Now where I've got a night where I don't have to cram for a test, I feel like a *need* to be enjoying myself. The pressure is on. Can't I ever just let myself relax? Everything's got to be an issue.
killer of conversations
Now where I've got a night where I don't have to cram for a test, I feel like a *need* to be enjoying myself. The pressure is on. Can't I ever just let myself relax? Everything's got to be an issue.
I got like nothing done today but it was all stressful. Also DHS is a bitch.
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. -- Maya Angelou
killer of conversations
Skipping our 2hr block of computer class didn't buy me any time. It took me that long to get home. Wtf?? And I'm still trying to warm up from earlier. I love colder weather, but I wasn't ready for this. Yesterday while waiting for bus #2 I was sweating. No exaggeration, today felt like winter ffs especially with the crazy wind. I can't get over how cold it is >.<. My second bus is usually a 25min wait. I don't know what I'll do in the winter...I guess just bundle up really well? Being in an unfamiliar city is so scary.
I guess my phone tells me where I am all the time though, so there's that. There's gotta be somewhere close I can go to sit and wait for that bus. I'll do a street map search later and see what I can find. It's just this random street. No shelter, just a pole lol. IT WAS SO COLD. How is that possible after yesterday? I need boots now...guess who doesn't have time to shop for boots? Meeee. Well imma make time. Don't have a proper jacket either.
My third bus was nearly an hour wait. I don't know if my timing sucked or what but that's the longest I've ever had to wait for that one. Thankfully, there's a place for me to stay warm there. I thought I'd be more awake today. Minimal meds, normal sleep, + coffee. What happened? I was jerked out of a half-asleep state about a dozen times on the way home. Every time I blinked, it felt like my eyelids were glued together. This is starting to feel like the working at the optical lab all over again, except I can't come home from campus and take fucking naps - I need to be awake and focused.
Sorry I've been gone all. I've been on a lot of sites trying to make enough money to make some sort of living for the 3 months I have no income before work starts...Yeah, got postponed to Dec. 10
So I gotta get up and go to college tomorrow, and I sort of left it last week after having a panic attack. I'm hoping no one noticed, and it's gonna be awkward.
I'M GONNA FIGHT 'EM ALL
A SEVEN NATION ARMY COULDN'T HOLD ME BACK.......
Getting pulled out of my comfort zone.
My cousin from Ontario is here and made it his goal to rid me of my stupid virginity. The thought is nice and all, but I'm a piece of [BEEP] who can't handle talking to women. Even when they're served up to me on a silver platter.
I hate to say it, but I fucking told you so. I told you that nothing good would come out of this. Finally try again, only to get shut down hard. I want to die right now.
Gonna be taking eight buses today! That's pretty much four hours on the bus/waiting at stops. Friday pls come faster.
Hi
Trailing my previous post here, I've gone over the deep end. I feel terrible right now and just broke down crying in front of my family. I'm currently hiding in the bathroom...I don't know what to do with myself.
killer of conversations
Just...tests. Too many fucking tests. WAY too many. I can't even enjoy myself for a few hours. All I needed to do was meet some people in the wedding party and I just wanted to bawl my eyes out the whole time thinking of all the time I was wasting and all the sleep I'd lose having to study when I got home to make up for lost time.
I fucking hate every part of my day now. Why is there a test every second day? You can't teach us something and test us on it two days later. And that one teacher - PLEASE replace her. She is such a bitch. It's clear that she doesn't want to be there, isn't a very big fan of us, and marks too slowly. This course moves far too fast for her to be taking two weeks to give us our test back when everyone else takes two days. Nobody can even ask a question without getting some bitchy response. Can she leave? Clearly she wants to. Thanks!
I made a mistake at work. I have extremely high expectations of myself and I felt horrible that I didn't think to do it right the first time. Then I get SO anxious when I am corrected by someone that I usual cry, which made me feel like an idiot. I really hope no one noticed but I have no idea.
Then I went shopping for my work party Halloween costume (which no one is probably even going to get) and ended buying more clothes than I could afford, and none of them are what I was shopping for. I just wanted to feel better about myself, but now I feel worse.
I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. -- Maya Angelou
I was going to come here and sort of rant about my stupid job but now it has passed and I am just glad my work week is over. Don't really feel like ranting anymore. The rant is mainly about how my own company is the main issue. I have a customer who was having an expensive and large shipment going to her, she ordered it a month ago, when I checked to see how far it had to travel, the travel time is literally one day or less by ground. So I contacted my shipping department and I implored them numerously to facilitate one phone call that would progress the situation. Yet it just didn't flipping happen. I felt like a loser that such a simple thing we could not get our crap together to finish the flipping job. And really I don't have control over it, I'm mainly just there as the customer's punching bag. That is what they pay me for. They don't really expect me to have any power to get anything done. Yah That is it.
Oh, I forgot to mention the travel time is one day or less.
The customer ordered the stuff almost a month ago now. That is what we do. That is what we sell for service. And I really have no way to explain it to the customers because I've never met the people who work in our shipping department. They work somewhere in our building but we never go there it is sort of off limits. My job is not about factual explanations, my mind is so boring and simple. I've lost any ability to screw around.
When customers ask me these questions I want to just be able to tell them the truth.. your stuff is sitting in a warehouse 20 minutes away from the delivery point but it's just sitting there because we don't make phone calls. It's just sitting there because the people who run this company don't pay attention to these things, they are looking at profit pie charts in their dreams at night.
Oh That reminds me I have chicken soup waiting
I don't feel necessarily ashamed, but a bit frustrated and upset that I've never been in a relationship before. I have no experience in regards to dating, or even flirting; never have I held anyone's hand before, the last time I received a hug was over a year ago from a 'friend,' never have kissed or cuddled anyone, etc. I know plenty of it is due to my social ineptness and anxiety, and I come across as aloof or maybe too nervous for anyone to want to approach me. But I hate whenever I hear people around me talk about their partners, especially a friend of mine who I've been crushing on, even if slightly, talk about his past relationship(s). Meanwhile, I have nothing. I feel broken because of it, like there's something incredibly wrong with me, even if that isn't the case. Sure, I'm not the most attractive guy, but I can't be completely undesirable.. who knows. I'm just tired of feeling incredibly lonely. Hardly any friends, no relationships to speak of, nobody I can talk to on a personal level. I sometimes wonder I'll ever be with anyone, or have a chance. I'm far too inept for anyone.
Hexagon
I'm right there with you. It's a vicious circle of thought that is hard to break out of.
I know someone that also cant sleep. It's not easy to deal with. He sleeps when he can so don't fight it if and when it comes. Good luck.
having totally crippling anxiety!!!
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