I'm supposed to name 5 things I like about myself and my life a day, but it's nearly impossible. These are the negatives. These are my struggles with my disorder.
-I hate everything about my physical appearance. There is nothing beautiful about me, even the ones I like are so flawed. People say I have a beautiful smile but I have crooked teeth. I look at other girls and think why did they get everything and I got nothing? Acne, lots of hair, fat, scars, big nose...
-I'm constantly comparing myself to others, even to the extent of fantasizing being them. Is this normal in ap? Instead of being jealous, sometimes I imagine being her, she is so perfect and has a great life, and I imagine what it is like, and I strangly feel happy for her/him...
-I fantasize daily about a different me, a normal me, a normal life, a perfect life. Popularity, being talented.
-I have no talent. My parents were too poor and I was too shy to be in any sort of activity. Anything I think I might be good at, like painting, I see someone else who is much better and I give up.
-I have no real friends. I have no friends. I'm 21 and I see other girls out having the time of their lives and I'm inside all the time, doing nothing. I want friends, but they don't want me. I'm too weird. I like the same things they do, movies, walks, drinks, but no one ever invites me. And when they do, I'm too scared to go? Then they don't pursue my friendship anymore.
-I'm socially awkward. I chew my nails, noticably nervous, stumble on my words. Only people who I feel are not superior to me, I can have some kind of conversation.
-Everyone thinks I'm a joke. My life is a joke.
-Im super dependant on my boyfriend, he is the only person who hasn't rejected me or judged me knowing how messed up I am. I put alot of pressure on him and can be super needy for compliments and attention.
-I can't keep a job because of my lack of social skills. I can't even hand out resumes. If I do, I get the worst anxiety going to an interview.
-I cry. Alot. I feel bad for myself. I want others to feel bad for me. I want understanding. I can't ever seem to find it...
-Around people I know I'm super talkitive and even known to be funny!?
-Although extremely shy, I appear to be happy and smiley. I smile alot. I'm super friendly and polite. Its a mask, people don't seem to understand that just because I appear a certain way, doesn't mean I feel that way inside.
-I imagine suicide. I see myself never getting better, always struggling to get through the day, week, I will always live a life of lonliness, saddness, failure, underachieveing, unattractiveness, rejection, etc.
-I take everything to heart. My parents and boyfriend tease me and say they have to talk to me in rainbows and sunshine. It's true. I can take things the wrong and worse way. And I never forget that critisism or harsh words...
- I like to look beautiful and spend alot of time and effort to make myself look good but hate to be the center of attention. I hate to have eyes on me. Weird?
- I suffer from the worst self esteem, self identity, self worth, self image, it is extremely painful.
- I feel like I have noone in the world, my parents don't support me because they think I being dramatic. My boyfriend is ******* mr. perfect who doesn't know what its like to deal with ****, and although he can be a good listener, he just can't understand. He is not good with empathy. He doesn't know how to handle my fits, when I bawl my eyes out, he doesn't know what to do and just ignores it when I need somebody to hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. My councillers arn't even fit to deal with my amount of depression.
-The only thing that makes it go away for a while is percocet. But I won't be able to take them soon due to my antidepressants i'll be taking......it scares me, I feel like Im going to b losing my only way of coping, my only friend, my only happiness, my only entertainmnt on a friday night when Im inside alone....
-Everything is grey and foggy. I feel empty. I don't know how to deal. I hope this medication and extensive therapy I will beginning soon helps.
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