# Struggles and Support > Frustration and Struggles >  >  My dearest mother.

## Sagan

In accordance with her own wishes. I will be making the most difficult decision of my life tomorrow. The decision to stop life support for my mother. We have verbaly spoke about this a while ago. and she has a POLST (Physician Orders for Life-Sustaining Treatment) and in that she states that she would Like to be on life support *temporarily* while they conduct breathing trials. If there is no sign of recovery after these trials, end life support. Every time they conduct a breathing trial and let her breath on her own, her 02 drops, her pulse and blood pressure shoot up and they have to return her to 100% ventilator. She also suffered a severe right brain stroke. Paralyzing her left side. Her personality and cognitive functions have changed. She cannot respond to commands. Such as give a thumbs up, wiggle your toes, shake your head no. She just stares at me with no expression on her face.

This is the hardest decision I will ever make in my entire life. I am still in disbelief. It's all so surreal. I've known my moms health has been very poor for many years now. But I'm still just like someone please wake me up from this nightmare. I cannot believe this is happening. But it is. I can't even begin to express how wonderful of a person my mother is. She is my best friend. Always there for me when I needed support and in my darkest hours. SHe is the most loving,forgiving, caring, selfless person I have ever known. 

She has battled for so long. hit by a train in her car in near Barsto CA in 1969. Suffered severe trauma. Forced to go on Disability after being in coma for 3 months.  battling cancer in 09 and going through chemo and radiation. Having Renal failure I mean just look at the image attached, so much going on. She fought so hard. She is tired and needs to rest. She needs to be at peace. I pray that I am making the right decision. But I feel in my heart I am.

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## L

Sweety, I'm so sorry this is happening. I'm so sorry you are left with this, make it her choice with you helping her carry out what she would prefer happen. This is just shit, sending my love xxx

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## SmileyFace

Oh my, I'm so sorry to hear, Sagan  ::(:

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## Chantellabella

Josh, I'm so sorry that you have this impossible decision and heartache. Hang in there, my friend.  ::(:  

*gentle hug*

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## Inscrutable Banana

It's a heartbreaking situation to be in, but the impermanence of life makes itself known to us all at some point. Perhaps you can try and find some solace in knowing for certain that you are carrying out her wishes, as some people who have experienced a similar situation have had to make the same decision without what little closure such knowledge may provide.

My best wishes go out to you in this difficult time, Sagan.

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## merc

I'm really sorry for you. I can not think of anything else to add.

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## QuietCalamity

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how difficult that must be. Ultimately you are doing a very kind thing by taking on this burden.  :Hug:

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## IllusionOfHappiness

Words (typed ones at that) can't accurately portray how sorry I am that you're having to make this decision, Sagan. I know how much your mother means to you. It sounds like she has been through more than her fair share of health-related struggles. You will get through this.  :Hug:

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## Skippy

Sorry yer havin' to go thru this. Wishin' ya all the best, Josh. We're here for ya.

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## Kirsebaer

I'm so sorry to hear that Sagan  ::(:  I don't even know what to say ..
sending lots of love your way and a tight hug
 :Heart:

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## Koalafan

I'm so sorry to hear that Sagan  ::(:  Keep strong!!  :Hug:   :koala:

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## Sagan

Thank you all for your support. My mother passed away last night Oct 1 at 10:30 pm. The transition from life support to "comfort care" was difficult as she began thrashing around and grimising a lot. I was there holding her hand the whole time. once the started the other meds she began to calm down and was much more comfortable. The removed the ventilator and feeding tube and turned off all the monitors and machines in the room. She kept breathing for almost 3 hours. I kept telling her that it's ok to go, no more suffering no more battling...
When her breathing finally did stop. The nurses came in on both sides of her, listened for a few moments. and called it. 

I have never cried harder than I ever have at that moment. I've been through divorce, mental breakdowns, psych wards. Nothing was, and still is as truly painful as this experience. I have dug out old christmas and birthday cards she has given me over the years, almost 100 voicemails going back into last year saved on the computer from my phone, a beautiful picture of her as my wallpaper.

I'm having all of very bad thoughts that I am trying to fight. I promised that if anything were to ever happen to her. I would be strong and not hurt myself or do anything drastic. I have to honor that promise. I'm just so lost. Like being adrift in the middle of the ocean just floating wherever. I don't feel like my self anymore. While I am so very sad she is gone, and will miss her gore than I can say. I am at the same time glad that her pain and suffering all these years is finally over and she can be at peace. It helps a little knowing that she had already made the decision to not remain on life support months ago. So I wasn't deciding her fate, just carrying out her own wishes. 

I used to call her everyday at 10:00 before I went to bed. I'm going to miss our walks, man I don't know what to do or how to move on. It feels like a part of me has died. I feel like a zombie.

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## QuietCalamity

I'm so sorry for your loss. I really hope you keep posting through your struggle. We are here for you.  :Hug:

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## Sagan

I have started a Go Fund Me account for help with her cremation costs. She had no savings and I am on disability my self. I have asked local and state agency's for help, but there are none that exist for this type of assistance. My mothers last wish was was to be cremated and have her ashes spread on the beach. She loved the beach and listening to the sounds the ocean made. Waves, seagulls etc.

Anything you can spare would be more than appreciated. The only other option is to give her body up for research purposes and it would be heart breaking to have to go that route.

Here is the link http://www.gofundme.com/fdk4co

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## Chantellabella

> Thank you all for your support. My mother passed away last night Oct 1 at 10:30 pm. The transition from life support to "comfort care" was difficult as she began thrashing around and grimising a lot. I was there holding her hand the whole time. once the started the other meds she began to calm down and was much more comfortable. The removed the ventilator and feeding tube and turned off all the monitors and machines in the room. She kept breathing for almost 3 hours. I kept telling her that it's ok to go, no more suffering no more battling...
> When her breathing finally did stop. The nurses came in on both sides of her, listened for a few moments. and called it. 
> 
> I have never cried harder than I ever have at that moment. I've been through divorce, mental breakdowns, psych wards. Nothing was, and still is as truly painful as this experience. I have dug out old christmas and birthday cards she has given me over the years, almost 100 voicemails going back into last year saved on the computer from my phone, a beautiful picture of her as my wallpaper.
> 
> I'm having all of very bad thoughts that I am trying to fight. I promised that if anything were to ever happen to her. I would be strong and not hurt myself or do anything drastic. I have to honor that promise. I'm just so lost. Like being adrift in the middle of the ocean just floating wherever. I don't feel like my self anymore. While I am so very sad she is gone, and will miss her gore than I can say. I am at the same time glad that her pain and suffering all these years is finally over and she can be at peace. It helps a little knowing that she had already made the decision to not remain on life support months ago. So I wasn't deciding her fate, just carrying out her own wishes. 
> 
> I used to call her everyday at 10:00 before I went to bed. I'm going to miss our walks, man I don't know what to do or how to move on. It feels like a part of me has died. I feel like a zombie.



Oh Josh, I'm so sorry I'm only now seeing this.  :Hug:  

I can say things like she's out of pain now, but I know that doesn't lessen the heartache and grief. 

Know that we are here ok? 

Talking will help you, so if you feel up to it, just come here and talk about it.

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## Sagan

Again, I am so grateful for all of your support. My mother had no spouse, so the responsibility of handling the business end of things falls on her children. Primarily me. Not to discount my sister, but shes in the drug scene and pretty out there. Not pot, I don't have a problem with that. But she has a meth problem and I DO have a problem with that. So I am taking up the task of doing what I can to get her cremated (her final wish) contacting social security. All kinds of stuff. It's hard to do because all I want to do is lay in bed and cry. But there is a time for that. It is important to grieve. But right now I need to keep strong and take of business issues and alot time to grieve, but not become encompassed in it. and return to business. 

I think allowing myself 15-30 mins a day to do my thing so to speak, to grieve, then back to business seems reasonable. But I have a long road ahead of me, it's not going to be easy. But I will honor my moms wish that I will remain strong and continue on living a happy life after her passing. Distraction are also helpful. watching x files or star trek. giving my mind little breaks from all of this.

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## King Hut

dude that is hard  ::(:  sorry for your loss  ::(:

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## Sagan

Some good news in light of all of this. I was able to raise enough funding to help pay for her cremation costs. with me filling the gap between the fundraiser and final costs. It is a relief knowing I will be able to carry out her final wish. To have her ashes scattered on the beach upon her death. Not pointing anyone out. But there is a member here who I would like to thank for helping make this a reality. Thank you  :Hug:  It was all so very last minute. Cremation will happen today.

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