Somebody!!! Get me a schematic chart!!! A dry erase marker!!
And a latte! Double whip!!
Now let's see.
Hm.
Boredom.
Hm. Hm.
*yawn*
Hm.
I think.
No, that's not right.
Hm.
*checks watch*
Hm.
Think. think. think.
Oh!
No. That's not going to work.
Hm.
Um.
Let me get back to you on that one.
Agonizing break crumbs make a great party favor
Stepping stones are painful when passing through the bladder
Stand by me! Stand by me!!
Oh wait. I don’t know you!
Roasted kumquats prevent cavities
Slowing boiling toaster strudel can be hazardous to your dog’s health
Itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout
Down came the hail and flattened the spider out
Out came his guts all juicy and sublime
And the itsy bitsy spider’s no longer in my rhyme
Mary had a little lamb
With special sauce and a side order of fries
Cant see over the mountain
Cant see over the sea
Cant see over the toothbrush
And now I have to pee
You can’t trust pigeons
Why?
9 out of 10 dentists say so
Sticking gumdrops in your ears has the most interesting effects
Joy to the world
Geography’s dead
Maps?? We don’t need no stinkin maps!
We got string!!
This just in.
Blue will now be pink
Yellow will now be green
And water buffalo will sing showtunes on Thursdays
News at 11:00
Tumbleweeds have feelings too. Hug one today!
Stationary stations should start stationery statutes. You just can’t have enough matching envelopes.
Argh!! Said captain catastrophe!! Me parrot swallowed me bandanna
Watch!
Wait!!
See?
There!
No! There!!
There it is again!!
Air!
Don't give up to the munchkins!! It's our last hope!! Man the spoon flickers!!!
stampeding water buffalo make a beautiful pate.
leprechauns stole my sanity
fig newtons should be ashamed of themselves
speaking of telephones why oh why do you never..........uh............hm................ forgot what i was gonna say. nevermind.
im a cat whisperer.
i whisper don't pee on my rug
she pees on my rug and then says "what? speak up. I can't hear you."
tonth dewpwessthas ma it touth to speth
jack and jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water
jack fell down and broke his crown
and jill laughed her *** off
open shut them
open shut them
give a little clap clap clap
is that a jingle for an std commercial?
I thought it was
then it wasn't
so i looked it up on Wiki
Wiki was undecided
but someone had a nice article about building a retroactive perpetual motion device
I just wanted a recipe for dumplings.
Sticks and stones may break my bones.
Well, actually, yes, that would hurt.
Seriously,
Would YOU eat nine day old peas porridge in a pot?
Hickory dickory dock
The mouse ran up the clock
The clock struck one
The mouse ran down
Hickory dickory dock
OOOKKKAAAYYY!!!
Not much plot
Hickory dickory dock
The mouse stir fried in his wok
The wok burned up
The mouse threw up
Hickory dickory dock
Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner,
Eating a Christmas pie;
He put in his thumb,
And pulled out a plum,
And said 'What a good boy am I!
Now, let's discuss this.
His moral identity depends on his ability to stick his thumb in a pie and pull out a piece of fruit. So if he stuck in his index finger and pulled out a watermelon, would he be even better? And what if he stuck in his pinky finger? Does that count on the moral meter? And grapes. Are they also considered moral?
And what would constitute him being a bad boy? Rhubarb pie? Sticking his foot in?
Want a hobby? Teach a child that this color
is blue
is red
is yellow
and is green
then see what happens
My favorite book is called Humpty Dumpty Eggsplodes by Kevin O'Malley.
If you can't traumatize kids with books, then life just isn't worth living.
Ever watch a kid run into something?
They bounce.
My corner is a school bus stop. When the kids board the bus I watch what happens.
The elementary school kids have their faces plastered against the window mouthing "help!"
The middle school kids are hugging each other crying
The high school kids hang their head in resignation.
Verbally abusing teenagers is ALWAYS fun!
I'm so tempted to look at a new baby and say "YEAAAAAHHHH! That's an ugly baby!!!"
All around the mulberry bush
The monkey chased the weasel. (why? do monkeys hate weasels? do they hunt them? do they eat them?)
The monkey thought 'twas all in fun. (oh, the monkey is a sadist.........now i get it)
Pop! goes the weasel. ( egads!! why did the monkey explode??? or did he turn around and punch the monkey??? or did the monkey do something tragic???)
A penny for a spool of thread, (obviously this is an old rhyme)
A penny for a needle. (again...........way back when)
That's the way the money goes. (oh, so now the rhyme is talking about a budget.)
Pop! goes the weasel. (i see the plot developing. maybe the monkey was chasing the weasel who owed him money and he shot him with a pop gun. its all getting clearer.)
Up and down the City Road, (so the monkey chased the weasel around town to get his money back)
In and out of the Eagle, (and in and out of bars)
That's the way the money goes. (while the weasel ran with the pennies)
Pop! goes the weasel. (and the monkey shoots at him again)
Half a pound of tuppenney rice, (here we go with the budget analysis again)
Half a pound of treacle, (treacle?? is that edible? it sounds like a bridge part)
Mix it up and make it nice, (so either the monkey killed the weasel and now he's doing a cooking show or hes having an ADD moment and forgot what he was doing.)
Pop! goes the weasel. (almost seems like a weak after thought at this point)
why did the old man need to go rolling home?
Sing a song of sixpence a pocket full of rye,
Four and twenty blackbirds baked in a pie.
When the pie was opened the birds began to sing,
Oh wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the king?
The king was in his counting house counting out his money,
The queen was in the parlour eating bread and honey
The maid was in the garden hanging out the clothes,
When down came a blackbird and pecked off her nose!
does ANYBODY??!!! see the horror of this rhyme????
tonight on channel four
the spca along with the fbi coordinated a sting to catch a mentally ill man who thought he was king. the man caught 24 blackbirds and baked them alive in a pie!! four and twenty bluebirds were rescued and were not harmed.
in other news a garden maid was severely disfigured when a blackbird swooped down from a tree and bit off her nose. police believe this was a revenge related incident stemming from the four and twenty blackbird murders the same day.
neighbors have been on the watch, wearing beekeeper masks and scuba equipment, fearing another revenge attack from the blackbird community.
extra police have been assigned to the neighborhood to watch for any suspicious baking.
live from channel 6 news....
three men were spotted rubbing soap on each other in a tub. police identified the exhibitionists as the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker. when brought before the judge, they pleaded no contest. the judge shouted TURN THEM OUT KNAVES ALL THREE!
people in the courtroom had no clue what the judge meant by his charge so they consulted little bo peep who had recently lost all her sheep in a craps game.
she explained that it all started with humpty dumpty and his equilibrium problem. he also had an addiction to loitering on walls. see humpty had all the horses and cops busy with the glue gun tryna put his head back on. while the kingdom wasnt being watched the three little kittens went on a theft spree, stealing mittens from all the local wally worlds. while they were making a heist, with little kitty masks to hide their identity, the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker decided to form a secret society. they named the secret society RIGHTSIDE IN KNAVES. they wore all their shirts inside out.
the judge had OCD big time and couldnt stand anybody wearing their clothes inside out. so when he passed sentence on the exhibitionists he was merely screaming FIX YOUR SHIRTS!!
as for the three little kittens............... they were held up in a cave outside nevada against 30 armed fbi agents. the fbi sent in a battering ram while playing love tunes by janis joplin 48 hours prior to the demolition.
the kitties were subdued.
fe fi fo fum i smell the blood of an englishman
what does the blood of a scotsman smell like?
I see the moon
and the moon sees me
kinda creepy dont ya think? like can he see into the bathroom shower?
live at the 5 o'clock news
baby severely injured when he fell out of a tree. even though the parent knew it was a windy day, she put the baby and hi cradle up in the branches of the tree. tragically the bough broke.
here you can see behind me, the mother being hauled off to jail in handcuffs for child endangerment. the baby who only suffered minor fractures contusions and lacerations was placed in the home of his uncle peter peter pumpkin eater.
news flash!!!
peter peter pumpkin eater, the uncle of the child who fell out of a tree last thursday was arrested for unlawful imprisonment. it seems he put his wife in a pumpkin shell and subsequently the baby also. his reason was I COULDNT KEEP HER.
police are investigating what peter meant by his statement. was his wife trying to run away? did he just not finish his sentence?
stay tuned for further investigative reports.
People say “it’s all good.”
what if its all bad??!!!!
like what if tiny ninjas with toothpicks are waiting in the walls for me to go to sleep????!!
and what if cantaloupes are forming armies at this very moment??!!
and what if snowplows decide to climb mt everest????!!!
and what if tiny bubbles pop???!!!!
a lot could happen!!!!!!!!!!!
no more applesauce
i dont even like applesauce
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
She had so many children she didn’t know what to do.
So she gave them some broth, without any bread,
And whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.
does anybody see ANYTHING wrong with this picture???!!!!
mondays child is full of face
tuesdays child is full of flakes
wednesdays child is loving and fibbing
thursdays child hates thanksgiving
fridays child is kinda lazy
saturdays child loves too much paisley
and sundays child gets all the stuff cause their mom loves them better than the other kids
why do characters who deal with children have to coerce them?
Barney the Dinosaur: "Won't you say you love me too?" how sad
Mr Rogers: "Won't you be my neighbor?" again, pathetic
The Wiggles:
Where’s Jeff? Is he sleeping outside?
Where’s Jeff? Has he gone for a ride?
Where’s Jeff? Is he in the countryside?
Lookee lookee lookee lookee
Wy yi yi yi no comment, just creeped out
I've gotta shake, shake, shake my sillies out,
Shake, shake, shake my sillies out,
Shake, shake, shake my sillies out,
And wiggle my waggles away!
I've gotta clap, clap, clap my crazies out,
Clap, clap, clap my crazies out,
Clap, clap, clap my crazies out,
And wiggle my waggles away!
I've gotta jump, jump, jump my jiggles out,
Jump, jump, jump my jiggles out,
Jump, jump, jump my jiggles out,
And wiggle my waggles away!
I've gotta yawn, yawn, yawn my sleepies out,
Yawn, yawn, yawn my sleepies out,
Yawn, yawn, yawn my sleepies out,
And wiggle my waggles away!
I've gotta shake, shake, shake my sillies out,
Shake, shake, shake my sillies out,
Shake, shake, shake my sillies out,
And wiggle my waggles away,
And wiggle my waggles away!
what does a waggle look like?
wait..........
don't answer that
im gonna ask strangers to wiggle my waggle away
what if a waggle is a vital body part?
if you wiggle it away you might die
and truly...........
can you really clap a crazy out?
seems like that would close down the pill industry
and wouldn't you look crazy standing there clapping like mad??
kinda defeats the whole clapping the crazy away
and if you can yawn your sleepies out then you can give up sleeping. just think how much free time you can have.
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
His name is my name too
When ever we go out
The people always shout
There goes
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt
shouldn't that be there goes john jacob jingleheimer schmidts?
i always wanted to have a name with a string of consonants like schlwthfsls.
hi my name is ms schlwthfsls.
i bet you couldnt say that without spitting.
or with a mouth full of sunflower seeds
mr wlkejrofsdi, pronounced 'Smith your table is ready
mr jrlwskygy pronounced jones your table has been given away to some guy who cant pronounce phonic sounds correctly
its HOWDY DOODIE TIME!!!
is that how its spelled?
because if thats how its spelled
well we call you know what doodie
so is the show saying hi (you know what)
is the show about potty training?????!!!!!
Day - o! Day a a- o! Daylight come and me wanna go home. Come Mr. Taliman tally me banana. Daylight come and me wanna go home.
huh?
Oh wait!! I get it! It's Mr. Tally Man!! And the dude with the accent needs to know how much the banana costs. And after he finds out how much the banana costs, he can go home.
It only took me 30 years to figure that one out.
You know............I would've just drowned Gilligan.
Then I would've made a boat out of two radio receiver coconuts and sailed back to Hawaii.
Seriously! Was it truly THAT difficult????
Politics
I vote for the maybe party.
This U.S. President vetoed a law giving full parental rights to chicken farmers over their livestock.
Beep!!
Yes, Ted.
Who is Count Chocula?
Correct!
Religion
Holy Peeps - An online discussion forum for canaries and songbirds who want to discuss God
Literature
To be or not to be– that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And, by opposing, end them. To die, to sleep
No more – and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to – ‘tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep
To sleep, perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause.
Translation please.
I have issues. I want to die. But I also want to dream. So I guess if I die I won't be dreaming. So maybe I could sleep really soundly. Or die for a little while but can be resuscitated, you know like have an out of body experience and then I could tell everyone about that dream I had. But I have to put myself on pause now (possibly to go to the bathroom?)
i aint therefore i isn’t
Random questions and answers
the answer is c bob.
correct!!
live walruses do not text
a) asparagus
b) the statue of liberty
c) johannesburg south africa
d) turtle wax
b) d
do they just put the turtles in a blender and wait till a paste forms??
live on channel 8
dead pigeons
wouldnt that be dead on channel 8?
a a and a penguin went into a bar.........
love shack baby!!
huh?
the sasquatch are coming!! the sasquatch are coming!!!
its the thought that counts
Dust bunnies are procreating their species every 12 seconds.
fireworks rock!
i can sleep with my eyes open...........
watch..........
here come the reindeer!!
i found out
cant for the life of me think of it
cant for the death of me forget it
cant for the unconscious of me maybe it
cant for the drunk of me not slur it
too bad i aint drunk
so if you drank alchohol your drunk
if you eat food are you ate?
bananas are our friends
people just do not see the humor in mailboxes
i killed a mailbox once
it angered me
tazers are our friends
tazers should be used on anyone who asks a stupid question
can you tell me where
what was i saying
i talk to crawfish
they talk back
pillows cry
sheeps snort water!!
why dont we sleep with our hands and feet up in the air?
sheep dont eat shrimp
sheep dont eat shrimp
sheep dont eat shrimp
no more waffles
people talk to cantalopes because they listen
pickles for everyone!!
jalapenos for no one!
my tableware left on vacation
the letter q feels lonely
do sheep count sheep to sleep?
do sheep sleep with their feet in the air to sleep?
elephants told me they voted last year
little bo peep lost her sheep
did she go looking for them like god?
god likes details
if you throw a ball way up in the air and it never comes down does god intercept it?
i bet god plays a mean game of basketball. he probably scores every time
does god were sneakers?
why did the basketball cross the road?
the answer is c, bob
correct!! for 600 points
road warrior??
why are you fighting the road??
did it do something to you?
i can see him
sword in hand
dodging the semis
saying
take THAT!!
and THAT!!
beating it to a pile of gravel
ok what was i talking about??
just kidding
dont beat me!!!!
my cat texted your cat
im sending you a bill
contrary to popular belief it is NOT further to new york or by boat
there will be a short news break on the hour for the president of the united states to apologize for stating such a way out there statement
thank you
Hah!!!! Somebody's been reading law!!
Or watching Judge Judy.
are cows holy cause people are always yelling HOLY COW!!
and what about HOLY CHICKEN!!
or HOLY PENGUIN!
there was a sign at the door!!!!
didnt anybody read the sign??????
the sign said no eggplant with sticks
its clearly marked
its under the sign that says mens bathroom
dont TOUCH me!!!!!!!!!!!!
ha!!!!
dogs fart
pigeons fly
birds do bookkeeping
do you own a llama??
you seriously need to get that leak fixed
Warning: this is a thread take over. Pleas do not panic.
from which orafice is the leak coming from??????????????????????
RED alert!! READ alert!!! hostile takeover in progress!!!!!
somebody call the mafia!!!!!
kiwis eat llamas!!!!
You don't want to know.... This leak is a bad one....
kiwis make coats out of llamas!!!!!
Eeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Yeah, but only nose coats
lets analyze this sentence
what is the kiwi talking about????
does he wear coats on his nose????
did you ask him what his coat is made out of?????
LLAMAS I TELL YOU!!! LLAMAS!!!!
its all quite disturbing
i have superior toes
theres a cat eating my fingers!!!!!
just the crunchy parts
ow!! back off cat@@@
that last ones was the cat
yes i have bisquit parts
people dont live in trees
i cant believe its not butter
why are you telling me this captain
im a doctor not a
chicken
dinosaur
telescope
first grade teacher
watermelon
grapefruit
asparagus
people treat cantaloupe like their special
i say let them eat with the peasants!!
just in time for the shopping season
exploding balls!
fun to watch the little faces of the little innocent children who totally don't expect that to happen.
Not a big explosion. Just enough to make them wet themselves.
I may be crazy, but I have my limits.
just in time for the shopping season
exploding balls!
fun to watch the little faces of the little innocent children who totally don't expect that to happen.
Not a big explosion. Just enough to make them wet themselves.
I may be crazy, but I have my limits.
In the interest of mankind, mankind will elevated to the term "beingthathappenstoliveontheplanetkind."
Those of you who do not live on the planet, need to come up with your own term.
Thank you.
Is it ok to eat jello for dinner?
I mean. Just jello.
the green kind.
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sanspants
Reminds me of when you fight with your siblings and your parents say, "Now kiss and make up."
