# Anxiety Disorders > Social Anxiety Disorder >  >  Does anyone else feel as though you miss social cues?

## merc

I kind of realize that I'm probably asking the wrong crowd and should ask a friend, if I had any, ha ha. I'm really shy and when someone I don't expect to talk to me actually attempts to possibly engage me in conversation. I'm not sure if they are seriously attempting to talk to me, because often it's like they have nothing to say? Generally, I am used to being alone and I'm comfortable in that role.

When I really need to ask someone something such as information I may need or vital information to pass on I can do this without a problem. I'm not bad even say with someone I see daily I can generally greet them and have some small talk. 

Today at work I was assigned to work in a different department. There were three people here and we were mostly on our own, one had headphones on and we mostly just worked silently which I was cool with. One of the bosses came by and he said hello so I said good morning and kept right on working as I had nothing else to say. Another co-worker stopped and spoke with this person who I should add usually works in this department. He then went and spoke to the other person who warmly greeted him and blah blah blah. 
I later heard him laughing with another managerial type at how strange I am...He did say Good Morning and I did say Good Morning back, as there was lots of work I kept working. He didn't say 'Stop and flatter my ego by smiling and blah blah blah!"

I must miss something? Like was the "Good Morning" the clue to stop and make chit chat. He's not my regular boss and I may have spoken to him like once in all the previous years I've worked here. You know what I think these knuckle heads because they are the bosses have gotten used to people sucking up to them. I'm actually think that I am better than they are at initiating a conversation. Plus, I worked too many factory jobs where all you did was focus on the work as it was too loud to talk much.

I feel like once again the social world eludes me. I kind of feel mad and depressed. Does anyone else have issues like this? I know that something I did or didn't do was wrong but what? Maybe I should have looked at him longer? Maybe I wasn't loud enough when I said Good Morning! Yet I think I said it loud enough. What the hell do other people want from me? I'm such a hopeless dork and that's not going to change any time soon. :Nerd:

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## SmileyFace

I know what you mean.. I used to find myself in awkward situations where all was said was "Good morning," and I must have made it seem like I didn't want to have a conversation. I learned that it's totally okay to chit chat a bit afterwards. It doesn't have to be a "How are you?" type of thing... but maybe complimenting the person.. or just talk about anything (depends how well you know the person, of course).

Now, I feel awkward when someone doesn't say too much after a "Good morning," especially when it's someone I see fairly regularly or whatever. I almost fell into this situation weeks ago when one of the personal trainers at the gym went up to me and told me he liked my shirt (I wore Lakers basketball apparel). I didn't know what to say for a sec because people rarely comment on my clothes (or anything, for that matter). Since he was an employee and all, I figured I just start asking questions about his Lakers fandom and things went pretty well from there. We chit chat for a bit each week now when he sees me working out on a machine or somewhere, and it's pretty cool.

I guess with most people... a "good morning" would be a cue for a brief conversation, or even something as simple as a "How was your weekend/what did you do this weekend?" Sometimes I'm not even sure with the person though, but I go out of my way and make comments or ask questions anyway, and I have yet come across that situation that went sour. I've noticed people like to be acknowledged in such a way. It's not about stroking their ego or anything. It's just generally... communication, so to speak.

Of course, I have days where my anxiety is through the roof and I suddenly suck so bad at picking up such cues or talking to people in general.

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## Lizard

Welllll....

He didn't need to poke fun, for one thing.

There may have been something visual to indicate he wanted to chat a minute.  Don't know.

Reads like you were nice anyway.

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## enfield

i don't really miss the cues. if anything i could be more sensitive to the cues. where the problem lies with me is with the processing of those cues into actions. the execution side is where i get tripped up. and i always get tripped up. that's why whenever i go out there on a limb socially, whether i'm taking a risk or got pushed into it, the results always seem to leave something to be desired. it might not be total failure but it's never going to be smooth. im actually okay with not being smooth, there's other acceptable possibilities, like being shy or demure. those things can be okay to be perceived as, so if your awkwardness is attributed to that then it's not so bad. it's bad when it unsettles other people or draws attention, it's bad when you get judged rather than sympathized with.

and who is honestly oblivious of the cues? not the aspies. i'm told (and have seen for myself numerous times) that they're aware of them, and in fact they could know more about social cues than the friendly and gets along with everybody types types who, while being good at socializing, can sometimes be playing more by rules and following codes than picking up on cues. it's in the natural processing of those cues where the aspies, unlike the socially adjusted and integrated, hit a wall. and that's where i hit a wall too. the socially anxious also get the cues but suck at responding to them in the appropriate way (or at all if they're immobilized by their anxiety). for us its the anxiety that makes it hard. but also because of the anxiety we never really learned how it's done. neither did the aspies, but not for being anxious. for them it's intrinsic developmental issues. we have developmental issues too but they're extrinsic, caused by our manifestation of anxiety. so even when we're not anxious we're generally not much good at it.

but what kind of cues are we talking about. i'm thinking of the natural ones, like reading peoples emotions, the cues that people express without trying to.  if we're talking about cues that are deliberate, like manners and hints you're supposed to pick up on, things you're supposed to do, implicit and unwritten rules, well each environment has their own set of those, and you just have to put up with them and get the hang of them to succeed in that environment. if you don't like them or respect them or have problems with them, than maybe that environment isn't for you. if no environment seems to be for you than maybe you have a hard time conforming (im okay with conforming as long as i respect what im conforming to).

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## merc

Thank you all for your responses it really helps to know someone listened. I am really having a bad time dealing with people lately.  I have so many of the "self protection" behaviors listed on this chart I once found on a social anxiety sight which I realize help me get through a day. When stressed, I wind up relying on these, and I generally feel safer without too many friends. I forgot to take my meds. that morning. I also got soot all over me and my pants because I picked up a bag of wood pellets to fill the furnace that was covered in it.

I had to work with someone who I think doesn't like me. She is really this friendly chatty sort of person, but she has an edgy side that kind of drives people away. Whereas I who am backward and shy have one or two really good friends. These people will always come sit and talk to me at break time whereas sometimes she is all alone. Why did I notice this, because I always have this weird belief that other people, like her, are way better then me at having friends. It was really a day I wanted to lay low and not attract attention to myself. Why all of a sudden did a manager, one who has been there the entire 4 years I've worked there, all of a sudden want to be chatty?

I also had a few other worries. Rationally, I know it is bad to rely on social survival skills learned in high school by an outcast. I was also very angry at myself for once again "missing something." I'm really going to have to work on my superficially friendly skills maybe it would have went better if I wasn't self conscious of all the black spots on my pants. If I changed I probably would have been late for work. The next day at work did go better. I saw no mangers. We had so much work I barely saw my co-workers even. Yeah! back to normal.

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## TheCARS1979

I feel as if I have

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## Keddy

I definitely miss social cues. I'm pretty socially awkward IRL, not sure how I come across on here.

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## wuxxon

i miss mother

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## QuietCalamity

I feel like my problem is when I'm with friends or just observing other people, I'm very socially aware. But when it comes to people I don't feel comfortable around, my brain goes DANGER. DANGER. THREAT DETECTED. ALL BRAIN CELLS EVACUATE. And then it's like all nuance goes out the window.

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