I really think I'm going crazy (sorry, long post)

[Freckles]

I've been having a really hard time. Ever since I was 11 I have had strange physical and mental symptoms. For the longest time I put them up to anxiety but the I realized they weren't normal. I went through a good period where I felt almost completely normal from November 2015 to September 2016, when my symptoms came back with a bang. Ever since they have been getting worse and worse, even worse than before the good period and there are new symptoms too. Now I am a wreck. I've been so bad I that I almost can't function. I've stopped doing so many things. Going out is a struggle. I'm even putting off college because of how bad I've been (not that I want to go anyway, I hate school).
Saw a psychiatrist for the 1st time on Friday. This did not put my mind at ease. I told her I was worried about having schizophrenia or being crazy. She said that yes, it could become something more "intense" like that as I get older. I'm so worried about never getting better and being a crazy schizophrenic my whole life. She put me on an antipsychotic called risperidone (How did it come to this?!) which I started taking that same day. So far it hasn't helped at all.
I really feel like I'm going crazy. Today, for example- One of my main symptoms is seeing images in my head of made-up places. These images often have bad, inexplicable feelings to them. Often, every day lately, these images will take over everything and I constantly feel like I'm in them. It is so bad I really feel like wherever I am is different place. Today I watched a TV show and later a music video my friend showed me. The entire rest of the day I felt like I was either in the place the show took place in or the place the music video took place in (can happen with real places too). Later to self-soothe I was looking at some favorite things online. I suddenly felt very scatterbrained. I started thinking no, I should be looking at something else or no, looking at this will make me feel bad. I started questioning why I was looking at what I was looking at (Do I really like this stuff or do I just like the feeling it gives me? Am I just looking at it to recreate a happier time in my life when I used to look at this all the time?). I started not knowing how to feel because I was thinking about how looking at this stuff should make me feel. Then my mind felt really bad in a way I can't explain. I felt like it was fading. I got panicky. Even looking at random stuff gives me a weird feeling and then I get a sharp feeling in my head like pure energy that feels like it's going to explode into something bad happening to me, like a panic attack or something.
Is there anyway to tell if I really am going crazy or if it's just anxiety? Is it true that if you're going crazy you don't know it? If you would be so kind please read my long list of symptoms below. Has anyone else had these symptoms? Please help me, I'm suffering so much! I feel so bad!

[Freckles]

Symptoms

Note: The physical and mental symptoms are related. It is just as much physical as it is mental.

Physical symptoms:

-Feel hot
-Sweaty
-Heat intolerance
-Sometimes feel cold, shivery, sweaty with goosebumps, sometimes go back and forth between feeling like this and feeling very hot
-Feel cold and sweaty
-Headaches
-Dizziness
-Lightheadedness
-Head feels “weird”
-Strange aches in limbs, hands, and feet; don’t feel muscular
-Shaky
-Fast, pounding, or thudding heartbeat
-Heart palpitations
-Restlessness
-Cold hands
-Feel weak
-New symptom: Hear heartbeat in ears
-New symptom: Feel like I have to keep moving my hands or they’ll get paralyzed

Mental symptoms:

-See images in my head of places that don’t really exist. Images can have an inexplicable feeling to them, often a bad feeling. An image/feeling can stick for days and feel like it takes over everything, so that I feel like I am in that nonexistent place. An image or feeling can come from looking at a real place. My brain just adds on to the real place.

-Strange feelings in my mind that I cannot describe, often feel like the feelings that come with the images of places in my head, but without the image. Other things can give me these feelings/images too like songs, pictures, videos etc. Used to be so bad I would get feelings/images from just looking at objects.

-Mind just feels strange and bad

-Cloudy mind, feels like my brain is stuffed with clouds and even my eyes too sometimes

-Cloudy mind + feel like my mind is slipping or fading, forgetful, hard to think, feel disattached from everything like there is a sheen over my mind, reality feels weird, feel like reality/the world/everything could fly apart at any second, thoughts are too loud, obsessed with my own suffering and with wanting to feel better

-Insomnia

-Obsessions, often with people. Obsessions start out as something that makes me very happy, but eventually after 2 years or so they wreak havoc on my mind and cause problems.

-Mind chatter

-Daydreaming/imagining conversations in my head/having conversations in my head. Often causes pounding heart, cold hands, lightheadedness, shaking.

-Repeating conversations in my head

-Bursts of adrenaline through my chest, especially when I think about certain things or things that excite me. Causes shaking, cold hands, fast/pounding heartbeat.

-Weird energy that feels manic and impulsive

-Weird intense excited feeling that makes my heart pound and makes me feel hot and makes my hands cold. Comes from thinking about random things or things that should excite me in a good way. (For example, once I had started making some clothes and thought about showing my mom when she got home which made me feel like I was having a heart attack.)

-Extreme anger for no reason, violent outbursts (include clenching jaw, yelling, kicking/hitting/punching things, occasionally screaming, etc.); tantrum over little things

-Manic urge to smile or laugh over something that is funny but shouldn’t be that funny. Example: Once almost burst out laughing over the word “femur”. Sometimes when I get like this I will laugh and I won’t be able to stop but it feels bad and makes me lightheaded.

-Manic urge to be funny, witty, or very lively, almost like I’m high. Sometimes does not feel good. Gives me adrenaline bursts mentioned above.

-Weird mind chatter when I’m half asleep that I can’t control. Makes no sense. Feels like I’m already dreaming even though I’m not really asleep yet.

-Sudden, sharp, climatic feeling in my head (feels like pure, concentrated energy) that feels like it’s going to explode into something very bad, like maybe my mind snapping or having a breakdown or something bad happening to me physically. However, has never gotten to that point because I fight it hard, but if I were to let it continue I think something very bad like that would happen. Scariest feeling ever. Symptom began in November 2016.

-Mind feels dark, messed up, muddled

-Sick feeling in my mind I describe as mindsickness. Feels like my mind is sick or rotting. Mindsickness can come from certain things, often comes from my obsessions but is temporary.

-Feeling ungrounded, almost like I am in a different place. Often happens when the images of places in my head take over.

-Fear that I will suddenly be transported somewhere else; thoughts that maybe I actually am somewhere else but am seeing something different; “What if this isn’t real right now?”

-Imagining things happening and then scaring myself into thinking I hallucinated; thinking “Was this reality or fantasy?”

-Always pretending/imagining (to be someone else, that I am in a fantasy setting, etc.)

-New symptom: For the shortest amount of time ever, like not even a second, I think I am someone else or that other people are someone else

-Feel like there’s nothing to do; bored but don’t want to/can’t do anything. Once I start doing something I can’t stick with it because I think I should be doing something else and it doesn’t interest me. Hard to explain.

-Everything feels messed up

-Too many thoughts and feelings

-Scatterbrained to the point of not being able to think straight

[Cuchculan]

I've been having a really hard time. Ever since I was 11 I have had strange physical and mental symptoms. For the longest time I put them up to anxiety but the I realized they weren't normal. I went through a good period where I felt almost completely normal from November 2015 to September 2016, when my symptoms came back with a bang. Ever since they have been getting worse and worse, even worse than before the good period and there are new symptoms too. Now I am a wreck. I've been so bad I that I almost can't function. I've stopped doing so many things. Going out is a struggle. I'm even putting off college because of how bad I've been (not that I want to go anyway, I hate school).
Saw a psychiatrist for the 1st time on Friday. This did not put my mind at ease. I told her I was worried about having schizophrenia or being crazy. She said that yes, it could become something more "intense" like that as I get older. I'm so worried about never getting better and being a crazy schizophrenic my whole life. She put me on an antipsychotic called risperidone (How did it come to this?!) which I started taking that same day. So far it hasn't helped at all.
I really feel like I'm going crazy. Today, for example- One of my main symptoms is seeing images in my head of made-up places. These images often have bad, inexplicable feelings to them. Often, every day lately, these images will take over everything and I constantly feel like I'm in them. It is so bad I really feel like wherever I am is different place. Today I watched a TV show and later a music video my friend showed me. The entire rest of the day I felt like I was either in the place the show took place in or the place the music video took place in (can happen with real places too). Later to self-soothe I was looking at some favorite things online. I suddenly felt very scatterbrained. I started thinking no, I should be looking at something else or no, looking at this will make me feel bad. I started questioning why I was looking at what I was looking at (Do I really like this stuff or do I just like the feeling it gives me? Am I just looking at it to recreate a happier time in my life when I used to look at this all the time?). I started not knowing how to feel because I was thinking about how looking at this stuff should make me feel. Then my mind felt really bad in a way I can't explain. I felt like it was fading. I got panicky. Even looking at random stuff gives me a weird feeling and then I get a sharp feeling in my head like pure energy that feels like it's going to explode into something bad happening to me, like a panic attack or something.
Is there anyway to tell if I really am going crazy or if it's just anxiety? Is it true that if you're going crazy you don't know it? If you would be so kind please read my long list of symptoms below. Has anyone else had these symptoms? Please help me, I'm suffering so much! I feel so bad!

You know the mind is a powerful place my friend. There are times I might have watched a documentary on you tube. That might stay with me for hours after it. Even when I go to bed it will become part of my dream. Does that mean I am going crazy? Far from it. Simply means the mind has taken in something new. Something that has made an impression on it. If we look at music. Somebody sings part of a song. What happens next? You can't get that bloody song out of your head. It is stuck there. That has happened to us all. This is something similar in my opinion. I know you have an active imagination. I know you like to write and create. So you see something new and you imagine yourself in that place. It is in your head. Just like the lyrics of a song. Stuck there. It will change when you see something new. That something new will take over. You are a curious person. This is your mind wondering what it would be like to be in the place you saw on TV or in a music video. Again it is something most of us have done at some point in time. Saw a film and wondered what it would be like to be in that film.

A psychiatrist looks for us to give them answers. Should be the other way around. You told her how you felt. She should have challenged you on that. She did not. She simply accepted it. That to me is wrong. Especially if it was your first time ever there. She should not be basing your condition on one thing you say to her. As a rule it takes a few visits. A lot of talking. Then they might arrive at an answer. I would question if you told her about your creative side? Your love of writing stories? This would have shown her that you mind loves to create. That could answer a lot of what I think you are simply doing. Creating and putting yourself in that situation. That wondering why you done it. Not feeling good about it. Each time it happens you feel bad about it. As if it shouldn't happen. Who creates the rules about such things? People day dream a lot. There is nothing wrong with that. They are not classed as having some condition just because they do that. It takes them away from the place they are for however long they want to day dream. Could be an hour or it could be two hours.

If anybody is familiar with your symptoms it would be myself from our time on AZ. Physical symptoms all seem normal with for a person with an anxiety disorder. Heartbeat in ears is even very common. Even the pulse in the ears. Have had that many times. Moving your hands is something new. I doubt for one second you will get paralyzed. Just another irrational fear. I remember those dizzy days. Nothing bad ever came of them. Nothing as bad as you imagined at the time.

I just think it is normal anxiety with an overactive imagination. But that is just my opinion. From what I know about you. You might imagine it is something far worse. Most people do. That is how the mind works. Takes something and makes it into something much worse. Something we have all done at one point or time. Be interested to see how it develops from here. Keep us posted.

[Conceda]

Having anxiety is a lifetime problem but there is a way to ease the burden. Try to go for a yoga class or join religious organization. It is the best outlet. Good luck!

[Freckles]

I did not tell her about my creative side. I could see some of these coming from an extremely overactive imagination.
But what about getting weird feelings from random things? I thought I put this in my post but I guess I didn't. I'll look at random thing like a person, or at a purse in a shop like the other day, or an ad in a magazine and it'll give me a weird inexplicable feeling. Sometimes it'll bring on that sharp, climatic feeling in my head that feels like it's going to explode into something bad (I described it in the list). Often it feels like that but milder. It's like my mind zeroes in on the very essence of the thing and it makes me feel weird. It happens with random, normal things. Today it happened with a song. Why do I get weird feelings from random things? Does that ever happen to you?

Also another example. Today I was trying to think of things to do to make myself happy. I decided to make some fun pencil toppers for my little cousin, who has just gone back to school, and send them to him with a little note, like I did when he started preschool (only that time I had made a little backpack). However, I didn't get to start this because I started to get a bad feeling from it. I don't know how to explain it. I got all panicky and got physical anxiety symptoms.

Also, my mind just feels messed up and wrong in a way I can't explain. I feel like it's slipping or dying. I wish I could explain it but I can't. I don't think I could ever make anyone understand it. I feel like I'm going crazy.

[Cuchculan]

Hyper Sensitive mind. Thus leading to a mental overload. In other word, in my opinion, you are taken too much in. Overloading the mind. Things most people would even fail to see. Then your mind is wondering why you are doing this. It is simply trying to make sense of it all. It thinks it must be a bad thing. Not normal. Thus you have feelings of dread and fear connected to it. The last time you went to make something for your cousin he was only starting school. Now he is older. Could that also be frightening you? The fact that people age. Again the mind is taken all of this in. So much to try and process all at once. You are not dying. I simply think you are trying to make sense of everything around you. Only you are taken in far too much. Things I would not even notice. You mind is noticing all these things. Bit like trying to make sense of life. Can we do that? I doubt. How did we end up here the way we are? What is it about everything around us that is making us who we are? Maybe it is simply the mind taken life in and trying to answer all these questions. Only it can't. So you get your feelings of dread and panic. There are a few music videos out there with people strapped into chairs in from of many TV screens. Their minds been forced to take every image in. Imagine that was you. Only you are doing it with normal random things in life. It would frighten anybody. This is just my take on things. You might have other views.

[Freckles]

You know what? I think you may have got it in the nose in saying that I'm taking too much in. Immediately when I walk into a room I'll start sizing up my surroundings thinking "Does it have an image to it today? How does it feel?" This is a weird way to put it but at times when I feel somewhat better I feel like I am sucking my mind in instead of letting it all hang out.
I really do not like the thought of my cousin getting older. I do not want him to grow up and I miss the close relationship we had when he was very small. I miss the old days when we used to play out Hobbit game all the time. I'm fact, the time when we were closest was during my good time when I felt almost normal. I think I got freaked out yesterday thinking "Am I just trying to recreate that good time? Do I really want to do this or do I just want to recreate that feeling?" Doing something I would've done then now freaked me out, like 2 different times where existing at once. And then the whole missing-when-my-cousin-was-little thing is a big problem in itself too. One of the obsessions I described in the list. It makes me feel weird just to see him.
But I think you are right. Maybe this is all a mental overload. Do you think it will stop soon? It's been a couple months now but so far this is the worst.

[Cuchculan]

I think it will stop once you know what it is. Up to now you have been trying to figure it all out. Your mind has been trying to solve the mystery. But you added a few extras parts in about your cousin that make sense. We like to think back to the last time we felt good. Last time we had no anxiety issues. That is very common. How we would all like to be there again. Once you begin to make sense of it all you might stop yourself in your tracks. Like putting the breaks on. Knowing what you are doing. Thus stopping the problem. How long did the dizzy issue last? That went on for some time. Came to nothing come the end of the day. This will be similar. Only what can happen, is we find something else to trouble us. Replace one with the other. Try and not let that happen. I began anxiety life with simple panic attacks. I don't even worry about panic attacks these days. Something else came along. Bigger. Pushed its way in and took over from the panic attacks as my main issue. So beware of that happening. You will get there. You always do.