help needed

[Chloe]

i've been able to depend on you guys before so i need you guys now. my boyfriends depression is back and this time it seems worse just this week he self harmed saturday monday and wednesday. speaking to him about it the on that happened yesterday he said there as a compulsion to go "deeper" i havent seen these ones as theyre bandaged up but according to him theyre shallow, i'll see if i can encourage him to change the bandage and let me see.
his mum is giving him a hard time at the moment but she's really really scared for him and blaming herself, she thinks hes depressed because they left south africa and is really scared he'll take his life but shes having a go at him rather than being sympathetic, just her way of handling it she had this issure with her other child (whose father committed suicide after suffering depression) so i think this is bringing up a lot of bad things for her, she really wants to be involved and help, i've worded it to her delicatly that her son gets more upset after his mum has a go at him to see if that will change her tone a bit with him. his mate rang his mum and told her people at work are noticing him on the internet or on his phone more than working, hes been late in and theyre covering and doing some of his work for him. i've noticed he's been down, he had quite a few cuts a few weeks ago but he promised me hed call me next time now he knows i wont freak out and he feels better now, but again hes not been able to call me when he feels he needs to do it, this will be because to him its a weakness to show your upset or because he doesn't want to "burden me" (dont know where he got that from). his mum thinks this is his dads and brothers fault, his brother (different mum same dad) she isn't fond of at all calling him manipulative and seedy, his dad hasn't spoken to him in three months and she blames him for the fact that my boyfriend always has a mask on to hide his emotions and save showing weakness, personally i see that his dad could be a huge help in all of this but like his mum says his love is conditional and he doesn't put 1/4 of the attention to his son(s) as he should. if things get much worse i may try getting his dads number and call if things go south with the counsellor but at the same time i need my boyfriend to still trust me since i seem to be the one with my foot in the door the most.
i spoke to him last night and he's hanging around a lot of bad places on the internet such as self harm websites and forums some good others telling people what tools are at there disposal. hes made a few friends who have depression but none he can talk to about himself really. when i spoke to him he informed me that he was driving dangerously hoping for the worst outcome yesterday morning and now almost feels a compulsion to harm which he hates because he also harms because he feels out of control, he also told me if he can't get an emotion out he'll do it. at the moment he's very numb and resistant to doing much, i've resorted to making him swear hes going to see me the next time we plan, so this morning i said i'll see you later at this time and then we'll go and do this as a sort of promise, not sure who that'll help for but least it gives him a time to aim for to be somewhere do something. me and his mum are pushing him through college work (one more night of work) so then he has one less thing to worry about. but hes also stressed about being at a shitty workplace where he doesn't like the bosses on a [BEEP] pay because hes an apprentice (but employed by them so not sure how that works out i think hes being screwed over personally but different argument). one plus is he says being
i've also convinced his mum that counselling is the best thing to try, hes said he'd considor making a deal with me of trying a few sessions whole heartedly but im not sure if these are just words and hes saying what i want him to say. his mums now backing me saying if we got him a male counsellor he might open up more. i know what he's using to harm and unfortunatly its very easy to get a hold of so keeping the tool from him isn't much of an option and now thanks to the websites hes more informed on what he can use.
i need help advice tips on how to stop it, help him, anything as his mum says hes close to loosing everything he has right now, with work, his car and im really really worried for his life

[Member11]

First of all,

As you said, he needs counseling. He also needs to look at therapy and the use of meds, that is the only way to pull him out of this. You also need to look after yourself during this. Even though I can tell you are a very strong person, you do need support and counseling too to help you get through this.

Keep us updated on how you go

[Chloe]

Im quite conserned about his mums attitude to this when we spoke last night about changing his pills because of how tired they're making him I said e needs to be careful to not get addictied to them or get ones with addictive properties but she'd rather him get addicted but better than be careful not the best attitude but I need to be careful how I phrase things because like I say she's dealt with depression before in her daughter and partner.

Is that a way of saying your crazy go get help haha I know it's quite hard to get a hold of. Last time I had it didn't really get much from it other than confirmation of what I had already deduced. But for now I'm not suicidal so I'd rather help him now

[Chantellabella]

Hey Chloe,

Is he over 18? If he is, you can tell a suicide hotline and they can even get someone to pick him up and hospitalize him. He sounds desperate and not thinking which is a bad combination. His parents don't seem helpful, so the sooner he steers clear of them the better. But he sounds like he needs some outside safety constraints such as a hospital stay. One person, especially someone young, can't make the decision for him. If you can call someone, they will pick him up and at least evaluate him. I would even call a local psych hospital and talk to them. They can let you know what to do next.

If he is younger than 18, his parents will have to call. You may be able to still call though and tell them that your friend said this and is doing that. At that point, child protection services will step in if he is not given help.

[Chloe]

He's over 18, he says he doesn't want to talk about it when he gets down and tries to push people away so I doubt he would make the decision to call someone up, I think from his actions it's just at points during the day it's never a set thought hence why he doesn't do it. I'm going to see if I can stick around and see him more often to try and keep an eye on him and keep him busy. I think with his parents it's just stigma from their age/upbringing and frustration or fear which is understandable. He doesn't have anywhere else to live, staying at mine isn't much of an option and I doubt his mum would allow him or cope if he left. Think the only option is for him to be under observation and get into counselling adapt. The issue with hospitalisation is he wouldn't agree to it or he wouldn't be allowed to drive to work and with no other transport to work it wouldn't be an option. He's so stubborn and awkward at times and I know it's going to come to a point when we've got to be cruel to be kind but I don't think there's that kind of support for him locally. All we could do is shut him in his room but he has to go to work and if he didn't or went on sick leave like his mum suggested he just wouldn't get out of bed, he'd stop eating and he'd find a way

[Otherside]

If you think he's seriously at risk of doing something again, then you need to call his mental health team, or GP service and get him assessed. Think I saw somewhere you were from the UK? Chances of him being admitted to a ward are pretty low, but if you think he will do something again, you need to call.

[Chantellabella]

He's over 18, he says he doesn't want to talk about it when he gets down and tries to push people away so I doubt he would make the decision to call someone up, I think from his actions it's just at points during the day it's never a set thought hence why he doesn't do it. I'm going to see if I can stick around and see him more often to try and keep an eye on him and keep him busy. I think with his parents it's just stigma from their age/upbringing and frustration or fear which is understandable. He doesn't have anywhere else to live, staying at mine isn't much of an option and I doubt his mum would allow him or cope if he left. Think the only option is for him to be under observation and get into counselling adapt. The issue with hospitalisation is he wouldn't agree to it or he wouldn't be allowed to drive to work and with no other transport to work it wouldn't be an option. He's so stubborn and awkward at times and I know it's going to come to a point when we've got to be cruel to be kind but I don't think there's that kind of support for him locally. All we could do is shut him in his room but he has to go to work and if he didn't or went on sick leave like his mum suggested he just wouldn't get out of bed, he'd stop eating and he'd find a way

Sorry it took so long to get back to you. I'm sorry that there doesn't seem to be much options other than just keeping an eye on him. After reading Otherside's comment, it sounds like the UK isn't as commitment happy as doctors are here. Insurance pays for most of the hospitalization here, so they'll dump you into a hospital for even thinking about suicide.

Like Jerry said...........make sure you take care of you also. He's ultimately the one making the decisions about his next move. I always worry about people who know self destructive people. It's really frustrating to see a friend or loved one go down so far, especially knowing there's not much you can do to get them out of it.

Hang in there Chloe. Let us know how he's doing and make sure you get the support you need, ok?

[Chloe]

That's what I was dreading hearing, well there's now 4 of us me his mate and his mum and her boyfriend. I've said to his mate keep an eye on him and communication is key. Unfortunately atm our free health service is failing and not in the best shape it can take up to a month to see doctors in some places. Thankfully he's on private and can get to see a counsellor as of this week, I've had him say twice now that he'll do it and give it a go he doesn't see what harm it'll do so I think I need to get him to bring it up with his mum so he can go but for him that's great for him to say.

Well the worst thing about this is he is my support and my only support family is nowhere near as understanding and friends can only nod there heads and go that must be awful they can't actually comprehend the issues or troubles I would need to talk about. I'll be fine tomorrow when I don't have anymore holidays at work and can focus on that and him and distract myself with work, not the best scenario but it's worked before and until he's better it's my only choice really other than trying to make my friends understand better

[L]

That's what I was dreading hearing, well there's now 4 of us me his mate and his mum and her boyfriend. I've said to his mate keep an eye on him and communication is key. Unfortunately atm our free health service is failing and not in the best shape it can take up to a month to see doctors in some places. Thankfully he's on private and can get to see a counsellor as of this week, I've had him say twice now that he'll do it and give it a go he doesn't see what harm it'll do so I think I need to get him to bring it up with his mum so he can go but for him that's great for him to say.

Well the worst thing about this is he is my support and my only support family is nowhere near as understanding and friends can only nod there heads and go that must be awful they can't actually comprehend the issues or troubles I would need to talk about. I'll be fine tomorrow when I don't have anymore holidays at work and can focus on that and him and distract myself with work, not the best scenario but it's worked before and until he's better it's my only choice really other than trying to make my friends understand better

Hey sweety, have you considered looking into voluntary organisations - I am not in tune with the UK ones, they can be really helpful in getting information on what to do. Your boyfriend can get in touch with one or you can!

http://www.tasc-uk.org/worried-about-someone
https://www.thecalmzone.net/about-calm/what-is-calm/ - this one is targeted at men

If he has the feeling of wanting to take his life or to self harm he can present to A&E and speak to someone there who should offer a follow up then.

I hope you are looking after yourself, you can use the services too if you need to talk to someone
Take Care
L.x