I can still remember the way you looked at me before you gave me a kiss and told me to be strong you walked the doctor outside of the room and you left and never came back I was 14 and I needed you more then you would ever know the adult I am now fears abandonment because you made me think I deserved to be walked out on I deserved the things that happen to me you mislead me and made me feel loved cared about and I finally had a home something I had longed for so many years you even were planning on adopting me until you took me in thinking I was going to be the daughter you never had but I was more I was emotionally scarred scared angry at the world and I needed structure mental health treatment and love something you never would be able to provide as a adult I realized because I was lost and scared I made you out as some awesome human for rescuing me and or helping me in one of my most vulnerable moments I still remember texting you asking if I could stay because my mother was going to the hospital again and I had nobody else because of you I spent 4 long years alone and angry in the foster system I remember the dreams that happened for 2 years after you left with you and your son and myself these were only part of the PTSD you made me hate everybody including myself did you ever know for months I would have 3 hour screaming fits just begging to see my mom or trying to understand as a 14 year old what I did that was so bad for you to up and leave I?m sorry you had a CPS case open because of the letter I wrote to the courts I?m sorry my mind is so blocked that I can?t remember what I put what about the awesome painting portrait of your son in art class I made you stuck it in your closet did he ever see it I shouldn?t have to avoid you every time I see you and my heart shouldn?t start racing every time you refer me to your ?daughter? you lost that title when you walked out I will never be your daughter the one thing I will however say is I know I?m not trash I know I?m worth more then you ever thought I was I was a 14 your old child/teen you were a 32 year old women you knew the responsibility that comes with a emotionally damaged child you made things worse with every argument that would slowly become a weekly habit the times you couldn?t deal with my outburst so I was forced to write lines after lines about learning to control myself to do better in school to treat people better to not swear as Much because you thought parenting was better then loving me what about all the sick things you did such as manipulating my workers playing the system making it look like it was just ?me? the next time I see you I?m glad you won?t call me daughter because I am 23 and will not allow a women who did so much damage to me have that title you will never be the ?mother? I always wanted I will not associate with you and I will kindly tell you to leave me alone remember you taught me to ?kill them with kindness? well I understand now that I?m 10 years older that I don?t have to scream at you I don?t have to throw a pillow or a remote to make my point across I have a voice that is Fully capable of speaking up all that baggage of PTSD I carry around the people I pushed away because I was two guy that I couldn?t get close to nobody is incorrect I have some amazing friends and they know who they are I have amazing family support and I know that I?m in control of my own emotions I will no longer be that scared little girl in a adult body trying to understand why things happened to me everything happens for a reason and quite frankly I?m sorry you missed out on the wonderful things I can bring joy happiness laughter strong willed etc
You were sick in the head thinking it?s okay to abandon a child in a hospital because only a very unhappy sick person would do that and it all makes sense now I know you had your own ?mental illness? even when I lived there with you one thing you also taught me was mental illness isn?t a excuse to act in a ill manner and that is exactly what you did when you played with my head.
One day I will get proper closure from you and it will mean the most to me
I?m no longer that 14 year old girl
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