I don't understand why some people throw their children out. My teenage daughter has a friend who once he turned 18 his parents decided that he is old enough to be on his own. What I see is a very immature 18 year old who can't even drive, yet, because his parents refused to put him on their insurance. He doesn't have his GED either.
This past summer when he turned 18 they allowed him to stay home for the summer.When he was thrown out he sat on my porch and cried. He spent a lot of the summer at my house watching tv. He avoided people and old friends who were getting him in trouble. I encouraged him to enroll in job corp to finish high school and gain some job skills and have a roof over his head. He's doing ok, not great not a stellar student but ok.
His parents allowed him to come home for Christmas. He was a bit of a cocky belligerent kid home from school. His Mom got angry because he wanted to spend time with his friends? She wouldn't allow him to hook up one of their tvs in his bedroom. He was to ? sit and watch Hallmark tv specials with his Mom? I'm just saying there is fault on both sides. They took him back to school early.
They told him that they do not want to hear from him at all.???
He and his brother were, in my opinion, headed down the path of juvenile delinquency. They started going to a youth group at a church. They with my daughter and friends went to Winter Jam, a Christian rock concert ,. WHEN I WAS A KID YOU COULD NOT HAVE FORCED ME TO GO TO THIS!!!
Between the two kids and members of the youth group they raised enough money for the entire youth group to go to a Christian Convention.
I sort of think neighbors really bought into supporting the worthwhile endeavor of two Juvenile delinquents finding religion. I'm just saying the pastor of this church really helped turn these kids lives around. He just died of pancreatic liver cancer. It was know that he would die soon. No one from his family called him. He called me today, because he was having a rough day. I thought he was calling because he needed a ride to the memorial service.
I said I'd pick him up and take him to it. He is planning on going to this even if he goes awol from Job corp. However, a few weeks before Christmas one of his old friends /classmates of his was killed in a horrific traffic accident. The car hit and snapped a pole off ten feet in the air. It brought the roof of the car down to the floor and it landed on it's side and skidded 500 yards down hill. Speeding on a road with S curves is not a good thing to do. This is one of the kids he avoided all summer, but this kid's brother went to the school and picked him up for the funeral. They may not grant him another leave.
If he were my kid I would call the school and try to work out a let him go for a day deal.
This kid has had it rough. His biological Mom was a drug addict. His current Mom adopted him to get the adoptive children paychecks? I didn't know there was such a thing. They end when a child turns 18. He is not a stellar child. He has problems. He got thrown out of school. Yet, one day I remember vividly. He was 15. He got a BMX bike. I talked about my cousin who was very into BMX, Tony Hawk, skate boarding etc. and my cousin's bike which was a sweet ride, very smooth and the one trick I could do. This is almost 30 years ago!!!
The next day, he came over, my husband informs me Donna, your boyfriend's outside. I go out and he's showing off something he'd done to the bike. I'm kind of ok, cool but puzzled but then it dawned on me that I was probably the only grown up that had ever given him positive attention. I kind of think OK it is hard to raise kids. I love mine, but it is hard. Yet, I now believe that his adoptive Mom is emotionally abusive and I feel sick that he grew up there. He is now 18. He is damaged. I do what I can. I have my three to raise. Everyone tells me Donna He is not your kid.
His Mom seems to want him to be a miserable failure and has washed her hands of him. I can understand punishing the bad behavior, but without rewarding good behavior??
At the same time I realize I only get his side of the story. Yet, something seems so wrong and it probably is wrong. Do you think they have counseling at Job Corp?
this is a pretty full on recollection, I cant say I've ever been that close to anyone going through suchness but I can relate to the "frustrated with other children's parents", and grandparents. I personally can't have kids but the amount of times I shake my head at parents/grandparents. I'm a young auntie and I think I'm great at it, I know this because the kids I'm around respond and treat me differently to their parents/grandparents. the amount of times I have to bite my tongue and not say "wtf are you doing? you're a F'ing idiot" every time, every single time. The more they tell them off over nothing the more they feel inclined to test their boundaries, something they never do with me.
I think a lot of people just simply forget what is it like to be a kid, they can no longer relate, they'd rather just feed their own insecurities by being needlessly over authoritative with them, killers of harmless fun as I refer to it. And like you mentioned 'lacking in positive encouragement', I feel like I have to carry that alone, to try and balance it all out. I know for a fact my parents have never EVER encouraged me with the things I enjoy the most, they don't even show a shred of interest but they are always the first to discourage.
Seeing such behavior from my parents and such has opened my eyes to possible issues that relate back to me childhood, needlessly punishing my brothers and I for no reason, that only confused and made us withdraw into ourselves. Unable to express ourselves leading to developing social disorders. It pains me to see them do this all over again with grandchildren and for me to not be able to say anything.
My Mom could be verbally abusive when I was a kid. She also is passive aggressive. You had to guess a whole lot on what was wrong. What you did wrong? The things I tend to excel at are things that she doesn't think will lead to a good job. Maybe i agree and that why I work in retail. However, we all knew she loved us. This woman has told her son the worst mistake she ever made was adopting him and his brother. Who tells that to their child?
He was not permitted a leave from Job corp. See if i were his parent I would call and talk to someone in charge and see if I could get a few hours leave. I know for a fact that this minister has also been encouraging this child and his brother to stay on the straight path and wouldn't want anything not his funeral to be a setback for him.
His Mom dug in her heels and refused to even take his brother to the service?
With how my parents are (controlling, manipulative, rude), I wish my parents threw me out when I was 18. I wasn't allowed to get a job because THEY didn't want to look bad when people found out their kid works in retail. They wanted me to wait until I jump start my career in journalism so they wouldn't have to worry about that. They didn't believe in financial progression. They thought retail jobs are for poor and illiterate people. Well.. we're not illiterate (maybe my mom is), but I know we are quite poor. Or, at least, I'm poor. Whatever financial aid I received the first few years of college, my parents spent it all.
I never knew what it's like to have money to support yourself during college. I never knew what it's like to work for someone else (I had my own design firm online instead, which was okay I guess.. but I stopped doing that in college since my passions shifted). Now that I'm out of college, I'm more anxious than I should be when it comes to work. I'm terrified that I will mess up. I'm kinda terrified of being on my own, yet excited at the same time.
With the way I was brought up, I just wish my parents let me do my own thing. Sure, at 18, I could have just ignored them since I was of legal age and all to do things, but when I got a bank account of my own when I wasn't supposed to, it was like WWIII in this house.
So... I can see what you're saying though. I do believe that, if parents want their kids to be off on their own right at age 18, they must help prepare their kids to get there. I feel many kids who are thrown out at 18 never received guidance or experience in taking care of one's self financially and so forth... so once they're out there, they're a bit lost. Fortunately, many figure it out themselves. But... having your parents help you out a bit would definitely be nice. I mean, it is a bit frowned upon when a parent expects their kids to learn all these things in school, which has been my parents' case *rolls eyes* My younger brother had gotten smart and has been learning things from his own friends. I never did that because my own friends and acquaintances thought I was weird for not knowing certain things about life and the real world, so the best they could do was keep asking "How can you not know how to _____?"
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