# Anxiety Disorders > Social Anxiety Disorder >  >  I'm conflicted and SO confused/afraid

## nothing

This is a dumb idea, but I'm posting this garbage anyway. The only reason I can post honestly about this is because I've been drinking and taking alprazolam.

I'm really directionless, I don't know where to go from here. I keep thinking, obsessing really, about women. I'm really lonely and I crave female attention. Not just sex, it's more than that, I want love. it's really all I want. When I think of it I get so afraid, I just know that no woman would want me. On August 9th I'll be 35. I have no job, not since 2002. I live with my mother. I have no hobbies/interests. What would we talk about? How could that mess be desirable? 

I know I've been making progress, but I'm still so damn afraid of life. I can't let go of the anger towards the one woman (girl when it happened) that RUINED my confidence and self-esteem. I hate that [BEEP] so much. I know I need to let it go, but I can't seem to do it. 

I have trouble being completely open with my therapist. I don't lie, but I hold back quite a bit. Another shrink I went to ove a decade ago was awful and as soon as I opened up completely, she stopped seeing me. That bitch, I think her key demographic was spoiled housewives with mild depression and she couldn;t handle the truth's I was letting out.

I have so much anger, resentment and fear. I don't want to hate myself anymore, I don't want to be lonely. I just want love, damn it, I need it SO bad. I don't see it ever happening, why would a woman love me? I do have a tremendous amount of love to offer and I'd be so attentive and supportive in a relationship, but I can;t get past the fact that I'd be a shitty provider; I don't even have a job. My idea of what women are looking for in a man is so skewed, I know this. TV and movies have not been a good pplace to base my ideals on, but I have ZERO interaction/experience with real women because they frighten me. I can;t take any more humiliation or rejection. Going through life to this point and never having even been on a date with a woman is so ridiculous, I hate myself so much for being a failure.

I don't know, maybe I should get drunk and on pills before my next therapist appointment so I will be able to just unload all of this on her, otherwise I'm pretty tight-lipped because it's humiliating to be almost 35 and never have had the experiences that most people have when they're in their early teens. 

I forget what else I was going to say, I'm drinking blueberry moonshine and chewing up alprazolam like there;s no tommorw so I don't know, I just don;t know. If I can;t ever have love then why the [BEEP] can;t I stop wanting it so badly?? I hate life sometimes and I just want this [BEEP] to stop.

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## Chantellabella

> This is a dumb idea, but I'm posting this garbage anyway. The only reason I can post honestly about this is because I've been drinking and taking alprazolam.
> 
> I'm really directionless, I don't know where to go from here. I keep thinking, obsessing really, about women. I'm really lonely and I crave female attention. Not just sex, it's more than that, I want love. it's really all I want. When I think of it I get so afraid, I just know that no woman would want me. On August 9th I'll be 35. I have no job, not since 2002. I live with my mother. I have no hobbies/interests. What would we talk about? How could that mess be desirable? 
> 
> I know I've been making progress, but I'm still so damn afraid of life. I can't let go of the anger towards the one woman (girl when it happened) that RUINED my confidence and self-esteem. I hate that [BEEP] so much. I know I need to let it go, but I can't seem to do it. 
> 
> I have trouble being completely open with my therapist. I don't lie, but I hold back quite a bit. Another shrink I went to ove a decade ago was awful and as soon as I opened up completely, she stopped seeing me. That bitch, I think her key demographic was spoiled housewives with mild depression and she couldn;t handle the truth's I was letting out.
> 
> I have so much anger, resentment and fear. I don't want to hate myself anymore, I don't want to be lonely. I just want love, damn it, I need it SO bad. I don't see it ever happening, why would a woman love me? I do have a tremendous amount of love to offer and I'd be so attentive and supportive in a relationship, but I can;t get past the fact that I'd be a shitty provider; I don't even have a job. My idea of what women are looking for in a man is so skewed, I know this. TV and movies have not been a good pplace to base my ideals on, but I have ZERO interaction/experience with real women because they frighten me. I can;t take any more humiliation or rejection. Going through life to this point and never having even been on a date with a woman is so ridiculous, I hate myself so much for being a failure.
> ...



Thank you for sharing that. I know it was hard to admit. I hear your frustration. 

I wish I had an answer for you. My youngest son is in the same boat and I want someone to just go out with him. How can he get experience if he can't even get a date in the first place. 

Don't give up and keep working on your issues. Maybe be honest with your therapist and maybe he or she can help you with goals concerning women. 

Just know that I hear you.

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## nothing

> Thank you for sharing that. I know it was hard to admit. I hear your frustration. 
> 
> I wish I had an answer for you. My youngest son is in the same boat and I want someone to just go out with him. How can he get experience if he can't even get a date in the first place. 
> 
> Don't give up and keep working on your issues. Maybe be honest with your therapist and maybe he or she can help you with goals concerning women. 
> 
> Just know that I hear you.



Thanks for hearing me. It's SO damn hard to admit what I want, I can;t seem to tell anyone in real life. I get so angry with myself because I know I'll never achieve happiness if I'm so reserved, but the words don't come out of my mouth when I try to say them. I'm sick of hating myself, I want to find someone I can be open with, I want that special person who will know everything about me and not run away screaming or humiliate me. I need that. I need it more than anything else. I feel like I'm suffocating without it, I don't want this way of life, I can;t tolerate it.

I just don;t know, I really don't.

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## QuietCalamity

There's no need to be embarrassed. Love is a basic human need.  :Hug:  Your therapist has probably heard the same sentiment a million times. And my guess is that for every guy like you there is a woman in the same situation with the same feelings. You're not alone. 

When I was single, I never ever got hit on by guys, and I was very shy and awkward in person. My self-worth was on the floor. I wanted to be loved so badly because I thought if someone else could love me, maybe I could love myself. That wasn't really how it worked out. Looking back I know I would have been a terrible partner to someone with as severe of issues as I had back then. You've been doing so awesome lately, I just know that if you keep at it you'll get there.  :Hug:

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## nothing

> There's no need to be embarrassed. Love is a basic human need.  Your therapist has probably heard the same sentiment a million times. And my guess is that for every guy like you there is a woman in the same situation with the same feelings. You're not alone. 
> 
> When I was single, I never ever got hit on by guys, and I was very shy and awkward in person. My self-worth was on the floor. I wanted to be loved so badly because I thought if someone else could love me, maybe I could love myself. That wasn't really how it worked out. Looking back I know I would have been a terrible partner to someone with as severe of issues as I had back then. You've been doing so awesome lately, I just know that if you keep at it you'll get there.




That sentiment perplexes me. I have heard it SO often, but I can't seem to apply it in my life. I have to love myself before anyone will love me, I know. How I go about doing this is another story. How can I love myself when I think I am a 100% failure? I have proof of this, I recite it to myself every day.'

How am I going to meet these women? How can I do this when I'm an awkward freak with NOTHING going for myself?  Hit on women? No way, I can;t ever do that, I know they wouldn't be interested in a complete and utter failure like me. WHy would they? "Hi, I'm an almost 35 year old loser who lives with his mom and has no job, let's hang out and get to know each other." 

HAHA, yeah, that's sure to work. yeah, it'll work if my goal is to make myself feel worse than I already do. THis is IMPOSSIBLE, no women will ever love me or even tolerate me because I'm a complete loser. Damn it, I hate myself so much, I wish I could stop wanting this, but the desire simply will not die.

I hope I stop breathing tonight, I really do. I don't want to live with these desires and needs. They're awful and I want them all to die, I want my hopes and dreams to DIE the death they deserve because I'll never amount to anything but a sad failure and that's a fate worse than death.

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## merc

Hi nothing,
Loving yourself starts with doing most of the stuff you have been already doing, Like trying to eat healthy, exercise and set small goals for yourself. Eventually this will pay off just keep up the hard work. Somewhere in time this hard work will pay off.

As I've gotten older,a married middle aged person with three kids , I can say the young men I work with really aren't so very different from you in their attitudes. There was this one young man who is rather pudgy and how to put it, "old looking." He was always moaning about "no girlfriend status." 
 I always thought he was nice and he really can cook, like really good stuff, which he would show us older ladies at work.  I always figured it would only be a matter of time before some girl would notice his good qualities and snap him up. Well, two years later, he now has a girlfriend. She's not the prettiest but is nice and has gorgeous hair, and a decent job in addition to her Target job.

Just the other day, this young guy, somewhere in his 20s was complaining about how women hate him and he can't get a date. He's kind of like a young Jerry Seinfeld, very funny. To me he seems rather nice and I again think it's only a matter of time. He's sharing a rental home with a group of young men. He's rather loud and funny , always has some outrageous story to share, which may be rather off-putting to some young woman. She'd  wind up in one of his monologues somewhere.

You have to lose the the I can't attitude. Talk to your counselor about why and how you always wind up in these downward negative tailspins. Relationships are tough, as much as I love my husband, there are moments when I'm annoyed enough to want to walk out the door and keep on walking.   It's life, you have to be able to fight with your partner. 

Sorry i don't have better advise.

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## nothing

> You have to lose the the I can't attitude. Talk to your counselor about why and how you always wind up in these downward negative tailspins.



I'm sick of talking to her. I'm supposed to go back tomorrow, but I really don't want to. I know exactly what she'll say, she'll say I did good by going to that stupid meetup and bla bla bla. I don't want to hear it. She had me writing some fucking ridiculous gratitude journal, I can't do it, I'm ungrateful. How can I be appreciative of anything when I feel like dying half the time? I'm glad I have food to eat and a roof over my head, but she said that wasn't exactly what I should be writing down. Guess what, I haven't written anything because it's moronic. I'm sick of her stupid advice, I hate paying her for worthless bullshit, but I know if I stopped going it would be admitting that I'm a lost cause and I'd blow my brains out that very night.

I don't think I'll ever get past the negative self-talk, now I'm on day three of my old pattern of drinking and abusing benzos. I stopped doing my yoga because I'm sick of it, I don't care if I'm healthy anymore. I really just want to get sick and die; it's what I deserve.

I hate this, every time I start to think positively something in my head just snaps and I descend into self-destruction again. I'll go to the stupid fucking appointment tomorrow, I'll be hung over and feeling like shit, but [BEEP] it, I'm just going to be nasty and tell Ms Useless exactly how I feel about her unsound methods that do [BEEP] all to help.

My god, just typing all of this has my heart pounding and I'm pouring sweat. I wish I didn't hate my useless self with such passion, but I do, I really do.

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## nothing

I'm so sorry that I'm negative all the time here, I know it doesn;t help anyone. I just feel that my life has been a monumental waste, that I'm a waste. A waste of space, a waste of life. I don't do anything with it, I must not have what it takes. I'm so dizzy and sick, I can't stand myself. I know I'll always be a failure, I know as long as I believe that it will be a fact, but my mind obviously doesn't want to be positive. I'm so exhausted trying to fix my shitty, useless brain, I just don't want to feel anymore. I want this to stop and I'm sick of all the trite, moronic bullshit people recommend, it doesn;t work. I hate myself and I'm really hating pretty much everyone else too, I don't want to try anymore, I just want to completely destroy my useless self because I'll never be happy, not ever. This shitty, horrible world would do best to be rid of me, I'm a burden on my family and a negative influence on all that I come across.

There's nothing good about life, it's 100% awful and miserable. If there is a God, I'd like to piss in his face and cut his throat, I hate whatever it is. It allows people to suffer just for the [BEEP] of it, it must be fucking hilarious for that sadistic bastard. How people can find comfort in such a fucking sack of [BEEP] is beyond me, but hey, who says I understand people? I don't and I don't want to. i just want to start hating everyone, maybe then I won't feel lonely.

[BEEP] this, I'm done.

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## QuietCalamity

Nothing, I don't know if this will mean anything to you but you remind me of David Foster Wallace, a literary genius who struggled with very severe depression for his entire life. He wrote one of the greatest commencement speeches, and I usually roll my eyes at those. It's not about thinking positively, but it is about how we perceive the world around us. I wonder what you would think of it. 

"This Is Water"
http://youtu.be/8CrOL-ydFMI

Text: http://web.ics.purdue.edu/~drkelly/D...ddress2005.pdf

P.S. As long as you keep posting here, I will keep bothering you.   :Razz:

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## nothing

> Nothing, I don't know if this will mean anything to you but you remind me of David Foster Wallace, a literary genius who struggled with very severe depression for his entire life. He wrote one of the greatest commencement speeches, and I usually roll my eyes at those. It's not about thinking positively, but it is about how we perceive the world around us. I wonder what you would think of it. 
> 
> "This Is Water"
> http://youtu.be/8CrOL-ydFMI
> 
> Text: http://web.ics.purdue.edu/~drkelly/D...ddress2005.pdf
> 
> P.S. As long as you keep posting here, I will keep bothering you.



Thanks, I may watch that later. Sorry I was so drunk and angry last night, I'm just completely lost and I have zero hope for the future. I'm going to my therapist appointment in a few minutes and I'll try to just be honest and tell her exactly what I'm feeling, it's just really hard to do that, I always clam up as soon as I get there.

I'm so frustrated with myself, I really don't know how to move past all of this nonsense and self-hatred but I'll keep torturing myself trying. That's what this whole process is, torture.

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## Nightingale

> This is a dumb idea, but I'm posting this garbage anyway. The only reason I can post honestly about this is because I've been drinking and taking alprazolam.
> 
> I'm really directionless, I don't know where to go from here. I keep thinking, obsessing really, about women. I'm really lonely and I crave female attention. Not just sex, it's more than that, I want love. it's really all I want. When I think of it I get so afraid, I just know that no woman would want me. On August 9th I'll be 35. I have no job, not since 2002. I live with my mother. I have no hobbies/interests. What would we talk about? How could that mess be desirable? 
> 
> I know I've been making progress, but I'm still so damn afraid of life. I can't let go of the anger towards the one woman (girl when it happened) that RUINED my confidence and self-esteem. I hate that [BEEP] so much. I know I need to let it go, but I can't seem to do it. 
> 
> I have trouble being completely open with my therapist. I don't lie, but I hold back quite a bit. Another shrink I went to ove a decade ago was awful and as soon as I opened up completely, she stopped seeing me. That bitch, I think her key demographic was spoiled housewives with mild depression and she couldn;t handle the truth's I was letting out.
> 
> I have so much anger, resentment and fear. I don't want to hate myself anymore, I don't want to be lonely. I just want love, damn it, I need it SO bad. I don't see it ever happening, why would a woman love me? I do have a tremendous amount of love to offer and I'd be so attentive and supportive in a relationship, but I can;t get past the fact that I'd be a shitty provider; I don't even have a job. My idea of what women are looking for in a man is so skewed, I know this. TV and movies have not been a good pplace to base my ideals on, but I have ZERO interaction/experience with real women because they frighten me. I can;t take any more humiliation or rejection. Going through life to this point and never having even been on a date with a woman is so ridiculous, I hate myself so much for being a failure.
> ...



This sounds pretty familiar - I've said much of the same to myself at times. 

You know, my husband cheated on me a few years ago. We worked things out, but for the longest time, I closed myself off. But inside, I would long terribly for love. Someone to love, someone to love me. I was painfully lonely. Painfully. 

And then I met someone (nothing ever happened) and I had a massive crush on him. It picked my spirits up, even though I was the only person who knew this was happening. We became friendly for awhile, but my feelings quickly outed me and scared him off. We're not even friends anymore, and I really liked this person on a platonic level, too. I felt like I'd been dumped, and went through another torturous round of depression. On the outside all of this was absolutely nothing, but inside, I was like a teenager again. And it was terrible. 

But I realized after some time, relationships - especially like the one I want - are out of reach until I deal with my dirty attic. My head. And, like you, I hate that whole, "love yourself first" thing. It's too abstract for me to really utilize. So until I'm in a healthier place, I just try to keep a few things in mind:

 - anxiety and depression make you lie to yourself. Another person close to you (in my case, my therapist) helps unravel the painful lies, and clear your perceptions. The shitty things I would say to myself were just designed to keep me in Hell: I was ugly, stupid, boring, lazy, etc. Despite the fact that in my past, I'd accomplished a ton of things, nor was I lazy or ugly. So it helps to step off the ledge and ask someone you trust, "Hey, tell me the truth - do I seem xxxxx to you?" And then ask them to say why they think what they do. And then replay that conversation over and over in your mind. 

- I read somewhere this saying: "Find three hobbies you love. One you can make money at, one you can use for exercise, and one you can relax with." I really took that to heart. It made "life" seem much simpler. I applied that basic formula to myself, and I'll be honest - I haven't figured it all out, but I kinda enjoy working on it. Because another thing anxiety and depression does is make you forget. Forget people, forget things you like - forget all kinds of important aspects of your life. It took me a lot of concentration to focus on the things I used to really enjoy. 

- I quit my first therapist because I found myself keeping things from him. He was super religious and had this theory about how I was "chosen" to take this burden on for my entire state. I couldn't take that seriously, not to mention I resented the idea of being chosen to basically have my life blown up. It pissed me off, actually. So I wouldn't tell him things. And sometimes when I would, he would twist them around to be something different, sinister. An argument with a friend suddenly became this latent-sexual obsession towards me - that kind of stuff. I ended up quitting him after about four sessions. I've never regretted that, and the next therapist I went to a few months later, was a million times better. For me, I really needed someone to purge all that ugliness I kept inside, out onto. 

I read a lot. Mostly psychology articles. I'm by myself most of the time, so it keeps me occupied, and I find a lot of interesting things that I like to try out. And I can certainly attest to the fact that it wasn't all the time, but usually, I know deep down that I just want to get better. I had to face the very real fact that no one was going to fix my situation for me, and I get really sick of feeling the way I do. 

But believe me - there were months at a time when I literally gave no fucks whatsoever. So don't take this as a competition, or me implying I'm better than anyone. These are just some things I've learned, and tried to do more of. Because I've been there, those nights downing xanax and vodka. I have definitely been there, and nothing really pulled me out except a little time passing. 

Sending good vibes your way. Hope you're feeling a little better soon.

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## nothing

Thank you Nightingale, that was very informative. My therapist isn't religious to my knowledge, she mentioned once that she felt "there are many paths to God" but that was only after she read something I had written in a journal about being frustrated in every way, even spiritually. We don't discuss that issue much, if she was overly religious I definitely wouldn't go to her because zealotry drives me crazy. Crazier than I already am, that is.

People tell me that I'm intelligent and have a lot going for me, but I can't seem to believe it; I really don't like myself at all. At this point, I'm not going to struggle looking for a hobby, nothing really brings me pleasure and I'm sick of looking. Right now I'm going to focus on my upcoming trip to visit a childhood friend and his wife whom I haven't seen since 2007, that'll be good for me and they have been telling me to come visit for a while now. They say they think I'm great, they want me around, so I'll go. It's going to be really uncomfortable in the airport because I have some serious anger towards the phony security theater that goes on there, I don't want some disgusting TSA agent touching me and I refuse to go through a dangerous body scanner, so hopefully they won't push me too far. I'll make it though, today I'm just going to shop around for a decently priced round trip ticket and that'll be that.

Thanks again for your kind reply.

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## Nightingale

> Right now I'm going to focus on my upcoming trip to visit a childhood friend and his wife whom I haven't seen since 2007, that'll be good for me and they have been telling me to come visit for a while now. They say they think I'm great, they want me around, so I'll go. It's going to be really uncomfortable in the airport because I have some serious anger towards the phony security theater that goes on there, I don't want some disgusting TSA agent touching me and I refuse to go through a dangerous body scanner, so hopefully they won't push me too far. I'll make it though, today I'm just going to shop around for a decently priced round trip ticket and that'll be that.
> 
> Thanks again for your kind reply.



Not for nothing, but getting out of town makes all the difference for me sometimes. New things to look at, feeling anonymous (in my case) - just the change of scenery. I don't get to do it very often, but when I do, it's a whole 'nother ball game in my head.

Believe what your friends say to you. You probably are great, and really - what does it hurt? Let them be nice to you. Enjoy your visit, be a little selfish inside by soaking up their kindness. We all need that and sometimes, it's really hard to come by.  

And ew - I don't like airport agents, either. Even before my situation began, I never liked being touched by strangers. Gross.

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## nothing

> Not for nothing, but getting out of town makes all the difference for me sometimes. New things to look at, feeling anonymous (in my case) - just the change of scenery. I don't get to do it very often, but when I do, it's a whole 'nother ball game in my head.
> 
> Believe what your friends say to you. You probably are great, and really - what does it hurt? Let them be nice to you. Enjoy your visit, be a little selfish inside by soaking up their kindness. We all need that and sometimes, it's really hard to come by.  
> 
> And ew - I don't like airport agents, either. Even before my situation began, I never liked being touched by strangers. Gross.



I will, I was chatting with him and his wife earlier and they really are glad that I'm visiting soon. I'll try to accept the positive things they say about me, I really need to.

The TSA thing worries me the most, I was molested as a child and I DO NOT like strange people touching me. I hope it goes quickly and they don't linger on my body long, I'd hate to get tasered and arrested for assaulting a TSA "agent". I really hate those useless assholes, they don't provide safety, I can't even talk to the people who try to defend them as just "doing their job".

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## merc

I know they make you take off your shoes and walk through the scanner. Just make sure you don't have any odd bits of metal like a pocket full of screws, Once I had to go into our local  courthouse. I cane straight from work and forgot about my box cutter. The guy running the scanner said what is that I said it's a box cutter from work. Instead of confiscating it he made me throw it outside where I could pick it up later. Also once my cheap hair clips set off the buzzer and I got the wand, however she took one look at me and said " I already know what it is and it was my snappy hair clips.

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## Nightingale

South Park - always a classic. 

I have a few horror stories about going through the security checkpoints. I'll spare you, but one I wanted to mention that's kinda funny: I was leaving Savannah, and waiting in that bullshit 3 mile long line just to get to the gate that every airport seemed to have at that time. So we're all just standing there, about to pass out from boredom, and a couple of checkpoint ladies walked past me. One turned completely around and complimented my hair. She then went and got several other women and a few guys, all to come look at my hair. 

It was truly bizarre, but, kinda nice as a boredom breaker. I still had to stand there forever to get to the gate, though.

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