The only thing that you are truly in control of is yourself. I had a weird panic attack today. I wasn't in a panic just this all encompassing dread like something very very bad was going to happen. This for me is where faith comes in that God will send me the help I need should I need it. I just kept repeating that and it helped me with the anxiety. I don't believe that I am unimportant. I was placed here and now by God to learn something once I accomplish that I will die.
Life isn't fair. It is so very hard and very lonely. I haven't tried much therapy but it seems with social anxiety; there isn't much help. This last time I quit because I didn't like the billing process and they, the office goofed up my insurance which I clearly wrote down for them on the massive amount of paperwork they gave me. I want to try to find a counselor again.
You seem to want an easier life but sometimes that just isn't going to happen. I'm sorry I know "What a way to cheer people up." I'm not too good on optimism. What was the most fun, non-illegal, thing you remember doing as a kid? I thought I better add non illegal, because you never know...? Whether it's riding your bike or looking for cray fish in the creek etc. etc.I would just say go do that for today.
Sometimes it is way too easy to look at the huge mountain of failure. I saw a former friend at a distance today. I would have loved to just been able to happily greet them and I felt so bad because I believe that I caused the estrangement. It's really kind of weird because I have to pretend I never knew this person. I should have never listened to other people on this one. I wanted to apologize however, some people talked me out of doing something weird. Yet, pretending not to know someone I stood across a conveyor belt for six months talking about anything seems even weirder.
Try telling something like that to a counselor. I need help because of this. Uhm! I quit talking because I had a major panic attack or post traumatic stress flashback in front of someone who I now ignore and pretend not to know. The counselor wanted to ignore that and get me working on building up my self esteem and confidence, but I quit due to the billing issues. I saw this person today and I just felt bad like it's still a huge reminder of what is wrong with me.
Well, I don't have faith in anything, let alone an entity I've never seen or heard from. If there is a God, it certainly doesn't care about any of us and is undeserving of any faith or worship. A deadbeat dad, at best, twisted sadist more likely.
You were wise to add "non-illegal" in there, I can't remember having fun without medicating myself, it's been like that over half my life. I suppose it's nothing specific, just being able to be around friends without freezing up or doing something stupid and making a fool of myself. Unfortunately, I can't do that now and I doubt I'll ever be able to again.
I'm sick of talking to this counselor, all she does is give me these little assignments that make me want to die and insist that I check self-help books out at the library. Yeah, I don't feel like a gigantic loser in there checking out those moronic, useless books that just scream to everyone around me "YES, I'M A FAILURE AT LIFE, IT'S SO BAD I'M ACTUALLY CHECKING THIS GARBAGE OUT".
There really isn't any help, at this point I'm just looking for something to medicate myself with that doesn't cause the brutal hangover that pills and alcohol do. I know what it is, it'll be dangerous trying to get it, but I don't care anymore.
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