So I'm a 15 year old girl, and I've recently been exploring more about me and my personality and my psychological well being. The one person that I talk to about these things is my best friend, Sophie. She was talking to me a while back and telling me that she had taken a bunch of online tests and they'd diagnosed her with SAD (social anxiety disorder, though all of you here obviously know what that is). She told me the symptoms and why the tests were diagnosing her, and i related to every single thing she said. I didn't tell her though, because I didn't want to seem like an attention whore. This is always something I struggle with, Sophie and I are very similar, but she is an extrovert and has more friends than me and just generally knows more people, so if I do anything like her, I always feel like I'm copying her and people are judging me for it. But anyways, I did my research and I think I do have SAD or GAD, unsure which. But there is one thing I'm unsure of. (I'm now realizing I probably should have submitted this under GAD ... well whatever). And that is panic attacks. I have one other friend, who is a year older than me and goes to a different school, so we mainly communicate by texting and tumblr, and she has GAD and SAD, OCD, insomnia, suicidal tendencies, and clinical depression, and she has frequent panic attacks. Anyways, the thing I'm not sure about is whether or not I've had panic attacks or not.
I have had times (for big things and for small) when I did feel kind of panicky. For example, before I had a really big math test, that could determine my continued honors track or demotation to the regular math class, I kind of freaked out. My heart rate sped up a TON, and I had trouble breathing, felt kind of nauseus, my eyes watered a bit, and my hands wouldn't stop shaking. I don't know if this is a panic attack or not, and no one noticed because everyone else was also very worried about the test.
Also, unrelated from panic attacks but also something that I feel might be saying I do have SAD, or might not. So a couple weeks ago, we had something strange and new instead of usual rehearsal during school chamber choir. We had a confession circle type of thing, where we could say anything we wanted to the group, in an "if you really knew me" phrase. Most people started crying, and the room was quiet except for tears and quiet voices. I was the only person in my group that didn't share anything, not because I didn't have an secrets or issues in my life, but because I was afraid anything I said would be judged, if I said a small issue it would look like a had a perfect life, which is untrue, and if I said a big issue I would look like an attention whore. Anyways, I don't know if that is just an irrational fear or personality trait, or a sign that I had SAD.
Please give me any advice you have, I don't know what to do, what to think anymore.
It's not a clearly defined line of "I suffer from SAD/GAD/*insert disorder here*" or not. You may find in some aspects of your life that you think it applies, where some it does not. You still have a lot of developing to do at your age and you may find it will get easier or harder over time. Hell, even at 22 I still find my SAD to be evolving in both positive and negative ways. All I can suggest is to not paint yourself with labels.
Yes you may obsess about what others think about you. Yes you may have panic attacks. Yes you may have trouble speaking about personal matters. Those things should not define you. This site is a wonderful resource with some great people who will understand your hardships. Everybody copes differently. You may find that some people have methods of dealing with anxiety that work better for you than others. As I said, it is far from a clear cut line.
Now for advice. Anxiety attacks are something I have seldom dealt with. I consider myself lucky that walking around outside for a few minutes can usually cut through an attack. I wish I had words of advice for not being able to speak up, but that is definitely my weak spot in life. This is true one on one, in a small group, large group, etc. I fear way too much that I will say something wrong and people with either laugh at me, shun me, or what have you.
If you ever need someone to talk to when you're having a rough time, feel free to shoot me a message. I'm sure a lot of other people here would be happy to talk as well!
It's good that you are doing so much to learn more about yourself and grow! Online tests are not necessarily a good indicator of mental health, though. Usually people take those tests looking to find something "wrong" with them. I'd say it's basically normal for someone your age to feel social anxiety, and it's possible to have a panic attacks but not necessarily have an anxiety disorder. High school is stressful!
However, if you feel like anxiety is getting in the way of how you want to live your life (and it sounds like you do), I highly recommend seeing your school counselor. They can help with a lot of things.
Personally, I think anxiety is normal. It's just sometimes for some of us it is extreme. It differs for everyone. I've only had one or two panic attacks ever. However, I am what I call an "avoider" I am the person who will walk two miles out of my way not to have to talk to someone who causes me stress. I am that person who would sit and hide out at home away from my fear, "people and how they hate me" for weeks at a time.
I have to be in a very good and calm mood before I'll go get my hair cut and then sometimes it takes a lot of self talk about how it's not so bad you can do it etc. I want to go fill out a job application, but I need to be less stressed and my husband's stress level is high right now and it's sending mine though the roof. My anxiety has at times been severe. At times it is not bad. Right now despite my husband being laid off I'm not too bad.
The worst thing I think about my anxiety is that often I think I'm less than someone else. Way back in high school, I was such a nerdy loser. I had acne. I was poor. I didn't have nice clothes. All these things are so superficial but I think that's high school and that does diminish the older you get. However, I'm probably one of the oldest on here. Yet, I've lived through some things that have been difficult and threw me into a bout with depression. My middle child has an extremely rare form of spina bifida and she had several surgeries. I had two cancer scares, no cancer but I had to get biopsies and a hysterectomy. I was very anemic which can cause anxiety or worsen symptoms of anxiety.
I'm doing better now. I'm making more of an effort to be friendlier and do the things that I want to regardless of how much fear I have and by doing this my life is getting better. Yet, I do relapse and I still sometimes love to retreat from people and be all alone. I just realize that I can't hide all the time.
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