Self-Forgiveness: How?

[QCat1]

I think I know what my main problem is. I think it's my inability to forgive myself, or really just forgive and let go in general. (but I figure that I need to learn to forgive myself before I'm even able to learn how to forgive others)

Long story short: I dated someone who had some abusive tendencies. Realized she had a lot of control over me, to the point where I didn't feel my own happiness was valid until noticed and approved by her. So, I cut her off, kicked her out of my life. But I did it in a very mean, abrupt, and maybe even mentally abusive way. It was wrong, I know, but I felt I had no choice because if I had done it in a nice and proper way, she would have never left my life (she's refused to leave my life on plenty of occasions) and I couldn't have that. I had to eliminate the possibility of her contacting me and wanting me back in her life because she is my weakness and I know myself; the second she comes running back, I know I'd let her back in. So, I had to make it so that SHE ALSO does not want me in her life. I had to be awful to keep her away...

I don't necessarily "regret" what I did...but I'm having a hard time forgiving myself. I guess I'm also just jealous because she now has a new girlfriend and is all happy and never thinking about me at all while I'm all alone and losing sleep over what I did to her and yadda yadda yadda. But whatever, that's beside the point and I need to just get over that because she deserves to be happy and I don't want her anyway!!

POINT IS: I can't seem to let her go. I can't seem to move on. I can't seem to forgive myself. And I am trying, so hard. Therapy, writing, yoga, meditation, positive self-affirmations, appealing to my logic, singing "let it go" at the top of my lungs over and over again etc. it's not working, none of it. I keep having flashbacks of me and her, and hopes for our future...why? I know that we were both not good for each other for sooooo many reasons. I know that she was a huge stressor and trigger in my life. I know that she had a lot of control over me...why? Why do I keep yearning for her to be back in my life, still? My feelings are just so illogical and it pisses me the hell off.

So, I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for the way I feel and also for what I did to her...I'll be honest, she was no cakewalk either, but I was not a good girlfriend. I wasn't. I know that and I keep telling myself that I've learned and that I'll be better come my next relationship but...it's still so hard to forgive. I look back on past things that I did to her....I hear stories of people who have had to deal with someone doing things to them, the same things I did to her, and hearing how awfully they think of that person and I internalize it because...I was that person...I was that awful fucking person and I don't understand why I did what I did and how I can ever forgive myself.....I don't know. Do I even deserve to forgive myself? I don't know.

All I know is that my inability to forgive myself is making it harder to forgive others and let things go, which is fueling this fiery pit of anger that always seems to be thriving inside of me....and I wanna get rid of it. I don't want to be angry, anymore. I don't want to hold grudges or be hateful of anyone, especially myself. I want to live. I want to be happy.

I just don't know how. Any....idk...advice? Similar experiences? idk

Also, I'm new here so...hello!!

[Chantellabella]

I think I know what my main problem is. I think it's my inability to forgive myself, or really just forgive and let go in general. (but I figure that I need to learn to forgive myself before I'm even able to learn how to forgive others)

Long story short: I dated someone who had some abusive tendencies. Realized she had a lot of control over me, to the point where I didn't feel my own happiness was valid until noticed and approved by her. So, I cut her off, kicked her out of my life. But I did it in a very mean, abrupt, and maybe even mentally abusive way. It was wrong, I know, but I felt I had no choice because if I had done it in a nice and proper way, she would have never left my life (she's refused to leave my life on plenty of occasions) and I couldn't have that. I had to eliminate the possibility of her contacting me and wanting me back in her life because she is my weakness and I know myself; the second she comes running back, I know I'd let her back in. So, I had to make it so that SHE ALSO does not want me in her life. I had to be awful to keep her away...

I don't necessarily "regret" what I did...but I'm having a hard time forgiving myself. I guess I'm also just jealous because she now has a new girlfriend and is all happy and never thinking about me at all while I'm all alone and losing sleep over what I did to her and yadda yadda yadda. But whatever, that's beside the point and I need to just get over that because she deserves to be happy and I don't want her anyway!!

POINT IS: I can't seem to let her go. I can't seem to move on. I can't seem to forgive myself. And I am trying, so hard. Therapy, writing, yoga, meditation, positive self-affirmations, appealing to my logic, singing "let it go" at the top of my lungs over and over again etc. it's not working, none of it. I keep having flashbacks of me and her, and hopes for our future...why? I know that we were both not good for each other for sooooo many reasons. I know that she was a huge stressor and trigger in my life. I know that she had a lot of control over me...why? Why do I keep yearning for her to be back in my life, still? My feelings are just so illogical and it pisses me the hell off.

So, I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for the way I feel and also for what I did to her...I'll be honest, she was no cakewalk either, but I was not a good girlfriend. I wasn't. I know that and I keep telling myself that I've learned and that I'll be better come my next relationship but...it's still so hard to forgive. I look back on past things that I did to her....I hear stories of people who have had to deal with someone doing things to them, the same things I did to her, and hearing how awfully they think of that person and I internalize it because...I was that person...I was that awful fucking person and I don't understand why I did what I did and how I can ever forgive myself.....I don't know. Do I even deserve to forgive myself? I don't know.

All I know is that my inability to forgive myself is making it harder to forgive others and let things go, which is fueling this fiery pit of anger that always seems to be thriving inside of me....and I wanna get rid of it. I don't want to be angry, anymore. I don't want to hold grudges or be hateful of anyone, especially myself. I want to live. I want to be happy.

I just don't know how. Any....idk...advice? Similar experiences? idk

Also, I'm new here so...hello!!

Hi QCat1 and welcome to the forum! Self forgiveness can be a difficult thing to overcome. I do that often also.

One of the things I've learned though is that hanging on to guilt..........either blaming myself or blaming another..............doesn't solve much. All it does is make me continue to feel bad.

So I've learned to shrug it off as a lesson learned. We're all flawed and we'll all make mistakes. We can't change the past either. So maybe look ahead at not doing the same thing next time? I know that helps me let something go.

Again, welcome to the forum.

[Inscrutable Banana]

If you felt the situation was abusive and unhealthy then that simply means you did what was best for you (for both of you, really) by leaving. Perhaps it could have been handled more elegantly, but life often puts us into positions where we have to make less-than-ideal decisions—that's not something you should be too hard on yourself about as it happens to all of us. Ultimately, you'll be better off in the long run for not allowing yourself to stay in a relationship which you felt was doing more harm to you than good. You'll probably have that lingering sense of envy about her moving on with her life for a little while longer, but eventually that will fade. Avoid doing things that remind you of her, do things you enjoy to distract you, and take some time to do a bit of soul searching.