Self Esteem

[BrookeAshley]

So i'm really trying to be more confident but the more I think about my anxiety and relationship anxiety, the more I realize my self esteem is awful. I try to appreciate my looks and my own uniqueness but its hard cause I'm constantly comparing myself to others on fb or Instagram or just in everyday life. I think they are better than me, prettier than me, better body than me and all around worth more than I am. I'm not sure where this comes from... and I'm not sure why I have such horrible self esteem. I don't really know how to make it better or to just flip the switch that'll make me confident.

I know if I felt confident, it would help my anxiety tremendously. I want to feel better about myself. I'm just not sure where to start. When I talk to people, they say they don't understand it, and I'm pretty and all that but that doesn't help me. Not if I don't feel it within myself.

So my question is, if you've felt badly about yourself and found confidence, what was it that you did to get yourself to a better place?

[jpennell1008]

So i'm really trying to be more confident but the more I think about my anxiety and relationship anxiety, the more I realize my self esteem is awful. I try to appreciate my looks and my own uniqueness but its hard cause I'm constantly comparing myself to others on fb or Instagram or just in everyday life. I think they are better than me, prettier than me, better body than me and all around worth more than I am. I'm not sure where this comes from... and I'm not sure why I have such horrible self esteem. I don't really know how to make it better or to just flip the switch that'll make me confident.

I know if I felt confident, it would help my anxiety tremendously. I want to feel better about myself. I'm just not sure where to start. When I talk to people, they say they don't understand it, and I'm pretty and all that but that doesn't help me. Not if I don't feel it within myself.

So my question is, if you've felt badly about yourself and found confidence, what was it that you did to get yourself to a better place?

I've wondered this very thing myself... earlier today in fact. I've always had little to no self confidence and nowadays I wonder how different my life would be had I grown up with more confidence. Would I have a better job? Would i have more friends? What would it feel like to be around people who legitimately wanted me around? I want to know what it feels like to just be comfortable in my own skin. I see the pictures on fb and Instagram too, ppl having fun, enjoying themselves and they often seem like better people because of their appearance and how much better their life appears to be.

For me personally, most advice never really helped. But what I have found that works for me are the smallest of things. Great music in the mornings. Good coffee. A good workout(usually very early when no one is at the gym). When my day is off to a good start, it makes it easier to leave the house and actually be around others.

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[L]

For me I like to think of myself as unique... although I am not as unique as I would like to think I am
I think when I was in college I kind of hit an all time low were I just thought [BEEP] it, I'll be me.
Now I am not a confident person and I find it hard to do a lot of things.

I don't think if I looked prettier I would be more confident. I do think it is something that needs to be worked on. As children we lean on our parents to help us with it, our friends, partners etc... and I think we need to realise we are responsible for our self esteem too.

I went to a mindfulness class recently (followed by my therapist repeating the same thing). We need to look at how we talk to ourselves. There are times we talk so badly to ourselves that if someone else spoke to us like that they would be arrested.

[Cuchculan]

I need not say anything on how I think you look. I have said enough on that matter already. Love to know who you judge yourself against? They must be super models or something. But everybody thinks in a different way. You see yourself in one way. I see you in another way. The only view that counts in your mind is your own view. But could you list a few things you imagine is wrong with how you look? I am no super stud. Far from it. That has never bothered me at all. I am an ordinary man. Us ordinary people make up life. There is no law that says we have to look or act a certain way. Fact is that in life most of us, if we end up with anybody in life, will end up with just another ordinary person. Because that is what is out there in reality. Not a lot of models knocking around the roads these days looking for a poor white Irish guy.

[BrookeAshley]

I think the one thing that really bothers me is my facial profile. My nose appears too long so I hate how I look from the side. And the worst is my body. I feel like I could lose weight. And the one thing I can't change is I do have stretch marks on my tummy from child birth, and that makes me feel really bad about myself and makes me feel much less attractive.

[Cuchculan]

Sound like an ordinary person to me. Like 99% of the people who make up life. There is no such thing as the perfect person. Might see a stunner who might be a right [BEEP] to be around. Then you have the ordinary person who is nice to talk to and makes you laugh. I would pick the ordinary person any day of the week. Stretch marks are natural after birth. So is a bit of weight gain. But you don't look too heavy. Far from it. You look normal to me.

[BrookeAshley]

I guess I feel like if I'm not perfect, I'm not good enough and if I'm not good enough, I'm not worth loving

[Cuchculan]

First person that has to love you is yourself. That is what you should work on. Some self loving affirmations. They can be found all over the net. Type in self loving affirmations and watch the magic begin. May mean making sticky notes and sticking them all around your house. When you walk by them, you say them out loud. All about changing the mindset. It can be done. Like everything else it just takes a bit of work.

[Chantellabella]

but its hard cause I'm constantly comparing myself to others on fb or Instagram or just in everyday life. I think they are better than me, prettier than me, better body than me and all around worth more than I am.

This is where it starts. I work with a ton of younger people who grew up on social media. They were trained to believe that their worth is wrapped up in how many likes they get.

Before social media, you only heard from people you knew directly. Those who commented rudely about people were just trying to hurt them. True friends would only mention something to help you. Family was often cruel. But the opinions of strangers was almost unheard of.

But now, anyone can comment or offer an opinion and younger people are trained to give those opinions worth.

I'm going to be 60 this month. I look and act in my early 40's. Why? Because I don't give a damn what others think about me. My bad hair days are their problem and not mine because they have to look at it.....I don't.

Once I started looking within for my worth and never from outside of myself, I found happiness. My grandmother had a saying, "People have two things.......and opinion and an asshole, and [BEEP] comes out of both." You will never be who they want you to be at all times because humanity in general is fucked up.

Therefore, as long as you look outside yourself and rate yourself on other people's opinions, you will never be good enough.

So be good enough for you. That's all you have control over. Let humanity have their opinions of who you should be, then smile at them, and say, "Fuck you, I like me."

[InvisibleGuy]

I agree with what's been said so far. I think everyone has things about them they're self-conscious about and wish they could change...both physically and otherwise. I mean, unless they're some arrogant ***hole that thinks they're perfect and god's gift to humanity, everyone has flaws and no one is perfect. I most definitely do. I have a long list of things I wish I could change.

I went through a pretty dramatic change about the time my oldest daughter was born. Everything, and I mean everything, changed when she was born. There is what me and family and friends refer to as LBK and LAK....life before kids and life after kids. Two completely separate lives, separate worlds. After she was born I pretty much stopped caring so much about what other people thought. I mean, I still care, I still care about my appearance lol and friendships are still important to me, but I stopped giving a fuq so much about every little thing. It just didn't and doesn't matter much anymore. I'm wrapped up in taking care of and nurturing relationships with my kids, that's the most important thing in the world to me, that's everything.

So, if me not being perfect means I'm not good enough to have a friendship or a relationship with someone then go fuq off. I'm dead serious. I'll find someone who accepts me, with my flaws. And someone who realizes they have flaws, too, and there is no such thing as perfect. The single most important relationships I will ever have on this earth are going to be with my children. Period. Everything else comes second, anyway.