overwhelming...

[merc]

I know I have this disorder, but I also live in a bit of denial. I don't think I'm that bad or even that abnormal. Yet, sometimes when I contemplate getting help and start reading self help guides.... I realize how many of the things described I do, just normally kind of out of habit and I don't think I'm ever going to get better.

For instance I was reading what it's like to live with anxiety disorder, it gave the example of missing or skipping the first day of class because you want to skip the lets all introduce ourselves part. I honestly don't think I ever attended the first day of class in college because it is boring and generally you have to introduce yourself. Of course I'm not in school now, but I still dread things like this and avoid things like this.

At this point a lot of my social anxiety is who I am...I can firmly state I don't like having to introduce myself to a group and will avoid it. I avoid eye contact. I'm afraid to speak to certain people. If people are together and laughing or whispering in that urgent quiet manner I think they must be talking about me. Sometimes, I do not care!!! Is that good or not? I am sometimes so preoccupied with how I don't fit in. What do I do when I don't like someone? What do I do when I do like someone? How can you tell if people like you or not?

Due to the way I grew up, kind of isolated on a dairy farm with my family, I'm used to long stretches of being completely alone. I sometimes prefer it then dealing with people. How much being alone is ok.? I really suck at social situations, but I would like to get a better job.

[IllusionOfHappiness]

At this point a lot of my social anxiety is who I am...I can firmly state I don't like having to introduce myself to a group and will avoid it. I avoid eye contact. I'm afraid to speak to certain people. If people are together and laughing or whispering in that urgent quiet manner I think they must be talking about me. Sometimes, I do not care!!! Is that good or not? I am sometimes so preoccupied with how I don't fit in. What do I do when I don't like someone? What do I do when I do like someone? How can you tell if people like you or not?

I could have written that myself. My entire existence can be described in the "I have no idea what I'm doing" meme. Because I don't. Ever. I don't know what I should be doing, how I should be doing it, or if what I'm currently doing is working or not.

Anxiety can improve for sure - it just takes A LOT of practice and it's often unrewarding because you don't notice that changes right away. There's nothing wrong with being alone, but too much alone time means spending time in our heads. And if your noggin is anything like mine, it's not a very pleasant place to be for very long, stewing in negative thoughts.

What sort of work do you do currently, if you don't mind me asking?

[merc]

Well, I kind of determined that maybe i should go back to school and finish my secondary education teaching certification. Actually, use some of what I have studied, but I kind of don't want to implode again. My anxiety levels aren't great, but no where near where they were two years ago. So I went to this self-help web site that someone here recommended, however, I kind of got depressed reading the "how anxiety effects your life section."

Sometimes, that is overwhelming. I've wasted my life hiding from people.

My current employment is stocking clothing at Target. Sometimes I work in other departments. Today I was in toys and domestics, towels sheets and related house stuff.
It's not the worst job but it's not the best. I have a degree in Spanish, a degree in Mass communications, and if I wanted to pay the extra I could have had a minor in history and I almost finished secondary education teaching certification, I only had to student teach and at that point I realized "There was no way in hell! That I could do it!"

I did work as a reporter at a small town newspaper, The Progress in Clearfield Pa. I covered municipal meetings, sewer authority meetings etc. It wasn't a bad job and although I was terrible at press conferences where I had to try and ask questions. I was ok with the small town meetings where maybe two members of the public show up. Also, one on one interviewing I was not too bad at. Yet, there was unrelenting stress in some aspects, after two miscarriages I quit when I became pregnant with my eldest child.

The stress came from times when there was some kind of controversy, two sides. I also had stress when I didn't understand something very much like taxes? I also hated fires, accidents and brutal crimes.

I sat through a trial of a man who killed a lady with her silverware chest. He knew she walked her dog and got in her house and she found him while he was burglarizing her home. She wouldn't let him have her car keys and he repeatedly hit her with the silverware until she died. Also, these kids, although two were 24 and 21, killed another teenager they hung her at a place called Gallows Harbor because she was going to "tell on them."

I remember the good times at the paper and want to go back. Then I remember the bad, unrelenting worry and stress and think quitting was a good thing.

The things I like about my current job. I can be home when my children come home from school. The job is easy. I don't worry so much about placing a package of socks on the wrong hook. I also love my discount card.

Things I hate about this job. Boring. Building is too hot, they lower the air conditioning at night. One of the people I've worked with was kind of a bully who management loved. I work in the clothes department which gets ignored by managers, that I feel should be more aware of who does what and not favor the louder ones.

[IllusionOfHappiness]

I'm wasting my life hiding from people too . It's not fun.

Going back to school sounds like a good idea. That's what I'm doing...in a week. Ugh. Don't know how I'm going to handle it at all but I don't have a choice. I wish I could've got some sorta stocking job. I could deal with that. Then maybe I wouldn't have been unemployed for two years. I applied for a stock position at Target actually and got turned down. Anyway, your reporter job sounds like it was interesting at least. Definitely stress and anxiety-inducing, but at least not every day was the same. As much as I like familiarity and order and all that shabang, I feel like any job where you get to go in every day and face something new is a job that will keep your happier in the long run. It's more engaging. I could never get up in front of a class and teach anything, haha. But that's just me. It's up to you to decide what would work best for you. Teaching is another job that fits under the 'engaging' category.

Workplace bullies are awful, aren't they? They're such good schemers, they always find a way to weasel their way in with management so they never actually have to take the blame for anything. Worse when you've got people in management positions who really couldn't give a rat's [BEEP] what goes on.

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriages, by the way. I can't imagine what it would be like to have to go through that.

[merc]

Workplace bullies are awful, aren't they? They're such good schemers, they always find a way to weasel their way in with management so they never actually have to take the blame for anything. Worse when you've got people in management positions who really couldn't give a rat's [BEEP] what goes on.


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