Why do women stay with their abusers?

[Sagan]

It's easy to attempt to place some blame on the victim of abuse. "Well, she married him afterwards."

Often, they come from abusive families. Maybe her family fought physically over every disagreement. We don't know why the fiancé married her abuser, Mr. Rice. Maybe she was afraid to leave him. Maybe she thought she deserved his abuse. On any account, she is still a victim because he is bigger, stronger, more powerful than she is and he hits her.

You can ask Google, "why do women stay with their abusers?" and get many sites. Here's one with some reasons to a complicated question:
http://psychcentral.com/lib/why-wome...ng-men/0002648

I've worked at a women's (and family) shelter. These women are afraid and hurt, and leaving is usually the first step to making a better life for themselves. It takes a lot of courage. Sometimes they go back and everything works out after lots of counseling. Sometimes they go back and get killed. Sometimes they leave their abuser and still get killed.

One of the most dangerous things a victim can do is leave her abuser. The more dangerous thing they do is stay with their abuser. Let's try not to dismiss the violence heaped on victims just because they couldn't or didn't run at the first sign of it.

[Tinkerbell]

I was told that the person will leave when she/he is more afraid of staying than leaving.

[L]

I have a friend who needs help big time from her fucker of a boyfriend. Unfortunately she has a kid with him and lives across water. As a result of his way she has lost all ties with her family. Myself and two other friends are going to try take a trip to see her in January. I'm going to try book a weekend away for the four of us but I don't think he will allow her,

[Misssy]

life is abusive, it is hard to find a non-abuser so what is the point of staying or leaving ?

[life]

i totally agree that victims of abuse should not be blamed, just wish male victims had the same opportunities of escape as women do, seems to me that male victims of DV are forgotten http://www.theguardian.com/society/2...estic-violence Men have a lot to lose eg home, parenting rights, hell they could be arrested or forced to leave the family home when reporting the abuse

[Dak]

We live in a strange world today. People aren't willing to think, and they believe that the very concept of treating people with respect for who they are on the inside that counts entails being religious and pushing one's values upon others.

Victims often stay with abusers to avoid this paradigm. They believe in might makes right, and emotions before thoughts.

Unfortunately, many people need to learn from experience the problems with this paradigm. They're very stubborn against thinking before they act and embracing universal morals.

[Cuchculan]

The abuser will try and isolate the victim. No friends. No family. Just them. That way, you feel like you have nobody out there to run to. It will be done slowly over time. The abuser will be a charming person. To begin with. Even after the abuse they will still have that charm about them. so the victim, for those early days, will think it is not the person they married or got involved with. They are seeing the charmer. Not the monster. They won't want to believe that this monster exists. So most stay exactly where they are at. Why? They think if change can happen, they can make it happen, in a lot of cases. Because, in their eyes, this person was not always like this. Fact is, the person was always like that. But hid it away to suck the abused in. Make them feel safe. The abuser will be a control freak. In a sloe sort of way to start out. Nothing is done fast. So you get this false sense of a life that seems good. That is what you still try and hold onto after the abuse. I didn't say ' he ' or ' she ' for the abuser. It works both ways. Only I think if the male is the victim, the woman will be more direct about what they are doing. The male abuser might be a bit more cunning. Enough so to plan things out. Think his every step. If he has friends, they will know him as a caring person. Won't believe it if they hear of him as an abuser. The old charm school again.

[Chantellabella]

They don't leave because abusers mind [BEEP] them. They play a game with their prey just like a cat with a mouse.

They convince their victims of these things:
That they are incapable of rational thought
That they will not survive without them
That they are irresponsible and therefore will [BEEP] up their lives without the abuser
That they are crazy, dumb, and anything else that incapacitates them

Then they play a co-dependent game, but sicker

After they abuse, they profusely apologize
They may show tears of regret
They talk about their own sad childhood and how they were beaten, unloved, unwanted
They blame themselves (this is a lie btw because they only "say" they blame themselves.............they don't really believe they are guilty)

Then they go through a "honeymoon period"
They are the perfect partner
They do everything the victim asks
They get holy all of a sudden
They say that therapy is working and they will never hurt you again

This period lulls the victim back because after all, they were mind fucked into thinking they can't make it out in the world alone

The abuser quickly grows tired of the honeymoon
Why?
Because he or she is wired into thinking that they are a "victim"
They start to resent the true victim because they are being put out.............you know, all that helping them and respecting them can wear thin on an abuser
They feel "victimized" because now "their" needs are not always being met

And then what happens when they feel victimized?
They get angry
They start verbally attacking the victim - you "never" give me what I need......"You're flawed, stupid, dumb, inept"
They see their victim as an abuser

Then they hit
They push
They fight
As though that "fixes" their own sorry [BEEP] unfinished baggage from their family of origin or from being bullied or from having an enabling parent who let them get away with selfish 2 year old temper tantrums

Then what happens to the victim now?
They blame themselves for making the abuser angry
They think they somehow messed up this perfect person because that's what they were told by this "almighty omnipotent asshole"

And because they see themselves once again as the cause of the problem, they stay to rescue the relationship (co-dependent triangle once again)

It takes someone on the outside of that relationship to convince the victim to get out and stay away.
And it often takes about 6 or 7 times of leaving the abuser, before the victim can truly see that the abuser will not change
If they are gone long enough, they can see the cycle of abuse play over and over
Much like a co-dependent person can see a co-dependent or drama triangle play out if taken out of the triangle

So it's a game that is very hard to get out on your own
It's not because a victim wants it
It's because a victim is brainwashed into believing they can't get out

[fetisha]

I'm guessing society thinks women always needs a husband or thinks they can't able to take care of themselves alone or be self reliant. Some used to think something is wrong with her if she is still single or not married especially in inda. I don't know really.

[lethargic nomad]

My sister was with an abusive boyfriend for 2 years. She seemed like she had lost her mind for a while there. Like one time I asked if they were using birth control and she said no, that they want to have a baby. Thank god, more than likely she is infertile and did not get pregnant.

Totally bizarre. The guy was still officially married to his ex-wife. My sister had no job. The guy had a job but his money would disappear mysteriously. I know he was helping his family back in the middle-east but that couldn't account for all of it. So for several months my sister was trying desperately to borrow money from all sorts of different people because they couldn't support themselves. How can 2 healthy people not be able to support themselves?

She also seemed like she had lost her long-term memory. He would be nice for a while and all was good. And if I bad mouthed the guy she would get pissed at me. Of course, within a few days they'd have another horrific fight.

When she stayed at my place I witnessed just how messed up the relationship was. The whole time she was constantly texting back and forth with him. And he would make little videos or take photos of her dog (which he was watching).

One moment, "I miss you, hunny bunny. "

Then a few minutes later, "You lying, cheating, [BEEP] [BEEP]! I hate you. You are a good for nothing, piece of [BEEP]! Fucking [BEEP]!! No one loves you. Your family doesn't give a [BEEP] about you. You are worthless!!"

[HoldTheSea]

The abuser will try and isolate the victim. No friends. No family. Just them. That way, you feel like you have nobody out there to run to. It will be done slowly over time. The abuser will be a charming person. To begin with. Even after the abuse they will still have that charm about them. so the victim, for those early days, will think it is not the person they married or got involved with. They are seeing the charmer. Not the monster. They won't want to believe that this monster exists. So most stay exactly where they are at. Why? They think if change can happen, they can make it happen, in a lot of cases. Because, in their eyes, this person was not always like this. Fact is, the person was always like that. But hid it away to suck the abused in. Make them feel safe. The abuser will be a control freak. In a sloe sort of way to start out. Nothing is done fast. So you get this false sense of a life that seems good. That is what you still try and hold onto after the abuse. I didn't say ' he ' or ' she ' for the abuser. It works both ways. Only I think if the male is the victim, the woman will be more direct about what they are doing. The male abuser might be a bit more cunning. Enough so to plan things out. Think his every step. If he has friends, they will know him as a caring person. Won't believe it if they hear of him as an abuser. The old charm school again.

...

Everything you two have said in this thread is a perfect description of my partner. That is so sickening. He was a classic, textbook abuser.
The part about the abuser seeing the victim as an abuser... that really struck a nerve. He always made the claim that I was abusive.
He was a disgusting, sick man. He ruined my life but he also ruined my friends' lives, the extent of the abuse wasn't limited to just me. I made a thread about the whole situation, it was really messed up.
It's good to get some closure and hear it confirmed from other people that he was abusive and that it wasn't my fault.

[PinkButterfly]

When I stayed with my ex husband it was because he would beat me so bad that I would be scared to leave or he would say I wont ever do it again but of course he did do it again then he would say he would kill himself so finally I left and refused to be sucked back in again my son needed a stable home and thankfully he was not my sons father!! He did go on to marry again and he beat her worse then he beat me I would see her out with black eyes and bruises she even called me once at work and asked me if it was her fault or his I told her to get out and leave now take your kids and go but she didn't she stayed and ended up pregnant so then finally she did leave and she ended up with cancer beat that so praise God she is doing so good she is remarried and so happy!!! I did call the law they wouldn't do anything to him.

[Antidote]

My mum was in an abusive marriage (her first marriage, I wasn't born yet). Her husband was physically and emotionally abusive and was almost certainly cheating (my mum never confronted him on that because by that stage she didn't care, she was just looking for a way to escape). Leaving was this whole ordeal because she had a son (my half brother). She had to plan on leaving when her husband was away at work. He was a school teacher and had to go on a camp for a week. So my mum took the opportunity to pack up and leave. She stayed at a friend's house for a few days, then caught a flight to Dominican Republic which is where she's from. It just so happens that at the time, the Dominican Republic had one of the easiest divorce processes in the world for Dominican citizens. This means she could get a divorce without her husband even knowing. Also helped that one of her brothers and her dad were in law.