How are you feeling?

[Inscrutable Banana]

Yeah I get the joke and why he said it. I also get that the punch line infers that I don't have any other qualities that attract people. Or value beyond that. Mostly I'm upset that he couldn't name anything good about me other than "smart" and "pretty" when pressed.

So I guess I better not ever get fat(ter). Apparently not being ugly (ATM) is my best quality. >_>

I understand the compulsion to assume the worst and focus on the negative because I do that myself, but I'm sure it's not the case that he can't think of anything other than you being "smart" or "pretty." Personally, I have a really hard time describing to people exactly why I like them and when people expect me to do so it makes me extremely uncomfortable and I feel it's a bit unfair; someone's inability to articulate what they like about you beyond what you may feel are "generic" reasons (smart, funny, kind, pretty, etc.) does not mean there is nothing else to like. I'd say this is more indicative of how you feel about yourself rather than how he feels about you — it's unwise to do his thinking for him by making such assumptions.

Keep this in mind as well: the fact that he recognized that his joke fell flat and made you feel uncomfortable and subsequently apologized is not insignificant.

[Skippy]

Yeah I get the joke and why he said it. I also get that the punch line infers that I don't have any other qualities that attract people. Or value beyond that. Mostly I'm upset that he couldn't name anything good about me other than "smart" and "pretty" when pressed.

So I guess I better not ever get fat(ter). Apparently not being ugly (ATM) is my best quality. >_>

I dun see why someone would just try to infer that kinda thing.... who would even need to care what they said unless perhaps being really insecure or maybe expecting something specific, but what if "A joke is just a joke" and that perhaps people with anxiety tend to look at any possible negative aspect of it. I really doubt someone would say to you or even infer "You don't have any other qualities."
That would assume the person isn't worth your time anyway if they were that mean.

[GunnyHighway]

Cold...but drunk!

[QuietCalamity]

I understand the compulsion to assume the worst and focus on the negative because I do that myself, but I'm sure it's not the case that he can't think of anything other than you being "smart" or "pretty." Personally, I have a really hard time describing to people exactly why I like them and when people expect me to do so it makes me extremely uncomfortable and I feel it's a bit unfair; someone's inability to articulate what they like about you beyond what you may feel are "generic" reasons (smart, funny, kind, pretty, etc.) does not mean there is nothing else to like. I'd say this is more indicative of how you feel about yourself rather than how he feels about you — it's unwise to do his thinking for him by making such assumptions.

Keep this in mind as well: the fact that he recognized that his joke fell flat and made you feel uncomfortable and subsequently apologized is not insignificant.

Here's the context though: we have been together for 7 years. He knows me better than anyone. He knows that my Love Language is words of affirmation. He knows how insecure I am about my weight and that I struggle with self-worth. He knows my mom implied the same thing all the time growing up - that I'm only worth anything as long as I'm thin and pretty. He dropped the ball here. I'm over it; I just thought I'd explain. I'm not a crazy person.

I dun see why someone would just try to infer that kinda thing.... who would even need to care what they said unless perhaps being really insecure or maybe expecting something specific, but what if "A joke is just a joke" and that perhaps people with anxiety tend to look at any possible negative aspect of it. I really doubt someone would say to you or even infer "You don't have any other qualities."
That would assume the person isn't worth your time anyway if they were that mean.

I don't know why people rush to defend jokes like they are something sacred. Jokes have meanings and consequences just like any other string of words you can say to someone. And just because he didn't mean it that way doesn't mean I'm not allowed to have hurt feelings. This isn't some random dude. I have been with him for 7 years.

[Skippy]

I don't know why people rush to defend jokes like they are something sacred. Jokes have meanings and consequences just like any other string of words you can say to someone. And just because he didn't mean it that way doesn't mean I'm not allowed to have hurt feelings. This isn't some random dude. I have been with him for 7 years.

Well that's exactly why someone wouldn't just suddenly one day insinuate hurtful things. I dunno... I don't get a lot of this stuff. I do see a problem in all this lack of self worth people seem to have, which is why one would get hurt by such words. I'm not sure where it comes from....why would someone hate themself?? Has society gotten to a point where their expectations on people are so big they have to feel like they're living to other's expectations of how they and their life should be?

[QuietCalamity]

Well that's exactly why someone wouldn't just suddenly one day insinuate hurtful things. I dunno... I don't get a lot of this stuff. I do see a problem in all this lack of self worth people seem to have, which is why one would get hurt by such words. I'm not sure where it comes from....why would someone hate themself?? Has society gotten to a point where their expectations on people are so big they have to feel like they're living to other's expectations of how they and their life should be?

Did you read my reply to Banana that was in the same post? I could talk to you all day why myself (and women in general, due to socialization) feel this way.

[Skippy]

.

[IllusionOfHappiness]

Did you read my reply to Banana that was in the same post? I could talk to you all day why myself (and women in general, due to socialization) feel this way.

I feel ya sister! I don't know if I've ever met a woman who is completely satisfied with the way she looks or her self worth. Seems to be virtually impossible. Hang in there.

[QuietCalamity]

Yeah I did, but I still dun really get it. Maybe I'm a little slow today I'm still recovering from brain injury. I feel very outta it atm, which I guess is my own post today in this thread. But yeah if people think you need to be thin and pretty to have any worth then they're a prime example of what's wrong with this species n' we should strive to seperate ourselves from their way of thinking. Those that DON'T think such are part of what's truly better in this world.
I'm sorry your mother talked down to you like that. It enforces such thinking on someone and is pretty disgusting behavior in itself.

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling. It gets frustrating for me, but I understand why you and others wouldn't see it. It's just like the air we breathe - this idea that women should be thin and pretty to have value is so everywhere that it's almost invisible.

I feel ya sister! I don't know if I've ever met a woman who is completely satisfied with the way she looks or her self worth. Seems to be virtually impossible. Hang in there.

Thank you.

[Otherside]

Like crap. Tired. Exhausted.

[IllusionOfHappiness]

Hopeless

[GunnyHighway]

Hopeless

I'm bloody well exhausted again, damn overtime. I was technically the surpervisor today and had to make a lot of executive decisions that might get me in deep [BEEP] tomorrow.

[Inscrutable Banana]

Here's the context though: we have been together for 7 years. He knows me better than anyone. He knows that my Love Language is words of affirmation. He knows how insecure I am about my weight and that I struggle with self-worth. He knows my mom implied the same thing all the time growing up - that I'm only worth anything as long as I'm thin and pretty. He dropped the ball here. I'm over it; I just thought I'd explain. I'm not a crazy person.

I don't know why people rush to defend jokes like they are something sacred. Jokes have meanings and consequences just like any other string of words you can say to someone. And just because he didn't mean it that way doesn't mean I'm not allowed to have hurt feelings. This isn't some random dude. I have been with him for 7 years.

Did you read my reply to Banana that was in the same post? I could talk to you all day why myself (and women in general, due to socialization) feel this way.

It wasn't my intent to imply anything negative about you as an individual, and I wasn't defending the joke itself so much as I was considering the circumstances surrounding it — I like to try to remain objective. When something triggers a strong negative emotional response like that people rarely look at things from both sides and narrowly (not to be confused with selfishly, because one should pay mind to their own emotions) focus on the initial resurgence of negative thoughts and feelings and come to conclusions based on that rather than looking at the bigger picture. Your feelings are as valid as anyone else's, so of course you're allowed to feel hurt (especially considering your history with the matter), but in the same vein is he not allowed to make mistakes? He opened his mouth and something dumb came out, and from what you wrote it seemed like insecurity you feel from your past experiences is causing you to find more meaning than there actually is in something that was simply a lapse in judgment in regards to his choice of humor. This is a man who cares for you and has been with you for seven years; he's not your mother and he's presumably not someone superficial enough to tie your value as an individual directly to your weight, yet your reaction to his indiscretion treats him as such. Once the dust has settled there's an important distinction to be made between what he said as his own misguided way of showing affection and what someone else would say maliciously. Anyways, you said he apologized when you talked to him about it and that you've gotten over it, so I suppose I'm beating a dead horse at the moment — hopefully he won't fall prey to such folly again in the future.

Also, being a male I obviously have no first-hand experience with the unfair societal pressures women are subject to due to the manufactured image of beauty perpetuated by popular culture, the media, and the people who have fallen into the delusion; however, it is something I have thought about quite a lot and have my own personal disdain for. It's not as If I don't understand why, at least on an intellectual level, why you or anyone else would be sensitive to the matter.

All that being said, I fear I've already presumed too much and any argument I can make in this situation is ultimately just conjecture. I apologize if I caused any offense.

[IllusionOfHappiness]

That in love, huh?

I've been feeling alright, just those overwhelming waves of loneliness whenever I don't have the tv playing in the background.

I'm bloody well exhausted again, damn overtime. I was technically the surpervisor today and had to make a lot of executive decisions that might get me in deep [BEEP] tomorrow.

Gah I'm so fucking scared. I guess that's what my meds are for but it's early yet. If this is exposure therapy you can just shorten the title to "hell".

[IllusionOfHappiness]

Finally in a better place emotionally.