I have suffered from anxiety since my earliest memory as a child . Being born in the early 1960s not much was known of anxiety ..I just thought I was a coward to be always nervous and would never dare to tell of my feelings of fear. Instead I suffered a bad stomach or a headache to avoid the feelings of stress .I grew to hate myself for not being able to control my feelings of fear or doom .MY father was a USMC master gunnery Sargent a true man in my eyes and I was nothing but a nervous squid. My teenage years lead to alcohol and drugs that gave me fake courage only to crash hard once the effect wore off. I have made many horrible descion s in my life based on my Anxiety's .Never one to stand up for myself or wanting to rock the boat only leading to more failure more disappointment more self hate . I've done all I could to face my fears I have worked in correctional facilities for 10 years I have worked in one of the worst places in Nj (Camden) for another 10. All to somehow prove I'm not a coward. None of this has helped me I take medication now but at 53 years old I still find myself feeling like that little boy of past .Only more depressed and more backed into a corner with my career (I've been with the same company 23 years) I'm afraid and feel alone even tho I have family who cares .I've been married twice and have had 3 heart attacks before 45 years old . I'm tired of the daily fight the dread of waking up to go do what you hate . it never goes away always running in the background always there . I don't know what my point is in writing this since I never do such things.
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