Anxiety and over-thinking (sorry, kinda long)

[SmileyFace]

I've realized recently (for the millionth time, really) that I am never, ever relaxed. It is so rare for me to be relaxed and just go with the flow. When I do feel relaxed and whatnot, there's this little thing in my head (or SOMEWHERE, who knows) that goes "This awesome feeling isn't going to last long." And before you know it, I'm back to my "comfort zone," where it's filled with anxiety, fear... which causes a lot of over-thinking, which then causes even more anxiety and fear.

I've basically driven myself insane for the past few days with this. Everything I do, I feel it is wrong. I can't seem to find that middle ground.. or better yet, finally feeling okay or content with what I choose to do.

The issue of texting has especially been part of my anxiety lately. I don't understand these "communication rules." Hell, I don't know if there are any and that it's all just "made up" in my head. I've been so bothered over when I should or should not text someone. He and I are very close. Weeks ago, he texted me first. Great conversation. I didn't feel anxious. I let myself be me. Wonderful feeling, I tell ya. Then he had to go sleep, and I felt like I probably did something wrong.. it's not that he wanted to sleep. *sigh* I texted him first the next day... was a brief convo, then he had to go. That made me sad again. Felt like I did something wrong. He texted me first the following day, all was ok. As days went by, it wasn't just who started the convo first, it was just whose turn it was to pick up the conversation from there. If he texted me the previous night at a time where I couldn't get back to him because I was busy with homework or was asleep, I'd respond the following morning. No biggie.

Lately though, I just been feeling like I'm responding to him too much. Although, if you look at the big picture, I only text him once or twice a day...that's been the case for the past 2-3 days. And yet, I still feel I'm texting him too much. It's left me feeling like I'm being needy or clingy.

BUT -- when I've waited several hours (almost all day) to get back to him, I feel terrible.. I end up thinking "What if he thinks I do not care about him?" "What if it irritates him that I took so long to get back to him?" We had gone over this before... he's told me before that my lack of communication (not texting him "just because") upsets him and causes him to think I do not care about him at all. So that makes me go "shoot, I need to text him now then before he thinks this." But after I finally send that text, I then feel bad AGAIN... thinking, "Shoot, I shouldn't have sent that. That was probably too soon even though I waited like 12 hours to get back to him. Now he'll think I'm needy or clingy." OR "Man, this is probably too late. He probably already thinks I don't care about him."

It's driving me insane. My gut would tell me it's okay to contact him here and there at certain periods of the day, but afterwards I just feel so terrible no matter what I do.

He had been going through some depression as well, and I had been wanting to ask him how he's been doing, but I fear he will get upset for not asking in person. I saw him last week, but I didn't think of asking him that (not in a bad way) because I was focused on just trying to make him smile throughout the day. Gave him a little gift and such. Ya I could always meet up with him, but I'm super super busy this week and next week And I feel asking him on the phone isn't as great still as asking in person.

Now I feel like I'm making excuses for not doing things for him *sigh* I honestly can't fuckin tell anymore if it's my anxiety or not. I know there must be something wrong on MY end because ANYTHING I do... I feel bad over it, like I shouldn't do anything or something. But when I don't do anything, I feel just as bad and just as pathetic...especially when there's things I do want to do.

This has been driving me nuts, and I don't even know what to do. I want to ask him if I have been annoying him but I know that will prob annoy him because I've had a habit of asking him if I "did okay" when hanging out.. like, did I talk enough, etc. And that has pissed him off, causing him to tell me I need to stop "evaluating" myself so much. And... at the same time, I feel like if I don't bring up these concerns, it'll just seem like I don't care or am not aware of what I am doing (if there is something I'm doing wrong).

Going back to the texting issue, it doesn't help that he takes a few hours to get back to me as well. He's like this on weekends really.. spends time with family and keeps busy away from the phone, which is understandable. But i can't help but feel hurt. I'm not used to the fact that most people around me have an actual life going on...filled with all sorts of activities and events to keep them occupied. And me... I just stay home all the damn time, hardly anything going on in my life.

Ugh. Sorry this was so long. Now I feel bad about this too..

[SmileyFace]

Err.. how come it says there are 7 replies, but there's only one ...that is a spammer..?

[Inscrutable Banana]

I have some experience with this myself, although maybe not to quite the same extent as you. I will say something to someone, usually something totally benign, and then obsess over whether or not I should have said something different or not at all until I get some sort of response so I can make a determination as to if it mattered at all—my fears rarely, if ever turn out to be warranted. In fact, right now while I'm replying to your post there's a part of my brain second-guessing something I wrote to someone earlier this morning even though I know I don't have a rational reason to. It's not just limited to my contact with other people, I also tend to obsessively worry about potential negative situations I could encounter when doing practically anything and I allow it to help talk me out of doing a lot of things want to or need to do. I'm pretty unsure of what I'm doing most of the time, although there are exceptions.

Unfortunately, I haven't figured out how to consistently stop allowing myself to drift into over-analysis and worry so I can't offer much help in that regard. Generally, the only thing that temporarily stops me from obsessive worrying is if I get actively distracted by another activity or if I get whatever response I need to alleviate my concerns, but that only lasts until the next thing that triggers it. I try to fight it by attempting to replace negative thinking with positive thinking or just find a sufficient distraction, sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn't. That's all I can really suggest, I guess.

[SmileyFace]

It's all good, Inscrutable Banana. It is something quite hard to get over where you could develop better (healthier) habits. I can definitely relate to how you said that you'd let the obsessive worrying cause you to not do a lot of things you want or need to do. I texted the person.. was nervous as [BEEP] over it, kind of wishing I didn't. He responded just fine really (made me so anxious when he took a while again at some point).

Pretty much realized... my communication sucked when it came to him for so many years because I let the obsessive worrying stop me from communicating with him more promptly. And I care about this person so so so so much that I just cannot allow myself to slip up again and hold back. It's a reminder I tell myself, and maybe that could help you as well... to remind yourself that there are more "consequences" (if that's the right word) if you do not do what you want or need to do. Easier said than done, obviously... been there, done that. But I guess it's something you could maybe think about too. It's helped me... things do end up not as bad as you think, but regardless, the anxiety between the time you do something and the time things end up not being bad at all is almost unbearable sometimes.

[Misssy]

hum there are no text rules, if the other person stops responding then stop sending that is kind of a basic social rule and that is the only one I know of. Everybody has things to do so they take breaks once in a while.

[SmileyFace]

^makes a lot sense. I barely accepted this week that a lot of people just really embraxe their downtime on weekends rather than be too connected, like sitting around texting all day...