# Anxiety Disorders > Social Anxiety Disorder >  >  I have to go to a new country alone for a few days

## Coffee

And I'm freaking the hell out. I don't know anybody there. It's part of uni so I have to go if I want to pass this semester. It's only for about 4 days so it's not too bad, but that's still a hell of a lot of people that I'm going to constantly be around from 9:30am to 5pm. And that's more exposure than I've had in years. I don't know what the hell I'm doing/what to do/how to calm down a little. There's so much that could go wrong. I know I just need to get through it and I don't have a choice, but any tips you might have would be really useful. I'm worried everyone is going to hate me or I'm going to make a mistake and say/do something stupid and then they'll all judge me and hate me or whatever. The usual. 

I'm going on Thursday.

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## Antidote

What country are you going to? 
I've traveled a lot. The hardest thing is going to a developing, non-english speaking country. And I worry most about getting lost at airports. If they're still speaking English then it's going to be pretty much the same as going to something in your native country, except relocated.

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## Coffee

> What country are you going to? 
> I've traveled a lot. The hardest thing is going to a developing, non-english speaking country. And I worry most about getting lost at airports. If they're still speaking English then it's going to be pretty much the same as going to something in your native country, except relocated.



Australia, lol. I'll be in Melbourne. So it's not a huge cultural change, but i"m still terrified everyone is going to despise me for whatever reason.

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## distancing

Hi, Coffee. I studied abroad last year, so I definitely understand the stress. Don't have too much advice to offer, unfortunately, but if it's mostly other students you're going to be around, try to keep in mind that many of them are dealing (to some degree, anyway) with some of the same fears and preoccupations you are. So they'll undoubtedly be less judgmental than you're fearing. That was what I encountered, anyway, and I felt a bit better after [eventually] recognizing that.

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## L

> And I'm freaking the hell out. I don't know anybody there. It's part of uni so I have to go if I want to pass this semester. It's only for about 4 days so it's not too bad, but that's still a hell of a lot of people that I'm going to constantly be around from 9:30am to 5pm. And that's more exposure than I've had in years. I don't know what the hell I'm doing/what to do/how to calm down a little. There's so much that could go wrong. I know I just need to get through it and I don't have a choice, but any tips you might have would be really useful. I'm worried everyone is going to hate me or I'm going to make a mistake and say/do something stupid and then they'll all judge me and hate me or whatever. The usual. 
> 
> I'm going on Thursday.



Hey sweety, You know it could go really well too! Where are you go to and what will you be doing? 

It is only four days as you said. Do you have everything sorted for it? 

There is so much that could go right - plan ahead, make it as less stressful on yourself as you can. At the end of the day you do have a choice and you are choosing to go!

Everyone could love you or infact not even get to know you so how can they judge so quickly? How do you judge other people? You could be wonderful or not even stand out - I'm interested to know what you have to do though?

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## Coffee

> Hi, Coffee. I studied abroad last year, so I definitely understand the stress. Don't have too much advice to offer, unfortunately, but if it's mostly other students you're going to be around, try to keep in mind that many of them are dealing (to some degree, anyway) with some of the same fears and preoccupations you are. So they'll undoubtedly be less judgmental than you're fearing. That was what I encountered, anyway, and I felt a bit better after [eventually] recognizing that.



Yeah my psych said that same thing - that everyone there will be new too so they will be feeling some of the same things I am. I guess I just always assume that everyone else is super happy confident social and forget that there could be other people 'like me' out there too, haha. 





> Hey sweety, You know it could go really well too! Where are you go to and what will you be doing? 
> 
> It is only four days as you said. Do you have everything sorted for it? 
> 
> There is so much that could go right - plan ahead, make it as less stressful on yourself as you can. At the end of the day you do have a choice and you are choosing to go!
> 
> Everyone could love you or infact not even get to know you so how can they judge so quickly? How do you judge other people? You could be wonderful or not even stand out - I'm interested to know what you have to do though?



Well it's like a lab weekend workshop thing, so basically its 2 days of CLASS PARTICIPATION AND GROUP WORK!!!!  :Mega Shock:  and just [BEEP] like that, and they teach you the skills you need for writing research reports and everything. I've got most things sorted, but I'm so terrified I'm going to forget something really vital. And then i'll have no idea what to do. 

Do you guys think it is a horrific idea for me to just be totally honest and say that I'm really shy (instead of anxious) when I have to introduce myself? I'm thinking that could either a) lessen the anxiety because then it's out there and I don't have to pretend, or b) make things worse for me.

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## Antidote

I tend not to ever say I'm shy when introducing myself. I once saw a guy do this, and my friend at the time thought he was a weirdo for doing so, and was kind of obnoxious about it. Even though I was more forgiving (since I know where he's coming from) it came across as kind of odd, so I took a mental note never to do that. People will detect that you're shy anyway, you don't really need to give them a heads up. It comes across like you're insecure and apologetic about it, which you shouldn't be, it's just how you are.

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## Member11

> Do you guys think it is a horrific idea for me to just be totally honest and say that I'm really shy (instead of anxious) when I have to introduce myself? I'm thinking that could either a) lessen the anxiety because then it's out there and I don't have to pretend, or b) make things worse for me.



Honestly is a good policy I say. ::D:  When I first start out at college, saying that I'm a bit shy helped as people tend to be more forgiving and more patient. And knowing I didn't have to act as a "normal" social student put me a bit at ease.

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## Chopin12

> Do you guys think it is a horrific idea for me to just be totally honest and say that I'm really shy (instead of anxious) when I have to introduce myself? I'm thinking that could either a) lessen the anxiety because then it's out there and I don't have to pretend, or b) make things worse for me.



Ya that's a terrible idea. Your best bet is to try and blend in by aggressively asserting you're not shy at all in their accent. They'll like that.

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## WintersTale

I understand that fear, but just think about what a cool experience it'll be. 

I've only left the country once, to go to the Bahamas, but it was such a cool experience. I would definitely love to travel abroad again.

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## takethebiscuit

> Do you guys think it is a horrific idea for me to just be totally honest and say that I'm really shy (instead of anxious) when I have to introduce myself? I'm thinking that could either a) lessen the anxiety because then it's out there and I don't have to pretend, or b) make things worse for me.



If you think it would help, fair enough. 

Yes, it could lessen the anxiety because it's out there and you don't have to pretend. 

But why do you think you'd have to pretend anything anyway? Why do you think new people will judge you like that? I mean, sure, they might. They might be really moronic and idiots on a massive scale. Or they might think: "she's kinda cool".

I know it's hard to travel to new places and meet new people. I flew to Australia in 2010 and then flew back again weeks later. I hate flying never mind meeting new people and all the stuff that comes with that. 

And there have been times when I've introduced myself by saying things like: "hey, I'm anxious, I lack confidence, I suck at this social thing sometimes...." 

And yes, sometimes it helped and made me feel better when I introduced myself like that despite the rather odd looks from other people when I did it.

But I was only really doing it because I was running on the assumption that I had to apologise for who I was in advance. That I was basically "bad" and I had to let people in on that fact just to be on the safe side. 

People who negatively judge you for no darn good reason are not worth apologising to in the first place. And the people who don't judge won't care one bit whether you're shy,anxious or dance around on one leg for a bit for no real reason. Because they like you not some label that you or anyone else thinks defines you. 

You're shy. You're anxious. And before any of those things about you were true, you were given a name. You had experiences. People loved you, people liked you and people saw the truth of you even when you couldn't see it. 

You're beyond labels. It's your decision how you define yourself and what you decide to show other people you meet. But you can just turn up as you and be liked for being you.

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## L

> Well it's like a lab weekend workshop thing, so basically its 2 days of CLASS PARTICIPATION AND GROUP WORK!!!!  and just [BEEP] like that, and they teach you the skills you need for writing research reports and everything. I've got most things sorted, but I'm so terrified I'm going to forget something really vital. And then i'll have no idea what to do. 
> 
> Do you guys think it is a horrific idea for me to just be totally honest and say that I'm really shy (instead of anxious) when I have to introduce myself? I'm thinking that could either a) lessen the anxiety because then it's out there and I don't have to pretend, or b) make things worse for me.



Do you have a partner or someone you can lean on while away - a link lecturer or contact with your college - if anything goes wrong do you know who to get in touch with. 

There is nothing wrong with you saying that you are shy, people accept that and it may make them make more effort towards you. I hope it goes well sweety x

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## Coffee

> I tend not to ever say I'm shy when introducing myself. I once saw a guy do this, and my friend at the time thought he was a weirdo for doing so, and was kind of obnoxious about it. Even though I was more forgiving (since I know where he's coming from) it came across as kind of odd, so I took a mental note never to do that. People will detect that you're shy anyway, you don't really need to give them a heads up. It comes across like you're insecure and apologetic about it, which you shouldn't be, it's just how you are.



Oh man I just assumed because we're all psych majors that they'd be understanding, haha. But now that you mention it, saying I'm shy right off the bat might be a little weird. 





> Ya that's a terrible idea. Your best bet is to try and blend in by aggressively asserting you're not shy at all in their accent. They'll like that.



Are you serious though? Do you think it's a bad idea? Also I can't do an Australian accent  ::'(:  British is close enough though, right...? 





> If you think it would help, fair enough. 
> 
> Yes, it could lessen the anxiety because it's out there and you don't have to pretend. 
> 
> But why do you think you'd have to pretend anything anyway? Why do you think new people will judge you like that? I mean, sure, they might. They might be really moronic and idiots on a massive scale. Or they might think: "she's kinda cool".
> ...
> 
> You're beyond labels. It's your decision how you define yourself and what you decide to show other people you meet. But you can just turn up as you and be liked for being you.



This really helped. I guess the main reason I wanted to just say that I'm shy was because in case I didn't participate much in group, they wouldn't think I'm just lazy or whatever. They'd know that I DO want to be helpful, but I'm just a little restricted. 





> Do you have a partner or someone you can lean on while away - a link lecturer or contact with your college - if anything goes wrong do you know who to get in touch with. 
> 
> There is nothing wrong with you saying that you are shy, people accept that and it may make them make more effort towards you. I hope it goes well sweety x



No I'm going solo while I'm there... : / I wish I knew at least 1 other person who I would see over there. Hopefully the lecturer will be semi-approachable. Thanks for your help lovely x

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## Koalafan

Australia cant be that bad!!! That's where koalas are!!  :Celebrate:   :koala: 

Im sure everythings going to be okay, we always tend to think about a billion things that can go wrong and over exaggerate even the most minor details which is something I do all the time =/. I guess just try to enjoy yourself the best you can, and to not sweat the small stuff! As other people have said Im sure everyone there is going to be just nervous and anxious as you are which is something we tend to forget every now and then  :Tongue: 

But anyway I hope all goes well and Im sure it will!!  :Hug:

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## Chopin12

> Are you serious though? Do you think it's a bad idea? Also I can't do an Australian accent  British is close enough though, righ



hehe no, i think saying you're shy is a good idea. not saying it is also good. they might think its kinda random if you said it, but if you guys do little introduction things it might not be so random.

the only thing i can think is that you might feel awkward when it comes down to talking to people after telling them youre shy. if you think it would help, though, do it. i dont think anyone would think youe weird for it, youre just being honest.

P.S.
Im giving you this advice strictly to bolster my ego and advice repertoire. Don't get any funny notions of me liking you. We're still *not*​ cool.

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## Coffee

Oh my god, the amount of anxiety. How the hell am I going to do this.

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## takethebiscuit

> Oh my god, the amount of anxiety. How the hell am I going to do this.



In the olden days, ships used to position a lookout in the crow's nest. His job was to make sure the ship didn't disappear off the edge of the world. Because, of course, the world was flat so you could fall off it if you were not careful. 

Now, modern day people have seen the image of the Earth from space. And the Earth is round. It's a planet hurtling through an orbit. There are no edges you can fall off. But look out after look out spent ages worrying about their ships falling off the edge of the world. An edge that didn't exist in the first place. 

I know anxiety and worry well. But worrying about this experience that has not not happened yet is basically like being up in that crow's nest looking out for the edge of the world. It's not like we can see the real future. There's loads of stuff we're never going to anticipate or dream of in a million years. Loads of stuff that could happen that we'd never anticipate in a million years. Some dangers, yes. But also many wonders and beautiful life experiences.

On the 8th of Jan 2010, I had many worries in my head. But one of them was not: watch out! You're about to slip on some ice and have quite a serious accident. Which is actually what happened to me on that day. 

Worrying and stressing and getting anxious about stuff I thought might happen did nothing to prepare or protect me. It just drained me. Emotionally drained me and drained me from my experience of the moment I was actually in. And there's only so much time in life.

There might well be dangers and risks and challenges. You'll meet them and those challenges and risk will meet you. You'll deal with what comes up. What if this happens? What if that happens? Well, if it does, you'll deal with it. 

There's a place for planning and sorting out problems and issues. But beyond that, the point is to be in the experiences you're having right now and the experiences you're going to have.

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## pam

Here are the tips I could think of for you (hopefully they aren't totally useless, lol!)

1. Try to think of this trip as an adventure. That's the most positive way to look at it--yes unknown things and people will be there, but that's what an adventure is all about--surprises, hopefully good ones!

2. I agree with you that psych majors are/should be more understanding. And so hopefully less (or even not at all) judgmental.

3. Even for "regular" people, 4 days is not nearly enough time to build up hate toward anyone, so that just will not happen!

4. There are 2 kinds of people--introverts and extroverts. The introverts will understand you, (altho they may not show it, lol.), The extroverts won't notice anything is even wrong with you (by "wrong" I mean you feeling uncomfortable). If you've ever observed extroverted-happy-confident-social people, they kind of aren't nearly connected to others as we think. They are more superficial in their approach to things and so while we might be thinking they are looking at us and seeing inside us and how anxious we feel, and wondering about it, maybe judging it, etc, in reality, they are probably just looking at your pretty nose or the shirt you're wearing or something like that. Really. That's what I've noticed anyway.

5. In general, people aren't paying nearly as much attention to you as you think.

6. On admitting you're shy: Do it ONLY if it is going to make you feel better, period. NOT because you think others will see or treat you differently. You know what I mean? If just saying it will be a relief to you, then yes. If you do it expecting it will help other people see you in a better light and therefore treat you better, then I would say don't bother because what if it doesn't work, (or you perceive that it makes it worse, even if it doesn't) it might make you feel more uncomfortable over the time you're there. If you do it, do it completely for yourself. 

7. Try to have some topics of conversation you could bring up with people. Since you're all psych majors, maybe that will be kind of easy. 

8. Think of the trip as something you as an individual are doing for you self. Not just as a group thing. I can't really explain what I mean by this....

9. During the time you are there, throughout the day and then in the evenings, remember to congratualte yourself for doing well, surviving it, etc. and reward yourself. If you happen to make some mistake, FORGET about it. It's over and tomorrow is a new day. Leave it in the past; focus on the activity you are doing now. A lot of successful people say "Ignore your failures." So if you think you failed at something, so what? You're allowed to mess up if you feel like it!

10. Think of this as part of your "job" rather than something you have to do for school. Later in your career, you might go to seminars and stuff like that so you could try to see this like that. 

Also, are you staying in a hotel? Will you have to room with someone? My boyfriend goes sometimes for training classes for his job (he's a tractor trailer truck mechanic at a truck stop--so for electric systems or HVAC) and they pair you up with another guy from another location in the country. He's gone several times so far and each time he's gotten along great with his roommate and some of the other guys. And he is very quiet. He doesn't have SA, but he looks like he does! He's more avoidant than anxiuos. And even for him it works out and he stays for at least a week.

Good luck! Enjoy the adventure and I hope you have a good time!

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## Coffee

Wow you guys are all amazing. Thank you for all of your help. I leave in about 12 hours, and all of the posts here definitely helped me to calm down a little. 

Pam, luckily I'm not sharing with anyone so I can get some time away from people, haha. I like your idea of thinking of it as an adventure. 

Thanks again everybody. Will let you know how it goes!

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## Coffee

Quickie update - arrived this morning and the plane & customs was ok (I thought i'd get stopped because I had a boatloat of pills, lol), i'm at my motel now and I just went to try to find the building in campus so I wouldn't be late tomorrow, but I got lost totally and it took me about an hour. and I still don't know where I am. So I might have to be a total dick and taxi it the first day which is EVEN MORE STRESSFUL because I don't want to be " that girl"  that took a taxi for something so fast, lol. Apart from that, everything is ok. I'm very anxious about tomorrow but I've managed to hold a few conversations with strangers here, spoke to 1 guy about cigs and another woman helped me to find my way around the campus and walked me around, lol. I learnt a lot about her and she was really kind. I had to stop and ask directions a lot and everyone was so nice and helpful. 

I hope it's the same tomorrow. I'm on track so far, apart from the whole getting lost thing. Would you guys think someone is a weirdo for having to take a taxi to something that's supposedly 20 mins away on foot (even though it took me heaps longer)? I'm not going to tell anyone, it's just if someone sees me...

 also forgot to mention that buses aren't running properly or reliable on weekends so it's literally either walk or taxi. fuck.

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## Antidote

A taxi's not a big deal. If anyone recognises you I'd just be honest and tell them I had no idea where I was going hence the taxi.  :shrug:  There's humour in the situation so it'll go down well. Alternative plan is study the area with google maps street view.

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## takethebiscuit

When I first went to London for my therapy training I took a taxi from my hotel to somewhere you could get to on the tube in about twenty minutes for dramatically less than the taxi fare. But I did not know that, I didn't really know the area or where the building I was supposed to go to was and so I booked the taxi just to be on the safe side. Nobody saw me and nobody cared anyway. 

I don't want you to realise that you'll find your feet very quickly and know where you need to get to because right now all this is new and daunting for you and I appreciate that. 

Was I anxious about going to my first psychotherapy lesson in a big city? You bet I was. By the end of that course, I could find my way there from various hotels in London with very little thought. So much so that I kept arriving early and got to know the security guards.

Breathe and enjoy the adventure.

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## Coffee

Thanks for your quick replies, guys. I'm gonna take a taxi today and if anyone sees and asks why, I'll just say I got really lost yesterday and had no idea where I was going. First day! Keep your fingers crossed for me that either a) I am a neutral person that no one notices, or b) I make a friend. I'm good with either, lol.

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## pam

Yay! Sounds good so far! :Cape:

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## Coffee

First day is done! It went well so far. The people here are so nice and I made friends with a couple of people. Today was mostly generic skills day so there wasn't a lot of interaction but I SAT WITH PEOPLE AT LUNCH AND I ATE IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE so I could bond with them a little bit. I didn't say I was nervous or anxious or anything, apart from to the guy I was sitting next to who said he was also anxious. Apart from that I've been trying to just be the ' underlying'  me that is without SA, and I was totally drugged on anti anxiety meds so that was far easier than I thought it would be. 

Tomorrow there are 6 class participation assignments so that means a lot of group work... but at least I know the people now, so hopefully it wont be too horrific. I will need to speak more tomorrow but I think that now I've forged some connections, I can kind of ' latch' onto one or two people that I already know and then get them to intro me to their friends and so on. That's my plan anyway.. . do you guys have any idea on how I can introduce myself to someone that I've already seen around but haven't spoken to? Like what could I say to them to start a conversation? BEcause I can't do the whole " Hi, I'm x" etc thing because we already kind of know each others names but haven't interacted. 

So yeah, so far so good. I will prob have more worries once my meds start to wear off though so i'm not celebrating too soon, lol. Will probably also have more q's for you lovely anxiety people too.

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## Koalafan

Glad to hear everything is going okay there coffee!!!  :Celebrate: , hope the rest of the trip goes as good! Koala boogie!  ::

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## Chopin12

youre doing fine. NOT.

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## Equinox

I hope you have a nice time, I've visited Melbourne twice in my life and it's a really nice city!

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## Coffee

Ok now my anti anxiety meds are wearing off and I'm thinking.... what if everyone actually hates me but they're just pretending to like me? Just to be polite or maybe they feel sorry for me or something? What if they actually really don't like me and I'm just fooling myself into thinking they're ok with me? What if I'm coming across as really annoying or something?

I feel like I've just psyched myself out totally. I bet everyone secretly hates me : /

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## Chopin12

i do that a lot. its all in your mind, trust me. if anyone doesnt like you theyre either asexual, unfriendly, jewish, communist, dont like bread very much, inbred,  or named Chopin12

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## Coffee

ugh i hope so. I'm full of dread again for tomorrow, lol. Like almost as bad as I was yesterday. I love my mind and what it does to me.

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## Chopin12

yeah cuz u keep thinking about freud jr. and not ur school work

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## takethebiscuit

> Ok now my anti anxiety meds are wearing off and I'm thinking.... what if everyone actually hates me but they're just pretending to like me? Just to be polite or maybe they feel sorry for me or something? What if they actually really don't like me and I'm just fooling myself into thinking they're ok with me? What if I'm coming across as really annoying or something?
> 
> I feel like I've just psyched myself out totally. I bet everyone secretly hates me : /



You're worried that other people might be pretending to like you and that they might secretly hate you. And I don't want you to accept what I say just because I say it. Take it apart, judge it against your own experience, make it your own and discover the validity of my words that way. You're a good person. People can and do like you for who you are. People don't usually waste energy pretending to like people. There's no point to it. They like you.

You've done amazingly well by the sounds of it so it's natural that all of this may have been a bit outside your comfort zone until now. And that's okay. And it's okay for your mind to think thoughts if it wants to. There's a place for knowing where to tread. You walked a long way down the path and had some great experiences connecting with people. Well done.

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## Coffee

> You're worried that other people might be pretending to like you and that they might secretly hate you. And I don't want you to accept what I say just because I say it. Take it apart, judge it against your own experience, make it your own and discover the validity of my words that way. You're a good person. People can and do like you for who you are. People don't usually waste energy pretending to like people. There's no point to it. They like you.
> 
> You've done amazingly well by the sounds of it so it's natural that all of this may have been a bit outside your comfort zone until now. And that's okay. And it's okay for your mind to think thoughts if it wants to. There's a place for knowing where to tread. You walked a long way down the path and had some great experiences connecting with people. Well done.



Thank you so much. Today is my last day with all the class participation [BEEP] so let's hope this goes well and I don't freak out too much. Thanks again for your reply - it calmed me down a lot.

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## Coffee

I'm DONE!!!!!  ::):  

And I didn't die, and I think that I made a couple of new friends too. 

A big thank you to everyone for your help and seeing me through this. Without you guys I'd be so completely lost and would've freaked out and ended up failing or something. Thank you so much to everyone. 

I'm glad I went through with it and it's done. Maybe this should be moved to 'Inspiration', lol.

Flying back home tomorrow  ::):

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## Koalafan

Congrats coffee!!!  :Celebrate:  Really happy it went well for ya!  :Hug:

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## pam

I'm happy for you!  :sparkles: .....and jealous.

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## L

Well done sweety xxx

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