I feel as I?m the only person I know does these things rather in past or now
Are these things more ?normal? then I think?
I?ve always done things in situations to self soothe or during anxious over stimulating situations
One is the fact I pick at my head non stop to some it sounds weird I refuse to get haircuts my hair highlighted anything because of the marks I leave all over my head
The swallowing over and over again I never understood this I just know I?ve done it since daycare and stopped as my sister would punch me over it I can sit there for 30 minutes swallowing until my mouth is dry and I?m choking recently happened at my friends sitting on her couch I was so anxious I ended up making my throat hurt by swallowing so much and I was coughing her mom thought it was the dogs the smoke I couldn?t explain to her I tried telling my friend as she is on the spectrum but even she did not understand they offered me a water I just felt so bad her mother thought it was the animals and the fathers smoking
Then twirling and pulling my hair is one after the swallowing aspect I moved on to this one but then my sister did not like this in result I would get punched it was a distraction in school kids would stare so I stopped
Then it was tapping my pencils shaking my leg none stop
Then it went to rocking back and fourth I still do this from time to time for example a few friends of mine surprised me by coming to visit I just sat there rocking for 10 or so minutes
Or when a friend who is further I got to see for the first time in about a year I broke down crying and rocking
The major one now is the head picking I bleed it burns to wash my hair I had a girl at 14 play with my hair and she thought I had lice well braiding my hair I remember in my girls home they pulled me into the bathroom with the nurse to check my hair I told them no I don?t have bugs I just pick and can?t stop when I?m extremely tired I will just start scratching and like digging into the skin I?m thankful it?s only the head or other areas with scabs as I can?t keep scabs on my body
But it?s always just my legs scalp arms
Because of this I am still to this date getting comments directed at me like oh why are you rocking or doesn?t that hurt your head or jokes about how I?m special which I know it?s not normal to do this but does that really make me special?
I don?t know why I do these just that they calm me down make me feel safe
I was given a fidget cube which I noticed they do help but it was a gift so I have a hard time playing with it or using it especially as it?s one of a kind to me it has a Facebook symbol on it and it?s more of a gift in my eyes if I can?t replace I don?t want to ruin it so I do carry it with me everywhere but it just hasn?t served the purpose of it I feel if I use it I?m putting stress on it that can break it
I just wish I could stop these I have no idea If there is anyway to stop them I really need to as they are or some are taking over some of my daily activity?s sometimes I am unaware I?m doing them in certain situations which made people mad which isn?t my intention at all none of these are they just always were apart of me since a very young child
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