A year ago I realized I was always going to be a pathetic, emotional, spineless, clingy unwanted doormat that also hid my true self and I hated everything about myself, so I spent a year changing my personality. But with anxiety it didn't work out so well. I still have some of these traits.
Now I have a different personality but im still dissatisfied, like its not really who I want to be. I thought if I changed I'd feel better about myself and the good things in life would start coming my way. My confidence is awful and I don't believe in my abilities at all. Nothing has changed in my life. I still scare off people, and as a result am still lonely even with a gf when she's ok if I might be gay.
When I was a kid it was not ok to dress a certain way as a man. To like certain shows. To have different sexual identities. I feel like if I had a proper, strong sense of self I'd handle upsets (like rejections) a lot better, because I'd be 100% comfortable with who I am. People don't respect men who aren't strong and masculine. I don't really feel like I respect myself either, even though I do like myself when I'm more feminine but not trans. I don't know what to do because my sense of identity is so messed up.