I'm going out of my way to avoid talking to my parents

[ProxyFox]

Okay, so, whenever my mom tells me to do something, she gives me super in depth instructions even when it's something simple like going to bed. Usually I'm patient but now I compulsively tell her I know over and over again and now I'm just irritated around my parents. I just want to be left alone, and I feel so selfish saying that. My parents are really great and I would never replace them, and some kids don't even get to have parents. I don't feel like I honestly deserve to be loved by my family, which I've been showing by not giving them the chance. I'm not feeling too good.

[Chantellabella]

Okay, so, whenever my mom tells me to do something, she gives me super in depth instructions even when it's something simple like going to bed. Usually I'm patient but now I compulsively tell her I know over and over again and now I'm just irritated around my parents. I just want to be left alone, and I feel so selfish saying that. My parents are really great and I would never replace them, and some kids don't even get to have parents. I don't feel like I honestly deserve to be loved by my family, which I've been showing by not giving them the chance. I'm not feeling too good.

Can I give you a probable reason why your parents do that? I had three kids of my own who are grown and I've worked with teenagers since the 1980's. Yes, that long.

Parenting classes and books teach parents to speak to their teens in steps repeatedly. Why? Because when a kid hits puberty abstract thought sets in. That means that "go to bed" or "clean your room," can mean anything from have a rock concert with 40 people to shut your bottom drawer. After parents witness this phenomena of what happens when a vague instruction is given, they automatically begin to go step by step to communicate exactly what they want. "Pick up your clothes, put them in the laundry basket, take the basket to the laundry room, put the clothes in the washer, turn it on, and then when it's dry, take it out of the washer, put it in the dryer, etc, etc.

I know on your end it sounds condescending and it seems like they think you're dumber than a door knob because they talk to you that way. I promise you, they don't think that.

I don't know how old you are, but there's a chain of thought change that happens when a teen becomes an adult. As the young adult learns what their parents "mean" when they say clean your room, all they need to be asked is "Will you please clean because company is coming over." But unfortunately, parents want their kids to stay kids and have a hard time letting go of the control of being parent. So they stick to the step one, step two, way of talking. This of course is insulting to their kids.

So the problem is usually with the parents who have a hard time adjusting to the fact that you're maturing. That's why teen to young adulthood is stressful for both kids and parents. Also young adults want to separate (developmentally) from their parent while the parent is going, "No!!!! You can't leave!! You're my baby!!!" Believe me, every parent does the empty nest scream. The only time that doesn't happen is when a parents are unhappy in their marriage like I was. I wanted my kids to grow up and move out fast, so I could run screaming from my marriage. I was literally standing on the edge kicking them out of the nest while they held on for dear life.

So I understand your frustration. It's good that you recognize that you live in a loving family. A lot of people can't say that.

Can you maybe talk to your parents about the fact that you're growing up and taking on more responsibility? Show them that you know what they mean by clean your room. Demonstrate maturity and I promise they will start to trust that you know what you're doing.

I have to warn you though, that when you're in your early 20's they can't rescue you anymore. That means that if you screw something up, they get to let you fall flat on your face. That's the flip side of independence. You live under their roof, they get to make the rules, you leave and screw up, they get to act like they don't know you and don't have to legally bail you out of jail.

Young adulthood and late teen years are a bit of a struggle. But know that we've all gone through it.

I hope your days get better.

Cindy

[ProxyFox]

That was actually a really good answer. Thank you. I'm sixteen right now so I won't be in my 20's any time soon, I'm not too worried about screwing up though. I've only fucked up really bad one time in my life and that's about it, and I was like, eight.
As for showing them I'm responsible, I've been doing that for years, and they notice and praise me for it but they still feel as if they need to dumb everything down. I think it might be because my brother who is in his 20's is still irresponsible, and they subconsciously think I'll start doing that too.