By Cynthia Oser, Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC)

He said "Shoo fly!" so I thought he was bothered by a fly. Then I got bonked in the head with a flying shoe.

Miscommunication, not being honest about what we need or want, and over-thinking plays a key role in social anxiety. When someone says, "Hello," that could mean... you're in trouble... I want to date you... I'm angry with you... You're not important to me... You're beneath me... You're standing on my foot... I want to rescue you... I want to be your friend... I'm just being friendly... I want to marry you and have your babies... and so on.

Why does the word "hello" come with so many options? For the same reason why we didn't duck when we heard shoo fly. We come with a truckload of what means what and in our minds, that's the only fact we need. So no matter what the other person was thinking or saying, we knew what they were thinking and saying and we reacted to it.

But that gets us in trouble doesn't it? We over-think consequences to the point of talking ourselves out of moving. We analyze what will happen, what others are thinking, what we will do, what they will do, what we did, and how stupid it all was, looked, seemed, and sounded like. We beat ourselves to a pulp with our continuous thoughts. We set ourselves up for failure because we have not only imagined what others are thinking, but we've generally decided that they hate us.

So stand there a minute while I throw this shoe at your head. Go ahead. Don't move.

Why?

Because getting hit with a shoe is no worse than what we do to ourselves. We accept that this over-thinking stuff is ok. If we didn't think it was ok, we wouldn't do it. In other words, we're getting some reward out of it. Going out with others makes us anxious, therefore we think about all the bad things that will happen. We conclude that not only will we be run over by a Mac truck, but nobody will care enough to scrape up our pancaked body.

That sounds like an excellent reason to stay home. I mean who wants to die that way? The safer (saner) thing to do would be to stay home.

Question.

Is anybody tired of getting hit in the head with shoes? Wouldn't it be nice if we could be safe, not feel anxious, and not go through the whole over-thinking drama in our head to justify why we don't want to go out?

Repeat after me... "Going out with a lot of people makes me anxious. I prefer maybe talking one on one with someone whom I feel safe around. I'm not hiding from humanity. I'm just saying I need to acknowledge my anxiety and compromise. I want to feel safe and also belong. That's not too much to ask."

Your friend/mother/teacher/father/(insert person who makes you feel guilty here)... "But going out with friends equals happiness, success, and proof that you're ok."

Sound familiar? Rewind third paragraph. When someone says, "Hello," that could mean... you're in trouble... I want to date you... I'm angry with you... You're not important to me...

They're doing it too. They have no clue what happiness is to you and you have no clue why they said hello. Yet everyone is reacting because they know... (drum roll with echo)... REALITY.

So you say... "No, that is not happiness and success to me. Happiness and success to me is talking one on one with someone whom I feel safe around. My shoo fly is not your shoe fly."

Now that you've honestly said what you wanted, you don't have to make Armageddon of excuses happen in your head. Your honest, direct communication of what you want should be enough for the people around you to understand and honor.

Big "if"... the people around you are mature people who actually listen to you.

If those people don't listen to your honest and direct communication, then they have the problem and it's not you. You have done your part in being mature and responsible towards the conversation. Especially if you stay calm and don't get all dramatic while telling them your honest truth.

Speak clearly, directly, and let others know what you need. If you are honest, then maybe you won't have to come up with ten kinds of scenarios where you end up road kill.

And if the people around you cannot understand direct, honest communication, you can always throw a shoe at them.