwww  ::(:  did you have to be somewhere/ with someone that made you feel uncomfortable?

----------


## Keddy

My complete @#$% of an older brother called me "Average Looking" today  :O_O:

----------


## Koalafan

> I'm feeling a lot better tonight, thank you hun 
> 
> 
> 
> awwww  did you have to be somewhere/ with someone that made you feel uncomfortable?



Glad you're feeling better!  :Celebrate:  Blah...I celebrated my dad's birthday today so I had to spend a lot of time with the family which usually isn't too anxiety provoking but I had a cup of coffee earlier in the morning which tends to spike my SA a lot and I was pretty much silent the entire time we hung out and felt extremely uncomfortable  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

Super anxious about like... everything today.

----------


## L

Soooo much work to do  ::(:

----------


## Keddy

This is why I don't use Facebook and I hate when my family shows me stuff on Facebook:
I hate finding out that 100% of the people I graduated high school with are more popular than I am, most of them are in relationships, and that the ones who have it worse than I do have it REALLY bad. I hate seeing that people who were mean to me have turned out to be successful, too. And attractive. I swear to God every guy I graduated with is at least three times better looking than me.
And everyone from that school has forgotten that I still exist. Come on, it was only three years ago.
Like what the actual fuck.

----------


## SmileyFace

Anxiety went away earlier and I felt fine and positive again. But then... now it's back.

----------


## toaster little

I still want to talk to someone about what happened yesterday, but it raises too many questions and I feel like I'll have to provide too many explanations which will get people to start judging me instead of seeing things from my point of view.

If I try to go see a psychiatrist or a therapist, it'll be a while before I can get an appointment  ::(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Myself.

It took 1.5mg to calm me down yesterday over something so so so stupid. When is this going to end? I feel like I'm just existing.

----------


## Koalafan

I need to numb my brain

----------


## SmileyFace

I feel so ignored by people IRL today...

----------


## GunnyHighway

Not having a car is becoming depressing as fuck. With my friends talking about buying Porsches and big [BEEP] trucks, I'm sitting here staring at the lowest end newer (mid 2000's) cars and not being to afford the insurance. Just because I'm a male under 25, insurance companies assume I'm a speed demon that texts while he drives. It's absolute horse [BEEP] to get grouped into that stupid category and I hate not being able to drive because of it. I drive a $36,000 SUV at work damn near all day, 5 days a week. Not a single ding, scratch, ANYTHING. Despite that, an $8000 Mazda3 would cost me $4200 a year to insure. Fuck. That.

----------


## SmileyFace

Having a full-blown anxiety attack right now  ::(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

It's March 26th and on the forecast for today, drum roll please...

IS A BLIZZARD.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Stomach bug is gone and now it's time for a little sore throat.. FML

----------


## Koalafan

> It's March 26th and on the forecast for today, drum roll please...
> 
> IS A BLIZZARD.



Just wave your stick in the air to make winter go away!!  :damn kids:

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Still feeling a bit irritated from an hour-long argument I had with my mother earlier this afternoon.

----------


## Kirsebaer

I have no words to express the hate I feel for this fucked up country and the fuckers who run it and all the ignorant people who contribute to the fuckedupness. I truly hate living here! Can't wait to move the [BEEP] away from here!!! I'm fuming right now!!!!!!!

----------


## L

Miss her, need to be a better friend!

----------


## SmileyFace

Feeling more and more sad the more I think about the current situation with the BF...

----------


## Kirsebaer

my emotions are all over the place tonight.. I wonder if I'm PMSing or if it's because I lowered my Lexapro dosage

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

A lot of heartache. And my appetite is gone again. I'm hungry.

----------


## meeps

I am ugly, I can never fit in or make friends. I feel embarassed opening up too much, i'm embarassed about my life situation and that is also a factor that makes me believe that I'm not worthy of being anyone's friend, they'll only feel sorry for me. I don't know how the [BEEP] i'm going to deal in the real world, getting a job is this fucking field if I can't even deal socially. Always the awkward loner, and I don't know how the [BEEP] I can stop settling into that role everywhere I fucking go.

I am a really, really shitty person and I cannot control myself.

----------


## SmileyFace

I'm still anxious  ::\:  More and more worried the more I think about things.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Just another fun week of being a female.

----------


## SmileyFace

I can't stop playing the victim and it's frustrating. I know I really hurt someone but I don't know how to make them feel better. Instead, I try to find ways to make it seem like they're so irrational amd have no right to be upset. And this hurts them more and more. I don't want to do that anymore. 

Doesn't help that I fear that no matter what I do, it won't make them feel better. I need to get over that fear and take care of them how they take care of me when i am down. At least put my arm around them, hug them...

----------


## L

Slightly dizzy all day

----------


## SmileyFace

> Slightly dizzy all day



How come you're dizzy?  ::(:

----------


## Keddy

I really can't deal with my life anymore. I just want it to be over.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I really can't deal with my life anymore. I just want it to be over.



 ::(:   :Hug:  hang in there Keddy!

----------


## L

> How come you're dizzy?



Tired, cloudy head and trying to understand ethics for an assignment

----------


## L

> I really can't deal with my life anymore. I just want it to be over.



Pm me any time if you want xxx

----------


## L

Am i that fucking invisible????

----------


## SmileyFace

> Tired, cloudy head and trying to understand ethics for an assignment



Ew ethics. I hope you feel a lot better, lasair  ::(:  Maybe a nap would help? Unless you gotta do this assignment ASAP.

----------


## L

> Ew ethics. I hope you feel a lot better, lasair  Maybe a nap would help? Unless you gotta do this assignment ASAP.



I have just over a week to do it do I am not too bad, I had a nap a few hours ago but now I am too angry to do anything.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My private part hurts. Ugh wtf that's so random.

----------


## Chantellabella

My therapist told me I am in dysfunctional denial. 


Sigh.  ::(: 


Yeah. I agree. 

 ::(: 


Shit.

----------


## Kirsebaer

I just got an SMS from this woman who adopted one of the kittens I rescued and she said someone stole the kitten two months ago.. who the hell steals a kitten when it's so easy to find one to adopt.. now I wonder if that woman was taking good care of it to start with.. I feel like crap right now.. I feel so guilty.. I wish I had kept that kitten .. she was so sweet.. poor thing, I wonder where she is now  ::'(:

----------


## SmileyFace

So stressed out about tomorrow. I have the job interview, and then I'm going to have a talk with the BF afterwards about the rough patch we've hit recently. I'm terrified of how things will go for both... especially the stuff with the BF  ::\:

----------


## GunnyHighway

I've fallen into a hole and don't think I''ll ever come close to the exit. Yet another night spent in tears in my bed. I have nobody in my life that considers me as more than something to be used, nobody that _actually gives a fuck._ The second a "friend" stops needing me as a crutch I completely cease to exist. Laura, Justin, Vickie, Miles, ShadÃ©, and on and on and on, all had their lives get to a point where I was no longer useful and now I am nothing more but a steaming pile of waste in their rear view mirror.

Fuck. Everything.

----------


## L

> So stressed out about tomorrow. I have the job interview, and then I'm going to have a talk with the BF afterwards about the rough patch we've hit recently. I'm terrified of how things will go for both... especially the stuff with the BF



Good luck - let us know how you get on - fingers crossed for you xxx

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I've fallen into a hole and don't think I''ll ever come close to the exit. Yet another night spent in tears in my bed. I have nobody in my life that considers me as more than something to be used, nobody that _actually gives a fuck._ The second a "friend" stops needing me as a crutch I completely cease to exist. Laura, Justin, Vickie, Miles, ShadÃ©, and on and on and on, all had their lives get to a point where I was no longer useful and now I am nothing more but a steaming pile of waste in their rear view mirror.
> 
> Fuck. Everything.



 ::(:   :Hug: 

I give a fuck.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Still feeling horrible about the kitten  ::'(:

----------


## SmileyFace

Interview in a little over an hour *hyperventilates*

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Still feeling horrible about the kitten



This isn't even close to being your fault  :Hug: 




> Interview in a little over an hour *hyperventilates*



Congratulations and good luck! You're gonna do just fine.  ::):

----------


## SmileyFace

> Congratulations and good luck! You're gonna do just fine.



Thanks. You know my anxiety and nervousness is out of this world when I feel sick to my stomach.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Thanks. You know my anxiety and nervousness is out of this world when I feel sick to my stomach.



Yw ^_^. Yikes, I know that feeling. Do you do any breathing exercises to try and stay relatively calm? You'll have to let us know how it goes.

----------


## SmileyFace

I think the interview went well. Guy said it's fantastic that I had experience in working quickly. Next step is to take a test he's going to email me, and we'll go from there. *deep sigh* I'm so glad that interview is over.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> This isn't even close to being your fault



You're right... But I can't help telling myself that I could have given her a better life if I had kept her  ::'(:  and she'd have Nina's company...

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I think the interview went well. Guy said it's fantastic that I had experience in working quickly. Next step is to take a test he's going to email me, and we'll go from there. *deep sigh* I'm so glad that interview is over.



That's great news  ::): 




> You're right... But I can't help telling myself that I could have given her a better life if I had kept her  and she'd have Nina's company...



Hopefully she's okay, wherever she is now. There's no use in beating yourself up over it though.  ::(:

----------


## Keddy

I need to know that this is real and it's not going to end in me getting hurt. I know how I feel about him but how does he feel about _me_?
Our first date was fantastic and he wants to see me again tomorrow, but it's only a matter of time until I screw up. I piss people off, that's just me. I'm annoying and awkward and I know I won't be able to hold it together long enough before he sees how irritating I truly can get.
What is WRONG with me? Why am I just obsessing about everything that might go wrong instead of living in the moment and being happy that it went well?
Maybe I _did_ find the right person, after all. Maybe he really likes me for who I am, even with all my flaws.
But the last thing I need right now is to have my heart broken.
And why do I feel so happy with him when I still feel so ignored by everyone else in my life?

----------


## Chloe

Unfortunately keddy there's no way of knowing. If you find a way let me know too so I can find out !! 
Just be yourself from the beginning and then he knows what a caring, kind sweet guy he's going to be in a relationship and he can decide then and there. And if you do piss him off so what it's all about making it up to who your with and showing them it was a mistake and you truly do care about them  ::):  
As for looking to the future some people do that eg you and me where as others are completely chilled out and go with the flow. 
And hopefully you won't have to get your heart broken and you'll be with someone who can truly love you for who you are  ::):  


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

----------


## Kirsebaer

Cramps...
 And my throat is still sore..

----------


## Liam

I have never been so scared of being alone than I am right now.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Facebook's new layout looks like [BEEP]! wtf!!

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My antidepressants stopped working. I'm sad again.

----------


## Otherside

> Facebook's new layout looks like [BEEP]! wtf!!



I have to agree with you there. I hate change. It confuses me. Now I have no clue how to use it.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> My antidepressants stopped working. I'm sad again.



 ::(:   :Hug: 
Maybe you should ask your doc to up your dosage?

----------


## Chloe

I don't know when the next time I go skiing will be just got back from our last day today  ::(:  


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----------


## SmileyFace

These earthquakes and aftershocks we've been experiencing is making my mom pretty damn annoying. They're like.. nothing, really. It freaks me out, of course, but she acts like it's the end of the world.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

My body.

----------


## SmileyFace

Anxious all of a sudden.

----------


## Keddy

I just read the list of side effects my psychiatrist gave me when he prescribed Paxil. I'm really terrified to take it now.
"Paxil may be associated with these serious side effects: hallucinations, *coma*, or other changes in mental status; coordination problems or muscle twitching, racing heartbeat, high or low blood pressure, sweating or fever, nausea, vomiting, or diarrhea; severe allergic reactions- *trouble breathing*, swelling of the face, tongue, eyes, or mouth; *abnormal bleeding*; *seizures or convulsions*; *manic episodes*..."
WTF am I going to die now?!
 ::(:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Maybe you should ask your doc to up your dosage?



Thanks hun..  ::(:  I never knew it could be possible to feel this bad, and to be in this much pain. Right now I don't even want to try working out a solution that's probably going to only marginally be better, if at all... I just want it all to end.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Contacted over 10 people for cars. 3 replies, all saying "someone's on their way to look at it already". I *need* a car. I'm going insane in my house.

----------


## Chantellabella

I think I've been hiding. I realized that instead of going to a movie and going to see the lake to go hiking, I chose to stay home all weekend. Yes, I enjoyed decorating my house and even got a chance to sit on my porch and draw..........but I think I'm moving toward seclusion again. I've been in this town for 2 months now and haven't done anything but go to work and work on my house and yard.

----------


## Rawr

> I just read the list of side effects my psychiatrist gave me when he prescribed Paxil. I'm really terrified to take it now.
> "Paxil may be associated with these serious side effects: hallucinations, *coma*, or other changes in mental status; coordination problems or muscle twitching, racing heartbeat, high or low blood pressure, sweating or fever, nausea, vomiting, or diarrhea; severe allergic reactions- *trouble breathing*, swelling of the face, tongue, eyes, or mouth; *abnormal bleeding*; *seizures or convulsions*; *manic episodes*..."
> WTF am I going to die now?!



Don't worry. I've been taking 40mg Paxil for a couple of years now & the only side effect I've ever had is sweating. Also a lack of sex drive but that's all anti-depressants. Doesn't bother me much though since I'm always solo.

----------


## Rawr

I thought this guy liked me & was gonna treat me like I was special but he pretty much left me to the dogs. Now I'm heartbroken & worthless.

----------


## SmileyFace

> I just read the list of side effects my psychiatrist gave me when he prescribed Paxil. I'm really terrified to take it now.
> "Paxil may be associated with these serious side effects: hallucinations, *coma*, or other changes in mental status; coordination problems or muscle twitching, racing heartbeat, high or low blood pressure, sweating or fever, nausea, vomiting, or diarrhea; severe allergic reactions- *trouble breathing*, swelling of the face, tongue, eyes, or mouth; *abnormal bleeding*; *seizures or convulsions*; *manic episodes*..."
> WTF am I going to die now?!



lol and this is why I refuse to take medication for anything nowadays, including cold/flu medicine (i.e., I'm cool with Alka Seltzer and Theraflu though). So many strange possible side effects, some actually fatal. I never had this issue until 2-3 years ago when I had a bad allergic reaction to an antibiotic I had to take for a UTI.

Pretty scary. I refuse to take medication for my anxiety and such too. Sometimes I wonder if it'd really help me a lot. Maybe it would, but I don't want to depend on it so much if it does. On the other hand, if it makes things worse for me, [BEEP] that lol

----------


## SmileyFace

Feeling rather bitchy and PMS-y tonight. Getting irritated over things you shouldn't get irritated over to begin with is so annoying.

----------


## Member11

I was told by my doctors to record issues/problems I have, barely a few days into it I'm already up to 26 things, it's making me feel sad.  ::(:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My clingy parents. They're like barnacles. I seriously wish there had been a third or fourth sibling in the family so I could have some serenity... As it is, I'm chained until either they die or I die.

----------


## L

I'm coming down with something.....shit [BEEP] shit shit, not good have a lot of work to be doing

----------


## Keddy

I woke up this morning and literally didn't know where I was and that freaked me out for a little while.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I woke up this morning and literally didn't know where I was and that freaked me out for a little while.



That usually happens to me when I take naps in the afternoon  :Tongue:  I wake up feeling like I'm in a parallel world

----------


## Chloe

Yes I'm at the doctors. I hate the doctors. I'm shaking like a leaf right now that's how much it's bothering me (Irony of this being my mother is a nurse)


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----------


## SmileyFace

I can't tell if it's just pmdd/pms... or my mild depression acting up again. Been needing a lot more sleep than usual and when I wake up, it's just hard to get out of bed. It's comfy there but the more I lay there, the more depressed and useless I feel. Even the thought of getting out of bed has made me feel eh anyway. Then when I finally get out of bed, I feel rather better. Just wish it didnt take such a process though.

I feel so on edge right now. I was ok the past 2 days, but now I feel so damn anxious again. Feel as if I'm not good enough for anything or anyone. And oh - I been eating like a monster too (time of month is late for me atm). So, I dont know what's going on anymore. It just drains me for all I know.

----------


## L

Uneasy....feeling very uneasy - I want to relax

----------


## Keddy

> Uneasy....feeling very uneasy - I want to relax



 :Hug: 
It'll be OK.

----------


## L

> It'll be OK.



Going to do a relaxation CD!

----------


## Member11

Errrrr, I hate my meds, I hate my doctors. I don't have fucken sleep apnea, my sleeping troubles started when I was put on the Effexor and the Valium, even the fucken sleep study says that even those all my doctors want to ignore it. To make things worst, the Effexor and the Valium is not helping with my anxiety and depression, both of which is getting worst and worst each day. Errrrrr, [BEEP] you, doctors.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Errrrr, I hate my meds, I hate my doctors. I don't have fucken sleep apnea, my sleeping troubles started when I was put on the Effexor and the Valium, even the fucken sleep study says that even those all my doctors want to ignore it. To make things worst, the Effexor and the Valium is not helping with my anxiety and depression, both of which is getting worst and worst each day. Errrrrr, [BEEP] you, doctors.



I'm sorry you're having so much trouble with this  :Hug: . Medications can be hit or miss sometimes. Effexor was the first med I was put on as a teenager. I made excuses to switch to the next med on the list because I heard it had bad withdrawal side effects. I don't have any experience with Valium. What sort of sleep disturbances are you experiencing?

----------


## Chantellabella

Twice this month, I ordered items online and it defaulted to my old address. After waiting almost 3 weeks, I finally checked on my orders and they were sent to my old address. The people who bought my house accepted and KEPT over 200 dollars of merchandise from 2 different companies. They must think it's Christmas. 

Some people have no scruples. Grrrrr!!!!  ::

----------


## Keddy

> Twice this month, I ordered items online and it defaulted to my old address. After waiting almost 3 weeks, I finally checked on my orders and they were sent to my old address. The people who bought my house accepted and KEPT over 200 dollars of merchandise from 2 different companies. They must think it's Christmas. 
> 
> Some people have no scruples. Grrrrr!!!!



Oh, no, Chanty... that's horrible! Some people just don't get it. I guess they're still stuck on the "Finders Keepers" crap that they learned in kindergarten.
Is there any way you could get it back?
Ugh... people.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Oh, no, Chanty... that's horrible! Some people just don't get it. I guess they're still stuck on the "Finders Keepers" crap that they learned in kindergarten.
> Is there any way you could get it back?
> Ugh... people.



I emailed my old neighbors and asked them to casually mention to them that I thought some packages went to that address. Maybe if my old neighbors suggest that I know they have it, they will make an attempt to return it to me.

Ironically, a package for the person who used to live here came last week and I have been going round and round with UPS to come pick it up and ship it to her new address. I told UPS that since they delayed so much, they shouldn't charge that poor lady. It was a 2 day rush item. She is terminally ill and hopefully it wasn't some medical item. I called them AGAIN to pick it up tomorrow. I suggested they try and contact her and let her know that her package is on it's way (if they come pick it up). They literally have not picked it up after 3 phone calls, an email and leaving it out on my porch for a week. So frustrating!

----------


## Keddy

> I emailed my old neighbors and asked them to casually mention to them that I thought some packages went to that address. Maybe if my old neighbors suggest that I know they have it, they will make an attempt to return it to me.
> 
> Ironically, a package for the person who used to live here came last week and I have been going round and round with UPS to come pick it up and ship it to her new address. I told UPS that since they delayed so much, they shouldn't charge that poor lady. It was a 2 day rush item. She is terminally ill and hopefully it wasn't some medical item. I called them AGAIN to pick it up tomorrow. I suggested they try and contact her and let her know that her package is on it's way (if they come pick it up). They literally have not picked it up after 3 phone calls, an email and leaving it out on my porch for a week. So frustrating!



That _is_ really frustrating  ::(: 
At least you know what the right thing is to do and you're trying to get the package back to her. Those people shouldn't have kept your stuff, that just isn't right of them.

----------


## Koalafan

It's days like today I realize how socially inept I really am. You feel like you take one step forward and then bam...you get smacked in the face and take two steps back ><.

----------


## Chloe

Nightmares. First one for a couple of months has come up making me wake up and feel really anxious and scared. They always show what I'm scared of the most: violent men, being lost or unsure of where I am, rape, violence, being unable to escape from that situation.  I can't tell if I panicked in my sleep or either which doesn't make me feel much better


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----------


## Rawr

I fuck-up everything & I'm fucking crazy.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Stomach pain and a headache. I wish I didn't have to work today..

----------


## L

Pain in my side, my lord will it go away!

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

McDonalds has gotten expensive. I haven't had any for the better part of a decade, longer if you include anything that's not a muffin.

$5 for one sandwich? Get outta here.. They literally cost like $0.59 on Tuesdays when I was a kid. I'm only 21.

Edit: Not as good as I remember either.

----------


## meeps

feel empty. going nowhere

----------


## GunnyHighway

Need to stay out of that thread forever. I'm sure one of these days I'll slip, say something stupid, and everyone will hate me.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

There it is, a faint pull/weak sensation in my upper thigh after working out. I guess it's only a matter of time before it flares up again. I can't win. All I want to do is be active and quit hating my body.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> There it is, a faint pull/weak sensation in my upper thigh after working out. I guess it's only a matter of time before it flares up again. I can't win. All I want to do is be active and quit hating my body.



 ::(:  what did the doc say about your leg?

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> what did the doc say about your leg?



She showed me a specific stretch to do, but I didn't bother because at that point the pain had completely disappeared again. Problems that come and go are so hard to diagnose/treat.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> She showed me a specific stretch to do, but I didn't bother because at that point the pain had completely disappeared again. Problems that come and go are so hard to diagnose/treat.



That sucks  ::(:  but now that you're in pain again you could try the exercise she taught you? I hope it will help  :Hug:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> That sucks  but now that you're in pain again you could try the exercise she taught you? I hope it will help



Well, there's still a chance that it won't flair up, and I'm not about to quit exercising until it does. I should probably do the stretches anyway though since there's a good chance of that happening. I'm not in pain (yet) but I recognize the sensation and it's typically step 1 of the downward spiral.  :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

I'm mediocre at everything I do...

----------


## Kirsebaer

So tomorrow after work I'm going on a weekend getaway with a group of coworkers .. There's gonna be a lot of alcohol involved so I'm wondering what it's gonna be like.. I don't know what those people are like when they're drunk. I hope there won't be any drama.
I'm not anxious about going or anything, it's just that being the introvert I am, I'd rather have a quiet weekend at home, but I've promised myself I wouldn't go into avoidant mode ever again ..

----------


## GunnyHighway

Got made fun of for being a virgin again. Yay me.

----------


## Keddy

Thinking about disappearing for a long, long time and not speaking to another person again for years. UGH. FML, FML, FML!!! I hope I just die in my sleep tonight...

----------


## Chantellabella

> Thinking about disappearing for a long, long time and not speaking to another person again for years. UGH. FML, FML, FML!!! I hope I just die in my sleep tonight...



Don't say that. I know you're hurting, my friend. But it'll get better.  :Hug:  Just be good to yourself tonight.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Got made fun of for being a virgin again. Yay me.



People can be such idiots. Don't listen to them. Your future mate will be glad to have a virgin.

----------


## Chantellabella

> feel empty. going nowhere



Just a big  :Hug:  

Hope you feel better today.

----------


## Keddy

It would just be better for me not to wake up in the morning... I've failed at life. I'm starting to think I should give up.

----------


## Chantellabella

> It would just be better for me not to wake up in the morning... I've failed at life. I'm starting to think I should give up.



I'm going to do what Koalafan does  :bopa:  Don't even think it, young man!!

----------


## Keddy

*Sigh...*
I think I might be headed to the psych hospital again... I've tried and failed, my meds aren't working and I stupidly went off them, the Paxil was making me sick and giving me insomnia, and now this shitty relationship coming to an end like it did, I can't stop fucking drinking tonight... I'm drunk right now and I'm sorry if anything I say sounds stupid, but I can't deal with my life anymore and I think my last two options are to either commit myself to the hospital or to give up and prepare for my funeral.
My life. Is. An. EPIC FAIL.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> Got made fun of for being a virgin again. Yay me.



Meh. I mean, as a fellow paragon of virginity (Â¬_Â¬) I know how you feel, but anyone who's going to bring you down for something like that isn't someone with an opinion you should concern yourself with. It'll happen when it happens, and it'll probably be gloriously awkward and unsatisfying for both parties  :XD: .

----------


## Chantellabella

> *Sigh...*
> I think I might be headed to the psych hospital again... I've tried and failed, my meds aren't working and I stupidly went off them, the Paxil was making me sick and giving me insomnia, and now this shitty relationship coming to an end like it did, I can't stop fucking drinking tonight... I'm drunk right now and I'm sorry if anything I say sounds stupid, but I can't deal with my life anymore and I think my last two options are to either commit myself to the hospital or to give up and prepare for my funeral.
> My life. Is. An. EPIC FAIL.



Going off meds (especially suddenly) can definitely affect your mood. Drinking doesn't help. I remember doing both and all that combo did was make life worse. It made me not handle things in a healthy way. 

Well, giving up is not an option, so don't even go there.

Hopefully you feel better this morning. Maybe a good hangover will clear your head.  ::): 

Stick to healthy things, my friend. You are worth happiness. Don't forget that.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Selling off basically half of all my possessions. Being able to afford a decent car is harder than it seems...

----------


## Keddy

> Meh. I mean, as a fellow paragon of virginity (Â¬_Â¬) I know how you feel, but anyone who's going to bring you down for something like that isn't someone with an opinion you should concern yourself with. It'll happen when it happens, and it'll probably be gloriously awkward and unsatisfying for both parties .







> Got made fun of for being a virgin again. Yay me.



Don't worry, I'm right there with both of you guys. I'm going to be a virgin forever  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

Why can't I ever allow myself to be happy when things are going well in my life? I had so much fun yesterday at the Lakers game with the BF, but now I feel like I did not deserve that fun or that great time spent with him or anything.

I don't even know where this weird feeling comes from, but it does happen a bit often every time I have a good time with loved ones... or just enjoying life in general. I guess I've been through so much crap that I've gotten used to my life being so crummy and not exciting, then when something great happens... it's so foreign and strange. It leaves me wondering if it's all just a trap (I know, makes no sense) or something. Or something I cheated my way through to get (not sure how that'd happen, it's not like I used someone or screwed someone over to get to where I am now).

----------


## Lizard

My house is cluttered, but I am working on it in 15 minute increments.

----------


## SmileyFace

Seriously feeling like [BEEP] today. I feel like I'm not good enough at all.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Still really incensed over how I was treated. And disgusted.

The current problem- having trouble finding a place to live, made extra difficult by the fact that I'm looking while 3000 km away.

----------


## Keddy

Finding out that the guy who just broke up with me a few days ago is already interested in someone else is just... heartbreaking.  ::'(:

----------


## SmileyFace

Anxiety today has gone through the roof. Thankfully, it's not the point where I feel like my life is absolute [BEEP] really. It's more so how my life is going ok again and I'm freaking out that I'll do something and screw things up...sabotaging my relationships, etc.

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## L

> Finding out that the guy who just broke up with me a few days ago is already interested in someone else is just... heartbreaking.



Then that is not the kind of guy you want to be with!

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## Keddy

> Then that is not the kind of guy you want to be with!



No, it sure isn't  ::(: 
I'm not going to give dating another try for a long, long time. I've had enough of that for now.

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## Koalafan

Does anyone know if Kay is okay?  ::(:

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## allymay

Hey new to this not sure how it works? Little help please

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

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## Keddy

> Does anyone know if Kay is okay?



I sure hope so  ::(:  I haven't seen her post anything on here in ages...

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## Keddy

> Hey new to this not sure how it works? Little help please
> 
> Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk



Hey there, and welcome!  ::): 
I'd be glad to give you some help as will other members, and I'm sure the Mods will be able to help you out even more if you ask them as well.
When you sign into the forum, you will notice on the home page that there is a thread called "Introductions." If you post a new topic in that thread, you can introduce yourself, provide us with a little information so we can get to know you, etc. That's the first place most new members start.
The way this thread works is that you post whatever is bothering you at the moment, like the title says. That's the way most threads work here, the title is basically a description of the kinds of topics that people post in those threads.
Does that make sense? I hope the way I described it was helpful  ::): 
You can let me, or anyone else, know if you need any more help or advice. 
Once again, welcome!
/Keddy

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## SmileyFace

My mom needs to chill the [BEEP] out...

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## Heelsbythebridge

> Finding out that the guy who just broke up with me a few days ago is already interested in someone else is just... heartbreaking.



You can do way better Keddy. Consider it a bullet dodged!

----------


## GunnyHighway

I really badly miss having someone say goodnight to me. from time to time. A soft voice is calming. 

Just laying here like usual, not able to fall asleep.

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## Kirsebaer

this rainy weather is not helping my mood... and apparently it's gonna rain all week  ::s:

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## Member11

> this rainy weather is not helping my mood... and apparently it's gonna rain all week



 :Hug:

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## IllusionOfHappiness

I'm incapable of being positive.

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## Keddy

I feel completely depressed and terribly anxious right now. I keep thinking I'm going to have a panic attack but the panic attack never comes, I'm just stuck with the shitty feeling I always get right before they happen  ::(: 
I go back to school tomorrow, I think that might have something to do with it :/

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## Heelsbythebridge

Just sad, really sad. Everyone in my family is so sad.

On a less serious note, what's bothering me is all the paper documents I have. Holy hell, where does this [BEEP] come from. Everything really needs to be digitized. It's on the floors, my drawer tops, even surrounding my laptop right now. I don't know where to start.

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## SmileyFace

Super anxious now. Worried that I may have upset someone or some people even though I didn't say or do anything wrong. I can't ever seem to "let it go" and go with the flow of life. I try so hard to control every little thing, and it's so tiring and depressing.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> 



 :Hug:

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## L

People who complain ALL THE TIME drive me nuts and people who complain all the time and it never their fault, or never change their way of thinking are WORSE!!!!UGH

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## Keddy

Sometimes I feel like I should just stop talking  ::(:

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## SmileyFace

I don't know if it's because I'm hungry as hell or what, but I feel super bitchy all of a sudden. I'm just easily irritated right now. I probably should have stayed out of the house a bit longer today. Everytime I walk into my parents' apartment, my mood just automatically goes sour.

----------


## Koalafan

Completely and socially drained for the next 20 years. Too much socializing completely screws me up mentally not too mention makes me really irritable and meh  ::(: . Time to take a good long koala nap.

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## SmileyFace

Okay, maybe it was hunger that made me feel all bitchy earlier. I'm in a much better mood now (as well as in a nice food coma).

Another thing to bother me though -- this darn heat here in SoCal. It's about 100 degrees at the moment.

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## Heelsbythebridge

The most immediate problem is that I jammed our paper shredder, and I haven't been able to revive it.

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## SmileyFace

My mom needs to shut the [BEEP] up. And this is why I don't like being home at night. Seems like she is most annoying at this time of day.

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## Koalafan

Having a bad bad case of the paranoias and panic attacks tonight  ::(:

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## GunnyHighway

[BEEP] you, body. I withhold from partaking in the five finger knuckle shuffle for a little while and you decide you're just gonna circumvent that while I sleep. What a shitty thing to wake up to.

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## Heelsbythebridge

> [BEEP] you, body. I withhold from partaking in the five finger knuckle shuffle for a little while and you decide you're just gonna circumvent that while I sleep. What a shitty thing to wake up to.



It took me a moment to (maybe) get what you meant. Why are you withholding and why is it bad?

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## GunnyHighway

> It took me a moment to (maybe) get what you meant. Why are you withholding and why is it bad?



Just been so damn busy lately, I haven't really felt the need to indulge myself. It's bad because that means my bed sheets now need to get washed.

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## Heelsbythebridge

> Just been so damn busy lately, I haven't really felt the need to indulge myself. It's bad because that means my bed sheets now need to get washed.



Ahh I thought you were part of that group I can't understand, that thinks withholding is somehow beneficial to health or something. I would ask why it's not just your shorts/pants that need to be washed, but I think I'm getting too personal for comfort now  :Razz:

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## Keddy

Sorry, everyone, that I've been so miserable lately  ::(: 
I know all my posts have been depressing and I'm sorry if I scared anyone. I've just been feeling so shitty lately  ::(: 
I don't think I want to die as badly as I think I do, if that makes any sense. I'm pretty easy to talk down from doing anything once I look for help in the right places.
For now I'm safe and I just want to work on getting better.
/Keddy

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## L

> Sorry, everyone, that I've been so miserable lately 
> I know all my posts have been depressing and I'm sorry if I scared anyone. I've just been feeling so shitty lately 
> I don't think I want to die as badly as I think I do, if that makes any sense. I'm pretty easy to talk down from doing anything once I look for help in the right places.
> For now I'm safe and I just want to work on getting better.
> /Keddy



And you are doing a good job  ::):

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## SmileyFace

> Sorry, everyone, that I've been so miserable lately 
> I know all my posts have been depressing and I'm sorry if I scared anyone. I've just been feeling so shitty lately 
> I don't think I want to die as badly as I think I do, if that makes any sense. I'm pretty easy to talk down from doing anything once I look for help in the right places.
> For now I'm safe and I just want to work on getting better.
> /Keddy



*giant bear hug*

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## Heelsbythebridge

I've had a headache on the right side of my head since yesterday evening. 500 mg of acetaminophen couldn't make it go away.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Argh, why can't I do anything productive? I can't find the motivation to do anything other than sit at my damn computer all day, and I don't even really feel motivated to do that anymore.  ::@:

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## L

My dress does not look good on me fuck

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## IllusionOfHappiness

> Sorry, everyone, that I've been so miserable lately 
> I know all my posts have been depressing and I'm sorry if I scared anyone. I've just been feeling so shitty lately 
> I don't think I want to die as badly as I think I do, if that makes any sense. I'm pretty easy to talk down from doing anything once I look for help in the right places.
> For now I'm safe and I just want to work on getting better.
> /Keddy



No need to apologize for feeling bad or venting about it. That's the whole point of this place.  ::):

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## Keddy

> And you are doing a good job







> *giant bear hug*







> No need to apologize for feeling bad or venting about it. That's the whole point of this place.



Thank you guys  :Hug:

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## Keddy

Allergies are kicking my butt. Oy.

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## Heelsbythebridge

Two weeks. It's hitting me that my parents are simply going to flip. their. shit.

It doesn't matter that I'm nearly 22- in their heads, I'm still about 10 years old. Mom still tells me not to answer the door if a stranger knocks. LOL. 

My brother earlier, again: "So how long will you be gone?"

Moi: "Somewhere between a month and forever. In that general timeframe, more or less."

Ugh I'm going to go broke in like two months and terrible things will happen, I just know it. If life has taught me anything, besides _Lie well and Lie often_, it's that it can ALWAYS be worse. Always. Unless you're almost dead, then it can only get better.

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## Chantellabella

> Ugh I'm going to go broke in like two months and terrible things will happen, I just know it. If life has taught me anything, besides _Lie well and Lie often_, it's that it can ALWAYS be worse. Always. Unless you're almost dead, then it can only get better.



Sometimes our own words can defeat us. If you really believe this, then it  has a likelihood of happening.

How about, "I'll struggle and have to cut back to eating tuna fish, but damn it, I'm going to make this work. I want to!!"

I left home when I was 15 with nothing but a backpack, 2 sets of clothes and my toothbrush. Sure I struggled. But I survived. It was a really bad time in my life, but I never gave up because home was worse. 

I learned on the street to erase the phrase, "I can't" out of my life. 

You may struggle. And you may not. We can't see into the future unless you set yourself up to fulfill your beliefs.

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## Chloe

Not sure if it's just one of those days when I just feel like crap and  so unimportant to myself or anyone else or if I've gone into another funk  ::\:  hopefully it'll be nice and quiet at work and I can just come home, switch on a movie and just curl up in bed and ignore the world   ::(:  


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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## SmileyFace

My mom's sure lost her marbles...

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## Koalafan

Can you birds please stop shitting on my car!! It would be greatly appreciated

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## Heelsbythebridge

> Sometimes our own words can defeat us. If you really believe this, then it  has a likelihood of happening.
> 
> How about, "I'll struggle and have to cut back to eating tuna fish, but damn it, I'm going to make this work. I want to!!"
> 
> I left home when I was 15 with nothing but a backpack, 2 sets of clothes and my toothbrush. Sure I struggled. But I survived. It was a really bad time in my life, but I never gave up because home was worse. 
> 
> I learned on the street to erase the phrase, "I can't" out of my life. 
> 
> You may struggle. And you may not. We can't see into the future unless you set yourself up to fulfill your beliefs.



I don't believe in the "Believe it and you can do it" kind of thinking. It's never made a modicum of difference... The only thing it does is serve to inspire others, which is fine, but I think a realism-to-faith ratio shouldn't be more than 75:25 at most. 

I know I have a realistic chance that things will be okay, as I am relatively prepared, have the moral support of my older brother, and am not a complete moron. But I also know that I can't take medication anymore, I do not meet the language requirements for work where I'm going, I can't afford rent at the place where I would be going later, I'll be completely alone at both places, I have a limited amount of savings to draw from, the health problems that developed two years ago are still affecting me everyday and cost a small fortune to control, and I fantasize about my own death everyday no matter what's going on in my life. That I no longer see a future for myself. 

I don't lie to myself. Tuna's pretty uneconomical actually- it's like a dollar per can. It's more, "I could live on peanut butter and ramen everyday, and after the honeymoon period of being somewhere new, I'm going to be just as miserable there as I am here. This will only be confirmation of what I already know." 

I'll use "I can't" if it's a fact. e.g. I _can't_ speak French fluently. I _can_ learn, but the amount I learn from daily living and my dictionary isn't going to bring me to the proficiency needed for anything substantial (especially since I am very socially anxious and not likely to engage much). Is it possible to become functionally fluent in a few months for me? Sure. Would I be able to compare to native speakers, of which there is an abundance? Of course not. And when doing work that requires speaking- especially to customers and clients- you need to have proficient communication. But will I still try? That's something I've never stopped doing.

And yes, I have looked at work that doesn't require direct interaction with customers. Even most of those require bilingualism, and I have saved the ones that don't to apply to later. I've looked at volunteer postings for opportunities to practice, and I am not kidding, but 80% of them were "French only" postings- I am partially literate in French, but the likelihood that the place I'd be volunteering at speaking more English than French... is discouraging. Montreal also has a lot less posted jobs than Vancouver and Toronto... It's seriously ironic to me that Vancouver has everything I need right now, but due to everything that's gone on short- and long-term, it's not where I can be. Everywhere else is a downgrade!!

Sorry Cindy, I know how grumpy and bitchy this post is coming off. It's not directed at you but just expressing my own frustration- You're a real survivor and I've told you several times already, I admire you a great deal for your life and what you've been able to do. If you were my friend or sister at that time, I would be having angina pains from how much I'd be thinking and worrying about you- what you did was nuts. But I'm not like that. I'm nearly 22 and barely know how the world works, I've been extremely sheltered and haven't left my Metro area in about 10 years. I can't even do my taxes right, and all _I_ have to do is get the documents together for Dad to give the accountant (my government did an audit on me last year!- turned out they owed me money, but could have easily been the other way). I'm like 5 years old in independence.

 As well, I would rather put stake into objective examination than rely on my rose-coloured glasses. I mean I'll put them on as appropriate, but that's not right now. I had believed all kinds of things for myself, for my life, at one time. It's why I've been running to you guys crying this entire time  ::'(:

----------


## Chantellabella

> I don't believe in the "Believe it and you can do it" kind of thinking. It's never made a modicum of difference... The only thing it does is serve to inspire others, which is fine, but I think a realism-to-faith ratio shouldn't be more than 75:25 at most. 
> 
> I know I have a realistic chance that things will be okay, as I am relatively prepared, have the moral support of my older brother, and am not a complete moron. But I also know that I can't take medication anymore, I do not meet the language requirements for work where I'm going, I can't afford rent at the place where I would be going later, I'll be completely alone at both places, I have a limited amount of savings to draw from, the health problems that developed two years ago are still affecting me everyday and cost a small fortune to control, and I fantasize about my own death everyday no matter what's going on in my life. That I no longer see a future for myself. 
> 
> I don't lie to myself. Tuna's pretty uneconomical actually- it's like a dollar per can. It's more, "I could live on peanut butter and ramen everyday, and after the honeymoon period of being somewhere new, I'm going to be just as miserable there as I am here. This will only be confirmation of what I already know." 
> 
> I'll use "I can't" if it's a fact. e.g. I _can't_ speak French fluently. I _can_ learn, but the amount I learn from daily living and my dictionary isn't going to bring me to the proficiency needed for anything substantial (especially since I am very socially anxious and not likely to engage much). Is it possible to become functionally fluent in a few months for me? Sure. Would I be able to compare to native speakers, of which there is an abundance? Of course not. And when doing work that requires speaking- especially to customers and clients- you need to have proficient communication. But will I still try? That's something I've never stopped doing.
> 
> And yes, I have looked at work that doesn't require direct interaction with customers. Even most of those require bilingualism, and I have saved the ones that don't to apply to later. I've looked at volunteer postings for opportunities to practice, and I am not kidding, but 80% of them were "French only" postings- I am partially literate in French, but the likelihood that the place I'd be volunteering at speaking more English than French... is discouraging. Montreal also has a lot less posted jobs than Vancouver and Toronto... It's seriously ironic to me that Vancouver has everything I need right now, but due to everything that's gone on short- and long-term, it's not where I can be. Everywhere else is a downgrade!!
> ...



No worries my friend. You don't sound grouchy. You're being realistic and nobody can fault you on your honesty. 

I wish you much luck in this move. I hope it turns out better than you think and that it's the beginning of something good for you.  :Hug:

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## SmileyFace

> Two weeks. It's hitting me that my parents are simply going to flip. their. shit.
> 
> It doesn't matter that I'm nearly 22- in their heads, I'm still about 10 years old. Mom still tells me not to answer the door if a stranger knocks. LOL. 
> 
> My brother earlier, again: "So how long will you be gone?"
> 
> Moi: "Somewhere between a month and forever. In that general timeframe, more or less."
> 
> Ugh I'm going to go broke in like two months and terrible things will happen, I just know it. If life has taught me anything, besides _Lie well and Lie often_, it's that it can ALWAYS be worse. Always. Unless you're almost dead, then it can only get better.



I know how you feel. My mom says this every day:

-Don't forget to lock the door when you leave (no shit... okay, I'll leave the house and leave all doors and windows open!)
-Be sure to use dish soap when you wash the dishes.

Or when I go shopping, like today:

-Don't get something too big for you, or too small (well, no shit... again)
-Go to the petite aisles, because you're pretty short (no shit)

*sigh*

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## IllusionOfHappiness

> I know how you feel. My mom says this every day:
> 
> -Don't forget to lock the door when you leave (no shit... okay, I'll leave the house and leave all doors and windows open!)
> -Be sure to use dish soap when you wash the dishes.
> 
> Or when I go shopping, like today:
> 
> -Don't get something too big for you, or too small (well, not shit... again)
> -Go to the petite aisles, because you're pretty short (no shit)
> ...



Can I chime in here?  :Tongue: 
I'm constantly being reminded of things like this, though I'm actually in a decent mood right now so I'm not gonna go into rant mode.

----------


## Kirsebaer

So sick of this hot & humid climate...

----------


## GunnyHighway

> So sick of this hot & humid climate...



Come to Calgary. Less than 10% humidity at all times and it's friggin cold. (Although, these past few days have been warm)

----------


## toaster little

I wish people could take an interest in what's going on in someone's life instead of avoiding them after assuming there's something wrong with them.

If you used to call someone and hang out every weekend, but you suddenly stopped, they assume that you must be busy.  They also assume that you don't like them anymore and that's why you don't contact them when that might not be true.

Wouldn't you guys try to ask someone what was going on if they suddenly stopped calling and replying to your texts?

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## Chantellabella

> I wish people could take an interest in what's going on in someone's life instead of avoiding them after assuming there's something wrong with them.
> 
> If you used to call someone and hang out every weekend, but you suddenly stopped, they assume that you must be busy.  They also assume that you don't like them anymore and that's why you don't contact them when that might not be true.
> 
> Wouldn't you guys try to ask someone what was going on if they suddenly stopped calling and replying to your texts?



Yes, I would probably after awhile. But I wait a very long time because if I called them every time they took a time out, it would tell me that I was probably too dependent on them. Not saying you are at all, so please don't misunderstand. I just know that I take breaks from even my closest friends when I am focused on something else. If they called me often to ask why, it would send me a red flag that our friendship had gone beyond healthy into more of a co-dependent relationship. I try not to read too much into these "dry periods." It truly is that most people get caught up with life or withdraw occasionally. And even if they are pissed about something, when I do finally call them I just ask, "Did I hurt you in some way?" If they assure me they were just busy, I believe them. 

But I do hear you that it's easy to jump to the conclusion that they just hate you and want to go away.

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## Chantellabella

Still having these panic feelings for no reason.  ::(:

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## Kirsebaer

> Come to Calgary. Less than 10% humidity at all times and it's friggin cold. (Although, these past few days have been warm)



Niiice! I like low humidity (the only downside is that I get nose bleeds). But just how cold are we talking about here?  :Tongue:

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## IllusionOfHappiness

Feeling queasy this morning. I'm sure it will pass. Could be because of the change in temperature. Sometimes that screws with my physical health.

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## GunnyHighway

> Niiice! I like low humidity (the only downside is that I get nose bleeds). But just how cold are we talking about here?



Calgary gets lots of chinooks at winter. That means we can go from -20C to +15C the next day sometimes. We had a solid amount of time at -30C this winter. (This is my first winter in Calgary though)

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## Koalafan

> Feeling queasy this morning. I'm sure it will pass. Could be because of the change in temperature. Sometimes that screws with my physical health.



Aww hope you start feeling better!  :Hug: 

----------------------

What's bothering me is that I have way too much work over the next 2 days with few options for sleep. Time to have a talk with my manager  :Tongue:  lol

----------


## Keddy

I wish I didn't piss everybody off! F*ck!!!

Edit: That was supposed to be in all caps, because I am SHOUTING. Damn you spellcheck. Am I not allowed to yell?!

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Aww hope you start feeling better! 
> 
> ----------------------
> 
> What's bothering me is that I have way too much work over the next 2 days with few options for sleep. Time to have a talk with my manager  lol



It passed, thankfully. 

Tell your manager to talk to me!  ::

----------


## Chloe

That referral from my doctors to another long term counselling hasn't gotten any results. It's been weeks but no ones rang or made contact. Even if they did though I'm beginning to loose sight of any escape from this fear or anxiety. This fear of things when and if they pop up is driving me crazy, I know I'm defiantly in a funk (not feeling my most cheerful or happiest) and I know that won't help my thoughts but it's a reoccurring thought. Previous counselling helped me learn a bit more about why and help me learn to stop but I would still get triggered by things and can't always stop it. I've started panicking like I use to when things were really really bad as well, there's no reason for this sudden change but it worrys me that I may be going back to how bad I use to be when I started passing out and the anxiety first started taking over more and more of my life. This time a year ago or so i was so scared confused and desperate and all I can think is I'm just going back to that  :Ninja:   ::(:  


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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## Keddy

My poor dog is getting old and he's really overweight which is not helping  ::'(: 
I'm afraid he's going to die and I want to get a puppy before that happens so it's not like I'm replacing him because I know I want another dog...
My parents have thought about getting another dog for a while, we were thinking of getting a Vizsla or an English springer spaniel. Nice dogs, both.
But no dog could ever replace Guinness  ::'(:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

The owners at the new place my mom is working at was really abusive to her. She called me cussing and crying about how horrible they were, and she never does that. It was her first shift there and they were calling her stupid, other demeaning things (these are the OWNERS). I told her she should have left mid-shift... She's definitely not going back. I would have gone and screamed at them if I had known sooner how fucking dare they treat my mother this way. I told my brother and he's angry too, saying he would have gone with me.

Mom won't tell me where this was, but I'm going to try getting it out of her anyways. I'm going to go talk to them, just tell them calmly that this is not how you treat another human being... And that I'm telling my friends, family, and broadcasting on Facebook what happened and not to eat there. Not if their business practice is this unethical and cruel. 

Ugh let this be the one time I don't start shaking in my shoes from anxiety and fear. I want to say it while other customers are there, but that is frightening. But still, you can't just let someone bully your mother or father to the extent they did. It's a matter of fucking principle.

Edit: Because I'm an insufferable pedant, I also know they violated BC's Bill 14 Bullying and Harassment Act.

----------


## SmileyFace

Got quite a sunburn at the beach today  ::(:  it hurts lol

----------


## Keddy

My new friends invited me to a party tonight at our college. When I lived on campus the parties always scared the crap out of me and I stayed away, but now that I live at home, I'd be more than glad to get out.
I trust these kids but at the same time any party scenario is going to give me massive social anxiety. I'm just going to hide in a corner and get a bit tipsy by myself, I think. That sounds like the safest way to go.
Ugh I hate having SA. It sucks the fun out of every social interaction imaginable.

----------


## Kirsebaer

My dog just farted and the smell is deadly :# ::

----------


## Koalafan

> My dog just farted and the smell is deadly :#



 :: !!

----------


## SmileyFace

Super anxious today, especially right at this moment. Scared that I am not doing enough in this relationship of mine. I feel as if I had done something wrong... even though nothing has come out to show that I have. BF hasn't pointed out anything, nor has he acted strangely.

Anxiety and paranoia is such a bitch.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Is anyone as retarded as me? Applying to job postings, and being terrified that (a) no one will reply, and (b) that someone will reply, and I'll have to go for an interview and potentially the whole newbie process. Alone. In a city where I know no one and nothing.

Obviously the first one is worse, but I'm applying to my first job in eastern Canada and feel terror at hitting the send button. Even though I know it's very unlikely I'll get hired.

----------


## Keddy

Somehow I've pulled a pectoral muscle :/ Didn't even think I had those. It hurts like a b*tch right where my chest meets my ribcage.
Owww... *whines*

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## Heelsbythebridge

I am SPAMMING this thread but I am shitting bricks. Oh my god, I'm going 3500 km alone to a place that's more Mars than Montreal, and my overprotective smothering parents don't know yet. It's in two weeks. And my finances are very limited. And I can't speak the local language. 

Also may as well add this unpopular opinion here: If you're THIS terrified of your daughter getting raped, even at the ripe old age of 22, then you should have just aborted your female fetus. My Mom the other day- "You're still little." Ugh, the perils of being born female.

----------


## Kesky

> I am SPAMMING this thread but I am shitting bricks. Oh my god, I'm going 3500 km alone to a place that's more Mars than Montreal, and my overprotective smothering parents don't know yet. It's in two weeks. And my finances are very limited. And I can't speak the local language. 
> 
> Also may as well add this unpopular opinion here: If you're THIS terrified of your daughter getting raped, even at the ripe old age of 22, then you should have just aborted your female fetus. My Mom the other day- "You're still little." Ugh, the perils of being born female.



it must feel kind of surreal, being in your home knowing things will change so abruptly but, I don't know, I've found we can go through these changes, especially someone like you who is good at identifying the steps to take and taking them....one at a time. You'll know what's best.

*big hugs*

----------


## SmileyFace

Been rather on-edge still. I'm constantly feeling like I'm doing stuff wrong. Helped the BF with stuff in Photoshop by sending him steps to take, but he later asked couldn't I just make a PDF file so he could mess with things himself. I know he didn't want me to take so much time and effort to do something so simple; it did take me a while as well to put things together.... but eh, I just now feel like I'm not that smart to figure how to do things in more simple ways. He didn't do anything wrong though. It's just something I already noticed about myself.

I wish my parents had given me the independence and space for me to do things myself. Now I'm barely trying to figure out how to do things for myself and it's painful seeing how I don't know how to take shortcuts right away. I wish I had figured all this out a long time ago. I don't even feel like an adult...

----------


## Keddy

Fucking cough. Fucking allergies. I'm hacking up a lung here.  ::@:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> it must feel kind of surreal, being in your home knowing things will change so abruptly but, I don't know, I've found we can go through these changes, especially someone like you who is good at identifying the steps to take and taking them....one at a time. You'll know what's best.
> 
> *big hugs*



It's one thing to plan, it's another to actually go through with your plans. 

The main things giving me anxiety are (a) my mom and her side of the family and (b) loneliness, and (c) financial stress- in the short and "long term" (I put this in quotes because I'm pretty sure I'll find that my paradigm won't change with a different environment, and that my body has been right in telling me to end its misery).

It's mainly (a) right now making me [BEEP] bricks at _leaving_. I don't think anyone understands (except maybe a few other girls here) just how paranoid my Mom and her side of the family is... I think if they could slap a bracelet on me that would monitor my location 25/7, they would. Or lock me in a closet because ZOMG if I take a step out of the house some dark and grubby man could grab me and rape me! Jesus god so just because I'm a woman, nighttime walks (my favourite) are never to be taken? While at my cousin's the other night, my uncle (all mom's side) was like, "You're still a girl, [so the paranoia is justified and necessary]." 

I didn't tell them that I know what my risks are and I would rather take them than go through life scared. Hell, I can point to my Mom and say, "You go out at night alone! You stay out at night alone! And you're smaller than I am. What about THAT?"

And it's not just if I go out at night. She wants to know where I am at ALL times. Even if it's in broad daylight. Even if I do go out at night, it's not like I'm doing blow at skeezy places with questionable people. I'm probably just at a fucking 24 hour Tim Hortons trying to think.

----------


## SmileyFace

I'm so tired of worrying about what other people think. I'm scared of putting myself out there because I'm terrified of coming off as an attention whore. But it's also a bad thing not putting myself out there. *sigh*

----------


## Keddy

> I'm so tired of worrying about what other people think. I'm scared of putting myself out there because I'm terrified of coming off as an attention whore. But it's also a bad thing not putting myself out there. *sigh*



I can totally relate to this  :Hug: 
I'm in the same boat right now, I feel like when I'm social and talkative other people read it as me wanting attention, but when I'm quiet and withdrawn they judge me for that too and think I'm plain weird... And it doesn't help me when I don't try to make friends.
People are just a difficult species to figure out. I hear ya.

----------


## Keddy

Meant to post this in the morning, but...
Son of a f*cking b*tch, when the hell am I gonna learn not to cut myself shaving?! So done with non-electric razors! Ouch!!

----------


## SmileyFace

> I can totally relate to this 
> I'm in the same boat right now, I feel like when I'm social and talkative other people read it as me wanting attention, but when I'm quiet and withdrawn they judge me for that too and think I'm plain weird... And it doesn't help me when I don't try to make friends.
> People are just a difficult species to figure out. I hear ya.



Yeah... it especially sucks when you're known to be reserved. The moment you put yourself out there, it's utterly strange to others, and some would have the nerve to think you are an attention-seeking whore. Bleh. So hard not to worry about what others think.

I'm not gonna lie, I'd like the attention. I rarely get attention, so it'd be nice to get some attention. I just don't like it in a whorish kind of way *shrug*

----------


## GunnyHighway

> Meant to post this in the morning, but...
> Son of a f*cking b*tch, when the hell am I gonna learn not to cut myself shaving?! So done with *non-electric razors*! Ouch!!



Cmon man, where's the straight razor? Shave like me! (I definitely _did not_ cut myself shaving 10 minutes ago...twice...nope)


Look into styptic pencils. They're great for shaving cuts, basically stops he bleeding instantly at the cost of a wicked amount of stinging for a few seconds.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Having to take 3 buses (each way) to get to and from work just because I'm too scared to drive on the highway  ::(:

----------


## Koalafan

> Having to take 3 buses (each way) to get to and from work just because I'm too scared to drive on the highway



You're not the only one!! I avoid the highway at ALL costs. If there is any alternative way to get to work that doesn't involve the highway I take it and damn the extra time it takes!  :Tongue:

----------


## Koalafan

> Yeah... it especially sucks when you're known to be reserved. The moment you put yourself out there, it's utterly strange to others, and some would have the nerve to think you are an attention-seeking whore. Bleh. So hard not to worry about what others think.
> 
> I'm not gonna lie, I'd like the attention. I rarely get attention, so it'd be nice to get some attention. I just don't like it in a whorish kind of way *shrug*



Gahhh it's a damned if you do and damned if you don't isn't it?  ::(:  I get this all the time where people know I am shy and reserved and give me crap for it and tell me to be more "outspoken". However when I actually become more outspoken, they become incredibly dickish and judgemental about it and stare at me like I'm some foreign alien. That in of itself causes me to become even more reserved and shy than before =/

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Just in a really shitty mood. I'd go back to bed, but if that happens I may not be out till the next ice age.

----------


## GunnyHighway

> Having to take 3 buses (each way) to get to and from work just because I'm too scared to drive on the highway







> You're not the only one!! I avoid the highway at ALL costs. If there is any alternative way to get to work that doesn't involve the highway I take it and damn the extra time it takes!



Hmm, I'm the complete opposite. I prefer highway driving myself. No worries about pedestrians, stop lights, school zones, or bumper to bumper traffic.

----------


## Keddy

> Cmon man, where's the straight razor? Shave like me! (I definitely _did not_ cut myself shaving 10 minutes ago...twice...nope)
> 
> 
> Look into styptic pencils. They're great for shaving cuts, basically stops he bleeding instantly at the cost of a wicked amount of stinging for a few seconds.



I just looked up straight razors on Google images... YIPES!!!
I have no idea how I would ever manage not to slice my head off trying to shave with one of those. LOL
I think the problem here is not what kind of razor I use, I think it's more that I'm really, really uncoordinated. But I hate facial hair and I would rather not have to deal with the stubble, it looks wicked trashy on me  :Tongue:  God damn having dark hair.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

So much shaving talk, I suppose I'll add to it. I've been shaving lately just out of boredom, but I prefer having facial hair and just keeping it trimmed.

As for what's bothering me...lots of things.

----------


## SmileyFace

I feel ugly today  ::\:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Just in a really shitty mood. I'd go back to bed, but if that happens I may not be out till the next ice age.



 :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

I procrastinate way too much when it comes to answering emails/PMs , even when they're from people who mean a lot to me. I don't know why but I need to be in a specific state of mind in order to feel like writing long emails, and sometimes it takes weeks or months for that to happen  ::s:

----------


## GunnyHighway

Lots of sex talk today on the forums. Time for my awkward self to gtfo.  :lurk:

----------


## Keddy

> Lots of sex talk today on the forums. Time for my awkward self to gtfo.



It's OK, I felt really awkward about what I said earlier anyway... I will in all likelihood remain a virgin for the rest of my life.

----------


## Keddy

AAAARGH! I just got out of the shower and I was wearing a towel so I could get to my room (I guess it didn't cover enough), and my dipshit of a younger brother was like, "Dude, your thighs are massive." And he did not mean muscular. I hate my brothers. Why are they so mean? About EVERYTHING?
Why would you make a comment to a guy about his thighs anyway??
Then he went on to tell me I should "hit the gym" and that I "better try and replace that keg with a six-pack."
What an a$$hole!!! ::@: 
And people wonder why I think I'm fat!!

----------


## merc

First off this is your brother and brothers are the worst. My brother told me I was fat when I was like 7 or 8 months pregnant. I was huge but there wasn't a darn thing I could do about it. He got in trouble with his wife on that zinger and that amused me, though.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Lots of sex talk today on the forums. Time for my awkward self to gtfo.



I'm drunk on rum and candor. I think everyone should be, 100% of the time.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> AAAARGH! I just got out of the shower and I was wearing a towel so I could get to my room (I guess it didn't cover enough), and my dipshit of a younger brother was like, "Dude, your thighs are massive." And he did not mean muscular. I hate my brothers. Why are they so mean? About EVERYTHING?
> Why would you make a comment to a guy about his thighs anyway??
> Then he went on to tell me I should "hit the gym" and that I "better try and replace that keg with a six-pack."
> What an a$$hole!!!
> And people wonder why I think I'm fat!!



This is what I'd give your brother if I ever saw him :  :bopa:

----------


## SmileyFace

Hate how much I'm controlled in this house. It's really depressing not being able to be yourself. Every little thing sets my mom off.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> 



Thanks for the hugs, Kirse  :Kiss: 
My mood has improved quite a bit.

----------


## Keddy

Things are getting out of control with my younger brother. He's very talented at making me look like an asshole. He can say whatever he wants to me but God forbid I say anything back, then I'm an asshole. He bullies me about my weight, he blames me for everything, and my parents are completely oblivious to everything mean that he does and think he's innocent. I'm sorry, but once you hit fifteen you are no longer innocent IMO. 
My mom favors him, which pisses me off to no end because my mom is my closest ally in our house. I don't get along well with my dad or my older brother either but the younger one is a Class-A jerk.
He also lies his slimy little a$$ of about EVERYTHING. My parents truly believe that he is not bullying me and that I'm overreacting. He stole a beer out of the fridge a few weeks ago and spilled it over- not only is he way too young to drink, but when my dad asked who stained the rug my brother said, right in front of me, "Yeah, it was Keddy" and no one questioned it. He clogged the toilet yesterday-"Mom, Keddy clogged the toilet again!"
My older brother couldn't find the TV remote- "Hey Connor, fatass put it somewhere." The dog sh*t in the neighbors' yard- "Pick it up, Keddy."
I can't live with this anymore. I am beyond sick of being the object of all his hatred. I was here way before him anyway so the least he could do is show his older brother some damn respect.

----------


## SmileyFace

- Anxious about tomorrow's job interview.
- Anxious about my relationships with people.
- Anxious about my life in general.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Bah. Who am I trying to kid. I'm just as lonely as everybody else. The feeling that something vital is missing is hard to ignore.  ::\:

----------


## Kirsebaer

This is the second morning I wake up with a horrible pain on my right arm, as if I had strained my biceps.. Wtf!?

----------


## Koalafan

*gives a squishy hug to everyone in this thread*  :group hug:   :koala:

----------


## L

I feel like being an [BEEP] hole - better stay clear of everyone

----------


## Kesky

> I feel like being an [BEEP] hole - better stay clear of everyone



it's ok. I can take it. bring it on.  ::

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

I got invited to go see the new Captain America movie with someone and I'm procrastinating on answering them with a definitive yes. I really need an excuse to get out of the house, and now that a good one has presented itself I keep trying to talk myself out of taking advantage of the opportunity. This same person also gave me their number and suggested that I call or text them and I haven't done that yet either. I know that if I wait too long I risk disappointing them and missing my opportunity, but I'm having a really hard time getting myself to do anything. My brain is such a jerk.  ::\:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

That I likely fucked up the one chance I had of getting a job in Montreal.

----------


## SmileyFace

Posted a topic on Reddit, ranting about my overbearing mother. Got some comment or two that I didn't appreciate. Hardly anyone seems to understand what it's really like to be in an Asian family and how much control there is in most. Simply "trying to talk things out with your mom or move out" isn't that simple.

----------


## Chloe

Earlier on this week I found out Mattys got a lot of pent up resentment/unresolved dealings with how I dealt with him self harming. The conversation took a turn from the worst. We stopped, I pretended all was well while we are dinner with his parents. They asked me to talk about another concern we had about him (just with smoking and energy drinks what got me and Matty onto the subject of self harming) and I was too terrified to say anything. I just carried on pretending all was well staying quiet but all the while I felt I was going to be sick I had to say something but I was so scared of another verbal outburst again.... Idk we need to talk about it I want to be there for him like he is for me. I acted out of fear in the past and he wasn't happy with that. Maybe now I know it's all over we can try talk It out again when he stays over this weekend  ::\:   :Ninja:  


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

----------


## Keddy

I guess I can't see my own body accurately. My mom says I'm starting to look thinner and I know I've lost weight but I just can't see it. It doesn't help that my younger brother is always giving me crap about being overweight.

----------


## Kirsebaer

reading about the ferry disaster in South Korea... what a horrible tragedy.. what a horrible way to die.. my heart goes out to the families  ::(:

----------


## Keddy

> reading about the ferry disaster in South Korea... what a horrible tragedy.. what a horrible way to die.. my heart goes out to the families



I just read that too... So sad  ::(: 
I hope that they were able to find more survivors. How terrible. God bless those people  ::(:

----------


## Total Eclipse

My body feels physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted past the limits of what I can take. I can't eat, sleep or relax. My overall body feels like I'm carrying around weights on a very overall sore body. Every single sound feels amplified and echoed, crushing my head as I hear it. Throbbing and tenseness, vomiting and feeling myself physically not handing this right yet I keep pushing myself.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> That I likely fucked up the one chance I had of getting a job in Montreal.



**hugs** Try to stay positive!! What went wrong?

----------


## Total Eclipse

> reading about the ferry disaster in South Korea... what a horrible tragedy.. what a horrible way to die.. my heart goes out to the families



Yeah  ::(:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> **hugs** Try to stay positive!! What went wrong?



Haha aw thankyou sweetie  :Heart:  When I was 12 I set up a different account with a really offensive name, and whenever someone emails me, they get a bounceback to that account. It's really off-putting and I forgot about it because my Vancouver boss never made mention of it (she's known me for a while so I have some leeway, while employers in Montreal aren't going to give me any benefit of the doubt seeing as I'm already an Anglo and 3000 km away). I just fixed it so it would stop bouncing, but it might have been too late >.>

It's okay, I had planned to relax in Montreal anyways!!  ::):

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Bah. Who am I trying to kid. I'm just as lonely as everybody else. The feeling that something vital is missing is hard to ignore.



**hugs**

----------


## Rawr

Rumors about my boyfriend telling others that I have "problems" & he wouldn't go back out with me for a $1,000,000 bucks. He denied them but went straight to bed after I brought them up like he was trying to avoid the topic.  ::'(:  We've dated twice in the past. Each only lasting a week. It'll be a week tomorrow since we've gotten back... Oh geez.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

So I hate to be the person complaining about a first world problem... Well it's not really complaining, just expressions of terror. I got a kind reply from another Montreal employer requesting to schedule an interview when I arrive, but this kind of terrifies. I'll basically touch down, sleep like maybe one or two nights, interview, and then work a week after that. In a city alone that may as well be in another country.

I'm so extraordinarily grateful and flattered that anyone would talk to me, but at the same time... I didn't actually expect anyone would talk to me. It's like a dog chasing its tail, it wouldn't know what to do if he caught it. Now I'm caught off guard and have to made a decision in a few hours. I haven't even slept yet.

----------


## toaster little

I just want to forget about school and move far, far away.  If I try to keep in touch with people I've met, it'll just bring back all of the memories that I'd rather forget.

Everyone's going to think I'm rude for ignoring them, but I feel like I have to do what's best for me.  I can't live the rest of my life making other people happy and not caring about myself.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Bus preachers..listening to them makes me wanna bang my head against the seat in front me

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I don't have caller ID and somebody keeps calling me and not leaving a message. What is with people and doing this? My phone does tell me if the same person calls more than once, I just don't have the luxury of knowing who it is. I changed my voicemail greeting so that it didn't include my name. Leave a fucking message. What are you calling for if you're not going to leave a message? obviously you want something, because you called three times in the row. Just WTF.

----------


## Total Eclipse

I feel so tired... so tired.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Paranoid thoughts about already ruining something that seemed like it had potential because I didn't take the initiative (and maybe also for expressing an opinion about something when I shouldn't have) won't leave me alone. I hate obsessively worrying over things, especially when enough time hasn't realistically passed for me to make that determination yet. Of course, even after an appropriate amount of time has passed I'll still be dwelling on it when I know I shouldn't be. Why does life have to always feel so exhausting? :/






> Rumors about my boyfriend telling others that I have "problems" & he wouldn't go back out with me for a $1,000,000 bucks. He denied them but went straight to bed after I brought them up like he was trying to avoid the topic.  *We've dated twice in the past. Each only lasting a week.* It'll be a week tomorrow since we've gotten back... Oh geez.




I feel like that bold part is pretty telling. A week is nothing, and it only lasting that long on two separate attempts isn't particularly encouraging. Unless something significant has changed in regards to whatever the incompatibility between you two was/is, I'm not sure you can expect much more for a third attempt. That's not to say you shouldn't try to make it work, but if it doesn't please try not to blame yourself if it fizzles out again. If those rumors are true, then you deserve better than someone who can't accept you for who you are and be supportive and understanding of your "problems."

----------


## L

My digestive system is not working and I feel ick

----------


## Keddy

> Rumors about my boyfriend telling others that I have "problems" & he wouldn't go back out with me for a $1,000,000 bucks. He denied them but went straight to bed after I brought them up like he was trying to avoid the topic.  We've dated twice in the past. Each only lasting a week. It'll be a week tomorrow since we've gotten back... Oh geez.



Aww I'm so sorry hun  ::(: 
I know the feeling...
 :Hug:

----------


## Rawr

> Paranoid thoughts about already ruining something that seemed like it had potential because I didn't take the initiative (and maybe also for expressing an opinion about something when I shouldn't have) won't leave me alone. I hate obsessively worrying over things, especially when enough time hasn't realistically passed for me to make that determination yet. Of course, even after an appropriate amount of time has passed I'll still be dwelling on it when I know I shouldn't be. Why does life have to always feel so exhausting? :/
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I feel like that bold part is pretty telling. A week is nothing, and it only lasting that long on two separate attempts isn't particularly encouraging. Unless something significant has changed in regards to whatever the incompatibility between you two was/is, I'm not sure you can expect much more for a third attempt. That's not to say you shouldn't try to make it work, but if it doesn't please try not to blame yourself if it fizzles out again. If those rumors are true, then you deserve better than someone who can't accept you for who you are and be supportive and understanding of your "problems."




Yeah. I don't know. I'm use to this by now. I just said it is what it is & if you're gonna waste my time then I'll move on.

----------


## SmileyFace

Anxiety and paranoia sucks so bad...

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> Yeah. I don't know. I'm use to this by now. I just said it is what it is & if you're gonna waste my time then I'll move on.



That's an unfortunate thing to be used to, I'm sorry to hear that. That's a good response, though—short and to the point.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My brother's not impressed with the places/jobs I'm applying to, nor the rates of pay.

It's like dude, I don't exactly have options here. Still, disappointed that _he_ may be disappointed in me  ::(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> My brother's not impressed with the places/jobs I'm applying to, nor the rates of pay.
> 
> It's like dude, I don't exactly have options here. Still, disappointed that _he_ may be disappointed in me



Pff, forget about him. What does it have to do with him? Nothing, so he can butt out >.<. I think you've got enough things to worry about without anyone criticizing your job choices. Does he expect you to walk into the nearest hospital decked out in scrubs and start performing heart surgery or something? You have to start somewhere.

----------


## L

Oh my God, I'm a bad person - I don't know what it is like to lose someone through death and I have not supported someone that I should have through it happening to them. I had a plan of what I was going to do but that was not right, it didn't fit or suit - oh my god  ::(:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Pff, forget about him. What does it have to do with him? Nothing, so he can butt out >.<. I think you've got enough things to worry about without anyone criticizing your job choices. Does he expect you to walk into the nearest hospital decked out in scrubs and start performing heart surgery or something? You have to start somewhere.



Thanks, I really needed to hear that. I feel really overwhelmed with everything as it is, and the idea of jumping straight into a full-time job right off the bat is making me [BEEP] bricks regardless. I'm not even done reviewing my French. I'm probably just going to spend the first month in Montreal getting to know the place... It _was_ supposed to be my sabbatical. And yeah I think he expected me to do just that... I told him I applied to a yacht club, and he probably thought it was something in management or something. HAHAHA. Oh my god that's hilarious. That's not how the world works for people like me.

It did for him... when he was my age, he didn't even get a college diploma or degree, and basically got a professional job on the first try over everyone else. He got all the intelligence and charisma in the family... And he's still there like 7 years later. I'm extremely happy and proud of him, but it's not always that easy bro!

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Thanks, I really needed to hear that. I feel really overwhelmed with everything as it is, and the idea of jumping straight into a full-time job right off the bat is making me [BEEP] bricks regardless. I'm not even done reviewing my French. I'm probably just going to spend the first month in Montreal getting to know the place... It _was_ supposed to be my sabbatical. And yeah I think he expected me to do just that... I told him I applied to a yacht club, and he probably thought it was something in management or something. HAHAHA. Oh my god that's hilarious. That's not how the world works for people like me.
> 
> It did for him... when he was my age, he didn't even get a college diploma or degree, and basically got a professional job on the first try over everyone else. He got all the intelligence and charisma in the family... And he's still there like 7 years later. I'm extremely happy and proud of him, but it's not always that easy bro!



Ah, I see. I one of _those_ people. Yeah, the rest of us have to start from square one and he's just gonna have to accept that.  :Hug:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Ah, I see. I one of _those_ people. Yeah, the rest of us have to start from square one and he's just gonna have to accept that.



 :Hug:  Thanks hun. I'm also keeping one of my close friends updated on my progress, and she's none too impressed either (mostly with not wanting to work right away). She lives to work, pretty much. Man I think I should just keep my misadventures to myself and you guys from now on.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Thanks hun. I'm also keeping one of my close friends updated on my progress, and she's none too impressed either (mostly with not wanting to work right away). She lives to work, pretty much. Man I think I should just keep my misadventures to myself and you guys from now on.



You're welcome :3
Heh, that sounds like a decent plan if everybody's going to turn into Judgey McJudgepants over it. They should just be glad you've making as much progress as you are. This is a huge deal and I think you're handling it rather well.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> You're welcome :3
> Heh, that sounds like a decent plan if everybody's going to turn into Judgey McJudgepants over it. They should just be glad you've making as much progress as you are. This is a huge deal and I think you're handling it rather well.



They're all really pooh-pooh about it. My brother has pleased with the apartment I got, so I have that going for me.

I'm trying to work my way through my health authority's certification courses to make myself more marketable when I go to Toronto for now... Mineral and Mineral-Vitamin Supplementation, Medication Reconciliation, and now a BreastFeeding and Supplementation course. But I honestly don't mind doing low-skill jobs, it's a fabulous way to learn a new language, and even if not.. It's having a job when so many don't. I don't see shame in it.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> They're all really pooh-pooh about it. My brother has pleased with the apartment I got, so I have that going for me.
> 
> I'm trying to work my way through my health authority's certification courses to make myself more marketable when I go to Toronto for now... Mineral and Mineral-Vitamin Supplementation, Medication Reconciliation, and now a BreastFeeding and Supplementation course. But I honestly don't mind doing low-skill jobs, it's a fabulous way to learn a new language, and even if not.. *It's having a job when so many don't.* I don't see shame in it.



This right here is what matters. A job is a job.

Anyway, it's great that you're taking all those courses. Spicing up your resume with further qualifications is never a bad idea.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> This right here is what matters. A job is a job.
> 
> Anyway, it's great that you're taking all those courses. Spicing up your resume with further qualifications is never a bad idea.



You're awesome, girl  ::):  I read you're going back to school- what are you studying?

I don't know if I'll ever be able to finish formal schooling, or successfully make a career change  ::(:

----------


## MrQuiet76

I'm getting fat... and I have no energy or motivation to improve my diet or work out again  ::(:

----------


## Keddy

Seriously, I need to quit it with the comfort food. There are other ways to deal with my anxiety besides sabotaging my new diet :/
I am doomed to be fat forever.

----------


## SmileyFace

> Seriously, I need to quit it with the comfort food. There are other ways to deal with my anxiety besides sabotaging my new diet :/
> I am doomed to be fat forever.



I've been eating like a monster. Must be anxiety that's the cause cuz it's been rather high lately. And that's when I started eating horribly again.

----------


## Kesky

> Seriously, I need to quit it with the comfort food. There are other ways to deal with my anxiety besides sabotaging my new diet :/
> I am doomed to be fat forever.



no you're not doomed keddy. remember, exercise is king and diet is queen.
get that metabolism going and don't look back!   :banana guy:   :Guitarist2:   ::

----------


## Kirsebaer

have a headache.. again  ::(:

----------


## Chantellabella

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!

I hate bullies!
I hate condescending people!!
I hate mean people!!!!!

I want the right to send these people to another planet. Or even an island where they can go beat up on each other.

The truth? Bullies are cowards. They would just cower from each other if they had to face each other. 

I want to step on their tongues. 

With spikes. 

Really really hard!!!!

----------


## Chantellabella

Some people are so fucked up!!!! 


Can't we just put them all in a room and forget to feed them?

----------


## Keddy

> GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> I hate bullies!
> I hate condescending people!!
> I hate mean people!!!!!
> 
> I want the right to send these people to another planet. Or even an island where they can go beat up on each other.
> 
> The truth? Bullies are cowards. They would just cower from each other if they had to face each other. 
> ...



I agree completely with everything you just said... Why haven't they made bullying punishable by a life sentence yet? 
Did anything specific happen or are you just fed up with people in general?
 :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

> I agree completely with everything you just said... Why haven't they made bullying punishable by a life sentence yet? 
> Did anything specific happen or are you just fed up with people in general?



a bully has come out of the woodwork and i just see where nobody gives a damn that im gonna have to fight to protect myself. i thought i was done with fighting. why are bullies always given power over innocent people?

----------


## kc1895

I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress
handfull of anger, held in my chest

----------


## kc1895

> Seriously, I need to quit it with the comfort food. There are other ways to deal with my anxiety besides sabotaging my new diet :/
> I am doomed to be fat forever.



Attachment 2218

----------


## GunnyHighway

I'm a drunk piece of shit. Yay. 


*hic*

----------


## L

I don't understand it - like it makes perfect sense really - she must just not care about me really, I want her to so badly - I want to met up with her so badly but when I ask she can't and when she can she doesn't ask - I really should let her go but she is the only person I feel 100% me, she brings out the best in me, I love being with her but she makes me feel so sad and forgotten.

----------


## SmileyFace

Mom gets more and more ridiculous each day. She and dad are attending a funeral this morning, and they insist on taking my car. She claims she doesn't want to take her car because it's supposedly in such bad shape that it could easily break down. Well, that's BS because they take that car for their errands literally day and all is fine, so what's the problem? It's quite clear to me that she's scared of people at the funeral seeing her drive up in a crappy-looking car. Seems like she's like that with other Vietnamese people... she only takes my car when she goes to the Vietnamese community, then when she comes back to shop at Walmart or something, she decides to switch to her car.

This is pathetic. She doesn't like bringing me around her parents either. I apparently don't make her look good.

Gah, they're gonna use that car then bring it back with hardly any gas. They do this almost every time they use my car...

----------


## L

> Gah, they're gonna use that car then bring it back with hardly any gas. They do this almost every time they use my car...



My mum pretty much only takes my car when she cannot have her own but the gas thing drives me nuts - she will empty it and just leave it without saying anything. Dad will fill it if he takes it though.

----------


## Keddy

> a bully has come out of the woodwork and i just see where nobody gives a damn that im gonna have to fight to protect myself. i thought i was done with fighting. *why are bullies always given power over innocent people*?



*Sigh...* I hear ya loud and clear on that one, Chanty  ::(: 
If I knew the answer to that, I'd probably have suffered a lot less in my lifetime thus far.

----------


## SmileyFace

> My mum pretty much only takes my car when she cannot have her own but the gas thing drives me nuts - she will empty it and just leave it without saying anything. Dad will fill it if he takes it though.



My dad used to refill it, but not anymore.

I'm still irritated about this car thing from this morning. I was originally going to go to the funeral as well, but neither of my parents wanted me to come for whatever reason. Although, I know that my mom often feels I make her look bad and/or she hates the attention I get when we visit relatives or family friends because they rarely ever get to see me (all because my parents refuse to bring me + my brother around them).

I don't get why she is so terrified of relatives thinking we're not too well off like they are. Everyone already knows we are not better off. Everyone else has their own house, living in nice areas... and we live in a little apartment in a crappy neighborhood. If I told her to stop worrying about what other people think, she'll just throw a huge tantrum like a child, claiming I do not care about her concerns. I really don't... and I don't have the same concerns as her. I don't have a problem with pulling up to a funeral in a shitty car. A car's a car. You're at a fuckin' funeral. People are hurting. There may be folks in attendance who will care about how you arrive and what you arrive in, but who the hell cares. It's a FUNERAL.

She always somehow finds ways to make things herself, regardless of the situation/event. I just know she'll do this on the day of my graduation ceremony.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Microsoft Outlook is giving me an aneurysm.

----------


## Keddy

Found out that it wasn't just my allergies acting up, I have a viral respiratory infection, and now both my brothers and possibly my mom have caught it from me  ::(:  Man, do I feel like a douche now  ::(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

My stomach is still fairly upset. I took .5mg clonazepam last night so I could sleep. I hate taking them to sleep it's such a damn waste, but there's no way I would have slept otherwise. I don't cope well with stomach ailments (though I'm no stranger to them, I couldn't tell if this was a flu symptom or just IBS).

----------


## GunnyHighway

Should not have read that...so lonely

----------


## Kirsebaer

This morning my cat showed up with a bleeding bald spot on top of her head  ::(:  we suspect that she was attacked by a bird, maybe an owl...

----------


## Chantellabella

I wish my daughter would have been honest with me.  ::(: 

Guys, don't ever promise your parents something knowing full well you're going to back out. 

It hurts.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> I wish my daughter would have been honest with me. 
> 
> Guys, don't ever promise your parents something knowing full well you're going to back out. 
> 
> It hurts.



What happened, Cindy?

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

Man, today is not my day

----------


## L

Had only 5 hours to sleep, awakean hour early and woke at least 3 times every hour

----------


## SmileyFace

Stomach not responding too well to KFC.

----------


## Chantellabella

> What happened, Cindy?



Thank you for asking, my friend. My daughter told me she was coming with her family to my house for Easter. I was all excited that my grandkids would see my "treehouse." I got Easter eggs, Easter baskets, cookie decorating kits, toys, everything for a fun day. 

She called me on Friday to tell me she was sick and the car had trouble, so they weren't coming. I was disappointed, but understood. 

Last weekend her family and my son went with me to a Renaissance fair and my son rode with them. My youngest son came this past weekend to my house and we had a great time. But he let it slip that my daughter was talking to her husband in the car about trying to get out of coming for Easter. It's a 4 hour drive to my house, so I can see why they would want to wait till this summer. Then they will move to a closer town and will be less than 2 hours away.

But I wish my daughter would have been honest with me. I would not have spent money on a ham and dinner stuff. Or gotten the eggs for the egg hunt. Or all the Easter baskets with toys. And I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up. 

She's done this before and I just wish she would be honest, so I won't get my hopes up.

----------


## Trendsetter

> I wish my daughter would have been honest with me. 
> 
> Guys, don't ever promise your parents something knowing full well you're going to back out. 
> 
> It hurts.



 :Hug:

----------


## Member11

> Thank you for asking, my friend. My daughter told me she was coming with her family to my house for Easter. I was all excited that my grandkids would see my "treehouse." I got Easter eggs, Easter baskets, cookie decorating kits, toys, everything for a fun day. 
> 
> She called me on Friday to tell me she was sick and the car had trouble, so they weren't coming. I was disappointed, but understood. 
> 
> Last weekend her family and my son went with me to a Renaissance fair and my son rode with them. My youngest son came this past weekend to my house and we had a great time. But he let it slip that my daughter was talking to her husband in the car about trying to get out of coming for Easter. It's a 4 hour drive to my house, so I can see why they would want to wait till this summer. Then they will move to a closer town and will be less than 2 hours away.
> 
> But I wish my daughter would have been honest with me. I would not have spent money on a ham and dinner stuff. Or gotten the eggs for the egg hunt. Or all the Easter baskets with toys. And I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up. 
> 
> She's done this before and I just wish she would be honest, so I won't get my hopes up.



Awww, that wasn't nice.  ::(: 

 :Hug:   :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

Going to the doctor about my cough and sinus congestion  ::(: 
I hate going to the doctor, I'm always afraid it's going to be bad news  ::(: 
Kevin and Connor (my brothers) seem to have caught the virus from me. I was told that it's a viral respiratory infection. They don't have it as bad as I do though. I'm really scared it's going to turn into pneumonia or bronchitis  ::(:

----------


## Kirsebaer

Can't stand hearing my mom brag to our relatives about how intelligent and successful my brother is. It makes me cringe and if my brother was here he'd be pissed off. I wish she'd stop talking so much about our lives to other people altogether. The worst is that she doesn't think it comes off as braging... And my mom is the type of person who doesn't know how to take criticism at all.

----------


## L

> Can't stand hearing my mom brag to our relatives about how intelligent and successful my brother is. It makes me cringe and if my brother was here he'd be pissed off. I wish she'd stop talking so much about our lives to other people altogether. The worst is that she doesn't think it comes off as braging... And my mom is the type of person who doesn't know how to take criticism at all.



Sometimes I wish my mother would do this - I see my uncle talks highly of his kids around others, my parents might mutter something like "Oh she is doing fine" - personally, I am doing more than fine!

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Thank you for asking, my friend. My daughter told me she was coming with her family to my house for Easter. I was all excited that my grandkids would see my "treehouse." I got Easter eggs, Easter baskets, cookie decorating kits, toys, everything for a fun day. 
> 
> She called me on Friday to tell me she was sick and the car had trouble, so they weren't coming. I was disappointed, but understood. 
> 
> Last weekend her family and my son went with me to a Renaissance fair and my son rode with them. My youngest son came this past weekend to my house and we had a great time. But he let it slip that my daughter was talking to her husband in the car about trying to get out of coming for Easter. It's a 4 hour drive to my house, so I can see why they would want to wait till this summer. Then they will move to a closer town and will be less than 2 hours away.
> 
> But I wish my daughter would have been honest with me. I would not have spent money on a ham and dinner stuff. Or gotten the eggs for the egg hunt. Or all the Easter baskets with toys. And I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up. 
> 
> She's done this before and I just wish she would be honest, so I won't get my hopes up.



Oh I'm sorry that happened, Cindy. I'm sure it wasn't from a bad place, and she feels guilty about lying too but didn't want to hurt your feelings. I think communication is the best tool and perhaps having a gentle talk with her about it wouldn't hurt- that you understand if she is unable to make commitments sometimes, and she could be comfortable being honest with you. And you seem like the coolest mom and grandma (weird saying that- you're so young!)- if you were mine, I'd feel comfortable telling you anything.

----------


## Kesky

> Thank you for asking, my friend. My daughter told me she was coming with her family to my house for Easter. I was all excited that my grandkids would see my "treehouse." I got Easter eggs, Easter baskets, cookie decorating kits, toys, everything for a fun day. 
> 
> She called me on Friday to tell me she was sick and the car had trouble, so they weren't coming. I was disappointed, but understood. 
> 
> Last weekend her family and my son went with me to a Renaissance fair and my son rode with them. My youngest son came this past weekend to my house and we had a great time. But he let it slip that my daughter was talking to her husband in the car about trying to get out of coming for Easter. It's a 4 hour drive to my house, so I can see why they would want to wait till this summer. Then they will move to a closer town and will be less than 2 hours away.
> 
> But I wish my daughter would have been honest with me. I would not have spent money on a ham and dinner stuff. Or gotten the eggs for the egg hunt. Or all the Easter baskets with toys. And I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up. 
> 
> She's done this before and I just wish she would be honest, so I won't get my hopes up.



aww, that's disappointing when you get geared up like that and someone doesn't show. it sounds like you're right about the drive time. i think it was one of those things where she knew it wasn't going to work out but she hated to disappoint you and took a bit of the easy way out. like coastie says, maybe gently let her know there might be times when she'll have to tell you something you don't want to hear (like not going to Easter) but you'd rather hear it honestly and you might be disappointed at first but you'll be thankful ahe felt like she could be honest.  :Hug:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My dad's really depressed, and I resent my mother and her family.

Life sucks.

----------


## Keddy

> Thank you for asking, my friend. My daughter told me she was coming with her family to my house for Easter. I was all excited that my grandkids would see my "treehouse." I got Easter eggs, Easter baskets, cookie decorating kits, toys, everything for a fun day. 
> 
> She called me on Friday to tell me she was sick and the car had trouble, so they weren't coming. I was disappointed, but understood. 
> 
> Last weekend her family and my son went with me to a Renaissance fair and my son rode with them. My youngest son came this past weekend to my house and we had a great time. But he let it slip that my daughter was talking to her husband in the car about trying to get out of coming for Easter. It's a 4 hour drive to my house, so I can see why they would want to wait till this summer. Then they will move to a closer town and will be less than 2 hours away.
> 
> But I wish my daughter would have been honest with me. I would not have spent money on a ham and dinner stuff. Or gotten the eggs for the egg hunt. Or all the Easter baskets with toys. And I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up. 
> 
> She's done this before and I just wish she would be honest, so I won't get my hopes up.



I'm so sorry, Chanty  :Hug:   :Hug:   :Hug: 
I would never do something like that to my mom. I always try to make it show how much I love and appreciate her.
I'm sure your daughter wasn't thinking in the moment, I'm sure she wasn't trying outwardly to hurt your feelings. But that's a hard thing to have happen when you already went through the trouble of getting everything ready  ::(: 
It always sucks when people aren't honest with us, especially family members.
Do you think you could talk to her about it?
In the meantime, an idea I had about all the leftover food you prepared, could you bring it to a homeless shelter or a soup kitchen? Or invite a bunch of neighbors over for dinner? That way you're not wasting the food and you're doing good for others at the same time  ::): 
Keddy

----------


## SmileyFace

> Can't stand hearing my mom brag to our relatives about how intelligent and successful my brother is. It makes me cringe and if my brother was here he'd be pissed off. I wish she'd stop talking so much about our lives to other people altogether. The worst is that she doesn't think it comes off as braging... And my mom is the type of person who doesn't know how to take criticism at all.



My mom does this. I do volunteer work at the museum and such, but she calls it a "job." So she is telling everyone I have a job when I don't even have a job. So everyone asks me how my job is going, and it's like... what job? I tell them "it's just volunteer work," and they ask why my mom said it's a job. She's now telling everyone I'm waiting for a job up in LA to call me about whether or not I got it. I don't appreciate it because she takes all the credit for how I got to this point in my life when she didn't even do shit.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> My mom does this. I do volunteer work at the museum and such, but she calls it a "job." So she is telling everyone I have a job when I don't even have a job. So everyone asks me how my job is going, and it's like... what job? I tell them "it's just volunteer work," and they ask why my mom said it's a joke. She's now telling everyone I'm waiting for a job up in LA to call me about whether or not I got it. I don't appreciate it because she takes all the credit for how I got to this point in my life when she didn't even do shit.



Volunteering is really cool too, I would be interested in the kind of volunteer projects my relatives were doing. What kind of museum is it?

----------


## SmileyFace

Woops, I made a typo in the post. People ask her why she said it's a job, not a "joke" (lmao)

I volunteer at a historical museum as their webmaster. There's only so much I can do to the site though without revamping the entire thing: http://whittiermuseum.org/

----------


## Keddy

God damned stupid-a$$ motherfucking sonofabitch HYPOCHONDRIA and OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER!!!  ::@: 
Why does every little thing that goes on with my body have to scare me?? My anxiety needs to go to hell and take the hypochondria and OCD with it. UGH!

----------


## Rawr

Broke up with my boyfriend because he always ignored me & would rather go to events with his friends than see me or take me anywhere. He starts throwing my Bipolar disorder up in my face saying I have too much time on my & need a life. Then he gets on Facebook & posts an awful status about me that his stupid family & friends start liking. A friend of mine commented on it to defend me & they started fighting so now its gonna get physical they said. I jumped in & said not if I finish him off first so yeah... Just a huge brawl. Now I have everyone telling me to never fall in love or date again cause it always ends in fights or the cops being called. 

Sometimes I think why don't I just never breathe again? Would that be the answer to it all? -.-

But how friggen' hard is it to see your girlfriend & just let her know you love her!? That's all I ever wanted for Christ Sakes!!!!!!

----------


## Keddy

> Broke up with my boyfriend because he always ignored me & would rather go to events with his friends than see me or take me anywhere. He starts throwing my Bipolar disorder up in my face saying I have too much time on my & need a life. Then he gets on Facebook & posts an awful status about me that his stupid family & friends start liking. A friend of mine commented on it to defend me & they started fighting so now its gonna get physical they said. I jumped in & said not if I finish him off first so yeah... Just a huge brawl. Now I have everyone telling me to never fall in love or date again cause it always ends in fights or the cops being called. 
> 
> Sometimes I think why don't I just never breathe again? Would that be the answer to it all? -.-
> 
> But how friggen' hard is it to see your girlfriend & just let her know you love her!? That's all I ever wanted for Christ Sakes!!!!!!



 :Hug:   :Hug: 
Dating sucks. I'm just learning the ropes with it myself.
This guy sounds like a jerk. He has no right to comment about your Bipolar disorder like that. And posting a status about you was wrong. He seems like he's just looking for drama and attention. I'm sorry all this happened  ::(: 
But it doesn't mean you should never date again. It takes years and probably hundreds of tries to find a relationship that fits. 
And think about it this way: if he's going through all this trouble now to treat you like crap, he didn't deserve you in the first place.
Keddy

----------


## Rawr

> Dating sucks. I'm just learning the ropes with it myself.
> This guy sounds like a jerk. He has no right to comment about your Bipolar disorder like that. And posting a status about you was wrong. He seems like he's just looking for drama and attention. I'm sorry all this happened 
> But it doesn't mean you should never date again. It takes years and probably hundreds of tries to find a relationship that fits. 
> And think about it this way: if he's going through all this trouble now to treat you like crap, he didn't deserve you in the first place.
> Keddy



Thanks! Yeah he's a MAJOR attention seeker & drama person.

----------


## Koalafan

[BEEP]  ::(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Exercise is making my thigh weak again. I noticed I'm walking with a slight limp as that leg doesn't want to hold all my weight right now. This is totally fine and certainly workable, so long as it doesn't get worse and turn back into whatever the hell was wrong with it before. I don't trust this not to happen, but I'm just starting to make some progress. Stopping isn't an option. I finally do something healthy and positive, it makes me feel better and more confident and my shitty undiagnosed problem is going to ruin it. I _need_ to be able to do this.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

This hiring hoop I have to complete by tomorrow is making me sweat bullets. Timed simulations with judging on typing accuracy as well. I don't think I can even take the job if by some absolutely ridiculous miracle I make it to the next step. Why do I feel so pressured??! I am so not ready to be stressed again!

I just stress-ate the entire bag of home baked cookies my friend made me.

----------


## SmileyFace

Major boredom.

----------


## SmileyFace

Someone just said something that triggered anxiety for me.. as well as slight flashbacks. *sigh* This sucks. I had been feeling rather content and everything, then this happens.

----------


## L

I need some motivation .....were do I buy it?

----------


## SmileyFace

A bit anxious this morning. Okay, maybe not just a bit... since it's to the point where I feel I'm a bit delusional this morning. I don't even know if I'm delusional or not, but my instincts do tell me I am.... that things will truly be okay if I shift my state of mind to a more rational one. Going to do that before I meet up with my bf today.

----------


## Keddy

It's raining :/

----------


## SmileyFace

> It's raining :/



Aw I love rain  ::(:

----------


## L

Chocolate....why did I not buy chocolate

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I haven't even left and already I'm messing things up. That didn't take long. 

I should get out of my bathrobe and tackle something..

----------


## Koalafan

Going to the doc tomorrow about an ear problem I've been having  :hide:

----------


## Keddy

> Going to the doc tomorrow about an ear problem I've been having



 :Hug:  Hang in there, my friend. Doctor's appointments can be quite nerve-wracking. I'm sure you'll be fine though.

----------


## Keddy

My mom just had the TV repair guy come over and fix our TV. I have no idea what was wrong with it cuz I just got home from work but I know I didn't do it. My younger brother told the TV guy (in front of my mom, for God's sakes) "Yeah, Keddy is always hooking up his Xbox to that TV and I think he messed up the connection again."
AGAIN?! I've never messed up the cable connection. And my Xbox doesn't interfere with the cable anyway, I use an HDMI plug-in...
My mom was like, "Kevin, it wasn't Keddy." (Thank goodness) but the little sh*t insisted that I must have done something.
I can't wait until I can afford my own place. This is getting ridiculous, my teenage brother should not be able to bully me. I need an apartment ASAP.

----------


## Koalafan

> Hang in there, my friend. Doctor's appointments can be quite nerve-wracking. I'm sure you'll be fine though.



Thanks Keddy! Going to the doc in general is a nerve wracking experience...even though my GP is actually incredibly friendly and sweet. Doesn't make it that much better though!  ::(:

----------


## Keddy

This fucking cough is keeping me awake. It needs to stop.

----------


## Koalafan

I would like to personally thank my idiot manager for deciding to update my schedule informing me I work tomorrow. The schedule is suppose to update on friday, not 4 days later!

----------


## SmileyFace

Mom been asking multiple times a day if the company's gotten back to me yet on whether or not I got the job. It's driving me nuts. She doesn't understand that it takes time, and that there are multiple job candidates involved -- not just me. She just doesn't understand anything, and it's frustrating explaining to her because she likes being negative... saying if they really actually liked me, they would forget about everyone else that might have been good.

Um, no. Just no. It's easy for her to find work, on the other hand. She can go into any Vietnamese nail salon and ask for a job and they give it to here right then and there. No resume. No need to show proof of past experience and how good she is. Nothing but a license. So she thinks things work like this in every other job, especially ones that pay almost 6-figure salaries.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Today I got a friend request and a PM on Facebook from someone I haven't talk to/seen for almost a decade. We used to go to the same church. It made me feel weird. As if somehow, that puts me back in contact with my "old self", the depressed and socially anxious one... the one who was completely incapable of connecting with people because I didn't even understand who the hell I was... the one who was closeted and full of self-hatred. I don't like remembering what my life used to be like... it makes me physically sick.

----------


## Kesky

my wife's underwear. they make my levis fit better but they're uncomfortable. can't wait for mine to get out of the dryer.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Having a hard time sleeping these days. Feel exhausted when awake, unable to sleep when I try.

----------


## Keddy

I still have homework that I've been procrastinating about for a week, and I only have about two weeks left of classes...

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Still awake at 2 AM, still exhausted, still stressed. And discouraged.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Still awake at 2 AM, still exhausted, still stressed. And discouraged.



 :Hug:  i hope you'll feel better when u wake up in the morning

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> i hope you'll feel better when u wake up in the morning



Thanks kirsebaer  :Hug:  I just want to give up. I feel hopeless... anytime anything remotely stressful happens, or I have to speak to someone relatively important, I get wracking anxiety.

----------


## SmileyFace

The more I grow up, the more I can't stand my mom. And I thought I hit my major breaking points already. Well, I have... but when it involves starting a new chapter in my life by starting my career and such, things feel just as frustrating. I guess it's because I know that I'll never truly be happy until I move out of this hellhole.

I'm experiencing those days where literally almost everything she does ticks me off. Just her being around me, or at home (like right now), pisses me off. Her presence just makes me feel so uncomfortable. The sound of her voice (doesn't help that she talks pretty loud) ticks me off.

She's going to go off the deep end when I move out because I'm going to be avoiding contact with her as much as possible. That's going to break her, and a part of me doesn't want that to happen, but at the same time... I don't even care. This is what happens when you treat your kids like absolute [BEEP] their whole lives.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Another awkward interview. I was so. Damn. Awkward.

I was talking about Thomas the train at one point.

You think I'm kidding. I'm not.

----------


## Keddy

> Another awkward interview. I was so. Damn. Awkward.
> 
> I was talking about Thomas the train at one point.
> 
> You think I'm kidding. I'm not.



I'm so sorry, Inane  ::(: 
I guess my advice was a fail then... I'm sorry. My fault.
 :Hug:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> I'm so sorry, Inane 
> I guess my advice was a fail then... I'm sorry. My fault.



Ah sweetie why would you be at fault for my social retardness? This has been like, the most awkward week of my entire life.

And I've had a lot of awkward weeks.

This beats out everything. Even the time I allegedly drunk-molested a friend's boyfriend while his parents and little sister were at home, was kicked out with my shoes thrown at me, and banned from there for life. And then to see him again the following days.

----------


## Keddy

I am in such a horrible, shitty mood today. My brother had a friend over and they were being extremely loud so at one point I yelled down the stairs "SHUT UP!!!" at the top of my lungs and my dad came in and yelled at me for it. I don't know what my dad has up his a$$ but he really hates me.
I was at an event at my college earlier and my friends and I were running around shooting each other with water guns, that was hilarious, but as soon as I got home I was bored and irritated. I can't wait to move out of my parents' house. AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH...

----------


## Keddy

> Ah sweetie why would you be at fault for my social retardness? This has been like, the most awkward week of my entire life.
> 
> And I've had a lot of awkward weeks.
> 
> This beats out everything. Even the time I allegedly drunk-molested a friend's boyfriend while his parents and little sister were at home, was kicked out with my shoes thrown at me, and banned from there for life. And then to see him again the following days.



Awh I'm sorry your week is sucking so badly  ::(: 
You're not socially retarded. If anything, I am, LOL. Every day is an awkward day for me. Glad my advice wasn't a problem though.
How did Thomas the Train come up then? LOL I'm curious.

----------


## Koalafan

My freaking allergies!!!!

----------


## Keddy

I know I post dumb complaints in this thread a lot but *this is really, really serious*  ::(: 
I was prescribed a nasal spray called Afrin for my respiratory infection. For the past few days since I've been on it, I've had trouble smelling and tasting things. I could still taste a little bit and I was still eating but now I can't smell or taste anything at all. My sense of smell is completely knocked out.
My dad told me to try putting cayenne pepper in my mouth to see if I could taste that. It's extremely spicy. *I couldn't taste the hot cayenne pepper.*
I called my doctor's office and told them what was going on and they said that it's a very, very unusual side effect but some people who have used Afrin have permanently lost their sense of smell and taste  ::(: 
I'm really upset right now. I don't know what I'll do if I can never taste anything again  ::'(:  It's a really horrible thing to lose a major sense  ::'(:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Did you guys hear about the gold presented to me on a silver platter?

I took the platter. Wait, that's not right. I'm being handed gold on a silver platter and not only am I not taking the gold, I'm flipping the platter over and running away.

Hi, NHL playoffs. Look like it'll be quality time between you and me while I go broke with no job.

----------


## Kesky

> Did you guys hear about the gold presented to me on a silver platter?
> 
> I took the platter. Wait, that's not right. I'm being handed gold on a silver platter and not only am I not taking the gold, I'm flipping the platter over and running away.
> 
> Hi, NHL playoffs. Look like it'll be quality time between you and me while I go broke with no job.



scratch what i said. i just got on and hadn't gotten the full scoop   :Hug:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

The fact that I'm being offered a job with a ton of hours, good pay, two chances for raises within 9 months of employment, and the nicest boss in the goddamn world... and I'm forced to say no because I'm a headcase.

Also just a quick correction, one of my old bosses is probably on the same nicecess scale as this guy. I forgot about him because he was only my boss for about three or four months (another guy took over, and then I left after that for unrelated reasons).
-

My allergies are killing me, and I can't seem to stomach food right now.

----------


## Kesky

rain

----------


## Kesky

> The fact that I'm being offered a job with a ton of hours, good pay, two chances for raises within 9 months of employment, and the nicest boss in the goddamn world... and I'm forced to say no because I'm a headcase.
> 
> Also just a quick correction, one of my old bosses is probably on the same nicecess scale as this guy. I forgot about him because he was only my boss for about three or four months (another guy took over, and then I left after that for unrelated reasons).
> -
> 
> My allergies are killing me, and I can't seem to stomach food right now.



 :Hug: 

maybe in the process of writing your email response things will settle.

you might try writing a response for yourself first saying everything you'd like to say but don't feel is appropriate to be sent to the company?  just a thought.

 :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

Something really weird happened on FB today. Some psycho girl who's friends with a guy who worked with me in Denmark contacted me wanting to share "funny stories" and a video of him.. what the [BEEP]?
She had tried to contact me back in February at first but since that's my old FB profile which I rarely log into, I hadn't seen her message before

----------


## Keddy

> Something really weird happened on FB today. Some psycho girl who's friends with a guy who worked with me in Denmark contacted me wanting to share "funny stories" and a video of him.. what the [BEEP]?
> She had tried to contact me back in February at first but since that's my old FB profile which I rarely log into, I hadn't seen her message before



Aw jeez, Kirse, she does sound kinda psycho-ish... WTF...
Does this girl even know you? This is why I don't have a Facebook page. I'm paranoid about who can get access to pics and videos of me and what they might do with them  :shake: 
I couldn't really understand her English, was she making fun of him or was she just being an obsessive stalker?? Either way, she's crossing boundaries and the whole concept of her wanting to share funny stories and a video of someone without their permission is just... _icky._

----------


## Keddy

Really crap weather today. It's making me feel lazy, depressed, and unmotivated :/
I'm supposed to go to a concert today with my friends and it's outside, and it hasn't been cancelled or rained out yet, so that's good. But this weather is making me feel really bleh. Hopefully by tonight I'll feel better because I'm supposed to go clubbing. LOL

----------


## SmileyFace

> Something really weird happened on FB today. Some psycho girl who's friends with a guy who worked with me in Denmark contacted me wanting to share "funny stories" and a video of him.. what the [BEEP]?
> She had tried to contact me back in February at first but since that's my old FB profile which I rarely log into, I hadn't seen her message before



^WTF lol o_O if that wasn't considered super random and super weird, then I don't know what is...
Did you say anything else afterwards?


And... I feel super anxious this morning. Taking something my BF said yday to heart... a joke he made. It stung a tiny bit the second I heard it, but at the same time... it was a bit funny. I don't know. He seems to like making jokes about stuff that have otherwise been considered serious or whatever in my life, all to try to make me laugh and recover from what had happened in the past. But sometimes, my PTSD-ness kicks in and it's all a different story. This especially happens right when my PMS cycle for the month begins, 1-2 weeks before my actual period starts. It's supposed to start next week as well, and I do notice my mood changing and everything already before my eyes. More anxious and on-edge compared to the last 2 weeks or so.

I'm trying to tell myself he didn't mean any harm... especially when it's not like he pulls away from me when we hang out (or even during the week on days we don't see each other). This used to be the case before, for the first 3 yrs or whatever of our relationship... because I was always the one acting all distant and weird, or "using" him for emotional support and not being there for him (without meaning to), all of which pushed him away. And then I'd freak out after all the talks and arguments we had, and desperately want him to stay - which never made sense to him because I was always distant or making things all about me.

But.. things definitely changed after we broke up. We got together and I knew I didn't want things to mess up again. So I had been a totally different person, which he had pointed out time and time again as well. I guess I've gotten less anxious or paranoid around him, because he seems to have gotten more comfortable around me... to the point where he'd joke about things that sting a bit first, but then later I realize it really is kinda funny. Thing is, sometimes it's funny, but other times.. it's not at all.

Overall, aside from those jokes, I feel as if I'm never "going with the flow" within this relationship. This applies to just about every other kind of relationship I have going on with people. I'm always watching what I do and say still, making sure I do and say all the right stuff. I just cannot stand seeing another relationship of mine go down the drain, especially this relationship with my BF. We already had a major breakup last summer... I don't want things to go wrong again because of something I do or do not do. Sometimes I feel like I'm a total dick. I rarely say "thank you" to people I'm close to. It's hard for me to show appreciation for something they do for me, regardless of how glad I am they did x, y, and z for me. I'd feel embarrassed because I'm not used to people being so genuinely nice to me, especially since I spend 90% of my time at home with my shitty parents. I never really said "Thank you" to my boyfriend for all the things he's done for me, and this bothered him a lot months ago. We went cruising for 4-5 hours on Wednesday, driving from OC to San Diego (almost 100 miles of driving to get there). It was his idea since we didn't have anything else to do. It was pretty fun, but by the time we reached San Diego I saw I was almost out of gas, and he offered to pay for the gas. I preferred I put it on my card, because that'd be a lot of money since gas prices are rather high recently in SoCal. But he said he wanted to pay because it was his idea to come out this far, so.. I agreed. I was very thankful for that because I don't have much money at all, and paying $30-40 in gas would have made a big dent in my bank account. So that was great. It sucks he paid so much on his end though, but... that's what happens when either of us decide to go that far lol beats having no gas at all and being stuck almost 100 miles away from home. So ... after a little while, I remembered I had to say "Thank you." As weird as it sounds, it was hard for me to say it. It's so awkward just saying it. People rarely do stuff for me, so I never have too much of a reason to say "Thank you," so it was a bit of a struggle (so sad). But -- I said it. I'm sure he was able to tell it was a hard thing to actually say it, but I could tell he was glad I said "Thank you," esp since it was sure a lot of money to pay. In fact, I ended up saying "Thank you" twice that day for the gas. I said it again some time later that night as well. So ya, I'm so glad I said it... otherwise, that would have been downright awful. If I paid for someone's gas, especially putting in $30-40, a "Thank you" definitely goes a long way.

But ya... I feel as if there's a lot more I could do in this relationship, but I still find myself holding back a bit. Thing is, I wasn't like this when my parents and brother were out of the country. It was so much easier to be myself around my BF when I had the place all to myself for almost a month. For some reason, being home w my parents makes me a totally different person, even though they have no part in our relationship. They don't even know we're together, mind you. It's so strange... and it bothers me. This makes me even more desperate to move out. I was indeed a totally different person without them around. I was able to interact with all sorts of people everywhere I went. But when they're here... I come home experiencing anxiety.. and leave the house with anxiety. It makes no sense. I guess it's just the fact that the way things are at home has a bigger impact on me than I thought. But... I want to keep fighting that. I want to be the different person I was when they weren't here, all while they're here. But I don't get why it's so hard  ::(:  I don't want to continue being on-edge around my BF. I rarely took anything to heart when my parents were gone... and it was the best we got along in... like, ever. It was amazing. And I want to experience that again  ::\:  I'm so tired of being anxious and on-edge around him and others.

It's so draining.

*Sorry this was so long  God, this was like a journal entry. I might as well copy and paste this into my online journal. I really needed to get this out. I really needed to get to the bottom of things before I freak out even more over some joke, or anything in general.*

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> maybe in the process of writing your email response things will settle.
> 
> you might try writing a response for yourself first saying everything you'd like to say but don't feel is appropriate to be sent to the company?  just a thought.



I sent it to my interviewer this morning, just telling him my interest and admiration for his company was genuine. But I thought hard and in my present circumstances, another position was better suited for me. Told him to get some rest, best wishes, that the Canucks will indeed make the playoffs next year. Also joked about the Thomas the Train thing, and telling him I thought he was soooooo nice.

^Jen, I am interested to read about your life too. I hope you keep sharing with us. And I made an entire thread dedicated to myself so don't you think it's self-absorbed.

----------


## Kesky

> I sent it to my interviewer this morning, just telling him my interest and admiration for his company was genuine. But I thought hard and in my present circumstances, another position was better suited for me. Told him to get some rest, best wishes, that the Canucks will indeed make the playoffs next year. Also joked about the Thomas the Train thing, and telling him I thought he was soooooo nice.
> 
> ^Jen, I am interested to read about your life too. I hope you keep sharing with us. And I made an entire thread dedicated to myself so don't you think it's self-absorbed.



you're taking care of yourself. we should all be so self-honoring.

----------


## Keddy

Just found out that I really have permanently lost my sense of smell  ::(: 
What the f*ck. Why are doctors allowed to prescribe stuff that can do that to people?! I'm so damn angry right now.
I'm going to have to learn to eat only for texture now, since I can't fucking taste anything anymore  ::'(:  Goodbye, chocolate  ::'(: 
This is one of the worst days of my entire life.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> you're taking care of yourself. we should all be so self-honoring.



It feels overly indulgent. But the definition of insanity is trying something over and over again despite it not working.

This time, I shall try something different. Engage myself in something that _helps_ me sleep better, not makes me lose sleep.

----------


## SmileyFace

> ^Jen, I am interested to read about your life too. I hope you keep sharing with us. And I made an entire thread dedicated to myself so don't you think it's self-absorbed.



Oy, I wouldn't know where to start. I feel like I have multiple issues going on in my life that it'd be one major random thread lol, except... technically, all these issues all tie together somehow *shrug*

----------


## Keddy

Today has been such a shitty day.
I already posted this half a million times, but I may have lost my sense of smell. For good.
I'm still sick and I've had this virus for weeks.
The weather sucks.
I have severe arachnophobia. I went to the store earlier and there was a big-a$$ fucking spider on my car window and I was too much of a wuss to pull over and kill it. I freaked out the whole way home (literally in tears and shaking) and then had my mom get rid of it.
I was supposed to go to a concert with some college buddies and it got rained out. Ugh.
I'm going to a club tonight with my friends and I'm feeling horrible anxiety about it. I think my agoraphobia is coming back, since I spend so much time hiding away from people. My social anxiety has kicked into full gear; my brain is pleading with me to stay in tonight but my heart wants me to go with my friends...
I've never really had good friends before so I've been easing myself into it, but I still feel sort of weird about it. I hate, hate, hate having social anxiety.
What was that kids' book called, "So-and-So and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day"?
Well, I'm having one of those days.

----------


## SmileyFace

My mom never fails to piss me off so badly. Our family friends were planning to throw a graduation party for me. Very sweet of them. But... my mom somehow felt threatened by this (even though she's automatically invited to the grad party anyway), and claimed today that I no longer want to go. Totally false. And now, they don't want to go forth with the party anymore and waste their time in case I absolutely don't come at all. They don't want this crap to go back and forth.

My mom claims she just doesn't want the family friends to deal with cleanups and whatnot. Bullshit. They have parties there all the time. I know she is just being fuckin' selfish and doesn't want me to experience something nice. I invited a friend to the graduation ceremony. My mom is hoping the girl doesn't come. She keeps asking me why I don't care about her when it comes to me graduating.

What? You're invited to the ceremony. WHAT THE [BEEP] IS THE FUCKIN PROBLEM?

If you don't like how I'm doing things, then don't fuckin come to my ceremony then. I'd rather she not go at all. I don't want her to be a part of anything in my life... or my life now. I know that sounds so sad, but fuck, man. I cannot deal with this [BEEP] anymore. It's time I make my own decisions... let me have a little fun. I hardly have any nice things, so why can't I experience such a thing once in a while?  ::(:  She even had the nerve to say "Well, you can't always have nice things. I didn't have any nice things when I was your age."

[BEEP] you, bitch. If only she understood how much anxiety and stress I deal with on a daily basis... I think for someone like that, they deserve a little party, you know? Plus, nobody's ever thrown me a party before.

----------


## Keddy

> My mom never fails to piss me off so badly. Our family friends were planning to throw a graduation party for me. Very sweet of them. But... my mom somehow felt threatened by this (even though she's automatically invited to the grad party anyway), and claimed today that I no longer want to go. Totally false. And now, they don't want to go forth with the party anymore and waste their time in case I absolutely don't come at all. They don't want this crap to go back and forth.
> 
> My mom claims she just doesn't want the family friends to deal with cleanups and whatnot. Bullshit. They have parties there all the time. I know she is just being fuckin' selfish and doesn't want me to experience something nice. I invited a friend to the graduation ceremony. My mom is hoping the girl doesn't come. She keeps asking me why I don't care about her when it comes to me graduating.
> 
> What? You're invited to the ceremony. WHAT THE [BEEP] IS THE FUCKIN PROBLEM?
> 
> If you don't like how I'm doing things, then don't fuckin come to my ceremony then. I'd rather she not go at all. I don't want her to be a part of anything in my life... or my life now. I know that sounds so sad, but fuck, man. I cannot deal with this [BEEP] anymore. It's time I make my own decisions... let me have a little fun. I hardly have any nice things, so why can't I experience such a thing once in a while?  She even had the nerve to say "Well, you can't always have nice things. I didn't have any nice things when I was your age."
> 
> [BEEP] you, bitch. If only she understood how much anxiety and stress I deal with on a daily basis... I think for someone like that, they deserve a little party, you know? Plus, nobody's ever thrown me a party before.



That really sucks  ::(:  
I'm so sorry  :Hug: 
Btw you can borrow my mom anytime, LOL. She's an artist and she used to be a Hippie. She's hilarious and a big sweetheart. She's like my best friend.
You deserve a mom like my mom. There's no need for you to go through all that.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Life in general. 02:00 AM, can't sleep, I'm sad.

----------


## Keddy

Hung over, embarrassed, and sore.
Also I woke up in my new bf's dorm room and forgot where the hell I was for a while, that was a bit unsettling.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Aw jeez, Kirse, she does sound kinda psycho-ish... WTF...
> Does this girl even know you? This is why I don't have a Facebook page. I'm paranoid about who can get access to pics and videos of me and what they might do with them 
> I couldn't really understand her English, was she making fun of him or was she just being an obsessive stalker?? Either way, she's crossing boundaries and the whole concept of her wanting to share funny stories and a video of someone without their permission is just... _icky._







> ^WTF lol o_O if that wasn't considered super random and super weird, then I don't know what is...
> Did you say anything else afterwards?



It was very random indeed  ::D:  I talked to Martin and he begged me not watch the video she wanted to send me. I told him I didn't have the video and I didn't wanna watch it. He didn't explain what was going on, he just said it was a long story. I said that if she's sending out private videos of him he should go to the Police. I don't know what he's gonna do but I'm not interested in whatever is going on between those two, tbh. I worked with this guy but I barely know him. Anyway, I ended up having to block her cause she wouldn't stop writing me  :Tongue:  crazy [BEEP]!

----------


## SmileyFace

> That really sucks  
> I'm so sorry 
> Btw you can borrow my mom anytime, LOL. She's an artist and she used to be a Hippie. She's hilarious and a big sweetheart. She's like my best friend.
> You deserve a mom like my mom. There's no need for you to go through all that.



Thank you keddy. Your mom definitely sounds interesting. I wish my mom was like this; the woman barely has any friends or hobbies. 

It's dumb how she told our family friends I dont want to do this party, and then tells me she wants to throw a 'party' -- but will just involve her and dad, my brother, and me. She said she wants to get me a cake too...something our family friends were going to do.

This is nothing more than manipulation and pure selfishness. She wants to take credit for something and will later use this little party to guilt trip me about stuff, esp when she cries about me not caring about her. She had done this so many times in the past. She would [BEEP] and complain about how much money it cost her to "go out of her way to do something nice for me" even though I didnt ask for it or told her she doesnt need to do this.

Its a vicious cycle  ::(:  I feel she is going to do this little party whether or not I want it. Then continue to be the piece of [BEEP] she is.

Things are getting more and more unbearable at home  ::(:  I really hope I got that one job... so I can move out asap

----------


## L

I hope itunes and my ipod will start working now

----------


## Keddy

> Thank you keddy. Your mom definitely sounds interesting. I wish my mom was like this; the woman barely has any friends or hobbies. 
> 
> It's dumb how she told our family friends I dont want to do this party, and then tells me she wants to throw a 'party' -- but will just involve her and dad, my brother, and me. She said she wants to get me a cake too...something our family friends were going to do.
> 
> This is nothing more than manipulation and pure selfishness. She wants to take credit for something and will later use this little party to guilt trip me about stuff, esp when she cries about me not caring about her. She had done this so many times in the past. She would [BEEP] and complain about how much money it cost her to "go out of her way to do something nice for me" even though I didnt ask for it or told her she doesnt need to do this.
> 
> Its a vicious cycle  I feel she is going to do this little party whether or not I want it. Then continue to be the piece of [BEEP] she is.
> 
> Things are getting more and more unbearable at home  I really hope I got that one job... *so I can move out asap*



You're welcome.
I'm in the same boat as you are with that last part that I bolded... I need desperately to get the heck out of my parents' house. But it's not my mom that's the problem, it's my brother. He is from hell.
Things are a little unbearable for me at home too.

----------


## SmileyFace

> You're welcome.
> I'm in the same boat as you are with that last part that I bolded... I need desperately to get the heck out of my parents' house. But it's not my mom that's the problem, it's my brother. He is from hell.
> Things are a little unbearable for me at home too.



That really sucks  ::(:  Ya I seen your posts on here about him. Has he always been hellish?

----------


## Keddy

> That really sucks  Ya I seen your posts on here about him. Has he always been hellish?



I think he learned to bully me as soon as he learned to talk. Little prick.  ::@: 
I'm closest with my mom, as far as family goes, but my dad is decent, he just doesn't understand me and therefore he tolerates me. My older brother can be a bit of a jackass but he's not nearly as bad as the younger one. The younger one is enough of a reason for me to get my own place.

----------


## Kesky

> My mom never fails to piss me off so badly. Our family friends were planning to throw a graduation party for me. Very sweet of them. But... my mom somehow felt threatened by this (even though she's automatically invited to the grad party anyway), and claimed today that I no longer want to go. Totally false. And now, they don't want to go forth with the party anymore and waste their time in case I absolutely don't come at all. They don't want this crap to go back and forth.
> 
> My mom claims she just doesn't want the family friends to deal with cleanups and whatnot. Bullshit. They have parties there all the time. I know she is just being fuckin' selfish and doesn't want me to experience something nice. I invited a friend to the graduation ceremony. My mom is hoping the girl doesn't come. She keeps asking me why I don't care about her when it comes to me graduating.
> 
> What? You're invited to the ceremony. WHAT THE [BEEP] IS THE FUCKIN PROBLEM?
> 
> If you don't like how I'm doing things, then don't fuckin come to my ceremony then. I'd rather she not go at all. I don't want her to be a part of anything in my life... or my life now. I know that sounds so sad, but fuck, man. I cannot deal with this [BEEP] anymore. It's time I make my own decisions... let me have a little fun. I hardly have any nice things, so why can't I experience such a thing once in a while?  She even had the nerve to say "Well, you can't always have nice things. I didn't have any nice things when I was your age."
> 
> [BEEP] you, bitch. If only she understood how much anxiety and stress I deal with on a daily basis... I think for someone like that, they deserve a little party, you know? Plus, nobody's ever thrown me a party before.



can you talk to the family friends? maybe you can still have the party. it's your party. hope it works out for you.

----------


## SmileyFace

> can you talk to the family friends? maybe you can still have the party. it's your party. hope it works out for you.



Actually, they called me after I left the gym minutes ago. Long story short, the party's on.. whether or not my mom likes it *evil grin*

Needless to say, she is just as pissed off right now. Whatever. Not my problem.

----------


## Koalafan

Random up and down mood shifts. One minute I feel fine, the other I feel horrible. Why can't it just stay in one place??

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Having to make unpleasant phone calls tomorrow.

----------


## Keddy

:shake: 
That play I went to see with new bf was absolutely TERRIFYING with a massive capital letter T. It was FULL OF TRIGGERS.
O...M...G   0_0
It was an adaptation of an ancient Greek tragedy but was set in this creepy, trippy post-apocalyptic world. There were scary gas masks, tons of blood, screaming dying women, a rape scene, a (fake) mutilated dead baby, a fifteen-minute scene involving a terrifying, possessed psychopath, a lot of gore, very real thunder and lightning effects, several graphic onstage deaths, and a horrifying soundtrack with really menacing music.
And that was all just the first act.
My heart rate shot up about ten minutes into the show and my heart continued to race like a motherfucker for the whole rest of the thing. I got shaky and I even cried a little.
I felt bad because we were sitting in the front row and there was pretty literally no escape. Not unless we wanted to be rude and walk in front of six rows of people. I covered my eyes a lot, I know, what a big baby... Oy... 
New bf felt truly horrible for traumatizing me, and explained that if he'd known the play was this graphic, we would've stayed in and had movie night instead. He held my hand the whole time (I hope no one noticed) and kept telling me it was OK- "Shh, Keddy, it's OK. It's fake."
Oy.
I'm sleeping over with him again tonight and I am making damn sure that his body does not move one inch away from mine until the morning. I already know what nightmares are in store for me. Probably more like night terrors  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

BF insisted he sign off skype so I could go sleep because I seemed sleepy. I felt offended for no fuckin reason. I kept thinking "Ok, he doesn't want to talk to me." When that is absolutely false. I am tired/sleepy, but since I wanted to keep talking to him, I claimed I'm not tired. But he knows me pretty well to figure I am sleepy/tired, even online (especially since my responses were rather brief to his long msgs about his school projects and all). So it makes sense to let me go sleep. But no, instead... I felt hurt and offended, feeling as if I did something wrong, when I KNOW that is not the case at all.

So pathetic. So hard trying to keep a more rational state of mind; this is what's most frustrating.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

The fact that I'm still conscious at 1AM. I should hop into bed an hope I can remedy that without having to wait two hours and potentially cry a little before I can finally fall asleep. :/

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> The fact that I'm still conscious at 1AM. I should hop into bed an hope I can remedy that without having to wait two hours and potentially cry a little before I can finally fall asleep. :/



Banana, I've been worried about you. You should log onto chat sometime.. I think talking things over helps *hugs*

----------


## Koalafan

Can't fucking shake this depression

----------


## Kirsebaer

Sucks when my gf and I are PMSing at the same time. We had an argument on Skype which culminated in her suddenly cutting me off and saying "_Ok I'm really tired and I want to sleep now. Bye_" and hanging up without saying "I love you", which made cry like a fucking loser. Great way to end an already awful day  ::'(:

----------


## Misssy

Due to once having health coverage and good jobs  ... dentist said "you have very few fillings" after initially inspecting me... upon leaving was shown on a piece of paper that they are going to schedule me for 7 fillings   ::(:    One a deep one.   ::(:   ::(:     And it's going to cost me over 1,000 even after insurance pays their part  ::(:   ::(:  

I have 7 cavities that need to be fixed. And somebody recently screwed me over and it cost me about $1,000.00 wiped out my savings. 

This is not a fun thing. I am not smiling.

----------


## Keddy

> Sucks when my gf and I are PMSing at the same time. We had an argument on Skype which culminated in her suddenly cutting me off and saying "_Ok I'm really tired and I want to sleep now. Bye_" and hanging up without saying "I love you", which made cry like a fucking loser. Great way to end an already awful day



 :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

My mom just texted me and was like "KENDALL WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?? I AM WORRIED" in all caps like that, when I've told her at least 10 times today that I'm with my bf and that I'm not coming home tonight because I have school tomorrow and he lives on campus. I'm in a serious relationship now and I have no desire to be home. I'm trying to move back onto campus next semester.
I'm not really upset with my mom, I'm just annoyed that I can't have any freedom. I'm almost 21, I should be allowed to stay with my boyfriend for a few days at a time without having my mother worry that I was kidnapped and thrown in a ditch on the side of the highway somewhere.

----------


## Koalafan

> Sucks when my gf and I are PMSing at the same time. We had an argument on Skype which culminated in her suddenly cutting me off and saying "_Ok I'm really tired and I want to sleep now. Bye_" and hanging up without saying "I love you", which made cry like a fucking loser. Great way to end an already awful day



 ::(:  *hugs Kirse tightly*  :Hug:  So sorry you had to go through something like that  :Rain: :

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Sucks when my gf and I are PMSing at the same time. We had an argument on Skype which culminated in her suddenly cutting me off and saying "_Ok I'm really tired and I want to sleep now. Bye_" and hanging up without saying "I love you", which made cry like a fucking loser. Great way to end an already awful day



 ::(:   :Hug:  We love you, Kirsebaer. I'm sure your girlfriend does too- She probably felt terrible about hurting you.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> 







> *hugs Kirse tightly*  So sorry you had to go through something like that :







> We love you, Kirsebaer. I'm sure your girlfriend does too- She probably felt terrible about hurting you.



I love you guys too and you guys are too awesome, for real  :Heart:   :Hug:  Anxiety Space is my safe haven.
My hormones are all over the place today  ::(: 
My girlfriend just texted me on Whatsapp and we both apologized and now everything is back to normal, so that's good. Now I can have a peaceful night of sleep (I really need that cause my day totally sucked)  :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

Can't stop thinking so negatively.

----------


## Keddy

Ugggh I should not have eaten that much :/ Staying on a diet is so fucking difficult. It makes me want to cry.
My bf got takeout food and I demolished it :/ I hate being overweight but I just can't control myself.
I've already lost 6 pounds but it's only a matter of time before I gain it all back. I can't win.

----------


## SmileyFace

> Ugggh I should not have eaten that much :/ Staying on a diet is so fucking difficult. It makes me want to cry.
> My bf got takeout food and I demolished it :/ I hate being overweight but I just can't control myself.
> I've already lost 6 pounds but it's only a matter of time before I gain it all back. I can't win.



Is it cravings or extreme hungry from having to eat less than you're used to? Or both? I feel your pain  ::(:

----------


## enfield

im always thinking about mexicans. at first it kind of started as a joke with myself, to jump from liking one mexican to liking them all, but the more i thought about mexicans the more i kept on liking them, and soon i wasn't trying to think about them, it was just that they were all i wanted to think about, and nothing else even came close. in fact i saw it as betraying the mexicans and my devotion to them to think of anyone else. so even if i wanted to i'd start feeling the guilt and then switch to mexicans and feel better and like things were right that way. this is how me being gay started out too, just as a joke with myself, but then it got to be so obvious that it was more than just some joke and i couldn't just keep on saying it was that anymore. because i didn't want to think about girls anymore i could only think about guys and not really help myself from it and i felt all this guilt if i even felt myself seeing a girl in the slightest nonplatonic way. the same is happening with mexicans and im to the point now that i can't say it's all a joke because i can't help but think of them anymore.

----------


## Keddy

> Is it cravings or extreme hungry from having to eat less than you're used to? Or both? I feel your pain



Both  ::(:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Intense loneliness. Even though there's no difference in the texting frequency I have with my brother and best friends, it feels... different. In Vancouver, I knew they were nearby and I knew where to find them. Now, if I have a bad day, there's no one to give me a hug.

Maybe I can rent somewhere to live alone while in Vancouver? Vancouver is most definitely a lot better than Montreal.

----------


## Kesky

> I love you guys too and you guys are too awesome, for real   Anxiety Space is my safe haven.
> My hormones are all over the place today 
> My girlfriend just texted me on Whatsapp and we both apologized and now everything is back to normal, so that's good. Now I can have a peaceful night of sleep (I really need that cause my day totally sucked)



glad you ended the day on a good note, kirsebaer  ::):

----------


## Kesky

> Intense loneliness. Even though there's no difference in the texting frequency I have with my brother and best friends, it feels... different. In Vancouver, I knew they were nearby and I knew where to find them. Now, if I have a bad day, there's no one to give me a hug.
> 
> Maybe I can rent somewhere to live alone while in Vancouver? Vancouver is most definitely a lot better than Montreal.



 :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## orb

The fact I get socially anxious while playing chess online with players from another  forum. So far not lost but feel like I have to prove my worth for some reason.

----------


## Rawr

Guys that want to talk like I'm something special only to get in my pants. Honestly sick of it.  ::

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

The fact that I always forget I HAVE A NEW NUMBER. When leaving a message with someone, I always remember at the last moment, "Oops I haven't memorized it yet! I have to check!" And I fumble around awkwardly trying to find it... takes alll the professionalism away from it LOL.

My last message left: "[...] My number is... wait, what is my number? I have to look for it." FACEPALM.

----------


## Snoopy

I have struggled with anxiety for over ten years. Around 2008 though something happened and I became completely agoraphobic. I do not take any meds because I don't want to live doped up. I hear too many horror stories of people getting addicted to meds only for it to not help. Just to make things worse in the long run. I'm sick if people giving me advice as to what I should try it do for my illness. I have almost learned to accept it for what it is. At least for now. I'm sick if trying only to end up disappointing someone or myself. It usually ends up with me taking a step backwards with the anxiety. This disease sucks YES, but what can I do?

----------


## Snoopy

> The fact I get socially anxious while playing chess online with players from another  forum. So far not lost but feel like I have to prove my worth for some reason.



Are you close with people on the game forum? I notice if im close with people im gaming i feel like that but if im randomly playing games with people with no pressure and wont talk to them again i dont feel that way.

----------


## orb

> Are you close with people on the game forum? I notice if im close with people im gaming i feel like that but if im randomly playing games with people with no pressure and wont talk to them again i dont feel that way.



I'm not close with them - it doesn't seem to matter whether it's someone I know or not when it comes to something like chess. Regular video games are more enjoyable with people I know - don't really get anxious. No voice chat in MP games with strangers though!  :O_O:

----------


## Keddy

I know I'm losing weight but I really hate dieting. I just want to eat constantly  ::(:  It's so depressing. I'm freaking hungry ALL THE TIME  ::(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Okay, time for me to stop using my front teeth for opening things and such. _Permanently_. They're jewels, not tools, yeah yeah lesson learned. Anybody want the rest of my sunflower seeds (in the shell)? Because apparently I just chipped my damn tooth trying to open one! Â¬_Â¬

I think it was just the last straw for my tooth, but still. I will have to ditch the sunflower seeds. I'd use my fingernails to open more things, but they're so brittle they just bend backwards and tear off (a delightful symptom of iron deficiency). Looks like I'll have to have scissors handy from now on. The chip is hardly noticeable but I can't afford to have it sanded down so I'm gonna have to be really careful or I'll make it worse.

----------


## SmileyFace

I didn't get the job  ::(:

----------


## Koalafan

> I didn't get the job



Im sorry smiley  ::(:   :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

> I didn't get the job



I'm so sorry  :Hug: 
Keep trying. Don't give up. Another opportunity will come along.

----------


## Keddy

Just. Ate. An. Entire. Fucking. Chocolate bar. And a fucking Big Mac. And fucking potato chips. And a fucking beer. I give up. No more diet. I'm always going to be fat, WTF.  :hit wall: 
I surrender!  :yield: 
I kinda wonder if I have an eating disorder.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> I didn't get the job



I'm sorry, Jen *hugs* But it took them a long time to make the decision, so that means it was a really close call. You were a prime candidate for a professional job in your field, and you're not even officially done school yet. You did amazing.. There will be more opportunities.

----------


## SmileyFace

> I'm sorry, Jen *hugs* But it took them a long time to make the decision, so that means it was a really close call. You were a prime candidate for a professional job in your field, and you're not even officially done school yet. You did amazing.. There will be more opportunities.



I'm actually done with school. I have my degree already. I just have the ceremony left to attend (I graduated in the fall, rather than spring.. a time where majority of people graduate). Even then, for someone who just got out of college and hardly has much experience, I suppose it is nice that I was a prime candidate for a professional job in my field.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> I'm actually done with school. I have my degree already. I just have the ceremony left to attend (I graduated in the fall, rather than spring.. a time where majority of people graduate). Even then, for someone who just got out of college and hardly has much experience, I suppose it is nice that I was a prime candidate for a professional job in my field.



I feel like you're just on the precipice of something big! Keep at it  ::):

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> I'm actually done with school. I have my degree already. I just have the ceremony left to attend (I graduated in the fall, rather than spring.. a time where majority of people graduate). Even then, *for someone who just got out of college and hardly has much experience, I suppose it is nice that I was a prime candidate for a professional job in my field.*



Seems like a good sign to me even if this particular opportunity didn't work out. I'm sure you'll get something relatively soon, keep it up.  ::):

----------


## SmileyFace

Thanks you guys.

While I'm happy I'm at least gonna have an internship, it just bugs me that I won't be moving out just yet *sigh* Can't stand it here at home. I was so excited about moving out and being away from my parents. I still wouldn't be able to afford to move out, even with this paid internship.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Ha, I'm sure you're eager to put a little distance between you and your mother. You're on your way to achieving that goal, it's just a matter of time—hang in there.

----------


## Keddy

My friend Chris and I have a presentation due tomorrow in our management class...
I hate talking in front of the class. It's a stupid PowerPoint presentation and we have to have a prepared speech, we're not allowed to read off of note cards... I know I'm going to screw up because I'm going to be panicking. Chris and I haven't even written our damn speech because we've been procrastinating on it for two weeks... WE'RE SCREWED!!! *Hyperventilates*
OMG OMG OMG... 0_0
I'm gonna die, guys

----------


## SmileyFace

I can't shake this job thing off. I'm getting more and more bummed out that I didn't get the job. The thought of living with my parents longer than expected makes me feel even more anxious and depressed.

----------


## Koalafan

I feel like a real piece of shit=/

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I FEEL LIKE ASS. I think I'm sick. Ughhh.

----------


## SmileyFace

Not happy with  myself for slacking off lately with the diet and exercise. I could just SEE and FEEL that I gained weight. I kept having the excuse this week that I'll "start over again" after this week once I have my new daily schedule in place, now that I have an internship. But what the heck.. why not start now?

I just always feel lost when I go to the gym though. I'm all over the place. I'd have leg day, arm day, etc.... but I seem whatever with my workouts. I don't focus on the task at hand, and kind of half-ass every workout I do. Definitely going to make today arm day though... going to work on my stomach too... but I want to work on my butt too... I don't know anymore *sigh* I need a better schedule of things ugh. Time to really make new workout plans starting today. This is getting so ridiculous.

A lot of this has resulted from PMS and all, but I don't want to give in to my cravings each and every fuckin month. Because then... this happens.

----------


## Keddy

> Not happy with  myself for slacking off lately with the diet and exercise. *I could just SEE and FEEL that I gained weight.* I kept having the excuse this week that I'll "start over again" after this week once I have my new daily schedule in place, now that I have an internship. But what the heck.. why not start now?
> 
> I just always feel lost when I go to the gym though. I'm all over the place. I'd have leg day, arm day, etc.... but I seem whatever with my workouts. I don't focus on the task at hand, and kind of half-ass every workout I do. Definitely going to make today arm day though... going to work on my stomach too... but I want to work on my butt too... I don't know anymore *sigh* I need a better schedule of things ugh. Time to really make new workout plans starting today. This is getting so ridiculous.
> 
> A lot of this has resulted from PMS and all, but I don't want to give in to my cravings each and every fuckin month. Because then... this happens.



I know exactly how you feel, Smiley  ::(: 
Especially with the part that I bolded.
Of course I don't have PMS, LOL, but I go through exactly the same things with cravings and such. And it's a huge uphill battle for me to get myself to the gym. I half-ass all my workouts too.
Just wanted to let you know you're not alone in feeling this way  :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

My dance team has our first performance on Sunday. I'm already starting to panic. I was trying not to think about it, under the false impression that the feeling would go away if I ignored it... >.<
*Cue panic attack*
I haven't been on stage in a long, long time. It's safe to say that I'm more than a little intimidated.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Leg pain/weakness from my walk earlier. Please please please be gone tomorrow. I'm terrified of the possible sudden onset of my leg issue again. The last thing I need is my progress from working out being fucked with.

----------


## Chantellabella

Some people are such jackasses. Judgmental..............annoying.................i  n your face with their stupid ideas. Eradicating said people would make this world a better place. 

In other words, we just don't need them. I know I don't.

----------


## Keddy

Grrr... Had a fight with my boyfriend. His fault. I'm sleeping on my friends' couch tonight. We didn't break up, he's just on probation for now. I rarely get angry but I'm pretty terrifying when I do get pissed off, so I think he's heeded my warning. I'm also a bit bigger than him so there's an intimidation factor right there  :Tongue: 
Tomorrow though, he and I are going to a cookout at Dominic's house... I already told him we would go so there's no backing out now.
Angry Keddy + Shamed Boyfriend + Slutty Dominic = ????
This is gonna be a hell of a show.

----------


## SmileyFace

Super anxious and paranoid today.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

My stomach pain is taking my breath away. I feel weak and dizzy and I just want to go back to bed.

----------


## SmileyFace

It worries me that everything I do in my life now seems like a chore, even things I chose to do because it looked interesting and fun. I can't seem to commit myself to any activity in life. Everything feels like a chore. I don't know if this is due to mild depression. I don't know why I'm like this. I feel a big part is due to how strict my parents are with how often and how long I go out for, but even then... I don't know. I'm often too tired to do this, or too lazy to do that.

And then... I [BEEP] and moan over how my life is boring.

----------


## Koalafan

My dad just passed out due to being lightheaded from his medication. Very very scary  ::(: . He seems fine and says he is but I really hope he starts to get better  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

No, I do not want to go for "a walk in the sunshine to get some fresh air" at Stowe. I really don't. For one, the sunshine will give me a headache, a fact which I have told you over and over again but you love to ignore every single time. For another, I really don't like Stowe. And for gods sake, I have exams coming up AND I NEED TO FUCKING REVISE NOT GO FOR A WALK IN THE SUNSHINE!

That, and I feel like I'm going to wallop someone if I have to listen to anyone elses inane conversations. Why is everything so slow today, it's pissing me off. No end to it. URGH!!!

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Brutal allergies- they keep getting worse every year. And just gross weather- WTF Montreal.

----------


## SmileyFace

> Brutal allergies- they keep getting worse every year. And just gross weather- WTF Montreal.



Me too. My allergies have gone nuts this week. I think it was worse last night... as I had trouble breathing. Yay hay fever.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Me too. My allergies have gone nuts this week. I think it was worse last night... as I had trouble breathing. Yay hay fever.



I thought it was just me... They felt so well controlled this year until yesterday when it all went haywire. It's putting me in such a bad mood.

Does any kind of treatment help you? I've tried every single thing on the market (pharmacist/GP said there was nothing else they could do for me), and I had to go to a specialist who prescribed me immunotherapy. I couldn't finish my first course of treatment and now I'm paying for it, literally and figuratively -.-

----------


## SmileyFace

> I thought it was just me... They felt so well controlled this year until yesterday when it all went haywire. It's putting me in such a bad mood.
> 
> Does any kind of treatment help you? I've tried every single thing on the market (pharmacist/GP said there was nothing else they could do for me), and I had to go to a specialist who prescribed me immunotherapy. I couldn't finish my first course of treatment and now I'm paying for it, literally and figuratively -.-



I take Claritin D. It lasts all day for me at least, unlike Benadryl (which doesn't work at all and makes me drowsy as hell). That's about it really...

I've gone to the doctor about this before and she told me to just not be outdoors.

Well, ok... I have no choice but to be outdoors. I don't want to stay indoors all day just because I have these stupid allergies. lol

----------


## Koalafan

> I take Claritin D. It lasts all day for me at least, unlike Benadryl (which doesn't work at all and makes me drowsy as hell). That's about it really...
> 
> I've gone to the doctor about this before and she told me to just not be outdoors.
> 
> Well, ok... I have no choice but to be outdoors. I don't want to stay indoors all day just because I have these stupid allergies. lol



Bah! I have real bad allergies too  ::(:  I get them all year around and there's nothing more worse or gross then having to constantly blow your nose and breath through your mouth at night because your nose is too plugged up ><

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My symptoms are different from most people's.. I don't get the stuffy nose. Basically my skin and membranes (e.g. eyes) feel like they're burning. I recently developed a cross-allergic reaction with mangoes, and when I eat them my mouth and skin would itch and have a burning sensation too. Ugh.

Aerius or a mast cell stabilizer worked for a short period, but my body quickly developed a tolerance. My specialist said that my allergies are only going to keep getting worse if not treated (I was supposed to have 3 courses of immunotherapy I think)... but due to life circumstances, I couldn't even get through one. Now my serums are in a fridge 3,500 km away ._.

----------


## SmileyFace

> Bah! I have real bad allergies too  I get them all year around and there's nothing more worse or gross then having to constantly blow your nose and breath through your mouth at night because your nose is too plugged up ><







> My symptoms are different from most people's.. I don't get the stuffy nose. Basically my skin and membranes (e.g. eyes) feel like they're burning. I recently developed a cross-allergic reaction with mangoes, and when I eat them my mouth and skin would itch and have a burning sensation too. Ugh.
> 
> Aerius or a mast cell stabilizer worked for a short period, but my body quickly developed a tolerance. My specialist said that my allergies are only going to keep getting worse if not treated (I was supposed to have 3 courses of immunotherapy I think)... but due to life circumstances, I couldn't even get through one. Now my serums are in a fridge 3,500 km away ._.



I don't know what's worse/more annoying... having the runny/stuffy nose, or getting itchy all over. For me personally, the stuffy/runny nose isn't as bad as having pretty bad sinus infections with a headache and burning eyes. There has been a few days in the past where my hay fever got so bad that it felt like flu symptoms. I had the chills pretty bad for about an hour or so. I couldn't do anything without feeling like falling over and going to sleep.

Your allergies seem REALLY bad though, inane  ::(:  esp to be having to see a specialist and trying to find everything that could work well in keeping the allergies from getting worse and worse. Were things always like this? Or did these allergy issues start up just a few yrs ago (or months ago)?

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Your allergies seem REALLY bad though, inane  esp to be having to see a specialist and trying to find everything that could work well in keeping the allergies from getting worse and worse. Were things always like this? Or did these allergy issues start up just a few yrs ago (or months ago)?



Unfortunately, they are. When they first developed two years ago, I was hoping it was just some acute health problem that would go away in a few months. Nope. They did that skin test with me and the nurse was like, "Whoa, those are really big" (they basically inject you with a bit of each serum I think, and depending on your reaction, they know what you're allergic to and how bad- mine was a really bad one). My brother has the same allergies with the same symptoms, but mine are a lot more severe than his.

What stinks is they began when I just got a job I really liked. I had to quit it after only 5 months because it was just an absolute nightmare dealing with the allergies.. I would have stayed there until now I think if it weren't for my asshole immune system.

----------


## L

> I thought it was just me... They felt so well controlled this year until yesterday when it all went haywire. It's putting me in such a bad mood.
> 
> Does any kind of treatment help you? I've tried every single thing on the market (pharmacist/GP said there was nothing else they could do for me), and I had to go to a specialist who prescribed me immunotherapy. I couldn't finish my first course of treatment and now I'm paying for it, literally and figuratively -.-



I usually use a simple antihistamine but in reality they do nothing for my hayfever in the summer or my new environment allergies. My summer hayfever gives me sinusitis difficulties and most if it is because of child hood asthma and when I get fly bites my legs swell and itch so much I have to freeze them with ice. This summer I am hoping to get a steroid injection that will last for about 6 weeks

----------


## SmileyFace

> Unfortunately, they are. When they first developed two years ago, I was hoping it was just some acute health problem that would go away in a few months. Nope. They did that skin test with me and the nurse was like, "Whoa, those are really big" (they basically inject you with a bit of each serum I think, and depending on your reaction, they know what you're allergic to and how bad- mine was a really bad one). My brother has the same allergies with the same symptoms, but mine are a lot more severe than his.
> 
> What stinks is they began when I just got a job I really liked. I had to quit it after only 5 months because it was just an absolute nightmare dealing with the allergies.. I would have stayed there until now I think if it weren't for my asshole immune system.



How odd your brother deals with the same allergies with the same symptoms. Do either of your parents have allergies like this? Any relatives in general? It sounds like some sort of genetic thing.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> I usually use a simple antihistamine but in reality they do nothing for my hayfever in the summer or my new environment allergies. My summer hayfever gives me sinusitis difficulties and most if it is because of child hood asthma and when I get fly bites my legs swell and itch so much I have to freeze them with ice. This summer I am hoping to get a steroid injection that will last for about 6 weeks



Ugh, sorry to hear that lasair... I hope the injection is effective. Allergies suck. Oral antihistamines do absolutely nothing for me.





> How odd your brother deals with the same allergies with the same symptoms. Do either of your parents have allergies like this? Any relatives in general? It sounds like some sort of genetic thing.



Mom has no allergies whatsoever, Dad has mild symptoms. If it's genetic, I got the brunt of it.

----------


## Kesky

> Ugh, sorry to hear that lasair... I hope the injection is effective. Allergies suck. Oral antihistamines do absolutely nothing for me.
> 
> 
> 
> Mom has no allergies whatsoever, Dad has mild symptoms. If it's genetic, I got the brunt of it.



can the serum be shipped to you?

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> can the serum be shipped to you?



It's a bit more complicated than that- I've been a delinquent patient, i.e. haven't been following doctor's orders, so my regimen is messed up. I need another consultation before beginning it again... It's not as simple as just taking up where I left off. I think my ordered serums might even be expired by now. I should be either on the end of the first course or just beginning my second, if I actually did what I was supposed to.

----------


## SmileyFace

I feel so anxious. I have too many expectations of people -- especially those I'm closest to. A lot of things are easily offending me tonight. I don't like it...

----------


## Keddy

Having really weird pains sort of where my kidneys are located... Please don't let it be my kidneys... Having appendicitis was bad enough!
I hope I just pulled something weird when I was dancing earlier. Now I'm not going to be able to sleep, WTF.
I am not going to be a baby and wake my boyfriend up because of this.
Yes I am.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Depression, I don't have any real reason to be so unhappy. Things are going good.

----------


## merc

Feeling lonely.

----------


## Keddy

I am so sick of myself. I'm really starting to piss myself off and I know I piss everyone else off too. I feel like I need to apologize for existing. Who gave me the right to go around thinking I'm so much better than everyone else? I'm a class-A loser. Look at my life. I sit on the computer for hours at a time, I play video games with my own boyfriend- HELLO, what happened to going on dates? REAL dates?! My classmates make fun of me behind my back. I'm lucky my co-workers don't plot to kill me. I never shut up and it's always about me. My social skills are appalling, I think I'm the world's greatest dancer ever and guess what- I'm probably not! Stop bragging about it, Keddy! I probably think I'm the smartest person in the entire world. I'M SUCH AN ASSHOLE!!! I mean, SERIOUSLY, am I a jerk or what?!
I am NOWHERE NEAR as attractive as I seem to think I am. I take thousands of selfies and I check myself out in the mirror. I'll admit to that. I'm that kind of dick who can't stop looking at himself. Well, guess what? I have a big fat gut and stretchmarks and short legs and tons of scars from trying to kill and injure myself. What's attractive about any of that? I need to get the [BEEP] over myself! Oh yeah, and can't forget that I used to have BUCK TEETH and had to have my jaw SURGICALLY CORRECTED because my overbite was so bad.
If I'm still alive tomorrow morning I'm going to deal with that and then make sure I get disposed of properly. I don't even deserve a funeral, I'll just ask my boyfriend to put my remains in the dumpster. I hate myself. I can't live with this anymore. I never thought one person could make themselves so angry.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My neighbours are always banging their doors or walls. What the hell are they doing. They're always speaking a language I don't understand either (French or otherwise).

----------


## Koalafan

Very rough night for depression

----------


## SmileyFace

Very tired, so I should just go to sleep. But... I'm growing more and more anxious tonight  ::(:  Easily offended and hurt by little things.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

For someone who doesn't say very much, why is it that the few times I _do_ open my mouth I end up saying all the wrong things?

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Made an uncomfortable realization, and that there's no way I can finish this in any better a position than when I started.

----------


## Keddy

I have to work tonight but I'm intolerably anxious right now. Should be fun...  :Mega Shock: 
And this is going to be me all throughout the long-ass board meeting we're having on Thursday:  :lalalala: 
I feel like an asshole because I ditched class this morning and bf and I went and played around in downtown Boston instead... Whoops :/

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> I feel like an asshole because I ditched class this morning and bf and I went and played around in downtown Boston instead... Whoops :/



you made the right choice  :;):  you deserve some time to decompress.

----------


## SmileyFace

Makes me a bit sad that I won't be hanging out with my boyfriend on Fridays now due to my internship  ::(:  It's going to be so weird adjusting. We had hung out every Friday for the past few months... then now, we won't be able to. We probably won't see each other until the week after next due to him being super busy with finals and everything...

We do need a wee bit of time apart though... for me to really gather my thoughts and try to work down to being myself and feeling content with life again. Anxiety has been making me go crazy.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Life bothers me. I had a brief, but pressing thought of taking my life again.

But then realized how much my life has improved, because it feels like it's been so long since I've had that thought. I used to ruminate on it everyday, fantasizing about it till I fell asleep. The past 10 days, I've been falling asleep not really even thinking, just feeling comfortable and at peace.

----------


## Keddy

> Life bothers me. I had a brief, but pressing thought of taking my life again.



I'm glad you didn't  :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

Ugh... doctor's appointment tomorrow... I found something weird near my ribcage and they're going to check it out. They think it's a cyst. I am a hypochondriac but there's definitely something there... Let's just hope I don't have to go through Surgery Number Three this year... and it's only May. Good Lord.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> I'm glad you didn't



 :Hug:  Thanks Keddy but no need to worry- I don't have the means to do it here even if I wanted to. I'd have to go back to Vancouver for it.
-

What's bothering me now is not having a Toronto address to apply to jobs with. I couldn't get a single reply in Montreal until I put in a local address. Ugh! And of course my decision on whether to stay in MTL or move to TO is due very, very soon. At some point, _doing nothing_ has become a decision with substantial effect on its own.

Just looked at my bank account and am freaked. I haven't even paid my Mastercard bill with the plane ticket expenses yet. Rent in Toronto for the space I'm renting is only $500, compared to here being $850... Even if I am more comfortable here, that's a pretty big jump, and my options for jobs would be wider as Toronto is Anglo. But I'm starting to like Montreal.  ::'(:

----------


## L

I just want to show everyone around me how happy I am right now but I'm afraid it will annoy them or make them upset.

----------


## Keddy

> Ugh... doctor's appointment tomorrow... I found something weird near my ribcage and they're going to check it out. They think it's a cyst. I am a hypochondriac but there's definitely something there... Let's just hope I don't have to go through Surgery Number Three this year... and it's only May. Good Lord.



Phew. They said it doesn't need to be removed and it's not harmful. They just said to keep an eye on it and come back if it ever gets bigger or starts to hurt but they don't think it will and it might go away on its own. Good, now I can relax.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I think I'm moving to Toronto next month. I'm going to really, really miss Montreal. And having any semblance of privacy (would be in a house with 8 other girls). After a bit of a rocky start, I think MTL folks are really nice.
-

Why does life have to be so complicated?

----------


## Keddy

[BEEP] you, computer!! I'm trying to download music here and you're being a dick!!
That's what I get for downloading music illegally...

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I think I'm moving to Toronto next month. I'm going to really, really miss Montreal. And having any semblance of privacy (would be in a house with 8 other girls). After a bit of a rocky start, I think MTL folks are really nice.
> -
> 
> *Why does life have to be so complicated?*



I don't know, but I'm growing tired of it's shenanigans. Â¬_Â¬

You're making me want to visit Montreal, btw.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> I don't know, but I'm growing tired of it's shenanigans. Â¬_Â¬
> 
> You're making me want to visit Montreal, btw.



I think I'm going to remain in Montreal, perhaps until the end of July. I ran the numbers and my savings from moving to Toronto would only be $350. I'm too dead exhausted to move yet again. It would be easier to find work there for sure... But I'msotired. I don't want to move again. It's too soon ;_;

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I think I'm going to remain in Montreal, perhaps until the end of July. I ran the numbers and my savings from moving to Toronto would only be $350. I'm too dead exhausted to move yet again. It would be easier to find work there for sure... But I'msotired. I don't want to move again. It's too soon ;_;



After all that you went through to get to Montreal, I'd say you deserve to stay there for a bit and gather yourself at least. I'd be in no position to move again if I were in your situation, either.

----------


## Keddy

I just cut the hell out of myself shaving >.<
When am I gonna learn...?

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> After all that you went through to get to Montreal, I'd say you deserve to stay there for a bit and gather yourself at least. I'd be in no position to move again if I were in your situation, either.



I think that's what I'll do. It's not really as simple as a train ride- it's accounting for transportation (which is the suckiest part of moving IMO), getting paperwork in order, changing phone number AGAIN, settling in. It's tedious.
-

Cabin fever if I stay in; agoraphobia if I go out. I've found some places I'd like to volunteer at, some women's homes, and I've drafted my emails but too afraid to send them.

Two weeks and I've figured nothing out. I'm as depressed here as I was back there. I'm taking my meds so it can't be that. I think this confirms that _I'm_ the problem, not my mom or being in the wrong program or whatever else.
-

I don't know what to do anymore. I have no more confidence to apply for work or even volunteering anymore. That phone interview and emails just keep bouncing around in my head.

----------


## Keddy

OK, why do people at my work think it's alright to play Flappy Bird... of all things... on their phones during meetings...?
Some people need a high-five. In the face. With a TABLE.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I ran out of coffee, and my head feels foggy. Depression has faded to a dull ache. And it's loud as [BEEP] outside, banging and drilling and doors slamming, all in the hallway outside my room- what the hell are they doing??

Edit: I got my answer, it's some guys installing heaters.
-

I ate a new brand of ramen and now the right inside of my mouth feels funny. And I don't know where I'm living at the end of this month. Ughhhh this sucks. At least I've narrowed down the city!

----------


## SmileyFace

My personal essay has finally been published in a magazine. Which is great... but it's hard to  be happy about it when the people at the magazine edited your photo to the max, making you look like a totally different person and 20 years older.

Atrocious.

Even my BF felt it didn't even look like me in the magazine.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Is it online, Jen? I'd love to read it.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Life and all it encompasses is bothering me. I'm tired of feeling broken and worthless.






> My personal essay has finally been published in a magazine. Which is great... but it's hard to  be happy about it when the people at the magazine edited your photo to the max, making you look like a totally different person and 20 years older.
> 
> Atrocious.
> 
> Even my BF felt it didn't even look like me in the magazine.




Image manipulation in the media is pretty disgusting these days—a rather reprehensible industry practice with a significant and long-lasting societal impact.

----------


## Koalafan

> My personal essay has finally been published in a magazine. Which is great... but it's hard to  be happy about it when the people at the magazine edited your photo to the max, making you look like a totally different person and 20 years older.
> 
> Atrocious.
> 
> Even my BF felt it didn't even look like me in the magazine.



We would love to read it smiley!!  :Celebrate:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I'm even annoying my own damn self with my negativity.

----------


## Chantellabella

> My personal essay has finally been published in a magazine. Which is great... but it's hard to  be happy about it when the people at the magazine edited your photo to the max, making you look like a totally different person and 20 years older.
> 
> Atrocious.
> 
> Even my BF felt it didn't even look like me in the magazine.



Sorry they messed with your photo. Do you still feel comfortable enough to share it? I'd love to read it. I'm proud of you.  ::):

----------


## Chantellabella

I love my life.
I feel very blessed and grateful.

So why oh why is it so important to revisit the past in therapy? Yes, I'm still split. And yes, those parts need a voice. But it would be so nice to get all parts of me to understand that it's 2014 and there's no need to feel terror, shame, worthlessness, mistrust, and confusion.

Sadness.............yes
Anger...............yes

Those are parts of grieving and I'm grieving the loss of many years of my life. 

But the rage, anxiety, and all the other misplaced emotions are so frustrating to have. 

I try to work. I try to relax. I try to remember how safe and happy I am now. 

Those past emotions make that very difficult.

I know it's temporary, but geesh!

----------


## Keddy

Hashtags #piss #me #off
Every time I read a freaking news story online or I watch a YouTube video or I download music, there is a #HASHTAG staring straight at me. We are told to use #hashtags at work for #public #relations.
What is the point of them anyway? As someone who doesn't use social media, I feel like I have no use for them.
Hashtags are #annoying. I don't even like the word #hashtag.
Sorry, I got a bit carried away there. I'm just #angry
#Keddy

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Hashtags #piss #me #off
> Every time I read a freaking news story online or I watch a YouTube video or I download music, there is a #HASHTAG staring straight at me. We are told to use #hashtags at work for #public #relations.
> What is the point of them anyway? As someone who doesn't use social media, I feel like I have no use for them.
> Hashtags are #annoying. I don't even like the word #hashtag.
> Sorry, I got a bit carried away there. I'm just #angry
> #Keddy



# I agree. I don't use any social media sites. I'm not even 100% sure what hashtags are for other than to annoy people.

----------


## SmileyFace

Been rather anxious still.

Definitely not as bad as previous weeks but... it's still annoying and getting in the way of my daily life a bit.

----------


## SmileyFace

So depressed today. I hate Mother's Day. I hate how my parents are, especially my mom. I don't want to play the blame game, but I'm rather shitty because of her. I don't even know how to live and enjoy my life. Everywhere I go, everyone I'm out with... I feel as though she is there too, causing me to hold back and not have fun. She hates it when I am happy. It causes me to feel frozen when I'm around other people.

I fuckin hate it. I hate being oversensitive. I hate not being able to joke around and take jokes.

I'm so tired of walking around feeling like a [BEEP] because she keeps calling me one. Saying I look like one. She refuses to go places with me, especially when her acquaintances are around, because she "doesn't want people to see that her daughter is a '[BEEP]'"...

We were all invited to a wedding taking place in July. My parents wanted to rsvp with a total of 3, meaning only them and my brother would be going. My parents are so against me going anywhere with them.

They have something going on today for Mother's day up in LA. And I won't be allowed to go, but my brother is....

Always felt like the black sheep of the family, and all this further proves things.

I also feel like I'm nothing more than a convenience to people...mainly a sound board. It's now gotten to the point where I just don't talk about myself anymore, even around my boyfriend.. and this is irritating him lately. I was OK the past few weeks or so... and now things are starting up again.

I don't know what to do anymore. I know it's OK for me to talk about myself around him... He wants me to, but I feel so frozen  ::(:  I feel so selfish talking about myself. I've gotten so used to being the sound board, often ignored or interrupted.

I'm a total fuckin mess today.

----------


## Chantellabella

> So depressed today. I hate Mother's Day. I hate how my parents are, especially my mom. I don't want to play the blame game, but I'm rather shitty because of her. I don't even know how to live and enjoy my life. Everywhere I go, everyone I'm out with... I feel as though she is there too, causing me to hold back and not have fun. She hates it when I am happy. It causes me to feel frozen when I'm around other people.
> 
> I fuckin hate it. I hate being oversensitive. I hate not being able to joke around and take jokes.
> 
> I'm so tired of walking around feeling like a [BEEP] because she keeps calling me one. Saying I look like one. She refuses to go places with me, especially when her acquaintances are around, because she "doesn't want people to see that her daughter is a '[BEEP]'"...
> 
> We were all invited to a wedding taking place in July. My parents wanted to rsvp with a total of 3, meaning only them and my brother would be going. My parents are so against me going anywhere with them.
> 
> They have something going on today for Mother's day up in LA. And I won't be allowed to go, but my brother is....
> ...



I'm sorry they're treating you this way. You don't deserve it.  :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

One of the things that bothers me is online snobs. My definition of an online snob is someone who either believes you are beneath them or someone who for some obscure reason doesn't like you. But instead of letting you know outright, they passive aggressively "punish" you in one of three ways:

They answer everyone who spoke to them but you..........obvious much?
They add a stupid meme or ridiculous attention seeking comment. 
They talk about you but do not use any names or they talk about you behind your back.

It's so 12 year old. 

I guess immaturity can rear it's ugly head on a forum easily.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> One of the things that bothers me is online snobs. My definition of an online snob is someone who either believes you are beneath them or someone who for some obscure reason doesn't like you. But instead of letting you know outright, they passive aggressively "punish" you in one of three ways:
> 
> They answer everyone who spoke to them but you..........obvious much?
> They add a stupid meme or ridiculous attention seeking comment. 
> They talk about you but do not use any names or they talk about you behind your back.
> 
> It's so 12 year old. 
> 
> I guess immaturity can rear it's ugly head on a forum easily.



I can't stand this, either. I'm not interested in putting up with anyone's childish bs - I do enough of that IRL! I'm not interested in playing any games. What is so hard about being straight with people? Thankfully I don't think I've had to deal with this, but I've definitely seen it happen to other people and it's always obvious so they may as well just be honest.

----------


## Chantellabella

> I can't stand this, either. I'm not interested in putting up with anyone's childish bs - I do enough of that IRL! I'm not interested in playing any games. What is so hard about being straight with people? Thankfully I don't think I've had to deal with this, but I've definitely seen it happen to other people and it's always obvious so they may as well just be honest.



I agree. Oh and I'm not speaking about anyone here (just in case people are worried). But yeah, the older I get, the more I become intolerant of passive aggressive games.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I can't cook, and my dinner is gross. But I'm still going to eat it because they're the only vegetables I'm eating today.

Also, once again filled with fear over interview tomorrow. The last phone interview, I couldn't sleep all night and felt shaken to the core the entire morning until the call.

----------


## L

> Hashtags #piss #me #off
> Every time I read a freaking news story online or I watch a YouTube video or I download music, there is a #HASHTAG staring straight at me. We are told to use #hashtags at work for #public #relations.
> What is the point of them anyway? As someone who doesn't use social media, I feel like I have no use for them.
> Hashtags are #annoying. I don't even like the word #hashtag.
> Sorry, I got a bit carried away there. I'm just #angry
> #Keddy



I use social media....never used a hashtag

----------


## Kesky

> So depressed today. I hate Mother's Day. I hate how my parents are, especially my mom. I don't want to play the blame game, but I'm rather shitty because of her. I don't even know how to live and enjoy my life. Everywhere I go, everyone I'm out with... I feel as though she is there too, causing me to hold back and not have fun. She hates it when I am happy. It causes me to feel frozen when I'm around other people.
> 
> I fuckin hate it. I hate being oversensitive. I hate not being able to joke around and take jokes.
> 
> I'm so tired of walking around feeling like a [BEEP] because she keeps calling me one. Saying I look like one. She refuses to go places with me, especially when her acquaintances are around, because she "doesn't want people to see that her daughter is a '[BEEP]'"...
> 
> We were all invited to a wedding taking place in July. My parents wanted to rsvp with a total of 3, meaning only them and my brother would be going. My parents are so against me going anywhere with them.
> 
> They have something going on today for Mother's day up in LA. And I won't be allowed to go, but my brother is....
> ...



I'm very angry at your mother. It infuriates me when I hear about parents who are so insensitive. I've read a lot of your posts and I'm not sure how you did it but you are a kind sensitive person with a lot of talent. I hope you can get some distance from the sound your mother's voice. she's way off base.

----------


## Keddy

I called my mom today to tell her Happy Mother's Day and she hung up on me  ::'(:

----------


## Koalafan

No matter how hard I try I'm always going to be the weird outsider at work

----------


## QuietCalamity

I did not anticipate how difficult it would be to dress professionally with large breasts. My boob level button will. Not. Stay. Buttoned. And I already taped this dress shut right below.  :-_-:

----------


## L

> I called my mom today to tell her Happy Mother's Day and she hung up on me



HUGS*

----------


## Kirsebaer

With or without SA I'll always be an oddball.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> With or without SA I'll always be an oddball.



It's okay to be an oddball.  :Hug: 
Coming from a fellow oddball!

----------


## Koalafan

> With or without SA I'll always be an oddball.







> It's okay to be an oddball. 
> Coming from a fellow oddball!



Go team oddball!!  :Heart:   :Hug:

----------


## L

> With or without SA I'll always be an oddball.







> It's okay to be an oddball. 
> Coming from a fellow oddball!







> Go team oddball!!



Can I join???? I am a very good oddball

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Can I join???? I am a very good oddball



Of course your can!  :group hug:

----------


## L

I am just freaking out a little

----------


## Keddy

The Bruins are losing!!!  ::@: 
I'll just yell it in my Boston accent: WHAT THE FAHK?!!!

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

^As an observer without a stake in the series, I'm freaking thrilled. Game 7, baby! I almost want to splurge and buy some booze for this one.
-

I didn't get the job. I really wanted this job, because if I couldn't get any relevant experience, I would never have the self-esteem to reapply to the other one again  ::(:  Fuck. Will I really return home to Vancouver with nothing to show for it?

----------


## Kesky

> Will I really return home to Vancouver with nothing to show for it?



you know you won't   :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> It's okay to be an oddball. 
> Coming from a fellow oddball!







> Go team oddball!!







> Can I join???? I am a very good oddball



Aww !  :group hug:   :Heart:  How I wish you guys lived nearby...

----------


## SmileyFace

Kinda feel like a failure over how I can be so terrified of talking to people I just met.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Kinda feel like a failure over how I can be so terrified of talking to people I just met.



I feel terrified from the spectrum of "anticipating to meet" to "have known my entire life".

Examples 1: Friends' boyfriends, potential employers, possible/future coworkers.

Examples 2: My Dad, aunts and uncles, cousins, best friends.

All for different reasons or another..

----------


## nothing

This thread is 209 pages long and I'll never read it all, this is bothering me now.

----------


## Keddy

I woke up this morning and my bf had already gone out because he's a morning person and I'm not. The dog apparently doesn't like to sleep alone in the bed with me, only when my bf is there because bf is his "person." I wanted to go back to sleep but had no one to cuddle with and ended up being a miserable idiot cuddling with the stuffed animal dog I've had since I was like four.
And yesterday I got shitfaced drunk, worse than ever before, and almost put myself in the ER. Still feeling the effects. Today is going to be a GREAT day... :/

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Comfort binging half a box of double chocolate cookies, and the pimples that have formed this morning. As if my face needed any MORE disfigurement. It already looks like it's been ravaged by two fires, with blue flames.

----------


## SmileyFace

Dad blaming me like crazy because someone backed into my car in a parking lot...

Why is everything always my fault? Oh, someone attacked me first for w/e reason -- it's "my fault." Oh, my parents aren't happy with their own lives, it's "my fault."

This is getting more and more frustrating.

----------


## Keddy

I was at the mall today and some teenage girls (probably late high school/college freshmen, hard to tell) were sitting by my boyfriend and I in the food court. My bf went to go use the bathroom and the girls started flirting with me and trying to talk to me. I have appalling social skills as is so it was hard for me to say what I wanted to and I was also very, very uncomfortable. They asked me how old I was- I know I look older than 20, but I was honest and I was like "Umm, I'm 20" and they started being all giggly and weird and asking me other questions that made me uncomfortable. I didn't want to get up and leave without telling my bf where I was going so I sat there and took it until he came back.
When he sat back down I put my arm around him and tried to lean in close to him and stuff, it's not socially acceptable or the norm where we live for us to kiss or hold hands, we'd probably get attacked, to be honest, so I tried to make us look as much like a couple as we could without any PDA stuff.
They stopped hitting on me after that but they were staring at us a lot. I felt really violated for some reason. I really don't like being attractive, as stupid as that sounds, because women tend to assume that I'm straight and therefore they think it's alright to flirt with me. It makes me super uncomfortable. It happens a lot, especially now that I'm losing weight, and lately I've been putting myself into more and more social situations.
How do I deal with this? It's very frustrating.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I did something I really, really should not have done.

Please, for the love of god, don't go ruin this for me. Please have the sense not to actually go and knock on that door and ask for the manager by name.

----------


## L

I lost my voice today - I need it tomorrow, return if found

----------


## nemmm3

I'm getting chubby, and I have absolutely no motivation to do anything about it. I do play soccer but that's okay 2-3 times a week and all im doing is running. I really don't want to get any bigger but I also have an eating phobia. I'm petrified to try new food so I eat no vegetables, only potato which isn't exactly healthy, 2 fruits and mostly fatty and carbohydrate food. I want to see a hypnotherapist about it but I don't have a job which means no money -.-

----------


## SmileyFace

Most of the time, I don't know how to keep negative people from affecting me so much... causing me to be paranoid about everyone else, thinking everyone is out to harm me. It's so aggravating, and it doesn't help that I'm still in contact with the negative people. I'm still in contact with them because:

a) They're a convenience when I feel lonely so I go to them and talk because it's easiest... they usually want to talk to me, yet they are so negative and never really let me talk and express myself; things are always about them
b) I feel guilty if I don't talk to them. I feel like a mean person when I do not stay in touch with them for days or weeks

So shitty of me. I should be taking care of myself and eliminating all these people, but I keep running back to them, which always results in me wondering why the hell the world is so cruel to me. Negativity is all I know  ::\:  It's so weird being told all my life not to talk or express myself much at all, then suddenly I meet genuinely nice people who wished I would just talk and express myself more. It's a whole 'nother world I'm dealing with here, and I wish I could embrace it already, but it scares me. I'm scared that it's a trap. I'm scared people will eventually turn around and tell me to stop talking and expressing myself altogether.

All this is so draining. This has been irritating my BF. I've been back to hardly talking about myself, and he's been making me talk about myself first. I would ask him how his final exams went, and he'd ignore that question and ask me stuff about my day, especially if I had something significant going on (i.e. doctor appointment).

I'm seeing him this Friday, and I'd like to talk about myself first... because I know he's getting so tired of talking about himself all the time.

----------


## QuietCalamity

Today my coworkers were having a conversation right next to me. I could have easily turned and joined the conversation like a human but instead I sat there AWKWARDLY LISTENING LIKE A WEIRDO UGH. They probably think I'm a snobby bitch. Now no one will ever like me. When will I learn to be normalllll?? X(

----------


## Keddy

> Today my coworkers were having a conversation right next to me. I could have easily turned and joined the conversation like a human but instead I sat there AWKWARDLY LISTENING LIKE A WEIRDO UGH. They probably think I'm a snobby bitch. Now no one will ever like me. When will I learn to be normalllll?? X(



This is EXACTLY what I do at work. This is why my co-workers think I'm the biggest jackass of a manager ever and that I have a stick up my butt.
If you figure out how to be normal, I'd love to learn it too, LOL. I screw myself over big time.
On the contrary, I think you're far from snobby. A lot of times shy or socially anxious people get unfairly labeled as snobs just because we don't know how to interact the same way as everyone else does.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My neighbour is making me feel so uncomfortable, asking me if I'm  single, how my life situation is, if I lived with my family back at  home. He knows I got a new job and asked me for the company name, and I  thought it was just curiosity so I told him. Now he's telling me he  wants to go apply, and I'm freaked he's going to use my name. Please,  don't do this to me. I wanted this job so badly and I got it on my own  merit.  

He told me how we're both new in the city, how he has a family and he  needs a job... I think he was trying to tell me that since I'm single  with no children, I don't need the job as badly as he does. He asked me  for my phone number, my email address (I think to try and get my last  name), and even tried twice to invite himself into my apartment.


  I don't want this to fall through. I worked so hard. I really don't want this to be the reason I have to leave Montreal.


  I've never met a bad person before. Please don't be the first.

----------


## Kesky

> My neighbour is making me feel so uncomfortable, asking me if I'm  single, how my life situation is, if I lived with my family back at  home. He knows I got a new job and asked me for the company name, and I  thought it was just curiosity so I told him. Now he's telling me he  wants to go apply, and I'm freaked he's going to use my name. Please,  don't do this to me. I wanted this job so badly and I got it on my own  merit.  
> 
> He told me how we're both new in the city, how he has a family and he  needs a job... I think he was trying to tell me that since I'm single  with no children, I don't need the job as badly as he does. He asked me  for my phone number, my email address (I think to try and get my last  name), and even tried twice to invite himself into my apartment.
> 
> 
>   I don't want this to fall through. I worked so hard. I really don't want this to be the reason I have to leave Montreal.
> 
> 
>   I've never met a bad person before. Please don't be the first.



You haven't done anything that would merit the company letting you go. Your standard response can always be, "I don't give out personal information." Nothing wrong with that. As a matter of fact it's a good practice. Play it by ear with the guy. He may just be desperate for a job and not very employable? But that's good you're not letting him in your apartment. Never do that. You're ok. Just pay attention like you always do. *hugs*

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> You haven't done anything that would merit the company letting you go. Your standard response can always be, "I don't give out personal information." Nothing wrong with that. As a matter of fact it's a good practice. Play it by ear with the guy. He may just be desperate for a job and not very employable? But that's good you're not letting him in your apartment. You're ok. Just pay attention like you always do. *hugs*



I won't even speak to him. Honestly, I'm done with this creep. I like his wife and baby, and want them to have all the very best. That baby is just precious. But _him_... We cannot be friends anymore. Today crossed a line, whether intentionally or not.

I feel for him, I do. I know the despair of job-searching, I've felt it and it's horrible. I know I will again. But I went through a LOT to get this job. I feel like I deserve it... or at least deserve the chance to prove myself.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I won't even speak to him. Honestly, I'm done with this creep. I like his wife and baby, and want them to have all the very best. That baby is just precious. But _him_... We cannot be friends anymore. Today crossed a line, whether intentionally or not.
> 
> I feel for him, I do. I know the despair of job-searching, I've felt it and it's horrible. I know I will again. But I went through a LOT to get this job. I feel like I deserve it... or at least deserve the chance to prove myself.



You certainly do deserve it. If this guy wants a job he can work just as hard and find employment on his own, not steal an opportunity from a young woman. Disgusting. I hate people so much sometimes. You don't deserve to have this happen to you. I hope he doesn't get in the way.

----------


## Keddy

I'm willing to spend $1,500 on a new puppy, purebred Border collie, with papers, AKC registered, show/working lines, champion-sired.
My bf and I are looking at apartments in Boston because we don't want to put up with campus housing next semester. The more money I spend on the puppy, the less money we have toward renting a nice apartment and we may have to downgrade. I get paid a good amount at work and he's trying to get a better job (he works in retail). But still... Dear God, I hate money. I hate dealing with money.
I wasn't even paying my own phone bill until my parents cut me off :/
HELP! HELP!!! SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF THE ADULT WORLD RIGHT NOW!! I NEED TO TURN BACK! I WANT TO BE A KID AGAIN! HELP!!!

----------


## QuietCalamity

> This is EXACTLY what I do at work. This is why my co-workers think I'm the biggest jackass of a manager ever and that I have a stick up my butt.
> If you figure out how to be normal, I'd love to learn it too, LOL. I screw myself over big time.
> On the contrary, I think you're far from snobby. A lot of times shy or socially anxious people get unfairly labeled as snobs just because we don't know how to interact the same way as everyone else does.



Awe thanks! And you are def not a jackass lol you're so nice! The closest I can come to normal is girl-who-tries-too-hard. Because I have to try really hard. It's really not something I can do everyday. It's frustrating because I can see how people would think I ignore them on purpose, it's just that I freeze up.

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## Heelsbythebridge

> You certainly do deserve it. If this guy wants a job he can work just as hard and find employment on his own, not steal an opportunity from a young woman. Disgusting. I hate people so much sometimes. You don't deserve to have this happen to you. I hope he doesn't get in the way.



Thanks Illusion. I feel a bit nauseous when I think about what he was trying to say. I'm not even sure what he plans to do... I don't think employees are so fungible like that. Especially since the role the manager said she wanted to give me is done specifically by only 2-3 people. I mean I don't mind the less desirable work, I asked for it actually so I could learn the ropes (and was shot down). I don't want to come off as paranoid, but I highly suspect he wanted my email ONLY to obtain my full name.

When I was trying to get into my apartment, he brought up the fact that he found my key last week. Said it was *on the floor* and that it could have been thrown away, but he decided to check with me first. I didn't tell him that I clearly remember him telling me it was actually in the keyhole. I don't know if he was trying to guilt me into something. Like dude, I'm sorry. I worked so hard to get this job, I gave up so much. The manager deemed me worthy for it. It's just such a gross situation... I'm terrified of what will happen in the coming weeks, if I'll get a call or email from the manager telling me not to bother coming in anymore. It makes me feel like killing myself.

I'm just going to go about normally. I can only control what I do, and do my best not to become belligerent.

----------


## Keddy

Suicidal thoughts are coming back. 
Debating whether or not to ignore them and see if they go away, or if I should act on them. Every time I try to kill myself it gets thwarted though, so with my luck, I'll just end up in the ER again so I shouldn't even bother.
Edit: OK... I don't know if I'm going to make it through the night. Too close to the edge.

----------


## Ironman

> Things are getting out of control with my younger brother. He's very talented at making me look like an asshole. He can say whatever he wants to me but God forbid I say anything back, then I'm an asshole. He bullies me about my weight, he blames me for everything, and my parents are completely oblivious to everything mean that he does and think he's innocent. I'm sorry, but once you hit fifteen you are no longer innocent IMO. 
> My mom favors him, which pisses me off to no end because my mom is my closest ally in our house. I don't get along well with my dad or my older brother either but the younger one is a Class-A jerk.
> He also lies his slimy little a$$ of about EVERYTHING. My parents truly believe that he is not bullying me and that I'm overreacting. He stole a beer out of the fridge a few weeks ago and spilled it over- not only is he way too young to drink, but when my dad asked who stained the rug my brother said, right in front of me, "Yeah, it was Keddy" and no one questioned it. He clogged the toilet yesterday-"Mom, Keddy clogged the toilet again!"
> My older brother couldn't find the TV remote- "Hey Connor, fatass put it somewhere." The dog sh*t in the neighbors' yard- "Pick it up, Keddy."
> I can't live with this anymore. I am beyond sick of being the object of all his hatred. I was here way before him anyway so the least he could do is show his older brother some damn respect.



Pick up the dog poo, Keddy?  Wow - that's a mess.  ::

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## Ironman

> Suicidal thoughts are coming back. 
> Debating whether or not to ignore them and see if they go away, or if I should act on them. Every time I try to kill myself it gets thwarted though, so with my luck, I'll just end up in the ER again so I shouldn't even bother.
> Edit: OK... I don't know if I'm going to make it through the night. Too close to the edge.



Why quit life?  It's more fun to torment your brothers.  I'd bet they are pushing your buttons just because they can - they're jerks but you can rise above it.  Give them a dose of their own medicine.

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## Keddy

> Why quit life?  It's more fun to torment your brothers.  I'd bet they are pushing your buttons just because they can - they're jerks but you can rise above it.  Give them a dose of their own medicine.



Oh, the post about my brothers was relatively old... That issue has been temporarily resolved, as I'm staying with my bf and his parents for now.
And don't worry, I'm not quitting life. I'm still here. Sometimes I feel like giving up but I'm usually able to talk myself out of it.

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## IllusionOfHappiness

I've got a food baby. I always have a food baby. My stomach bloats and I look pregnant no matter what I put in it. Guess I need to a) lose stomach weight and b) do crunches I guess?? I'm going to name this one "Regret". The worst part? I could still eat! Don't know what to do about my huge appetite.

----------


## SmileyFace

Boyfriend has been pretty annoying. I don't know if he is paranoid or what. He has been making odd assumptions about me for the past 2-3 months. And I'm expected to 'admit' they're true.

First... it was me 'seeing someone else' or 'sleeping around'
Then... it's me 'liking to be quiet' because I hadn't been talking as much (just a lot on my mind)

Now he is super convinced that I'm pregnant. My period is two weeks late, but still... I know there's no way I'm pregnant, due to health complications I have, and he knows that. And im usually a bit irregular. He is still worried as [BEEP] and having me buy a home pregnancy test.

I already did one at the doctor's yesterday but I won't know the results until next week and my boyfriend doesn't want to wait that long. I guess that's not surprising because he is so sure I'm pregnant, but... I just know I'm not. :/ there's just no way.

And these pregnancy tests cost so much. I remember having to get one years ago and they were freakin $20. I saw some that were almost $40.

I should have made him buy it for me since he is so sure I'm pregnant. 

This is getting pretty ridiculous. I just wanna cry. I don't know what to do. It's as if no matter what I'll do or say, he is going to have paranoid thoughts and such. Now i know what it's like to deal with someone like this. But..
 Still. *sigh*

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

^Jen, that's making me worried. He's acting like kind of a turd.

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## SmileyFace

> ^Jen, that's making me worried. He's acting like kind of a turd.



I don't know what the heck is going on really. I notice he tends to be like this around midterms and final exams. Even then, it's so tiring to deal with. I really do not know what I'm doing to make him be paranoid, except for the fact that I have been back to being distant again... but that is just anxiety as a whole regarding my parents and other shitty people in my life. I notice things are a lot better between me and him when I am not distant... but I can't help but let my parent issues get in the way.

I'm going to not be distant today and just be all happy about stuff, be talkative... and if he still makes strange assumptions, I'm going to have to call him out on it.

----------


## Keddy

I haven't felt super comfortable sharing this on here yet, but since I posted about it in my blog, I'll talk.
My ex is in the hospital for some pretty severe complications from taking ecstasy... This was a total shock to me, honestly, I would have never thought he was the kind of person who would resort to taking drugs. And I am naive and know nothing about drugs so this scares the hell out of me.
I went to see him in the hospital tonight and he wasn't even conscious  ::'(: 
This is just on my mind a lot. I've been feeling pretty down because of it. I'm seriously worried and I don't want to lose him. He might be my ex but he's also my dear friend.
I just feel so shocked about it, I always assumed this stuff only happened in the movies  ::'(:  I know I'm a grown man and I sound like such a child saying this but I just didn't think drug overdoses were "real" things that happened in real life, to people we know.
I'm heartbroken and I'm hurting.

----------


## SmileyFace

Things went well with BF. He's quite an annoyance when stressed and burnt out though...

Anywho, all's well at the moment, thankfully. Just feeling a bit nauseated. Probably because I didn't really eat much at all today.

----------


## Koalafan

Feeling extremely emotional and irritable today. Maybe it's time to lay in bed and stare at my ceiling for a bit

----------


## SmileyFace

Parents were so unhappy at my graduation ceremony... it's as if they didn't want to come. Same especially goes to my brother. My friend was the only person who was all excited and everything, thankfully.

----------


## Keddy

My bf was kind of nasty to me today. This morning he was like "WTF Keddy, are you wearing eyeliner?"
Absolutely not! I wasn't wearing eyeliner at all. I have really dark long lashes, I'm Irish, I have dark hair and really white skin. So it always kind of looks like I'm wearing liner but I never have worn it.
What would it have mattered to him anyway? He keeps saying that I've been looking more feminine lately which is kind of upsetting to me, a few other people have said it as well. He got upset a few times this week because I bought new clothes and he doesn't think they're "masculine enough." He got upset about the blue hair. He thinks I'm trying to "advertise" my sexuality. I'm not trying to throw it in the world's face that I'm gay. If it appears that way, I'm sorry.
This is just because he's from Poland and being outwardly gay is a big fat crime in his country. He shouldn't forget that he is ALSO gay, hence why he's dating me... He needs to stop trying to over-compensate for himself by trying to look "manly." Sorry hun, but you don't exactly look like the picture of "manliness" either!

----------


## QuietCalamity

> I haven't felt super comfortable sharing this on here yet, but since I posted about it in my blog, I'll talk.
> My ex is in the hospital for some pretty severe complications from taking ecstasy... This was a total shock to me, honestly, I would have never thought he was the kind of person who would resort to taking drugs. And I am naive and know nothing about drugs so this scares the hell out of me.
> I went to see him in the hospital tonight and he wasn't even conscious 
> This is just on my mind a lot. I've been feeling pretty down because of it. I'm seriously worried and I don't want to lose him. He might be my ex but he's also my dear friend.
> I just feel so shocked about it, I always assumed this stuff only happened in the movies  I know I'm a grown man and I sound like such a child saying this but I just didn't think drug overdoses were "real" things that happened in real life, to people we know.
> I'm heartbroken and I'm hurting.



I'm sorry you're going through that, on top of everything. It's not childish at all to feel like bad things like drug doses aren't a "real" things that could happen to us or our loved ones. I think nearly all of us feel that way whenever something like that happens, no matter how old we are. Hugs.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> Parents were so unhappy at my graduation ceremony... it's as if they didn't want to come. Same especially goes to my brother. My friend was the only person who was all excited and everything, thankfully.



From what you've said about your parents on here, I'm sure you weren't at all surprised by their lack of enthusiasm—I hope it didn't put too much of a damper on the experience. At least you had your friend there to acknowledge your accomplishment. Be proud, you're on step closer to moving your life forward!





> I haven't felt super comfortable sharing this on here yet, but since I posted about it in my blog, I'll talk.
> My ex is in the hospital for some pretty severe complications from taking ecstasy... This was a total shock to me, honestly, I would have never thought he was the kind of person who would resort to taking drugs. And I am naive and know nothing about drugs so this scares the hell out of me.
> I went to see him in the hospital tonight and he wasn't even conscious 
> This is just on my mind a lot. I've been feeling pretty down because of it. I'm seriously worried and I don't want to lose him. He might be my ex but he's also my dear friend.
> I just feel so shocked about it, I always assumed this stuff only happened in the movies  I know I'm a grown man and I sound like such a child saying this but I just didn't think drug overdoses were "real" things that happened in real life, to people we know.
> I'm heartbroken and I'm hurting.



It's not something you're familiar with, so it's no surprise you'd be pretty shocked at such a thing happening. It's unfortunate that you've been exposed to it in such a sudden and personal way, and it's totally understandable that you'd be freaked out and worried about it. I hope your ex recovers soon.





> My bf was kind of nasty to me today. This morning he was like "WTF Keddy, are you wearing eyeliner?"
> Absolutely not! I wasn't wearing eyeliner at all. I have really dark long lashes, I'm Irish, I have dark hair and really white skin. So it always kind of looks like I'm wearing liner but I never have worn it.
> What would it have mattered to him anyway? He keeps saying that I've been looking more feminine lately which is kind of upsetting to me, a few other people have said it as well. He got upset a few times this week because I bought new clothes and he doesn't think they're "masculine enough." He got upset about the blue hair. He thinks I'm trying to "advertise" my sexuality. I'm not trying to throw it in the world's face that I'm gay. If it appears that way, I'm sorry.
> *This is just because he's from Poland and being outwardly gay is a big fat crime in his country*. He shouldn't forget that he is ALSO gay, hence why he's dating me... He needs to stop trying to over-compensate for himself by trying to look "manly." Sorry hun, but you don't exactly look like the picture of "manliness" either!



While I can understand why you would feel irked by his comments, you also need to understand the background he comes from. It's not so easy to stop feeling like you can't be outwardly expressive of your sexuality when you grew up in an environment that strongly discourages it. As for the stuff about looking masculine, that may just be his preference; it takes two to tango, and while no one should be expected to drastically change who they are to appease their partner, it can be beneficial to make small changes to cater to their tastes. Perhaps you should tell him how his comments make you feel, but at the same time ask him to elaborate on them so you can understand _why_ he made them in the first place and maybe you'll get a deeper understanding of his thought process and possibly even come up with some sort of compromise.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

It's not in my place to say, but I secretly wish Jen would disown her parents. Congrats, hun- we'd all be there if we could!  ::):

----------


## Keddy

> While I can understand why you would feel irked by his comments, you also need to understand the background he comes from. It's not so easy to stop feeling like you can't be outwardly expressive of your sexuality when you grew up in an environment that strongly discourages it. As for the stuff about looking masculine, that may just be his preference; it takes two to tango, and while no one should be expected to drastically change who they are to appease their partner, it can be beneficial to make small changes to cater to their tastes. Perhaps you should tell him how his comments make you feel, but at the same time ask him to elaborate on them so you can understand _why_ he made them in the first place and maybe you'll get a deeper understanding of his thought process and possibly even come up with some sort of compromise.



Thank you for the advice, Banana. You're very wise and I admire that about you- while I am very intelligent, I lack common sense and tend to go overboard about everything. You're a much better "thinker" than I am, if that makes sense. In other words, you have a clearer head than I do. I like the way you handle things.
With that said, I did have the discussion with my boyfriend (before I read your response- your comment will actually be helpful in a longer conversation I'll have with him later). He admitted he's been too hard on me and he's overreacting. He said he's just going to have to get used to society being more accepting of gays over here in the US (he's lived here for a long time but his head is still in Poland I guess) and he's going to try to be a bit more open about his own sexuality.
So we have reached a compromise.
And once again, I thank you for the advice. Will talk with him more later.

----------


## Keddy

> I'm sorry you're going through that, on top of everything. It's not childish at all to feel like bad things like drug doses aren't a "real" things that could happen to us or our loved ones. I think nearly all of us feel that way whenever something like that happens, no matter how old we are. Hugs.







> It's not something you're familiar with, so it's no surprise you'd be pretty shocked at such a thing happening. It's unfortunate that you've been exposed to it in such a sudden and personal way, and it's totally understandable that you'd be freaked out and worried about it. I hope your ex recovers soon.



Thank you guys  :Hug: 
Unfortunately it's not looking good for him right now but I'm going to have to work on accepting the outcome, whatever it is. I'm preparing myself for it to go in either direction, good news or bad news. I'm just praying for him a lot.
I do feel childish for thinking the way I do, but at the same time I'm grateful for never having been exposed to drugs. I just hope the best for Dominic, he's a total sweetheart and very misunderstood and a bit sick in the head (not in an insulting way, he just needs some TLC and some professional help). I just hope he recovers. It would hurt a lot of people if we lost him.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Thank you for the advice, Banana. You're very wise and I admire that about you- while I am very intelligent, I lack common sense and tend to go overboard about everything. You're a much better "thinker" than I am, if that makes sense. In other words, you have a clearer head than I do. I like the way you handle things.



I agree, I would probably describe him as articulately candid. Or candidly articulate. It's technical and slightly detached, while still personable. You're awesome in presenting an objective view, Banana  ::): 
-

Those unopened emails sitting in my inbox are still bothering me. Fuck. I need to read them but I'm not ready.

----------


## Keddy

> It's not in my place to say, but I secretly wish Jen would disown her parents. Congrats, hun- we'd all be there if we could!



I second this!^
And also, coming from a guy who was just disowned BY his parents- some of us are better off without them.
Congratulations! You deserve to be proud of yourself and to enjoy your accomplishments! Do something nice for yourself! We're all proud of you, Smiley!  :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

I just found out from my older brother that our younger brother has been lying about me to my parents. I'm not exactly sure what was said but I'm going to get to the bottom of this as it may be part of what destroyed my relationship with my family.
Also, the little fucker stole $500 in cash from me. I had thought for a while I had deposited it at the bank and forgotten, but I checked my balance and it was the same. I started thinking I'd misplaced it or that I'd dropped it somewhere or that I'd been pickpocketed. I do hate my brother but I would've never assumed he would steal money from a family member. That is just appalling and sickening!
My older brother, Connor, told me over email a few minutes ago that he found the $500 in Kevin's room when he was looking for his cigarettes, which had also gone missing (and were also found in Kevin's room...)
Connor said he's going to try to get the money back to me. I appreciate that at least ONE person in my family (not my family anymore, really) is being decent toward me. He took my side in the fight with my parents.
I HATE my younger brother. I don't normally wish terrible things on people but I do wish terrible things on him. Stealing is not just a sin, it's a crime.

----------


## SmileyFace

> From what you've said about your parents on here, I'm sure you weren't at all surprised by their lack of enthusiasmâI hope it didn't put too much of a damper on the experience. At least you had your friend there to acknowledge your accomplishment. Be proud, you're on step closer to moving your life forward!







> It's not in my place to say, but I secretly wish Jen would disown her parents. Congrats, hun- we'd all be there if we could!







> I second this!^
> And also, coming from a guy who was just disowned BY his parents- some of us are better off without them.
> Congratulations! You deserve to be proud of yourself and to enjoy your accomplishments! Do something nice for yourself! We're all proud of you, Smiley!



Thanks, you guys. I would have totally invited you all if you guys lived in the area lol. And we would have enjoyed some Korean BBQ afterwards!  :Tongue:  omnomnoms.

But ya, I was honestly not surprised. My mom feels as though it's "not fair" of me to be having this ceremony and such just because she never had anything like this herself when she was my age. Then she goes on and on about the hardships of being an immigrant to the states, etc. I understand that part... but she blames me, even though I wasn't born until years after she first came to the states. It's pathetic. I learned not to fall for that crap and feel guilty... because really... it's not my problem how her life unfolded in her early 20s. I wasn't even in the picture.

But yes, I'll just disown them once I have a full-time job, or at least enough saved up to move out and whatnot. I'm trying to be in a very positive and good mood right now, and so far... I don't feel REALLY crappy, but I'm still a bit close to losing my [BEEP] with them.

I feel as though I let my parents get to me so much that... it keeps me from taking my own life seriously. I feel as though I don't. Everything seems whatevers to me, I'm not focusing on my passions and hobbies..and I'm always negative about everything. I was talking to myself in the car yesterday (this really helps me when I'm trying to sort things out in my head), and I came to the realization that it's not impossible to live my life as much as possible despite how things are in the household.

Just wish I didn't have to be in such a situation here... or have such parents, but whatever. There's really nothing else I could do right now but to just move on and live my life the best I can and be positive about everything -- as if they're not in the picture at all.

But ya, thanks everyone. I appreciate the support.

And you're right, Keddy. Between my situation and yours when it comes to our families, we are so much better off without them much of the time (or...err, all the time lol). You hang in there too, buddy. I see you've been hitting pretty rough patches the past few days.

----------


## QuietCalamity

I think I've had a falling out with one of my oldest friends. We never see each other in person anymore because we live far apart. It's probably mostly my fault because I've been so extremely busy the last year or so that I haven't been good at keeping up with Facebook, remembering birthdays, and my financial situation has been a daily struggle for necessities, so forget gifts. Of course, when I would text her something like, "omg I'm so tired of not being able to afford anything fun" she would text back "I know, right??" EVERYTHING SHE BUYS is fun. She lives with her mom and barely has bills. She has all the cute things. She has never had to figure out which textbooks she should skip buying because she has always had the correct edition of all of them. She has never known what it's like to have an empty pantry and no money for food. I guess part of me really wants to let this friendship die because we just don't have anything in common anymore. And even though she is a beautiful person and a supportive friend, her dumb "problems" get on my damn nerves! "Oh no, I have too many friends! Help, I watch too much TV" But that means I'm down to one girlfriend. Sigh. I just wish I was better at making friends.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> I feel as though I let my parents get to me so much that... it keeps me from taking my own life seriously. I feel as though I don't. Everything seems whatevers to me, I'm not focusing on my passions and hobbies..and I'm always negative about everything. I was talking to myself in the car yesterday (this really helps me when I'm trying to sort things out in my head), and I came to the realization that it's not impossible to live my life as much as possible despite how things are in the household.



I can SO relate to that feeling. When you don't have anyone encouraging you the way most parents encourage their kids, it's like sometimes the possibility that I could even attempt to do something cool or successful doesn't even occur to me. I had one of those moments where I didn't apply to grad school until it was too late this year because even though I knew I wanted it, somehow I just thought it wasn't an option. Maybe we were taught that we don't deserve to go after the things we want - but f that noise! You are perfectly deserving and capable! And congrats on graduating!!

----------


## SmileyFace

> I can SO relate to that feeling. When you don't have anyone encouraging you the way most parents encourage their kids, it's like sometimes the possibility that I could even attempt to do something cool or successful doesn't even occur to me. I had one of those moments where I didn't apply to grad school until it was too late this year because even though I knew I wanted it, somehow I just thought it wasn't an option. Maybe we were taught that we don't deserve to go after the things we want - but f that noise! You are perfectly deserving and capable! And congrats on graduating!!



That really is what's taught to us, unfortunately. And the more it's enforced since we were children, the more it becomes almost permanently ingrained in us  ::(:  it's tough trying to break out of it most of the time... but then I think about how happy I'd really like to be, and I can't be if I keep trying to live the life (of many limits) that my parents want for me.

I'm in a down mood today regarding this. I was in a great mood last night, but this morning my mom annoyed me so I just automatically felt numb again about my life and goals. It scares me a bit trying to take charge of my own life without support from my parents. While many people always genuinely credit their parents for always pushing them to succeed and do great things they want to do, my situation is the complete opposite and it pains me. I'm older now and should just ignore them 99% of the time, but it's hard on some days.

I'm still optimistic though. That someday... I won't have to put up with this shot anymore. But it won't happen unless I really do something about it myself and try to do my own thing *sigh*

Wish things didn't have to be this hard.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> That really is what's taught to us, unfortunately. And the more it's enforced since we were children, the more it becomes almost permanently ingrained in us  it's tough trying to break out of it most of the time... but then I think about how happy I'd really like to be, and I can't be if I keep trying to live the life (of many limits) that my parents want for me.
> 
> I'm in a down mood today regarding this. I was in a great mood last night, but this morning my mom annoyed me so I just automatically felt numb again about my life and goals. It scares me a bit trying to take charge of my own life without support from my parents. While many people always genuinely credit their parents for always pushing them to succeed and do great things they want to do, my situation is the complete opposite and it pains me. I'm older now and should just ignore them 99% of the time, but it's hard on some days.
> 
> I'm still optimistic though. That someday... I won't have to put up with this shot anymore. But it won't happen unless I really do something about it myself and try to do my own thing *sigh*
> 
> Wish things didn't have to be this hard.



Engrained is exactly the right word. I haven't lived with my parents in 6 years and I rarely talk to them, but they are still in my head like that and it can be hard to even recognize. But I can tell just from what you've posted here that you are stronger than them. We all just need a cheerleader sometimes. You can do it!!

----------


## SmileyFace

> I get frustrated with people who use this site as some [BEEP] place when things don't go their way on another site. They think they can come here and disrupt it like their old dysfunctional joint. They don't don't get it that their stupid memes and narcissistic "look how cute I am" schick just looks juvenile to the people here.



Who's doing that?

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> I get frustrated with people who use this site as some [BEEP] place when things don't go their way on another site. They think they can come here and disrupt it like their old dysfunctional joint. They don't don't get it that their stupid memes and narcissistic "look how cute I am" schick just looks juvenile to the people here.



I don't see anyone here doing that, Cindy. They would stick out like a sore thumb... This forum is pretty down-to-earth. Would you mind telling us who it is?

Sorry, I'm just worried people might read that and immediately assume it's them. Someone messaged me worried that this was directed towards them, and I am most positive it isn't.

----------


## Keddy

^Probably me  ::'(: 
I think I've worn out my welcome here. I'm sorry I come across as so selfish and narcissistic. It isn't my intention. Not at all.
I don't really think I'm that cute tbh. And I thought the dog memes were funny. I knew I shouldn't have posted so many selfies...
I'm really sorry if I've hurt anyone or made anyone upset. I'm honestly not that kind of person. I'm a really sweet guy who just has terrible social skills and is incredibly insecure. I care way more about other people than I do about myself. 
I never, ever meant to hurt or upset or bother anyone. I'm sorry I complain so much. I'm a very hurt person and I thought it would be alright to vent here. My social skills SUCK. I am so, so sorry.
Sorry everyone. I had been thinking about leaving here anyway and I guess this seals the deal.

----------


## Keddy

> Keddy, it's not you. I promise. Don't worry. Please don't get paranoid that's it's you.
> 
> I'm talking about people who join the forum, then their first post is some stupid meme. They don't even bother to say hello. They just go right into stupid shit. So don't worry. It's not you. Ok? I've seen it before. They just assume they can do the same stupid stuff they did on other forums. This forum isn't like that.



Thank you for clarifying, Cindy.
Oddly enough, I don't often discuss my anxiety on here. My anxiety is totally severe, to the point where I can't even take certain medications for it. My biggest problem is social phobia and paranoia. Because of things that have happened in my past, I am inclined to think everything is about me even when I kind of "know" it isn't. I'm terrified of pissing people off or being an inconvenience to other people. 
I don't think it comes across on here how anxious I actually am, so I'm kind of glad this opened it up for me to talk about.
Fair warning, this will happen a lot with me, I'm always going to think I'm in trouble or that I've been annoying. 
I'm ridiculously paranoid about being an annoyance or causing other people to be upset.
Relieved to hear that it wasn't me although I almost had a heart attack there LOL!
I think what I'm going to learn from this is to be more direct with talking about my anxiety so people understand how paranoid I am, in case this happens again (which it will).
Sorry, Cindy  :Hug:

----------


## QuietCalamity

> Guys!!!! I'm just frickin frustrated about people who just join and their first one or two posts are memes or some mean [BEEP] to someone. Seriously! If you have not done that, then I ......... don't................mean you!!!! 
> 
> 
> Forget it! 
> 
> Think whatever you want to think.



Haha I think since we all are such an anxious bunch we see a post like that and our minds go - it's me! Everyone hates me! I knew it! I get what you are saying and I don't think I've really done any meme stuff so I *should* know you're not speaking of me, but part of me is still thinking "It's me, it has to be. I'm new and I'm the worst. I add nothing." :hide:

----------


## SmileyFace

> Engrained is exactly the right word. I haven't lived with my parents in 6 years and I rarely talk to them, but they are still in my head like that and it can be hard to even recognize. But I can tell just from what you've posted here that you are stronger than them. We all just need a cheerleader sometimes. You can do it!!



Yeah.. I sure hope they don't stay in my head after I move out. I know that when they were out of the country months ago for 3 weeks, I didn't worry about them at all -- except the times they demanded I get on Skype at night to chat. It was annoying, especially since I finally had the choice to hang out at night. And if I wasn't available to chat at night, they would get all pissy about it. I know that's going to happen when I move out, but I guess I could just gradually get out of it.. claim I had to work late, etc. *shrug* lol

----------


## SmileyFace

Graduation party I bitched about weeks ago has been permanently canceled -- by my mom. She apparently still pushed for it to be canceled and whatnot, and our family friends had enough of it... so that's that.

Whatever I guess. I guess as soon as I get my first paycheck next week or whatever, I'll use a decent portion of it to go someplace nice without my parents. My mom was talking last night about how we should go somewhere as a family in place of the graduation party... but I know we're not going to go anywhere anyway. She does this bullshit a lot to try to "cheer me up," saying we'll go to this place and that place that I always wanted to go to. Then when the day comes, we don't go. And when I ask about it, they snap at me saying I'm asking for too much.

Stupid fuckers. Should have saw this coming...

Oh well. Now on to planning where I'd like to go...

----------


## Kesky

everything's stronger than I think it is. it's in my cells.

----------


## L

my knees hurts like fcuk - I'm so tired

----------


## Skippy

Finding a big hole in my coolant tank is not somethin' I wanna see just prior to such a long trip thru USA. I have to go to pick n' pull anyway....

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

PMS has me feeling drained and bitchy, as if I needed any help in either of those departments. Â¬_Â¬

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Calls from Mom still make me feel irritated. I look forward to talking with my brother and Dad, but usually not her. 

She called me again today to say she doesn't have work anymore (she's been going from place to place the past few months), but not to worry or anything. Says Dad has been out since early in the afternoon, but it's "something he always does anyways."

Yup, still not regretting distancing myself 3,500 km yet.

----------


## GunnyHighway

> Yup, still not regretting distancing myself 3,500 km yet.



Never said it before, but congrats on going through with it.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Never said it before, but congrats on going through with it.



Thanks, it hasn't been so bad. I think it's actually helping me develop my communication skills (lol) because I have to communicate with people as a _necessity_. Landlord, potential employers, cashiers, transit people, strangers to ask for directions, etc. I can't stay in for days on end because I need to buy groceries and toiletries very frequently (I don't have a car and I can't carry much by hand during one trip).

The issues are mainly financial and education... I have yet to be able to support myself, and I've only worked full time for a few months in my life. And I have no idea how the Quebec education system works, or how an outsider can enter it. Toronto has a program that is perfect for me, part-time nursing... Allows me to get the education I need while working concurrently so I can pay rent and stuff. But alas I am not in Ontario, and losing interest in moving there.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I'm feeling so frustrated and despaired. I have nowhere to go, literally and figuratively.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Never said it before, but congrats on going through with it.



Ditto on congratulations. I haven't said it before. I guess I didn't want to jinx it. But I'm very proud of you for taking this step toward independence.  :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

Woke up anxious  ::(:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Ditto on congratulations. I haven't said it before. I guess I didn't want to jinx it. But I'm very proud of you for taking this step toward independence.



Oh thankyou Cindy  :Hug:  I look up to you so I'm happy to hear that.
-

Sometimes when I get into these deep funks I don't know if it's because I've missed a dose or I'm just getting back to reality.

----------


## Keddy

Bf and I took Niko and Guinness to the park earlier... HUGE fight broke out between them and another dog...
Some people really need to keep their aggressive dogs leashed and muzzled. This was fucking ridiculous. This dog came flying out of nowhere barking and snapping and he went after Niko, who's a big wimp and just sat there and took it. So I admit I did something a little stupid and let Guinness off his leash because Guinness is protective and can be very aggressive. Guinness let him have it alright. He went full-out war machine on this stupid dog. I would never normally condone my dog attacking another dog but this was a situation where it was needed. Bf yelled at me though and was like "That was not smart."
We finally broke up the fight (there was a lot of blood) and I put one of our leashes on this asshole dog and held him until his owner finally showed up... She was like "Oh my God, I'm so sorry" and I yelled at her about how her asshole dog almost killed our dogs. She was like "He got loose" so I gave her a proper lecture on dog training. Taking Niko and Guinness to the vet now. I don't think they're going to need stitches but they did get bitten.
Not a good start to the day.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I feel so shitty again. My landlord came to collect my rent money, but he mentioned me getting a job (I briefly mentioned it in an email when I asked for an extension). He said I was "lucky to get a job so quickly". I know I absolutely had horseshoes up my [BEEP] during the job search, but it's bothering me how people are making it sound. My neighbour said he still hasn't been able to find a job. So basically my luck really was just lightning in a bottle. I passed up a full-time job with a great boss and great company, and now I have a plane ticket booked to return to Vancouver in July. What if I can't find a job when I apply again in August? Fuck.

What's made me different that I had that "luck"? It'd be nice if I knew. I know I should just be grateful and I am but it makes me freaked because I haven't even started my job yet. Do Anglos have it really difficult working in Quebec? Will I walk into a nightmare? What is it?

God I need to chill.

----------


## Chantellabella

I can't believe I forgot a school visit today. I felt so bad. I've never done that in the 11 years in my profession. I rescheduled and I apologized profusely. 

Then I really had to work on not berating myself and giving myself slack. I can be my hardest critic.

----------


## Keddy

I had dyed my hair recently... Kind of a bluish-black color. I remember posting about it... Well now it looks like crap. It's turning gray. And my eyebrows are brown again. So much for trying something new. As if people didn't already think I was older than I am. Now I have gray hair.
I will not be posting pics until this issue is resolved :/

----------


## Chantellabella

> I had dyed my hair recently... Kind of a bluish-black color. I remember posting about it... Well now it looks like crap. It's turning gray. And my eyebrows are brown again. So much for trying something new. As if people didn't already think I was older than I am. Now I have gray hair.
> I will not be posting pics until this issue is resolved :/



Well, hey! You should get a lot of respect now. People tend to respect me due to my senior citizen status.

----------


## SmileyFace

Makes me so anxious/worried when I don't hear from my BF for a day. I'm so used to talking to him everyday. Hadn't heard from him since Sunday night. I feel bad because he IM'd me on Skype that night but I had to get going to bed since I was super sleepy and had to wake up early the next day for work. I'm sure he understood though... he often encourages me to go to sleep when I'm clearly too tired to chat properly lol. But eh...

I guess he just needed to disconnect for a while since school is finally done for him and he needs to relax. Or maybe his sister is still visiting from outta state so they're trying to make the best of her last days in CA before she flies back east. I sent him an email yesterday about graduation photo proofs everyone should have received by now, but he didn't respond to the email. He actually doesn't really check his email when school's not in session, so who knows if he had seen it.

Whatever is going on, I hope all is at least well.

Last time we didn't talk for more than a day, it was because his dad had a stroke. I hope he didn't have a stroke again  ::(: 

This is getting so freakin' ridiculous. I'm trying to calm down here and not get all crazy. I don't even know if I have the right to even worry, or if things are truly ok and I just need to make space.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Feelings of [BEEP] and inferiority.

----------


## Keddy

We went out to dinner and my boyfriend has an upset stomach... I may sleep on the couch tonight.  ::

----------


## QuietCalamity

I have an essay due at 10 and an exam at 2. I have so much to do but I'm just too tired to concentrate. I tried to get this stuff done after I got home from work but I just kept nodding off. I did the math yesterday and I spend 51 hours a week either at work, in class, or commuting. Then I have to find time to study and write essays. I get at most 4 hours of sleep a night. I don't even know how to do this, you guys.

----------


## L

She will call in ten minutes - I am so anxious...crap crap crap crap

----------


## SmileyFace

Worried [BEEP] this morning about the bf. I'm sensing something happened in the family. Last time things were quiet like this, I sensed the same thing... and it was indeed true.

In case there's nothing wrong though, I'm not gonna text him until Saturday or something if I still don't hear from him. I think that's reasonable since I last heard from him on Sunday night.

----------


## Koalafan

At&t I would very much like it if you stopped throttling my speeds and actually give me the speeds that WE pay for. That would be very nice.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My head aches. Allergies and lack of caffeine.

----------


## SmileyFace

> At&t I would very much like it if you stopped throttling my speeds and actually give me the speeds that WE pay for. That would be very nice.



Had issues with AT&T for the longest. Their customer service just made things worse overall. Then we switched to Time Warner's internet. Things are a bit slow with them from time to time, but it's still so much better than what AT&T had to offer.

----------


## Keddy

It's raining and pitch-dark outside. This kind of weather makes me feel very sad and unmotivated  ::'(: 
Oh well, now bf and I can do this  :Gaming:  for the rest of the day. But still, it's a waste.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My forehead and behind my eyes.

----------


## L

Another new house mate just moved in - i thought he was due next week.....I needs to go give the bathroom a quick cleaning lol

----------


## Koalafan

> Had issues with AT&T for the longest. Their customer service just made things worse overall. Then we switched to Time Warner's internet. Things are a bit slow with them from time to time, but it's still so much better than what AT&T had to offer.



Blah I've heard horror stories about Time Warner as well. It also doesn't make it any better than their about to merge with Comcast which is a company ran by satan himself  :Tongue: . When it comes to internet service all the options suck and I really hate it. Maybe I'll just move to Kansas where they have google fiber  :Tongue:  lol

----------


## Keddy

> Blah I've heard horror stories about Time Warner as well. It also doesn't make it any better than their about to merge with *Comcast which is a company ran by satan himself* . When it comes to internet service all the options suck and I really hate it. Maybe I'll just move to Kansas where they have google fiber  lol



^Yup. We had Comcast at my parents' house and it was the worst customer service we ever had... Not to mention our internet was always crapping out and we had to go down into the cellar and reset the router all the time.

----------


## Keddy

My boyfriend wants to sleep... What the hell, it's 4:45 PM... Why don't we go out and do something? Or at least play video games?
But those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones  :Tongue:  I'm the last person who should ever be calling anyone lazy.

----------


## L

> My boyfriend wants to sleep... What the hell, it's 4:45 PM... Why don't we go out and do something? Or at least play video games?
> But those who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones  I'm the last person who should ever be calling anyone lazy.



Don't stop your life for someone else - of he wants to sleep, let him - you go out or do something....it is good to have your own time too  ::):

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

My inactivity. I basically just go from one sitting position to the next. I was too lazy to work out at all this morning.

----------


## Keddy

> Don't stop your life for someone else - of he wants to sleep, let him - you go out or do something....it is good to have your own time too



I let him sleep and I got some of my own stuff done  ::):

----------


## SmileyFace

Still nothing from boyfriend...

----------


## Keddy

I miss my best friends from college  ::(:  I wish I didn't have to wait until September to see them again. They live too far away for us to hang out. At least we're taking some of the same classes in the fall... But for the summer, I have no friends  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

Woke up with panic attack right now. Really hate the feeling of loneliness and not having many friends to see in real life :/


And it's pretty pathetic how scared I am of contacting my BF first, whether it's via Skype, texting, or emailing. I don't know what it is. I guess it's the fear of being clingy or something, but that is just so ridiculous. He WANTS me to contact him first as well, and he's probably been waiting. I was going to email him first, but something tells me it's better to directly text him. *sigh* This is so dumb.

----------


## L

I am so tired I want to cry, busy day at work, off tomirrow but nothing worth doing , I miss my boyfriend, I have a headache

----------


## Keddy

> I am so tired I want to cry, busy day at work, off tomirrow but nothing worth doing , I miss my boyfriend, I have a headache



And you need a hug  :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

Ew ew ew ew ew. I'm at work and they had those soft pretzels in the break room... Just tried one and it tasted like soap. Literally tasted like soap x( I think I am going to throw up.  ::

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Eastern Canada, you SUCK!!! Western Canada is so much better.

I'm about to have a fucking aneurysm right now.
-

Best friend texted. Blood pressure continuing to go up.

----------


## Chantellabella

My brother is in a mental hospital. he's been psychotic for weeks with visual hallucinations.

----------


## Koalafan

I hate how cliquey my work is. I've been working for my local movie theatre for 7 months and I've never once been asked to go out and hangout. But then again how can I expect anything different? I come across as cold and stand offish to most people so they must think I want nothing to do with them...It also doesnt help that most people who get hired at my job are referred from another employee so everyone is already best friends with each othen when they get hired. I'm always going to be that outsider weirdo looking in.

----------


## Keddy

The entire house smells like my bf's cologne. It's disgusting. He needs to chill out with that stuff.
---
I'm feverish, nauseous, and sore. I think I have the flu. There goes my weekend.

----------


## Keddy

> My brother is in a mental hospital. he's been psychotic for weeks with visual hallucinations.



Sending good thoughts  :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

> I hate how cliquey my work is. I've been working for my local movie theatre for 7 months and I've never once been asked to go out and hangout. But then again how can I expect anything different? I come across as cold and stand offish to most people so they must think I want nothing to do with them...It also doesnt help that most people who get hired at my job are referred from another employee so everyone is already best friends with each othen when they get hired. I'm always going to be that outsider weirdo looking in.



My work is like this too  ::(: 
I think people in general are just cliquey. It's infuriating.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

There's too fucking much to do and I haven't done any of it. All I've done today is send an email, talk to my best friend, listen to the radio, and eat.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My face keeps flaking for some reason. I wonder if it's because of all the vitamin A from the carrots I've been eating. I've been going through half a bag of baby carrots per day.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> My brother is in a mental hospital. he's been psychotic for weeks with visual hallucinations.



I'm sorry.  ::(:  is this his first episode?

----------


## Chantellabella

> I'm sorry.  is this his first episode?



 This is the second time It's been getting worse.

I guess these things catch up with you. He's been an alcoholic his whole adult life like my father; was a wife beater like my father; and now he's doing the whole heredity bit by taking on my mother's psychosis.  I suspect there's some brain damage going on.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> This is the second time It's been getting worse.
> 
> I guess these things catch up with you. He's been an alcoholic his whole adult life like my father; was a wife beater like my father; and now he's doing the whole heredity bit by taking on my mother's psychosis.  I suspect there's some brain damage going on.



 ::(:  That's terrible. It must be hard to have all that in the family.

----------


## Keddy

My bf has taken over the television and the remote. I would like to watch some stuff as well and I would like to play my video games, which he is totally allowed to join me in, but all he wants to do is watch soccer matches.
I get it, he's European. But still.

----------


## L

Its half 2 am, my new house mate was loud, ask him to keep it down that put my.anxiety up up up and now im wide awake......my.day starts in 3.5 hours for 13 hour.shift

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

God why am I here.

And I don't mean Montreal. I mean in general. What's the point to this kind of existence?

----------


## Keddy

Realized I was still wide awake and was like "WTF" and then I realized I forgot my meds and haven't taken any Melatonin yet *facepalm*

----------


## SmileyFace

Internet has been insanely slow today.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I feel horrible whenever I speak to my parents. I _had_ to call them today to let them know I'll be extending my stay, and as always, I feel worse after having spoken. My Mom was acting like her usual overbearing self, sounding teary and telling me to come back, and my Dad made me feel so bad unintentionally. He asked me what kind of work I'm doing, and if it pays well. _Pays well?!_ I'll be happy just to be able to assimilate and do a good job at _any_ paid work here in Montreal. They have no idea how fucking scary it is. I always suspected that Dad was only so supportive of me because he was hoping I'd be his retirement plan one day, and now that is not going to pan out.

I only feel better after speaking to my brother and best friend. Now I'm seriously having second thoughts about returning to Vancouver even in July, even though I already bought the plane ticket. I don't know what to do.  ::'(:  I mean, I still need to go back because there are things I need/want to do to tie up loose ends, at least.

And my financial situation is dicey.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

...And now my Mom just called me sobbing.

God help me.

You know what I should do, stop taking my meds a few weeks ahead of time in July, go straight to the Lion's Gate Bridge from YVR, and end all this bullshit that is my life.

Edit: And she called again.

----------


## SmileyFace

Can you just not call them at all and totally cut contact? Or is there that feeling of obligation a lot of us Asian kids experience when it comes to their overbearing parents?

 ::(:  Don't end your life, inane. You know what's best for you, and that's to keep away from your parents, especially your mother. Try to do your best all the time in trying to get your own life together and go from there. Easier said than done, but... a little bit of progress will go a long way. Don't harm yourself  ::(:  It's just not worth it.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Montreal and Toronto built barriers around their most popular suicide points so I'm fine, there's no need to worry. I'll hope Vancouver doesn't get any ideas, it's my final backup plan. I'm not one to OD on pills because it's a highly unreliable method, and I don't cut. I cannot bear the thought of returning to that anxiety-fuelled, despaired and nightmare of an existence. I would honestly rather be dead.

You know how it is, Jen... I had to call so they know not to expect me back on Tuesday (they thought I would only be away for a month). Then my Mom called again, so I picked up- and she was sobbing saying she missed me. Like I was dying of cancer or something. Not her 22-year-old grown daughter trying to find her way in life. It's like she expects me to be her doll in a stroller for the rest of her life. She called two more times and I am not answering.

[BEEP] my life. Seriously [BEEP] it. I don't put it past her to pester my older brother about me until _he_ decides to disown me (he's in the middle of the most stressful period of his career). If she somehow ends up in Montreal trying to look for me (AND SHE WOULD DO THAT) I.... Oh my god. I fucking..

I DON'T FUCKING NEED THIS.

----------


## SmileyFace

> You know how it is, Jen... I had to call so they know not to expect me back on Tuesday (they thought I would only be away for a month). Then my Mom called again, so I picked up- and she was sobbing saying she missed me. Like I was dying of cancer or something. Not her 22-year-old grown daughter trying to find her way in life. *It's like she expects me to be her doll in a stroller for the rest of her life.* She called two more times and I am not answering.



This couldn't be any more true... and sad. It does seem as though calling them out of obligation is better than them possibly picking up the phone and calling the cops about you. My parents (esp mom) would do this. Obviously, cops can't do anything about such a situation of adult life, but my mom would probably make up some bullshit story to make me look like a criminal in hopes of cops bringing me back to her if/when I just walk out of her life.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> This couldn't be any more true... and sad. It does seem as though calling them out of obligation is better than them possibly picking up the phone and calling the cops about you. My parents (esp mom) would do this. Obviously, cops can't do anything about such a situation of adult life, but my mom would probably make up some bullshit story to make me look like a criminal in hopes of cops bringing me back to her if/when I just walk out of her life.



It's so horrible. I wish I were the older child in the family, born male. Or that I would have more brothers and sisters. Being the youngest daughter in a family sucks fucking balls.

My Mom was also the youngest female of the family and she's always going on and on about how that position in the family is supposed to be the most pampered. How her older siblings and mother never doted on her like she was entitled to due to being the "baby" (she still complains about this despite the fact that she is 57!!). I DON'T WANT TO BE LIKE THAT. I need to be able to find my own goddamn way, and I don't want to be kept in a fucking crib for the rest of my life, or pulled along on a leash lengthened only when my _"keepers"_ see fit. I AM NOT LIKE HER. I know I'm not independent yet. I know I need and will continue to need help. But it's only a month into this and already I feel like I'm getting a better grip on myself and finding the wits I lost long ago. I'm effing trying and I want to keep trying.

My instructors at school comment on how I seem to have a learned helplessness, how extreme my anxiety is, how I seem to lack a sense of independence/confidence when providing care. I WAS FAILED FOR THIS. I WAS FUCKING FAILED. I won't let this paradigm I've been growing in continue!

----------


## Kesky

Coastie  all of the decisions you have made on your own have been sound. You are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself and your parents have survived a month without you living with them and will continue to survive as you do what all people your age need to do...find where your place is in the world is.
Listen to yourself, your own voice...especially about moving back in with your parents. You might be showing them the most amount of love by not enabling them to look to you to save them...Hugs ....

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Coastie  all of the decisions you have made on your own have been sound. You are perfectly capable of taking care of yourself and your parents have survived a month without you living with them and will continue to survive as you do what all people your age need to do...find where your place is in the world is.
> Listen to yourself, your own voice...especially about moving back in with your parents. You might be showing them the most amount of love by not enabling them to look to you to save them...Hugs ....



It's why I tell my Mom and her sister (Aunt Laura) that their reasons for having children are not sound in my personal moral compass. If you're having a child to be your life companion, such as what a lot of mothers seem to think of their youngest daughters, it's the wrong reason.

My Mom was Grandma's youngest daughter (of seven kids), and she lived with us for a really long time. I think Mom expects the same devotion from me... When in reality, I'm in admiration of my Dad for being so amiable to supporting his Mother-in-law when none of his counterparts on Mom's side would step in. And for Mom to constantly tell me what a terrible man my Dad is, while he was away at work and couldn't hear and defend himself to his kids. 

Took me so long to get a better picture of things.

/tangent

----------


## SmileyFace

> It's why I tell my Mom and her sister (Aunt Laura) that their reasons for having children are not sound in my personal moral compass. If you're having a child to be your life companion, such as what a lot of mothers seem to think of their youngest daughters, it's the wrong reason.
> 
> My Mom was Grandma's youngest daughter (of seven kids), and she lived with us for a really long time. I think Mom expects the same devotion from me... When in reality, I'm in admiration of my Dad for being so amiable to supporting his Mother-in-law when none of his counterparts on Mom's side would step in. And for Mom to constantly tell me what a terrible man my Dad is, while he was away at work and couldn't hear and defend himself to his kids. 
> 
> Took me so long to get a better picture of things.
> 
> /tangent



Yeah, my mom believes I shouldn't have any friends and that only SHE can be my friend. My best friend. It doesn't help that she takes pride in hardly having any friends, because she thinks I'm her only 'friend' and that is more than enough for her. She has also gone on and on before about how after I secure a good paying job and have a place of my own, she and dad will move in and live with me until they die.

No thanks.

She's even had this schedule set up... "you'll feed me 3x a day at this time... we'll look after your kids at these times when you're at work...." etc. It's scary and makes her just as overbearing than she already is.

When I move out, I am SO out of their grasps because otherwise, I'll go nuts.

----------


## Koalafan

> Yeah, my mom believes I shouldn't have any friends and that only SHE can be my friend. My best friend. It doesn't help that she takes pride in hardly having any friends, because she thinks I'm her only 'friend' and that is more than enough for her. She has also gone on and on before about how after I secure a good paying job and have a place of my own, she and dad will move in and live with me until they die.
> 
> No thanks.
> 
> She's even had this schedule set up... "you'll feed me 3x a day at this time... we'll look after your kids at these times when you're at work...." etc. It's scary and makes her just as overbearing than she already is.
> 
> When I move out, I am SO out of their grasps because otherwise, I'll go nuts.



Holy beejebus  ::(:  I would be moving to a different continent and make sure I have the absolute maximum amount of distance possible from her when I move out.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Holy beejebus  I would be moving to a different continent and make sure I have the absolute maximum amount of distance possible from her when I move out.



Yeah, ditto. I don't even know what to say to all of that other than: RUN.

----------


## Keddy

I know I'm setting myself up to get fired but I seriously couldn't give a rat's behind about this job anymore. I'm not going to quit, but if they let me go I'm not putting up a fight about it. For God's sakes, I came in today wearing shorts and a T-shirt. No one has talked to me about it yet but it's a blatant violation of the dress code and they all know it. Just because I'm a manager doesn't mean I can do whatever I want.
I don't mean to be an asshole, I'm just overworked and it's destroying my mental health. I have no free time Monday through Friday. I've been working two double shifts (12 to 14 hours) a week lately because people are incompetent and underqualified.
F*ck this place. The sooner I get canned the better. I'm more than qualified to find a better job.

----------


## SmileyFace

Just texted my BF after not having heard from him for about a week. I'm glad I just did so, but now I am extremely anxious... waiting to see if he even replies or what he replies with.

----------


## L

I hate suggesting ideas of what do to with my boyfriend, it makes me nervous, what if he doesn't like it - I have three days off this week, I just send him a suggestion, now waiting for a reply.....waiting makes me nervous.....

----------


## L

> Just texted my BF after not having heard from him for about a week. I'm glad I just did so, but now I am extremely anxious... waiting to see if he even replies or what he replies with.



What are we like - if you read my post it is a tiny bit on the same lines - but I hope you hear soon, a week is long and I am very curious now....

----------


## SmileyFace

> I hate suggesting ideas of what do to with my boyfriend, it makes me nervous, what if he doesn't like it - I have three days off this week, I just send him a suggestion, now waiting for a reply.....waiting makes me nervous.....







> What are we like - if you read my post it is a tiny bit on the same lines - but I hope you hear soon, a week is long and I am very curious now....



LOL I read that one post of yours before I got to this last post of yours, and I was like good god... the similarity! lol. I couldn't agree more... waiting sucks, especially when you haven't heard from someone for a little while out of nowhere.

I hope your bf gets back to you soon as well.

----------


## Keddy

Suicidal thoughts are coming back. I called my bf on the way home from work and we got in a bit of an argument, I said that the next time I think I'm going to kill myself I won't say anything and he's not going to get any warning, I'm just gonna do it and it's gonna come out of nowhere.
Now he's really upset with me and I don't think being angry is the way to approach that at all. I ended up cutting myself and now I feel stupid. He said "Don't count on sleeping in my bed tonight." As if it's only HIS bed. WTF.

----------


## L

> Suicidal thoughts are coming back. I called my bf on the way home from work and we got in a bit of an argument, I said that the next time I think I'm going to kill myself I won't say anything and he's not going to get any warning, I'm just gonna do it and it's gonna come out of nowhere.
> Now he's really upset with me and I don't think being angry is the way to approach that at all. I ended up cutting myself and now I feel stupid. He said "Don't count on sleeping in my bed tonight." As if it's only HIS bed. WTF.



Hey sweety - How would you fee if someone you loved said "_ the next time I think I'm going to kill myself I won't say anything and he's not going to get any warning, I'm just gonna do it and it's gonna come out of nowhere."_That is kind of a big deal. I am sorry you are feeling that way, use your supports **sending hugs***

----------


## Keddy

> Hey sweety - How would you fee if someone you loved said "_ the next time I think I'm going to kill myself I won't say anything and he's not going to get any warning, I'm just gonna do it and it's gonna come out of nowhere."_That is kind of a big deal. I am sorry you are feeling that way, use your supports **sending hugs***



I know it was wrong to say. I'm just overwhelmed. I hate my job and I was in a horrible mood today. I'm going to talk to him about it when he cools down. I just wish I hadn't cut.
If he breaks up with me for this, I totally deserve it  ::(:

----------


## L

> I know it was wrong to say. I'm just overwhelmed. I hate my job and I was in a horrible mood today. I'm going to talk to him about it when he cools down. I just wish I hadn't cut.
> If he breaks up with me for this, I totally deserve it



Look after your wounds from cutting and try to remember that it does not help how you feel.

----------


## SmileyFace

It's only been a little over 2 hours since I last texted my BF and I'm already crying out of frustration. I don't mind constantly texting him (in a non-clingy) way until I get a response (he wanted me to do this last summer -- long story), but the emotions at this point are a bit much for me.

I'm trying to think back to how things have been going between us, especially the last 2-3 days I talked to him, and nothing really makes sense. Things were okay, so I don't know what is going on.

I'm tryng to be patient here.... trying not to look at my phone as much, but I cannot help it.

----------


## Keddy

Bf calmed down. He's not angry anymore and he apologized for blowing up at me. We talked about my suicidal thoughts and tried together to come up with better ways to deal with them than cutting or getting angry. I told him I was sorry and that what I said was wrong and assured him that I am not going to kill myself, I wouldn't do that to him, especially not without warning like I said. I was just overloaded from work.
He said he thinks that I should start trying to find a new job and think seriously about quitting the one I have now. He says they're pushing me too hard and he doesn't like it. He wants me to be happier... I wish I could be happier too  ::(:

----------


## Keddy

I'm also upset today because I did something that I know was the right thing to do but I still regret it  ::(: 
I was going to get a puppy and I was all set to buy him and everything and we were going to go pick him up soon, but I called the breeder today and told her that I don't think it would be fair to the puppy for bf and I to take him. We're still living in his parents' house, we're both students and have jobs, and we have two other dogs and are getting a cat tomorrow. I know it was the right decision to make but I feel sad about it.
I really hope the little guy goes to a good home  ::(:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

No one likes me at work, and the constant fear of being incompetent and hated and fired the next day  ::'(:

----------


## SmileyFace

4 hours, still nothing.

I know it's only been 4 hours, but still. It hurts more and more the longer this is going on for. This makes me feel like a totally clingy GF and whatnot even though he has complained before time and time again that I'm rather distant.

I know he usually doesn't give a crap about his phone when at home anyway, and there's no doubt in my mind that he hasn't been near it for the past couple hours, but still...

This is worrying me more and more. I can't stop thinking about this. I can't stop wondering what could possibly be the reason(s) behind not talking for a week. Did I do something wrong? Did something happen?

He messaged me first the last time we spoke (via Skype), but I had to get going to sleep since I was super sleepy and had to wake up early the next day. I felt bad since I'm sure he wanted to talk about his graduation ceremony, but I had to get going. I should have texted him the next morning saying sorry for having to log off so quickly, and set up a hangout date for the week so we could talk about graduation.

So many what-if's been going through my head. I don't even know which one could be correct. I won't ever know until I get a hold of him, and who knows when that'll be.

I now feel like a freakin crazy [BEEP] now. Clingy and needy. But I just cannot help but be worried and freaked out since we were talkin everyday or every other day.... then suddenly, this happens.

I don't even know what to do with myself. I was going to send him a pic of some BBQ food we're having at my place later tonight... and not text him again until Thursday or Friday if I still do not hear from him....

This is so stressful.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> 4 hours, still nothing.
> 
> I know it's only been 4 hours, but still. It hurts more and more the longer this is going on for. This makes me feel like a totally clingy GF and whatnot even though he has complained before time and time again that I'm rather distant.
> 
> I know he usually doesn't give a crap about his phone when at home anyway, and there's no doubt in my mind that he hasn't been near it for the past couple hours, but still...
> 
> This is worrying me more and more. I can't stop thinking about this. I can't stop wondering what could possibly be the reason(s) behind not talking for a week. Did I do something wrong? Did something happen?
> 
> He messaged me first the last time we spoke (via Skype), but I had to get going to sleep since I was super sleepy and had to wake up early the next day. I felt bad since I'm sure he wanted to talk about his graduation ceremony, but I had to get going. I should have texted him the next morning saying sorry for having to log off so quickly, and set up a hangout date for the week so we could talk about graduation.
> ...



You have a right to be concerned. Is this the longest you've gone without hearing from him before? It's ridiculous that he hasn't gotten back to you yet. I'd be reacting the same way in your situation. Hope you hear something soon!

----------


## SmileyFace

> You have a right to be concerned. Is this the longest you've gone without hearing from him before? It's ridiculous that he hasn't gotten back to you yet. I'd be reacting the same way in your situation. Hope you hear something soon!



No. We broke up briefly last summer but remained friends, then one day didn't hear from him for a month.

----------


## Koalafan

Having wild emotional swings tonight =/

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I'm hearing things. This is so fucking scary.. its like someone laughing, and breathing heavily outside my ears. I screamed and my neighbours must think I'm insane. I can't sleep, make it shut up. And those mumbled voices have better be actual voices.

Now is not the time to be developing psychosis. Maybe I need sleep and a good dose of sanity and stress-reliever in a pill.

----------


## Keddy

My coworkers made an obnoxious video of me and forwarded it to each other and now I just got copied on it as well. God, if I had only known they were filming, I would have NEVER done and said some of the things that were in that video... But the sad reality of it is, that's my personality  ::(: 
Now that I know how weird I must look to other people, that I'm a spectacle to laugh at and make fun of because I'm awkward and apparently I think I'm funny, I might as well just not talk anymore. I can't believe their cameras were on. This is what I get for working at a film studio.
The thing about it that bothers me the most is that I had no idea I was on camera and I was acting natural. I'm totally weird. This crushes all the dreams I ever had about NOT being weird. I don't even like my personality. I never want to see myself again.

----------


## Koalafan

> I'm hearing things. This is so fucking scary.. its like someone laughing, and breathing heavily outside my ears. I screamed and my neighbours must think I'm insane. I can't sleep, make it shut up. And those mumbled voices have better be actual voices.
> 
> Now is not the time to be developing psychosis. Maybe I need sleep and a good dose of sanity and stress-reliever in a pill.



 :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

In the break room at work, eating lunch, and happened to be sitting right next to a girl who was painting her nails. All the windows were closed in the break room and now I feel like I'm high as a kite. Why the hell was she painting her nails during her lunch break anyway? People never cease to amaze me, and not in a good way.

----------


## Keddy

I think I may leave here soon. No sense in me sticking around, I annoy everybody and I'm a self-centered piece of crap. Sorry you guys have had to put up with me since December. I'll be out of everyone's hair soon enough.

----------


## SmileyFace

Nooooo, don't leave this forum keddddddy!  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

Finally heard from BF again. It wasn't anything personal.. he was just busy hanging out with his sister who was visiting from outta state. He still shoulda said something, but oh well. But, my anxiety overall is still lingering today a bit. He said we'll decide later today where and when we can hang out later this week, but I'm scared I won't get a hold of him again. This anxiety [BEEP] is getting ridiculous.

It's been affecting my breathing as well. I notice before that I just subconsciously stop breathing when my levels of anxiety are high enough, and it's definitely been the case as of lately. It's annoying especially today because I couldn't work out at the gym without feeling as if I was going to pass out or something.

I guess all I can do to make it stop is to work on gradually reducing my anxiety. But first, I have to work on ridding the negative thinking in general. I worry too much. I'm scared of everything lately. It's total BS.

_NOTE: No wonder I've been a big [BEEP] stressing out and experiencing so much more anxiety hell... my period just arrived._

----------


## Koalafan

Took me two hours to figure I was missing an "s" in my syntax which destroyed all my code....oh coding  :Tongue:

----------


## QuietCalamity

Almost had a panic attack for no reason. Well, it was because I had to talk to a professor about an assignment I missed. But for no reason I was so anxious I almost cried, then I was so anxious about the almost-crying in public it almost turned into a full-on panic attack. I hate how crying is my first sign if panic. Crying in public is like the worst humiliation for me.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> I think I may leave here soon. No sense in me sticking around, I annoy everybody and I'm a self-centered piece of crap. Sorry you guys have had to put up with me since December. I'll be out of everyone's hair soon enough.



NO you are my only friend so far so you can't I FORBID IT  :bat:

----------


## Kesky

> Took me two hours to figure I was missing an "s" in my syntax which destroyed all my code....oh coding



I have such horrible attention to detail. I'd never make it coding. Sometimes I think that I'd be so much better off if I could just concentrate, lol.

----------


## Kesky

> Almost had a panic attack for no reason. Well, it was because I had to talk to a professor about an assignment I missed. But for no reason I was so anxious I almost cried, then I was so anxious about the almost-crying in public it almost turned into a full-on panic attack. I hate how crying is my first sign if panic. Crying in public is like the worst humiliation for me.



when I was much younger that's exactly how my panic attacks started and then over time I learned how to deaden my exterior to deal with it. That strategy almost works too well. It's almost as horrifying stuffing feelings as feeling them. I hope for a middle ground for you. *hugs*

----------


## Koalafan

> I have such horrible attention to detail. I'd never make it coding. Sometimes I think that I'd be so much better off if I could just concentrate, lol.



Coding can absolutely make you question your existence sometimes  :Tongue:  lol BUt when you figure something out it makes it all the more satisfying!  ::D:

----------


## Keddy

> NO you are my only friend so far so you can't I FORBID IT



I'll stay  :Hug:  I'm sorry. My personal life is destroying me right now and I've been taking it out on this site. It isn't fair of me. You guys don't deserve it and it would be childish of me to leave because I can't handle my own stress.
I won't go anywhere Cal  :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

> I'll stay  I'm sorry. My personal life is destroying me right now and I've been taking it out on this site. It isn't fair of me. You guys don't deserve it and it would be childish of me to leave because I can't handle my own stress.
> I won't go anywhere Cal



You need a dancing flower in your life, that is all *hug*  :flower: 

I don't know how to stop being paranoid about everyone around me  ::(:

----------


## Keddy

> You need a dancing flower in your life, that is all *hug* 
> 
> I don't know how to stop being paranoid about everyone around me



Thank you, Smiley  :Hug:  
That dancing flower... That little fucker sure does brighten one's day LOL!!
I don't know how to stop being paranoid either. I wish I did  ::(: 
I know you guys don't hate me. The real problem is that I hate MYSELF.

----------


## SmileyFace

> Thank you, Smiley  
> That dancing flower... That little fucker sure does brighten one's day LOL!!
> I don't know how to stop being paranoid either. I wish I did 
> I know you guys don't hate me. The real problem is that I hate MYSELF.



If only such a flower really existed in person lol I'm sure there's something like it.. those funky ones you put on your car dashboard thingy lol

Yeah... it's scary how paranoid I've gotten within the past few weeks. I believe the only way I could drastically reduce or totally stop it all is if I spend more time away from the computer and home... go out more and just live my life. Just be.

The more I try to make sense of my problems as well as the situations I make up in my mind that I somehow manage to believe to be true when it isn't at all, the more I mess myself up just as much. My mind is totally screwed up this week and I'm now in the process of "rewiring" everything back to how I was months before, especially back in December and January when my parents were out of the country. I was myself for once and hardly experienced anxiety. I'm trying to think back to how I did it all.

I need to just be. Stop thinking into things. I've been overthinking... like, everything. It's insane. I'm driving myself insane. It's already super  bad as it is, so I don't need things to get worse than this.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> I'll stay  I'm sorry. My personal life is destroying me right now and I've been taking it out on this site. It isn't fair of me. You guys don't deserve it and it would be childish of me to leave because I can't handle my own stress.
> I won't go anywhere Cal



Awe it's ok. I know how you feel. Sometimes I get in that mood where I am convinced that I have misjudged every positive social interaction I've ever had in my life. And it doesn't feel like a mood, it feels like sudden clarity. But then the next day or maybe the one after it's gone.

----------


## Keddy

> Awe it's ok. I know how you feel. *Sometimes I get in that mood where I am convinced that I have misjudged every positive social interaction I've ever had in my life. And it doesn't feel like a mood, it feels like sudden clarity.* But then the next day or maybe the one after it's gone.



You hit the nail on the head, LOL. That is exactly how I was feeling today. I think I'm doing better now though. Just had a really rotten day.

----------


## Koalafan

I dont know why but I really hate myself today

----------


## Keddy

Sometimes I hear stuff and it just makes me really mad. And sad. 
I think that the way some straight men treat and talk about women is sickening. I would never say such demeaning, sexually inappropriate things about my boyfriend, so why would they say those things about their girlfriends or other women?!
Of course I don't mean all straight guys, btw. Just the ones I end up hearing say some pretty rotten things.
And I overhear conversations a lot at work where guys are sitting around talking about girls they think are attractive, and the things they say are heartbreakingly awful  ::(:  It's so rude. I heard a guy who works with me say something about one of my female coworkers and I told him to shut the hell up. I also hate hearing guys brag about how many girls they hook up with and how they "do it" with one girl and they're "on to the next one." How sick! Would I ever do that to a cute guy? Absolutely not! So why do they insist on doing these horrible things? Poor girls  ::(:

----------


## Keddy

> I dont know why but I really hate myself today



 :Hug:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I have no motivation to leave the house.

My molar is sore lately. I notice it mostly when I floss, but it's definitely not my gums. Maybe my filling is coming out. I'm definitely not going to the dentist until I've got medical coverage again. Too flippin' expensive. 

I'm on day #4 or so of no caffeine. Guess who wants caffeine. I wonder if taking care of my vitamin deficiencies would help at all. I should have all the energy in the world. I do nothing with my days and I get 8 hours of sleep.

----------


## Keddy

I find it weird and it kind of bothers me that several people I grew up with are married, engaged, or having kids... Given that most people who I graduated high school with are 21 or 22, I guess it isn't so far out of the realm of normality, but when I look at those people compared to where I am in my life, it feels strange. I mean, I work a full-time job and everything, and I live an adult life, yet I don't really feel like an adult.

----------


## Ironman

> Suicidal thoughts are coming back. I called my bf on the way home from work and we got in a bit of an argument, I said that the next time I think I'm going to kill myself I won't say anything and he's not going to get any warning, I'm just gonna do it and it's gonna come out of nowhere.
> Now he's really upset with me and I don't think being angry is the way to approach that at all. I ended up cutting myself and now I feel stupid. He said "Don't count on sleeping in my bed tonight." As if it's only HIS bed. WTF.







> Hey sweety - How would you fee if someone you loved said "_ the next time I think I'm going to kill myself I won't say anything and he's not going to get any warning, I'm just gonna do it and it's gonna come out of nowhere."_That is kind of a big deal. I am sorry you are feeling that way, use your supports **sending hugs***







> I know it was wrong to say. I'm just overwhelmed. I hate my job and I was in a horrible mood today. I'm going to talk to him about it when he cools down. I just wish I hadn't cut.
> If he breaks up with me for this, I totally deserve it



It's too much.  I can't think anymore.  This is scary.

----------


## Keddy

> It's too much.  I can't think anymore.  This is scary.



I'm going to be alright. I've had a lot going on in my personal life, more than I feel is appropriate to talk about on here... I'm getting help. I've just been very depressed. I think a lot of it has to do with my job.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> So why do they insist on doing these horrible things? Poor girls



Good ole misogyny. Men like that don't see women as people, just sex objects that are supposed to please them. And they get macho points for disrespecting women for some reason. If you ever get a chance, I highly recommend a Women and Gender Studies class. They make all that stuff make sense.

----------


## Keddy

> Good ole misogyny. Men like that don't see women as people, just sex objects that are supposed to please them. And they get macho points for disrespecting women for some reason. If you ever get a chance, I highly recommend a Women and Gender Studies class. They make all that stuff make sense.



My boyfriend tried explaining it to me... I don't have a Facebook so I see why I miss the boat on a lot of these social interest topics. My bf was like "Um, Keddy, you don't hang out with a lot of straight guys, do you?" and then logged into his Facebook and showed me what straight men "Like" pictures of... This was my reaction... O.O
Gross. Just gross. Disrespectful and gross. I think it's also disturbing to see what kinds of pictures some girls take of themselves.

----------


## SmileyFace

Tired. Half asleep. Slightly anxious. Can't wait for this shift to be over so I can get out of the house.

----------


## L

People are in my life to let me down - sigh - I need to stop thinking people want to be around me for my sake.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

The fact that I came home from work, sat down, and once again did nothing for three hours.

----------


## Keddy

> People are in my life to let me down - sigh - I need to stop thinking people want to be around me for my sake.



 :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

My bf and I met up with Dominic for dinner tonight... On the bright side, Dominic hasn't been ignoring me, I misunderstood. As usual.
On the not-so-bright side, we had Greek pizza and I'm not feeling so well  ::(:  I'm going to have to take Greek pizza off the list of things my stomach can handle.
And I skipped the gym today. Bad Keddy.

----------


## SmileyFace

Anxious. Thinking worst-case scenarios again.

----------


## orb

Yes, anything IS bothering me right now.

----------


## nothing

I thought I had a victory because I resisted the temptation to drink and take benzos in order to treat my panic attacks I've been having more of lately, but today I woke up with another one and I took phenibut to try to even myself out for the day. It's not alcohol or benzos, but it is a drug and I wanted to stop those because I ALWAYS end up abusing them. Now I'm frustrated and angry with myself which isn't helpful and I'm angry about being angry. I can never control this, it completely owns me.

----------


## nothing

> Yes, anything IS bothering me right now.



Heh, thanks for posting this! I feel the same way, anything and EVERYTHING is bothering me right now!!

----------


## L

> 



Thanks hun x

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

That I haven't gotten my tax return yet. What gives? Other people have gotten theirs already.

----------


## QuietCalamity

My dog is afraid of me when I cook. When Tim cooks, Roxie is all up in the kitchen begging. When I cook, she hides. I don't feed her scraps as much, but that shouldn't make her want to hide in the bathroom! I don't think I've ever even yelled at her in the kitchen. I don't like her being afraid of me.

----------


## nothing

> My dog is afraid of me when I cook. When Tim cooks, Roxie is all up in the kitchen begging. When I cook, she hides. I don't feed her scraps as much, but that shouldn't make her want to hide in the bathroom! I don't think I've ever even yelled at her in the kitchen. I don't like her being afraid of me.



Hm, maybe she's just trying to manipulate you into giving her more scraps, dogs can be pretty clever  ::):

----------


## QuietCalamity

> Hm, maybe she's just trying to manipulate you into giving her more scraps, dogs can be pretty clever



Haha yes, she can be pretty manipulative. She's a total suck-up when she wants something.

----------


## Koalafan

High amount of anxiety and paranoia tonight...

----------


## SmileyFace

Just came home minutes ago and my mom was already annoying as [BEEP] the moment I walked into the apartment. Asked me a million questions about all sorts of junk. Kept asking me if I want to eat this or that so she could prepare it for me. I don't like it when she offers to do stuff for me because then she just guilt trips me in the end anyway.

She was trying to talk about all sorts of junk that she knew would annoy me (she was baiting me over some things). I didn't really respond much, so she just got all upset, saying me and my brother are always too tired or busy to talk to her.

Well, there's no point in talking to her. The only time she wants to talk us is if she wants something from us (i.e., $$ and material things; worshiping her), and to [BEEP] at us for the dumbest shit.

My brother and I have been trying to find all sorts of things to do to keep us productive and proactive in life, and this bothers the [BEEP] out of her. She's always complaining that "we don't care about family anymore" and that "family doesn't even exist to us anymore."

What family? Family (and loved ones in general, really) don't guilt trip one another, wanting each other to fail at whatever goals they have so they could "give up" and please so-and-so.

Absolutely pathetic.

I came back from a good day out in the LA area as well... so please just keep your mouth shut and let me live my life in peace while still having to deal with you. *sigh*

----------


## Koalafan

Nothing like a night full of no sleep, constant nightmares, and high paranoia  :Tongue:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I'm so upset. I called back home and my tax return didn't arrive by mail, and it wasn't deposited into my bank account. The fucking CRA is asking for a figure from my 2012 tax return in order to register me online to view where it could have gone.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Nothing like a night full of no sleep, constant nightmares, and high paranoia



 :bopa: 

Come over here for a boppa! Then maybe you can get some sleep.  ::D:

----------


## Koalafan

> Come over here for a boppa! Then maybe you can get some sleep.



Haha! Maybe a good boppa is exactly what I need to get some good rest  :Tongue:

----------


## L

I have that depressed feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can't handle too well

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I have a stomachache, and I'm bloated.

----------


## Koalafan

Really bad depression lately...it feels like it's consuming my soul

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Oh boy, It's my birthday. The number attached to my life goes up and I'm still just as miserable as I was the year before, and the dozen years before that. Still unemployed, still afraid to go out or do anything other than just sit in my room, still alone, and still feeling lost, incapable, hopeless, and growing evermore resentful of my mother and the fact that I'm still living with her. I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of never-ending existential crisis, I really don't know what point of me being alive is or what I'm going to do with myself. I've got that terrible "sinking" feeling of anxiety in my chest and I'm shedding a few tears as I write this. The walls keep closing in and I don't feel like it's going to end well for me after all is said and done.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Oh boy, It's my birthday. The number attached to my life goes up and I'm still just as miserable as I was the year before, and the dozen years before that. Still unemployed, still afraid to go out or do anything other than just sit in my room, still alone, and still feeling lost, incapable, hopeless, and growing evermore resentful of my mother and the fact that I'm still living with her. I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of never-ending existential crisis, I really don't know what point of me being alive is or what I'm going to do with myself. I've got that terrible "sinking" feeling of anxiety in my chest and I'm shedding a few tears as I write this. The walls keep closing in and I don't feel like it's going to end well for me after all is said and done.



 :Hug:  Happy birthday honey. Everyone's path is different, and everyone gets to where they need to be at different paces. I don't think many people even know where they're going most of the time. Try not to think too much about where you think you should be, or at what point "said and done" is supposed to be. Try taking small steps... Right now, the most important thing is for you to be able to find joy in life again. I already know you're a quality and intelligent person, and I think you know it too. The current/temporary circumstances of your life have just blurred it. I'm glad you were able to turn another year older.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Happy birthday honey. Everyone's path is different, and everyone gets to where they need to be at different paces. I don't think many people even know where they're going most of the time. Try not to think too much about where you think you should be, or at what point "said and done" is supposed to be. Try taking small steps... Right now, the most important thing is for you to be able to find joy in life again. I already know you're a quality and intelligent person, and I think you know it too. *The current/temporary circumstances of your life have just blurred it.* I'm glad you were able to turn another year older.



I can relate to this. I have a lot of trouble not feeling literally and figuratively stuck in my current situation. Well, to be honest I haven't been able to shake the feeling for longer than a moment after things got bad. But things were different before, so they can be different again. I'm such a negative person. I've been trying to be more thankful of the things I have and try to look at the future with a more hopeful outlook. It's a test of my patience, that much is certain. Most days I fail, but it's all I've got and so I'm doing it. Things start to seem very overwhelming and out of reach at a certain point when you're unemployed. The monotony is a good breeding ground for depression, I've found. Anyway, I'm glad you were able to turn a year older as well, Banana. I've got a birthday coming up and am dreading it, but I'm trying to think of it as just another day. Since really that's all it is, right? I agree with what inane said about not thinking about where you "should" be. I hate thinking that, as it's sole purpose is to you you feel worthless. Not everybody is going to succeed in life at the same time. We're all on different paths here. I knew pretty early on there was no way I'd be following my classmates into college or university or even a job straight after high school. I'll get there when the time is right for me, and no sooner. One day at a time.

----------


## Keddy

The motel room my bf and I stayed in this weekend for the dog show didn't have internet, so I couldn't come on here. Don't worry guys, I'm not dead and I didn't do anything stupid, just took on a new job that's going to require me to stay in motels with bad internet service sometimes  :Tongue: 
---
My mouth is doing that anxious-drooling-swallowing thing right now and it's driving me nuts. I don't even know what I'm so anxious about. I had a pretty good day and a pretty good weekend overall. This is annoying.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Nothing like waking up to a giant pimple on your face on Monday morning.

----------


## SmileyFace

> Nothing like waking up to a giant pimple on your face on Monday morning.



I hate it when it's a giant pimple that you can't see too well but it hurts like a [BEEP] when you touch it lol

Kinda blah this morning. Can't wait to head over to the local library by my apartment after I get back from my internship. Really don't want to go home right away anymore no matter how tired I am. If I'm tired, I'll go to the local library. If not, I'll go to the gym. My body needs to rest from the workouts I had the past few days, then I'll get back into Zumba tomorrow morning.

Meh, anything to not be at home as much. My mom's gonna be all WTF what took so long, but whatever. I'll just say I was stuck in traffic for a while... which isn't too big a lie. Traffic going home is a [BEEP] anyway (about 2 hours), but ya...

----------


## Keddy

> Nothing like waking up to a giant pimple on your face on Monday morning.







> I hate it when it's *a giant pimple that you can't see too well but it hurts like a [BEEP] when you touch it* lol



^That is exactly what happened to me this morning. And it's one of those that's under the skin and it hurts like a mother fucker. I also have one on my forehead.
I NEVER get acne. Never ever ever. So this is really weird. My bf's face breaks out a lot but mine never has. So all of a sudden I have zits. WTF.

----------


## Jazz

> I'm so upset. I called back home and my tax return didn't arrive by mail, and it wasn't deposited into my bank account. The fucking CRA is asking for a figure from my 2012 tax return in order to register me online to view where it could have gone.



damn them. that is horrible of them, i hope everything pans out alright. I had troubles with my health insurance and doctors office just last week, they had going around and bouncing back and forth between them like a ping pong ball. long waiting on the phone, i nearly went insane. looking for some obscure piece of information would drive me up the wall. best of luck

----------


## Jazz

> The motel room my bf and I stayed in this weekend for the dog show didn't have internet, so I couldn't come on here. Don't worry guys, I'm not dead and I didn't do anything stupid, just took on a new job that's going to require me to stay in motels with bad internet service sometimes 
> ---
> My mouth is doing that anxious-drooling-swallowing thing right now and it's driving me nuts. I don't even know what I'm so anxious about. I had a pretty good day and a pretty good weekend overall. This is annoying.



oh wow, you got a new job? er is it a new task for your job ? well anywho hope your week gets better and you start feeling better =) damn anxiety

----------


## Keddy

> oh wow, you got a new job? er is it a new task for your job ? well anywho hope your week gets better and you start feeling better =) damn anxiety



I did get a new job. I quit my job at the film studio because I had a job offer handling dogs in dog shows. I took the offer, obviously. Who doesn't want to get paid to hang out with dogs?

----------


## Jazz

> I did get a new job. I quit my job at the film studio because I had a job offer handling dogs in dog shows. I took the offer, obviously. Who doesn't want to get paid to hang out with dogs?




oh good for you!! that's nice you get to do something that you can really enjoy =) working in a film studio sounds awesome, but if the people are a***** then well why bother? I wanted to work for the music end of the film business, composing =p but alas i am now an english major =p

----------


## L

more people pissing me off - think I might plan a holiday on my own

----------


## QuietCalamity

Today was preeeeeety awful. First, I forgot my phone at home. Then I zoned out because I only slept 4 hours last night and took the wrong exit. I of course panicked, because without Siri I'm helpless. I had to drive all over to find my way so I was late to work. Then the last work meeting of the day ran long. On the way home I had to drive through a storm and just when I was close to home there was a bad accident right by my exit. I had to make a U-turn on the highway and drive another 30 mins. I was anxious about how worried Tim would be because I was so late getting home. I finally walked in the door SO ready for a big hug and kiss.... And he was gone. In the ER with a possibly strangulated testicle. He doesn't want me to visit him because he knows I'm exhausted and I have a paper due tomorrow. I'm just done. X_X

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Today was preeeeeety awful. First, I forgot my phone at home. Then I zoned out because I only slept 4 hours last night and took the wrong exit. I of course panicked, because without Siri I'm helpless. I had to drive all over to find my way so I was late to work. Then the last work meeting of the day ran long. On the way home I had to drive through a storm and just when I was close to home there was a bad accident right by my exit. I had to make a U-turn on the highway and drive another 30 mins. I was anxious about how worried Tim would be because I was so late getting home. I finally walked in the door SO ready for a big hug and kiss.... And he was gone. In the ER with a possibly strangulated testicle. He doesn't want me to visit him because he knows I'm exhausted and I have a paper due tomorrow. I'm just done. X_X



Hang in there  :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

We got our new cat, Charlotte, the other day and she's a longhaired kitty. The A/C is broken in the house right now and it's been 80 degrees all day so the poor girl is all hot and stressed out  ::(:  Bf and I are trying to figure out a way to cool her off, so we put a fan in front of her bed and hopefully that will help. My poor kitty  ::(: 

Oh, and... #1000th post!!!  ::D:

----------


## Ironman

> In the break room at work, eating lunch, and happened to be sitting right next to a girl who was painting her nails. All the windows were closed in the break room and now I feel like I'm high as a kite. Why the hell was she painting her nails during her lunch break anyway? People never cease to amaze me, and not in a good way.



It was probably a silly nail color like ....... "spring sunset pink"......or "passion frost".

I'd buy her a sweatshirt  :: .





> I think I may leave here soon. No sense in me sticking around, I annoy everybody and I'm a self-centered piece of crap. Sorry you guys have had to put up with me since December. I'll be out of everyone's hair soon enough.



Who said all that?  I don't think anyone here did.  ::s:

----------


## Keddy

> It was probably a silly nail color like ....... "spring sunset pink"......or "passion frost".
> 
> I'd buy her a sweatshirt .
> 
> 
> Who said all that?  I don't think anyone here did.



Oh no, no one here said that. I was having a really shitty day when I posted that, I was being hard on myself. No worries.

And I see you're still on it about the sweatshirt!  ::

----------


## Keddy

I'm really sleepy but I'm too anxious to go to bed. I was having a pretty bad hypochondria/medical anxiety episode earlier and I still feel... not quite right.
My boyfriend keeps promising me that I'm going to be OK but I really think something is wrong. I keep having these weird pains and I'm afraid it's my liver again because that's where the pain is. I might go back to the doctor. I'm really scared  ::'(:

----------


## Keddy

Liver pain getting really intense. Bf wants to take me to the ER  ::(:

----------


## Keddy

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! After spending two hours in the waiting room and three hours in the ER and having a freaking CT scan, it turns out that the pain I was having is from- dramatic pause- ...A God damn pulled muscle. -__-
All that anxiety for nothing. I had a panic attack earlier because of this.
I was CONVINCED that it was my liver and I was freaking out in the hospital and even ASKED for the CT scan... All for nothing. GAAAHH!!!  ::@:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! After spending two hours in the waiting room and three hours in the ER and having a freaking CT scan, it turns out that the pain I was having is from- dramatic pause- ...A God damn pulled muscle. -__-
> All that anxiety for nothing. I had a panic attack earlier because of this.
> I was CONVINCED that it was my liver and I was freaking out in the hospital and even ASKED for the CT scan... All for nothing. GAAAHH!!!



Glad you're okay  :Hug: 

Pulled muscles can be hugely painful though. I had what I though was a pulled muscle before and couldn't even pull myself out of bed the pain was so bad. I like to think I have a high threshold for pain, but DAMN. 

Not too long ago you were in for surgery, so it's not like you were being completely irrational.

----------


## Keddy

> Glad you're okay 
> 
> Pulled muscles can be hugely painful though. I had what I though was a pulled muscle before and couldn't even pull myself out of bed the pain was so bad. I like to think I have a high threshold for pain, but DAMN. 
> 
> *Not too long ago you were in for surgery, so it's not like you were being completely irrational*.



Thanks, I'm glad I'm OK too  :Hug: 
It definitely was a pulled muscle because they gave me a sheet with some stretches to do for it at the hospital and I did them and the pain is much much better now. This is what I get for going into full-force workout mode haha. 
My boyfriend said the same exact thing about it  not being irrational because I've had surgery recently. Great minds think alike  :;):

----------


## Rawr

Slipped on a slippery rock at the lake twice yesterday. First time I fell with my neck turned & the 2nd time I fell on my head. It only took a day for the lump on my head to heal but I believe I've sprained my neck. Going to the Hospital later today for X-Rays & possibly a neck brace. My neck & spine hurt like hell, the back of my neck is blue & there's something sticking out of my neck like a little lump. 

The one time I actually get invited anywhere with people & I nearly kill myself. FML lol.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Trying to purchase SweatBlock. Finally found someone who will ship it to my location, but cancelled the order after the conversion calculations were made. I am not paying $50.13 for this stuff. Twenty dollars + shipping? Sure, I'll risk that...not fifty! I'm sure it's just as useless as all the other products I've tried anyway. Or too irritating. I'd bet money on that. Well, I guess it doesn't matter that I've put off buying the stuff for so long because I can't buy it anyway.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Slipped on a slippery rock at the lake twice yesterday. First time I fell with my neck turned & the 2nd time I fell on my head. It only took a day for the lump on my head to heal but I believe I've sprained my neck. Going to the Hospital later today for X-Rays & possibly a neck brace. My neck & spine hurt like hell, the back of my neck is blue & there's something sticking out of my neck like a little lump. 
> 
> The one time I actually get invited anywhere with people & I nearly kill myself. FML lol.



Ouch! >.<

Hopefully those x-rays don't show anything too scary.  :Hug:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

The realization that it doesn't matter where I am, work is work. Same shit, different colour.

----------


## Keddy

My bf is in such a bad mood and it's starting to drag me down too. This is the dark side of living together, I guess.
I'm not mad at him, I just wish he would tell me why he's upset instead of snapping at me about stupid things like cleaning our bedroom and not picking up my stuff from the couch (we were playing video games earlier and I left my controller out and some other stuff). It's just petty stuff. I understand I get pissy too sometimes but I wish he would talk about it instead of treating me like the enemy.

----------


## QuietCalamity

I played hookie from class today. Tim tried to convince me that if I stayed home with him I'd be doing him a favor since he's sick and in pain. But it was for me. I just slept all day and ate junk food. I know I needed the sleep but I don't feel better at all. I wish I would have gone to class or at least gone to the gym or something instead.

----------


## SmileyFace

A little anxious tonight. Going to go sleep soon...

----------


## Rawr

> Ouch! >.<
> 
> Hopefully those x-rays don't show anything too scary.



Nothing showed up thank goodness! Also had a Cat-Scan done & nothing showed up on it either  ::): . I wore a neck brace the entire time I was at the ER but got to take it off when I left. It helped but I was glad to take it off lol. I just got Whiplash & a Head Contusion. They told me to keep taking Ibuprofen or Motrin & put a heat pack on my neck. I should be better in about a couple of weeks I assume.  :Hug:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Among many things, I'm running out of food.

----------


## SmileyFace

Flashbacks of sexual abuse.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Nothing showed up thank goodness! Also had a Cat-Scan done & nothing showed up on it either . I wore a neck brace the entire time I was at the ER but got to take it off when I left. It helped but I was glad to take it off lol. I just got Whiplash & a Head Contusion. They told me to keep taking Ibuprofen or Motrin & put a heat pack on my neck. I should be better in about a couple of weeks I assume.



That's great news! Glad you don't have to continue wearing that pesky neck brace.  :Tongue: 
Shouldn't be too long before you're back to normal.

----------


## Keddy

Grrr... I have to lose three more pounds. THREE MORE. This is so frustrating. It hasn't taken me long at all to lose as much weight as I have, and I  need to lose three more to reach my goal. I know I can do it, it's just bugging me. Just go away already, stupid body fat.

----------


## Kesky

thinking about getting rid of my musical instruments and possibly some other dream reminders. I'm beginning to resent them. It's not their fault but yeah.

----------


## Rawr

> That's great news! Glad you don't have to continue wearing that pesky neck brace. 
> Shouldn't be too long before you're back to normal.



lol I know right!?! & yeah.  ::): 

So far today I've felt better but I've had headaches randomly & terrible spinal pain but that's from the whiplash.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> thinking about getting rid of my musical instruments and possibly some other dream reminders. I'm beginning to resent them. It's not their fault but yeah.



What's stopping you?
It's never too late for now!

----------


## Kesky

> What's stopping you?
> It's never too late for now!



 you're right cal. i've always stopped myself for some reason. thank you. i'll see if i can put together some consistent practice. 

lol, where did you find that pic, haha.   :Hug:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My apartment is a complete and utter sty. I've been avoiding spending money on cleaning supplies but it looks like I'll have no choice.

----------


## Kirsebaer

I haven't experienced this much anxiety in like a year

----------


## QuietCalamity

> you're right cal. i've always stopped myself for some reason. thank you. i'll see if i can put together some consistent practice. 
> 
> lol, where did you find that pic, haha.



Go you! Every minute counts!

It's from one of my favorite episodes of 30 Rock where Pete and Frank decide they are not too old to start a band and produce a classic rock song called "It's Never Too Late (For Now)". Meanwhile Liz has given up on love so she starts wearing a chip clip in her hair and adopts "daughter-cat" Emily Dickinson.
"I can fit Emily Dickinson's whole head in my mouth. Wanna see?"

----------


## Keddy

Yahoo Mail is broken  ::@:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I haven't experienced this much anxiety in like a year



Hope it passes soon, Kirse.  :Hug:  Is there anything is particular that's bothering you?

-----------

I waited too long to eat and went into "eat all of the things" mode and now I hate myself for it. I must want myself to suffer or something. I could have easily made myself something healthier to eat but I chose not to, knowing I would regret it. It's the only thing I can think of that makes sense. I wish extra weight wasn't so blatantly obvious on small frames. I would have gone for a walk to the store today too, but we basically had hurricane winds. The weather here can really blow sometimes. Get it...blow? 'Cause it's windy?  ::D: 
I'll be seeing myself out now...

But seriously. The wind here. WTF.

----------


## Kesky

> I haven't experienced this much anxiety in like a year



 :Hug:  hope it passes soon.

----------


## Kesky

> Hope it passes soon, Kirse.  Is there anything is particular that's bothering you?
> 
> -----------
> 
> I waited too long to eat and went into "eat all of the things" mode and now I hate myself for it. I must want myself to suffer or something. I could have easily made myself something healthier to eat but I chose not to, knowing I would regret it. It's the only thing I can think of that makes sense. I wish extra weight wasn't so blatantly obvious on small frames. I would have gone for a walk to the store today too, but we basically had hurricane winds. The weather here can really blow sometimes. Get it...blow? 'Cause it's windy? 
> I'll be seeing myself out now...
> 
> But seriously. The wind here. WTF.



ugh, i really hate the wind and, yes, it does blow, lol. i also hate when i eat a lot of sugar for breakfast and then skip lunch, eat a whole big bag of chips at 4:00 pm, and end the day with low blood sugar and a stomach ache. that has been my saturday. ugh. maybe we need days like this so we can come back strong tomorrow? *hugs*

----------


## Keddy

Ugh... Guinness, WHY?!
I guess Guinness was whining to go outside because he had to take a crap, and Roman and I couldn't hear him over the air conditioner in our bedroom... So my thirteen-year-old dog- NOT a puppy- decides to POOP ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR.
Goodness gracious. I really wasn't happy about going to use the toilet and finding THAT on the floor.
What, pray tell, gave you the idea that it was alright to do that, dog?!

----------


## Rawr

> Ugh... Guinness, WHY?!
> I guess Guinness was whining to go outside because he had to take a crap, and Roman and I couldn't hear him over the air conditioner in our bedroom... So my thirteen-year-old dog- NOT a puppy- decides to POOP ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR.
> Goodness gracious. I really wasn't happy about going to use the toilet and finding THAT on the floor.
> What, pray tell, gave you the idea that it was alright to do that, dog?!



Oh my gosh the horror! lol bless. Remember elders are like babies all over again pretty much  :Razz: . 
But yeah. My 3 year old sister was potty trained but now all of a sudden out of the blue she just stops going to the potty. So I've been cleaning piss & poop EVERYWHERE & it pisses me the heck off cause she knows better, I spank her & lecture her but she still does it. Ugh! lol.  :-_-:

----------


## GunnyHighway

My recurring sinus-explosion episodes (sneezing for hours straight, runny nose, watering eyes) decided to show up at my friend's house. The one that I'm at for 3 days and blew $580 to get to. What the [BEEP] is this, a cruel joke? Ruined the only really full day we had....

----------


## QuietCalamity

> Ugh... Guinness, WHY?!
> I guess Guinness was whining to go outside because he had to take a crap, and Roman and I couldn't hear him over the air conditioner in our bedroom... So my thirteen-year-old dog- NOT a puppy- decides to POOP ON THE BATHROOM FLOOR.
> Goodness gracious. I really wasn't happy about going to use the toilet and finding THAT on the floor.
> What, pray tell, gave you the idea that it was alright to do that, dog?!



Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go!  ::D: 

***

Sometimes I feel like everyone else is following a script I don't have and don't want. Does that make me genuine or a weirdo? Is it likable or unlikable? I shouldn't care, but I do.

----------


## SmileyFace

*sigh* gonna go even more insane living at this house longer. Had a nice mini getaway yesterday at a hotel... and I had to check out today. I didn't want to.  ::(:  It was nice being away from home... it felt a little depressing leaving the room.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> *sigh* gonna go even more insane living at this house longer. Had a nice mini getaway yesterday at a hotel... and I had to check out today. I didn't want to.  It was nice being away from home... it felt a little depressing leaving the room.



While talking to an online friend on the phone, he was telling me how high school was the best time of his life (he's also still living with his Mom). It made me realize that right now is the happiest I've ever been in a long time. I can't wait till you get out Jen, your quality of life will improve immensely.

----------


## SmileyFace

> While talking to an online friend on the phone, he was telling me how high school was the best time of his life (he's also still living with his Mom). It made me realize that right now is the happiest I've ever been in a long time. I can't wait till you get out Jen, your quality of life will improve immensely.



Thanks  ::(:  I'm just so tired of having to watch my back all the time. I felt okay the last few days, but while I was in the hotel room last night... I realized how free I felt just being there, even though it was just some little trip or spending time outside of the house for the day. I guess it's the fact that the place had a bed and whatnot lol, just like a home would. But ya... it sucked coming home and waking up the next morning seeing myself here. It was so nice going back to the hotel room. Even though there wasn't anything to do in the room (my bf wasn't able to come back there with me), it was still nice just being away...

----------


## Koalafan

Depression is zapping any and all motivation I have  ::(:  I just feel like doing absolutely nothing but lay in bed...

----------


## GunnyHighway

Sitting in the airport on the verge of tears. I don't think I did bad this weekend, I talked a lot and went along with all of their plans without panicking. But leaving basically the only friend I've ever really had is hard. Having a friend in person is a lot better than online...

----------


## L

So awhile back I asked my friend if she would like to go away together for a weekend or so. She said yes and I said I would look into it. I asked her about dates and put a suggested date to her about a month ago. She said she would see if she would get off work, those dates are next week now and I still have not heard from her.  

Am I doing something wrong because people blowing off plans I put to them seems to be a pattern in my life. Like if they said no I can't or I don't want to I can al lest understand that but hearing nothing is upsetting. I want to follow it up with her but if she does have the days free now I cannot get them free this late. I must really suck as a person to be blown off by my best friend over and over.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Hope it passes soon, Kirse.  Is there anything is particular that's bothering you?







> hope it passes soon.



thanks guys  :Kiss:   :Kiss: 
I feel a little better today.. I'm doing my best to stay positive.. I have the bad habit of obsessing about all the things that can go wrong when I'm planning something (in this case, trying to get everything ready for me to go to France in august and to get married in September). That triggers a lot of anxiety. My gf is an anxious person too so that doesn't help  :Tongue:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

No matter how hard I try to not be such an awkward and anxious person, I have the worst luck. Today was proof of this. I don't know why I try. I always make an [BEEP] of myself. 





> ugh, i really hate the wind and, yes, it does blow, lol. i also hate when i eat a lot of sugar for breakfast and then skip lunch, eat a whole big bag of chips at 4:00 pm, and end the day with low blood sugar and a stomach ache. that has been my saturday. ugh. maybe we need days like this so we can come back strong tomorrow? *hugs*



Yeah, I suppose. What I ate wasn't unhealthy I guess, just too many calories. 




> thanks guys  
> I feel a little better today.. I'm doing my best to stay positive.. I have the bad habit of obsessing about all the things that can go wrong when I'm planning something (in this case, trying to get everything ready for me to go to France in august and to get married in September). That triggers a lot of anxiety. My gf is an anxious person too so that doesn't help



That's great that you're trying to stay positive. You two need to be each other's support systems for this. I know your anxiety has been under control for the most part lately, but It's only natural to feel anxious about doing something you've never had to face before. Once all is said and done, I'm sure you'll be feeling more like yourself again.  ::):

----------


## SmileyFace

I need another getaway. I feel as though I'm going to snap being in this apartment right now.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Need to get psychologically ready for tomorrow.. it's gonna be hell at work. The president and several other politicians will be landing with their private planes at our airport, occupying many of our bridges for god knows how long, messing up with the allocation of our regular flights.. that will piss off a lot of people

----------


## Keddy

Laundry  ::@:

----------


## Keddy

> So awhile back I asked my friend if she would like to go away together for a weekend or so. She said yes and I said I would look into it. I asked her about dates and put a suggested date to her about a month ago. She said she would see if she would get off work, those dates are next week now and I still have not heard from her.  
> 
> Am I doing something wrong because people blowing off plans I put to them seems to be a pattern in my life. Like if they said no I can't or I don't want to I can al lest understand that but hearing nothing is upsetting. I want to follow it up with her but if she does have the days free now I cannot get them free this late. I must really suck as a person to be blown off by my best friend over and over.



 :Hug: 
If you lived near me, I would never blow off plans with you!  ::):

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My clothes are still damp, and I feel like ass.

My face looks like hamburger meat slathered with makeup not blended properly (the bristles on my brush are coming off). Monday.

----------


## Keddy

Having a bad day as far as my depression is concerned  ::(:  Not sure why.
And Roman (bf) made chicken salad for dinner and I fucking HATE chicken salad. Not in the best of moods right now.

----------


## SmileyFace

> Having a bad day as far as my depression is concerned  Not sure why.
> And Roman (bf) made chicken salad for dinner and I fucking HATE chicken salad. Not in the best of moods right now.



 ::o:  you hate chicken salad?!

----------


## Keddy

> you hate chicken salad?!



LOL is it a crime to hate chicken salad?  :;): 
Despite my tendencies toward overeating, I am actually a very picky eater.

----------


## Keddy

I feel so sad and I don't know why  ::'(:

----------


## Chloe

> LOL is it a crime to hate chicken salad? 
> Despite my tendencies toward overeating, I am actually a very picky eater.



why dont you take the chicken out of the salad and have just chicken or just salad ?? 0.0 your mind... blown  :;):

----------


## Skippy

A package I been waiting for soooo long is listed via tracking as being delivered today. 
I soooooo can't wait! I hate waiting for such n this bugs me right now cuz I literally have to wait for them as im in lower half of this house, but when it comes it's bee like xmas is supposed to be! Yeeeeeeee--!

Urrrrgh! Hurry up n' get here!

----------


## L

Burnt my thumb hurt real bad

----------


## Keddy

> why dont you take the chicken out of the salad and have just chicken or just salad ?? 0.0 your mind... blown



LMFAO  :: 
Mindfuck. 0.0

----------


## Keddy

Roman is being so complainy today. Everything I suggest that we should do, he rejects it and is like "I'm not in the mood."
So...  :Poke:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My parents. I wish they were more like my brother. I know he loves me, but he does it so perfectly. Gives me support, shows he cares about me, but there aren't any apron strings.

----------


## SmileyFace

Anxiety attack. For no fuckin reason. Seriously.

----------


## Keddy

> Anxiety attack. For no fuckin reason. Seriously.



 :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

Roman and I were at the mall earlier and we were talking about alcoholic drinks, and Mike's Hard Lemonade came up... We were sitting at a table in the food court and there was a group of teenage guys at the table behind ours. I said something- very loudly- along the lines of "*Yeah, I really like the taste of Mike's Hard!*"
And every single one of the kids at that table stared straight at me and then started dying laughing. I wanted to die  :hit wall: 
Why did I not think about how that would sound before I said it?!
The worst part is that Roman thought it was hilarious too. He apologized but he kept laughing at me. Booooy was I embarrassed.

----------


## Kesky

today is one of those days where I realize how intense and life determining my social anxiety is. i can't wrap my brain around how defective and crippled and worthless i am. the memories from 5 years old to five minutes ago are something I wish I could erase. I let fear rule me.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Thoroughly pissed off. Our hot water heater isn't working AGAIN. This is like the 7th time in the past couple of months. We're finally having somebody come and fix this. I have an appointment for a haircut in a couple of hours and I'm not canceling it. They will have to come later this afternoon. My hair hasn't been cut in six fucking months. And since there's no hot water I can't wash it, so on top of looking like straw it's greasy and flat. I've done the whole lean over the tap and wash your hair thing but I never get all the soap out and it all runs into my eyes (which can't happen when you've got contact lenses). Not to mention the neck cramps. And my hair going down the drain  ::\: . I have to walk to my appointment too, so I'm sure I'll feel nice and filthy by the time I get there. Thanks, hyperhidrosis. And I can only take so much Glycopyrrolate or I won't be able to converse with my hairdresser due to certain side effects. I had a "sponge bath" at least. Boiled some water and scrubbed my body. I'm OCD about things like this. I_ hate_ feeling dirty. I got up all early hoping to have time to work out before my appt. and I did have time, but there's no point in getting all hot and sweaty if I can't have a proper shower afterwards. It feels like we're living in an apartment here. Something's always broken. It will be broken for months before anyone wants to fix it. And when it is fixed, it's half-assed and needs to be fixed again a few months down the road. Aggravating. Why does nobody give a fuck.

----------


## L

I didn't shave therefore I cannot go swimming....ugh being female sucks sometimes

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I had the unfortunate experience of witnessing poop in a bag earlier. Public washrooms are awful and I have the worst luck with them. I kid you not. [BEEP] in a ziplock bag. Just sitting there on the floor beside a stall. I can't make these things up. How does that even happen? At first I was grossed out - _very_ grossed out. A little nauseous, perhaps. But now I'm sort of intrigued. I want to know the story of how this ziplock poop happened. Was the person doing us a favour somehow? They could have left in on the floor in all it's bagless glory, but instead it's in a bag. Maybe the ziplock poop was not a sinister move after all. 

[BEEP] I need a shower. Landlady was here earlier, insisting once again that we need a railing on our basement steps. Lady, no. Just no. How about the back screen door that blows open when it's windy (which is everyday here), slams against the side of the house, and sounds like gunshots? It leaks when it rains. It lets in bugs. It's a door. It doesn't function as a door anymore. Open, close - that's all it has to do. It doesn't do those things anymore. 

Oh, or the hideous staircase?

The kitchen floor?

My bedroom window? The kitchen windows? That little area of counter that was supposed to be replaced nine years ago?

What about a fence? The neighbours are little shitheads and we'd like it if they keep their garbage on their own lawn.

----------


## Koalafan

> *I had the unfortunate experience of witnessing poop in a bag earlier. Public washrooms are awful and I have the worst luck with them. I kid you not. [BEEP] in a ziplock bag. Just sitting there on the floor beside a stall. I can't make these things up. How does that even happen? At first I was grossed out - very grossed out. A little nauseous, perhaps. But now I'm sort of intrigued. I want to know the story of how this ziplock poop happened. Was the person doing us a favour somehow? They could have left in on the floor in all it's bagless glory, but instead it's in a bag. Maybe the ziplock poop was not a sinister move after all.* 
> 
> [BEEP] I need a shower. Landlady was here earlier, insisting once again that we need a railing on our basement steps. Lady, no. Just no. How about the back screen door that blows open when it's windy (which is everyday here), slams against the side of the house, and sounds like gunshots? It leaks when it rains. It lets in bugs. It's a door. It doesn't function as a door anymore. Open, close - that's all it has to do. It doesn't do those things anymore. 
> 
> Oh, or the hideous staircase?
> 
> The kitchen floor?
> 
> My bedroom window? The kitchen windows? That little area of counter that was supposed to be replaced nine years ago?
> ...



What the fucking [BEEP]? I mean literally what the fucking [BEEP]  :Tongue:  But then again I have seen equally disgusting things with feces being smeared on walls and worse...

----------


## Keddy

Poor Dominic  ::'(:  He had a bad car accident this morning and has been hospitalized. He's going to live but the injuries are pretty severe. 
No one else was injured. He didn't hit another car but he went through a guardrail at a pretty high speed.
The worst part of it is, they're wondering if it was suicidal intent  ::'(: 
I know he's my ex, but he's still my dear friend, and this makes me very sad  ::(:  He's a really lovely person. I hope he can get better and stop trying to hurt himself. He needs to realize how much he's cared about. His mom is hysterical right now, I feel so sorry for her.
This is the third time in the last six months that he's been rushed to the hospital in critical condition  ::(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> What the fucking [BEEP]? I mean literally what the fucking [BEEP]  But then again I have seen equally disgusting things with feces being smeared on walls and worse...



Something about a #2 turns some people into artists. I feel bad for the people who have to clean that stuff up. 

---


My mother will probably end up losing her job. It's just a matter of time. Tomorrow I'm going to see if I can gather some job ads for her and put them in a folder on her computer.

----------


## luvcuddling2

I am completely eccentric and different. Never been in love, never have had a relationship, never married, interests that aren't mainstream. No more oddball than that.

----------


## Jazz

> Poor Dominic  He had a bad car accident this morning and has been hospitalized. He's going to live but the injuries are pretty severe. 
> No one else was injured. He didn't hit another car but he went through a guardrail at a pretty high speed.
> The worst part of it is, they're wondering if it was suicidal intent 
> I know he's my ex, but he's still my dear friend, and this makes me very sad  He's a really lovely person. I hope he can get better and stop trying to hurt himself. He needs to realize how much he's cared about. His mom is hysterical right now, I feel so sorry for her.
> This is the third time in the last six months that he's been rushed to the hospital in critical condition



Man, so sorry to hear! I'll be praying for Dominic

----------


## Keddy

> *Something about a #2 turns some people into artists*.



Oh my God, I just literally spit out my drink laughing at that!!!  :: 
I am _so_ very mature *rolls eyes*

----------


## Keddy

> My mother will probably end up losing her job. It's just a matter of time. Tomorrow I'm going to see if I can gather some job ads for her and put them in a folder on her computer.



That's really nice of you, Illusion  ::):  I'm sure your mom will appreciate that. I hope everything goes well for you guys. I'll keep you two in my thoughts.  :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

> Man, so sorry to hear! I'll be praying for Dominic



Thank you  :Hug:  I'm praying for him too.
I just hope he's OK. He's been through so much lately, this was just unbearable to hear about today. I honestly hope that it really was an accident and he wasn't trying to kill himself  ::(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Oh my God, I just literally spit out my drink laughing at that!!! 
> I am _so_ very mature *rolls eyes*



 :Tongue: 




> That's really nice of you, Illusion  I'm sure your mom will appreciate that. I hope everything goes well for you guys. I'll keep you two in my thoughts.



There's not much for jobs here. I'm really worried. We're doing better than we used to, but we still just scrape by. And my unemployed [BEEP] isn't helping matters. I go to school full time in the fall. There will be zero room for a job. I'll be lucky if I have time for pee breaks. And right now all my money is going towards the endless list of things i need to buy for my course. Anyhow, thanks Keddy I appreciate that.  ::):

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

The day that I just had at work would make even you guys cringe.

It involved: Nervous breakdown, another 4+ hours of overtime (dead exhausted) on three hours of sleep, uncontrollable crying, some yelling, and much more unpleasantness.

----------


## Koalafan

> The day that I just had at work would make even you guys cringe.
> 
> It involved: Nervous breakdown, another 4+ hours of overtime (dead exhausted) on three hours of sleep, uncontrollable crying, some yelling, and much more unpleasantness.



 :Hug:   :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## luvcuddling2

Quote: "A lot of times shy or socially anxious people get unfairly labeled as snobs just because we don't know how to interact the same way as everyone else does." 

I get labeled as weird. Very weird. And right now I am very frustrated. Very. Lots of things are bothering me and keeping me awake. My mind goes 24/7. Sleep is difficult.

And yet it is all my fault. I am to blame. I take full responsibility for my frustrations. I know you cannot change the past but my past keeps coming back to haunt me. There is something that I crave really really really bad but cannot find it. Becomes so frustrating. Yes I am desperate. I admit it.

And the frustration really bothers me. And I only have myself to blame.

----------


## nothing

I hate myself and I want to start self-medicating with alcohol and pills again so I can cry all day long and overdose again like on Presidents Day, but the state of North Carolina is full of [BEEP] and I can't buy alcohol after 2AM. I guess sweet Jesus doesn't want anyone drinking between 2-8AM. He also doesn't want ANYONE drinking ANY alcohol before 12PM on sunday and no hard liquor on Sunday at any time. I guess I'm supposed to go to some fucking useless, money-stealing church on Sunday morning, then wait until noon to get drunk, but only on beer or wine while I'm watching some fucking idiotic NASCAR race. Then it's okay to go driving and crash into someones mailbox, because mine has been run over three fucking times and it shows no sign of stopping.

I hate everything and everyone right now, but I hate myself most of all. It's probably a good thing that I'm not going out to a store, something extremely horrible would happen.

----------


## luvcuddling2

I was addicted to Ecstasy. I was addicted to a lot of pills. Valium. Oxycontin. Made me a different person. Started when I was a teen. Gave me a false sense of confidence and esteem. I made so many stupid mistakes and decisions. Stopped cold-turkey. Withdrawls were the worst ever. I was sick. . .sick. . .and more sick. Now clean for two years. Stopped taking prescription medication last November. Doctor wasn't too happy about that. Conquered obesity too.

If you put your mind to something, the mind works wonders. Takes a lot of work. A LOT.

True, all my symptoms have become more pronounced off of meds and drugs. However in some ways, I am actually a lot happier. I don't have to be something I am not. I feel better physically. I don't walk around anymore with holes in my clothes and staring at statues. I still got a long ways to go.

"I am somewhere between a mess and a train wreck but at least I am on the right track"  (RTO)

----------


## nothing

> I was addicted to Ecstasy. I was addicted to a lot of pills. Valium. Oxycontin. Made me a different person. Started when I was a teen. Gave me a false sense of confidence and esteem. I made so many stupid mistakes and decisions. Stopped cold-turkey. Withdrawls were the worst ever. I was sick. . .sick. . .and more sick. Now clean for two years. Stopped taking prescription medication last November. Doctor wasn't too happy about that. Conquered obesity too.
> 
> If you put your mind to something, the mind works wonders. Takes a lot of work. A LOT.
> 
> True, all my symptoms have become more pronounced off of meds and drugs. However in some ways, I am actually a lot happier. I don't have to be something I am not. I feel better physically. I don't walk around anymore with holes in my clothes and staring at statues. I still got a long ways to go.
> 
> "I am somewhere between a mess and a train wreck but at least I am on the right track"  (RTO)



I'm glad you feel getting off the drugs helped you, but it isn't helping me. I'm more unstable than ever and I'm becoming dangerous. I've quit at times before, each time THIS happened, I became more miserable and I started to have violent fantasies. It isn't withdrawal, I've been off long enough to get past that now and in the past I've quit for almost a full year.

I'm not happier, I'm 1000x more miserable. I'm in the process of acquiring more benzos now and I'll probably just go berserk and stock up on every type of tranquilizer and narcotic med available; I'm sick of feeling this way so I'm just going to stop feeling. I don't care if it kills me, in fact, I'd welcome it. Life is pointless and shitty. I never feel I have to be something I'm not; unless I'm sober. When I destroy myself with pills I don't have to BE at all and that's what I prefer.

----------


## Keddy

I didn't sleep at all last night  ::(: 
I kept thinking and worrying about Dominic. I just want him to be OK. I hope that isn't too much to hope for.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> I didn't sleep at all last night 
> I kept thinking and worrying about Dominic. I just want him to be OK. I hope that isn't too much to hope for.



 :Hug:

----------


## QuietCalamity

I'm so burned out and exhausted. I had a big paper due today but I didn't finish it and skipped class (again). Yesterday I got nothing done at work and when I got home I passed out on the couch right after dinner (again). When I woke up at 4 I was going to go in early and finish it, but I was so tired I felt sick to my stomach and I hadn't taken my meds so I just went back to sleep. 2 more weeks until I graduate. I hope I can make it. 

I also need to call the places where I submitted job apps and try to schedule interviews. So anxious. I don't know if I can do it the way I'm feeling right now.

----------


## L

Legs are so tired - busy day at work - I want food now, trying to eat healthy but too tired to cook

----------


## Kesky

> I'm so burned out and exhausted. I had a big paper due today but I didn't finish it and skipped class (again). Yesterday I got nothing done at work and when I got home I passed out on the couch right after dinner (again). When I woke up at 4 I was going to go in early and finish it, but I was so tired I felt sick to my stomach and I hadn't taken my meds so I just went back to sleep. 2 more weeks until I graduate. I hope I can make it. 
> 
> I also need to call the places where I submitted job apps and try to schedule interviews. So anxious. I don't know if I can do it the way I'm feeling right now.



I've heard the homestretch to graduation can be really tough....being so close you can taste it but still having a lot of work to do. I've also never known anyone to make it this far and not graduate. You're almost there. I hope you're able to savor it once you do it.  :Hug:  It's a wonderful accomplishment.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> I've heard the homestretch to graduation can be really tough....being so close you can taste it but still having a lot of work to do. I've also never known anyone to make it this far and not graduate. You're almost there. I hope you're able to savor it once you do it.  It's a wonderful accomplishment.



Thanks.  :Hug:  It's just a matter of not dying lol.

----------


## Keddy

Roman, I DO NOT CARE about the stupid World Cup. I'm trying to relax and I need the TV if you would be so kind.
Stop pestering me about it. I'm not going to watch it with you. I don't like soccer. I don't care.
I'm mad enough at you today as is and I have to work tomorrow and people at my job are pissing me off. Just... Bugger off about your stupid World Cup. Go watch it on your laptop if you have to.

----------


## nothing

> Roman, I DO NOT CARE about the stupid World Cup. I'm trying to relax and I need the TV if you would be so kind.
> Stop pestering me about it. I'm not going to watch it with you. I don't like soccer. I don't care.
> I'm mad enough at you today as is and I have to work tomorrow and people at my job are pissing me off. Just... Bugger off about your stupid World Cup. Go watch it on your laptop if you have to.



Heh, I know what you're talking about there. I can't stand watching sports on TV, my therapist mentioned something similar when we were discussing my lack of friends. She mentioned having male friends to do "guy stuff" with, like watching sports. I just stared at her with a confused look on my face. I don't understand how watching some pointless crap is "guy stuff". Is that really what ALL men do? Is wasting time watching that stuff what makes one a man? I don't think so, but some people must believe it.

Enough of my pointless post now, I'll stop typing.

----------


## Keddy

> Heh, I know what you're talking about there. I can't stand watching sports on TV, my therapist mentioned something similar when we were discussing my lack of friends. She mentioned having male friends to do "guy stuff" with, like watching sports. I just stared at her with a confused look on my face. I don't understand how watching some pointless crap is "guy stuff". Is that really what ALL men do? Is wasting time watching that stuff what makes one a man? I don't think so, but some people must believe it.
> 
> Enough of my pointless post now, I'll stop typing.



Oh, no, your post wasn't pointless at all! I'm actually really glad someone else feels the same way about sports. I mean, I love my hockey and B-ball, but that's as far as it goes. I'm not in the mood tonight to put up with my boyfriend obsessing about the World Cup. We have much bigger issues to worry about right now. He's being kind of a jerk today and I don't know how much more I can take.

----------


## Keddy

Dominic's condition has gotten much worse. I'm going to go see him at the hospital but I'm not optimistic. And now Roman is upset with me because he thinks I'm still in love with Dominic. Is it so wrong that I care about him? That I don't want him to die?? I can't take this right now.

----------


## nothing

> Dominic's condition has gotten much worse. I'm going to go see him at the hospital but I'm not optimistic. And now Roman is upset with me because he thinks I'm still in love with Dominic. Is it so wrong that I care about him? That I don't want him to die?? I can't take this right now.



Not wrong at all, you're a caring person. I'm sure you can understand why it makes Roman feel insecure though.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I'm fucked. Roommate is leaving in August, which means I'd need to sign a new lease with the landlord. I'd also have to find a new roommate in that case as well. This is not a good time for this...my aunt and uncle's wedding so near and family coming over for it, I need to be saving money. Even a single month without a roommate will devastate my planned finances. That is, if I don't just flat out get kicked out.

----------


## SmileyFace

My dad asked me why I didn't refill the gas tank for him today. Excuse me, but it's my car. I paid for the car, gas, insurance. If you're going to use my car and use up all the gas, you pay for the gas when you need/want to. That's what happens when you use up all the rest of my fuckin' gas. I know I get paid now, but c'mon now.

----------


## SmileyFace

Now my mom is pissing me off. Please shut the [BEEP] up and leave me alone, and let me do my own thing. You're nothing but a fuckin intruder.

----------


## Keddy

Well, they wouldn't let me in to see him  ::(: 
Only immediate family is allowed after a certain time... I really wanted to see him. I'm really afraid it would've been the last time  ::'(: 
I can only pray that he makes it through the night, but if he doesn't, that he doesn't feel anything, and that it's quick and it's peaceful.
I'm going to go cry now.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> Dominic's condition has gotten much worse. I'm going to go see him at the hospital but I'm not optimistic. And now Roman is upset with me because he thinks I'm still in love with Dominic. Is it so wrong that I care about him? That I don't want him to die?? I can't take this right now.



I'm sorry  ::(: . Visiting is a good idea. Jealousy can be tough to deal with on both sides. But if Roman loves you (and from your posts it sounds like he really does) he'll get over it.

----------


## luvcuddling2

wow. . .my prayer list is really filling up fast for all of you. . .I feel so bad for all of you. . .I thought my day was bad when my Landlord woke me up at 7:15AM to have me move my car and I forgot to take in clothes that were outside and I sure got a talkin' to about that. . .of course, this is the first time she has ever appeared at my door that early in the morning and I completely forgot about the clothes. . .I was zero for two.

I will say a prayer for everyone Friday at Church. . .best wishes to all!

----------


## Koalafan

[BEEP] this getting up at 2 in the morning nonsense for work  :Tongue:  ugh....

----------


## Total Eclipse

I get so aggravated when people come preaching to others that they're  doing something wrong and the 'right' way is so easy and they have all  the solutions for the rest of us unenlightened people. "You should get  supplemental insurance" "You should eat better and exercise more" "blah  blah blah". Solutions for one don't fit everyone. 

Eating miracle fruit  isn't going to cure me. Buying supplemental insurance is great, but I  can't even afford the premiums of the insurance I already  have, let alone paying copays, deductibles or an insurance to pay what  the other insurance doesn't cover, which is redundant and defeats the  purpose of insurance, you shouldn't need insurance to cover the [BEEP] of  the other insurance to cover the [BEEP] of the other insurance so you can  MAYBE get care. We should be able to get sufficient insurance that  covers everything, especially with the highway robbery prices we're  paying, why do I have to carry multiple insurance policies? 

Finding  assistance is great, but guess what? If you're a responsible citizen,  nine times out of ten you're not going to qualify! I've yet to find an  assistance program I qualify for other than the one that pays for my  Benlysta, I don't even qualify for food stamps because I'm going to  school (but don't need to because I live with family). 

I can't work, I'm trying to make something of myself so that  maybe one day I can be a productive citizen, not to mention keep myself  sane while I'm stuck at home 24/7 and I'm being penalized for that  because I'm not able to work. Why is it that because I'm sick I have to  be making money to get help? I would have to be homeless and half dead  before I could get help and then I would need to find a shelter and stay  there for a while before they could vouch that I was actually homeless  so I can get some help. I don't want to have to be homeless to get help.  

If I were to pop out 10 kids all with different fathers I'd get all the  help I wanted, but because I'm sick and live at home I don't qualify  for jack. 

Ok I  think I'm done ranting. I really need my pharmacist to straighten out  the issue with my mood stabilizers so I can start taking them before I  completely lose it.

----------


## SmileyFace

Doctor prescribed me an antibiotic that I'm actually allergic to. I figured maybe things have changed since I last took this but it hasn't. I feel so nauseated. Makes me wonder if she just bullshitted her work and prescribed me something real quick... I guess I won't be taking these pills anymore. Who knows what would happen if I keep taking them. Rather not risk it. I thought she knows I'm allergic to this stuff... she even mentioned it when I had my appointment with her *sigh*

----------


## Keddy

Kay and Smiley-  :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

Well, Dominic made it through the night but he's still in crappy shape. I saw him this morning and he's conscious, thank God, but he's very bruised and has a few broken ribs and some internal damage. I'm grateful it wasn't worse than it is. They said he's going to make it but he's feeling very depressed and he's just wishing he hadn't made it through the "accident"  ::(: 
He's denying that it was a suicide attempt, he says he lost control of the car, but somehow I don't believe him  ::(: 
I just wish he would stop doing this to himself. This is the third time he's hurt himself this severely and next time he might not be as lucky. I just pray that he gets the help and love that he needs and there WON'T be a "next time." The poor thing  ::(:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> [BEEP] this getting up at 2 in the morning nonsense for work  ugh....



I hear ya  :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

Pimples.. lots of pimples all over my face. What the [BEEP] is going on?? I haven't seen anything like this since I was a teenager!

----------


## GunnyHighway

Computer just about seppuku'd. Gotta replace another part...goodbye $150 at the bare minimum.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I'm physically exhausted and it's hard to move but I have to go run errands. Mentally I'm doing okay though.

----------


## Member11

People suck  ::(:

----------


## L

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  ::(: no no no no no no, I can't be my mother I can't I can't I can't. I dont want this it is going to make me hate my family......I'm not ike her I'm not

----------


## Kirsebaer

I'm growing tired of my job. It's too stressful and it's starting to take its toll on my health.

----------


## Koalafan

> I'm growing tired of my job. It's too stressful and it's starting to take its toll on my health.



 ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

> People suck



 :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

I could fucking kill somebody right now. These fights with my boyfriend are getting old. I don't get it. Does he want to stay with me or not?
He better make up his mind so I can decide if I need to find another place to live.

----------


## SmileyFace

Suddenly anxious about everything. Constantly feeling bad about stuff. Constantly telling myself I should have done this and done that yesterday when out with my boyfriend. I couldn't help but feel drowsy from medicine I had to take, and I know he understood... but I still felt like a fuckin bore not being so enthusiastic when hanging out towards the end of the day.

I don't know what's going on with my body. I'm always physically tired. My body keeps feeling so hot and sweaty out of nowhere lately, it's really frustrating. I have shortness of breath today as well. I feel like [BEEP] today. I don't know what's happening. I guess I'm lacking some nutrients, but... still. I often feel like an old lady trapped in a 23 year old's body.

----------


## nothing

I was trying to walk around outside without shoes or sandals on and I stepped on a bee. It stung me and now the bottom of my foot is itching like crazy.

----------


## Jazz

> Suddenly anxious about everything. Constantly feeling bad about stuff. Constantly telling myself I should have done this and done that yesterday when out with my boyfriend. I couldn't help but feel drowsy from medicine I had to take, and I know he understood... but I still felt like a fuckin bore not being so enthusiastic when hanging out towards the end of the day.
> 
> I don't know what's going on with my body. I'm always physically tired. My body keeps feeling so hot and sweaty out of nowhere lately, it's really frustrating. I have shortness of breath today as well. I feel like [BEEP] today. I don't know what's happening. I guess I'm lacking some nutrients, but... still. I often feel like an old lady trapped in a 23 year old's body.



Wow I can so relate to this! I usually feel tired too, fatigued. And when I'm hanging out I always feel like I'm a bore, I don't show as much enthusiasm either, makes me worry. Because had I the energy and being comfortable I would be fine. I feel like an old woman stuck in a 24 year old body. Hm perhaps it's lack of nutrients I always say I'm gonna start on vitamins but most days I forget. Anywho, hope you are feeling better!

----------


## Jazz

> I could fucking kill somebody right now. These fights with my boyfriend are getting old. I don't get it. Does he want to stay with me or not?
> He better make up his mind so I can decide if I need to find another place to live.



Aw man, sorry to hear keddy! relationships do take a lot of work, from my perspective of not being in a relationship it seems like that is the case. When I run into problems with people that I had to live with in order to keep peace (I hate confrontations and tension) I try to see it from their perspective, try to understand what made them so upset if it's justifiable i try to come at them with understanding, but if it's not well let's just say I got into big arguments! My ex roomie had times where she went a little too far, got bossy on me, I stood up for myself, shaking a bit but somehow got my point across. At the end of the day look out for your own happiness dude, if the relationship brings more problems/pain than happiness perhaps it's not meant to be? I'm not too sure what you guys are going through, but I hope everything turns out alright! If you need someone to chat with don't hesitate to hit me up

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Living with my mother is becoming more and more frustrating but I'm still trapped here and feeling doubtful I'll ever push myself into independence.

----------


## nothing

> Living with my mother is becoming more and more frustrating but I'm still trapped here and feeling doubtful I'll ever push myself into independence.



I feel the exact same way, I usually don't even mention it because I've become so used to feeling hopeless about it.

----------


## SmileyFace

> Wow I can so relate to this! I usually feel tired too, fatigued. And when I'm hanging out I always feel like I'm a bore, I don't show as much enthusiasm either, makes me worry. Because had I the energy and being comfortable I would be fine. I feel like an old woman stuck in a 24 year old body. Hm perhaps it's lack of nutrients I always say I'm gonna start on vitamins but most days I forget. Anywho, hope you are feeling better!



Yep. The thing is -- It's not like I don't want to be there either. I'd be all enthusiastic and a bit talkative the first few hours, and after a while... I'm so dead, and it has nothing to do with the hangout itself. I love spending time with my BF, but it's my energy levels that are ridiculous. I just don't know what it is. Maybe I'm not used to being out so much? Maybe I'm not used to socializing for so long? It makes me feel good to socialize, but after a while, I already have to replug. It's odd. Maybe if I gradually socialize more, I wouldn't have a problem. But even then... I feel this way when I'm home or somewhere alone. My body and mind just feels tired often *sigh* Maybe I'm not 23  :Tongue:  and just a 70 yr old who discovered the fountain of youth time and time again  :Tongue: 

Am looking through a travel blog this girl in California has. Very interesting. Looking for inspiration for a new blog I want to start (and commit to). There was a post about landmark cemeteries... and I started to think about death. Death scares me. It scares me that I won't be living forever, that I'll someday die. I can't even imagine what it must be like to no longer be alive. It freaks me out. It put me in a panic attack for a bit. It's just so mind-boggling... I've worried about this before and it'd put me in a panic attack each time. And... it reminds me each time to live my life to the fullest each day. But still  :Crossed Arms:  Freaks me out greatly.

----------


## L

Someone pulled me on my spelling yesterday - I'm a dyslexic nurse  ::(:  I can read but my spelling is not good....I don't even notice...not sure what to do really....

----------


## Keddy

Dominic is feeling better today and I want to go see him, he needs a friend right now and I'm all he has. His other friends haven't been there for him through this and that just means they're not true friends... That makes me sad  ::(: 
I told Roman I wanted to go talk to Dominic at the hospital and Roman was like, "It's him or me, Keddy."  ::'(: 
I don't know what to do. I don't want to let Dominic down but I don't want to lose my boyfriend... And I don't want to have to find a new place to live. If Roman breaks up with me I have to move out. That was the deal from the beginning.
I want to cut.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Been bed ridden today. I have no strength, feel like vomiting. Nobody will talk to me...

----------


## L

> Dominic is feeling better today and I want to go see him, he needs a friend right now and I'm all he has. His other friends haven't been there for him through this and that just means they're not true friends... That makes me sad 
> I told Roman I wanted to go talk to Dominic at the hospital and Roman was like, "It's him or me, Keddy." 
> I don't know what to do. I don't want to let Dominic down but I don't want to lose my boyfriend... And I don't want to have to find a new place to live. If Roman breaks up with me I have to move out. That was the deal from the beginning.
> I want to cut.



Why did your boyfriend put that decision towards you? Need to show him that he doesn't have control over you but explore the reasons for it - no one should stop you from seeing your friends.

----------


## SmileyFace

Just wanna run away to some place away from this hellhole...

----------


## Keddy

> Why did your boyfriend put that decision towards you? Need to show him that he doesn't have control over you but explore the reasons for it - no one should stop you from seeing your friends.



I told him he was being a childish jerk and that he was hurting my feelings, and I left him to think about it and went to see Dominic. Roman is angry with me but he doesn't seem like he wants to break up over this, so that's progress, I suppose. I'm going to talk with him again later when he's in a better space. I talked to my therapist and she said that was the right thing to do. I've managed to stay safe so that's good. But this relationship is getting difficult.

----------


## L

> I told him he was being a childish jerk and that he was hurting my feelings, and I left him to think about it and went to see Dominic. Roman is angry with me but he doesn't seem like he wants to break up over this, so that's progress, I suppose. I'm going to talk with him again later when he's in a better space. I talked to my therapist and she said that was the right thing to do. I've managed to stay safe so that's good. But this relationship is getting difficult.



Nothing worth it is a walk in the park.

----------


## Keddy

> Nothing worth it is a walk in the park.



Very, very true.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My phone bill and having zero time to work this out this week. I don't fucking have the patience for this shit.

----------


## Koalafan

It's seriously one of those days where I don't know how I can do this for another day

----------


## Chloe

I can't find my college lanyard. The one that had two years worth of college work which is due in, in a matter of weeks D: to top that all I've also lost my keys ( found after 4 days) and my hoodie (found later that dAy) and have already had a [BEEP] weekend when will it end D:

----------


## Chantellabella

> It's seriously one of those days where I don't know how I can do this for another day



Hang in there, my friend. *great big fuzzy hug*

Cindy

'

----------


## Chantellabella

> I can't find my college lanyard. The one that had two years worth of college work which is due in, in a matter of weeks D: to top that all I've also lost my keys ( found after 4 days) and my hoodie (found later that dAy) and have already had a [BEEP] weekend when will it end D:



I hope you find it. Can you go back to the last place you remember it? it may jog your memory about what you were doing next.

----------


## Chantellabella

> My phone bill and having zero time to work this out this week. I don't fucking have the patience for this shit.



 :Hug:  

I've been wanting to tell you that I am so proud of you for doing all this on your own. You're a really brave person, do you know that?

----------


## Chloe

I'd left it at college so big breath out and relax haha

----------


## Chantellabella

Just lots of frustration and setbacks with a ton of anxiety.  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

Feels like I'm coming down with something  ::(:

----------


## Kesky

I've run across  the term "functional avoidant" and decided it describes me to a tee.

----------


## Kesky

> People suck



hang in there jerry.

----------


## Kesky

> It's seriously one of those days where I don't know how I can do this for another day



hope it's better now. take care.

----------


## Koalafan

> hope it's better now. take care.



I'm feeling better now  :Hug:  Maybe I just needed some sleep  ::):

----------


## GunnyHighway

Grabbed someone else's drink at Starbucks today. I noticed as I left the store, but the anxiety kicked right in and I couldn't turn around to give it back. I feel like a gigantic dickbag.

----------


## Keddy

> Grabbed someone else's drink at Starbucks today. I noticed as I left the store, but the anxiety kicked right in and I couldn't turn around to give it back. I feel like a gigantic dickbag.



It's OK, I would've done exactly the same thing. And I would've felt like a gigantic dickbag too.

----------


## Kesky

> Just lots of frustration and setbacks with a ton of anxiety.



hope ur ok.  :Hug:   work stuff?

----------


## Chantellabella

> hope ur ok.   work stuff?



No, work is good. It's more inside dealing with old feelings stuff.

 :Hug:  You're a good friend.

----------


## L

Allergies are going crazy

----------


## Keddy

I am so angry right now, I don't even know what to say...
Apparently my mom contacted my therapist, and told her that she should stop working with me because "It's a waste" because... Get this, guys... My mother thinks that "ANXIETY IS A CHOICE, NOT A DISORDER."
I hope she fucking goes to hell. Bad enough that she disowned me, but how could she ever say something like that?? How could she say such an insensitive thing? Look at all the people here who struggle with anxiety! Look how it ruins peoples' lives! Of course it's a disorder!!
My therapist didn't listen to her obviously, but that's beyond the point.
Anxiety is a CHOICE?! I really hope karma gets her. Saying such awful, insensitive, hateful things never goes unpunished by God.
BTW, this is the same woman who agreed with my father when he said to me that homosexuality is a choice and that I'm going to burn in hell because of it.

----------


## nothing

Feeling unbelievable frustration right now, it just hit me in a wave of panic and incredible heat. My entire body turned red and I'm sure I'm hot to the touch. I don't think I'll ever be able to move out of my Mother's house, get a job, have a romantic relationship and just LIVE LIFE. Every time I start to have a little hope this hits me, it always comes back with a vengeance.

----------


## nothing

> I am so angry right now, I don't even know what to say...
> Apparently my mom contacted my therapist, and told her that she should stop working with me because "It's a waste" because... Get this, guys... My mother thinks that "ANXIETY IS A CHOICE, NOT A DISORDER."
> I hope she fucking goes to hell. Bad enough that she disowned me, but how could she ever say something like that?? How could she say such an insensitive thing? Look at all the people here who struggle with anxiety! Look how it ruins peoples' lives! Of course it's a disorder!!
> My therapist didn't listen to her obviously, but that's beyond the point.
> Anxiety is a CHOICE?! I really hope karma gets her. Saying such awful, insensitive, hateful things never goes unpunished by God.
> BTW, this is the same woman who agreed with my father when he said to me that homosexuality is a choice and that I'm going to burn in hell because of it.



Damn it, that's horrible. That was an awful thing for her to do/say, I really hope you're able to break free from both of them, they're obviously bitter, hateful people.

I have no advice, it obviously makes no sense to tell you to ignore them, parents have a lot of power to get inside your head and seriously [BEEP] your life up if they choose to.  ::(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Do you guys ever wonder what your life would be like if you had no anxiety whatsoever or related mental issues? I think about this far too often. So much so that it's probably unhealthy. It's a challenge trying to wrap my mind around _not_ having anxiety. Dangerous territory. The thought of being a normal person with a normal life is too sweet of a though to hold onto, really. At some point I've got to return to reality and gravity of my situation hits twice as hard. But my intention isn't to daydream, it's to try to imagine a life wherein I succeed. And I can't do that with the anxiety that I have now, so I have no choice but to eliminate it from the equation when I think of the future. It's really strange to ponder. I imagine how my personality might be affected (probably not much). I'm guessing it would make me more open. I'd care less what people think of me, which means I'd take more chances. I'd laugh more. I'd make other people laugh. I wouldn't be the killjoy in the group.

I honestly don't think I've made much progress with my anxiety over the years - I just got meds and learned better social skills. Maybe I'm wrong, but some days I may as well be going backwards.

----------


## Kesky

it's been gone a long time. I see no way to get it back.

----------


## nothing

> Do you guys ever wonder what your life would be like if you had no anxiety whatsoever or related mental issues? I think about this far too often. So much so that it's probably unhealthy. It's a challenge trying to wrap my mind around _not_ having anxiety. Dangerous territory. The thought of being a normal person with a normal life is too sweet of a though to hold onto, really. At some point I've got to return to reality and gravity of my situation hits twice as hard. But my intention isn't to daydream, it's to try to imagine a life wherein I succeed. And I can't do that with the anxiety that I have now, so I have no choice but to eliminate it from the equation when I think of the future. It's really strange to ponder. I imagine how my personality might be affected (probably not much). I'm guessing it would make me more open. I'd care less what people think of me, which means I'd take more chances. I'd laugh more. I'd make other people laugh. I wouldn't be the killjoy in the group.
> 
> I honestly don't think I've made much progress with my anxiety over the years - I just got meds and learned better social skills. Maybe I'm wrong, but some days I may as well be going backwards.



I think about the same thing almost every day. What would life be like without crippling anxiety? I really couldn't say because I've been a mess for most of my life, but I don't think I'd be completely miserable at least.

This fits in to what I was obsessing over before I decided to post here in this thread, I was looking up information on qualifications for a certain job, I'll never be able to make it through the necessary schooling to even qualify for the job. I don't think the anxiety ever lets up, not even a little bit, not for more than a few hours anyway.

I'm completely useless, I don't know what I'm going to do. The only job I could ever even be considered for is another shitty retail job like I've had in the past and I wouldn't even last long there, I can't deal with people, I feel at this point if I forced myself into that situation I'd become volatile and dangerous. I'll never have any type of romantic relationship, I'm socially inept, I can't converse with anyone else for more than a minute and that consists of only regurgitated pleasantries, nothing original.

----------


## SmileyFace

Lots of cool, interesting things I want to do... but I can't seem to work up the motivation to get started. I can't help but think a bit negative, that things just aren't going to go as well as I want it to.

----------


## Skippy

> I am so angry right now, I don't even know what to say...
> Apparently my mom contacted my therapist, and told her that she should stop working with me because "It's a waste" because... Get this, guys... My mother thinks that "ANXIETY IS A CHOICE, NOT A DISORDER."
> I hope she fucking goes to hell. Bad enough that she disowned me, but how could she ever say something like that?? How could she say such an insensitive thing? Look at all the people here who struggle with anxiety! Look how it ruins peoples' lives! Of course it's a disorder!!
> My therapist didn't listen to her obviously, but that's beyond the point.
> Anxiety is a CHOICE?! I really hope karma gets her. Saying such awful, insensitive, hateful things never goes unpunished by God.
> BTW, this is the same woman who agreed with my father when he said to me that homosexuality is a choice and that I'm going to burn in hell because of it.



Oh. Ohh...ohhhhh! We have a real winner here it seems. 
Sorry, but what a [BEEP]!
This gets me angry for the very reasons you are I'll bet.
There's no kinda people in this world I hate more than those close minded slave to god types. It's sad cuz they can't deem right and wrong on their own.
Like i said in one of my posts it' sad that should a god exist that a mere mortal would have to explain right and wrong to such.

There is a choice to get better from anxiety tho. Life wont change for anyone until that happens.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Oh. Ohh...ohhhhh! We have a real winner here it seems. 
> Sorry, but what a [BEEP]!
> This gets me angry for the very reasons you are I'll bet.
> There's no kinda people in this world I hate more than those *close minded slave to god types.* It's sad cuz they can't deem right and wrong on their own.
> Like i said in one of my posts it' sad that should a god exist that a mere mortal would have to explain right and wrong to such.
> 
> There is a choice to get better from anxiety tho. Life wont change for anyone until that happens.



Nothin' worse. I intentionally grew apart from a high school friend over this. She always thought gay people were "weird" and got this sneery look on her face whenever we passed any of our gay peers in the hallways. Made me want to smack it off her face. She was super nice to me though, but if I were gay I'm sure she would have excommunicated me. We went over to a mutual friend's house once and she randomly asked us all if we were all Christians in the room. She gave me the creeps. Why does it matter what any of our religions are? Maybe she wasn't allowed to have non-Christian friends or something.  ::\:

----------


## Keddy

> Nothin' worse. I intentionally grew apart from a high school friend over this. She always thought gay people were "weird" and got this sneery look on her face whenever we passed any of our gay peers in the hallways. Made me want to smack it off her face. She was super nice to me though, but if I were gay I'm sure she would have excommunicated me. We went over to a mutual friend's house once and she randomly asked us all if we were all Christians in the room. She gave me the creeps. Why does it matter what any of our religions are? Maybe she wasn't allowed to have non-Christian friends or something.



I woulda smacked it off her face too and been like "BITCH I'M GAY!!!" LOL
In all seriousness I wasn't allowed to have non-Catholic friends as a kid. Gave me another good reason to hate my parents. They're racist, homophobic, intolerant of other religions, and don't believe in mental health disorders. So they basically contradict everything I stand for or believe in. Assholes.
I like ALL people as long as they treat me well, regardless of race, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, or diagnosis. A person is a person.

----------


## Keddy

> Oh. Ohh...ohhhhh! We have a real winner here it seems. 
> Sorry, but what a [BEEP]!
> This gets me angry for the very reasons you are I'll bet.
> There's no kinda people in this world I hate more than those close minded slave to god types. It's sad cuz they can't deem right and wrong on their own.
> Like i said in one of my posts it' sad that should a god exist that a mere mortal would have to explain right and wrong to such.
> 
> There is a choice to get better from anxiety tho. Life wont change for anyone until that happens.



Oh yup we sure do have a winner. My mother, everybody... *Very disinterested applause, crickets chirping*
My parents ARE slaves to God. It's disgusting. I mean, sure I have my religious beliefs and whatever, but they don't run my life... And I find it hard to believe that I'm going "Down There" just because I sleep with other dudes. Ridiculous. 
And she doesn't believe that mental health disorders exist. Her opinion "They're a crock so people can get special accomodations in school and get disability benefits." Exact quote. My parents are terrible people.
In a way, I couldn't be happier that they disowned me. I don't have to put up with their nonsense anymore.

----------


## Koalafan

Too much loneliness

----------


## jsgt

Why in the world is this so freakin' hard? Putting off the simplest of tasks hoping they'll go away or fix themselves. Hmmm, I let myself feel overwhelmed when looking at the big picture.  :hit wall:

----------


## SmileyFace

Hate coming home late at night all tired and having my mom follow me around the house. I was about to shower earlier when she knocked on the bathroom door, telling me to "clean up well" since I had been out all day.

Well duh. That's what I was going to do. That's what I always do. She always tells people to do things that people already have the common sense to do (these things shouldn't have to require common sense either). Totally mundane things.

It's like... ??? It annoys everyone. It's awkward seeing her do this to my dad as well.

----------


## Skippy

> Oh yup we sure do have a winner. My mother, everybody... *Very disinterested applause, crickets chirping*
> My parents ARE slaves to God. It's disgusting. I mean, sure I have my religious beliefs and whatever, but they don't run my life... And I find it hard to believe that I'm going "Down There" just because I sleep with other dudes. Ridiculous. 
> And she doesn't believe that mental health disorders exist. Her opinion "They're a crock so people can get special accomodations in school and get disability benefits." Exact quote. My parents are terrible people.
> In a way, I couldn't be happier that they disowned me. I don't have to put up with their nonsense anymore.



Like Illusion said, those ppl are creepy....the nuts religious types act in a really creepy brainwashed sorta way and it really disturbs me...
I hate how they are so arrogant as well it really does make even me wanna fucking slap them so hard it echoes for miles.

----------


## SmileyFace

Mom taking my car out to do errands again. I just got gas last night. I don't want to have to get gas again tomorrow before or after work. I feel like I spend more money on gas than I really should because my parents keep taking it for longass errands on Sundays. And they'd come home with a few notches that won't even last me going one way to work in the morning (2 hour drive).

ugh.

----------


## Koalafan

Bad thoughts  ::(:

----------


## Chloe

I just panicked on a work night out with 4 colleagues. I had the sense to get out of the dead bar (no one was in there) went for a breather what I thought was on my own. The guys followed me out my head just got lower and lower and I couldn't catch my breath had to sit on the wet ground for half an hour with them trying to hold my head so I didn't bang it, acreaming and passing out. Compleatly out of it had them leading me back home until 10 minutes of walking confused me that much we had to stop so I could get a breather. Beyond scared and embarrassed don't want this getting round at work at all D: defiantly don't want to come in on tues  :Ninja:

----------


## SmileyFace

Worries me when someone starts off a bit lively or w/e in a conversation, then they start coming off as upset... bothered... depressed. Just experienced that with the BF. He's got some things going on as of this week (I was barely told this stuff yesterday)...so I had been there for him. But my anxiety ends up kicking in, and when he'd be quiet.. or his responses to me are very vague and/or straightforward, I end up thinking I did/said something wrong..when that was probably not the case at all.

Boy, I need sleep. And a vacation. Far away. Preferably Hawaii.

----------


## Kesky

> Bad thoughts



hang in there Koala. it seems like you're having a rought time. hope today is better.

----------


## Koalafan

> hang in there Koala. it seems like you're having a rought time. hope today is better.



Thanks Kesky! Yea I was having a rough night  ::(:  thankfully I'm feeling better today  :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

I need to take my car in for an oil change. Ugh. Really big waste of time.

----------


## Ironman

> I need to take my car in for an oil change. Ugh. Really big waste of time.



Not for your car!

----------


## SmileyFace

Mom constantly asking stupid Q's. I couldn't help but respond with sarcastic comments.. and then she flips out, saying I insulted her.

Well, maybe she needs to stop asking stupid Q's and stop being so oversensitive.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Reminders of how I'm failing life.

----------


## Koalafan

Reminders as to how utterly socially awkward I am and how much of an outsider I am at my work =/

----------


## Kesky

our cat, Sugar, is direly ill. i can feel how ill she is in my body.
 i'm sad beyond words. I'm also very tired of sadness. very tired of it.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Lots of anxiety an paranoia. So much to do any no idea where to start. It'll be a miracle if I get through this.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> our cat, Sugar, is direly ill. i can feel how ill she is in my body.
>  i'm sad beyond words. I'm also very tired of sadness. very tired of it.



Aw, kes  ::(: . Sorry to hear. Losing pets is heartbreaking. I live with two cats, and thought they are technically my sister's I love them very much and can't imagine them living with her instead, let alone having to say goodbye to them for good.

----------


## SmileyFace

Very moody.

----------


## Keddy

I feel like it's really dead on this site now  ::(:  Like I log in and there are only two or three other people online and a lot of times they're new members that I haven't met before. I miss everybody  ::(: 
I joined here in December of '13 and there were always tons of people online when I was on. It doesn't feel like that anymore.
Sorry if I'm being complainy or if if I offended anybody, I just feel kind of sad about this. Like where did all my friends disappear to?  ::'(:

----------


## Keddy

I'm having (yet another) medical issue and I can't pay for treatment because my parents cut me off, they had been paying for all my medical care and I don't even have my own insurance  ::'(: 
I've been self-medicating with alcohol and all I've been able to do the past few days is lay in bed or on the couch or sit in a chair outside when I need fresh air. I can't exercise and I can't even walk the dogs. I'm sick and I can't do anything about it. I'm just going to drink myself into an early grave.

----------


## SmileyFace

> I feel like it's really dead on this site now  Like I log in and there are only two or three other people online and a lot of times they're new members that I haven't met before. I miss everybody 
> I joined here in December of '13 and there were always tons of people online when I was on. It doesn't feel like that anymore.
> Sorry if I'm being complainy or if if I offended anybody, I just feel kind of sad about this. Like where did all my friends disappear to?



Been noticing the same thing. Chat's especially been uber dead.

----------


## Keddy

I've been lying in bed crying all day  ::'(: 
And drinking. And it doesn't help.

----------


## SmileyFace

God I feel so damn irritated and pissed today, I can't even handle it myself.

----------


## Keddy

I can't even get out of bed today. I tried and I just can't. I've been crying, drinking, and throwing up all day and I really want to die now. I feel so sick that I can hardly even tolerate standing up for a few minutes. I'm dizzy, I'm nauseous, I have no appetite, and my heartbeat is really irregular and my pulse is too slow. I'm scared. I'm either going to die on my own from this or I'm going to do myself in with the amount of alcohol I've been drinking.
I can't take it anymore. I fucking can't.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I can't even get out of bed today. I tried and I just can't. I've been crying, drinking, and throwing up all day and I really want to die now. I feel so sick that I can hardly even tolerate standing up for a few minutes. I'm dizzy, I'm nauseous, I have no appetite, and my heartbeat is really irregular and my pulse is too slow. I'm scared. I'm either going to die on my own from this or I'm going to do myself in with the amount of alcohol I've been drinking.
> I can't take it anymore. I fucking can't.



Sounds like you should be in the hospital, Keddy. Where is your boyfriend? He should be taking you there.  ::(:

----------


## Keddy

> Sounds like you should be in the hospital, Keddy. Where is your boyfriend? He should be taking you there.



Roman took me to the ER a few hours ago and they've admitted me to the hospital, they're running some tests and I'm really scared. I'm going to have to stay overnight if not longer and I'm in a total panic. I just want to know what's wrong with me. I have internet here and I can keep checking in with you guys but I'm so scared right now. Roman's parents said they're going to pay for any treatments or medications that I need.
This is the third time this year I've been in the hospital for a medical issue. THIRD TIME and it's only June. WTF...

----------


## SmileyFace

Don't like how I have some irrational demands today...

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Roman took me to the ER a few hours ago and they've admitted me to the hospital, they're running some tests and I'm really scared. I'm going to have to stay overnight if not longer and I'm in a total panic. I just want to know what's wrong with me. I have internet here and I can keep checking in with you guys but I'm so scared right now. Roman's parents said they're going to pay for any treatments or medications that I need.
> This is the third time this year I've been in the hospital for a medical issue. THIRD TIME and it's only June. WTF...



Glad to hear you're being treated!  :Hug: 
That's generous of Roman's parents to cover your medical bills. Yeah, you're having a rough go of things this year medically huh. Keep us updated on your hospital stay & good luck.  ::):

----------


## Keddy

> Glad to hear you're being treated! 
> That's generous of Roman's parents to cover your medical bills. Yeah, you're having a rough go of things this year medically huh. Keep us updated on your hospital stay & good luck.



I'm really scared  ::(:  The meds they put me on have made me all screwy and I don't feel right. I just want my test results now and I want to go home, I don't want to sleep here  ::(:  I'm so scared.

----------


## Hexagon

I feel so unbelievably lonely. I have little in the way of friends, and not much contact with my family. Actually, it's good I don't talk much with them. My father is extremely manipulative and can sometimes be verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. All I can think of when I'm at home is how much I want to leave, how much I want to return to school so I can get away from here. I've been trying to develop more connections, but it seems so pointless. I drive everyone away at one point or another. My anxiety hinders me from everything, from getting a job, to going out and talking with others, to actually making my life mean something.

I also feel like maybe all my problems are pretty much the same as everyone elses, and that I have no right to feel this way. After all, everyone either wants/needs a job, or hates their job and their parents, really. And why can't I make friends, I shouldn't really have more difficulty than anyone else, but I do.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I'm really scared  The meds they put me on have made me all screwy and I don't feel right. I just want my test results now and I want to go home, I don't want to sleep here  I'm so scared.



Here's hoping your stay there is as short as possible. Did you get your test results back yet? I'm sorry you're having to deal with this nonsense yet again. It was easily fixable the other times, right? I'd say it should be the same deal this time around.  ::):

----------


## Keddy

> Here's hoping your stay there is as short as possible. Did you get your test results back yet? I'm sorry you're having to deal with this nonsense yet again. It was easily fixable the other times, right? I'd say it should be the same deal this time around.



I was discharged this evening and put on a couple of medications... They couldn't find anything abnormal other than my blood pressure being a bit low, which was causing the symptoms. I slept all day, I'm doing better now. I got pretty worked up for no reason. I mean, not that being hospitalized for some really scary symptoms isn't a reason for anybody with anxiety to freak out LOL, but it wasn't as horrifying as I thought, no major heart issues here, just screwy blood pressure. The meds are making me feel a bit funny but that should sort itself out as I get used to them. So all's well that ends well  ::):  Just another day in Anxiety Land, haha.
I should be back to normal in about a week or so. Just no intense exercise (which, honestly, I'm not complaining much about).

----------


## GunnyHighway

That message had absolutely zero context whatsoever. That was from my best friend and when I asked what that meant she just said "idk, nvm". What the [BEEP] did I do wrong? I was literally just enjoying a night of drinking and gaming and got sent that while we were talking about me having to work nights. That was it. 

Then that. What the [BEEP]?! I'm obviously now all anxious trying to figure out what I did wrong  ::

----------


## Keddy

I have had enough backlash from Border collie people who are opposed to dog shows. Yes, I am a show handler. No, that does not make me a terrible person.
Seriously, these "all the dogs you work with are inbred" comments and the "you abuse your dogs" comments are making me pretty livid.
I FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT THESE DOGS ARE NOT TOYS AND THEY ARE NOT WORKS OF ART. THEY ARE LIVING THINGS AND I TREAT THEM LIKE LIVING THINGS AND I LOVE THEM.
Historically, people who train Border collies for herding sheep "what they're supposed to do" and people who handle Border collies for show fucking hate each other. It's a really childish and ridiculous rivalry and I'm tired of all the backlash I get on the Border collie forums for doing what I do.
These people can all [BEEP] off. The dogs I handle are actually NOT inbred, and they're treated very well and are very healthy and happy. I love dogs. I would never do anything ever that I thought was putting a dog in danger. Dog shows are not "torture" and "exploitation." 99.9999% of dog handlers are people who absolutely love their dogs, and that treat their dogs like part of the family. This load of bull that the sheepdog people are making up is nothing but that, a load of bull. IT'S PURE CRAP.
Sorry, I really did just snap there, didn't I? I'm not an easy person to piss off. That should tell you something about these sheepdog people.

----------


## Keddy

> That message had absolutely zero context whatsoever. That was from my best friend and when I asked what that meant she just said "idk, nvm". What the [BEEP] did I do wrong? I was literally just enjoying a night of drinking and gaming and got sent that while we were talking about me having to work nights. That was it. 
> 
> Then that. What the [BEEP]?! I'm obviously now all anxious trying to figure out what I did wrong



You didn't do anything wrong, Gunny. That message sounds like it's, as you said, totally out of context. It must be annoying that she didn't tell you what she meant.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I was discharged this evening and put on a couple of medications... They couldn't find anything abnormal other than my blood pressure being a bit low, which was causing the symptoms. I slept all day, I'm doing better now. I got pretty worked up for no reason. I mean, not that being hospitalized for some really scary symptoms isn't a reason for anybody with anxiety to freak out LOL, but it wasn't as horrifying as I thought, no major heart issues here, just screwy blood pressure. The meds are making me feel a bit funny but that should sort itself out as I get used to them. So all's well that ends well  Just another day in Anxiety Land, haha.
> I should be back to normal in about a week or so. Just no intense exercise (which, honestly, I'm not complaining much about).



That's great, Keddy.  ::): 
No intense exercise it is, then! Doctor's orders, right?  :Tongue:

----------


## Chantellabella

That I haven't completely let go of the hurt I got at my last job. A friend from that job stopped by yesterday and now the wound is fresh again.

----------


## Keddy

I can't keep my weight down anymore  ::(: 
It was nice while it lasted, being thin and all, but I just have to accept that my body is comfortable at a certain weight and I shouldn't try to mess with it anymore. I mean, there are definitely worse things than being heavyset.
Just because society wants everybody to look a certain way doesn't mean that we have to conform to it. Big is still beautiful.

----------


## SmileyFace

Mom tried to get me to renew her driver's license for her. Why can't she fuckin do that herself? She's been driving for who knows how long now and dad always did [BEEP] for her. She needs to learn how to do things herself, especially now that she is about to be 50. Fuck.

I tried to renew online for her but the DMV site was complete [BEEP] just like I remembered (couldn't get through any page at all.. the site just simply didn't work properly at all, kept going down). This went on for at least 30 minutes, me stressing for no fuckin reason.. all because I wanted to get it done asap so everyone could just STFU.

I told my mom to call or go stand in line, but she said that's too much work. Well, you have to do SOMETHING. So after at least 30 minutes of trying to renew online with no success, she was all "So do I have to go stand in line? Is that how you renew it?"

What the fuckin shit. DUH. HOW ELSE HAVE YOU DONE IT?!?!?!?! You stupid bitch.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I think I kinda know how women feel when they're trying to do that winged eyeliner thing perfect on both sides of their face. Except for me, it's my friggin sideburns. My face is _far_ from symmetrical so I basically have no reference to aid in an equal length of sideburns on both sides. My sideburns are really damn short today because I kept failing and having to fix the other side.

----------


## Keddy

The boat ride was wonderful but I now have a really, really bad Irish tan (AKA a sunburn) all over my body.  ::(: 
I get it, I'm Irish, I can't tan. I just burn like hell.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Just about 10 minutes from home I smell a smokey smell in my car. 5 minutes later it sounds like my car's muffler transformed into a tin can. I guess it just was tired of existing in a useful manner.

----------


## Monowheat

I have another full day at work today (I work part time so usually don't do full day shifts) and I'm trying to not let my mind imagine a horrible situation over and over like it did on Monday. I don't know why my over active imagination does it, it's the same scenario over and over, _all day_! All it does is make me super anxious. Why brain? Why?!? D:

----------


## SmileyFace

Feel ignored or whatever by boyfriend even the we chatted on Skype last night. I just got the feeling he didn't wanna talk. I hate it when he goes into this weird man cave of his...I can't help but feel I did or said something wrong recently.

Ironically, I go into a 'cave' every now and then as well, and not talk to him as much...or with anyone in general. And of course, it means nothing personal.

I have a hard time assuming the best intentions  ::(:  I know he's been busy and probably a bit overwhelmed with the things he's got going on, but eh..

I always view everyone else as happier than me so I expect everyone to be happy all the time..And the moment someone isn't anymore, I feel like I did something wrong and that they hate me

----------


## Keddy

It's almost 90 degrees outside and I was walking the dogs and I was sweating buckets, so I came home and blasted the A/C and now I am FUCKING FREEZING. I can't win. 
If you don't like the weather in Massachusetts, wait a few minutes. A few weeks ago it was still 65 degrees out  ::@:

----------


## Blushy

There are a few things actually.

My husband has a four day weekend. I'm stuck working nights on the Forth of July as well as all four evenings my husband has off.

I was recently promoted to a shift manager and this weekend is the first full weekend that I have to close by myself (without another manager). I'm really nervous about it and I don't care much for the cashier I'm having to close with. There's something about him that makes me really uncomfortable.

----------


## Kirsebaer

No energy for anything other than work...

----------


## Member11

> No energy for anything other than work...



 :Hug:

----------


## Member11

Nightmares  ::(:

----------


## Keddy

> Nightmares



 :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

I. CAN'T. STOP. FUCKING. DRINKING.
This needs to stop. I feel like I've been drunk for weeks. I'm turning into a monster  ::(:

----------


## Chantellabella

I hate memories of my past.


I really do. 


I only want to remember the good things. Why do I have to remember the bad stuff?

----------


## GunnyHighway

[BEEP] this loneliness, [BEEP] having a sex drive, [BEEP] my stupidity. I wrecked my tail bone again....

----------


## SmileyFace

A couple cussed me out minutes ago. I was at the intersection, about to turn right. You usually gotta be behind the crosswalk for pedestrians, but this couple was at the other light, looking like they were going to cross the other street instead, not the one I was in front of. I got into the crosswalk waiting for cars to finish coming down, and this couple decided to cross the street I was at. And they got pissed screaming at me to stay away from the "fuckin crosswalk."

Well gee, not my fault you decided to change your mind. Maybe you should have made it fuckin obvious next time. At least I didn't hit you, so I don't know why you're complaining. I was going to yell back, but the lady looked really mean and could probably beat me to a pulp, so I just glared at them.

I don't know why, but it just really set me off. I felt so angry on the way home, even though I won't see those people ever again anyway.

I've been going through quite a rage the last few days  ::\:

----------


## GunnyHighway

Those are the joys of driving... I get honked at downtown for right turns sometimes because pedestrians look like they're changing their minds and, quite frankly, I'm not planning on running anyone over. I'd rather sit there for 15 more seconds wondering than deal with mister "Idunno where I'm going" potentially jumping in front of me. Pedestrians need to understand that giant metal things on wheels + them = they lose  ::

----------


## SmileyFace

> Those are the joys of driving... I get honked at downtown for right turns sometimes because pedestrians look like they're changing their minds and, quite frankly, I'm not planning on running anyone over. I'd rather sit there for 15 more seconds wondering than deal with mister "Idunno where I'm going" potentially jumping in front of me. Pedestrians need to understand that giant metal things on wheels + them = they lose



No kidding. And people on bikes are even worse. They come flying in front of you out of nowhere.

----------


## Keddy

> Those are the joys of driving... I get honked at downtown for right turns sometimes because pedestrians look like they're changing their minds and, quite frankly, I'm not planning on running anyone over. I'd rather sit there for 15 more seconds wondering than deal with mister "Idunno where I'm going" potentially jumping in front of me. Pedestrians need to understand that giant metal things on wheels + them = they lose



Yeah, and what's worse than pedestrians are bikes and those scooter things. I can't count all the times I've almost hit a bike or a Vespa. I would feel like the worst person in the world if I ever ran somebody over. That would totally break my heart.  ::(:

----------


## Keddy

> No kidding. And people on bikes are even worse. They come flying in front of you out of nowhere.



Oh LOL I just saw this as I was posting my response. Bikes really do come flying out of nowhere.

----------


## SmileyFace

> Yeah, and what's worse than pedestrians are bikes and those scooter things. I can't count all the times I've almost hit a bike or a Vespa. I would feel like the worst person in the world if I ever ran somebody over. That would totally break my heart.



I've almost hit people on bikes as well, including little kids. They don't look before crossing the streets, and they'd be standing in front of some car where I can't even see them.

I already feel bad enough when I almost hit someone, even if that person was at fault for almost being hit.

----------


## Keddy

> I already feel bad enough when I almost hit someone, even if that person was at fault for almost being hit.



Yeah, I feel bad too, even if it was totally their fault and not mine. Accidents of any kind are horrible, no matter whose fault it was  ::(:  That's why I try to avoid them at all costs.

----------


## Keddy

My boyfriend's Polish disco music... Don't ask...  :lalalala:

----------


## huppypuppy

My knee - it's starting to drive me bonkers! Wish I had have kept going with the pre-op appointments -  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

My mom was talking about how I need to buy a house 2 yrs after working full time and then she and dad will move in. I said no. And she said "Why not? Do you not love me?"

I lied and said I do love her. And she responded with "Well, if you love me, then you need to let me move in."

*sigh* God I can't wait to get my own apartment and cut all contact with them. You're going to try to get away from them, only to have them on your back all the time anyway.

Why do I have to look after her for the rest of my life? Why can't I look after myself for once? Live my own life for once? Am I not allowed to until she dies, which won't be til 30-40 years from now? That's just unfair.

It's not my fault if they're not going to be able to afford rent...

----------


## Keddy

Blood pressure low again, going back to the emergency room  ::(:

----------


## Arcadia

Confusion over a situation with a friend.  Feel bad about everything, I just want things to be fun again and for us to still be close.

----------


## SmileyFace

These illegal fireworks and the explosions right outside my window is actually making me pretty anxious and on-edge tonight  :Crossed Arms:   ::(:

----------


## Keddy

I'm back in the hospital  ::(: 
At least I have internet here... Yuck, I feel really out of it. My blood pressure is still fucked up. I want to know what's wrong with me.

----------


## SmileyFace

Anxiety tonight. Sucks not being anywhere for 4th of July. Everyone is out but me. Nobody invited me to places, so... eh.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Drunk and nobody will talk to me.  ::'(:

----------


## Monowheat

This headache... Seriously it's killing me!  ::(:

----------


## Keddy

> I'm back in the hospital 
> At least I have internet here... Yuck, I feel really out of it. My blood pressure is still fucked up. I want to know what's wrong with me.



Home again. This is getting to be a really annoying thing. I understand that it's not that serious of an issue, so why do I keep ending up in the ER?!
The symptoms are no walk in the park though. I hate being sick. Hopefully they fixed it for good this time, I don't need any more meds after this one. Fuckin A.

----------


## Kirsebaer

In pain because of my period  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

> In pain because of my period



*sends chocolates*

----------


## Keddy

I've been in bed crying all day and I have a really horrible fear that I'm going to die in my sleep  ::(: 
I know it's unfounded and ridiculous and so not going to happen, but I'm still afraid to go to sleep because of it. My health problems are really starting to f*ck with my head and with my anxiety.

----------


## Keddy

OH MY FUCKING GOD my mother called me and we got in an argument and she TOLD ME TO KILL MYSELF. I am not even fucking kidding.
That's it. I'm done. Goodbye world.

----------


## SmileyFace

Can't stand going a day without talking to the BF. I need to really be more comfortable with myself to not need to talk to him 9458903853 hours a day, but ugh...

----------


## GunnyHighway

Fucking roommate and/or his girlfriend shook up my unopened bottle of soda water. Went to open it and was greeted with a fountain of fizzy sticky crap. Assholes.

----------


## Keddy

I hate my mother. Why would you tell your own son to kill himself? Especially when you *know* that kid has been suicidal since he was in middle school?!
Well what do you think he's going to try to do if you tell him that, [BEEP]?

I'm so lucky I have Roman. I don't think I would be here right now if I didn't.

----------


## Keddy

I feel suicidal again. I can't deal with having these feelings, I need help. Roman is at work and I know I'm going to do something stupid if he's not here, I want to cut... I don't know if it would be rude and selfish of me to call him and demand that he comes home but I don't feel safe.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> I feel suicidal again. I can't deal with having these feelings, I need help. Roman is at work and I know I'm going to do something stupid if he's not here, I want to cut... I don't know if it would be rude and selfish of me to call him and demand that he comes home but I don't feel safe.



!!! Is it something you can talk out online?

----------


## Keddy

> !!! Is it something you can talk out online?



Yes. I made Roman come home from work, I know it was wrong but I won't do it to him again and I needed help. I can also talk it out online. Thank you.

----------


## Keddy

I cut again  ::'(: 
I mean, it could have been worse. At least I'm alive. But still, fucking stupidity on my part. When will I learn?

----------


## Keddy

My psychiatrist told me I'm psychotic  ::(:  Everyone is going to hate me now, I'm a fucking nutcase  ::'(: 
I've never talked about it on here before but I have visual, auditory (i.e. hearing voices), and tactile hallucinations. 
I'm probably schizophrenic but I'm afraid to talk about it because I think people will hate me.
The voices are what tell me to kill myself and cut myself. OK, I said it. Don't hate me please  :hide:

----------


## QuietCalamity

> My psychiatrist told me I'm psychotic  Everyone is going to hate me now, I'm a fucking nutcase 
> I've never talked about it on here before but I have visual, auditory (i.e. hearing voices), and tactile hallucinations. 
> I'm probably schizophrenic but I'm afraid to talk about it because I think people will hate me.
> The voices are what tell me to kill myself and cut myself. OK, I said it. Don't hate me please



 :Hug:  No one hates you. I thought you had mentioned it before, actually. But you shouldn't be embarrassed, it's actually pretty common for severe Depression to have psychotic features. I've seen hundreds if medical records at this point in my internship and it's been striking to me how often I see the diagnosis "Depression w/ Psychotic Feat." If your psychiatrist doesn't think it's Schizophrenia, it probably isn't. As long as you can talk to him/her about it and take your meds, who else even needs to know?

----------


## Keddy

> No one hates you. I thought you had mentioned it before, actually. But you shouldn't be embarrassed, it's actually pretty common for severe Depression to have psychotic features. I've seen hundreds if medical records at this point in my internship and it's been striking to me how often I see the diagnosis "Depression w/ Psychotic Feat." If your psychiatrist doesn't think it's Schizophrenia, it probably isn't. As long as you can talk to him/her about it and take your meds, who else even needs to know?



 :Hug:  I may have mentioned it before. I was hesitant to put that or my PTSD diagnosis out in the open, but I've decided to go the whole nine yards now. This site is my home and I shouldn't be afraid or ashamed to share any of my diagnosis. As long as you guys still like me and care about me, it doesn't matter what I have or how much of a nutcase I am  ::):

----------


## Chantellabella

> My psychiatrist told me I'm psychotic  Everyone is going to hate me now, I'm a fucking nutcase 
> I've never talked about it on here before but I have visual, auditory (i.e. hearing voices), and tactile hallucinations. 
> I'm probably schizophrenic but I'm afraid to talk about it because I think people will hate me.
> The voices are what tell me to kill myself and cut myself. OK, I said it. Don't hate me please



I've lived with auditory and visual hallucinations all my life. But mine are my different parts that were born from trauma. So believe me, I am no person to judge you. Hope you feel better after talking it out.


In fact, I was coming to this thread to air out my own woes. Just a lot of touch stuff now that my parts are getting closer. My feelings and memories can be pretty unbearable at times. I know they are all me, but it's a lot to take in all at one time. My therapist says I need to ask them to help me deal with it. I'm not very good with communicating with them though.

Feelings and memories are hard.  ::(:

----------


## Coffee

I know my cat will die eventually from kidney failure, and I know I've had her for years longer than was originally estimated so I am quite lucky, but I absolutely dread taking her to the vet because I know at some point she will take a sharp downwards turn and I'll have to deal with the idea that at some point, she won't be there when I wake up.

----------


## Keddy

> I've lived with auditory and visual hallucinations all my life. But mine are my different parts that were born from trauma. So believe me, I am no person to judge you. Hope you feel better after talking it out.
> 
> 
> In fact, I was coming to this thread to air out my own woes. Just a lot of touch stuff now that my parts are getting closer. My feelings and memories can be pretty unbearable at times. I know they are all me, but it's a lot to take in all at one time. My therapist says I need to ask them to help me deal with it. I'm not very good with communicating with them though.
> 
> *Feelings and memories are hard*.



^Yes they are  :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

Some stupid teenage boys at the mall said that I was "basic." I looked up the definition and it said something like "Someone who is cocky, sucks at life and thinks they're cool and very attractive, drinks a lot of Starbucks coffee, wears a North Face jacket," etc.
I'm not cocky and I don't think I'm cool or attractive  ::(: 
And I hate Starbucks. I'm a Dunkin Donuts person. I do have a North Face jacket, but what does that count for anything?!
People are so annoying. And idiots. Fucking idiots.  ::(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Stomach's upset

----------


## Keddy

Another job down the fucking toilet  ::'(: 
I lost out with the dog handling thing. The thing that sucks is I don't really know why. I think to be completely honest the people just didn't like me that much. The explanation I got was "It was a trial thing and it didn't seem like it was working out."  ::(: 
So tomorrow I have a job interview at a place that teaches performance arts to kids in elementary through high school. I'm just super anxious about it because they have to do a background check. Would any of my diagnosis or the fact that I've been in the psychiatric hospital show up on a background check??
*Sigh* I feel like I should have stayed with my old job. I hated it and I hated being a manager even more than I hated the job itself, but at least I got paid well and it was a *real* professional job and it would have looked good on a resume.  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

Why can't I stop being anxious  ::(:  Every little thing freaks me out, especially lately.

I'm tired of always thinking I must be doing or saying something wrong around people, when... 98% of the time, that's not the case. And that has been proven 943850435 times now.

----------


## Koalafan

> Another job down the fucking toilet 
> I lost out with the dog handling thing. The thing that sucks is I don't really know why. I think to be completely honest the people just didn't like me that much. The explanation I got was "It was a trial thing and it didn't seem like it was working out." 
> So tomorrow I have a job interview at a place that teaches performance arts to kids in elementary through high school. I'm just super anxious about it because they have to do a background check. Would any of my diagnosis or the fact that I've been in the psychiatric hospital show up on a background check??
> *Sigh* I feel like I should have stayed with my old job. I hated it and I hated being a manager even more than I hated the job itself, but at least I got paid well and it was a *real* professional job and it would have looked good on a resume.



hugs for Keddy  ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Blushy

The fact that I have to keep my sexuality a secret to maintain a relationship with my father. I have no doubt that he would disown me if you knew I was bisexual or if I had married someone of a different race. Part of me wonders why I would even desire a relationship with someone that is so morally opposite and hateful. But I just can't bring myself to cut him out of my life.

----------


## Keddy

> hugs for Keddy



Thanks Koala  :Hug: 





> I don't think medical records are supposed to be a part of background checks and is against HIPAA laws.  I hope the next interview goes well.



Thanks for the reassurance, Marine  ::): 
The interview did go well and they want me to start on Thursday!!!  ::D:

----------


## Keddy

> Woo hoo! Congratulations



Thank you!  ::):

----------


## Keddy

Nervous. I don't start my new job until Thursday but tomorrow I'm observing. I guess I'm just supposed to sit there and watch and be quiet but I'm nervous that I'm going to mess something up. I hope I at least get to interact with the kids some. Kids are great... Only when they're above a certain age though. Babies and toddlers drive me up a wall. These are school age kids. 
I'm also worried that they might not take me seriously as a dance teacher. Just because I'm, you know, Keddy. I is awkward.

----------


## Keddy

> ^ Dance teacher? That's awesome! What style? I met a couple earlier this year, a choreographer and a dancer, who were working on an act. They're travelling the world doing street performances. Hanging out with them made me wish I also went to a dance school, something that had never even crossed my mind before.



I belong to a dance team and I perform hip-hop and lyrical with the team. I'm a principal dancer (lead) and choreographer. I'm trained in hip-hop, lyrical, contemporary, and Irish step  ::):  I've been dancing for most of my life.
I'm going to be teaching these kids a little bit of everything I guess, but my main focus is going to be on lyrical and contemporary with them.

----------


## Monowheat

> The interview did go well and they want me to start on Thursday!!!



Whoop!  :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

> Whoop!



 :Hug:

----------


## Keddy

I was observing today at my new job (I start tomorrow) and shadowing the other dance teacher. Most of the kids are great but there are these two who are freshman in high school, so about fifteen and they're MONSTERS. Rude, disrespectful, full of themselves, and have no regard for anything the instructor or choreographer tells them. And they were so hostile to me today. The director introduced me to the kids- "Guys, this is Keddy, he's going to be one of your new teachers" or something. Most of the kids were really friendly. But _these two_... ugh. They didn't respond or smile and wave like the rest of the kids and were glaring daggers at me and kept looking at me and whispering. That's no way to treat an instructor. Jerk kids.
The only other bad thing was that the routine the high school age group is practicing is an absolute sh*t show. Horrible. The choreography is all off, they're not listening to their teachers, they're not paying attention to the lyrics or the rhythm or ANYTHING. And I'm just like... "This is what they're giving me to work with?" I hope I get stuck with the younger kids more, honestly. High school kids are just NOT my cup of tea. For multiple reasons.
Oh yeah, and my work hours suck. 8:30 AM to 3:30 PM :/
I don't want it to seem like I'm going to hate this job. I'm not. I'm finally doing something with dance and getting paid to do it, that's amazing. It's just minor setbacks. But that's what this thread is for.

----------


## Kirsebaer

I was supposed to work out tonight but laziness took over  ::s:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I was supposed to work out tonight but laziness took over



I was supposed to go for another walk, but came down with a serious case of the fuck-its. >.<

----------


## Keddy

I'm anxious about something that I know is completely false and irrational but because I have OCD, I get obsessive intrusive thoughts. I want to just be like "NO" to these thoughts and have them disappear but I know it's not that easy  ::(: 
It's an OCD/hygiene related thing I'm anxious about but you guys really don't want to know what it is LOL.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I was supposed to go for another walk, but came down with a serious case of the fuck-its. >.<



 ::

----------


## Koalafan

> I was supposed to go for another walk, but came down with a serious case of the fuck-its. >.<



Ah yes! The elusive disease known as "fuck-its"!  ::

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I'm butthurt. Literally, I have a pain in the ass. Who pulls a butt muscle? Me, apparently. I could hardly move earlier, but moving's a bit easier now that I've been on my feet for four hours. Gonna go sit on some ice ...Â¬_Â¬

----------


## Koalafan

> I'm butthurt. Literally, I have a pain in the ass. Who pulls a butt muscle? Me, apparently. I could hardly move earlier, but moving's a bit easier now that I've been on my feet for four hours. Gonna go sit on some ice ...Â¬_Â¬



Aww!  :Hug:  I wish you and your butt a speedy recovery! 

(that's a really awkward sentence!  :: )

----------


## nothing

Life is seriously trying to destroy me. I've been so fucking miserable lately, even more so than usual, I've been thinking about killing myself several times daily. Today has been complete garbage, I botched my trip to the grocery store, but kept trying. I decided to go for a walk and at first I started to see a glimmer of hope and told myself "I don't always have to be a loser, I can improve myself if I keep trying". I actually started to believe my own hype there for a second, but then I had an INTENSE pain in my sural nerve in my left foot. I winced and almost fell down a steep hill. I had to hobble a mile back to my car and people were DEFINITELY staring at me which made me feel one million times worse than the intense pain.

This is a sign, it's life telling me that no matter how hard I try, I'll always be a useless sack of shit. I had optimism for a few seconds, then immediately felt the harsh, literal pain of reality stabbing me in the foot. Life is awful, it's just nonstop misery and suffering, I really think that this is all a brutal, cruel exercise in futility and I'm just going to give up and start medicating myself to death again. I'm taking phenibut until my goddamn kidneys bleed today and in a few days I'll have something better and stronger and I'll live the rest of my days in a daze. [BEEP] it, if I'm going to be doomed to be miserable and alone I'm at least going to mitigate the physical and extreme emotional pain, I'm sick to death of fighting this losing battle.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Aww!  I wish you and your butt a speedy recovery! 
> 
> (that's a really awkward sentence! )



lol thanks Koala  :Hug: 
Probably gonna have a hard time sleeping, but I can deal right now. As long as I don't move. At all. >.<

----------


## Nic

I move in on campus pretty soon, and I'm so scared. I really don't want to go.

----------


## Hexagon

> I move in on campus pretty soon, and I'm so scared. I really don't want to go.



Me too. I've contemplated whether or not I should commute to school from home, but it's more reasonable for me to live on campus. I'm, quite frankly, nervous as hell about it. Hopefully it won't be too bad for either of us.

For some reason, I've been feeling very listless for the past week or so. I'm sure it's the lack of activities and excitement in my life and now I'm becoming tired of routine and I feel too lethargic to do anything else... I feel an oncoming wave of depression, awaiting to rise to the surface and take a hold of me. I should look for a therapist here, seeing as I haven't been to therapy in a year, but it never really did me any good. I think what I found most difficult from my experiences with mental health services is that they're dehumanizing. I don't mean to apply this to everyone, and there are, of course, exceptions, but for the most part, it seems that suffering from a mental health condition means you surrender yourself, and everything is reduced to doctors telling you how broken you are.

----------


## Nic

> Me too. I've contemplated whether or not I should commute to school from home, but it's more reasonable for me to live on campus. I'm, quite frankly, nervous as hell about it. Hopefully it won't be too bad for either of us.



I could have commuted, but I got a scholarship and I can only get the full amount if I stay on campus. It's getting close and closer, and I really just wish summer would start over and give me more time to prepare. But like you said, hopefully it won't be too bad.

----------


## nothing

> for the most part, it seems that suffering from a mental health condition means you surrender yourself, and everything is reduced to doctors telling you how broken you are.



This is the most accurate thing I've seen written on this forum thus far, spot on, they're completely useless and almost never help anyone. I'm now convinced that "mental health professionals" do more harm than good.

----------


## SmileyFace

parents have sure screwed me over more than i thought...

----------


## Otherside

Just feeling so alone, one of those days where I just want to curl up and do nothing and sob. Why? I don't know, I just don't care, I just don't care to do anything. I literally feel as though I am seeing the world through grey tinted spectacles. 

I just don't care anymore. I mean, why should I?

----------


## Harpuia

> Just feeling so alone, one of those days where I just want to curl up and do nothing and sob. Why? I don't know, I just don't care, I just don't care to do anything. I literally feel as though I am seeing the world through grey tinted spectacles. 
> 
> I just don't care anymore. I mean, why should I?



I feel ya there.  :hugs:

----------


## Kirsebaer

I'm in such a bad mood today ::@:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Unrequited crush. 

[BEEP] my life, I didn't realize something this stupid could hurt so, so much. At this age?! Come on.

----------


## Keddy

Roman is taking a nap but I'm feeling anxious and I want company. The dogs are great, but I want human company. I'm staying safe and all but I'm a bit on edge right now and I can't put my finger on exactly why.

----------


## Monowheat

In the last hour or so my mind has decided to barrage me with thoughts and memories of a situation that gives me major anxiety (last time I tried to discuss it I had a panic attack) and I don't know how to make my mind stop reliving it. 

Maybe I should just sleep and hope I don't dream about it.

----------


## Koalafan

> Unrequited crush. 
> 
> [BEEP] my life, I didn't realize something this stupid could hurt so, so much. At this age?! Come on.



I know that feeling all too well..... :Hug:   :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## GunnyHighway

Speeding ticket...I was already strapped for cash, but now I've fucked myself over real good. Stupid photo radars. Stupid me. Stupid.

----------


## Harpuia

Part of me is a little worried about going back to work...

----------


## Keddy

Anxious for no reason. [BEEP] this shit.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I am just a complete blob of bleh. I don't know what to do with myself right now. Literally nobody will answer any of my messages and I'm just going nuts. 

That and my pot of thyme got stolen. Who the hell steals a plant?

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

My landlord giving only an hour's notice in bringing a prospective tenant over. Ugh come on, it's a freaking sty in here and I'm too tired to do something about it.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I am just a complete blob of bleh. I don't know what to do with myself right now. Literally nobody will answer any of my messages and I'm just going nuts. 
> 
> That and my pot of thyme got stolen. *Who the hell steals a plant?*



Kids, I'm assuming. Peoples' shitty little kids will steal anything just for the hell of it. I'm betting that's how some of our garden's solar lights got stolen. I had the same reaction of...who the hell does that?

----------


## Air Caterpillar

I miss my dog  ::'(:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I can't sleep and yet my eyes are burning from what I assume is lack of sleep.

----------


## QuietCalamity

Last night Tim's friend invited him to "boy's night" (grilling, video games, cards) but he didn't want to go somewhere without me since I just started having free time. I told him I was fine staying home and I didn't want to intrude and be a third wheel but he made a big [BEEP] deal over it. So his friend caved and I went and I was bored out of my skull!! Tim implied I'd be playing with them (I'm actually pretty good at GoW) or he'd take turns with me. Apparently that means only when he has to pee or smoke. =| I was the ultimate third wheel the whole time and his friends probably think I'm the worst. Still deciding if I'm "supposed" to be mad at him but I am so I choose yes.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Just deeply depressed, despite taking my medication again, over that guy and going back to Vancouver.

I haven't spoken to my mother in a month- it's going to be a brutal onslaught. I can expect next to no privacy.

----------


## Blushy

I feel like an outcast everywhere I go. I have tried forum after forum and people just don't seem to "get" me.

----------


## Koalafan

> I feel like an outcast everywhere I go. I have tried forum after forum and people just don't seem to "get" me.



 :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

That fear before you open your bank account online to check your balance. And TD EasyWeb is awfully slow tonight.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Today marks the end of the Calgary Stampede, which for someone new to Calgary, is quite a wonder to see. I was supposed to go with a friend but he had to back out. I basically have no other friends so I accepted the fact that I would not be attending. Today I get a message from a random number saying, "Your friend mentioned you wanted to go to Stampede, and I have nobody to go with either. Would you want to go to see Billy Talent?" Of course I say yes and get happy that I could actually go. 


Nope. It was my friend on his new number. This "person" doesn't exist. I am not going to Stampede. I am laying in bed for the rest of the night feeling like the stupid piece of [BEEP] that I am. Ugh.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Today marks the end of the Calgary Stampede, which for someone new to Calgary, is quite a wonder to see. I was supposed to go with a friend but he had to back out. I basically have no other friends so I accepted the fact that I would not be attending. Today I get a message from a random number saying, "Your friend mentioned you wanted to go to Stampede, and I have nobody to go with either. Would you want to go to see Billy Talent?" Of course I say yes and get happy that I could actually go. 
> 
> 
> Nope. It was my friend on his new number. This "person" doesn't exist. I am not going to Stampede. I am laying in bed for the rest of the night feeling like the stupid piece of [BEEP] that I am. Ugh.



WTF?? What a shitty thing for your "friend" to do, he must have been mortified. How did you know it was him?

Hugs, Kyle don't call yourself that.

----------


## GunnyHighway

> WTF?? What a shitty thing for your "friend" to do, he must have been mortified. How did you know it was him?
> 
> Hugs, Kyle don't call yourself that.



He sent me a picture of himself flipping the bird. He's a joker for sure, but this is a bit rough for me with how I've been feeling these past few days. He's my boss at work for a few weeks so I can't really say [BEEP] about it...

On an unrelated note, I need drugs badly. Right now I need sleeping pills because I can't sleep even after a cup of sleepy time tea. Secondly, I need something to make me more comfortable without human interaction. I'm so bloody reclusive yet I crave for human interaction. Sucks when nobody is around to talk to.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Nervous about my doctor appointment. It should go smoothly, but I still feel like I'd be stupid to assume anything. Oh and wow, just wow. Lesson learned: never look at the backs of my legs. The varicose veins just keep getting worse. My dermatologist is going to make thousands off of me when I can afford treatment. I cannot believe that's what my legs look like.

----------


## Koalafan

Blah....really hating myself today =/

----------


## nothing

I was doing better, I've been accomplishing things lately, but then I started to browse through job openings in my area; how fucking depressing this is. They're all AWFUL, I can't deal with food service jobs, I know I'd kill myself if I had to do that [BEEP] and everything else, well, I'm not qualified. I don't think I'll ever get my life in order, I really don't.

Maybe I'm trying to do too much too fast though, I need to learn to accept my successes and not keep dwelling on what a screw-up I am. It seems impossible, I'm too damn negative. AAAAAAA, I just want to scream and punch something!!! Why am I such a mess???

----------


## Keddy

> Today marks the end of the Calgary Stampede, which for someone new to Calgary, is quite a wonder to see. I was supposed to go with a friend but he had to back out. I basically have no other friends so I accepted the fact that I would not be attending. Today I get a message from a random number saying, "Your friend mentioned you wanted to go to Stampede, and I have nobody to go with either. Would you want to go to see Billy Talent?" Of course I say yes and get happy that I could actually go. 
> 
> Nope. It was my friend on his new number. This "person" doesn't exist. I am not going to Stampede. I am laying in bed for the rest of the night feeling like the stupid piece of [BEEP] that I am. Ugh.



Aww Kyle, that's a horrible thing for him to do, man. I get that treatment from "friends" a lot at college so now anybody who's not in my immediate circle (there's four of us including myself and my boyfriend/fiance) can go screw and I just hang with my two closest friends.

----------


## Keddy

> I feel like an outcast everywhere I go. I have tried forum after forum and people just don't seem to "get" me.



You don't need to feel like an outcast here. Sure, we're all very different from each other, but we all "get" each other on some level and there's a lot of mutual respect and support here.
And you can always, always talk to me.  :Hug:

----------


## Harpuia

> I feel like an outcast everywhere I go. I have tried forum after forum and people just don't seem to "get" me.



I can totally relate.  Probably why this is the only forum I go to now.  Strangely enough the rest can cause stress and stress is kinda bad for me right now.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Today marks the end of the Calgary Stampede, which for someone new to Calgary, is quite a wonder to see. I was supposed to go with a friend but he had to back out. I basically have no other friends so I accepted the fact that I would not be attending. Today I get a message from a random number saying, "Your friend mentioned you wanted to go to Stampede, and I have nobody to go with either. Would you want to go to see Billy Talent?" Of course I say yes and get happy that I could actually go. 
> 
> 
> Nope. It was my friend on his new number. This "person" doesn't exist. I am not going to Stampede. I am laying in bed for the rest of the night feeling like the stupid piece of [BEEP] that I am. Ugh.



FWIW, I would totally go with you! Not really my thing, but I like to take any excuse I can get to get out of the house and it would be cool to hang out with you.  ::): 




> Blah....really hating myself today =/



 :Hug: 
I've had a lot of those moments today. It's a huge struggle sometimes. I think it's important to be forgiving to ourselves. We will always be way more harsh on ourselves than anybody else. The goals I set for myself are often unattainable, and so I end up being disappointed. Slowly learning to set smaller goals. 




> I was doing better, I've been accomplishing things lately, but then I started to browse through job openings in my area; how fucking depressing this is. They're all AWFUL, I can't deal with food service jobs, I know I'd kill myself if I had to do that [BEEP] and everything else, well, I'm not qualified. I don't think I'll ever get my life in order, I really don't.
> 
> *Maybe I'm trying to do too much too fast though,* I need to learn to accept my successes and not keep dwelling on what a screw-up I am. It seems impossible, I'm too damn negative. AAAAAAA, I just want to scream and punch something!!! Why am I such a mess???



You're making awesome progress, but these kinds of things are understandably still going to be overwhelming to think about. My unemployed [BEEP] would know >.<. I understand the frustration of not being qualified for anything. If you're anything like me, you over-think things to the point where there's no room left in your head for any positivity or optimism. I'm not wired to "go with the flow" and just see where life takes me, so it takes a lot of practice so squash the incessant negative thoughts. Focusing on your successes is a a great idea! Maybe write them down in a notebook and whenever you feel a wave of depression and whatnot coming on, remind yourself of all the things you've accomplished.

----------


## Keddy

Feeling dissociated and I'm possibly a cutting risk right now but I have to work tomorrow morning... I don't know what to do  ::(: 
I'm just going to keep talking to Roman and see if we can go to sleep now. That might help.

----------


## nothing

I'm sick of being a failure, no matter what I do at this point, I feel it's too late. I'm too damaged, even on a "good" day I have a damaging level of anxiety and cortisol production. It's caused and is causing physiological changes and damage, every part of my body is stressed out and not functioning properly. No relaxation technique ever works, only drugging myself reduces the stress temporarily and well, that's not very healthy either. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I don't medicate myself then I'm either panicking to the point where I just have to hide from the world or on a "good" day I can do a few minor things and just suffer through it all with stress-induced damage to my worthless body. If I do medicate myself, I still never accomplish much and I damage my organs with the drugs. I should spare myself the misery and jump off of a fucking mountain, but I'm too much of a coward to even do that. I must be a serious masochist to bother staying alive; I must enjoy suffering because that's all I'll ever do in life.

----------


## Hexagon

> I feel like an outcast everywhere I go. I have tried forum after forum and people just don't seem to "get" me.



I can definitely relate. I don't seem to fit in anywhere, no matter if it's a forum, or a club, or even among others regardless of the context. I'm pretty much rejected from most in the outside world, so I come on forums and the like in attempts to fit in somewhere, but to no avail.

Blah, today was fairly uneventful. Better luck tomorrow, maybe.

----------


## Harpuia

I feel lonely as hell right now...

----------


## QuietCalamity

I don't know how to be a good friend. Scratch that - I know how, it's just so difficult to follow through with. I want to give up on making friends. I don't deserve friends.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I'm deteriorating from loneliness, I want to vomit at the thought of returning to Van next week, and I feel like a fish out of water.

----------


## QuietCalamity

Called in sick again. I hate how weak I am.

----------


## Member11

People suck  ::(:

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Many things are bothering me at the moment and have been for a while.





> People suck



Indeed.

----------


## Harpuia

Been slowly learning I can't have nice things...  ::(:

----------


## Hexagon

I don't want to go out of my way to harm myself, but if an 'accident' happened, I surely wouldn't mind.

I feel so alone.

----------


## nothing

> People suck



You're a person and you don't suck.

Well, I'm not 100% sure you're a person, you may be a sentient artificial intelligence program that admins the forums, but if you really are a person then you most certainly don't suck!

----------


## nothing

> I don't know how to be a good friend. Scratch that - I know how, it's just so difficult to follow through with. I want to give up on making friends. I don't deserve friends.



I know how you feel, I really only have one friend, well, his wife says she's a friend too, but I don't feel that I'm good enough for friends and I don't understand why either one of them ever wants to communicate with me and I suck at friendship, but I'm going to keep trying to improve and I think you can too. They always tell me that I'm not horrible at friendship like I think I am and I'll bet that's true for you as well because you seem like a caring person who has a lot to offer as a friend.

----------


## nothing

> I don't want to go out of my way to harm myself, but if an 'accident' happened, I surely wouldn't mind.
> 
> I feel so alone.



I feel like that most days, I say I wish my suicide attempt in February was successful, but right now I'm glad it wasn't. The darkness will creep back in soon, I'm sure, but we need to learn to accept the positive things in life; even if they seem few and far between.

You say you wouldn't mind if an accident happened to you, but I would, I'd mind and so would others.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

The student loans website is leading me in circles. They make obscure requests for information I would normally never even have at my disposal, and yet don't even offer examples of the types of documents they need. And I'm just expected to figure it all out. I wouldn't be in this situation if I had've just forced myself into another job these past two years. I genuinely hate myself right now.

----------


## Hexagon

> I feel like that most days, I say I wish my suicide attempt in February was successful, but right now I'm glad it wasn't. The darkness will creep back in soon, I'm sure, but we need to learn to accept the positive things in life; even if they seem few and far between.
> 
> You say you wouldn't mind if an accident happened to you, but I would, I'd mind and so would others.



It's enlightening to hear you're in a better pace now, and good point. I suppose it's the depression talking, as I'm sure if something were to happen, I wouldn't feel as careless.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> I know how you feel, I really only have one friend, well, his wife says she's a friend too, but I don't feel that I'm good enough for friends and I don't understand why either one of them ever wants to communicate with me and I suck at friendship, but I'm going to keep trying to improve and I think you can too. They always tell me that I'm not horrible at friendship like I think I am and I'll bet that's true for you as well because you seem like a caring person who has a lot to offer as a friend.



Thank you. That was very kind. I hope I didn't come across as fishing, but it's nice to hear anything positive from someone else.

----------


## nothing

> Thank you. That was very kind. I hope I didn't come across as fishing, but it's nice to hear anything positive from someone else.



Fishing for what, the compliment I gave you? No, you didn't, but even if you were, it would be okay because we all need to hear nice things about ourselves sometimes. Seriously though, you didn't come across as fishing so try not to worry about that.  ::):

----------


## SmileyFace

Got snappy with mom minutes ago because she was asking why I was staying up late when it was only 9:30pm. I said "it's too early to sleep" with a slight attitude, and she got all upset. She was all "The least you could do is respond kindly saying it's too early to sleep."

Well, gee I'm sorry... but if you're going to actually snap at me first for "staying up" when you know it's not even late, I will snap back. Stop trying to fuckin set me up so you have more "opportunities" to [BEEP] at me.

After I move out, I'm totally gonna cut off all contact eventually.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

No butt pain today, but my left thigh/hip is quite sore to make up for that. :/
Exactly the same deal as before, back when I saw the doctor about it and went for that hip x-ray (which showed that nothing was wrong). It's more of a weakness than a jolting pain right now, which I prefer. Less chance of me faceplanting. I don't think I should attempt any exercises at all today. I still would like to hobble to the mall to buy some school stuff though. 

I had such a shitty sleep last night because of this (among other things). I think I'll try to sleep on my right side tonight and see if it makes any difference pain-wise.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> No butt pain today, but my left thigh/hip is quite sore to make up for that. :/
> Exactly the same deal as before, back when I saw the doctor about it and went for that hip x-ray (which showed that nothing was wrong). It's more of a weakness than a jolting pain right now, which I prefer. Less chance of me faceplanting. I don't think I should attempt any exercises at all today. I still would like to hobble to the mall to buy some school stuff though. 
> 
> I had such a shitty sleep last night because of this (among other things). I think I'll try to sleep on my right side tonight and see if it makes any difference pain-wise.



Sorry to hear you're in pain again  ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Harpuia

I've gotten so tired lately...

----------


## Hexagon

Coffee is supposed to make you feel energized, right? Caffeine =/= sleepiness, but for the past week I've been feeling extremely tired, and notably so after drinking coffee. I hate feeling groggy like this.

Also, f*ck college fees, for some reason my university's site isn't recognizing my payment for this year and now I have to bother e-mailing someone about it. *sigh* nothing goes right, does it. I seriously hope this doesn't jeopardize me this year, since the deadline was Monday.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Sorry to hear you're in pain again



I'm getting really sick of this. It has been going on for about a year. On and off.  :Hug: 

--

Screeching children are bothering me right now.

----------


## QuietCalamity

More stomach cramps. They're not my normal stomach aches. I guess I need to call a doctor in the morning. Anxious about it already. X(

----------


## SmileyFace

Anxious all over the damn place today. Should stop caffeine consumption again....

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Debilitating allergies. I have to cancel an entire day's plans to hole up in my apartment because they're that bad  ::'(:

----------


## QuietCalamity

I locked my keys in the car. 45 mins from home. Someone please kill me already?

----------


## Harpuia

Slightly depressed about my illness.  :/

----------


## Hexagon

I absolutely loathe my father, most of the time. Either it's a misogynistic comment aimed towards my mother or someone on television, or a homophobic comment, or something absolutely barbaric. As much as I hate the prospect of living on campus, I can't wait for school to start up again just so I don't have to be here, in this vortex of spite and arrogance, which only contributes to my depression.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Stuck in a car for the next 40 minutes having to smell some guy's BO and bad breath.. Seriously, how do some people manage to stink this bad? Grrrrrr

----------


## Hexagon

I hate having sexuality and race asked for in areas like politics and employment. HATE it. I get asked this question on every job application I send in, and I loathed answering it for my university application. First, how does my sexuality or race affect my ability to do the job? Second, how is it any of your business? And third, shouldn't we as a species be moving beyond concepts of race, likewise attempting to put people into boxes due to their sexuality or gender identity? We're all human.

----------


## Skippy

I'm pretty bothered cuz I feel really off today so confused n hard to rememeber stuff....I guess it's the nature of my injury and im guessing this is why hospital wanted to keep me.

----------


## Total Eclipse

Ughhh FATIGUE. ..is getting worse. This isn't even my typical fatigue.   It's like that feeling you get after pain meds kick in and you wanna  pass out. Only I m not on pain meds at the moment.  No amount of  caffeine. .or apples or bananas helped me today.

----------


## Just Lurking

YES, something is bothering me right now. And it's not the insomnia!!!!

----------


## Just Lurking

Now where in the hell is the option to search users.

----------


## Member11

Sick... bleh!

----------


## Harpuia

I'm starting to hate this... no wonder they say all your worst nightmares will eventually come true.  It's what's happening to me right now.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Yesterday I went out with a bunch of family and friends for something called Langdon Days. 8 hours of drinking, then a ride in the bed of a truck, and I can't remember what happened after that. I think I might have had a few passes of a joint at the end of the night....but nobody remembers for sure. 

My head is spinning. Someone turn the sun off please.

----------


## Hexagon

I feel like dying. I want to die in my sleep. Let it be done and over with.

----------


## SmileyFace

Trying not to worry so much anymore. Rather draining worrying about everything...

----------


## Skippy

.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Ughh...nothing about any of this can just happen, can it? It's got to be dragged out for weeks. I phoned about my student loan last Wednesday and told what's-her-name about my employment/unemployment history that had been missing from my form. She said she added it to my file. Well, under that section I still see "incomplete" and I haven't received any emails or phone calls from their office.

Oh, and I wasn't given any refills on my meds. Super. Why didn't I think to ask? I guess I thought that was assumed when I asked to go back on my previous prescription. I don't know how to take care of this. I doubt the pharmacy can make that decision. I didn't want to make another appointment. Maybe if they just phone the doc and he says okay (which seems characteristic of him, actually). Of course there would be issues with both of these things. Nothing has been accomplished yet. Just more confusion. 

In the meantime, I'm going to have to contact my school and inform them they may have to give me some extra time to get that first payment in. Thankfully this is something they offer or I'd be in deep shit. It's due August 1st and I'm still waiting on the student loans office to do their job. 

Everyone who visits has to ask about the course.
Oh yes, the course.
Are you exited???
No. No I am not excited. I pretty much just want to die every time I think about it. STOP FUCKING ASKING.

----------


## nothing

I was feeling better, but now everything is crashing down again. I'll never be able to get a job and support myself, I'll never move out of my mother's house. What woman would want to be with a 34 (almost 35) year old man with no job who lives with his mother? Ohh, and I'm completely hopeless around women, I have no fucking idea what to say or ask them to get to know them. The thought of just going out to eat with a woman and having to talk to her is making me physically ill right now, I ate an hour ago and I feel like I'm going to vomit. It's so awful, I'm so hopeless and I'm starting to panic, this never gets better, the harder I try the worse I get. I tried medicating myself recently and nothing can stop the feelings anymore, the hopelessness is choking me to death; it'll never leave me alone, not until I'm finally dead.

----------


## Hexagon

ffs, university payment probably hasn't been accounted for. I have no notification of whether or not I've been enrolled for this year, and I better get confirmation this week since I haven't been able to enroll for any of my classes. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck. Even now, there's so little seats available for the classes that are required for my major, who knows if I'll even be able to have enough for full-time this semester. I don't even care for uni, but it's better to be working towards something. And if this falls through, I'm going to be miserable until spring.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I just left the most ridiculous voicemail for my campus. I was prepared to talk to a human being, not a damn machine! I didn't even have my student ID handy and I don't know what information they need...soooo hopefully they know what to do with the information I stuttered to them. "My student ID is 542..-wait, sorry (nervous laugh) that's wrong, moving on.." I never even left my phone number. I should have just hung up because that was useless. I wasn't even anxious I just thought I was being put through to A PERSON. Now I look like a fucking bumbling idiot.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Depressed. I feel like I'm in a state of dissonance- the life I have/had the past three months. And the life I lived back in Vancouver.

I don't know which is the right answer.

----------


## GunnyHighway

My nose has gone full broken faucet mode. I cannot get this freaking thing to stop running. 

Someone make it stop please. I'd also like some chicken noodle soup...please  ::

----------


## QuietCalamity

No one ever called me about my blood work results. I called and found out they were normal. The nurse said the doctor looked at it and apparently decided I was totes fine. But I'm still in a lot of pain.  It kept me up all night last night. Now I have to wait 2 weeks to see him again. Kind of want to cry out of frustration. > ::(:

----------


## QuietCalamity

> *hugs* I'm going through something similar, but the pain I'm having isn't severe.  Did they give you something for the pain at least?



Thanks.  :Hug:  I'm sorry to hear that. No, he didn't even give me anything for the pain. I don't think the doctor believed me or took me seriously because nothing hurt at the time of the appointment and it had "only been happening for 4 days". This was a really highly rated doctor and he was really helpful when I first sought out anxiety meds but I'm seriously not happy.

----------


## SmileyFace

Suddenly anxious and negative again. This further proves I need to stop looking for approval/acceptance all the time.. need to stop pitying myself and actually be an adult - and stay acting like a true adult.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Coughing up blood. Sooo lightheaded.

----------


## Harpuia

IV Iron therapy hurt really bad today...

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> Coughing up blood. Sooo lightheaded.



What's going on, Kyle? Do you know why it's happening? I'm worried. 





> IV Iron therapy hurt really bad today...



 :Hug:

----------


## Harpuia

And another friend starts distancing himself away from me... mostly due to my illness.

----------


## Harpuia

> What's going on, Kyle? Do you know why it's happening? I'm worried.



Thank you.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Headache and stomach ache  ::s:

----------


## Kirsebaer

It's been about 3 weeks since I started taking contraceptives to treat my polycystic ovary syndrome and the side effects are starting to piss me off. Had a horrible episode of migraine one of these nights and ended up in the hospital at 2 a.m. , my breasts are getting huge and they hurt like hell, my legs are kinda swollen as well = water retention, I guess. 
But at least my acne is almost gone now. I just hope the side effects will go away at some point

----------


## Harpuia

One of those days where I just feel ready to give up...

----------


## SmileyFace

Shouldn't have told my parents about my new job and my plans to move out asap...

----------


## Keddy

I'm back (don't know if anyone noticed that I was gone) but I'm going to be relatively useless for a while. I don't want to talk about what happened or where I was but all you need to know is that I'm alive and I'm in VERY poor space.
And I'm very detached right now so if it seems like I'm being rude, I'm not, and I'm sorry. I'm just really distant. Even Roman is having trouble talking to me right now.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> I'm back (don't know if anyone noticed that I was gone) but I'm going to be relatively useless for a while. I don't want to talk about what happened or where I was but all you need to know is that I'm alive and I'm in VERY poor space.
> And I'm very detached right now so if it seems like I'm being rude, I'm not, and I'm sorry. I'm just really distant. Even Roman is having trouble talking to me right now.



I wish you were feeling better but I'm glad you're back, Keddy.  :Hug:

----------


## Chloe

That's my mum bailed on me yet again, it seems that no matter what I'm doing be it horse riding, drawing, dog walking, keeping fish, doing college work that relates to my parents they don't seem to take interest. As childish as it sounds they don't want to observe or take interest. Normally it would upset and annoy me that they want to ignore what I'm doing but now it means I'm going to have to waste money practicing driving with the instructor rather than in one of their cars which would be suitable for free (or the cost of fuel and day insurance for a learner  ::@:  may not make sense to anyone reading but it's stupidly annoying

----------


## SmileyFace

Mom called me a [BEEP] because I'm trying to make my own decisions as I prepare to move out...

----------


## Chantellabella

> Mom called me a [BEEP] because I'm trying to make my own decisions as I prepare to move out...



That sucks. Sorry your mom said that. I mean, what mom says that?? Oh yeah, my mother too. 

It hurts and sucks doesn't it?  :Hug:

----------


## Member11

Some spammer has gotten hold of one of my e-mail addresses, spam every hour, makes me sad  ::(:

----------


## Koalafan

I feel like I'm annoying everyone I talk to... :hide:

----------


## Keddy

I difficult time with words last few days. Having bad psychotic episode and my brain is kind of a mess. Sorry I will not be much use for a while  ::(: 
I am here, listening. I just can not speak well right now. Will try.

----------


## L

Job hunting is very anxiety provoking

----------


## Harpuia

I probably should just separate myself from everyone...

----------


## sociallydiseased

I've always been frustrated with the sound of my voice so I cannot bring myself to record any song that I sing or play.

----------


## QuietCalamity

Tim has been gone all day. It was nice at first to get alone time, and I managed to record a song. But now that it's dark out I'm getting spooked. I feel like I'm hearing things. I do not like alone at night.

----------


## SmileyFace

anxiety attacks over apt hunting... constantly worried about how I will handle bills and other responsibilities when living on my own.

----------


## Kirsebaer

low self-esteem.. having negative thoughts about myself.

----------


## L

> anxiety attacks over apt hunting... constantly worried about how I will handle bills and other responsibilities when living on my own.



Did you get to view today?

----------


## L

Was going to book a get away for mum and I but EVERYTHING is book out for this weekend

----------


## Harpuia

I can see why they say I don't deserve nice things...

Why was I allowed to live again?

----------


## SmileyFace

> Did you get to view today?



Didn't view any of the apts/studios. The one I really have my eyes on, the management office wasn't opened today. So I'm gonna call them tomorrow to make an appointment for a tour Tuesday. The area around this spot is awesome. 10 minutes away from the beach. I hope this is the one <3 lol

----------


## L

> Didn't view any of the apts/studios. The one I really have my eyes on, the management office wasn't opened today. So I'm gonna call them tomorrow to make an appointment for a tour Tuesday. The area around this spot is awesome. 10 minutes away from the beach. I hope this is the one <3 lol



Yeah I guess it is Sunday and one would expect places to be shut. Next to a beach sounds really cool. I will keep my fingers crossed  ::):

----------


## SmileyFace

> Yeah I guess it is Sunday and one would expect places to be shut. Next to a beach sounds really cool. I will keep my fingers crossed



Thanks  ::):

----------


## ali

I am withdrawing from Seroquel and I am super itchy. Also pretty depressed! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!  ::'(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I am withdrawing from Seroquel and I am super itchy. Also pretty depressed! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!



Welcome to the forum and good luck with the withdrawal.  :Hug:

----------


## Harpuia

Was supposed to hang out with a friend today but he's too busy.  Gonna hear it from my mom tomorrow..  :-_-:

----------


## Keddy

I want to stop cutting  ::(:  I'm a dance teacher and sooner or later my students are going to ask why I'm always wearing long pants. Or worst case scenario, I'm going to come into work wearing shorts... :/

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

My dad needs a pacemaker. It's sort of a good thing though. At least now he can stop running around to different doctors. Hopefully he can have that surgery and finally find some relief with his breathing. 

Also, I researched my doctor this morning. My mother informed me that she'd learned something about him having his license revoked a while back and I was curious as to why. He's now able to work only a certain number of hours per week in a group setting while under supervision. I thought it would be some minor slip-up, but apparently he's abused alcohol and drugs for more than 20 years, left his practice without warning, prescribed large amounts of narcotics to certain patients, self-administered drugs in front of a patient, and disclosed patient information to others while under the influence. 

Wasn't expecting all that lol. But honestly? I don't care. All I need from him is anxiety meds. That's it. After my last doctor being dead-set on me going off them, I don't care what this guy did before I was a patient of his. Bigger fish to fry.

----------


## QuietCalamity

My back hurts because I haven't been doing my yoga and I'm soooo bloated. I look 5 months pregnant. I have a big job interview tomorrow and I'm actually worried they might think that and not hire me. It's definitely hurting my confidence at least.

----------


## Skippy

It's almost 4am, I haven't slept and I need to go to TBI rehab clinic in 4 hours....><

----------


## SmileyFace

Woke up to some acid reflux.

----------


## Hexagon

I don't know why, but I woke up feeling incredibly anxious.

----------


## Harpuia

Life reminds me that I don't deserve friends.  Ever.

Living on borrowed time sucks.

----------


## SmileyFace

Experiencing horrible acid reflux. Reminds me of 2 yrs ago, ugh. I shouldn't have had those fries earlier. This is usually a sure sign that I need to cut out the junk food. I had been eating so much... and not exercising. Gah.

----------


## QuietCalamity

Restless Leg Syndrome. So tired, but can't sleep.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

i'm so tired and have a nice headache goin on. First day that i actually don't want to go to work

----------


## QuietCalamity

My car broke down on the interstate.... So I'm justawaitin.... Hope it doesn't cause an accident.

----------


## nothing

My damn dentist is only open like one or two days a week and I have a painful cavity. He's a jerk, I need to find someone new.

----------


## SmileyFace

> My damn dentist is only open like one or two days a week and I have a painful cavity. He's a jerk, I need to find someone new.



Only 1-2 days a week? What kind of business is this? Why would a dentist be opened for just 1-2 days per week? o_o

----------


## nothing

> Only 1-2 days a week? What kind of business is this? Why would a dentist be opened for just 1-2 days per week? o_o



It's western North Carolina, nobody claimed it made any sense!  ::D: 

Seriously, I was shocked when I first moved here, I don't know how any of these places stay in business. It's the way people are here, they just do things on their own schedule. Super frustrating.

----------


## QuietCalamity

RIP my car. 1999-2014. Your transmission was shoddy, your breaks were weak, your air conditioning didn't work, your assembly made any maintenance and repair a nightmare, you were too long and difficult to park, and you weren't pretty-looking by the time we met, BUT you were my car and I loved you anyway. I'm sorry we didn't get more time together.  ::(:   ::'(:

----------


## L

So tired

----------


## QuietCalamity

Texting my dad about my options for buying a car. He said "Wait is this Cal or Tim?" "Oh, it sounded like Tim." Because I knew what I was talking about. Trying to chalk it up to general misogyny instead of taking it (more) personally. He also thinks it's better to let me go 2 weeks without a paycheck (to be clear, I am independent with bills to pay) and totally jeopardize my new job than make their basement kid get a ride to work from his gf a few times. No, I'm totally an equal in that family. PFFFT.

----------


## Skippy

> RIP my car. 1999-2014. Your transmission was shoddy, your breaks were weak, your air conditioning didn't work, your assembly made any maintenance and repair a nightmare, you were too long and difficult to park, and you weren't pretty-looking by the time we met, BUT you were my car and I loved you anyway. I'm sorry we didn't get more time together.




Aww, real sorry to hear yer car's toast.  :Hug:  I hate bein' in this situation myself; I'm not even knowin' what happened. ><
 Hope ya get an awesome new one that makes ya say later "I don't miss the old one!"

----------


## L

I had a dream I got married last night - the wedding was terrifying

----------


## Monowheat

Still tired and I have work in an hour. Maybe I need another coffee.

----------


## Chantellabella

I'm really anxious about a huge program that I'm doing today. We've had 1500, 800, 400, and always over 200 people attending our programs this summer. 

I'm not sure why I'm worried about this one. I'm just really anxious. It'll be nice when summer programming is finally over. Yes, we have programs year round, but it's been crazy busy with these massive ones.

----------


## SmileyFace

Man, I gained back all the weight I lost.

----------


## nothing

I am, I'm bothering myself. All the progress I made was for shit, it doesn't mean anything. I'm just going to sit here, drink, take pills and cry about how I'll be lonely and miserable until I finally die because it's easier than feeling the horrible anxiety when I go out and try to do things.

----------


## QuietCalamity

Uuuuuuuuuuuhgh PMS bloat. Nothing fits and I feel like a walrus trying to put on jeans. Maybe I'll just stay home tonight.

----------


## QuietCalamity

Idk why I always want to help people. No one wants my help. My help sucks.

----------


## SmileyFace

> Uuuuuuuuuuuhgh PMS bloat. Nothing fits and I feel like a walrus trying to put on jeans. Maybe I'll just stay home tonight.



PMS bloats... and weight gain from PMS and stress here. Double the trouble lol. I feel like a freakin' whale.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> PMS bloats... and weight gain from PMS and stress here. Double the trouble lol. I feel like a freakin' whale.



Haha same here. My bigger clothes barely fit before I got bloated. This is the biggest I've ever been. Depressing.

----------


## SmileyFace

> Haha same here. My bigger clothes barely fit before I got bloated. This is the biggest I've ever been. Depressing.



I lost quite a bit of weight over the last several months... then I just gained it all back. I'm back to where I started (about 150 lbs). UGH

----------


## SmileyFace

Hurts to see my BF is a bit insecure about our relationship, thinking I am seeing someone else...

----------


## GunnyHighway

The thunder outside sounds like it's happening 10 feet off of the ground. I'm waiting for thunder to come knock at my door at this point...olawdy.

----------


## L

I feel a little anxious about what I am taking on....I hope it works how I need it to

----------


## nothing

My grandmother just told me that I'm great and have a lot going for me. She thanked me for all the things I've been doing for her. I wish I believed that about myself, I know she's just saying that because it's what grandmothers do, I really don't have anything going for me, I'm a failure in life and I think I always will be.

This is making me cry now, I don't know how to stop hating myself. I don't want this, I want it to stop, I want my horrible brain to shut up and stop tormenting me. I'm sick of trying, it never goes anywhere, I'm always the same, a complete loser.

----------


## nothing

Spending money on useless therapy is bothering me. What a crock of [BEEP] it is, I want to tell her that I think it's bullshit and I'm not writing in a fucking moronic gratitude journal, but I'm afraid if I'm REALLY honest I'll start to get angry in the office and lose control. So, I just sit there like an idiot and agree with whatever she says while my mind races and my right eye starts to twitch. Eventually I'm just going to explode, I honestly can't live being this miserable anymore.

----------


## Hexagon

I really want to die. I don't know, that was an awful doctors appointment. I should kill myself and have everyone around me free of my bullshit.

----------


## GunnyHighway

New roommate is moving in, has two friends helping him. Hiding in my room now.

----------


## Keddy

Hey guys, I'm still around but not doing well... Just wanted to let you know I'm still alive LOL. Things just aren't good right now. Roman is doing what he can and I am so fortunate to have him, but other stuff... Mostly medical stuff. It's not even my mental health anymore. I'll keep you guys updated :/

----------


## SmileyFace

Exhausted from first day at work and mom won't stop asking stupid questions.

"Did you get paid yet?"

Bitch. I just started working today...

----------


## GunnyHighway

> Hey guys, I'm still around but not doing well... Just wanted to let you know I'm still alive LOL. Things just aren't good right now. Roman is doing what he can and I am so fortunate to have him, but other stuff... Mostly medical stuff. It's not even my mental health anymore. I'll keep you guys updated :/



Good to hear you're still alive. Keep on keepin on.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> I'll keep you guys updated :/



Please do.  :Hug:

----------


## QuietCalamity

Car dealerships. I was going to stop at a place after work and was anxious all day about it. Then when I called the sales guy said some lady was talking to her bank about financing for it but if I gave him my number he'd call if anything changed. I said I would rather not give him my number. He said, "Well I already have it."  ::@:  I bet he's going to call tomorrow with .~*great news*~. Ugh.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

This total lack of energy is going to be a problem. I hardly want to drag myself up a flight of stairs. I suppose it's time to try more supplements. I just expect everything to fail me, but it couldn't hurt to try. This slowed down, underwater feeling when I'm *totally rested* is not going to fly when I have to get up at the asscrack of dawn.

----------


## Koalafan

> This total lack of energy is going to be a problem. I hardly want to drag myself up a flight of stairs. I suppose it's time to try more supplements. I just expect everything to fail me, but it couldn't hurt to try. This slowed down, underwater feeling when I'm *totally rested* is not going to fly when I have to get up at the asscrack of dawn.



*shares my coffee with Illusion!*  :Hyper:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Hey guys, I'm still around but not doing well... Just wanted to let you know I'm still alive LOL. Things just aren't good right now. Roman is doing what he can and I am so fortunate to have him, but other stuff... Mostly medical stuff. It's not even my mental health anymore. I'll keep you guys updated :/



Hang in there, Keddy.  :Hug: 




> *shares my coffee with Illusion!*



That would be fantastic! xD
I've been choking down gross orange pekoe tea and it literally makes me queasy. Anything for that teensy amount of caffeine >.<. Coffee is first on my to-buy list.

----------


## Chantellabella

I brought food to a homeless shelter 30 minutes ago. We had a lot of food left over after our Sat program. 

While waiting for someone in the front office I saw a little girl about 5 or 6 years old waiting with her mother. The little girl had such a blank stare on her face. Her eyes were just lifeless. 

It took me back to when I was homeless. I know that look.  ::(: 

My eyes welled up with tears when I got in my car to leave. Then I stuffed the feelings. 

I stuff feelings. I really do.  ::(: 

Now my head hurts.

----------


## Monowheat

> Hey guys, I'm still around but not doing well... Just wanted to let you know I'm still alive LOL. Things just aren't good right now. Roman is doing what he can and I am so fortunate to have him, but other stuff... Mostly medical stuff. It's not even my mental health anymore. I'll keep you guys updated :/



 :Hug:  

Thanks for letting us know. Hope you're feeling better soon.

----------


## Monowheat

> I really want to die. I don't know, that was an awful doctors appointment. I should kill myself and have everyone around me free of my bullshit.



Just saw this.

No, you shouldn't. Death is not the answer. It'll get better, just hang in there!

----------


## Hexagon

> Just saw this.
> 
> No, you shouldn't. Death is not the answer. It'll get better, just hang in there!



Thanks. I feel better today, at the very least.

----------


## Koalafan

> Hang in there, Keddy. 
> 
> That would be fantastic! xD
> I've been choking down gross orange pekoe tea and it literally makes me queasy. Anything for that teensy amount of caffeine >.<. Coffee is first on my to-buy list.



This sounds like an emergency! I have coffee coming to you via heilcopter!  ::  haha

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> This sounds like an emergency! I have coffee coming to you via heilcopter!  haha



This right here. This is why we're friends. xD

----------


## Koalafan

> This right here. This is why we're friends. xD



Aww and this why you're my canadian coffee buddy!  ::D:   :sparkles:

----------


## QuietCalamity

200mg of Norco has not even touched my abdominal pain... And it's all from eating a banana. Whyyyy???

----------


## GunnyHighway

1 order of death please. Right now.  :Mega Shock: 

I really shouldn't exist anymore...wasting air and food and space. I'm sure other people in the world need it more than me.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> 1 order of death please. Right now. 
> 
> I really shouldn't exist anymore...wasting air and food and space. I'm sure other people in the world need it more than me.



Sorry, fresh out of death... All I have is meager words of support. I'm really sorry you're feeling that way. You deserve so much more than air, food, and space.  :Hug:

----------


## Chloe

I had a really vivid dream about cheating on my boyfriend. I've never had one before and it's at a time where I'm not too happy with him. I knew in the dream I was with Matty but I did it anyway. I don't know if I should tell him or dismiss the dream (I've always considered them as having some important message implanted in them). My grandad is in hospital again and despite me pointing out positive things medically and his good spirits to my dad I know were loosing him slowly and have been the past few years. The college course I've been going to do emailed me yesterday and despite me being told I'm eligible and it'll be free because of my age the email now tells me I'm not eligible and I won't be unless I'm employed, loose some of my already gained qualifications and become one year older a month ago  ::\:  this is as well as me and a girl butting heads at work and me being at the end of my teather with it and finding out yesterday I'm not actually pregnant which I know I should be happy about it also saddens me because I want a child. I couldn't care for one or be ready for one but I want a child. So a lot of fun crap in total  ::(:

----------


## QuietCalamity

I have hardly gotten any sleep this week. On my 3rd cup of coffee and I'm still so tired I feel like I'm going to die.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Sorry, fresh out of death... All I have is meager words of support. I'm really sorry you're feeling that way. You deserve so much more than air, food, and space.



Quoted for truth.  :Hug: 

--

Today would be a good day to go to the mall and get some school stuff, but my stomach is too upset. I just feel like I'm wasting my day, as usual.

----------


## GunnyHighway

> Sorry, fresh out of death... All I have is meager words of support. I'm really sorry you're feeling that way. You deserve so much more than air, food, and space.







> Quoted for truth.



Thanks you two. Had a little bit of an episode last night. Exhaustion and depression are a mean combo. Not being able to drink doesn't help either...

----------


## Air Caterpillar

the one thing I don't like about my job... having to get up at 4:30 am, to get there for 7. *collaspes*
LUCKILY it's only until 2:30 today  ::):

----------


## Nightingale

I'm 30 lbs over my normal weight, and everything about it bothers me. How I feel, how I look, what to wear, going out to run errands - I don't want anyone who knows me to see me..I basically feel like I'm wearing my trauma like a fat suit. I worked extremely hard to lose 60 lbs after my birthing years, and I'm beyond disappointed that I've gained so much of it back. (47 total regained, lost 15 back in April). Diets are just so hard for me now. I can't even remember how I stayed slim before. 

Getting back into freestyle swimming. I want to, for a million reasons, but the anxiety. Swimming with anxiety is pretty much how I envision drowning to be. I've tried it a few times over the last year, and it's not at all as enjoyable as it used to be. I know it's because of my anxiety. I used to be able to take half a xanax to swim, and that helped tons. But I'm off xanax now, and just want to swim again. 

Something's eating at my husband. The last several nights I've made a huge attempt to cook a nice meal, have a nice quiet evening with our children before everyone heads off to work again the next morning (we have 3 teenagers). Every night this week, he's slammed beer after beer, become annoyingly loud and obnoxious, doesn't eat, and then goes to sleep by 8 p.m. I watch my teenagers drift downstairs to the family room, and then find myself sitting alone, annoyed, upset, let down, and surrounded by a shitload of leftovers that need to be put up. He's either stressed about being on call last week, stressed about his company buy-out and our move back home, or passive-agressively taking it out on me that we haven't been intimate in awhile. Which he has a tendency to do. 

I know that this belongs on the other thread, so I won't say too much. But he knows I suffered serious concerns I would be raped, I still suffer serious body issues - not only due to the weight I've gained - but due to the harassment, and frankly I have intimacy issues with him for his two affairs. Even though we've worked through them, I still take issue with the fact that they happened. I stopped the second one from becoming a physical affair, but it really doesn't make it any better. 

So that's me currently. Bleh.

----------


## L

> I'm 30 lbs over my normal weight, and everything about it bothers me. How I feel, how I look, what to wear, going out to run errands - I don't want anyone who knows me to see me..I basically feel like I'm wearing my trauma like a fat suit. I worked extremely hard to lose 60 lbs after my birthing years, and I'm beyond disappointed that I've gained so much of it back. (47 total regained, lost 15 back in April). Diets are just so hard for me now. I can't even remember how I stayed slim before. 
> 
> Getting back into freestyle swimming. I want to, for a million reasons, but the anxiety. Swimming with anxiety is pretty much how I envision drowning to be. I've tried it a few times over the last year, and it's not at all as enjoyable as it used to be. I know it's because of my anxiety. I used to be able to take half a xanax to swim, and that helped tons. But I'm off xanax now, and just want to swim again. 
> 
> Something's eating at my husband. The last several nights I've made a huge attempt to cook a nice meal, have a nice quiet evening with our children before everyone heads off to work again the next morning (we have 3 teenagers). Every night this week, he's slammed beer after beer, become annoyingly loud and obnoxious, doesn't eat, and then goes to sleep by 8 p.m. I watch my teenagers drift downstairs to the family room, and then find myself sitting alone, annoyed, upset, let down, and surrounded by a shitload of leftovers that need to be put up. He's either stressed about being on call last week, stressed about his company buy-out and our move back home, or passive-agressively taking it out on me that we haven't been intimate in awhile. Which he has a tendency to do. 
> 
> I know that this belongs on the other thread, so I won't say too much. But he knows I suffered serious concerns I would be raped, I still suffer serious body issues - not only due to the weight I've gained - but due to the harassment, and frankly I have intimacy issues with him for his two affairs. Even though we've worked through them, I still take issue with the fact that they happened. I stopped the second one from becoming a physical affair, but it really doesn't make it any better. 
> 
> So that's me currently. Bleh.



Hugs - it sounds like a lot is happening at the moment - have you tried talk with your husband to see why he is distant the last while?

----------


## Nightingale

I did talk with him today, and he told me nothing major is wrong. He said he is a little anxious about our impending move, but otherwise says he's  fine. I don't really believe him for some reason. But, recently I confessed that he scared me one night (by accident on his part - I just took it wrong) and so I don't think he's telling me the truth for that reason. 

 ::(:

----------


## L

At 24 it is not good that I have to lie to my parents in order to keep them happy, it stops them asking silly questions. Also I am not sure my boyfriend is happy I got this job  ::(:

----------


## L

about two months ago I asked mum if she want to go on a trip with me at the start of September she didn't really answer now just just told me she is going away with my dad on those dates as she feels the need to get away WTF.

----------


## QuietCalamity

I've officially gone an entire work week on 7 hours of sleep total. I'm so tired I want to throw up.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Don't feel like working out.. I actually don't feel like doing anything at all, but I know that doing nothing will make me feel even more miserable. So I'll just put on my sports clothes and drag my [BEEP] to the gym.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I don't know what to do with myself. Which usually means I need to just call it a night before my mood worsens. Consciousness gets to a point where it's too much to handle sometimes. The hurt, depression, and anxiety won't let up. And you'd think it would be enough for me to know that it's all just self-defeating bullshit, like I could somehow snap out of it knowing how useless it is. But I guess if that's how psychological issues worked, this site would be a ghost town.

----------


## Monowheat

I'm trying not to fall into the trap of comparing my recovery to others. 

I convinced a friend to see a counsellor and I'm glad to hear it's going well, but I can't help asking myself, "Why aren't mine going so well?" I also did mention it in conversation as it's a common trap and probably upset her about her own progress. Balls.

----------


## Koalafan

You know what's really fun? Working concession stands at a a movie theatre during an INSANE rush and being told that the co2 in the soda/slushie machines are leaking and having to tell each...fucking...customer that we can't serve them ANY soda or slushies. Oh what a beautiful day that was  :Tongue:

----------


## SmileyFace

this moving thing is so annoying...

----------


## Harpuia

3 1/2 weeks before I go back to work and nervous about what others will think when I get there...

----------


## GunnyHighway

Have you ever seen anything this sad?

----------


## Keddy

> Have you ever seen anything this sad?



Oh my goodness  ::(:  I just wanna give the little guy a big hug and tell him it's OK. Poor kitty. No, I haven't ever seen anything that sad.

----------


## Keddy

My mother is so mean. She knows she's not supposed to contact me. She disowned me for God's sakes.
But she called today and told me she's not going to pay for me to go to college anymore, so now Roman's parents are offering to pay for it. I know they can afford it, but it breaks my heart that they have to do it. I wish I had enough money to pay for it myself.
The consequences of me dropping out of school would be too severe for me to not agree for them to pay, and they're fine with it and they've been nothing but wonderful to me, but I feel so bad  ::(:  They're already paying my medical bills and my therapist :/
My mom sucks. Plain and simple. Wins the awards for Terrible Person of the Year and World's Most Selfish, hands down.

----------


## Nightingale

A second attorney for the other woman involved in my case was disqualified. She's now scrambling, for the second time, to find another attorney who will pick up her case in federal court. She says she wants to quit, that she can't take it anymore. I don't want her to quit, because - 

Because a lot of reasons.

----------


## L

Today is going to be an awkward filled day....

----------


## Borophyll

Went to my first SA meetup, was the only one who really didn't talk. Everyone was so well spoken while I stay shut, mind goes blank. Sucks.

----------


## Keddy

I hate people. People always find ways to make me want to kill myself. I'm sick and tired of having my feelings hurt.
I know I'm incredibly sensitive, but I just hate rudeness. I can't deal with it. Seriously, if someone doesn't have something nice to say, don't fuckin' say it. The reason the world is such a mess is because everyone insists on treating each other like garbage.

----------


## Nightingale

I really need this right now but if I get started, I won't ever shut up.

----------


## Koalafan

I really hate myself today

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Bah. My diet is so horrible lately. Living here makes it impossible to implement any sort of diet restrictions. I can_ kinda sorta_ do it, but then why bother at all? I'm not a picky eater and am quite content eating things that don't upset my stomach and are good for me yada yada, but if there just so happens to also be a cheesecake in the house I am going to shovel it into my face hole until I hate myself.

Body issues, yay!

----------


## Monowheat

I'm trying to figure out if I should apply for a particular job. Even with the increased hours and responsibility I've recently been given I'm still super broke and stuck. The only way to progress in my current job is if someone leaves (which is what happened recently) which really isn't reliable.

But if I get offered another job I feel like I'll be kicking my boss in the face (proverbially) for giving me this chance. I know she'd understand, she knows I'm broke and in debt and would offer me more hours if she could but it would still be cruel of me to leave now.

But this job is with a bigger company, had more progression options and is a 30 hour contract. There are also loads of good benefits in working for them.

Most of all. It's in a PET STORE. With my partial degree in zoology and currently studying animal psychology how could I say no to something so perfect? Well it's not perfect, I'll have travel issues because of its location.

Argh! *headdesks*

 :anyone:

----------


## Nightingale

After an emotionally up and down weekend which bled into Monday, my energy level has plummeted again. 

I was enjoying a nice surge of energy and well-being, but I'm obviously not doing well enough that I can let things roll yet without affecting me. My therapist told me yesterday I needed to refocus on my basic needs in the face of crisis. I'm kinda like, duh... Another headache again today, too. 

I'm not up for feeling like this today.  ::

----------


## Koalafan

Depression hit too hard today

----------


## GunnyHighway

I sometimes wonder to myself, "Why bother making those posts? They're probably all glanced over anyways"

----------


## Hexagon

I don't know why I continue to associate with people who obviously don't care much about me, if at all. Except, they're my only means of socialising. Without them, I have no "friends" to speak to, spend time with. I hope that when uni starts up again, I'll be able to meet some new people in my classes and possibly make new connections, but it feels like a pipe dream.

----------


## Keddy

Worst fucking birthday I've ever had.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> Worst fucking birthday I've ever had.



I'm sorry dude.  ::(:  For what it's worth, happy belated birthday!

----------


## L

House hunting is hard  ::(:

----------


## SmileyFace

Bit of an upset stomach.
Rather anxious about being on my own. Great that I moved out, but wow it's hard turning down invites to hang out where it requires spending money for the first few months  ::(:

----------


## QuietCalamity

My parents just got my little bro a car and now that I found a good car at an excellent price they can't help me out with the down payment like they said they would just 2 weeks ago. I'm the one with a real job! I'm the one who pays my own bills and supports myself! I'm the one who actually NEEDS a car. But why would I be a priority? My parents don't do anything out of love, only out of personal convenience.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I'm so scared with all that's going to happen in the next few weeks.

All the disapproval and judgment I'm getting is also difficult to deal with, in my insecurity. I can see that there isn't going to be any external validation in what I do anymore.

----------


## Koalafan

> I'm so scared with all that's going to happen in the next few weeks.
> 
> All the disapproval and judgment I'm getting is also difficult to deal with, in my insecurity. I can see that there isn't going to be any external validation in what I do anymore.



Hey! If you have koalas on your side you can deal with anything thrown your way!  ::D:   :koala:   :Hug: 

Now for what's bothering me is my work. Two of corworkers decided to not show up for their closing shifts and guess who was one of the lucky ones who got to cover it? Blah  :Tongue:  So work was fun with being two people during an insanely busy today (working at concession) thankfully someone else stepped in for the other shift too, but still! Dear god my coworkers can be frustrating.

----------


## GunnyHighway

So my little bit of recurring pain has become a full blown scare. 15 minutes ago I woke up due to it and got up to get a cup of water. Upon grabbing my cup out of the cabinets and water jug out of the fridge, I basically lost consciousness. Felt like a big rush of stress came to my brain and then all of a sudden I can't see anything and I'm falling backwards. Managed to smack into a wall and fall even further into the living room but I never let go of the water jug or cup, keeping them upright for the most part. 

I wish I knew what the [BEEP] this was or what is causing it. It's really starting to get scary.

----------


## L

> So my little bit of recurring pain has become a full blown scare. 15 minutes ago I woke up due to it and got up to get a cup of water. Upon grabbing my cup out of the cabinets and water jug out of the fridge, I basically lost consciousness. Felt like a big rush of stress came to my brain and then all of a sudden I can't see anything and I'm falling backwards. Managed to smack into a wall and fall even further into the living room but I never let go of the water jug or cup, keeping them upright for the most part. 
> 
> I wish I knew what the [BEEP] this was or what is causing it. It's really starting to get scary.



That doesn't sounds like fun - are you getting checked out? Low blood pressure?

----------


## Koalafan

Crippling anxiety this morning. Is there anyway to possibly be medicated for the rest of my life? That would be awesome

----------


## QuietCalamity

> Crippling anxiety this morning. Is there anyway to possibly be medicated for the rest of my life? That would be awesome



*shares Xanax*

----------


## SmileyFace

Weekend already ending  ::(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

School preparation. I have neverending questions about everything every step of the way, and nobody to answer them for me. They throw this [BEEP] at you like, "here ya go, enjoy figuring this all out on your own with zero guidance!" As if my anxiety wasn't already through the roof.

----------


## GunnyHighway

> That doesn't sounds like fun - are you getting checked out? Low blood pressure?



0/10 fun, would not do again. I would almost pin it as a bit of a seizure, I think my eyes rolled back which would explain why I couldn't see a damn thing. It was only about 5 seconds for the whole ordeal. I think if anything for the blood pressure it would be high since I used to weigh 70 pounds more than I do now. All them cholesterols and sugars and fats clogging up my veins.

I probably should have it checked out. It's just really discouraging to go through tests and waste time off work (which I have no sick time for) for them to go, "Oh, looks like nothing's wrong." I got x-rays and and ultrasound done for this pain I had before and not a single doctor saw anything. That was a few years ago though and I never had anything like this happen before.

----------


## Chantellabella

Yeah, something yesterday. Not sure if I resolved it. I feel pretty angry about it. 

It's very hard having to deal with someone almost everyday who is negative, complaining, bossy and demanding. It grates on my nerves and I don't want to be around it longer than I have to.

That's why I cancelled going out with the people from work yesterday. I like most of them, but some of them are so toxic.  I'm going to have to talk to this one person about her attitude when talking to me. It's disrespectful and I'm really tired of it. 

At least it motivated me to go visit a church this morning. 

I need to find people outside of work. Nice people. Positive people. People who I can call a friend.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> It's just really discouraging to go through tests and waste time off work (which I have no sick time for) for them to go, "Oh, looks like nothing's wrong."



I feel you. I've been having bad stomach pain, nausea, and bloating after I eat certain foods for like 2 months now, and every doctor I see treats me like an idiot. My primary thought it was gallstones but he didn't even call me back like he said he would when my blood test came back normal. Then I went to a different doc who did schedule an ultrasound (normal of course) and I even went to the ER once because the pain was so bad it scared me. The CT scan was also normal. Then I go back to my back doctor who prescribed me fucking antacids and told me to come back in a week. I'd rather just deal than keep missing work and putting up with those people too.

----------


## Rawr

I've been told that I give off awful looks all the time & I don't mean to. Apparently it's pissing some people off & I honestly don't know how to stop it. That's just my face. Like literally.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I missed _one_ appointment and now the travel clinic is so busy ALL my four TB appointments are going to interfere with school. I swear all I ever do is make things harder for myself. I hate myself so much. This may even affect me getting into the course.

----------


## QuietCalamity

Still frustrated over the car situation. I'm proud of myself for financing a car all by myself, but still upset with my dad. I told him about it and his response was, "well congratulations I guess." Then he texted Tim to give a bunch of (lame, transparent) excuses for why he backed out and then asked if I was mad at him. Shouldn't he be asking me that? I would love to have a conversation with him about why it pisses me off that he is so full if bullshit, but then again I know it wouldn't go well because he is a child.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Money. 

I need to fix the rifle that I' haven't even fired once. Need to spend money to do it, but I am basically broke until November.

----------


## Chloe

had a really bad nightmare last night, and the night before i had a bad panic attack and matty really struggled to bring me round after i passed out and had to get me changed into my pj's while i remained '3/4 passed out'

----------


## Chantellabella

Yes..................

victimization. 

I am annoyed that I keep falling into that trap. 

I am not a victim when I don't let it happen.

I am no longer a child. 

I now have power to fight it.

----------


## Total Eclipse

stupid stomach ache =/

----------


## Chantellabella

My ex-husband is an idiot.

He is STILL trying to turn my kids against me. 

They just think he's pathetic and sad. 

But he's doing it in front of my grandson who is 8. What the hell lies will he tell him when he's 12 or 13? 

He literally told my daughter that I stopped loving my sons when they became teenagers. WTF??!!! My youngest son must have told him about the conversation he and I had about a year ago. I told my son that I noticed that I pulled back emotionally when he and his brother became teens because I saw them get in interest in porn like their father and with my past abuse from my brothers and father, felt afraid. So I then apologized to my sons for doing that. They were fine and understood.

Unfortunately my ex can manipulate my youngest to tell him everything. So now the idiot ex is trying to say I stopped loving them?? Really? And he's telling my daughter "But how can you like your mother. Don't you remember she's crazy?" 

Hello??? Who the hell made me crazy. He did when I was married to him. And I wasn't crazy. You told people I was crazy. Grrrr!!!! 

*ok. Deep breath. la la la whatever. la la la oh well. la la la it doesn't matter. la la la. Tonight. Tonight. Party on the rooftop top of the world. Tonight tonight. Dancing on the edge of the Hollywood sign.*

Ok. I feel better. The only way he can try to get to me now is through my kids. Luckily they see what he's doing and get angry with him for never letting it go. My daughter said that it was like a button being pushed. He asked her why I had moved away and she told him for a better job. And then when she told him I was happy in my new home, she said it just triggered him like the exorcist. 

Too bad.............so sad................for him.  ::): 

That's right!! Get even. Get freakin happy! It drives your bullies crazy.  ::):

----------


## Total Eclipse

Trying to make important phone calls with a migraine (yet to be relieved by medication) is both exhausting and nauseating.

----------


## L

I'm so anxious right now, my car is being tested and i just know something will be wrong with it

----------


## QuietCalamity

Um that I suck at everything and I am totally not equipped for this job.  :hit wall:  ::

----------


## SmileyFace

Wasted $7 on a mcdonald's combo. The fries are decent... but this chicken bacon clubhouse sandwich i got was gross..

----------


## GunnyHighway

My soon-to-be aunt sent me a text today asking if I was bringing a guest to the wedding. Who I told her no she answered with, "Okay..." I can't see why they'd expect me to have a significant other since they know I don't even have friends  :confused:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Today was not my day in just about every way imaginable. But for that, there's booze! I'm supposed to be enjoying these last few days before the [BEEP] hits the fan anyway.

----------


## Koalafan

> Today was not my day in just about every way imaginable. But for that,* there's booze*! I'm supposed to be enjoying these last few days before the [BEEP] hits the fan anyway.



The cause too, and solution too all of lifes problems!  ::   ::D:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> The cause too, and solution too all of lifes problems!



It's true. My day is so much better now. The amount of fucks I don't give right now is hard to comprehend.  :: 

Cheers!

----------


## SmileyFace

Friends' bitterness annoying me.

----------


## Misssy

> My soon-to-be aunt sent me a text today asking if I was bringing a guest to the wedding. Who I told her no she answered with, "Okay..." I can't see why they'd expect me to have a significant other since they know I don't even have friends



Probably formality because  they have to calculate number of tables, number of chairs, number of plates etc. Weddings are shrouded in weird rules and etiquette and politeness and little baggies of candies and over embellished cards. Just dress nice, and smile your way through it, nothing else is expected from you.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I've been in a similar situation, taking a course after a long period of social isolation. For me it turned out surprisingly well and it's been the best period of my adult life, especially friends-wise. Those previous years I got so used to what depression feels like, so just feeling neutral made me happy.
> 
> I can imagine how nervous you must be now. But, despite the anxiety, just try to be yourself like you're here on the forum. No doubt that practically everyone will love your humorous personality.  
> Good luck and try to approach it with a positive mindset. I think that helped me the most.



Mostly I'm trying not to think about it, because no matter what I imagine it will be like (good situation or bad) I will be wrong since obviously it's just something my mind came up with. So I can't allow myself to think about it. I would be let down regardless. If that makes any sense. As much as I'd like to, because this isn't a situation where I get to prepare myself mentally ahead of time. I've got nothing to compare it to and so I have no idea what to expect. It kills me that there's nothing I can do about the anticipatory anxiety. 

Thanks for the kind words  ::): . I hope I find people I can be myself around, or at least feel comfortable enough to be myself in the first place. Anyway, it's always good to hear from somebody who went through something similar, and I'm glad your experience was positive. It gives me a little bit of hope for mine.

----------


## L

I want to celebrate but no one to celebrate with...

----------


## L

My boyfriend never contacted me today and I feel lonely. Going to try and sleep it off

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Have you checked if there's a Facebook page of your course? It eased my mind a lot when I found a fb page that was created to ask questions, you could also see a list with people who would attend the course. I memorized all their names, so that was one less worry!



We don't have anything like that, unfortunately. Besides, I deactivated my FB last year and would very much like for it to stay that way. I'm bad with remembering names, so I probably would have done the same thing you did. I saw my classmates at orientation a couple months ago, but I didn't get to learn any of their names because I'm awkward and probably don't belong on planet Earth with the amount of social skills I lack. >.<
If aliens ever visit us, I could probably talk to them no problem.  ::

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I'm so sick of being uncomfortable in social situations. I feel like my quality of life can only reach around 50% of its potential.



This is how I felt today. Unexpected lunch date to discuss wedding-related stuff. I feel like I would have been able to "fake it" more had there not been someone there to know how much I was bullshitting my way through the conversation.

----------


## SmileyFace

Kinda wasted my time driving to parents' house. They wanted me to come visit and sleep over, but now mom's acting all weird about it questioning why I'm sleeping here tonight. So I'll just... go to my BF's.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I'm having wedding related botherings myself. 

I was planning on going to Winner's today to grab a shirt and tie...but in all honesty I have no idea what I'm doing. It's a formal event, so I should probably get a suit. Problem is suits are *not* cheap by any means, even at the lowest end. It's not like I'm a groomsman or something though. I'm merely going as a guest, and will have to move around to take pictures as my soon to be aunt asked me to work alongside the pro photographer. That means that maybe a suit is too much and will hinder me.


Ugh. What do I do? I'm thinking of giving up and hitting a middle ground, like a dress shirt and a sport coat.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I think it's more that the pro treats the wedding as the bride's big day. She wants me to focus on my uncle since those pictures will probably be lacking. I've taken a bunch of dog pictures for her, she knows I have the gear to handle the job. Skill, on the other hand, is another question. Never done anything like this before. I'm not a fan of snapping pictures of people.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I'm already looking forward to the photo you'll post here as a bridesmaid  I'll see if I can find one from when I was a bridesboy to start this forum tradition.



Haha, I'm going to post that, am I? Heh...bridesboy.  ::D: 




> I'm having wedding related botherings myself. 
> 
> I was planning on going to Winner's today to grab a shirt and tie...but in all honesty I have no idea what I'm doing. It's a formal event, so I should probably get a suit. Problem is suits are *not* cheap by any means, even at the lowest end. It's not like I'm a groomsman or something though. I'm merely going as a guest, and will have to move around to take pictures as my soon to be aunt asked me to work alongside the pro photographer. That means that maybe a suit is too much and will hinder me.
> 
> 
> Ugh. What do I do? I'm thinking of giving up and hitting a middle ground, like a dress shirt and a sport coat.



Wish I had some words of wisdom for ya, but I'm all out at the moment. I have to look for wedding shoes today. That should be thrilling.  :kooky:

----------


## GunnyHighway

Can't sleep...roommates have friends over, laughing and yelling, at 11pm. I have work tomorrow and my yearly review. I can't afford to be sleepy.

----------


## compulsive

Im sorry there is no cure. Deep downi knew it even before i had evidence. The evidence of the failure of drugs to work has just made it more clear to me.ive now tired everyhing and nothing has worked. When i expected to admt myself an ignorant fool for not believing. I  had finally dine what i said i would not and it failed again again and again. Oh the irony. And so i cannot spell because i cant see the screen in myphone.

----------


## Skippy

> Im sorry there is no cure. Deep downi knew it even before i had evidence. The evidence of the failure of drugs to work has just made it more clear to me.ive now tired everyhing and nothing has worked. When i expected to admt myself an ignorant fool for not believing. I  had finally dine what i said i would not and it failed again again and again. Oh the irony. And so i cannot spell because i cant see the screen in myphone.



I know it may be hard to, but please don't stop believing ya can get better. A positive mindset has a huge impact, maybe even moreso than drugs that i hear don't really seem to help people much anyway save for masking stuff.

----------


## L

Driving test tomorrow

----------


## L

I might have shingles

----------


## SmileyFace

*sigh* my parents being a pain in the [BEEP] again, constantly demanding money... claiming I owe them $$$ for giving birth to me and raising me.

I didn't ask to be born. Jesus...

----------


## toaster little

> *sigh* my parents being a pain in the [BEEP] again, constantly demanding money... claiming I owe them $$$ for giving birth to me and raising me.
> 
> I didn't ask to be born. Jesus...



They shouldn't be asking for money when you don't live there anymore.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I just wanna watch anime on my PS4. Every update Sony pushes out, they break something new with Plex. Right now it memory leaks until system failure when I try to enable English subtitles. 

This would not be a problem if Sony didn't remove media playback from their system. Considering the PS3 had it, I thought it would be safe to assume the same for PS4. Boy was I wrong. Been a fight to use my PS4 for the main purpose I bought it for.

----------


## QuietCalamity

Is it normal to want to kill yourself after every mistake? UHHGGGHH ::

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Huge workload. Tests every week. Doubting my ability to adapt and succeed.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Bloody hell Kal Tire. Go in for an oil change appointment on a work vehicle at 1:30. Quoted ETA is 3:00, so my boss told me to just stay nearby and wander the mall until it's done. Go in at 3:30 after hearing nothing from them and wait another 30 minutes for them to clear out the pile of customers waiting around for help. 


Yeah...well..they completely forgot to finish my car. It was sitting jacked up with 2 tires missing since our vehicles also apparently get their wheels rotated and aligned during oil changes.

----------


## SmileyFace

> They shouldn't be asking for money when you don't live there anymore.



At first, I was thinking "Wow, they're pretty nice and understanding now that I've moved out."

But I spoke too soon. I guess it was all a ploy to get on my good side so I can give them $$$ and a house. Now they're back to going on and on about how I must give them hundreds or thousands of dollars + a nice home because they brought me into this world and raised me.

Isn't that what parenting is?! I DON'T GET IT.

Now I'm back to wanting to cut all contact.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> At first, I was thinking "Wow, they're pretty nice and understanding now that I've moved out."
> 
> 
> But I spoke too soon. I guess it was all a ploy to get on my good side so I can give them $$$ and a house. Now they're back to going on and on about how I must give them hundreds or thousands of dollars + a nice home because they brought me into this world and raised me.
> 
> 
> Isn't that what parenting is?! I DON'T GET IT.
> 
> 
> Now I'm back to wanting to cut all contact.




They sound toxic. :# Maybe cutting off contact (even if just for a few months) would teach them that you are a separate person from them.

----------


## QuietCalamity

Hospital bills. I just paid one, now I got another for a ridiculous amount. Why does my insurance card say $100 copay, the insurance explanation say $150 copay, and what my insurance says I owe for each category is different from the bills I'm getting? The numbers on the "explanation" don't add up anywhere!!! When I go for an office visit the copay is $20 and I pay $20. Why is the ER so different??

----------


## SmileyFace

Separation anxiety with boyfriend. I hate it. I love that we've been getting closer and closer each day, it's a beautiful thing. But lordy, I wanna be with him all the time just as much lol

----------


## L

> Separation anxiety with boyfriend. I hate it. I love that we've been getting closer and closer each day, it's a beautiful thing. But lordy, I wanna be with him all the time just as much lol



I find the worst is at night sleeping on my own, I love being wrapped in my boyfriends arms

----------


## SmileyFace

> I find the worst is at night sleeping on my own, I love being wrapped in my boyfriends arms



Yep. Something so amazing and beautiful waking up next to your significant other. We never got to do that all these years until we each got our own place recently. Everything feels so calm just laying there in the early morning with him.

And then when I'm about to go home, we sit and [BEEP] about how the next day we have to go to work lolll

----------


## Chantellabella

I miss my feelings.

----------


## Chantellabella

Oh wait. There's one......................I feel like killing people who push my buttons. Like now.

----------


## L

I have my driving test in a few hours...trying to breath through the anxiety

----------


## Kirsebaer

hating my body.. feeling ugly... why is it so hard to lose weight?  ::(:

----------


## Skippy

.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Self harm thoughts. Welcome back old friend.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> Self harm thoughts. Welcome back old friend.



I know how tough those can be.  :Hug:

----------


## QuietCalamity

My supervisor saw me in the office hallway and reminded me to smile. Do I really have to have a big fake smile all day every day, just for the sake of my coworkers? Is that really part of my job? When rando guys tell me to smile on the street, I tell them I'll smile when they die in a fire. I do not like being told to smile when I don't fucking feel like it!!

----------


## L

I feel like giving up on house hunting....it is far too hard!!!

----------


## QuietCalamity

My medical bills are up to almost $1000. And all I got out of it was a handful anxiety attacks, many lost hours, and zero answers. What a deal... If I had known my mom's insurance covered basically nothing, I would have stayed home and risked death. Now idk if I can afford grad school. I'm gonna go cry now.

----------


## SmileyFace

anxiety attack about life. constantly scared that I will [BEEP] up as an adult... constantly worried that things will go wrong. I'm pretty much on the verge of tears.

I don't know why I'm so worried and crap. All the things I need and want to do are indeed possible... but I don't know, I'm just always too tired and lack motivation ever since I started working.

----------


## L

I just can't find somewhere to live

----------


## GunnyHighway

I've been stuck here, laying awake in bed. It's been a really long time since this has happened, but I've caught myself thinking about my ex again. I'm happy that I got to experience a few nights of intimacy. However, knowing that's never happening again is a horrible feeling.

I really need to stop watching shows that involve love and stuff. Seems to make my mind race when I've got nothing to occupy myself. Memories suck.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Holy [BEEP] my sister's wedding is two Saturdays from now! How the hell did that happen so quickly? I need shoes. Specific ones. Silver ones with some sort of heel (her preference for the bridesmaids)... :O_O: . Wish she had've told me this months ago and not like...a week ago. I still need a strapless bra, too. I think her bachelorette party is this weekend. What? How? I don't even. I'm not exactly in party mode right now, not that I am ever, but especially not now. She's gonna have to be understanding of my demeanor. This is the most stressful, depressing, anxiety-inducing, soul-consuming thing I've ever taken on (college). I love that she's getting married, I love who she's getting married too, and it's going to be wonderful. And I am going to have to try and be supportive and all that and try to calm her nerves. 

How do you convince someone everything will be okay when you spend every day wondering if you'll fail? This is going to take some impressive acting skills.

----------


## GunnyHighway

The stag for my uncle went terribly and I am pretty sure everyone noticed I was feeling uncomfortable that whole night. (And we didn't even make it to the strip club. *That* would have been anxiety hell) His wedding is on Saturday and before all of that I've gotta deal with seeing my family for the first time in a year. 

Hugs for Illusion, I'm right there alongside you. The bad, the good, the errythang.  :Hug: 


For my immediate bother, I can't sleep again thanks to a racing mind. Training another new guy at work while being the equivalent of a zombie is not fun. Me, another dude I don't know, stuck in a car for 6 hours of the day. Add tired, groggy, crankiness...ugh. Today wasn't bad at all, but I think that was partly due to my XL double double that I devoured during our morning team meeting.

----------


## L

Mum and dad want to take me out for a celebratory meal tonight. I feel sick, not anxiety sick, I feel crampy and bloated. Anyone want to get me paracetamol and a cup of tea?

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Hugs for Illusion, I'm right there alongside you. The bad, the good, the errythang.



 :Hug: 

At least you got yours over with. I so don't want to go to this. I've got too much else to do. I won't be able to enjoy myself and if I drink I obviously can't study so that's a day lost right there. Finally found a place to take my dress in this late. It should be ready for the 22nd. It's almost 8pm here and I'm just sitting down with my books. I should have had four more hours in my day but I had to stay late and get my first TB shot at the campus, and by the time I got home it was 5pm. Then there were hours wasted trying to figure out what to do with my dress. Once again I'll have only one evening to study for a test, because I have assignments to complete tonight, studying can't really happen. I can only stay up so late because I get up at 5 and take sedative meds all day. I need _some_ sleep. 

I want to shoot myself. 

If anyone has a gun, can they please direct me to it because holy fuck. 

I'm never volunteering to be group leader again. The teacher wants me to change some of the stuff I was sent and I don't want people to think that I just felt the need to change their words. :/
And I don't have time think of other [BEEP] to add. NO TIME.

Now I'm just frustrated and can't focus. Yesterday's trainwreck all over again.

----------


## Monowheat

I was accidentally a little rough when we were cutting a matt out of one of the dogs fur, I held his leg too tight and when he wriggled it pulled. He's a bit stiff but not seriously hurt. I feel just awful though and my anxiety has set in.

----------


## L

I’m so in weird I can’t even form the thoughts of what I feel sometimes and it is so frustrating

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

We've got three tests again next week. When I originally heard we would have a test every week, I was like oh, that's...unfortunate. Now all of a sudden we're averaging _three_ a week and I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know when all this studying is supposed to happen. I get next to no sleep. Right now my whole body is sore. Cramps, headache, feet, back, shoulders (think of carrying around a small human on your back all day - that's my book bag). I get home and just want to collapse after bus #3 drops me off. There is no time to catch up, and if you need to use your evenings for anything other than studying, forget it because you'll fall behind.

What I need is a good night's rest and a clear head.

----------


## GunnyHighway

So in my big amount of stress and anxiety of being able to fit nicely into my clothes, I ended up...putting on more weight. I was supposed to lose weight. What the fuck, me. You dumbass.

----------


## Koalafan

> We've got three tests again next week. When I originally heard we would have a test every week, I was like oh, that's...unfortunate. Now all of a sudden we're averaging _three_ a week and I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know when all this studying is supposed to happen. I get next to no sleep. Right now my whole body is sore. Cramps, headache, feet, back, shoulders (think of carrying around a small human on your back all day - that's my book bag). I get home and just want to collapse after bus #3 drops me off. There is no time to catch up, and if you need to use your evenings for anything other than studying, forget it because you'll fall behind.
> 
> What I need is a good night's rest and a clear head.



Hope you get a good night's rest illusion  :Hug:

----------


## Monowheat

It's been a tense morning here anyway and at one point my fiancÃ© asked me what I was reading on my phone. I don't know why but I instantly clammed up, I tried to deflect the question. For some reason my instant reaction was to hide what I was doing.

I was only reading a forum.

What the hell brain?!? Why did you do that?? He got slightly irritated and told me that my reaction "Messed with his trust." Well it would, the last time I was being secretive over my phone it turned into a huge mess!
I can't figure out why I did what I did and it's set of my anxiety big time!

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Hope you get a good night's rest illusion



I did, actually! thanks  :Hug:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Now where I've got a night where I don't have to cram for a test, I feel like a *need* to be enjoying myself. The pressure is on. Can't I ever just let myself relax? Everything's got to be an issue.

----------


## QuietCalamity

I got like nothing done today but it was all stressful. Also DHS is a bitch.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Skipping our 2hr block of computer class didn't buy me any time. It took me that long to get home. Wtf?? And I'm still trying to warm up from earlier. I love colder weather, but I wasn't ready for this. Yesterday while waiting for bus #2 I was sweating. No exaggeration, today felt like _winter_ ffs especially with the crazy wind. I can't get over how cold it is >.<. My second bus is usually a 25min wait. I don't know what I'll do in the winter...I guess just bundle up really well? Being in an unfamiliar city is so scary.  ::(: 
I guess my phone tells me where I am all the time though, so there's that. There's gotta be somewhere close I can go to sit and wait for that bus. I'll do a street map search later and see what I can find. It's just this random street. No shelter, just a pole lol. IT WAS SO COLD. How is that possible after yesterday? I need boots now...guess who doesn't have time to shop for boots? Meeee. Well imma make time. Don't have a proper jacket either. 

My third bus was nearly an hour wait. I don't know if my timing sucked or what but that's the longest I've ever had to wait for that one. Thankfully, there's a place for me to stay warm there. I thought I'd be more awake today. Minimal meds, normal sleep, + coffee. What happened? I was jerked out of a half-asleep state about a dozen times on the way home. Every time I blinked, it felt like my eyelids were glued together. This is starting to feel like the working at the optical lab all over again, except I can't come home from campus and take fucking naps - I need to be awake and focused.

----------


## Harpuia

Sorry I've been gone all.  I've been on a lot of sites trying to make enough money to make some sort of living for the 3 months I have no income before work starts...  ::(:  Yeah, got postponed to Dec. 10

----------


## Otherside

So I gotta get up and go to college tomorrow, and I sort of left it last week after having a panic attack. I'm hoping no one noticed, and it's gonna be awkward.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Getting pulled out of my comfort zone. 

My cousin from Ontario is here and made it his goal to rid me of my stupid virginity. The thought is nice and all, but I'm a piece of [BEEP] who can't handle talking to women. Even when they're served up to me on a silver platter. 

I hate to say it, but I fucking told you so. I told you that nothing good would come out of this. Finally try again, only to get shut down hard. I want to die right now.

----------


## Air Caterpillar

Gonna be taking eight buses today! That's pretty much four hours on the bus/waiting at stops. Friday pls come faster.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Trailing my previous post here, I've gone over the deep end. I feel terrible right now and just broke down crying in front of my family. I'm currently hiding in the bathroom...I don't know what to do with myself.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Just...tests. Too many fucking tests. WAY too many. I can't even enjoy myself for a few hours. All I needed to do was meet some people in the wedding party and I just wanted to bawl my eyes out the whole time thinking of all the time I was wasting and all the sleep I'd lose having to study when I got home to make up for lost time. 

I fucking hate every part of my day now. Why is there a test every second day? You can't teach us something and test us on it two days later. And that one teacher - PLEASE replace her. She is such a bitch. It's clear that she doesn't want to be there, isn't a very big fan of us, and marks too slowly. This course moves far too fast for her to be taking two weeks to give us our test back when everyone else takes two days. Nobody can even ask a question without getting some bitchy response. Can she leave? Clearly she wants to. Thanks!

----------


## QuietCalamity

I made a mistake at work. I have extremely high expectations of myself and I felt horrible that I didn't think to do it right the first time. Then I get SO anxious when I am corrected by someone that I usual cry, which made me feel like an idiot. I really hope no one noticed but I have no idea. 

Then I went shopping for my work party Halloween costume (which no one is probably even going to get) and ended buying more clothes than I could afford, and none of them are what I was shopping for. I just wanted to feel better about myself, but now I feel worse.

----------


## Misssy

I was going to come here and sort of rant about my stupid job but now it has passed and I am just glad my work week is over. Don't really feel like ranting anymore. The rant is mainly about how my own company is the main issue. I have a customer who was having an expensive and large shipment going to her, she ordered it a month ago, when I checked to see how far it had to travel, the travel time is literally one day or less by ground. So I contacted my shipping department and I implored them numerously to facilitate one phone call that would progress the situation. Yet it just didn't flipping happen. I felt like a loser that such a simple thing we could not get our crap together to finish the flipping job. And really I don't have control over it, I'm mainly just there as the customer's punching bag. That is what they pay me for. They don't really expect me to have any power to get anything done. Yah That is it.

Oh, I forgot to mention the travel time is one day or less. 

The customer ordered the stuff almost a month ago now.   That is what we do. That is what we sell for service. And I really have no way to explain it to the customers because I've never met the people who work in our shipping department. They work somewhere in our building but we never go there it is sort of off limits. My job is not about factual explanations, my mind is so boring and simple. I've lost any ability to screw around. 

When customers ask me these questions I want to just be able to tell them the truth.. your stuff is sitting in a warehouse 20 minutes away from the delivery point but it's just sitting there because we don't make phone calls. It's just sitting there because the people who run this company don't pay attention to these things, they are looking at profit pie charts in their dreams at night.  

Oh That reminds me I have chicken soup waiting

----------


## Hexagon

I don't feel necessarily ashamed, but a bit frustrated and upset that I've never been in a relationship before. I have no experience in regards to dating, or even flirting; never have I held anyone's hand before, the last time I received a hug was over a year ago from a 'friend,' never have kissed or cuddled anyone, etc. I know plenty of it is due to my social ineptness and anxiety, and I come across as aloof or maybe too nervous for anyone to want to approach me. But I hate whenever I hear people around me talk about their partners, especially a friend of mine who I've been crushing on, even if slightly, talk about his past relationship(s). Meanwhile, I have nothing. I feel broken because of it, like there's something incredibly wrong with me, even if that isn't the case. Sure, I'm not the most attractive guy, but I can't be completely undesirable.. who knows. I'm just tired of feeling incredibly lonely. Hardly any friends, no relationships to speak of, nobody I can talk to on a personal level. I sometimes wonder I'll ever be with anyone, or have a chance. I'm far too inept for anyone.

----------


## GunnyHighway

> ~snip~ I sometimes wonder I'll ever be with anyone, or have a chance. I'm far too inept for anyone.



 :Hug: 

I'm right there with you. It's a vicious circle of thought that is hard to break out of.

----------


## nikko

I know someone that also cant sleep. It's not easy to deal with. He sleeps when he can so don't fight it if and when it comes. Good luck.

----------


## nikko

having totally crippling anxiety!!! :o:):

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

A variety of things.  :Rain:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I did so much work today and I'm still not caught up.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I've felt insanely alone and depressed since last night. I have literally nobody to talk to right now. My best friend is in Germany so I only ever get to see Facebook updates. People on here seemed to have either disappeared or just dislike talking to me. I guess I just wish someone was as miserable and lonely as me so they'd want to talk because they know how terrible it feels.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I need to set down some rules. Before my roommates moved in I told them that piles of dishes drove me insane, and they assured me they wash their dishes regularly. That was a lie. 90% of my cupboard contents are sitting in/around my sink right now. 

Related, someone left the last roll of toilet paper in the bathroom with 2 sheets on it. That's just wrong on all levels of human decency.

----------


## L

I always feel like a scares child when my parents argue

----------


## Hexagon

I'm so lonely. I can't make friends; people probably think I'm extremely strange because I don't talk much. I think I have an air of trepidation that most people pick up on, because hardly anyone talks to me, nobody even cares to smile or look at me half the time unless it's a glare. I go days without even muttering out a word, and 'friends' are far too absorbed with better people, so I have nobody to talk to.

I feel completely broken.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

The amount of sleep I don't get. It was another one of those don't-blink-or-you'll-fall-asleep bus rides home. Every time I blinked it was like my eyelashes were coated with permanent adhesive. People must really think I'm on something. I can only imagine what it looks like to see someone constantly nodding off and pinching their legs in hopes of not falling asleep. I'm supposed to be studying and all I want to do is sleep. That's it. Sleep for years. Hibernate, even. No second wind tonight, just dead tiredness._ I'm so, so, so sick of forcing myself to stay awake._ I need to get more seep because my current amount doesn't even come close to cutting it.

----------


## QuietCalamity

The moon. I can never sleep well when there is a full moon because it's so light out I wake up in a panic like !!!!! What time is it??? Am I late??? That happened twice last night.

----------


## L

Ah....and I have just decided to hold another dinner party, whenever I do things like this usually no one comes

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Ah....and I have just decided to hold another dinner party, whenever I do things like this usually no one comes



Say wha? They're nutz. Food is what draws me into each in every event I have ever attended, so for that to be the main theme...sign me up!

----------


## Chantellabella

Gossiping people. Bullshit.
People who are constantly in a foul mood toward me and then when I call them down on it, they give some lame excuse which I guess in their mind makes it ok? Bullshit. 
People who ask, "What's wrong?" and then when I'm stupid enough to tell them, they say, "Get over it." Bullshit.

----------


## Misssy

I want to post a venting complaint about my family but I am too tired to write it out. I just don't feel like it but I was talking to myself on my way home from work having the complaint rolling around in my head.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Feeling exhausted. Today is my first calm day (as in, I don't have to run errands) after several weeks and it feels like all the built up tiredness/tension has just decided to kick in.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I wish I had a reason to be depressed right now. I just don't. I'm fucking tired and sad and my body aches. There's no reason for any of it.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Maybe the reason is partly because of my roommates. Today is the day I snap. Not once in their 2-3 months they've been here have they cleaned the bathroom. They have never taken out the garbage. They have ONCE cleaned the kitchen. They spill buckets of water and leave it for me to step in and let sticky messes fester and harden inside the fridge so the door is stuck shut. I wake up to piles of fucking dishes in the sink and have to wash some so I can make breakfast and eat because there's no clean forks or plates left. 

[BEEP] this all. I'm pulling all of my stuff out of the kitchen and locking them in my room. You two lazy fucks can fucking buy and use your own shit.

----------


## Skippy

.

----------


## sanspants

> As of this week, and especially this morning, I feel like my health has all but quit on me so perhaps my recovery ain't goin so well. A once happy and cheerful person, I've been (with the exception of some great times here at least) really ill, quite short fused, mean and miserable since the accident and the resulting complications. Now tho it feels I'm about all outta strength.
>  I know Lily will prolly be very upset at me that I didn't go to BC for the wedding, but right now I just don't have the energy to travel; can't even get back home to Alberta.
> At this point tho I'm ready to accept it if I don't get better.



Ouch. What sort of injuries did you sustain? Mine are chronic, but the issue on my mind is sort of similar: 

I was cut off from pain meds, due to my doctor getting nervous about new state guidelines, about a month ago. I've been cutting all the pills in half, and there are enough to last me through next month yet, but after that I'll have to either rearrange my life and become a health nut to "make my own natural pain-relievers," or just accept that I can't function well and tread water indefinitely.

----------


## Skippy

> Ouch. What sort of injuries did you sustain? Mine are chronic, but the issue on my mind is sort of similar: 
> 
> I was cut off from pain meds, due to my doctor getting nervous about new state guidelines, about a month ago. I've been cutting all the pills in half, and there are enough to last me through next month yet, but after that I'll have to either rearrange my life and become a health nut to "make my own natural pain-relievers," or just accept that I can't function well and tread water indefinitely.



Well, I set off thru USA on my way to Toronto here. I've met many online friends in person to fun results, so was gonna hang with a buncha friends from USA on my way. Ended up getting hit at 70 mph on the hiway in a major accident they said was a miracle I even survived. After my hospitlization I just took a plane to Toronto and finished off the end of my planned vacation at least cuz I reaaaaally needed to get away for awhile.

I took a serious head injury, and a brain injury called "Diffuse Axonal Injury" resulted. Since then I haven't quite been the same even tho my recovery has been quite remarkable. (I went from being in a coma, lights out no one home to being conscious yet....not very functional in a very short time) Ive been told by people close to me that my personality is different tho I don't really see that much except for the irritability part.
I do know I've been not the easiest to deal with since but eh what can I do....

I dunno why but it seems to be getting much worse and having complications n' such. Strange periods of depression and irritability as well when I'm normally quite the chipper sorta guy. They did say it takes about a year to recover, and I have rehab appointments set up for when I get back.
I wonder if it's because I haven't taken it easy for a moment since leaving the hospital. 

I guess I should really be careful from this point. I just been resting now and practicing my guitar, autoharp n' singin' to pass some fun time.

I'm gonna try my best to get better and not be such an asshole as I've been since.....cuz that's just not me. =/

I'm sorry to hear ya goin' thru chronic injury/pain issues. It's always such a hard and exhausting thing to deal with.... Hang in there, ok?  :Hug:

----------


## Nat1ve

I quit drinking energy drinks after over 10 years and I've been having these panic attacks which are new to me. Last night I went to the hospital because of an impending doom...I really though I was having a stroke or something.
After waiting at the hospital for 6hours, the doctor told me I was heatly as a bear but I did suffer from a panic attack...although I didn't mention to him that it all started after I smoked marijuana with my friend...just as I was about to leave his house, I looked at the clock and I saw 911...I took it as a warning sign, I got into my car, I felt shortness of breath..I got the end of the street and there's a cop...I start getting stressed and then my heart felt like it was accelerating and I just trying to focus on my breathing. At any moment, it felt like my whole body was about to cramp up...I get home to my family, I try to ease down but by then my body still feels like it`s going to cramp up and I`m about to pass out at any moment, thinking I was to have a stroke...so I decide to google on stroke and high pressure symptoms...and all that made things 10x times worst...I tried sleeping but again my legs felt like they were about to cramp up and I had the shortness of breath but I also was taking deep breaths from my chest...

I smoked cigarettes for 15 years and I quit cold turkey 3 years ago, but I never did really quit smoking marijuana because it was a stress reliever for me but also an addiction, I use to work a lot of night shifts back when I was younger so I started drinking Full Throttle, Monsters and Redbulls once or twice and even coffee...but that I quit drinking energy drinks I`ve been getting panic attacks. I thought it was a combination of things so quit smoking and drinking energy drinks. But the other night, I was visiting my old friend and I thought I`d smoke 1 or 2 with him for good old times. I regret doing it since then...and I hope I manage to get through this...

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Physically tired and sleepy, but my mind wants to be awake.

----------


## GunnyHighway

CompTIA A+ 220-801 test tomorrow morning at 9:45, can't sleep of course. Same for Wednesday for the 220-802 test. They should be a cakewalk but I'm freaking out. 

[BEEP] you body. Calm your shit.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

> CompTIA A+ 220-801 test tomorrow morning at 9:45, can't sleep of course. Same for Wednesday for the 220-802 test. They should be a cakewalk but I'm freaking out. 
> 
> [BEEP] you body. Calm your shit.



Ahh so that's what it was!! How'd it go? My phone was spazzing and I couldn't read most of your texts.

----------


## GunnyHighway

> Ahh so that's what it was!! How'd it go? My phone was spazzing and I couldn't read most of your texts.



No problem  :Hug: 

The test went well, I passed with flying colours. 866/900 was my score. All of the questions were weighted differently which made the stuff I was unsure of even more scary seeing as they might have been worth lots. CompTIA also has shoved in a few questions that aren't even covered under the material and have 0 weight, wrong or right. Mind games are eeeeviiiilllll.

 Tomorrow I have to pass the 220-802 test to actually get the certification. Tomorrow's test will be harder.

----------


## infamous

What is out there for an unmaterialistic person without passions? 

Also I keep getting clingy email telling me that I'm missed. I don't miss you. 
sorry anxietyspace.

----------


## Chantellabella

On Monday I almost got shot in the head, my shed and house got shot, then I stood in the line of fire screaming for the guy to stop shooting. Then the week went downhill. 

I'm sitting here eating ice cream I don't want, wishing that things wouldn't suck so much right now.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> On Monday I almost got shot in the head, my shed and house got shot, then I stood in the line of fire screaming for the guy to stop shooting. Then the week went downhill. 
> 
> I'm sitting here eating ice cream I don't want, wishing that things wouldn't suck so much right now.



Oh my god! Are you ok??

----------


## L

> On Monday I almost got shot in the head, my shed and house got shot, then I stood in the line of fire screaming for the guy to stop shooting. Then the week went downhill. 
> 
> I'm sitting here eating ice cream I don't want, wishing that things wouldn't suck so much right now.




What was going on????? Are you okay???

----------


## Chantellabella

> Oh my god! Are you ok??



Lasair and Cal,

Well my ptsd is through the roof now. I'm scared to walk in my backyard until this is resolved. Since I work for the same city, I can't say anything. Thank you though for just listening. That means a lot.

----------


## Kaffee

How is everyone else able to make friends so naturally... ?

----------


## QuietCalamity

> Lasair and Cal,
> 
> Well my ptsd is through the roof now. I'm scared to walk in my backyard until this is resolved. Since I work for the same city, I can't say anything. Thank you though for just listening. That means a lot.



 ::(:  I'm sorry. That sucks that you are bound to secrecy. It sounds very traumatic. Hope you get some rest and feel better.  :Hug:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> On Monday I almost got shot in the head, my shed and house got shot, then I stood in the line of fire screaming for the guy to stop shooting. Then the week went downhill. 
> 
> I'm sitting here eating ice cream I don't want, wishing that things wouldn't suck so much right now.



Take care of yourself Chanty!  :Hug:  Whatever's going on sounds really scary...keep us updated if you're able to. So much violence lately. What's wrong with people?  ::(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

My family collectively forgot one of my half-bro's birthdays! We all feel terrible. Usually there's _someone_ to remind us when everyone's birthday is. Typically that person is my mom, but my Grampy's been in the hospital three times in the last coupla weeks and things have just been all over the place. My brother's in his early 40's with a family and all that...I don't see him much anymore and at most I might have texted him a "Happy Birthday", but still. The fact that his own father didn't remember...ugh I feel so shitty about this. We need to make it up to him. My mom called him and explained how hectic things have been & I hope he understands. She always remembers because his birthday is four days after hers. This year it just happened to fall on the same day as a family emergency. 

Me being handy in the kitchen, I whipped up a cake for him earlier and made frosting. The cake is still cooling and didn't come out of the pan properly because we don't have cooking spray - shortening is NOT a trusty substitute >.<. I think it's salvageable though. Once it's frosted/decorated you probably won't be able to tell. Hopefully we can get it to him tomorrow.

----------


## Koalafan

> Lasair and Cal,
> 
> Well my ptsd is through the roof now. I'm scared to walk in my backyard until this is resolved. Since I work for the same city, I can't say anything. Thank you though for just listening. That means a lot.



A koala would never let anything bad happen to you!!!!  :Hug:   :koala:   :bopa:

----------


## GunnyHighway

Desire to keep breathing is pretty low. Sunday started off with waking up and feeling good. Since then, insanely downhill and I regret just about every decision I've made today.

----------


## Otherside

And for the last time, vaccines do not cause autism. Now will you stop trying to convince me that they do?

----------


## GunnyHighway

What a day. Up and down a flight of about 30 stairs, 15 times over, hauling old monitors from storage that are getting removed from the 911 call centre. Didn't help that I was in a rush so I was running up 2 stairs at a time. It's a miracle I didn't faceplant today.

----------


## Skippy

.

----------


## SmileyFace

Mom been guilt tripping me to the max. I fuckin' hate it. She doesn't understand that I have a life of my own... outside of her. Everything has to be about her.

I'm so sick of her.

----------


## Skippy

.

----------


## L

It is broken!!!

----------


## GunnyHighway

I ate a few spoonfuls of peanut butter for dinner. Gonna sit in bed and watch anime till I fall asleep. I don't really know why, but I have absolutely zero desire to exist at the moment.

----------


## GunnyHighway

And Plex won't load my fucking shows. I give up...

----------


## Chantellabella

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  :bopa:   :bopa:  :bopa:  :bopa:  :bopa:   :bopa:  :bopa:  :bopa:  :bam:  :bam:  :bam:  :bam:  :bam: 


ok. I feel much better now.

Thanks.

----------


## QuietCalamity

I called in sick today. My eyes are messed up and I have a serious cold. Not feeling up to doing much, but I'm bored!!

----------


## GunnyHighway

> My car got rear-ended and although the other party has insurance and it's being covered, it doesn't make up for the trouble of getting it repaired and dealing with a crappy rental.  And I'm stressing over the rental because they wouldn't document all the scratches and dings it had ("we only care about major damage"), and I'm wondering if they're going to end up pinning it all on me when I return it.



Take pictures of the whole car. If you have a camera with the option of directly timestamping the pictures, even better. A lot of rental companies seem to not care for a bit of dings and scratches. We had rentals for work for a few months which got dinged inside and out. Nothing was big enough to match the guide Enterprise has. (It's usually sitting on the front counter, bunch of circles saying how big different types of damage are before it matters)

As for me, I have gone off the deep end. I've been so depressed and shitty feeling that I have completely destroyed my diet. I have been munching on chocolate bars all night. I had a bunch of candy at work since my boss brought it in for halloween. Why the [BEEP] does it matter anyways, me looking "better" has done absolutely nothing for me. Still have no friends, still don't have a girlfriend. Looks mean jack [BEEP] when I can't talk to people.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Yeah, somethin's really botherin' me. Still feelin' so weak and fatigued it's startin' to seriously bother me; sometimes I dun even have the energy to sing n' pick my guitar, and we can't have that, now! D:
> Seriously tho, It really hurts....



 :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

> Take pictures of the whole car. If you have a camera with the option of directly timestamping the pictures, even better. A lot of rental companies don't seem to not care for a bit of dings and scratches. We had rentals for work for a few months which got dinged inside and out. Nothing was big enough to match the guide Enterprise has. (It's usually sitting on the front counter, bunch of circles saying how big different types of damage are before it matters)
> 
> As for me, I have gone off the deep end. I've been so depressed and shitty feeling that I have completely destroyed my diet. I have been munching on chocolate bars all night. I had a bunch of candy at work since my boss brought it in for halloween. Why the [BEEP] does it matter anyways, me looking "better" has done absolutely nothing for me. Still have no friends, still don't have a girlfriend. Looks mean jack [BEEP] when I can't talk to people.



Don't give up. You're having a down week it sounds like. Halloween candy tempts everybody and when you eat sugar, you tend to feel physically awful anyway. Please give yourself some slack, ok?  :Hug:

----------


## L

Because of another stupid nurse I ended up in the emergency department AFTER my days shift, I'm so pissed off, I'm so tired....its Friday and Halloween night, I'm going to be here forever.

----------


## Kaffee

I don't know if this relationship is working out as we approach the two-year mark. I always knew he was a rather quiet, shy sort, but I'm having trouble dealing with how rare it is for him to do so much as pick out a movie for his turn on date night without making _sure_ I like it. Everything is all about me, and honestly it sucks.

The whole point of date night was to find a way to surprise each other, whether it was with something they'd love but hadn't heard of or by seeing one of the most important movies in the other's childhood. It's the relationship equivalent of giving someone gift cards for Christmas because you "don't know what they want", when the whole point of it is a special surprise between two people. My mom's hot cocoa is good because it's my mom's hot cocoa, even if the hot cocoa from a coffee ship around here comes with whipped cream, and I always liked it when she picked out a book on animals she thought I'd like without worrying about whether I was more interested in dragonflies or butterflies. That wasn't the point of it, and it's not the point of things like date night.

I know this type of guy thinks they're being nice by letting women make the decisions and all that... but I'm really jealous of my friend whose boyfriend simply surprised her with tickets to something he knows she's into. Without clearing it with her, giving her a choice between different events to pick which one she liked best, asking to make sure she liked the particular event, etc. He just wanted to see her surprised and make her day with something she didn't see coming because he was very well-connected within that genre, and that was it.

That's what love looks like to me: reaching out. Knowing what it is you want to share, and what parts are important to _both_ people. Experiencing things together and introducing each other to your world.

Every aspect of our relationship is some variation of this problem, and the connection just feels gone. I'd give anything just for him to yell during an argument and show some kind of conviction or passion for something. Call me out if I'm being a bitch. Tell me he thinks there should be more of this or less of that. Try to get me in the mood if he's in the mood instead of just waiting for me to initiate. I never saw myself as "that girl" who'd complain about her relationship in comparison to other people's relationships, but I also never imagined myself in a setting where I'd so unloved by the massive void that is usually where someone else's opinions, tastes, and desires are.

----------


## Koalafan

I hate myself today

----------


## Skippy

> I hate myself today



Pick yerself up, dude, you can  do this. Dun think crap about yerseeeeelf. Hugzzz for the Koala!  :Hug:

----------


## Koalafan

> Pick yerself up, dude, you can  do this. Dun think crap about yerseeeeelf. Hugzzz for the Koala!



Thanks for the hugs Skippy!! I've been doing better today  :Hug:   :koala:

----------


## Skippy

> Thanks for the hugs Skippy!! I've been doing better today



Awesome! Glad to hear ya doin' better! = ]

----------


## GunnyHighway

Buying clothes online is shit. Flat out, shit. My fat does not help this. Returning 2 of 3 things I bought recently. One of which I reeeaaaallly wanted to fit.

----------


## compulsive

Everything. The fact that i am forced to live against my will.

----------


## Skippy

> Everything. The fact that i am forced to live against my will.



Forced to live? Why would ANYONE wanna die? We only exist a very short time considering....

Something I've learned in my life is that everything changes with time if you like it or not. no matter how crappy life may be right now, 5, maybe 10 years later n' it's all different. But nothing makes a difference as much as the person themself. When they get tired of things not being well n' finally get up n' say "I've had it!" and fight tooth n' nail for something new.....if it's in their comfort zone or not. There's always an answer out there somewhere, but giving up and suicide is certain that nothing will EVER be better, all that's left being the...looong lights out for the rest of time at the end.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I have been overworked lately. I am so exhausted and I'm sick of having to cut into my lunch time and not take any breaks and leave after 5PM (no OT pay) just so I can finish all of my assigned work in a day. I basically get home and loaf around every night now because I just can't be assed to get up and do anything.

----------


## compulsive

> Forced to live? Why would ANYONE wanna die? We only exist a very short time considering....
> 
> Something I've learned in my life is that everything changes with time if you like it or not. no matter how crappy life may be right now, 5, maybe 10 years later n' it's all different. But nothing makes a difference as much as the person themself. When they get tired of things not being well n' finally get up n' say "I've had it!" and fight tooth n' nail for something new.....if it's in their comfort zone or not. There's always an answer out there somewhere, but giving up and suicide is certain that nothing will EVER be better, all that's left being the...looong lights out for the rest of time at the end.



Different people have different values. My life values are different and I wont go any further into it due to the laws against it here.

----------


## Skippy

.

----------


## Misssy

I just wasted my money on an impulse purchase of Raclette cheese, makes me want to puke, My fingers smell like puke after touching it...   ::(:   I feel like a food eater failure

----------


## QuietCalamity

Depression. I had just a few things to do this weekend and I decided to be a fat whale and just sleep and eat instead. I promised Tim I would do one simple thing that means a lot to him but I didn't. And he actually worked all weekend. Unlike me. 
 :hit wall:

----------


## Chantellabella

> I hate myself today



We love you though.  :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

I'm really frustrated with a whole bunch of people in my real life who act like high school idiots. When adults gossip and play games, it's just stupid looking.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I think someone needs to hold onto my guns for a while  ::\:

----------


## Skippy

> I'm really frustrated with a whole bunch of people in my real life who act like high school idiots. When adults gossip and play games, it's just stupid looking.



I know rite...
VERY sadly the 'high school' part when they young'uns is just practice for when they adults....T_T 
I wish this world wasn't so bad like this...isn't kindness and love a better thing.....??

----------


## SmileyFace

I feel disgusting and ugly  ::\:

----------


## Koalafan

> We love you though.



Aww you're too kind Cindy!! ::$:

----------


## SmileyFace

Been a while since PMS resulted in awful emotions for me. My self esteem sure took a plunge this week. I feel as though everyone is sick and tired of me. I feel like my BF is being distant, even though in reality... he probably isn't. Feels as though everyone's been distant, even though it's probably me being avoidant as my SA has skyrocketed.

Good grief..

I had a good cry last night. I was such a wreck. I felt as though I'm a failure. Then I was mad at myself for not allowing myself to live life and reward myself every now and then. Life isn't just about going to work 8 hours/day and coming home to do nothing until you have work the next morning. I don't want it to be that way, but I've had no motivation to do stuff for the last few months. I don't know if it's depression or what, since this happens when I'm not dealing with PMS as well.

I don't know anymore.. I don't know how to get back that motivation I had to do things when I lived with my parents.

The irony. You would think I'd be out there doing all sorts of stuff, be active... but ever since I moved out, it's like I've been an even bigger homebody, and I do not enjoy it. It's made me feel tired all the time. Tired and lazy. I'd be sore for no reason as well.

Ugh.

----------


## L

Ugh, I have to see my cousin later and I feel yuck

----------


## Skippy

I wish people would grow up. I guess we're still in a primitive time where people ain't developed enough, but if [BEEP] like this keeps up, maybe they'll never get the chance to...

----------


## Koalafan

Crippling depression right now.  I don't even want to fucking move

----------


## QuietCalamity

I'm so upset with Tim's family. They were all here hunting and took advantage of him, trying to make him take care of their kill for them. He hurt himself and should not be doing anything physical! They don't care about him or any property of his. I wish I had been home so I could have told them off. If they want to hunt that's their business. If they don't know how to gut or haul their own murdered animal they should have planned better. Grrr.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Crippling depression right now.  I don't even want to fucking move



Gigantic hugsss koala  :Hug:  :Hug:  :Hug: 

---

My dad won't stop doing things he KNOWS are detrimental to his health. To him: I get it - nobody is going to tell you what you can and can't do because you're a big strong man rawr. Fucking _stop_. You're not getting any sympathy from me or mom or anyone until you start taking this at least somewhat seriously. Quit doing dumb [BEEP] that makes you feel worse. You need to accept that you have a medical condition. You just had day surgery a few days ago what the hell is wrong with you?? Honestly. And I fucking swear if you pick up a shovel when we start needing to shovel the driveway...I may actually want to knock you out with it. Rather that than see mom cry because you can't even pretend that you want to get better. You have a big family. We all care about you. Please take this into consideration.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> Gigantic hugsss koala




I read that as gigantic huge-ass koala lol. Hugs from me as well  :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## Skippy

> Crippling depression right now.  I don't even want to fucking move



Moaaaaaaarrrr hugzzz!
 :Hug: 
 :Hug: 
 :Hug: 
 :Hug:  


As for me.... Gaw! I do have some complications of my injury indeed. the freakin' pain (brain pain feels oddly diff from a headache) is driving me nuuuuuuttzz n' I can't remember shit. >< I shoud'a been more careful; I haven't really got any rest since I left the hospital.

----------


## L

This may be worse than I thought.....shit [BEEP] shit!!

----------


## Koalafan

> Gigantic hugsss koala 
> 
> ---
> 
> My dad won't stop doing things he KNOWS are detrimental to his health. To him: I get it - nobody is going to tell you what you can and can't do because you're a big strong man rawr. Fucking _stop_. You're not getting any sympathy from me or mom or anyone until you start taking this at least somewhat seriously. Quit doing dumb [BEEP] that makes you feel worse. You need to accept that you have a medical condition. You just had day surgery a few days ago what the hell is wrong with you?? Honestly. And I fucking swear if you pick up a shovel when we start needing to shovel the driveway...I may actually want to knock you out with it. Rather that than see mom cry because you can't even pretend that you want to get better. You have a big family. We all care about you. Please take this into consideration.







> I read that as gigantic huge-ass koala lol. Hugs from me as well







> Moaaaaaaarrrr hugzzz!
> 
> 
> 
>  
> 
> 
> As for me.... Gaw! I do have some complications of my injury indeed. the freakin' pain (brain pain feels oddly diff from a headache) is driving me nuuuuuuttzz n' I can't remember shit. >< I shoud'a been more careful; I haven't really got any rest since I left the hospital.



Aww thanks guys for the hugs!!! I'm feeling better today. I don't know what happened yesterday....worse depressive episode I've had in a LONG time. Just when you think you're getting some kind of handle, some kind of progress...NOPE! The world instead punches you in the stomach and laughs at you while you're on the ground  :Tongue: 

Koala hugs for all of you guys!!!  :Hug:   :koala:

----------


## SmileyFace

Felt calm and anxiety-free earlier, but now I'm starting to feel on edge again.

----------


## Rawr

The whole gay marriage being legalized in my state flame war on my Facebook. I don't voice my opinion on the matter cause it isn't any of my business. Plus it would only make things worse but let's just say I was brought up in a Southern family with traditional beliefs. I'm still respectful towards those that oppose of my traditions though. I just wish they would be respectful towards me back without calling me & my loved ones awful names.

----------


## Chantellabella

> This may be worse than I thought.....shit [BEEP] shit!!



 :Hug:  for whatever's going on.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Aww thanks guys for the hugs!!! I'm feeling better today. I don't know what happened yesterday....worse depressive episode I've had in a LONG time. Just when you think you're getting some kind of handle, some kind of progress...NOPE! The world instead punches you in the stomach and laughs at you while you're on the ground 
> 
> Koala hugs for all of you guys!!!



Well, don't let the world get my little koala friend so down. *big squooshy hug!!!*

----------


## Chantellabella

> Felt calm and anxiety-free earlier, but now I'm starting to feel on edge again.



Just a hug to help you through it, my friend.  :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

> The whole gay marriage being legalized in my state flame war on my Facebook. I don't voice my opinion on the matter cause it isn't any of my business. Plus it would only make things worse but let's just say I was brought up in a Southern family with traditional beliefs. I'm still respectful towards those that oppose of my traditions though. I just wish they would be respectful towards me back without calling me & my loved ones awful names.



Getting called names sucks. I hear you. It hurts. I'm sorry you got hurt, my friend.

----------


## Rawr

> Getting called names sucks. I hear you. It hurts. I'm sorry you got hurt, my friend.



It's fine. I reckon they thought I was judging them or hated them but I don't. I like & dislike people equally based off their personality. Not their sexuality, religion, race, etc. Just cause I have an opposing view doesn't mean I'm a negative closed minded person.

----------


## Chantellabella

> It's fine. I reckon they thought I was judging them or hated them but I don't. I like & dislike people equally based off their personality. Not their sexuality, religion, race, etc. Just cause I have an opposing view doesn't mean I'm a negative closed minded person.



Yeah, I've had that happen to me also. It's like "hey! Don't I get a chance to voice my opinion too?" Judgment works both ways and sometimes people just don't see that. I'm sorry you got hurt.

btw...........I love your new avatar. But where's your purple hair?  ::):

----------


## Rawr

> Yeah, I've had that happen to me also. It's like "hey! Don't I get a chance to voice my opinion too?" Judgment works both ways and sometimes people just don't see that. I'm sorry you got hurt.
> 
> btw...........I love your new avatar. But where's your purple hair?



Exactly! & thank you  ::): . Purple hair? lol never had it. I got brunette at the moment though. :3

----------


## Chantellabella

> Exactly! & thank you . Purple hair? lol never had it. I got brunette at the moment though. :3



My co-worker went purple. I could never pull it off. I did have maroon hair once. Quite scary. It sort of reflected gold like a goldfish in some spots. 

 :Hug:  hang in there, my friend.

----------


## Rawr

> My co-worker went purple. I could never pull it off. I did have maroon hair once. Quite scary. It sort of reflected gold like a goldfish in some spots. 
> 
>  hang in there, my friend.



Thanks!  :Hug:  & certain lighting in places does make your hair funky. Like you can see my blonde undertones & roots really bad some places. Then when I get home it looks all dark again. So weird.

----------


## SmileyFace

> Just a hug to help you through it, my friend.



Thanks chantellabella

More anxious tonight.. again. Haven't heard from BF for the night... I'm getting worried that something bad might have happened. Figured he may just be doing some quick errands after work, but knowing him, he'd never be out at this time. I hope nothing bad happened.  ::(:  I don't know why I'm thinking that way, grrr. Probably because I know he usually tries to be home asap after work.

I sent him a text, but still no response. He's not on Skype either.

Meh...

----------


## Chantellabella

> Thanks chantellabella
> 
> More anxious tonight.. again. Haven't heard from BF for the night... I'm getting worried that something bad might have happened. Figured he may just be doing some quick errands after work, but knowing him, he'd never be out at this time. I hope nothing bad happened.  I don't know why I'm thinking that way, grrr. Probably because I know he usually tries to be home asap after work.
> 
> I sent him a text, but still no response. He's not on Skype either.
> 
> Meh...



I can see why that would make you anxious. Let us know when you hear from him ok?

----------


## SmileyFace

Will do  ::(:  Hope to hear from him really soon.

All sorts of crap is going through my head. What if he got into a car accident/crash? What if he was attacked?

I'm trying to think of more... positive reasons, like.. maybe he decided to go to his parents' after work as a last minute thing. Or traffic sucked so bad even on side streets that it caused him to come home a lot later than usual. Maybe he just simply fell asleep.

Who knows...

I'm really sleepy, so I'd like to go sleep real soon, but I just want to at least hear from him before I do  ::(:  I hope I at least hear from him tomorrow morning...

----------


## L

> Will do  Hope to hear from him really soon.
> 
> All sorts of crap is going through my head. What if he got into a car accident/crash? What if he was attacked?
> 
> I'm trying to think of more... positive reasons, like.. maybe he decided to go to his parents' after work as a last minute thing. Or traffic sucked so bad even on side streets that it caused him to come home a lot later than usual. Maybe he just simply fell asleep.
> 
> Who knows...
> 
> I'm really sleepy, so I'd like to go sleep real soon, but I just want to at least hear from him before I do  I hope I at least hear from him tomorrow morning...



Did you hear is all okay?

----------


## L

Yesterday my level 2 manger called me into her office to tell me one of the doctors had a problem with my spelling in my nursing notes - I made two small mistakes. I spelt tremor tremmer and put of instead of off. I am pissed of as I had to tell my manger that I am dyslexic but that I am very careful with my writing...even more pissed of as I had asked someone else how to spell tremor. I am always double checking and looking up words - now she is going to be keeping a close eye on me, as if I don't feel self conscience enough - either way I ordered an electronic spell checker on Amazon but I just feel that I let myself down with this one!

----------


## SmileyFace

> Did you hear is all okay?



I heard from him. Don't quite know where he was or what he was doing but he got back to me when I was already asleep. Said the internet was out at his place. I was a bit upset that he didn't at least text the whole time, but whatever.. I'm over it. I'm glad he's okay. Things are ok.

I feel like my anxiety has TOTALLY been back. It's been around, but I'm experiencing emotions and such that I experienced so often throughout college.. and they would always eat me up. I hated it.

Trying to get back into the habit of journaling again. I'm considering on handwriting rather than typing... something about handwriting seems more therapeutic, if you will.

----------


## Rawr

My throat & my head both hurt terribly. I don't like telling people when I don't feel well but I can't hide it cause they're like "Oh you're sick again?". [BEEP] YES I'M SICK AGAIN & it's not like you fucking come around me to even care!

Sorry I had to let that out...

----------


## GunnyHighway

No fucking [BEEP] Tinder works for you and not me. One of us can talk to women, one can't. One of us is good looking, one of us is not. I WONDER WHICH ONE OF US GETS LAID. HMMMM.

I don't even know why I let my cousin push me to try it out. I kinda figured it'd be a horrible failure since the beginning.

----------


## Member11

Knee dislocated again, it is so unstable it falls out on a weekly basis, going to need surgery soon  ::(:

----------


## Skippy

> Yesterday my level 2 manger called me into her office to tell me one of the doctors had a problem with my spelling in my nursing notes - I made two small mistakes. I spelt tremor tremmer and put of instead of off. I am pissed of as I had to tell my manger that I am dyslexic but that I am very careful with my writing...even more pissed of as I had asked someone else how to spell tremor. I am always double checking and looking up words - now she is going to be keeping a close eye on me, as if I don't feel self conscience enough - either way I ordered an electronic spell checker on Amazon but I just feel that I let myself down with this one!



Wow, I see that a really pointless thing for a manager to need to talk to you about. They can read and understand enough to know what it meant anyway. Worse for someone to have to [BEEP] about it. D'ya see what's happenin' here tho? It was a simple mistake and people are makin' it a bigger deal than it needs to be cuz it seems that's how people like to be these days. I tell ya, people are becoming so ....immature...
Dun worry about things like that tho, they can't say "oh we fired her because she made a couple spelling mistakes"  
Heck, no one can even READ the writing of doctors....LOL
they can [BEEP] 'emselves, seriously.

----------


## L

> Wow, I see that a really pointless thing for a manager to need to talk to you about. They can read and understand enough to know what it meant anyway. Worse for someone to have to [BEEP] about it. D'ya see what's happenin' here tho? It was a simple mistake and people are makin' it a bigger deal than it needs to be cuz it seems that's how people like to be these days. I tell ya, people are becoming so ....immature...
> Dun worry about things like that tho, they can't say "oh we fired her because she made a couple spelling mistakes"  
> Heck, no one can even READ the writing of doctors....LOL
> they can [BEEP] 'emselves, seriously.



Unfortunately (depending on how you look at it) this doctor writes very clear and made it known that spelling mistakes are unprofessional and we need to keep a standard.  Well they can't fore me because I am dyslexic lol, but I need to show I am on top of it. Thanks skippy x

----------


## L

> Knee dislocated again, it is so unstable it falls out on a weekly basis, going to need surgery soon



Oh wow, that sucks - How does this happen? Is it really painful?

----------


## Rawr

My "old friends". God was I drunk our entire friendship?

----------


## Chantellabella

> Knee dislocated again, it is so unstable it falls out on a weekly basis, going to need surgery soon



Yikes! Sorry to hear that Jerry.

----------


## Chantellabella

Hawks.................I hate that I have to protect my cats every time I go in my backyard.

The stupid idiot with the gun behind me.........................He was shooting again last night. I'm seriously thinking of putting up a sign on my shed that reads something quite insulting to him. Hey! It's my own backyard, right? Just like he has a right to be an asshole in his backyard, I also have a right to be an asshole with a freedom of speech in mine.

----------


## Member11

> Hope you can be helped because that really sucks. A knee is such a crucial mechanism to do stuff. It freaks me out whenever I feel the slightest discomfort there.







> Yikes! Sorry to hear that Jerry.



Thanks guys  :Hug: 





> Oh wow, that sucks - How does this happen? Is it really painful?



I had a really bad fall on my right knee which has caused it to do this, however, I have chronic and inherited conditions that is destroying all my joints, in fact I can feel my left knee moving around sometimes even tho it wasn't injured. I think it is only a matter of time until it too dislocates. It is quite painful, especially when it moves, anyone who has had a broken bone knows the pain when the bones rubs against each other. It can be unbearable at times  ::\:

----------


## Misssy

Mostly I am alone and scared out of my fooking mind.   It is fooking true. and I hide it and distract myself with stooped sheet. I am going to be so beat up by the time I am BLANK years old. The thought goes through my head all the time. What was I waiting for.

----------


## SmileyFace

Family only wants my fuckin money. Brother now trying to take advantage of the fact that I have a job now.

Makes me not wanna get anyone (in the family) presents for Christmas.

Gonna be visiting this Thanksgiving and something tells me they are just going to keep asking for $$$ and crap.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> Family only wants my fuckin money. Brother now trying to take advantage of the fact that I have a job now.
> 
> Makes me not wanna get anyone (in the family) presents for Christmas.
> 
> Gonna be visiting this Thanksgiving and something tells me they are just going to keep asking for $$$ and crap.



Well, you could get them...



 ::D:

----------


## L

> Family only wants my fuckin money. Brother now trying to take advantage of the fact that I have a job now.
> 
> Makes me not wanna get anyone (in the family) presents for Christmas.
> 
> Gonna be visiting this Thanksgiving and something tells me they are just going to keep asking for $$$ and crap.



Why? this is not fair, when I started working my parents were happy as they could save more from not supporting me anymore!

----------


## Brasilia

am crazy

----------


## GunnyHighway

It's been over a week of just pure depression. Wake up, go to work, come home, drink a lot, eat shitty food, never leave my computer chair. Rinse, repeat. The only good thing is I've gone through all of my beer as of yesterday...and I'm probably too lazy/broke to buy more. :Rain:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> It's been over a week of just pure depression. Wake up, go to work, come home, drink a lot, eat shitty food, never leave my computer chair. Rinse, repeat. The only good thing is I've gone through all of my beer as of yesterday...and I'm probably too lazy/broke to buy more.



I'm sorry to hear that, Gunny  ::(:   :Hug:  I'm not doing too well myself.

I haven't left my brother's apartment for 3 days now. I spend my days all alone while he and his wife are working and that's taking its toll on me. I don't feel like going out by myself. I miss HÃ©loÃ¯se. I can't wait to finally get my passport back with my visa and hop on a plane back to France. In 2 days my brother and his wife are going to the US for 15 days and then I'll have zero company, including on my birthday  ::(:

----------


## Misssy

I feel really exhausted. I do not feel like cooking but I am trying to do it anyhow

----------


## SmileyFace

anxious.

----------


## GunnyHighway

My struggle right now:

----------


## GunnyHighway

Get his message: *"I* try and get you some and you just gotta be a dick haha" after declining free hockey tickets. (I don't know anything about the minor leagues)

Yes I'm lonely. Yes I can't talk to women. No I did not ask you for your input. No I did not once say "help get me laid".

----------


## QuietCalamity

Had to miss Thanksgiving due to serotonin withdrawals. I feel so weird and shakey and anxious and cry. I hate my Dr. So much. 10mg of Lexapro =/= 40mg of Viibryd. I should have just taken two. Knew this would happen.

----------


## L

Graduation day.....reminder to self: Breath

----------


## Member11

Pain  ::(:

----------


## Chantellabella

> Graduation day.....reminder to self: Breath



Yes, breathe.  ::):  Happy Graduation! You're going to be awesome in your career!

----------


## Chantellabella

> Pain



:-( 

 :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

Woke up at 1 p.m. 
My circadian rhythm is completely messed up at the moment

----------


## QuietCalamity

Tim was/is officially 100%busy today and tonight on top of all day Thursday and yesterday. We may spend some time together tomorrow but he hasn't been good at making me a priority lately so I'm not getting my hopes up. He knows what I've been going through with my serotonin withdrawals but really wasn't there for me at all. Not looking forward to Monday when everyone at work will ask the usual "how was your holiday weekend?" and I will have to pretend it was good and normal when it was really one of the worst in a long [BEEP] time.

----------


## Chantellabella

I'm really annoyed with my cats. It's like they're not happy unless they're destroying everything I own. They're presently in my Christmas tree. They don't even respond to being soaked with water. It's mainly the 8 week old kitten and one of the 7 month old kittens. They're making me crazy.

I need to send them to obedience school.

----------


## L

I'm out, drunk, missing my friend, its time to go home.....close to crying....cant find her

----------


## L

I fucking hate my social life....why am I such a freak

----------


## L

I don't know if I expect too much of people or if people treat me shit

----------


## GunnyHighway

Sittin here drinking beer and eating chocolate again. Goodbye all the weight loss I accomplished lately. Back up ~7 pounds.

----------


## Otherside

Paranoid. Restless. Agitated. Every single thing is ticking me off. It was today. Thoughts are racing again, like they did before. I'm fucking scared of how bad it could get again.

I'm gonna take a zopiclone and try and sleep, see if that solves it. I hate taking it though. It always seems to make me break out into a rash and I feel like bollocks the next morning.

----------


## Sagan

I miss my mom soo much!

 ::'(:

----------


## Skippy

.

----------


## SmileyFace

Parents getting in the way of things  ::\:  They think I do nothing on the weekends...

----------


## GunnyHighway

Insane depression and extreme lack of self-worth. I crammed myself so uncomfortably against the wall of the bus today so the woman beside me could have more space and not heave to deal with having her elbows touch my stupid self. 

Aaand back to drinking. [BEEP] everything....

----------


## Chantellabella

> Insane depression and extreme lack of self-worth. I crammed myself so uncomfortably against the wall of the bus today so the woman beside me could have more space and not heave to deal with having her elbows touch my stupid self. 
> 
> Aaand back to drinking. [BEEP] everything....



I'm sorry that you're having a hard time right now.  ::(: 

Hang in there, ok?

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I thought school would distract me from depression, but all it did was redirect it due to the crazily fast-paced nature of the course. Still depressed, and moreso, but for different reasons. Impossible deadlines. Unfairness. Certain people. No sleep fucking ever. No time to do things such as buy a proper winter coat or boots. I won't be done all of my semester 1 skills by next week. I really don't think it's possible at this point. I fucked something up because I was trying to rush. Because you _have_ to rush. They set you up to fail. At least it's the weekend now, though I've got three exams to prepare for with the additional stress of inevitably having to speak with the higher ups about why I won't be finished my evaluations next week.

It's just so infuriating. I'm not the type of person to get behind in anything like this. I've been giving 110%. Haven't missed a single day. My grades are fantastic - much higher than I expected to be receiving. But they need to give us more time for the clinic and lab portions of the course. The parts that actually matter. Even if everyone miraculously gets things done on time, this is not the way to learn them. If we rush, what are we taking away from it? We met deadlines? Big deal. Will we actually remember how to do the skills months later when we're applying for jobs? Probably not. Such a poor setup.

----------


## Chantellabella

I'm very sleep deprived which is causing me to be very manic. I've spent too much and I can't get anything done...........yet I'm doing a thousand things at all times.................just not very well.  ::(:

----------


## QuietCalamity

I feel like everybody hates me. And I hate myself.

----------


## Skippy

.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> Human life is like bacteria....no diff. Each is his own organism that needs to become stronger than the rest and survive by any means.



I don't know if it's my meds talking (or lack thereof) but I'm really feeling you on this one right now. People are selfish and self-centered by nature. Even here, I can give support all I want but when I need it I might as well be a ghost. If there is anything life has taught me it is do not need anybody; do not expect good from anybody. You will only be let down.

----------


## Skippy

> I don't know if it's my meds talking (or lack thereof) but I'm really feeling you on this one right now. People are selfish and self-centered by nature. Even here, I can give support all I want but when I need it I might as well be a ghost. If there is anything life has taught me it is do not need anybody; do not expect good from anybody. You will only be let down.



I know rite!!  :XD: 
Ithink it was the booze (I had absynthe last nite whooooo lawwdy!) and the fact my physical health has been oddly deterioratin' of late, but It's still true...
Gotta always remember tho there are people out there that ain't like that....it just feels like that's fadin' away....and it worries me. It still hurts me even if im not on the receivin' end....cuz i just can't stand to see how this world's goin' to shit....our species may even die out one day at this rate.....n' nobody's doin' [BEEP] all about it cuz they too used to gov and media control tellin' em' how to live like good lil obedient slaves n shit

----------


## L

If you cannot treat another human with respect, just [BEEP] off, you have no right to abuse another, fucking animals.....give the good people bad names

----------


## Chantellabella

My co-worker told me today that her terminal cancer has spread even further. She knows she's dying. Yet, she's still at work and she still puts a smile on her face. 

I'm just not that brave. 

My granddaughter's physical health continues to deteriorate. It's hard to watch someone you love suffer, knowing that she probably won't reach adulthood. She's 13. How do you explain to a child who has the mentality of a 3 or 4 year old that she's dying?

So I'm extremely pissed at anyone who takes life for granted. I want to just scream at them.............Well then give me your damned life so I can give it to people who truly care to live.  ::

----------


## Chantellabella

I encountered 3 complete jackasses today. I had to report an asst manager of Walgreens for making rude gestures at me.

I had another person cut me off twice in the same block.

I had another person say something so rude and offensive today at work that I had to warn him that I would have him thrown out of the library. Do librarians have signs that say, "Just say whatever offensive [BEEP] that's on your mind. We accept you no matter how asinine your words are?"


Besides jackasses, I also hate gossipers. Seriously? You can't just deal with your own [BEEP]? You'd rather go to a co-worker and talk about it than do the mature thing and just face the person. 

People who gossip are loooooooserssssssss! And cowards.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I have two roommates, I'll refer to them by number. One is nice, nothing extraordinary but he doesn't cause problems. Tends to clean up after himself at least. Two though...he acts like the place is his. Two has been draining my sanity from me. He leaves outside doors wide open even though he knows I have firearms in the house and we're not in a great neighbourhood. He piles dishes up in the sink until I get fed up and put them on his desk. It's like he thinks he still lives with his mother.

One and I have no idea how to deal with this. It's hard to just tell him to stop being a slob, A) Because I have SA and B) I have to live with the dude no matter the outcome. We still have 8 months on our lease and until then I'm stuck. 

I just want to be able to feel comfortable in my house again.

----------


## Skippy

.

----------


## Skippy

.

----------


## SmileyFace

Sick and tired of myself. I make excuses for everything. I'm too lazy to do anything. I'm always too tired. I've gained 20 lbs since April. Too lazy to go work my [BEEP] off. I'm always bored, but have no motivation to do anything. I feel like I don't deserve any fun in my life.

I don't know how I've ended up to this position in life again. I forgot what it's like, and it's already tiring. Stuffing my face with food clearly doesn't satisfy me in the long run. I just feel more heavy and disgusting.

----------


## Misssy

Feeling exhausted. 

Too many customers all want to tell me their story and I am supposed to make them feel like special royalty when our business just is set up to take their money and then we(customer service lowlifes) are stuck with listening to them complain about all the short-sighted poor quality measures the company has. The customers being mostly dumb about how businesses work think that we in customer service have some real control over what goes on. 

A customer contacted me today and proceeded to say how "Dealing with your business has been a NIGHTMARE"   after the customer already talked and complained to a manager and the manager didn't resolve it and was out of the office today so it dumped on me. 

To be honest I am not great at customer service. People don't particularly like me all that much. A few do for some odd reason but I think it is because they are just glad to get someone who can speak fluent English to them. That isn't saying much though .

I feel like a whipping boy just there for the customer's to hate. Most of what happens is due to delays. And we are there I guess just to say blah blah blah while the delays work themselves out. 

some of them just call  in  over and over and over with more manipulative ways to extract money because they really do think that all of this happens magically, that nobody has to be paid, the dudes that break their back delivering stuff to the customers   THEY work for free is what the customers think....  and every time a customer calls about something that isn't legit it takes away time from the legit customers... but our company makes us give attention to the jerks that are just full o' baloney, and every time I have to go take it to a stupid manager again because I have no authority 

I hate it
I hate people 
I hate greedy customers 
I hate stock holders 
I hate the stupid president of my company that lives in a mansion 

hate all of them, hope they have heart attacks before I do    

slow heart attacks that last for 2,000,0000.00 years  A constant life stopping heart attack because they don't have any hearts. 

One of the managers that is actually pretty darn nice told me that she feels like she is Bob Cratchit  (scrooge's employee). 

I hope they crash their BMW's over a snow wall and on the other side whoops off a cliff ... all while they are driving to their winter ski chalets    

complete jerks 

it's ironic, the executives do so much to protect the company public image....I wish I could video tape our human resource woman who is worthless at assisting anybody with anything. She is fat and lazy and mean. She sits on her bum that is what she does. She also just bought a brand new house. If I could video tape her and post it on the internet and show THAT SHE IS REPRESENTING this company that I work for. I think she would get fired. It is a big brand company, it would make the brand look so bad. Her saying how she is going to slap people around and calling people ugly and the other totally rude ghetto things she says. 

But shrug. It's not my business so who cares. It's just another stupid dead end job. 

Rant complete.

----------


## Hexagon

Finished my last final yesterday. I sometimes wonder why I'm still a biochemistry major, since this was my most stressful semester yet. I almost want to give up on school, but I wouldn't know what the [BEEP] else to do with my life.

----------


## SmileyFace

I feel like a total useless person. I don't feel as smart, and often feel rather clueless about life and people.

----------


## L

Was asked/told yesterday to do something at work that I legally didn't feel comfortable doing. I was half in the loop with the situation then it feel on me...my stomach is I knots as I might have to see that manager this morning

----------


## Skippy

.

----------


## Total Eclipse

I feel so nauseated, dizzy and headachy. I was suppose to go to the ER, but ended up not going. Someone please shoot me?

----------


## GunnyHighway

Had a recoil assembly on an SVT-40 rifle slide out of the dust cover and crush my index finger while I was trying to put it back together. Blood bubble under the nail, yaaaaay.


On another note, I need to find liquor I can drink straight. Being drunk is the only thing I have left to deal with how absolutely shitty I feel.  ::\:

----------


## Skippy

> Had a recoil assembly on an SVT-40 rifle slide out of the dust cover and crush my index finger while I was trying to put it back together. Blood bubble under the nail, yaaaaay.
> 
> 
> On another note, I need to find liquor I can drink straight. Being drunk is the only thing I have left to deal with how absolutely shitty I feel.



Try Absynthe. It's wicked shit, yo. I found some in the SW near chinook. only 2 shots n' I'm right fucked. (it 70 percent alchy) it's got a really great buzz too.
As Uncle Jemimah says "Y'get fucked up fo' less money"

----------


## SmileyFace

I don't feel appreciated in life lately...

Feels as though I do too much for others.

I don't know if it's pms or what. But whatever it is, I feel so emotionally drained and cold. I don't feel like myself lately and I'm constantly thinking I'm fucking up in life.

I just feel like a failure , and that I don't deserve anything or anyone good...

----------


## QuietCalamity

> Try Absynthe. It's wicked shit, yo. I found some in the SW near chinook. only 2 shots n' I'm right fucked. (it 70 percent alchy) it's got a really great buzz too.
> As Uncle Jemimah says "Y'get fucked up fo' less money"




Whooaa lets not advocate for alcoholism here... I mean at least start out with like a limonncello.  :Razz:

----------


## QuietCalamity

> I don't feel appreciated in life lately...
> 
> Feels as though I do too much for others.
> 
> I don't know if it's pms or what. But whatever it is, I feel so emotionally drained and cold. I don't feel like myself lately and I'm constantly thinking I'm fucking up in life.
> 
> I just feel like a failure , and that I don't deserve anything or anyone good...



It IS really draining to give to others all the time and not receive.  :Hug: 
I still remember the essay you had published, and you are SO STRONG. Don't sell yourself short!

----------


## QuietCalamity

My therapist thinks I'm still going through serotonin withdrawals and my symptoms are bad enough that I need to call my doctor ASAP.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Had a recoil assembly on an SVT-40 rifle slide out of the dust cover and crush my index finger while I was trying to put it back together. Blood bubble under the nail, yaaaaay.
> 
> 
> On another note, I need to find liquor I can drink straight. Being drunk is the only thing I have left to deal with how absolutely shitty I feel.



I hope your feeling better today  :Hug:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> My therapist thinks I'm still going through serotonin withdrawals and my symptoms are bad enough that I need to call my doctor ASAP.



What are the symptoms if you don't mind sharing?

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Basically depression. I have no energy, trouble sleeping, trouble concentrating, no appetite, irritability... My therapist said I don't seem like myself at all. 
> 
> It doesn't seem like much to me now because when I first switched meds I felt extremely depressed and just plain sick. I could barely move (Btw shout to @Inscrutable Banana for being the only person on the earth willing to listen or talk to me. We don't know each other that well but it meant a lot). But the therapist said it was such a big change that it's possible I'm still feeling the effects and I need to get an increase on my current SSRI before I burn myself out.




How long have you been on SSRI's for? The first 3 months on SSRI's I felt like that.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Several years. I was on 40mg of Viibryd (which is quite strong) for the last 2 and it was working well, but then my insurance decided not to cover it so my doc (being not especially experienced with SSRIs) prescribed 10mg of Lexapro in its place - a starting dose. I started Viibryd at 10mg also, but I was on 4x that amount. 
> 
> So yeah, trust me, serotonin withdrawal syndrome is a thing.



Wow, that is odd they randomly stopped covering it even the off brand vilazodone?

I hope they figure it out soon and get you on a dosage of medication that helps with the withdraws  ::(:

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> People bother me. I realize that I generally don't like people anymore.....went from a peaceful, happy-go-lucky nice guy sort to an angry, mean, aggressive one, and I'm totally digging it. Not gonna leave myself vulnerable no more. I dun care to make friends, friends ain't real only people that hang with ya till ya outlive yer usefulness. Maybe no one cares for me because I don't have family and family is the only ones nature says one can trust. Human life is like bacteria....no diff. Each is his own organism that needs to become stronger than the rest and survive by any means. Friendship......Love....Caring for one another......I'm devastated past 15 years to find it's just not real.....been in denial. I hope some day this species develops to the point it is. I expected more from people having the ability to reason and think unlike animals or bacteria. Now I care nothing to live in a world like this. I've finally given up caring. To think short existence called life that could really have been anything was such a joke.....dunno why it had to be...It could have been so much better..
> 
> Soooo, I'm takin' a reaaaally big swig o' strong booze to a better outcome in the future!







> I don't know if it's my meds talking (or lack thereof) but I'm really feeling you on this one right now. People are selfish and self-centered by nature. Even here, I can give support all I want but when I need it I might as well be a ghost. If there is anything life has taught me it is do not need anybody; do not expect good from anybody. You will only be let down.



Humans are inherently selfish, but we're also capable of rising above it. Sometimes it feels like the people capable or willing to do so are the minority, but when we're at our lowest our perception of the world isn't exactly the most joyous so we're viewing it from a somewhat skewed viewpoint. As  
@Skippy
 said in his follow-up post, there are people out there who will offer support and understanding - at the very least in the form of lending an ear and perhaps some insight, if nothing else.

Let us also not forget that everyone has their own burdens which may interfere with their ability to support others even if they'd really like to. There have been times where I've seen a post I want to reply to and just feel too exhausted from my own bullshit to collect my thoughts into a coherent response or feel like I can even really be of any help if I did, which leads to me procrastinating and then eventually abandoning the idea. I feel a shitty every time that happens, because I know that it's disheartening and frustrating to feel like you're being ignored.

Additionally, despite having good intentions sometimes people just don't respond well to what you have to say. For example, in some situations you may have to tell someone something they don't want to hear in order to offer meaningful input and that's when it's especially likely you'll encounter a negative response. Conversely, there have been times where even something seemingly innocuous has also inspired a backlash. It can be rather discouraging and leave you feeling like you shouldn't even try.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> Humans are inherently selfish, but we're also capable of rising above it. Sometimes it feels like the people capable or willing to do so are the minority, but when we're at our lowest our perception of the world isn't exactly the most joyous so we're viewing it from a somewhat skewed viewpoint. As  @Skippy said in his follow-up post, there are people out there who will offer support and understanding - at the very least in the form of lending an ear and perhaps some insight, if nothing else.
> 
> 
> Let us also not forget that everyone has their own burdens which may interfere with their ability to support others even if they'd really like to. There have been times where I've seen a post I want to reply to and just feel too exhausted from my own bullshit to collect my thoughts into a coherent response or feel like I can even really be of any help if I did, which leads to me procrastinating and then eventually abandoning the idea. I feel a shitty every time that happens, because I know that it's disheartening and frustrating to feel like you're being ignored.
> 
> 
> Additionally, despite having good intentions sometimes people just don't respond well to what you have to say. For example, in some situations you may have to tell someone something they don't want to hear in order to offer meaningful input and that's when it's especially likely you'll encounter a negative response. Conversely, there have been times where even something seemingly innocuous has also inspired a backlash. It can be rather discouraging and leave you feeling like you shouldn't even try.




I think I speak for a lot of people here when I say that I don't come here looking for advice or insight when I'm having a rough time (I have a therapist for that - and no offense to anyone, but you can't really compete). I know that's everyone's reflex, to say "Oh well this is how you should feel instead and this is what you should do. There ya go I fixed it!" I just want to be heard and understood so I don't feel so alone. Those  :Hug: s mean a lot. Unsolicited advice from someone who doesn't really know my life... Not so much. 

Sometimes I don't respond to people I can tell need some support because, like you mentioned, I don't have the emotional energy. I help people all day long at my job and a lot of times my "cup" is empty. But when I think of everything I have given (and continue to give in spite of myself) it's really shitty to be ignored. Why do I bother trying to help anybody when it's not a two-way street? Do I even make a difference to anyone? If I just stopped posting would anyone even notice?

But I don't have friends IRL who understand my anxiety disorder and I still care about the people here... So here I am anyway.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> I think I speak for a lot of people here when I say that I don't come here looking for advice or insight when I'm having a rough time (I have a therapist for that - and no offense to anyone, but you can't really compete). I know that's everyone's reflex, to say "Oh well this is how you should feel instead and this is what you should do. There ya go I fixed it!" I just want to be heard and understood so I don't feel so alone. Those s mean a lot. Unsolicited advice from someone who doesn't really know my life... Not so much.



I understand that sometimes people _just_ want to be heard, but I'd also argue that regardless of what you're looking for when you post on a public forum you are indirectly soliciting more than just a pat on the back and a hugs smiley. Personally, as much as I can appreciate the sentiment, if it's not accompanied by something a little more substantial it often ends up feeling somewhat empty to me despite whatever sense of solidarity it offers. Offering an alternative viewpoint doesn't necessarily have to come in the form of trying to tell someone what they should do, and approaching it from that angle expecting to magically "fix" them would be rather misguided.

I don't believe that one has to have a degree in psychology to offer sound insight or advice, just an interest in and innate sense of human behavior combined with some life experience. Naturally, people who have spent a large portion of their life pursuing such subjects as both academic interests and career paths are going to have a much wider scope of acquired knowledge and experience (assuming they aren't just awful at it and make you wonder how they got their degree), but they aren't infallible or entirely free of personal bias and it doesn't hurt to have supplemental input.






> Sometimes I don't respond to people I can tell need some support because, like you mentioned, I don't have the emotional energy. I help people all day long at my job and a lot of times my "cup" is empty. But when I think of everything I have given (and continue to give in spite of myself) it's really shitty to be ignored. Why do I bother trying to help anybody when it's not a two-way street? Do I even make a difference to anyone? If I just stopped posting would anyone even notice?



I imagine most of us have felt this way at one point or another. I know I have.






> But I don't have friends IRL who understand my anxiety disorder and I still care about the people here... So here I am anyway.



Indeed.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Humans are inherently selfish, but we're also capable of rising above it. Sometimes it feels like the people capable or willing to do so are the minority, but when we're at our lowest our perception of the world isn't exactly the most joyous so we're viewing it from a somewhat skewed viewpoint. As  
> @Skippy
>  said in his follow-up post, there are people out there who will offer support and understanding - at the very least in the form of lending an ear and perhaps some insight, if nothing else.
> 
> Let us also not forget that everyone has their own burdens which may interfere with their ability to support others even if they'd really like to. There have been times where I've seen a post I want to reply to and just feel too exhausted from my own bullshit to collect my thoughts into a coherent response or feel like I can even really be of any help if I did, which leads to me procrastinating and then eventually abandoning the idea. I feel a shitty every time that happens, because I know that it's disheartening and frustrating to feel like you're being ignored.
> 
> Additionally, despite having good intentions sometimes people just don't respond well to what you have to say. For example, in some situations you may have to tell someone something they don't want to hear in order to offer meaningful input and that's when it's especially likely you'll encounter a negative response. Conversely, there have been times where even something seemingly innocuous has also inspired a backlash. It can be rather discouraging and leave you feeling like you shouldn't even try.



I really like what you said here, my friend. It's really hard online sometimes because people can't tell if you're busy or like QuietCalamity said, "with an empty cup." When you're really down and need someone at that very moment, it can seem like the entire world abandoned you.............or doesn't want to be supportive. 

I've been there. It became a vicious circle...................I reached out...............nobody responded..............I felt unloved..............I pulled back...................I got angry....................I vowed to "never" reach out again...................I felt lonely. So rather than getting comfort, I hurt myself in the long run.

I've had to employ a self defense when that happens. 

When I need to be heard, I literally talk to myself. Or write. Or make a video for me. Or write poetry. Those things allow me to get my words out. 

The main thing is that I don't have to depend on someone to listen to me. I feel heard, understood and not so alone. 

I know what you mean though about wanting someone outside of yourself to listen. Sometimes though, it just ain't gonna happen in my world. The only person I can control in my life is me, so therefore, I'm the only one I can truly count on for support and comfort. 

At least that's worked for me. It might not be something you need though. 

 :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

> So I'm guessin' that's why ya got all pissed at me....
> I would never give my life to someone else in that fashion if I could; I just dun care enough anymore. Who did for me? Every one of em walked out.



I wasn't pissed. 

I was honest. 

People sometimes get those confused.  ::):   No worries.

----------


## Chantellabella

My oldest cat, Gumbeaux if very very sick.  ::(:   I'm not sure if he's going to pull through.

----------


## Skippy

> Humans are inherently selfish, but we're also capable of rising above it. Sometimes it feels like the people capable or willing to do so are the minority, but when we're at our lowest our perception of the world isn't exactly the most joyous so we're viewing it from a somewhat skewed viewpoint. As  @Skippy said in his follow-up post, there are people out there who will offer support and understanding - at the very least in the form of lending an ear and perhaps some insight, if nothing else.
> 
> Let us also not forget that everyone has their own burdens which may interfere with their ability to support others even if they'd really like to. There have been times where I've seen a post I want to reply to and just feel too exhausted from my own bullshit to collect my thoughts into a coherent response or feel like I can even really be of any help if I did, which leads to me procrastinating and then eventually abandoning the idea. I feel a shitty every time that happens, because I know that it's disheartening and frustrating to feel like you're being ignored.
> 
> Additionally, despite having good intentions sometimes people just don't respond well to what you have to say. For example, in some situations you may have to tell someone something they don't want to hear in order to offer meaningful input and that's when it's especially likely you'll encounter a negative response. Conversely, there have been times where even something seemingly innocuous has also inspired a backlash. It can be rather discouraging and leave you feeling like you shouldn't even try.



Well, for me I just couldn't carer less about people no more. Well, I should remain my ol' self but people reaaaaally have to prove to me they worth my time; I was just tired of getting screwed over in pretty nasty ways.
I was used to the fact no one was there for me when I needed anyone and now it reaaaally dun matter. 
I don't need anyone. I never did, and I was foolish to believe that people are anything more than out for themselves. That's ok, though.
I succeeded in my joy with music and became a real musician, so i'll hold on to that. 

It's like what I tell people about SA: You ether take power from others, or they take it from you. SA people freely give that  power to others and allow them to intimidate.
I would never so much as allow that on me. If someone wants to negatively judge me, watch it.....cuz I seriously and brutally kick the [BEEP] of anyone who makes me feel like shit. But what im sayin' is sad but true, the world is an 'every man for himself' kinda place and I really wish it wasn't.

I hate devoting my time to ppl I care about only for them to [BEEP] off in a "I was just using you" sorta way.

I really dun mean to sound liek such an ass......but i just got tired of a lotta stuff tahts been weighing me down for 14 years. LAWL

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> I really dun mean to sound liek such an ass......but i just got tired of a lotta stuff tahts been weighing me down for 14 years. LAWL



Cynical and world weary perhaps, but it not like an ass. Given some of the hardships you've faced recently and shared on this forum along with whatever else may be in your past, it's understandable. I hope things improve for you in the future.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> My oldest cat, Gumbeaux if very very sick.   I'm not sure if he's going to pull through.



Awww, I hope your kitty feelts better soon  ::(:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I found out that he may have that fip virus. He's been vaccinated his whole life, but he may have contracted it as a kitten either before or after the shelter. That would explain the 3 upper respiratory infections and now the mouth infection in the last 6 months. 
> 
> It can't be cured. Just the symptoms can be treated. I took off work today to take him to the vet again and they gave him fluids, a steroid shot, a stronger antibiotic and pain medicine. I just need to get him to eat and drink water. 
> 
> Gumbeaux is like my soul mate. I got him for my 25th wedding anniversary and he's been my friend for the past 10 years. Everybody in my old neighborhood and now in my new neighborhood love him. He acts like a dog. I used to bring him to my library and he would hang out with all the patrons. He came with me everywhere and wouldn't even need a leash. He just followed me like a dog......to the eye doctor, to therapy, to the park, to the beach. He just walks right next to me and comes when I call him. 
> 
> It's so hard to see him so sick.



I bet..  ::(:  Try to offer him food and water every hour you can. If he isn't eating or drinking, you might have to force feed a table spoon of wet food and water an hour down. Syringe feeding will prob help him a lot.

----------


## QuietCalamity

> I found out that he may have that fip virus. He's been vaccinated his whole life, but he may have contracted it as a kitten either before or after the shelter. That would explain the 3 upper respiratory infections and now the mouth infection in the last 6 months. 
> 
> It can't be cured. Just the symptoms can be treated. I took off work today to take him to the vet again and they gave him fluids, a steroid shot, a stronger antibiotic and pain medicine. I just need to get him to eat and drink water. 
> 
> Gumbeaux is like my soul mate. I got him for my 25th wedding anniversary and he's been my friend for the past 10 years. Everybody in my old neighborhood and now in my new neighborhood love him. He acts like a dog. I used to bring him to my library and he would hang out with all the patrons. He came with me everywhere and wouldn't even need a leash. He just followed me like a dog......to the eye doctor, to therapy, to the park, to the beach. He just walks right next to me and comes when I call him. 
> 
> It's so hard to see him so sick.



I'm so sorry, Cindy.  ::(:  Gumbeaux sounds like an amazing cat.  :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

> I'm so sorry, Cindy.  Gumbeaux sounds like an amazing cat.



Yeah, he's special. Ever since he was a kitten he's slept on my head across my pillow. If I wake up with a nightmare or cry, he wraps his paw around my hand like he's holding it.

----------


## Koalafan

> Yeah, he's special. Ever since he was a kitten he's slept on my head across my pillow. If I wake up with a nightmare or cry, he wraps his paw around my hand like he's holding it.



I'm so sorry Cindy  ::(:  a koala hug for you and kitty  :Hug:   :koala:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Yeah, he's special. Ever since he was a kitten he's slept on my head across my pillow. If I wake up with a nightmare or cry, he wraps his paw around my hand like he's holding it.



Sending prayers to your kitty  :Hug:

----------


## Misssy

At work there is a charity case publicity stunt that the company does.

The president or someone that is on the upstairs floor in big private offices has seen this family in news broadcasts. The family that is in the news broadcasts already has had all lots of things given to them. The family has a place to live and everything like that. 

I found out that one of my co-workers is sleeping in her car at night, found this out through a manager where I work. It's winter and it is cold. 

So I made an anonymous statement to whomever reads the statements at work that I thought it was deeply ironic that one of my co-workers is living in her car and the company is sponsoring some family that none of us even know-- and the family hasn't done anything for the company. 

I said it in kind of a dirty way too. It wasn't a very nice way that I said it. It just goes to show how removed that the wealthy people are in a corporation from the unwealthy people, they have no clue and do not care. 

I am paranoid that they know who submitted the statement. I think I wrote if after I had a rather annoying conversation with one of the managers where I work. Oh well. Things like this eat at me. The two-faced fakeness that makes up million dollar businesses.

probably I wouldn't care only that I get an email every single day at work about the good deed that the company is doing, cant they get on with the good deed, why does it last for days on end

----------


## Ironman

Gumbeaux is a cute name.  Louisiana and all  ::): .

----------


## Chantellabella

> Gumbeaux is a cute name.  Louisiana and all .



Thanks. All my cats have had Louisiana names except SkippyJon and his brother YingYang.  ::):

----------


## L

I said no to a house party because I wouldn't know people....ironic as I am trying to met new people....UGH!!!!

----------


## L

> At work there is a charity case publicity stunt that the company does.
> 
> The president or someone that is on the upstairs floor in big private offices has seen this family in news broadcasts. The family that is in the news broadcasts already has had all lots of things given to them. The family has a place to live and everything like that. 
> 
> I found out that one of my co-workers is sleeping in her car at night, found this out through a manager where I work. It's winter and it is cold. 
> 
> So I made an anonymous statement to whomever reads the statements at work that I thought it was deeply ironic that one of my co-workers is living in her car and the company is sponsoring some family that none of us even know-- and the family hasn't done anything for the company. 
> 
> I said it in kind of a dirty way too. It wasn't a very nice way that I said it. It just goes to show how removed that the wealthy people are in a corporation from the unwealthy people, they have no clue and do not care. 
> ...



I agree with what you did!

----------


## Chantellabella

I put Gumbeaux to sleep tonight. He was just too sick and in pain. He wouldn't eat or drink.  ::(:  

I didn't want him to die here. 

 I miss him.  ::(:

----------


## L

> I put Gumbeaux to sleep tonight. He was just too sick and in pain. He wouldn't eat or drink.  
> 
> I didn't want him to die here. 
> 
>  I miss him.



I'm so sorry sweety - you did what was best for him, doesn't make it easier. Be strong xx

----------


## QuietCalamity

> I put Gumbeaux to sleep tonight. He was just too sick and in pain. He wouldn't eat or drink.  
> 
> I didn't want him to die here. 
> 
>  I miss him.



So sorry for your loss.  :Hug:   :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

> So sorry for your loss.







> I'm so sorry sweety - you did what was best for him, doesn't make it easier. Be strong xx



Thank you ladies.  :Hug: 

I really miss him.  ::(:  He loved to go outside. He knew so many words. And somehow knew exactly what I said. Out of all of my cats, he was the smartest, the one who seemed to completely understand me, and the one who communicated all the time with me. Whenever I went outside, he was right there with me. He was one of my best friends.  ::(:

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> I put Gumbeaux to sleep tonight. He was just too sick and in pain. He wouldn't eat or drink.  
> 
> I didn't want him to die here. 
> 
>  I miss him.




It's always hard to lose a beloved pet, you have my condolences.

----------


## Rawr

The Pharmacist I often see at my CVS is cyber bullying me on Facebook about my mental disorders cause she knows what medicine I take so yeah. She was a friend of my mother's & my ex boyfriend's best friend. All I said was that I've never really liked her cause she's really negative & always posts bad about people on her Facebook without tagging them. Well I finally deleted her myself & now she wont stop posting statuses about me & she's picking at me having mental disorders. Now I'm scared to get my medicine filled.

----------


## L

> The Pharmacist I often see at my CVS is cyber bullying me on Facebook about my mental disorders cause she knows what medicine I take so yeah. She was a friend of my mother's & my ex boyfriend's best friend. All I said was that I've never really liked her cause she's really negative & always posts bad about people on her Facebook without tagging them. Well I finally deleted her myself & now she wont stop posting statuses about me & she's picking at me having mental disorders. Now I'm scared to get my medicine filled.




WHAT, this has me really angry....your pharmacist, can you report this somehow. That is very privileged information that that person has, it could be classed as breaking the law....

----------


## QuietCalamity

> The Pharmacist I often see at my CVS is cyber bullying me on Facebook about my mental disorders cause she knows what medicine I take so yeah. She was a friend of my mother's & my ex boyfriend's best friend. All I said was that I've never really liked her cause she's really negative & always posts bad about people on her Facebook without tagging them. Well I finally deleted her myself & now she wont stop posting statuses about me & she's picking at me having mental disorders. Now I'm scared to get my medicine filled.







> WHAT, this has me really angry....your pharmacist, can you report this somehow. That is very privileged information that that person has, it could be classed as breaking the law....



Uh yeah that is DEFINITELY a HIPAA violation, so she is absolutely breaking the law. If you can screen cap or somehow show those posts to the pharm manager, do it immediately. For yourself and for everyone else that monster talks about.

----------


## Chantellabella

> The Pharmacist I often see at my CVS is cyber bullying me on Facebook about my mental disorders cause she knows what medicine I take so yeah. She was a friend of my mother's & my ex boyfriend's best friend. All I said was that I've never really liked her cause she's really negative & always posts bad about people on her Facebook without tagging them. Well I finally deleted her myself & now she wont stop posting statuses about me & she's picking at me having mental disorders. Now I'm scared to get my medicine filled.



lasair and Cal are right. Take a screen shot and bring it to the manager. If the manager doesn't do anything, find your state medical board and file a complaint. If you need help, pm me and I'll help you find where to file the complaint.

----------


## Chantellabella

I feel out of sorts. Just grieving I guess. I just wanted to stay home today from work. And tomorrow too. 

I'm looking forward to having many days off and just hanging out doing my hobbies.

----------


## Rawr

Thanks everyone! Well so far since my mother has messaged her she has stopped but I'll take a screenshot since it's still there.

----------


## L

Oh oh oh here they come, the holiday tears, working Christmas night was more fun than this.....fuck it, I'm not coming home for new years.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Oh oh oh here they come, the holiday tears, working Christmas night was more fun than this.....fuck it, I'm not coming home for new years.



I'm sorry.  ::(:  

 :Hug:

----------


## L

> I'm sorry.



Oh don't be - it was to be expected, a little bit of me thinks my mother will change every year but it doesn't happen. I couldn't have made it home for new years even if I wanted to, finished work at 8 and was asleep by 10, woke to 2 missed calls and fireworks. I was happy out to sleep it. Hope your Saturday was good  ::):

----------


## Chantellabella

> Oh don't be - it was to be expected, a little bit of me thinks my mother will change every year but it doesn't happen. I couldn't have made it home for new years even if I wanted to, finished work at 8 and was asleep by 10, woke to 2 missed calls and fireworks. I was happy out to sleep it. Hope your Saturday was good



Last Saturday was awesome with my kids here. Thanks!  ::):  

I spent the first day of 2015, sitting cozy warm in my house while it rained. I read books and played scrabble on my tablet. It was nice to enjoy my life for a change.  ::):  

I mean I enjoy what I do, but between working, doing house stuff, having people over and taking care of cats, it was nice to say "Oh hell, I ain't doing anything today." For me, that's a big change for my life. I'm the person who must be doing constructive stuff 24/7.

----------


## Hexagon

I don't know why I bother trying anymore. I feel so trapped, I'm just stuck here.. rotting away, slowly, day by day. Nobody cares, clearly my life isn't worth help. I tried reaching out to a "friend" three days ago, and he told me to admit my suicidal feelings and to seek help. What help that was, except I don't even know what I'm looking for. I just want to die. Make this nightmare end already.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Whenever I say something I always regret it afterwards; maybe I should just stop trying to say anything at all.

----------


## Chantellabella

I feel very very anxious. It's like I'm really on edge and a tad confused. 

Maybe I need sleep.

----------


## Otherside

I wish people would just tell me things. 

I mean, sure, I get it, you're worried it's gonna upset me, ecetra ectra. But I just don't like it when people hide things from me _for that reason_. Everyones done that for way to long. I'm sick of it. Just tell me things instead of hiding them.

----------


## QuietCalamity

Staying home from work due to weather makes me feel SO anxious and guilty and worthless. But driving in bad weather makes me even more anxious. It's a lose-lose.

----------


## L

my mother

----------


## GunnyHighway

I'm so nervous about tomorrow that my stomach is churning and I feel like throwing up. Fuuuuck. This is supposed to be a fun party, but my mind won't take it that way.

----------


## Hexagon

I've been stuck in a rut for three days now and all I feel like doing is sleeping.

----------


## GunnyHighway

> I'm so nervous about tomorrow that my stomach is churning and I feel like throwing up. Fuuuuck. This is supposed to be a fun party, but my mind won't take it that way.



Looks like my body already knew I was going to fail horribly tonight. I left the party without saying bye to most people. I just want to break down and cry. I'm such a sad excuse of a man.

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

Mother-Fucking dick suck [BEEP] fucking [BEEP] fuckity [BEEP] fucker fucking [BEEP] fuckers
I have a fucking F in math class because my fucking fucking fucking fucker of a teacher fucking can't teach for fucking shit. FUCK. Then I have all this fucking essay for math. A FUCKING ESSAY FOR MATH. Coupled with a bunch of fucking quizzes and [BEEP] for that classes and tests for other fucking classes and other fucking [BEEP] I HATE THIS MONTH. I can't fucking wait for it to fucking be fucking over.

----------


## nothing

I'm reading and posting here again, this means I've pretty much given up. I tried to live, I couldn't do it, it wasn't worth the trouble.

----------


## Chantellabella

Ok. Guys shoot up my shed.
Then guys continue to shoot up my shed.
Finally I get them charged.
NOW they're apologetic to the point of harassing me. 
Get this.
They come to my door trying to bribe me with money to settle
Then they leave me a letter in my mail asking to settle.

Their reason? "Court would only take up time they don't have." AND "we want to *maintain a* *good* relationship with our neighbors." 

Um.  :Eyebrow: 

Obviously their definition of a "good relationship" entails shooting at their neighbors. 

As for the taking up their precious time...................... Let's look at how much extra time I had to take in therapy dealing with full blown PTSD again. 

Aww. They are such victims. WAH WAH WAH! 

 :Rofl:

----------


## merc

They come to my door trying to bribe me with money to settle
Then they leave me a letter in my mail asking to settle.

Their reason? "Court would only take up time they don't have." AND "we want to *maintain a* *good* relationship with our neighbors." 

Um.  :Eyebrow: 

Obviously their definition of a "good relationship" entails shooting at their neighbors. 

It's seems as though you are having it a bit rough. I have a neighbor who kind of snubbed me, badmouthed me for several years because we called the police because her son and friend decided to race their cars around her house, kids crying her screaming, then out and around the neighborhood
spinning wheels leaving great big tire tracks everywhere. 

I think this also contributed to my anxiety because whenever, I went outside she would say something obnoxious about me that  I could hear. I ignored her and said nothing to anyone, I mean anyone about the incident. She has later tried to befriend me and I was polite but I can't. I'm polite when I see her, but distant.

----------


## Otherside

> Ok. Guys shoot up my shed.
> Then guys continue to shoot up my shed.
> Finally I get them charged.
> NOW they're apologetic to the point of harassing me. 
> Get this.
> They come to my door trying to bribe me with money to settle
> Then they leave me a letter in my mail asking to settle.
> 
> Their reason? "Court would only take up time they don't have." AND "we want to *maintain a* *good* relationship with our neighbors." 
> ...



They want to maintain good relationships with there neighbours...oh wow, they sure did show they did. Some people.

People suddenly wanna get friendly and apologetic when, forgive the French, "shit gets real."

Sorry you had to deal with that, friend.

----------


## Chantellabella

> They want to maintain good relationships with there neighbours...oh wow, they sure did show they did. Some people.
> 
> People suddenly wanna get friendly and apologetic when, forgive the French, "shit gets real."
> 
> Sorry you had to deal with that, friend.



Yeah. I love the word "maintain." Before this happened, I didn't even know they were back there. 

What gets my goat is that they tell me they are full time students who work. Um. Yeah, the rest of us in the world are busy too with jobs, school, life. Gee, I wish they had been more responsible. 

Sigh *rolls eyes*

Talk about spoiled rotten brats. They weren't too busy for target practice.  ::\: 

So often people think they can shirk responsibility by just bribing people to take a few bucks and keep quiet.

On a different note. Your little blue guy is cold. Aren't you guys ever going to warm up there? He makes me cold just looking at him.  ::):

----------


## Otherside

> Yeah. I love the word "maintain." Before this happened, I didn't even know they were back there. 
> 
> What gets my goat is that they tell me they are full time students who work. Um. Yeah, the rest of us in the world are busy too with jobs, school, life. Gee, I wish they had been more responsible. 
> 
> Sigh *rolls eyes*
> 
> Talk about spoiled rotten brats. They weren't too busy for target practice. 
> 
> So often people think they can shirk responsibility by just bribing people to take a few bucks and keep quiet.
> ...



Ugh, my generation? Why does that not surprise me at all.

And it was -5 this morning. True, not cold compared to some places but god it was absolutley bloody freezing this morning!

----------


## L

My new counsellor can read me like a book, I have a lot of work to do. I find it so hard to focus on myself, be open and honest - but I'n going to try real hard

----------


## Wanda

I have had a super hard day anxiety wise. Now I have get the kids from daycare and slap on a happy face until I can get them to bed when I can fall apart again.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I finally thought I might be going somewhere. Might be doing something right. 

Yet here I sit, absolutely tearing myself down and demolishing any sense of self worth I have. I have absolutely no reason to have expected anything good to come out of this. She's beautiful. She makes a lot more money than I do. She has friends spanning the globe. She has mentioned stuff about previous partners in detail. What the [BEEP] is my poor, lonely, virgin self expecting to pull out of this. I feel like every day I just rip myself apart more and more as I realize how ridiculously far I am out of my comfort zone and league.

----------


## Misssy

Wow New Years feels like it was ages ago

----------


## Wanda

> Wow New Years feels like it was ages ago



Seriously!  It should be like June by now, right?

----------


## Misssy

what is bothering me is I have to wait for my brownies to finish cooking and cool slightly before I can PIG OUT

----------


## L

Don't want to go to work but too afraid to ring in sick

----------


## Misssy

Customer at work was big jerk. Was just trying to help him, requires me to get the most basic information from him. I needed his shipping address so we can make sure we send his package to the right place. I needed his billing address so I can make sure the purchase is process completely or else he will not get his item. And lastly needed him to tell me his credit card info. 

He was so argumentative in just giving his billing and ship to address that I had to place him on hold for 2-3 mins while I paced up and down the office isle for a while just trying to GET AWAY from him. Went back to my desk to finish the job. Moved onto his credit card stuff, finished and then hung up very quickly. He asked me WHY I put him on hold. Obviously it was because he was being an AHOLE.   I didn't answer him and hung up.   I Dont often write on someone's account that they are rude but I did write it on his. I said this customer was so RUDE in me just trying to confirm his address info. 

I am having a beer and will be heating up a frozen pizza and then going to sleep I guess.

----------


## L

Going through a bad period - think it because I am talking and becoming aware of my faults again  ::(:  don't want to feel depressed

----------


## Misssy

My stomach hurts today, I think from drinking coffee.

----------


## Otherside

Scared I'm getting sick again. I wanna burst into tears and I don't know why. I just feel nothing. Why did I even try to be.normal? Why.did I try to cope when I'm just.a [BEEP] up with.a brain that.won't.function. I just.can't.find it.in me.to care about.continuing with normality. Why bother? Why even try?

----------


## Chantellabella

> Scared I'm getting sick again. I wanna burst into tears and I don't know why. I just feel nothing. Why did I even try to be.normal? Why.did I try to cope when I'm just.a [BEEP] up with.a brain that.won't.function. I just.can't.find it.in me.to care about.continuing with normality. Why bother? Why even try?



Hang in there, my friend.  :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

I really hate immaturity. It's not cute. It just makes the immature people look stupid.

----------


## Koalafan

My crushing loneliness

----------


## QuietCalamity

> My crushing loneliness



 :Hug:

----------


## Koalafan

> 



Thank you!  :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

> Going through a bad period - think it because I am talking and becoming aware of my faults again  don't want to feel depressed



Can you term them "eccentricities" or "quirks" rather than "faults?" Sometimes if we re-frame ourselves in a positive light rather than a negative one, we can be less harsh on ourselves. I know I'm my worst critic.

----------


## Chantellabella

> My crushing loneliness



 :Hug:  Sweetie, you're not alone here. You know we all love you.

----------


## Koalafan

> Sweetie, you're not alone here. You know we all love you.



Aww and I love you guys too!!!  ::D:   :Hug:

----------


## nothing

The fact that I'm a complete failure and will always be miserable, that's bothering me. What the [BEEP] else is new? Doesn't matter what I do, it never gets better in any way. Never will.

 :thanks:  :banana guy:

----------


## Chantellabella

Not about anyone presently here.......

I think some people on this planet are utter assholes. You know the ones...... smart asses who think they are better than you.......the ones who think they're so cute when they say mean stupid idiotic things to others.

Quite delusional. Guess they're making up for their failures. I'm sure there's many.

Baby, all it does is make you look like a fool. But of course I already knew that you were a fool before you blasted it across cyberspace.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I just extremely drunkenly confessed the fact that I wanted to do dirty things to a woman. Why the [BEEP] did I do that. She obviously said no.

----------


## QuietCalamity

THEY PUT THE PACKING SLIP ON THE OUTSIDE. WHY???  ::!:   :Ninja:

----------


## L

> THEY PUT THE PACKING SLIP ON THE OUTSIDE. WHY???




Oh my gosh, I wouldn't be happy about this

----------


## QuietCalamity

> Oh my gosh, I wouldn't be happy about this



I am for sure giving them some feedback about this. I. am. mortified.

And I just remembered Tim's dad was here to pick up tools from the barn this morning. Sometimes he checks our mailbox because his family still gets things sent here and we just leave it in there for them if we won't see them. Aaahhhhhh FML I am going to cry.

----------


## Chantellabella

> I am for sure giving them some feedback about this. I. am. mortified.
> 
> And I just remembered Tim's dad was here to pick up tools from the barn this morning. Sometimes he checks our mailbox because his family still gets things sent here and we just leave it in there for them if we won't see them. Aaahhhhhh FML I am going to cry.



 :Hug:  Yeah, they screwed up big time.

----------


## L

I'm allergic to mums dog.....this is so sad

----------


## L

> I am for sure giving them some feedback about this. I. am. mortified.
> 
> And I just remembered Tim's dad was here to pick up tools from the barn this morning. Sometimes he checks our mailbox because his family still gets things sent here and we just leave it in there for them if we won't see them. Aaahhhhhh FML I am going to cry.



Id make a personal complaint, more than a review and see what they are going to do about it. Does it say anywhere that they are meant to keep what's in the package confidential???

----------


## QuietCalamity

> Id make a personal complaint, more than a review and see what they are going to do about it. Does it say anywhere that they are meant to keep what's in the package confidential???



I actually did end up doing that and this is the response I got:
"Thank you for sending in your concern. Your feedback will certainly help in improving our business. Rest assured that your feedback / comment will be communicated to the concerned manufacturing partners/ management team. Again, we apologize for any inconvenience. Please rest assured we are working around the clock to deliver you unbelievable deals and make sure your nomorerack experience is always amazing.

If there is anything further I can do to assist you please let me know. At Nomorerack, customer satisfaction is our main goal."

And no, that's not the auto response you get 30 sec after you send them an email. Sorry, my rest is NOT assured. They didn't even offer me a coupon. I have ordered from them quite a bit and never (in any of my online shopping experience actually) has the order slip been on the outside of the package. No matter what it is, that's a dumb thing to do because someone sorting/delivering mail could like the item or its value and decide that package will get "lost.".

I want to respond but I don't know what to say.

----------


## Koalafan

Bah my TMJ has been acting up really bad the past week. Nuts to jaw problems!!

----------


## Otherside

I am feeling out of control again. I keep getting overly down about something minor. My mood is going south. People ask me whats up with it. And I don't have an answer because I just don't know. 

I just don't know what to say. I hurt people because of this. I can't keep on like this.

----------


## Hexagon

Why do I even bother with anyone anymore.

----------


## QuietCalamity

Struggling with SI urges. I can't believe I forgot to turn in that assignment AGAIN. My prof could legit fail me. I have no excuses. I'm just the worst.

----------


## Koalafan

I have zero motivation to do anything but sleep . I feel like I'm on autopilot the whole day.

----------


## QuietCalamity

I'm so anxious I'm going to barf. I wish I had meds. I missed my dr appt on Friday because my car broke down and they wouldn't reschedule me. Now it's 4months for a new doc. 

I just cannot function without meds. Ugggggghhhhhh.

----------


## Chantellabella

Lots of aches and pains. I've been feeling my age a lot lately.

----------


## L

Just got some news that makes me want to run away with my boyfriend, get married and never come home again.....shit is about to go down at hone and I don't want to be part of it....i have 6 weeks to prepare....

----------


## Earthquake

I know that tomorrow is going to be frustrating, and I'm probably going to end up spending too much money, assuming I get a chance to go out.

Also, two of my roommates are having a repetitive conversation that I disliked even before they started repeating themselves.

Now it's almost 11pm and these women are still conversing, loudly, and have all the lights on. No consideration for others. This is driving me crazy.

----------


## Koalafan

Ive got a koala cold  ::(:  just feel icky.

----------


## L

Throwing a party at work today....wonder how this is going to go down eeeeekkkk

----------


## Chantellabella

> Throwing a party at work today....wonder how this is going to go down eeeeekkkk



Keep breathing and you'll be fine.  :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

> Ive got a koala cold  just feel icky.



 ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## L

> Keep breathing and you'll be fine.



It was a major hit  ::):

----------


## Chantellabella

It's a long story, but I can't deal with what's happened over the weekend. When it involves children, I just can't deal with it. I'm so overwhelmed with emotion that I need to just scream and cry and just shout "GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  I'm so overwhelmed. I cannot save the planet. I just can't. Why can't the world understand that? I can't. Please don't use children to play on my sympathy. It's not fair.

----------


## compulsive

I can't tell if what i feeling is paranoid thoughts or just plain reality. Honestly im continuing knowing that im going to fail.

----------


## L

Oh shoot me please

----------


## L

> tired, tired, tired.  I don't know if it's the aftereffects of this nasty cold I had, but I feel like a zombie.




Hope you're feeling better

----------


## L

I need more confidence in me

----------


## Otherside

I think idiots on the internet may have once again caused a rise in blood pressure. 

Fucking hell, why is the internet filled with obnoxious entitled teenagers who don't have a clue about [BEEP]? 

(No, not anyone on here...)

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Being sick sucks.

----------


## Earthquake

Having no private place to go at the moment. Or ever, really.

----------


## Earthquake

There was a very interesting and important story on the news, and naturally, everyone here would rather watch overrated fictional bullshit than to actually pay a moment of attention to the world around them. *sighs*

----------


## compulsive

I couldnt even make it through the whole day without leaving

----------


## Chantellabella

I'm really run down from the pace at work. I know when I'm burning out because I start to resent things. So today I went in and told my boss I needed some help with some of my tasks. I was pretty surprised when a couple of co-workers took over some of my tasks. We were even short handed today. that helped a lot. It let me complete a few things.

----------


## Otherside

Okay, this is going to sound really stupid. Honestly, I'm not interested in "well that's life". Yes, I know that. I'm not a kid, for fucks sake. Hey, welcome to "what's bothering you". 

I'm worried as [BEEP] about the workload I've had dumped on me. Ive got too much I need to get done. And I can't I just can't. 

I'm gonna have to ask for an extension and I'm scared. Or something. I've not been sleeping and everything is starting to become loud in my head. As the workload piles up, so does the stress and so do the thoughts. Once again, focusing is an issue. I can't sit still. My meds are being arses and I feel unwell, warped out, and u can't stop bloody shaking!!!

God, I had better not be going manic again.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Okay, this is going to sound really stupid. Honestly, I'm not interested in "well that's life". Yes, I know that. I'm not a kid, for fucks sake. Hey, welcome to "what's bothering you". 
> 
> I'm worried as [BEEP] about the workload I've had dumped on me. Ive got too much I need to get done. And I can't I just can't. 
> 
> I'm gonna have to ask for an extension and I'm scared. Or something. I've not been sleeping and everything is starting to become loud in my head. As the workload piles up, so does the stress and so do the thoughts. Once again, focusing is an issue. I can't sit still. My meds are being arses and I feel unwell, warped out, and u can't stop bloody shaking!!!
> 
> God, I had better not be going manic again.



 :Hug:  Not stupid at all. It sounds like burnout which I know very well. It's tough asking for help and I actually just did it the other day for the first time ever. And yeah, it makes you crazy like that. 

Sweetie, don't ever say your thoughts are stupid. They aren't.  :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

Finding (once again) that people get mad at me easily...

----------


## Chantellabella

It's been cold and raining on the days I'm off and beautiful on the days I work!!! I need to get the cats outside so they can stop trashing my house while I work. I also need to finish painting my balconies and porch.

----------


## L

I didn't sleep very well and not I have a fitness test

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

Have you ever had that dream where you don't study for a test and when you're taking it, you don't know jack squat on how to answer the question? Well I just lived that. 132 point math test and I'll be lucky if I somehow got 50 points on it. Oh bother. At least my grades in my other classes are good (all A's and an 89.28% what up!)

----------


## L

the roof of my mouth hurts

----------


## Otherside

> Have you ever had that dream where you don't study for a test and when you're taking it, you don't know jack squat on how to answer the question? Well I just lived that. 132 point math test and I'll be lucky if I somehow got 50 points on it. Oh bother. At least my grades in my other classes are good (all A's and an 89.28% what up!)



Yeah, lived through that too. I got over cocky and confident about a test and convinced myself I didn't need to revise much...or at all.

Needless to say, it didn't feel that way at the test.

----------


## SmileyFace

People have been rather snarky towards me lately.

I don't know if it's my pms or what. Been offended easily. Time of the month is around the corner anyway. But still... the emotional roller-coaster sucks.

Don't appreciate the asshole comments towards me. Don't like it when people act like they know whats best for me... and they're not any better themselves.

----------


## life

is the path ive chosen, the right one :/

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I have what I guess is a sore muscle (or something) in my neck below my chin on the left side but close to the middle of my throat. Noticed there is a small lump there, definitely visible and obvious to touch. Wondering if that's just part of my neck that happens to be sore for reasons A through Z that a neck could be sore oooor something else. See, I don't often randomly feel up my neck so I don't know what's outside of the norm and what isn't. I'm sure it's nothing and will go away within a few days, but still. I've got so much weird [BEEP] going on lately it's got me worried. And my family is notorious for having undiagnosable problems I just don't want any more health issues. That would be super. 

Uughhh can't stop touching the lump it's weird. [BEEP] is that my neck or some growth? I'm not a hypochondriac by a long shot but I'm still worried.

----------


## Sagan

My sister in jail  ::(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I have what I guess is a sore muscle (or something) in my neck below my chin on the left side but close to the middle of my throat. Noticed there is a small lump there, definitely visible and obvious to touch. Wondering if that's just part of my neck that happens to be sore for reasons A through Z that a neck could be sore oooor something else. See, I don't often randomly feel up my neck so I don't know what's outside of the norm and what isn't. I'm sure it's nothing and will go away within a few days, but still. I've got so much weird [BEEP] going on lately it's got me worried. And my family is notorious for having undiagnosable problems I just don't want any more health issues. That would be super. 
> 
> Uughhh can't stop touching the lump it's weird. [BEEP] is that my neck or some growth? I'm not a hypochondriac by a long shot but I'm still worried.



Edit: two lumps. I'm going to try to get in to the duty clinic tomorrow. I didn't think they were that bad until I snapped a picture to show my sister. The main lump especially looks fairly sizeable D: so...really, this happened in like 48 hrs?

----------


## Otherside

> Edit: two lumps. I'm going to try to get in to the duty clinic tomorrow. I didn't think they were that bad until I snapped a picture to show my sister. The main lump especially looks fairly sizeable D: so...really, this happened in like 48 hrs?



I'd go see the doctor about that. Hopefully, everything turns out okay for you.  :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Edit: two lumps. I'm going to try to get in to the duty clinic tomorrow. I didn't think they were that bad until I snapped a picture to show my sister. The main lump especially looks fairly sizeable D: so...really, this happened in like 48 hrs?



I hope it's nothing to worry about. Please keep us updated  :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

woke up with a cough this morning... faaaack I can't get sick now!! I have important things to get done over the next few days..

----------


## Member11

Pain, and a lot of it  ::'(:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Pain, and a lot of it



What's going on jerry?  ::(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I'd go see the doctor about that. Hopefully, everything turns out okay for you.







> I hope it's nothing to worry about. Please keep us updated



 :Hug:  The doctor at the duty clinic said they were probably just swollen glands and would go away within a few weeks. One lump is still pretty prominent, but they did shrink some. I'm sure it's nothing, I'd just never had anything like that happen before. The perks of being housebound and a bit OCD about hand washing is you don't get sick very often.  :Tongue: 

I hope your cough is gone by now, Kirse.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> The doctor at the duty clinic said they were probably just swollen glands and would go away within a few weeks. One lump is still pretty prominent, but they did shrink some. I'm sure it's nothing, I'd just never had anything like that happen before. The perks of being housebound and a bit OCD about hand washing is you don't get sick very often. 
> 
> I hope your cough is gone by now, Kirse.



Oh that's good news, Illusion! Phew!  ::): 
My cough isn't gone yet but at least it hasn't gotten worse.. But thanks  :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

I really hate my hair right now. It looks like shit. I really need to get a haircut asap

----------


## Otherside

It's Monday morning, my head hurts, and it's a long day today.

----------


## Otherside

So a while back, I receive some text along the lines of "get ringtones at jamster, text stop." Reply with stop. 

Apparently, that meant send me even more spam, sometimes at stupid hours of the night, and charge me for the privilege. Regardless, didn't know I was being charged, thought it was just well...spam. 

So I get my phone bill, and a warning about overusage. Turns out there's a bunch of premium rate charges and I apparently signed up to some pay weekly subscription on there, totalling up to around Â£60. 

I spent most of last night arguing with both my provider and with jamster over getting a refund. Thankfully they have, I Googled them last night and turns out I'm not the only one who's had this. Apparently some people will insert a random number when signing up to.get the ringtones in hope of getting.them tor free.

Seriously though, how the heck can they just charge my phone without checking it's actually me signing up???

----------


## L

I hate people

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Is the city going to clean up the mess from the storm, or...? I can't even bus anywhere. I mean the buses are running, but I'd have to wait for one in the way of oncoming traffic. I was all ready to leave and then I saw what the bus shelter & surrounding area looked like from the top floor of my house. Nothanks. They must be slacking with the sidewalks because it's March break. The storm happened Wednesday. >.<
I fucking have things to do. This is such a convenient time to do said things because I'm off. But nooo. It's the first day of spring and I haven't seen this much snow in years.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Why must I be the guy who receives the amazing details of everyones' sex lives. Do you people think I'm gonna be proud of you because you're getting laid on a whim, while I can't even imagine it myself? Saying it as politely as possible, please [BEEP] off. It's like describing an amazing 3 course meal to someone who hasn't eaten in a week. You accomplish nothing but make me envious despite my best efforts not to...

----------


## Otherside

I feel like I need a warning sign. 

_Watch out. Woman on Period approaching. Highly advised you stay out of my way if you don't want to get your head bitten off._ 

Ugh, feel like crap.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I want to be more thankful and more forgiving. I don't like the person I am lately. I miss my personality. And to think - I was going to ask for _more_ meds. I'd be a zombie for sure.

----------


## Koalafan

> I want to be more thankful and more forgiving. I don't like the person I am lately. I miss my personality. And to think - I was going to ask for _more_ meds. I'd be a zombie for sure.



Hugs for Illusion. Trust me (and the rest of AS) that your personality is awesome and we wouldn't have ya any other way!!!  :Hug:   :koala: 

---------------------

My manager has turned in a raging psycho asshole. I've been employed at a movie theatre for the past year and a half and I know how to do my fucking job thank you. Mind you I do the cleaning of the auditoriums. Bathroom checks, take tickets, etc...He will literally watch us ushers as we clean the auditoriums (apparently having a team leader isn't enough for this douche) constantly criticize us when we miss little bit of popcorn, follow us around auditorium to auditorium. Check the bathrooms AFTER we check them. Write down stuff that we are constantly doing wrong. Sorry dude but [BEEP] you I can't do my job when you are literally stalking me and shitting on me.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Hugs for Illusion. Trust me (and the rest of AS) that your personality is awesome and we wouldn't have ya any other way!!! :



I second that  :Heart:   ::):

----------


## Kirsebaer

@Koalafan
 looks like I'm not the only one to have a crazy [BEEP] psycho for a manager :b stay strong  :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

So I've been told by a second GP in France that there's something wrong with my heart (probably a heart murmur) and that I should probably get it checked by a cardiologist  ::(:  I hope I haven't inherited my mom's heart condition...

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Hugs for Illusion. Trust me (and the rest of AS) that your personality is awesome and we wouldn't have ya any other way!!!  
> 
> ---------------------
> 
> My manager has turned in a raging psycho asshole. I've been employed at a movie theatre for the past year and a half and I know how to do my fucking job thank you. Mind you I do the cleaning of the auditoriums. Bathroom checks, take tickets, etc...He will literally watch us ushers as we clean the auditoriums (apparently having a team leader isn't enough for this douche) constantly criticize us when we miss little bit of popcorn, follow us around auditorium to auditorium. Check the bathrooms AFTER we check them. Write down stuff that we are constantly doing wrong. Sorry dude but [BEEP] you I can't do my job when you are literally stalking me and shitting on me.







> I second that



Thanks, you guys  ::):   :Hug: 

& Koala, I wouldn't be able to concentrate either if someone was watching me like a hawk. Creepy  ::\: . It's a movie theater not some luxurious resort. If he doesn't trust his employees to do their jobs right, he may as well just do them himself.

Kirse, keep us updated on your health okay?  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

> So I've been told by a second GP in France that there's something wrong with my heart (probably a heart murmur) and that I should probably get it checked by a cardiologist  I hope I haven't inherited my mom's heart condition...



Hey there. Hugs.  :Hug: I hope everything turns out okay for you.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Kirse, keep us updated on your health okay?



I will!





> Hey there. Hugs. I hope everything turns out okay for you.



thank you hun  :Hug:

----------


## Koalafan

> Thanks, you guys  
> 
> & Koala, I wouldn't be able to concentrate either if someone was watching me like a hawk. Creepy . It's a movie theater not some luxurious resort. If he doesn't trust his employees to do their jobs right, he may as well just do them himself.
> 
> Kirse, keep us updated on your health okay?




I know right! The guy has always been rather....erm...."vigilant" about his job but for [BEEP]'s sake this is a movie theatre and he's barely getting paid more than I am right now  :Tongue:  lol I actually rather enjoy working there and the people are really awesome so I really hope I don't get fired or have to find another job cause if I go back to school Im not sure if there's another job that offers the same flexibility that this one does  ::(: 



@Kirsebaer
 I really hope everything turns out okay Kirse!!  :Hug:  And yes let us know!!

----------


## Hexagon

I feel so alone and empty. 
My days consist of trying to pass the time, when I'm not in class I have to find ways to distract myself. I'm tired of the routine, tired of waking up, trying to find things to preoccupy myself, feeling like I'm digging myself deeper into the hole. Nobody cares enough to ask me if I'm okay. My "friends" don't care, they have more important things to tend to, and more important people in their lives. I haven't had a real conversation with anyone in what feels like an eternity. Music and books can't even soothe me at my most loneliest anymore. I can't find people to connect with, I can't find things to do. I'm hopeless.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

That feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. I don't know how to cope. My weekends have become an extension of my school week.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> That feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. I don't know how to cope. My weekends have become an extension of my school week.



 ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Anxietygirl

Hey all im new on here still trying to get use to everything

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Hey all im new on here still trying to get use to everything



Welcome to AxS!!  ::):

----------


## Anxietygirl

Thank you. It's nice to be able to finally talk to people that will understand me x

----------


## Otherside

Some guy offered me a job delivering catalogues, claiming "Â£20,000 a year!" if I handover a Â£100. I must have gulliable written on my head or something. Sounds too good to b true, and on further research, seems like a pyramid scheme. 

I really don't want to get involved in something like that, but it seems impolite to say no.

This seems like I should post it to r/britishproblems or something.

----------


## jenny0612

Once again im tired of being treated like [BEEP] at work .

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

One depressing week ends, another begins. I was hoping to spend time hanging out with someone I know this past weekend but it didn't happen—not unexpected, but disappointing nonetheless. It's always nice to have someone make you feel like you're not worth their time.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Missing my parents... Sometimes I wish they lived just a bus ride away from me...

----------


## Hexagon

I hate my life. I hate the pathetic life I've lived, and I haven't truly lived at all.

I wish I could vanish...

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I feel like the more I try to get to know people, the more they disappoint me. The first impressions are always pretty solid, but then I get to see their true colours. Trying not to let some bad experiences make me jaded.  ::\: 

There are exceptions, and I guess I need to hold onto the fact that those people exist. It's just hard going through the same [BEEP] all over again when I thought I was done with it in grade school. Maybe it's because the majority of my class consists of mostly younger girls. I don't know. It'll be over soon anyway.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I hate my life. I hate the pathetic life I've lived, and I haven't truly lived at all.
> 
> I wish I could vanish...



Please don't vanish  :Hug: 

I know the feeling. Not what you're feeling obviously, only you can feel that. But I know what not living feels like. It's the only reason birthdays bother me. Turning a year older. If I experienced life like a normal person, I'd have so much more accomplished by now. But as usual I'm galaxies away from everyone else. Ah well. I don't feel like I was meant to be "like everyone else".

----------


## sanspants

I feel like I'm going to get arrested in the two blocks between home and work. 

This is because I really may. I drove to work without a license, from my therapy appointment. Which I could only reach by driving....

And such is life.


Edit: Made it home...car parked for a long time. WHEW  ::D:

----------


## shyVr6

Sorry, but the world doesn't revolve around you. I don't think about you at all except when I have to talk to you so you can kindly [BEEP] off. Douche.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Why Is it impossible for me to make friends? By friends I mean close friends. Whenever I meet someone who I feel comfortable hanging out with and who I could be friends with, the feeling is never reciprocated at the same level. That includes online acquaintances too. It's really frustrating. How does everyone else manage to make friends so easiy? It blows my mind.. I'm probably a very boring, uninteresting person or I give off a weird vibe I'm unaware of.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> Why Is it impossible for me to make friends? By friends I mean close friends. Whenever I meet someone who I feel comfortable hanging out with and who I could be friends with, the feeling is never reciprocated at the same level. That includes online acquaintances too. It's really frustrating. How does everyone else manage to make friends so easiy? It blows my mind.. I'm probably a very boring, uninteresting person or I give off a weird vibe I'm unaware of.



This tends to be my experience as well—it's rather disheartening.

----------


## 1

Nothing

----------


## Hexagon

> Please don't vanish 
> 
> I know the feeling. Not what you're feeling obviously, only you can feel that. But I know what not living feels like. It's the only reason birthdays bother me. Turning a year older. If I experienced life like a normal person, I'd have so much more accomplished by now. But as usual I'm galaxies away from everyone else. Ah well. I don't feel like I was meant to be "like everyone else".



My birthday was this past Thursday and all I could feel was dread and disheartenment. I continue to get older chronologically, but I'm stuck in the same place I've been in for years. It's inevitable that I'm going to feel worthless if I compare myself to others...I feel galaxies away from everyone else, too. My life is inconsequential, and I don't know why I continue to stay here considering even the most simple of tasks are too complex for me, apparently.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Spammers in this forum .. Grrrrrr go away!!!

----------


## sanspants

I need way more social interaction than I get. 

And a new avatar picture.

----------


## GunnyHighway

I wish my cat would start eating. It's been two weeks now, I've had to resort to using a syringe to squirt baby food in her mouth. I scheduled a vet visit on Wednesday so hopefully something good comes out of that.

----------


## SmileyFace

Parents visiting me tomorrow  ::\:  Super anxious. All they do when they're here is criticize everything I have, do, or am. Come to hang out. Treat me with respect for once, instead of coming here just to try to manipulate and guilt trip me.  ::\:

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> I wish my cat would start eating. It's been two weeks now, I've had to resort to using a syringe to squirt baby food in her mouth. I scheduled a vet visit on Wednesday so hopefully something good comes out of that.



That's a bummer.  ::(: 

I hope they can figure out what's going on and help get her appetite back.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I wish my cat would start eating. It's been two weeks now, I've had to resort to using a syringe to squirt baby food in her mouth. I scheduled a vet visit on Wednesday so hopefully something good comes out of that.



oh nooo  ::(:  what did the vet say?? I hope she's doing better by now

----------


## Kirsebaer

Was chatting with the maids of the hotel I work at and they were telling me about how weird it is that at this hotel the guests NEVER seem to leave any tips for them when they leave the hotel (which apparently is a very common practice in all hotels they've worked at before), and how the hotel's owners/managers are always the first ones to check all vacant rooms before the maids start cleaning them - which means that they probably collect any tips left by the guests and keep it for themselves! 
Seriously, I'm getting so fed up of being around these two idiots. I really really need to find a new job!

----------


## Rawr

My ex fiance moving back into my neighborhood with his new fiance. It wouldn't bother me so much if only he didn't harass me. Twice he's had to move cause of me complaining about his harassment. Luckily our landlord said he only has 1 more time to screw up with me & he's banned for good.

----------


## Hexagon

I'm destined to be alone, aren't I. Why is it so difficult for me to connect with people--why are my actions never reciprocated? Am I that inferior, or inept? I feel hollow. I just need somebody to talk to, someone who actually cares, but I'm apparently asking for too much.

----------


## L

Fell on my knee at at exercise class last night and now it is all bruised  ::(:

----------


## L

> And a new avatar picture.



NNNNNNNnnnnnnnnooooooo........

----------


## Member11

> Fell on my knee at at exercise class last night and now it is all bruised



Ouch! >.< I hope it gets better!

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I'm going to lose out on graduating with honours by two points in one class (due to a group project mark). It's not really anything though...they say it as you walk across the stage and that's about it. It's basically just bragging rights. I know how hard I worked. What matters is I survived today. I'm not the same person somehow. Not after all of this. I don't know if that's good, bad, or in between the lines somewhere, but I'm different now. And the hardest parts have yet to come. 

The only reason this bothers me is because I am nowhere even close to an "honours student". Yet somehow I've been earning crazy good marks. To have the idea in my mind that I might be graduating with honours and then have it stripped away this late in the game, literally last minute...I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset. I'll get over it though.

----------


## Koalafan

> I'm going to lose out on graduating with honours by two points in one class (due to a group project mark). It's not really anything though...they say it as you walk across the stage and that's about it. It's basically just bragging rights. I know how hard I worked. What matters is I survived today. I'm not the same person somehow. Not after all of this. I don't know if that's good, bad, or in between the lines somewhere, but I'm different now. And the hardest parts have yet to come. 
> 
> The only reason this bothers me is because I am nowhere even close to an "honours student". Yet somehow I've been earning crazy good marks. To have the idea in my mind that I might be graduating with honours and then have it stripped away this late in the game, literally last minute...I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset. I'll get over it though.



 :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> 



Thanks koala - although...oopsy daisy on the school's part. They'd posted the mark as 15/100 instead of 15/20 which brought my grade down to a 76. They fixed it today and I finished the class with a 90! Nice surprise in my inbox lol. Guess I can stop whining. There's still one class where the final grade hasn't been posted but I'm pretty sure I did just fine.

I'm still in disbelief at my grades.

----------


## Hexagon

This semester has been [BEEP] and I am so glad it's over in two weeks.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Weaning off Lexapro, week #2 = very low mood this morning, feeling irritable and tired. A little reminder of how much it sucks to depend on meds to just feel normal  ::(:

----------


## Member11

> Weaning off Lexapro, week #2 = very low mood this morning, feeling irritable and tired. A little reminder of how much it sucks to depend on meds to just feel normal



 :Hug:  I know the feeling  ::(:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I know the feeling



 :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## Koalafan

> Weaning off Lexapro, week #2 = very low mood this morning, feeling irritable and tired. A little reminder of how much it sucks to depend on meds to just feel normal



 :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> 



Koala hugs! <3  ::):

----------


## Koalafan

> Koala hugs! <3



 :Celebrate:   :Celebrate:

----------


## L

> Weaning off Lexapro, week #2 = very low mood this morning, feeling irritable and tired. A little reminder of how much it sucks to depend on meds to just feel normal



I found coming off this one difficult - it will pass, sending hugs xxxxx

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

When you install the printer software on a computer without a hitch, but you discover that your computer isn't reading CDs and also the interent gets all kinds of messed up and you're like: [BEEP] computers.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I found coming off this one difficult - it will pass, sending hugs xxxxx



thank you Lasair  :Hug:   :Kiss:

----------


## Koalafan

I had a bad panic attack yesterday and I've been in a numb state ever since. I dont feel like really moving out of bed today

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I had a bad panic attack yesterday and I've been in a numb state ever since. I dont feel like really moving out of bed today



 ::(:   :Hug:  I hope you're feeling better today. Do you know what triggered the panic attack or was it out of the blue?

----------


## Koalafan

> I hope you're feeling better today. Do you know what triggered the panic attack or was it out of the blue?



Aww thanks kirse!!  :Hug:  Coffee was the main trigger (even though I do get occasional out of the blue panic attack too, whoopie!  :Tongue: ). Usually I dont have too many problems with caffeine but I guess I was pushing my luck a bit too far and it definitely bit me in the [BEEP] this time!! Thankfully I am feeling MUCH better this morning but that whole experience was really rough on me  ::(:

----------


## Hexagon

I'm so fucking pitiful. I'm too scared to apply for a job, what is wrong with me? I've barely edited my resume, and sending it in seems too daunting now. I got a call back last week for an interview, but I'm deathly afraid to go.

Why do I even bother living if I'm this useless.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Decided to take a nap this afternoon (something I almost never do) and ended up sleeping for 4 hours. Woke up feeling fucked up. Afternoon naps are evil.

----------


## Koalafan

> Decided to take a nap this afternoon (something I almost never do) and ended up sleeping for 4 hours. Woke up feeling fucked up. Afternoon naps are evil.



Haha I know right?? Afternoon naps are such a gamble and sometimes you feel even worse after the nap  :Tongue:

----------


## Otherside

My anxiety is taking the pis again. 

I have convinced myself that a bucnh of spots on my arms and legs - possibly about twenty at most - are a symptom of Steven Johnsons Syndrome, a pretty serious skin condition, even though I probably only have the rash symptom of. To assist the anxiety, I have spent the last half an hour googling images of the rash and comparing images of my spots to it, all the while convincing myself that I do infact, have this illness, and looking at the early symptoms of it. 

You'd think, at this point, that I would know better. This is not the first time I've done this, and after the whole "I have a brain tumour and I'm definately dying" thing that turned out to be migranes, I told myself I'd never rely on Dr Google ever again. 

Yes, I know it's fucking stupid and I probably don't have Steven Johnsons Syndrome. Nonetheless, not helping the anxiety much, which is doing a spiralling circle of "Yes, but what if?".

Oh [BEEP] You Anxiety.

----------


## L

[BEEP] my life, ugh.....anxiety and awkwardness just slaps you in the face...... When you don't want it to.....been doing well....fuck this anyway!!!!! I'm so angry with myself

----------


## kc1895

I've been extremely depressed for the last two weeks, and haven't cycled out yet.  This has been one of my worst episodes since I've started meds.  The meds I've been on for the past several years have stopped working apparently.

----------


## Koalafan

> My anxiety is taking the pis again. 
> 
> I have convinced myself that a bucnh of spots on my arms and legs - possibly about twenty at most - are a symptom of Steven Johnsons Syndrome, a pretty serious skin condition, even though I probably only have the rash symptom of. To assist the anxiety, I have spent the last half an hour googling images of the rash and comparing images of my spots to it, all the while convincing myself that I do infact, have this illness, and looking at the early symptoms of it. 
> 
> You'd think, at this point, that I would know better. This is not the first time I've done this, and after the whole "I have a brain tumour and I'm definately dying" thing that turned out to be migranes, I told myself I'd never rely on Dr Google ever again. 
> 
> Yes, I know it's fucking stupid and I probably don't have Steven Johnsons Syndrome. Nonetheless, not helping the anxiety much, which is doing a spiralling circle of "Yes, but what if?".
> 
> Oh [BEEP] You Anxiety.



Oh dear god you have no idea how many diseases I have convinced myself that I have and how many times I thought that maybe I was dying  :Tongue: . Im a pretty bad hypochondriac where even a tiny tummy ache can send me into a whirlwhind of, "Oh my god I might have (insert horrible illness here)". My anxiety spins out of control, I have a panic attack which makes me think I absolutely do have something wrong with me and the circle continues. I've had too completely cut myself off from googling my symptoms since NO GOOD can come from it ><

----------


## 1

No

----------


## Gemmy

Can't find a job and my school suspended my financial aid. I'm to a point where I'm shutting down emotionally.

----------


## Monotony

These hiccups are pissing me off now it better not be Cymbalta causing them I don't want to have to go back to trying a bunch of other crap for months before finding something that even slightly works again.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Low self esteem. I wonder if I'll ever manage to get rid of these feelings of worthlessness. It makes me question everything and over-analyze all my interactions with people - offline and online - and look for (and usually find) signs that indicate that people secretly dislike me or simply don't give two f*cks about me. And that leads me to avoid talking to them. And that's when I end up isolating myself and feeling even more miserable. I keep putting myself in this situation over and over again...

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Still refusing the meds...I can beat this. It's just rough right now. And there's actually quite a bit of positive to focus on now. Why do I find it so hard to do that? Everyone makes it look so easy.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Low self esteem. I wonder if I'll ever manage to get rid of these feelings of worthlessness. It makes me question everything and over-analyze all my interactions with people - offline and online - and look for (and usually find) signs that indicate that people secretly dislike me or simply don't give two f*cks about me. And that leads me to avoid talking to them. And that's when I end up isolating myself and feeling even more miserable. I keep putting myself in this situation over and over again...



I can relate. Believe me Kirse, you are _loved!_  I for one give a whole lot of fucks about you  ::): . You're an incredible person who I'm proud to call my friend.  :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I can relate. Believe me Kirse, you are _loved!_  I for one give a whole lot of fucks about you . *You're an incredible person who I'm proud to call my friend*.



Illusion to the rescue!  ::   ::D: 
thank you for being awesome, E.! 
And the bolded part - the feeling is mutual  :Hug:   :Heart:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Illusion to the rescue!  
> thank you for being awesome, E.! 
> And the bolded part - the feeling is mutual



 :: 

I think that kinda stuff constantly about people both online and off. They really hate me though, right? They definitely secretly can't stand me at all and I annoy everyone I come into contact with to a ridiculous degree. I may even be breaking some sort of annoyance record by opening my mouth about anything. >.<

Die, negative thoughts!

----------


## Koalafan

^
Don't mean to piggyback off above the posts but I know the exact feels  ::'(: . It's REALLY hard for me to trust people and when people do get close too me, I constantly find ways and excuses too kick them out of my life...what an awful coping mechanism.

----------


## GunnyHighway

So I haven't been around here in a while, but I can't help but fall back after nights like these. I dreamt of my ex girlfriend again, which is weird because I've not had a thought about her in a long time. This time it feels like it went on the whole night. I don't remember a whole lot but it was enough to wake me up sweating and shaking. 

I went to her house, had fun for a while, then the "other" boyfriend shows up and I start snooping around their backs. What really killed me was that right before I actually woke up, I was staring out of her kitchen window and it was snowing and just beautiful. I remember looking out of that window so well right now...

----------


## Otherside

I just hurt the one person I tried to never hurt. I lost control again, and I do stupid shit. 

I just wanted to go back to how things were once I realized how much I'd hurt him. I just wanted to end it all, to stop things like this from ever happening again. 

Because try and try and try as might, I can never get it all under control

Bipolar. [BEEP] you. I fucking hate you.

----------


## Koalafan

Myself. Been really struggling with depression the past couple of days

----------


## L

Trying to remind myself to breath through it and that I will be hopefully leaving the country in 6 months

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Myself. Been really struggling with depression the past couple of days



 ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Total Eclipse

People can be very tasteless at times... it speaks volumes.

----------


## SmileyFace

Parents make me want to rip my hair out.

----------


## L

> Parents make me want to rip my hair out.



Yes, yes they do - I know how this feels all too well.....hugs

----------


## sanspants

I've been really down since the temp went up to 90. Being unable to get comfortable makes me feel so helpless. It sucks because this is the weather everyone else_ loves_. I hate the way I get sad whenever everyone else gets happy, and vice versa  ::\:

----------


## Total Eclipse

Struggling with very strong depression.  ::(:  Trying to work through it and my terrible thoughts are seeping through...

----------


## L

> I've been really down since the temp went up to 90. Being unable to get comfortable makes me feel so helpless. It sucks because this is the weather everyone else_ loves_. I hate the way I get sad whenever everyone else gets happy, and vice versa




I wish the temperature would go up here but I know once it does I'd regret wanting that. I hate it really hot but with I didn't need a raincoat going out. Do you not like the sun?

----------


## sanspants

> I wish the temperature would go up here but I know once it does I'd regret wanting that. I hate it really hot but with I didn't need a raincoat going out. Do you not like the sun?



You could say I don't like weather. I'm generally fine with the sun, and I like it in all months that aren't summer. Temperate weather lasts only a few weeks here (like 3) before the heat advisories arrive, warning us not to spend more than half an hour out there. Unfortunately it's the sun that roasts the town to a dangerous level, and with it come hordes of bikers on unmuffled Harleys, straight past my bedroom window. 

So warm sun=crazy-hot here, and warm sun also=LOUD. All of which prevents me from sleeping for my night-shift job. 

I hear ya on not wanting to wear a rain slicker outside. Lol, right after I posted the above, we got a cold front (and a record low for June 1st), along with windy thunderstorms. I don't have a slicker but it would be nice to not need an umbrella or waterproof shoes too!

----------


## Kirsebaer

My mom always pointing out my physical flaws whenever we skype .. "Your eyebrows are way too thin! It looks vulgar", "you have a double chin", "your hair looks neglected". Thanks mom  ::  way to make me feel confident

----------


## Member11

> My mom always pointing out my physical flaws whenever we skype .. "Your eyebrows are way too thin! It looks vulgar", "you have a double chin", "your hair looks neglected". Thanks mom  way to make me feel confident



She is nuts! You are gorgeous, and never think otherwise  ::

----------


## Kirsebaer

> She is nuts! You are gorgeous, and never think otherwise



that's kind of you to say Jerry, thanks  :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

finally went to the hairdressers today and I didn't like the result  ::'(:  I'm feeling really self conscious right now... it's depressing. I hope I'll get used to it quickly

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> My mom always pointing out my physical flaws whenever we skype .. "Your eyebrows are way too thin! It looks vulgar", "you have a double chin", "your hair looks neglected". Thanks mom  way to make me feel confident



I agree with Jerry. Mom of the year award goes tooo....not your mom. Maybe she should worry about her own damn self. Disgusting behaviour coming from someone who is supposed to make you feel beautiful.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I agree with Jerry. Mom of the year award goes tooo....not your mom. Maybe she should worry about her own damn self. Disgusting behaviour coming from someone who is supposed to make you feel beautiful.



Thank you for your words, Illusion <3
Yesterday I went to get a haircut (my mom was kinda right about it looking neglected, tbh) and I didn't like the way it looked after the haircut because of the way the hairdresser styled it, but then I washed it again at home and styled it in a different way and now I'm happy enough about it. So I sent my family a picture through our Whatsapp family group (which we use to communicate daily with my parents and siblings) and my mom wrote "it looks alright, but I think it's way too short"  ::s:  Both my brother and my sister immediately jumped in and said "that's not true, Dani, your hair looks great" "mom is never happy about anything.. don't listen to her"  ::  
She used to be even harsher with my sister than she's ever been with me. She's very critical of herself as well. She's always talking about getting cosmetic surgery. No wonder my siblings and I have body image problems. The worst part is that I know she's just repeating her own mother's behavior. My mom grew up hearing awful things from my grandma. The difference is that my mom has always been a very dedicated mother, while her mother was a complete [BEEP] and neglected her children. My mom has lots of qualities and I love her to pieces, but old habits die hard.
here's what my hair looks like now (I'm surprised she didn't point out that I look like I have a squint  :Tongue:  )

http://i1295.photobucket.com/albums/...psdslhoywt.jpg

----------


## Member11

> here's what my hair looks like now (I'm surprised she didn't point out that I look like I have a squint  )
> 
> http://i1295.photobucket.com/albums/...psdslhoywt.jpg



 :bopa:  You are gorgeous. Don't make me bopa you again!

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Thank you for your words, Illusion <3
> Yesterday I went to get a haircut (my mom was kinda right about it looking neglected, tbh) and I didn't like the way it looked after the haircut because of the way the hairdresser styled it, but then I washed it again at home and styled it in a different way and now I'm happy enough about it. So I sent my family a picture through our Whatsapp family group (which we use to communicate daily with my parents and siblings) and my mom wrote "it looks alright, but I think it's way too short"  Both my brother and my sister immediately jumped in and said "that's not true, Dani, your hair looks great" "mom is never happy about anything.. don't listen to her"  
> She used to be even harsher with my sister than she's ever been with me. She's very critical of herself as well. She's always talking about getting cosmetic surgery. No wonder my siblings and I have body image problems. The worst part is that I know she's just repeating her own mother's behavior. My mom grew up hearing awful things from my grandma. The difference is that my mom has always been a very dedicated mother, while her mother was a complete [BEEP] and neglected her children. My mom has lots of qualities and I love her to pieces, but old habits die hard.
> here's what my hair looks like now (I'm surprised she didn't point out that I look like I have a squint  )
> 
> http://i1295.photobucket.com/albums/...psdslhoywt.jpg



I always do that haha, go home and re-wash and style it the way I normally do. Not that I do much styling, but still. Your new haircut is cute and looks great on you! Who is she to say it's too short? It's not her hair. You're the only one qualified to determine proper shortness lol. Old habits die hard indeed. Glad your siblings are supportive. <3

My mom's great too, but contributed to how I view myself through being hypocritical in the messages she tried to send. There's a mixed message sent when you tell your daughter she's beautiful and then turn to yourself in the mirror and proceed to hate on your own "flaws". She never intentionally did anything to harm my self esteem and I'd still have body issues regardless, but that didn't exactly help. She recently wanted to buy the ugliest pair of sunglasses because they would "take the attention away from her face". What a horrible thing to say about yourself.  ::(:  Now the roles have kinda reversed where I tell her her hair looks nice today, or I really like her outfit.

----------


## Koalafan

Going back to school again. Thinking over and over how much college fucked me up mentally and just broke down earlier. Thank god this [BEEP] only lasts a year because I honestly don't know if my body can do it much longer than that.  I really hope everything is smooth sailing cause I'm afraid my anxiety will fully take over and I'll just say [BEEP] it and drop out.

----------


## L

I cant sleep....i need to be up in 4 hours....mmmmmm.....

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Just not in a good head space at all. And I'm having an accident prone day. I've already stepped on glass and rammed my skull into the fridge, which resulted in a massive headache.
And my shoulder's screwed up again! Wtf. I don't know if it's something I'm doing with my exercises or the way I'm sleeping or what. Either way, it's getting fucking old. I just shook the undiagnosed hip pain for the umpteenth time and I'm stuck with various other ailments that are mostly the result of me being an idiot.

----------


## L

Heart Palpitations coming and going all day - got my interview date and I'm shitting myself

----------


## Kirsebaer

Jeg lag.
And my feet are in sooo much pain after walking around NYC from 7am to 8pm. But I'm loving this trip!

----------


## Otherside

> Jeg lag.
> And my feet are in sooo much pain after walking around NYC from 7am to 8pm. But I'm loving this trip!



Hope you guys enjoy the meetup. And yah, nyc is one hell of a place.

Also, sucks on the jetlag.

----------


## Koalafan

> Jeg lag.
> And my feet are in sooo much pain after walking around NYC from 7am to 8pm. But I'm loving this trip!



Hope you and the SO have been having a good time!!  ::D:

----------


## heather

Finals coming up...AND IM NOT READY :#

----------


## Otherside

> Finals coming up...AND IM NOT READY :#



Good luck with them. Have some virtual snacks to get through them.  :Snack:

----------


## Member11

Abdominal pain  ::'(:  Might have to be readmitted into hospital.

----------


## Hexagon

I'm so paralyzed by my anxiety. In my lab last week, I could barely even function and do work, and my partner was berating me the entire time because I was practically frozen still, and I continued to mess up calculations and make errors, or forget 'simple' things. I feel like such a worthless piece of [BEEP] sometimes.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Hey sweety, sorry this is happening. I hope it passes soon x







> koala hugs




**hugs** thank you.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I'm so paralyzed by my anxiety. In my lab last week, I could barely even function and do work, and my partner was berating me the entire time because I was practically frozen still, and I continued to mess up calculations and make errors, or forget 'simple' things. I feel like such a worthless piece of [BEEP] sometimes.



It's very impressive that you still carried on with such disabling amount of anxiety . You should feel proud that you are pushing through **hugs**

----------


## Total Eclipse

Errrghh

----------


## L

Day 5 of 7 12h night shifts

----------


## Arcadia

Lots.  I hate being up at this time, everything is intensified.  Not looking forward to work, nervous about meetings, conversations, asking my boss something.  Think I'm being used by someone, a so called friend made a cruel comment, insensitivity of others, etc.  Not sure how to break something to a friend.  Feel trapped in life.  And to top it off, I feel more boring than usual.  I thought I was getting close to a few others, but it seems I was too annoying and drove one away.  The other one found others who are more fun.  Can't believe I'm complaining this much.  I just need to vent, and I can't open up to those I normally would.

----------


## Antidote

Chest pain.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Hope you guys enjoy the meetup. And yah, nyc is one hell of a place.
> 
> Also, sucks on the jetlag.







> Hope you and the SO have been having a good time!!



Thank you guys! We had a great trip!  ::D:  
We've been home since Friday and we're once again suffering the effects of jetlag  :Tongue:

----------


## Total Eclipse

Server migraine  ::(:

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

I have my college orientation this Saturday. Pls no.  ::(:  I also have another anxiety inducing plan next week. My eye strarted twitching right now from all this pre-stress.

----------


## Antidote

Shortness of breath.

----------


## L

I have a missed call from an unknown caller....anyone who knows we knows I would be still sleeping at the moment....hate answering calls I don't know

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I have a missed call from an unknown caller....anyone who knows we knows I would be still sleeping at the moment....hate answering calls I don't know



I can relate.
When we're job hunting we kinda have to answer any calls from unknown numbers.. I hate that

----------


## L

Grandad just passed away so im feeling sad

----------


## Otherside

> Grandad just passed away so im feeling sad



 :Hug: Sorry to hear that. The best to you and your family.

----------


## L

> Sorry to hear that. The best to you and your family.




Thank you, he went in the best possible way. It's seeing my gran so upset that kills me.

----------


## Ararera

> Parents make me want to rip my hair out.



This can be a fantastic motivator to change your life when you are ready to fly out on your own. Hang in there!

----------


## L

Said goodbye to my grandad today

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Said goodbye to my grandad today



 :Hug:   ::(:

----------


## Kirsebaer

We're expecting a heatwave to hit France this week... starting today  :shake:

----------


## Otherside

Fucking heatwave. Too hot.

----------


## Otherside

> We're expecting a heatwave to hit France this week... starting today



Got it here in the South East of England as well. I don't cope well in the heat.  :alone:

----------


## Monotony

> Got it here in the South East of England as well. I don't cope well in the heat.



It's horrible everywhere and it wont stop raining. :Rain:  The winter cant come fast enough.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

I hate when my mood takes a nosedive into shitsville a little while after I was feeling really good. It's like my brain just can't let me feel good for too long, otherwise I might get the silly idea that I can actually be happy for more than short intervals at some point in my life.

----------


## Antidote

I hit my head again for like the third time this week. I'm fucking cursed. Also, the taxi driver drove like an asshole. Really fast over bumps.

----------


## L

Back to work today, really just want to sleep

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Got it here in the South East of England as well. I don't cope well in the heat.



aww good luck with that  ::(:  it was incredibly hot all day today! It's still really hot tonight, I'm in bed but can't fall asleep because of the heat.. the fan is on but it doesn"t help much... I feel sorry for our dogs too

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

> aww good luck with that  it was incredibly hot all day today! It's still really hot tonight, I'm in bed but can't fall asleep because of the heat.. the fan is on but it doesn"t help much... I feel sorry for our dogs too



Ugh I remember those pre-AC nights. What helped me sleep was wearing a wet shirt with the fan on so it could keep me cool enough to fall asleep.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Ugh I remember those pre-AC nights. What helped me sleep was wearing a wet shirt with the fan on so it could keep me cool enough to fall asleep.



That's not a bad idea at all! I'm totally gonna do that tonight!  :: 
Europeans don't have the habit of using AC.  :shrug:  I've never met anyone here who has AC in their house. Most shops, clinics and offices don't have it either... I don't understand why.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

> That's not a bad idea at all! I'm totally gonna do that tonight! 
> Europeans don't have the habit of using AC.  I've never met anyone here who has AC in their house. Most shops, clinics and offices don't have it either... I don't understand why.



It's largely a matter of cost over comfort, I imagine. Air Conditioners soak up a fair amount of electricity and can really raise your electric bill (and the cost of electricity is much higher in some parts of the world compared to others). There are parts of the US where blackouts or brownouts can occur because of the load all of the air conditioners put on the electrical grid during the hottest parts of summer.

----------


## L

Feeling kind of low, I probably didn't get on the panel for the job I interviewed for. I really want to move home, I want to be closer to my mum, be able to support my gran after grandad passing away, see my niece (so she doesn't cry everytime she sees me), move in with my boyfriend. I so homesick, I just want to cry.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Feeling kind of low, I probably didn't get on the panel for the job I interviewed for. I really want to move home, I want to be closer to my mum, be able to support my gran after grandad passing away, see my niece (so she doesn't cry everytime she sees me), move in with my boyfriend. I so homesick, I just want to cry.



 :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

I forgot how vulnerable it feels to write on forums. I'm really anxious atm. I hadn't realized how exposed it feels to put something in cyberspace. I guess I've been just cocooning in my safe little world since I left.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I forgot how vulnerable it feels to write on forums. I'm really anxious atm. I hadn't realized how exposed it feels to put something in cyberspace. I guess I've been just cocooning in my safe little world since I left.



Awww  :Hug:  it's time for you to un-coocoon...  :butterfly: 

<3 <3 <3 

 :Hug:

----------


## Otherside

Depakote shakes. The worst I've ever had.

----------


## L

> Depakote shakes. The worst I've ever had.




Aw no, that doesn't sound nice. What's causing that *hugs*

----------


## Otherside

> Aw no, that doesn't sound nice. What's causing that *hugs*



I don't know. I've had them for a while but they weren't bothering me much so I didn't do much about them, and the Depakote kept my bipolar under control. 

But, it's getting worse, so it looks like I'm going to have to go back to the doctor about it.

----------


## L

> I don't know. I've had them for a while but they weren't bothering me much so I didn't do much about them, and the Depakote kept my bipolar under control. 
> 
> But, it's getting worse, so it looks like I'm going to have to go back to the doctor about it.




Aw man, sounds like you have an idea. Its crap when something works but is causing other effects.

----------


## L

So much [BEEP] at the moment going on in my heat

----------


## Total Eclipse

I puked a lot last Tuesday and have been nauseous and dizzy every day since. The 90 F  heat wave is not helping

----------


## Rawr

Constantly being called a Child. I get it. I'm turning 20 & that's still young but whenever I hear the word "Child", I think of a kid in Elementary School. Not a legal adult that goes through heartache & misery.

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

The zipper to my 3rd favorite pair of pants is broken and I don't think I can fix it. I really only have like 4 good pairs of pants so this is a problem.

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

Agggh. There was a rare comic book on eBay that's really only desirable by a few people but it cost too much so I didn't buy it, but then the seller made it an auction starting at almost 1/3rd of the price and up until a few minutes before it ended no one else bet except me and I was soooooo confident I was going to get it but some other fucker got it for 30 cents more than me!

That was my exact reaction. Except I was eating jello instead of holding a drink. 

Oh well. I don't think I had it in me to spend all that money for just one book. That one _valuable_ book that I could've bought a safe for...

----------


## Chantellabella

I'm so frustrated with my (past) therapist. Past because I fired her.

She hurt me and rather than apologize, she actually told me I was being a "victim" because I asked for an apology.  What's wrong with that picture? She teaches me for 10 years to stand up for myself and let people know when they hurt me, and then when I tell her, she says I'm being a victim. And she knows that the word "victim" is a trigger for me and makes me very angry and hurt. The last thing I want to be is a victim.

When I pointed this out to her, she ignored me. She's pissed because I cancelled the appointment. But really? People [BEEP] on me for free. Why on earth would I pay somebody to do it?

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I'm so frustrated with my (past) therapist. Past because I fired her.
> 
> She hurt me and rather than apologize, she actually told me I was being a "victim" because I asked for an apology.  What's wrong with that picture? She teaches me for 10 years to stand up for myself and let people know when they hurt me, and then when I tell her, she says I'm being a victim. And she knows that the word "victim" is a trigger for me and makes me very angry and hurt. The last thing I want to be is a victim.
> 
> When I pointed this out to her, she ignored me. She's pissed because I cancelled the appointment. But really? People [BEEP] on me for free. Why on earth would I pay somebody to do it?



Ugh. I hate how some people try to give you the advice "don't let anyone walk over you" and pretend they are helping so much then they do f'ed up things like this and think they are exempt :/  :Hug: Glad you canceled your appt.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Paranoia as usual. I should probably get my prescription tomorrow.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Paranoia as usual. I should probably get my prescription tomorrow.



 :Hug:  What are you paranoid about?

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Thanks for the  It's more what I'm not paranoid about . Hopefully I'll sleep it off. A fresh day usually helps. Suddenly I'm really glad I cut back on the caffeine!



Hopefully you get a good nights sleep  :Hug:

----------


## Ironman

The thought of being hounded by multiple people on my program at work this week, and I am not even supposed to be working on it due to pre-Beta testing on the product my script runs a database for!

My boss "I wish I could have you work on the script this week, but we have pre-Beta"

My mind -> uh yeah, I knew LAST OCTOBER that we would eventually need help to get everything done, but you said that we were going to get a computer instead - and we lost that order to another department

----------


## Total Eclipse

I wish to not exist.

----------


## Cuchculan

But without you, what would we all do? I am sure you have good friends and family off the net. Just look on the net as well. Loads more friends. Your net family.

----------


## Chantellabella

must.............................choke............  ..............co-worker......................................

----------


## L

> must.............................choke............  ..............co-worker......................................



You mean "must not".....right

----------


## L

My ears.....i have swimmers ear from swimming in the ocean  ::(:   I cannot hear in my left ear at all, I hope i can  get an appointment tomorrow

----------


## Chantellabella

> You mean "must not".....right



uh. 

sure.

Turn around L.

 :bopa:   :bam: 

Ok. You can turn back.

 :popcorn:

----------


## Chantellabella

> My ears.....i have swimmers ear from swimming in the ocean   I cannot hear in my left ear at all, I hope i can  get an appointment tomorrow



Aw.............that hurts. I used to suffer with swimmer's ear and it's really painful. Sorry you're in pain. Hopefully they'll be able to clear it out so the medicine can get in there to work.

----------


## L

> Aw.............that hurts. I used to suffer with swimmer's ear and it's really painful. Sorry you're in pain. Hopefully they'll be able to clear it out so the medicine can get in there to work.



on antibiotics now

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Having to constantly try to fight off negative thoughts is quite exhausting.

----------


## L

I didn't get it  ::'(:

----------


## Chantellabella

> I didn't get it



I'm sorry  ::(: 

 :Hug:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Having to constantly try to fight off negative thoughts is quite exhausting.




I know what you mean. I hope you feel better  :Hug:

----------


## Antidote

Barely slept last night. And I feel really confused, disoriented, exhausted and anxious. I also feel a strange sense of things being different. Like the world feels too small, and foreign. I hate these inexplicable episodes. Hate not getting what triggered it. Hate not knowing how long it will last. I'm probably going to spend all day in bed today.

----------


## Kirsebaer

I cringe whenever I come accross my old posts and realize that I've made a typo or a grammar mistake  :doh:  When will I ever learn that I need to proofread before hitting the Post button?

----------


## L

> I cringe whenever I come accross my old posts and realize that I've made a typo or a grammar mistake  When will I ever learn that I need to proofread before hitting the Post button?



Typos are nothing to worry about really, if people can read your post and know tat u dnt wit lke dis no one here is going to murder you in your sleep. At least I hope not because my dyslexic mind results in typo's that when I read over my post I still don't see them.

----------


## L

On antibiotics for an ear infection in both ears - the medication is killing me, upset tummy, running to the bathroom, headache (although that is more likely the infection) sore muscles and really tired.....worst of all I am on my off week from work boo!!

----------


## Otherside

> On antibiotics for an ear infection in both ears - the medication is killing me, upset tummy, running to the bathroom, headache (although that is more likely the infection) sore muscles and really tired.....worst of all I am on my off week from work boo!!



Ahhh sucks that happened on your week off.

I'm another person who gets all these horrid side effects of anti biotics. They can be pretty nasty. But  I hope they make you're ear feel better. :hugs

----------


## Otherside

Don't wanna sleep cos I've kept getting the same nightmare over and over. Sure, I know, only a dream, but it's just pissing me.

Same thing, over and over. At the top of a skyscraper. Only way to get down is by using a lift. Which is super small when you look at it.

So get in lift, lift turns into some sort of a tardis because somehow there's more room but okay. All goes normal.

Then suddenly, the goddamn cable snaps. And falling lift. You know it doesn't even crash it just like...keeps falling and falling and falling and I'm just trapped in a lift forever falling.

I hate lifts. I'll drag luggage up seven storeys of stairs but god forbid I take a lift to my hotel room.

Edit - Got curious, so dream interpreted it. And what do I get?

Feeling that you are failing in life.or feeling insecure about something in life. F'sakes!

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

> On antibiotics for an ear infection in both ears - the medication is killing me, upset tummy, running to the bathroom, headache (although that is more likely the infection) sore muscles and really tired.....worst of all I am on my off week from work boo!!



I'd honestly prefer _not_ having to deal with all that while working. Some of my worst experiences when being sick was having a runny nose without the comfort of home.

----------


## Antidote

My anxiety continues with a vengeance.

----------


## SmileyFace

I dunno why it's been bothering me so much but... the chatroom here is SO DEAD. I totally miss the days several of us would go in and chat about all sorts of stuff. Good times  ::(:  I really miss a lot of people here. Too bad people had busy lives right when I wanted to keep in touch elsewhere on the web.

----------


## L

yay now I am feeling anxious about eating

----------


## Otherside

So I was stupidly looking on tumblr and I've found some blog claiming that a bunch of random characters have bipolar. Including Harry Potter. 

Its been a while since I read the books, but I can assure you, deciding that random characters have bipolar is fucking offensive to those of us that have it. It's not some fucking perk and "oh em geez so edgy". It's a fucking disorder. One that I seriously hate, tore my life to pieces, andtake meds that make me feel like [BEEP] daily.

Fucking kids these days.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Barely slept last night. And I feel really confused, disoriented, exhausted and anxious. I also feel a strange sense of things being different. Like the world feels too small, and foreign. I hate these inexplicable episodes. Hate not getting what triggered it. Hate not knowing how long it will last. I'm probably going to spend all day in bed today.



Awww  :Hug:  hope you feel better <3

----------


## Total Eclipse

> So I was stupidly looking on tumblr and I've found some blog claiming that a bunch of random characters have bipolar. Including Harry Potter. 
> 
> Its been a while since I read the books, but I can assure you, deciding that random characters have bipolar is fucking offensive to those of us that have it. It's not some fucking perk and "oh em geez so edgy". It's a fucking disorder. One that I seriously hate, tore my life to pieces, andtake meds that make me feel like [BEEP] daily.
> 
> Fucking kids these days.



For OS  :Hug:  --- yeah, I hate when people do that crap  ::(:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> yay now I am feeling anxious about eating



Why are you feeling anxious about eating?  ::(:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I was commenced on antibiotics, every time I eat I get stomach cramps and nausea, yet I have to eat to take the medication



Make sure you eat something before taking the medication. And when you are try broth and crackers.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I started probiotics today and it really seems to have helped - some lose bowel though (sorry if TMI) diet it mostly toast and tea at the moment



Glad you started the probiotics. Hopefully it'll clear up soon. I've been on antibotics for the past 2 weeks with this horrible double ear infection (inner-middle-outer) on both ears, along with ruptured ear drums, had to have surgery and get ear tubes in and still doing ear drops.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I am on them for a double ear infection also, mine was from swimming though! I hope you clear up soon, do you know what caused it?



I have wisdom teeth coming in. Apparently, it isn't just common for them to have refracting ear pain but also refracting inner ear and sinus infections. Due to the infections my stupid lupus gets a exacerbation and lupus starts attacking the  Temporomandibular joint causing extreme swelling to the face and ears swell more making it impossible to ge all the water out of them >.< and so then i get middle and outter (swimmers) ear. The rupteres happened due to the pressure and fluid back up... For over a week I was in a constant state of vertigo. I had to sleep on the reclining chair.. it sucked!!!!

----------


## GunnyHighway

I want to work out, but in the comfort of my home. There's no way in my current physical and mental state that I could go to a gym alone. I just get so bored of body weight exercises and it's hard to stay motivated, but home gym equipment is just retarded expensive. Feel like I'm doomed to be fat forever.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

My air conditioner seems to have stopped working, oh boy. With 100F/38C+ highs and 80F/27C+ lows, this is going to result in some uncomfortable days/nights at home.

*Edit*

It is now fixed, thankfully.

----------


## Antidote

Pretty sure I have pulpitis in one tooth, thanks to getting a filling there, which I don't even think I needed. I'd like to find a dentist who isn't a sociopathic sadist.

----------


## Otherside

Low mood. Lashing out at everyone. Just feel.so.shit. Don't want to talk to anyone at all.

----------


## L

I think the delivery guy got lost....it has never taken this long to get food delivered and if he rings me again I am going to freak as I cannot for the life of me give directions

----------


## Chantellabella

Just a lot of things I have to get done in a small amount of time. I really don't want to have to take it home and work over my hours again, but that may be the case. In my job, the person who walks up and interrupts me is priority, so when I'm working on research to present presentations at places, it's difficult to get it all done if the library is busy.

----------


## BillDauterive

Being permanently banned from a forum just a few hours ago. I was a long term member there and it really stinks to face this stinging rejection. I guess all I can really do is just suck it up and move on to another community, like here I guess.  : ( 

Time is supposed to heal all wounds, right? The wound is very fresh so we'll have to see later on how I am faring. But right now, I feel pretty down. I didn't mean to get banned. Maybe I'm just really angry and bitter with my unchecked mental health issues and I lash out and inadvertently cause trouble. Sigh.

----------


## L

> Being permanently banned from a forum just a few hours ago. I was a long term member there and it really stinks to face this stinging rejection. I guess all I can really do is just suck it up and move on to another community, like here I guess.  : ( 
> 
> Time is supposed to heal all wounds, right? The wound is very fresh so we'll have to see later on how I am faring. But right now, I feel pretty down. I didn't mean to get banned. Maybe I'm just really angry and bitter with my unchecked mental health issues and I lash out and inadvertently cause trouble. Sigh.



Sorry to hear that happened - you are very welcome to this community though  ::):

----------


## BillDauterive

> Sorry to hear that happened - you are very welcome to this community though



Thanks for the warm welcome maam, I really appreciate it and I feel a little bit better already.  <3

----------


## enfield

> Being permanently banned from a forum just a few hours ago. I was a long term member there and it really stinks to face this stinging rejection. I guess all I can really do is just suck it up and move on to another community, like here I guess.  : ( 
> 
> Time is supposed to heal all wounds, right? The wound is very fresh so we'll have to see later on how I am faring. But right now, I feel pretty down. I didn't mean to get banned. Maybe I'm just really angry and bitter with my unchecked mental health issues and I lash out and inadvertently cause trouble. Sigh.

----------


## BillDauterive

> 



Thanks for the support bud.  ::):  

Pretty much, I'm here on this lovely new community because of my banishment from that one (I guess just like you eh?).

Well, just gotta brush it off and move on I guess. Its all I really CAN do.

----------


## Otherside

> Being permanently banned from a forum just a few hours ago. I was a long term member there and it really stinks to face this stinging rejection. I guess all I can really do is just suck it up and move on to another community, like here I guess.  : ( 
> 
> Time is supposed to heal all wounds, right? The wound is very fresh so we'll have to see later on how I am faring. But right now, I feel pretty down. I didn't mean to get banned. Maybe I'm just really angry and bitter with my unchecked mental health issues and I lash out and inadvertently cause trouble. Sigh.



 :Hug:  Know that feel. And Welcome to AnxS

----------


## Otherside

So I was going through my old posts on SAS and came across ones from when I pretty ill. It's kinda scary reading through them. How the hell did I get so bad?  :hide:

----------


## BillDauterive

> So I was going through my old posts on SAS and came across ones from when I pretty ill. It's kinda scary reading through them. How the hell did I get so bad?



On the upside, you can see how far you've gone and how much better of a place you are in now.  : )

----------


## SmileyFace

Feeling PMS-y this afternoon.

----------


## L

> So I was going through my old posts on SAS and came across ones from when I pretty ill. It's kinda scary reading through them. How the hell did I get so bad?



I know what you mean, my blog on there is a dark place x

----------


## Chantellabella

I have a bunch of things that I'm struggling with and I'm not willing to share any of it with anyone. 

I don't know. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's independence?

More likely trust issues.

Sigh.  ::(:

----------


## Member11

> I have a bunch of things that I'm struggling with and I'm not willing to share any of it with anyone. 
> 
> I don't know. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's independence?
> 
> More likely trust issues.
> 
> Sigh.



 :Hug:  I hope you are doing okay

----------


## L

I'm tired but I don't want to go to sleep. My room is a mess but I'm to lazy to tidy it.

----------


## L

> I have a bunch of things that I'm struggling with and I'm not willing to share any of it with anyone. 
> 
> I don't know. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's independence?
> 
> More likely trust issues.
> 
> Sigh.



If and when you do want to talk you know there is always someone here xx

----------


## Chantellabella

> If and when you do want to talk you know there is always someone here xx







> I hope you are doing okay



Thanks guys. I'm ok. You know me. I just keep saying, "You can do it, you can do it" and keep going. As long as I keep going, I'll be fine. 

You know though, it's hard sometimes because the things I struggle with are internal. The external stuff is actually much easier.

----------


## kc1895

> I want to work out, but in the comfort of my home. There's no way in my current physical and mental state that I could go to a gym alone. I just get so bored of body weight exercises and it's hard to stay motivated, but home gym equipment is just retarded expensive. Feel like I'm doomed to be fat forever.



At-home workout plans have been pretty popular recently.  I tried the DailyBurn app on my phone with a monthly subscription, and it was addicting!  You can choose a workout coach and depending on your goals, they schedule your workouts with different options.  If you follow their routine everyday, it will kick you in the butt  :dance foo:  and you'll see results!  There's also a program called Inferno, which is the same thing.  So theres lots of options.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> On the upside, you can see how far you've gone and how much better of a place you are in now.  : )



Ditto to this. I recently re-learned how much meds I used to take. No wonder I don't remember much, I was in a haze the whole time. Guess that's the way I preferred it.  ::\: 

-

My dad's heart surgery got moved for the _third_ time. Still in this month, but it's awful to get psyched up for this and have to wait even longer. In the meantime at least he's not working, because he has trouble even bending down to get things out of the fridge.

----------


## L

I had a difficult night shift. I really hope tonight is not as bad - I almost cried to my manager when giving handover because there is such a lack of support  ::(:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> My dad's heart surgery got moved for the _third_ time. Still in this month, but it's awful to get psyched up for this and have to wait even longer. In the meantime at least he's not working, because he has trouble even bending down to get things out of the fridge.



So it's not Wednesday anymore?  ::(:  That's so f*cked up. Do they even have a valid excuse for doing that?





> I had a difficult night shift. I really hope tonight is not as bad - I almost cried to my manager when giving handover because there is such a lack of support



 ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> So it's not Wednesday anymore?  That's so f*cked up. Do they even have a valid excuse for doing that?



As far as we know it'll be on the 25th now. No time is scheduled yet. I'm assuming they had an emergency where somebody needed that time slot a whole lot more than my dad did.

----------


## Total Eclipse

I spent the past 4 days in the hospital being admitted for concussion I now have to see concussion specialist.

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Right when one major source of stress feels like it has been resolved another pops up to take it's place—awesome. Thanks, life.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Right when one major source of stress feels like it has been resolved another pops up to take it's place—awesome. Thanks, life.



Story of my life. I just wish I could not give a shit.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> How did you get the concussion, Sweetie? 
> 
> I told you to stop parkouring off buildings. Did you land on your skateboard or bike this time?







> What happened, Kay?  I hope you're okay now!!



I had a wisdom tooth extraction. They already knew I had a prior sensitivity to liodcaine and narcotics... the combo of them both and having to take something for medications made me very unsteady and by the end of the time they where don I kept falling over whenever I got up.... when I got home --  I fell and hit my head on the tub. My head hurts  ::(:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Ouch! Did you need stitches also? During your hospital stay did they at least get you more steady with your meds?



No stitches needed "closed head injury". They didn't get medication steady, they helped pain relief whilst I was there.. but non when I got out. I saw my nouro today, see my PCP in the morning and a general dentist later in the day (I have dry socket from the wisdom) and then the concussion doc earlier next week........

----------


## Kirsebaer

I haven't had a day this bad in a long time. I broke down and cried in front of my driving instructor as soon as I parked the car back in the school parking lot. I had told her about my phobia, but judging by the shocked look on her face, I don't think she had realized how bad my driving anxiety is until that moment. I came home and cried uncontrollably. I took a Klonopin and spent the rest of the day feeling like a fucking loser who's too stupid to do something as "simple" as driving... and embarrassed for crying in front of a stranger. FML

----------


## BillDauterive

I'm experiencing a sudden downtown in my mood. I really need to kill myself soon. I have nothing going for me. All I have is a long list of negatives that keeps on gnawing at me. Ie. on the top of my head.

- 28 year old male who has zero experience with women and will likely stay that way
- Overweight, prematurely balding, not physically attractive
- In an easy but low paying job and no aspirations to improve my career
- I hate my own race/ethnicity, and dislike being a minority in the USA who will never fully fit in. I hate being the child of 1st generation immigrants. 



This month marks the 10th year since I've suffered from severe depression and suicidal thoughts. What a nice milestone huh?

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

I really need to figure out this textbook thing before classes start and making sure that the tuition is being paid because I'm seeing one thing that says I owe a ton of money, and another that says I'm good and I also need to figure out which route I'm taking or learn to use the damn freeway or make the GPS app on my phone actually work because the practice runs to the school haven't turned out great and if I don't get a handle on things the struggle is about to get hella fucking real.

----------


## Otherside

Taking the train back home from Edinburgh. Travel anxiety. Just anxiety in general. Keep worrying somethingll go wrong and ill miss it.

----------


## Kirsebaer

I just came down with a freaking cold just 3 days before I'm supposed to start at my new job. If I'm still sick on Monday, I won't be able to work.. who wants to have their food served by someone who's coughing and sneezing all over the place?

----------


## Koalafan

> I haven't had a day this bad in a long time. I broke down and cried in front of my driving instructor as soon as I parked the car back in the school parking lot. I had told her about my phobia, but judging by the shocked look on her face, I don't think she had realized how bad my driving anxiety is until that moment. I came home and cried uncontrollably. I took a Klonopin and spent the rest of the day feeling like a fucking loser who's too stupid to do something as "simple" as driving... and embarrassed for crying in front of a stranger. FML



Hugs  ::(:   :Hug:  I'm so sorry you had to go through that!!  ::(:  And don't worry at all...I use to have a BIG phobia of driving when I was younger and would literally have panic attacks even thinking about driving a car. The best thing for me I found is to start VERY little and slooowwwly get used to seeing yourself driving. Just take small little steps and maybe just try driving in small chunks where it doesnt seem so overwhelming. We're all here for you and believe in you!!  :Celebrate:

----------


## SmileyFace

I feel like there is something I'm trying to run away from and avoid... trying not to confront the so-called problem. But... I don't know what it is. I feel like there is something I must do or resolve, but I don't know what the heck that is!

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Hugs   I'm so sorry you had to go through that!!  And don't worry at all...I use to have a BIG phobia of driving when I was younger and would literally have panic attacks even thinking about driving a car. The best thing for me I found is to start VERY little and slooowwwly get used to seeing yourself driving. Just take small little steps and maybe just try driving in small chunks where it doesnt seem so overwhelming. We're all here for you and believe in you!!



Aww I got a Koala hug!  ::):   :Hug:  Things got better since I wrote that post, thank jeebus. I had another driving session with that same instructor and it went well. She was more patient and friendly this time around and that made me feel more at ease. Yesterday I drove by myself for the first time and went grocery shopping  ::):  I enjoyed the feeling of independence.

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

I start college tomorrow  :shake:  I'm honestly more worried about commuting there. I've only take the route a few times and everytime I have, I got lost. I can't seem to get the GPS on my phone work. I think I've got it though. Still. 22 minutes in an unfamiliar terrain, by myself, surrounded by more experienced drivers who will get annoyed at my stupidness. 

#praying2god #itwouldntbetheworstthingintheworldifameteorhitthe  schooltomorrowanditwascancelled

----------


## BillDauterive

a

----------


## Otherside

> I start college tomorrow  I'm honestly more worried about commuting there. I've only take the route a few times and everytime I have, I got lost. I can't seem to get the GPS on my phone work. I think I've got it though. Still. 22 minutes in an unfamiliar terrain, by myself, surrounded by more experienced drivers who will get annoyed at my stupidness. 
> 
> #praying2god #itwouldntbetheworstthingintheworldifameteorhitthe  schooltomorrowanditwascancelled



Good luck, sure everything will go fine.  :Hug: 

What are you studying?

----------


## L

Annoyed at a friend who was to visit to now he is bringing his girlfriend and staying in a hotel. I was looking forward to talking to him about some stuff and I don't feel up to meeting his girlfriend yet....

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

> Good luck, sure everything will go fine. 
> 
> What are you studying?



Everything _did_ go fine. Thank you for that hug.

I haven't decided what I'm studying. I just know it won't be any science-y or math-y because... no. Maybe sociology or something related to that.

----------


## L

What do you do when you are so incredibly angry and annoyed.....I can only breath.....bollocks anyway

----------


## L

> What do you do when you are so incredibly angry and annoyed.....I can only breath.....bollocks anyway



No, [BEEP] that AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa  aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh  hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

----------


## Chantellabella

> What do you do when you are so incredibly angry and annoyed.....I can only breath.....bollocks anyway




I can loan you my Illudium PU36 Explosive Space Modulator

----------


## Chantellabella

> I start college tomorrow  I'm honestly more worried about commuting there. I've only take the route a few times and everytime I have, I got lost. I can't seem to get the GPS on my phone work. I think I've got it though. Still. 22 minutes in an unfamiliar terrain, by myself, surrounded by more experienced drivers who will get annoyed at my stupidness. 
> 
> #praying2god #itwouldntbetheworstthingintheworldifameteorhitthe  schooltomorrowanditwascancelled



How did you do on your first day?  :Hug:

----------


## L

> I can loan you my Illudium PU36 Explosive Space Modulator



Do I have to go fight the rabbit for it

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

> How did you do on your first day?



Swimmingly

----------


## SmileyFace

This heat.

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

I'm like 50% percent sure I ran a red light on Thursday and I'm been busy hoping that I didn't. But in my defense, it was raining hard and it was my first time driving in rain, let alone rain like that, and the car in front of me was stopped but they had their left turn signal on so I thought they were waiting for traffic to pass so I just... kind of went. If I did pass it, then I'm sure that it was at one that had those cameras so now I'm playing the waiting game to see if I get a letter in the mail or if I'm home free  ::

----------


## SmileyFace

> I'm like 50% percent sure I ran a red light on Thursday and I'm been busy hoping that I didn't. But in my defense, it was raining hard and it was my first time driving in rain, let alone rain like that, and the car in front of me was stopped but they had their left turn signal on so I thought they were waiting for traffic to pass so I just... kind of went. If I did pass it, then I'm sure that it was at one that had those cameras so now I'm playing the waiting game to see if I get a letter in the mail or if I'm home free



Oh geez, I know the feeling lol. There's this intersection near my home... I ran a red light because the car in front of me took 495893408543 yrs to turn across the intersection... so by the time i was just right before the line, it was red but I went anyway. There are cameras... but after some researching, they're just traffic cameras, not red light cameras. Still, I anxiously looked out for the mail the next 2 weeks lol

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

> Oh geez, I know the feeling lol. There's this intersection near my home... I ran a red light because the car in front of me took 495893408543 yrs to turn across the intersection... so by the time i was just right before the line, it was red but I went anyway. There are cameras... but after some researching, they're just traffic cameras, not red light cameras. Still, I anxiously looked out for the mail the next 2 weeks lol



Aw, I was starting to feel hopeful after reading your response but then I found a site with a map of red light cameras and I'm pretty sure that there was one where I passed. Just my luck. One camera in a whole stretch of road and I had to mess up on it. 

#praying2god #itwouldntbetheworstthingintheworldifthedmvorwhoev  erisinchargeoftrafficticketswashitwithameteor

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Swimmingly



*
**hugs***

----------


## GunnyHighway



----------


## Chloe

Went to the movies to watch sinister 2 yet again a violent controlling and abusive dad featured however this time I couldn't block my ears and hid in Mattys shoulder and have him calm me down and relax me, this time I was with a new friend who hasn't seen me panic so I simply did the best i could and he put up with me shaking like a leaf cringing and jumping whenever the dad started kicking off. We left the movies and then I calmed down and we laughed about it, en route home some mornon pulled out of the junction and he had to slam on. But then he started shouting out the window clenching his fists swearing and generally being pissed off so the entire ride back I didn't move, breath or say anything. Got back and I made him wait outside while he calmed down and I tried to calm down (something that only happened once he calmed down) so annoyed about how I reacted last night feel so pathetic for doing all of that I couldn't have just gone with it at the movies and told him to pull over and get out in the car so he calmed down but I was way to scared (wimp.)

----------


## SmileyFace

> Aw, I was starting to feel hopeful after reading your response but then I found a site with a map of red light cameras and I'm pretty sure that there was one where I passed. Just my luck. One camera in a whole stretch of road and I had to mess up on it. 
> 
> #praying2god #itwouldntbetheworstthingintheworldifthedmvorwhoev  erisinchargeoftrafficticketswashitwithameteor



Not sure if this will make you feel any better... but in my area, there may be red light cameras but many of them are turned off because some cities felt they were a distraction and caused accidents even more because people freak out upon seeing them and stop abruptly...making the cars behind them bump into them xD

----------


## L

> Aw, I was starting to feel hopeful after reading your response but then I found a site with a map of red light cameras and I'm pretty sure that there was one where I passed. Just my luck. One camera in a whole stretch of road and I had to mess up on it. 
> 
> #praying2god #itwouldntbetheworstthingintheworldifthedmvorwhoev  erisinchargeoftrafficticketswashitwithameteor



If you did though, what is the worst that could happen?

----------


## L

Someday, I will not be able to hold it in, and I will snap at my mother!

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

> Not sure if this will make you feel any better... but in my area, there may be red light cameras but many of them are turned off because some cities felt they were a distraction and caused accidents even more because people freak out upon seeing them and stop abruptly...making the cars behind them bump into them xD



That actually does help a bit. Here's to hoping people in this city are equally terrible drivers.






> If you did though, what is the worst that could happen?



I'd have to pay a lot of money? Money I don't. Although I was talking to a friend last night and he'd be willing to spot me. But that was luck. Normally I wouldn't ask him seriously, but he was in a position to help, so he's helping me out for having been helping him out.

----------


## Chantellabella

I wish I could share what's bothering me right now. 

Sometimes my life is really hard.

Today's it's really hard. 

And I can't even describe it.

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

> I wish I could share what's bothering me right now. 
> 
> Sometimes my life is really hard.
> 
> Today's it's really hard. 
> 
> And I can't even describe it.



I had a hard day too without anyone to talk to about it. It's rough, but I hope that there is someone that you can talk to about it and have them understand. It can make a big difference. In the meantime:  :Hug:

----------


## kc1895

> Went to the movies to watch sinister 2 yet again a violent controlling and abusive dad featured however this time I couldn't block my ears and hid in Mattys shoulder and have him calm me down and relax me, this time I was with a new friend who hasn't seen me panic so I simply did the best i could and he put up with me shaking like a leaf cringing and jumping whenever the dad started kicking off. We left the movies and then I calmed down and we laughed about it, en route home some mornon pulled out of the junction and he had to slam on. But then he started shouting out the window clenching his fists swearing and generally being pissed off so the entire ride back I didn't move, breath or say anything. Got back and I made him wait outside while he calmed down and I tried to calm down (something that only happened once he calmed down) so annoyed about how I reacted last night feel so pathetic for doing all of that I couldn't have just gone with it at the movies and told him to pull over and get out in the car so he calmed down but I was way to scared (wimp.)



It seems like those "bad" movies keep following you!  I hate when I'm stuck watching stuff like that, and not just abusive or sexual violence but nudity on screen is a no-no for me.  I hope you can stay away from those and perhaps watch some comedy.  Have you seen Inside Out yet?  Great movie  ::):

----------


## Chantellabella

> I had a hard day too without anyone to talk to about it. It's rough, but I hope that there is someone that you can talk to about it and have them understand. It can make a big difference. In the meantime:



Thanks, my friend.  :Hug:

----------


## SmileyFace

headache.

----------


## Chloe

I've had one fish die completely out of the blue and been told that there's another on which has a Tumour who will die possibly at my hand if he starts suffering... Great

----------


## BillDauterive

AAA

----------


## Antidote

So nauseous. Urgh.

----------


## Chantellabella

Yes, everything is bothering me. 

Literally everything.

Except my cats. They're sleeping presently.

----------


## Member11

> Yes, everything is bothering me.



Aww  :Hug:

----------


## Antidote

Had three triggers in a row in the space of an hour. Now I'm horribly anxious.

----------


## Chantellabella

I lost a good friend today.  ::(:

----------


## L

> I lost a good friend today.



Ah no, *hugs* that awful xxx

----------


## Otherside

> I lost a good friend today.



 :Hug: Best wishes my friend.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Best wishes my friend.







> Ah no, *hugs* that awful xxx



 :group hug:   Thanks ya'll.

----------


## BillDauterive

My dad reminding me of how much of a loser I am.

----------


## Member11

> My dad reminding me of how much of a loser I am.



He is wrong, you are not a loser  :Hug:

----------


## L

Every part of my body hurts right now because I'm not resting myself

----------


## Otherside

My stomach really hurts. Just like it's been hurting for the last two weeks. Also loosing weight because I'm struggling to eat without feeling the need to instantly...well..._poop it out_. Painfully. 

It's really not pleasant. Got a docs appointment later today because im getting fed up with this.

----------


## Koalafan

I hate myself, the usual -___-

----------


## L

> My stomach really hurts. Just like it's been hurting for the last two weeks. Also loosing weight because I'm struggling to eat without feeling the need to instantly...well..._poop it out_. Painfully. 
> 
> It's really not pleasant. Got a docs appointment later today because im getting fed up with this.



Good luck at your appointment

----------


## Otherside

So apparently I either have IBS or stomach acidity issues, which either way, is fucking unpleasant. Gotta go back to have my arm stabbed so they can test for it. 

Also, there's apparently no medical explanation for my shaking. It's not thyroid issues, its nothing else they've tested for, and the level of depakote in my blood is to low to make it a side effect. It's getting worse. I'm struggling to write, I'm dropping things. 

There's nothing they can do. 

Sure, it's not the worst thing in the world, but it's depressing me.

There's nothing they can do.

----------


## L

> There's nothing they can do.



Some people are really sensitive to medications -  I would not be happy with them saying there is nothing they can do. You were at the GP today? Do you see a psychiatrist or who ever prescribes you the depakote?

----------


## Otherside

> Some people are really sensitive to medications -  I would not be happy with them saying there is nothing they can do. You were at the GP today? Do you see a psychiatrist or who ever prescribes you the depakote?



I was at the GP. 

I would see my psych who prescribed it but he's retired, and CMHT have yet to give me an appointment to see another one. Psych thought it was the depakote. 

Maybe I should see someone else about it, I guess.

----------


## L

> I was at the GP. 
> 
> I would see my psych who prescribed it but he's retired, and CMHT have yet to give me an appointment to see another one. Psych thought it was the depakote. 
> 
> Maybe I should see someone else about it, I guess.



I would agree that it could be the depakote, it is known for that side effect. I cannot believe they left you on it despite your levels - have you been on it long? Could you call your psych team for an appointment?

----------


## Otherside

> I would agree that it could be the depakote, it is known for that side effect. I cannot believe they left you on it despite your levels - have you been on it long? Could you call your psych team for an appointment?



Very, very well known side effect. Psych thought that it was the depakote originlly and put me on an anti-tremor pill. Unfortunatley I had a pretty bad reaction that and had to come off it. He offered to let me try another one, but I was too scared to try one. At the time, it wasn't so bad. Just bothersome really. 

They offered to take me off depakote and try another mood stabilzer, but again - the shaking wasn't so bad, and my bipolar has been pretty stable on it. I didn't want to change to something that may or may not work as well. 

But yeah, I probably ned to call the psych team. 

Thanks for help as well. I appreciate it.  ::):

----------


## L

Feeling all panicky at the moment  ::(:  I should try sleep but part of me doesn't want to

----------


## GunnyHighway

Yeah. Hydroplaned twice today. Neither actually made me crash.

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

> Yeah. Hydroplaned twice today. Neither actually made me crash.



Oh my god, glad you're okay. That sounds pretty damn scary.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Meh. With everything else going on in my life right now, dying in a speeding SUV sounds like a nice alternative.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Random, strong heart palpitations. If memory serves, it won't happen again anytime soon. And I can't tell if the leftover jitteriness is a product of that, or anxiety over thinking I have my dad's heart condition. Myself or one of my siblings is pretty much guaranteed to have it.

----------


## Antidote

^ Sorry to hear that. I was having alarming and horrible palpitations last night too (well I hope it was just palpitations). Even after years of having episodes of it, it's still hard to get used to it. 

Feeling really bored and anhedonic lately. I wish I could be bothered to get out more.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> ^ Sorry to hear that. I was having alarming and horrible palpitations last night too (well I hope it was just palpitations). Even after years of having episodes of it, it's still hard to get used to it. 
> 
> Feeling really bored and anhedonic lately. I wish I could be bothered to get out more.



Yeah, they come outta nowhere so it's hard to prepare yourself. I'm sorry you're dealing with them as well. Are yours strictly from anxiety? I'm not sure what's involved with getting tested for the heart issue, but I should probably get on that. 
I wish I could be bothered to go out more, too. I've always got some excuse as to why I'm not going out for evening walks. 

-

Emailing my old former teacher back about employment stuffs >.<. I wonder if it's a shock to them in the slightest that I don't want to pursue a career in dental assisting. I feel like it was blatantly obvious I wasn't enjoying myself and didn't fit it. Employment opportunities for working in a dental lab in my city look...scarce. I really don't think I can manage busing into the next city over, especially if we're going to have another crazy winter. I hate that city. I'd also move there anyway just to have a job that doesn't keep me up at night. It would be a while before I could afford to move though, and in the meantime I've had enough of trying to navigate a foreign city. Going to school there was bad enough, and that was with getting a drive to campus. 

I'm not _totally_ opposed to the business assistant jobs, I'd just much rather be on my own an not be dealing with people.

There are jobs for people like me, they're just not in my city and that's highly depressing. Everything's out of reach.

----------


## Antidote

> Yeah, they come outta nowhere so it's hard to prepare yourself. I'm sorry you're dealing with them as well. Are yours strictly from anxiety? I'm not sure what's involved with getting tested for the heart issue, but I should probably get on that. 
> I wish I could be bothered to go out more, too. I've always got some excuse as to why I'm not going out for evening walks.



Anxiety does make them worse for me and can also give me tachycardia. But it's not strictly due to anxiety in my case. I do have a thyroid issue which can trigger them and other times I find sudden changes in lifestyle can set them off. Like if I do strenuous exercise after a long period of being lazy. Or if I drink a lot of water after being dehydrated. I've had them checked out and apparently nothing is wrong, but it still sucks and I wish they'd go away. You should probably get yours checked out because it will probably give you some peace of mind to get on top of it. I was reading about them online and apparently everyone gets palpitations but some people just feel them more than others, which is slightly reassuring.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Anxiety does make them worse for me and can also give me tachycardia. But it's not strictly due to anxiety in my case. I do have a thyroid issue which can trigger them and other times I find sudden changes in lifestyle can set them off. Like if I do strenuous exercise after a long period of being lazy. Or if I drink a lot of water after being dehydrated. I've had them checked out and apparently nothing is wrong, but it still sucks and I wish they'd go away. You should probably get yours checked out because it will probably give you some peace of mind to get on top of it. I was reading about them online and apparently everyone gets palpitations but some people just feel them more than others, which is slightly reassuring.



I've had my thyroid checked multiple times, but every time nothing was wrong. My doctors over the years especially though that might be the problem because I also sweat excessively. I don't do very much strenuous exercise, but I'm always a little weary of unintentionally triggering palpitations. I don't think it's happened in that setting before. As far as I know mine's just from anxiety. It is reassuring to know that this is so common though.

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

When all your favorite shows are starting back up but you won't be able to watch them live because you're working >.<

----------


## Antidote

Really dismayed by the current 70s fashion revival. No I don't want to look like I just came out of woodstock. Can we just leave this trend to die in the past? It's getting hard to just like, buy a top.

----------


## L

well that was an interesting day at work  to say the least....

----------


## SmileyFace

Skin infection.

And... I was doing so well last week with diet, but I'm going back down to old bad habits this week and I already felt the awful effects of it the moment I bit into McDonald's cheeseburgers.

----------


## Chantellabella

People can be so rude when they hide behind the internet. You have to wonder why people think it's ok to bash others. Are they just miserable in life and want to step on others because they can't fix their own problems? I get it. I used to fight to avoid pain. But I've seen people actually set out to hurt others just for the hell of it. Then they hide behind a user name. Very cowardly.

----------


## Hexagon

I'm so defeated by this point that I wish I could die in my sleep... I hate myself.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Disappointed with my parents and how they handle their relationships with the very few friends they have...

----------


## L

pain in my arm

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Last time I was at a job interview was maybe six years ago, so I'm looking up common interview questions and attempting to create a word document that provides please-hire-me-I-promise-I'm-not-an-idiot answers. I'm imagining how flustered I'd get and either blank out completely or ramble on for too long about nothing. I'm clearly envisioning the level of anxiety I'd have to be in that interviewee seat. How my heart would race, my hands would shake, my voice would quaver, and I'd forget anything I had planned to say. Thanks, brain. 

I can't stand how cryptic so many of the questions are. We're gonna ask you what your biggest weakness is, but at the same time we don't want to hear about your biggest weakness. And why can't I just say I'm a dedicated worker who really needs money? That I'll do whatever you ask of me and not groan about not having enough vacation days? I need employment, give me a chance and you won't be disappointed? 

No, you have to be a fucking wordsmith.

----------


## Chantellabella

My credit card bill.

And my car needs major parts, squirrels are trying to eat their way into my house, and my dishwasher walks across my floor when I try to shut it. 

I know God doesn't play the lottery, but dang! I need a financial break. I really do.

----------


## SmileyFace

Mother talked crap about me to my boyfriend with me right there. Claiming she had to do everything in the house when I still lived there, when all that was a fuckin lie.

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

> Last time I was at a job interview was maybe six years ago, so I'm looking up common interview questions and attempting to create a word document that provides please-hire-me-I-promise-I'm-not-an-idiot answers. I'm imagining how flustered I'd get and either blank out completely or ramble on for too long about nothing. I'm clearly envisioning the level of anxiety I'd have to be in that interviewee seat. How my heart would race, my hands would shake, my voice would quaver, and I'd forget anything I had planned to say. Thanks, brain. 
> 
> I can't stand how cryptic so many of the questions are. We're gonna ask you what your biggest weakness is, but at the same time we don't want to hear about your biggest weakness. And why can't I just say I'm a dedicated worker who really needs money? That I'll do whatever you ask of me and not groan about not having enough vacation days? I need employment, give me a chance and you won't be disappointed? 
> 
> No, you have to be a fucking wordsmith.

----------


## BillDauterive

AAA

----------


## Otherside

One of the nicest people I know died last night. How is the world fair sometimes?  ::

----------


## Chantellabella

> One of the nicest people I know died last night. How is the world fair sometimes?



I'm sorry.  :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

I've lived in this town for a year and a half and I haven't found anybody that I would like to be friends with. What is wrong with this place? Is it the water? 

I find that I'm hibernating now. 

So I try to reach out to someone who I've come the closest with since I got here. I just wanted to maybe talk, spend some time with her because she works like 24/7 and is married. So she invites me to a "girl's night out" with her and some other person. We're supposed to go to a play and meet at a restaurant before. But even though she lives down the street, I have to drive myself while they go together in her car? Why?

I didn't ask for this. That sounds like no fun. I feel like a third wheel. This isn't what I wanted. But I'm stuck because she bought me a ticket to the play and I promised to buy the meal. I think her friend is like 20 years older than me and she's 10 years older than me.

I don't want to hang with older people because I want to do things like play laser tag and go to Renaissance Festivals. But I don't want to hang with younger people because I don't get the connected to facebook 24/7. I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I don't know anybody around my age who likes to be extremely active. I don't sit around and watch TV. 

I swear that I am so frustrated that I want to chunk humans and just live as a hermit with my cats.

----------


## GunnyHighway

Week and a half of vacation comes to an end. Back to the grind.

----------


## Chantellabella

Awesome!  ::):

----------


## L

I'm very strange....

----------


## BillDauterive

AAA

----------


## Otherside

Fucking impuslitivity. Spend a load of money today I don't have. 

Got lucky that I was able to return the stuff.

----------


## SmileyFace

Don't feel liked at all at work lately. Don't think I was ever liked. Pretty much sensed from the beginning that people thought of me as weird.. I couldn't help but be super quiet. But now that I talk a lot more, I get the vibe that I'm not a likable individual. Most conversations I'd have are awkward. I have a bad habit of interrupting people even when I try to hold my tongue. And when I try to say what I try to say, things just come out weird.

It is also frustrating that many people cannot seem to ever understand what I am saying. I guess everything that comes out of my mouth is a mumble jumble. Muttering. It's tiring repeating myself. But then I'd feel like an idiot repeating stuff in syllables. Or try to straight up talk in that fashion to ensure people understand me.

Things have been so frustrating lately as far as interactions with people go. I just feel the need to crawl back into my shell and go back to not being open about myself again like I was years ago.

----------


## GunnyHighway

And as a kick in the nuts, in exchange for the whole 8 days of vacation I had, the world decided it was time to take my nan away. We all knew it was coming seeing as she could barely speak anymore, but it still hurts now that it has happened.

----------


## Hexagon

I feel hopeless. I've poured so much energy into university, and I know that once I graduate, I'll still be out of work, out of really any decent future. I'm not intelligent enough to do well, I think. School is really all about money and hoops though, I mean it is kind of a shitty indicator of your worth, but when people base your capability on an expensive piece of paper, it's a difficult trope to get past. I'm in a tough predicament because if I never went to uni, I'd most likely be unemployed right now, with really no future, but on the other hand my future looks nearly as bleak. It's things like this that make me wish I hadn't been born in the first place, I'm really too weak to deal with life and the arbitrary societal standards pushed on us, the pressure that comes with consumption, exacerbated by the principles of capitalism, an idea of taking as much as you can and fucking everyone else over. It really all just feels pointless.

----------


## Otherside

O2 have taken too much money off me.  And no, I did not go over my monthly allowances. It even says that on the bloody phone bill.

Also too much bloody work. Entering hermit mode for the weekend. Try and get this done. 

Doesn't help that the programming lecturer is crap. Seriously, didn't teach us a thing and coursework is due next week. 

Help.

----------


## Total Eclipse

I feel sad  ::(:

----------


## Inscrutable Banana

Relationship troubles.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Last time I was at a job interview was maybe six years ago, so I'm looking up common interview questions and attempting to create a word document that provides please-hire-me-I-promise-I'm-not-an-idiot answers. I'm imagining how flustered I'd get and either blank out completely or ramble on for too long about nothing. I'm clearly envisioning the level of anxiety I'd have to be in that interviewee seat. How my heart would race, my hands would shake, my voice would quaver, and I'd forget anything I had planned to say. Thanks, brain. 
> 
> I can't stand how cryptic so many of the questions are. We're gonna ask you what your biggest weakness is, but at the same time we don't want to hear about your biggest weakness. And why can't I just say I'm a dedicated worker who really needs money? That I'll do whatever you ask of me and not groan about not having enough vacation days? I need employment, give me a chance and you won't be disappointed? 
> 
> No, you have to be a fucking wordsmith.



that reminded me of this meme:



Good luck with your job hunting, Illusion!  :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

Knee pain. Need to see a doctor but it's just too hard to find the time when working full time :/

----------


## Otherside

IBS flare up.  ::!:

----------


## Member11

So much pain, stupid meds are useless  ::'(:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> that reminded me of this meme:
> 
> [snip]
> 
> Good luck with your job hunting, Illusion!



Thanks, Kirse  ::):  I hope you get in to see a doctor soon  :Hug:

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

Graaaaaah never before have I wished to have my own place or at least living with someone who doesn't care enough about me to let me have freedom.  :argh:

----------


## Koalafan

> Last time I was at a job interview was maybe six years ago, so I'm looking up common interview questions and attempting to create a word document that provides please-hire-me-I-promise-I'm-not-an-idiot answers. I'm imagining how flustered I'd get and either blank out completely or ramble on for too long about nothing. I'm clearly envisioning the level of anxiety I'd have to be in that interviewee seat. How my heart would race, my hands would shake, my voice would quaver, and I'd forget anything I had planned to say. Thanks, brain. 
> 
> I can't stand how cryptic so many of the questions are. We're gonna ask you what your biggest weakness is, but at the same time we don't want to hear about your biggest weakness. And why can't I just say I'm a dedicated worker who really needs money? That I'll do whatever you ask of me and not groan about not having enough vacation days? I need employment, give me a chance and you won't be disappointed? 
> 
> No, you have to be a fucking wordsmith.



Interviews are just dreadful for me. I had one interview that started to drift towards my religious preference and things got mighty awkward for both of us. She asked how I tend to spend my Sundays and if I "volunteer" to do stuff on the weekends and I thought...Oh jeez it's heading towards that area -_____- needless to say I didn't get the job lol

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Interviews are just dreadful for me. I had one interview that started to drift towards my religious preference and things got mighty awkward for both of us. She asked how I tend to spend my Sundays and if I "volunteer" to do stuff on the weekends and I thought...Oh jeez it's heading towards that area -_____- needless to say I didn't get the job lol



Damn, what was the interview for? I wasn't aware they could bring up religion. Maybe that's a rarity. Since when does how you spend your Sundays correlate with how well you're able to do your job? They've successfully turned away plenty of suitable workers with bs like that, I'm sure.

----------


## kelp

Impacted upper wisdom tooth and tomorrow going to talk to surgeon about it.  :hide:

----------


## emorin613

Well if you have to get them removed just ignore what some people say about the procedure. It's not bad at all, I got 4 out at once and the only discomfort I had was the weirdness of not feeling them with my tongue anymore  ::):

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

> Well if you have to get them removed just ignore what some people say about the procedure. It's not bad at all, I got 4 out at once and the only discomfort I had was the weirdness of not feeling them with my tongue anymore



It didn't feel weird having the dentist jiggle the tooth out of your head? I don't it wouldn't be painful but teeth are in there pretty deep. Just having them slide out would be pretty... gross.

----------


## emorin613

If you ask they can put you to sleep, that's what I did. All I remember is they put the mask on and told me to countdown from 10 and I was out before 5. Next thing I know I'm already in the waiting room with my dad.  Happened so fast I didn't have time to freak out  ::):   I tried to pay on my way out but they told me I just did 5 minutes ago.. didn't remember that either haha.  Anyway, no real pain even afterwords, just a bit of bleeding that day but nothing too bad.  ::):

----------


## SmileyFace

Anxiety has been through the roof the last 2 weeks or so.

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

I just saw my work schedule for this week  :Rain:   ::'(:   ::   :dazed:  Why did I ever think I could handle being a cashier?

----------


## Member11

bad week, I got admitted into hospital twice and had to deal with condescending specialists while in a lot of pain  ::'(:  and now I also have to use a walking stick because my bones are wasting away, while my liver is shutting down

----------


## Kirsebaer

> bad week, I got admitted into hospital twice and had to deal with condescending specialists while in a lot of pain  and now I also have to use a walking stick because my bones are wasting away, while my liver is shutting down



 ::o:  wait, what's going on, Jerry?? that doesn't sound good, I'm so sorry  ::(:

----------


## L

> bad week, I got admitted into hospital twice and had to deal with condescending specialists while in a lot of pain  and now I also have to use a walking stick because my bones are wasting away, while my liver is shutting down



Ah Crap - not much but letting you know I am thinking of you xx

----------


## Chantellabella

> bad week, I got admitted into hospital twice and had to deal with condescending specialists while in a lot of pain  and now I also have to use a walking stick because my bones are wasting away, while my liver is shutting down



That's so scary! Let us know how you're doing. I didn't realize your illness had gotten that bad.  ::(:  I'm sorry.

----------


## Otherside

> bad week, I got admitted into hospital twice and had to deal with condescending specialists while in a lot of pain  and now I also have to use a walking stick because my bones are wasting away, while my liver is shutting down



 :Hug: I'm sorry to hear that Jerry. You get well soon. You need anything, just ask.

----------


## kelp

> bad week, I got admitted into hospital twice and had to deal with condescending specialists while in a lot of pain  and now I also have to use a walking stick because my bones are wasting away, while my liver is shutting down



 :Rose:  ::teddy::  :Hug:

----------


## Member11

> that doesn't sound good, I'm so sorry







> Ah Crap - not much but letting you know I am thinking of you xx







> That's so scary! Let us know how you're doing. I didn't realize your illness had gotten that bad.  I'm sorry.







> I'm sorry to hear that Jerry. You get well soon. You need anything, just ask.







> 



Thanks guys, that means a lot  :Hug: 





> wait, what's going on, Jerry??



Been having a few health issues, it's been quite hard to deal with to say the least.

----------


## fetisha

I wish I had more energy

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Thanks guys, that means a lot 
> 
> 
> 
> Been having a few health issues, it's been quite hard to deal with to say the least.



That sounds terrible Jerry, I hope you feel better soon  :Hug:

----------


## Koalafan

> Damn, what was the interview for? I wasn't aware they could bring up religion. Maybe that's a rarity. Since when does how you spend your Sundays correlate with how well you're able to do your job? They've successfully turned away plenty of suitable workers with bs like that, I'm sure.



It was a place that sold novelty popcorn, it was family owned and local so I guess they felt they could be a little more "specific" with the kind of questions they where asking  :Tongue: . Here in the states it's actually illegal to ask someone about their religion specifically but you know...there are questions you can ask to get around it -_____-.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> It was a place that sold novelty popcorn, it was family owned and local so I guess they felt they could be a little more "specific" with the kind of questions they where asking . Here in the states it's actually illegal to ask someone about their religion specifically but you know...there are questions you can ask to get around it -_____-.



Ahhh, I see. Sneaky little buggers. *throws popcorn at them*

----------


## SmileyFace

There's something about me that makes people not like me...

People seem to get irritated with me easily :/ even complete strangers. It's so frustrating.

Things aren't any better at work either.

Makes me want to hide in a shell and do whatever makes me happy and not express or share it with anyone except for like 2-3 people.

----------


## Chantellabella

I feel terrified presently. I heard an owl hooting and for some reason I'm terrified. I hate being scared. I hate not knowing what to even fight.

----------


## dkm1129

The fact that it's been 2 months and I haven't gotten a job yet

----------


## Otherside

Feeling like crap at one in the the morning. Somehow the fact that it's dark and I'm alone makes it worse.

Also, missing milk. I rather did enjoy having milk with my coffees.

----------


## Chantellabella

Feeling really overworked.  ::(:

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugghghghghghgh. Homework. Someone pls just do it for me. I want to sleep so bad.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Knee, back and feet pain. Working full time as a waitress can be quite hard on the body  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

> Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuugghghghghghgh. Homework. Someone pls just do it for me. I want to sleep so bad.



I know those feels. All too familiar right now.

Keep at it. If all else fails coffee is your friend.

----------


## Otherside

Humanties making me sick this morning. 

Paris was attacked like night, and I'm already watching people try and turn it to fit there own political agenda. 

I don't give a [BEEP] if lighter gun controls could have stopped it, I'm not going to "sympathize and understand the terrorists." People got killed and all you care about is pathetic agenda?

----------


## Chantellabella

> Humanties making me sick this morning. 
> 
> Paris was attacked like night, and I'm already watching people try and turn it to fit there own political agenda. 
> 
> I don't give a [BEEP] if lighter gun controls could have stopped it, I'm not going to "sympathize and understand the terrorists." People got killed and all you care about is pathetic agenda?



I hope Kirsebaer is ok.

----------


## SmileyFace

Very anxious and angry all of a sudden today :/

----------


## L

> I hope Kirsebaer is ok.



I have been thinking the same

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

> I have been thinking the same



Me too! But she posted yesterday morning so I think she's alright. Have any of you asked?

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I hope Kirsebaer is ok.







> I have been thinking the same







> Me too! But she posted yesterday morning so I think she's alright. Have any of you asked?



Just saw these messages. I'm fine, thank you so much you guys  :Hug:  I live on the French-Swiss border and fortunately I wasn't visiting Paris at the time of the attacks. My brother-in-law lives in Paris though, as well as some friends, so it was really scary to think that they could have been some of the victims.
Thank you for thinking of me... you guys are the best  :Hug:   :Heart:

----------


## Koalafan

> Just saw these messages. I'm fine, thank you so much you guys  I live on the French-Swiss border and fortunately I wasn't visiting Paris at the time of the attacks. My brother-in-law lives in Paris though, as well as some friends, so it was really scary to think that they could have been some of the victims.
> Thank you for thinking of me... you guys are the best



Glad to hear everything is okay!!  :Celebrate:   :Hug:

----------


## Sagan

Glad to hear you're ok Kirse!

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Just saw these messages. I'm fine, thank you so much you guys  I live on the French-Swiss border and fortunately I wasn't visiting Paris at the time of the attacks. My brother-in-law lives in Paris though, as well as some friends, so it was really scary to think that they could have been some of the victims.
> Thank you for thinking of me... you guys are the best



Thank goodness you weren't tangled up in that mess.  ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Still more hope for the job opportunity. My only worry here is that I'm getting my hopes up for nothing. That can be dangerous for me. I want this so badly, and a need the stability of a job like I need the air that I breathe. With Christmas coming up and my first student loan payment directly after, I want to jump for joy hearing there's a chance the company might want another member before January. But I can't do that just yet. All I can do is spice up my resume and make sure it gets delivered. Apparently mine would be the first one seen, since technically they're not hiring _yet_ but all the employees disagree with that decision, having to work late and come in on their so-called vacation days to help out. Some people there know me, and know that I'm a good worker. I worked with them for nearly four years. There's not a single negative word they would say about me, so in other words, there are all the references I didn't have before! It's almost too good to be true. <--- Which is exactly why I can't get too hopeful. 

Having no medical insurance is a real cash cow in my life at the moment, spending $80 every four weeks on some topical treatment that doesn't seem to be working. Use it for six months, they said. Well, it'll have been eight months soon. Time to make another doctor appointment. I can't explain the frustration of this possibly just not working for me, and having all that money be wasted. Could've gone to Christmas or my loan. I'm essentially feeding money into a paper shredder if that's the case. 

Case in point: I need money.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Glad to hear you're ok Kirse!







> Thank goodness you weren't tangled up in that mess.



 :Hug:   :Kiss:   :Heart:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Still more hope for the job opportunity. My only worry here is that I'm getting my hopes up for nothing. That can be dangerous for me. I want this so badly, and a need the stability of a job like I need the air that I breathe. With Christmas coming up and my first student loan payment directly after, I want to jump for joy hearing there's a chance the company might want another member before January. But I can't do that just yet. All I can do is spice up my resume and make sure it gets delivered. Apparently mine would be the first one seen, since technically they're not hiring _yet_ but all the employees disagree with that decision, having to work late and come in on their so-called vacation days to help out. Some people there know me, and know that I'm a good worker. I worked with them for nearly four years. There's not a single negative word they would say about me, so in other words, there are all the references I didn't have before! It's almost too good to be true. <--- Which is exactly why I can't get too hopeful. 
> 
> Having no medical insurance is a real cash cow in my life at the moment, spending $80 every four weeks on some topical treatment that doesn't seem to be working. Use it for six months, they said. Well, it'll have been eight months soon. Time to make another doctor appointment. I can't explain the frustration of this possibly just not working for me, and having all that money be wasted. Could've gone to Christmas or my loan. I'm essentially feeding money into a paper shredder if that's the case. 
> 
> Case in point: I need money.



Crossing my fingers for you. I really hope you'll get that job!  :Hug:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Crossing my fingers for you. I really hope you'll get that job!



Thanks Kirse, you and me both. I have major doubts they'll want me before January, but my chances of being their first choice look pretty good. Tomorrow my resume will be faxed via an old coworker.  ::):

----------


## Chantellabella

My heart is very broken.  ::(:

----------


## Member11

> My heart is very broken.



What's wrong?  ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

I feel sorry for my ex husband because he has no coping skills to deal with real problems.

He blames, drinks, gets angry


I try to understand that he's just ill equipped 

But he chose to not get help. 
He keeps his mind closed to any possibility that things were also his responsibility to fix
He refuses to take blame

So I can't feel fully sorry for him


And at those moments, I get angry and want to slap him

Not that I will

I just want to because it frustrates me

----------


## L

Being a nurse it shit, im done with this crap...

----------


## Chantellabella

> Being a nurse it shit, im done with this crap...



Hang in there, my friend. We all have shitty days at work..................especially when people treat us mean  :Hug:  

 :freehug:

----------


## Chantellabella

> Being a nurse it shit, im done with this crap...



I'm sorry you're struggling.  ::(:

----------


## L

> I'm sorry you're struggling.



Have an interview for a new hospital in a few days, but im so close to handing in ny notice today

----------


## Chantellabella

> Have an interview for a new hospital in a few days, but im so close to handing in ny notice today



It sucks when our work environment is tough. I stayed with a place for 5.5 years, being bullied every day by my boss and literally had PTSD from it for at least a year after I left.

----------


## Koalafan

I wish I wasn't so lonely

----------


## fetisha

I hate being easily attached to someone

----------


## Chantellabella

> I wish I wasn't so lonely



 :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

I wish life on earth was easier. 

I know that there's something beyond life and that I need to be patient. 

That there's some bigger picture.

But I'm just being honest. It's tough facing big problems on earth. 

Sigh.  ::(: 


I know I need to let this sadness go and actually be happy that God is helping my son. My brain isn't attached to my broken heart though.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Still feeling totally jet-lagged. Between California and here there's a 9 hour time difference.. I've Been back in France since Sunday evening, got back to work Monday morning and I've been struggling to stay awake during my shifts... I wonder when my body will finally get used to French time

----------


## Koalafan

> 



Thank you!!! Hugs back to you Chanty  :Hug:

----------


## Otherside

We are now bombing Syria. Because hey, an illegal war in Iraq went so well. 

Disapointed in you Britain.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Soo tired all the time, I wish I could sleep 12h in a row...

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I wish I wasn't so lonely



Sometimes I feel the same. Although my wife is also my best friend, I wish I could sometimes hang out with the few good friends I have which unfortunately I haven't even met in person. If you lived in France I'd definitely want to hang out with you. I'm sure you'd be the best company to go out and discover new craft beers with  ::D:   :Hug:

----------


## Koalafan

> Sometimes I feel the same. Although my wife is also my best friend, I wish I could sometimes hang out with the few good friends I have which unfortunately I haven't even met in person. If you lived in France I'd definitely want to hang out with you. I'm sure you'd be the best company to go out and discover new craft beers with



Aww this post made my day!!  :Hug:  It would be awesome to go and do that one day for sure!  ::D:   :koala:  Thanks, Kirse  ::):

----------


## Chantellabella

I failed as a mother.  ::(:  

I failed my children.  ::(:

----------


## Member11

> I failed as a mother.  
> 
> I failed my children.



 :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

Sorry about the shallowness of this post compared to what we normally post in this thread, but I'm upset cause I couldn't get tickets to see Adele next year... they were sold out almost immediately as they became available  ::'(:  I really wanted to go to her concert.. I've been waiting for years...

----------


## Koalafan

Having depression episodes at work are really fun. It's really awesome trying to do your job and not break down and cry at the same time. I hate these rapid mood swings

----------


## L

I have an interview in 3 hours, a sprained wrist, sore throat and blocked nose

----------


## L

> Having depression episodes at work are really fun. It's really awesome trying to do your job and not break down and cry at the same time. I hate these rapid mood swings



 :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Having depression episodes at work are really fun. It's really awesome trying to do your job and not break down and cry at the same time. I hate these rapid mood swings



 ::(:   :Hug:   :Kiss:  I hope u're feeling better today

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I have an interview in 3 hours, a sprained wrist, sore throat and blocked nose



Good luck with the interview!  :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I failed as a mother.  
> 
> I failed my children.



I don't have anything useful to say but I wanted to give you a hug...  :Hug:

----------


## L

> Good luck with the interview!



It wasn't toooo bad but I just dropped a bottle on my foot too add another ouch to my collection

----------


## SmileyFace

So irritated about everything and everyone today.

----------


## Koalafan

> 







> I hope u're feeling better today



Aww thank you guys!!  :Hug:  I'm feeling quite a bit better today, thank you  ::):

----------


## Chantellabella

I just wanted to say thank you guys for your supportive caring words, and also remember my friends, that you're not alone, you have friends here, and we care when you're hurting.  :group hug:

----------


## poisontongue

Humph, if only I could will my anxiety away, sadness... but I can't believe that my thoughts are truly distorted at this point.  But, you know, I don't even know how to keep myself busy or derive enjoyment out of being alone, doing solo activities and I certainly don't have any sort of inkling as to what kinds of activities would both interest me and put me in contact with others (let alone positive contact, I've tried and I've failed miserably).  Hell I'm not even successful at making friends online, through words, unlike everyone else.  There's not even a point to wondering what it would be like to be in a relationship, as that's so far away compared to taking care of the most basic and pressing aspects of life right now.  Forgive me if I don't appear hopeful.  No matter what I do, I get the feeling that all I'm doing is wasting time and taking another step on the road of inevitable failure.

Plus the comic page is not working, so I can't distract myself with that today.

----------


## Member11

> I just wanted to say thank you guys for your supportive caring words, and also remember my friends, that you're not alone, you have friends here, and we care when you're hurting.



Awww  :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Sorry about the shallowness of this post compared to what we normally post in this thread, but I'm upset cause I couldn't get tickets to see Adele next year... they were sold out almost immediately as they became available  I really wanted to go to her concert.. I've been waiting for years...



Now I have tickets!!!  :Celebrate:  but this should go on a different thread  :Tongue:

----------


## L

I am so anxious about tomorrow, I'm sick and freaked out ....close to crying...maybe panic attack.

----------


## Chantellabella

> I am so anxious about tomorrow, I'm sick and freaked out ....close to crying...maybe panic attack.



*gentle hug*
 :Hug:

----------


## Otherside

Look, I am not giving you my fucking work, and I am at the point where I am getting sick of helping you, because it just turns into you asking "well couldn't you send me your work?"

NO [BEEP] NO I have spent hours and hours tryng to get my code to work and I am not handing it to you so that I can get done for plagarism. Do your own fucking work.

----------


## poisontongue

I hate holidays.  I feel so alone.

----------


## Member11

I was feeling good and enjoying myself today, and then I got two insulting messages that ruined my mood and day.

Fuck, why do horrible people exist?!  ::'(:

----------


## Chantellabella

> Look, I am not giving you my fucking work, and I am at the point where I am getting sick of helping you, because it just turns into you asking "well couldn't you send me your work?"
> 
> NO [BEEP] NO I have spent hours and hours tryng to get my code to work and I am not handing it to you so that I can get done for plagarism. Do your own fucking work.



I have a few shovels you can borrow.  ::):  

 :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

> I hate holidays.  I feel so alone.



Holidays do that because of all the hype about family and friends. So yeah, they can suck. I wonder though if the only people actually looking like the TV shows are the ones from undivorced families who live in delusion. For the rest of the world, I think the majority of us feel the same way.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Fuck, why do horrible people exist?!



Maybe to make us remember that we aren't horrible. This world has to have some nice people. You're one of those nice people, Jerry.

----------


## poisontongue

> Holidays do that because of all the hype about family and friends. So yeah, they can suck. I wonder though if the only people actually looking like the TV shows are the ones from undivorced families who live in delusion. For the rest of the world, I think the majority of us feel the same way.



Ends up extra worse with family and no friends  :Tongue:   TV shows sure paint an idealistic picture, even though we're supposed to be far removed from the "Leave it to Beaver" mentality.  I'm tired of watching everyone else's "normalcy."

----------


## Chantellabella

I am just feeling very angry.

I'm angry at my son for fucking up his life
I'm angry at my ex for teaching my sons how to [BEEP] up their life - and I'm angry at him because he acts like a fucking holy roly now. 
I'm angry with myself for not parenting better
I'm angry with this stupid [BEEP] kid who keeps disrupting our teen programs
I'm angry with my other son for shoving rainbows and sunshine good times at me and never once asking about his brother - no wonder he couldn't find a best man for his weeding - it's all about him him him
I'm angry at my daughter for keeping in her feelings and getting angry at me if I feel anything
I'm angry at a clueless co-worker who makes her problems my problems
I'm angry because there was a beautiful sunset today and my stupid son who ruined his life won't get to see things like that for a very long time
I'm angry at my mother for putting her crazy [BEEP] sister ahead of every damned thing in her life - including her own health
I'm angry at my aunt for being a bigoted ignorant selfish bitch
I'm angry with my youngest brother for refusing to talk to me for 35 years because I left him to get married
I'm angry at my gossiping sister-in-law who will tell my mother about my son the minute she gets her drama llama hands on the information
I'm angry at people who set out to hurt me
I'm angry at lying bitches in my life
I'm angry at people who play guessing games - either tell me or don't but don't egg me on then go "Oh never mind."
I'm angry at jealous people who go out of their way to sabotage me
I'm angry at God for allowing my son to ruin his life and then "fixing him" in this way
I'm angry that I'm in debt with no way to pay it off

And I'm angry because I know it would be better to let all of that go and just feel blessed and patient.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Negative thoughts about myself creeping in...

----------


## fetisha

Im so disgusted with myself now

----------


## Member11

> Negative thoughts about myself creeping in...



I bopa those thoughts away  :bopa: 





> Im so disgusted with myself now



Why?  ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I bopa those thoughts away



Thanks Jerry!  ::D:

----------


## Chantellabella

Dear college slow learner children who live behind me. That's now 4 times that I have called the police on you for loud parties in your backyard. I have been up since 3 am when you woke me up and now I have to drive 8 hours to see my son in prison, who by the way does not shoot at children like you do. Yet, you assholes, think you can rule the world because mama and daddy have money and you have so much money that you can party as loudly as you want in a neighborhood outside..............so loud that I am woken up in the front of my house while you live behind me. 

The only happiness I have about you is that you will fail in your life because you are so damned dumb assed that nobody will ever take you seriously. You will be a failure to humanity, and yes, there is no way that St. Peter will let you cross those pearly gates. There's a noise ordinance in heaven also. Did you know that? 

So when I get back, I will post this lovely sign on the back of my shed. IF you can read, dear jackasses who live behind me, read it.

Texas Law Violation
A loud party or noise violation falls under the Texas Penal Code Section 42.01 Disorderly Conduct (a)(5): a person commits an offense if he intentionally or knowingly; makes unreasonable noise in a public place other than a sport shooting range, or in or near a private residence that he has no right to occupy. Disorderly Conduct is a Class C Misdemeanor and is punishable by fine up to $ 500.00.
Action Taken . . .
If officers determine you are in violation of the Disorderly Conduct statute, each resident will receive a citation. If necessary, arrests will be made.
If the police department responds to a second complaint of loud noise or music and officers determine you are in violation of the Disorderly Conduct statute, each resident may be arrested.
Alcohol is found at most loud party/loud music complaints. All alcohol violations will be strictly enforced.
Follow Up . . .
Property owners and property managers will be notified of all noise and alcohol violations occurring on their property.
Property owners will have to make decisions on handling these violations. If the violations of the Texas Penal Code and Texas Alcoholic Beverage Code continue, the Texas nuisance abatement statue may be enforced. This action can result in civil prosecution of property owners.

For you slow learners, this means SHUT THE [BEEP] UP!

The police WILL be called and you be cited if I hear noise while I’m in my house any time of the day or night.

----------


## tinman

Started year off bad anxiety back with a vengeance. Whatever i fear comes true .tired of not having whaterver i hope not come true too many years of this it never changes . Whats the lesson? Why the pain ?why never the reward ?

----------


## Otherside

> Dear college slow learner children who live behind me. That's now 4 times that I have called the police on you for loud parties in your backyard. I have been up since 3 am when you woke me up and now I have to drive 8 hours to see my son in prison, who by the way does not shoot at children like you do. Yet, you assholes, think you can rule the world because mama and daddy have money and you have so much money that you can party as loudly as you want in a neighborhood outside..............so loud that I am woken up in the front of my house while you live behind me. 
> 
> The only happiness I have about you is that you will fail in your life because you are so damned dumb assed that nobody will ever take you seriously. You will be a failure to humanity, and yes, there is no way that St. Peter will let you cross those pearly gates. There's a noise ordinance in heaven also. Did you know that? 
> 
> So when I get back, I will post this lovely sign on the back of my shed. IF you can read, dear jackasses who live behind me, read it.
> 
> Texas Law Violation
> A loud party or noise violation falls under the Texas Penal Code Section 42.01 Disorderly Conduct (a)(5): a person commits an offense if he intentionally or knowingly; makes unreasonable noise in a public place other than a sport shooting range, or in or near a private residence that he has no right to occupy. Disorderly Conduct is a Class C Misdemeanor and is punishable by fine up to $ 500.00.
> Action Taken . . .
> ...



:hug 

Know Internet hugs don't solve everything for you (and I wish they did. You don't deserve all this crap). 

Here if you need me, my friend.

----------


## Chantellabella

> :hug 
> 
> Know Internet hugs don't solve everything for you (and I wish they did. You don't deserve all this crap). 
> 
> Here if you need me, my friend.



Thanks,  :Hug: 

I need a lot right now. I'm overwhelmed with how much sucking my life is right now. And to top it off, I don't even understand half of what is going on in my life. I'm really beginning to lose some hope here that things will get better. I know it's a pity party. It's just really hard to deal with stuff right now. And to top it off, yesterday after getting an email from my (ex) therapist, two of my alters that I truly need took off. I really want to just hide in a hole, but I have to keep going.

----------


## MissL

A lot, at the moment. Just joined this site ten minutes ago and I feel like I need to get things of my chest. I feel like lately my anxiety is becoming worse and I think maybe if I talked to someone who gets it, I might feel better. You know that feeling in your chest, it just numbs you, you canÂ´t get excited about anything anymore. My friends are all too far away, emotionally or physically. And since my anxiety has only become "obvious" in the last few years, IÂ´m afraid people may treat this as a new sensation, like IÂ´m jumping up on the anxiety-trend-train. IÂ´m unhappy with my job, but I tell myself I shouldnÂ´t complain, since itÂ´s a job, itÂ´s money and itÂ´s not forever. IÂ´m unhappy with some current friendships since IÂ´m always the one thatÂ´s chasing them and I am afraid I will never be able to be intimate with anyone. I donÂ´t tell people about it because I donÂ´t want to seem weak and because it sounds so whiny listening to myself right now. But there is not a day that goes by when I donÂ´t experience a moment of panic and worry that I will end up a irreparable mess if I donÂ´t act soon. Though I know that people who enjoy my company, who care about me, I still feel so alone in this. I need to talk to someone, or several people, who get it. And maybe this isnÂ´t the right forum...subforum, but I just needed to get this off my chest. IÂ´ve been feeling anxious for days, triggered by something that happened on the job and then every other bad thing feels like an extra blow to my crumbling brick wall.

----------


## Twelve Keyz

stressed.

----------


## fetisha

my chest is hurting and I'm trying hard not to end my life.

----------


## tinman

> my chest is hurting and I'm trying hard not to end my life.



Please hang on it will be ok .

----------


## Otherside

Finally caught the bug everyone else in this family has. Think I'm gonna be sick. 

Why do I always get ill on  a day I need to be somewhere

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> You know that feeling in your chest, it just numbs you, you canÂ´t get excited about anything anymore.



You are so far from alone there.  :Hug:

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

> stressed.



:O You're here!

----------


## Otherside

Here is list of petty complaints from...well yesterday I guess now. It is one in the morning.

-Twathead from college got mortally offended that my student loan got paid. And then announced "well at least you're not struggling to get by month to month.". Apparently "my finances and money are none of your fucking business and you have no clue how much cash is in my account or whether I'm "struggling to get by." is mortally offensive. But okay.  This is all because I decided to get a McDonald's breakfast because I was hungry and haven't eaten much in two days thanks to a stomach bug. It cost me about Â£2.50. 
-Twathead from college also decided to email the tutor who was off because her son was in hospital with meningitis with a list of complaints and demands. Fucking selfish prick.
-Im extremely irritable at the moment. The smallest sounds, anyone tries to talk to me or makes any sound whatsoever and I want to bite there head off. Twathead making whining and screaming noises doesn't particularly help. I'm dealing with the irritability as best as I can, I have a pdocs appointment on the 22nd and I'll bring this up . And if I grab my computer and leave the class, it's because In about to punch him.
-he then posts a passive aggressive status on Facebook about how crap his morning was aimed at me and two other friends.
-Shaking was bad today. It's making me want to come off my depakote. Which is bad bad bad. I just can't be stuck unable to hold anything because it goes flying out of my hand for the rest to my life. Just makes me feel so powerless.  ::(: 
-As much as I hate Twathead, uni had decided that announcing to a bunch of people other than him that they're gonna block him from progressing onto the second year due to his behaviour/progress with work as so far on a resit year is a great plan. Basically, we know, he doesn't. And that's fucking bollocks. They need to tell him.
-O2 are trying to overcharge me on my phone bill. Wouldn't mind so much if they told me why I need to pay them extra. But for some strange reason, they don't seem to want to.
-Mass effects wiki (believe it or not, I was using it for work) is filtered by O2s child protection filters. They know I'm 21. That's how I managed to take out a contract with them. They want to charge me money to remove the filters. [BEEP] off.
-I'm finally trusting people. Ive made friendships, I've fallen in love, and Im an a student on a computer science course, I got my drivers license back ...life is going good. And I'm always hypervigilant, never able to feel secure that I won't have another episode and get sick again. Every purchase I make in a store is a sign I'm manic again. Every time I don't want to get up in the morning I'm scared I'm depressed. Every tiny emotion I have is a sign I'm sick...and I'm not Ill. My bipolar is not the extreme instable illness it was two and a half years back, when I was sat in hospital. Can't ever get that sick again. That thing where they say suicide hurts noone but you? Bollocks. It hurts people even if you fail...and that hurts you.

Edit - jeez that was long.

----------


## fetisha

more bad news, my mom has cancer, its curable but still scares me *sigh*

----------


## Otherside

> more bad news, my mom has cancer, its curable but still scares me *sigh*



 :Hug: Best wishes to you both.

----------


## fetisha

thanks  :Hug:

----------


## Otherside

Can't sleep. My brain won't shut up. It thinks now is the perfect time to think about depressing things I'd rather forget. 

I don't want to remember what happened when I was ill. I don't want to remember my trip to hospital. I don't want to think about it, I want to forget it and pretend it never happened. I certainly don't want to think about it all goddamned night!

[BEEP] it I'm going to sleep on the sofa. Change of scenery might help.

----------


## Chantellabella

> more bad news, my mom has cancer, its curable but still scares me *sigh*



I'm sorry to hear that.  ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

> Can't sleep. My brain won't shut up. It thinks now is the perfect time to think about depressing things I'd rather forget. 
> 
> I don't want to remember what happened when I was ill. I don't want to remember my trip to hospital. I don't want to think about it, I want to forget it and pretend it never happened. I certainly don't want to think about it all goddamned night!
> 
> [BEEP] it I'm going to sleep on the sofa. Change of scenery might help.



You're so beyond those days, so don't give in to those thoughts, ok? We all have bad days. I'm sorry that you have so much stress. I saw your list. It's frustrating. Anyone would want to scream with things like that. 

 :Hug:

----------


## Otherside

> You're so beyond those days, so don't give in to those thoughts, ok? We all have bad days. I'm sorry that you have so much stress. I saw your list. It's frustrating. Anyone would want to scream with things like that.



 :Hug: Thanks my friend.

----------


## Twelve Keyz

> You're here!



yeah, sort of. Hope you're doing well buddy.

----------


## Otherside

Deadlines. Gotta a huge load of work due in on Tuesday.

Then again I've had this assignment since been about November and ive just been a lazy little student and left it until the last minute. Kinda my own fault.

----------


## Chantellabella

With my son being in trouble, I'm  stuck with associating with my ex. Why is he such a 2 year old? And a vindictive one at that.

----------


## Otherside

Have to make videos which give a tutorial on how to do something on a computer for college, and put them on YouTube so that I can embed them in a Portfolio. 

Yes, I've setting them as Unlisted and I know that means you supposedly need the link to be able to view the videos. But its still pretty fucking anxiety inducing for me, and I just hate it. I haven't felt this bad in a while. I've done one, I've got to do another. It's due on tuesday. I'm tempted to skip it. 

Heck, I could probably get out of doing this task if I wanted. I've got the piece of paper that says I have anxiety as confirmed by a doctor. College know I have my issues and I could apparently get accomadations if I wanted. 

I just don't want to do that. I hate asking for things like this. I hate having to admit that anxiety is still a problem for me at times. That this is more of an issue than it _really fucking should be_. Yes yes, don't be ashmaed to ask for help, blah blah blah. I'm not fucking ashamed, it's not that! I just want to get through this one thing without bloody well having to!

----------


## Member11

Abdominal pain, headache, joint pain, muscle aches, and bone pain... I'm sick of pain  ::'(:

----------


## mp

anxiety☆tooo mch of anxiety dis mornin

----------


## Chantellabella

On Monday, I found out that my son will have to remain in that box of a jail for at least 2 more months. Then his hearing is set for his birthday. I asked the lawyer's office if they were going to tell him because I don't have the heart to let him know. They will.

And................my ex is being a really big putz. He and his wife are making this all about them and their "feelings" rather than focusing on my son. Wow! Sometimes it's really hard taking the high road. But I'll keep doing it because that's what's best for my kids and my health.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Woke up at 5am I can't fall back asleep. The meds I was prescribed for my bronchitis are keeping me awake  ::(:

----------


## mp

infection .... and pain in ma throat ....

----------


## Otherside

Twathead seems to think he's the only one with issues. I can't have a conversation with SOMEONE ELSE that's not you without him listening and deciding to comment "oh well at least you don't have this issue that I have."

Seriously, WTF dude?

Also, he complained loudly to the tutor that nobody in the class was helping him with his work. Apparently I should drop everything and let my own work suffer whilst I spend time helping him, which eventually turns into him then asking if i could just send over the code that I have spent hours working on. For fucks sake, no. Two reasons 1) It will show up on Turnitin that you copied. That will come back to me. I'll get into trouble for that. 2) I spent hours on that code. I worked hard to get it to work, I didn't just give up when it didn't work the first time around. No fucking way am I just handing that over. I spent a long time on it. 

Oh, he's also feeling excluded apparently. Yes, we're not hanging around with you. That's what happens what you're not nice to people. People don't want to spend with you. When you try and grab someone boobs, ask for money to buy lunch and a taxi, try and get work off people, constantly try to micromanage every single bit of other peoples lives and demand that every single thing in them caters to you, and then complain when anyone else dares talk about there own issues because you have your own, therefore, no-one else is allowed to because "at least it's not this problem that I have" (heck, when you do worse and you decide to _mock_ the issues that other people have, and FYI, mocking me about the fact that I am shaking and dropping things on a day that I have when you know that I have a tremoring issue thanks to some meds) ... well, people aren't going to want to be your friend. Sorry.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Twathead seems to think he's the only one with issues. I can't have a conversation with SOMEONE ELSE that's not you without him listening and deciding to comment "oh well at least you don't have this issue that I have."



That's the absolute worst. It's not a competition to see who is the sickest. People are so fucking impossible sometimes. 

--------------------


Issues trusting people I used to trust. Loneliness. Unemployment. Aka the usual.

----------


## mp

tommorow um going out for some paperwork at a crowdy place n um really tensed abt it... oh GOD just dont let me get anxious...

----------


## Rawr

People. Can't get along with anybody no matter how hard I try.

----------


## Chantellabella

Just frustrated with life.

----------


## L

Night shift killing my brain

----------


## Kirsebaer

Still sick  ::(:  couldn't go to work today

----------


## Otherside

> Still sick  couldn't go to work today



:hug Get well soon

----------


## Kirsebaer

> :hug Get well soon



thank you, Otherside *hug back*
I'm going to see the doc again tomorrow... I can't remember being sick for this long before (it's also my first time coming down with bronchitis).  ::(:

----------


## tinman

Worried.....about what im not sure

----------


## mp

had a fight with someone and nw feeling really bad abt it

----------


## Otherside

I just feel down. Been a long day. 

Tempted to skip tomorrow morning. Feel like shite. Not as though I'll get anything done with Twathead whining, demanding money for taxis my work and then screaming that he's going to kill himself as soon as I say no.

Hey Twathead, guess what I tried to do?

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I just feel down. Been a long day. 
> 
> Tempted to skip tomorrow morning. Feel like shite. Not as though I'll get anything done with Twathead whining, demanding money for taxis my work and then screaming that he's going to kill himself as soon as I say no.
> 
> Hey Twathead, guess what I tried to do?



I don't even know Twathead but I wish I could bitch-slap him.

Also, I hope u'll feel better soon  :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

I'm frustrated with people who get rewarded for goofing off. No wonder the other woman quit. She got tired of doing her job and watching goof offs get rewarded.

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

Oh man, my heart hurts. Why does it hurt? Why does it _have_ to hurt? It's only going to get worse in 2 weeks. How can God be so cruel? It's got to be a sin...

----------


## Otherside

I think I'm about to be kicked out and made homeless. Which is just fucking great. I have nowhere to go, I have no money, no job. I'm pretty much unemployable and my credit rating is completely trashed to the point that I can't get a overdraft. 

I'd have left a long time ago if it wasn't for the fact that I actually can't leave. I just don't have anywhere else to go. And my mother knows this. One wrong move? Kicked out line comes up. My sister can throw parties when they're away and have guys double her age turn up and wreck the place and get absolutley shitfaced drunk and have drugs in the house, but god forbid I...you know what? I'm not entirely sure what the [BEEP] I have done this time, but apparently I'm "treating her like shit." Which is the first I've heard of it, consdiering that I barely talk to anyone in this house. 

I just need out, this is getting unbearable. Gonna speak to support at College when I get back, see if anything can be done, see if I can get into uni accomadation. I just can't take much more of this. 

I just don't want anything to do with her anymore.

----------


## Chantellabella

> I think I'm about to be kicked out and made homeless. Which is just fucking great. I have nowhere to go, I have no money, no job. I'm pretty much unemployable and my credit rating is completely trashed to the point that I can't get a overdraft. 
> 
> I'd have left a long time ago if it wasn't for the fact that I actually can't leave. I just don't have anywhere else to go. And my mother knows this. One wrong move? Kicked out line comes up. My sister can throw parties when they're away and have guys double her age turn up and wreck the place and get absolutley shitfaced drunk and have drugs in the house, but god forbid I...you know what? I'm not entirely sure what the [BEEP] I have done this time, but apparently I'm "treating her like shit." Which is the first I've heard of it, consdiering that I barely talk to anyone in this house. 
> 
> I just need out, this is getting unbearable. Gonna speak to support at College when I get back, see if anything can be done, see if I can get into uni accomadation. I just can't take much more of this. 
> 
> I just don't want anything to do with her anymore.



Sorry to hear that she's doing that to you.  ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Not feeling well, mentally or physically. Sleep doesn't even seem appealing for once. I think I'll just crawl outta this meat suit and launch myself into space for a while, clear my head. Anybody wanna come with?

----------


## Koalafan

> Not feeling well, mentally or physically. Sleep doesn't even seem appealing for once. I think I'll just crawl outta this meat suit and launch myself into space for a while, clear my head. Anybody wanna come with?



Aww I'll come along!  :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Not feeling well, mentally or physically. Sleep doesn't even seem appealing for once. I think I'll just crawl outta this meat suit and launch myself into space for a while, clear my head. Anybody wanna come with?



 ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Aww I'll come along!







> 



Thanks, guys. I'd gladly launch into space with you anytime. (:

----------


## Otherside

I feel irrationally anxious over telling someone that I may have to leave there birthday party/going to a pub thing early because the last train home is at 11. 

I mean, come on. They're most likely gonna understand that that's a good reason.

----------


## Otherside

ARGH Why can't you just let me have a life? For the first time, I might finally be able to and you...I don't know what you want actually. 

I've given everything to you. I've helped you out,  supported you, defended you. I've loved you for the past two years. 

I've done this whilst trying to sort my own life out, whilst getting back on track after a year off sick. I don't have a thick skin though. Years of bullying at school didn't give me a "thick skin". Being alone didn't make me stronger. I'm not a better person after handling depression. Im not able to deal with things better after I tried to kill myself. 

Yes, I know people went through worse, I get that. I don't think for a second that I have it "the worst". I just...I'm just not strong. I'm just tired. I just know people are arseholes and I'm wary of them.

I just want to be stop being  seen as the outcast who has wild mood swings and panic attacks. I wanna stop thinking that that is who I am, and that that is all anyone will see.

I just wanna stop feeling a lot or the time, actually.

----------


## 1

Reality is closing in..the things I didn't want to happen are slowly happening bit by bit.

----------


## Otherside

I just want tomorrow to be over to be honest with you.

----------


## Twelve Keyz

fuck. I NEED to drink. I don't know how much longer I can hold out waiting for an opportunity. I'm starting to understand why people do reckless shit.

----------


## Twelve Keyz

soooooooo bored.

----------


## Twelve Keyz

I wanna smash my therapist.

----------


## mp

no gf... alone ..... wen i will find ma love

----------


## Chantellabella

Just getting over the stomach flu which put me in the hospital emergency room on Friday. I've never been that sick before. Only now starting to feel human again

----------


## Member11

> Just getting over the stomach flu which put me in the hospital emergency room on Friday. I've never been that sick before. Only now starting to feel human again



*hands over some soup* Feel better!  :Hug:

----------


## L

> Just getting over the stomach flu which put me in the hospital emergency room on Friday. I've never been that sick before. Only now starting to feel human again



Aw man, poor you xxx

----------


## L

I'm weird and over think things  ::(:

----------


## Member11

> I'm weird and over think things



 :Hug:  You're not weird, why would you think that?

----------


## L

> You're not weird, why would you think that?



I wanted to go out this evening for a meal with my boyfriend, I slipped it into conversation earlier in the day and it was noted, then later into the evening we don't really do anything. I know I should be more direct about it but what if he doesn't want to go and is just avoiding bringing it up and if I bring it up he might get annoyed....see over thinking....I do this all the time and it ends up in us doing nothing really as he never suggests things for us to do...sigh...I am pissed off  at him now and it is not even his fault. Also I have a feeling that he will suggest we get take away later but I don't want to eat fast food......OH GOD  ::):  (arn't you glad you asked now  :Razz: )

----------


## Member11

> I wanted to go out this evening for a meal with my boyfriend, I slipped it into conversation earlier in the day and it was noted, then later into the evening we don't really do anything. I know I should be more direct about it but what if he doesn't want to go and is just avoiding bringing it up and if I bring it up he might get annoyed....see over thinking....I do this all the time and it ends up in us doing nothing really as he never suggests things for us to do...sigh...I am pissed off  at him now and it is not even his fault. Also I have a feeling that he will suggest we get take away later but I don't want to eat fast food......OH GOD  (arn't you glad you asked now )



 :Hug:  I know it is easy to fall into that thought, I have done that many times, but being assertive about what you want is not a bad thing, even if your boyfriend was avoiding it because he doesn't want to go (it is much more likely that he simply forgot), he has a mouth, he can say that he doesn't want to go when you bring it up the second, third, fourth, fifth time. Don't be afraid to be assertive, because if you don't, that pissed-off feeling will grow endlessly until it hurts the relationship. Bring it up again, and go out to eat! Or I'll bopa you  :bat:

----------


## L

> I know it is easy to fall into that thought, I have done that many times, but being assertive about what you want is not a bad thing, even if your boyfriend was avoiding it because he doesn't want to go (it is much more likely that he simply forgot), he has a mouth, he can say that he doesn't want to go when you bring it up the second, third, fourth, fifth time. Don't be afraid to be assertive, because if you don't, that pissed-off feeling will grow endlessly until it hurts the relationship. Bring it up again, and go out to eat! Or I'll bopa you



Why does it sound so easy when its written down.

----------


## Member11

> Why does it sound so easy when its written down.



Because anxiety makes it feel much harder than what it is, in the moment.

----------


## Otherside

Mum started talking about a friend who came out as bi who wrote an article about being bi. I haven't exactly mentioned it to them yet that I'm bi myself. Not many people know. 

Some people I have told have decided that I'm not bi because I'm currently in a long term with a male (WTF), or that I have no clue about whether I'm bi or not because "you're only young you must just be expiermenting". So I'm not particularly open about it. And sadly, some of these people have been gay. And I thought I could at least confide in them. Apparently not.

I just don't feel comfortable coming out anymore. To pretty much anyone.  And I'm slightly ashamed of that. This isn't a "phase", this isn't me trying to be "exotic" to my male partner. This is me. This is who I am.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Not in a great mood today... Feeling anxious and worried about smth...

----------


## Chantellabella

> I know it is easy to fall into that thought, I have done that many times, but being assertive about what you want is not a bad thing, even if your boyfriend was avoiding it because he doesn't want to go (it is much more likely that he simply forgot), he has a mouth, he can say that he doesn't want to go when you bring it up the second, third, fourth, fifth time. Don't be afraid to be assertive, because if you don't, that pissed-off feeling will grow endlessly until it hurts the relationship. Bring it up again, and go out to eat! Or I'll bopa you



I was going to say the same thing.  ::):  And I was going to ask you the same thing.  Jerry, we think alike. 

Being assertive takes practice so don't beat yourself on it. I do and say things or don't say things all the time when I coulda, shoulda, woulda. Just keep practicing and it will eventually get easier. 

If I was in Ireland, I would take you out to a nice restaurant. I don't like fast food either. 

We'd have to wait a few days for my stomach to stop doing flips, but I'd be right on it.  ::):  And thanks Jerry and L for the well wishes. Yes, Jerry, I will take some soap, and Lysol, and Clorox wipes, and if I could wear a Hazmet suit next time I go to work that would be great too. I always knew those nose pickers would give me malaria.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Not in a great mood today... Feeling anxious and worried about smth...



 :Hug: 


(side note: I read your post wrong at first and I thought it said you were anxious and worried about smith. So I sat here wondering who was smith and do we know anyone here named smith. Then I thought maybe there is something in the news about a famous guy named smith. Sadly after pondering who smith was, I realized you used a shortened version for "something." I don't mean to make light of your frustration. I guess I just want to prove how really really old I am.) 

But  :Hug:

----------


## Chantellabella

> Mum started talking about a friend who came out as bi who wrote an article about being bi. I haven't exactly mentioned it to them yet that I'm bi myself. Not many people know. 
> 
> Some people I have told have decided that I'm not bi because I'm currently in a long term with a male (WTF), or that I have no clue about whether I'm bi or not because "you're only young you must just be expiermenting". So I'm not particularly open about it. And sadly, some of these people have been gay. And I thought I could at least confide in them. Apparently not.
> 
> I just don't feel comfortable coming out anymore. To pretty much anyone.  And I'm slightly ashamed of that. This isn't a "phase", this isn't me trying to be "exotic" to my male partner. This is me. This is who I am.



Sweetie, their opinion on who you are isn't important even if it seems that way. You never have to explain yourself and how you feel. Because when you do, your true "idiot" family members and friends come out with statements like that. You know what it is? They're trying to make themselves feel better with those statements. They don't know what else to say, so they say things like that which makes you feel like there's something wrong with you.

Can you find a few people who understand and ask them just to let you talk without saying anything?

----------


## L

> I was going to say the same thing.  And I was going to ask you the same thing.  Jerry, we think alike. 
> 
> Being assertive takes practice so don't beat yourself on it. I do and say things or don't say things all the time when I coulda, shoulda, woulda. Just keep practicing and it will eventually get easier. 
> 
> If I was in Ireland, I would take you out to a nice restaurant. I don't like fast food either. 
> 
> We'd have to wait a few days for my stomach to stop doing flips, but I'd be right on it.  And thanks Jerry and L for the well wishes. Yes, Jerry, I will take some soap, and Lysol, and Clorox wipes, and if I could wear a Hazmet suit next time I go to work that would be great too. I always knew those nose pickers would give me malaria.



I'll work on it I promise

----------


## Kirsebaer

> (side note: I read your post wrong at first and I thought it said you were anxious and worried about smith. So I sat here wondering who was smith and do we know anyone here named smith. Then I thought maybe there is something in the news about a famous guy named smith. Sadly after pondering who smith was, I realized you used a shortened version for "something." I don't mean to make light of your frustration. I guess I just want to prove how really really old I am.) 
> 
> But



LOL! Thanks for making me laugh first thing in the morning, Cindy!  ::  you're great!
I don't know anyone called Smith, just for the record.. Hehe
*hugs back*

----------


## Chantellabella

> I never seem to encounter people with so many sociopathic symptoms if you will anywhere other than on that forum. It's amazing, it's an anxiety forum but some of the people there... Sometimes it's obvious from the get go othertimes it sneaks up on you overtime. Little pieces falling in place. Incapable of empathy and caring about anyone else, incredibly self absorbed. And why does it bother me so much lmao. But I think I'm going to avoid that place for a while I don't want to be anywhere near that person, they're emotionally manipulative too, I've realised already. Sadly I think they'll be there a while.



When you are able to see what's healthy and unhealthy, you can count that as a step forward toward your recovery and anxiety management. That's awesome that you can see the difference.  ::):

----------


## Twelve Keyz

these pills suck. Alcohol works better.

----------


## Otherside

More C#. If there is one module on this course that is going to fail me, it is going to be the fucking programming. 

I can't get my bloody code to work properly and it keeps crashing.

----------


## Chantellabella

It's obvious that earth is hell and hell has flowers and frogs in it. 

Mystery solved.

----------


## Chantellabella

I am tired of working my [BEEP] off everyday and going backward financially more and more. I get it, God! You want me penniless, homeless, lonely, and hopeless. 

Oh no? Well, it sure seems that way.

----------


## L

I just want one night of straight sleep

----------


## Kirsebaer

Back pain. Can't wait to get some rest tomorrow!

----------


## Kirsebaer

Also, today is one of those days when I don't feel like being social, but my just requires me to be very social. I feel kinda drained today. Good thing it's Friday. Just a few more hours of work and then I can get some alone time!

----------


## L

AAAhhhhh.....I wish I was a more prepared person!!!!!

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I'm so sick of crying over this shit. It's so not worth my time. I just need to move on.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I'm so sick of crying over this shit. It's so not worth my time. I just need to move on.



 ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Otherside

It's been a long day. I just feel drained. And I feel like I'm once again being "tested" too see if I am good enough in this relationship. 

Well [BEEP] that. I'm not rising to that again, that's just fucking ridiculous. He knows how I feel [BEEP] like that. It's plain insulting, and proves [BEEP] all.

----------


## L

Ahhhh, mock exam today....eeek

----------


## Chantellabella

I should never read about things that I don't want to know.

----------


## Koalafan

Depression has been a [BEEP] lately. No motivation to do anything

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

No matter how much I tweak my resume, it still looks like utter horseshit. I don't feel employable in the slightest.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Depression has been a [BEEP] lately. No motivation to do anything



 ::(:  **sending you the biggest bearhug ever** I hope you'll feel better soon!

----------


## Kirsebaer

My upstairs neighbors are having another fight  ::s:  I hate to hear them yelling at each other and throwing things (I think they're husband and wife)! I always expect the worst, like one ends up stabbing or killing the other .. it makes me feel anxious...

----------


## Koalafan

> **sending you the biggest bearhug ever** I hope you'll feel better soon!



Thank you so much kirse!!!  :Hug:

----------


## Twelve Keyz

I had fun this past week but I'm craving more. Hate going back into the dull routine of everyday life. It's so fucking boring.

----------


## 1

Wondering about that speech course that begins next week

----------


## Otherside

Work is stressing me out  ::(:

----------


## Chantellabella

I'm just wondering if the [BEEP] in my life will ever let up. [BEEP] is definitely outweighing the 5 or so minutes of happiness I have these days. 

That's depressing. Even when I put a smile on my face, my heart aches. 

My well is definitely dry.

----------


## Member11

Dating world is so fucken hard, I just want someone I can love and cuddle at night is that so hard?!  ::'(:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Work is stressing me out







> I'm just wondering if the [BEEP] in my life will ever let up. [BEEP] is definitely outweighing the 5 or so minutes of happiness I have these days. 
> 
> That's depressing. Even when I put a smile on my face, my heart aches. 
> 
> My well is definitely dry.







> Dating world is so fucken hard, I just want someone I can love and cuddle at night is that so hard?!



*sending you guys lots of hugs*  :Heart:

----------


## Kirsebaer

this weekend went by wayyy too fast!!  ::(:

----------


## fetisha

mild pneumonia  ::(:

----------


## L

Unexplained wrist pain and got a call saying something was abnormal with my blood results  ::(:

----------


## Koalafan

Felt super depressed the past couple of days. I guess it's time to finally go to a doctor about this after 15 years  :Tongue:

----------


## Chantellabella

@Kirsebaer
 - I hear ya!

@fetisha
 - That can be very serious. Are you under a dr's care? Sorry you're sick.

@L
 - Let us know how you're doing, ok? I hope it's nothing serious

@Koalafan
 -  :Hug:  Sorry you're hurting 

@Jerry
 - yeah, relationships are tough and very frustrating.

----------


## Member11

Very bad pain!  ::'(:

----------


## Otherside

Well that confirms it. My sister has been nicking money from me. God knows what she's using it for, but to be honest? I don't care. That ten pound note and a bunch of pound coins were in my purse before I left for that driving lesson an hour ago, and now they've magically disapeered when you've _gone_ out, and I notice this when my mother asks if she borrow cash. 

You have no idea how angry I am right now. I don't have much money, and you want to nick cash from me so that you can go spend it on booze or fags or drugs or whatever the [BEEP] you're buying? Are you fucking kidding me? 

I have noticed that money has gone missing when I needed it to get onto a bus. And I notice _5 minutes before the bloody bus was supposed to come, and have had to run to a cash point to take out cash_ _in order to get to uni_. You have nicked money for god knows what that was _mine_ in the first place, and as a result? I almost missed the bus to uni (Hey guess what? It's not free, and getting there an hour late because I had to run to a cash point to replace money you nicked pisses me off big time). 

I almost don't want to believe this. We haven't gotten on in the last year or so, but I didn't think you'd stoop this low, however much of a [BEEP] you've decided to become. 

I don't think I can forgive you for this.

----------


## Chantellabella

> Very bad pain!



Sorry, my friend. I meant to post this a few days ago when I saw it and well, I forgot. But I've been thinking about how you're doing.

----------


## Chantellabella

Ever have one of those days where everything crashes in? 

Today is one of those days. :-( 

Driving 8 hours to see my son on my days off is killing me and the fact that his brother and father don't even answer him, breaks my heart.

----------


## L

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh its like trying to get blood from a stone........

----------


## 1

Backstabbers & liars..Dislike them.

----------


## fetisha

> @Kirsebaer
>  - I hear ya!
> 
> @fetisha
>  - That can be very serious. Are you under a dr's care? Sorry you're sick.
> 
> @L
>  - Let us know how you're doing, ok? I hope it's nothing serious
> 
> ...



yeah I am and the doctor thinks I have asthma, I haven't had since I was 3 years old. I hate taking a breathing treatment I feel dizzy afterwards. Sorry for the late reply btw.

----------


## Chantellabella

So I really want to know an answer to this https://anxietyspace.com/forums/foru...phy-and-Debate

I care about all of you and it truly breaks my heart to watch the next snowball effect because I've seen it way too many times and I truly want it to stop. Just don't do it!!

----------


## Total Eclipse

I feel nauseated and didn't go to bed again, last night... whyyyyyy. : (

----------


## L

Stupid sick

----------


## Otherside

So I'm being expected to just "get over" the fact that my sister is essentially a thief, and stop being pissed that she stole from me. Well I'm sorry for being upset that she decided she wanted a lifestyle that she couldn't afford and that she didn't want to work to earn the money to do the things she wanted to do. I'm sorry that some of us feel that they _have_ that priviliege.

What a fucking ridiculous statement. Of course I'm hurt, angry and betrayed. What did you expect from me "oh it's totes okay that you stole money from me on and that it meant on several occasions when I needed to use the cash that was in fact in my purse because for some reason buses dont take contactless for some stupid reason (and that should, seriously it would save time) I infact was unable to pay to travel places that I need to be _by a certain time_ and had to do an olympic sprint to a cashpoint! You can keep doing it whenever you want to go out to one of your overpriced concerts!"

It's gonna take a very long time for me to be okay with what happened, if I ever will be.

Come to think of it, there's not one person other than you that thinks I don't have a right to be angry, and that isn't disgusted with her behaviour.

----------


## L

A bottle of orange juice exploded in my nice, clean, shiny, car  ::(:

----------


## L

> Come to think of it, there's not one person other than you that thinks I don't have a right to be angry, and that isn't disgusted with her behaviour.



I seen your post about this before - it awful that you have to be on tight watch of her now. What did she say when you confronted her?

----------


## Otherside

> I seen your post about this before - it awful that you have to be on tight watch of her now. What did she say when you confronted her?



She's denying it. That's bollocks. She's suddenly got all this new stuff, and she has no money source.

----------


## Total Eclipse

I'm going to my grandfathers funeral today. RIP, Grandpa : (

----------


## Hexagon

Feel burdened and stressed and wish I could have done/be so much better.

----------


## L

> I'm going to my grandfathers funeral today. RIP, Grandpa : (



Sending hugs xx

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Sending hugs xx



Thank you xoxo

----------


## fetisha

> So I'm being expected to just "get over" the fact that my sister is essentially a thief, and stop being pissed that she stole from me. Well I'm sorry for being upset that she decided she wanted a lifestyle that she couldn't afford and that she didn't want to work to earn the money to do the things she wanted to do. I'm sorry that some of us feel that they _have_ that priviliege.
> 
> What a fucking ridiculous statement. Of course I'm hurt, angry and betrayed. What did you expect from me "oh it's totes okay that you stole money from me on and that it meant on several occasions when I needed to use the cash that was in fact in my purse because for some reason buses dont take contactless for some stupid reason (and that should, seriously it would save time) I infact was unable to pay to travel places that I need to be _by a certain time_ and had to do an olympic sprint to a cashpoint! You can keep doing it whenever you want to go out to one of your overpriced concerts!"
> 
> It's gonna take a very long time for me to be okay with what happened, if I ever will be.
> 
> Come to think of it, there's not one person other than you that thinks I don't have a right to be angry, and that isn't disgusted with her behaviour.



 :Hug:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

I feel like a hunchback with all the stress I'm carrying in my upper back, neck, and shoulders. Also I thought I was ready to send my resume off again, but just easily spent another half hour on like two whole sentences. What if I don't come off as "enthusiastic", what if I just have that I'm-dead-inside blank stare that tends to accompany anxiety-inducing situations such as job interviews? Nothing I write seems to sound good enough. They're just gonna have to decide if it looks halfway decent because I sure as hell can't.

----------


## Koalafan

> I feel like a hunchback with all the stress I'm carrying in my upper back, neck, and shoulders. Also I thought I was ready to send my resume off again, but just easily spent another half hour on like two whole sentences. What if I don't come off as "enthusiastic", what if I just have that I'm-dead-inside blank stare that tends to accompany anxiety-inducing situations such as job interviews? Nothing I write seems to sound good enough. They're just gonna have to decide if it looks halfway decent because I sure as hell can't.



 :Hug:  I'm going through the same thing. Having to make my own portfolio site has been such a massive amount of stress since I obsess over the littliest things to the point of getting nowhere. I hate having to write about myself, cause it's such a fine line between "highlighting" my positives to not being so truthful about things...bah.

----------


## Chantellabella

I am fed up with the high school drama that goes on with my younger workers!!!!

The gossip, the "oh I'm not going to be friends with him or her" shit...........

The silent treatment.......................

The chatting to each other during work on chat .....................

Spending company time shopping or checking their phone or facebook............................


Ahhh!!! I can't take this "all about me" mentality!! The drama just makes me want to puke. Seriously. 

All they talk about all day is what they bought, ate, or wrote on their facebook. Then they get all mad when I accomplish something and they didn't. Why? Because you can't think for yourself!! You're too wrapped up in what he or she said on facebook!!!!

Do you seriously think I give a damn that you spend all day gossiping about me? The only thing that bothers me is that you also get a paycheck. But I don't give a [BEEP] what you think about me. It makes me a better person and makes you more of a loser. 

I'm in high school drama hell!

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I'm going through the same thing. Having to make my own portfolio site has been such a massive amount of stress since I obsess over the littliest things to the point of getting nowhere. I hate having to write about myself, cause it's such a fine line between "highlighting" my positives to not being so truthful about things...bah.



I'm sorry you're dealing with this as well  :Hug:  I know, it's hard to find a balance between selling yourself and not sounding like you just read a thesaurus and threw in some fancy words. Looking at what you've written eventually turns into a big jumble.

----------


## fetisha

my neck is sore cause of allergies,I wish I could change certain things that happen in my past but can't, and i feel bad for not being excited about graduating from college in may cause I know I might be in college debt.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Ahhh!!! I can't take this "all about me" mentality!! The drama just makes me want to puke. Seriously.



This sounds hellish, Chanty. Having recently taken a year long course with a bunch of younger people, I know the kinds of people you're talking about >.<. I'm not saying all of them are like that (and not all of them were) but wow. I did NOT fit in. They weren't even significantly younger than me, but I'm also not involved in social media and I don't really get a lot of the crazes that come out of the woodwork. There's definitely a big "look at meeee" vibe that turns me way off.

----------


## Rawr

> Depression has been a [BEEP] lately. No motivation to do anything



Same here  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

Back at Uni. And they've managed to [BEEP] up. 

- Yes, I'm pissed you deciding to cut down on teaching hours whilst still demanding I pay the same fees all of a sudden. So I'm going to raise a fuss. 

- If you want me to turn up to class on time, you're going to have to inform me when you change my timetable. You can't just expect me to magically know. As far as I was concerned, there was no changes. Nobody had bothered to mention anything to anyone. How hard would it have been to send an email to the class saying "class starting at different time."

-Look Twathead, the rest of have to be on that trip to Bletchley Park. It's compulsory. Not that I don't want to go, but we don't have a choice. So we will take priority over you when arranging which day to go. You, on the other hand, are a resitter. You don't have to go, you went last year and got the credits. You are _choosing_ to go. So quit fucking complaining on Facebook how inconvienient it for you. Thursday is inconvenient for the rest of us, believe it or not. Majority rules. I get you fail to realize that there are other people on this course and that it's isn't a class of one pupil and a load of teachers, but that is the fact for you. It is life. Suck it up. Deal with it.

-I was up till midnight last night trying to get that coursework done and submitted. Instead I should have just gone an extension by insisting I didn't know the submission date was today. Fucks sake, I could have gotten some sleep.

----------


## Otherside

Quit messaging me every single five fucking minutes about a trip. It is quarter to fucking ten, how the [BEEP] am I supposed to know intricate details about a trip? 

I have had a long day thats basically just been bullshit. I would really just like to watch The IT Crowd with a cider and Crispy Peking Beef if that's alright with you, without having to deal with you pestering me for details I have told you I don't have every five minutes.

----------


## Otherside

Twathead, if you ever [BEEP] to me about my friend again like that after Apologising to her for harranging her constantly, and then expecting me to not inform had her of your non sincerity, I will punch you. 

Also, how the [BEEP] is it my problem that your want to meet your friends on Wednesday, when a field trip to see Collusus was booked in February? You had warning FFS. We are not rearranging to please your highness. 

Or hers. Don't see how it's hers either. She's been polite with you for longer than you quite frankly deserved over this. 

PS - No, your "hard day" where you sat at home and waited for the plumber to arrive or something was not a "hard day", nor does it excuse it. Sitting at home and opening a door for a plumber when he arrives is what I call a "nice quiet day where I can do nothing". And don't complain to me about how short of cash you are when your parents pay for every single thing and pretty much support you. And then when you do find money, splash it all on Amazon. Some of us here have bills and other expenses. That money that comes in pays for those. Contrary to your belief, I am not "loaded".

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## fetisha

I feel like an idiot for watching those unsolved mystery cases and ghost stories. I hate being curious about the world. Now I'm 10000 times more paranoid than before. My therapist recommended to stay away from scary stuff *sigh*

----------


## Equinox

All dialogue should have been shut down from the day you left onwards to be honest. We've served no purpose in each other's lives since then.

----------


## fetisha

RIP prince

----------


## Total Eclipse

> RIP prince



This was sooo sad and shocking </3

----------


## L

Went over my calorie count, still not sleeping, exams on Saturday...... ::(:

----------


## Otherside

> Went over my calorie count, still not sleeping, exams on Saturday......



:hugs Good luck with your exams 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Otherside

DVLA have decided to stop my driving license on some random date that's seemingly pulled out if there backside. And that date is a few days before I was due to have my driving test. After getting through a six month waiting list.

So now I'm likely to be unable to take that test, and I'm going to have to go through the list again thanks to the fact that getting a new one, if last year was any indication, is going to take several months.

That fucker that tried to.convince me that I was privileged because I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder as opposed to diagnosing it myself based on on what I read on WebMD needs to grow the [BEEP] up. I've lost count of the number of issues I have had now with various places where I have had to declare my disorder to do the otherwise most simplist things that there self diagnosed backside can take for granted, and that they don't have to declare. But hey. When you can't hey travel.insurance without paying an arm and a leg because of the big fat bipolar diagnosis on there, even though it hasn't bothered me that much in three years, come.talk to me about how privileged I am.

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Koalafan

God fucking dammit. I misinterpreted one stupid line in my homework and now most of my code is fucked and it's due today. Lksjadlkfjaslkdfjaslkdfjakjvnawlejfkalsjdfl

----------


## Otherside

> God fucking dammit. I misinterpreted one stupid line in my homework and now most of my code is fucked and it's due today. Lksjadlkfjaslkdfjaslkdfjakjvnawlejfkalsjdfl



Been there many times with code. You have my sympathies, and I wish you luck sorting it.  :Hug:

----------


## Antidote

Period isn't due for a week but already getting cramps...?

----------


## Koalafan

> Been there many times with code. You have my sympathies, and I wish you luck sorting it.



Thank you very much!  :Hug:  Somehow I managed to figure it out and get it done in time...other times I have not been so lucky. I love programming and I also hate it with a passion sometimes  :Razz:

----------


## Otherside

> Thank you very much!  Somehow I managed to figure it out and get it done in time...other times I have not been so lucky. I love programming and I also hate it with a passion sometimes



Yeah same here. I just hate how finicky programming can he sometimes. 

Just out of curiosity, what language were you using?

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Koalafan

The homework was in my Java class which coming from a javascript background definitely took some adjusting. However, I've been struggling my way through it  :Razz:

----------


## Otherside

> The homework was in my Java class which coming from a javascript background definitely took some adjusting. However, I've been struggling my way through it



Ah can't help you with java I'm afraid. Never used it myself. I wish you the best of luck with it though. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Total Eclipse

I don't know. I guess, I'm disappointed in someone? I didn't expect them to hurt me and than just vanish... Oh, well.

----------


## Otherside

For somebody who's suffered from mental health issues himself (and still does to a degree), my boyfriend is currently being a massive twat. 

Telling me to "quit wallowing" and that I'm "fragile and delicate" isn't exactly what I need right now when I ask for support. How the hell is it to much to ask that my_ boyfriend_ gives me some support?

----------


## 1

A certain thing..

----------


## Member11

Pain  ::'(:

----------


## Otherside

My computer has decided to suddenly delete half of my coursework for some strange reason I can't work out. 

WHAT THE [BEEP] THIS IS DUE IN ON THURSDAY I NEED IT TO BE THERE I CANT BE DOING IT AGAIN ARGHHHHHHH IF THIS THING HADNT COST ME Â£600 I WOULD BE THROWING THIS OUT OF THE WINDOW RIGHT NOW FOR FUCKS SAKE COMPUTER

----------


## fetisha

being a non religious person is so hard while living under the bible belt in america *sigh*

----------


## 1

Lack of something from a certain someone

----------


## Otherside

Work.

----------


## Member11

Pain  ::'(:

----------


## waldeinsamkeit

I was interviewed in another language today for a class I'm taking and even though I can write in it fluently, I can't speak it as well so I pretty much bombed it and I have no clue what my grade is. We were given topics and most people memorized their lines but I didn't and I feel stupid for being honest. I really wanted a good grade. 
All that's left is my final and I really want an A or B grade so I can graduate with a GPA that's good enough to get into grad school but idek if it's possible at this point. Ugh.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Pain



just saw this  ::(:  I'm so sorry ..  :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

Struggling with sugar addiction. I gave in and ate a bunch of crap today  (cake, ice cream and nutella).. feeling so guilty :#

----------


## Koalafan

> Struggling with sugar addiction. I gave in and ate a bunch of crap today  (cake, ice cream and nutella).. feeling so guilty :#



Omg giving up sugar has been a such a [BEEP] >< It's really crazy how much sugar is in everything plus the weird random sugar cravings I get  :Razz:  but man when you go without sugar for a while its awesome how much better and clearer my head feels  ::):

----------


## Member11

> Omg giving up sugar has been a such a [BEEP] >< It's really crazy how much sugar is in everything plus the weird random sugar cravings I get  but man when you go without sugar for a while its awesome how much better and clearer my head feels



 :Agreed: 

The only issue I have being sugar-free is even just a little bit of it now gives me a high and a big crush  ::

----------


## Member11

> just saw this  I'm so sorry ..



Thank you  :Hug:

----------


## Kirsebaer

> Omg giving up sugar has been a such a [BEEP] >< It's really crazy how much sugar is in everything plus the weird random sugar cravings I get  but man when you go without sugar for a while its awesome how much better and clearer my head feels



I know right? Sugar is just like a drug. It's one of my biggest weaknesses. I had decided to only allow myself a dessert once a week. It worked well for two weeks but then I kinda "forgot" about the rules and indulged in a sugar feast yesterday  ::s:  I deserve a big boppa on the head! 





> The only issue I have being sugar-free is even just a little bit of it now gives me a high and a big crush



Same here!  ::s:

----------


## Otherside

Worried about doctors appointment tomorrow.

----------


## Member11

> Worried about doctors appointment tomorrow.



 :Hug:

----------


## Antidote

> Worried about doctors appointment tomorrow.



Same.

----------


## Otherside

So the blood tests told us nothing. Which is good I guess, but at this point, I'd like to stop having several loads of stomach cramping a day (which is absolutely painful) followed by the extremely painful diarrhoea that feels as though I'm popping out barbed wire. That and the blood is worrying me. And my doctor. 

So I have to go see a doctor for further tests. And no, I really don't want a camera stuck up my backside thanks, but at this point, I want to stop having to worry about whether I'll manage a 50 minute bus journey home without having to get off and use the toilet because well...see above. Not to mention how difficult it is if it's the last bus, and taxis aren't known for being cheap.

Oh well. At least I got the appointment quickly. Somehow I seem to have been referred to a private medical clinic, and somehow I got it on the NHS and don't have to pay. At least I better not have to pay. I will be pissed if they send me a bill. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Member11

Trapped in hospital... So bored ._.

----------


## Member11

> So the blood tests told us nothing. Which is good I guess, but at this point, I'd like to stop having several loads of stomach cramping a day (which is absolutely painful) followed by the extremely painful diarrhoea that feels as though I'm popping out barbed wire. That and the blood is worrying me. And my doctor. 
> 
> So I have to go see a doctor for further tests. And no, I really don't want a camera stuck up my backside thanks, but at this point, I want to stop having to worry about whether I'll manage a 50 minute bus journey home without having to get off and use the toilet because well...see above. Not to mention how difficult it is if it's the last bus, and taxis aren't known for being cheap.
> 
> Oh well. At least I got the appointment quickly. Somehow I seem to have been referred to a private medical clinic, and somehow I got it on the NHS and don't have to pay. At least I better not have to pay. I will be pissed if they send me a bill. 
> 
> Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk



 :Hug:  feeling any better?

----------


## Otherside

Have some sort or disgusting virus and I can't leave bed right now


Also deadlines.

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Antidote

Messed up sleep cycle.

----------


## L

I feel like a really bad girlfriend  ::(:

----------


## fetisha

I regret eating those cookies last night while trying to lose weight but I did work out this morning even though it wasn't enough.

----------


## Koalafan

Thanks Fedex for faintly tapping on my door and then promptly leaving while having my phone. Now I have to wait till tomorrow...which I work so there's no guarentee I'm going to be home to sign for the package. If you just would rang the fucking doorbell I would of heard you....

----------


## L

> I regret eating those cookies last night while trying to lose weight but I did work out this morning even though it wasn't enough.



If you ate the cookies the same day as your workout the energy should be burned of easily - maybe try source a healthier go to treat. I am trying to figure out what mine will be - I might try some healthy baking!

----------


## Teddy

I feel stuffed

----------


## L

> I feel stuffed



Go for a run teddy, I've been hitting the gym lately and feeling great x

----------


## Member11

After just an hour of sleep, I woke up in severe pain  ::'(:

----------


## Member11

One of my favourite shows got cancelled  ::(:

----------


## Rawr

> One of my favourite shows got cancelled



Which one? A lot of my mom's has gotten cancelled too.

What's bothering me at the moment is this killer headache & mother nature of course. I just want to crawl back into bed in my dark room & listen to more audio reading of Scary Tales to Tell in the Dark.

----------


## Member11

> Which one? A lot of my mom's has gotten cancelled too.



It was Castle, I don't know why they cancelled it, it had high ratings and a huge fan base.





> What's bothering me at the moment is this killer headache & mother nature of course. I just want to crawl back into bed in my dark room & listen to more audio reading of Scary Tales to Tell in the Dark.



I hope your head feels better  :Hug:

----------


## L

I have a really painful muscle in my neck

----------


## Rawr

> It was Castle, I don't know why they cancelled it, it had high ratings and a huge fan base.
> 
> 
> 
> I hope your head feels better



Thank you! I get migraines a lot. & I've heard of that show. Mom didn't watch it but she watched others like Blood & Oil, Grandfathered and The Family that recently got cancelled. She was upset.

----------


## Member11

> Thank you! I get migraines a lot.



That's not good at all  ::(:  They need a lot of these -->  :bopa: 

Do you have pain killers for them?





> I've heard of that show. Mom didn't watch it but she watched others like Blood & Oil, Grandfathered and The Family that recently got cancelled. She was upset.



Yeah, I feel her pain  ::(:

----------


## 1

Need to get my stuff together

----------


## Otherside

So I've gotta go to a hospital appointment tomorrow. I hate hospitals. They just make me anxious. 

And this is probably going to continue until the appointment tomorrow. Wonderful.

----------


## fetisha

speeding ticket ugh!

----------


## Antidote

I'm so damn hungry. GD.

----------


## Rawr

Depressed. Negative feelings leading to negative intentions.

----------


## Nyctophilia

I wish this website was more active so I didn't keep going back to that other place. Not that I use that place for it's intended purpose anyway and haven't for a long time. Just need somewhere to mindlessly post about whatever I guess when I'm not doing anything else.

----------


## 1

Worried that this situation will get worse as time goes by..

----------


## Member11

> Worried that this situation will get worse as time goes by..



What situation? Are you doing okay?

----------


## Rawr

> I wish this website was more active so I didn't keep going back to that other place. Not that I use that place for it's intended purpose anyway and haven't for a long time. Just need somewhere to mindlessly post about whatever I guess when I'm not doing anything else.



Same here. Actually joined another forum cause this one isn't active enough but I instantly got in trouble on it for something stupid so I'm just back here. I don't get on forums much but when I'm feeling this friendless & bored I need somewhere to go. Someone to talk to....

----------


## fetisha

I think I m a disgusting person.

----------


## Nyctophilia

Why is the internet connection on my phone always so bad here...

----------


## L

My hay fever is killing me

----------


## Member11

> Why is the internet connection on my phone always so bad here...



On this site?





> My hay fever is killing me



I feel your pain  :Hug:

----------


## Nyctophilia

> On this site?



Oh no in my bedroom lol, all sites are equally slow a lot of the time.

----------


## Member11

> Oh no in my bedroom lol, all sites are equally slow a lot of the time.



Oh okies, I thought you meant the site, I was like that is weird  ::D: 

That happens to me too, mobile signals doesn't like metal and steel, especially if you are enclose with it, the walls in my room has steel in it that messes with the signal.

----------


## Otherside

Look, just because I am 21 years old does not make me an idiot. Let's get a few things straight. 

- The fact that I disagree with you does not mean I should not have the right to vote, nor that I am a "young, foolish idiot who doesn't know any better." I know both sides of the argument. I agree with some of what leave says. I disagree with some of remain. It's not a black/white situation like you portray where the EU is the big evil devil and the UK will flourish perfectly on it's own. Heck, it's probably goodbye UK if we leave, and hello independent Scotland. 
- I have as much right to a vote as you do. I'm a citizen. I have been my entire life, and I've lived here for my entire life. I've voted on every single election, including the bloody police commisioner one. No idea what hes supposed to do (whine about how he has to drive to work, if the news is to believed). That's more than I can say for a lot of people.
-Stop getting your facts from trashy newspapers. That's not going to convince me. Not after they ran an article about how having sex with a sparrow would supposedly give you cancer. Because apparently that a lot of people do.

----------


## Otherside

Stuck at work and can't get this code to work. Godanmit I thought I had it going  ::(: ((

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## fetisha

I can't stop worrying about everything

----------


## Otherside

Stomach is in a lot of pain today. Two weeks until appointment. 

Don't get me wrong, I am not looking forward to having a camera stuck up my rear end, but I just want it over with and to know what the hell is going on. And a quick fix, although I suspect thats not going to happen. No that would be to easy. 

Not even sure if Chris can come to that appointment. He's got a group therapy session that day and he shouldn't skip that. :/

I hate hospitals. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Member11

> Stomach is in a lot of pain today. Two weeks until appointment. 
> 
> Don't get me wrong, I am not looking forward to having a camera stuck up my rear end, but I just want it over with and to know what the hell is going on. And a quick fix, although I suspect thats not going to happen. No that would be to easy. 
> 
> Not even sure if Chris can come to that appointment. He's got a group therapy session that day and he shouldn't skip that. :/
> 
> I hate hospitals. 
> 
> Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk



I feel your pain  :Hug:  If you want to talk or just rant, you can message me  :Hug:

----------


## Otherside

> I feel your pain  If you want to talk or just rant, you can message me



Thanks  ::):  :hug

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Antidote

My mum made a comment about one of my nieces being prettier than the other. I kind of baulked at it because I've had so many issues with this kind of [BEEP] in the past, plus BDD issues. It's painful to hear stuff like that because, first of all I don't agree, I think both my nieces are beautiful, and I don't want my nieces to grow up sensing that people are comparing them, and labeling one as the 'pretty one'. And it's all just depressing and hits a bit too close to home. I luckily don't have sisters to be compared to, but it's just really gross to think that family members were thinking about my looks that way while I was growing up. I'm not and never was much to look at. So how are you supposed to to grow up and develop normal self esteem when everyone treats you like a piece of meat. Even your own family?

----------


## L

So much hate in the world, it's really sad.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> My mum made a comment about one of my nieces being prettier than the other. I kind of baulked at it because I've had so many issues with this kind of [BEEP] in the past, plus BDD issues. It's painful to hear stuff like that because, first of all I don't agree, I think both my nieces are beautiful, and I don't want my nieces to grow up sensing that people are comparing them, and labeling one as the 'pretty one'. And it's all just depressing and hits a bit too close to home. I luckily don't have sisters to be compared to, but it's just really gross to think that family members were thinking about my looks that way while I was growing up. I'm not and never was much to look at. So how are you supposed to to grow up and develop normal self esteem when everyone treats you like a piece of meat. Even your own family?



I totally agree with you here. I despise that type of comparison too. I grew up hearing people compliment my sister's looks in front of me, while the only thing people would ever say about me was that "wow she looks nothing like her two siblings!" I was literally the ugly duckling. Luckily, wearing braces and just growing up fixed the"problem", but I still struggle with self-esteem problems to this day.
Good thing you showed your mum that you disapproved of her comments.

----------


## Kirsebaer

what's bothering me: not having time to be more active here. And when I do have time, I lack the energy.  ::(:

----------


## Member11

> what's bothering me: not having time to be more active here. And when I do have time, I lack the energy.



I miss seeing you around here and talking to you too  ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Rawr

People in general. I want a giant meteor to just strike us already.

----------


## L

I am tired, have a lot to do so little sleep time - boyfriend is really anxious over work things and I feel bad as we are going away tomorrow and I want to relax and not have him anxious.

----------


## Kirsebaer

> I miss seeing you around here and talking to you too



 :Hug:  Do you have Whatsapp/Telegram or an iPhone so that we can iMessage? We should add each other! I'm sending you my number by PM  ::):

----------


## L

Wish my boyfriend was here with me. He is in physical form but [BEEP] me will me look up from his phone  ::(:  am I that boring of a person  ::(:   ::(:   ::(:

----------


## Rawr

Doctor said that the huge lump in my left breast that's been there for months now could be cancerous. Gotta have an ultrasound & biopsy done.

----------


## Member11

> Doctor said that the huge lump in my left breast that's been there for months now could be cancerous. Gotta have an ultrasound & biopsy done.



Oh no  ::(:  Hopefully it is nothing cancerous. Keep us updated on how it goes, and if you need a  :Hug:  or just want to talk, you can PM me if you like.





> Wish my boyfriend was here with me. He is in physical form but [BEEP] me will me look up from his phone  am I that boring of a person



You don't deserve that  ::(:  and you are not boring, not at all.

----------


## Otherside

Got a colonoscopy next week. I'm fucking terrified. Got a pre-op tomorrow.

Edit - Also my boyfriend is having jealousy issues over the guy who is sticking a camera up my back passage. I'm not in the mood for that shit. I told him I wasnt going to rearrange the appointment just so I could get a female doctor and delay this thing (not that I'm eager for this, but my stomach does hurt.) He can fucking deal it. I'm the one that has to deal with...whatever this is.

----------


## Member11

> Edit - Also my boyfriend is having jealousy issues over the guy who is sticking a camera up my back passage. I'm not in the mood for that shit. I told him I wasnt going to rearrange the appointment just so I could get a female doctor and delay this thing (not that I'm eager for this, but my stomach does hurt.) He can fucking deal it. I'm the one that has to deal with...whatever this is.



I'm sorry, but... WTF?! There is something really wrong with your boyfriend  :O_O:

----------


## Otherside

> I'm sorry, but... WTF?! There is something really wrong with your boyfriend



WTF was my reaction as well. It's insane. Not that I'm particularly eager about this thing, but still. 

I'm the one whos having to go into work feeling shitty a lot of the time right now or sitting in a lecture at uni with really bad cramps. I need this procedure done. 

He needs to get over this. It's a medical procedure. Sod "I don't feel comfortable". Dude, I have felt "uncomfortable" and been in pain for the last year!

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

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## Member11

> WTF was my reaction as well. It's insane. Not that I'm particularly eager about this thing, but still. 
> 
> I'm the one whos having to go into work feeling shitty a lot of the time right now or sitting in a lecture at uni with really bad cramps. I need this procedure done. 
> 
> He needs to get over this. It's a medical procedure. Sod "I don't feel comfortable". Dude, I have felt "uncomfortable" and been in pain for the last year!



It is insane. He is being completely selfish and not even thinking about the pain you are going through. I don't even understand his thought process, it is a medical procedure, there is nothing sexual or romantic about it, does he really think you are going to fall in-love with the doctor who does the colonoscopy? It's silly. He should be supportive like a real boyfriend would, giving you a lot of cuddles, helping you deal with the pain, helping you through process, and being there with you when they do the colonoscopy, giving you a kiss and cuddle before and after. I think you should give him a kick up the [BEEP]!

----------


## Rawr

> Oh no  Hopefully it is nothing cancerous. Keep us updated on how it goes, and if you need a  or just want to talk, you can PM me if you like.



Thank you! I will PM you when I go Monday for my Ultrasound.

----------


## lethargic nomad

SAS is messed up.  Can not log in.

----------


## Member11

> SAS is messed up.  Can not log in.



They was hacked, and passwords was stolen.

----------


## Otherside

> They was hacked, and passwords was stolen.



Oh fucking wonderful. 

So who here had the same password for there email? You need to change them. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

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## Antidote

> Doctor said that the huge lump in my left breast that's been there for months now could be cancerous. Gotta have an ultrasound & biopsy done.



Hopefully it's just benign... Fingers crossed for you.

----------


## Otherside

Banned from eating anything tomorrow cos of this colonoscopy Thursday. Until they thing is done Thursday morning. 

Oh this will be fun. Not. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Otherside

Had a Colonscopy today. Still under the effects of the sedative they gave me. You'd think, given the fact that I have a medical procedure and I feel kinda crap, I could just have a day where everything is not about my sisters pathetic whims. 

Oh no, that can't happen. 

She called up Mum whilst I was actually _having_ the Procedure to demand that Mum dropped everything, and went and sorted out her prom dress that instant because apparently, it wasn't perfect. She then demanded that Mum drive her to Milton Keynes so that she can buy another Prom Dress. And I'm not supposed to be left alone after this sedative. I get home and she doesn't even bother to ask how I am or how I went. It's just immeadiatley latching onto Mum "What are you going to do about my Prom dress?" "We must sort it out now!" "Me me me me me i'm the most important me me me me!"

She's so fucking selfish. I swear to god, that [BEEP] needs to grow the [BEEP] up, and I am two seconds away from slapping her. And realize that not everything is about her. 

God I fucking wish my biggest problem is life was that a prom dress didn't fit perfectly.

----------


## Otherside

Seriously. I'm going to start a list of things that I'm not supposed to be pissed off about with that involve my sister that seem perfectly reasonable, but apparently _isn't._

- I'm not supposed to be pissed off that she nicked money from me, several times, and used that money to buy a friends birthday present, go to wagamamas, and buy cigarettes, alchohol and weed. I couldn't give two hoots right now if she wants to smoke, drink or whatever. But for fucks sake, use your own money. 

-I'm not supposed to pissed off that the money that she used to pay for an overpriced wagamama's meal was the only piece of cash I thought I had on me at one point, and I needed it to pay for a bus fare to get to uni. I then almost missed the bus because I had to make a run to the nearest cash point, stick my card in, and get cash out. And pray that I had enough in my account to do so. Because heres the think you don't seem to comprehend, little sister. I may have "more money" than you, but I'm pretty much paying for myself. That "more money" goes on my bills, travel fares, anything I need for uni, food. I don't get to go "Dad can I have some money?" and getr given it. I don't get a free ride living here. I don't get everything paid for. I have to provide that myself. I don't have a problem with that. I do have a problem when the money goes missing. Especially at the end of the month, when I'm close to going into my overdraft (hey, did you know that costs me _more_ money if that happens?) 

- I'm not supposed to be pissed off that she can't even think "maybe today isn't about me, unlike every other day of the year, and maybe my prom dress problems can wait till another day, or at least, until my sister is home from a rather invasive procedure. Instead of calling Mum like the selfish little [BEEP] I am and demanding it be fixed this instant."

Also, apparently "I went through something similar" at her age. Gimme a break. I was dealing with suicidal depressions that landed me hospitals, manic episodes that were somewhat interesting, and at one point, a psychotic episode due to a drug interaction. I overdosed on a regular basis. The next person that tries to tell me that bipolar disorder is at all similiar to a being a stroppy teenager is going to get punched. (and no. She does not have bipolar. Not that that would excuse any of it. I do not, and never have, used my illness as an excuse for the way I behaved.)

----------


## fetisha

> Seriously. I'm going to start a list of things that I'm not supposed to be pissed off about with that involve my sister that seem perfectly reasonable, but apparently _isn't._
> 
> - I'm not supposed to be pissed off that she nicked money from me, several times, and used that money to buy a friends birthday present, go to wagamamas, and buy cigarettes, alchohol and weed. I couldn't give two hoots right now if she wants to smoke, drink or whatever. But for fucks sake, use your own money. 
> 
> -I'm not supposed to pissed off that the money that she used to pay for an overpriced wagamama's meal was the only piece of cash I thought I had on me at one point, and I needed it to pay for a bus fare to get to uni. I then almost missed the bus because I had to make a run to the nearest cash point, stick my card in, and get cash out. And pray that I had enough in my account to do so. Because heres the think you don't seem to comprehend, little sister. I may have "more money" than you, but I'm pretty much paying for myself. That "more money" goes on my bills, travel fares, anything I need for uni, food. I don't get to go "Dad can I have some money?" and getr given it. I don't get a free ride living here. I don't get everything paid for. I have to provide that myself. I don't have a problem with that. I do have a problem when the money goes missing. Especially at the end of the month, when I'm close to going into my overdraft (hey, did you know that costs me _more_ money if that happens?) 
> 
> - I'm not supposed to be pissed off that she can't even think "maybe today isn't about me, unlike every other day of the year, and maybe my prom dress problems can wait till another day, or at least, until my sister is home from a rather invasive procedure. Instead of calling Mum like the selfish little [BEEP] I am and demanding it be fixed this instant."
> 
> Also, apparently "I went through something similar" at her age. Gimme a break. I was dealing with suicidal depressions that landed me hospitals, manic episodes that were somewhat interesting, and at one point, a psychotic episode due to a drug interaction. I overdosed on a regular basis. The next person that tries to tell me that bipolar disorder is at all similiar to a being a stroppy teenager is going to get punched. (and no. She does not have bipolar. Not that that would excuse any of it. I do not, and never have, used my illness as an excuse for the way I behaved.)



 :Hug:

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## Member11

Got a cold  ::

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## Member11

> ...



 :Hug:

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## 1

Studying can be difficult at times..

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## L

Self esteem issues

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## FireIsTheCleanser

> Doctor said that the huge lump in my left breast that's been there for months now could be cancerous. Gotta have an ultrasound & biopsy done.



I hope everything's okay.






> They was hacked, and passwords was stolen.



Oh that explains that email they sent me with a new password. I just thought it was because I hadn't logged in in a long time. Good grief.

---------------------------------------

I really wish my parents would allow me to be like any other person my age and have more freedom in where, when, how long, and how frequently I go out. I also wish my dad would stop using the "trust" argument as to why I can't do that because his lying hypocritical, asshole piece of [BEEP] self should be the last person in this family touting about the importance of trust.

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## 1

Life sure can be harsh sometimes brah

----------


## L

moth holes in my new socks - I'm going to spray thus place with lavender

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## fetisha

> Life sure can be harsh sometimes brah



you got that right -____-

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## Member11

Just got out of hospital, had a bad reaction with my infection and my latest testosterone shot, I stopped breathing, was rushed to hospital and wired up to hundreds of wires to make sure my breathing and heart doesn't stop again, fml .____.

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## L

> Just got out of hospital, had a bad reaction with my infection and my latest testosterone shot, I stopped breathing, was rushed to hospital and wired up to hundreds of wires to make sure my breathing and heart doesn't stop again, fml .____.



Aw man, get well xxx

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## Member11

> Aw man, get well xxx



Thank you  :Hug:

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## Otherside

> Just got out of hospital, had a bad reaction with my infection and my latest testosterone shot, I stopped breathing, was rushed to hospital and wired up to hundreds of wires to make sure my breathing and heart doesn't stop again, fml .____.



:hugs damn thats horrible to hear

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

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## 1

Feel so useless,and depressed..

----------


## L

> Feel so useless,and depressed..



Im sorru you are feeling this way xxx

----------


## L

Decided I need to go back to counselling, doing it online so this time I might be able to open up for real. I'm so anxious about it.

----------


## Chantellabella

Back pain and fatigue. You know................old people ailments. 

Finally went to a chiropractor and he was shocked what I do all day and night. He was like, "Well, I see why you strained all your muscles. Can you slow down a bit?"

Never!

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## 1

Being woken up over loud noises

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## L

Starting counselling tomorrow for the third time...I really hope this time I can open up....sigh

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## Antidote

My skin.

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## GunnyHighway

It's been a while since I've been around but I've got nowhere else to vent.

I make a pittance of a living here in Calgary in relation to cost of living. I can barely afford rent and necessities while attempting to put money away for later. My extra money from usually just goes towards fixing my car, bike, phone, etc. Due to such I have applied for different jobs, even one in Yellowknife that I thought I was an absolute shoe-in for, as I don't think I can do this any longer. I got news yesterday that they hired someone else for that Yellowknife job and I have just been an absolute depressed mess since. I have been in a shitty place mentally for at least 9 months now, leading to putting back on 30 of the 70 pounds I lost just a few years back. I eat when I'm sad, I'm sad because I can't make friends or do what I want to, and now I'm fat again from eating my sorrows away. I am so close to throwing the towel in. Existing just to exist is hell and I don't think I'm fit for this world anymore.

----------


## Member11

> It's been a while since I've been around but I've got nowhere else to vent.
> 
> I make a pittance of a living here in Calgary in relation to cost of living. I can barely afford rent and necessities while attempting to put money away for later. My extra money from usually just goes towards fixing my car, bike, phone, etc. Due to such I have applied for different jobs, even one in Yellowknife that I thought I was an absolute shoe-in for, as I don't think I can do this any longer. I got news yesterday that they hired someone else for that Yellowknife job and I have just been an absolute depressed mess since. I have been in a shitty place mentally for at least 9 months now, leading to putting back on 30 of the 70 pounds I lost just a few years back. I eat when I'm sad, I'm sad because I can't make friends or do what I want to, and now I'm fat again from eating my sorrows away. I am so close to throwing the towel in. Existing just to exist is hell and I don't think I'm fit for this world anymore.



Don't think like that  :bopa:  You will find another job  :Hug:

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## UndercoverAngel

> It's been a while since I've been around but I've got nowhere else to vent.
> 
> I make a pittance of a living here in Calgary in relation to cost of living. I can barely afford rent and necessities while attempting to put money away for later. My extra money from usually just goes towards fixing my car, bike, phone, etc. Due to such I have applied for different jobs, even one in Yellowknife that I thought I was an absolute shoe-in for, as I don't think I can do this any longer. I got news yesterday that they hired someone else for that Yellowknife job and I have just been an absolute depressed mess since. I have been in a shitty place mentally for at least 9 months now, leading to putting back on 30 of the 70 pounds I lost just a few years back. I eat when I'm sad, I'm sad because I can't make friends or do what I want to, and now I'm fat again from eating my sorrows away. I am so close to throwing the towel in. Existing just to exist is hell and I don't think I'm fit for this world anymore.



I am sorry you are feeling this way. You not getting the job means that there is a better one waiting for you. Don't give up, you will find it. 
So, you put some weight back on. It is okay. Remember how you lost it last time. It is never to late to start doing it again. 
As far as money goes, you are not alone. Not to many people are able to save. You are willing to work and do what you have to do for yourself, and that you should be proud of. One day at a time.

----------


## Antidote

Allergic reaction all over my face because I've been using new products on it lately. The allergy could be due to any one of about 5 different things. So fckign itchy, red and uncomfortable. This is horrible.

----------


## UndercoverAngel

Yeah, trying to find an online support group, that is actually what it says, Active, welcoming, non judgmental etc..

I see many users that will read posts, but not answer. I understand that sometimes you do not know what to say, or do not have an answer. But, c mon, so many views, and 3 answers???? Also, when someone takes the time to answer or respond, say THANK YOU.

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## Otherside

> Yeah, trying to find an online support group, that is actually what it says, Active, welcoming, non judgmental etc..
> 
> I see many users that will read posts, but not answer. I understand that sometimes you do not know what to say, or do not have an answer. But, c mon, so many views, and 3 answers???? Also, when someone takes the time to answer or respond, say THANK YOU.



Is this relating to here? Please remember that this is an anxiety forum, and there will be many users that will view a post, and simply be too anxious to reply/post. Not everyone has the confidence to do so. 

Also, I do believe that the view counter counts views by "Guest" users, although I may be wrong.

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## UndercoverAngel

I just joined yesterday, so I do not know how this site is going to go yet. The Thread says "Anything bothering you right now?" So, I posted what I have been going through. I should of been more specific, I apologize.

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## L

It's to hot...this is Ireland not Spain...I want the irish weather back now thank you.....I have work tomorrow, I might die...the hospital doesn't have air con.

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## Otherside

> I just joined yesterday, so I do not know how this site is going to go yet. The Thread says "Anything bothering you right now?" So, I posted what I have been going through. I should of been more specific, I apologize.



No worries. And my apologies if I came across a bit harsh.

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## Otherside

> It's to hot...this is Ireland not Spain...I want the irish weather back now thank you.....I have work tomorrow, I might die...the hospital doesn't have air con.



I know how you feel. It's 35 at the moment here in the UK. I want the usual rain back.

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## UndercoverAngel

> No worries. And my apologies if I came across a bit harsh.



No apology needed. Nice to see the amount of compassion you showed for people like myself, who battle anxiety and all other beasts ::):

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## L

> I know how you feel. It's 35 at the moment here in the UK. I want the usual rain back.



I just woke to rain... kind of happy

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## Otherside

> I just woke to rain... kind of happy



I envy you so much right now. 

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## Otherside

People in this country whining about how we are not allowed to complain about the "leave" vote.

Right, because nobody's ever whined about the government/the Council and the decisions they make after they were "democratically elected", right? And the right to protest is a thing that's totally been stamped out in the country, right?

Let's not pretend for a second that you leave voters would shut up and accept a remain vote if that occurred. You'd be crying "NOT FAIR" and electoral fraud. FFS you were taking pens to the ballot because you believed MI6 had a plot to get a rubber and rub out your pencil crosses in the leave part of the paper.

And yes, i have every intention of leaving. Absolutely disgusted by this country right now. Currently looking at getting a placement job in Australia or doing a masters. Of course that's going to be difficult now due to the fact that we're going to loose EU higher education loans and the right to free movement in Schengen. So thanks for that. But hey - at least the Polish won't be stealing my job, right? 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

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## Member11

> Currently looking at getting a placement job in Australia or doing a masters.



You will be more than welcome down here  ::):

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## UndercoverAngel

I burned my toast, made more and burned that to :doh:

----------


## Member11

> I burned my toast, made more and burned that to



That sucks!  ::(: 

At least the first burned toast has a friend to hang out with  ::):

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## UndercoverAngel

::  Yeah in the garbage can. It can get lonely in there.

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

Good fucking grief, I hate my dad.

----------


## fetisha

> Good fucking grief, I hate my dad.



I can relate sometimes -__-

----------


## Otherside

Had a cold caller/phone spammer person. Why we're suddenly getting a load I don't know, but my SA gets pretty bad dealing with them. I'm still not 100% confident dealing with people over the phone like that. 

Had one that seemed pretty desperate. Yes, I appreciate that you're probably getting paid a [BEEP] amount on commision per successful sale or survey or whatver, but the last time somebody answered a survey about which TV service we use, the satelite dish was stolen. And besides, I don't feel comfortable handing out data about myself to a person who won't identify who they are, or what company they work for.

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## UndercoverAngel

Sorry about what you are dealing with. I can relate 100%. My phone has been ringing like nuts. They are all unavailable numbers. Especially  with this being an election season. I got a telezapper. Maybe something you can look into. It zaps your phone number out of the data base. Some make a low pitch noise and it makes it think the number is no longer in service. It worked for me pretty well, but takes a little while for all of them to stop.

----------


## L

Going to the gym is going well but my eating needs to improve....I am trying and it is difficult

----------


## Otherside

Moods dipped. Why the [BEEP] should I even try? It's a lifelong condition and all I can so is just pop pills that give me shitty side effects. And it feels like I can't do anything without it flairing up and fucking everything up. It's like im tiptoeing all the time. 

Those pills lie to you. You're never "cured" or truly stable. They just make the symptoms easier to hide. And so naturally people think I'm more well than I actually am. 

I need to see a doctor again but why the [BEEP] should I bother? What would they do. The NHS doea [BEEP] all until you hit crisis point. And I can't afford private. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

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## Member11

> ...



 :freehug:

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## Otherside

So somehow, I managed to snap my bus pass. I don't know how. It seemed to happen by magic. I was getting onto a bus, went to sit down. The stupid thing snaps. It's the tiniest snap ever, yet somehow, as if by some luck, I have managed to snap the part with the chip in it. Which has now gone flying and is probably lying on the floor of a bus somewhere. 

So now the stupid thing won't scan - doesn't even get rejected, just isn't even recognised. Hoping arriva will let me get home. 

Edit - they let me on the bus thankfully. I can go home. Still gonna have to pay for a new one ffs 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

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## Otherside

Woken up and my head is bad. Well hello migrane. Gonna be one of those days huh? 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

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## L

*WARNING RANT*

My friend had a baby recently - I can't bring myself to go see her (granted she lives over 3 hours away but I would do the drive if I really wanted to). I just feel so bitter towards her at the moment. This is her second kid, She moved to the UK 4 years ago to be with this guy, planned a kid within weeks. Guy is a prick but she stays with him for 3 years. Moves in with another guy, until her plans to move back home to Ireland are in order. Tells me she is pregnant, planned. Moves home with her parents pregnant while the father stays in the UK as he is joining the Army there. She turned down going to college to have a kid and she doesn't work. She is going to get all the benefits handed to her and probably a house too in time. While I work full time and now have to pay towards her benefits while I wouldn't get any of that because I do work full time. If I fell pregnant I would be so scared as I do not have the money to look after a child and I wouldn't be able to claim.

I will get over this, time will pass and I will go back to being supportive as I usually am. I just feel really bitter at the moment  ::(:

----------


## UndercoverAngel

Why is it that, every time I see someone breaking the law, speeding, running lights and stop signs, kids jumping around a vehicle, not seat belted in, there is never a cop around??? Other days, every time you turn around, you see a cop!  :shrug:

----------


## Antidote

Fatigue. Acne. Allergies.

----------


## Otherside

Stomach's bad again. They finally gave me a diagnosis and handed me a bunch of pills, but they seem to be doing [BEEP] all right now. Oh well.

----------


## Member11

> Stomach's bad again. They finally gave me a diagnosis and handed me a bunch of pills, but they seem to be doing [BEEP] all right now. Oh well.



 ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## L

Were you born in a barn??????????

----------


## fetisha

cramps -______-

----------


## Otherside

There was an article today I came across where basically a girl encouraged her boyfriend to commit suicide, and in that article, the entire text message conversation was outlined. The whole thing was disturbing. In the same message she would tell him she loved him. At the same time she was texting his family and friends telling them she had no clue where he was and that she missed talking to him. It wasn't simply lack of common sense or misjudgement - she knew what she was doing was wrong.

That got to me. Three and a half years ago or so i tried to take my life. One person telling me not to could have stopped that from happening. On the other hand, well...

[BEEP] her. I hope she ends up in jail for a long time. I hope she does get found guilty with that involuntary manslaughter charge. I am still shocked at some people in this world. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

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## L

I'm shaking, had to make phone calls...I did them but my anxiety is so high

----------


## Member11

> I'm shaking, had to make phone calls...I did them but my anxiety is so high



 :Hug:

----------


## Otherside

I'm having to de-virus the family computer. AGAIN. 

FFS what is it with people and click click everything is to click yes install give permission to run. You're going to be incredibly lucky if I don't have to do a complete reinstall of windows at this rate.

----------


## Member11

Pain  ::'(:

----------


## 1

> I'm so sick of people who don't tell you whats wrong or why they won't talk to you and end up giving you the silent treatment for whatever reason when you haven't really done anything wrong to them, its so stupid ugh!



Yup,I agree

----------


## UndercoverAngel

> Pain



 ::'(:  So sorry, I hope it eases soon.

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## UndercoverAngel

I really wish I wasn't so afraid to post things on here so people can get a better understanding of me. I am afraid.

Every time I write something, I end up erasing it. ( The personal stuff)! My heart is racing just typing this.

I stick to the fun and games and answer things more than I am able to post myself out of pure fear.  ::

----------


## Member11

> I really wish I wasn't so afraid to post things on here so people can get a better understanding of me. I am afraid.
> 
> Every time I write something, I end up erasing it. ( The personal stuff)! My heart is racing just typing this.
> 
> I stick to the fun and games and answer things more than I am able to post myself out of pure fear.



Don't be, the only thing you have to worry about here is getting overloaded with hugs!  :Hug:

----------


## fetisha

> I really wish I wasn't so afraid to post things on here so people can get a better understanding of me. I am afraid.
> 
> Every time I write something, I end up erasing it. ( The personal stuff)! My heart is racing just typing this.
> 
> I stick to the fun and games and answer things more than I am able to post myself out of pure fear.



Same here and I have a habit of deleting my post.Some  of the mods here kept getting me to come back and convinced me this site isn't like the other site (social anxiety support) and they were right, but I have seen some of the trolls here from the other site that annoyed me on here a while back. I really don't like sharing too much period.

----------


## Member11

> Same here and I have a habit of deleting my post.Some  of the mods here kept getting me to come back and convinced me this site isn't like the other site (social anxiety support) and they were right, but I have seen some of the trolls here from the other site that annoyed me on here a while back. I really don't like sharing too much period.



I'm glad you stay as I do like seeing you here  ::):  If you have issues with anyone please let the staff know and we will take care of it. The rules here are much stronger than the other site so you shouldn't have to worry about trolls.

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## UndercoverAngel

> Don't be, the only thing you have to worry about here is getting overloaded with hugs!



Thanks Jerry. Hugs are good. ::):

----------


## UndercoverAngel

> Same here and I have a habit of deleting my post.Some  of the mods here kept getting me to come back and convinced me this site isn't like the other site (social anxiety support) and they were right, but I have seen some of the trolls here from the other site that annoyed me on here a while back. I really don't like sharing too much period.



I am sorry to hear that people are annoying you. I do not know what a troll is, but I think it is just terrible that someone would give someone else a hard time on a site where they are trying to feel better. I am new, and I hope with time I can feel more comfortable, and I hope you can to. ::):

----------


## fetisha

> I am sorry to hear that people are annoying you. I do not know what a troll is, but I think it is just terrible that someone would give someone else a hard time on a site where they are trying to feel better. I am new, and I hope with time I can feel more comfortable, and I hope you can to.



Its not just me a lot of people have harassed and they have said rude things to each other the other site more than I have actually so I gave up and left that place because it was too much drama.

----------


## UndercoverAngel

I have tried other sites. I had found one where it seemed to be okay, but what happened was, I started to post, which was hard. I got some good answers, but the friend part didn't go so well. When I do something, I dedicate myself to it, and I took the time for others, and nobody would talk to me unless I initiated it. Well, that just made me feel not good. I understand why we are here, and that we are all looking for help or support or just the feeling of not being alone, but when you try to have as many friends as possible, I just don't think that you can keep up with people and give them the time they deserve. That seemed to be the case with some of the others I have dealt with. They were on the site just like me, but made me feel as though it was their job to answer me.

As far as harassing people, geez, that is just disgusting to me. If you had a good thing going and felt you had to leave cause of harassment, that is just terrible. The people here seem very kind, and do not seem like they will put up with the BS. I hope you are able to get comfortable, and be more of yourself.

----------


## L

It hurts....the sunburn hurts so much - IT WASN'T EVEN THAT SUNNY

----------


## Otherside

It may be time to admit the sad, sad truth. 

I am going to have to call for help tomorrow. 

Things are getting a bit to scary. Not sleeping. Feeling excitable. Full of energy. Irritability. Warning signs once again. I ignore them every time. 

Two weeks ago, depressed as fuck, no motivation. Now this? 

Maybe I do need to see a psychiatrist. I don't know. Maybe it's time I picked up the phone and gave them a call. 

Don't even know if I'm still on the list of patients or if I need a GP referral again. Hope not cos my GP is never in and convincing some random is never fun. The last random Gp seemed to forget I was an adult, and what confidentiality laws are. I do tell my parents most things regarding my bipolar, but my mother has an aversion to sleeping pills entirely, which seems to extend to me taking them when manic.

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## 1

Kinda nervous for school tomorrow

----------


## Otherside

Feeling ill. Wasn't able to.go into work.today cos of it. Still feel ill. Sore all over and shivery somehow despite the fact that.its 30cish out there. I'm lying under two blankets and a duvet. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Otherside

> Kinda nervous for school tomorrow



Unfortunately I know the feeling all to well. Hope it goes okay.

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## RawrJessiRawr

People, people. That's all

----------


## Otherside

Filling out applications for jobs. They all now have a part for "Diversity Monitoring". 

It just feels intrusive. It's none of Bella Italia's business that I'm Bisexual. It's also none of there business that I suffer from Bipolar. And if I lie about the second one and they find out, apparently I can get fired. Yet stating I have it makes it hard for me to get hired unless they're looking for a token mentally ill person to have on the team to stay look, we're all inclusie and understanding!

Whoever decided these questionaires on job applications were a good idea is a fucking idiot. Unfortunatley, I know which part of society campaigned for these, and I can't critize them without being labelled an "-ism". Ignore the fact that I'm one of the people you're being offended on the behalf of.

----------


## L

Life is good until I have to socialise with new people, [BEEP] me. I'd rather be left in a dark room with no window.

----------


## Otherside

Got a job interview tomorrow. Panicking. 

Oh well. So long as I don't say the word "Bullshit" this time it will go better than the last interview, right?

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## L

> Got a job interview tomorrow. Panicking. 
> 
> Oh well. So long as I don't say the word "Bullshit" this time it will go better than the last interview, right?
> 
> Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk



Good luck, just go for it  ::):  hugs xxx

----------


## Otherside

> Good luck, just go for it  hugs xxx



Thank you  ::): 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## UndercoverAngel

Lost 40 dollars. You know people suck and will not turn it in. Occasionally you have a good samaritan, that will do the right thing, but most just put it in their pocket like it was theirs. I always turn money in where ever I find it. It could be life or death to someone losing money. I only hope that, whoever did find it, actually needed it, and they will benefit from it.

----------


## Member11

> Lost 40 dollars. You know people suck and will not turn it in. Occasionally you have a good samaritan, that will do the right thing, but most just put it in their pocket like it was theirs. I always turn money in where ever I find it. It could be life or death to someone losing money. I only hope that, whoever did find it, actually needed it, and they will benefit from it.



 :Hug:

----------


## Member11

> Got a job interview tomorrow. Panicking. 
> 
> Oh well. So long as I don't say the word "Bullshit" this time it will go better than the last interview, right?



How did it go?

----------


## Otherside

> How did it go?



I don't think I got the job, but we'll see.

I think they were looking for someone who's going to be sticking around for a while, and I'm not that person. I'm definately moving away next September, and so I can't really stay on.

----------


## Member11

> I don't think I got the job, but we'll see.
> 
> I think they were looking for someone who's going to be sticking around for a while, and I'm not that person. I'm definately moving away next September, and so I can't really stay on.



They should give you the job anyway so you'll have more money to help with the move  ::):  Where are you moving to?

----------


## Otherside

> They should give you the job anyway so you'll have more money to help with the move  Where are you moving to?



Not sure, but gonna have to move to finish the last year of my degree.

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

When looking through college finances, "Uh-oh" is something you should not be saying.

----------


## Otherside

> When looking through college finances, "Uh-oh" is something you should not be saying.



:hug

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## fetisha

I think the new medication I am on is making have low energy again :/

----------


## Otherside

> I think the new medication I am on is making have low energy again :/



Ah the struggles of shitty side effects. :hugs 

I hope it passes at any rate. The medication I was on made me lethargic and feel a bit emotionless at first but it past after a few weeks or so. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## fetisha

> Ah the struggles of shitty side effects. :hugs 
> 
> I hope it passes at any rate. The medication I was on made me lethargic and feel a bit emotionless at first but it past after a few weeks or so. 
> 
> Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk



Yeah  I'm also on birth control pills and antibotics so I'm going to feel more messed up now. I been crying more but I'm not sure if its a side or if pms is coming lol

----------


## L

Tried to encourage my bf to come to the gym with me but instead I mead him feel shitty about himself.  ::(:

----------


## JesusChild

That I got used, she strung me along and took advantage of me, she used me, I cared deeply for her, I felt like she cared about me and we had this connection, Chemistry, I wrote a song for her, and it felt like we were bonding but she was using me, pulling me along meanwhile all I was was her boy on the side, I was her lover her side piece, I didn't know till it was too late that she was in a relationship with someone while she was trying to have something with me, if I'd have known I'd have left her.  

I would never go out of my way to intentionally hurt this guy, I didn't know about him, I was naive I fell for all her sexy words, her looks, her seduction, she wanted me to think we had a chance, pulled the rug right out from under me, said I was a nice guy and I'd find someone else, said she was leaving had to get back to reality.  She's gone now and all I have is guilt and memories.  

What's strange is I never expected to fall for her that came totally by surprise to me.  I won't apologize for caring about her or having these feelings for her, she got into my system but she made her choice and now I have to move on and focus rebuilding my life little by little and my self esteem and think about what's important but I'm angry at her at myself at being this nice guy who always some how finds a way to get his heartbroken. Thing is I hadn't felt this way about anyone in a long time, she was the first person since my ex who I've felt this strongly about.

----------


## L

I want to be a better person,I want to do more....I think he might be holding me back  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

Actually Yes. 

So my Uncle was found dead in his flat yesterday. We don't exactly know what killed him, so there's an inquest into the death. Although I have my suspects, as do we all (He was severly obese, diabetic and not treating that, and a heavy drinker, which had gotten worse lately). Nevertheless, there's an inquest. So everything is in limbo whilst they decide what actually killed him. None of us can do a thing. 

Dunno how my grandmother took it when they told her earlier, but I don't think she took it well. Mum and the other two brothers decided not to tell her until after she'd had her dialysis today (they were worried she wouldn't do it if they told her, and she kinda needs it. She gets sick quickly if she doesn't do it, and the next session isn't until tuesday otherwise). She was starting to seem happier after Grandad passed and have some sense of normality back into her life.

----------


## L

> I ended another friendship with another person cause I think I'm too messed up to socialize and I can tell he low key hates me



I'm sorry to hear this. I wish you didn't feel that way, did you talk to him about it? *hugs*

----------


## fetisha

> I'm sorry to hear this. I wish you didn't feel that way, did you talk to him about it? *hugs*



I kind of did but he keeps saying hes just shy and likes talking to me, thinks I'm pretty but I find it hard to believe, I actually ended it twice. The second time he didn't say much. I tried to do this with a female friend of mine but shes been so nice to me.

----------


## L

> I kind of did but he keeps saying hes just shy and likes talking to me, thinks I'm pretty but I find it hard to believe, I actually ended it twice. The second time he didn't say much. I tried to do this with a female friend of mine but shes been so nice to me.



Why do you find it hard to believe? It seems ending the relationships isn't a nice thing for you. Do you not believe what your friends are saying to you?

----------


## L

I am kind of freaking out over the fact that I have agreed to start a stress reduction intervention with people I don't know - wow, is this something really great or am I just freaking crazy!!!!!!

----------


## fetisha

my cold keeps coming back ughh!

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

> When looking through college finances, "Uh-oh" is something you should not be saying.



Well I think that's fixed. But now I've found out I'm like two weeks late on doing ANYTHING on my online course. Ohmiygofohmigodohmyiodohmigodohmygod I AM FREAKING *OUT*.

----------


## Otherside

> i have to play in a tournament on saturday that im scared to play in. im not ready and i wish i had more time to  practice and get ready. also my english teacher is turning out to be a hecking big communist jew. i didn't mind it when he said stuff about the white men or the patriarchy but now hes even saying the the idea of heroes in history is _an imposed ideology_ :C. i want out but im already a month in and turned in my first essay. it started out really communist-lite so i didn't think its gonna be a big deal. but its gotten to the point where im attending revolutionary training camp in the mornings, and i never signed up to be a revolutionary, i just want my english credits. dangnabbit.



If you're getting english credits based on your political views I'd consider reporting it. Where you are on the political spectrum, has little to do with English, and shouldn't be mentioned. 

But damn, that [BEEP] actually happens in US Universities (Assuming you're in the US)? I'd heard the rumours but bloody hell. What next, an honoury engineering degree based on whether or not you are fully comitted to marxism?

----------


## Lunaire

> I feel like I scare people away without even trying....



Aww. Perhaps you just know a lot of introverted people?

----------


## L

Did a team meeting today, said something stupid in front of the doctor #mortified

----------


## L

Feeling really lonely today

----------


## Total Eclipse

My head hurts. :c

----------


## SmileyFace

my mom needs a damn life... can't ever leave me alone. the attachment issues she has is what causes my anxiety in the first place.

----------


## fetisha

I wish I could have  a normal personality.

----------


## Total Eclipse

Today is hard.  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

I feel like sobbing to be honest. And I don't know why. I just feel miserable, angry and pissed off at the world.  ::(: 

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----------


## Otherside

So this is a long one. Probably suited for one of the many whiny blog posts (well it has to go somewhere, right?) but Tapatalk is a massive pain in the [BEEP] and doesn't support blogging. So here goes. 

I'm pissed off as fuck. 

Why? I'm fed up that I'm stuck the way I am. I'm in my twenties, unemployed, and I'm beginning to wonder if I'm unemployable. I had to drop out to school thanks to a mental illness causing me to end up in hospital. And even then it's not like I would have passed my exams because I couldn't remember a single thing. I lost my driving license when I got diagnosed. I was sat at home for a year unable to do anything and at one point, too scared to leave the house because I thought people would kill me and I thought this because I believed I was hearing there thoughts. I'd sit up at night top afraid to sleep because of this. And this condition...it almost took my life. Three times. And caused me to become a chronic overdoser which might have contributed to the rather painful stomach I have right now for all I know. 

And so here I am sat at home, not really doing much. I'm in college two days a week, living with my parents so they can keep an eye on me if I get sick again. My sister genuinely believes that everything is about her when it comes to my condition, and that it's ruined her life, and for someone who did psychology at school, has shown an astounding lack of understanding regarding it. And still shows a complete lack of remorse for the money that she stole from me to pay for cigarettes, a trip to wagamamas and a couple of birthday. None of which are my fucking problem and the lost money meant I had issues paying for things I needed to pay for that month! (You know,bills and stuff which you get into trouble with if you don't pay when you're an adult. Totally on par with wagamamas and a nicotine addiction.)

So what's brought this on? Well I'm currently watching everyone I know graduate, have kids, get a mortgage, get jobs, etc. And me? Nah I'm just the unemployed live with your parents (basement dweller if we had one I guess) with a mental illness I've done nothing to deserve. Heck, the kid who bullied me at school is in a job right now. I mean, it's a [BEEP] job - she's manning the Self Service Counters at Tesco (the British version of Walmart I guess). But it seems better than I'm dping right now. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Member11

> ...



You are right, you don't deserve anything that you are going through. You are such a sweet and awesome person, the world would be a much worst place without you. Don't give up, fight for what you deserve  :Hug:

----------


## L

So I managed to get my ticket for Coldplay (I have always said I would go see them if they came to Ireland)....I don't have anyone to share my excitement with. My best friend wants to go to a different music festival that is on the same time and when I asked my boyfriend (which has been a number of times) he doesn't answer, just laughs and walks away. I am feeling a bit sad now. I have a spare ticket now.

----------


## fetisha

Now I have to switch back to the medication I was on, I'm going to give my psychiatrist a headache. :/

----------


## Total Eclipse

> So I managed to get my ticket for Coldplay (I have always said I would go see them if they came to Ireland)....I don't have anyone to share my excitement with. My best friend wants to go to a different music festival that is on the same time and when I asked my boyfriend (which has been a number of times) he doesn't answer, just laughs and walks away. I am feeling a bit sad now. I have a spare ticket now.



I looooooove Cold Play. So jealous!!!! Hope you find someone to go with.

----------


## Otherside

I have flu. So naturally I'm in bed sneezing away here. 

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----------


## Lunaire

Feeling like I don't have enough time outside of work.

----------


## L

Self inflected neck pain

----------


## Lunaire

> Self inflected neck pain



I'm sorry to hear that.

I hope you are feeling better. 🙁

----------


## L

> I'm sorry to hear that.
> 
> I hope you are feeling better.



Well it may have been due to a lot of head banging at a concert

----------


## Total Eclipse

not enough 4 letter words for the craptastic day I had.

----------


## L

> not enough 4 letter words for the craptastic day I had.



***Hugs****

----------


## L

Yay I haven't slept in over 24hours....brain will not shut off

----------


## Member11

> Yay I haven't slept in over 24hours....brain will not shut off



 :Hug:  I give your brain a  :bopa:  for not letting you sleep

----------


## L

> I give your brain a  for not letting you sleep



Just about to lie down again, hoping for a straight 6 hours.

----------


## Member11

> Just about to lie down again, hoping for a straight 6 hours.



Have a good sleepy this time  :Hug:

----------


## fetisha

These birth control pills are driving me crazy!

----------


## L

> I'm wondering if driving around aimlessly, wasting lots of gas, means you're crazy.



If it does lock me up. Driving is so therapeutic for me.

----------


## Otherside

So I got a form today telling me they're reassessing my disability award. 

Yup I'm gonna get taken off it. Got to honest with them I suppose. I'm not as sick as I was two years ago or so. And I don't have the heart to go through with the appeals process again. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## fetisha

I'm more of a hypochondriac now after what the doctors has been telling me lately even though he thinks I really have nothing to worry about and think I have a good immune system.

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

My phone got messed up yesterday. I think it got bricked. I lost all my data and had to buy a new phone  ::(: 


Good news is, I get a new phone that can handle playing Pokemon Go. What what!





I'm still fucking pissed.

----------


## Otherside

I have to say, I'm disgusted by the reaction to "Male Birth Control" and it's side effects. 

Maybe it's just that I've had quite a history of mood swings and depression, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'd happily support anyone who wanted off because of that, and I'd never force my partner to stay on it. Nor would I simply go "well boo hoo look at the menz complaining look at all these male tearz lollz why can't they take some responsibility?"

Side effects are side effects. Depression and mood swings can be serious. It's not some mild side effect that you just laugh off and mock someone for not wanting to endure them.

----------


## Member11

> I have to say, I'm disgusted by the reaction to "Male Birth Control" and it's side effects. 
> 
> Maybe it's just that I've had quite a history of mood swings and depression, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I'd happily support anyone who wanted off because of that, and I'd never force my partner to stay on it. Nor would I simply go "well boo hoo look at the menz complaining look at all these male tearz lollz why can't they take some responsibility?"
> 
> Side effects are side effects. Depression and mood swings can be serious. It's not some mild side effect that you just laugh off and mock someone for not wanting to endure them.



Guys get this "just man up" thing a lot, I'm sick of it, especially when it comes from people who are complete babies themselves, usually girls. I'm on testosterone replacement therapy, which is the same shot as the male birth control, so I have to deal with those side effects, it's not fun.

----------


## Otherside

> Guys get this "just man up" thing a lot, I'm sick of it, especially when it comes from people who are complete babies themselves, usually girls. I'm on testosterone replacement therapy, which is the same shot as the male birth control, so I have to deal with those side effects, it's not fun.



I've heard of this a lot. And some of the people complaining about guys not being willing to put up depression/mood swings as a side effect from the injections are people who I see regularly speaking about their own issues with depression on Facebook. For people who are claiming to suffer from it themselves, they could show a little sympathy. 

And I feel for you on the side effects thing. Side effects can be horrible.  :Hug:

----------


## Member11

> I've heard of this a lot. And some of the people complaining about guys not being willing to put up depression/mood swings as a side effect from the injections are people who I see regularly speaking about their own issues with depression on Facebook. For people who are claiming to suffer from it themselves, they could show a little sympathy.



Plus them not showing sympathy undercuts their message that women are dealing with side effects when on birth control, unless they are saying men shouldn't show sympathy to women dealing with side effects? Also, I note one of the side effects that people seem to be ignoring is *permanent* infertility, which is a big red flag.





> And I feel for you on the side effects thing. Side effects can be horrible.



Thanks  :Hug:  Mine is even worst as my doctors can't get my testosterone levels stable, so I have to put up with the side effects of the TRT, my low testosterone, and when my testosterone gets up my body is not used to testosterone so I have to put up with things like bone/muscle pain, more wider mood changes, high anxiety, etc. I wish it would stop  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

> Plus them not showing sympathy undercuts their message that women are dealing with side effects when on birth control, unless they are saying men shouldn't show sympathy to women dealing with side effects? Also, I note one of the side effects that people seem to be ignoring is *permanent* infertility, which is a big red flag.



Ah, I hadn't seen the permanent infertility problem. That is one that's pretty serious. And I'm not sure why that's being ignored. I do hope people are warned about that if this gets approved for usage, and people do start to try and use this. 





> Thanks  Mine is even worst as my doctors can't get my testosterone levels stable, so I have to put up with the side effects of the TRT, my low testosterone, and when my testosterone gets up my body is not used to testosterone so I have to put up with things like bone/muscle pain, more wider mood changes, high anxiety, etc. I wish it would stop



Damn, those are some pretty shitty side effects.  :Hug:

----------


## Member11

> Ah, I hadn't seen the permanent infertility problem. That is one that's pretty serious. And I'm not sure why that's being ignored. I do hope people are warned about that if this gets approved for usage, and people do start to try and use this.



It is serious. But even putting aside the permanent infertility problem, the other side effects should be enough to force a rethink. The dismissive attitude towards mood swings and mental health more generally needs to stop. Everyone deserves to have good mental health and it shouldn't be on the person to "man up" and "deal with it".





> Damn, those are some pretty shitty side effects.



Yeah, it just goes to show how damaging a 4mm x 6mm pituitary tumour can be.

----------


## fetisha

^ speaking of side effects from birth control pills, I was going to bring up how much the withdrawal side effects are effecting my body now. I had to stop taking them cause I couldn't handle it.

----------


## Otherside

> ^ speaking of side effects from birth control pills, I was going to bring up how much the withdrawal side effects are effecting my body now. I had to stop taking them cause I couldn't handle it.



I had bad withdrawal from Microgynon (the one you take for 27 days or so, then don't take for a week.) Felt pretty nauseous and had bad mood swings for two or so weeks. It was horrible. The birth control stuff can be horrible at times. I hope you feel okay from it soon.  :Hug: 

I'm having the injection at the moment, had about three shots of it (they last about 10 weeks ago or so) and thankfully I haven't had many side effects from that.

----------


## Member11

> ^ speaking of side effects from birth control pills, I was going to bring up how much the withdrawal side effects are effecting my body now. I had to stop taking them cause I couldn't handle it.



That sucks  ::(:  Hopefully the withdrawal side effects ends really soon  :Hug:

----------


## Otherside

So today: 

Going Manic. Been happening for a while, but thought I could wait until an appointment. Woke up this morning feeling like crap, barely slept. Every single thing is irritating me again, worse than usual. Bad enough that I usually would have skipped, but I didn't really have that choice today. I had an exam. 

So go in, making the decision to call my psych when they open. Spend the first hour of the lecture irritated by everything, can't focus on anything, my brain just feels too...it's hard to describe. High Strung maybe? Either way, it's running too fast and it can't take anything in. 

So 10 ticks along, and I manage to call the psych in my break. Spend 20 minutes on-hold, get through to them. No, I get an appointment, because apparently I have been discharged. When this happened I don't know. But I'm pretty pissed. They tell me they won't make a psych appointment because I was apparently discharged. I need to go back to my GP, and get referred again. I tell them that's ridiculous, I have a month long wait to see her, and then I'll get shoved onto a month-long waiting list to get an assessment to get back into there system when it was there fucking screw up. I'm not waiting two months. She finally agrees to put my through to a care coordinator who might be able to sort something. Please wait for them to call you back. 

Hang up, wait for them to call me back. Call GP, on hold again for 10 minutes, get through to receptionist. Try and make appointment. No, there's none available, you'll have to wait, says the woman. I told her I was calling the hospital. I need my GP to put a referral through for me. That would not be a problem if I could speak to my GP. Nope, nothing we can do. I loose it and tell her I have a long-term, relatively serious mental health condition which is getting worse, and I'm not waiting a month to get the referral to a hospital which should not have discharged me in the first place. Still won't do anything.

Care coordinator calls me back. I tell her the predicament. She thinks the receptionist at doctors surgery is out of line. Calls receptionist and tells her to get a grip. Still can't get anywhere. Care coordinator can't do anything without me being referred by a doctor in terms of "can I see a psychiatrist". Tells me to just call them again early tomorrow and make an urgent appointment with any doctor. If I don't get one, I swear to god, I will fucking lose it with them. 

And if they screw me around again? I'm going private. I'm not dealing with them deciding whether I'm "ill enough" to need help based on some criteria that seem's to just include "are you a threat to others and your yourself?" and even then that's gets debated. Sometimes, I fucking hate them.  ::@:

----------


## Total Eclipse

Eyes burning.... Feeling irritable and bad migraine

----------


## 1

Feeling like crap

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Feeling like crap



Hugs. Hope you feel better soon.

----------


## Lunaire

Overwhelmed at work.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Overwhelmed at work.



Sorry  ::(:   What about work that is overwhelming you?

Try fo celebrate the little things...

----------


## Lunaire

> Sorry   What about work that is overwhelming you?
> 
> Try fo celebrate the little things...



Getting assigned to more projects to manage at the last minute and scrambling to get up-to-date on it before a meeting with the affected parties.  ::'(: 

Coffee sounds amazing right now!  :Coffee:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Getting assigned to more projects to manage at the last minute and scrambling to get up-to-date on it before a meeting with the affected parties. 
> 
> Coffee sounds amazing right now!



Ahhh that's really crappy of them  ::(:

----------


## 1

This is all a roller coaster, I want off already

----------


## Member11

In a lot of pain atm  ::(:

----------


## Member11

> Hope you're feeling better now



Thank you, I'm feeling a bit better today  :Hug:

----------


## fetisha

Thats it, I give up.

----------


## Otherside

Do you ever look at the news and think "what the [BEEP] this is incredibly depressing" and wonder what the hell the world is coming to? 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Total Eclipse

Feeling rough  ::(:

----------


## Total Eclipse

When you miss someone so badly you want to cry.. :c

----------


## HoldTheSea

I'm spending Thanksgiving with my partner's family. Literally all the stereotypes about the evil mother in law can be inserted here.

----------


## fetisha

cramps and worried about the future again...

----------


## Borophyll

One minute something good happens, next minute 10 things go wrong. Getting tired of it all.

----------


## Otherside

I've got a cold coming on I think. I've been sniffing away for the last two days.  :-_-:

----------


## Member11

I have to see three specialist over the next three days, going be so painful  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

> I have to see three specialist over the next three days, going be so painful



 :Hug:  Thinking of you.

----------


## Member11

> Thinking of you.



Thank you  :Hug:  One down, two to go...

----------


## Member11

Oooooooouuuuuuucccccccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhh

----------


## Total Eclipse

Aching heart is one of the worse feelings one can feel  ::(:

----------


## L

Give so much of myself as a nursepsychiatric and get fucked over in return. Stood up for myself despite my anxiety and uuuuugggggghhhhhhh

----------


## Member11

> Give so much of myself as a nursepsychiatric and get fucked over in return. Stood up for myself despite my anxiety and uuuuugggggghhhhhhh



What happened?  ::(:

----------


## L

Volunteered to work xmas day and st. Stephen's day. Got rostered xmas eve, day and day after....all the holidays. I don't even get holiday pay on xmas day as itit falls on athe Sunday....but low and behold it's been given to anyone working on tuesday which I wasn't rostered to work. Made it clear to my manager who was so cold over the whole thing.

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

> Volunteered to work xmas day and st. Stephen's day. Got rostered xmas eve, day and day after....all the holidays. I don't even get holiday pay on xmas day as itit falls on athe Sunday....but low and behold it's been given to anyone working on tuesday which I wasn't rostered to work. Made it clear to my manager who was so cold over the whole thing.



I'm sorry to hear that. That really sucks. How long do you have to work on each of those days?

----------


## L

> I'm sorry to hear that. That really sucks. How long do you have to work on each of those days?



Thanks and it's 13 hour days

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I'm spending Thanksgiving with my partner's family. Literally all the stereotypes about the evil mother in law can be inserted here.



How did it end up going?

----------


## Member11

> Volunteered to work xmas day and st. Stephen's day. Got rostered xmas eve, day and day after....all the holidays. I don't even get holiday pay on xmas day as itit falls on athe Sunday....but low and behold it's been given to anyone working on tuesday which I wasn't rostered to work. Made it clear to my manager who was so cold over the whole thing.



That sucks  ::(:   :Hug:  Your boss needs one of these  :bopa:

----------


## Otherside

So I was looking for my mother's phone in her bag earlier. She wanted me to fix something with it. Anyway whilst I was doing that I came across something...A DNR certificate with my grandmothers name on it. 

Don't get me wrong, I respect her choice. I can understand why...but it just all seems hopeless now. As if the fact that she's dying is all the more real. And I just feel angry that nobody told me - it was signed a year back. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I had no right to know...but I feel angry and hopeless nevertheless. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## fetisha

I think I embarrass myself too much just by existing...

----------


## HoldTheSea

I tried joining another forum, and I was absolutely appalled by the level of immaturity.
Any time I expressed myself or disagreed with someone (calmly and responsibly!) they were very quick to accuse me of being a troll.
This is how adults behave online?

----------


## HoldTheSea

> How did it end up going?



Thank you for asking. The actual Thanksgiving in itself wasn't that bad, but things have escalated afterwards and continued to stay that way.

----------


## Member11

> I tried joining another forum, and I was absolutely appalled by the level of immaturity.
> Any time I expressed myself or disagreed with someone (calmly and responsibly!) they were very quick to accuse me of being a troll.
> This is how adults behave online?



This forum has proven that calm and respectful discussions can be done online between people who disagree. I think people who do this are just bored teenagers and anger middle-age people who just want to shouts and thinks it's funny.





> Thank you for asking. The actual Thanksgiving in itself wasn't that bad, but things have escalated afterwards and continued to stay that way.



That sucks  ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Otherside

> This forum has proven that calm and respectful discussions can be done online between people who disagree. I think people who do this are just bored teenagers and anger middle-age people who just want to shouts and thinks it's funny.
> 
> 
> 
> That sucks



The anonymity/fact you can't see how the other person reacts doesn't help either. I've seen a lot of people behave in ways they wouldn't dare to behave if they were interacting with someone in person when there's a screen between them. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## HoldTheSea

> This forum has proven that calm and respectful discussions can be done online between people who disagree. I think people who do this are just bored teenagers and anger middle-age people who just want to shouts and thinks it's funny.



I think I'm going to stick around here and stay away from other forums... I've never had so many accusations thrown at me for voicing my opinions. It was really upsetting. I have been on various forums for the past several years, and I've dealt with my fair share of BS from others, but it's really unusual for someone to accuse me of being a troll or deliberately antagonizing people.
That's not the general vibe I get from this forum at all. It seems like people are very mature and respectful. I feel much more comfortable here.
Sorry for ranting about this, but it's a pet peeve of mine when people can't discuss things respectfully without flinging insults around.

----------


## HoldTheSea

> That sucks



Thanks dude  :Hug: 
I'm dreading Christmas too. To be completely honest I would rather that Christmas would just be my partner and I at home with our pets. Family = Drama.

----------


## Member11

My eye is swelling up  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

So, according to student finance: 

- Dad earns more than ?60000. Bollocks. Reckon he can negotiate a payrise based on what they say he earns? 
- Mum is earning more than ?0. Also bollocks. She doesn't work. 
- My sister is a) Not over the age of 18 (she is), b) Not in full time education (she is), and c) Not financially dependent on my parents (she is. How she'd not be I don't know, she doesn't even have a job which Student Finance's "checks on household income" should have flagged up.)

So because of all these things which are apparently true, but which in reality aren't, I'm apparently eligible for a lot less student finance. I don't have to pay the "overpayment" (which really isn't an overpayment) back, which is good because I'm not entirely sure how they'd expect me to magically come up with the difference, but I am going to get a lot less in my support payment come January. Which is fucking great. The amount I had in the first place wasn't really enough as it was. Going to appeal this, but given the speed that it takes this bloody company to do well, _anything_, I'm probably not going to get the full amount I'm entitled to for a while. 

Looks like I'm going to have to go and have an awkward conversation with my parents about "could you please lend me some money, student finance have screwed me over again by saying we're super rich."

Edit - Jerry, the Pound sign isn't working properly.

----------


## HoldTheSea

Today is not a good day  ::

----------


## Fallen18

I wonder if I can ever truly live happily...

----------


## Member11

> I wonder if I can ever truly live happily...



 :Hug:  What makes you think that?  ::(:

----------


## fetisha

> I wonder if I can ever truly live happily...



 :Hug:  you and me both :/

----------


## Fallen18

Side note, It's been forever since I used this site I totally forgot how to navigate around it lol





> What makes you think that?



Thanks for the hug and the response I appreciate it, but multiple factors...-right now I think it's more so the feeling of loneliness despite being around other people?






> you and me both :/



 :Hug:  I'm really sorry you feel the same way, I know it's not a fun feeling.

----------


## HoldTheSea

My puppy's breeder sent me an email... Because of weather we're expected to get here soon, she won't drive him up here until at least next Monday  ::(:

----------


## Rawr

Being ignored by people I really want to talk to.

----------


## fetisha

The past will not stop haunting me :/

----------


## HoldTheSea

> My puppy's breeder sent me an email... Because of weather we're expected to get here soon, she won't drive him up here until at least next Monday



A woman who I show dogs with did an amazing thing for us today. She was in the area and she stopped by to pick up Ghastly for us. He is home. I cannot thank her enough.
With everything that is going on with us right now I am beyond grateful for this kind gesture.
I will post pictures of Ghastly in the pet thread.

----------


## HoldTheSea

I was browsing on another forum and I saw that some guy had started a thread ranting about how unattractive American women are and he basically described exactly what I look like and called it "disgusting." I feel very crappy about myself right now.

----------


## lethargic nomad

> I was browsing on another forum and I saw that some guy had started a thread ranting about how unattractive American women are and he basically described exactly what I look like and called it "disgusting." I feel very crappy about myself right now.



That guy is full of crap.  Notice how he is evasive when other posters asked about his dating experience in Japan?  He probably hasn't even gotten laid there once.

----------


## Member11

> I was browsing on another forum and I saw that some guy had started a thread ranting about how unattractive American women are and he basically described exactly what I look like and called it "disgusting." I feel very crappy about myself right now.



Don't let that jerk get to you  :Hug:

----------


## fetisha

> I was browsing on another forum and I saw that some guy had started a thread ranting about how unattractive American women are and he basically described exactly what I look like and called it "disgusting." I feel very crappy about myself right now.



 :Hug:  People on the internet are cruel, American women are attractive. He might have had a bad experience or something. I am always hearing how black women and unattractive and how no one wants us online and from the other sas forum ( but not on here). It makes me want to stay single, I have passed up on a lot of guys cause of that

----------


## Otherside

Feeling pretty down and hopeless right now. Feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place. Everytime I've tried to sort this there's been an argument. Every warning I've given has been  called "paranoia". Now its not paranoia. I was correct all along. 

I've got four hours to get through before I can go home. Another hour stuck on public transport after that. Feel like crap. Just wanna go home and sob. I'm sick of this crap. I'm tired of feeling blamed and being the source of an outpouring of frustrations about this when this is not my fault. Heck I got told by my mother that she "regrets feeling this way but she can't wait till I'm gone" because of this. 

I'm half upset and half angry. Feels like there's very few solutions. None of them will end well. And I'm going to take the fucking blame for everything that goes wrong. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Member11

> Feeling pretty down and hopeless right now. Feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place. Everytime I've tried to sort this there's been an argument. Every warning I've given has been  called "paranoia". Now its not paranoia. I was correct all along. 
> 
> I've got four hours to get through before I can go home. Another hour stuck on public transport after that. Feel like crap. Just wanna go home and sob. I'm sick of this crap. I'm tired of feeling blamed and being the source of an outpouring of frustrations about this when this is not my fault. Heck I got told by my mother that she "regrets feeling this way but she can't wait till I'm gone" because of this. 
> 
> I'm half upset and half angry. Feels like there's very few solutions. None of them will end well. And I'm going to take the fucking blame for everything that goes wrong.



 ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> That guy is full of crap.  Notice how he is evasive when other posters asked about his dating experience in Japan?  He probably hasn't even gotten laid there once.







> Don't let that jerk get to you







> People on the internet are cruel, American women are attractive. He might have had a bad experience or something. I am always hearing how black women and unattractive and how no one wants us online and from the other sas forum ( but not on here). It makes me want to stay single, I have passed up on a lot of guys cause of that



Thanks for the kind words, guys  :Hug: 
Fetisha, I'm sorry guys have said things like that to you. I know plenty of men who think black women are beautiful. I think women of all races are beautiful. You will find someone who thinks you're attractive.

Lethargic Nomad, I did notice that he was being very evasive. What got to me was that he (and another user if I remember correctly) made a blanket statement categorizing all overweight women as physically unattractive.
It just saddens me that some men still think like this.

----------


## Antidote

I've neglected my teeth for far too long. I can tell I have a cavity or something (if I poke one of my teeth with my fingernail, there's a dip and I can feel tender pressure, like the nerve is close by). Scared to go to the dentist though.

----------


## fetisha

my my paranoia is so strong today that its making me cry. I hope these medication help. :/

----------


## Total Eclipse

I haven't had dairy in along time and my body stopped processing it right. Mistakenly had a protein bar with whey powder in it and my stomach hurts really badly and I keep throwing up.

----------


## Member11

I hate you too, antibiotics

----------


## fetisha

back hurts  ::(:

----------


## HoldTheSea

People are bullying my partner on Facebook. These are ADULTS doing this. Like 25 to 30 year olds ffs.
Bullying is never okay, but if you're still cyberbullying at the age of 29, then you need professional help.

----------


## Member11

I feel so ill  :: 





> People are bullying my partner on Facebook. These are ADULTS doing this. Like 25 to 30 year olds ffs.
> Bullying is never okay, but if you're still cyberbullying at the age of 29, then you need professional help.



That sucks  ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> I feel so ill 
> 
> 
> 
> That sucks



Thanks for the hug.  :Hug: 
It does suck. He's autistic... It breaks my heart that people treat him like that. I hate bullying. I especially hate when autistic people get bullied. They are the sweetest people and they don't deserve it.

I'm sorry you're feeling ill, Jerry. I hope you feel better soon.

----------


## Member11

> Thanks for the hug. 
> It does suck. He's autistic... It breaks my heart that people treat him like that. I hate bullying. I especially hate when autistic people get bullied. They are the sweetest people and they don't deserve it.



Bullies can be such jerks, can they be blocked?





> I'm sorry you're feeling ill, Jerry. I hope you feel better soon.



Thank you  :Hug:

----------


## lethargic nomad

> People are bullying my partner on Facebook. These are ADULTS doing this. Like 25 to 30 year olds ffs.
> Bullying is never okay, but if you're still cyberbullying at the age of 29, then you need professional help.




Are they his Facebook friends?  On his timeline?

----------


## Otherside

> People are bullying my partner on Facebook. These are ADULTS doing this. Like 25 to 30 year olds ffs.
> Bullying is never okay, but if you're still cyberbullying at the age of 29, then you need professional help.



That's pretty sucky. For some reason, we all seem to think that this rubbish ends when you leave High School, but nope. Adults can be arseholes too. 

As much as you both probably don't want to, keep the messages/comments, screenshot them. Report to Facebook. Block the perpetrators. If it keeps going on, you start considering the police and legal action.

All the best to you both  :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Bullies can be such jerks, can they be blocked?
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you



You're welcome  :Hug: 
I blocked every single one of them. I am not going to deal with this crap from people anymore. As I said, these are grown [BEEP] adults. Pathetic.





> Are they his Facebook friends?  On his timeline?



Yes. These were mutual Facebook friends that knew him through me. Mostly people we knew from college.





> That's pretty sucky. For some reason, we all seem to think that this rubbish ends when you leave High School, but nope. Adults can be arseholes too. 
> 
> As much as you both probably don't want to, keep the messages/comments, screenshot them. Report to Facebook. Block the perpetrators. If it keeps going on, you start considering the police and legal action.
> 
> All the best to you both



I blocked all the perpetrators. I did take screenshots. It shouldn't happen anymore because I blocked all the people who were involved or instigating. If it happens again, I absolutely will consider legal action.
Thank you  :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

.

----------


## Member11

I don't want to be around people anymore, just want to hide somewhere and be alone  ::'(:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> I don't want to be around people anymore, just want to hide somewhere and be alone



Me too, dude.  ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Member11

> Me too, dude.



 :Hug:

----------


## Antidote

I'm limited everywhere I post. I'm limited here and I'm limited on the other forum for fear of retaliation, and because you can never know who exactly is reading your posts. Even when I try to phrase things as delicately as possible someone from my past ends up getting hurt. And when they're hurt, they get mad. I wish I could find another place to post but there's really nowhere else that I feel like I have any business posting. I'm part of a few other forums but I haven't taken to them and they're really inactive.

----------


## Member11

Going though a very bad pain episode, I can't stop shaking  ::(:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> I'm limited everywhere I post. I'm limited here and I'm limited on the other forum for fear of retaliation, and because you can never know who exactly is reading your posts. Even when I try to phrase things as delicately as possible someone from my past ends up getting hurt. And when they're hurt, they get mad. I wish I could find another place to post but there's really nowhere else that I feel like I have any business posting. I'm part of a few other forums but I haven't taken to them and they're really inactive.



I hear you on this one. I used to be active on several other forums but most of them were shut down and I was banned from one (for arguing too aggressively) so I kind of feel like I have no place to go. I am limited on the other forum for the same reasons. I am limited in what I can say on any site because I don't want to be banned for retaliating when people attack me. I don't really feel like I have any business posting anywhere either.
I feel very welcome on AnxietySpace but I feel like this forum is not as active as others.





> Going though a very bad pain episode, I can't stop shaking



I'm sorry to hear that  ::(:  I'm here if you need someone to talk to  :Hug:

----------


## Member11

> ...but I feel like this forum is not as active as others.



With the site being young (only 4 years old) and because we don't allow trolls and puahate-type people on, the site can sometimes feel less active than most sites, but it is a place where you won't be attacked for being yourself  ::): 





> I'm sorry to hear that  I'm here if you need someone to talk to



Thank you  :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> With the site being young (only 4 years old) and because we don't allow trolls and puahate-type people on, the site can sometimes feel less active than most sites, but it is a place where you won't be attacked for being yourself 
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you



You're welcome  :Hug: 
And no worries, I wasn't complaining about the site being inactive. Trust me, I sincerely prefer Anxietyspace to the other forum. I am very glad that trolls and Puahate people are not allowed. It's very reassuring. Everyone I've met here is very nice  ::):

----------


## Member11

> Trust me, I sincerely prefer Anxietyspace to the other forum. I am very glad that trolls and Puahate people are not allowed. It's very reassuring. Everyone I've met here is very nice



That's good to hear  ::):

----------


## HoldTheSea

Maybe it's just my PTSD but I'm starting to feel kind of unwanted and unwelcome on here, like I did on SAS.
I feel like my problems are just a big annoying mess and I come across like I'm an immature lonely weirdo.
I am lonely, and looking for support and maybe friendship. Maybe it's naive to think that way at my age.

----------


## Member11

> Maybe it's just my PTSD but I'm starting to feel kind of unwanted and unwelcome on here, like I did on SAS.
> I feel like my problems are just a big annoying mess and I come across like I'm an immature lonely weirdo.
> I am lonely, and looking for support and maybe friendship. Maybe it's naive to think that way at my age.



It is just your PTSD, you are very much wanted and welcome on here!  ::):   :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> It is just your PTSD, you are very much wanted and welcome on here!



Thank you  ::):   :Hug:  I always find it hard to believe that I fit in or am wanted anywhere because of my PTSD  ::(:  It always makes me feel like an outsider.

----------


## Member11

> Thank you   I always find it hard to believe that I fit in or am wanted anywhere because of my PTSD  It always makes me feel like an outsider.



Just by you adding bacon to everything already makes you a friend of mine  ::):

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Just by you adding bacon to everything already makes you a friend of mine



Lol, same!  ::):

----------


## Antidote

Trying to eat healthy but I get such intense cravings when I'm mid cycle. Want donuts so bad right now.

----------


## Member11

> Trying to eat healthy but I get such intense cravings when I'm mid cycle. Want donuts so bad right now.



 :Hug:

----------


## Total Eclipse

[BEEP] today

----------


## fetisha

My grandma made a comment on my weight even though she is bigger than me I still find it annoying. I hope to lose more weight in the future and hope nothing gets in the way of that like it did in the past -____-

----------


## fetisha

> Trying to eat healthy but I get such intense cravings when I'm mid cycle. Want donuts so bad right now.



Oh god! I had the same problem when I was on mine last week  ::(:

----------


## Member11

> My grandma made a comment on my weight even though she is bigger than me I still find it annoying. I hope to lose more weight in the future and hope nothing gets in the way of that like it did in the past -____-



Don't let her get to you, and don't be hard on yourself, no matter what weight you are, it is not the end of the world. You are still the same awesome person you've always been  :Hug: 





> [BEEP] today



I bopa it  :bam:   :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

[BEEP] everything. I fucking hate my life.
*Internally screaming*

----------


## HoldTheSea

Everything that happened tonight is my fault and I can't live with knowing that. That's all I feel comfortable saying right now.

----------


## Member11

> [BEEP] everything. I fucking hate my life.
> *Internally screaming*







> Everything that happened tonight is my fault and I can't live with knowing that. That's all I feel comfortable saying right now.



You okay?  :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> You okay?



 :Hug: 
My partner was acting irrational and had an episode because of the stress from his job. I'm blaming myself.
I'm thinking about taking him to the ER but I'm afraid they'll section him.

----------


## Member11

> My partner was acting irrational and had an episode because of the stress from his job. I'm blaming myself.
> I'm thinking about taking him to the ER but I'm afraid they'll section him.



Don't blame yourself you did nothing wrong. By being supportive and encouraging you was doing what a partner should do. Just because things get stressful doesn't he can take it out on you  :Hug: 

Remember to keep yourself safe and look after yourself too

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Don't blame yourself you did nothing wrong. By being supportive and encouraging you was doing what a partner should do. Just because things get stressful doesn't he can take it out on you 
> 
> Remember to keep yourself safe and look after yourself too



Thank you Jerry  :Hug: 
He didn't take anything out on me. I'm not hurt. I'm more concerned that he's going to hurt himself than I am that he's going to harm anyone else.
The reason I'm blaming myself is because I'm the one who pushed him to apply for this job. I feel responsible for his stress.
I had a talk with him we played some video games and watched some funny videos together. He's pretty calm right now. If he has another outburst I will seriously consider taking him to the ER. He says he doesn't think he needs to go and he's going to keep himself safe. I trust him. For now I think the best thing for both of us to do is get some rest.
I am looking after myself too, thank you  ::):

----------


## Member11

> The reason I'm blaming myself is because I'm the one who pushed him to apply for this job. I feel responsible for his stress.



I do understand your reasoning, but it is unfair to put that level of responsibility on your shoulders, you're not a superhero.





> I am looking after myself too, thank you



That's good to hear  :Hug:

----------


## Member11

> Getting seated by the kitchen even when we had reservations.  At a nearly empty restaurant.  Next time, I will just turn around and walk right out the door.



That sucks!  ::(:  I would understand if the place was full, not when it is nearly empty. They were just being jerks.

----------


## HoldTheSea

> I do understand your reasoning, but it is unfair to put that level of responsibility on your shoulders, you're not a superhero.



That's true... I also didn't force him to get the job. I encouraged and pushed for it but he ultimately made up his own mind. I'm not one to force anything on him. I do feel partially responsible, but what you're saying makes sense because I'm not the one who physically applied for the job.
The thing that bothers me the most is that if I'd known how stressful it was going to be, I would have advised him not to go for it.






> That's good to hear



 :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

Just a thought... When I am browsing other forums I notice that there is usually some kind of main clique and those are the people who get the most support and recognition. Seems like everyone else and their problems kind of fall by the wayside.
I don't notice that happening on here, probably because it's such a small group of members. Although when I was looking through older posts from when this forum was more active, it seemed like there had been some kind of established social hierarchy.
This concept just... puzzles me. Why would a mental health forum be the kind of place where you would need a social hierarchy or a sense of popularity? It's a common theme on every other forum I've been on. There is always a clique and those are the people getting the most support. Makes no sense to me... Shouldn't everyone have an equal opportunity to get the support and friendship they're looking for? I'm just a little disheartened by seeing a place that's supposed to foster a sense of support and belonging turn into just another popularity contest.
No wonder I have a complex about never fitting in anywhere- it goes without saying, but I was never part of any of the cliques. I was always an outsider.
As I said before, I don't notice this kind of social dynamic on Anxietyspace, but every other site I've been to has had this problem.

----------


## fetisha

I hope this larger dose from my medication helps cause I feel like I'm going insane again :/

----------


## HoldTheSea

I notice that the chat on here is very dead. That's too bad. I could use some social interaction.
If anyone wants to chat, let me know.  ::):

----------


## Member11

I hate vomiting, it taste awful  ::

----------


## HoldTheSea

I don't feel very comfortable talking about it yet or disclosing what happened, but I lost my partner on Friday night.
I will be here if anyone needs me... I probably just won't be posting much.

----------


## Member11

> I don't feel very comfortable talking about it yet or disclosing what happened, but I lost my partner on Friday night.
> I will be here if anyone needs me... I probably just won't be posting much.



I'm so sorry to hear that  ::(:  When you wanna talk, I'm here  :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> I'm so sorry to hear that  When you wanna talk, I'm here



Thank you, Jerry  :Hug: 
I'm really devastated and it's still a fresh wound but I will talk to you when I'm ready. Thank you for being here for me.

----------


## Antidote

> I don't feel very comfortable talking about it yet or disclosing what happened, but I lost my partner on Friday night.
> I will be here if anyone needs me... I probably just won't be posting much.



Really sorry to hear that. Do you mind clarifying what you mean by lost without going into detail? I.e. is he safe and well, or not? If you can't clarify that's fine. I'm just a little concerned by the wording.  

 :Hug:

----------


## Antidote

Can the fun and games subforum be hidden? I went into settings but I can't find a way to hide it. It's clogging up my feed when I click on new posts, and makes it harder to find threads I want to reply to. 

Can it be added as one of the subforums in the 'censored content' section in settings?

----------


## Otherside

Dear University.

I have an exam on Thursday. Now yes, I appreciate that I was a complete cock and I shouldn't have left my notes on the :/G Drive, or trusted that I'd still be able to access the Cloud to get the lecture slides over the Christmas Holidays given previous experiences with accessing the cloud over the Holidays or that department you call Tech Support that puts even my internet providers "read off a script a screen" department to shame.

However, thanks for deciding that the middle of the Christmas Holidays is the perfect time to do a Password Reset. Now this would be great if I could reset the fucking thing from home. Like, hey, other logins I deal with. _But no._ I have actually have to trek all the way to a campus that I never actually go to even during term time, which is impossible due to the fact that it's a Bank Holiday today and everyone is still nursing a hangover from the New Years Celebrations.

So nope. Can't revise. Thanks a fucking lot. 

Yours sincerely, 

Otherside

(PS - I'm not an international student. Stop constantly emailling, calling and texting me to tell me that UK Border Force will rescind my Student Visa if I don't turn next Monday to register with you and to inform them that I am an actual student. How many times do I need to show you my passport?!)

----------


## Member11

> Can the fun and games subforum be hidden? I went into settings but I can't find a way to hide it. It's clogging up my feed when I click on new posts, and makes it harder to find threads I want to reply to. 
> 
> Can it be added as one of the subforums in the 'censored content' section in settings?



Added  ::): 





> ...



That sucks, they are being jerks  ::(:  In case you need it:

 :freehug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Really sorry to hear that. Do you mind clarifying what you mean by lost without going into detail? I.e. is he safe and well, or not? If you can't clarify that's fine. I'm just a little concerned by the wording.



 :Hug: 
We got in a very serious fight and he cut off all contact with me before he left and then he did something unthinkable. I'm still in shock and I feel completely responsible. I am still not ready to talk about details. To clarify, I will never see him in this world again. It's too painful to explain it in further detail than that. I hope you understand what I mean.

----------


## Member11

> We got in a very serious fight and he cut off all contact with me before he left and then he did something unthinkable. I'm still in shock and I feel completely responsible. I am still not ready to talk about details. To clarify, I will never see him in this world again. It's too painful to explain it in further detail than that. I hope you understand what I mean.



 :Hug:  You're not responsible for what happened, he is the one who is responsible for what he does to himself. You are just one person, to give your responsibly over the actions of another person is completely unfair, especially since you have no control over him and what he does.

----------


## HoldTheSea

> You're not responsible for what happened, he is the one who is responsible for what he does to himself. You are just one person, to give your responsibly over the actions of another person is completely unfair, especially since you have no control over him and what he does.



Thank you, Jerry. I really needed to hear that.  :Hug: 
I know he wanted me to think it was my fault. I need to remind myself that it wasn't. It was ultimately his choice. The feelings of guilt and "I could have done something" and "This is my fault" will diminish in time. I'm just feeling very sad right now.

----------


## Member11

> Thank you, Jerry. I really needed to hear that. 
> I know he wanted me to think it was my fault. I need to remind myself that it wasn't. It was ultimately his choice. The feelings of guilt and "I could have done something" and "This is my fault" will diminish in time. I'm just feeling very sad right now.



Feeling upset is completely understandable  :Hug:  Just remember that none of it was your fault and there is nothing you could have done, he made that choice and only he is responsible for that choice.

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Feeling upset is completely understandable  Just remember that none of it was your fault and there is nothing you could have done, he made that choice and only he is responsible for that choice.



 :Hug:

----------


## Antidote

> We got in a very serious fight and he cut off all contact with me before he left and then he did something unthinkable. I'm still in shock and I feel completely responsible. I am still not ready to talk about details. To clarify, I will never see him in this world again. It's too painful to explain it in further detail than that. I hope you understand what I mean.



Yes I think I do. This is very saddening and shocking. I am so sorry. I'm going to reiterate what Jerry said; it's not you're fault. I hope you're able to remember that. (hugs)

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Yes I think I do. This is very saddening and shocking. I am so sorry. I'm going to reiterate what Jerry said; it's not you're fault. I hope you're able to remember that. (hugs)



Thank you. I'm trying to remember that it's not my fault. It is very saddening and it was a huge shock to me as well.

----------


## Otherside

Company called arriva decided that they just weren't going to run a bus service. That I needed to use to get home. Staff are absolutely fabulous. "oh I don't know anything I'm off shift and going home I don't care no I don't care if our [BEEP] up leaves you all stranded or if it costs you ?50 to get a minicab. A refund? You must be joking?!"

Wouldn't mind so much if it wasn't a stupid time at night they did this. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Otherside

> Thank you. I'm trying to remember that it's not my fault. It is very saddening and it was a huge shock to me as well.



Hugs. Only just saw this. I'm so sorry. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Hugs. Only just saw this. I'm so sorry. 
> 
> Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk



Thank you Otherside. Hugs to you too.

----------


## HoldTheSea

The thing that's on my mind the most right now is that I have a dog show this weekend and it's one of two this month on the road to Westminster (the biggest dog show in the country, coming up in February) and people are counting on me and I still have to go. Without him. My dogs don't even know where he is or why he's never coming back. How do you explain that to a dog? They don't understand that concept. Remember the story of Hachiko? The dog who waited for years at the train station for his dead owner? Dogs can't fathom the concept of their people being gone from their lives forever.
I'm a mess. Yet I still need to carry on with my life and career because there are people counting on me.
I'm so lonely but I would never look for another relationship because that would be a betrayal. I will never stop grieving for this one anyway.
Sorry for being so horribly depressing... I feel so lost and alone and for some reason I feel old too. Life has kicked me hard in the [BEEP] these past few days.

----------


## Member11

> The thing that's on my mind the most right now is that I have a dog show this weekend and it's one of two this month on the road to Westminster (the biggest dog show in the country, coming up in February) and people are counting on me and I still have to go. Without him. My dogs don't even know where he is or why he's never coming back. How do you explain that to a dog? They don't understand that concept. Remember the story of Hachiko? The dog who waited for years at the train station for his dead owner? Dogs can't fathom the concept of their people being gone from their lives forever.
> I'm a mess. Yet I still need to carry on with my life and career because there are people counting on me.
> I'm so lonely but I would never look for another relationship because that would be a betrayal. I will never stop grieving for this one anyway.
> Sorry for being so horribly depressing... I feel so lost and alone and for some reason I feel old too. Life has kicked me hard in the [BEEP] these past few days.



 :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> 



 :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

All my dreams are about him, but they're happy dreams, and I keep waking up expecting him to be sleeping next to me.  ::(: 
[BEEP] my life.

----------


## Member11

> All my dreams are about him, but they're happy dreams, and I keep waking up expecting him to be sleeping next to me. 
> [BEEP] my life.



 :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> 



 :Hug:

----------


## Member11

> 



How are you holding up?  :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> How are you holding up?



Thank your for asking, Jerry. I appreciate it  :Hug: 
The pain doesn't get any less with time but I am managing to forgive myself and realize that it wasn't my fault. I will miss him every day for the rest of my life. There's not a second that goes by where I'm not thinking of him.
It's hard to get used to sleeping alone and being the only person in the house. The dogs are all I have at this point but they keep me going.
I received a lot of nice flowers and plants at the service. Maybe gardening will help me relax a little.

----------


## HoldTheSea

His family has placed full blame on me for what happened and I have been receiving disgusting messages. I have since deactivated my Facebook account and will be changing my phone number and email address.
Anyone who thinks I intentionally drove him to that point is a despicable excuse for a human and will be cut out of my life forever. I loved that man more than it's humanly possible to love anyone. Anyone who says otherwise can meet me in the pit with Satan.

----------


## Member11

> His family has placed full blame on me for what happened and I have been receiving disgusting messages. I have since deactivated my Facebook account and will be changing my phone number and email address.
> Anyone who thinks I intentionally drove him to that point is a despicable excuse for a human and will be cut out of my life forever. I loved that man more than it's humanly possible to love anyone. Anyone who says otherwise can meet me in the pit with Satan.



They are really showing their true colours there. What he chose to do was done to hurt you and the fact that they ignored that bit and instead blamed you for what happened is unbelievable and you are right, only despicable human beings would think that.

----------


## HoldTheSea

> They are really showing their true colours there. What he chose to do was done to hurt you and the fact that they ignored that bit and instead blamed you for what happened is unbelievable and you are right, only despicable human beings would think that.



Agreed 100%. They have been cut from my life and good fucking riddance.

----------


## HoldTheSea

Nothing hurts more than knowing that there are people who would be very happy if I were to die.
The thought of what might happen to my dogs if I weren't around anymore is what's keeping me going. I could never let anything happen to my dogs.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Nothing hurts more than knowing that there are people who would be very happy if I were to die.
> The thought of what might happen to my dogs if I weren't around anymore is what's keeping me going. I could never let anything happen to my dogs.



I know it's just a stupid e-hug but, here it is...((HUGS))
I can't imagine what you're going through, but wishing you all the best regardless.

----------


## HoldTheSea

> I know it's just a stupid e-hug but, here it is...((HUGS))
> I can't imagine what you're going through, but wishing you all the best regardless.



Not just a stupid e-hug... Hugs matter. You matter. Thank you. ((HUGS))

----------


## Member11

> Nothing hurts more than knowing that there are people who would be very happy if I were to die.
> The thought of what might happen to my dogs if I weren't around anymore is what's keeping me going. I could never let anything happen to my dogs.



They are jerks, don't give what they say a second thought  :Hug:  It doesn't matter what they think, nothing can change the simple fact that the world would be a much more horrible place without your kindness and love. And if you even think about going anywhere I will keep giving you these  :bopa:  until that thought goes away.

----------


## HoldTheSea

> They are jerks, don't give what they say a second thought  It doesn't matter what they think, nothing can change the simple fact that the world would be a much more horrible place without your kindness and love. And if you even think about going anywhere I will keep giving you these  until that thought goes away.



Thank you, Jerry  :Hug: 
I really appreciate your kind words. Don't worry, I am not going anywhere. I'm too strong-willed to give in to what other people want. At the end of the day, I know I am a good person and if I have hurt anyone in the past it was not intentional. I know firsthand what a devastating impact suicide has on people and I would never want to do that to anyone.

----------


## HoldTheSea

I'm incredibly lonely. My family does not live nearby and I don't have any close friends. I'm alone in my house.
I was just thinking about my partner and how much I miss him and now I can't stop crying. I hate sleeping alone. I hate living alone.
Part of me wants to be angry at him for what he did but at the same time I understand the hell he was going through and why he didn't want to do it anymore. I feel the same way sometimes.
Maybe if he had a different job, it wouldn't have happened. Maybe if we didn't fight, it wouldn't have happened. But who's to say.
All I know is that I miss him terribly and I'm trying desperately to pick up the pieces, but I'm finding myself feeling very lost.

----------


## Member11

Having a very, very, very bad pain day  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

People who get pissed off at ne because I don't immediately text them back because im driving, and then behave self righteous about it. 

Like no, you really don't have a leg to stand on here. In case the recent news flew straight over your head, it is illegal to do so and the penalty for being caught has been increased. Not to mention it's dangerous to text and drive and there's been a bunch of people killed because someobe decided to do that. 

So no. Not texting you when I'm driving. Get over yourself, you can wait. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

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## HoldTheSea

> Having a very, very, very bad pain day



I'm very sorry to hear that  ::(: 
I'm here if you would like someone to talk to, to take your mind off of it  :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> People who get pissed off at ne because I don't immediately text them back because im driving, and then behave self righteous about it. 
> 
> Like no, you really don't have a leg to stand on here. In case the recent news flew straight over your head, it is illegal to do so and the penalty for being caught has been increased. Not to mention it's dangerous to text and drive and there's been a bunch of people killed because someobe decided to do that. 
> 
> So no. Not texting you when I'm driving. Get over yourself, you can wait.



I feel your pain... I hate when people text me when I'm in the middle of something and then get angry when I don't respond! 
You could just put your phone on "do not disturb" while you're driving, that always works for me.

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## Member11

> People who get pissed off at ne because I don't immediately text them back...



So, why don't you text me back already????? jk  :Tongue: 





> I'm very sorry to hear that 
> I'm here if you would like someone to talk to, to take your mind off of it



Thank you  :Hug:

----------


## Otherside

So gotta make a ticketing system that sells for a performing arts centre. A group of us are doing this. Two people in the group have not been pulling there weight. I'm having to do.some.of.the tasks they said they would. They are expecting credit.for this. 

Now they're pissed that I've/others a) have done the tasks they've done b) that we haven't given them tasks to do to complete this project because there's no guarantee that they'll do it. 

Just recieved a.lovely message on Facebook from one of them (we all did). I have no idea what right they believe they have in being angry given that they've been.walking out of meetings, not turning up and not dping the work! 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

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## HoldTheSea

> Thank you



You're welcome  :Hug:  Feel free to send me a message anytime!

----------


## HoldTheSea

Vet appointment for Jara today... she is pretty old and needs a routine checkup because we lost her brother last year around the same age due to a stroke. I just want to make sure she is healthy.
I'm sure she is fine but I'm still anxious because at this point in time I would not be able to cope with losing a dog. I have had Jara since I was a teenager.
Dogs of her specific breed (Border Collie) can live up to 16 or 17 years (much longer than Shepherds... the average for Shepherds is 10+) and she is a relatively active dog and is fed a mainly raw diet. She's in very good shape and enjoys exercise, and still likes to work.
I'm doubtful that I actually have anything to worry about but vet appointments make me very anxious.

----------


## Otherside

Why is it that stuff always seems bad late at night when you just want to sleep? And you're just all along, lying in the darkness. Lost count of the number of times I've gone to sleep like this. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

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## HoldTheSea

> Why is it that stuff always seems bad late at night when you just want to sleep? And you're just all along, lying in the darkness. Lost count of the number of times I've gone to sleep like this.



I'm sorry to hear that  :Hug:  I know the feeling all too well.

----------


## HoldTheSea

Just had someone I've never seen before come to my door and look in my windows. My dogs were showing very aggressive behaviors in reaction to it so I trusted their instinct. I didn't open the door. I think the person may have seen that I was home.
I feel like I should call the police... I don't have any idea who the person was but I'm very suspicious of their motives.
I don't know why you would come up to a property that literally has "beware of dog" and "no trespassing" signs everywhere and look in the windows. Especially in broad daylight...?
Person was startled by my dogs barking and didn't stick around. I wonder if they were attempting to break in.
If there were to be a home invasion or a robbery here, my dogs would actually attack. They don't [BEEP] around with stuff like that.
I'm very shaken up by this. I don't like strangers on my property and I'm wondering what this person was doing here.

----------


## Member11

My computer is refusing to turn back on... fml 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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## Antidote

Bunged up my neck, my back and my shoulder. 
Also... I'm so so tired.

----------


## HoldTheSea

A lot of negative emotions were stirred up today. Including flashbacks. I coped with it by getting drunk.

----------


## Member11

> Vacation is ending, blah.



Did you have fun though?  ::):

----------


## Member11

> I think I made the most of it.  Maybe could've squeezed in more gym time, lol.



The gym doesn't need any time  :Tongue:

----------


## HoldTheSea

Everything my friends have told me about my partner makes me angry and sick. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel now.
I believe everything my friends said. He was a real jerk.
But I did love him, even though I don't know if I can forgive him for what he put me, my friends and family through.
I'm so conflicted. I never got the chance to say goodbye or tell him I loved him one last time. But now I want to say good fucking riddance and I hate you. He was abusive. He ruined several years of my life.
How could I have fallen in love with someone like that? We almost got married. What the fuck.

----------


## Otherside

> Got a strange text from an unrecognized number.  But this person knew my name and used the sly emoticon.  I asked who this person was and got no response. Something didn't sit right with me, so I did a reverse search on the number and it's some guy I never heard of.  How did he get my number and wtf does he want?  I blocked the number but now I'm thinking maybe it's time to change my number.



Try searching on Facebook? See if you have any mutual friends. I've seen something like this happen before and it was because a friend had given the number out to someone. It was a joke. Supposedly. 

Wasn't very funny to the reciever, but these things happen. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## HoldTheSea

Feeling really shitty again tonight. Sometimes I honestly feel like there's no point. Sometimes it's really unclear to me why I exist.
I'm dealing with all these feelings of sadness, anger, hatred, depression, and anxiety. Not to mention isolation. Frankly it's confusing and overwhelming.
This is no way to live. I'm fucking miserable.
I just want to drink myself into oblivion and pass out for the next two days. [BEEP] this shit.

----------


## Antidote

Laptop is on its last legs. The power cord only works intermittently, and it seems that the plug is damaged inside the laptop. I have to ram it in to get it to charge, and that's probably only further damaging it. I've had this laptop since September 2013, I was hoping it'd last longer. On the other hand it doesn't really suit my needs anymore, mainly because I need a much better screen now.

----------


## HoldTheSea

I'm just stuck in a downward spiral right now. I'm having thoughts about hurting myself again.

I don't even know why I bother opening up to people about what I'm dealing with because it just pushes everyone away. No one wants to deal with someone like me. People get scared off.
No one wants to sleep next to someone who wakes up having flashbacks. No one wants to be seen in public with someone with a service dog. No one wants to hear about all the bad things that have happened to someone and why that person can't get over them. No one wants to hear someone rehash the past a million times a day.

I hate myself for having PTSD. I hate what it does to me. Most people stay away because they can tell something isn't right. But some people initially give me a chance and then once they get to know me they leave.
Sometimes I really don't think there's a point. Like what is the purpose of even having someone like me around? I just make people uncomfortable.
I don't necessarily feel suicidal but sometimes I wish I could just cease to exist.

----------


## lethargic nomad

> Laptop is on its last legs. The power cord only works intermittently, and it seems that the plug is damaged inside the laptop. I have to ram it in to get it to charge, and that's probably only further damaging it. I've had this laptop since September 2013, I was hoping it'd last longer. On the other hand it doesn't really suit my needs anymore, mainly because I need a much better screen now.




What brand/model is it?

----------


## Member11

I don't know what's happening to me, I feel so sick to the point I want to vomit, I keep passing out and my pain is so bad atm  ::(:

----------


## Member11

> I'm just stuck in a downward spiral right now. I'm having thoughts about hurting myself again.
> 
> I don't even know why I bother opening up to people about what I'm dealing with because it just pushes everyone away. No one wants to deal with someone like me. People get scared off.
> No one wants to sleep next to someone who wakes up having flashbacks. No one wants to be seen in public with someone with a service dog. No one wants to hear about all the bad things that have happened to someone and why that person can't get over them. No one wants to hear someone rehash the past a million times a day.
> 
> I hate myself for having PTSD. I hate what it does to me. Most people stay away because they can tell something isn't right. But some people initially give me a chance and then once they get to know me they leave.
> Sometimes I really don't think there's a point. Like what is the purpose of even having someone like me around? I just make people uncomfortable.
> I don't necessarily feel suicidal but sometimes I wish I could just cease to exist.



Don't think that of yourself! You are a sweet and loving person, don't let anyone tell you otherwise!  :Hug:

----------


## Antidote

> What brand/model is it?



It's an HP Envy touchsmart sleekbook 4. It's been heavily used and has overheated multiple times in Summer. Laptops never have an easy life with me.

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Don't think that of yourself! You are a sweet and loving person, don't let anyone tell you otherwise!



 :Hug: 
I was just having a shitty night. Sometimes I have weird thoughts and they really get to me.

----------


## HoldTheSea

> I don't know what's happening to me, I feel so sick to the point I want to vomit, I keep passing out and my pain is so bad atm



 ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Member11

> It's an HP Envy touchsmart sleekbook 4. It's been heavily used and has overheated multiple times in Summer. Laptops never have an easy life with me.



My Macbook Pro from 2011 went through the same heavy use, it died last week, it kept shutting off during boot. It was sad to see it go  ::(: 





> 



 :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

Just found out another few pieces of horrible information and I'm raging now. This is making me so furious. God forbid someone like him ever comes into my life again.

----------


## Total Eclipse

My head pounds. But, I feel I always complain about that.

----------


## Member11

Tomorrow, I have to go in to hospital for at least 5 hours for pre-surgery stuff, bleh  ::(:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Tomorrow, I have to go in to hospital for at least 5 hours for pre-surgery stuff, bleh



Oh no!  ::(:  Don't worry, I'm here for you  :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

I fucked up again.

----------


## Member11

> Oh no!  Don't worry, I'm here for you







> Oh no, that sounds serious.



Thank you  :Hug:  It isn't anything bad, my doctors just want to search for what is causing my pain.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I fucked up again.



What's wrong?  ::(:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> What's wrong?



I'm just being hard on myself again. I think I'll be okay.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I'm just being hard on myself again. I think I'll be okay.



Breathe! It will be okay!

----------


## HoldTheSea

I'm sleep deprived and I feel like I'm going insane  ::\:

----------


## HoldTheSea

I find it really unsettling when my dogs all start howling at once.  ::\:

----------


## Antidote

My new glasses are giving me eyestrain. I think they fcked something up. Either the astigmatism axis or the pupillary distance.

Also I don't get why my anxiety fluctuates so much for no reason. I'll wake up in the morning and immediately know its going to be an anxiety day.

----------


## 1

Never picked up good study habits so studying can be a bit annoying at times..

----------


## HoldTheSea

I slept for 14 hours and woke up at 3 PM. I feel much better but that was a waste of a day. 
Also, my dreams are really fucked, and they're extremely vivid.

----------


## Total Eclipse

Today was a struggle. I'm hoping for a better night.

----------


## Koalafan

:Hug:

----------


## Koalafan

> Today was a struggle. I'm hoping for a better night.



 :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Today was a struggle. I'm hoping for a better night.



 :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

I was cleaning my house and I was looking through stuff on my desk, and I found a letter from my partner... I don't even know how to explain the feelings I'm having right now. I'm just going to spend the rest of the night crying.
What the fuck.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I was cleaning my house and I was looking through stuff on my desk, and I found a letter from my partner... I don't even know how to explain the feelings I'm having right now. I'm just going to spend the rest of the night crying.
> What the fuck.



I'm so sorry that your still finding things from him.  ::(:

----------


## Koalafan

> I was cleaning my house and I was looking through stuff on my desk, and I found a letter from my partner... I don't even know how to explain the feelings I'm having right now. I'm just going to spend the rest of the night crying.
> What the fuck.



Sending some hugs your way!  :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> I'm so sorry that your still finding things from him.







> Sending some hugs your way!



Thanks guys  :Hug:

----------


## Total Eclipse

My self esteem the past couple of days have sunk so badly and I feel so worthless. I could not do the list of things I needed to do this week. I wasn't good enough..... and I can barely get myself to get out of bed from the anxiousness of possibly failing. I know I need to change, and that things will be alright in the end. But right now, in this moment, I'm in a pit that keeps swirling, and feels impossible to get out. The darkness just grows.

----------


## HoldTheSea

> My self esteem the past couple of days have sunk so badly and I feel so worthless. I could not do the list of things I needed to do this week. I wasn't good enough..... and I can barely get myself to get out of bed from the anxiousness of possibly failing. I know I need to change, and that things will be alright in the end. But right now, in this moment, I'm in a pit that keeps swirling, and feels impossible to get out. The darkness just grows.



I'm here if you need someone to talk to, you can send me a PM anytime  :Hug:  I've been in the same situation.

----------


## HoldTheSea

I have completely failed at being an adult today  ::(: 
I have a huge pile of bills on my desk, and I didn't want to cook so I made lunch in the microwave and it came out disgusting, so I haven't even really eaten. I didn't even want to cook dinner so I ordered pizza again :/

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I have completely failed at being an adult today 
> I have a huge pile of bills on my desk, and I didn't want to cook so I made lunch in the microwave and it came out disgusting, so I haven't even really eaten. I didn't even want to cook dinner so I ordered pizza again :/



Awe,  ::(:  What kind of pizza did you have?

----------


## Member11

Painful  ::(:

----------


## Member11

> Did the doctors get any closer to finding the cause?



Not yet, I had surgery today to try to find a cause, but still nothing yet  ::(:

----------


## Koalafan

Oh boy did I bomb that interview  ::(:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Awe,  What kind of pizza did you have?



Bacon. I always get bacon pizza  :Tongue:  There's an awesome pizza place in town that fortunately delivers to my area.





> Painful



Awww  ::(:   :Hug:  Thinking of you.





> Oh boy did I bomb that interview



Oh no!  ::(:  I'm here if you need to talk  :Hug:  I'm so sorry, don't be too hard on yourself!

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Oh boy did I bomb that interview



I'm sorry.  :Hug: 





> Bacon. I always get bacon pizza  There's an awesome pizza place in town that fortunately delivers to my area.



What about switching it up and getting something like Chinese food?

----------


## HoldTheSea

> What about switching it up and getting something like Chinese food?



That's an awesome idea, I love Chinese food too  ::):

----------


## Koalafan

> Bacon. I always get bacon pizza  There's an awesome pizza place in town that fortunately delivers to my area.
> 
> 
> Awww   Thinking of you.
> 
> 
> Oh no!  I'm here if you need to talk  I'm so sorry, don't be too hard on yourself!







> I'm sorry. 
> 
> 
> 
> What about switching it up and getting something like Chinese food?



Aww thanks guys!!  :Celebrate:   :Hug:  I'll definitely try and not be too hard. I can definitely beat myself up about these things. And yes Chinese food is absolutely delicious!  ::D:

----------


## HoldTheSea

My sleep schedule is so messed up  ::(:  I fell asleep at 8 PM and woke up at 4 AM this time, wtf...
And my dreams are still _extremely_ weird.

----------


## HoldTheSea

I think I need a new medication.
I haven't had nightmares like this in years. These are like super vivid trauma dreams. There's also an element to them that's trippy and otherworldly and kind of resembles being high.
I wake up super confused and disoriented and recalling oddly specific memories from different points in the past year or so, usually related to whatever time it is when I wake up.
I have no idea what's going on with me and I think I need professional help.

----------


## Koalafan

> I think I need a new medication.
> I haven't had nightmares like this in years. These are like super vivid trauma dreams. There's also an element to them that's trippy and otherworldly and kind of resembles being high.
> I wake up super confused and disoriented and recalling oddly specific memories from different points in the past year or so, usually related to whatever time it is when I wake up.
> I have no idea what's going on with me and I think I need professional help.



I'm so sorry you have to go through all of that!  :Hug:  My dreams also tend to be super messed up and really life-like. It makes going to sleep pretty nerve-wracking since I don't know how messed up my dreams might be :/. Sending some hugs!  :Hug:   :koala:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> I'm so sorry you have to go through all of that!  My dreams also tend to be super messed up and really life-like. It makes going to sleep pretty nerve-wracking since I don't know how messed up my dreams might be :/. Sending some hugs!



Thanks Koala, I'm sorry you have to go through that too  ::(: 
Sending you hugs as well!  :Hug:   :koala:

----------


## Member11

That had to be the worst pain episode I ever had  ::(:

----------


## Member11

> That had to be the worst pain episode I ever had



It continues  ::(:

----------


## Antidote

Cystic acne...

----------


## HoldTheSea

> That had to be the worst pain episode I ever had



 ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

I'm triggered and pissed off. I let myself think too much and I overanalyzed a lot of things.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I'm triggered and pissed off. I let myself think too much and I overanalyzed a lot of things.



Message me if you want to talk about it xx  :Hug:

----------


## PinkButterfly

that people do not believe me when I talk about my health physical and mental and then go behind my back and talk about me like I am lying so I really do get upset and hurt because I do find out and wonder why they are horrible like that and why.. are they bored?  I don't get it. I am doing my best to get me better and help others not judge them or slam them I have a giving heart and soul never ask for anything in return just kindness.

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Message me if you want to talk about it xx



 :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

I feel like I'm going completely insane and I'm debating whether or not I should just check myself in to the hospital. My head doesn't feel right.
I literally feel like I'm living inside of a nightmare and I can't get out. As much as I may try to downplay everything and tell myself it can't have been as bad as I think, I have confirmation from plenty of other people whose opinions I trust that it really was that bad.
The thing I can't stop thinking about right now is the time at our old apartment where he locked himself in the bedroom and I heard him screaming followed by maniacal laughter.
I also found a really disturbing video on his computer, of him unsheathing a Bowie knife and laughing.
I don't know how to process any of this information, it's literally making me sick in the head. I want to die.

----------


## Koalafan

> I feel like I'm going completely insane and I'm debating whether or not I should just check myself in to the hospital. My head doesn't feel right.
> I literally feel like I'm living inside of a nightmare and I can't get out. As much as I may try to downplay everything and tell myself it can't have been as bad as I think, I have confirmation from plenty of other people whose opinions I trust that it really was that bad.
> The thing I can't stop thinking about right now is the time at our old apartment where he locked himself in the bedroom and I heard him screaming followed by maniacal laughter.
> I also found a really disturbing video on his computer, of him unsheathing a Bowie knife and laughing.
> I don't know how to process any of this information, it's literally making me sick in the head. I want to die.



 :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I feel like I'm going completely insane and I'm debating whether or not I should just check myself in to the hospital. My head doesn't feel right.
> I literally feel like I'm living inside of a nightmare and I can't get out. As much as I may try to downplay everything and tell myself it can't have been as bad as I think, I have confirmation from plenty of other people whose opinions I trust that it really was that bad.
> The thing I can't stop thinking about right now is the time at our old apartment where he locked himself in the bedroom and I heard him screaming followed by maniacal laughter.
> I also found a really disturbing video on his computer, of him unsheathing a Bowie knife and laughing.
> I don't know how to process any of this information, it's literally making me sick in the head. I want to die.



 ::(:  Please do everything you need to do to stay safe. We care about you here  ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Koalafan

Note to self, for the love of god don't drink coffee again  :bopa:

----------


## Member11

> Note to self, for the love of god don't drink coffee again



 :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> 







> Please do everything you need to do to stay safe. We care about you here



Thanks, guys  :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

Was just at the farm supply store buying food for my dogs and overheard some locals talking about something that freaked me out. Apparently there are a lot of people in my area who are reporting sightings of shapeshifters and werewolf type creatures. I try not to believe in that [BEEP] tbh but it sounds like these people genuinely believe what they saw. Obviously I'm skeptical but I do find it really creepy. It's easy to let your imagination run wild when you live alone in the middle of the woods. I'm trying to tell myself that there's no such thing and these people are full of shit, but I'm not really sure how to rationally explain multiple people seeing the same thing.

----------


## PinkButterfly

Nope not right now Thank God but give me some time lol but my therapist is really helping me!! so if you don't have a therapist or a really good friend to talk to then try and find one and I have some really great friends now. I am blessed I pray to stay that way and beat down my demons and my health issues.

----------


## Pinky

I messed up a really good friendship because of my anxiety issues. I (platonically) love this person so much, but I slipped up and now I feel like our friendship will never be the same.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I messed up a really good friendship because of my anxiety issues. I (platonically) love this person so much, but I slipped up and now I feel like our friendship will never be the same.



What happened?  :Hug:

----------


## Koalafan

I hate myself  ::(:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> I hate myself



 ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I hate myself



Koala  ::(:  Bopa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Noooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  ::(:

----------


## Koalafan

> 



Hugs are definitely appreciated!!  :Hug: 




> Koala  Bopa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Noooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



A bopa might be needed! Maybe that depression will go away!!

----------


## Member11

> A bopa might be needed! Maybe that depression will go away!!



I bopa it  :bopa:   :Hug: 





> Work. There's always something.  I think I'd be blissfully unaware of a lot of things if I didn't have to work.



 :Hug:

----------


## Koalafan

> I bopa it



It needs a bop!  :bopa:

----------


## Koalafan

Well, had pizza last night, got sick, and then had a panic attack. I've definitely had better nights

----------


## Member11

> Well, had pizza last night, got sick, and then had a panic attack. I've definitely had better nights



 :Hug:  Why did the pizza make you sick?  ::(:

----------


## Member11

Painful  ::(:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Well, had pizza last night, got sick, and then had a panic attack. I've definitely had better nights







> Painful



 :Hug:  Hugs to both of you  ::(:

----------


## Koalafan

> Why did the pizza make you sick?



I don't think it was cooked right  ::(:  my stomach is always pretty dicey with pizza but this time it made me especially sick >_<





> Hugs to both of you



Thank you!!  :Hug:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Well, had pizza last night, got sick, and then had a panic attack. I've definitely had better nights



Aren't you lactose intolerant? The pizza crust could of made you sick  ::(:  hugs

----------


## Koalafan

> Aren't you lactose intolerant? The pizza crust could of made you sick  hugs



I am! However, I always take my lactaid pills before eating dairy. I think the pizza just wasn't cooked very well  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

Don't want to write the entire thing out again, I've written this out to a lot of people so I'll just copy/paste the complaint email I sent to uni. I had to go to an assessment today with a company called ATOS in regards to Personal Indepence Payments - which are a benefits payment here made if you're disabled. 





> The reason that I am contacting you is in regards to an incident that happened today. I had to attend an assessment with regards to receiving Personal Independence Payment today, and due to anxiety about attending this assessment, my mentor - redacted - offered to attend with me, and offered to give her view on how my condition had affected me within the last few weeks, as it has begun to get worse. She also asked if her attendance could be regarded as a mentoring session so she could be paid. I agreed to this, due to the fact that I appreciated her support during the assessment. I was told that I could do this. 
> 
> I attended the assessment today accompanied by my Father, who had driven me over to the assessment centre and who - due to my anxiety - had also agreed to attend with me. My mentor had already arrived, and was not pleased to see that I had not arrived alone. She asked if my Father intended to sit in with me during the assessment, and I confirmed that he did. At this point she declared that "I had not told her that someone else would be attending" and made for the exit. She did not attend the assessment with me. 
> 
> Despite the fact that I find her behavior extremely unprofessional, it caused me considerable distress, anxiety and embarrassment in a situation that was difficult enough for me as it was. I am also certain that I did inform her that my parents had offered to come with me to the assessment, although I do not understand why this made any difference in the circumstances, or why my Fathers attendance caused her to behave in the way that she did. No explanation was given from her as to why she felt she could not attend if another person attended with me. 
> 
> I feel extremely let down by this incident, and unless there is an extremely good reason for the behavior today, I feel that I cannot continue receiving mentoring services with redacted. I have a mentoring session on Wednesday, but due to the incident today, I feel a complete lack of trust and currently feel as though it is not worth attending.



I feel like utter crap, and after discussing the email with uni on the phone, it turns out that the mentor is contracted out to a private company. Uni have told the company that the session on Wednesday in canceled. I have to wait for a phone call on Thursday to discuss this with the head of the team who'll back me up in dealing with this. 

And now my partners deciding to harang me about why I'm not visiting him today. Fucking great.

----------


## Member11

> ...



I'm sorry you have to go through that  :Hug:  They all need a  :bopa:

----------


## Otherside

> I'm sorry you have to go through that  They all need a



Yup, basically.

I'm half expecting to recieve an email tonight requesting I authorize payment for her attending for that "mentoring session" that I apparently had.

----------


## SmileyFace

This horrible headache I've had since right before I left work for the day.

----------


## Otherside

I don't whether to feel angry, hurt, let down, confused, or what. 

Person who fucked up yesterday at my PIP assessment contacted me today and said I had and meeting with her at six. I was like, okay, wtf. Usually it's five, you know I'm done at five. I'm not sticking around for an hour wth nothing to do. Besides, what makes you think I want to continue receiving support with you after what happened on Monday? And maybe I'm reading into this, but somethings off. I never get texts reminding me of my meetings. And I'm pretty sure I cancelled this meeting. 

So I say that I cancelled the meetings, and apologize if the message did not get to her. I also say I don't want anymore. Doesn't ask why, but goes on to say "appreciated letting her know monday" (letting her know what exactly? That my father was coming to the meeting. _I did,_ and that doesn't excuse how she behaved at all as a professional, nor do I need to seek permission for my father to come), says she was "happy to support me" (somehow I did not get that impression from the way she stormed out of the waiting room and refused to attend the assesment, but might just be me, of course), and then has the cheek to say that I should have sent her a text to apologize for the inconvenience! (The [BEEP]?!). I showed that to Dad, and he just shook his head in disbelief. Not even worth a reply. 

I later get a message saying "she may have dealt with the situation better by not walking out the building in frustration." Well no [BEEP] Sherlock, although I'm not entirely sure what the "situation" was because as far as I was aware, there wasn't even one in the first place, and I saw no reason for her not to attend. And no, she hasn't explained to me what the "situation" is exactly. Not going to reply to that either. 

I'm not sure what I have to apologize for, or what I apparently did wrong. And far as inconvenience goes, I could have done with the support yesterday during that meeting. I keep replaying it over in my head, trying to work out what the hell was going on in her head, trying to work out what I did wrong. Everyone tells me that she was out of line, everyone who was there in that waiting room was shocked, and couldn't work out what on earth her problem was, and couldn't believe she behaved as she did. 

Regardless though, I feel as though any faith I had in her has been shattered by this incident, and certainly, without any explanation or apology, there's no way in hell I feel as though I can continue to see her as a mentor, or continue seeing her through support. And to be honest, I could be done without having to deal with Uni in order to get any sort of support sorted once again. It's fucking ridiculous.

----------


## HoldTheSea

> I don't whether to feel angry, hurt, let down, confused, or what. 
> ...



I don't know what to say other than I'm here if you need someone to talk/vent to.  :Hug:  What a horrible experience, I'm so sorry.

----------


## Member11

> ...



 :Hug:  I still think she needs a few  :bopa:

----------


## PinkButterfly

So sorry you had a bad day I miss working but I sure don't miss the issues at work but I would love to work again but then I am sure I would say WOW I hate working with some people and more.. Hope things get better!

----------


## HoldTheSea

I'm really angry again for some reason. I feel like breaking something. These feelings just never go away, do they? Fuck.
 I've already vented nonstop to my friends and my therapist about everything and I think I've exhausted the topic.
I think I'm going to go hiking in the mountains with the dogs. I need to be far away from anything that reminds me of anything.

----------


## Otherside

> I'm really angry again for some reason. I feel like breaking something. These feelings just never go away, do they? Fuck.
>  I've already vented nonstop to my friends and my therapist about everything and I think I've exhausted the topic.
> I think I'm going to go hiking in the mountains with the dogs. I need to be far away from anything that reminds me of anything.



I do that too sometimes. :/ I can go on for hours and hours and hours. Supposedly talking about things makes you feel better, but damn, sometimes that fury is just still there, burning for what seems forever, and it seems as though you have to rage forever. 

Going away and hiking somewhere might actually help. Not that I've tried it. I live in what must be the flatest area ever. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Otherside

So just when I thought the situation couldn't get any more idiotic...

I get an email today requesting that I authorise payment for two hours worth of mentoring. No, the money does not come from me. But it comes from my alloted hours from SFE. Even better, it claims there was that I was absent due to "unforseen personal circumstances" and gave less than twenty four hours notice. 

Yes, I appreciate the fact that I said I'd pay for the sessions if I actually did that. But I didn't. She stormed out. That's on her. Not me.

I have my suspects that it's an automated email sent after she fills in the timesheets, don't even know I'd the company knows. Called the company and asked them to call me back. Intend to tell them that there's no way in hell I'm authorising this given what happened, that the "absence reason" is not even remotely true and it wasn't an absence, and that I don't want to take this any further, but if this goes on, I will. This is getting ridiculous. 

On the plus side, uni were sympathetic abd agreed she could have behaved better. As did the company...before I got the payment request. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## HoldTheSea

It's snowing... with thunder and lightning. That's a new one.
I'm babysitting, the kid is under the bed, and my dogs are hiding. Nothing freaks out my dogs more than a thunderstorm.

----------


## Total Eclipse

I'm feeling very emotionally and physically exhausted.. been up since 3am >.<

----------


## anxiouskathie

> I'm feeling very emotionally and physically exhausted.. been up since 3am >.<



Hugs to you!

----------


## Member11

I got a kink in my neck, it won't go away  ::(:

----------


## anxiouskathie

> I got a kink in my neck, it won't go away



so sorry to hear that!  try sitting up straight and moving your shoulders downward....works for me sometimes

----------


## HoldTheSea

I think I got a little too drunk

----------


## anxiouskathie

> I think I got a little too drunk



keep drinking water and flush that system out!

----------


## Koalafan

Got essentially zero sleep last night  ::(:  woke up what felt every 20 minutes or so until I had to go in for work.

----------


## Member11

> Got essentially zero sleep last night  woke up what felt every 20 minutes or so until I had to go in for work.



Awww no, what's keeping you up?  ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Koalafan

> Awww no, what's keeping you up?



Been trying out a new night light and I'm thinking it may be too bright! Thankfully it has a lot of custom settings that hopefully I should be able to find the right brightness that wot keep me up!

----------


## Member11

> Been trying out a new night light and I'm thinking it may be too bright! Thankfully it has a lot of custom settings that hopefully I should be able to find the right brightness that wot keep me up!



Hopefully you can find a setting that works for you  :Hug:  I do feel your pain too, I use my laptop as my night light and even on the lowest setting it can get quite bright making it hard to sleepy.

----------


## Koalafan

> Hopefully you can find a setting that works for you  I do feel your pain too, I use my laptop as my night light and even on the lowest setting it can get quite bright making it hard to sleepy.



Thank you! I'm hoping so! I generally sleep with my TV on but I get really intense anxiety during sleep and tend to wake up in intense panic so I'm seeing if a night light during the night will help that out>_<

----------


## PinkButterfly

I have to keep a tv on until I am so sleepy then I shut it off or turn on the timer and then it shuts off when I am asleep. I stayed awake to late last night watching the grammys and then woke up at 4 am , 6 am and I have been awake since I think 7 am so I am sleepy today and having belly issues. 

Hope you start sleeping better!

----------


## Otherside

> Been trying out a new night light and I'm thinking it may be too bright! Thankfully it has a lot of custom settings that hopefully I should be able to find the right brightness that wot keep me up!



Been having that problem too. Any problem is that it's not due to a night light. It's because the Council decided to stick a new Street light outside my window and crank the brightness up to max. :/

Well think I'm beginning to get used to it. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Been trying out a new night light and I'm thinking it may be too bright! Thankfully it has a lot of custom settings that hopefully I should be able to find the right brightness that wot keep me up!



Maybe you should try a salt lamp. They are really pretty and relaxing and typically don't give off much light.

----------


## HoldTheSea

I borrowed my mom's van, I just drove home with it, I hate that thing. I have a 5+ hour drive to NYC with the van for the dog show. :/

----------


## HoldTheSea

I decided not to go to New York... I was up all night having panic attacks and I felt really unstable again. I'm home with my dogs watching Westminster on TV. Better luck next year. There's also the National Dog Show and the AKC Eukanuba National Championship, and there are local shows coming up in March. I'll be fine.
I think I made the right decision, I was not about to drive to NYC with no sleep just to compete in one event and drive home.
I stayed home, slept in, and I'm watching the show on TV.

----------


## Koalafan

> I decided not to go to New York... I was up all night having panic attacks and I felt really unstable again. I'm home with my dogs watching Westminster on TV. Better luck next year. There's also the National Dog Show and the AKC Eukanuba National Championship, and there are local shows coming up in March. I'll be fine.
> I think I made the right decision, I was not about to drive to NYC with no sleep just to compete in one event and drive home.
> I stayed home, slept in, and I'm watching the show on TV.



So sorry you where having panic attacks through out the night!  ::(:   :Hug:   :Hug:  I completely understand not wanting to go under those conditions. Sometimes pushing too hard can only have bad consequences. Hope you're resting today and feeling better!  :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> So sorry you where having panic attacks through out the night!    I completely understand not wanting to go under those conditions. Sometimes pushing too hard can only have bad consequences. Hope you're resting today and feeling better!



Thanks Koala  :Hug:   :Hug:  I've been resting all day and I'm feeling better now. I was putting too much pressure on myself.  ::(:

----------


## Koalafan

> Thanks Koala   I've been resting all day and I'm feeling better now. I was putting too much pressure on myself.



Aww after all that stuff you deserve a good resting day!  :Celebrate:  Hope you start feeling better soon  :Hug:  Bopa those panic attacks  :bopa:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I decided not to go to New York... I was up all night having panic attacks and I felt really unstable again. I'm home with my dogs watching Westminster on TV. Better luck next year. There's also the National Dog Show and the AKC Eukanuba National Championship, and there are local shows coming up in March. I'll be fine.
> I think I made the right decision, I was not about to drive to NYC with no sleep just to compete in one event and drive home.
> I stayed home, slept in, and I'm watching the show on TV.



Ugh... That sounds horrible. Sorry you felt so ill..  ::(:  Glad you took care of yourself and rested!

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Aww after all that stuff you deserve a good resting day!  Hope you start feeling better soon  Bopa those panic attacks







> Ugh... That sounds horrible. Sorry you felt so ill..  Glad you took care of yourself and rested!



Thanks, guys  :Hug:  It's not the decision I wanted to make but I think it was the correct one. There will always be other dog shows. :/
For now I'm just going to take it easy, and I still get to experience the show because I'm watching it on TV.
If a German Shepherd wins this year, I'll be breaking out the Champagne anyway  :Tongue:

----------


## Member11

Why did my surgeons use barbed wire instead of stitches in my abdomen?! Not cool, dude!

----------


## HoldTheSea

I feel like I'm losing my mind again.

----------


## Otherside

The anxiety that is causing an extremely unpleasant feeling of tightness in my chest. 

Do you know, out of the all the symptoms, I thank that is the one I hate the most. I fucking hate that symptom.

----------


## HoldTheSea

Two of my dogs are both dominant females and both want to be the Alpha so they keep getting in fights. It pisses me off.
When I leave the house I have to keep them both crated in separate areas so they won't try to kill each other. This is ridiculous behavior. >:[

----------


## Koalafan

> I feel like I'm losing my mind again.



Bopa!  ::(:  Sending some squishy hugs your way!!  :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Bopa!  Sending some squishy hugs your way!!



 :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## Total Eclipse

My head hurts and I'm unable to stay asleep. Been up since 3:30 am :/

----------


## Koalafan

> My head hurts and I'm unable to stay asleep. Been up since 3:30 am :/



You too, huh?  ::(:   :Hug:  I only got a handful of hours of sleep tonight >_<

----------


## PinkButterfly

That people believe they have felt exactly like I do mentally and physically so they think I should be just like them in some strange way but No One suffers the same . I am not going to let them destroy my healing by saying I am not trying hard enough or lie about me to others. Talk away, Think away but God has my back and I am so grateful for his son Jesus!  ::):

----------


## Otherside

> That people believe they have felt exactly like I do mentally and physically so they think I should be just like them in some strange way but No One suffers the same . I am not going to let them destroy my healing by saying I am not trying hard enough or lie about me to others. Talk away, Think away but God has my back and I am so grateful for his son Jesus!



Excuse the language, but [BEEP] them. Nobody knows what it like to deal with what you have, except you. Even people who have the same condition have it to different degrees. Something I have had to explain to many people. That one person can cope does not mean another can.

----------


## PinkButterfly

Yes I have tried so many times to tell people we do not suffer the same or live the same lives so please do not judge me or say mean things because they only hurts me more in so many ways. I would hope one day people would stop believing their own words are the truth.

----------


## Kimbra

I don't want to go to school today.

----------


## Lunaire

> I don't want to go to school today.



But then how will you learn all of the important things?

----------


## Koalafan

My concentration has gotten so horrible lately  ::(:  It's becoming harder and harder for me too concentrate on something longer than 20 minutes >_<

----------


## Relle

We don't have any freakin' sweets in the kitchen

----------


## HoldTheSea

I feel like it's getting harder and harder for me to trust people, and there are a lot of people I'm really suspicious of right now.

----------


## SmileyFace

Horrible "friend" bugging me to death. About ready to cut off all contact without any warning..

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Horrible "friend" bugging me to death. About ready to cut off all contact without any warning..







> This person went out of her way to have a longer conversation with me, but during the course of just idle chit chat, she started oddly defending other co-workers, as if she had a perception that I was critical of them. Nothing has happened in the last few weeks or even months, so I don't know where it's coming from. I feel like I'm caught in an juvenile game of telephone.



You two should just do what I do, and tell people you don't want to be involved in drama and that they can kiss your [BEEP] goodbye.

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Lol. It's a thought that runs through my head though, but not something I could say.



It's hard to cut people off sometimes, and it can be even harder to be mean, but sometimes things need to be said in order to stand your ground. Maybe there is something you could say that you feel more comfortable saying that would still give them the same message?

----------


## PinkButterfly

Today- Dad talking about himself and not even asking about his own daughter ME! oh well nothing new but I will love him always !  ::):

----------


## Koalafan

So much bird [BEEP] on my car >_<

----------


## Lunaire

> So much bird [BEEP] on my car >_<



What have you done to anger the bird gods!?!  :mask:

----------


## Wishie

> Today- Dad talking about himself and not even asking about his own daughter ME! oh well nothing new but I will love him always !



Have you ever tried telling him that you need some of his attention? Maybe he doesn't realize he is doing that  ::(:

----------


## PinkButterfly

yeah Dad is Dad he is 71 he is not going to change his way so I just do the best I can to be here for him as I always have been since birth he is stubborn and selfish but he can be good when he wants to be but he is so stuck on himself and women lol so what can I do to change him now that I haven't already tried 100's of times. I will love him no matter what even though he can cut me to the bone. 
Thanks for your reply!  ::):

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Knowing I'll have to chase this landlord around if I want this apartment (AND I DO BIG TIME). How do you ask for my phone number and not have a pen to write it down? You had three hours from our last convo to find a pen. I mean the whole point of me calling was to give you my number...yoouuu asked me to call back and there you were, penless. Haha. But you do seem like a nice person. It's nice to have a call answered lately. I hope I'm the first or at least within the first few people to know about the upcoming vacancy. The complex down the street apparently doesn't want my money, judging from the silence on their end. Whatever. They charge far too much for "a view". I can walk for a couple mins and see a view anytime I want if I live in that neighbourhood. Not a big deal. I'll gladly take cheaper rent.

----------


## Koalafan

Nothing like waking up to deep panic in the morning >_< I guess that'll do instead of coffee lol

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Nothing like waking up to deep panic in the morning >_< I guess that'll do instead of coffee lol



 ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

Never mind. I was just being paranoid >__<

----------


## PinkButterfly

back pain, belly ache and swollen ankles and more

----------


## Koalafan

> 







> Never mind. I was just being paranoid >__<



Aww thank you! Hugs right back at you!  :Hug:

----------


## Koalafan

> 







> Never mind. I was just being paranoid >__<



Aww thank you! Hugs right back at you!  :Hug:

----------


## imnormal

my friend didn't log on to the forum i know him from for 3 days and there's usually never a day that he doesn't log in. and the last thing he talked about was getting rides home on strangers motorcycles. and he lives in the most dangerous city in the world, caracas. and he's cute so maybe someone stole him. 

im not saying that im assuming the worst but im about to start if he doesn't message me soon. frick worrying sucks. when im a parent, im keeping my kid on a leash.

----------


## lethargic nomad

*Forum Games* is like a cancer.

----------


## lethargic nomad

> *Forum Games* is like a cancer.




Oh!!!  I just discovered the setting to ignore that forum.  It's in General Settings.  Awesome.

----------


## imnormal

k my friend was just sick and he messaged me. phew.

----------


## HoldTheSea

I hate PTSD

----------


## Koalafan

> I hate PTSD



 :Hug:   :Hug:   :koala:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> 



 :Hug:   :Hug:   :koala:

----------


## fetisha

I feel so dead inside now before it was extreme paranoia now its depression.

----------


## Koalafan

Was working today and cleaning one of the auditoriums where lo behold someone decided to leave a used diaper on the ground....that tops the cake of grossest [BEEP] I've seen left there >_<

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Was working today and cleaning one of the auditoriums where lo behold someone decided to leave a used diaper on the ground....that tops the cake of grossest [BEEP] I've seen left there >_<



Ewwww  ::(: 

Try babysitting for a kid that likes to play with (unused) tampons and pretends they're dynamite  ::  That's what I have to deal with.

----------


## HoldTheSea

I feel like everyone thinks I'm a fucking idiot

----------


## L

I could really do with a call from my boyfriend but he has no phone reception where he is. Can't even text him.

----------


## Koalafan

> I feel like everyone thinks I'm a fucking idiot



Sorry you're feeling that way  ::(:  You iz awesome!!  :Hug:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I could really do with a call from my boyfriend but he has no phone reception where he is. Can't even text him.



Hope you are doing alright  :Hug:

----------


## Member11

I just laid awkwardly on a surgery stitch in abdomen, that hurt badly >___<

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Sorry you're feeling that way  You iz awesome!!



Thank you, you iz awesome too!!  :Hug: 





> I just laid awkwardly on a surgery stitch in abdomen, that hurt badly >___<



 ::(:   :Hug: 





> I wonder if everyone can see the dark cloud hanging over me.



 ::(:  You okay?  :Hug:

----------


## Member11

> Oh that cloud is always there, hehe.  Today I was feeling run down.  I hate the thought that my moods are too obvious to people.  I feel better after taking a nap. Thanks for asking



I'm glad you are feeling better  ::):   :Hug:  Naps makes everything better!  ::D:

----------


## Member11

> I could really do with a call from my boyfriend but he has no phone reception where he is. Can't even text him.



Hopefully you get into contact with him soon, I'm sure he is missing you too  :Hug: 





> I feel like everyone thinks I'm a fucking idiot



I don't think you are  ::):   :Hug: 





> Was working today and cleaning one of the auditoriums where lo behold someone decided to leave a used diaper on the ground....that tops the cake of grossest [BEEP] I've seen left there >_<



Ewwww, that sucks  ::(:   :Hug:  I don't know why some people have to be so gross >__<

----------


## fetisha

can't stop crying....

----------


## L

> can't stop crying....



(( gentle hugs )))

----------


## L

Pain and antibiotics...yay!

----------


## 1

Can't stand noisy environments

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

Ugghhhhhghhhhghhghh.... Trying to save money but the universe is having _none of it_.

----------


## Lunaire

> Ugghhhhhghhhhghhghh.... Trying to save money but the universe is having _none of it_.



"Trying to pay rent? How about I make your furnace break, your car stop working, and your office burn down." 
-*The Universe, probably*

----------


## Otherside

I feel like a massive fraud right now. I can't work out if I actually am a fraud, or if I'm just in denial. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Member11

> I feel like a massive fraud right now. I can't work out if I actually am a fraud, or if I'm just in denial.



Why would you think that about yourself?  ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## L

I am pretty angry - feel like [BEEP] - I would love if my boyfriend would empathise with me, feels like he is laughing at me - This will pass, I am okay!!

----------


## Member11

> I am pretty angry - feel like [BEEP] - I would love if my boyfriend would empathise with me, feels like he is laughing at me - This will pass, I am okay!!



You okay?  ::(:  Remember, I'm a PM away  :Hug:

----------


## Koalafan

Stomachs upset! But what is new  ::(:

----------


## Wishie

> The walls are too thin in apartment complexes  I smell bacon and it's so disgusting.



That is fucking hell and would cause me to get nauseated all day.

----------


## HoldTheSea

I was just informed that there is no Dunkin' Donuts in Australia, I am going to die when I go there >__< I need coffee and Starbucks is too expensive.

----------


## L

boyfriend is making me upset, it's not his fault I'm just so fecking emotional atm

----------


## Member11

> I was just informed that there is no Dunkin' Donuts in Australia, I am going to die when I go there >__< I need coffee and Starbucks is too expensive.



We have Donut King and many coffee places, like The Coffee Club, your coffee needs will be looked after  ::):   :Hug: 





> boyfriend is making me upset, it's not his fault I'm just so fecking emotional atm



Your boyfriend should never make you feel upset, it is not your fault!  :Hug:

----------


## L

> Your boyfriend should never make you feel upset, it is not your fault!



I know, I told him how I felt - he said sorry!

----------


## Member11

> I know, I told him how I felt - he said sorry!



That's good  :Hug:  but if he does it again, give him one of these  :bopa:

----------


## Member11

I went all the way to the blood place, waited there until my number was called and just as my number was about to be called I realised the hospital put the wrong sticker on my blood test form, the form had the details of someone else, instead of me. I couldn't get the tests done and now I have to see my doctor and get him to write up another form  :doh:

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Just the waiting game. I wanna know if I have this place or not :/. Afraid to get my hopes up. There isn't really another option! Everything else is too expensive or too far away.

----------


## Member11

> Just the waiting game. I wanna know if I have this place or not :/. Afraid to get my hopes up. There isn't really another option! Everything else is too expensive or too far away.



Hopefully you will get the place!  :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

I'm about to do something really fucking stupid. I can't take this anymore.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> Hopefully you will get the place!



Thanks Jerry :]






> I'm about to do something really fucking stupid. I can't take this anymore.



If you know it's stupid then you already know it's best not to do it. Whatever's wrong...sending hugs!  :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Oooh, Australia.  Lucky you. Is this a vacation?  They might have a good alternative to DD.



It is technically a vacation, I'm going there to visit someone.





> We have Donut King and many coffee places, like The Coffee Club, your coffee needs will be looked after



I'm glad there are other places I can get coffee.  :Hug: 





> Sea!!!! Reach out to people.... we care about you!







> If you know it's stupid then you already know it's best not to do it. Whatever's wrong...sending hugs!



Thanks guys, I didn't do it, I just thought about it. I know better. I called my dad and he was able to get through to me.
 :Hug:

----------


## HoldTheSea

I got mail that was addressed to... you know.
Like, don't they know he's gone?

I also have to clean up my basement, and I know I'm going to find a lot of triggery [BEEP] down there. My basement is where my past went to die.

----------


## fetisha

I can't handle anything in life!

----------


## Otherside

Dear The idiots who got voted into the government, 

It is nice to see that you understand that disability can be mental instead of just physical. I'm glad to see that one of the prime ministers aides believes that "disability payments should go to the truly disabled, not those who sit at home and take pills with anxiety." I'm also glad that he has some grand insight into this because he has "previously suffered from anxiety and depression", and therefore, nobody can comment on what he said or say that he's wrong. 

Perhaps I should make my case as to why I consider my mental illness to be a disability. You see, I appreciate that it's episodal. I appreciate that it fluctuates. I am not sick all the time. 

When I get depressed, I do not get out of bed for anything. I mean literally anything. I will not get out of bed to use the toilets. I will not wash, or shower. I will not move. I begin to loose weight because I'm forgetting to eat. If nobody tells me to eat, I won't do it because I do not feel hungry and nothing in my brain is telling me to eat. When I do remember I need to eat, I'll eat very little. There's no appetite whatsoever. I'm lucky if I even have the motivation to make something to eat. It's just not there. Clothes won't get washed for weeks. Bins won't be empty and they'll be overflowing. At the worst, I started to believe I could hear people's thoughts, and that they were coming to kill me. I cannot be left with my pills because I will most likely overdose on them. My parents have to look them away. And If I do have them and I'm not OD'ing...I'm forgetting to take them and my condition is getting worse. If I'm manic, I start to spend and I cannot stop. My bank account will be empty within the day, every single bit of money spent on some useless crap. I don't sleep, I can't focus, everything is irritating me. I can't stand the sound of people breathing. I'm the most irrate, paranoid, angry person you could come across. 

On the side of anxiety - I'll turn up to bus stops an hour before my bus is due to go and still worry that I have missed the bus. I'll spend half an hour dealing with a panic attack, unable to breathe or think properly. My heart pounds uncomfortably most of the night, keeping me awake. I've spend the last decade dealing with it, being in and out of treatment for it. 

And when it comes to those pills...I hate them, but I don't have a choice except to take them. I've been shaking for the last four years, thanks to the Valproate. I failed a driving test because it's bad enough that I can't control a clutch. I can't write because of the tremors in my hands. I feel the tremoring at night, I can feel the tremoring _now._ 

So yes, you do need a lecture on how "anxiety and depression can ruin someones life". Although I'm certainly glad to hear that you had a mild case of it that makes you think that the condition can do very little damage. 

Yours Sincerly, 

Otherside. 

PS - Insensitive Prick. If I was to say what you said at work, you can bet your [BEEP] I'd be up in front of a disciplinary for insensitivity, and I would be lucky to keep my job. But I suspect that you will not only keep yours, but it will soon emerge that you "didn't mean to say it!" and what you actually meant was something entirely different, although it is as clear as day as to what you meant. I also imagine you'll keep your cushy, ?70,000 job which comes with a second house paid by the taxpayer, travel expenses, and a free ?30 breakfast every morning.

----------


## fetisha

> Dear The idiots who got voted into the government, 
> 
> It is nice to see that you understand that disability can be mental instead of just physical. I'm glad to see that one of the prime ministers aides believes that "disability payments should go to the truly disabled, not those who sit at home and take pills with anxiety." I'm also glad that he has some grand insight into this because he has "previously suffered from anxiety and depression", and therefore, nobody can comment on what he said or say that he's wrong. 
> 
> Perhaps I should make my case as to why I consider my mental illness to be a disability. You see, I appreciate that it's episodal. I appreciate that it fluctuates. I am not sick all the time. 
> 
> When I get depressed, I do not get out of bed for anything. I mean literally anything. I will not get out of bed to use the toilets. I will not wash, or shower. I will not move. I begin to loose weight because I'm forgetting to eat. If nobody tells me to eat, I won't do it because I do not feel hungry and nothing in my brain is telling me to eat. When I do remember I need to eat, I'll eat very little. There's no appetite whatsoever. I'm lucky if I even have the motivation to make something to eat. It's just not there. Clothes won't get washed for weeks. Bins won't be empty and they'll be overflowing. At the worst, I started to believe I could hear people's thoughts, and that they were coming to kill me. I cannot be left with my pills because I will most likely overdose on them. My parents have to look them away. And If I do have them and I'm not OD'ing...I'm forgetting to take them and my condition is getting worse. If I'm manic, I start to spend and I cannot stop. My bank account will be empty within the day, every single bit of money spent on some useless crap. I don't sleep, I can't focus, everything is irritating me. I can't stand the sound of people breathing. I'm the most irrate, paranoid, angry person you could come across. 
> 
> On the side of anxiety - I'll turn up to bus stops an hour before my bus is due to go and still worry that I have missed the bus. I'll spend half an hour dealing with a panic attack, unable to breathe or think properly. My heart pounds uncomfortably most of the night, keeping me awake. I've spend the last decade dealing with it, being in and out of treatment for it. 
> ...



People like them are the reason why I am ashamed to be on social security, seriously whose going to date someone like me? I had a job in the past but it didnt work out.

----------


## fetisha

just cut myself and I am still alive, I want to be dead so bad, this mental illness is too much

----------


## Member11

> just cut myself and I am still alive, I want to be dead so bad, this mental illness is too much



Don't cut yourself! It isn't worth it.  ::(:  And no thinking about dying!  :bopa: 

Make sure you look after the cut, go to hospital or the doctors if you have to  :Hug: 

PM me if you need to talk  :Hug:

----------


## 1

The legs..

----------


## Cuchculan

> just cut myself and I am still alive, I want to be dead so bad, this mental illness is too much



Cutting solves nothing come the end of the day. With most people it simply leaves them in pain from the cuts. There is always help out there. Help on here too. Mental Illness can be hard. Many of us would have felt we wanted out over the years. We are all still here. We learn to fight through things. I am sure you can do the same thing. With the right kind of help and the right people around. Things may seem bad, but there is always a road back.

----------


## Koalafan

Got a cramp in my neck. Can hardly turn my head to the left >_<

----------


## HoldTheSea

I feel so drained  ::(:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> ...



 :Hug:

----------


## 1

Definitely cutting out soda..area slightly above my knees have been aching

----------


## Lunaire

Another double split shift today. How am I going to get my work done while this tired?  :dazed:

----------


## Member11

> Definitely cutting out soda..area slightly above my knees have been aching







> Another double split shift today. How am I going to get my work done while this tired?



 :Hug:  to you both!

----------


## HoldTheSea

Someone I thought it was safe to confide in has completely betrayed my trust.
Joining forces with people who don't like me is a pretty good way to get on my bad side.

----------


## Member11

> Someone I thought it was safe to confide in has completely betrayed my trust.
> Joining forces with people who don't like me is a pretty good way to get on my bad side.



What an asshole  ::(:   :Hug:  they need a punch in the face

----------


## HoldTheSea

> What an asshole   they need a punch in the face



 :Hug:  I agree.

----------


## Member11

> I agree.



 :Hug:

----------


## Koalafan

My [BEEP] concentration >_<

----------


## HoldTheSea

Someone is intentionally trying to piss me off and trigger me.

I edited this because it was a little too intense. Sorry.

----------


## HoldTheSea

Omg, one of my least favorite things ever is when people ask me if I sell prong collars  ::@: 
Why would I even USE a prong collar? They're basically torture devices.
A prong collar is a choke collar with basically... bent nails on the inside  ::(:  They can cause serious injuries and puncture wounds if they're not used properly, and tbh I don't think there's any way to actually "use them properly."
When people ask me if I sell them in my shop, I tell them EXACTLY how I feel about prong collars.
Why is everyone who contacts me today being a massive [BEEP] head? :/

----------


## Koalafan

> Omg, one of my least favorite things ever is when people ask me if I sell prong collars 
> Why would I even USE a prong collar? They're basically torture devices.
> A prong collar is a choke collar with basically... bent nails on the inside  They can cause serious injuries and puncture wounds if they're not used properly, and tbh I don't think there's any way to actually "use them properly."
> When people ask me if I sell them in my shop, I tell them EXACTLY how I feel about prong collars.
> Why is everyone who contacts me today being a massive [BEEP] head? :/



Omg! Who would ever want something like that ever?  ::(:

----------


## fetisha

Tried to end my life today again cant stop crying and I am still here.I'm sorry life is too much for me  ::(:

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Omg! Who would ever want something like that ever?



Probably the same people who think dogs are "objects"  ::(: 





> Tried to end my life today again cant stop crying and I am still here.I'm sorry life is too much for me



People are here for you  :Hug:  PM me if you need to vent.

----------


## fetisha

> Probably the same people who think dogs are "objects" 
> 
> 
> People are here for you  PM me if you need to vent.



ok thank you

----------


## HoldTheSea

> ok thank you



You're welcome  ::):

----------


## L

Tired...so tired today

----------


## HoldTheSea

I've finally snapped and gone completely insane. It isn't normal to be this angry. I'm going to call an ambulance. I need serious help.

----------


## Koalafan

> I've finally snapped and gone completely insane. It isn't normal to be this angry. I'm going to call an ambulance. I need serious help.



Sending hugs over there!!!!!  :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## Twelve Keyz

Can't get off the hamster wheel.  All of my accomplishments suddenly feel trivial. Is there such thing as "making progress" if there's no real endgame?

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Sending hugs over there!!!!!



 :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## fetisha

> PM me anytime  Please don't do that  Please care about you.



everyone is telling me to go the hospital but that will make thing worse, they never help me when I go there. I talk to my therapist on the phone yesterday and I see her tuesday.

----------


## fetisha

> Maybe you can go to a different hospital? Some are better than others! We just want to make sure your safe



I don't know, I have been to so many and they are all the same  ::(:

----------


## lethargic nomad

The moderators at SAS are such idiots.  They obediently follow stupid rules that make no sense; sort of like the German officers during the Nazi era.  Then they pretend to be sorry about it.   

I didn't even post porno.  It was just a documentary with nudity.  Meanwhile trolls run rampant there.

----------


## Koalafan

> 



Moar hugs  :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## Antidote

> The moderators at SAS are such idiots.  They obediently follow stupid rules that make no sense; sort of like the German officers during the Nazi era.  Then they pretend to be sorry about it.   
> 
> I didn't even post porno.  It was just a documentary with nudity.  Meanwhile trolls run rampant there.



Yeah they are, and they're incompetent. They also don't actually follow the rules obediently all the time. I don't really take issue with the mods (they're kind of mindless, but they were picked for that reason) but I know TDK arbitrarily ignores, deletes, gives warnings or infractions depending on his mood. He's not consistent. He also says inappropriate things about members in the mod forums. And he also makes himself uncontactable so you have no recourse.  When I tried to contact him over an issue (and it was the mods who actually instructed me to do this) he responded by promptly removing all modes of contact, which forced me to contact The Helena account, who communicated on his behalf to me. The real reason he was avoiding me seemed to be that he just didn't have any adequate reasoning for a judgement call he'd made but didn't want to deal with me directly because... he's a coward? I don't know. Absolutely inept.

----------


## fetisha

> The moderators at SAS are such idiots.  They obediently follow stupid rules that make no sense; sort of like the German officers during the Nazi era.  Then they pretend to be sorry about it.   
> 
> I didn't even post porno.  It was just a documentary with nudity.  Meanwhile trolls run rampant there.



so glad I left that site 5 years ago

----------


## lethargic nomad

> Yeah they are, and they're incompetent. They also don't actually follow the rules obediently all the time. I don't really take issue with the mods (they're kind of mindless, but they were picked for that reason) but I know TDK arbitrarily ignores, deletes, gives warnings or infractions depending on his mood. He's not consistent. He also says inappropriate things about members in the mod forums. And he also makes himself uncontactable so you have no recourse.  When I tried to contact him over an issue (and it was the mods who actually instructed me to do this) he responded by promptly removing all modes of contact, which forced me to contact The Helena account, who communicated on his behalf to me. The real reason he was avoiding me seemed to be that he just didn't have any adequate reasoning for a judgement call he'd made but didn't want to deal with me directly because... he's a coward? I don't know. Absolutely inept.




What was your username over there?  I'm not really sure how TDK became an administrator.  He was one of the original anonymous mods, right?  So we don't even know who he is.  

I suppose the mod selection process is similar to jury duty selection.  They don't want opinionated people but at the same time they have to have a bit of god complex to want that thankless, unpaid job.

----------


## Antidote

> What was your username over there?  I'm not really sure how TDK became an administrator.  He was one of the original anonymous mods, right?  So we don't even know who he is.  
> 
> I suppose the mod selection process is similar to jury duty selection.  They don't want opinionated people but at the same time they have to have a bit of god complex to want that thankless, unpaid job.



I'll PM you my username for privacy reasons. Yes, I believe he is the only original anonymous mod remaining because he said exactly that himself last year in the Board And Help Feedback forum at one point. I believe he still uses his original account on sas, and my impressions are that he is an exceptionally isolated and unhappy individual. Sas is probably one of the few ways he can go on a power trip with no repercussions. He's the main one calling the shots when it comes to moderation. There is no real recourse, or checks and balances; the rest of the admin staff are only responsible for the techy stuff, and have no interest in the moderation. And I get the impression that the rest of the admin staff protect him because he's doing it for free. The mods also seem to protect him, because they have some kind of perverse respect for him, and feel sorry for him, this is based on want I could glean from emails I exchanged with a couple of mods.

Also, I think at the time when the moderation / admin was changing hands and they came up with the anonymous staff idea, they were desperate for new staff, so basically anyone with a good track record and who had been a sas user for a long time (several years), could get picked if they volunteered.

----------


## lethargic nomad

> TDK was the one that banned you?



I don't think so.  One of the other ones.

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Moar hugs



 :Hug:   :Hug:

----------


## fetisha

> So much pain



 :Hug:

----------


## Relle

Insomnia. I haven't been able to get any decent sleep since Monday and now I have trouble falling asleep

----------


## Otherside

> Insomnia. I haven't been able to get any decent sleep since Monday and now I have trouble falling asleep



You have my sympathies. :hug Insomnia is horrible. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Evo1114

> The moderators at SAS are such idiots.  They obediently follow stupid rules that make no sense; sort of like the German officers during the Nazi era.  Then they pretend to be sorry about it.   
> 
> I didn't even post porno.  It was just a documentary with nudity.  Meanwhile trolls run rampant there.



There you are!  ::): 

Yeah, I was pretty bummed to see you banned, at least they reversed it. I did pretty much the exact same thing you did a few years back and didn't hear a peep about it. No warnings, no bans, no messages even. They just deleted my post. I suppose it's different depending on who is reviewing the situation though. I imagine in my case, the person who deleted it was willing to change the normal procedures for me being such a swell guy. You may have just got somebody who is 100% 'by the book', no matter who or what. For the most part, I don't know Adam from Eve on there, so normally don't have any cares/issues for what they do moderation wise.

----------


## lethargic nomad

> There you are! 
> 
> Yeah, I was pretty bummed to see you banned, at least they reversed it. I did pretty much the exact same thing you did a few years back and didn't hear a peep about it. No warnings, no bans, no messages even. They just deleted my post. I suppose it's different depending on who is reviewing the situation though. I imagine in my case, the person who deleted it was willing to change the normal procedures for me being such a swell guy. You may have just got somebody who is 100% 'by the book', no matter who or what. For the most part, I don't know Adam from Eve on there, so normally don't have any cares/issues for what they do moderation wise.




Yeah, I guess it depends on the mod.  Not using too much common sense in their judgement now apparently.  

Right now Silent Memory is the only one who makes it clear that she edited a post or whatever.  The other 2 mods are either doing next to nothing or they are hiding their moderation.

----------


## L

Everything is bothering me even though I am trying not to let it - at the end of the day I am the one who feels bad

----------


## JamieWAgain

Yes
My boss came to work yesterday and said she was "so hung over that she was still drunk"
I asked her if she was driving drunk.
she said 'yeah, that was really bad.'

So,
I'm so judgemental that i can't stand myself. I couldn't be around her yesterday so i avoided her (she went home sick anyway)
and
my brother is hocking all of my mother's jewelry. he told me that today.
i told him 'that is very wrong'
he's living with her temporarily and she truly is an evil person.
but still.
again, judgemental.

or
just mental.
sorry for the long vent.
other then that i've had a peaceful day.
one daughter home from the hospital after gallbladder surgery
adn
the other daughter clean and sober for 6 months and counting.
i think.
again, judgemental.
or 
just mental.
;(
and the other part i don't know how to talk about.

----------


## lethargic nomad

I've been to work drunk before from the previous night's alcohol.  I took the subway though.

----------


## L

> I've been to work drunk before from the previous night's alcohol.  I took the subway though.



Yeah, I had to take a taxi once

----------


## Evo1114

> Yeah, I guess it depends on the mod.  Not using too much common sense in their judgement now apparently.  
> 
> Right now Silent Memory is the only one who makes it clear that she edited a post or whatever.  The other 2 mods are either doing next to nothing or they are hiding their moderation.



Some peeps (like you) obviously I feel deserve a notification. (I've never been notified, but then again, I don't know if any posts of mine have been edited). I wonder if they just get tired of doing it so much for the dillwads who keep them over-busy all the time...just takes too much time. ?

----------


## imnormal

one thing about the sas mods that impressed me is how they would ban you 100 times over if you kept coming back and posting. i dont know any forum where the mods have such patience to keep discovering ur multis and banning them. they also never listened to my appeals. but in two other forums where i got a *perm* ban i got it reversed just by asking. which totally surprised me bc from sas i came away thinking that all forum mods of big forums loved to wield their power over u and would never let u get a second chance.

----------


## lethargic nomad



----------


## Antidote

^ How long is your temp ban for?

I wonder why they don't recruit more mods. I know it's hard and hardly anyone wants to do it, but they don't seem to be actively trying to recruit either, as far as I can tell. If they are it seems very hush hush.

----------


## lethargic nomad

About 6 days.  Until March 9th.

----------


## lethargic nomad

I joined SAS in 2009 and started posting regularly from 2011.  In all those years I have never been banned, not even a temp ban.  

Then in June of 2016, I got locked out of my account when they had that whole password issue.  They changed everyone's passwords and sent them an email.  I never got that email, nor did I get an email when I did "Forget Password" thing.  

Now this.


Edit:  There was that one night where everyone got banned in August of 2013.

----------


## HoldTheSea

Incredibly rude, sick person on Instagram complaining that people are unfollowing them for using inappropriate, abusive gear on their dogs.
Good luck dealing with your animal abuse charges lol you sick [BEEP]!
I have no sympathy for people who abuse animals.
Fyi you are not going to get the "dog of your dreams" by causing it physical injury. You're going to turn it aggressive and it's going to hurt someone and that is going to be your fault.

----------


## 1

Need to get le stuff in order

----------


## Otherside

> ^ How long is your temp ban for?
> 
> I wonder why they don't recruit more mods. I know it's hard and hardly anyone wants to do it, but they don't seem to be actively trying to recruit either, as far as I can tell. If they are it seems very hush hush.



My guess is nobody wants to do it who's "qualified" to do it (and as if I recall (although I haven't been on SAS for a while), you  have to have had an account for a long time with no  infractions/bans/warnings.). I imagine it's fairly thankless work and you get bashed a lot of the time because your decisions aren't liked (still gonna sting even its an anonymous mod account, still aimed at you). On a site filled with people suffering from Social Anxiety Disorder and low self esteem, who would want to volunteer for that? 

It's a sad fact that forums that get larger often attract more of the nasties.

----------


## HoldTheSea

Having a lot of anxiety today  ::(: 

Also, I know I haven't responded to a lot of posts I've been quoted in/visitor messages etc., I'm not ignoring anyone, I just have a lot on my mind and I generally don't respond to stuff when I feel shitty.

----------


## fetisha

my chest and my head hurt from all this anxiety

----------


## Koalafan

McDonalds was not kind to my stomach!! >_<

----------


## HoldTheSea

I don't know why people have such an issue with me using only positive reinforcement dog training.
People think it makes my dogs "brain-dead" and "robotic."
Um, I'm sorry, but the last time I checked, my dogs still had personalities and plenty of free will. My dogs are not "robots" and they are not behaviorally perfect either.
I could go into all the reasons why negative reinforcement dog training is wrong on all levels and psychologically destructive, but I don't want to engage with these assholes.
Fyi:
The ideal dog is one that is obedient when necessary but still maintains its own personality and ability to think freely and independently of its handler. That's the dog you get with positive reinforcement.
Dogs who have been trained with negative reinforcement are less psychologically and temperamentally sound and are more likely to bite and engage in destructive behaviors. They're also prone to anxiety.
...I'll get off my soapbox now.

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

Besides the usual crap, not knowing when I can move into my new place. What if it's a whole month longer than planned? I can't see that, but it's a possibility. Everything's a possibility while I don't know what's happening.

----------


## Kimbra

> Besides the usual crap, not knowing when I can move into my new place. What if it's a whole month longer than planned? I can't see that, but it's a possibility. Everything's a possibility while I don't know what's happening.



I hope you can get it figured out soon! *hugs*

----------


## Lunaire

> Besides the usual crap, not knowing when I can move into my new place. What if it's a whole month longer than planned? I can't see that, but it's a possibility. Everything's a possibility while I don't know what's happening.



Argh, moving is always stressful!  ::teddy::

----------


## IllusionOfHappiness

> I hope you can get it figured out soon! *hugs*







> Argh, moving is always stressful!



Thanks, guys  ::):   :Hug:

----------


## JamieWAgain

Bell's Palsy. Is it contagious? I didn't ask. The doctor was so cute but then he called me 'Maam'. Sigh. So, I never asked if it was contagious.

----------


## Antidote

I've had a muscle spasm in the side of my neck for almost 4 days. [BEEP] this shit.

----------


## Koalafan

Had a customer snap at me. Do not do well on those situations >_<

----------


## Lunaire

> Had a customer snap at me. Do not do well on those situations >_<



Bleh. You have to deal with rotten people sometimes in the service industry.  ::(: 

Why did they snap at you and how did you handle it?

----------


## Antidote

> That sucks  Are they assuming you have fibro? Your neck pain has been nonstop



The pain actually went away all of last year and so far this year, but I get flare ups during migraines or when I change my usual posture. This neck flare seems to have coincided with the arrival of my new laptop... took lyrica last night and woke up without a spasm though.

Oh yeah. I've never been diagnosed with fibro but wouldn't be surprised if I have a mild form of it. The full body muscle aches only seem to happen when I'm very sleep deprived (and I read they believe fibro is partly triggered by a deep sleep deficit). If my lifestyle is good - exercise, no sleep deprivation, I feel normal and don't get the hit by a semi-trailer body ache symptoms.

----------


## JamieWAgain

Just the crushed glass feeling on my eyeball.
My time here is coming to an end. Time to move on. at work. Maybe.
I love The Waling Dead and that's just weird
My dog is getting old.
My daughter had her gall bladder out and it's painful to not be able to help her.
Ditto for the other daughter in her recovery.
My brother takes the easy way out every time. It bothers me that I'm judgmental.
I'm tired from my meds.

----------


## Otherside

So here is the scenario. 

I have pretty bad "travel anxiety". That is to say, anxiety that involves getting from a-b using public transport and regarding timings. I have previously turned up to a bus stop 40 minutes early and still worried that I've missed the bus. It's not so bad now, but it's bad enough at the moment. 

So, lets say I have something 12-1 which I can't really avoid. I need to get a bus at 1:22. now I can possibly get dropped off the bus stop at 1 which would alleviate a lot fo the anxiety. But otherwise, it will be a bit of a squeeze to get from home-busstop if I'm dropped off at home at one. 

Bus then gets to train station at 1:40 for a train at 2pm. Now this is whats panicking me. What if the bus is late, or I miss the bus? What if it does not stop at the correct stop (has happened before, bus drivers are arseholes, I was very pissed off that he did this then tried to excuse it, and it ended up with him being given a warning and me an apology and a refund.)

Train gets to destination at 2:30. From there, I need to get somewhere by 2:45. 

Or, I could just ignore all this anxiety, and get a frigging taxi, which I can't afford, and would cost me about ?40, rather than the ?10 it would cost me on bus + train.

This is ridiculous.

----------


## JamieWAgain

OK, wait.
Don't take a taxi.
Are you afraid of being late or getting lost?

----------


## Otherside

> OK, wait.
> Don't take a taxi.
> Are you afraid of being late or getting lost?



The lateness. 

I pretty bad travel anxiety. I struggle to make unfamiliar journeys without having panic attacks. Gone for a course of therapy for it a few times.

----------


## JamieWAgain

I wonder why you are afraid of being late to the point it gives you anxiety?  That's so interesting and mysterious. 
I would want to know why ...
Do you remember when it started?

----------


## 1

An increase in body temperature makes me feel itchy all over sometimes.

----------


## Otherside

> I wonder why you are afraid of being late to the point it gives you anxiety?  That's so interesting and mysterious. 
> I would want to know why ...
> Do you remember when it started?



About when I was sixteen or so. Started turning up to buses unreasonably early (about forty five minutes or so). Before then I'd never really been responsible for getting anywhere on my own,it has pretty much all been done by my parents. I pretty much got lifts everywhere. Suppose the shelteredness of that didn't help things.

Got so bad that I went for therapy (CBT) to treat it when I was 20 or so. It helped quite a bit. I don't turn up to places stupidly early anymore to avoid the anxiety. Just ten/five minutes or so. I still panic though. Quite a bit. :/ 

Also I did get the bus and train okay. I'm sat on the train at the moment. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## JamieWAgain

I'm glad you have it under control. I have a fear of getting lost so if I'm driving somewhere unknown I do leave earlier then usual. I can relate and cheers to you!

----------


## Koalafan

Cancelled my interview yesterday due to too much anxiety  ::(:  feel like such a fucking loser for doing that.

----------


## 1

Stupid leg pain

----------


## L

Being a woman = putting up with SO much shit

----------


## FireIsTheCleanser

Well it seems like a downside of getting close to someone and caring for them is that when they hurt you, it hurts a lot  ::\:

----------


## Otherside

Woke up and my throat feels as though it has expanded to about ten times it normal size. Owwww.

----------


## HoldTheSea

I love how it's so convenient for people to bother me at odd hours when they want to talk, but when I want to talk to someone it's radio silence.

----------


## HoldTheSea

> Well it seems like a downside of getting close to someone and caring for them is that when they hurt you, it hurts a lot



That's why I don't let people get too close. You have to keep people at a surface level or else they'll destroy you.

----------


## HoldTheSea

> people are fake these days or maybe its my personality people hate, I try hard to be normal but its impossible.



It's not you that's the problem  :Hug:  People are fake, people don't really care about each other and they're just out to use and manipulate.
I try to be normal too and it's impossible for me as well, people don't want to be friends with me because they think they have to help me and that's a burden to them. Basically everyone's an asshole these days, people who make genuinely good friends are hard to come by. Most friendships end up being one-sided because the other person doesn't want to pull their own weight.

----------


## Otherside

Right side of my face now in pain, radiating from my right cheek. Yup. That damn tooth is infected again. Oh how bloody wonderful. 

I made a dental appointment for Friday because I can't do the next two days, but I beginning to regret that. Should have taken that appointment that offered me tomorrow morning.

----------


## Antidote

> Woke up and my throat feels as though it has expanded to about ten times it normal size. Owwww.



That sort of happened to me this morning. Woke up with a lump in my throat. Kind of annoying to swallow.

----------


## Otherside

> That sort of happened to me this morning. Woke up with a lump in my throat. Kind of annoying to swallow.



You have my sympathies. It's horrible. :/ 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Otherside

> Ugh that's not good :/ Make sure you do salt water rinses!!



Yup doing that. Managed to get a tube of Orogel as well from the chemist. Numbing the entire mouth mind, but its working.

----------


## L

> Yup doing that. Managed to get a tube of Orogel as well from the chemist. Numbing the entire mouth mind, but its working.



Clove oil is very good top hun, hope you get sorted soon x

----------


## Otherside

> Clove oil is very good top hun, hope you get sorted soon x



I've heard a lot of good things about cloveoil, and been advised to try it by many people. Might pick some up on my way back home. 

Everyone says its disgusting mind. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## L

> I've heard a lot of good things about cloveoil, and been advised to try it by many people. Might pick some up on my way back home. 
> 
> Everyone says its disgusting mind. 
> 
> Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk



Yes avoid your tongue

----------


## Otherside

> Today hasn't been a good day. I fails :c



Hugs. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## L

> Today hasn't been a good day. I fails :c



Sending gentle hugs xx

----------


## Antidote

I can't get rid of this texture from microcomedonal acne on my T zone. The cystic acne went when I started eating healthier so I seldom get cysts now. But this texture... How I eat now is still not enough. It's like I have to eat immaculately to get rid of it. Probably going to need to do some kind of elimination diet again. Urgh.

Also my airways feel kind of stuffed up. Nose is running, throat itchy.

----------


## 1

Life in general

----------


## Fallen18

Sometimes I wish so badly that I could just go back in time & do things differently.

----------


## L

> I'm struggling right now



Talk to someone hun, you are an amazing person who deserves comfort. Gentle hugs xxx

----------


## L

I feel like I might have a panic attack

----------


## Otherside

> I feel like I might have a panic attack



Hugs. Hope ypu don't, they're horrible!

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## L

> Hugs. Hope ypu don't, they're horrible!
> 
> Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk



I haven't yet anyway, could come yet. It's a hard day ahead.

----------


## lethargic nomad

Trying to sell stuff on Craigslist is really irritating.  So many people send me a stupid email asking if the item is still available.  I say "yes, when would you like to pick it up?"  No reply.  Then why did they fucking ask in the first place??  

Or they ask if I will sell a $100 item for $60.  Many don't even give me their first name.  Ugh. 

At least I got the biggest item (dining table + 4 chairs) sold already.  Thank god.  Selling that gave me so much stress cause it's big and needs to be taken apart to even get it out of the door.  Didn't want to take it apart until the buyer saw the table.  The chairs were not in perfect condition.  The paint was a bit bubbly in the sitting part.  Was afraid that the buyer would complain and not buy it or try to get it cheaper.  Was also afraid that they might give me a fake $100 bill.  Luckily it went smoothly.  



*Example #1*




> i have $50



*Example #2*




> hey I Wana buy the ac

----------


## Antidote

^ The worst is when you arrange a time for them to pick up and they don't even show. 
One time I had a no show which wasted about 40 minutes of my time, and then he had the gull to message me a couple of days later to ask if we could arrange another pick up. From memory I don't think he even gave me an excuse for his no show. I didn't bother replying.

----------


## Otherside

^Now that's just plain rude. Least they could have done is apologise for the absence. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## lethargic nomad

Well, my sister miraculously found someone with a car.  An hour ago, she picked up all the rest of my furniture, plastic boxes, fan, and various odds and ends.  Only have the window air conditioner remaining to sell.  Don't think anyone will want a 2 year old cheapo IKEA mattress.  

My sister didn't want the two air beds.  I don't have the heart to sell my microwave to someone seeing as roaches, dead and alive, are inside it.

----------


## L

You get back what you put out into the universe...I must be an awful person  ::(:

----------


## Koalafan

I just want to shut everyone out

----------


## L

> I just want to shut everyone out



I have that feeling too hun. I hope you don't, I'm trying my best not to...I know it's self destructive and I know how difficult it is too

----------


## fetisha

This morning depression is driving me crazy  ::(:

----------


## Antidote

On the other forum one girl just posted her pic, and some gross guy who's old enough to be her dad (and I'm pretty sure he has a child too) quotes her with some smutty message. I never took much notice of this poster before... but ewww.  ::

----------


## JamieWAgain

I just want to give everyone who posted here a hug. This is a great thread because it allows us to complain without feeling guilty. about anything.
Hugs to all for your bravery.

I wish my stepkids (grown ups now, so my step grown ups) liked me. They don't. they hate me.

----------


## L

> I really hate the situation I'm in...



Gentle hugs, I hope it gets better xx

----------


## JamieWAgain

That's a great question, Total Eclipse, and thanks for asking.
I've been married for 30 years so I'll go back to when we first got married to try to answer..

I was 27 and ....

let me start over as I think this through.

I don't know why the oldest doesn't like me but he doesn't. If I had to guess it would be because when we first got married I was 27 and he was 18 so maybe he felt awkward? It never got better.

The second oldest DID like me and he lived with us for quite awhile. He's gone now. He died and we all miss him. I miss him.
His twin sister never, ever liked me and I don't know why. I think she was so sad that her parents got divorced and she couldn't move past that? I wonder what she would say. I wonder why she never liked me. It hurts me a lot though. 

The next eldest was 12 when we got married and very angry. He despised me. But I can see that he was angry at his father and I was just there.
Oddly, we turned out to be quite good friends but now we are not and that's my fault. I told him never to contact me again. I don't know why I did that but I'm sorry I did.

The youngest was 9 when we were married and he suffers from anxiety. I don't know why he doesn't like me either. He doesn't though.

After typing all this out maybe it's not me they don't like, but the situation they were in so long ago. 

I think maybe they project anger and resentment and meanness onto me when it's someone else they feel anger toward?

The end result is the same. They don't like me.

My stepmother never liked me either. My father told me she doesn't like me because I reminded her of my mother.
My mother never liked me because I reminded her of my father.

I just want people to like me.  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

So I realized it was actually April, and I've only got a month of so to go before I'm finished with this uni course.  :sparkles: 

On the downside, that means every single deadline is due in very soon, and because I was a lazy bugger, I haven't actually done much work because I looked at the deadlines dates and thought "ehh got loads of time left!". My own fault, but still...

Here goes work.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I worry too much. I worry about my kids, job, friends (or lack thereof), my parents, dying alone. I worry so much I get stomach aches sometimes, and it's my own fault. I know worrying has never in the history of the world ever done anyone any good. But I do it anyway. I don't know if it's out of habit or if it's just what I've always done, but I can't seem to stop.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> That's not good  Stop worrying    I hope your able to relax soon! And  to the site!!



Yeah I know, I need to stop it. Stupid anxiety. Thank you  ::):

----------


## Otherside

I feel absolutely furious right now. When I get angry I just...get angry and I'm pretty much a bull seeing red these days. It's getting ridiculous. Keep getting advise on how to deal with it with people who have no fucking clue.

And I'm sure that the inevitable depression that always seems to hit will come along tomorrow morning. Thanks a fucking lot. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## fetisha

I wish I could find an anti psychotic medication that doesn't cause weight gain!

----------


## Antidote

Neck spasms.

----------


## Antidote

> Argh! Sorry your having that issue  Are you going to take lyrica?



Definitely.

----------


## Georgie

Deep suffering!!! Only so much sum1 can take then its al over then they gone!!

----------


## InvisibleGuy

My work requires us to have face to face meetings, and conference calls from time to time. I actually do better usually face-to-face, for reasons I can't figure out. Maybe it's because you can't read body language and facial expressions over the phone, and when it comes to communication (because of my anxiety) I need all the help, all the cues I can get lol. Anyways my last face-to-face went really well, that was last week. My last conference call was this morning. Thank God all we had to do was listen, cos I was anxious as hell this morning. My anxiety is so f-ing strange, I can't even figure it out. Guess if I could, I'd have gotten over it by now.

----------


## Antidote

I drank a beer and now I'm getting horrible palps.

----------


## Antidote

> My work requires us to have face to face meetings, and conference calls from time to time. I actually do better usually face-to-face, for reasons I can't figure out. Maybe it's because you can't read body language and facial expressions over the phone, and when it comes to communication (because of my anxiety) I need all the help, all the cues I can get lol. Anyways my last face-to-face went really well, that was last week. My last conference call was this morning. Thank God all we had to do was listen, cos I was anxious as hell this morning. My anxiety is so f-ing strange, I can't even figure it out. Guess if I could, I'd have gotten over it by now.



Yeah same. Calls stress me out more than face to face.

----------


## fetisha

I can't go back to sleep, I hate being a short sleeper.

----------


## fetisha

I wish this extreme paranoia would go away

----------


## Antidote

It's so frustrating not having anyone who really shares my interest. There are things I wish I could discuss with someone and bounce ideas around with, explore things in depth, but there's no one. I'm always on my own when it comes to this.

----------


## Wishie

> It's so frustrating not having anyone who really shares my interest. There are things I wish I could discuss with someone and bounce ideas around with, explore things in depth, but there's no one. I'm always on my own when it comes to this.



What are things your interested in?

----------


## Antidote

> What are things your interested in?



Neuroscience, neurophilosophy, autism, psychiatry, psychology, health, fitness, digital painting, and films (in genres that I'm interested in). I tend to analyse things to a degree that others find tedious though. Like lately I've been watching tonnes of interviews on YouTube and picking apart the body language; looking for signs of awkwardness, watching the dynamics (because I'm trying to understand my SA better).

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I am so, so tired of dealing with all this stuff...the anxiety especially. Depression I can mostly deal with, though that's no day at the beach either. Depression is going to follow me around for the rest of my life. I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I'm never going to get over it, I'm going to carry it around forever, like luggage. There is no magic pill oc, and you can't talk your way (in therapy) out of depression. There is no "cure".

Anxiety really just pisses me off sometimes. It's frustrating.

I took my kids and my niece and nephew to the Astros v Royals game yesterday, and I was the only adult there and we did fine. It was a lot of fun and I was fairly relaxed. I didn't have to get onto anybody....the kids know I'm pretty laid back and will put up with a fair amount of teenage bs but they also know not to push it. So it went really well. And we've got another game today....this time it's me, my kids, cousins, and my parents. So I'm not as outnumbered lol. I just don't feel like dealing with the crowds today. Fifty thousand other fans. I'll be fine once I get there, I always am. I just hate, hate, hate dealing with the anxiety. Sometimes I think I would give up a limb not to have it anymore. Or trade it in for a serious physical disability. Seriously. I f-ing hate it that much. I absolutely despise the anxious part of me, the part of me that just wants to lock myself in my apartment and never come out again. I hate that part of me so, so much.

----------


## L

> Vacation is over.  Blah.



I have tomorrow off and then so is mine. Hugs xx

----------


## L

I hate the evening time. It's when I struggle the most. More difficult to distract myself.  ::(:

----------


## fetisha

go away headache!

----------


## Otherside

Paranoia is strong tonight  ::'(:

----------


## Antidote

So so tired. But need to go do stuff and things. Urgh. Need to buy some new runners but I don't want to deal with that woman from last time, because she held something until the end of the day, and I was a no show (couldn't be bothered returning to buy that particular pair that I was iffy about anyway). Pretty sure she's a manager so I'm sure I'll run into her again feeling sheepish. 

Also idk wtf is up with my period. It looked like it started last night but today so far it's a no show.

----------


## Otherside

So question number one of why on earth am I paranoid right now - _Why the hell do I care? 

_I don't know these people. I don't know they're names. I've barely ever met them. I'm seeking assurances from strangers who barely know me and it's baffling to understand why this is bothering me in the first place.

Question number two of course is the whole what evidence that what I'm panicking about is true - and there's very little. Not evidence that isn't tainted by an anxious mind constantly going "what if".

----------


## Koalafan

Awful depression today >_<

----------


## Otherside

> Dear lord, another baby shower.  I'm surrounded by fertile women.



Tell me about it. I swear, every single person I know is having kids. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Koalafan

> 



Thanks Eclipse!!  :Hug:

----------


## fetisha

> Paranoia is strong tonight



 :Hug:  mine is worse so I know the feeling, I lost a friend over my massive paranoid/schizoaffective disorder  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

> Do people normally throw baby showers in your neck of the woods?  I wondered if that's more of an American thing.



Nah, not usually. People usually wait till the kids born here before doing that kind of thing.

----------


## Otherside

> mine is worse so I know the feeling, I lost a friend over my massive paranoid/schizoaffective disorder



 :Hug: Damn, Schizoaffective's horrid from all I've heard of it. I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with that.

----------


## Antidote

Health anxiety stuff:
Got period after all but wonder what the spotting was about. 
Also I have a pimple behind my ear since November last year, and it's stressing me out because I feel like it's gotten bigger? I'm waiting for my skin check but that's months away I think.

----------


## L

I want to make a complaint about a service I received yesterday,I'm really anxious about it but I would rather do it than not as I care for the person who runs the service and would want the people working for her to be of the best.....

----------


## fetisha

> Damn, Schizoaffective's horrid from all I've heard of it. I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with that.



My doctor diagnose with that, I'm not sure if I really have that since I don't really hallucinate.

----------


## Otherside

> My doctor diagnose with that, I'm not sure if I really have that since I don't really hallucinate.



Whatever it turns out to be, I've seen some your posts and it's sounds fairly rough what you're dealing with. And I wish you the best of luck in dealing with it :hug 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## fetisha

> Whatever it turns out to be, I've seen some your posts and it's sounds fairly rough what you're dealing with. And I wish you the best of luck in dealing with it :hug 
> 
> Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk



thank you so much *hug*

----------


## Lunaire

Mondays are evil! ( T_T)

----------


## Otherside

> Mondays are evil! ( T_T)



Do you guys over there have to go to work then on Easter Monday? It's a public holiday here. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Lunaire

> Do you guys over there have to go to work then on Easter Monday? It's a public holiday here. 
> 
> Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk



Yep.. No mandatory holidays here in the states. It's also not required for your employer to offer you vacation time. I'm lucky if I get more than 1 week off a year. 

＿|￣|○

----------


## Wishie

> Yep.. No mandatory holidays here in the states. It's also not required for your employer to offer you vacation time. I'm lucky if I get more than 1 week off a year. 
> 
> ＿|￣|○



That's some bullishit!  :dance foo:

----------


## Otherside

> Yep.. No mandatory holidays here in the states. It's also not required for your employer to offer you vacation time. I'm lucky if I get more than 1 week off a year. 
> 
> ＿|￣|○



No vacation time? Damn, thats BS. Pretty rough.

----------


## Cuchculan

Far too many bank and public holidays in this country. This will be the final year the pubs are not allowed to open on Good Friday. How about that one for you all. Religious law. But is been done away with from next year.

----------


## Otherside

> Far too many bank and public holidays in this country. This will be the final year the pubs are not allowed to open on Good Friday. How about that one for you all. Religious law. But is been done away with from next year.



Same here. Tescos can't open on Easter Sunday for some reason. _

_

----------


## fetisha

pms is making me feel a thousand times worse than I already do  ::(:

----------


## Lunaire

> Far too many bank and public holidays in this country. This will be the final year the pubs are not allowed to open on Good Friday. How about that one for you all. Religious law. But is been done away with from next year.



I'm not a fan of religiously motivated laws but I bet if you worked at a pub you wouldn't be complaining!  :Tongue:

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Me and my sister have a mutual friend that has kept my ex-wife as a facebook friend, in order to kind of keep an eye on her insanity. I have tons of friends and family that have blocked my ex-wife. They just cannot stand her anymore, she has turned into a drama mama.

I cannot believe she fucking posted on fb about the inappropriate comments her ex bf said to our daughter. My daughter is 16, and everyone knows she's my ex-wife's daughter also.

I just want to scream at her "Did you even think about our daughter before you posted that stuff? Did you think about her privacy, and the fact that she might not want the entire world knowing about that? Do you ever think of anyone besides yourself"?

I stayed calm, and called her, and told her (calmly) "You might want to be careful what you post on fb, our daughter might not appreciate you posting that". And I could hear the regret in her voice, when she promised to delete them all. I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you feel stupid but get a clue. The comments she made might very well have come from a really immature 16 year old (no offense to any 16 yr olds). My God, woman, try to act like a responsible adult once in a while.

----------


## Otherside

Got bitten by what I think was a horse fly just over a week ago. Leg swelled up massively. It's gone down a lot now but its not gone. Coming off of the bite are two, long swollen red lines. 

Stupidly, I decided to use Doctor Google and Nurse WebMD. Because I didn't learn anything from the last ten times I did this. Why not convince yourself you're dying again ffs.   :hit wall: 

Gods sake, I'll go see a pharmacist tomorrow.

----------


## fetisha

I'm this close to cutting myself

----------


## Otherside

Feel on the verge of a panic attack.  ::(:  

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Antidote

OMG the palps won't stop. They're crazy tonight.

----------


## L

> Feel on the verge of a panic attack.  
> 
> Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk



I hope you are feeling okay, sending hugs xx

----------


## L

I did something I shouldn't have done  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

> I hope you are feeling okay, sending hugs xx



Thank you. Hugs. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Lunaire

> I did something I shouldn't have done



What was it?  :O_O:

----------


## L

> What was it?



I hurt myself  ::(:

----------


## Lunaire

> I hurt myself



I'm sorry. I hope you're doing better now.  ::(:

----------


## fetisha

I feel weird..

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> I hurt myself



I'm sorry L. I went through a period of time (not too terribly long ago, really) when I would SH a lot. I have a lot of scars. I (mostly) don't do it anymore. I hope you feel better.

----------


## Otherside

> I hurt myself



 :Hug: I'm sorry you're not doing so well at the moment. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM.

----------


## Skippy

Uhh...feel crappy and rather bored and bit lonely right now. Eh, well...

----------


## L

> I'm sorry. I hope you're doing better now.







> @L
>  Big hugs  Please message me anytime.







> I'm sorry L. I went through a period of time (not too terribly long ago, really) when I would SH a lot. I have a lot of scars. I (mostly) don't do it anymore. I hope you feel better.







> I'm sorry you're not doing so well at the moment. If you ever want to talk, feel free to PM.



Thanks guys - I am just going through a really hard time at the moment. I am going to try really hard to talk to my boyfriend this weekend. I am afraid of upsetting him.

----------


## Cuchculan

He is your boyfriend. I am sure he will only want to help you. I think we think we burden others with our problems. When we don't really. I am sure he will want to try and understand the ' why ' and then only want to try and help you as best he can. Used to the same [BEEP] to myself for years. Nobody knows about it at all. It was always my big secret.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Tired. Missing someone very, very much right now. I'm with my kids at my parents' house for the weekend. And I finally have a little alone time. I'm just so, so exhausted though, but too overtired to sleep yet. I'm sore and sunburned but today was a really good day with my kids....I'm just worried about how I'll feel tomorrow, and sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop, especially when I'm alone again. Sometimes I just don't do well alone. I have way too much going on in my head, esp lately.

----------


## 1

Procrastination

----------


## Otherside

Broke up with my partner yesterday. Three years and he's fucked it up.

He just levelled a load of accusations at me that have no basis in reality and then refused to talk to me. I told him yesterday that I had accepted a place on a computing course next year in Wales, that'd I'd started looking for housing. It's like every single fucking time something good happens in my life something always blows up. I don't even think he's doing this deliberately, but it's there. And I know for a fact that he struggles with the fact that me (bipolar/panic attacks and "worse" in his head) can cope with a uni course, and is managing to move away to get a higher level degree and he (OCD/depression, and "not as bad") is unable to do so. (and for the record, I do not think bipolar is worse than OCD/depression.) 

I don't know why he couldn't just apologise. I don't know why if there was a problem, he couldn't discuss it like an adult to someone who's been with him for almost three years now (we would have been in two weeks or so) instead of playing the avoidance game.

He's said to me he has problems apologising because he doesn't want to appear "weak". But to who the fucking whom? 😥

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

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## Lunaire

> Broke up with my partner yesterday. Three years and he's fucked it up.
> 
> He just levelled a load of accusations at me that have no basis in reality and then refused to talk to me. I told him yesterday that I had accepted a place on a computing course next year in Wales, that'd I'd started looking for housing. It's like every single fucking time something good happens in my life something always blows up. I don't even think he's doing this deliberately, but it's there. And I know for a fact that he struggles with the fact that me (bipolar/panic attacks and "worse" in his head) can cope with a uni course, and is managing to move away to get a higher level degree and he (OCD/depression, and "not as bad") is unable to do so. (and for the record, I do not think bipolar is worse than OCD/depression.) 
> 
> I don't know why he couldn't just apologise. I don't know why if there was a problem, he couldn't discuss it like an adult to someone who's been with him for almost three years now (we would have been in two weeks or so) instead of playing the avoidance game.
> 
> He's said to me he has problems apologising because he doesn't want to appear "weak". But to who the fucking whom? 😥
> 
> Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk



Congratulations on getting accepted! I'm sorry to hear that things turned sour with your partner though. 

I hope that you are able to sort things out with him.  ::(:

----------


## Koalafan

> Broke up with my partner yesterday. Three years and he's fucked it up.
> 
> He just levelled a load of accusations at me that have no basis in reality and then refused to talk to me. I told him yesterday that I had accepted a place on a computing course next year in Wales, that'd I'd started looking for housing. It's like every single fucking time something good happens in my life something always blows up. I don't even think he's doing this deliberately, but it's there. And I know for a fact that he struggles with the fact that me (bipolar/panic attacks and "worse" in his head) can cope with a uni course, and is managing to move away to get a higher level degree and he (OCD/depression, and "not as bad") is unable to do so. (and for the record, I do not think bipolar is worse than OCD/depression.) 
> 
> I don't know why he couldn't just apologise. I don't know why if there was a problem, he couldn't discuss it like an adult to someone who's been with him for almost three years now (we would have been in two weeks or so) instead of playing the avoidance game.
> 
> He's said to me he has problems apologising because he doesn't want to appear "weak". But to who the fucking whom? 
> 
> Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk



Oh dear sending some hugs your way other there!!  ::(:   :Hug:

----------


## Antidote

> Broke up with my partner yesterday. Three years and he's fucked it up.
> 
> He just levelled a load of accusations at me that have no basis in reality and then refused to talk to me. I told him yesterday that I had accepted a place on a computing course next year in Wales, that'd I'd started looking for housing. It's like every single fucking time something good happens in my life something always blows up. I don't even think he's doing this deliberately, but it's there. And I know for a fact that he struggles with the fact that me (bipolar/panic attacks and "worse" in his head) can cope with a uni course, and is managing to move away to get a higher level degree and he (OCD/depression, and "not as bad") is unable to do so. (and for the record, I do not think bipolar is worse than OCD/depression.) 
> 
> I don't know why he couldn't just apologise. I don't know why if there was a problem, he couldn't discuss it like an adult to someone who's been with him for almost three years now (we would have been in two weeks or so) instead of playing the avoidance game.
> 
> He's said to me he has problems apologising because he doesn't want to appear "weak". But to who the fucking whom? 😥
> 
> Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk



Sorry to hear this. Do you think he could be upset about you moving away while you studied or would he have followed you over there?

----------


## Otherside

> Sorry to hear this. Do you think he could be upset about you moving away while you studied or would he have followed you over there?



I would have moved away without him. For reasons I'd rather not go into, he doesn't have any income at the moment, and I can't afford to pay for him to live with him. 

I'm sure he is upset that I'm moving, but he's been aware of this for a year and half at the least. Although no doubt, the fact that I'm actually looking for (and have applied for one place) housing in Wales had brought it to the forefront of his mind. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

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## fetisha

I wish things didnt end so ugly with this person

----------


## Otherside

Can't focus at all. Brains rushing from place to place and won't let me focus. Can't get a database to work and I feel like a failure. Everything's going on and I can't cope. There's nothing I can do here. I'm just sat here doing nothing. 

I just want to go home. Shouldn't have come in. I feel like a wreck. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

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## Otherside

I thought it'd be fairly obvious that if you wanted me to have sympathy towards your situation, that'd it'd be a good idea to not dismiss mine with "well that ain't my problem". 

Apparently not. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

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## InvisibleGuy

Hope you feel better 
@Otherside
 I have days like that at work where I just can't get in the groove, I can't focus, and I usually just try to grind through it (or go home early). For me it's usually anxiety related. I hope you feel better.

----------


## Fallen18

Some days I forget about the hurt, other days it sideswipes me.

----------


## Fallen18

> 



Thanks for the kindness  :Hug:

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm totally friendless. I hate myself sometimes, I really, really do. I hate, hate, hate having anxiety. If it was a physical part of me I'd amputate. I'm dead serious, I hate my anxiety that much.

I have zero irl friends. I have friends I can call on the phone, long distance friends, I have internet friends, I have friends I text, but I have no one to hang out with. No one.

I hate myself right now, so, sooooo much. I am fucking worthless. It's Friday night, I live in an area where there are really awesome bars and clubs and restaurants and things to do within a five mile radius, tooooons of things to do, and I have no one to do them with. I hate myself. Sometimes I really wish it would just end, I really do.

----------


## L

> I'm totally friendless. I hate myself sometimes, I really, really do. I hate, hate, hate having anxiety. If it was a physical part of me I'd amputate. I'm dead serious, I hate my anxiety that much.
> 
> I have zero irl friends. I have friends I can call on the phone, long distance friends, I have internet friends, I have friends I text, but I have no one to hang out with. No one.
> 
> I hate myself right now, so, sooooo much. I am fucking worthless. It's Friday night, I live in an area where there are really awesome bars and clubs and restaurants and things to do within a five mile radius, tooooons of things to do, and I have no one to do them with. I hate myself. Sometimes I really wish it would just end, I really do.



I'm so sorry it's like this. ((Hugs)) it's not fair. I can feel your anger. It's shit, I know.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> I'm so sorry it's like this. ((Hugs)) it's not fair. I can feel your anger. It's shit, I know.



Thank u, it's just frustrating sometimes.

----------


## sweetful

Me...being the way I am

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I might go to the Astros v A's game this afternoon. Idk. I've never been to a concert alone, or a baseball game alone, in my entire life. I'd be fine lol, those kind of things are just usually a lot more fun with a buddy or with a gf, or with someone else imo. I might go though. I'm bored. My parents have season tickets and they don't want to go today.

I feel like I need to get out, to at least push myself a little bit. I've been locked in my apartment all weekend. It just bothers me cos I've never been to a game alone before. Might feel strange.

I am such, such a f-ing loser lmao. I have no one to go with me. No one. The more I think about that, the sadder and more pathetic it sounds. FML.

----------


## L

> Me...being the way I am



Hugs, I hope you are not being too hard on yourself xxx hope you feel better xx.

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## InvisibleGuy

> Did you go?  I think it takes guts to do certain things alone, but I noticed it's not unusual. I don't know anything about baseball, but I've noticed solo concert goers whenever I've been at a concert, both classical and rock.  Same with going to the movies.



I decided not to go  ::(:  I'm sure, like you said, it would be just fine, I see people going to games by themselves all the time...it's really not a big deal. It's just my anxiety, stupid, stupid anxiety.

I also just didn't want to pick up tickets from my dad and leave him at home lol when he couldn't / didn't want to go. My mom and him were actually fighting about it, he wanted to go, she didn't and he gave in...he didn't want to go and "hear her complain for three hours" in his words, about not wanting to be there lol. So....I didn't want to go over there and get a ticket from him and go, I just would've felt bad.

I agree with you I think it does take some guts to go alone. This is kind of silly but one of the things on my bucket list is to go to a concert alone, and just enjoy a show, alone. Just to prove to myself that I can I guess lol.

----------


## Otherside

> crying again over my pathetic life



 :Hug:  :Hug:

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## sweetful

> Hugs, I hope you are not being too hard on yourself xxx hope you feel better xx.



Yeah, I probably was/am. Thank you so much. Nice of you.  :Hug:

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Well, fuck, that was just brutal. I just got off a conference call at work and we all just got spanked lmao. That could not have gone much worse.

What really, really pisses me off is that apparently the woman I was crushing on, that quit, hasn't been doing a fucking thing all month. NOT visiting stores, not taking pictures like we're supposed to, not taking care of her stores.

For fucks sake I am so, so pissed off right now. If you're going to quit then just quit. You sitting on your [BEEP] and collecting a paycheck while doing nothing these past couple of weeks has just tanked our numbers. The whole team looks bad, because of you. I hope it was worth it.

I'm surprised we still have jobs. The numbers were so bad I'm surprised they even held a conference call at all, as opposed to just canceling it and giving us all pink slips. Dear God, what the hell is wrong with you woman? And what the hell is wrong with my boss.....how, HOW did you not see this coming. Don't fucking blame me, I've been making stores, I've been getting results. You just sent me an email and were telling me how awesome things are going.

FML.

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## InvisibleGuy

> I've noticed a pattern that when a person quits, they do very little work in the weeks before.  The last one, we have no idea what this person was doing 1-2 months before she left.  It was a shock.  We only found out when someone went through her documentation.  I was more shocked that people who were close to her were also in the dark.  It affected us because then we had to make up for all that lost work.
> 
> What's bothering me:  Got tripled charged for a transaction.  The girl at the store was trying to use a cell phone to do the transaction but it froze twice.  So, we ended up going to the register. She didn't think the transactions on the phone went through but it did.  I called the store, and they told me to dispute the charges on my credit card.  I have a feeling they were just blowing me off.



Yeah. It's just really shocking to me, I'm surprised she'd do that, but, meh, guess I shouldn't be. I don't know if our clients know this or not (and I really don't know if they care, tbh) but I did 90% of sales for last month, which means she didn't do a f-ing thing. She did *nothing*.  Our clients don't care so much about why sales are down, they just care that sales are down. It's the company I work for, it's their problem, they have to fix it.

Now....our client is looking at _everything_. Every little bitty thing they can complain about, ffs. So I'm under a microscope right now because....of her. Because she wanted to sit on her *** and do nothing for....weeks. I know it happens all the time, I just don't get why you'd do that to your friends from work. We're a pretty tight-knit group. There are only four of us in the whole United States. We've all had dinner together, drank together, had countless phone calls....and she did this. Maybe she was just trying to stick it to my boss lol, Idk, but she hurt a lot of people in the process. The whole reason I have my job...is because of this client. If they decide they don't want me anymore I'm fuqd and there's nothing my boss can even do about it. Ughhhh. /rant. I just...don't understand people sometimes I really don't.

Anyway.

That's happened to me before too, getting double charged.....if they're really being jerks about it you might have to get your credit card to refuse payment. It's pretty easy to do, though. They should work with you.

----------


## L

The ability to feel is a terrible curse

----------


## Otherside

So thankfully, I'm not living in America and don't have to deal with the crap of medical insurance. 

But WTF Mo Brooks? Sorry, but lets say I _did_ have to go shopping for medical insurance. I'd have to declare that I'm diagnosed Anxiety, Bipolar and IBS. I'm sure that would have put the cost up. But I didn't live a "good life" and that's why I have them? I haven't done things to "keep my body healthy?" Are you actually kidding me?

For your information - 

1) Anxiety -> Nobody really knows what causes it, in my case. Some people may have a deep seated reason. I don't. 
2) Bipolar -> Nobody has a clue what causes it. Some people think genetics but who knows. 
3 ) IBS -> Nobody knows what causes that either. 

I seriously hope this guy never comes down with anything long-term that requires long-term treatment. Not that I imagine it'll be much of a problem for him to pay for mind. I imagine he's loaded.

----------


## Antidote

I need to take a pic of this mole thing on my neck (the app keeps sending me reminders) but I'm too scared in case it's gotten bigger.

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## Lunaire

> I need to take a pic of this mole thing on my neck (the app keeps sending me reminders) but I'm too scared in case it's gotten bigger.



It's completely reasonable to have anxiety over this but avoiding it won't cause the problem to go away. Keeping on top of this will be the best thing you can do. I hope it goes well! （＾_＾）

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Having stress related stomach aches again. Ffs, sometimes I don't even know if this job is worth it anymore. It's a lot of responsibility (for me, anyway). I started out as just a regular sales guy but that is most def not what this is now. Be careful what you wish for lol. There can be travel at a moments notice, there are video conference calls, staff meetings, presentations, trade shows, meetings with clients, and I'm graded on how the entire Houston area is doing. I'm graded on % change in sales, compared to last year, month and quarter. My sales are compared to average sales in the U.S.

I've had jobs that were more stressful than this, but not by much. I think I'm starting to understand why my coworker quit. Compensation for this [BEEP] = / = responsibilities and stress you have to put up with. It just doesn't. Not even close.

----------


## Otherside

So my wisdom tooth is probably infected...again. Woke me up at half five. Sat waiting for an appointment to get it looked at. 

I got two options for appointments. Today - or the fifteenth of May. I am not waiting until the fifteenth of May. So just rushed out to get my tooth looked at. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

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## Otherside

Oh ffs, it is infected again. Been given antibiotics again, will probably have to have it removed if that does nothing or if this happens again.  

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

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## fetisha

If people get annoyed with me cause of my mental illness or whatever is going on with me I back away from them or cut them off, or withdrawal from everyone and when I do that they get more upset with me either way I'm always the bad guy *sigh* I really don't think I ever interacted with anyone who really liked me for me. I'm really starting to think people who wanted to be around me just wanted to use me because they are lonely.

----------


## L

Ugh how does one turn their brain off....

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## InvisibleGuy

> Kidney stones hurt like a motherfucker. >_<



That's what I've heard. God, I'm sorry TE. (((hugs))) I hope you feel better soon.





> Ugh how does one turn their brain off....



I have the same problem, esp tonight. I've had a good day with my kids but my brain has been all over the place and I can't seem to turn it off. Thinking about my kids oc, work, my health, finances. We've played games all weekend, basketball, card games and we're going to TopGolf tomorrow, so those are good distractions and I want to spend time with them oc (but my brain is still in overdrive and won't stop).

----------


## fetisha

> Ugh how does one turn their brain off....



have you tried taking something to calm you down? that helps me

----------


## L

> have you tried taking something to calm you down? that helps me



I don't take anything, could have done with it last night. Didn't sleep a wink at all.

----------


## L

> Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I wish I could scream with you.

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## L

> So I wont be able to see my therapist until may 31



Until then hun you can keep coming here and sharing how you feel. If there is someone here you talk with, use that or youhave can always pm me xx

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## fetisha

> Until then hun you can keep coming here and sharing how you feel. If there is someone here you talk with, use that or youhave can always pm me xx



ok thanks I will try, I just dont want to drain you and others with my problems. I did with a friend of mine who almost left me but we are fine now.

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## Otherside

The panic has been strong lately. Started taking medication for it again.

Thanks a dozen, stress. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

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## InvisibleGuy

Tired. Missing my kids. They are my whole world. I wish I could see them every weekend. Every other weekend is not enough.

Also anxious about dinner tomorrow with family. We're celebrating Mother's Day early, my sister and her family and me taking her and my dad to a nice restaurant cos going out to eat on actual Mother's Day is just fucking crazy. It's two to three hours waiting for a seat at the good places, unless you have a reservation. Anyway, I don't really like my brother-in-law, he's just a dork. Maybe tomorrow will go well though.

It's also a day to celebrate my abuser, from when I was a little kid. So mother's day brings very mixed feelings for me. Tbh, I never had a mom growing up. She would just abuse the [BEEP] out of alcohol and pain killers...or both at the same time. She'd sleep all day, and when she wasn't asleep I wished that she was because she was very, very abusive. But, I love her because she's my mom. And I forgave her. So. I just need to remember that. I love her because she's my mom. And it's mother's day. Just get through it. Just smile, and be positive, and get through it.

----------


## L

I'm telling people I'm leaving my current job and it's making me all sad  ::(:

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## Cuchculan

> I'm telling people I'm leaving my current job and it's making me all sad



Poor you. I am sure they will miss you. But life goes on. So must you. Find another job and get going all over again.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm pushing back a little bit with my boss. We had a conference call yesterday afternoon. We all carry tablets with us when we call on stores. Our biggest client wants us to start logging in travel time and lunch time every day, for every call.

I (and one of my other team members) reminded my boss that we are salaried. This is just fucking ridiculous.

I spoke up and actually told her that I feel like I'm in kindergarten again. I put in 40 hours per week, esp when you consider the admin time I put in. I have to plan out my sales calls for the week and input all that into my tablet and that takes at least an hour. Also....someone pointed out today....my office is my apartment. I have a laptop and printer here, and I have an entire closet just to store some of the stuff I sell. This is my office. So, travel time to and from my home is included in my time worked for the week.

It was very, very quiet during a lot of the conference call yesterday. My boss even mentioned it several times. "You guys are really quiet, it's bothering me, what are you thinking"?

We're all pushing back a little bit now. None of us are really being compensated for what we're doing. I understand life isn't fair. I understand everyone feels like they're overworked and underpaid, I get that. But you'd better be careful how hard you push people, how you treat people, ffs. If we all decided to just quit my employer would be fucked. I mean, seriously fucked.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Not many things make me more anxious than getting copied in an email from my boss' boss' boss. Ffs man. He's like the VP of sales for the western half of the country. I guess he wanted me to notice, that he's noticing lol. It was positive, it wasn't an email to beat me up, or to beat up any of my teammates. But ffs man. It was actually a positive email, it was congratulations on the good job while you were out of town. But it still makes me very anxious. We're being watched. Closely. And I think that was part of the message.

----------


## Otherside

Got to sleep at about two, slept a few hours. Couldn't get back to sleep becaude my mind wouldn't shut up with its panicking about work. Got stuff that needs to be done by tomorrow and a presentation tomorrow that's freaking me out (just hoping.i don't have another panic attack during it). Also panicking about stuff that's already been done. 

Well no. That's a lie. I did get back to sleep. After my alarm clock when off at seven I somehow managed to fall asleep ffs. Ended up getting up at half past with the horrid realisation that I needed to be on a bus in fifteen minutes. I'm actually amazed that I managed to catch it to be honest and I got in on time.

It currently feels as if there isn't enough caffeine in the world to wake me up. Which is a problem, because I really need to be awake. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I really, seriously do not even know you anymore. You are not the same woman that I married and spent 18 years of my life with, and raised three kids with lol. You're just not. You've become someone else, and it started right before we got divorced when you decided you didn't want any more responsibilities, and decided to have your little midlife crisis.

I mean, you won't even get the kids swimsuits. They spend half of their summer in the pool, and you refuse to buy them swimsuits. What the actual [BEEP]?? I mean, I don't care....I'll buy them swimsuits for God's sake. You say you don't have time, there's no time to buy them. Let's look at that for a second, ffs. When I have my kids on my weekends, half the time I come back to your house to drop them off and there are beer cans in the driveway by the outdoor fireplace. You don't do yardwork, our son does it all. You don't cook, our son or one of our daughters does it....always. You don't do dishes. All the kids do their own laundry. And you don't clean house, it's split up into the kids chores.

*sigh*

Unless you've changed, which I seriously doubt, you don't help the kids with their homework....I always did that, along with cooking and cleaning most of the time....you just tell them to get tutored at school.

You don't drop the kids off at school or pick them up, they all take the bus....I always at least dropped them off in the mornings.

In the last three years, since we've been divorced, you have had Child Protective Services called on you twice now. A couple of years ago our oldest daughter told me that they barely even saw you all summer, and they live with you ffs.

You're not gonna win any mom of the year awards, babe. You have turned into one of the laziest, self-centered, most narcissistic people I have ever known. Why did you want to even become a mom? Seriously.....it disgusts me. You should feel blessed to have our kids in your life, and especially to have custody, and instead the kids are neglected and pretty much raising themselves. It's fucking sad, really just sad.

----------


## fetisha

summer is coming which means more bugs and sweating -__-

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I am in serious mourning. I cannot believe Chris Cornell, one of the most talented and gifted artists, lyricists, vocalists of my generation is gone, at 52. I'm in shock. I had a serious man crush on that dude. He was....just amazing, simply amazing  ::(:   ::(:   ::(:  I had just posted some of his songs.

----------


## fetisha

> I am in serious mourning. I cannot believe Chris Cornell, one of the most talented and gifted artists, lyricists, vocalists of my generation is gone, at 52. I'm in shock. I had a serious man crush on that dude. He was....just amazing, simply amazing    I had just posted some of his songs.



I agree I liked his music too, they think he killed himself but I don't know for sure.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

^ That's what everyone is saying. My favorite radio station is playing at least one of his songs every hour today. The morning show that I listen to every day was just....brutal this morning. There were people calling in crying. This may sound kind of ridiculous to some people, and...I don't normally get into celebrities and all that. But it brings out so many emotions in me. My heart is so, soooo heavy today, it is just so goddamned sad on so many different levels. He left behind a wife and kids, ffs.

I don't understand how someone so talented, with so much love to give, how someone who brought so much joy to other people's lives and helped them through some of their darkest hours could just end everything. There are people that just do not comprehend how devastating it is for those left behind when a loved one takes their own life. I will never, ever be the same after my gf's suicide five years ago. Ever. I will always be in therapy, I will always have PTSD because I witnessed that, and I will always be just really, really f-ed up, beyond help really.

I'm not a very religious person, at all, but I've been praying for his wife and kids today. His music helped me through some pretty dark times. Through my divorce. Through the death of my girlfriend. How fucking ironic is that. Smdh. It's just really sad to me, I don't even have words. I've been really low, just really sad all day today. You'll really, really be missed, Chris. The world is a worse off place without you here, my brother. I can't....even listen to this song...but I feel like I should post it here.

----------


## JamieWAgain

InvisibleGuy,
I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. You don't have to apologize or question why you feel so sad. You were deeply moved by his music and that's enough. You are also really being triggered right now as your girlfriend did something horrific in front of you. You will most likely have ptsd all of your life, as I don't think there is a cure so let yourself feel whatever you're feeling. I think that's what a psychiatrist would say. Also, someone I admire recently wrote "breathe". Just breathe when you feel overwhelmed. In through your nose, out through your mouth.
I'm sure I didn't help but I want you to know that I care.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

^ Thank you for that. You did help. I just feel like I'm being over-emotional, and irrational. It's not like I every met him or knew him personally. I did see him live, the first time when I was around 20 years old (late eighties, early nineties) and the last time was twenty years later. A lot of his songs trigger memories, emotions I have wrt my ex-gf. I just feel like I'm giving up on the human race, ffs. You're right, I'm totally being triggered. I just need to breathe, thank you Jamie.

----------


## JamieWAgain

You 'feel' like your being over emotional and irrational, but you're not. 
Let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. Music is always very helpful to me, so I understand. Often, it's the only way I can express what I need to say, or am trying to say. Hard to explain.
I'm glad I helped. Be gentle with yourself.

----------


## L

I'm a mess.

----------


## fetisha

> ^ That's what everyone is saying. My favorite radio station is playing at least one of his songs every hour today. The morning show that I listen to every day was just....brutal this morning. There were people calling in crying. This may sound kind of ridiculous to some people, and...I don't normally get into celebrities and all that. But it brings out so many emotions in me. My heart is so, soooo heavy today, it is just so goddamned sad on so many different levels. He left behind a wife and kids, ffs.
> 
> I don't understand how someone so talented, with so much love to give, how someone who brought so much joy to other people's lives and helped them through some of their darkest hours could just end everything. There are people that just do not comprehend how devastating it is for those left behind when a loved one takes their own life. I will never, ever be the same after my gf's suicide five years ago. Ever. I will always be in therapy, I will always have PTSD because I witnessed that, and I will always be just really, really f-ed up, beyond help really.
> 
> I'm not a very religious person, at all, but I've been praying for his wife and kids today. His music helped me through some pretty dark times. Through my divorce. Through the death of my girlfriend. How fucking ironic is that. Smdh. It's just really sad to me, I don't even have words. I've been really low, just really sad all day today. You'll really, really be missed, Chris. The world is a worse off place without you here, my brother. I can't....even listen to this song...but I feel like I should post it here.



The same thing happen to robin williams and he had a wife and kids. I always thought I would be happier with more money but it wont really even though I want it so bad. I had no idea chris cornell had kids. I remeber chris mentioning kurt cobain on why he killed himself in an interview and now its happen to him now.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> The same thing happen to robin williams and he had a wife and kids. I always thought I would be happier with more money but it wont really even though I want it so bad. I had no idea chris cornell had kids. I remeber chris mentioning kurt cobain on why he killed himself and now its happen to him now.



Yeah. I'm sure he was surrounded by a loving family, wife, kids, millions of fans, more money than he could ever hope to spend, but I guess he still felt completely alone and helpless. Which is why it's so sad....he gave so, so much, to so many people.

I can also see the other side of it, because I've been on the other side of a suicide. I know how his wife is feeling right now. I know how his kids are feeling right now. They are just....beyond devastated, they are probably still in denial, or somewhere between denial and disbelief. They're having so many feelings rush at them right now that they can't possibly even deal with them all, they're completely overwhelmed, emotionally.

It's a very sad, and very cruel, and very selfish thing to do imo. Mostly....it's just really sad because there's obviously no going back. And there is no picking up the pieces, no silver lining, no resolution. His family, the people that were closest to him...they are just f*cked. They're going to be in therapy, or dealing with this another way, maybe a much less healthier way, for the rest of their lives. It's never going to go away. They're never going to recover from it.

----------


## Skippy

Something bothering me? Yeah, depressed as all fuck.  I dont get how being so is like a coming outta the closet of sorts and in my case, doing so results in [BEEP] from people. Why cant someome feel like total [BEEP] if they want to, and just be left alone to deal with it, if nothing more positive?

----------


## Lunaire

> Something bothering me? Yeah, depressed as all fuck.  I dont get how being so is like a coming outta the closet of sorts and in my case, doing so results in [BEEP] from people. Why cant someome feel like total [BEEP] if they want to, and just be left alone to deal with it, if nothing more positive?



I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling down. Did you have a bad experience with friends / family when you told them?  :Hug:

----------


## Skippy

> I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling down. Did you have a bad experience with friends / family when you told them?



I did in the past to the point Im really closed off now and always say everything is ok even when it isn't. My love tells me i can talk to him but he is dealing with his own things right now so I dont tell him even if he asks me. Sis thinks it may be cfs related too as im feeling extremely weak as well; I tried to pick up the autoharp today and tried the guitar yesterday and Im just too burned and bummed out to manage and cant sing at all.....which really sucks cuz I have 3 work days in a row soon performing. I never had good experience opening up to people, but these days im starting to more. I came from a lot of people who said to be depressed or to cry was weak and to be looked down upon....but tbh, that is totally rediculous...so im trying to more

----------


## Lunaire

> I did in the past to the point Im really closed off now and always say everything is ok even when it isn't. My love tells me i can talk to him but he is dealing with his own things right now so I dont tell him even if he asks me. Sis thinks it may be cfs related too as im feeling extremely weak as well; I tried to pick up the autoharp today and tried the guitar yesterday and Im just too burned and bummed out to manage and cant sing at all.....which really sucks cuz I have 3 work days in a row soon performing. I never had good experience opening up to people, but these days im starting to more. I came from a lot of people who said to be depressed or to cry was weak and to be looked down upon....but tbh, that is totally rediculous...so im trying to more



I think there's nothing wrong with not sharing with people if you don't want to. However, if you feel it might be healing to you then maybe you should try opening up a bit more to your partner. I'm sure he will appreciate it.  ::): 

I also think it's ridiculous that people have looked down on you for crying or being depressed. These are normal human emotions and it's unhealthy if you don't allow yourself to express them!

Hope you are able to find some enjoyment out of playing soon.  :Hug:

----------


## Skippy

> I think there's nothing wrong with not sharing with people if you don't want to. However, if you feel it might be healing to you then maybe you should try opening up a bit more to your partner. I'm sure he will appreciate it. 
> 
> I also think it's ridiculous that people have looked down on you for crying or being depressed. These are normal human emotions and it's unhealthy if you don't allow yourself to express them!
> 
> Hope you are able to find some enjoyment out of playing soon.



I know rite! That stuff is normal, indeed. and yeah i held in mine for so long it got really unhealthy for me....what especially sucks is I was always the happy one n' these past 7 years people totally ruined that for me, as if there was also something wrong with me for being cheerful; they just brought me down, so they the ones with the prob, really.

----------


## fetisha

Now Im scared to leave my house after what just happened in England.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Missing my kids, as usual. Missing my ex, as usual. Sometimes all it seems like I do is miss people. My therapist has a whole, whole lot to say about that oc. Stuff I won't even bother to go into but mostly stuff you've already heard if you've ever been in therapy before lol, even for just a few sessions. Hearing what she has to say doesn't help sometimes though. She just...really....just pisses me off sometimes tbh. I don't care about the rationale behind why I feel that way sometimes....sometimes I just want to not feel that way anymore, and oc she never has an answer for that.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> Hope your feeling better



Feeling better, thank you TE  ::):  I was really, really down, really low for a while but feeling somewhat normal again, whatever that is.

----------


## Skippy

again feeling like crap. Always feel so dang exhausted. if i was like everyone else, ohh the things i could accomplish! i feel like going to doctor again and just tell them i cant keep going on like this that something needs to be found out here!

----------


## Kimbra

> again feeling like crap. Always feel so dang exhausted. if i was like everyone else, ohh the things i could accomplish! i feel like going to doctor again and just tell them i cant keep going on like this that something needs to be found out here!



 :group hug:

----------


## L

Moving apartment is super stressful...I have no where to move to and I start my new job in a week eeeeeek!

----------


## Lunaire

> Moving apartment is super stressful...I have no where to move to and I start my new job in a week eeeeeek!



Oh dear! Are you starting a new job out of town?

----------


## L

> Oh dear! Are you starting a new job out of town?



Yeah, my boyfriend and I are moving home but finding a place to rent is really hard I may have to stay with my parents for a while.

----------


## Cuchculan

> Yeah, my boyfriend and I are moving home but finding a place to rent is really hard I may have to stay with my parents for a while.



Prices in Ireland are through the roof at the moment. Is a bloody rip off. I know they put the rent cap on what can be charged but the owners found ways around that. Now charging for parking spaces and other silly things. High time they were hit hard for over charging.

----------


## fetisha

Last night was so embarrassing

----------


## Lunaire

> Last night was so embarrassing



Oh noes! Would you like to share what happened?

----------


## L

> Last night was so embarrassing



hugs - What happend??

----------


## Lunaire

I slept too much this weekend.  :doh:

----------


## Lunaire

> There is never such a thing as sleeping too much!



 :Busykitty:

----------


## L

I don't feel very strong at the momemt

----------


## CeCe

I don't feel like adulting  today.

----------


## Skippy

I'm tired as [BEEP] and wanna just get the new bed in here and snuggle with my Matt in it all day long....

----------


## InvisibleGuy

@CeCe
 God, me neither. I got through today without acting (too) childish. I think. Who knows. I have sick days at my job but they'll never be used. I just felt like taking a mental health day today but nope, not an option.

I think one of the worst things about my job is there is no one else to do it if I call in sick. No one. That just sucks.

----------


## CloudMaker

My old fish may be dying.... I just changed his water last week, but it's gotten a lot warmer here so the temperature may be a reason. He's still hanging in there. Today he was swimming around pretty good again.

----------


## CloudMaker

My computer still freezes after being left idle a couple of minutes. I've tried everything except a complete reset to Factory settings.
I don't want to do that because downloading games from Steam takes several days.
I will probably at some point have to do it , but I hate too.to.
 ::(: 
Did most of my taxes and I owed $2,000 again.
I guess I should be happy that I can pay it.    I  planned on paying so I set that much aside.  IDK
Pretty soon I will just choose to work less.
Or take out more
 ::(:

----------


## Otherside

> My computer still freezes after being left idle a couple of minutes. I've tried everything except a complete reset to Factory settings.
> I don't want to do that because downloading games from Steam takes several days.
> I will probably at some point have to do it , but I hate too.to.
> 
> Did most of my taxes and I owed $2,000 again.
> I guess I should be happy that I can pay it.    I  planned on paying so I set that much aside.  IDK
> Pretty soon I will just choose to work less.
> Or take out more



Yeah I know the feeling with the steam games. I have way to many installed on here. 

Have you tried running a memory diagnostic? Won't solve it but might show you if it's a memory issue. If you type "mdsched" into start you can should be able to run it.

----------


## Skippy

Feeling bored, lonely and depressed again.  :Rain:

----------


## CloudMaker

> Yeah I know the feeling with the steam games. I have way to many installed on here. 
> 
> Have you tried running a memory diagnostic? Won't solve it but might show you if it's a memory issue. If you type "mdsched" into start you can should be able to run it.



no I haven't tried that. seems to be working fine now.... i dont want to mess with it. I will look at that if it happens again..... Thanks for the suggestion

----------


## Otherside

> no I haven't tried that. seems to be working fine now.... i dont want to mess with it. I will look at that if it happens again..... Thanks for the suggestion



Glad it's working alright again. Hope it continues for you.

----------


## Skippy

My brother has been found to have a mass the size of a plum (??) in his sinuses....he going to hospital for scan and biopsy. this is pretty worrying.

----------


## CloudMaker

I feel pretty bad about the future.
I don't have much hope, I think there won't be many humans left.

Most of the people I grew up with are dying from GMO food and heartbreak, and lack of hope.

 ::(:

----------


## Skippy

> Any updates?



not yet.... he did get back to me this morning saying he goes in to hospital tomorrow nite and I told him to keep us posted. it was so nice thaf Matt and I got to see him before we left ontario. he didnt look too well...

----------


## Skippy

> The fact they aren't admitting him right away is most likely a good thing.



I  hope so...
it was pretty fast tho they just found it the day i posted about it...he go to hospital 2 days after it found

----------


## Otherside

> I'm feeling anxious and depressed. >_<



 :Hug: Sorry to hear that, my friend. Here if you need me.

----------


## Skippy

> It's still better than them seeing it on the scan, having a doctor rush in to see it and being admitted before the scan was done. It's still scary, but possibly gives more hope that it wasn't an immediate  emergency response if that makes more sense. I'm hoping he's getting the treatment he needs



yeah well i guess ill know more soon at any rate.





> I'm feeling anxious and depressed. >_<



whats the matter hun? *hugzzzzz* or is it just a general crappy feeling? luvz to u

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> I'm feeling anxious and depressed. >_<



(((Hugs))) hope you feel better Kay.

----------


## L

I got caught for speeding today. It was totally my fault  ::(:  my interaction with the garda was pathetic

----------


## CloudMaker

The chick I helped to hire is a complete bitch.  I've already started documenting all of the stuff she has refused to do, said she was better than, too smart for, wants my bosses' job and my job although she knows zero about the library. : O It makes me crazy that I agreed to hire her.

On the last day of school she asked why I have a key to the staff lounge and she doesn't .  I told her I don't know they gave it to me and I never use it I don't even care...everything is open when I (and her) start work anyway , and that  idiot marched into the secretary's office and demanded that I return my key!  I hate her guts now.

She has a teaching credential so thinks I am stupid.
I have over 20 years experience with libraries and have taken library courses.
When she comes back in the spring...........I will ask her why she doesn't apply to be a teacher if she is so fucking smart?
I hate her!


I hate her guts!  I will never interview  for a coworker again!
I've tried to cover all my bases.
I wish I would have agreed to hire this young Asian woman without experience.

----------


## fetisha

feeling like a loser again

----------


## fetisha

I hate having periods -_____-

----------


## CloudMaker

does anybody use Cortana on Windows 10?  I hate Windows 10!  I hate "Cortana" It's sort of funny because I Love Alexia  and use her all the time, but I resent Windows 10 always trying to push "Cortana" on me and spying on my browsing behavior..........I guess that's just the post 1984 world we have inherited.
Please don't say "use Apple" , I think Steve Jobs is languishing in  the 7th ring of hell.

----------


## Skippy

> does anybody use Cortana on Windows 10?  I hate Windows 10!  I hate "Cortana" It's sort of funny because I Love Alexia  and use her all the time, but I resent Windows 10 always trying to push "Cortana" on me and spying on my browsing behavior..........I guess that's just the post 1984 world we have inherited.
> Please don't say "use Apple" , I think Steve Jobs is languishing in  the 7th ring of hell.



I shut down and totally disable Cortana; won't have that lil [BEEP] spying on me. Apple is worse even! i was given an iphone to repair and use to my liking but even after factory reset it cannot be used as a simple music player etc without a sim card and apples permission!!

----------


## fetisha

I had to have a weird day on a Monday :/

----------


## Skippy

Im so extremely burned out, overwhelmed and depressed I just dont think I can go on anymore.

----------


## L

> I'm having high anxiety and feeling like I'm going to have a f'n panic attack    I miss my boyfriend and can't wait to see him </3



I hope it settle down and you get to see him soon xxx

----------


## Cuchculan

Lack of activity on this forum is bothering me. For an anxiety forum there never seems to be anything to answer. Over the pass week must have been about 10 or just over posts made. That was by myself. Normally answering other posts. Like posting has dried up big time. One of those were you do look around the net for more active sites. Not even talking anxiety based sites. I am part of radio scanner sites and places like that. Just something to do until this place picks up again.

----------


## L

> Lack of activity on this forum is bothering me. For an anxiety forum there never seems to be anything to answer. Over the pass week must have been about 10 or just over posts made. That was by myself. Normally answering other posts. Like posting has dried up big time. One of those were you do look around the net for more active sites. Not even talking anxiety based sites. I am part of radio scanner sites and places like that. Just something to do until this place picks up again.



I have been away and not feel 100% this week - but I have noticed

----------


## Cuchculan

I was meaning any one person or anything like that. Have a look in the various sections of the forum. I did last night. Is like we have an anxiety forum were nobody has any anxiety problems. Some of the upper most posts were old. Just sort of sank in how dead the place was. Even when I tried to start a new topic a week or so back, one reply was all it got. Wow. They seriously need to get their members posting again. Even if it is just saying how they are doing right here and now. In a way I can understand some people not wanting to post. Like a double edged sword. They see the lack of activity on the forum and decide not to post because of it. Maybe feeling there is nobody about to give them answers. On the other side you have others waiting to see new posts. We can only sit and look over every so often. Off to watch some Aussie Rules football. That will take me till the end of the evening.

----------


## Lunaire

> I was meaning any one person or anything like that. Have a look in the various sections of the forum. I did last night. Is like we have an anxiety forum were nobody has any anxiety problems. Some of the upper most posts were old. Just sort of sank in how dead the place was. Even when I tried to start a new topic a week or so back, one reply was all it got. Wow. They seriously need to get their members posting again. Even if it is just saying how they are doing right here and now. In a way I can understand some people not wanting to post. Like a double edged sword. They see the lack of activity on the forum and decide not to post because of it. Maybe feeling there is nobody about to give them answers. On the other side you have others waiting to see new posts. We can only sit and look over every so often. Off to watch some Aussie Rules football. That will take me till the end of the evening.



I'm sorry that there hasn't been much activity in the Anxiety forums. It seems like the Forum Games are our most popular section.

Do you have any suggestions or constructive critcism that you believe would help increase forum activity?  ::):

----------


## Cuchculan

Yes. That members post. Simple as that. You want the forum on search engines, you need a lot of posts. Other than that other sites will always come up above this one if anxiety and forums are looked up on search engines. The games section hasn't been used that much either over the past week. Just a case of keeping the site out there. Only way to do that is with posts.

----------


## Cuchculan

Call me Mr Motivation. Just trying to get people to post.

----------


## fetisha

I wish I could stop cutting myself every time something stressful happens and I should be glad I'm done with that toxic person I was seeing but I am still crying mad at myself for not getting rid of him sooner even though I tried more than once. I feel so dumb that I haven't got my life together 100%. I'm better off dead anyway.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> I wish I could stop cutting myself every time something stressful happens and I should be glad I'm done with that toxic person I was seeing but I am still crying mad at myself for not getting rid of him sooner even though I tried more than once. I feel so dumb that I haven't got my life together 100%. I'm better off dead anyway.



I'm sorry, I hope you feel better soon  ::(:  It's been quite a while since I self-harmed but I used to do it pretty often. I have literally dozens of scars. Almost all of them can be covered up with a t-shirt, but I have so many I've never even counted them all. It's probably close to 100, maybe more Idk. I hope you find another way to cope. I'm sure you've seen this, but some of the stuff on this page has really helped me.

https://anxietyspace.com/forums/show...ing-mechanisms

----------


## L

> I wish I could stop cutting myself every time something stressful happens and I should be glad I'm done with that toxic person I was seeing but I am still crying mad at myself for not getting rid of him sooner even though I tried more than once. I feel so dumb that I haven't got my life together 100%. I'm better off dead anyway.



Oh hunny - I hope you are safe.

----------


## fetisha

> Oh hunny - I hope you are safe.



I don't feel safe, I think I am going insane. I feel so defeated and hopeless.

----------


## Skippy

Im sorry such tough times are upon you right now. sometimes this world feels like such an awful place it drives one batty.
im hoping things get better soon...

----------


## Cuchculan

This sort of crap appearing up on social media. Is Father's day here. Why do women try and hijack the day? Some dads done a runner. Others passed away. Others were simply not wanted in the life of the child once the child was born. Father's rights suck in Ireland. But leave father's day to the fathers. 

Attachment 4093

----------


## InvisibleGuy

^ I agree, I've seen the same thing. There is such a thing as Mother's Day lol. Leave it for Mother's Day, let dads have Father's Day ffs.

Sure there are plenty of single moms out there. There are plenty of single dads, too. There are plenty of dead-beat moms out there as well as dads. My ex-wife is one of those dead-beat moms.

----------


## 1

This climate

----------


## fetisha

All this shame I have of myself and my past making me want to end my life but I am to scared to do it anyway.

----------


## Cuchculan

Had some idiot actually suffering from Cycle rage this morning. I kid you not. I was in the cycle lane on a coast road. He came behind me at about 60 MPH and told me to get out of his F'N way and don't be cycling so slow. I told him to shove it and called him a Tour De France wannabe. With all his lycra gear on him. On the way home he passed me again and I couldn't resist asking had he calmed down yet. Got a swift F you. Which had me laughing. First time this has ever happened to me on a bike. What did he expect? Other people to clear a way for him to speed through? I am a relaxed cyclist. Not in any hurry at all. Always a few idiots out there.

----------


## CloudMaker

we are in the beginning of a really bad heatwave.  I'm so glad I signed up to work through the summer now. This week will be very bad.

----------


## fetisha

morning depression strikes again :/

----------


## L

It is my birthday today, I had to work a looong day and my boyfriend is so stressed I don't think he even knows. It's not that I want any fuss (I hate fuss) but something small would have been nice...and i can't even be mad as he is SO stressed...he is always stressed!

----------


## InvisibleGuy

@L
 Happy birthday to you  ::):   :Birthday:

----------


## InvisibleGuy

What's bothering me now is I just noticed I'm losing weight, without even trying to. I think I've lost 15 pound in the last month or so. I noticed my jeans are fitting a lot looser.

I really think it's stress....I mean, I don't believe that, actually, but that's what all the docs tell me. I can't even eat anymore, eating just gives me stomach aches, on top of stress-related stomach aches. The hunger pains (when I even get them at all) are not nearly as bad as the stomach aches. I went out to eat yesterday with family for father's day and I ate half a hamburger, that was it. I don't even like eating anymore, ffs....I actually avoid it for as long as I can sometimes. My youngest daughter even commented yesterday "God dad, you didn't hardly touch your food".

I have gone to so many Goddamned doctors over the last ten or so years, just for my stomach aches. And no one can find anything wrong. I might try one more time. I just find it really hard to believe you can be in this much pain, and have stomach problems this bad, all from stress. I just don't buy into that.

----------


## fetisha

> It is my birthday today, I had to work a looong day and my boyfriend is so stressed I don't think he even knows. It's not that I want any fuss (I hate fuss) but something small would have been nice...and i can't even be mad as he is SO stressed...he is always stressed!



happy birthday!

----------


## fetisha

> What's bothering me now is I just noticed I'm losing weight, without even trying to. I think I've lost 15 pound in the last month or so. I noticed my jeans are fitting a lot looser.
> 
> I really think it's stress....I mean, I don't believe that, actually, but that's what all the docs tell me. I can't even eat anymore, eating just gives me stomach aches, on top of stress-related stomach aches. The hunger pains (when I even get them at all) are not nearly as bad as the stomach aches. I went out to eat yesterday with family for father's day and I ate half a hamburger, that was it. I don't even like eating anymore, ffs....I actually avoid it for as long as I can sometimes. My youngest daughter even commented yesterday "God dad, you didn't hardly touch your food".
> 
> I have gone to so many Goddamned doctors over the last ten or so years, just for my stomach aches. And no one can find anything wrong. I might try one more time. I just find it really hard to believe you can be in this much pain, and have stomach problems this bad, all from stress. I just don't buy into that.



I think its just stress too, well that's what the doctors keep telling me too since I always think there is something wrong with me and I have been eating less too cause of depression. My mom is on to me about eating more. I'm worried about gaining more weight if I eat more. (since Seroquel the medication made me gain so much weight in 2014)

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> I think its just stress too, well that's what the doctors keep telling me too since I always think there is something wrong with me and I have been eating less too cause of depression. My mom is on to me about eating more. I'm worried about gaining more weight if I eat more. (since Seroquel the medication made me gain so much weight in 2014)



Yeah, you're probably right it might be depression / stress. Idk. I do remember being on Seroquel and oh my God, all I had to do was look at food and I'd gain 10 pounds, ffs. I had to get off of it, just because of that lol. The thing is food sounds good to me at the time, sometimes, but I can't eat anything hardly anymore. I'll go to the ballpark with my kids and get chicken fingers and fries, and....it's not a whole lot of food, really. It's three chicken fingers and a basket of fries, and I can't even finish half of it, ffs.

I hate the way my anxiety and depression plays out. Stomach problems. I can't eat. I get withdrawn sometimes, and shut down, shut people out. I'll be fine sometimes, and then the next thing I know I'm shutting myself in my apartment, for a week or two at a time.

I fucking hate having this ****. I hate it. I would seriously give up a limb, I would rather be missing an arm or a leg instead of having this sometimes. I hate it that much. I feel like my anxiety and depression holds me back in life so much....with friends, with relationships, with my kids at times, with my career. It's beyond frustrating. It's like being cursed. /rant

----------


## Cuchculan

> it is my birthday today, i had to work a looong day and my boyfriend is so stressed i don't think he even knows. It's not that i want any fuss (i hate fuss) but something small would have been nice...and i can't even be mad as he is so stressed...he is always stressed!



 
@l
 Attachment 4101

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I miss my ex-gf. I miss her smile. I miss the way she hugged me so tight that you felt like you were being suffocated lol. I miss the way her hair used to tickle my face when we spooned. I miss the way she used to kiss me when I came home from work. I miss sitting on the swing on the front lawn, and watching the sun rise. I miss sitting on the lawn chairs on the back porch and watching the sun set, with her. Sometimes doing both, without ever going to sleep. I think we went a few times without sleep, for days.

God I miss that woman, so, soooo much.

----------


## Otherside

So there I am, sat playing Elder Scrolls Online. Get a panicked call on my phone from my sister who's unable to get in touch with mum saying she almost got arrested. Turns out she didn't have a ticket or had the wrong ticket or something, and then argued with a policeman over paying the fine. Jesus I thought she had more sense than to do this. 

I've told her to pay the damn fine. Seen this story a million times. Someone tries to travel without a ticket. Gets caught. Argues. Gets removed from train and British Transport Police have a word with them. Don't pay fine. Get taken the court. Fine becomes larger and person goes to the newspapers saying "?5 train ticket became ?800".

I have not enjoyed informing my mother. Hopefully she'll talk some sense into her about paying the fine. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## fetisha

I hate getting so many of these  flashbacks of past so much of people getting angry at me *sigh*

----------


## CloudMaker

This last week I had to go from school to school with several Library Techs and we all worked as a team and worked well, it made me realize how much I hate my current situation with that woman that I helped hire and her constant competition, hatered and jealous towards me.  It sucks so bad.

 ::(:  I'm not sure what to do about it.

I've told my supervisor, but I don't know how much gets through, or how much they listen.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm really missing someone, a whole, whole lot. I can't seem to get over her, I can't seem to move on. I never knew it was possible to miss another human being this much, ffs.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I loved her so much that it hurts. It still hurts. I miss her so much there is a fucking hole in my soul.

----------


## CloudMaker

I saw a Tom Tom car today with a robot like thing on the roof ..........turning around two and fro and recording crap for driverless cars and human less futures.
The license plate was a New Hampshire., Evil  corporate anti nation-state thing.
I glared at it, like the evil satanic nonhuman thing it was.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

^ Lmao

I drive a somewhat unusual car. Not very common at all, it...gets a lot of looks lol. It bugs me sometimes. It's not like a Prius, or anything like that, it's actually pretty fast, it hauls ***. I just don't like being singled out, I don't like standing out in a crowd. Sometimes I'll take off at a stoplight without meaning to and I'll be pretty fast about it, and it gets some looks lol.

It doesn't look anything like your usual compact, or minivan, or sedan, or SUV. It's different. I don't like the fact that I get looks a lot of the time, it bugs me in some ways.

----------


## Otherside

Everytime I come up here to Scotland the question always crosses my mind. 

Is this going to be the last time I see her? Everytime I leave I'm convinced that I've just seen my grandmother for the last time.

Will the next time I'm here be a funeral? 

I'm not up here for me though. And she's actually looking quite well. She's gained weight and she ate quite a bit for dinner. We got a Chinese takeaway and she managed to eat a the noodles with some of the sauce from the other stuff on it. That in guessing the high nutrition protein shakes are working. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## fetisha

I just threw up twice tonight and I'm freaking out thanks to my hypochondriac

----------


## CloudMaker

I was so hot here this last week, that I quit going to the gym.  : (
Thank heavens it's suppose to be cooler this week.
We have only 2 more days of work.
I can hardly wait for it to be over and get a little break.\

----------


## L

2am and I cannot sleep

----------


## fetisha

I feel so fucked up now, why can't I just die already????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> I feel so fucked up now, why can't I just die already????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



I hope you feel better soon ((hugs)) to you.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

What's bothering me now is I'm trying to plan the month of July for work, and trying not to freak out too much.

June had 22 workdays in it. July has 21, but minus the July 4th holiday, and minus the two days I'm taking off around it, that leaves 18 work days. Ffs. I'm down four days before I've even started. I'm probably worrying about nothing. I mean, instead of four stores per day, it's about five. Not a huge deal. Or, I can just bust my *** the week after the 4th and catch up. It sucks not having anyone to do your job if you miss. It really sucks lol.

----------


## fetisha

> I hope you feel better soon ((hugs)) to you.



thanks, I'm ok now I have the worse morning depression ever

----------


## L

I am entering panic attack mode...yay!!!!!!!

----------


## fetisha

> I am entering panic attack mode...yay!!!!!!!



 ::(:  *hugs*

----------


## CloudMaker

I want to play some more Styx because it is difficult and takes time, and also the last Deus Ex game.  Honestly I have too many games now, and with my interwebs it takes forever to download 4 or 5 days and my puter just freezes up after a hour of nonuse.
I wish my interwebs was faster, but I don't want to pay more.  : (

----------


## fetisha

Just when I was about to take a nap and relax, I get a phone call from someone. -______-

----------


## Cuchculan

My pet hate. I am always getting into trouble for ignoring phone calls and not answering knocks on the door. If I am in nap mode the only thing that will make me move in a bomb going off. Everything else I ignore. I always say if it is important they will call back. Nothing gets in the way of a nap.

----------


## Otherside

> My pet hate. I am always getting into trouble for ignoring phone calls and not answering knocks on the door. If I am in nap mode the only thing that will make me move in a bomb going off. Everything else I ignore. I always say if it is important they will call back. Nothing gets in the way of a nap.



Nothing wrong with that. If it's really important it'll go to voicemail. Half the time the bloody phone calls are some recorded message saying "that there records show that I had an accident in the last five years that wasn't my fault and I'm entitled to compensation". 

Jesus christ I'm not always able to answer the damn phone anyway. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Otherside

Think I forgot to take my damn pills. I'm shaking a lot less which is a plus, but every single thing is making me incredibly emotional or irritating me right now. Great. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## fetisha

after doing so much research about mental illness, I realized I grew up with a narcissistic parent

----------


## CloudMaker

I  heard on the radio that bedbugs are all over the place now.  I don't think I have them, but I have cockroaches which I have to spray constantly for.  All the school libraries we went to have them, so I know I brought them home from work. I have some really bad insecticide stuff I bought from Costco that I spray around the outside of the house and the next day I see dead bugs all over.

----------


## JamieWAgain

ATM my job is bothering me, or rather 'my staff'. It's hard to get used to saying that. First time actually. They've been through so many managers and I believe they are testing me. I don't like it but it is what it is. I've been taking the time to get to know them individually as opposed to in a group. Now it's time for me to be their manager. Someone they can count on and look to for help if needed. I will subtly start becoming their manager because they need one. 
How to do it is what's bothering me.

----------


## fetisha

I seriously hate other drivers on the road, I try to be safe and not go over the speed limit (I'm not driving too slow at all ) but these idiots want to me to go faster, tailgate  and honk at me. I'm sick of this sh it and the pressure. The cops in my city are everywhere and I don't need anymore speeding tickets! ugh

----------


## Otherside

> I seriously hate other drivers on the road, I try to be safe and not go over the speed limit (I'm not driving too slow at all ) but these idiots want to me to go faster, tailgate  and honk at me. I'm sick of this sh it and the pressure. The cops in my city are everywhere and I don't need anymore speeding tickets! ugh



I've been going 60 in a 60 zone and still get people doing that to me. I'll generally drop down to 40 if they try that with me until they get the hint, or overtake and continue to drive like a maniac ahead of me. 

It's always funny that I generally see the overtakers stuck at a junction ahead of me, having saved a few seconds on there journey.

----------


## fetisha

> I've been going 60 in a 60 zone and still get people doing that to me. I'll generally drop down to 40 if they try that with me until they get the hint, or overtake and continue to drive like a maniac ahead of me. 
> 
> It's always funny that I generally see the overtakers stuck at a junction ahead of me, having saved a few seconds on there journey.



I'm glad you get it, a few people I was friends with (well former friends) say I drive too slow and shouldn't drive slow during a school zone unless it necessary or if its around 2pm( that's the time when schools out and I live really close to an elementary school) wtf?! Cops are always parked there all the time even there are no buses or kids around. I still drive under 25 mph or right on 25 during a school zone and people still tailgate me. I got a ticket once for going a litte over 25 once. I'm trying to do better but people on the road want to bully me ugh!

----------


## Lunaire

> I'm glad you get it, a few people I was friends with (well former friends) say I drive too slow and shouldn't drive slow during a school zone unless it necessary or if its around 2pm( that's the time when schools out and I live really close to an elementary school) wtf?! Cops are always parked there all the time even there are no buses or kids around. I still drive under 25 mph or right on 25 during a school zone and people still tailgate me. I got a ticket once for going a litte over 25 once. I'm trying to do better but people on the road want to bully me ugh!



This happens to me all the time too!

There are times where I've gone 10 over the limit and people still tail me. I really don't get it.  :shrug:

----------


## fetisha

> This happens to me all the time too!
> 
> There are times where I've gone 10 over the limit and people still tail me. I really don't get it.



I think they just want to speed and think they own the road or maybe they were running late I don't know. They should just either go around me or be patient cause like I said I am not getting a ticket for those idiots

----------


## Radovid

I'm bothered that I don't feel like I'm in control of what I do a lot of the time. It feels like there's a disconnect between my mind and body. I tell, insult, insist, berate, etc., myself to do things that I know I need to do, but I just won't fucking do them.

----------


## Otherside

Caught some sort of icky throat infection. Been stuck in bed with it for the last five days or so. Food currently feels as though it had sharp edges. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Otherside

> Hope you're on the mend by now



I thought I was. Then I had a pretty hellish night last night after waking up coughing and with my throat in agony several times. 

Thanks.  ::):  Got a doctor's appointment this morning and it turns out I have the joy that is tonsillitis so they've given me a whole load of antibiotics. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Otherside

> Let us know how the doctor appt goes



Thanks.  :Hug: Yeah it's tonsillitis. I'm on antibiotics for the next two weeks.

----------


## fetisha

still have pain from my tooth from removing mercury from the dentists and I can't until my bill there is paid off the end of this year or next year so he can fix the rest.

----------


## L

My new therapy is HHAARRDD

----------


## Otherside

> Yuck!!! Rest well  are you going to need them removed?



Probably not. I already had my adenoids removed when I was 5 so they really don't want to remove them.

----------


## CloudMaker

Having to work at all the schools, I was shocked at the *horrible* conditions  of most of the libraries. Some of the schools, I still think of as being "new" are in awful condition, but then I realize, the ones I think of as "new" are actually 20 years old now or older!  LOL

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Onward and upward. To infinity and beyond. Whatever lol. I do not feel like going to work today, at all. I'm just not motivated. I'm just not. My boss, and her boss, and her boss, can go fuq themselves. I'm just not getting compensated enough for what I do lol, not even close. Thank the gods it's Friday. Thank the gods I have a few more days off from this job.

Attachment 4147

----------


## fetisha

I want to hide from the world!

----------


## L

> I want to hide from the world!



Can I come. We could build a tree house.

----------


## L

Digging up old wounds is hard and now I can't sleep

----------


## Cuchculan

> Digging up old wounds is hard and now I can't sleep



Do old wounds just simply come to your mind, or is somebody reminding you of them?

----------


## Skippy

looks like my brother has cancer....

----------


## Cuchculan

> looks like my brother has cancer....



Sorry to hear that Skip. Some can be beaten. Fingers crossed.

----------


## Skippy

> Sorry to hear that Skip. Some can be beaten. Fingers crossed.



i know rite....now i dont undeestand the concept of familly as how it was fora me n how mine broke up in 1994 when i was only 13, but justin i spent my childhood with. we didnt get along well much of time but later in this time we do. if he dies tho it will still be very hard on me....

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm very sorry for your loss, Skippy.

----------


## L

> Do old wounds just simply come to your mind, or is somebody reminding you of them?



Doing a new therapy group and I have to write up on stuff and it just brings it all today the surface again.

----------


## L

> looks like my brother has cancer....



That's awful xxx wishing him the best xx

----------


## Cuchculan

> Doing a new therapy group and I have to write up on stuff and it just brings it all today the surface again.



Hope things pick up for you. Just remember it is all in the past.

----------


## fetisha

back hurts

----------


## L

> Hope things pick up for you. Just remember it is all in the past.



It may be in the past but to stop it affecting my now I have to deal with it now.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I miss her. I miss her, so, so much. I miss her touch. I miss the way her hair used to tickle my face when we spooned. I miss the way she smelled.

I didn't know it was possible to miss another human being so much, ffs. I really, really miss her  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

I said I was okay. I am not okay. I lied. Like every single fucking time you've asked, because every-time I try and admit that something's wrong and there's no goddamned reason for it beyond my brain being fucked and making me feel like crap, you dismiss it. And there's always something bigger going on with someone else who cries a lot louder. I'm made to feel selfish for the fact that I woke up this morning feeling like shit. I don't want to, you know? I'd rather wake up and feel fine. 

No, I am not okay today. I feel like [BEEP] and don't want to do anything. Again. I'm miserable. My stomach has decided that it doesn't like food today and it's once again screaming in pain. I'm stuck with tonsillitis. And whats not helping at all I woke up five times last night thanks to someone deciding to call up asking for a lift home at half one in the cocking morning, apparently incapable of using this amazing thing called a taxi (and yes. She has the money), and then calling to check if said lift, courtesy of Dad, who had to get up and go drive on one of the countries most dangerous roads to get her. 

So sorry if I'm not showing limitless sympathy. I don't have it. Especially when said person shows [BEEP] all consideration and sympathy to me.

----------


## fetisha

I wish I could stop having periods -_____-

----------


## InvisibleGuy

((hugs)) to you.

Fetisha, FWIW...if my opinion counts for anything or matters to you at all...I know you feel really up and down sometimes. And so do I. I realize, very much, how it feels to want to give up. If this site isn't helping you then stop. I take breaks now and then. Just don't give up on yourself. I've taken breaks from this site (and others) before because I get into issues that I just don't want to deal with.

----------


## Chantellabella

> I'm done with anxiteyspace and life, nothing is helping. I don't care call me a wimp I'm not going to keep living with disorder or whatever is wrong with me.



Hi my friend. I'm sorry you're struggling. Life does seem crappy when things go wrong at the same time. I practically live in a frustrated "I'm going to have a stroke" state. But I promise if you just sit back awhile and maybe focus on something you like to do, maybe things will calm down and you can get a break from whatever is frustrating you. 

I know for myself when I get really frustrated, I always end up admitting that I can't do anything about the situation (at the moment) so I put myself in time out. Or I start singing Tonight, Tonight by Hot Chelle Rae. 

It's good to see you again.

----------


## Chantellabella

Speaking of frustrations, for the past 18 months, I've dealt with grief, anger, frustration because of powerlessness in situations, and have been made to "suck it up." Life has been hard, so I take one second at a time and just try to find the good among the mess. 

Sometimes I find myself in a pity hole, but I'm still walking and finding things that make me smile. 

I've also had some long talks with whatever higher entity is out there. I don't get many responses though. I guess I'm in a holding pattern of just waiting to see. Sometimes waiting sucks.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

My stomach hurts. But. Then, again. When does my stomach not hurt.

----------


## L

Life is one big fecking bother

----------


## Chantellabella

> Life is one big fecking bother



I don't remember how to do the emoji hugs and I wish I could give you a real hug. Just know that I remember a fearless strong woman who honestly talked about her struggles here. She was honest and open about her pain. Yet, I watched her get her degree, get her job, and continue moving forward in spite of her struggles.

It was this very person who kicked me in the butt many times with the truth when I needed a reality check. 

Just wanted to remind you how important you have been in my life. You are a large part of my progress. Thank you.

 So hang in there. You're the "I get knocked down, but I get up again" poster child.  ::):

----------


## L

> I don't remember how to do the emoji hugs and I wish I could give you a real hug. Just know that I remember a fearless strong woman who honestly talked about her struggles here. She was honest and open about her pain. Yet, I watched her get her degree, get her job, and continue moving forward in spite of her struggles.
> 
> It was this very person who kicked me in the butt many times with the truth when I needed a reality check. 
> 
> Just wanted to remind you how important you have been in my life. You are a large part of my progress. Thank you.
> 
>  So hang in there. You're the "I get knocked down, but I get up again" poster child.



Oh man thank you hun, gosh you are amazing. I had some stuff happen and had some difficult choices. I'm doiing some real difficult intense therapy. It's hard but I want to believe that the world is beautiful again.

----------


## Chantellabella

One of the hardest things for me is to watch my adult children suffer while I can't do a dang thing about it. All I can do is be there to comfort them, but it seems so helpless.

I know I can't save the world.... I just wish somebody would do it for my children.

You know..... that happy ending like in Disney movies.

But I'm grateful for the help they do get.

----------


## Otherside

Throats aching again. Been getting worse all day and has been beginning to feel huge again. 

That's bad. The antibiotics had made it feel better but it seems to have decided to come back. Wonderful.c

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Chantellabella

> Throats aching again. Been getting worse all day and has been beginning to feel huge again. 
> 
> That's bad. The antibiotics had made it feel better but it seems to have decided to come back. Wonderful.c
> 
> Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk



 :Hug:

----------


## Lunaire

> Throats aching again. Been getting worse all day and has been beginning to feel huge again. 
> 
> That's bad. The antibiotics had made it feel better but it seems to have decided to come back. Wonderful.c
> 
> Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk



Hope you feel better soon! ⊂((・x・))⊃

----------


## Otherside

> 







> Hope you feel better soon! ⊂((・x・))⊃



Thanks guys. Beginning to feel better although throats just a bit itchy. Went and saw a doctor again who reckoned it wasn't the return of tonsillitis and was just gunk or something. 

So I have some bright green, rather disgusting tasting mouthwash to gargle with. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## CloudMaker

Trying to download Deus Ex Mankind Divided. I'm trying to download it now.  My puter was messed up for awhile and would freeze up if I wasn't  using it after liike 7 minutes....... It truely and deeply sucked.  I let my computer run idle for hours on end, because it's hooked up to my TV and I go back and forth.
I HATE WINDOWS !0!
I guess the last update for Nividia or Windows........let my computer unfreeze.
I HATE WINDOWS !0 plus the always intrusive Contana....... "May I help you?"  NO YOU FUCKING CAN NOT!
 Please don't tell me to get Apple.  Steve Jobs was a very sick human being.

----------


## JamieWAgain

Yes.
And also I'm getting a migraine I think because we have a 'high pollen' alert..

----------


## BrookeAshley

I'm tired of anxiety ruining every happy thing in my life, by making me fear losing it.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

What a dick. What a complete, total asshole. Ffs, ffs, ffs.

You schedule a conference call, with 50 fucking people to attend. And you are leading the conference call. And then you forget about it.

[BEEP] you.

I just lost what little respect I had for you to begin with. And so did everyone else. [BEEP] you. Me and 50 other people re-scheduled our days. So you could forget. [BEEP] you.

----------


## BrookeAshley

My daughters due date is coming and it hurts knowing it will not happen...

----------


## L

> My daughters due date is coming and it hurts knowing it will not happen...



I have no words. Be gentle with yourself x

----------


## L

> I'm losing my freaking mind today *sigh*



Hope your feeling a bit better hugs xx

----------


## BrookeAshley

I feel like my life is falling apart

----------


## InvisibleGuy

^Brooke, I hope you feel better, I know nothing I say is going to make it better. If you need someone to talk to, I'm here. I hope you find some peace. Grief is just...an impossible thing to get through, for me anyway. It never seems to end. I'm sorry for your loss. I hope you find a way to fight through it.

----------


## BrookeAshley

Thank you.

----------


## L

I so badly wish I could communicate better

----------


## Fallen18

I've been trying really hard to push my limits. But I'm starting to realize/remember why I was house bond...my anxiety causes such a roller coaster of emotions. I've been crying and having panic attacks _way_ more than usual, b/c I'm really pushing myself. And it feels so nice to be around people again, but I'm so exhausted...not to mention sad? I made it through my first interview. Somehow was hired. Made it through the drug test (though I puked by anxiously gulping down water) and the slew of paper work. Went to the bank and set up an account. But such a minor thing like a phone call to one of the higher ups tipped me over the edge. I practiced what I wanted to say for 3 hours. I'm not even joking, and once I finally had the courage up to just do it he was no longer there, it went to voice mail. But I wished I had called earlier... 

I wish my quality of life wasn't robbed by this, but at times it feel like it is.

There's tomorrow, but right now I'm feeling not so great.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> I've been trying really hard to push my limits. But I'm starting to realize/remember why I was house bond...my anxiety causes such a roller coaster of emotions. I've been crying and having panic attacks _way_ more than usual, b/c I'm really pushing myself. And it feels so nice to be around people again, but I'm so exhausted...not to mention sad? I made it through my first interview. Somehow was hired. Made it through the drug test (though I puked by anxiously gulping down water) and the slew of paper work. Went to the bank and set up an account. But such a minor thing like a phone call to one of the higher ups tipped me over the edge. I practiced what I wanted to say for 3 hours. I'm not even joking, and once I finally had the courage up to just do it he was no longer there, it went to voice mail. But I wished I had called earlier... 
> 
> I wish my quality of life wasn't robbed by this, but at times it feel like it is.
> 
> There's tomorrow, but right now I'm feeling not so great.



I struggle with the same things. I seriously do. I have really serious anxiety before ever conference call I have.

I hope you try to continue to push yourself. I hope you feel better and learn how to cope, if I had any advice I'd give it to you but I'm sry I just don't. I'm struggling with the same issues. Every time I have a conference call with my bosses, it's just, a nightmare lol.

----------


## Fallen18

^ I think the learning how to cope is one of the more difficult struggles when it comes to anxiety. I won't give up but I'm certainly very exhausted right now haha. 

I'm sorry you deal with the same thing btw, I know how crappy it feels to put it bluntly, but regardless I hope you keep pushing onwards as well.

(P.S don't apologize for the lack of advice, it's aye okay, your support was more than enough. Sometimes that's really all a person needs  ::): )

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Thank you.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Ffs, I am in serious pain, to the point where I'm even thinking about going to the emergency room. And I don't like emergency rooms, and I do not like doctors.

My stomach hurts. I mean, it really hurts. To the point where I haven't gotten much sleep. It's not letting up. It's like daggers in my stomach.

I'm afraid to go in.

My dad is seriously pissed off at me for not going to the doctor yesterday.

It hurts so bad now that I'm afraid something is wrong. This is not normal stomach pains.

----------


## CloudMaker

If you can afford it you should go to a doctor. Sorry you are in pain.

----------


## JamieWAgain

You must call your doctor today so you can have some relief from the pain. He/she may be able to prescribe you something.

Every bone in my body hurts today. Well, ok, not EVERY bone. But my back and my joints. Yesterday I had to lug a huge ladder around the store and change several bulbs in our ceiling. Next time I'm calling a handyman as it's not worth it to hurt myself.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Thank you, yeah I know. I'm lucky enough to have insurance I just have a fear of doctors, I think it's anxiety related. It's an irrational fear. It also doesn't help that it hurts so, so bad, that I'm afraid it's something besides a normal stomach ache.

----------


## JamieWAgain

Go.  You can do this.

----------


## Koalafan

> I've been trying really hard to push my limits. But I'm starting to realize/remember why I was house bond...my anxiety causes such a roller coaster of emotions. I've been crying and having panic attacks _way_ more than usual, b/c I'm really pushing myself. And it feels so nice to be around people again, but I'm so exhausted...not to mention sad? I made it through my first interview. Somehow was hired. Made it through the drug test (though I puked by anxiously gulping down water) and the slew of paper work. Went to the bank and set up an account. But such a minor thing like a phone call to one of the higher ups tipped me over the edge. I practiced what I wanted to say for 3 hours. I'm not even joking, and once I finally had the courage up to just do it he was no longer there, it went to voice mail. But I wished I had called earlier... 
> 
> I wish my quality of life wasn't robbed by this, but at times it feel like it is.
> 
> There's tomorrow, but right now I'm feeling not so great.



First, congrats on the job!!  :Celebrate:  You should be really proud of that and that alone is freaking awesome  :Hug:  though I completely understand in terms of pushing yourself beyond your limits. Mine get tested everyday, and having all these anxiety disorders makes even the simplest things 100x harder  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

If anyone here is on zoloft let me give you a bit of advise. 

Eat something before you take it. 

My throat is on fire right now. Google is not helping, and just directs me to a Daily Mail article about a hole being burnt in someone's throat by a pill. Certainly, it feels as though a hole is being burnt in my throat. 

Gonna go take some antacids and see if that helps get rid of the burning. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

----------


## Fallen18

> First, congrats on the job!!  You should be really proud of that and that alone is freaking awesome  though I completely understand in terms of pushing yourself beyond your limits. Mine get tested everyday, and having all these anxiety disorders makes even the simplest things 100x harder



Thanks Mike  :Hug:  I appreciate it, I got hired for cashier position in retail. In the mall. So I'm kinda nervous about that (especially around the holidays). Orientation is tomorrow & I'm trying to convince myself I'll be completely fine lol. Just hoping I can do the job. Not only that but I hope my coworkers don't dislike me right off the bat. My manager could tell I was anxious (which I was, but I thought I held it together well) he brought it up jokingly a few times....but I know that he doesn't want it to interfere with work. I really just don't want to be thrown into it and be told to swim while having no clue what to do, but that may happen.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Ffs, what a day. I missed work today, for the first time in well over a year. Started by seeing my family doc, because of nausea and stomach pains from hell. He took my vitals and my numbers were so far off he told me to leave and go straight to the emergency room, which I did. I spent all fucking day there. And got poked and prodded everywhere you can imagine. And, at the end of the day, they found nothing. Again. She referred me to a stomach doctor so I'm making an appointment with them tomorrow.

This will be the third doctor I've seen in a week's time. I hate doctors. I really hate doctors. Did I mention that I hate doctors? There is no telling what this specialist might want to do. I already had the ER docs finger up my *** today. Two IVs, on my right arm one in the back of my left hand. Had an MRI. Had blood drawn twice. Had my stomach mashed on by so many docs and nurses I've lost count.

This dumb*** nurse actually waited for me to come out of the bathroom, and THEN tell me she needed a urine sample. I explained I had just gone and she said "well we'll have to insert a small catheter then". As if they make small catheters. I managed to go an hour later because there's no way that was happening.

I really don't want to have to get scoped by this new doc. But it wouldn't surprise me if he wanted to do it. Or torture me in some other way.

----------


## Skippy

Feeling really down tonite. im just getting tired of this world.

----------


## Otherside

Rude [BEEP] three places behind me in the queue at the chemist. Oh I'm so bloody sorry that you've been waiting thirty seconds and aren't getting immediate fucking service from the dispenser. Get over yourself. 

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

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## InvisibleGuy

There are pluses and minuses to living alone. Right now I'm at my parents' house with my three kids for the weekend, and we're having fun but there's also just about zero alone time. I'll be ready for some when I drop them off tonight.

And then I'll go back to my apartment and miss them, and wish we were together. Actually I'll miss them as soon as I drop them off.

----------


## Chantellabella

I get frustrated and sad that people argue over things that truly don't matter. 

Whatever happened to "live and let live?"

Opinions are neither right nor wrong. 

My grandmother had a saying............."People have two things....an opinion and an asshole. And [BEEP] is the result of both."

(btw, I've been looking at You Tube comments again. I need to stop doing that.)

----------


## L

I thought about it for a second yesterday....shit!!!

----------


## Chantellabella

> I thought about it for a second yesterday....shit!!!



Hang in there, my friend.

----------


## Otherside

Shaking like a leaf today. Trying to make dinner was fun. Try chopping stuff when you're shaking. 

I mean it's just wonderful. I can't take the drug that would stop this because I'm allergic. And I can't come off the pill that makes me shake cos I'll end up in hospital. It's just wonderful. 

Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk

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## Sagan

It's called reverse 911. It has a purpose.

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## Chantellabella

> So I just answered my phone at home at it was the sheriffs office with  recorded warning about some chick on the loose. 
> Don't call me about that crap!!! !!
> All those losers look the same.
> I hope that stupid broad dies soon.
> I'm never going to answer my door for them, so why send me a phone message?



Prisoners are not losers and they don't all look the same. They also don't deserve to die just like you or I don't deserve to die. 

Sorry, your post just hit a sore spot and that's what's bothering me. 

This is the thread for that, right?

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## Chantellabella

> It's called reverse 911. It has a purpose.



 :Hug:

----------


## fetisha

I guess I am going to have to deal with drivers honking behind me since  I am driving the correct speed limit and trying so hard not to get a ticket. Why is it such a crime to not drive so fast unlike the other drivers that love to speed like crazy?! -____-

----------


## Skippy

i need to sleep and i cant

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm anxious. Don't know if I'm gonna be able to sleep much tonight. Anxious about having an upper GI tomorrow. Basically I'll be put under general anesthesia (thank God) and have a tube with a little camera rammed down my throat, and God knows what else. I'm just anxious, even though I'll be asleep for the whole thing. Also anxious that they might find something wrong.

I hate doctors.

----------


## SmileyFace

I hate my job  ::\:

----------


## Otherside

I think of all the stupid solutions I've heard on how to deal with the feeling of panic, "well you're just going to have to get over it" is probably the stupidest. 

Yeah thanks. I'll try that. 

Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk

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## Koalafan

So, I've apparently become hyper-sensitive to caffeine as of late. Even a decaf coffee will send my mental state through the roof >_< I guess me and coffee where just never meant to be  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

I'm not anxious about something in particularly. 

I am anxious about something which may or may not happen tomorrow that may or may not cause me to have a pretty bad reaction. 

Feels like anxiety is just going in circles. 

Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk

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## InvisibleGuy

I'm worried about my twins starting high school in a week. I know they'll do fine. They always do. They fight sometimes, but they love each other and they have each other's backs, always.

I just hope their freshman year goes OK. Or as OK as it can go, considering it's their freshman year lol. They're growing up too damn fast, already talking about drivers licenses and cars and they're only 14 ffs. Slow down. I have enough grey hair as it is.

----------


## Otherside

How can you sit there and tell me that you know better than I do what's bothering me? 

I tell you whats bothering me - I'm fed up with shaking and the fact that the shaking is getting in the way of my life. That the solutions to the shaking are two things which are essentially impossible. One involves coming off the cause of the problem - Sodium Valproate. That would result in me ill again. 

The second involves taking another drug, Procyladine. It's supposed to _stop_ the shaking. Would be great, if it wasn't for one thing. I am allergic to it. As in actually, properly allergic. When I took it, it caused a range of symptoms starting with confusion, blurred vision, agitation, and ended up with me passing out on the bathroom floor. (I actually had one doctor tell me that I should have continued to take it. Seriously?!)

So forgive me if I feel a bit doomed to shake, feel a bit fed up with the whole thing sometimes, especially when it begins to interfere in my life, hate the thought that there's a good chance I will be on this drug for life, and want to feel a bit sorry for myself. Yes, I am aware other people have it worse. I could name a few that do have it worse. That does not lessen how much I hate this shaking, and "consider yourself lucky" does [BEEP] all to help. 

You tell me that's not what is _actually_ bothering me. No I'm depressed because I failed. Yes, let's simplify the problem, shall we?

----------


## fetisha

A lot of things are bothering me now.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Things are going pretty well, not a lot bothering me right now (for a change). My family is still all over me to finish my degree. I'm putting it off. I'm waiting until my job slows down a little more. At least, that's my excuse for right now. The truth is, I dropped out of college once (I was working too much), so I'm afraid to go back now, over 20 years later. I need to just get over the fear and do it though. Tuition and books would be totally paid for. I just need to do it.

----------


## Koalafan

> I was about to post the same thing!  I've been drinking it for many years without probs and the last couple months, I'd been noticing bad symptoms.  But I'm still seeing if I can deal with decaf.



It sucks, considering that it actually use to be really helpful with helping me concentrate but now only causes insane anxiety reactions >_< hopefully you can handle decaf! Coffee is so damn delicious, not easy to give up  :Tongue:

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

I'm in a manic phase, but it's not a happy one just an out of control one.

----------


## Cuchculan

> damn insomnia



Best thing about Insomnia is there is only 3 sleeps till Christmas.

----------


## Cuchculan

> Got up at 7am yesterday and don't get home till 4:30 am today, and up by 9am, my head is pounding! : c



Hope things improve for you. Looked like an ' OUCH ' kind of lump.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> Got up at 7am yesterday and don't get home till 4:30 am today, and up by 9am, my head is pounding! : c



Hope you feel better Kay ((hugs))

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm feeling pretty good. Not much bothering me. For once  ::):

----------


## Cuchculan

> I don't get it...




Insomniacs don't sleep much. Was a joke about this. The plus side of it was there was only 3 more sleeps till Christmas. Work it out. Joke is lost when you have to explain it. LOL

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

I want to talk to someone but have nothing good to say.

And I keep wanting to leave the skype group I'm in. They're probably the people I'm closest too but I want to leave the conversation so badly. I don't know why, it's so confusing, makes me think I'm just not meant to be close to people, even online, and that sorta sucks. I don't know how to talk about today or any of the other terrible days without sounding dramatic...

----------


## CloudMaker

So the one of the Neighbors.. I don't know who, because for a 1 bedroom I've seen maybe 10 different people and 20 different cars parked around there had major vandalism.  Someone spray painted their car with maybe 2 cans of Yellow paint.  That was the reason for a 4 police car and 1 crime scene van presence this morning.
The cops came over to question me and I told them I heard nothing last night.  I run a fan all night.....( I know fan-death).and my cameras are turned off while I'm at home, plus their night-time stuff isn't all that great.
The cop keep saying "you didn't hear anything?  It took a long time to do that much damage"........No I didn't hear anything, and I've been robbed in the middle of the day and no one saw anything wrong at my place with all the illegal baby-breeders laying around.  JEBUS
Probably a drug deal gone wrong, a failed romance..........IDK take your pick.
I hope they don't come back and hit my car.
I so wanted to take a pic of that chick/dudes f**ked up car, but couldn't..........
Also today at work got bombarded with people and calls looking for Solar Eclipse glasses.  NASA or whatever only sent maybe 60 pair.  Those pairs were given away last week to children only.
Build a projector box like us old people did back in the day. JEBUS,
DON"T USE YOUR PHONE!!!  It will blow your phone out.
Why are people so stupid now?
The sun is dangerous ..........OK?
Like really, really, bright.........OK?

----------


## L

I fee like I am just wasting my life away one day at a time

----------


## JamieWAgain

I want to punch my asst on the head. She's annoying me so much and  she's done nothing wrong. So sweet. Ugh. She's driving me crazy

----------


## JamieWAgain

Oh my gosh. She won't shut up. I wonder if the solar eclipse makes people mean?

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> Oh my gosh. She won't shut up. I wonder if the solar eclipse makes people mean?



Lol. I am so, so, so glad I work alone. Good luck to you. Patience is a virtue lol.

I don't get the whole obsession over the solar eclipse. I mean, yeah, it's pretty cool, don't get me wrong. But there are people that traveled thousands of miles and camped out for days, to see a few minutes of this. And I watched some of it on the news....there were people who traveled thousands of miles and it was so overcast, so cloudy they couldn't even see the sun. Dafuq? I'd be mad if I drove all that way. To see nothing.

----------


## Cuchculan

How often does such a thing happen? They are rare. Last full one we had in Ireland I was a teen. Next full one I won't be around to see it. I will be long since dead. I think that is why people like to watch them. Tough on them if they do travel and there are clouds. Waste of a trip. They will probably never see one again. Hence the mad rush to see this one.

----------


## Skippy

I dunno if i ever felt this bad in my life....This is like extremely off the scale bad. I'm just not sure I can cope no more

----------


## InvisibleGuy

It looks like the hurricane is going to hit west of Houston, but I'm still worried as fuq. They're forecasting 20 inches of rain. That's too much, everyone is just gonna be so fuqd. It floods really badly in Houston. If two women cry at the same time in Houston, it floods. I may not be able to work Monday. I may not be able to go anywhere.

----------


## L

Walked in on someone pulling the piss out of me today  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

I'm living with a thief.

One month to go until I've moved away.

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## CloudMaker

Ԁ͸ȁAccidentally walked into a metal drain pipe at work today and broke Ԁ͸Ȃ a couple of toes 😥🚶🔨

No use going to the Doctor not much they can do for toes except wrap them up and I don't want to pay several hundred dollars for that

Attachment 4298

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## lethargic nomad

> I'm living with a thief.
> 
> One month to go until I've moved away.




What did they take?

----------


## Otherside

> What did they take?



It's been a problem thats been going on for a while. 

Has been money before (cash that I had in my wallet). Was an expensive pair of headphones I got from dad as a christmas gift this time. 

It's not so much the value of them that irks me, it's more the fact that it was a gift.

----------


## Antidote

> It's been a problem thats been going on for a while. 
> 
> Has been money before (cash that I had in my wallet). Was an expensive pair of headphones I got from dad as a christmas gift this time. 
> 
> It's not so much the value of them that irks me, it's more the fact that it was a gift.



Is that your sister? I remember you wrote a thread about her stealing stuff. Hope you get out of there soon.

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## CloudMaker

> It's been a problem thats been going on for a while. 
> 
> Has been money before (cash that I had in my wallet). Was an expensive pair of headphones I got from dad as a christmas gift this time. 
> 
> It's not so much the value of them that irks me, it's more the fact that it was a gift.



This is why I live ALONE!! I've been stolen from too many times!!

You can't trust people and it's better to be alone IMO.

----------


## Otherside

> Is that your sister? I remember you wrote a thread about her stealing stuff. Hope you get out of there soon.



Yeah this was the same person.  :-_-: 





> This is why I live ALONE!! I've been stolen from too many times!!
> 
> You can't trust people and it's better to be alone IMO.







> I agree and im so glad brother moved out, he is such a bum who blames everyone but himself!



I'm moving out in a month, thankfully. I've paid the deposit, signed the contract and been given a date that I can move in. Just gotta wait for that now I guess.

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## lethargic nomad

I've never had a roommate steal anything from me, not even food.  I lived with many many different people too. Most have just been annoying or bossy.  Either they are slobs, noisy TV addicts, make stinky meals frequently, or super anal retentive about leaving dishes in the sink.

----------


## L

> I'm living with a thief.
> 
> One month to go until I've moved away.



Your sister again?  Bloody hell!!!

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Very, very worried about my parents. They issued a mandatory evacuation for their neighborhood....which is literally hundreds, thousands of houses....and he's refusing to leave. The old man is so goddamned stubborn, he will NOT ask for help. He's so, so "old school" in that way. His mentality is "I can take care of my family I don't need help from anyone". And he's usually right, but right now I'm afraid he might not be able to.

To be honest, he really can't take my mom to a shelter. She's wheelchair-bound. She has a whole, whole lot of disabilities and the shelters are having a hard enough time taking care of healthy, "normal" people that don't take a dozen different meds every day and that can walk on their own.

I'm worried. They're trapped in their neighborhood. Sherriff deputies came to their door, their neighbor's door last night and said if you don't leave now, you're on your own, we won't be able to come back here to help you. I can't get there....there's no way in or out right now. I'm really, really anxious and really worried.

----------


## JamieWAgain

Oh my Gosh!!  That's horrible. I'm worried for you. The whole world is worried for you. Can you tell your father that he will be responsible for your mother's demise if something should happen?  He might be in shock from this. I would be. I think maybe call the sheriff and let him know ( or her) about your mom?  They can get her out. Florida sent over today hundreds of flat bottomed boats...you're in my prayers. Everyone in Texas is in my prayers.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

^ Thank you for the prayers. Tbh, like I said before, my mom probably would not do very well at all in a shelter, she has too many needs, on top of being in a wheelchair.

He has two neighbors that live in 2 story houses that have offered him shelter. One neighbor evacuated and left the keys to their house for them.

It's just a very, very anxiety-provoking situation. I can't sleep. I can't eat right now. I hear helicopters going over my house every twenty or thirty minutes, flying really, really low. I'm really blessed that I'm OK. I feel so bad for people that have lost everything, there are thousands of people in Houston that have nothing, absolutely nothing left but the clothes on their backs. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Hopefully things will improve.

----------


## JamieWAgain

I understand your anxiety. I wish you weren't alone. Do you have a friend you can ride this out with, so to speak so your not isolated. I have been watching the news non stop when I'm not working as it's just unprecedented. It seems as if funds will be released immediately for immediate basic care. This is life changing. Life altering. Before and after. Florida Salvation Army is there now and they know how to handle disasters. You have many positives in a very negative situation. We're having a telethon locally and raising money and Trump said he will make sure the money is flowing. You have the best of the best cabinet members with hands and feet on the ground. There IS hope. (((( hugs)))). You can pm me if you want to talk.

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## Cuchculan

@InvisibleGuy
 Hope everything turns out OK come the end of the day. Some folks can be like that. Thinking they can ride any kind of storm out. It sure is bad over there. Wishing you all the best as far as safety is concerned. Anybody would be anxious in the same situation. Can't see your Dad putting your mother's life at risk. Though food and drinking water would be my only major concern. How much they have in the house. Water can be become contaminated in flooded areas. Hope all ends well for all concerned.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

^^ Thank you both for well wishes and for your concerns, water is receding in my parents' neighborhood, but the river by their house is rising and that's the concern right now. Hopefully levy will hold. They have a 42' RV that they can evacuate in, with full kitchen, tv, fridge, generator, everything, and I just tried to talk my dad into taking it but no such luck. I don't think he wants to leave his house.

Thanks for the prayers. It's hard for me to get an idea of what's really going on cos like I said my dad does not ever, ever ask for help. He says they're OK but I don't know what that really means, Idk if they're really OK. Since the water receded there's one road in and out of his neighborhood but that's about to flood again, very soon they will be living on an island again, no way in, no way out, maybe for days. I'm worried oc but also starting to feel really angry, Idk why he didn't evacuate. Idk why he's not evacuating now. I don't understand.

----------


## JamieWAgain

I can't imagine what you are going through. I know you suffer from PTSD and this certainly would cause or trigger reoccurrences. Anger is most likely a natural process as you yourself come to terms with what is happening. You have no control in a very deadly situation. I'm validating all of your thoughts as it's truly unimaginable for me. Hopefully your father will evacuate today. My daughter has a friend with a newborn, other small children and many animals. This is a friend from her online moms group. She was posting that she was taking on more water and was getting too weak to continue holding her infant. The animal rescue team rescued all of them 15 minutes ago. Even the pigs and the dogs. Not sure where her husband was. My thoughts are with you and your family. Truly apoplectic. (Sp)

----------


## InvisibleGuy

^ I hope your friend and her baby are alright. Thoughts and prayers are with everyone. Again, I feel blessed to be ok, I feel blessed to be dry and with food and water and my family is ok (so far). My boss called me yesterday and again today to tell me to NOT go into work, she doesn't want me to end up stranded somewhere.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Is strange but one of the things that has (again) made me realize, with this storm, is how few friends I have irl and how very few people I have to call lol.

I'm laughing at myself, but it is really pretty sad. Anxiety, and the defense mechanisms I have....they have shut a lot of people out. A lot of potential friends. If you don't understand that then I would just have to guess that you and I experience anxiety on a whole different level, and in an entirely different way. I realize everyone experiences this anxiety stuff differently. I get that. But a whole, whole lot of us get it from trauma, from child abuse, from going through and somehow surviving pure hell, often at times when we're not emotionally capable of dealing with it, due to our age or whatever.

Anyway I'm reading fb posts of tons, and tons of friends and family who are leaning on each other, and I don't have very many real friends, and I'm not feeling sorry for myself...please understand it's my own damn fault. What I'm saying is, my anxiety keeps people at a distance. And situations like this make that fact painfully obvious. And I'm sure I'm not the only one. It sucks. It really, really sucks lol.

----------


## JamieWAgain

Wow IG. I can totally relate. I don't have many friends and it is because I only know how to keep people at a distance. I don't let people in but I want to. It just doesn't happen. It's like an automatic invisible wall that goes up if you try to get close. I can tell that people in real life now are trying to be my friend and I'm falling into a pattern of pushing them away. It's sad but I'm trying really hard with my neighbors, and a few women at work and people from my committee work. I'm trying but it's not easy because most of the time I don't know I'm doing it. Anyway, you are not alone. My little brother-- 6'5 so not so little, but he does this too. You're a great guy with a great heart. That's what matters. (( hugs))

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Well thank you. I feel like I have a lot of walls too, and Idk how to take them down, I'm so set in my ways now, I'm 47 years old lol. I try to think about dating sometimes....or, just making more friends, just putting myself out there more, just to have more friends and the idea of it just makes me want to run. I won't go into reasons why cos I could fill up pages, and pages, but it all seems to come back to trust issues and defense mechanisms and blah, blah, blah. I'll just stop now before I start sounding like my therapist, ffs. But, she's right. Most of the time, she's right.

A lot of what makes me think about this, esp lately, is my aunt. She's a really awesome, really cool woman, someone I'd be so, so happy to call a friend, and she has invited me over to their place so many times. To just drink a beer, hang out, whatever. And I always say no, I push her away, like I do everyone. She texted me throughout the storm to see how I was doing. Oc I texted her back. But I keep her at arms length.

The funny thing is....she knows everything about me. She knows I ran away from home when I was 16. She knows I had a really, really nasty coke habit. She knows I've been in drug rehabs and psych hospitals.

So. What is there to hide? Why am I so afraid to get closer to her, or anyone else? I think it's because I think I'm too broken. I'm too broken for relationships, for friendships, I'm too messed up, and I don't want to mess anyone else up. I really think, that a lot of the time, that's what keeps me from getting close.

I have issues lol.

----------


## JamieWAgain

I think you need to be really gentle with yourself. Look how far you've come. You're clean from drugs, getting help for your anxiety, etc and have a regular, steady, good job. You're a great dad and reach out to others here. That's what I see. 10 years ago (?) I was in a psyche ward, attempted suicide many times but now I'm productive, have a wonderful job and have great relationship with both my daughters. I'm gentle with myself. I try to be. If it takes me having walls up for me to survive and succeed then that's ok. I think you're wonderful and when you're ready someday, you'll be ready to meet a young woman and walk through life with her. 
Baby steps.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

^ Thank you. Thank you for the kind words. Your posts are awesome and though we don't always agree I always read your posts, they're really insightful and thoughtful and profound and very, very much worth reading. (((hugs))) back to you and thank you again for the kind words.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I fucking hate confrontations. I fucking hate them.

Did I mention that I hate confrontations?

The apartment above me, on the third floor, is cursed. It is fucking cursed.

The college party girls have moved out, thank the gods, and I'm not missing their parties that spilled down into the second floor. I'm not missing her having sex with her female friend. No guys. It was not a turn-on. It was actually very fucking annoying and very sexually frustrating.

Anyway now I don't miss them. But the new couple that moved in is a nightmare. I just went upstairs. They were being loud, fighting....very, very loud. I told the guy that if they didn't calm the [BEEP] down I was gonna call the cops and I was really, really angry, so angry that he backed down. He apologized. Several times.

Ffs?! !?!?!!

Get a clue........act like an adult, ffs.......

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Now I'm that angry old man that lives downstairs. Shaking his cane. Yelling at those loud kids to quiet down.

Beautiful.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

God tomorrow is gonna be crazy busy. All this last minute stuff, ffs.

My car battery dies so it's too late to pick up my kids tonight, had to reschedule for tomorrow. It's an hour to my kids' house, then at least 45 minutes to my parents' house. It's just too late.

I have to pick them up and be on the other side of Houston at 9:00am for a golf lesson, then we're gonna play golf. And 9:00am is not a big deal, pick them up at 7:30...but I have to get three teenagers in the car, with their stuff for the weekend, at 7:30am on a Saturday, ffs, that's not easy.

After golf I have to take my youngest all the way across Houston again for a party. Then come back and pick her up and go to a Houston Dynamo game at 7:30pm. Fuq me.

My sister does this kind of **** every weekend with her kids. She'd probably laugh at me if she heard me complaining about tomorrow's schedule. I don't know how she does it every weekend, I really don't.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Ffs. Let's hope today goes well. Please, ffs, let's let today go OK. I'm not asking for amazing. Just. OK.

----------


## JamieWAgain

I hope you had a nice day.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

@Jamie you're still very much in my prayers, and thoughts, all day today. Please stay safe.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

What's bothering me right now doesn't even matter. I feel really silly and childish and selfish even thinking about my problems right now, with all that's going on with Hurricane Irma and the people still recovering from Hurricane Harvey (that's not to say I don't have problems, and it's not to say that anyone shouldn't vent about them....that's just how I personally feel right now, that's just me).

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I think I'm about to delete my facebook account. I mean, a whole lot of people are leaving fb anyway, fuq it.

This is getting complicated though. I don't post there very much, at all. But my dad is on fb now. It's getting complicated because I have to really watch what I post. Not that I have anything to hide, I don't. I just have to watch what I post, about my ex-wife, everything.

Yep. I need to delete my account.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

There are things my dad doesn't know about and, honestly, it's better off that way.

He doesn't know that my oldest daughter is bi. He doesn't know that I slept with someone I used to work with, and then almost dated another woman who I worked with very recently. He's very, very old school lol and the old man wouldn't be happy with any of those things. You can't talk to him about some things, you just can't.

My oldest daughter came out to me a while ago and my dad still doesn't know of course. She can tell him if she wants to and that's totally her decision of course, it's not my place to do that. But I don't think he'd handle it very well. My daughter and I have talked about how he would react.

He's actually made some very, very ugly comments before about LGBTQ community and I resent him, very much for doing that. I'm in a position where I can't say a whole lot though. I do speak up, but if I say too much, if I get too outspoken he's going to start questioning why. I don't want to out my daughter.

It's issues like this that make me think it's just a really bad idea to keep my fb account.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I am just not even going to apologize to anyone for how I feel anymore.

If you don't understand where I am, and where I'm coming from then go see a shrink  ::):  And what I mean by that is....have some perspective, a little empathy. 

I lost my girl, I lost my girl and I watched her die in front of me, ffs. I watched her get taken away in an ambulance. I had to be dragged off of the middle of our driveway.

This isn't directed at anyone in particular, but if you don't have some empathy then stay away from me. Goodbye. See ya.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I don't want to even know you.

----------


## Otherside

Spent the last couple of days with my gut in pain. I have drunk god knows how much peppermint tea, been taking Mebeverine, drinking a large amount of fybogel (which helps slightly but just causes other problems), and spent most of the last few days hugging a hot water bottle. Seems like I eat anything? Stomach cramps. Fucks sake.

I'd try and go back to the doctor about that, but that [BEEP] of receptionist who seems to have appointed herself the almighty encyclopedia of medical conditions and what is urgent and what is not, will probably tell me that "no I don't need to see a doctor quickly" and will probably give me an appointment for next frigging month. Helpful given that I'm moving house. Of course, the part where I have a "Admission avoidance plan" on file which means I should be seen seems to go straight over her head.  :-_-: 

Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk

----------


## Koalafan

> Spent the last couple of days with my gut in pain. I have drunk god knows how much peppermint tea, been taking Mebeverine, drinking a large amount of fybogel (which helps slightly but just causes other problems), and spent most of the last few days hugging a hot water bottle. Seems like I eat anything? Stomach cramps. Fucks sake.
> 
> I'd try and go back to the doctor about that, but that [BEEP] of receptionist who seems to have appointed herself the almighty encyclopedia of medical conditions and what is urgent and what is not, will probably tell me that "no I don't need to see a doctor quickly" and will probably give me an appointment for next frigging month. Helpful given that I'm moving house. Of course, the part where I have a "Admission avoidance plan" on file which means I should be seen seems to go straight over her head. 
> 
> Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk



Bah stomach issues. I am all too familiar with that  ::(:  I've gone through my own personal hell when it comes to GI issues >_<

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> Spent the last couple of days with my gut in pain. I have drunk god knows how much peppermint tea, been taking Mebeverine, drinking a large amount of fybogel (which helps slightly but just causes other problems), and spent most of the last few days hugging a hot water bottle. Seems like I eat anything? Stomach cramps. Fucks sake.
> 
> I'd try and go back to the doctor about that, but that [BEEP] of receptionist who seems to have appointed herself the almighty encyclopedia of medical conditions and what is urgent and what is not, will probably tell me that "no I don't need to see a doctor quickly" and will probably give me an appointment for next frigging month. Helpful given that I'm moving house. Of course, the part where I have a "Admission avoidance plan" on file which means I should be seen seems to go straight over her head. 
> 
> Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk



I know what it's like to be in pain like that and I hope you feel better. I understand the frustration with doctors, I totally get that. I recently made (forced) myself to go to a gastroenterologist and he gave me some meds that help. Not all the time, but sometimes it seems to help. It's actually a stomach med that helps reduce acid and you aren't supposed to take it for more than four days at a time but my doc has told me to take it every day. Like, for the rest of my f-ing life. He also gave me something to fight nausea and I also take some OTC stuff to fight nausea.

I have found some things that helped, by not giving up, by being very, very persistent and seeing tons of doctors (along with ER visits)....I've found a few meds that have given me some relief, and even if they only work once a week or even less, well, to me that's better than having nothing, so my advice would be to not give up.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I really do not want to give out the names of the meds, btw, esp because my doc is telling me to use them more than as directed. And meds effect everyone very, very differently of course, and there are side effects and other complications and I don't feel comfortable giving out the names of the meds I take, even for something as "simple" as stomach issues. Otherwise I wouldn't have an issue with it, at all.

----------


## Otherside

Thanks. Hopefully this will go soon. 

And no worries about not giving out the names of the meds. I don't give out the list of the ones that I take. Unfortunately, some people always seem to try and copy prescriptions, and in some cases, that can end up being dangerous. 

Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk

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## InvisibleGuy

Ffs, it's 10:00pm on a Saturday night and I realize I'm old as fuq, but people outside are getting loud. I mean, loud, loud as fuq. I hope it's not the new neighbors. I bet you it's the new neighbors, I'd bet my life on it. Somebody's gonna call the cops. Not me, but someone will.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

OK someone went down there and told them to stfu.

They were at the pool, just having a good time, and I have no problem with that, whatsoever....but I live a little ways away from the pool here. And I could hear them in my apartment, windows and doors shut I could hear them.

Somebody got really pissed off and either called the cops or went down there and told them to shut up lol.

Are you that drunk or that stupid? It's got to be one or the other. To realize no one can hear you screaming like that?

Let me guess. You're that drunk. And. You're that stupid.

----------


## Fallen18

The sad feels u_u honestly as much as I tell myself I can do without, I miss having friends. I miss my old friends and I wish I wasn't so socially/emotionally closed off where I could make new ones. Idk why I woke up so sad? Maybe it was because yesterday I ran errands by myself. Which is honestly relaxing to me I don't mind it....but I was alone (around people) for a good 4-5 hours. Then I came home from my only day off from work to do h.w by myself, and now I'm going to head to work today....where I'll most likely be by myself...though sometimes I prefer that because my coworkers don't seem to like me. Some of them do, but I've had my bosses shi* talk me to my coworkers while I was there remarking about how I'm quiet then I have this other girl who hates me for 0 reason & went out of her way when I saw her randomly in public to be rude.  Some other guy who makes fun of me to his friends but is nice to my face. Overall just not fun, but that's life.

There's always this struggle with me of yearning to have decent relationships with other people, to be around them, but also wanting to be left alone. It's kinda lonely.

----------


## Koalafan

> The sad feels u_u honestly as much as I tell myself I can do without, I miss having friends. I miss my old friends and I wish I wasn't so socially/emotionally closed off where I could make new ones. Idk why I woke up so sad? Maybe it was because yesterday I ran errands by myself. Which is honestly relaxing to me I don't mind it....but I was alone (around people) for a good 4-5 hours. Then I came home from my only day off from work to do h.w by myself, and now I'm going to head to work today....where I'll most likely be by myself...though sometimes I prefer that because my coworkers don't seem to like me. Some of them do, but I've had my bosses shi* talk me to my coworkers while I was there remarking about how I'm quiet then I have this other girl who hates me for 0 reason & went out of her way when I saw her randomly in public to be rude.  Some other guy who makes fun of me to his friends but is nice to my face. Overall just not fun, but that's life.
> 
> There's always this struggle with me of yearning to have decent relationships with other people, to be around them, but also wanting to be left alone. It's kinda lonely.



Sending a hug over there!  :Hug:  And man do I know the feels >_< it's a daily struggle between wanting to be left alone and wanting to connect with people (usually the left alone side of me always wins lol). I absolutely love being alone and doing things on my own but there's such a large amount of animosity towards people that have a thriving social life, and are able to connect with other people. It's like a super power they don't realize they have >_<

----------


## Fallen18

> Sending a hug over there!  And man do I know the feels >_< it's a daily struggle between wanting to be left alone and wanting to connect with people (usually the left alone side of me always wins lol). I absolutely love being alone and doing things on my own but there's such a large amount of animosity towards people that have a thriving social life, and are able to connect with other people. It's like a super power they don't realize they have >_<



Thanks for the needed hug lol and I know it's a little bit lonely. Especially when I work with a group of people & I'm the only odd one out that's sorta excluded from the conversation so I just awkwardly smile/laugh out of the circle while everyone else converses. I suppose that's my fault though...-I could go out of my way to try to hop in, but it's duating to say the least. Being an introvert doesn't necessarily mean I don't like being around people, I genuinely enjoy getting to know people. However I tend to just get drained a bit faster then say an extrovert. So in a sense I like to be alone to decompress when I'm tired, but I'm not immune to loneliness and I get sad when I'm alone for too long.

----------


## Otherside

I've lived in this house since I was eight. I'm not exactly a tidy person and I don't get rid of much.

Came across stuff from back when I was really ill whilst packing up. Man, that was depressing. Don't like having to think much about then. 

Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk

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## Cuchculan

One of those days. You just wake up anxious. Had a fair bit to to do too. Which never helps on such days. Places that had queues of people. Which I hate as a rule. I always call them good days to clear your insides out. TMI. But [BEEP] happens. Pardon the pun. Now I have to eat in a few minutes. Typical of a Wednesday. Now I can simply do nothing for the rest of the day. Just downing plenty of fluids. After the morning burn out.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Oh. Kay. Less than four years to go before I do not have to deal with my ex any more. Less than four years before my twins turn 18.

Ffs. I swear she makes things as difficult as possible. It's really a very, very simple process. We both know when I'm picking up the kids for visitation. If there's a problem, let me know. If there's an after school activity, let me know, we'll work it out. This is not rocket science. But she fucking makes it rocket science.

For example, I refuse to believe she doesn't have any idea when my daughter will be done with ROTC Saturday. No idea. That's total bull****.

Another example, I call her to work out the Saturday ROTC issue.....and she brings up me moving closer to her, and wants to get into an extended conversation as to why I don't live closer to my children. Like I don't care about them or something because I live so far away from them. I live 40 minutes away from them lol. So. I suggest that she tells me of a good neighborhood that's closer, and she's just dumbfounded, she has no answer. I can see the glazed look in her eyes while she's trying to think of a place while we're talking on the phone.

For. Fuqs. Sake. It's like she tries to make all of this as difficult as possible. We got a plan in place and she wanted to keep talking and I finally said I have to go.....

----------


## Chantellabella

Year 3 of living behind the AGGIE ASSHOLES FROM HELL! They're shooting again in the yard (which faces mine) and shot a feral cat. They were filming it being shot and were laughing. These people have shot up my shed almost shot me in the head, thrown dildos into my yard, had wild loud screaming orgies in their yard and shoot anything that moves in their backyard. Tonight they killed one of the feral cats my neighbor and I were feeding. 

And the Bryan Police's finest bungled their job for the 50th time. I won't go into details becuase it will give me a stroke. Let's just say that if get shot by the neighbors I'm going to be owning this town.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Mother fqr.

Go fuq yourself.

Go fuq yourself.

No one likes you, no one. I have fuqing run out of insults for you, go fuq yourself.f. I fuqing hate you. YOU stole my idea, you painted it black, then you came back and re-painted it something else.

Fuq you.

----------


## Otherside

Genius quote from my flatmate. 

"I think I might have bipolar, I get so angry sometimes when people snore."

Aww, diddums.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

1

----------


## InvisibleGuy

:off topic:

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I hate my life.

I hate myself.

I hate this whole world.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I just.

Want.

It.

To.

End.

I really do.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I cannot stop cyring, ffs.

and I don't want to do anyting to hurt my kids. I won't do anything to hurt my kids. I love my kids, so much.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I

Fucking

Hate

This

I cannot

Take

Much
More

Of 

This.....

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I hate htis [BEEP] this

fick
this


fuchk this 
fich

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Here is a big fuq you, if you've never been given a goodbye in that way.

Here's a wakeup call bro!!

----------


## Ironman

Witnessing breakdowns and having flashbacks of my own.

All y'alls need to chillax, yo!

----------


## CloudMaker

People on this site seem very liberal.....like to call me troll because I like Trump and HATE Obama and SHILLARY!!

Folks my age are TIRED of seeing our great nation destroyed by things like PC culture and justice warriors. No one on here wants to believe someone disagrees with them! They laugh me away.....call me troll!

----------


## Chantellabella

I'm just tired of people lumping me in with their "groups." Just because I'm almost 60, people lump me in as a baby boomer who doesn't like millennials or gen x or y's.They assume that i love guns because i live in the south (I hate them). They also assume I'm for the conservative right, I'm a racist, and that I wrestle with alligators.

My vet does this. Stop assuming that "all" in a group think alike. 

I'm also a licensed professional counselor and a youth service librarian. I don't shush people, wear sweaters, nor diagnose people on the street. 

Sorry. I'm just getting hit with a lot of people assuming I belong to their philosophy because of my gender, age, race, and profession. One size does not fit all.

----------


## Chantellabella

I'm also frustrated and angry with the gun shooting jackasses behind me who shot a fixed feral cat, while filming it and laughing...  and again the local police are one massive [BEEP] fail! Their solution? Trap the cats so the sadistic assholes can blow their brains out at short range. Um. Hell no.

----------


## L

My friends are moving away  ::(:  not yet but soon. How dose one make new friends at this stage of their life, add in being the most socially awkward person with the most old fashioned hobbies...

----------


## MissL

Oh my, I think about uni and my career path and whether it's the right one. Can I do it, do I want to do it? Will I ever find love with my condition? Why can't I seem to control my anxiety as well these days? I should clean my room. I need to pay my bills. I need to get off my [BEEP] and do what I want to do in life. I don't have time to do those things...

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## 1

Skewl

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## Chantellabella

The jackass idiots who live behind me shot an innocent cat and then the stupid [BEEP] cops here put a trap in their yard and they shot two cats in the head point blank. 

Are we having fun yet?


I'm all for beating the [BEEP] out of people who own guns. Just tie them up and then beat the living [BEEP] out of them with metal baseball bats.


Good stuff.

----------


## BrookeAshley

Tired of always feeling on edge

----------


## Lunaire

> After I got my windshield replaced, my car's interior has been reeking of gasoline or something like that. It's making me nauseous.  It's getting better, but I'm wondering if it's even normal in the first place.



Yikes!! Sorry to hear about your window.  ::(: 

I'm no expert on cars but I had a vehicle with the same smell and it ended up having an exhaust system leak. It may be worth getting it diagnosed, especially if it's making you feel nauseous!

----------


## CloudMaker

Someone I work with was driving home on the freeway Saturday night at 11:00 PM, she was doing 70 and some guy ran into the back of her doing over 90.  He rolled over several times and got ejected out of his vehicle dying instantly.  When the police and the ambulance got there he was found completely naked.  He was driving without any clothes on and didn't even have shoes.

My coworker ended up having her car totaled and a broken wrist.

 ::o:  ::o:  ::o:

----------


## L

Learnt today that my mother is a narcissist.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Ffs. Am I over reacting here? I really don't think I am. Maybe I am. Idk.

So I'm trying to get ideas for Christmas gifts for my kids. I'm divorced. I don't have custody, I'm the non-custodial parent, so I ask my ex-wife about this gift for my son. It's a custom made Astros World Series jacket. It's pretty awesome. It's expensive. So I ask her if he needs a jacket, because today is the first day of the year where we've had cold, or cool weather.

She says "why don't you ask him and show him a picture of it and see if he wants it". I'm dead serious. That's exactly what she said.

Isn't the point of giving someone a Christmas present for it to be something they want, and also be a surprise?

I even texted her that. Isn't that the point? And she called him and asked him if that's what he wanted from me. Why, why would you do that??? You selfish, narcissistic, emotionally abusive, crazy woman, WHY would you do that???

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I fuqing hate you. I really do. My kids deserve better.

They deserve a woman that can be a mom, and act like an adult once in a while.

----------


## Otherside

Got woken up at 330am by unbearable flatmate and guest he had invited round. Thought the sound was door slamming. Turns out the sound was the flatmates guest tossing furniture around the kitchen. Entered this morning to find the breakfast barstools tossed around, the sofa had been flipped over, and the table upturned. Also, the kitchen seems to be covered in cocoa pops. Seemed to also think it was appropriate to go banging on people's doors at 4am. 

Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk

----------


## JamieWAgain

Yes.

----------


## Otherside

Gonna have to chase up a complaint tomorrow. No idea if anything has been done regarding that. No idea if they can do anything. My prick of a flatmate decided to do a runner on Thursday after his guest decided he'd toss furniture around the kitchen at three thirty in the morning, and go banging on people's doors to wake them up. This guy doesn't even fucking live here and he decided he'd do this.

Regardless, I'm very angry about that. It's time effing twenty nine that this guy (or his guests) has decided that it's fine to make a large amount of noise at stupid hours of the morning, or have trashed the place. This so far has included bringing a party back to the flat at 2am ("Oh sorry, were you trying to sleep?" "Well, what the [BEEP] do you think?!" ), yelling down the phone in the corridor at four, door slamming, yelling conversations and the furniture tossing incident. 

Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk

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## InvisibleGuy

I hate to sound like a scrooge but I really don't look forward to the holidays much anymore....other than seeing my kids open their presents.

I've gone through so much loss over the last five years. I lost my gf to suicide. Then less than six months later I lost my grandfather, then a few months later my grandmother, on New Years day. I was closer to my grandparents than I've ever been to my parents.

It's just not the same anymore without them, all three of them. I really, really miss them. I miss my gf in a much different way of course. As much as I try to pretend like everything is OK, as much as I swear to myself I'm not gonna obsess over their memories or spiral into a depression that goes on for weeks, or months....I always fail. As sure as the sun will rise and set, I will do all of those things. There's no way around it.

----------


## CeCe

I feel isolated  ::(:

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I have no idea what to get my kids for Christmas. I mean, they gave me ideas but it was all mostly gift cards. I'd like to actually get them something for once, instead of just gift cards.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> Another week with no answers



(((hugs)))

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I love this.....

Attachment 4368

There are parts of this that people in my life DO NOT GET AT ALL.

My family cannot even say my ex's name. The one that committed suicide. They cannot even SAY HER NAME. If I mention her, they immediately change the subject, or there is this cold, dead silence in the room. And then they change the subject.

No one, NO ONE, NO ONE has ever helped me grieve, or remember her, or honor her in any way. The only exceptions are her daughters. We grieved together.

I've been criticized for saying no to invitations, even when I was still grieving, days after she passed.

The way I act while I was (and still am) grieving have been misinterpreted much of the time.


If you don't "get" the way I act since I witnessed her suicide, then just wait. If you've never lost someone close to you, and felt them take their last breath, just wait. It will probably happen to you at some point. Not like it happened to me. More than likely, it won't be a suicide, and you won't have to carry the guilt I do every second of every fuqing day. But you will, at some point, go through grief. And it will change you.

Come back, and judge me after that. After you've felt the grief of losing a loved one, someone who's a part of you, come back and judge me for the way I've handled myself and managed my life since witnessing a loved one's suicide. Make as many judgments as you want, after that.

----------


## Otherside

You think you're the only one with a shitty past? Who's had shitty expierences? [BEEP] off. 

You don't know me. You don't know anything about me or what I've been through, it seems. Yet you want to justify everything you do. 

I doubt you can even comprehend what happened. Instead you'll sit just there making excuses, having not even bothered to listen to what I was telling you. It doesn't matter, really.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I really don't know what to think, what to feel anymore wrt my ex.

I don't even know.

I was in a family therapy session a few years ago. Not long after my oldest daughter found out that my ex actually committed suicide. And she called her, she referred to her, as her stepmother.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I sat there in this stunned silence, and so did my ex-wife.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

So.

The rest of my life will be reacting to, and running from that.

Thanks. This is reminiscent of my childhood. wow. I'm so underwhelmelmed.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Anyway it doesn't fuqing matter.

Move on.

Go on.

WTF ever.

----------


## Otherside

> Sending hugs my friend



Thanks, hugs. I seem to have become irritatingly bitter about my ex.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Ffs.

For.

Fuqs.

Sake.

----------


## Chantellabella

What's bothering me? 

I look at the world and I see fear all around. 

People reacting to fear and making poor decisions.

People afraid they are not good enough and therefore act out of jealousy, self harm or self-deprecation.

I see a frightened planet.

I know the world is a scary place. It's hard to cope here. 

But I also know that there must be some reason for all this suffering. This misery here. 

So what's bothering me, is that I see so many people losing hope. I see them giving into fear. 

And I get sad. 

I just wish people would remember to look for things like butterflies, hummingbirds, and a smiling child. Not that the world is all unicorns and rainbows. I know it's not.

But it does ease the journey. 

And it gives us a break from fear. 

That's what's bothering me.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

*breathe*

Just

*breathe*

Stupid people are everywhere. Yep. They're everywhere. It doesn't mean you have to include them in your life.

Just.

*breathe*

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I had to ask my dad to go get my kids tonight, I just couldn't do it. I was violently ill. I mean, bad. Idk why stress comes through, manifests itself through stomach aches for me.

But it sucks. It really sucks. I only get to see my kids every other weekend. I miss them. I really miss them. I'll try again tomorrow. I hate this.

My stomach doctor thinks it's all in my head. I hate him. He doesn't even believe me.

----------


## Otherside

Don't know what's me and what's not me. Am I the me without the pills, or the me that's medicated? I know I can't even begin to function without them and I'd probably just end up in hospital if I were to come off of them, but it does beg the question? Is of all this just some illusion? Which reality is the real one? Which me is me? It all seems like me, all of it feels like me yet it doesn't feel like me at all.

Its not that I feel emotionally numbed, I mean sure everything feels eerily calm and is somewhat quietenedon in my head and I'm not used to it. I'm used to strong waves of mood and thoughts that yell at you and won't shut the hell up. Woke up shaking after I dreamt how bad it used to be. I can't ever go through that again, I'm scared it'll come back. Nobody gets how scared I am that one day, all of it will just come back, ever so strong. And then I'll trash up my life again and probably even enjoy doing so.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I worry about my kids. I worry about them a lot.

My daughter was in a psychiatiric hospital. Not long ago.

She and I had a complete breakdown, crying in the visitation room. Just a complete meltdown.

I worry about my kids.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

She started crying. And I held her in my arms. And then I started crying. We were just a mess.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

There was this woman with her daughter next to us who was looking at us. Idk if it was pity, or what. Sympathy? Idk. Contempt? Maybe. Idk.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I hope no one here ever, ever has to see their kids go through this. Ever.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst fuqing enemy.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

On a lighter note......

----------


## InvisibleGuy

The weather is keeping people away tonight, in my dad's neighborhood.

We've had one hay ride. Even in the pouring rain. And it's cold out.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Tomorrow's goin be a grab your loved one and keep warm kinda day.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

For Texas anyway.

We claim it's freezing to death when it get's below 60 degrees.

----------


## Otherside

Things have just become a who has it worse and who has the right if saying I have the shittiest lately. 

And hypocrisy. It's ironic seeing someone cry how someone is harassing them, when they're guilty of doing that exact same thing.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

lol.
wow. jus lol

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I can't sleep. This has been the week from hell. I appreciate the help and advice I've gotten. But I also have been thinking.....if u don't have an empathetic bone in your body then I don't need you in my life right now. Please. Stay away from me. Just. Stay away.

Good riddance. You won't be missed.

----------


## CloudMaker

> middle age idiots who try to still act cool and tease younger people like me for being too shy, quiet, uncool, smart and basically not being where I want to be in life yet. (and I thought teens would give me more of a hard time but not as much as they did)



There seems to be a YUGE disconnect between millennials and my generation.... lots of my generation think millennials are too sheltered!! Different eras and different cultures....

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Insensitive, psychopaths bother me. Wow.

The worst kind are the ones that appear normal, that lure you in cos they don't appear to be sick. I swear to god people like that scare me. They are sick.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

This is a true story, and I feel so, so bad about it, I really do. Warning it will make you cringe. You've been warned.

I finally got an hour or so of sleep just now. I just had a horrible flashback, a really bad dream. I was dreaming about my ex fwb. We came back to my place after work one day and we ordered some Mexican food. Part of it was salsa, kind of hot.

We ate and had a few glasses of wine and started messing around and she all of a sudden was screaming in pain. I freaked out. We couldn't figure out what was wrong.

Either me or her somehow got some salsa on our fingers and it got on her lady parts.

She got into the tub, in ice cold water.

I got a water bottle, one of those you take to the gym with a little spout on it. I filled it with ice water and she put it inside her. Not the whole thing, obviously, just the spout. God that was a nightmare. She was better after a few minutes.

We never ate salsa again. And I made sure to wash my hands from then on before I touched her. I just had a nightmare about that.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm worried again about my mom. Ffs. She's out of ICU but still in the hospital, still having bone marrow tests.

My dad wasn't responsive to texts this morning, until just now.

I'm worried. All over again.

----------


## fetisha

a member from one of my favorite kpop music group killed himself recently (shinee) *sigh*

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm anxious about tonight. I hope it goes well. I mean.....it always does.

The worst thing that's ever really happened during my family's Christmas Eve celebration was my mom being so doped on pills that she completely missed her grandkids opening their presents. But that hasn't happened in a few years.

I just like to worry I guess lol. My dad just told me yesterday "You are a worrier". Ffs. No. Really?? Ya think??? lol.

Once I get there I know I'll be fine tonight. I know it will go well. Most of my anxiety comes about cos of my kids, me worrying if they'll like what I got them. But I know they will.

Also, there is gonna be a house full of people tonight. Fourteen are guaranteed to be there, and likely more than that. Maybe double that many.

*sigh* anxiety can be so, sooooo irrational sometimes. Everyone there is family, or friends. Don't know what I'm so anxious about.

----------


## Borophyll

Deleted, just needed to write it to feel better.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I haven't heard from my dad, about my mom.

I'm worried.

----------


## fetisha

I really need a break from the internet and I thought high school was a cesspool.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Motherfucking IT dept at my job.

FFS.

I have 40 open tickets from December alone. And you still can't fix the problem. I'm calling you now, every single fuquing day. Every day.

And all of you know me on a first name basis now. And you act like it's the first time I've had this problem. When. No. It's the 50th time I've had this problem. Get a clue. If you can't help me out then maybe IT isn't the line of work you should be in.

Goooooooodddddddddddddddddddaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmm  mmmmmmmmmmiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  !!

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm worried. Really worried.

My mom is being released from the hospital, but there are some very, very serious concerns. I'm worried.

----------


## Relle

Can't get out of my head. All my thinking seems negative or focused on the past

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> Can't get out of my head. All my thinking seems negative or focused on the past



Sry, I'm the same lately. You know I'm here if you want to talk / vent.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

Annoyed and irritable. People are like sandpaper on my temples, just want to talk.

----------


## fetisha

damn acid reflux!

----------


## Otherside

Ugh. Okay.

So I get back to my flat a few days ago, arrive to find a letter asking me to please pop into the surgery to redo some blood tests. So since I'm having to make an appointment anyway because I've run out of repeats for my meds, I ask what that was about and had something been flagged up.

Turns out, something was flagged up with my thyroid or something. Which come to think of it, would probably explain a few things like why I've constantly been feeling so godamned bloody exhausted even after twelve hours sleep but who knows, I've just been putting that down to well... I dunno, feeling like [BEEP] half the time? Heck, maybe I should have noticed that. 

And apparently depakote can have this annoying habit of causing false positives on thyroid tests. Or something.

And of course me being an idiot who has not learnt from previous incidences of "don't Google", decides to Google. So now I've convinced myself that I have hashimotos disease. I mean a lot of the symptoms match but Heck, it's probably nothing as serious as that. They would have called had it been something like that, right?

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

Two headaches, one physical, the other situational. Both seem impossible to deal with, can't reason with a headache.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

wow.

what an insensitive *itch.

[BEEP] you.

No, really. [BEEP] you.

wow.

what a way to respond to someone that just wants to talk.

F*ck you.

You know what, I'm glad I don't know you that well.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Lol.....the upside is......I don't know you that well.

I'm not emotionally invested in you.

I can hang up. Right now. And not have anything to do with you.

Wow you are......something else tho. I....hope you don't get your claws into anyone else lol.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

you know what bothers me

is people that have issues, that have a past.

yet they victimize others.

I don't like people that do that.

I have serious issues, with people who do that.

----------


## Otherside

Struggling to eat thanks to Anxiety. I know whats causing this bout of anxiety, not that that helps at all. So I know that hopefully, by next Friday, this stupid [BEEP] anxiety will have gone away again.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I need to eat something. Something.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Man, I have to make myself eat lately lol.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

I've done everything I can for you, and you know your going to die if you keep up with it.

But I guess you love your poison sticks more than you love being alive so I'll just leave you to it then.

----------


## fetisha

The self harm is at it again  ::(:  *sigh*

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

This is stupid. I'm losing physical progress and function because my state is backwards and wont let me use the one thing that helps. I don't know if when I start up again the damage will just be done or if it will go back to normal. It's only been three months, I have at least five more to go. What if I end up in a cane, walker, or wheelchair again and there really is no going back? Was it worth the $800 Limestone county? 

Don't bother, I know the answer.

----------


## Koalafan

> Bad nausea and feeling isolated



 :Hug:

----------


## Otherside

> Bad nausea and feeling isolated



 :Hug:

----------


## fetisha

When I see food online or in magazines i get hungry but when i stop seeing it my appetite goes away in a heartbeat. Wtf is wrong with me?!

----------


## fetisha

> This is becoming a recurring nightmare.  An older couple this time showed up and just started banging the door and ringing the bell.  I didn't want to answer it.  But they kept going and going.  I tried to ignore it and eventually it got quiet.  I looked out the peephole and didn't see anyone so I figured they must've finally got a clue they had the wrong address.  But when I made a noise, they started furiously ringing the doorbell.  Holy shit.  So, I went out the back and got into my car to escape (my dog was barking wildly the whole time), and they somehow knew it.  As I was pulling out, they were chasing after me.  I just want to go postal on everyone.



Whoa! Thats scary did you try calling the police later?

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

Pain is getting worse. Probation officer didn't tell me everything I needed to do and didn't give me a very important paper that I needed and now I'm in trouble for it. Tried to make a payment and they took my money but say they haven't received it and my receipt apparently doesn't mean anything because they refused to mark it paid. Work is getting stupider and paying less, have to sell plasma to pay bills. Broke my new phone AND THEN CUT MY FACE WITH IT.

I am at capacity for now. One more thing and who knows what will happen, but I bet it won't be good.

----------


## sunrise

> I wish people would stop spying on me so much!!!!!!!!



Are you talking about peeping Toms?

----------


## Otherside

I think that someone i know, and who I used to be very, very close to, has tried to take out a payday loan in my name. I'm hoping that this isn't the case, and that I get an email back from the company in question saying that somehow, a mistake was made, but Heck, I don't know.

I don't want to jump to conclusions, and I'm hoping I really am here. Because I would really rather not think that this person had tried to screw me over like this.

----------


## Otherside

"We can't help you, we can't tell you anything about the account, it's privacy protection."

Yup, wonderful. Thanks a bloody lot, the accounts in my name, I'm legally responsible for it apparently, but you can't tell me anything about who tried to open it/what for/when/how much/anything about it because "privacy protection." 

Oh, but you still want me to be responsible for it/pay back anything the account is used for (if it even was, you won't even tell me that)/be responsible for anything that has occured on the account, even though it was not me. 

Oh, and by the way - You've not even got my correct address. That's my parents address. I haven't lived there since September. I'm not on the electoral roll there. _Nothing_ is registered there and hasn't been since September. Stuff isn't posted there. So how the [BEEP] did someone register an account there? 

(FYI, this company is called Klarna, and the prospect that somebody may commit fraud seems to be an alien concept to them. They do "Buy now pay later" stuff or "Split the cost into free" on online purchases, often at high interest. I'd avoid like the fucking plague.)

----------


## Otherside

> That's crazy.  Did the loan fall through?  This is criminal behavior and should be investigated.



I finally managed to get somewhere with them today. After reporting it to the police and handing them a crime number. 

They've admitted that an application was made, that it "could have been fraud" now, but that it didn't get anywhere, and was stopped before any money was handed out. So I guess I'm thankful that they're not saying I owe them money, and that the application was declined.

----------


## Otherside

I'm kind of a bit broke right now, so if that refund you said was going to be paid Monday and that reimbursement of the money spent on train fares/hotel stays could please hit my account like, now, I'd be ever so grateful, thanks. 

Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk

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## Otherside

Mood rise, then mood dip. I never learn, do I? Sigh... 

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## Otherside

It's hard to counter the thoughts of complete and utter uselessness, the feeling that everything I do just isn't good enough. Or even remotely good. It almost seems to hard to try somedays, I just want to give up. 

Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk

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## Relle

My past keeps coming back to torment me  ::(:

----------


## fetisha

my massive headache and rip stephen hawking

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I've been out of commission, fallen off the face of the earth for last 30 days or so. I'm going through 30 days worth of mail. I'm sure the post office worker is good and pissed off at me now, I have a month's worth of mail crammed into my box, with all the fury and determination he could muster up, cursing me the whole time, I'm sure. Cable and internet were cut off, had to restore that. Cell phone was cut off, had to restore that. My car started right away, I was kinda surprised at that. I prepaid my rent, but they forgot the utilities, so I had a bunch of notices taped to my door, in angry red marker, demanding payment. "For real this time, we're dead serious"! lol. Took care of that.

I just want to feel normal, get back into a normal routine. Is good to be back at my place.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

My new therapist (and my grief counselor) are trying to get me to be more sociable. Hehehe. Good luck with that, ladies. You're gonna need it. They want me to get more involved with my church, which, I have to admit is not a bad idea. I'll admit it's about the only way to get me to be around people more. But it's not gonna work. I'm isolating a lot lately, and that's not about to change anytime soon. Being around people = socializing, and just because it's at church doesn't change that lol.

Except for that, they both say I've made a lot of progress lately. My grief counselor had a group therapy session today and she kept playfully punching me in the arm and going to me for answers on what we were discussing. And that's not like her, she's usually kind of a cold fish. I'll take the wins when I can get 'em.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

My grief group was....really difficult to sit through today. Three different women in the group talked about (and relived, had flashbacks of) the rape and molestation and abuse they went through as children. I gave feedback to all three of them, as did most of the rest of the group. My message was mostly "it's not your fault", said in several different ways to try to get the message through to them, in a loving and caring and understanding and empathetic way. There were lots of tears today, shed by just about everyone. Their stories were very, very difficult to hear....just gut-wrenching....almost hard to believe that anyone could endure that kind of abuse and live to tell about it. And all these women are incredibly strong, resilient, loving, giving, just....powerful human beings, partly for having gone through what they did, and surviving it all.

I was in awe of them, of their strength, and their determination, and courage today, to tell their stories. And I told them as much.

Hugs were shared by all. And like I said, there were lots of tears. We actually ran out of Kleenex.

At the end of the marathon session, our grief counselor said she had one last thing. She said, in front of everyone, that she hoped I would take the advice I gave today, and that I'd learn to love myself enough to believe I deserved to heal also.

That was hard to hear. I didn't say anything back to her. We just ended the group in the usual way, and left. I think she's probably right, I probably need to. I just don't know how to lol.

----------


## Relle

Struggling with health anxiety and other life issues

----------


## Otherside

Hell of a lot of job anxiety. Feel useless really when it comes to thinking about the future. 

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## Otherside

Social anxiety, a complete lack of self-confidence and absolutely no belief in myself all appear to be screwing me over a lot lately. And I just feel like an absolute massive failure.

There. I even know what the problem is, I just don't see any way out of this rut. 

Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk

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## InvisibleGuy

I ditched my last trauma, loss and grief class. I've decided I'm not going back. I have mixed feelings about doing that. It was group therapy, and I was pretty close to our therapist, the one that ran the group. I'm sure she's totally, completely pissed off at me for ditching. For one thing, when we leave, we're supposed to say goodbye to the group....it's a big, huge deal, a ceremony of sorts. And I just left and didn't come back.

I've never been very good at goodbyes.

Part of my reasoning was that the group had just run it's course for me. I talked about (relived, in a way) my girlfriend's suicide. I completely broke down, in front of everyone. Which, is not uncommon. Almost everyone in that group has a scary, dark place, the place that nightmares are made of. I saw some of the women in that group talk about being raped, molested. I saw some of my buddies in that group talk about losing friends, watching their best friends die, at their own hands, or from drug overdoses.

I just don't think I can re-hash the suicide any more....even though my therapist wants me to. I just can't go through that, I can't relive it again. It was hard enough for me to be that vulnerable once in front of a huge group like that. I don't think I can do it again. In a way, I kind of have some regrets about making myself that vulnerable. There's a side of me that builds walls around myself, that doesn't let anyone in, it's a sick form of self-preservation. And there's a part of me that feels like....now that they've seen me that vulnerable, they see me in a different light now. Almost....weak, I guess.

I know it doesn't make sense to anyone that doesn't come from where I do. It just is what it is lol. I let my walls down once, it feels like a mistake, and I don't think I can do it again. Besides, I really don't see the point anymore. *shrug*

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## Fallen18

The other day when a customer was praising me for being a great employee and my manager agreed stating I was a doll. For a split second I felt sorta looked down on, as if I were a child. That quickly was brushed to the side b/c it's not uncommon for me to hear and I didn't take it as anything bad...I took it more as "she's so sweet" old ladies at diners have called me doll before and given our age difference I didn't find it that odd. Hell I've even been called worse I've had customers call me "baby" while I grit my teeth. So it's not like I was particularly bothered. However two weeks later he comes up to me and is super apologetic about it....initially I thought I was in trouble that I did something wrong he was so serious and he sorta B-lined straight to me. He went on about how he didn't know what he was thinking, that it's been bothering him ever since, and that I was a grown woman and he didn't mean any offense, and if he ever says anything like that again that I should slap him. It's odd b/c up until that point I wasn't uncomfortable. It was only after the fact that I felt really uneasy and kinda sad.....I told him it was fine that I knew what he meant and he thanked me. But it sorta put a damper on my day. Because I clearly don't know what he meant and I just felt bad.

----------


## Skippy

I have some nights where I miss so many things of days gone by. This is on of them nights, so I feel rather sad and bothered.

----------


## Otherside

Watching all this stuff come into the news recently about CAMHS (Child Adolescent Mental Health Service) is making me angry. This has been going on for at least eight years now. Don't get wrong, I'm glad that it's finally coming out. I'm angry that it's taken this long. 

It's all very well that they spread the narrative of "ask for help, there's another option". Well, what the hell do you do when you ask for help, go in and tell them that you are literaly at your wits end, only to be told that there's absolutley nothing wrong, that all your problems are down to "Worries about the transition into adulthood", and that they'll deny any requests you make for help? And then when you later find out that there's nothing they can do because you're three month's off your eighteenth birthday, and you're just to much of a massive inconvinience for them to deal with because they'll have to put effort into moving you across to the adult system before you turn nineteen, which they _really, really_ cannot be done with. Unless of course, it's an absolute crisis, and apparently, overdosing on your meds does not consitute a "crisis", so who knows what actually does based on there criteria.

----------


## Fallen18

I go through highs and lows...but my lows are never just sadness and my highs are never just happiness. I know when I'm not feeling right. I'm old enough to know when I'm feeling sicker. Yet I'll never get used to the lows. The disappointment....the pain in having the familiar constant heavy feeling in my chest. I've been getting panic attacks more often at work....to the point where I've had two breakdowns in the span of not even a week. I hold it together somewhat, but I need to walk away to compose myself from completely just losing it in public. Which is embarrassing, but hey if doing deep breathing while folding pants works. Whatever. However it's becoming too much, I've not been able to focus on important tasks b/c I've felt too flustered and as a result have neglected responsibilities. 

It's not even like I want to die, especially not that way having had some very close calls. It's just about not wanting to feel it anymore...not wanting to be me. While I'll know I have a family, and I'm young-ish, and still want to experience so much a voice in the back of my mind tells me I'll never amount to anything, never be good enough, and that I'm living on false hope and foolish daydreams. It all feels dark, bleak, and for nothing. 

I once lost it & drove nothing but straight for like an hour trying to distract myself from driving to a railroad and hopping on the tracks, or from pulling my steering wheel going 100mph. I got lost. Decided to go home, but before that broke down into tears in a empty parking lot. It sucked. And it feels like everyday....more of those familiar thoughts seep through and plant small seeds in my mind. 

I want to talk to someone but I'm scared...like I don't even know where to begin with what help I need, and I literally can't be hospitalized again.... that's one of my biggest fears.

----------


## fetisha

so much is bothering me now, I wish I was dead so I can finally have peace and not have a racing mind. I do regret coming off geodon but I couldnt handle the side effects

----------


## Otherside

I'm beginning to hate travelling home. Get back and I get to deal with judgement and derision over a mental health condition I have to deal with. From a certain member of my immediate family

Bonus points this person also had her own mental health condition and demands sympathy and understanding for it, whilst simultaneously refusing to understand anyone else's. 

Even more bonus points when they person likes to go on and on about fight to stigma and all, and is one of the most inconsiderate - if not the most inconsiderate - when it comes to my own. 

Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk

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## fetisha

> @Fallen18  I'm sorry things aren't going well. Are you in therapy? I've been looking for a therapist but every time I find what I think is a good one in my area, they say they aren't taking new patients.  But I haven't been persistent about that.  I would love to have someone provide me with good insights and advice. If I can't travel, which is very effective as a way to take my mind off of things, I also go for drives. Listening to audiobooks/podcasts while driving is a good distraction.  But one of my biggest life's regret is not trying therapy when I was younger. 
> 
> 
>  @fetisha {{{hugs}}} Is there an alternative to geodon?



I really don't like medication but I feel like its my only rational option now. :/

----------


## Otherside

I'm at the point now where I am genuinely considering walking away from a family member, and going "fuck it. I'm done with you."

What's held me back from completely cutting this person off is the fact that nobody else is going to be happy with me if I do this. But honestly?

The last few months, with little to no contact I have been significantly happier.

I don't consider it to be unreasonable to not want to have anything to do with someone who shows absolutely no understanding whatsoever towards me, and gives few shits, if any, about my life, and for whom the only words spoken to me are in the form of sneers, mocking, derision and "I'm better than you" entitlement. I don't accept "they blame you because you got ill and made things difficult" as an excuse. I don't make excuses for the way I behave when I'm out of order, I take responsibility and apologise. But I will not be made to feel guilty for the rest of my life because they want someone to blame for the fact that they had a less than stellar childhood.

It is beyond belief thay I am constantly being asked to "send an encouraging text, they're having a hard time", or being told, "I wish you two would talk to each other more." Well, here is why I don't make the effort. Beyond the fairly obvious, as in this person is a remorseless thief, this person has, repeatedly, over the years, treated me like complete and utter shit, and makes me feel crap about myself when I am around them. And then, turns around, and had the cheek to demand unlimited sympathy and be the victim? Give me a break. Here is the hard truth. I do not feel much sympathy right now. Sympathy is not something I am capable for people who just want to be massive arseholes all the time.

(You know, I can't believe that I genuinely have to explain why I want nothing to do with this person. Everyone else I have spoken to can genuinely work this one out. If it was anyone other than family I would have cut this person off a long time ago.)

Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk

----------


## JamieWAgain

My daughter is missing again. Its been 3 weeks. She was clean for pver a year. She was doing SO WELL. She told me and we talked about the chances of relapse. Her eating disorder takes over her thoughts and in the past she took heroin to make the thoughts stop. Shes an addict but was in recovery and in a program. I feel so so so sad for her. And worried. She doesnt deserve what life has dealt her. Shes such a lovely, giving, caring soul.

----------


## Otherside

Had a phone interview scheduled. Waited in today to recieve this. 

Ended up not calling.  :so mad:

----------


## JamieWAgain

I just heard from her. She’s safe and not on drugs. This should go in the ‘good news’ section.

----------


## Otherside

Hey, that's good to hear. Glad things are going okay.  ::):  

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## InvisibleGuy

@Jamie good to hear your daughter is OK. All I do is worry about my kids, so I know the feeling all too well. Comes with being a parent. If we didn't worry we wouldn't care, wouldn't love them like we do.

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## InvisibleGuy

What's bothering me is my therapist and my doctor. Ffs, man. I couldn't get a release to go back to work, cos I missed my last two group therapies. The sessions are three hours long, and I was sick last week (I really was), so I missed. I went to the hospital today and met with Miss Manipulator (my therapist) and she agreed to give me a release for work if I make the sessions up tomorrow & Wednesday.

I even called her that. "Miss Manipulator". She smiled but I could tell it bothered her a little. Guess she's not used to having people analyze her lol.

God I don't want to go. Wednesday is gonna be a huge goodbye session. It's a huge ritual, ffs, that just drags on and on and on. And I'm not much good at goodbyes.

----------


## SmileyFace

I'm going through so much in my life right now, and my parents have been no help at all. Instead, they have berated me... share with me everything they hate about me... how I'm crazy and making awful choices in life. I make wise choices in my life. I'm not a bad person. People like me... but my parents think people "don't know the real me." They treat me as though I'm not worth loving  ::\:

----------


## Otherside

> I'm going through so much in my life right now, and my parents have been no help at all. Instead, they have berated me... share with me everything they hate about me... how I'm crazy and making awful choices in life. I make wise choices in my life. I'm not a bad person. People like me... but my parents think people "don't know the real me." They treat me as though I'm not worth loving



The last part of your post makes me me particularly sad. That's awful, and you're parents should support you. :hugs

Sent from my G3121 using Tapatalk

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## Otherside

Gonna try and get a doctors appointment tomorrow. I've been saying I'm going to do this since abaout easter but now that I've actually gotten to position to do it...not looking forward to it. Going to have to go through a long description of just how absolutley rubbish I have been feeling times with someone who is, quite frankly, a complete stranger. And I'm not exactly comfortable with that. I don't know them, I've barely seen them, I don't want to sit there and open up and tell them how crap I've been. I don't want to discuss my mental health with them. Heck, it's embarresing, and for some reason I'm embarressed that it's causing problems again.  

And then I have to hope that they are not going to just send me on my way and tell me that nothing is wrong and I'm making all this up or exagerrating.

----------


## Otherside

Went back to my GP today. Actually managed to somehow get an appointment today with him. I didn't have to explain to the receptionist in great depth why I wanted to see him in order to do so, thank god, and she accepted "It's regarding a long-term health condition" as a reason. He actually listened, and I'm glad for that. 

So I've been referred back to the mental health team, should get a letter in the post at somepoint offering me an appointment with a psychiatrist in...who knows how long. In the meantime, he's raised the dosage of my meds. He wasn't comfortable doing that at all.

So I guess this maybe shouldn't be in "anything bothering you?" I mean, I feel slightly relieved that I was actually listened to. But this is bothering me. I feel absolutley embarressed and defeated that I've had to do this. I'd never tell anyone else this, never judge anyone else for going back to the doctors when there mental health starts to get worse. And yet when it comes to myself...

I'm just such a hypocrite when it comes to myself.

----------


## fetisha

socializing is so damn hard, I messed up so much on confusing people on what I want from them.

----------


## CloudMaker

> socializing is so damn hard, I messed up so much on confusing people on what I want from them.



Sorry I don’t understand what this means... shouldn’t socializing be about two people , not just what you want from them ?

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Aaaaand my boss is going to call me in......

3.....
2.....
1.....

OK, well not yet. But he will lol.

Calm down, man. You are wound up so tight lol. More so than I am, even. I did more stores than you asked me to do yesterday. I'm going to do more than you asked today. I have success pictures, before and after pictures. I walked into disasters yesterday and made them look amazing. Calm down lol.

*sigh*

That's just you. I get it. That's just how you are, and you will never change, for anyone lmao. I get it. I'd take it personally if you just treated me that way, but no, it's everyone.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I miss my grief counselor. She was pure awesomeness, just amazing. One of those people that come into your life and leave an impression that lasts forever. I wish I could still see her.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I have a text msg and two v/m from my buddy, from group. I haven't called him back yet. We were good buddies, along with three other girls in our group. I mean, we talked, we sat together. He left me a v/m saying he missed me, and I miss him too, he really is an awesome guy, he's a good friend, he is an awesome friend.

I think I'm afraid of what could happen. I could be too broken for them. Tho....we don't really have any secrets, not after being in group together. I just have a huge, huge fear of intimacy now lmao, even on a friendship level. Ffs. But, if you've been thru what I have you might have fear of intimacy issues also.

----------


## Otherside

Raised the dose for my epilim. Feel absolutely exhausted and though I can't think properly as a result. Wish this would just wear off already.

----------


## AmberHearts

I live with someone that is emotionally manipulative.

----------


## Cuchculan

> I live with someone that is emotionally manipulative.



Never nice people to be around. Is there anyway to change things up?

----------


## InvisibleGuy

My mom is coming home from the hospital. After 83, yes, 83 days. My parents met their out of pocket and deductible on their insurance long, long ago.

I'm worried. My dad and I have talked in the last few days about moving her into a retirement home. We don't want to do that oc, we want her to be back home. We're just thinking about all the options now. We're not sure if she can care for herself. She's wheelchair bound, and has been for years. But she has to have the strength to stand and walk a few steps occasionally, and bathe herself, and sit up in her chair. I'm worried about her coming off the painkillers. She's been on morphine and Xanax in pretty heavy doses for the last few months.

I hope she's OK, I'm praying she's OK.

She was also my abuser. So we have a very estranged relationship. I visited her at the hospital today, and she was so high on painkillers I honestly don't know if she knew I was there. She was in her own little world.

----------


## Otherside

Feel as though I'm crashing. Shouldn't be surprised I knew this was coming.

----------


## Relle

Fed up with being unemployed

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I have two voicemails from friends I met in group therapy earlier this year. I haven't called them back yet. I mean, I will. Just not yet lol.

As crazy as this may sound, I feel like other people have moved on and I haven't. I mean, nothing really has changed. My ex-gf committed suicide, and the days on calendar have moved, but I'm still left with the overwhelming guilt. Thousands, yes, thousands of hours of therapy haven't changed that. I'm still a survivor of abuse, really bad abuse and neglect from my mother.

Nothing has changed. I can't seem to get over the most crippling things, the things that hold me back the most. And they're the only things that really matter.

I'm a broken person.

I was pretty close to one of the guys who left me a v/m. He's one of those people that come into your life and leave an impression that lasts forever. The other guy was best friends with a girl I also befriended there. He's just awesome, he's one of those friends you come across once in a f-ing lifetime, he really is. The girl I was friends with tried to steal my shoes lol. We were in group and I had just bought these and she tried to rip them off my feet, and trade with hers. She was.......crazy. But crazy in a good way.

----------


## Otherside

What's bothering me? Okay. I've crashed. Nothing major has happened, I can't sit here and give you a long list of reasons as to why I feel rubbish or what's wrong because I can't come up with a reason. And by all accounts, I should be feeling amazing because everything is going right but I'm not. I feel rubbish. And so yes. Self absorbed central to some people, I'm sure. Whatever, why do I even care. Can I not just feel a bit screwed up for once because my for some reason I don't have a functioning brain and its decided that it's just not capable of doing moods right today and so hey, let's just feel low all the time and like we have no energy. 

Also, referral to that consultant to solve issue? Still bloody waiting on it. Because everything has to take oh so bloody long, and I genuinely am considering just paying out because the average waiting time for the area I live in is nine months. :/

----------


## fetisha

oh goodie two panic attacks today.. -___-

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm really missing someone really badly lately. I've started sleeping with her nightgowns pressed to my chest again. I'm having dreams of her again. I miss that woman so, so, sooooo much it hurts.

----------


## CloudMaker

why does god keep me alive?  I'm pretty miserable and lonely.  I spent most weekends drunk. I have to keep working until I'm very old.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm tired, the last five days or so have not been fun. Stomach issues again, nausea, the whole nine yards. I was in bed for almost three whole days and nights. It was at its worst when I drove to my parents house Friday. After a couple of hours it was obvious I couldn't drive back home, so they put me in the spare bedroom, brought me water, Gatorade, soup. They finally had to take me to the ER Saturday, mostly for severe dehydration.

On the upside I'm feeling a lot better, eating and drinking some now. Another upside is I got a new Ipad. It's pretty amazing, I'm not even close to figuring it all out yet lol.

----------


## CloudMaker

Just spent all day yesterday reading the sample ballot for California.  Jebus  what a nightmare!  27 people running for Governor.  One on a platform of "Why not?"  Seriously.   Another one wearing a ancient Chinese head dress and only has a #hashtag for a description.

Feinstein running again!  Good God.

----------


## fetisha

I wish I could stop thinking about sucide so much

----------


## Otherside

I feel like there shouldn't be anything bothering me, I feel like I shouldn't be feeling rubbish, and yet I feel like absolute rubbish. Again..

I mean, will anything even be worth. It in the end? Just doesn't seem like it.  ::(: 

Psych seems to think that'll settle down as I get more certinaty into my life. Hope so. This is just getting exhausted.

----------


## Lunaire

> I feel like there shouldn't be anything bothering me, I feel like I shouldn't be feeling rubbish, and yet I feel like absolute rubbish. Again..
> 
> I mean, will anything even be worth. It in the end? Just doesn't seem like it. 
> 
> Psych seems to think that'll settle down as I get more certinaty into my life. Hope so. This is just getting exhausted.



There doesn’t always need to be a logical reason to feel down — sometimes it can even be just a chemical imbalance such as a lack of adequate serotonin or dopamine production at the time. 

Hope you’re feeling better today!

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I just had....the strangest deja vu all over again moment. Omfg.

I swear to god I just bumped into one of my exes. No, it gets worse. If it's her, which I'm 99% sure it is, she lives in my apartment complex.

I saw her. And she saw me. And we both froze. I lived with this woman when I was 18 years old. I lost my virginity to her.

No. No. No. Nooooooooooooooooo this isn't happening. Maybe she just looks like my ex??? Oh ffs please dear god don't let this be happening. No.

She looked at me like she knew me. No. No. No. No. No.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm in denial. This isn't happening. No. No. No. I don't even want to leave my apartment now.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

This is so, so unbelievably shocking and sad....the Sante Fe high school shooting this morning, which resulted in at least ten fatalities, scared me to death. It's not that far from where my kids go to high school. These monster(s) could very well have gone to my kids' school.  I really don't understand. I get that some of these alleged shooters in the past have been bullied. I don't get how that can lead someone to snap like this, and essentially become a serial killer. They've interviewed a lot of the students and parents this morning and it's truly f-ing heartbreaking, some of these kids are beyond traumatized. They understandably don't feel safe in their school anymore, many have said they're not going back, many have said they don't feel safe in their own community anymore. Wtf.

----------


## ConstellationStudies

I'm not really sure what's bothering me. I just feel bothered all the time, like something is out of place. I told my therapist that, and they said it could be just anxiety. What also bothers me is not knowing things, I always feel like I have to know things or it makes me nervous.

----------


## fetisha

I wish I didn't have truman show syndrome and wish my inner ears would stop itching.

----------


## Kirsebaer

Procrastination! So much to be done and I'm just sitting on my ass


Envoy? de mon iPhone en utilisant Tapatalk

----------


## ConstellationStudies

It kinda feels like no one ever believes me on what I say. I try not to lie about anything and I catch people thinking im a liar a lot, its just so annoying and about petty things too, I feel like people  are so untrustworthy and if they don't trust me they shouldn't even try to ask things.

----------


## fetisha

I am trying not to feel bad cause I haven't got over certain things like terrible social anxiety and other things. I wish most people would understand that it will take me a while and I have tried ways to overcome but I am still the same somewhat for [BEEP] sake! I wish they would realize why I push most people away so they won't deal but whatever I am always wrong when it comes to dealing with people -___-

----------


## Otherside

Last few days have been horrible. I mean, really fucking horrible. Bad enough that I've made plans to leave here as soon as I can.

I thought that I'd gotten stable, but the events of last Wednesday have just thrown all that out the window, and I feel anything but right now. I don't know what's going to happen now. This probably won't end when I leave. I wish it would.

And I just don't feel able to talk about this. Barely anything seems to understand quite what this is like. I guess... I guess all of here should feel like we're coping with this, like we're all unphased by what's happened. Heck, by what's still happening. 

And hell, what is the point of talking? Why would. I want to wake up to passive aggression central and "look at how much I have it so much worse!"

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Well, that went....OK, I guess. As OK as I could ever expect it to go. The downside is, I expect the worst, and if it doesn't go just terrible then I'm OK with it. How fucking sad is that. Just "OK" is a good thing, a really awesome thing.

I had my kids last weekend, so I took them to pick out a card, and a gift card for my mom whose bday is today, since I knew we wouldn't see her today. We all signed the card, left it at their house when we all went back home last night. I called her today, wished her a happy bday of course.

It went OK. You have to understand I don't talk to my mom (my abuser) very much one-on-one, at all, ever. It hardly ever, ever happens.

I wished her a happy bday of course, and told her I loved her, twice. Got nothing back lmao. Wow, big surprise there. I think it's hard for her to say the words. Words she's not sure she means. My therapist told me she never, ever, ever should have had kids. Anyway, my dad was coaching her on what to say on the other end, after all was said and done. You know, I can only do so much. If I'm the child she hates then, well, I'm the child she hates. All I can do is my best to try to have something that resembles a shadow of a normal relationship with her. The rest is up to her, and I know what she's gonna bring.

C'est la vie.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm really kind of torn here.

I'm gonna be the fifth wheel, seriously, on an 8 day cruise not long from now. I'm going with two other couples. I had just given up on the whole idea of meeting anyone. I mean ffs I'm 48 yrs old, I don't drink, I don't party anymore, I've been divorced twice and I have three kids from a broken marriage. No woman, no woman, NO woman on the face of this earth is gonna be interested in me, let's be realistic....those facts alone would send any women running and screaming in the other direction. If you want to debate this I'd be happy to. PM me. Let's hook up.

I'm being sarcastic to make a point. But yeah, no one is gonna be interested just based on those facts alone.

But.....lmao......

There is a role call for this ship that I'm gonna be on. It's the largest cruise ship in the world, there are gonna be over six thousand people on board. There's an (informal of course) role call, and there are lots of singles. Some divorcees. There's a singles bar on board.

I'm debating whether to even put my profile up on the singles role call. I may just want to sit this out. Just stay in my cabin by myself, spend time with family. Go on my excursions. Is trying to hook up, or even just meet a nice young lady on a trip like this a waste of time?

Probably lol.

----------


## JamieWAgain

Nope. Not a waste of time. I think youve been on a journey in the past few years. A long journey and dare i say, you are starting to heal?!
You are mending your heart. 
This cruise is another step along your healing journey. 
I know you will meet someone when you’re ready.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Thank you. I'm not sure you're right tho. I'm starting to "feel' this expectation among family and friends that I'm ready to move on.

I don't think I know how to, tbh, Jamie. I haven't really dated since hs. I was married for 18 years. I'd be so fucking, so, so lost lol. It's ok tho, I have my kids and they are my whole world, they really are. I don't know if i'm meant to find anyone else or not. And if I am meant to, but don't, well, I guess that's ok too lol. It's not really OK with me but it is what it is. I'm a pretty broken person. It's hard enough for healthy people to find a match, and well I am a very, very broken person.

I have issues. The upside I guess is that I admit that I have issues, a lot of people don't. But, yeah, the downside is I have issues. Wait? Wut? I have issues? Why am I on this site lol..........

----------


## JamieWAgain

LolYou are on this site because you have issues. Like everyone else that has lived a life. We all have issues. It’s like youve been in a war, or a huricane, or insert any other metaphor that matches a very very hard time, and you are starting to look up from the debris and you see all that has happened to you and you are just saying .. ‘wait, is it safe to come out yet? Has the storm passed?, you are asking. If this one passes there might be another storm waiting to get me,your subconscience is warning...
Just keep listening to your inner voice.  Easier said then done but i notice a change. Just sayin..   :;):

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Fool enough to almost be it
Cool enough to not quite see it
Doomed
Pick your pockets full of sorrow
Run away with me tomorrow
June 

Try, ease the pain
Somehow we'll feel the same
Well, no one knows
Where our secrets go

I send a heart to all my dearies
When your life is so, so dreary
Dream
I'm rumored to the straight and narrow
While the harlots of my perils
Scream

That's all for now

Peace

Love

Happiness Forever

----------


## InvisibleGuy

oh for fuks sake

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I f-ing hate this world [BEEP] this

[BEEP] this

[BEEP] this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I Cannot stand this aymore.

i'm done

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I love, love my sisters on this website.

I'm sorry for sounding foolish. That's on me. I don't care. I really don't. You are my girls, and I love you like a daughter for being there for me.

You have no idea.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Fuq me. Fuq this life. Seriously. Here we go tho. Here we go.

----------


## kevinjoseph

InvisibleGuy are you okay?  It might be a good idea to head to a hospital and see what's up rather than seek help for your problems here.

----------


## JamieWAgain

You’re not a loser. Positive self talk is important on the road to recovery. Again, youre not a loser.

----------


## ConstellationStudies

I've lost weight but I find myself still buying bigger clothes because of my own self image, I hope it changes soon!

----------


## kevinjoseph

Just tell them you need the cash up front.  I'm sure they'll understand. Take it from them, then close the door in their faces.  Seriously though, I would remind whoever needs it that this keeps happening.  Your neighbors whose place is mistaken for yours seem to have at least acted as if they were sorry it happens.  People sometimes knock on my door who I don't even know, asking if I can give them some money or some cigarettes or a ride.  I know it can get to be too much.

Today was a good day for me.  I have been getting out of my apartment enough that I prefer it to spending time here, if I'm not sleeping.  Pretty awesome to be able to say that as someone with agoraphobia!

----------


## kevinjoseph

Haha, I didn't mean to say what I experience is worse than your experiences.  I just meant that at times I'd rather not open the door to my apartment.  

It's great to get out!  If you told me a month or two ago I would be able to say that, I'd probably think you didn't really know or understand me.

I haven't done anything exceptional.  I know what anxiety can seem to convince us is a good idea, despite what we really want to do.  I've been working on it for a long time.  

Sunrise, I'm sure you do things I feel I cannot do.  What do you do in a typical day you are grateful to be able to do?

----------


## SmileyFace

i am recovering from surgery and my mom makes me feel more miserable than i already am...

----------


## fetisha

I hope this new medication helps cause I am getting worse and worse each year. I feel like everyone wants to target me and destroy me.

----------


## kevinjoseph

> Got home later than usual yesterday to find that my dog peed on the carpet and either puked or worse in another area.  She has a pee pad, but she ignored it.  So glad we didn't get a new carpet. I have regular baby diapers stashed somewhere in the garage, but it's a chore to measure where the tail should come out and cut a hole.



What kind of doggo? I used to have a petite pug, who was basically a smaller-than-usual pug.  Her name was Zoey, after a really good local pizza place I like. I taught her a few commands, but then it got to be too much to have a highly energetic puggerina in an apartment, and my aunt adopted her.  My aunt loves her, and Zoey loves my aunt, so it was good timing.  I still see her when my aunt visits.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

^ What's bothering me right now (I was just about to post this) is I have absolutely no desire for anything like a relationship. No desire to date right now, at all. I still notice beautiful women oc. But I have absolutely zero ambition, motivation to get involved right now lol.

I'd be open to a fling or a one night stand but the problem with those is they never stay that way, someone's feelings always get involved. Always, in my experience.

I don't need any more fucking complications in my life. I don't want the headaches of dating. Or even the headaches that come with pursuing a female. No thanks. [BEEP] that lol.

----------


## kevinjoseph

The poodles I've been lucky enough to get to know are great.  Sometimes people have this idea that poodles are these fancy dogs with fancy haircuts they want to show off.  I had an English professor in college who had a small poodle and that doggo was awesome.  My English professor had a broken foot at that time and her poodle would lick that foot when she could because she knew my professor was in pain from it and wanted to help my professor.  That professor and I had a conversation where she explained to me that the English word poodle comes from a German word "puddle" that is pronounced the same, and poodles were originally bred as extremely intelligent dogs who Medieval Germans actually liked for their hunting abilities.  Long story short, poodles are doggos and doggos are great.  

Attachment 4476

----------


## kevinjoseph

> Early this morning I thought of a poem.  It is partly inspired by Porn, The Bible, and John Calvin.
> 
> You are not apart of the elect,
> for my glory you are part the reject.
> Doomed from the womb,
> I made you so that you would self deceive,
> Yourself in believing that your saved.
> Even though you misbehave.
> Which is why you can't run away from lust,
> I will enjoy thrusting you into the pit of hell.



Sad, I know you're having a rough time.  I don't know much about Calvin.  I know he said being alive is a beautiful gift when it is appreciated, but it is basically hell to be alive and have a "bad conscience."  I don't consider you any worse of a person than myself.  In fact, you are probably a better person than I am if your peccadilloes are causing you this much suffering.  It might be a good idea for us all to focus less on what Calvin said, and instead take the New Testament more for what it is there for, to explain that the Old Testament covenant with God the ancient Hebrews adhered to was obsolete in some ways, and God is nothing else if God is not about forgiving our sins.  I might be wrong.

----------


## kevinjoseph

I don't know much about Calvinism and Calvin's beliefs.  Calvin is no better or worse than you or me, I think.  He did the best he could with his life.  I don't believe that the number of souls destined for a positive afterlife is more subject to fate than free will, but from what I understand some people interpret Calvin's theological work to mean just that.  Essentially, we all have access to his works, but more importantly we all have the same access to the works of people who were able to record their thoughts and experiences who interacted with who they believed to be God incarnate.  What bothers me right now is the tendency some people seem to have to cede their abilities to use their reason to another, whether it is John Calvin or Martin Luther or even Pope Francis.  I'm sorry you're experiencing your suffering, Sad.  I might misunderstand where you are coming from, since like I said I do not know much about Calvinism, but I feel maybe you are holding yourself to a higher standard than necessary.

----------


## fetisha

so scared..

----------


## InvisibleGuy

For once, absolutely nothing. I had an awesome time today with my parents and aunt and uncle. We went to the Astros vs RedSox game, and the bullpen blew our lead (again) but it was a good game, and everyone had a good time. Lots of laughter and good food and ice cream lol. We're all also going on vacation together in a few months and we talked about that, everyone's excited about it   :boogie:

----------


## fetisha

Ugh I make such a fool out of myself with everything! I can tell people hate me here.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> Ugh I make such a fool out of myself with everything! I can tell people hate me here.



Fwiw, I try to remember that I don't need anyone to validate who I am. I don't need anyone's approval (online or irl) to be OK. It has got to be exhausting to go through life like that, constantly worried about if you're liked at every moment, or constantly worried about if everyone approves lol.

I was like that my first couple of years in high school. I most def do not think that way anymore. Thank the gods. This is me. Take it or leave it. If anyone has a problem with me, that's too bad for them, I'm sorry they have that conflict in their life lol. I don't.

----------


## kevinjoseph

I don't believe anyone can commit a sin that makes them beyond God's ability to forgive them.  I also believe even the Devil can quote The Bible to suit his purposes. It bothers me when people feel they deserve one thing or another because a book tells them so.  I hope you're no different than I am Sad, because I wouldn't want anyone to feel ashamed that a book told them what they are doing is somehow bad.

----------


## kevinjoseph

The Bible can certainly help us in our efforts to make sense of our lives.  The Torah, Qur'an, Bhagavad Gita, are no better than The Bible.  It irks me when people use those books to justify things they do.

----------


## kevinjoseph

I know very little about the Hadith.  If it is another text that some consider holy while being used to justify their reprehensible actions, I think those people have more of an issue with themselves than with the Qur'an or any other holy text.

----------


## Otherside

Gotta go back to my flat soon. Probably either later this week or next. I mean, most of my stuff is still there and all, and my lease is ending soon, so I don't really have much choice. And I kinda need my National Insurance, which I stupidly left there. But I haven't been back since well, everything happened. So kinda nervous about returning really.

----------


## Cuchculan

> Gotta go back to my flat soon. Probably either later this week or next. I mean, most of my stuff is still there and all, and my lease is ending soon, so I don't really have much choice. And I kinda need my National Insurance, which I stupidly left there. But I haven't been back since well, everything happened. So kinda nervous about returning really.



Get a friend to go back with you.

----------


## JamieWAgain

Yes. Kate Spade’s suicide seems to have triggered me. I very much tried to kill myself several times but failed. It wasn’t a cry for help. I truly was trying to take my life. The fact that her husband was in the next room has triggered me badly. I’m trying to keep it together but I’m having flash card memories. 
I wish Kate Spade didn’t kill herself.  ::(:

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> Yes. Kate Spade’s suicide seems to have triggered me. I very much tried to kill myself several times but failed. It wasn’t a cry for help. I truly was trying to take my life. The fact that her husband was in the next room has triggered me badly. I’m trying to keep it together but I’m having flash card memories. 
> I wish Kate Spade didn’t kill herself.



I'm so sorry Jamie....news like this triggers me too. Or....lot of the time my flashbacks come out of nowhere, triggered by seemingly nothing, and I'm hopeless to stop them until they just stop on their own. Sometimes it helps me to distract myself. Whatever works....a book, a video game, a movie. Sometimes I'll go to the gym and run until I feel like I'm about to drop, then come back to my place and shower and sleep it off. I have as-needed anti-anxiety meds....Baclofen, which is not unlike Valium, is a muscle relaxant used to treat anxiety. I take that as a last resort usually. Sometimes (not always) one or more of those things helps me with flashbacks. I hope your able to clear your mind and be at peace. It takes me a while sometimes.

----------


## JamieWAgain

[QUOTE=InvisibleGuy;447531]I'm so sorry Jamie....news like this triggers me too. Or....lot of the time my flashbacks come out of nowhere, triggered by seemingly nothing, and I'm hopeless to stop them until they just stop on their own. Sometimes it helps me to distract myself. Whatever works....a book, a video game, a movie. Sometimes I'll go to the gym and run until I feel like I'm about to drop, then come back to my place and shower and sleep it off. I have as-needed anti-anxiety meds....Baclofen, which is not unlike Valium, is a muscle relaxant used to treat anxiety. I take that as a last resort usually. Sometimes (not always) one or more of those things helps me with flashbacks. I hope your able to clear your mind and be at peace. It takes me a while sometimes.

Thanks friend. All good advise. I’m logging off and going to read a book, Then work early tomorrow.

----------


## JamieWAgain

Ps. I don’t think I did the quote thing right.

----------


## Otherside

Depression is being a bit of a problem and I don't think a lot of people understand that I'm just about getting tired of "Fighting it!" and "Not letting it win!" at this point.

----------


## Otherside

I'm mean I'm just so tired of feeling paranoid all the time. I just can't feel safe anymore.

I'm honestly exhausted and I just can't keep doing this.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Feeling a little anxious...I have jury duty this morning. Eeek!!!

I'm actually not nearly as anxious as I thought I'd be. Think it's probably due to new meds I'm on helping me. Anyway this should be interesting to say the least. I've always gotten out of jury duty before, never had to even report for it. This time they got me, no way out lol.

My goal this morning is to make myself as unattractive to both attorneys as humanly possible. My answers to questions will make both attorneys want to dismiss me before they're even done with the line of questioning.

Don't pick me, don't pick me, don't pick me, don't pick me lol.........

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm actually doing really well with jury duty so far. There's about 300 people in this room with me I'm guessing. Seated between two young ladies, conversation is flowing, anxiety is there but very manageable. Woman to my left has two kids, woman to right has three. All our kids are teenagers headed to college soon. Pretty awesome, was good to talk to them.

I should be called soon. This isn't nearly as bad as I thought it'd be. As long as I don't get picked lol.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

I just want things to go back to the way they used to be.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> I'm actually doing really well with jury duty so far. There's about 300 people in this room with me I'm guessing. Seated between two young ladies, conversation is flowing, anxiety is there but very manageable. Woman to my left has two kids, woman to right has three. All our kids are teenagers headed to college soon. Pretty awesome, was good to talk to them.
> 
> I should be called soon. This isn't nearly as bad as I thought it'd be. As long as I don't get picked lol.



Well that was pretty painless. The bailiff walked about 100 of us up to the 9th floor, where they hold criminal court, and you could hear a collective groan. We were all hoping for traffic court. Criminal court could be anything from criminal trespass to murder. We waited for what seemed like forever and they struck a plea deal.

I've never seen so many people go from depressed and hopeless to ecstatic and happy so fast in my life lol.

We all got excuses for work that said we were there until 5:00 today  ::):   ::):   ::):

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

> Left my dog with my parents to go on a trip.  When I returned I was horrified to see my dog covered in fleas, and worse, my mom used flea repellent for furniture directly on her skin.  The can said "safe around children and pets" and I couldn't get my mom to understand that didn't mean you can spray it directly on people. In the past, she's given my dog aspirin, Pepto, and god knows what else, despite me telling her not to give her anything other than what I provide.  I grabbed my dog and sped home to give her a bath. She seems ok, except she feels lighter.  Ugh.  If I ever take another trip, I will have to bring her with me.  Not sure if that's feasible, though, as she's a pretty anxious dog.  Stupid me for ignoring all the previous signs and still leaving my dog with them.



I would be furious. My dog is my baby. I micromanage his care at constant because I'm worried my parents will pull a similar stunt. You have my sympathy.

----------


## JamieWAgain

My H monitors me online evan though it’s my ipad. If i’m On this website i have to hide my ipad if he comes into the room. This makes me .... searching...resigned? Yes. I’m just used to it and i don’t ever want to upset the applecart. He’s definitely calmed down in other areas but online activity is still a prob. (I’m hardly ever online and this and FB are the only sites i participate in. )Sigh.

PS
Good job with jury duty IG.
PPS
My dog is like my child too and I’m very, very particular with who can mind her if we go away. Basically I want to take her with us on our next vacation.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

^ That's just wrong imo, Jamie. I understand not wanting to rock the boat but wow. I'm a little bit biased about my opinions about stalking people online, because I've been stalked online, by my ex-wife. She harassed me and eventually made some very hostile, very offensive posts about me on another anxiety site. They were mostly lies. And I confronted her, and they were removed.

Anyway she didn't start out by stalking me, and making offensive posts that basically called me a liar...she started out by looking over my shoulder to see what I was posting. I didn't always log out of that site, either. But I figured "who cares what I post there, it's all anonymous anyway, who cares". Well it turns out she cared lol.

Imo it's a way of manipulating and trying to control someone. For anyone that's not a member of this site, it's none of their goddamned business what gets posted here. You cannot, imo, justify it...there is no excuse for spying on someone or looking over someone's shoulder like that. Just my $.02.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

^ Yeah I can't even bring myself to touch facebook groups. I was a part of one for a while, one that formed from an anxiety site like this one. But I eventually left. I was never comfortable posting anything in there, even though it supposedly couldn't be seen by non-members. I never have trusted facebook, they have too much of my personal information. And it turns out I was right to not trust them.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

Wish more people got on here. Also wish it weren't so stupid hot.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

> Yeah, I wonder why the pace hasn't picked up on here.  I think it was more active in the past, but a lot of those people stopped visiting.



Well I hope it picks up again. SAS was terrible and I much prefer the way this forum is owned and operated.

----------


## Doseone

> Well I hope it picks up again. SAS was terrible and I much prefer the way this forum is owned and operated.



SAS is like 90% trolls nowadays. lol.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

Yeah. Didn't enjoy the environment.

----------


## Otherside

So person im going into a houseshare with wants to set up a joint banked account. I don't know them that well. 

I'm currently grinding my teeth trying to explain why that is a very, very stupid idea. I don't think it's gone down well.

----------


## JamieWAgain

Here?s what you say Otherside..?No?. 
No explanation needed. It?s a horrible idea and I think it?s a red flag. Proceed with caution and just simply say NO.

----------


## Otherside

> Here?s what you say Otherside..?No?. 
> No explanation needed. It?s a horrible idea and I think it?s a red flag. Proceed with caution and just simply say NO.



Pretty much what I've said to them. As you said, it's an awful idea. Could end up going very, very badly which is what I can't seem to get through to one person.

----------


## fetisha

Sore body and not sure why..

----------


## Otherside

> Need to get another haircut.
> 
> 
> 
> I can't imagine why someone, outside of a husband and wife relationship, would want a joint bank account.



Supposedly, it's the easiest way to pay bills. It's sets up, We'd all pay in a certain amount per month, bills paid out of that.

Of course, I'm trusting that two people won't decide to take a large sum from it leaving me liable for paying off the overdraft whilst they abscond to Spain. On the lesser side of things (I don't know if it works like this in the US), I'm "financially linked" to them if I do this, meaning that if they have money issues elsewhere,  I'm stuck with the effects of that for the next six years.

----------


## Cuchculan

> Supposedly, it's the easiest way to pay bills. It's sets up, We'd all pay in a certain amount per month, bills paid out of that.
> 
> Of course, I'm trusting that two people won't decide to take a large sum from it leaving me liable for paying off the overdraft whilst they abscond to Spain. On the lesser side of things (I don't know if it works like this in the US), I'm "financially linked" to them if I do this, meaning that if they have money issues elsewhere,  I'm stuck with the effects of that for the next six years.



Only way that would work out is if each person hands over X amount on a weekly basis or monthly basis. Be it 100 or 200 on the table. So you can all see that everybody has handed over the same amount. No excuses from anybody accepted. Money has to be handed over on time by everybody. If people don't agree with this, then I would not agree with anything other form of handing cash over to anybody.

----------


## Otherside

Insomnias being a pain. My head is screaming at me, won't shut up and I'm stuck in a state of utter panic and all is doom and gloom.

Took a quetiapine to try and get my head to shut up and to try and sleep. That'll be fun tomorrow.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> Insomnias being a pain. My head is screaming at me, won't shut up and I'm stuck in a state of utter panic and all is doom and gloom.
> 
> Took a quetiapine to try and get my head to shut up and to try and sleep. That'll be fun tomorrow.



The patients I was in the hospital with were amazed at what I took to help with sleep every night. I take 100mg quetiapine, 100mg trazadone and 20mg baclofen (which is basically valium). FWIW, trazadone really helps me sleep through the night. But it gives some people horrible hangovers.

----------


## Ironman

> SAS is like 90% trolls nowadays. lol.







> Yeah. Didn't enjoy the environment.



This site is what that one used to be....more personable and responsible....and it works here!  

I have been a member of that site since February 2005 and it has been turned into a SA warzone.

----------


## Ironman

> So person im going into a houseshare with wants to set up a joint banked account. I don't know them that well. 
> 
> I'm currently grinding my teeth trying to explain why that is a very, very stupid idea. I don't think it's gone down well.



Yep - you gotta say no.  It's trouble.  If it doesn't work out, you might get left with a lot of trouble......and possibly an empty bank account even if it requires double signature (eew, that could be court stuff).

Separate accounts at the minimum.  You gotta protect your goodies.

----------


## kevinjoseph

Something that is bothering me right now is that the person who lives in the apartment directly above mine has a tendency to play excessively loud music and stomp around for hours at a time, last night he started around 530pm or 6pm and didn't let up until after 10pm.  I had to call the non-emergency police line in my city three times because of this before and file a formal complaint with the property management office here before it stopped last time.  I don't like to involve the police, or make formal complaints about this, but it is intolerably loud and seems like it will keep happening.  My other neighbors say it was a consistent problem long long before I moved in here toward the end of January of this year.  I don't understand how this person can believe what he is doing is okay, or how my neighbors can put up with it.  I have to do what I can to make sure it doesn't continue, and if that means I have to call the police nightly and file more formal complaints, I will do it without much hesitation.  

Vent over.  

 :so mad:

----------


## Otherside

> Something that is bothering me right now is that the person who lives in the apartment directly above mine has a tendency to play excessively loud music and stomp around for hours at a time, last night he started around 530pm or 6pm and didn't let up until after 10pm. I had to call the non-emergency police line in my city three times because of this before and file a formal complaint with the property management office here before it stopped last time. I don't like to involve the police, or make formal complaints about this, but it is intolerably loud and seems like it will keep happening. My other neighbors say it was a consistent problem long long before I moved in here toward the end of January of this year. I don't understand how this person can believe what he is doing is okay, or how my neighbors can put up with it. I have to do what I can to make sure it doesn't continue, and if that means I have to call the police nightly and file more formal complaints, I will do it without much hesitation. 
> 
> Vent over.



Person who lived above me in the last flat I lived in had a tendency to do this. Constant partying, door slamming, sex noises, and on one occasion, random schreeching at one AM. The fact that the person is still alive is a great testament to my self-control. Took several callouts to security and many grumpy emails to the landlord (who eventually threatened to fine them and withhold the deposit at the end of the tenancy) before it got stopped.  

Other than that, earplugs are your friend, but it really shouldn't come to that. If you're really feeling petty, smack the roof with a broom or something at 6am.

----------


## MobileChucko

Right now I am having a problem with my PSA (prostate) level being elevated, and this might indicate prostate cancer.  I will have another level drawn tomorrow afternoon, and will see my doctor again on Friday to discuss the results.  If it's elevated again I'll need to have another biopsy done.  Well wish me luck if you will...  Chucko :silly:

----------


## kevinjoseph

> Right now I am having a problem with my PSA (prostate) level being elevated, and this might indicate prostate cancer.  I will have another level drawn tomorrow afternoon, and will see my doctor again on Friday to discuss the results.  If it's elevated again I'll need to have another biopsy done.  Well wish me luck if you will...  Chucko



Good luck, Chuck.  My father had prostate cancer, and while it didn't kill him, it certainly wasn't fun for him.  I don't much about it, but I believe it is an easier cancer to treat than others can be.  

Also, keep on flopping/rolling around on the floor like some kind of orange cat/hamster thing.  

 :silly:

----------


## MobileChucko

Thanks for your words of wisdom, Kev-O-Friend!  Yep, this has got my anxiety brewing, and my blood pressure is up, so none of this is any fun at all.  Still, life is life, and it's gonna be what it's gonna be.  Have a great day, Kev!...  Chucko :silly:

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Something my therapist said a while back is really bugging me, I can't get it out of my head. I may even change therapists, just over this one thing, in one conversation we had. At first I was telling myself it's no big deal, just forget about it. But. No. It most definitely is a big deal. And I shouldn't forget about it. What I should do is probably find a new therapist.

God I hate that word. Therapist. For me, it's the most hated word in the English language. For a number of reasons. But I won't go there.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

If I don't change something soon I may not make it to the end of the year.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

So, the cute upper 20 to lower 30-something woman that lives two doors down from me is still here. My neighbor and I were talking a few weeks ago and he said he thought she moved out. Not so, apparently. We just have very different schedules, and have been missing each other as we come and go. She's kind of cute. I've talked about her before but it's been a long time. A few years ago, when my cousin and I were roommates, he tried to hook us up. He said she was a "sure thing" (his words not mine so don't get mad at me lol). He said "Bro all you have to do is show up with a bottle of red and some Netflix and you'd be in bed together before the night started. She likes you".

I've talked to her some. She's been in my place, when my cousin was here and we hung out for a while, all three of us, but nothing has ever happened between me and her. Anyways I just saw her and chatted her up a little bit, she was on the way to the pool with her friend. She smiled and said I should go swimming with them lol.

I said ok, but on the way back to my place I immediately thought of a billion different reasons why I can't go. Mostly I'd be too anxious. Oh well. *sigh* It sucks to be me sometimes lmao.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

Tired and distracted. Didn't get hardly anything useful done today.

----------


## JamieWAgain

I hope you go to the pool and talk to the cute girl, IG. You can do it!

----------


## fetisha

I think I'm gone mentally..

----------


## InvisibleGuy

> I hope you go to the pool and talk to the cute girl, IG. You can do it!



Lmao, thanks for cheerleading.

*rah rah rah*

I didn't go. I think sometimes it's easier for me to self-hate, and beat myself up for not doing it, than it is to take a chance and go talk to her. Ffs, it's not even that big of a risk.

Also, it's really not the approaching or the talking that gets me. I can make conversation, and flirt for an hour or two that's easy. What gets me is, what if it winds up being something more than friends. I don't expect that to make sense. It doesn't lol.

----------


## JamieWAgain

I can’t even say what’s upsetting me. What’s bothering me. I. JUST. CANNOT. DO.  THIS. ANYMORE. I. CANNOT. 
IM ON MY KNEES GOD. IM ON MY KNEES. why won’t you help lord? Why God, why won’t you help. I give up.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

Some people just love to stir the pot. They don't care how it hurts or disrupts other people as long as they stir the friggin pot.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

My right arm hurts from throwing the football in the lake with my kids and dad lol. Actually, my whole body is sore. But sore for a good reason, it felt good to spend a lot of time with my kids this weekend. I could go for a while without playing "Monkey in the Middle" again, though.

We were at a beautiful RV park right on the lake, but it's kind of in East Texas. So this morning I invented a new game where you have to talk like you're from East Texas, and say stupid nonsensical things, like you're a redneck from East Texas. I won't bother to explain it, either you get it or you don't lol. If you've ever been to East Texas you'd get the game, otherwise you probably wouldn't. We adlibbed everything. Was pretty hilarious.

What's bothering me is I'm sore. And my kids talked in an East Texas accent and said ridiculous things most of the two and half hour drive home. lmao. oh well, I started it.

----------


## SadAndIsolated

I'm alone when I need help.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

Always frustrated with something and the usual escapes keep working less and less.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

My dad’s brother and his wife are staying with my parents for a while...they sold their house and are house hunting for a new one and need a place to stay until. My kids and I are staying with my parents for the weekend. It’s a lot of people here, but that’s ok as they have plenty of room.

What’s bothering me is my aunt and uncle are about to strangle each other. Buying a house is verrry stressful, I get that. But they can’t decide on a house. Part of the problem is there is no such thing as the perfect house and they need to realize that.

Also, I feel like my aunt is trying to get me to take her side somehow. She’s venting to me tonight, a lot. Which is fine. We get along really well and I’m there for her if she needs to talk. But I am NOT taking sides on this. No fuqing way.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

Birthdays suck.

----------


## Otherside

Pretty bad case of homesickness that is making me miserable. 

I'm hoping it will begin to lift a bit soon, otherwise it is going to be a very long and miserable year.

----------


## whisperingzombking

At a bbq recently / sisters birthday.  A guy.  An Irish anti English guy.  He sings songs for the death of the English. All kinds of horrible.   My sister is married to a man who has Irish ancestry.  Why he has a friend who is anti English I don't know why.  
I was up close to this filth.  Filth ( as I call him ) asked how I was ( casual British?  Small talk ) . He's small  ( of course ) . This so called man sings anti English songs infront of my niece and nephew.  He . I'm sure.  Knows of my lack of heterosexuality. 
If in a fight this guy is easily subdued. A couple inches shorter and alot less broader.
My sister dislikes him. Her husband  ( half Irish ) seems to think this guy is acceptable to be in decent company

----------


## SadAndIsolated

I have no idea how I should be or how I want to be on these forums.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I don't know how to be anymore. I am so so so lost.

----------


## SadAndIsolated

I talk about myself too much.  I know it...  But people don't talk to me anyways.  It's confusing.

----------


## SadAndIsolated

I have a really bad memory of something that happened to me on SAS that I wish I could forget,  but can't.  Several days ago I was reminded of what happened and I found  myself talking about it.  Also the person who brought it to my  attention died a short while back.    I try harder to stay away from any online drama.  I don't seek for attention as hard as I used too, for fear.     If you ever see a thread written about someone in a negative way  please don't tell the person about it.  Just report it.  Let the  moderators sort things out, that is what they are here for!  It's much  better to be banned from a forum then to be humiliated by a bunch of  people teaming up against you.  In this case the mods ruled that I did  nothing wrong and took the thread down, but I got to live with the bad  memory.

----------


## whisperingzombking

Frustrated at the horrible women accusing Henry cavil of being a rapist.  This is exactly his point.

----------


## JamieWAgain

I cannot stand liars. I SERIOUSLY DISLIKE LIARS.

----------


## kevinjoseph

> This was news to me.  I had to look it up.  And then I saw this funny twitter response.  
> 
> 
> "This is absurd. If Henry Cavill doesn?t want to be called a rapist then all he has to do is? not rape anyone.
> The mental gymnastics some men are doing to position themselves as ?victims? of #MeToo is insane. pic.twitter.com/nafnZiaXGH
> ? Helen Price (@HelenRPrice) July 11, 2018"
> 
> 
> I don't see where anyone is accusing him of being a rapist though.



"If you don't want to be accused of being poor than just don't be poor."

 :silly:

----------


## whisperingzombking

Dig deep enough and you'll see the misandrists use words like above which basically insinuate him as a creep, predator,  sexual assaulter. ...

----------


## whisperingzombking

Their words are tantamount to accusing him of rape. There's alot of it on twitter . Alot vileness directed towards him.

----------


## kevinjoseph

> Not sure where you're going with that.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I looked at several news articles and didn't see mention of women accusing him of actual rape.  I only read about him speaking of hypothetical situations.



Sunrise, I just meant telling a person something like that doesn't make sense to me.  Sorry, Sunrise.

----------


## fetisha

worried about what the dentist will say about my teeth in a few weeks.

----------


## Otherside

So started a new job. Get letter today telling my tax bill has been updated. Log in to account to discover that I am apparently earning a hell of a lot more than I _actually am_, and that the government is apparently due a nice, hefty chunk of my next paycheck. Like, a large majority it, to the point that I wouldn't have even gone to work if that was going to be my takehome.   :hit wall: 

Thanks HR.

----------


## Doseone

Wishing I could undo my mistakes. I wish I was a better person.

----------


## fetisha

> Wishing I could undo my mistakes. I wish I was a better person.



same here

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

I wish I could stop getting excited to enjoy things when I know people will let me down anyway.

----------


## fetisha

trying to get better mentally is too fucking hard, I might well accept being a messed up freak! :/

----------


## SadAndIsolated

I wish I had a girl friend and my life was moving forward.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

So tired of being disappointed. Also tired of having to be my mom's friggin mother. A grown woman constantly in need of a talking to by her child. It gets old fast.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

Not much bothering me, for once.

I'm stressing over buying a new car. It's time lol. The transmission is going out in mine. What I'm driving now is a strange make and model...not a BMW but it's made by BMW. It absolutely hauls ***. I'll miss that car. It has 190,000 miles on it, which is not at all unusual for that make and model. So I should still get something for trade-in, even with all it's current problems.

I'm looking at a lot of different make and models right now. I have my heart set on an Infiniti lol. The number one rule in buying a car, new or used, is to not get your heart set on something. You have to be able to walk away. And I kind of have my heart set on this Infiniti. Which. Means it'll probably not be the one I end up with. That's usually the way it turns out.

----------


## Otherside

Okay let's see. 

Homesickness, loneliness, the council being useless, heat preventing me from sleeping which is causing my mental health to deteriorate, and the fact that I'll have to argue with the doctors tomorrow over being handed a prescription for my meds - which runs out in three days time, and which I would like to keep taking because it actually works.

My colleague told me to go home today. I feel awkward thinking that if I wasn't in work everytime something like this was up with it, there would be a large number of sick days on record.

----------


## SadAndIsolated

I think I could quit hoping for a female friend if my sex drive would die.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

^ I have a few female friends. Well, casual friends....not life-long, tell-me-your-deepest-darkest-fears-or-secrets kind of friends.

I met a few people at the concert I went to with my daughter last night. I'm not exactly gonna try and get phone numbers or anything like that with my daughter there lmao. But I met a few girls, and had some pleasant conversations with them while we were waiting for the doors to open.

I'm becoming more and more convinced that I don't want anything more than a friendship with women. That's it. Not even a friends-with-benefits, cos those can get complicated, I know first hand. Anything other than friends gets really complicated, tbh.

And, meh, right now at least I don't feel like I'm missing anything. Women (and men) my age tend to have a lot of baggage if they're single. Including me. I just don't feel like dealing with it all and trying to make it all work somehow. For me to make an exception at this point, she'd have to really knock me off my feet. She'd have to be one pretty amazing woman.

----------


## fetisha

going to the dentist today was so awkward ugh! Everyone in this damn country always forcing small talk on me! stay out of my space!

----------


## fetisha

I hate anti biotics with a burning passion!

----------


## Otherside

Disillusionment and anger. Part of me just feels like going [BEEP] it at this point. 

I genuinely hate people who use there mental health as an excuse for shitty behaviour...and then take responsibility for that, or make amends. We're just expected to "be okay" with it. Forgive even though they seem to just...not care.

----------


## kdcwil

No one has the patience to listen when I need them. Makes me sad.

----------


## fetisha

more unpleasant flashbacks  ::(:

----------


## InvisibleGuy

It is hot as a [BEEP] here. It's ridiculous. Trying to remember that August is usually as bad as it gets. Usually. I f-ing hate the heat. In winter you can bundle up, but there's not much you can do if the "feels like" temp is 110 degrees.

When I was in Austin a while back, they actually hit 110 degrees. They had 17 consecutive days over 100. And they're hotter than Houston. Which I can't figure out, cos they're north of us.

----------


## whisperingzombking

A certain someone on here bothers me. Perhaps it's their very existence or the words they speak but I wish they'd vanish. .........

----------


## InvisibleGuy

The latest (sarcasm) reports of sexual assaults by Catholic priests and bishops in the news really makes me sick. Almost physically ill. I say latest with a sarcastic tone because it's been going on not for years but for decades, and there is no doubt, no doubt in my mind there are still priests out there sexually abusing children right now. There is no such thing as the "latest" really. It's just more and more victims coming forward, and more and more priests and bishops and cardinals being accused.

It's sad. It really is.

Thank God (pun intended) that I left the Catholic church years ago. This is of course just my opinion, but I wonder what it would take for those that haven't left the church to leave. I mean, seriously. What would it take?

I put having my children in a safe place and not being exposed to sexual predators pretty high on my list of priorities when it comes to choosing a place of worship. But. Meh. That's just me.

----------


## whisperingzombking

The women at work are annoying me. They can't seem to do anything themselves. Apparently they need me to fix and do everything for them. Cleaning is not difficult.  If a woman can push a baby out, she can carry a large sack or push a buffing machine or ...sweep!!!! 
Honestly,  I don't hate women, I just think they often cherry pick equality.  I really need to start working around men then I won't have to carry them ( figuratively ) . I'm looking to ask my boss for a pay rise, which I'm sure if the others found put they'd scream 
" gender wage gap!!!" , even though I do much more work than anyone else, work faster, harder, don't smoke, work longer hours and have a higher quality of cleaning.  How is it fair that they get paid the same as me?

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm already missing my car  ::(:   I had to take it in because one of the sensors on the convertible top is acting up. It still works OK, I just want to get it fixed before it possibly leads to more problems.

I love that car lol. It's bordering on obsession. It's pretty awesome, has 330 hp, 0 to 60 in about five seconds, which isn't bad considering it's a V6/3.7L dual exhaust. It absolutely hauls ass.

I'm borrowing one of my parents cars. I want my baby back. It's probably gonna be Monday. I'm thinking of naming her, but can't decide on one. Have several I'm considering.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

oh ffs.

 :flyingpig:

----------


## SadAndIsolated

It bothers me that I know people in real life that had good luck with online dating and yet I wasted 12 years of my life trying to meet someone online.  I tell you what that is a really good way to make a person feel awful and worthless, out of touch.  I can't even list every negative feeling that came across to me today when I spoke with one person, who told me that most of her friends met online.  I simply told her It sucked for me!  She said oh I'm sorry.  I said nothing and walked away angry.

----------


## InvisibleGuy

I'm so, so tired. I mean....the kind of tired that leaves your soul just empty almost. I don't have much more to give. 

I guess in a way its a good kind of exhaustion.

If I went back to the beginning of this week, and could change anything, any of my decisions I would not. 

I saw my new psychiatrist. That is just a huge, huge deal for me. For someone with very serious trust issues, going to that first visit is a big deal. We covered a lot of ground,a whole lot for a first visit. 

I can't put it into words but I think I trust him. It's just a feeling I have, a vibe.

----------


## fetisha

me: *dresses like a tom boy*

people: "dress more feminine! You are so ugly!"

me: *wears a skirt* (mostly when its hot outside)

people: "you are showing too much skin! your dress/skirt is too short"

Me: UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

Every noise and invasive thought is like nails on a chalkboard right now. I just want to sleep but my brain doesn't care what I want.

Also, circumstances forced me to get a Facebook temporarily and all the friend requests have been a literal nightmare. Thank goodness I can deactivate it now.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

Terrified of tomorrow. I hope I get hit by a truck or otherwise injured so I have a really good excuse to bow out of the day.

----------


## Otherside

Worried for a member of my family right now. It's made worst by the fact that there's very little I can do, and the outcome is fairly inevitable at this point. It's just a question of when they're going to pass away, and is the person's wish to not remain in hospital going to be respected.

----------


## shyVr6

Just wondering, but is anyone else IP banned on SAS right now if you still visit that site?

----------


## Otherside

> Just wondering, but is anyone else IP banned on SAS right now if you still visit that site?



I'm not. 

You may have ended up with an IP thats been previously banned for whatever reason. I'd check if yours is on this. https://whatismyipaddress.com/blacklist-check

----------


## shyVr6

Thanks for the link. It says I'm flagged on one place, but I don't think that's related to anything here.

----------


## Koalafan

Having music I dont want stuck in my head >.<

----------


## Otherside

Feeling crappy again. Wondering how the heck I'm supposed to get through this week's training course. Felt like I was going to pass out this afternoon. Currently achy all over.

----------


## fetisha

I hate birthdays, I wish this day would end already

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

I'm really worried about tomorrow. Not only do I have to do something I'm terrified of but I also have to go to friggin work...

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

I hope it worked. I'm so worried.

----------


## Koalafan

Hyper focusing on the wrong things today >.<

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

So paranoid all day. Tomorrow and next week will be worse. I'm at the end of my rope.

----------


## Otherside

Took the day off work today because I felt like crap. Still feel like slight crap, probably shouldn't go back into tomorrow work, but feel guilty enough calling in sick today.

----------


## fetisha

I'm so pathetic for still getting too attached to people so easily and being addicted to romantic relationship. I want to be happy with being single. I want to disappear so bad. I always feel like I'm being watched everywhere I go and im tired of it!!

----------


## JamieWAgain

Feeling triggered to my mother’s remarks about the Kavanaugh hearings. Actually mom, the witness was NOT hysterical. Actually she was NOT. acting like a 15 year old. The Democrats were hysterical. The witness was calm and collected. Very triggered. I was not hysterical either mom when I tried to tell a psychologist that you were beating the [BEEP] out of me when I was 15. You said I was making it up and he believed you. Why on earth would I ever risk being told I was lying and crazy again. Why on earth would I ever tell the truth again??
You’ll have to answer to someone, somewhere someday for what you did to me. And I had a witness each and every time. You destroyed him too. It’s only fitting that all you have now is your house and your things. It’s only fitting that all that you fought for, at the risk of your daughter, has now become your prison.

----------


## Relle

Dealing with loneliness, anxiety about a new job, and overthinking a lot of things.

----------


## fetisha

I wish people in this god awful country wasn't so obsessed with hating on shy people like me. If you don't like how I am then FU*K OFF! Seems like foreign men from other countries like how shy I am more but I am stuck in america  ::(:

----------


## Doseone

My laptop broke. I had tons of music on it too. Now I need to figure out how to either fix it or retrieve my files. Dammit!

----------


## Otherside

So I'm mid twenties now. I know who I am. Hell, I accepted that. I'm fine with that. 

But it just feels like...who I am isn't good enough really. 

Seems like I'm expected to be "more social". And that the lack thereof of socialness in my life is unhealthy. 

I'm just so tired of explaining to people that me becoming a social butterfly isn't going to happen. I'm not suddenly going to have a "flat family" with my flatmates. It didn't happen last year, and it certainly won't happen this year, not least of all because one of them is beginning to pis me off with his rather disgusting habits. So why the [BEEP] would I want to continue with this? I'm happier on my own. I have the money to do so now. I am moving out and going alone as soon as the lease on this place expires. 

And besides all that? Well moving here and working has confirmed what I have feared all along, sadly. There is quite probably a reason as to why I cannot deal with people well, and why it seems that I just don't...connect at all with people. 

Can I say I'm happy with this? I don't know. I don't know how I feel.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

Legal bull is almost over, which should make me happy but work and home bull keeps getting worse and worse. Just want to have some peace and a little less pain in my legs. Could not yelling maybe happen for like a week or so, so I could catch my breath?

----------


## Otherside

My brain.

----------


## Otherside

Signed off from work sick. I feel incredibly embarrassed about the whole thing. I was tempted to ignire the sick note but well, even my mother has told me to take.time off. And generally, if my mother is telling me to...it's probably a hint I'm not well.

----------


## Otherside

I'm probably going to have to have the discussion with my employer about my mental health when I get back, and why that breakdown occurred. 

I mean, this could have possibly been avoided if I'd actually taken a day off sick earlier, or if I'd actually gone to the doctor's at an earlier date.

Instead it got to the point where I had some sort of a mental crash. 

Thank God work is being understanding about this. And we have income protection I guess.

----------


## Liam

> I'm feeling more and more self conscious over the years to the point where I don't want to go out in public or post anything on here since people seem so triggered by my existence -___-



you'll get there

----------


## Otherside

Struggling epically with my housemate. He's making it seem as though it is unreasonable for me to want to turn the heating on, in November, when theres frost out. 

Under normal circumstances this would not be. When I have a health condition that is made considerably worse by the fact that it is freezing, it definitely is not. 

It is not unreasonable of me to want to want the heating on when not having it on results in me being in pain, struggling to move and the formation of blood blisters. Heck, I've even offered to pay for the heating if it's really an issue. It shouldn't be. As a household, were pulling it 50k combined. He's not financially struggling. He simply has some desire to spend as little as possible, and impose that on everyone else. 

Heck to make matters worse - throw open a window, why not. In November. Apparently that is also rational behaviour. 

Sent from my FIG-LX1 using Tapatalk

----------


## fetisha

migraines

----------


## fetisha

I wish everyone on earth wasn't so aganist me!

----------


## orb

> Why does death have to be so hard?



 :Hug:

----------


## Otherside

So I don't deal well with noise, parties and huge gatherings. It's not really news. Generally, I only cope if I'm drunk. 

I definatley don't deal well with them when I have no warning and it's just dumped on me. 

Certainly I do not deal well after I have been up at 630am to get a bus, then a train, then the underground, and then the underground to get to an airport, which I then spend three hours in thanks to a storm delaying my flight, and then when I board, I'm stuck sat on the flight for an hour waiting for the next slot to take off. 

Then to find that I have to attend a social gathering, when I'm enough of a nervous wreck as it is!

And I am aware, that in the grand scale of things, this may be minor to you. But I've got here and I already just want to get a taxi back to the airport and fly home before I tear my eardrums out in an attempt to shut out this noise. 

And Aunt, FYI, it's none of your business that my cousin's wife has had her tube tied, and leave her the [BEEP] alone about that!

----------


## Ironman

I think I have hit a point where I am on too much medication; there aren't any triggers at the moment and I am sleeping a lot.  It can't be just December up here.  I am on Vitamin D and Magnesium.  I shouldn't be so lethargic.  
I might have to go down to 15mg of Paxil again.

----------


## fetisha

I don't want to exist.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

Dogs eyes are swollen shut. :c Poor guy looks so sad.

----------


## fetisha

I thought my pms/pmdd session was over  ::(:

----------


## fetisha

I don't want to exist! Ugh!

----------


## Otherside

I got yet another ?120ish fine again today, sorry - penalty charge - for not paying my prescription charges. 

Apparently I said I was exempt when I'm not exempt. 

I'm not exempt. Im supposed to pay. That's why I prepay upfront for my prescriptions, the cost of which the NHS is quite happily taking from my bank account each month whilst continually saying I'm committing fraud. 

I thought I'd solved this when I finally managed to get someone to admit they were spelling my name wrong, but it seems not. 

Sent from my FIG-LX1 using Tapatalk

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

I'm so tired.

----------


## kevinjoseph

> I'm so tired.



It's all that neck-rolling you're doing.  I want you to know I appreciate it, and that it has made my life worth living.  But seriously, if you need to talk, I'm here.

----------


## Relle

Just feeling down and under the weather

----------


## Cuchculan

> Just feeling down and under the weather



Look at it this way. December 21st was the shortest day of the year. After that date we gain 4 minutes of extra daylight every day up until June 21st when it goes into reverse. I always look at that date as a turning point in the year. We won't notice the days getting brighter for another month or so. The weather will still be crap. But Summer is on the way.

----------


## fetisha

I feel like I trigger most people by my existence without even trying so hard. just leave me alone or ignore me *sigh*

----------


## sunrise

Ok, so you're a misogynist, congrats.  Stay away from women then.

----------


## Relle

Being tormented by my thoughts, not in a happy place at all.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

> It's all that neck-rolling you're doing.  I want you to know I appreciate it, and that it has made my life worth living.  But seriously, if you need to talk, I'm here.



Neck-rolling? 

Thanks Kev. Being alive is exhausting.

----------


## kevinjoseph

Your neck waving seal avatar.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

> Your neck waving seal avatar.



Oh I totally forgot about my avatar's neck waving.

----------


## fetisha

Oh goodie a mild toothache *sigh*

----------


## sunrise

the ongoing sh*t show of this administration

----------


## whisperingzombking

People who don't know what sexism is

----------


## fetisha

First a second extraction happen last summer  now a crown replacement from being put in in 2006 (I forgot all about it  and was so dumb to assume they last forever) and I need something to get rid of my sugar cravings  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

Well I've finally snapped. I can't keep doing this. 

I can't "pretend" that I'm okay and all is going well. It's not. You can't pretend that the reason is that I'm not is the fact I'm not following medical advice (the...fuck...)

I shouldn't be surprised. My thyroid is fucked, I can't get treatment and you're insisting that the reasons behind my symptoms is a "lack of sleep" (try a fourteen hours average), bad diet (and you know this how?) or lack of exercise (see previous point). 

It was a similar story with my mood swings - which turned out to be bipolar disorder after a whole load of hell. I guess that one became difficult to deny. 

I shouldn't be made to feel like [BEEP] every time I try and talk to you. 

Sent from my FIG-LX1 using Tapatalk

----------


## Relle

Just life and hating having mental health problems

----------


## fetisha

Opinions opinions thats all I see on the internet! People should just shut the hell up for once and let people live their lives the way they want to and accept it geez!

----------


## SadAndIsolated

People bother me because I can't understand them.

----------


## Doseone

> Opinions opinions thats all I see on the internet! People should just shut the hell up for once and let people live their lives the way they want to and accept it geez!



Yeah, well that's just like, your opinion, man.

----------


## Doseone

> People bother me because I can't understand them.



Why do you have a UFO in your avatar?

No one really understands much of anything. We're all just mostly winging it, I think.

----------


## SadAndIsolated

> Why do you have a UFO in your avatar?
> 
> No one really understands much of anything. We're all just mostly winging it, I think.



I don't really believe in UFO's in the traditional way.  I think they are spiritual beings.  Probably demons.  With that being said, I've always enjoyed the idea that someone from outer space might be visiting us.  Months ago I ran into someone who does believe in UFO's and we started talking about them.  I decided that I needed to change my avatar to something.  So I chose a UFO.  lol

----------


## fetisha

> Why do you have a UFO in your avatar?
> 
> No one really understands much of anything. We're all just mostly winging it, I think.



I really don't like  being opinionated but they were driving me crazy. *Shrugs*

----------


## fetisha

> I don't really believe in UFO's in the traditional way.  I think they are spiritual beings.  Probably demons.  With that being said, I've always enjoyed the idea that someone from outer space might be visiting us.  Months ago I ran into someone who does believe in UFO's and we started talking about them.  I decided that I needed to change my avatar to something.  So I chose a UFO.  lol



I watched a video about signs you have been abducted by aliens and I got most of the signs and I'm freaked out :/

----------


## SadAndIsolated

> I watched a video about signs you have been abducted and I got most of the signs and I'm freaked out :/



I hope that someday you will get over some of your fears.  With that being said, I have no idea if you've been abducted or not.  But don't let it worry you too much.  There are crazy things in this world that will drive you mad if you let them.  Everyone has things that freak them out.  Some of us just haft to work harder at not letting our fears take over our lives.

Now I want to address the UFO abduction thing.  I think there are people who have been abducted, and is also one of the reasons why I think those beings are evil.  They usually scare people, and perform strange tests, that emotionally disturbs the person for years.  Interestingly enough, I heard one story where a woman got abducted and as the Alien was coming over to do a test on her, she started to think about Jesus.  The Alien stopped and said "Please don't think about that"  She kept thinking about Jesus and the Alien's left her alone.  Do what you want with that story.  But it sure isn't any stranger than all the other abduction stories.  I think if that story really happened then that proves that they are demonic.

----------


## fetisha

Yay another panic attack!

----------


## Doseone

> I hope that someday you will get over some of your fears.  With that being said, I have no idea if you've been abducted or not.  But don't let it worry you too much.  There are crazy things in this world that will drive you mad if you let them.  Everyone has things that freak them out.  Some of us just haft to work harder at not letting our fears take over our lives.
> 
> Now I want to address the UFO abduction thing.  I think there are people who have been abducted, and is also one of the reasons why I think those beings are evil.  They usually scare people, and perform strange tests, that emotionally disturbs the person for years.  Interestingly enough, I heard one story where a woman got abducted and as the Alien was coming over to do a test on her, she started to think about Jesus.  The Alien stopped and said "Please don't think about that"  She kept thinking about Jesus and the Alien's left her alone.  Do what you want with that story.  But it sure isn't any stranger than all the other abduction stories.  I think if that story really happened then that proves that they are demonic.



That's funny because when I was abducted praying to Jesus did nothing for me. The aliens just laughed and passed me a blunt.

----------


## SadAndIsolated

> That's funny because when I was abducted praying to Jesus did nothing for me. The aliens just laughed and passed me a blunt.



Reminds me of this:
Acts 19:13-16

----------


## fetisha

I'm so tired of existing.

----------


## Otherside

Had a job interview today. Seized up in anxiety, couldn't remember even the simplest thing. Id reheresed this. 

I hate it when my anxiety makes me look incompetent. Because I'm not. I don't pretend to be the most amazing engineer on the planet, but I am least capable and competent. 

Sent from my SM-G960F using Tapatalk

----------


## fetisha

my inner ear won't stop itching and I know inserting a qtip is bad but it feels good and the itch goes away.

----------


## fetisha

Oh goody another panic attack beginning of this month just like in feb ---________--

----------


## fetisha

I wish I could be a better mom

----------


## fetisha

> Sorry about that.  Interviews are just impossible - awkward, artificial, high pressure.  Hope the next one goes better.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> When I do that, I dip the q tip in alcohol so while I'm scratching in there, I'm hopefully disinfecting whatever is causing the itch.



I never heard of that, I always use peroxide.

----------


## Otherside

I don't know why I keep dealing with people who make me feel inadequete, worthless and useless. I don't know why I keep trying to give a damn. It's the same cycle, over and over again.

----------


## fetisha

> I was referring to rubbing alcohol.  I grew up with my mom using that on wounds (or iodine solution).  She never used peroxide so that's more foreign to me.



I know you meant rubbing alcohol, I'm used to hearing peroxide helps.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

I'm stupid. Also annoying. Wish I realized sooner.

----------


## fetisha

I don't want to leave my house for a while, my agrophobia is getting worse. I wish I could find the right medication.

----------


## fetisha

I ll probably never fit in on this planet (especially in america) cause of my fu*ked up weird personality.

----------


## Otherside

I'm potentially having to consider paying for rent, or continue paying for my mental healthcare once I leave my job in a month, and I lose the private medical insurance. In a country with state healthcare. 

Why? Well, said state healthcare appears to not be taking me seriously. I've had to fight to even be stuck on a wait list, despite the fact that I've been signed off work twice now because of my mental health. I'm in work, so supposedly, I'm "coping" and "functioning" and "not sick enough." They dont seem to realise that that "in work" fact has been fraught with two instances of being signed off sick (one instance of which was almost three months off), and the fact that currently, I have not had a week where I've been in for all five days, nine to five in a while (I've either gone home ill, or taken holiday in order to manage a week). I've not been fired because a)I'm leaving in a few weeks, so it's currently more bother than it's honestly worth HR at this point and b)my company, my manager and the HR department has thankfully, been rather understanding with this whole, crappy year and has told me they're fine with me being off as much I am. 

I honestly feel I will not be taken seriously unless I do something exceptionally stupid (which was the only reason I got a referral to the mental health team the last time I was seriously ill). 

The joke in all this? I'm actually diagnosed with a severe mental health disorder, that cannot be "cured" or "treated" with the six CBT sessions I keep getting offered (the therapist of which, admits shes out of depth here and that i need to be dealt with by the mental health team, not talking therapies). I've been told by both my GP, my therapist and the private consultant I'm seeing that I will a)need to be seen by them or another psych fortnightly for a while, long term, and b)that I'm currently relapsing. Heck, the guidelines even state that I need to be seen by a consultant for a review of my condition yearly, which hasn't exactly happened. 

Englands healthcare system is shite. Not sure why I'm surprised. I'm living in the area where this was on the national news due to how shite it is (Southern Healthcare Trust, what the hell). Thank God im back in the middle of nowhere in Wales soon. They actually have a healthcare system that seems to work. Somewhat. 

(About the only thing I cant fault is my GP, who has backed me at every turn, tried her godamned hardest to get a referral through, and get me help, seen me urgently at times, kept seeing me routinely over and over, agreed to keep seeing me when I'm living out of practise boundary after I was forced to move house, and who has even NHS'ified the private scripts so I dont have to pay the outrageous fees for my meds.)

Sent from my SM-G960F using Tapatalk

----------


## Cassie

A lot of things are bothering me now. Feeling accomplished just to realize you failed.... even though you got a passing grade....to not understanding what life has in store for me... somtimes I feel there?s no purpose in life for me...like are world is overpopulated in my opinion and at least I would be 1 less person not stating I?m thinking of hurting my self just that I think if there is no purpose for me then why am I here... another thing that bothers me is I can?t find anyone I like and enjoy dating and the ones that I do just end up uninterested in me or making bets with there fraternity brothers over me... there?s only a few things I want in life and don?t see me getting there ever. I guess my point here is if anything bothers me is my life. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

----------


## fetisha

I'm getting out of the house more and its kind of freaking me out.

----------


## Otherside

Signed off work by a doctor. Again. The doctors tried to tell me that blips of depression is normal during a medication change, and I have every excuse to feel this crap. I know this. But it's just...I feel like I should be able to control this and manage it better. Not break down in tears pretty much every single time I am in work. 

They're going to contact my psychiatrist and recommend that I taper off more slowly than I currently am. I'm dreading Friday when the dose goes down again. 

Sent from my SM-G960F using Tapatalk

----------


## Cuchculan

Another bout of GERD. Never knows how each bout is going to play out. Last bout landed me in hospital. So that is fresh on the mind. Go to a doctor and he only gives you PPI's. Still have some of them downstairs. Not my favourite type of medication ever. Trying to find new ways to deal with it. Only have no idea what to even look up. Change of eating diet? Who knows. For now I continue to suffer.

----------


## fetisha

So I ran out the new medication ( invega) now im worried about the withdrawal side effects.

----------


## fetisha

I hate you back world!

----------


## Cuchculan

Who would have imagined a few hours after posting this I would end up in hospital until the end of the month. 3 operations. Amazing how life works.

----------


## Otherside

I ended work two weeks ago. It was a mutual agreement between me and HR because I've been unwell. Hardly surprising this happened. I've been signed off sick every few months and I was signed off sick a week before. I wasnt likely to be well enough to return for a while. And so I agreed. I would hardly have stayed much longer as it was and the job was making me unwell. 

Honestly, I dont know how I feel about that.  Relieved? Embarrassed? Depressed? Its undeniable really that I feel better now that I'm under the large amount of stress that was just meaning I was being signed of sick every couple of months. Funny thing is, the company was great, and I would have stayed, if not for the actual work that was completely screwing over my mental health. 

I've been told not to feel embarrassed about this by my GPs and my consultants, that this was the right decent. But honestly? I just feel embarrassed. 

Sent from my SM-G960F using Tapatalk

----------


## Cuchculan

> I ended work two weeks ago. It was a mutual agreement between me and HR because I've been unwell. Hardly surprising this happened. I've been signed off sick every few months and I was signed off sick a week before. I wasnt likely to be well enough to return for a while. And so I agreed. I would hardly have stayed much longer as it was and the job was making me unwell. 
> 
> Honestly, I dont know how I feel about that.  Relieved? Embarrassed? Depressed? Its undeniable really that I feel better now that I'm under the large amount of stress that was just meaning I was being signed of sick every couple of months. Funny thing is, the company was great, and I would have stayed, if not for the actual work that was completely screwing over my mental health. 
> 
> I've been told not to feel embarrassed about this by my GPs and my consultants, that this was the right decent. But honestly? I just feel embarrassed. 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G960F using Tapatalk



There are time we have to do things we might not want to do. But come the long term it might be best for you, for now. You still have the future ahead of you. When you are feeling back to yourself again, you can look for work again.

----------


## fetisha

Having a terrible headache and too much shame from my last panic attack not too long ago.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

I don't have any real future. Sucks.

----------


## Cuchculan

Return visit to the hospital tomorrow. Camera down me. Picked a great day. My 50th birthday. Great way to spend the start of your birthday. The hospitals are coming out on strike the following day. Is a one day strike for now. Next week they have two days they will strike on. This will continue on until they get what they want. Which is more cash. Guess they are getting me before the strike begins. All hospital appointments will be cancelled on Wednesday. Along with a lot of other services. Sort of like a ghost crew only working. They will help people who are very sick. Is not about putting lives at risk. Is all worked out in advance. Who stays working and who strikes.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

I'm trapped here.

----------


## Relle

Unmotivated to do anything

----------


## fetisha

never having enough money..

----------


## Relle

In a horrible relationship I feel I can?t get out of

----------


## Cuchculan

> In a horrible relationship I feel I can?t get out of



Be your own person. If you want out, get out. Pointless staying in the relationship if it is that bad.

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

I hate being a charity case. I'd rather have no friends than be someone's good deed for the month.

----------


## fetisha

pain in my leg ( Im guessing its a pulled muscle?)

----------


## fetisha

Crazy weird day

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

Tired of waisting my life

----------


## Cassie

The fact that many people believe I?m autistic as well as now my therapist suggested getting myself tested at this place 


Just the idea of receiving a diagnosis causes me anxiety. 


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----------


## fetisha

I wish the country I lived in was more introverted.

----------


## Otherside

I feel liked I'm being laughed at, that I'm the butt of somebody elses jokes because I'm struggling to eat once again without throwing my guts up. I'm trying my hardest to get this sorted. I've been trying my absolute damned hardest for the last decade to get this resolved. I'm fed up with this. I'm fed up with the nausea, and with the throwing up. I'm embarressed by this myself. It's utter hell. 

And today I was sure I saw it. Laughed at. Amusement because once again, I was struggling to eat because I was sure that if I did so I would throw my guts up in that damn restaurant, there and then. It's absolutley so freaking hilarious, look at that person there, unable to eat.

----------


## JamieWAgain

> I feel liked I'm being laughed at, that I'm the butt of somebody elses jokes because I'm struggling to eat once again without throwing my guts up. I'm trying my hardest to get this sorted. I've been trying my absolute damned hardest for the last decade to get this resolved. I'm fed up with this. I'm fed up with the nausea, and with the throwing up. I'm embarressed by this myself. It's utter hell. 
> 
> And today I was sure I saw it. Laughed at. Amusement because once again, I was struggling to eat because I was sure that if I did so I would throw my guts up in that damn restaurant, there and then. It's absolutley so freaking hilarious, look at that person there, unable to eat.



Otherside, this is a horrible feeling. Horrible. 
If someone is cruel enough to laugh at another person for ANY reason, it’s about them. 
What’s so funny, I’d want to ask. Does it make you feel better to laugh at me?
If someone laughs at you again I would simply and gently ask-“why are you laughing at me” and don’t leave until they answer you. 
Take your power back. 
Also, someone recently told me (ok, a year ago) that the one asking the questions has all the power. I’ve never forgotten that piece of wisdom. 
Turn the tables and shine the light on them!

----------


## Cassie

Stupid people who obviously should not exist 


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----------


## JamieWAgain

> Otherside, this is a horrible feeling. Horrible. 
> If someone is cruel enough to laugh at another person for ANY reason, it’s about them. 
> What’s so funny, I’d want to ask. Does it make you feel better to laugh at me?
> If someone laughs at you again I would simply and gently ask-“why are you laughing at me” and don’t leave until they answer you. 
> Take your power back. 
> 
> Also, someone recently told me (ok, a year ago) that the one asking the questions has all the power. I’ve never forgotten that piece of wisdom. 
> Turn the tables and shine the light on them!



I hope you see this Otherside.

----------


## Cuchculan

@Otherside
 just adding a tag for Jamie's post above.

----------


## fetisha

Ptsd sucks

----------


## Otherside

> Otherside, this is a horrible feeling. Horrible. 
> If someone is cruel enough to laugh at another person for ANY reason, it’s about them. 
> What’s so funny, I’d want to ask. Does it make you feel better to laugh at me?
> If someone laughs at you again I would simply and gently ask-“why are you laughing at me” and don’t leave until they answer you. 
> Take your power back. 
> Also, someone recently told me (ok, a year ago) that the one asking the questions has all the power. I’ve never forgotten that piece of wisdom. 
> Turn the tables and shine the light on them!



You're right, it is about them, and I really should ask why they are doing that. Thanks, that's probably a good idea. 





> *hugs my friend*



*hugs right back at you*

----------


## Wishie

I have strep throat.

----------


## Relle

> I have strep throat.



I'm sorry  ::(:  I hope you feel better soon  :Hug:

----------


## Cassie

Went to urgent care I never fully got rid of my infection that he said now sounds as it?s effecting my neck I also finally got my thyroid levels from July and my questions answered on how after my thyroid meds stopped it felt as my body died on me and why I crash so easily with sleep 


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----------


## Cassie

Besides the face it?s 3:54am and I can?t sleep the thought bothering me is  well walking out of the urgent care building I thought I heard the lady say bye  have a goodnight to me and my  friend well walking out 

But my friend started laughing and so did I becuase well walking out she was on the phone and said ?I love you goodnight? and hung up so now I?m concerned this nurse things I said I love you good night 

So I had to explain to my friend that it took me a few minutes to catch on this lady wasn?t talking to us 

By the time my friend started laughing I realized I made a mistake and normally people in clinics don?t really talk unless you talk to them so I don?t know why I even bothered assuming she was talking to me so now I just feel stupid 


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----------


## Cassie

I?m stranded outside and it?s cold I a have shorts and a short sleeved shirt 


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----------


## Cassie

Plus I?m worried the neighbors may call the cops because I?ve been standing on my parents porch for 5 minutes now 


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----------


## Relle

Realizing I’m still hurt from what a person did to me earlier this year and I’m going through a bunch of bull crap with a really confusing person in my life. I wish I could go back in time and change a lot of things

----------


## Otherside

Theres going to be some string language in here, so sorry about that. 

So I took three months off ill last year due to severe depression, brought on by stress. This would then again three months after I returned to work. I left the job. The later episode was the worst I ever had. 

I have one friend - same friend who seems to find my strugtling to eat humourous and deeply offensive to him (Money wasting - my money, specifically. And I am aware thanks) whose doing a game of "at least you didnt". He got fired from his internship. So yes, shitty I'm sure. But come on. 

"At least you didnt crash and burn out" - Are you fucking kidding me? So why exactly was I off ill?

"At least you lasted past probation" - because I was signed off sick. Because firing me was illegal. 

And then theres the food issue. 

"That cost a lot of money you know!" You think I'm not aware? You think I don't want to eat this, rather than be sat here struggling to eat, because I might just throw up right here, literally within seconds? You think this isnt embarressing enough without loudly announcing my not eating to the whole bloody restaurant??!!

And then there was the laughted that I'm sure I saw. Yes, so so fucking funny. Me, the nausea, and being unable to eat. 

Sent from my SM-G960F using Tapatalk

----------


## Relle

Seems my whole family minus my dad is against me. Support system is pretty much nonexistent and they wonder why I’ve turned into an angry person.

----------


## fetisha

Maybe I really am going crazy.  ::(:

----------


## Fallen18

That I've been feeling increasingly suicidal, at first I brushed it to the side b/c I'm prone to suicidal ideation. But one night me my mother got into a tiff....long story short she disregarded how I felt and what I asked, to surpass me and speak 'for me' to my boss. I felt so completely out of control and like my world was falling apart that I went for a walk. I needed to escape. It was than that I started to think about the train tracks nearby and how they weren't far and for a brief period of time I was walking to that destination until I hit an intersection and stopped. I can't tell you how tired I was in attempts to not walk there. I walked in circles basically for two+ hours I was trudging home due to exhaustion more than anything. I don't think that feeling left though....I feel stable, but like something is wrong where I have this grim outlook of maybe dying in the near future? which is terrible. I know that. It's just like I don't consider myself a part of the equation. I felt the same exact way when I was late to one class with a strict attendance policy. I literally contemplated driving to the hospital I was previously admitted to for a previous suicide attempt. Which I thought I had calmed down after an hour or so, but for my photography H.W that I worked on that same day hours latter I took a picture of a "dead end sign" that a day after the fact I realized was ominous af of the emotions I felt....-it wasn't nice out that day and I was aimlessly taking pictures before a rain storm and it was just "dead end" in dark clouds.

----------


## fetisha

I don't want to be too vindictive but I'm not ready to forgive anyone yet and I'm tired of people making me feel bad about it

----------


## fetisha

> That I've been feeling increasingly suicidal, at first I brushed it to the side b/c I'm prone to suicidal ideation. But one night me my mother got into a tiff....long story short she disregarded how I felt and what I asked, to surpass me and speak 'for me' to my boss. I felt so completely out of control and like my world was falling apart that I went for a walk. I needed to escape. It was than that I started to think about the train tracks nearby and how they weren't far and for a brief period of time I was walking to that destination until I hit an intersection and stopped. I can't tell you how tired I was in attempts to not walk there. I walked in circles basically for two+ hours I was trudging home due to exhaustion more than anything. I don't think that feeling left though....I feel stable, but like something is wrong where I have this grim outlook of maybe dying in the near future? which is terrible. I know that. It's just like I don't consider myself a part of the equation. I felt the same exact way when I was late to one class with a strict attendance policy. I literally contemplated driving to the hospital I was previously admitted to for a previous suicide attempt. Which I thought I had calmed down after an hour or so, but for my photography H.W that I worked on that same day hours latter I took a picture of a "dead end sign" that a day after the fact I realized was ominous af of the emotions I felt....-it wasn't nice out that day and I was aimlessly taking pictures before a rain storm and it was just "dead end" in dark clouds.



 :Hug:

----------


## CeCe

> That I've been feeling increasingly suicidal, at first I brushed it to the side b/c I'm prone to suicidal ideation. But one night me my mother got into a tiff....long story short she disregarded how I felt and what I asked, to surpass me and speak 'for me' to my boss. I felt so completely out of control and like my world was falling apart that I went for a walk. I needed to escape. It was than that I started to think about the train tracks nearby and how they weren't far and for a brief period of time I was walking to that destination until I hit an intersection and stopped. I can't tell you how tired I was in attempts to not walk there. I walked in circles basically for two+ hours I was trudging home due to exhaustion more than anything. I don't think that feeling left though....I feel stable, but like something is wrong where I have this grim outlook of maybe dying in the near future? which is terrible. I know that. It's just like I don't consider myself a part of the equation. I felt the same exact way when I was late to one class with a strict attendance policy. I literally contemplated driving to the hospital I was previously admitted to for a previous suicide attempt. Which I thought I had calmed down after an hour or so, but for my photography H.W that I worked on that same day hours latter I took a picture of a "dead end sign" that a day after the fact I realized was ominous af of the emotions I felt....-it wasn't nice out that day and I was aimlessly taking pictures before a rain storm and it was just "dead end" in dark clouds.



 :Hug:

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

I'm a failure.

----------


## Relle

Regrets eating me alive and just questioning myself anymore

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

I'm so tired of being so terrible.

----------


## Otherside

We're screwed. We're bloody screwed.

----------


## fetisha

I want to end my life but I can't

----------


## CeCe

> I want to end my life but I can't



 ::(:  PM me if you want to talk! PS I LOVE YOUR CAT PICTURE!!!

----------


## AmberHearts

The holidays are coming up too fast  ::(:

----------


## CloudMaker

so disappointed in my son

he betrayed me like everybody else

----------


## Cuchculan

Think I would do the same if I was your son. Should record yourself some time and listen back / read back on some of the shite you post. I know you are doing it just to get a reaction. But others might not know that and actually be offended by some of the junk you post. Kids who die in mass shootings deserve to die. Nature's way of population control. That kind of rubbish. If you are like that in person I would be surprised if you had any friends at all. Horrible thing to write up. When you did write it, those who were killed were all just young kids. They say you only get back what put out into the Universe. Every lets you down? Maybe if you changed people might change around you.

----------


## CloudMaker

you don’t know my life and you are just victim blaming

my entire family ABANDONED me

----------


## fetisha

Maybe I should slowly kill myself, I can't deal with all this shame.

----------


## Relle

Inner turmoil and I'm kinda pissed someone got my hopes about something they were gonna help me with but then changed their mind

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

I have an opportunity to change my life and I'm on here instead.

----------


## fetisha

I ll never get better, all that tough love people pulled on me made me want to commit sucidie and hate myself more. I don't know what to do anymore.

----------


## Lucid

> I ll never get better, all that tough love people pulled on me made me want to commit sucidie and hate myself more. I don't know what to do anymore.



Try to be kind to yourself ::): I know it can be hard.

Extremely worried about family currently.

----------


## Lucid

PET scan immediate family*hug*

----------


## CloudMaker

I just want to keep my job until I die or get to retire, which ever comes first.

I didn't invest over 25 years of my life learning and caring about students, free information, libraries, technology, education??.

To go down without a fight.  IDK.

I'm just so sad and disappointed, that nothing I know or care about matters.

----------


## Cuchculan

> I just want to keep my job until I die or get to retire, which ever comes first.
> 
> I didn't invest over 25 years of my life learning and caring about students, free information, libraries, technology, education??.
> 
> To go down without a fight.  IDK.
> 
> I'm just so sad and disappointed, that nothing I know or care about matters.



Do they do the whole severance pay deal if they make you take early retirement in the US? Nice way of saying make you leave you job. Over here we have this odd situation were people are been made work longer now. Age of retirement is going up by 1 year for the next 3 years. Fine for people with certain types of jobs. You imagine somebody working on a building site been made carry on until he is 67? The work would be too much for the body. We know what you work at. Not as demanding on the body. But now it is all about degrees and all of that. One thing, they simply can't fire you. That is not allowed. If need be raise the issue with the local newspapers. Be heard.

----------


## CloudMaker

IDK if my district does severance. It probably wouldn?t be enough until I can collect my retirement. 

not sure what I?ll do if fired. no one wants to hire an almost 60 year old librarian

also we don?t have local papers anymore they went bankrupt

----------


## Lucid

It's a mess and I'm sorry to hear you going through this*hug*.Benefits and law vary from state to state and it also depends on what grounds you were let go.

----------


## Cuchculan

They have to have reason for letting you go. Been too old is not reason enough. Wanting a younger person to work your job is not reason enough. Unfair dismissal can be claimed if anybody done that to you. You have a union. Use it. They can't just fire you.

----------


## Wishie

> I have an opportunity to change my life and I'm on here instead.



What is your opportunity?

----------


## Wishie

> They have to reason for letting you go. Been too old is not reason enough. Wanting a younger person to work your good is not reason enough. Unfair dismissal can be claimed if anybody done that to you. You have a union. Use it. They can't just fire you.



In the US they don't have to actually have a valid reason depending on the state.

----------


## Goat

I miss my family  ::(:

----------


## Cassie

My case manger advised me to not go to my job interview as it will effect my benefits 


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----------


## fetisha

I'm done with anxiety space and life. I barely did anything good in life. All on here is just venting. I tried to change but I'm too damaged.

----------


## Lucid

> I'm done with anxiety space and life. I barely did anything good in life. All on here is just venting. I tried to change but I'm too damaged.



That's anxiety and depression talking.You seem good to me!I think everyone here can relate to feeling damaged.*hug*You are not alone.

----------


## fetisha

> That's anxiety and depression talking.You seem good to me!I think everyone here can relate to feeling damaged.*hug*You are not alone.



Thanks but I feel like if you really knew me you would hate me. That's it's best I stay away. I don't mean to fusturate anyone by how I am, I guess I can't help it?

----------


## Lucid

You don't have to thank me.I feel/have felt the same way.I feel like if you really knew me you would be gone.So what's that say? ::): I am no saint myself. None of us are perfect.(It can be hard but try not to beat yourself up.)

----------


## Kimbra

> I'm done with anxiety space and life. I barely did anything good in life. All on here is just venting. I tried to change but I'm too damaged.



We would miss you here

----------


## CloudMaker

wake up every morning with swollen eyes and stuffed up nose.  I keep working because, I'm not really sick enough to stop working, but still feel bad.

----------


## fetisha

Prediabetes

----------


## TwerkinForTalos

I made a big mistake and now I have to fix it.

----------


## Cassie

I feel lonely 


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----------


## TwerkinForTalos

Sometimes I feel like I'm so full of a need to release all of this social energy that I'm going to explode, or maybe snap and start breaking everything. Like enduring an itch that I can never scratch in my brain that only spreads and increases in intensity the more I leave it unscratched. It doesn't seem to get any better if I try to talk or go out to ease the tension. As soon as I'm alone again it comes back, front and center in my mind, but all I ever want is to be alone... I'm exhausted from being so stupidly ridiculous.

----------


## Cassie

Sadness and depression feeling lonely feeling like I failed feeling like a horrible friend feeling insecure feeling like I?m not worth anything again questioning what I offer people trying to be strong and hide my struggling so I don?t lose people 


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----------


## Cassie

> I made a big mistake and now I have to fix it.



Hopefully you can fix it and if you can?t take it as a learning experience we all mess up some-points in our life?s don?t beat yourself up for it. 


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----------


## Ironman

I accidently bit the inside of my mouth (upper right side).  I keep hitting it.  ::(:

----------


## Hexagon

I miss being a part of forums, or posting in general. I lurk reddit plenty, and another few forums but it takes a lot of energy out of me these days to participate, and I've still never quite gotten over feeling hesitant or avoidant about putting my thoughts out. I feel disconnected even from the online world now. I wish I could meet new people, but places like these are unfortunately becoming more archaic, which is sad to me, but it is what it is.

----------


## Cassie

My Meds making me eat so much!!!!


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## Hexagon

> I like your avatar. It's nice to see you posting  I totally understand the avoidance issue!



Thanks! I would like to post more of course, but again, it's difficult.

----------


## fetisha

So scared

----------


## Hexagon

Full of anxiety :/

----------


## fetisha

I think I'm an empath and I hate it.

----------


## fetisha

As someone diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorder, I think I may go to the hospital with what's going right now on Earth. I can't deal this Hysteria but I really hate mental hospitals.

----------


## Cassie

Depression 


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----------


## CloudMaker

So yesterday afternoon I decided to go for a run out pass all of the new warehouses near me.  I'm used to running in the gym or running in more familiar turf.     I was running and my shoe hit uneven pavement and I went down like a ton of bricks.

My right cheekbone hit the sidewalk hard.  
I'm thinking I'm going to start looking like hell.

I'm going to be 60 years old soon, so I suck pretty bad at falls.

Good thing I didn't get hurt worse.

----------


## Relle

> So yesterday afternoon I decided to go for a run out pass all of the new warehouses near me.  I'm used to running in the gym or running in more familiar turf.     I was running and my shoe hit uneven pavement and I went down like a ton of bricks.
> 
> My right cheekbone hit the sidewalk hard.  
> I'm thinking I'm going to start looking like hell.
> 
> I'm going to be 60 years old soon, so I suck pretty bad at falls.
> 
> Good thing I didn't get hurt worse.




I hope you're feeling better  ::(:  :Hug:

----------


## CloudMaker

> I hope you're feeling better



My cheek has gone down in swelling but I have a huge bruise on my cheekbone and my lip

It could have been much worse,

Thanks for asking.

----------


## Cuchculan

> So yesterday afternoon I decided to go for a run out pass all of the new warehouses near me.  I'm used to running in the gym or running in more familiar turf.     I was running and my shoe hit uneven pavement and I went down like a ton of bricks.
> 
> My right cheekbone hit the sidewalk hard.  
> I'm thinking I'm going to start looking like hell.
> 
> I'm going to be 60 years old soon, so I suck pretty bad at falls.
> 
> Good thing I didn't get hurt worse.



Over here people would put a claim in if that happened to them. The paths are all over the place. Meaning they up in certain parts and the foot can catch in them. Send a person down to the ground. Over the past year they have been around fixing the worst places. Think they finally copped on it would cost less to fix the paths than pay out all the claims put in against them. A tree root is the main cause. No idea why the planted such big trees on such small paths. The roots grow too big and push the paths upwards. Have seen many people fall. Come back up with their head pumping blood. Glad you were not more seriously hurt. My own father fractured his skull once. Uneven path. Many years ago now. Been dead 15 years. Just walking along and next thing he was free fallen. Could have been a whole lot worse for you.

----------


## Cassie

What?s bothering me is I found someone on Facebook dating we have been talking for quite a while now he has a very similar past like mine such as abuse neglect foster system anyway I?m also talking to someone else I?m not in a relationship with either I like them both for different reasons different qualities but I?m scared I might be misleading them if I?m talking to both I don?t want to hurt either one if I end up with the other one it?s hard because I just simply don?t know what to do.


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----------


## fetisha

I'm tired of being full of fear and guilt ugh!

----------


## fetisha

I wish the world wasn't aganist me

----------


## Skippy

All the cobwebs in this ol' forum....dang it's been round 10 years, hasn't it??

----------


## fetisha

I feel like I shouldn't exist.

----------


## SadAndIsolated

I left another social anxiety site for good.  My heart is racing.  I hope someone will private message and talk to me about it.

----------


## Cassie

My ear infection and my sinus issues 


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----------


## Cassie

Ive been having headache?s becoming lightheaded dizzy really fatigue feeling like ill pass out at times belief in severely dehydrated


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----------


## Hexagon

Just can't seem to get any better. It took me a long time to muster up the courage and energy to seek out a new doctor and try medication again, after many failed attempts. I've been on a new med for the past month now with no change, but I recently had my dose increased so I hope that this will be my lucky break...? I'm not optimistic but I have nothing to lose at this point. :/

----------


## Relle

Learning to move on from a toxic relationship that lasted nearly a decade

----------


## Liam

Good old loneliness! Strange times.

----------


## Cassie

Feeling like I lost some friends confused hurt 


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----------


## Cassie

Being alone at night when my boyfriend goes to his midnight shifts 


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----------


## CeCe

> Feeling like I lost some friends confused hurt 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



 :freehug:

----------


## CloudMaker

Doubt I’ll get any trick or treaters this year  ::(:

----------


## Otherside

Didn't get any here either. Saw a few pumpkins (do you do pumpkins in the US?) but nobody dressed up or anything.  ::(:

----------


## JamieWAgain

I have very high anxiety lately. I?m feeling stressed out because of the troubles in the world and also the election is causing me to feel overly anxious. Not much I can do about it other then stop watching the news which I can?t seem to do.

----------


## CloudMaker

The US election is causing me a lot of anxiety  ::(:

----------


## CloudMaker

I hate my family
I hate my son
I hate thanksgiving

----------


## fetisha

I wish I was a good person.

----------


## Cassie

People fucking suck and they all can suck a dick fucking bill [BEEP] covid ain?t a excuse to neglect your friend for 7 months 


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----------


## Cassie

People 


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----------


## fetisha

I hate having periods! Ugh!!!!!

----------


## CloudMaker

I h a t e m y l i f e ! ! !

----------


## Lucid

People talking past each other. Lack of empathy in general.

----------


## Otherside

Been stuck on hold for an hour and a half. The on hold music is about a thirty seconds of some screamo heavy metal music, followed by a dialling tone to make you feel hopeful that you've gotten through, followed by "thank you for calling us. Your call is important to us and we will be with you shortly. You may wish to call us back later." 

Do they design these things deliberately to drive you mad?

----------


## Lunaire

> Been stuck on hold for an hour and a half. The on hold music is about a thirty seconds of some screamo heavy metal music, followed by a dialling tone to make you feel hopeful that you've gotten through, followed by "thank you for calling us. Your call is important to us and we will be with you shortly. You may wish to call us back later." 
> 
> Do they design these things deliberately to drive you mad?



I bet some places do make the hold music intentionally awful to discourage calling. Paying for customer service costs them profits. I once worked in a call center and it was eye opening how the execs saw the whole operation.  ::(:

----------


## Cuchculan

Then when you get through it is a bloody Indian you can't understand.

----------


## Lucid

Not exxactly the same but close enough? :Tongue:

----------


## Lunaire

Haven’t seen that show before but that seems like a pretty good running gag.  :XD:

----------


## Lucid

It's....not for everyone lol.Action/Adult/Twisted humor.I believe it's running on HULU currently if anyone is interested.  ::):

----------


## Otherside

So, I'm moving next week. The electric supplier wants me to give then a meter reading tomorrow. For some reason, there customer service department doesnt seem to be able to comprehend that short of breaking into the apartment, that is going to be impossible. 

I'm going to get billed for usage before I've moved in and I'm liable for it, arent I?

----------


## Cuchculan

So they want to bill you for usage of the new place you are moving in to? Would it not make more sense that on the day you move in, a reading is taken then. So you pay from there on in. If they can find the previous owner, they can bill them for what they owe.

----------


## Otherside

Yeah, thats how it should happen. I've finally managed to get through to someone with a brain cell who was able to comprehend that I would not be able to give them a meter reading before I moved in. 

Not been charged yet, just a sneaky feeling I'm going to get a bill for usage before I move in. Bit of a worry that the account is already in my name for some reason.

----------


## Lunaire

I have the Sunday night blues right on schedule.

----------


## Otherside

Just a pet peeve, nothing major. 

"Thank you for your order. It will be delivered 3rd of April 8am - 10pm. A signature is required."

...seriously? Could you not be a just a little bit more specific?! Why do companies do this, ugh.

----------


## cerulean

> Just a pet peeve, nothing major. 
> 
> "Thank you for your order. It will be delivered 3rd of April 8am - 10pm. A signature is required."
> 
> ...seriously? Could you not be a just a little bit more specific?! Why do companies do this, ugh.



Can you email them back and tell them you need a more acceptable time frame!?  :so mad:

----------


## CloudMaker

My neighbors think I am CRAZY !!!

----------


## Flavor

Depression

----------


## CeltAngel

My neighbours are complete asses.

----------


## Otherside

I have no hot water.

Its going to be fun to try and get the boiler fixed - its Easter public holiday until Tuesday, and British Gas are on strike, so...

Ah well. At least the heating is electric, so I'm not going to freeze. But lots of cold showers

----------


## Lunaire

> I have no hot water.
> 
> Its going to be fun to try and get the boiler fixed - its Easter public holiday until Tuesday, and British Gas are on strike, so...
> 
> Ah well. At least the heating is electric, so I'm not going to freeze. But lots of cold showers



Oof. Been there, done that for a winter. The water heater is one of the toughest appliances to go without. We resorted to heating a large pot of water on the stove to use for bathing while getting ours fixed one year. 

Hope it doesn’t take too long to get resolved for you.  ::(:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I have no hot water.
> 
> Its going to be fun to try and get the boiler fixed - its Easter public holiday until Tuesday, and British Gas are on strike, so...
> 
> Ah well. At least the heating is electric, so I'm not going to freeze. But lots of cold showers



Gah that is sucky  :Hug:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> My neighbours are complete asses.



What are you doing?

----------


## SAgirl

> I have no hot water.
> 
> Its going to be fun to try and get the boiler fixed - its Easter public holiday until Tuesday, and British Gas are on strike, so...
> 
> Ah well. At least the heating is electric, so I'm not going to freeze. But lots of cold showers



What a bummer  ::(:  Are you able to cook?

----------


## Otherside

> What a bummer  Are you able to cook?



Thankfully, everything seems to work except the hot water (that I've noticed anyway.) 

Bit a bummer though, yeah.

----------


## Skippy

A couple things I don't wanna mention right now, but otherwise, am not doing too bad....

----------


## CeltAngel

> What are you doing?



Well, at that time, I was minding my own business in my flat. I have new neighbours who are frequently obnoxiously noisy. I have misophonia. These two factors don't go well together. So, it usually ends up with me being forced to wear my noise-cancelling headphones feeling depressed that this is where my life has come to.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Well, at that time, I was minding my own business in my flat. I have new neighbours who are frequently obnoxiously noisy. I have misophonia. These two factors don't go well together. So, it usually ends up with me being forced to wear my noise-cancelling headphones feeling depressed that this is where my life has come to.



I meant to say what are *they* doing and that sounds terrible!  :Hug:

----------


## CeltAngel

> I meant to say what are *they* doing and that sounds terrible!



They're just young and seem to have verbal volume regulation problems. I'm hyper-reactive to their noises they make. It's hard. I feel like I can't push them as hard as I want to to be quiet without being unreasonable.... Basically, it's a tricky balancing act between not wanting to be the angry, old buzzard killjoy or having them trash the quiet sanctity that I wish for in my sanctuary. I have to carefully manage my noise situation constantly because of my misophonia and the fact that I live in a flat among several blocks that are clustered together.

The fact that I have this situation to go with agoraphobia.... Well, I'm sure you can imagine how difficult that can make my situation. But, I don't really have a choice at this time, so I manage it as best as I can. *sigh*

Thanks for the hug.  ::):   :Hug:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> They're just young and seem to have verbal volume regulation problems. I'm hyper-reactive to their noises they make. It's hard. I feel like I can't push them as hard as I want to to be quiet without being unreasonable.... Basically, it's a tricky balancing act between not wanting to be the angry, old buzzard killjoy or having them trash the quiet sanctity that I wish for in my sanctuary. I have to carefully manage my noise situation constantly because of my misophonia and the fact that I live in a flat among several blocks that are clustered together.
> 
> The fact that I have this situation to go with agoraphobia.... Well, I'm sure you can imagine how difficult that can make my situation. But, I don't really have a choice at this time, so I manage it as best as I can. *sigh*
> 
> Thanks for the hug.



I completely understand this. I struggle really badly with generalized anxiety, and likely borderline agoraphobia (there were YEARS I didn't leave the house) and when I did finally leave it was for short periods of times. I can now without panicking, with medicine. I get really hyper vigilant outside and hyper-reactive to loud sounds like a scaredy cat. I get symptoms of misophonia with my chronic migraines and even small sounds can cause me extreme pain, physical and emotional distress (even strong smells). I find the best thing for this is my calming tea, scents that are on my ok list, meditation, medication, and trying to sensory block everything else out.

----------


## Skippy

Ugh....feeling really awful physically at the moment. Whatever is causing this these days, it's brutal.

----------


## CeltAngel

> I completely understand this. I struggle really badly with generalized anxiety, and likely borderline agoraphobia (there were YEARS I didn't leave the house) and when I did finally leave it was for short periods of times. I can now without panicking, with medicine. I get really hyper vigilant outside and hyper-reactive to loud sounds like a scaredy cat. I get symptoms of misophonia with my chronic migraines and even small sounds can cause me extreme pain, physical and emotional distress (even strong smells). I find the best thing for this is my calming tea, scents that are on my ok list, meditation, medication, and trying to sensory block everything else out.



Seems like we have a fair bit in common, because this description sounds quite a bit like my general situation. My migraines are pretty rare though, thankfully and they tend be the silent type, so I don't really get the extreme pain, fortunately. I haven't had a full-blown one since I was a teen.

I love my tea. I tend to like berry-based herbal teas the most.... or a nice lemon and ginger before bed, though this summer I was having cold brew versions because it just gets too hot for tea in Australia. If you've never tried them, look up how to do it online, it's so refreshing, and a nice way to get the positive benefits of tea in hot weather.  ::): 

Scents.... I really love vanilla or berry scents. Vanilla, in particular, makes my brain feel like it's being cleansed. It helps give me the clarity that my overactive mind can sometimes lack. Might have to go light a candle now.  ::):

----------


## Lunaire

High anxiety at the thought of returning to work tomorrow and starting the work week all over again.  :shake:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> High anxiety at the thought of returning to work tomorrow and starting the work week all over again.



 :Hug:  Is there anything I can do to make your anxiety lessened?

----------


## firestar

> High anxiety at the thought of returning to work tomorrow and starting the work week all over again.



I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow, either. I don't think tomorrow will be that bad, but the rest of the week is going to be tough.

----------


## Lunaire

> Is there anything I can do to make your anxiety lessened?



Let’s turn back time to Saturday.  ::D:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Let’s turn back time to Saturday.



Will do! And make you a nice banana split with hot fudge again?  :Heart:

----------


## Lunaire

> I'm not looking forward to work tomorrow, either. I don't think tomorrow will be that bad, but the rest of the week is going to be tough.



Ugh, it’s the worst when you already know you’re going to have tough days at work ahead of you and all you can do is wait! Hope things go easier than you expect.

----------


## firestar

> Ugh, it?s the worst when you already know you?re going to have tough days at work ahead of you and all you can do is wait! Hope things go easier than you expect.



Thanks! I hope things go well for you, too. Mondays are always hard, but at least things get easier after that (or, as my coworker likes to say, "it's all downhill from there"  ::D: )

----------


## Lunaire

> Will do! And make you a nice banana split with hot fudge again?



We don’t have any more bananas but a hot fudge sundae sounds lovely!  :Hug:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> We don’t have any more bananas but a hot fudge sundae sounds lovely!



It'll make the day better  :Heart:

----------


## CloudMaker

I have to stay drunk EVERY DAY to survive this existence !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------


## CeCe

> I have to stay drunk EVERY DAY to survive this existence !!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Do you want to talk about what has been bothering you and have you talked to your doctor?

----------


## CloudMaker

> Do you want to talk about what has been bothering you and have you talked to your doctor?



It’s funny you think I can afford to go see a doctor LOL!!!! good one
A doctor can’t fix my awful broken family anyway

----------


## curfreak

> It’s funny you think I can afford to go see a doctor LOL!!!! good one
> A doctor can’t fix my awful broken family anyway



What about any catholic social services in your area? Where I am at I don't have insurance but got to speak with a free therapist through one of them.

----------


## CloudMaker

> What about any catholic social services in your area? Where I am at I don't have insurance but got to speak with a free therapist through one of them.



No they say I make too much to get assistance even though I don’t have health insurance! I work two part time jobs !!!!

----------


## SAgirl

I feel dizzy and don't want to work  ::(:

----------


## CeltAngel

Other than grief.... I really hate passive-aggressive behaviour.

----------


## curfreak

> Other than grief.... I really hate passive-aggressive behaviour.



Passive aggressive behavior is what gives me the most anxiety. I always assume people are being passive aggressive and mocking me.

----------


## CeltAngel

> Passive aggressive behavior is what gives me the most anxiety. I always assume people are being passive aggressive and mocking me.



I understand that feeling well.  :Hug:

----------


## Lou

> Passive aggressive behavior is what gives me the most anxiety. I always assume people are being passive aggressive and mocking me.



I relate to this it's not even funny I always wonder if people are for real or not.

----------


## Otherside

> Passive aggressive behavior is what gives me the most anxiety. I always assume people are being passive aggressive and mocking me.



Yeah, I can definatley relate to this.  ::(:

----------


## firestar

Just once, I would like to wake up from something that isn't a nightmare. Like the one I woke up from today. I was trying to escape the apocalypse with my dad, who was spouting gibberish. I suppose I should consider myself fortunate that no one was cutting off my limbs this time.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Just once, I would like to wake up from something that isn't a nightmare. Like the one I woke up from today. I was trying to escape the apocalypse with my dad, who was spouting gibberish. I suppose I should consider myself fortunate that no one was cutting off my limbs this time.



That sounds horrifying  :Hug:

----------


## CeltAngel

Physically and emotionally gassed. Anxious, depressed, a little paranoid and exhausted. Hiding under the covers seems like a fantastic idea right now.

----------


## Otherside

Chasing up the landlord to try and get the repairs done. At least I guess he seems willing to call in a repairman. Now it's just a case of getting the repairman in. 

Really hate the amount of anxiety I get from having to call, email or text with "can I have an update?" 

Sent from my SM-G960F using Tapatalk

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## Total Eclipse

> Physically and emotionally gassed. Anxious, depressed, a little paranoid and exhausted. Hiding under the covers seems like a fantastic idea right now.



You ok?  :Hug:  Hopefully it wasn't from our PMs last night  :Heart:

----------


## CeltAngel

> You ok?  Hopefully it wasn't from our PMs last night



I'm  alright, it's not at all from our PMs. I have this tendency to over-extend myself, get emotionally/mentally tired and then collapse in a pile of crap.

When it happens, I think of this old blog: https://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.c...-be-adult.html

While it doesn't address the circumstance exactly, it is a good representation of the cycle I go through.... and it's funny.

Aside from that, there are real life issues that are just pissing me off, but it's more a slow-burn irritation than a flashfire. The flashfire type is easier to cope with than a slowburn. With a flashfire you have a tantrum and a cry (and possibly an apology) and it's done with. The slowburn.... that's kind of thing that leads to disintegration in various ways, where it sneaks up on you.... You see your greasy hair in the mirror and think stuff like -

"Wait.... when DID I last shower?"
"I last went outside when? Nah, you've got to be kidding"
"When did THAT start growing there?"

I am okay, I'm just realising that I need to conserve a little energy right now. Thanks for asking.  ::):   :Hug:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Chasing up the landlord to try and get the repairs done. At least I guess he seems willing to call in a repairman. Now it's just a case of getting the repairman in. 
> 
> Really hate the amount of anxiety I get from having to call, email or text with "can I have an update?" 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G960F using Tapatalk



You deserve heated water!  :Hug:

----------


## Total Eclipse

> I'm  alright, it's not at all from our PMs. I have this tendency to over-extend myself, get emotionally/mentally tired and then collapse in a pile of crap.
> 
> When it happens, I think of this old blog: https://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.c...-be-adult.html
> 
> While it doesn't address the circumstance exactly, it is a good representation of the cycle I go through.... and it's funny.
> 
> Aside from that, there are real life issues that are just pissing me off, but it's more a slow-burn irritation than a flashfire. The flashfire type is easier to cope with than a slowburn. With a flashfire you have a tantrum and a cry (and possibly an apology) and it's done with. The slowburn.... that's kind of thing that leads to disintegration in various ways, where it sneaks up on you.... You see your greasy hair in the mirror and think stuff like -
> 
> "Wait.... when DID I last shower?"
> ...



Can totally understand that  :Hug:  I overdo it all the time too. Rest up!  :Heart:

----------


## Sainnot

What isn't bothering me? I am just so upset with myself on a daily basis. Yesterday I had an amazing start to the day. I exercised in the morning like I haven't been for a while (since the pandemic started I've been pretty bad about working out and have gained some fat) and felt great. Then on my way into work, I initiated a social interaction with someone. And while I was annoyed with myself for not being more charismatic, I felt really optimistic that I did that because it's a big step for me.

But since then, I've been back to my old ways. No talking to anyone, spend more time daydreaming than working on my goals... man, I don't even know what my regrets are anymore... do I have the strength to change my habits tonight? To make progress, and get back to my OLD old ways? 

I don't know... at least if not, I can daydream about having lots of friends and being happy.

----------


## Flavor

Someone tried being friendly with me for ulterior motives pushing questions out of me I didn't feel comfortable with and didn't make me feel safe.

----------


## CeltAngel

> Someone tried being friendly with me for ulterior motives pushing questions out of me I didn't feel comfortable with and didn't make me feel safe.



It's awful when people do that. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.  :Hug:

----------


## Flavor

> It's awful when people do that. I'm so sorry you had to go through that.



Thank you for your kind words as I was a bit emotional about it but feel better now.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> What isn't bothering me? I am just so upset with myself on a daily basis. Yesterday I had an amazing start to the day. I exercised in the morning like I haven't been for a while (since the pandemic started I've been pretty bad about working out and have gained some fat) and felt great. Then on my way into work, I initiated a social interaction with someone. And while I was annoyed with myself for not being more charismatic, I felt really optimistic that I did that because it's a big step for me.
> 
> But since then, I've been back to my old ways. No talking to anyone, spend more time daydreaming than working on my goals... man, I don't even know what my regrets are anymore... do I have the strength to change my habits tonight? To make progress, and get back to my OLD old ways? 
> 
> I don't know... at least if not, I can daydream about having lots of friends and being happy.



Hey, 
@Sainnot
 don't beat yourself up, we all have days we need breaks  :;):  Your exercise was just the first step. Make small goals per day. That seems to have been a huge goal for you to tackle yesterday and maybe that was all that you could handle and that's quite ok. I'm proud of you!  :Hug:

----------


## Cuchculan

What would you do with a neighbour who ignored you for about 10 years and now wants to be your new best friend? I told the mother to tell her to go feck off. She booted all her own sons out of the house. So is now in there alone. Sending Easter cards with a little gift. Telling my mother she will go to the hospital with her today for a follow up appointment. My mother refused the offer. This is a woman who ruined any friendships she ever made over the years. Never cared what went on in her own house because she was never there. Talking wild parties nearly every weekend and rave music every day of the week. The height of the music. At times the music might even come on at 1am. Lord knows we were at war with her and her sons for years. We never held back at all. Suddenly she is acting like nothing ever happened. Like she is a Saint of a person who wants to be there for you. She can feck off and go drive others crazy with her depressive moods. meaning all she ever talks is bloody doom and gloom. Like her sons left her alone in the house. When it was her who kicked them out. At best I simply smile and say hello and leave it at that.

----------


## CeltAngel

Just ONE day without a random spike in anxiety would be fantastic, thanks universe....

----------


## CeCe

> Just ONE day without a random spike in anxiety would be fantastic, thanks universe....

----------


## Cage

Fucking stupid [BEEP] people.

----------


## fetisha

Having low self esteem is one hell of a drug.

----------


## Flavor

> Having low self esteem is one hell of a drug.



A bad one,

----------


## Otherside

Here we have a Prince that died on Friday. He was 99 and had heart problems, so it is not unexpected. 

I feel really bad saying this - because someone has died and all - but does this have to be plastered everywhere? Our national broadcaster - BBC - has pretty much cancelled everything the last two days to have Prince Phillip related broadcasts. Nothing on the radio but Prince Phillip. Cant even open the app with my Train Tickets on without a "Urgent announcement- Prince is dead" popping up. 

Sent from my SM-G960F using Tapatalk

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## Lunaire

> Here we have a Prince that died on Friday. He was 99 and had heart problems, so it is not unexpected. 
> 
> I feel really bad saying this - because someone has died and all - but does this have to be plastered everywhere? Our national broadcaster - BBC - has pretty much cancelled everything the last two days to have Prince Phillip related broadcasts. Nothing on the radio but Prince Phillip. Cant even open the app with my Train Tickets on without a "Urgent announcement- Prince is dead" popping up. 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G960F using Tapatalk



https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/b...hilip-n1263711

It seems you’re not alone.  :Rofl:

----------


## CeltAngel

Just a sense of futility that is starting to spiral. Drowning in a sea of endless fucking bullshit.

----------


## Otherside

> https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/b...hilip-n1263711
> 
> It seems you?re not alone.



It is very strange what happened. One TV channel showing the tribute stuff and one radio channel doing it would be fine. But every single BBC channel having it all on repeat is excessive. Heard they lost a lot of viewers. I am not surprised.  

I am not a royalist. Would rather we didnt have a royal family here to be honest. Dont really make much of a secret of that. Im sorry he's dead, but I'm not particularly upset about it. I do not know him. Quite a few people here are though and want this stuff. But does it really need to be the same thing on every channel? Can it not just be on one channel for those who want this stuff? 

Sent from my SM-G960F using Tapatalk

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## fetisha

I wish I was dead.

----------


## Flavor

> I wish I was dead.



You seem nice. I wish you didn't feel that way.

----------


## fetisha

> You seem nice. I wish you didn't feel that way.



I don't mean to be rude but you don't even know me.

----------


## Flavor

> I don't mean to be rude but you don't even know me.



It's just from reading some old threads I saw your avatar in. Seemed like you care about others and their well-being. I don't know you but I would like to get to know you as a friend or forum poster so please don't harm yourself.

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## fetisha

> It's just from reading some old threads I saw your avatar in. Seemed like you care about others and their well-being. I don't know you but I would like to get to know you as a friend or forum poster so please don't harm yourself.



I'm sorry I'm not interested in being friends with anyone now. I will scare you away if you got to know me more. I'm trying focusing on getting help now but its hard.

----------


## CeltAngel

Okay tradesperson who is stressing me to insanity, could you please arrive and then go away because my nerves do't like this waiting game at all.  ::(:

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## Sainnot

I just feel like there’s a long list of things I need to do to improve myself and get back to where I used to be. It is overwhelming and when I’m at work I have 8 hours to sit and regret not doing enough the night before. It sucks... I wonder if I’ll get fired soon... I work less and less each week.

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## Otherside

I've been slightly deaf in one ear since I've been a kid. It's not as bad as it was, went through treatment for it when I was younger It got better than it was. Not perfect, nowhere near as good as the other ear - but I've learnt to deal with it. 

I fear it is getting worse lately. Considerably. I honestly hate that.

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## CeltAngel

Pain in my neck/shoulder area. It's a congenital problem that can effect my ability to type, among many other things. I tend to have to do everything with my weaker left hand to ameliorate the pain when this kicks in, which is just brilliant as you can imagine. It was never a problem when I was younger, but with age it's gotten worse. Just bouncing back after a period of grief-induced shutdown and then this comes up. Woke up crying and wanting to kill myself. Now I'm typing this message very very slowly and it really sucks. At least the painkillers are starting to kick in.


@Shredder
 
@Cuchculan
 
@Kesky


Thank you all for the messages, it helps that people out there care.  :Hug:   :Heart:  I'm responding via this because I can't type a proper response to everyone individually without an entire ice age elapsing.

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## Sainnot

My credit card stopped working and I have no idea why. I don't know how to read my credit card information on the online banking site, but I don't see any reason for why my card would just stop working like this. The only thing is that I have kind of a large balance transfer pending onto the card to pay off the credit from the last month. But I don't know if that would do anything; the rules for the credit card are so long and hard to read.

I just feel terrible today overall too, I haven't gone outside once since I got home from work on Friday. I just want to be alone like always, and in the mornings I didn't have the will power to go to the gym so now its the middle of the day and I'm not going because I don't want to be around other people. The only other place I could go is the store but my credit card isn't working.

I can't get to work tomorrow if I can't fix it, and the bank is closed today so that means I'll have to come up with some excuse to my boss for why I'll be absent.

I think about my ex-gf a lot recently, and I thought that if I looked her up online and saw how she was doing I'd feel better, because then at least I'd stop thinking about hypothetical situations where we'd meet again. But I couldn't find anything on her... to be honest I forgot how to spell her last name too. I wish I could just see with my own eyes that she's dating someone new who actually has their life together so I could accept that there's no chance I'd ever be with her again.

I have things I want to work on and such but I just spend all day wishing my life was better than it was. I hate my situation, I wonder how long it will take me to fix my credit card, probably a lot longer than it should. I'm kind of embarrassed to talk to a bank employee tomorrow about it, because I have no clue if I've been doing something wrong with how I've been using my credit card up until now. Maybe they're going to look at me like a delinquent or something. I don't know what I did to deserve this.

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## Kesky

> Pain in my neck/shoulder area. It's a congenital problem that can effect my ability to type, among many other things. I tend to have to do everything with my weaker left hand to ameliorate the pain when this kicks in, which is just brilliant as you can imagine. It was never a problem when I was younger, but with age it's gotten worse. Just bouncing back after a period of grief-induced shutdown and then this comes up. Woke up crying and wanting to kill myself. Now I'm typing this message very very slowly and it really sucks. At least the painkillers are starting to kick in.
> 
> 
> @Shredder
>  
> @Cuchculan
>  
> @Kesky
> 
> ...



 :Hug:  I hope you?re healing up ok. Those kinds of issues are as frustrating as they are painful. Hope you?ve found some relief. I got this thing called a Thera-Cane years ago that has been helpful. Hang in there.

----------


## Shredder

@CeltAngel
 Hope you are feeling better soon. We miss you here. Take Care  :Hug:

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## Cuchculan

Hope you feel better soon 
@CeltAngel
 Normally when I chain people up they can't escape. So I was wondering how you managed to get out.

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## CeCe

> My credit card stopped working and I have no idea why. I don't know how to read my credit card information on the online banking site, but I don't see any reason for why my card would just stop working like this. The only thing is that I have kind of a large balance transfer pending onto the card to pay off the credit from the last month. But I don't know if that would do anything; the rules for the credit card are so long and hard to read.
> 
> I just feel terrible today overall too, I haven't gone outside once since I got home from work on Friday. I just want to be alone like always, and in the mornings I didn't have the will power to go to the gym so now its the middle of the day and I'm not going because I don't want to be around other people. The only other place I could go is the store but my credit card isn't working.
> 
> I can't get to work tomorrow if I can't fix it, and the bank is closed today so that means I'll have to come up with some excuse to my boss for why I'll be absent.
> 
> I think about my ex-gf a lot recently, and I thought that if I looked her up online and saw how she was doing I'd feel better, because then at least I'd stop thinking about hypothetical situations where we'd meet again. But I couldn't find anything on her... to be honest I forgot how to spell her last name too. I wish I could just see with my own eyes that she's dating someone new who actually has their life together so I could accept that there's no chance I'd ever be with her again.
> 
> I have things I want to work on and such but I just spend all day wishing my life was better than it was. I hate my situation, I wonder how long it will take me to fix my credit card, probably a lot longer than it should. I'm kind of embarrassed to talk to a bank employee tomorrow about it, because I have no clue if I've been doing something wrong with how I've been using my credit card up until now. Maybe they're going to look at me like a delinquent or something. I don't know what I did to deserve this.



Did your credit cards get fixed? And don't feel embarrassed they are there to answer your questions and help you. PS it's never a good idea to look up an ex.  Focus on the future.

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## fetisha

I wish I could stop cutting myself.

----------


## Otherside

Long, non anxiety related gripe. 

Moved into a new flat 2 months back. New build, so first resident. Supply was with Ovo, informed them I was the resident, then switched over to Eon. So far, so good. 

Then today get a letter saying "sorry to see you go" from Eon. Contact Eon, say this isnt me. They say it happens, theyll try and switch the account back, in the mean time it's been transferred to SSE. 

Contact SSE - this is where it pisses me off. They confirm the account is there but not in my name, but they will not shut the account down and will only consider it a switch made in error if the account holder informs of this. This seems to be the management agent, who has informed them the flat is empty. In the meantime, as far as they are concerned, I have a contract with them and I am liable for the cost of usage. 

Contact management agent - not them, wouldnt do that, have nothing to do with SSE. Wont contact SSE. 

Seriously. How the actual hell is someone who is not me able to switch me to another supplier, and leave me liable? Although to be quite frank, they can sue me for the charges. See if the court agrees that I'm liable for an account not in my name for a switched electrical supply I didnt do. 

Sent from my SM-G960F using Tapatalk

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## rabidfoxes

Happened to my friend as well, just got randomly switched to another supplier and they're refusing to switch him back. Meanwhile, I'm having issues with my broadband...my supplier got acquired by Shell and I am given no choice but to pay my money to them from now on. Which I'm not keen on doing since I have little love for Shell and their environment-destroying business. Still, can't switch out without a penalty so will have to wait for the contract to come to an end.

----------


## Otherside

Yeah, I saw shell when I switched my broadband recently. They wrte fairly decently priced, but I avoid them on principle for the same reason.

I am getting somewhere with SSE now, after calling them once again and repeatedly telling them it was unlawful and I'd get the ombudsman involved if needbe. They pay a fee win or lose with that, so think they will close off the account and let me move away from them in exchange for me going quietly. 

Honesty tempted to say they can sue me to get me to pay a contract I did not sign for a switch I didnt consent to...but I'll be fired if I end up with a CCJ or default on file. :/ 

Sent from my SM-G960F using Tapatalk

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## rabidfoxes

Congrats on your breakthrough, hope it all works out well. When it comes to calling utility/broadband providers I usually avoid it until my partner does it because it's so dehumanising I can barely take it. Once I wrote a complaint to Vodafone telling them they made me want to stab my arm with a fork, repeatedly. It was effective, they finally sorted my account!

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## Relle

My ocd and negative thoughts and past hurts.

----------


## fetisha

I cannot wait until death. I'm a horrible person. I wish people would stop watching me everywhere I go.

----------


## Sainnot

Just found out that my ex-gf is married, and is living in a house with this guy in a suburb not far from where we grew up.

I don't know it just bothers me... I think on a few different levels. For one, she's the only girl I've been with that I think was a personality match with me... and I have a terrible and weird personality so I kinda hoped she wouldn't marry someone else. For another, she was a notable person in my life, and to see that now she's just doing what every other 20 billion girls in the world are doing is sort of a shock... Idk what I expected but it's like she's just another girl in the world... idk I just didn't think of her like that. Then for another, it makes me feel like something is wrong with me. We're in our mid-twenties, I am still working on stabilizing my life and picking up pieces that I broke, and she is super happy married, and doing all sorts of adult things like owning a house and living in a suburb (and probably having kids soon). 

I really have no right to be bothered by this news but it does bother me, it also makes me feel like I'm an alien on a distant planet. Like the only person who could have understood where I'm coming from is no longer relatable to me. Maybe it will be a bit liberating to think like this... or maybe I'll just become depressed. No one is like me; I wish I were more normal.

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## fetisha

I wish I was normal so bad.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

General depression.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I'm so fucking exhausted please kill me.

----------


## firestar

Went to run an errand this afternoon and the GPS wouldn't give me a good route. Either I had to go one stop on the highway, or I had to make a bunch of turns through neighborhood streets in order to go onto a major road. I chose the second option because I hate the highway. 

The GPS told me to make a left turn onto the major road when there was a sign right there saying no left turns allowed. There's construction on that road, which has screwed up traffic there. So I had to make a right turn at a stop sign onto a busy street (basically forcing myself into traffic) and go on the highway, anyway. 

I should have just used a map. I hate driving.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Starting my new job on Monday. I'm having all the worries.

----------


## Otherside

> Starting my new job on Monday. I'm having all the worries.




Hope it went well for you  ::):

----------


## Otherside

Got a jury summons - sent out three months ago to an old address and Royal Mails redirection service has only just managed to redirect it here. And there is apparently a ?1000 fine for not responding within seven days which was impossible. 

Sent from my SM-G960F using Tapatalk

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## Heelsbythebridge

Thanks, it went very well so far! Have a fantastic new manager and friendly team, and an inclusive culture.

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## fetisha

I wish the world would stop mocking me.

----------


## Relle

I?m lonely

----------


## Cuchculan

Hugs

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## Bbrate

It's dark and I'm scared.

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## Cuchculan

Put a radio on. Bit of distraction.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Depression, I think it's PMS. I don't have any unusual problems the past couple days but I'm just in a deep funk that I can't convince myself out of.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Absolutely nothing in my life is going right. There are zero joys or reasons to feel okay, let alone excited.

----------


## Total Eclipse

> Absolutely nothing in my life is going right. There are zero joys or reasons to feel okay, let alone excited.



Hugs I am here for you! <3

----------


## Otherside

I am on hold to HSBC. I have been on hold for the last half an hour. I had to hang up early today because I was on hold for 40 minutes.

The om hold music is doing my bloody head in, as it the constant messages telling me I can replace my card using the app. 

Why do you think I'm calling you exactly? Because I can't replace my lost or stolen card in the app. Its just blocked the card and told me to call you to get a replacement sent out.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

Alcohol doesn't make me feel as good as it used to but I keep drinking it anyway because it at least puts bad thoughts off balance for a little while. I'm pickling my innards.

----------


## Heelsbythebridge

I'm constipated. Why does this always happen when I'm on my period?? As if it wasn't bad enough

----------


## Otherside

Mixed feelings about the threat to pull out of the house purchase. 

- On one hand, it will be a relief, quite frankly. Seven months with little movement, and 2 sets of solicitors who have just run the clock down and whoa are blaming everyone but themselves for how we are in this situation. Give me a break. You are bad. It should not take a month+ to answer questions sent to you, and then to review the answers. That's how we are here. 
- On the other hand, I'm not going to get a mortgage at 3.5% again. But to be quote Frank, there won't be one very soon. And I'm certainly not going to get an extension at a higher rate so another seven months cam be spent doing very little. 

I mean, "I will pull out. If I don't, the seller will veery soon." Has finally gotten movement, but it should have been like this months ago. 

Fucks sake. Frustrating as it is, I feel sorry for the seller. I pull out, he's stuck with a mortgage on an empty flat and will probably get a lower price now. I just have to pay solicitors fees (though I will be querying because 7 bloody months).

----------


## Otherside

So, I'm going to start this off with the preface -

The Epilim/Sodium Valproate scandal is simply that. An absolute scandal, and it is absolutley appalling that the drug companies coveted up what the drug was doing, and that patients were not warned of the dangers of being on this drug whilst pregnant. I hope they get sued for huge sums, there quite possibly should be criminal charges against those who covered this up over the scale of this. 

That said - 

It's hard to demonise the drug, when it got me stable a decade back. This is not a minor thing. It is not simply mild unpleasantness. It quite literally, saved my life. As it has many others. The fact remains that is one of the most effective drugs out there for treating both epilepsy and bipolar, and it may very well one day be needed again. I have zero intention of having any children. Whether I am even can is another issue, but we won't go there.

Im seeing some well-deserved critisim, then I'm seeing a lot of people posting a hell of a lot of misinformation and engaging in a moral panic, and on the other side of it, a lot of people who are quite frankly, [BEEP] scared, that they will be taken off of it, something which could very well kill them.

So, the absolute blunt points. 

- This drug saves lives. Epilepsy, bipolar? They kill people. They are not easy to treat.  Yes, the side effects are shit. Take it from me. The thyroid issues cleared up when I went off. Quite frankly, there are very few - if any - drugs that treat epilepsy or bipolar that are side effect free. It is often a balancing act of what can be tolerated and what cannot be.
- "There are alternative options, just switch." JFC, it is not that simple. You don't simply oneday stop taking it, and go onto another. That is a major risk for some people.
- "It shouldn't be prescribed to anyone at all because of this." See point 1. It absolutley shouldn't be prescribed to pregnant women, or women who intend to pregnant in the near future, I agree.
- "Set percentage of women who comes off/switched". Point 1. 
- I know this absolutle shock to some people, but not everyone wants to have children, not everyone can, not everyone is straight. Not every medical decision needs to revolve around a hypothetical, future foetus that will not exist.

----------

