The first hard step

[Monowheat]

Yesterday I finally did it. I opened up to my therapist and was honest. None of the bullshit, glossing over, and missing pieces I give to everyone else. I finally told her what it was that caused my last break, the thing that caused the panic attacks to begin, and I shouldn't have been surprised at her reaction. She thanked me. She'd been severely concerned about what had happened to me. Her guesses were far from the mark (one was rape) but it told me just how much trauma I'm projecting out even when I only show a little bit.

I cried for over an hour. I then left, found a bathroom and cried some more. I don't think it all came out when I pulled myself back together and I spent the remainder of the day resting on a hair trigger for more tears to flow. Today I feel odd, I can't really describe it and I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I have different questions than when I went in. That's progress right?

What are your experiences with making that first step? I'm curious as to how other felt afterwards since I'm not certain how of I feel or if it's "normal".

[Chloe]

I always think if you do something and then cry over the relief or experience of sharing that something it's healthy. It's breaking away a bit of the problem for other people to see and help you with. And as long as your not going to worry about how they will react or if they will tell anyone then 9/10 you made the right choice and a healthy choice for getting over that problem which has been on your back

At the moment there's unfortunately very little I can do that's a first step for me, I'm honest about why I think I panic, I'm not afraid of talking about those thoughts and feelings. I'm not afraid of saying when you said/did this is made me think feel and react this way because. I do know that after something has changed for me like the first time I passed out, the first time I tried standing up after a bad panic and couldn't support my weight, the first time I shut down, the first time I stopped myself from panicking I cried. I cried because of the relief, the heartbreak, the anger, the fear needed to come out. I feel numb afterwards and tend to go very quiet while I think and mull over where I'm left now that those raw emotions have left me. But that's what I do I cry then go quiet either because I've not quite left the panic or I've thought about something that the panic made me realise. Everyone's different though so some people may give some interesting replies to this

[jsgt]

It's definitely progress. Now that you've taken the first step, do you think it will be easier next time? Me...I've just hinted to my mom that I might have some issues, but didn't go in depth. She thinks I'm on a "spiritual journey" which instantly made me regret saying anything at all. Nothing has been said since and I feel more comfortable keeping this inside anyway. I guess that was a first step since I've never mentioned anything to anyone.
Props to you...that must have been tough.

[Monowheat]

Thanks guys. I do agree that it's been a healthy step. Will it be easier next time? I'm not sure. We shall wait and see. Unfortunately my next appointment isn't for another month.

I went a bit numb-ish for a few days as I obsessed over the new questions I had asked myself and became more and more anxious. Last night it broke free, all the pent up emotion, worry, fear and panic came lose but I had my fiancé there to talk it through with. I cried again, this time from relief since he once again didn't think I was crazy and tell me to pack my bags (it shouldn't surprise me but oddly does).

[Chloe]

Whenever we made a revelation at counselling it would stick in my head for a few days. I got told anything that we talked about that made an impact let her know. Any thoughts or questions which nagged at me let her know. I'd say the same thing might help as well. If it strikes a chord it obviously must have some significance.
Haha I have the same worries that my boyfriend will call it off after I panic but he never has tried to so hopefully your boyfriend will be the same