I'm a useless manchild

[nothing]

I really am. I'm so damn frustrated with myself, it's got me raging. I'm frustrated with myself in every damn way, sexually, emotionally, spiritually and in other ways that I'm at a loss for words to describe. I'm 34 and I have no function, whenever I try to find one I quit because I make myself sick with anxiety. Then I get depressed because I realize what a fucking failure I am.

[BEEP] it, I'm drinking and taking alprazolam. I'm sick of doing yoga and going for walks in the morning, even though the yoga IS making me physically stronger and the walks aren't as nerve-wracking anymore, so what? As soon as I try to actually communicate with others for any time period longer than 30 seconds, I freak out and look like a complete moron. How the [BEEP] will I ever meet a woman, they make me more nervous than anything on Earth. I'd really rather die than embarrass myself again in front of them, it's so god damn awful it makes me sick. I'll never improve beyond this point and this point is shit. I hope I overdose and die in my sleep tonight, but it won't happen, I'm a monster and the only real talent I have is consumption; I can drink and take benzos for days without a break and survive. Some fucking talent, WOW!

[nothing]

I'm getting progressively more intoxicated so I'll just keep ranting here, nobody will read it anyway, but that's okay, I'll just use it as a cathartic posting platform.

I look at my eyes in the mirror sometimes and I hate what I see. Not my physical appearance, that isn't SO bad, my eyes are pretty nice actually, but I hate who I am. Most of the time I turn off the lights if I'm near a mirror because I'm a horrible human being, I don;t want to look at myself. I'm a useless sack of shit, I'll never amount to anything. My father was right, he had me pegged. I'm a lazy fuck, I can;t do anything right. I sit here and feel sorry for myself and I flake out whenever times get tough. [BEEP] me, I deserve all the misery I feel and more. I should be beaten 15 times a day for my awfulness. I deserve all of this, I'm 100% useless and I should be stripped naked, covered in diabetes-causing high fructose corn syrup and thrown on a pile of ants to be devoured.

[nothing]

Maybe it's because I'm drunk and on benzos, but YouTube seems different. The player size is all fucked up, I didn;t do anything that I know of. It's ruining my music listening experience, how can I listen to my 80's music that makes me nostalgic like this?

Another useless, selfish complaint, I'm a terrible person.

[nothing]

This is going to be a dangerous night, all bets are off.

[nothing]

Ohh shit, whatever, nothing will ever get better, now my hands are sore from punching my bedroom door to pieces. [BEEP] it, I'll never have what I desire most.



What a bunch of bullshit, I just dislocated my left middle finger but I don;t care. I will tomorrow, but hey, maybe I won;t make it .
That would be a blessing.

[nothing]

[Ironman]

The first thing is that there is so much negative thinking that you are doing yourself in before you even try!
It's like a deprogramming has to take place.

[merc]

Sometimes progress can be mind numbingly slow, but look you've been doing yoga and getting in shape that's way more than what I've been doing. Plus going out for a walk and actually greeting strangers that is not an easy task, but for two or three weeks that is an accomplishment. There was this article somewhere on stopping the wonky thoughts. I wish I could remember where it was. So you not where you want to be, but doing these small things you've been doing is better than where you once were. Getting up, getting out of the house and doing some of the tasks that sometimes you just don't feel like or want to is part of life. I have to leave for work in a few minutes and I'd really like to go back to bed. Hope you are ok.

[nothing]

Ugh, reading over my posts here makes me cringe. I'm such a disaster, I apologize for this entire thread.

[IllusionOfHappiness]

Sometimes progress can be mind numbingly slow, but look you've been doing yoga and getting in shape that's way more than what I've been doing. Plus going out for a walk and actually greeting strangers that is not an easy task, but for two or three weeks that is an accomplishment. There was this article somewhere on stopping the wonky thoughts. I wish I could remember where it was. So you not where you want to be, but doing these small things you've been doing is better than where you once were. Getting up, getting out of the house and doing some of the tasks that sometimes you just don't feel like or want to is part of life. I have to leave for work in a few minutes and I'd really like to go back to bed. Hope you are ok.

This.

And it's that way for everybody, unfortunately. As much as I wish there was, there's no fast-forward button for this stuff. It's hard and it sucks and you'll fail a lot, but eventually you'll notice small changes. Those are what you need to focus on because thinking about those things will breed more positive thoughts. I know it sounds really obvious, but it's easier said than done (I would know).

[Skippy]

Ugh, reading over my posts here makes me cringe. I'm such a disaster, I apologize for this entire thread.

It's no biig deal, ppl get frustrated about [BEEP] all the time to the point it drives em batty. anyone decent would not see it as a disaster or anything and the rest? well they don't matter. I wanna call this to attention:

"I'm a useless sack of shit, I'll never amount to anything. My father was right, he had me pegged. I'm a lazy fuck, I can;t do anything right."

The more you think this stuff the worse it'll get. Healing and a better life starts with using that frustration to say "Hey, I'm tired of this. I'm going to do something!"

I've been a lil nasty in regards to anxiety/SA on a couple occasions only cuz I'm frustrated watching people fail and say "I can't".
I've said also on many occasions that once you feel the effects of taking other's power over you away
(because in this world it seems you ether give power to people or take it from them, sad but true)
you'll never wanna go back.
Self esteem needs to start especially before healthy changes can be made.

[nothing]

Self esteem needs to start especially before healthy changes can be made.

That's what has me really frustrated, I've been trying, but I've no idea how to gain self esteem. I never feel good about myself, no matter what I do.

[AndrewsSmith]

Hello nothing, don't think like that to your self and don't ever say you are useless because you are a gift. I know it's hard for you to find a woman because you luck of self esteem but I believe in you. You just need to find a woman that talks a lot and you can open to her about your condition and I am pretty sure she can understand you. Do something production so that they wont tell you lazy, I am sure you are capable of doing things just believe in your self I know you can make it.