Memories and Feelings

[Chantellabella]

I hear that! They wonder why you suddenly rush off to the bathroom even though you've not long been or (for me) why you're "jumping at shadows".

I've found a new trigger lately. A particular type of car. Not helpful when I'm in the city, it's a fairly popular style of car and I can't tell the difference between it and similar looking models.

Yikes! That has to have you on edge constantly. Is it because you think it might be someone you know in it? (sorry for being nosy)

[Chantellabella]

This describes the sentiments about my life so well.

Sorry about that, fluke.

Thank you for sharing that.

[Chantellabella]

My parents were terrible at not showing their favourite kid. I mean, it happens, but most parents seem to be able to hide it pretty well. Nope. Not mine. My brother plays sports so my dad has always been more invested in him. He has a learning disability (called being fucking lazy) so my mom was always more interested in him. I've been shunned my whole damn life. Parents, friends, everything. I've been so short on feeling loved in my life.

Then it changed for a few months...a few months of feeling like I actually existed. Not only to my then girlfriend, but everyone around me. It just seemed like everyone was more open to being around me and listening to what I had to say.



I regret it completely. Now I know what I'm missing every day. It's absolutely insane how much comfort comes from something as simple as holding hands, or just having someone to talk to. I think I was better off when I didn't how it all felt. I'd rather have just been forever numb.

I'm sorry that your parents treated you that way. I was a scapegoat, so I know the unfair treatment thing. And I get feeling invisible. Not fun, huh?

[Chantellabella]

All through high school I struggled to fit in with anyone group and get away from the bullying. I have moments where I hear what they said to me almost like an echo things like no one likes you, your weird, go away Chloe, you can't even do that stop trying, such a freak and I know they don't sound like much compared to the horrible stuff that you guys had to go through but it really did a number on me especially 7 years of it. I've never thought of myself as pretty, I look in the mirror and think I'm fat ugly and misshapen despite other people saying otherwise. Because all i can hear is those bullies (the majority of my year) saying the same thing your not normal your ugly and your a freak I don't believe anyone actually likes me in real life I always think they just feel sorry for me or because I know things and can do school work (not for them).

Sweetie, don't ever compare your pain with the pain of others. You were bullied and it hurt you tremendously. There is no degree of hurt. And their words stayed with you to the point of you believing it.

I'm sorry they did that to you. You didn't deserve it.

[Skippy]

All through high school I struggled to fit in with anyone group and get away from the bullying. I have moments where I hear what they said to me almost like an echo things like no one likes you, your weird, go away Chloe, you can't even do that stop trying, such a freak and I know they don't sound like much compared to the horrible stuff that you guys had to go through but it really did a number on me especially 7 years of it. I've never thought of myself as pretty, I look in the mirror and think I'm fat ugly and misshapen despite other people saying otherwise. Because all i can hear is those bullies (the majority of my year) saying the same thing your not normal your ugly and your a freak I don't believe anyone actually likes me in real life I always think they just feel sorry for me or because I know things and can do school work (not for them).

That's horrible. There's something seriously wrong with people who do that, but we all know that, right?
there's long been a problem with people and that's how they hurt others, something that one day needs to change.
Way I see it, why would ya believe the [BEEP] they say when they are the ones with the problem?
Someone who talks like them surely wouldn't earn my respect in the least. High school tho is an awful place, because it's like people there haven't even learned [BEEP] yet at that age. As a result some people stay assholes no matter what the age.
Don't believe what they say, because they're not even at a point where what they say even matters;I don't really get why such kids act the way they do. I think even people need to stop taking having kids for granted if they ain't gonna teach em to be anythin' respectable.
Bet ya as well that's 95% of the problem.

[Chloe]

The way I saw it and see is they were smart, they had friends they fit in they were good at things and there was that many of them saying the same thing they must have had a point. I know now some of the stuff they said was off or over Exadurated but they weren't all wrong I'm not Achaemenid, I am different, I am weird but it's just finding the right people who like your weird and different. One good thing about it as the bullies got more distracted with gcses and left me alone I gained my confidence a bit more and actually stopped some bullying that I saw happen so at least one good thing came out of it and I could help other people

They didn't have my respect, there was just that many people all saying the same thing that many times it kind of wore me down

I just think they couldn't handle someone who had been exposed to the world who had taken on different countries cultures and mannerisms with different accents , wanted to do nothing but be everyone's friend, take college work seriously. I was too naive and had been brought up to be too nice to people.

[Chantellabella]

Hey thanks for showing sympathy, even though I have no reason to complain and nothing to blame for how I turned out.

It didn't sound like you were complaining. Talking about hurts is a very human and needed thing.

Also I see a distinction between reason and excuse. When one says they are the way they are because something happened, then it's not blaming. It's giving a reason.
When they say they can't do anything because someone did something to them and therefore they are powerless to fix it, then that's an excuse. In other words, they "use" the past experience as an excuse for not taking responsibility. I'm not sure if I'm making this clearer or more confusing.

It's ok to talk about things that happened and also to see a connection of what happened to your behavior now. So don't negate your hurt. It's very real and it hurts, doesn't it?

[Nightingale]

It didn't sound like you were complaining. Talking about hurts is a very human and needed thing.

Also I see a distinction between reason and excuse. When one says they are the way they are because something happened, then it's not blaming. It's giving a reason.
When they say they can't do anything because someone did something to them and therefore they are powerless to fix it, then that's an excuse. In other words, they "use" the past experience as an excuse for not taking responsibility. I'm not sure if I'm making this clearer or more confusing.

It's ok to talk about things that happened and also to see a connection of what happened to your behavior now. So don't negate your hurt. It's very real and it hurts, doesn't it?

Chantellabella, you're the best. Truly.

[Chantellabella]

Chantellabella, you're the best. Truly.

I'm blushing. Thank you for that compliment.

[Total Eclipse]

I'm feeling a lot of memories/ flashbacks lately. I've had several traumatizing experiences (and due to being traumatized even little things tore the issues worse). Last night was one of the days I hit-my-brick, and for the past 15 hours have been having terrible intrusive images and thoughts of a few things; and then anxiety attack that lasted the whole 15 hours; and every hour a panic attack would set in and last for 2-5 minutes (per hyperventilating). Even going into detail is too much to go into x.x

I realize vague.