I don't know why I'm posting this, probably because I'm too terrified to actually tell anyone face to face. I have a potential health problem that I can't even describe anonymously here on this forum because it's extremely embarrassing and my insanity is completely preventing me from seeing a doctor about it. I don't have a primary care doctor and I have terrible insurance, the thought of sitting in an emergency room with this problem and then actually being examined makes me physically ill. I think I'd rather suffer the potential loss than face anyone by presenting with my concern. It's been happening for years off and on, so I'm also thinking it may just be a symptom of my anxiety/depression. I don't know, I really don't know.

Of course, if it is my anxiety/depression, it's not going to get any better because my anxiety/depression isn't getting better, so the cycle will just repeat endlessly. This is how life seems; it's an endless cycle of terror and misery. It's manifesting in physical symptoms at an unbearable rate now, it just keeps getting worse and worse. Right now I'd actually be happy to just have a regular old panic attack for a little while and then pass out, but no such luck. I'm not panicking per se, that is to say I'm not hyperventilating and losing consciousness; no, this is a million times worse. Instead, I'm obsessively thinking of every negative outcome; I'm imagining how much worse my life will be after my fears of this health concern come to pass, but I STILL can't go to that damn emergency room. I'd honestly rather die than sit there in absolute terror. I've done it before just due to panic attacks and it's the worst thing that I've ever brought upon myself. There have been some events in my life that were worse than that, but going to the ER is something that I made the choice to do and well, I can't explain it any better than that because I'm really not thinking straight right now.

If I really do have a health problem and my fears are reality, then I'm done. I won't go on living if it happens, I just can't. It has always gone away in the past once I started drinking and taking benzos, which is another reason I think it may just be caused by extreme stress. I don't know what else to type, so I guess I'm done. I just want to sleep now, but I know I won't be able to.