When people say they talk to you about things because they care

[toaster little]

Sometimes you have family members and friends talk to you about something serious and they say they're talking to you because they care, and that they wouldn't talk to you if they didn't care. But why does it make me feel like crap if they talk to me because they care? I feel like our relationship isn't worth it if they're just going to bring me down constantly and not be very supportive. I just feel like I should end the relationship and try to meet someone new.

Am I giving up too easily or overreacting to people being critical of me? I thought caring about someone was not making them feel like crap because of what you said.

Sometimes it even makes me feel like they want to get rid of me in some way. If people are constantly criticizing me, I'm going to take that as a sign that they don't want me around. If people are about you, why would they make you feel like they don't want you around?

[Chantellabella]

Sometimes you have family members and friends talk to you about something serious and they say they're talking to you because they care, and that they wouldn't talk to you if they didn't care. But why does it make me feel like crap if they talk to me because they care? I feel like our relationship isn't worth it if they're just going to bring me down constantly and not be very supportive. I just feel like I should end the relationship and try to meet someone new.

Am I giving up too easily or overreacting to people being critical of me? I thought caring about someone was not making them feel like crap because of what you said.

Sometimes it even makes me feel like they want to get rid of me in some way. If people are constantly criticizing me, I'm going to take that as a sign that they don't want me around. If people are about you, why would they make you feel like they don't want you around?

There's all kinds of meanings to "because I care."

1) Because I believe you're doing something harmful to yourself and I love you and don't want to lose you
2) Because what you're doing bugs the [BEEP] out of me and I want you to stop so I am no longer bugged
3) Because what you're doing affects others around me and to keep the peace you're the scapegoat that needs to put everyone back in balance
4) Because I'm your parent and what you're doing makes me look bad
5) Because I'm your parent and I want you to do better than I ever did, thus living the life I missed out on
6) Because what you're doing affects others and I don't want others to get hurt
7) Because I truly do care about your future and I see what you're doing is making you stuck or setting you back
8. Because I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but this behavior is something I'm finding hard to live with in our relationship
9) Because I see your kids getting hurt with this behavior
10) And many more sincere, or not sincere, or selfless, or selfish reasons


Not caring is ignoring, enabling, just leaving, getting angry and abusive, and equating the behavior with "who you are." ie. You're a lazy person. You're a slut. You're a (fill in the blank) rather than focusing on just the behavior you are doing.

Nobody likes to hear they are doing something that may be hurting themselves or others. It's hard to hear.

If a person communicates well, they will honestly say whatever they need to say in a loving manner, focusing only on behavior with no finger pointing or shaming - and you may still feel terrible because you've been told you're hurting yourself or others and now you may need to make changes. A loving family or friendship will help you change the behavior

If a person communicates poorly, they will blame, shame, condemn, rescue, and make you feel terrible because they've basically said, "You're flawed. Now fix it," without offering real support.

Nobody likes to hear that they are doing something harmful to themselves or others. Even not cleaning your room or taking care of your appearance is harmful to yourself and others because a poor appearance will not get you a job and a dirty room offends those who have to live in the same house with you.

It's natural to not like criticism, but if it is done right, there's a lot to be learned from it. That's why it's called constructive criticism. The other kind is merely destructive criticism.

Does that make sense?

[Antidote]

If a person communicates poorly, they will blame, shame, condemn, rescue, and make you feel terrible because they've basically said, "You're flawed. Now fix it," without offering real support.

This is pretty much my parents' tactic.