Need advice

[BrookeAshley]

Hi everyone.

I need to give some background details. Hopefully this isn't too long.

In November of 2016, I found out that my fianc? and I were expected a baby. Everything was going well. Things changed over Easter weekend. I stopped feeling the baby move and on April 18th, I was told our baby had passed at 25 weeks gestation. I went through labor and delivery and our baby girl was born on April 20th. I was crushed and traumatized by the whole experience.

My fiance and me spent the next few weeks grieving together and became stronger than ever. However over the past month, things have changed. My anxiety has gone up because I have lost all faith in things working out and being ok. My baby's death blindsided me. I couldn't go back to normal that I knew. I changed jobs and have tried to make a new normal but its been hard. I'm now afraid I'm going to lose my fianc? on top of it. Lately we've been arguing a lot, and he seems to get so angry over such small things. He snaps and its very hard. The hardest part is he doesn't notice its happening. I keep trying to bring it to his attention but he doesn't see that its a problem. He says that its because I'm pushing him when he doesn't want to talk. But for example, the other night we went over to a friends for a party. It was around 1230am when I started to get very tired. He asked if I wanted to leave but I knew he was enjoying his time and so I said no, it was alright that we could stay. Fast forward to 2am. He asked again if I wanted to go and I told him yes. He then went on to say nevermind, that he wanted to stay a bit longer. I did get frustrated but at this point I was beyond tired and I felt like I respected him enough to stay and give him more time and I was being overlooked. We finally left a half hour later and I mentioned in the car that I felt upset by it. I said it nicely and didn't yell at all but his reaction was very angry. He flipped out. I kept telling him to calm down but he wouldn't. I ended up crying myself to sleep. I asked him the next day if our daughters death was causing him to let out his feelings in anger, cause he doesn't deal with his feelings or talk about them. He told me no, that its not about her and he's just sick of me and how I complain too much. I don't understand what he's talking about. I feel like he's honestly deflecting and everything was about me and how all the arguments are my fault and not one over the past 3 years are his. That I like to fight and everything we argue about is me causing it. I don't deserve this. I feel like I do everything for this man. If his anger isn't about our daughter, then I have no idea where its suddenly come from. I'm not a bad girl by any means and I always treat him with the upmost respect and always put him before myself. I have no idea whats happening. I'm so depressed and anxious. I'm writing this at work just trying to make through my day. But I feel like my heart can't take more pain... he was what I was holding onto to get through this, and now I feel so alone, like he is abandoning me. I don't know what to do.

[Cuchculan]

As you are dealing with things in your way, he might be dealing with the same things in his own way. It is hard to know. Only way to find out would be to sit down and have a heart to heart with him. Both be honest with each other. It is clear you both need to talk. Therapy would be a good idea. But I would suggest couples therapy. Two of you in a room with a third person. A person who can listen and tell you exactly what they are hearing from both of you. Grief is never easy. Is no time limit of how long it takes a person to grieve. People do it in different ways. Little bit of help never hurt anybody.

[InvisibleGuy]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I really am. You need support, from my experience, you can't get through this on your own. I lost a loved one several years ago and I still, five years later, talk to a grief counselor about it. From my experience, what helps you get through this is to talk it out. Holding in feelings through these kinds of things can lead you to some very dark places, you have to talk.

You may want to think about counseling with your bf also. For couples that lose a child....statistics show that divorce rates just skyrocket, they're through the roof. I'm mentioning that so that hopefully you will get counseling for the both of you. You can't get through this on your own. The two of you can't get through this on your own. You need help.

Again I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been through grief counseling. I'm still going through it. Feel free to msg me or whatever if you want to talk.

[Fallen18]

I'm so beyond sorry for what you and your fiance have went though I can't bring myself to imagine what the loss of a child is like.

As for your for your fiance???...it's not my place to say, but I think perhaps you're both grieving in different ways. So though it may be difficult try not to take his misplaced anger as something you're at fault for. Because it's most certainly not your fault, it may be that he's not quiet ready to open up about it yet.

My heart goes out to you both <3

[Conceda]

You know in life, everything happens for a purpose. At least for now know each others attitude and if you have a daughter in that situation she will be affected and it can worsen the situation.

[Otherside]

You know in life, everything happens for a purpose. At least for now know each others attitude and if you have a daughter in that situation she will be affected and it can worsen the situation.

Perhaps you did not mean it, but having suffered a rather shocking bereavement less than a year ago (although not a child) and am still dealing with the affects/shock of what happened, I can assure you, there is not much worse than simply being told "everything happens for a purpose."

There is no great purpose. Her child, a loved one, died and it is something that is incredibly wrong, heartbreaking and lifechanging.

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[Cuchculan]

Perhaps you did not mean it, but having suffered a rather shocking bereavement less than a year ago (although not a child) and am still dealing with the affects/shock of what happened, I can assure you, there is not much worse than simply being told "everything happens for a purpose."

There is no great purpose. Her child, a loved one, died and it is something that is incredibly wrong, heartbreaking and lifechanging.

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Couldn't agree more. What a thing to write up. As if it happened with something else planned down the line. Load of BS.

[InvisibleGuy]

Perhaps you did not mean it, but having suffered a rather shocking bereavement less than a year ago (although not a child) and am still dealing with the affects/shock of what happened, I can assure you, there is not much worse than simply being told "everything happens for a purpose."

There is no great purpose. Her child, a loved one, died and it is something that is incredibly wrong, heartbreaking and lifechanging.

Sent from my D5803 using Tapatalk

I agree, completely. I've had people say "everything happens for a reason" after my girlfriend's suicide. It's always struck me as a very insensitive, even cruel, thoughtless thing to say.

It's much the same as hearing "it will get better with time" from some of those same people. First of all, if you never been through that experience, how do you know? Second, how can you predict how I'm going to feel? How do you know I'll feel better with time? How much time?

Both of those things are said to make the person saying them feel better. Not the one that went through the trauma, not the one suffering.