Flashbacks of sexual assault

[SmileyFace]

I had been getting them a bit more often lately, and it's unbearable. I don't understand why this is happening now. I suppose it's because I shoved it all under the rug all these years, and after finally coming to terms months ago with what happened in 2009, things been feeling worse.

I wrote a personal essay for a publication about my experience (it was my choice to do so), and although I didn't mind much that the general public will read this, it was painful trying to remember the experience in exact details. On the good side of things, it helped me come to terms with what happened... and it allowed me to properly move on, if you will. But since then, I've had nightmares more often where I'd "relive" what had happened. I already got nightmares like this before I wrote the essay.. but it'd be once every 2-3 months. Now, it's once every 2 weeks or so. As with flashbacks, it'd be at least once a week.

It leaves me in a weird mood, and I'd no longer feel like myself for a couple hours (or a whole day). It'd help if I go to a counselor about this, but I cannot afford one at the moment... even those that are $20/session.

Journaling has helped, but aside from that.. it's just so frustrating feeling like the rapes happened just yesterday. The flashbacks for today came on about 1 hr ago or something... just got done crying right now (for now, at least).

*sigh* I don't know anymore... I try to tell myself that all that happened years ago.. that things are okay now... that I no longer have to deal with this guy, but still...

Sorry for this thread... I really needed another outlet other than my journal for this tonight I'm not expecting much responses here.. but ya..

[life]

(hug)

[SmileyFace]

Not exactly having flashbacks this morning, but I feel awfully guilty for what happened years ago I know it's not my fault, but I feel like it all is...

[GunnyHighway]

Not exactly having flashbacks this morning, but I feel awfully guilty for what happened years ago I know it's not my fault, but I feel like it all is...

All I can say is I feel your pain. I luckily don't remember much of what happened, but I still feel shitty about it. All we can do is just brave through it and try to remind ourselves that it's in the past and doesn't have to define us today.

[SmileyFace]

All I can say is I feel your pain. I luckily don't remember much of what happened, but I still feel shitty about it. All we can do is just brave through it and try to remind ourselves that it's in the past and doesn't have to define us today.

Thank you. And I'm sorry you went through similar experiences

(hug)

*hugs back*

[Chantellabella]

Sorry that you had to go through that. I often wonder if flashbacks come and go to help us deal with the trauma when we're ready. I know that I will be plagued by them every once in awhile. It's as though my brain is forcing me to deal with the pain and grief. I find myself going through terror, sadness and anger. But then after the intense feelings pass, I feel just a tad better. I wonder if it's like our body knows to rip the scab to air out the puss, and then it knows to scab over again to allow more healing. Does that make sense?

[SmileyFace]

Sorry that you had to go through that. I often wonder if flashbacks come and go to help us deal with the trauma when we're ready. I know that I will be plagued by them every once in awhile. It's as though my brain is forcing me to deal with the pain and grief. I find myself going through terror, sadness and anger. But then after the intense feelings pass, I feel just a tad better. I wonder if it's like our body knows to rip the scab to air out the puss, and then it knows to scab over again to allow more healing. Does that make sense?

That does make sense. I do notice this is exactly what happens. The flashbacks are unbearable and awful, but after the (millionth) storm's passed, I feel so much better in terms of how I view and deal with the traumatic experience throughout my everyday life.

[WintersTale]

I'm so sorry you have to go through that. (hugs)

[SmileyFace]

So... I found out last night there's something that triggers some flashbacks for me and it's something rather pathetic, and I don't know how to tell my BF this without looking stupid.

He likes to joke saying so-and-so is my "boyfriend." i.e., that's your boyfriend huh? so you guys went on a date? awwww.

It's a really weird way to joke. Thing is, I've noticed the average person would play along or whatever, and finding it funny. But I don't. I want to. But I can't. It's impossible. I end up feeling threatened, as if I'm being accused of cheating on him when he knows I'm not doing anything like that.

This especially got bad for me since early yesterday morning. He somehow found a photo of me and this one guy from 2011 or 2012. Now, this guy... he and I are not on good terms anymore. We weren't ever friends and we weren't ever more than that. We were nothing. I knew him from SAS and we exchanged numbers since I thought he was cool and he was also from the area. Long story short, one day he basically stalked me down and found me at a park I was at. Knowing his SA was 100x worse than mine, I decided to hang around anyway. Big mistake. He was putting his arm around me as if we were a couple, and I wasn't too happy about it. He seemed to have a particular temper as well and it scared me; it made things worse that he reminded me of my abusive boyfriend from a few years back.

I was basically feeling traumatized that day, trying to figure out how to get away without him knowing. He made us go into an arcade and forced me to have fun when I was just feeling so shocked and panicky. And... he even made us take a photo together. And this is where the main story comes in..

He had sent me the photo the day after to my phone. And I hated looking at it. BUT -- for some reason, I still uploaded it to my Imageshack account. I do NOT remember doing that whatsoever. AT ALL. My current BF somehow found it and he sent me msgs late last night when I had gone off to bed asking if I had uploaded it myself or not. I was going to say "No" because ... why would I do that? lol. I don't remember ever uploading it or wanting to, but after checking my ImageShack account, I somehow did. Now even I'm confused. But no worries about that, I could delete the picture, no problem.

The main issue is... this is triggering flashbacks for me. I know by the sound of things, my BF seems irritated that there's a picture of me and this stalker dude. He knows the story already. I told him about it the day after or something. And we learned that he went to HS with the guy back in the day as well (small world, eh?). So he's not mad about the photo. He just finds it funny to be joking about it, asking if it was a date and all because that stalker dude was somehow all dressed up like he was on a date when we were not.

But even though my BF isn't mad or anything, it is triggering flashbacks of the (sexual) abuse I dealt with that this original topic was about. I couldn't understand why before, but it hit me last night... my ex used to (falsely) accuse me of cheating on him every single time he saw me talking to a guy -- even going to a cash register at a store where a male employee is working. Much of the time, he knew it wasn't true, but he did it so he'd have a "reason" to punish me later by beating and raping me.

My BF makes this "boyfriend" joke once in a while, and when he does make any joke in general... he keeps at it for a while until it's pretty clear I'm really annoyed. And this is what irritates me like no other. It'd be funny at first to me, but after a while... it's pretty ridiculous. With this current situation here with the photo though, I feel like it's going to go on a bit longer because this stalker dude was all dressed up nice, and I wasn't dressed too bad either, even though I was probably coming from somewhere else to be wearing jeans and a nice blouse. Plus, it's kind of my everyday attire anyway when I go out, esp back.

I don't even know how to tell my boyfriend that this is triggering flashbacks for me. I just feel like I'm being so oversensitive about things. I kind of prefer to tell him in person but that won't be until Friday since he's super busy with school. I don't want to wait. I don't want these jokes to carry on any longer. All of yesterday, I was trying to prove to myself that I was just being oversensitive about things, but it only made things worse.

I'm sure he'll understand, but I'm so tired of us talking about my issues. It just makes me feel like a really broken person... I want him to have his fun and be able to joke around me, but this particular joke makes me feel so awful.

I feel so disturbed over this. I'm close to just sending a long email to him because I no longer want to wait to give him a piece of my mind.

[meeps]

^That's not stupid at all, and if your boyfriend is a good person he'd never think that. It totally makes sense to be triggered if you see something in you current boyfriend that reminds you of a behavior that your abuser had. It's your body warning you.

Ask yourself what you would do if a loved one were going through the same thing. Would you think they were being "over sensitive" or a killjoy? Probably not, because that's super messed up and insensitive. Everyone has boundaries, and you are allowed to state them clearly when someone is crossing the line. The people who matter are the ones that will listen and support you, not the ones who would tell you to stop being so sensitive or expect you put up with their behavior even though it makes you uncomfortable.

[Inscrutable Banana]

Agreed, meeps.

If your boyfriend is doing something that reminds you of past trauma I think you should explain why it bothers you and how it makes you feel—I'm sure he'll understand. You may not want to be a "buzzkill," but he'll survive not being able to make that particular joke anymore. Your emotional well-being is far more important than him indulging in a little teasing that might be fine with someone who has no trauma to associate it with, but isn't with you.

[SmileyFace]

^That's not stupid at all, and if your boyfriend is a good person he'd never think that. It totally makes sense to be triggered if you see something in you current boyfriend that reminds you of a behavior that your abuser had. It's your body warning you.

Ask yourself what you would do if a loved one were going through the same thing. Would you think they were being "over sensitive" or a killjoy? Probably not, because that's super messed up and insensitive. Everyone has boundaries, and you are allowed to state them clearly when someone is crossing the line. The people who matter are the ones that will listen and support you, not the ones who would tell you to stop being so sensitive or expect you put up with their behavior even though it makes you uncomfortable.

Agreed, meeps.

If your boyfriend is doing something that reminds you of past trauma I think you should explain why it bothers you and how it makes you feel—I'm sure he'll understand. You may not want to be a "buzzkill," but he'll survive not being able to make that particular joke anymore. Your emotional well-being is far more important than him indulging in a little teasing that might be fine with someone who has no trauma to associate it with, but isn't with you.

That is true I guess I'll tell him. I'm now super anxious just as much because he hasn't gone online today yet. I know he is busy putting together a project for school though. I just don't want to wait any longer o_o But I do not want to send an email either. I'd rather chat with him live time.

I sure hope this goes well. I'm trying to focus on other things right now so I don't drive myself nuts thinking up even more things that could possibly go wrong from telling him that what he is saying/doing is triggering flashbacks.

Thank you for your inputs, meeps and Banana. I appreciate it. I know he'll understand since we've talked about flashbacks before and he had seemed worried over whether or not he's said stuff that set things off in my mind, so I'm sure he will understand. I'm just so wrapped up over what people will think *sigh*

[Chantellabella]

^That's not stupid at all, and if your boyfriend is a good person he'd never think that. It totally makes sense to be triggered if you see something in you current boyfriend that reminds you of a behavior that your abuser had. It's your body warning you.

Ask yourself what you would do if a loved one were going through the same thing. Would you think they were being "over sensitive" or a killjoy? Probably not, because that's super messed up and insensitive. Everyone has boundaries, and you are allowed to state them clearly when someone is crossing the line. The people who matter are the ones that will listen and support you, not the ones who would tell you to stop being so sensitive or expect you put up with their behavior even though it makes you uncomfortable.

I really agree with meeps. It's not stupid at all and you're not being overly sensitive.

[SmileyFace]

We talked about it last night. For one, I'm glad I got it out there. But... there seemed to be some sort of major misunderstanding. He said he was joking at first, but later on he became serious, thinking I must be seeing someone else.

And since I never said yes or no whenever he'd "joke" asking if there's someone else, he decided there must be (I'm shocked, honestly). I never said anything because I was confused as to why he would even ask this, and always assumed it was a joke this whole time.. so I never felt the need to give some straight, honest answer. And even if I did, he'd prob "joke" and say I'm kidding. I reassured him last night there isn't anyone, so that's that. But... the conversation led to more stuff. He said he has more Q's to ask me but that he'll ask in person Friday because he doesn't want me thinking long about my answers and stressing over how to respond.

I was expecting this to be the end of the jokes (or "jokes," it seems) and everything would go back to normal. But now we are back to talking things out between us which usually results in me crying and the both of us getting upset.... before making up again. It's one hell of a process.

I just can't believe he has been thinking all this time that I must be seeing someone else. He can be rather emotional, and that is totally okay with me tbh because I'm tired of men who think they're rough and tough and don't give a care in the world. But wow, it was a bit heartbreaking to find out last night that he had been thinking this this whole time. I don't know what exactly drove him to think this way. I know we only see each other once a week, and he was saying he doesn't know what else I'd be doing the rest of the week, etc. It sounds like paranoia almost (and before anyone thinks this, no he is not controlling). This just really makes me sad.

I sat in bed thinking about us last night... and I realized some things that I've thought in my head for a while now. I'd like to tell him as well, but I'll do so in person. It is truly nothing bad (it's actually some good things), but I do fear he'll take things the wrong way since it's happened time and time again. Doesn't help that I suck so bad at wording my deepest thoughts either.

Right now, I don't exactly feel like talking to him until Friday. I need space. He needs space (esp since he has exams going on).

I'm still rather shocked.

All these years, I thought I was the super paranoid one in the relationship. I can be super paranoid about us, but even after seeing how he can get, I'm still worse than him, I assume. Who knows what else would be going through his head that screams out paranoia regarding me.

I'm going to make the effort to be clear and reassuring Friday without crying all over the place. I will cry anyway though, but every time I do, I just totally shut down and he has to comfort me when it's him who's been hurt. It's annoying. I don't like being at fault for things, esp in a relationship. And I don't want him to be at fault for anything either, let alone feeling hurt. I'd have so much stuff to say but I don't say them because I'd be crying and crying.

*sigh* I can't even believe this...