Ever feel rage?

[Chantellabella]

I've been feeling this way the last 2 days or so. I think it was worse yesterday. Things were okay today until I was cussed at earlier by a bunch of strangers *rolls eyes* I'm currently trying to calm down right now.

I don't know what it is. Anything that's made me upset lately has put me in a rage, particularly my parents.. and just dealing with being an adult, trying to figure out life again.

I'm glad I'm typing this out since I'm getting it off my chest, so to speak. I have PLENTY to be thankful for. PLENTY of things to be happy about. PLENTY of people to appreciate and love. So that's good... it just doesn't make sense to me when I feel so so so so angry. It's insane.

You remind me of me, in that when I get super rageful ( a natural human response), I start counting my blessings. But my therapist has told me to not stop the feelings. Yes, stop any action you might do in a fit of rage. But let the anger out. When it's that intense, someone has triggered something really inside and possibly a button that was pressed when you were a child. She explained that the intensity of rage is usually an old anger from when you were 2 or 4 or 6 when you were helpless.

You weren't able to express it then, so it comes out now in random situations when someone does something that reminds you of the initial situation.

Yes, as adults we understand to let go and be grateful. But it sounds like you and I do the same thing. Cut off that small child's emotion prematurely before the anger can be expressed and spent.

I know I've felt better just sitting with the anger awhile. Because the anger always turns to tears and I realize I actually felt hurt. It hurts to be cussed out by people. And unfortunately we have no power over making them stop.



And it's to tell me I'm way off base.

Cindy

[Chantellabella]

Yup. When I'm angry enough that I would call it "rage," I have extremely graphic mental images of doing violent, torturous things to people. Of course I never actually do anything, and I never would. I'm a very passive person but when I'm pissed off, my brain comes up with some pretty horrifying scenarios as far as things it wants to do to the person who angered me. Like an example that comes to mind is one time I had a visual of myself killing someone with a circular saw. With that said, I seriously would never harm another person unless it was self-defense or a life-or-death situation. But the thought is there a lot of the time. I would never, ever act on it. Don't worry, you're safe in my presence with power tools, LOL.
The fact that I even have those thoughts kinda scares me

I think we all have those feelings and thoughts, Keddy, so don't worry. Anger and being hurt is all part of being human.

[Keddy]

I think we all have those feelings and thoughts, Keddy, so don't worry. Anger and being hurt is all part of being human.

Thank you for the reassurance, Cindy

[IllusionOfHappiness]

I'm glad to hear the violent images are normal! Sometimes I feel like a bad person...

[Koalafan]

Rage koala!!

[Chantellabella]

I'm glad to hear the violent images are normal! Sometimes I feel like a bad person...

My therapist once told me that we feel like a bad person when we express strong emotion because we were told somewhere along the way that we "shouldn't" be angry.

But sometimes a situation calls for rage because we got hurt. And the bigger the hurt, the bigger the rage.

[Chantellabella]

Rage koala!!

Yep! Koala's get rageful too, huh, my friend.

[Chloe]

I want to say no but that would be a lie. I've been tormented and bullied for being different for so long, purely because I had my own set of morals that I stuck to strongly such as not changing my opinion to match others, being myself, speaking up if something is wrong, being loyal to a friend no matter what. For years I was treated like [BEEP] and people would only pretend to care to look better in front of others. By year three of high school (after four years of bullying) i was broken. I changed I let go of my morals, I dressed like the rest of the sluts at school, I didn't give a crap about school work. That year was deeply unsatisfying and I didn't even achieve what I set out to. I hated those around me who now accepted me for being like them. After a crappy year I came back. My morals returned I gave up with others and accepted I wouldn't fit in, I hid away from others and returned to studying reading, drawing in isolation. By doing this I made some friends who made the bullying bearable. But now after 7/8 years of bullying I remember them all, the very mention of their name and I get pissed off. I wouldn't do anything to them now. I'm too happy with life but that should be enough to show them what they did to me, the difference from Chloe in her last year of primary school would hate me, Chloe half way through high school would admire me. I get pissed of at the memory's but the only way to show them what they did to me is smile and let them see what real happiness looks like with loyal friends and satisfying relationships a apposed to their fickle friends and cheap one night stands waiting for a guy to make them feel special. Unfortunately these people still have the potential to bring out the worst in me and that worst is those bitter hateful thoughts and 'the rage' as it's called on here

[Chantellabella]

I want to say no but that would be a lie. I've been tormented and bullied for being different for so long, purely because I had my own set of morals that I stuck to strongly such as not changing my opinion to match others, being myself, speaking up if something is wrong, being loyal to a friend no matter what. For years I was treated like [BEEP] and people would only pretend to care to look better in front of others. By year three of high school (after four years of bullying) i was broken. I changed I let go of my morals, I dressed like the rest of the sluts at school, I didn't give a crap about school work. That year was deeply unsatisfying and I didn't even achieve what I set out to. I hated those around me who now accepted me for being like them. After a crappy year I came back. My morals returned I gave up with others and accepted I wouldn't fit in, I hid away from others and returned to studying reading, drawing in isolation. By doing this I made some friends who made the bullying bearable. But now after 7/8 years of bullying I remember them all, the very mention of their name and I get pissed off. I wouldn't do anything to them now. I'm too happy with life but that should be enough to show them what they did to me, the difference from Chloe in her last year of primary school would hate me, Chloe half way through high school would admire me. I get pissed of at the memory's but the only way to show them what they did to me is smile and let them see what real happiness looks like with loyal friends and satisfying relationships a apposed to their fickle friends and cheap one night stands waiting for a guy to make them feel special. Unfortunately these people still have the potential to bring out the worst in me and that worst is those bitter hateful thoughts and 'the rage' as it's called on here

I hear you about being triggered by bullies. But you have the right idea. Showing them how happy you are, with loyal friends and a big smile will annoy them tremendously. Why? Because it takes their delusional power away. You're basically telling them that you're not only so much better off than they are, but you're telling them that they had no effect on you.

That's all a bully wants...........power. They feel so bad about themselves that the only thing that makes them feel better is to knock others down. How sad is that?

So once you show them they have no power, they feel really bad about themselves.

Unfortunately, they'll go find another "victim" to push around.

That's why it's so important to lift your head high and tell the world that you're awesome. Otherwise, bullies can spot a victim a mile away. Holding your head down, talking bad about yourself and accepting their opinion of you will bring them in. It's like catnip for them.

[Chloe]

Well I never did talk bad about myself I wasn't self concede but I knew what I was good at and what I was bad at, I was confidant in myself and what I stood for they just broke me down after coming to a new country and facing 3/4 years of it. I was too different and I knew that, at first I though it was a good thing diversity and all but after a while I just broke, I regained myself and some of my confidence afterwards when I stopped trying to fit in and just got really bitter and easy to angry. As exams rolled on and finished I got too exhausted of being bitter and angry, I'd distanced myself fairly well and when it came to high school finishing and I relaxed with prom and after prom I think I changed a lot of peoples opinions about me, there was a lot of apologies (although how many were true or not I don't know) roll on college and I put up a hell of a fight to anyone who tried to say anything to me

[Nightingale]

You know.................that wanting to drown somebody kind of rage?

That anger where you know it's a waste of time to even acknowledge someone or something and yet you feel it anyway.

First I get mad at them.

Then I get mad at myself for wasting my time being mad at them.

They aren't worth wasting my time..............ever.

On and off for me. Sometimes I'll think, "I've hit the anger phase of grieving!" and then it'll just go away. Back to the seesaw of depression and anxiety.

I used to be someone who was all about solutions. That comes back to me now and again, and I'll get mad about being mad, and want to solve the problem. Then I remember there isn't a solution.

I try to keep in mind that saying about holding onto anger is like holding hot coals in your hand and expecting the other person to get burned. Sometimes it makes enough sense, and then other times I just power-eat my way through the cabinet and scream in the shower.

[Chantellabella]

On and off for me. Sometimes I'll think, "I've hit the anger phase of grieving!" and then it'll just go away. Back to the seesaw of depression and anxiety.

I used to be someone who was all about solutions. That comes back to me now and again, and I'll get mad about being mad, and want to solve the problem. Then I remember there isn't a solution.

I try to keep in mind that saying about holding onto anger is like holding hot coals in your hand and expecting the other person to get burned. Sometimes it makes enough sense, and then other times I just power-eat my way through the cabinet and scream in the shower.

Believe me, it takes time to work through some anger issues. It's because it takes awhile for the hurt to fade. I still get angry when I read something or find out something about my old workplace.

[Nightingale]

Believe me, it takes time to work through some anger issues. It's because it takes awhile for the hurt to fade. I still get angry when I read something or find out something about my old workplace.

THIS. A million times, this.

[Chantellabella]

THIS. A million times, this.

I know I should stay away from reading their website, but I go anyway. It's usually when I'm hurting and want to distract from the hurt. So I go and read and then get very angry. It does nothing for me................just makes me bitter. It's really not healthy to go there. It prolongs my healing process rather than helps me.

I've gotten better by "just saying no." That's tough to do though.

I think the part that makes it difficult to let go is that I know I did nothing to deserve what happened. I was bullied and when I fought back, I ended up the bad guy. How do you justify that? So it's hard to let that go. But I know that staying bitter hurts me.

I've been considering going back to Celebrate Recovery. It's a 12 step program that helped me let go of my past abuse. I'm thinking this might help me finally let go of this past bullying.

[Nightingale]

Bullying such crap. My eldest boy was bullied in catholic school and it was one of the hardest things I've struggled with as a parent. I hear about other adults being bullied and it infuriates me. Then I was bullied/ganged up on/retaliated against, and it has to be one of the most perplexing, unfair, hurtful, and frankly, sickening things I've ever been a part of.

A new thought the last few days has helped me some with the flashbacks of that time: What kind of people do this? Who *are* these people? They're damaged people to enjoy inflicting pain on another. I never want to be who they are.


A few weeks ago, I had breakfast with my old "crew", the IT department and my former chief. These are people I admired, loved, thought the world of - the list goes on and on. We hadn't had much contact after I was fired, and they were fired, but we remained loyal to one another. Anyway, at our breakfast, everyone was talking about their lives, and it dawned on me we weren't ever going to work together again. That everyone had really moved on with their lives...except me.

I'd hung on to that hope we'd all reunite some day. Work together again, share in each other's lives. We're all so different, yet we complimented each other magnificently. The five of us. But, I left breakfast that morning really understanding for the first time we'd never be the same. It was a horrible feeling, but also, once the last shreds of grief wore off awhile later, a freeing feeling.

Since then, I've been in a much better place with regards to my future plans. I'm actually finding myself really excited at times, and that's definitely new.