I wanted to save this for when I was all better, but I feel like it would be less strain on me just to explain why I have deconverted from Christianity, this time for good. This story itself is kind of long, so I am going to try to give the short version in case some tell me tl;dr. I feel like there needs to be some record of what has happened... as a warning to anyone who thinks that Christianity is a religion of hope and peace, I have learned that, at least psychologically, it's a religion that will break you. It will control you. It will take your mind and turn it into mush faster than J-Lo's new music video (ok, maybe not as bad, since what they speak of is worth some information digging, even if what they say is truly wrong).
For most of my entire life, I knew I was different from other people. Back in the 90's/early 2000's, it was NOT a good time to be a religious gamer... at all. Yeah, those of you about 5-6 years younger than me can remain religious or not and play Magic: The Gathering with very little problems, but 11 years ago, you would get condemned for it being witchcraft, both you and your friends. For me, it was by my own parents. My own parents threw away my Magic: The Gathering collection (including an original Royal Assassin which I could've definitely gotten money for today), tried to pull me away from my friends, and hang out with 'real Christian friends'.
Those real Christian friends happened to be a girl ringleading a couple dozen guys and girls from a youth group in the North end of Las Vegas. I remember her always never wanting to talk to me, told I was creepy, a lot of my triggers came from high school. When trying to explain it to my parents, their solution was to keep going and do whatever I can to please them. So like the naive moron I was back then, I did, and the more I tried to please, the worse it got for me. A couple months later I went back to my old group of friends and got a lot of flack from my mother.
Funny part was, four years later, everything got exposed just how much of a bunch of cunts they all were. My parents still wouldn't believe me until 2-3 years AFTER I graduated from high school. I was always told by them later on that it was simply God "testing me" and I was just told to "forgive" them and move on. As if that would make me feel any better. Little did I know a few years later I learned about double standards within Christianity, where there is a separate rule book if you blindly follow conservatise Christianity and Republicanism against the rest of us, that being liberal Christians, moderate Christians, and the rest of the religions. Church always told me to forgive them if I wanted to go to heaven, but they can do whatever they want to me, and I'm not allowed any payback, any justice.
Like an idiot, I tried to forget. It interrupted my studies a bit in college but I managed to get a 3.5 GPA, graduated double-major in Computer Science and Computer Engineering with a minor in mathematics, then got a Master's in Electrical Engineering, department and university honors at University of Nevada, Las Vegas. On paper, I shouldn't have any problems finding a job, or you'd think so. Then the worst recession hit in our American history. The same conservatives that constantly told my parents to take your kids to college, get them a good education, were now TURNING THEIR FUCKING BACKS on it all and calling us suckers for ever thinking about going to college in the first place. (See Tea Party.)
Also in college, I joined a forum called ChristianForums which I stayed from 2004 to the beginning of 2014. Ten years. During that time, I had seen conservatives there grow more and more heartless. One person in particular I remember showing his face around starting 2008 was Bricklayer. This 50-year old mason (as far as I know) lived somewhere in Minnesota and there was always something about him that made me start to snap. He acted as if he was speaking for God and blessing God for all the wonderful "blessings" that he got in his life. Nevermind he admitted to being a tax-dodger and stabbed some kid with a spade, but I digress. He was the true definition of double standard as far as I saw. He could cheat on his taxes, lie to the police, hurt people psychologically and physically, and he expects to not just be forgiven and overlooked, but PRAISED for it. WTF?
Around this time Michael Savage (my least favorite talk show host if anyone knew) went on a tirade about how the only true patriots were those making $250,000 or more a year, because of something Obama said about a cutoff in taxes set to about $250k at the time.
I spent two years with a dwindling savings trying to make ends meet somehow, and right before I was down to my last $500, I got a job as a software engineer in a company I won't mention here. There I met a supervisor who I felt was, for once, a Christian who stood on his word. For three years he was my supervisor and eventually left, in order to start a business of his own. I was going to help him build a website until I found out my body was not feeling so well. I had to go to a quick care center to take care of a thumb that was somehow dislocating itself, and they checked my hemoglobin. 5.3. They sent me to the ER and for the first time in my life I had to go to the hospital.
They gave me 4 blood transfusions and 2 IV iron therapies. Unfortunately, I had another problem I was slowly learning. For some reason, I couldn't stop going to the bathroom. I had bathroom issues before in the past, but the month of February was like nothing I ever realized. I don't know what happened to me at the time, but around March 3, I went back to the ER, to learn I was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease and that I have had this illness since 2007 at the latest.
My parents picked me up from the hospital and started yelling at me at how much of a burden I caused them and am about to cause them. My mother put me on a strict diet and over the next couple months, physically at least, was nursed back to health. And I do thank my parents for physically bringing me back to health. What I wasn't thankful for, however, was my ex-supervisor making his intentions clear that he wanted me off the internet, as if being on the internet was the reason I had Crohn's Disease. He attempted to pull me away from my two best friends, and succeeded for a while with one of them, all the while trying to get me to church where I can be his church's little side show act for everyone to tease and mentally torture if they so please.
All this, him causing my life to fall apart, he felt was God's will, and during my first remicade day he smiled, SMILED as my world fell apart, and said he only came to bring good news. Good news my ass. The only good news he could tell me now is an apology and after several months, even that isn't enough.
It took me getting Crohn's Disease and letting the three authorities in my life tear my world apart to FINALLY make me realize God did not have his best interest at heart for me, if he ever did at all. I swore off God in the beginning of July, and lo and behold, I actually started to get better. When I prayed to God to ask him to help me back in March, while physically I might have been getting a little better, in every other aspect I was feeling broken, defeated. My parents' plan was to have me back at work in July, but my primary care physician had other plans, and set it to September. My current supervisor(s) are still waiting for me as I could not go back in September under these particular conditions, and thus I will return in December. They even made a remark that my diet was too strict that it could cause problems in the workplace.
What I learned about this disease was heart-wrenching and extremely stressful for me. Stories of people that lost it all trying to treat their disease. The savings I saved up for 3 years, could potentially vanish. If it wasn't for doing the PTC/GPT sites I am doing (with a new record of $112 made today, yay!) I would've probably started going down that same path too.
I met my girlfriend Maggie in August, and she had slowly started to soothe me, as best as she could. She also provided as a safe haven, away from the authorities in my life, only having to see my parents no more than twice a week and my ex-supervisor once every month now if that.
But what I had learned from it all was simple. God did not have my best interest at heart. I reread the Bible again and turned to Matthew, where I read that Jesus "did not come in peace, but as a sword." Suddenly I should've realized, it was right there all along! Jesus does not praise peacemakers. He praises those who go out and proselytize in his name. He praises those who find any way they can to attack and psychologically damage gays, lesbians, transsexuals, nerds, atheists, liberals, all kinds of people who they feel do not belong in the kingdom of Heaven.
He shuns the decent human beings. The ones who I consider decent Christians I can count on ONE FUCKING HAND and most of them constantly question their faith. Think about that. I came to the conclusion that Christian and sociopath were one and the same, and I wanted out of the religion. I'm sick of double standards. I'm sick of having to work 5 times as hard to get the same results as one of these pieces of dog shit
I'm convinced God's plan for me was to make me dwindle my savings, lose my job, stress out endlessly and be constantly at the mercy of my parents until I was dragged out of shelter to die homeless and on the streets. I can't NOT believe that a God exists, I hate to believe that I have such abhorrent bad luck simply by chance. But do I love such God and want to have a personal relationship with said person? OH [BEEP] NO. Not anymore. There is something to be said when I constantly got better in all aspects AFTER I shooed God away from my life and constantly got worse when I let him back in. I keep hearing it's because he's testing me. How many more years of "testing" must I endure before he stops? 20? 30? Does this keep going till I die?
And why do these Christian sociopaths get away very light on their "tests"? Why do they constantly think they are persecuted when they practically own the country? Look at tonight's election! They're retaking control of the Senate as I type this because enough fucking idiots are electing these corrupt religious right sociopaths back into office. And we have people like Michael Savage to thank for giving the marching orders.
I have not learned whether or not a God truly exists which I guess makes me some weird Agnostic Deist thing today, but I have to only hope he does exist, because the amount of bad luck I have had to endure in my life would be enough to drive anyone crazy. Psychologists have told me I had dealt with enough trauma to deal with several lifetimes BEFORE Crohn's Disease. Now my psych finds it a wonder that I am functioning as well as I am.
Again, I sound like a broken record. Sick of the double standards. Sick of being told my Crohn's Disease was a result of me not loving God enough mixed with not eating healthy, and sick of hearing how much wonderful other Christians' lives, whether it was those popular kids in high school, bricklayer, or my ex-supervisor, are. They have no remorse. Why should they? It's against God's word to have remorse for the pain that you cause. It's good for them! Right? It's great for Christians to go out and thump their Bibles at people every day.
And I hope, if I do return to college, PLEASE PLEASE let Ray Comfort, Kirk Cameron, any other conservative Christian ministry (save Jews for Jesus) come in. I won't make it a welcome visit for them. At all.
My life got better away from God, which convinces me, again, that God's destiny for me was to die homeless on the streets, instead of going down fighting in a hospital bed. Too bad, I'm flipping the script on him.
[BEEP] Michael Savage. [BEEP] conservatives. [BEEP] Christanity. I am done.
Really sorry to hear....it's just the same kinda abuse most religious types sling out. I believe religion was created for control, because humans themselves are the deepest evil there is. all they want is to control others. greed, control, power....it's all they want.
Make people a promise of something (eternal life) that they will never have no matter what (until maybe the day technology gets to the point death is seen as a preventable disease) and they'll just eat from yer hand like sheep.
I have a really bad view on religion after some serious issues with such people literally trying to cause me harm, and they have an excuse for everything.
If saaay a christian person tho I know is kind, just believes in god and doesnt do any of that weird/bad [BEEP] i have no probs with em, but otherwise, yeaaaah.....they need to stay away from me lol
I'm glad you made a desicion to make life better for you.
Well, my situation right now is I HAVE to keep my ex-supervisor and my parents in my life until my girlfriend and I start living together, or things would start to look suspicious.
Eventually I plan to polish this up and put this on my blog and hopefully turn a few heads in the process.
My entire life, as a born-again Christian, I was the most miserable son of a [BEEP] in the world. Life was a constant struggle socially, mentally, physically, and financially. You have no idea how much better life has gotten in the four months I gave up on God. The only thing that makes life tougher right now is that I have to eventually reveal to everyone the truth about my deep beliefs that the words Christian and sociopath truly go hand-in-hand. Well... at least the words conservative Christian and sociopath do.
Granted, financially it's still going to be a challenge. Physically it's still gonna be a challenge. But mentally and socially I have improved in leaps and bounds. My psych even thinks so. And financially I hope my quest to find the PTC sites I can find will allow me to make some extra income while I look for another job.
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