Ever feel rage?

[QuietCalamity]

All the bullies I know were bullied themselves. My older brother was bullied in 1st grade, and that was when he *really* started bullying me. He did my whole life, but it got to be nearly constant shortly after that. My dad is mean because his dad was mean. My mom is mean because her mom is mean.

I don't get angry with others easily, but sometimes I feel rage when I do something wrong or stupid. Occasionally I'll have so much anger that the only thing I knew to do is take it out on either myself or others. I'll just want to scream at someone for no reason, someone who wouldn't fight back, like the dog, and it makes me feel horrible to recognize that in myself. It makes me feel just like my mom. I can only manage to be decent if I fantasize about killing myself over and over in 100 different ways instead. It's like my rage has to manifest as hate in some way because that's all I know.

[Chantellabella]

All the bullies I know were bullied themselves. My older brother was bullied in 1st grade, and that was when he *really* started bullying me. He did my whole life, but it got to be nearly constant shortly after that. My dad is mean because his dad was mean. My mom is mean because her mom is mean.

I don't get angry with others easily, but sometimes I feel rage when I do something wrong or stupid. Occasionally I'll have so much anger that the only thing I knew to do is take it out on either myself or others. I'll just want to scream at someone for no reason, someone who wouldn't fight back, like the dog, and it makes me feel horrible to recognize that in myself. It makes me feel just like my mom. I can only manage to be decent if I fantasize about killing myself over and over in 100 different ways instead. It's like my rage has to manifest as hate in some way because that's all I know.

I used to turn rage onto to myself also. I still do occasionally.

But lately I've been putting the blame and anger onto the people who hurt me. I was a child. I was not guilty.

Those who have hurt me as an adult I can understand and forgive. Relationships are two sided and I see the part I played.

But those who hurt an innocent child are guilty. I'm not guilty for their mistakes.