So for those of you that were wondering why the 2013 Crappies came a little late, the answer is that I spent several months trying to recover from severe anemia and a condition that I need not explain. This is the reason why the 2013 Crappies came a little late this year.
However, after much deliberation and a lot of people asking about the Crappies, I decided I'd bring it in for the 3rd consecutive year. This year, there were six nominees and more people voted for this than I thought would. Like 2011, we have a tie for 3rd place (tie for 1st place in 2011) but unlike 2013, I decided to have both share the bronze medal. After all, it's only about who is the winner, not so much who came in 2nd... or 3rd... or 4th.
I name 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place Gold Medalist, Silver Medalist, and Bronze Medalist. Because I think that making extremely bad music should be an Olympic sport of endurance, at least for listening to them or watching the music videos anyway.
I'll go through each of the nominees one by one in descending order of how they placed, but first, a few dishonorable mentions for the 2013 Crappies. And to put this forward, no, "The Fox" by Ylvis and "Cruise (remix) " by Florida-Georgia Line ft. Nelly did not make the list. The former because the song does have some redeeming quality, the later because I don't do remixes that are too similar to the original. Also, songs meant to be parodies (Weird Al Yankovic) or artists who are made to be parodies (Millionaires) do not count in the Crappies.
It was a tough one between this one and the song that finished 6th place (revealed later), and it was pretty obvious from the start of the nominations that the two probably should've been switched and then some. This South African rap group got a dishonorable mention in the 2011 Crappies with "Enter the Ninja" and was going to get at least a dishonorable mention in 2012 with "Rich Bitch". How these two manage to stay under the radar of the nominees I have no idea but there was really no excuse to dodge nomination for a third year in a row. This time just BARELY.
I almost did restart the Crappies just to add this group in, just to see how they do. However, 6th place dodged a nomination once before too, so who knows... The way their shock value is, I doubt they can hide from a nomination forever.
A very love or hate song. Love the beat, hate the lyrics. Pretty much all that needs to be said that others haven't said 200 million times before. Seriously, if you can find the parody by Bart Baker though, it is HILARIOUS.
Like "Cookie Thumper", this was another of the "almost reset the vote to add them in" group. But considering the.. ahem... "amazing" vocals of Tay Allyn, I SERIOUSLY doubt she will dodge the 2014 crappies nominations. Another song of hers is locked in as a 2014 Crappies nominee.
Then again, nothing says "Cookie Thumper" and "Mass Text" can't be put into the 2014 Crappies. They did come in rather late...
Virtually nobody voted for this song and as I said "Cookie Thumper" or "Mass Text" would've probably made a more competitive nominee. That being said, Taylor Swift dodged a 2011 nomination once with "Fifteen" and probably should've been added. Really, most of Taylor Swift's songs are so bland and are pretty much the same beat nowadays. I really miss the old days of "Teardrops on My Guitar" and "Tim McGraw". How far one has fallen. However to add them on as a nominee, I had to think there was a chance the song would win, and this was probably not the Taylor Swift song that could've won it. The ONE vote proves it.
The only comment about this is you know it's going to be a bad year when future inmate Justin Bieber (aka The Shame of Canada) and sad has-been Will.i.am only finish with 5th place, and THREE votes.
Pato, Pato, Pato. For those not in the know, Patrice Wilson is the former creator of Ark Music Factory. Wilson pretty much left Ark (and I haven't heard from them since) and created his own music "factory" known as Pato Music World. For those looking to find good music however, you will be sorely disappointed, as only one artist (Katie Belle - Born for This) was even remotely decent.
Patrice Wilson was the genius behind "Friday" by Rebecca Black, "Butterflies" by Alana Lee Hamilton, "Thanksgiving" by Nicole Westbrook, and 2011 Crappies Bronze medalist "Girl Swag" by Madison Bray. You've probably heard at least "Friday" on the national news as it made a couple hundred million views on Youtube. Some refer to him as "Fat Usher" and he usually raps in ALL these girls' songs.
And no, this isn't the only song Pedo Wilson had finished. That being said, some people (Alana Lee Hamilton, Katie Belle Akin, and to a lesser extent Rebecca Black) eventually escape the clutches of Pedo Wilson and go on to be decent independent pop artists. A good difference if you ever look it up on Youtube, look up "Butterflies" by Alana Lee Hamilton and then see the song "Synchronize". EVERYTHING improves.
It was only a matter of time before Miley Cyrus at least nominated in a Crappie, if not won it. Sharing a bronze medal is good enough of a compromise to me. This Air Jordan commercial gone wrong with Miley Cyrus rapping is one of two nominees that is a MC Escher from MadTV's nightmare come true. I assume this one finished below the other one because there wasn't enough people under the 'ft.' column.
But I know what everyone is asking. What could be worse than a song that features Miley Cyrus rapping?
And why didn't I add "We Can't Stop"?
This one is just way way worse.
As for what could be worse than Miley Cyrus rapping and dancing in Michael Jordan merchandise?
Runner-up for the 2013 Crappies is "Bubble Butt". I'm still trying to figure out the purpose of this "Baby Got Back" ripoff. However, if you like a song that takes butts seriously and features a giant girl flying in the air inflating girls' butts in what looks to be a Weird Al parody if he were a hip-hop artist then this song is for you.
Sir Mix-a-lot did it a WHOLE lot better (no pun intended).
Much like last year it wasn't even close between "ABCDEFG" and "Bubble Butt", except this time it was by vote. Alison Gold will be winning a lifetime achievement award if this keeps up as she has a lock-in nominee for the 2014 Crappies that is one of the favorites to win.
Not much more I can say about Pedo Wilson then... well... just look at this video. The only thing missing in that van is "Free Candy" painted in the back, this isn't Sesame Street, and really, Mr. Rogers Neighborhood? How many childhoods must these guys ruin? I can never look at PBS the same again.
Now here's my question for next year? Should I add one of the two dishonorable mentions (Cookie Thumper or Mass Text) into next year's Crappies based on a technicality that I was in the hospital for the first half of this year and had to rush the 2013 Crappies? Please leave comments.
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