Communicating with my SO who has anxiety

[Hmmm]

My boyfriend of six months who I love very much casually mentioned when we first started our relationship that he struggled with anxiety. I didn't really understand what that meant until in a panic about a week ago he tried to break up with me seemingly out of the blue. I had no idea anything was wrong until that point.

We talked about what was actually going on, it was a lot of little things that I had brushed off and scenarios of things that would happen in the future. He was dwelling on very fixable things and held them in until he could no longer take it. I told him I wouldn't give up on him and we are working through things. It turns out him breaking up with me was his way of trying to save me from him? We are happy 99% of the time, he is very zoned in on the negative.

To better understand what he's going through I've done some research, but it's daunting. There are many conflicting answers.

Right now he is asking for space. I'm willing to give that to him but I'm wondering if that's what he actually what he needs? Lots of these help websites say being there is the best. I don't want to make him more upset, I told him I was here to talk when he's ready in any case. What works for you guys? How do partners help? What should I do?

[merc]

This is a tough question to answer as you gave no specifics. Does he tend toward avoiding behavior? I do and sometimes when people do stuff that annoys me I will not confront the situation, I will back off from the source of annoyance. If you happen to be someone I'm good friends with I will probably be comfortable enough to confront the situation.

All of us have different quirks. I tend to be introverted with social anxiety. All my life I've been shy. I don't really know but I may have even had selective mutism as a child. I definitely need some alone time to recover and de-stress from dealing with people. For some people alone time is like solitary confinement. I also have favorite people. People for some reason or another I get along with, they are rare and true friends and I can relax around and be as stupid or funny/ obnoxious as I want.

I've seen people that I don't have that rapport with give me odd glances when I'm cutting it up with a friend. He may have low self esteem. I tend toward this as well. It's very hard to rationalize my behavior. When I get tongue-tied or unable to hold up my end of a conversation I feel like a complete failure and crazy person. Some people like, bosses /managers, I avoid having to talk to them. I'm grateful that usually when I need to communicate regarding a work issue I can speak.

I would give him some space, but also ask why? I could give examples....Most guys hate shopping....Are you dragging him there? Frank a co-worker, one of my favorite people made fun of this man, who came shopping with his wife and wound up holding her purse. I hate football...I don't do games, football parties etc. I love gardening, my husband's hates any type of yard work.

You may want him to socialize with all your friends, my friends mostly seem to annoy my husband. I don't enjoy hanging out with his friends too much either. All they talk about is football, automobiles, jobs. It's very hard to answer your question.

[QuietCalamity]

Has he been to therapy? Most of us have something in our childhood that caused our anxiety, like being bullied or abused. It could be that he's pushing you away because he wants to reject you before you reject him. 6 months is around the time relationships start to get serious so he could be looking for a way out just to avoid the pain of rejection. Alternatively, he could need space to process his feelings. No one has the same way of coping so what he needs really depends on where his anxiety comes from and what coping skills he has.

Personally, I struggled with trusting that my (now) fiancé really loved me. It took me 2 or 3 years to get used to being loved. I would push him away when what I really wanted was for him to break down my walls. And he did.

My guess for the best thing to do is to give him space because that's what he asked for, but remind him that you are doing so because you care about what his feelings. Maybe send him little texts or Facebook messages just telling him you love him so that he can process and absorb that on his own. BUT mainly I'd say just go with your gut. At 6 months you know him pretty well.