im afraid

[ryke]

im quite young, 18. I became anxious when i was 16 and i gained control of my life and during my final year of highschool and i was awesome. then i started university. I didnt want to be in a relationship but this really sweet guy came into my life and i fell inlove. I have a void inside me that i cannot fill with self love - well actually i did a really great job last year. This year i was faced with new responsibilities and doing shtuff like being a really adulty adult, so i spent less time managing my mental state and ive deteriorated significantly. Since i moved away I also moved away from my friends, my only friend is my boyfirend and thats not very healthy- in my opinion. in the past I threw myself at guys, I always needed somebody but i grew out of it. I always became anxious in my relationships I feared that that they wouldnt love me and abandon me. Thus I was always afraid because without them I would be 'loveless'. I had sex with them in order to keep them beside me, but i have intense anxiety when it comes to the possibility of acquiring an std or falling pregnant.

I dont want to tell my mom im bad again because she's not very supportive and understanding and i feel as if i annoy people when i talk about my anxiety. So i resided to going to the campus psychologist and waited 3 weeks to start my therapy, but the psychologist i was appointed to was leaving and thus I agreed to go to another psychologist, but she never contacted me to tell me when to come back and i went there and left her a note and still nothing.

I picked up on the warning signs -that indicated that [BEEP] is going wrong- and i went to get help, but i didnt get any help. I was already feeling paralysed and I couldnt get myself out of it. but now im even worse, i cant stop thinking about [BEEP] that isnt worth worrying about. I'm naturally afraid that im annoying my boyfriend and I've grown rude and mean and I've been sad, really sad and I've been crying and small things would upset me and my boyfriend is at the receiving side of it all. he is very supportive but I dont want to be anxious in the first place and from experience I know that anxiety fucks relationships up. But consciously i know everything is absolutely fine and that everything is perfect and the only true danger i face is my behaviour - my anxiety- that could destroy our relationship. I've also been anxious about my health - worrying about the time i had sex when i was 16- and i've been very anxious about my academics because I live in a very highly academic residence, where I have to perform academically to ensure my place. I've thus been getting anxiety attacks, and I cant stop worrying and it's interfering with my studies (its the end of the semester and im at the end of my exams) but I cant function. I went to live for a few days at my best friend's house that lives a while away from where i live, and now i just stare at my books trying to keep myself calm that everything is fine. My friend is currently working so I'm alone in a big farm house , with nobody around, and it's enhancing my loneliness.

I'm trying to fake it till I make it , I have all the tools to handle this but i'm in a very very dark hole right now and im starting my journey of climbing out. I just really have to talk to somebody. Hence the forum

[L]

Hey there,

Firstly welcome to the site Ryke and thank you for sharing your story!
It sounds like things are getting difficult again for you.
It sounds like you have been in a bad place before and got through it. Do you feel like you can get through it again? Do you see another side to how you feel right now? Overall your post reads like you are a positive person who is struggling. It sounds like you are very knowledgeable towards your difficulties and are aware of what is happening. Well done on that as that is major. What has helped you in the past? What has gotten you through the difficult time you faced before? L.xx

[ryke]

Hello nice to meet you

I went to a psychologist and we mainly figured why I became anxious, but the tips and tricks didnt help. I then turned to books and discovered the book "Feel the fear and do it anyway"- by Susan Jeffers. It was my saviour, it viewed being afraid as an educational problem and that through retraining your thinking you can learn to handle it. Thats how I controlled it. I feel if i follow the same steps I will be absolutely fine again

If you mean by another side to what I'm feeling right now... I feel that its a sign that I truly care for this dude - he's awesome - ultimately the thing freaking me out the most is that I'm afraid that my state will chse him away and once again im abandoned and its like a monstrous loop. It's a messed up other side but if you ever need to figure out if you really care for another person. It's very unhealthy.

I'm very worried that I'm becoming worse, that is possibly another side to how I feel? Deep down underneath the surface fears I'm afraid that i could possibly become depressed. That the problem I'm facing. I would rather go to bed and sleep and drink instead of going for a walk or spending time with friends. I also dont feel like studying anymore, and I usually love studying and I ususally submerge myself in work. I'm overthinking my anxiety, I'm probably just feeling very stuck and I'm just aimlessly worrying that my life will be ruined and that I'll become depessed, which I feel I would experience as being harder to get out of.

I have this fear that I unconsciously adopt the persona of one of those humans that fake mental illness because it's a fashion trend?

I believe yhat I have to balance my life, I have to divide my time between mystudies, friends, my romatic relationship, hobbies, passion, exercise and to do something that contributes to the community. I also know I have to push my comfort zones because the fears isnt real even if it feels like it. As long as i push my comfort zones I will grow less afraid

[InvisibleGuy]

Welcome to the site Ryke I hope this site helps you.

It's a lot to try to juggle. I remember being in a serious relationship when I was at university, and going to classes full time, and working full time, and trying to deal with my anxiety. I remember feeling kind of overwhelmed by everything.

I would keep trying to see a therapist, and a psychiatrist maybe, if you're open to the idea of trying anti-anxiety meds, or antidepressants (SSRIs or SNRIs). I only mention the meds because they've helped me tremendously, and they've helped my oldest daughter also. But of course everyone reacts differently, everyone's anxiety is different. Talking to my therapist has also helped me a lot. There are days when I don't want to go. There are days when the last thing on earth I feel like doing is talking, but I just sort of make myself do it. It took me a while to find the right therapist for me, and the right meds for me, but I can't imagine going without either now.

It sounds like this guy really cares for you, and you for him. Anxiety in relationships is really tough, it's a tough thing to try to manage. In my experience, there's always a little anxiety in any relationship (otherwise you wouldn't care). It can be hard to know when it's normal anxiety or when I'm over-reacting, when I need to realize it's just anxiety that's messing with my head. Relationships are difficult enough, imo....they're a lot of work....and throw anxiety into the mix and it's just that much harder. This is one of the reasons why I talk to my therapist, she gives me an outside perspective. Sometimes I need to get another set of eyes on my problems, sometimes I need an unbiased opinion.

Just my two cents. It sounds like you're really trying to work on yourself, and imo, that's half the battle.

[Conceda]

Sex is not a solution of loneliness. gain ore friends ad be part of the some organizations in school. especially in your religious aspect. And for that you gain also so much respect.