What to do about this harassment on another forum?

[Antidote]

Is he getting your support system to take sides? If so, again take the high road and be ok with him sharing friends. If they choose to take sides with him, then were they truly your friend then?

And to be honest, you can't control your friend's decisions either. If you want them to hate him, then you're just as guilty of trying to erode his support system. Do you want to come off as bitter and hateful or healthy and compromising? Your friends may want to support both of you. Taking that high road will help them be friends with both of you. Becoming bitter and getting angry about them talking to him will push them away.

I know this all sucks, but after taking the high road and seeing how it paid off in the end, I'm sticking with that path. It's very tough to hold your head up high and to keep your heart open with compassion for someone who hurt you, but it will make you a better person. Bitterness and resentment just makes you a lesser person.

I wouldn't know if he's trying to manipulate anyone into taking sides. But he's specifically targeting people who have shown support towards me. They're not his friends and I think his main interest in them is just to control his public image. He often feels shame and he copes with it by trying to redeem himself.

They're not really what I'd consider friends either. Just supportive people who have come to know about what's happening. His behaviour just disturbs me because I keep trying to distance myself from him, but it just feels like he's always encroaching on my boundaries in one way or another. But I guess it doesn't matter anymore since I'm going to dissociate from everyone there anyway.

I've never trash talked him either. Actually, I almost never talk about him to anyone (unless someone asks me about it) because it doesn't even occur to me to do so. This thread is the only place I've discussed him in much depth, in years.

Thanks for your advice. It's been quite helpful. I've already changed how I approach the situation due to this thread.

[Chantellabella]

I wouldn't know if he's trying to manipulate anyone into taking sides. But he's specifically targeting people who have shown support towards me. They're not his friends and I think his main interest in them is just to control his public image. He often feels shame and he copes with it by trying to redeem himself.

They're not really what I'd consider friends either. Just supportive people who have come to know about what's happening. His behaviour just disturbs me because I keep trying to distance myself from him, but it just feels like he's always encroaching on my boundaries in one way or another. But I guess it doesn't matter anymore since I'm going to dissociate from everyone there anyway.

I've never trash talked him either. Actually, I almost never talk about him to anyone (unless someone asks me about it) because it doesn't even occur to me to do so. This thread is the only place I've discussed him in much depth, in years.

Thanks for your advice. It's been quite helpful. I've already changed how I approach the situation due to this thread.

It sounds like you've moved into healthier thinking. You may be right that he's trying to improve his image and that's why he's talking to them. Or maybe he's trying to prove that you are the blame or something. Who knows what he's doing, but it's fulfilling a need for him. But to see that it's totally separate from you is a huge step toward co-dependent recovery. It's hard to move from a stuck point. Thinking everything he does involves you is a stuck point from childhood. Children think that everything that happens is directly related to them. When we move from that and understand that we are not directly related to what happens in the planet, we can let things go like what he's doing.

But I also hear you that it still seems like an intrusion of boundaries. Feelings aren't right or wrong. They just are. I still get upset when I see my ex trying to manipulate my kids. Heck, just two weeks ago, my ex and his wife sat at a different table at my son's wedding, so that my kids had to move from table to table. That was immature and selfish and he and his wife made my son's wedding all about them. I was frustrated, but kept smiling. I even invited them to our table (which they refused) and eventually just sat at their table to talk with my ex's brothers whom I haven't seen in years. They got up from the table when I sat down. I could have seen that as hurtful, but I just chose to see that as sad because they are very immature. They are basically shooting themselves in the foot and I don't wish that on my children's father and stepmother.

So don't beat yourself up for still getting frustrated or upset when you think he is trying to get to you. You're human. You start off by faking that it doesn't bother you until you get to the point where it truly no longer bothers you. Taking the high healthy road isn't easy. In fact it's way easier to remain in co-dependent, toxic relationships. Then you spend your day going around and around, blaming, fighting, crying, and well anything to just stay together. Unfortunately that type of relationship takes time to play out which means you have less time to figure out why you chose someone like that in the first place. I chose my ex because I was taught to be co-dependent and so was he. I spent 30 years being miserable. Once I stepped out of that triangle of victim/rescuer/perpetrator, I was able to figure out that my dysfunctional parents just taught me to be miserable. I've been free from that type of misery and I feel bad for my ex who continues to wallow in the mess with an alcoholic wife.

Anyway, I'm very glad to see you separating your issues from his. You go girl!