What to do about this harassment on another forum?

[Antidote]

I've been harassed for 3 years on another forum (you can probably guess which) by a member with whom I had a relationship. The harassment started promptly after I ended things, and it's starting to wear me down. I have reported what I could to mods and he's received at least one warning, but much of what he posts is passive aggressive and can't be proven to be aimed at me. He typically follows me into threads and posts something snarky; it may be a dig at a personal vulnerability of mine (which I don't post about publicly so I can't 'prove' it's aimed at me), attack of my personality traits, and education (the latter is something he's insecure about because I'm more educated than he is), a justification of his ill treatment of me in our relationship, or occasionally aggressive posts (one where he implied I'm better off dead, the mods did remove that comment). Other times he just tries to justify his spiteful and obnoxious behavior towards me on the forums by implying I have a 'victim mentality' for reporting him and that somehow his online conduct towards me is socially acceptable. I originally gave him a lot of benefit of the doubt because when we first broke up he was very depressed, and I understood why he'd feel bitter and hurt.

But it's gone on so long. And I've tried to avoid triggering him by 1) avoiding posting on certain topics, 2) keeping posts general and vague, and 3) I rarely post in a thread he's already posted in (I can only recall doing it once). I've discussed this issue with mods, but they haven't been of much help. They said they could give me a new account so he couldn't track me down so easily on there. But there's a risk he'd discover me, I'm attached to my account and they can only issue a permanent ban, which makes it potentially look like I did something wrong and was banned (since they no longer permit user requested bans). And I don't like how that may impact my reputation (even though I don't have that much of one there, but still...). So I guess I want feedback on what others here would do in my situation?

[Inscrutable Banana]

I'm not sure. He doesn't sound like he'd respond to a direct attempt at reasoning with him, and since he specifically tries to keep his antagonizing behavior indirect enough to not give mods a clear reason to take action it's hard to get an official response either.

You could continue with your efforts to avoid or ignore him (add him to your ignore list on the forum if you haven't already), which would also mean not reporting or doing something else that might let him know he's getting to you—when people do things like they they're looking to get any response out of you. It's possible that after a while he may become more brazen due to frustration and finally make a post obviously antagonistic enough for the mods to take meaningful action. It's also possible that he may finally get bored, but given the fact that it has already gone on as long as it has, that may not be the case.

It's risky, but you could fight his passive aggressiveness with your own in an attempt to get him to crack and let enough of his malicious intent through to get the attention of mods. This does carry the risk of backfiring on you, though...so caution would be strongly advised.

[Antidote]

I'm not sure. He doesn't sound like he'd respond to a direct attempt at reasoning with him, and since he specifically tries to keep his antagonizing behavior indirect enough to not give mods a clear reason to take action it's hard to get an official response either.

You could continue with your efforts to avoid or ignore him (add him to your ignore list on the forum if you haven't already), which would also mean not reporting or doing something else that might let him know he's getting to you—when people do things like they they're looking to get any response out of you. It's possible that after a while he may become more brazen due to frustration and finally make a post obviously antagonistic enough for the mods to take meaningful action. It's also possible that he may finally get bored, although give the fact that it has already gone on long enough to indicate it he may not.

Yeah I agree that ANY reaction would please him that he's 'got' to me. The thing is, my self-esteem isn't that fragile, and when I see him posting these things I see it as more about him than me. But say, the last post he made where he implied that everyone would be better off if I was dead, was kind of scary. If that's how angry he is after this length of time I don't know what he's capable of. And unfortunately we live in the same city... so I actually felt somewhat threatened.

I've only reported him twice in 3 years. I've done the best I could to ignore almost EVERYTHING. But the first time I reported him was where he quoted me and personally attacked me, and the second time was that threatening post. I thought maybe, if I only deal with him in a detached way (i.e. through a system / mods), it would discourage him because I'm not showing a personal / emotional reaction. But I think reporting him just made him angrier because I think he's ramped up his following me around / saying shitty things since then. When I reported him, he actually also retaliated by writing to the moderators saying that I was personally harassing HIM (wtfing fck?). But he has no grounds / evidence for this complaint, so the mods dismissed it.

It's risky, but you could fight his passive aggressiveness with your own in an attempt to get him to crack and let enough of his malicious intent through to get the attention of mods. This does carry the risk of backfiring on you, though...so caution would be strongly advised.

I'm considering this but because of the fact we live in the same area etc, I don't think I'll risk it. I was also considering dropping hints, like expectations. Like saying in a post 'I don't believe in trashing exes', so maybe he starts looking at his behaviour in a more objective way, and set standards of his behaviour higher. But... probably won't help, he's probably too mad and would somehow continue to justify his actions.

[Inscrutable Banana]

I can see how living in the same city would make things a bit more disquieting than they would be otherwise.

Have you considered or tried taking an extended break from the site, either entirely, or by limiting your forum use to just communicating with people you know via private messages for a while?

I'm considering this but because of the fact we live in the same area etc, I don't think I'll risk it. I was also considering dropping hints, like expectations. Like saying in a post 'I don't believe in trashing exes', so maybe he starts looking at his behaviour in a more objective way, and set standards of his behaviour higher. But... probably won't help, he's probably too mad and would somehow continue to justify his actions.

Eh, based on what little I know I get the impression he doesn't have the self-awareness required to stop and think about what he's doing in a meaningful way--too blinded by his own misguided indignation.

[Antidote]

I can see how living in the same city would make things a bit more disquieting than they would be otherwise.

Have you considered or tried taking an extended break from the site, either entirely, or by limiting your forum use to just communicating with people you know via private messages for a while?

Yeah I might do this. But I want to wait for drama to die down so he doesn't associate my absence with him (i.e., rewarding his behaviour by making him think he can affect me enough to drive me off the site). I'd time it so it seems more random. Then maybe if I'm away for a while he'll break the habit of checking on me. Since this has gone on for years though, I'd probably have to be absent for at least a matter of months, but I'm fine with doing that.

Eh, based on what little I know I get the impression he doesn't have the self-awareness required to stop and think about what he's doing in a meaningful way--too blinded by his own misguided indignation.

Your description of him is spot on.

[Chantellabella]

Hi! Coming from a place where I had a couple of people obsessed with me (ex husband and stalker)..............they don't let it go because your presence reminds them of how you rejected them. You're like a trigger. I've had to literally remove myself from a situation so the people who did this finally stopped annoying me. The only real way I got rid of them was through distance. Once I was gone long enough, they finally got distracted with another target.

Yes, it doesn't seem fair. Especially if you get something out of that forum. But the longer you stay, the harassment will continue. It's a sick little power trip, but one of you has to step away from the abusive cycle. It's definitely not going to be him because he gets off on making you upset like you said.

It's the forum's mod responsibility to fight for you if you are being personally attacked. It doesn't sound like they are that effective in the safety or protection of their members.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I've known many women (and men) including myself who get sucked into these abusive relationships. They are very hard to break. I'm not saying you are asking for anything but a forum membership. But if the mods are not going to help you stay safe, you may need to do something to protect yourself. You can't work with abusive people. They don't change. I lived with one for 30 years and I've known people who lived with one even longer. They don't see where they are flawed and therefore you can't work with that.

Women (and men) have had to move to different cities to break the cycle....myself included. You may think moving means my ex won. In reality, I won because he would have to drive hours to stalk me now. He can no longer "control" where I am which renders him powerless. Even my kids said he was in total shock when I moved. He didn't think it was possible that I would disappear from his life. We had been divorced for 6 years and he was married, but he was still blaming me, hating on me, and manipulating situations. I can honestly say I am free now.

I hope you find some peace and protection.

Cindy

[Antidote]

Hi! Coming from a place where I had a couple of people obsessed with me (ex husband and stalker)..............they don't let it go because your presence reminds them of how you rejected them. You're like a trigger. I've had to literally remove myself from a situation so the people who did this finally stopped annoying me. The only real way I got rid of them was through distance. Once I was gone long enough, they finally got distracted with another target.

Yes, it doesn't seem fair. Especially if you get something out of that forum. But the longer you stay, the harassment will continue. It's a sick little power trip, but one of you has to step away from the abusive cycle. It's definitely not going to be him because he gets off on making you upset like you said.

It's the forum's mod responsibility to fight for you if you are being personally attacked. It doesn't sound like they are that effective in the safety or protection of their members.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I've known many women (and men) including myself who get sucked into these abusive relationships. They are very hard to break. I'm not saying you are asking for anything but a forum membership. But if the mods are not going to help you stay safe, you may need to do something to protect yourself. You can't work with abusive people. They don't change. I lived with one for 30 years and I've known people who lived with one even longer. They don't see where they are flawed and therefore you can't work with that.

Women (and men) have had to move to different cities to break the cycle....myself included. You may think moving means my ex won. In reality, I won because he would have to drive hours to stalk me now. He can no longer "control" where I am which renders him powerless. Even my kids said he was in total shock when I moved. He didn't think it was possible that I would disappear from his life. We had been divorced for 6 years and he was married, but he was still blaming me, hating on me, and manipulating situations. I can honestly say I am free now.

I hope you find some peace and protection.

Cindy

Okay, that makes me think I should just leave for a while (a while being a fairly long time, and do the new account thing eventually if I want to return). I guess I let it go on so long because he has extended periods where he's not really bothering me, but then he starts doing it again. Was this the same pattern with your ex and stalker? I also thought if I acted like I didn't care and ignored him, for years, he'd get bored with it. But that just doesn't seem to really work.

Thanks for your advice, what you went through sounds horrible. I'm glad I haven't experienced this irl.

[Chantellabella]

In my case and in my friend's cases, the abuser went through this cycle - abuse, apology, honeymoon period (of doing what you ask), anger, resentment, abuse, repeat. One of my friends left 8 x and every time let her abuser back into her life during the honeymoon period where he promised to never hurt her again. She ended up in the hospital with a head concussion and him in jail. Once he got out, he was court ordered to never go near her. It took me 30 years of going round and round this cycle before I got a restraining order and had my ex removed from my home.

The problem is that the abused victim is the trigger. It's not what you say or do....it's your existence. As long as you are around, you remind them of their rejection and humiliation. They feel powerless around you, and so rather than seeing themselves as the cause of their misery, they blame you for it. Some get help and improve a little, but as long as they continue to feel powerless around you, there will be anger towards you.

Abusers are also uber manipulative. Every abused person ends up blaming themselves. They feel "stupid" for staying with an abuser, they feel "mean" for not letting a crying abuser who says he or she is sorry back in, they feel "guilty" for causing the abuser's problem, and they feel "powerless" because they can't figure out why it's still happening even when they don't talk to the person anymore. Abusers can be very convincing that they are sorry and won't do it again.

My stalker wrote this 2 page apology and spread it all over cyberspace. I forgave her in my heart, but I didn't want to acknowledge my forgiveness because I didn't want to have any contact with her. I knew that any contact with her would make her think I was still interested in being her friend. I wasn't. It only took a day of not responding to her apology for her to flame up her anger and trash me again. She played the victim role................I apologized and she didn't accept my apology whine. When I was on the other forum (same one you're talking about), she followed me there just to trash me. Her butt was banned. This was when the old mods were there. But after years of ignoring her, she seems to have finally gone away. If she followed me here, that's just sad and sick. I'm sure when the moment strikes her, she'll look me up again to try and kick me around.

So maybe think of this person who is hounding you as sick, sad, and pathetic. He's caught in an abuser's cycle and if he doesn't do it to you, he'll do it to somebody else. My therapist says they get into this cycle because it helps them avoid their feelings. My dad drank and beat my mother for 40 years before he died. I'm sure he never once addressed his feelings of inadequacy, and whatever other issues he had. Your abuser has issues that he may need to address in his own therapy.

You can protect yourself, especially if the mods there won't help you.

And you know what finally made me leave my husband? My daughter got pregnant at age 19 and married the guy. I begged her not to marry him. He came with his own baggage and did not speak kind to her. They have been married for 14 years and I don't think he's ever laid a hand on her. But he is self centered, verbally abusive, and definitely does not treat her with respect. I blame myself and my ex for that. We were her role model for being in an abusive relationship. I divorced my abuser to show her that you don't need to put up with any abuse from people. I constantly pray that she will decide to take back her life and find someone who will respect her and speak kindly and lovingly to her. I shudder when I think it may be too late. I hope my independence helps her one day to see that she no longer needs to take it

[Antidote]

In my case and in my friend's cases, the abuser went through this cycle - abuse, apology, honeymoon period (of doing what you ask), anger, resentment, abuse, repeat. One of my friends left 8 x and every time let her abuser back into her life during the honeymoon period where he promised to never hurt her again. She ended up in the hospital with a head concussion and him in jail. Once he got out, he was court ordered to never go near her. It took me 30 years of going round and round this cycle before I got a restraining order and had my ex removed from my home.

The problem is that the abused victim is the trigger. It's not what you say or do....it's your existence. As long as you are around, you remind them of their rejection and humiliation. They feel powerless around you, and so rather than seeing themselves as the cause of their misery, they blame you for it. Some get help and improve a little, but as long as they continue to feel powerless around you, there will be anger towards you.

Abusers are also uber manipulative. Every abused person ends up blaming themselves. They feel "stupid" for staying with an abuser, they feel "mean" for not letting a crying abuser who says he or she is sorry back in, they feel "guilty" for causing the abuser's problem, and they feel "powerless" because they can't figure out why it's still happening even when they don't talk to the person anymore. Abusers can be very convincing that they are sorry and won't do it again.

My stalker wrote this 2 page apology and spread it all over cyberspace. I forgave her in my heart, but I didn't want to acknowledge my forgiveness because I didn't want to have any contact with her. I knew that any contact with her would make her think I was still interested in being her friend. I wasn't. It only took a day of not responding to her apology for her to flame up her anger and trash me again. She played the victim role................I apologized and she didn't accept my apology whine. When I was on the other forum (same one you're talking about), she followed me there just to trash me. Her butt was banned. This was when the old mods were there. But after years of ignoring her, she seems to have finally gone away. If she followed me here, that's just sad and sick. I'm sure when the moment strikes her, she'll look me up again to try and kick me around.

So maybe think of this person who is hounding you as sick, sad, and pathetic. He's caught in an abuser's cycle and if he doesn't do it to you, he'll do it to somebody else. My therapist says they get into this cycle because it helps them avoid their feelings. My dad drank and beat my mother for 40 years before he died. I'm sure he never once addressed his feelings of inadequacy, and whatever other issues he had. Your abuser has issues that he may need to address in his own therapy.

You can protect yourself, especially if the mods there won't help you.

And you know what finally made me leave my husband? My daughter got pregnant at age 19 and married the guy. I begged her not to marry him. He came with his own baggage and did not speak kind to her. They have been married for 14 years and I don't think he's ever laid a hand on her. But he is self centered, verbally abusive, and definitely does not treat her with respect. I blame myself and my ex for that. We were her role model for being in an abusive relationship. I divorced my abuser to show her that you don't need to put up with any abuse from people. I constantly pray that she will decide to take back her life and find someone who will respect her and speak kindly and lovingly to her. I shudder when I think it may be too late. I hope my independence helps her one day to see that she no longer needs to take it

That pattern you mentioned reminds me of my ex but on a mild scale, because we weren't together for long, and nothing particularly drastic happened, but it was there. I can't imagine him being in a healthy relationship because I honestly don't think he's capable of it. Did your ex-husband have a healthy marriage when he was remarried? Or did he abuse her too? I can't tell if these kinds of people are triggered by anyone they get into a relationship with or just triggered by some people more than others.

And yeah I also think he is triggered just by my presence. Sometimes I post something benign that has nothing to do with him but he somehow takes offense because he relates it to himself. Other times it's something that can only be circuitously related to him (like if I clash with someone he is friends with he'll have a go at me even if the topic had nothing to do with him). Other times he just posts something randomly hostile aimed at me which was triggered by idk what. I think I was far too sympathetic towards him initially, but eventually I decided based on his behaviour, that he was just not a good person and not someone I want anything to do with anymore. I think partly why he's so mad is because I, unlike his other exes, refuse to interact with him at all. He attempted to contact me a couple of times to make amends (as friends) within months after the relationship ended, but I never replied. To me, his contact seemed insincere and more about him trying to prove he had redeemed himself, rather than respecting me (he experiences a lot of shame but not guilt). He didn't even apologise to me about his ill treatment, just asked if we could be friends again. I'm not interested in pretending to be amicable with someone just to placate them.

[Chantellabella]

That pattern you mentioned reminds me of my ex but on a mild scale, because we weren't together for long, and nothing particularly drastic happened, but it was there. I can't imagine him being in a healthy relationship because I honestly don't think he's capable of it. Did your ex-husband have a healthy marriage when he was remarried? Or did he abuse her too? I can't tell if these kinds of people are triggered by anyone they get into a relationship with or just triggered by some people more than others.

And yeah I also think he is triggered just by my presence. Sometimes I post something benign that has nothing to do with him but he somehow takes offense because he relates it to himself. Other times it's something that can only be circuitously related to him (like if I clash with someone he is friends with he'll have a go at me even if the topic had nothing to do with him). Other times he just posts something randomly hostile aimed at me which was triggered by idk what. I think I was far too sympathetic towards him initially, but eventually I decided based on his behaviour, that he was just not a good person and not someone I want anything to do with anymore. I think partly why he's so mad is because I, unlike his other exes, refuse to interact with him at all. He attempted to contact me a couple of times to make amends (as friends) within months after the relationship ended, but I never replied. To me, his contact seemed insincere and more about him trying to prove he had redeemed himself, rather than respecting me (he experiences a lot of shame but not guilt). He didn't even apologise to me about his ill treatment, just asked if we could be friends again. I'm not interested in pretending to be amicable with someone just to placate them.

Yeah, he sounds like the same pattern. I don't see abusers as "bad" so much as really stubborn and clueless. They just don't get it. My ex- married an alcoholic and goes round and round the co-dependent cycle which is connected to the abuser cycle. He has to blame somebody for his misery. What's sad is that if he just was honest about his own feelings and problems, there might be help for him. But as long as he refuses to see the part he plays in relationships, he will remain miserable. I only have pity for him now. I've learned to be happy with healthy relationships, and he remains in misery wondering who he can blame for his problems. It's sad really. But I don't feel sorry enough to ever rescue him. He made his bed, now he lies in it. Oh well.

I'm glad you can see a pattern. That's healthy thinking!

[enfield]

someone on sas put me on ignore and i took it badly. i pmed them and made threads about them (sounds like a lot more overt stuff than what your stalker is doing) and then i was permanently banned from sas, and i have never been allowed to go back to sas since, even though that guy doesn't even post there anymore. have you talked to the mods about this user? if you message them and they understand the history they could probably be less lenient, and if he does a post thats about you again, give him a temp ban, and have him be warned with a perm ban the next time he does it. im not sure if this is the best way to a solution, but it worked for the guy that blocked me.

[Antidote]

someone on sas put me on ignore and i took it badly. i pmed them and made threads about them (sounds like a lot more overt stuff than what your stalker is doing) and then i was permanently banned from sas, and i have never been allowed to go back to sas since, even though that guy doesn't even post there anymore. have you talked to the mods about this user? if you message them and they understand the history they could probably be less lenient, and if he does a post thats about you again, give him a temp ban, and have him be warned with a perm ban the next time he does it. im not sure if this is the best way to a solution, but it worked for the guy that blocked me.

Yeah I have explained the history, and shown evidence for it. Their response was 'put him on your ignore list', and at most, they'll give me a new account. They won't give him warnings / ban unless he does something overt that is obviously aimed at me.

[Antidote]

I'm glad you can see a pattern. That's healthy thinking!

Sorry to quote you so randomly. But I just wanted to ask something else that has been bothering me lately.

I've noticed my ex is now sucking up to several people who he probably suspects have a low opinion of him due to knowledge of the harassment.
It unnerves me because I feel like people are being manipulated.

Did any of the individuals who have harassed you in the past suck up to others in your circle? I think my ex does this to control his image since it's extremely important to him. But the result is that it's almost as though he's trying to erode my support base and discredit me by charming people.

[Chantellabella]

Sorry to quote you so randomly. But I just wanted to ask something else that has been bothering me lately.

I've noticed my ex is now sucking up to several people who he probably suspects have a low opinion of him due to knowledge of the harassment.
It unnerves me because I feel like people are being manipulated.

Did any of the individuals who have harassed you in the past suck up to others in your circle? I think my ex does this to control his image since it's extremely important to him. But the result is that it's almost as though he's trying to erode my support base and discredit me by charming people.

I know this is going to be hard to do because it was the hardest thing I had to do when I divorced................take the high road. That means don't even think about what he's doing with his life. Don't let it concern you what he's doing at all.

The reason I tell you is because if you worry or care, that means he still has control over you. In order to be truly free from a person's manipulation, you have to convince yourself that anything they say or do doesn't matter.

My ex is still trying to manipulate my children against me. If I let it bother me, I would give in to his games. I was even able to let one of my kids hate me for 3 years due to his lies and manipulation on the hopes that my children would finally see the light of what was happening.

It paid off. My children began to see that while their dad trash talks about me, I constantly say, "Your dad is a good man. If you have a problem with him, it sounds like you guys need to talk about it." I only say good things about him, I am nice to him and his wife when we see each other, and I try to keep the family intact. He, on the other hand, is miserable because I'm happy.

If you go down the path of worrying about what your ex is doing, then you are not moving on just like my ex. Does it truly matter to you what he's doing? He has his own path and so do you. You have no control over him and unless you give him control over you, he can't manipulate you. But if you worry about what he's doing, he has total control again.

Does that make sense?

[Chantellabella]

But the result is that it's almost as though he's trying to erode my support base and discredit me by charming people.

Is he getting your support system to take sides? If so, again take the high road and be ok with him sharing friends. If they choose to take sides with him, then were they truly your friend then?

And to be honest, you can't control your friend's decisions either. If you want them to hate him, then you're just as guilty of trying to erode his support system. Do you want to come off as bitter and hateful or healthy and compromising? Your friends may want to support both of you. Taking that high road will help them be friends with both of you. Becoming bitter and getting angry about them talking to him will push them away.

I know this all sucks, but after taking the high road and seeing how it paid off in the end, I'm sticking with that path. It's very tough to hold your head up high and to keep your heart open with compassion for someone who hurt you, but it will make you a better person. Bitterness and resentment just makes you a lesser person.